Original subtitles

Keith and family are about to fly the cooperooni.

Hi, Keith Dick. New owner.

I live for fashion. I'm a clothes whore.

I am an objectophile.

You need to give up your pie in the sky dreams.

-My Dick, My Dick, My Dick! -My Dick, My Dick, My Dick!

We both decided to go to college in America.

-College! -College!

Hey, Beanstalk.

Go to hell!

I set up my own YouTube channel.

Hi, Beckinators, it's party time.

Get off of my sister, you drug addict!

You are acting like a slut.

I'm moving out.

I am, in fact, a 7'3" girl.

I'm going to England.

-Dope... -Gavin's the future.

-...as... fuck. -The next Earl of Gayhurst.

Dope as fuck.

We're trying to immerse Gavin in Gayhurst culture.

Come here, you dumb cunts.

We think it's slowly really sinking in.

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck, fuck, fuck

How silly can you be? Just get out.

My cousin Gavin does not want to be the next Earl.

I was put on this Earth to talk to the animals.

Your breath is so beautiful.

This is my personal assistant, Kylie.

Squeeze me harder.

I couldn't live without her.

Inseminating someone is not a big deal.

Natasha, my pet aardvark.

I wanted to bring her home.

Jana, I can't go to Zimbabwe with you.

I need that aardvark back in my life.

Natasha!

Say that you love me.

I'm just in love with Craig.

Do you love Jana?

That's Miele throughout.

I dabble in DJing a bit.

Me and my brothers, we've all got massive asses.

This is the development that I'm working on.

-It's not good, Quentin. -It is.

I can't build it for free.

Calm down, mate.

This is the answer to all our financial shit.

I want to be Australia's best real estate agent/DJ.

But I just wanna party

Someone please get the cockatoo

Joyce hasn't been seen in public for years.

This is all my stuff.

My boyfriend, Les, he's a truck driver.

He's threatened to call the council on me.

Rack off.

I'm getting evicted.

We're here to clear out the house.

Get out of my house, you deadshit!

It's Les!

Let's have a groupie!

I love you, guys.

Oh. Great. You're early!

I've got my bloody rollers in.

Yeah, so a lot's changed in the last few months.

Joyce has been a ray of sunshine to me.

We've moved in together,

and I've moved the collection here.

I'm a collector also.

And--

Yeah, we've combined the two respective collections together.

Right.

Just drop that there.

Alright, when I say "Action," then you start on that, then you go to me.

So, go to that and then I'll say-- All right. Action.

This is it. Welcome to the museum.

Les and Joyce's museum.

She's finally got her museum.

This is it. It's built like a brick shithouse.

It's got all my stuff in it.

Come on in. We're open for business.

Here's all my stuff. Got it all organized.

All my toys in there.

I got my fish.

I got my Tutankhamuns, my beads...

My Cabbage Patches.

My horsey, my TV Weeks.

Here's the good Rodzilla.

I've got a lot of Rodzillas, but that's the good one.

Got my corncob hulls, my toothpicks, my rubber band--

So much good stuff!

-It's all organized. -It's been a big job, as you can see,

and we're charging a small entry fee.

But, eventually we'd like to get bus tours in.

We're really going to try and make a go of this.

He's my boyfriend,

and boyfriends are good at doing all this kind of organization.

Yeah, we've got so much in common.

-Too much in common. -That's what makes it awesome.

-It's friggin' awesome. -Yeah.

Right.

I'll give you some slack.

There you go.

Thank you.

You think it's a million?

I think so, love.

There's a legend that Joyce has told me

that if we get a million of these cranes,

they'll reach up to heaven.

We're trying to make them reach up to the clouds

and I might have to get a rope or something

and throw it up on the top of the structure here.

Yeah, it looks like a million from here.

Just a quick reminder, ladies and gentlemen,

Les to the museum. Les to the museum.

Here he comes.

And we're selling items as well as buying them.

-That's another one sold. -Yeah, well--

Just think of what you can do with the money.

People are buying stuff like hotcakes. I'm over it.

But, by selling stuff, we're not in debt.

We can buy more stuff for the collection. It's just going to be better all around.

It's not fair.

Well, you're alright, love.

You're alright.

I've got lots of other friends too.

They've all loved the museum, so they've moved in.

Here's little Tony. He's in his room at the moment.

Door's locked, so I can't. Tony, are you in there?

Are you, sweetheart?

Yeah, 'cause he's actually my son.

I'll leave 20 cents out for you, mate,

so you can get some pekoe on your way home from school.

Just leave the change out for me.

I'll give Big Jessie a call too.

Just see if she's alright.

Hi, Big Jessie is that you? Yeah, it's Joyce.

This is the message. I'll leave a message for--

Sweetheart, I need you to come home and clean your room.

Yeah, cool-- It beeped.

It's cut out.

I bloody hate iPhones. I prefer an Android.

Put all my teddies here, my candles...

Yeah, and we've got Joyce's dad up here.

We found this. This is the horse that was my dad's.

-Yeah. -Yes, this is one of their precious items.

That's going to stay right here.

-That's the main precious one. -Yeah.

Les said that if we ever find the teddy that the deadshit man sold onlne,

that we might buy it back.

We'd definitely buy it back.

-Don't worry, we'll get it back. -I hope so.

-Yeah, we will. -Yeah.

It's Princess Diana Day.

Hello, how are you?

It's Shy Di here.

Where is Charles?

Charles, I can't see you.

I want to marry you today.

How are you? How are you going?

She has a lot of fun living here,

but I'm on the road a fair bit, and she's here a lot on her own.

So, Rhonda's over here quite a bit, her best friend,

and she's a really good Sheila.

Lady Di's here. Look out.

That's Princess of Wales to you, Rhonda.

It's actually me. It's Joyce.

I know it's you.

-Hi. -Hi.

I got you a scrunchie.

-A silver one. -Okay.

I haven't bloody seen you in ages.

I was here yesterday, you goose.

Come inside, you stupid lady You call me a goose

Come inside, you stupid lady

You think I'm a moose

Come inside, you stupid lady

-You call me a moose -Call me a goose

Get in the house.

I turned the main light on. Just check that out.

My bed.

Dylan, you'll be sleeping there.

Don't know where you're sleeping, you have to ask my mum.

My cousins from England...

are staying...

for the holidays in Adelaide.

Fuck off.

I organized a couple of lit-tivities for them.

Gavin, fuck off.

I want to be a good host,

make sure they have a good time.

So, if during the night,

you get a stiffy and you need to piss...

you stand up here...

Then, just make a fountain out the window, like this.

Don't worry about stepping on me,

because I sleep like a log of shit.

Dylan, my cousin...

is my actual virtual best mate, now.

Mum, come here.

Reason: he is...

a fun cunt,

he gives no fucks...

Fuck, it's a snake.

...and he's always up for fun shit.

Do you want to do drugs?

Mum, can we have the vitamin C, please?

Alright.

Check this out.

That one's for you.

You snort this.

Nek minute... you start tripping hella ASAP.

Snort it.

Has yours kicked in yet?

I think I'm hallucinating.

Oh, yeah.

I honestly fucking love you.

Wow. Yeah.

Have you tried to fuck Ingrid?

Seriously, cunt, I'm going to come back in a year's time,

and I'm going to try and slip the slug in.

So, back the fuck off.

Oh, by the way, show me the ruler.

See that? That's my dong size six months ago...

and that's my dong size now.

It's not that different,

but every millimeter counts.

Cover your eyes up. Don't look.

Don't look at anything I'm doing.

Even though it's not Easter,

I've organized an Easter egg hunt.

See these?

I got them two years ago.

and I stored them.

And I've licked every single one of them,

because I don't want my mum to nick them.

You just scrape it off.

Okay.

Go.

Hurry up. You're not going to get any.

You guys can have them. I don't need any.

I'm not actually that hungry.

So, it's just a light spray in your favorite color.

I've chosen a fire engine red.

So, while I'm working on that,

Lucy's working on the fringed edge.

She's cutting roughly one inch apart strips along the bottom.

It's going to look amazing.

But, Beckinators...

you want to see the final products don't you?

-Sisters by chance... -Sisters by chance...

-friends by choice. -friends by choice.

On today's Kraftaholik episode,

we're going to be making macramé masks,

razor mirrors and alfalfa bibles.

The last six months have been literally awesome.

Since me and Lucy made up, we've been pretty much inseparable.

Yeah, it's like we were before.

Yeah, except I'm sort of more chilled out now, don't you reckon?

Like, I'm all sort of, "Have fun,"

-and, just like... "Enjoy Uni life." -Yeah.

Definitely. It's...

It's honestly like she's a whole new person.

-Yeah. -Yeah... and braces off too.

New teeth.

Everyone's complementing me.

I'm thinking the mirror should be like to the left,

because it's kind of a confronting thing.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hi. Jane, watch.

I'm really busy, but stay there.

-Hi, Lingers. -Hey, Becky.

Congrats on all this.

Thanks.

Good to see you, Lingers.

Since I came out as a freak,

I lost a lot of my fans on YouTube.

Then, the weirdest things started to happen.

I've started to gain fans.

It was weird, people just liked me for being me.

She's so huge right now.

I just unleashed the freak and people liked it.

Verity B.

Ramon.

Albino!

Becky, the Beadster!

The Freak-Con national tour has been a real game-changer for me.

It's been so good to meet my fans face to face

and just, like, work with other vloggers

and people who are just a little bit different, like me.

Alright!

Everybody up, one by one, please.

And when you have your photo taken, please come off the stage.

The other freaks and I are just really close.

We've just bonded so much.

I feel like I've found my people. Like, they're my tribe.

Verity, Verity, come down!

Who's gonna go? You?

Aaron, my RA, is, like, my manager now.

He's, like, helping me organize everything

and he comes to all the Freak-Con events.

He's awesome.

Yeah, he is pretty awesome.

Well, we're very close now.

Tell them.

Stop!

Yeah.

Basically, me and Aaron cuddle buddies at this stage,

but we are seeing what happens, and--

I can't believe you made me tell them.

Why? Get it out in the open.

'Cause it's just, like, weird.

-No, it's not weird. -Okay.

-Lyn! -I'm coming, I'm coming.

Look, it's been a big life change, that's for sure.

We're all in with Mum at her place in Cronulla.

See you later, Grandma.

Have a good day.

We've been forced to sell our house

to pay off the debt from Quentin's development.

Oi, Quentin, we're going.

We're together.

We're family, we'll rise again.

It's just money.

Dad's back as CEO of Reg Cook Real Estate too,

which has taken the pressure off me, 'cause I wasn't cut out for it.

Yes, you were.

-You were legendary. -You were fantastic, sweetie.

-You did your best, mate. -Yeah.

-The best you could. -That's all you can do.

-You've just got to try your best, eh? -You did your best.

It might have cost the family a lot of money...

-See you, Granny. -Bye.

...but the only way is up.

Bye, Grandma.

Dad's made Harrison a full-blown real estate agent.

I'm Harrison Gunn. Nice to see you.

A bit weird, if you ask me. He's only young.

Yeah, so we're going for low ones at the moment.

It does have such a fantastic curb appeal.

I'm not sure if he can keep up with the big boys.

Okay, cool. How's my tie looking?

Really good.

The news is, I've got a new assistant, Melinda.

She's awesome.

She's got a massive ass too, like mine. So...

And she's my new missus.

Yeah, I only got the job because he had the hots for me.

Well, I'm not an idiot.

-Keep going. -We do everything together now.

We go to the gym, we work out together...

Wait, should I do, like a squint? Or...

just keep my eyes like normal?

-These are the options. Normal. -Let's try again.

No, squint.

That's hot, babe.

-You really feel that in your core. -Yeah.

Okay, one...

Two...

We're working on a few things together.

We've got a paleo-vegan restaurant bar/nightclub thing

that we got in the works and--

We've got this Augmented Reality Fitness app

which I can't say too much about.

It was her idea. We're working on that.

A lot of stuff on the horizon.

I love his looks, his body...

his butt,

his intelligence, his singing voice.

He's just full of hidden talents.

This is the sculpture garden

that me and my brothers have set up at my grandma's place.

These various art pieces that I've done.

It's all QUNT art stuff.

It just makes you question life, and like--

It's pretty confronting stuff.

I love this one, babe.

-Yeah. How good is it? -It's so good.

-You're seriously talented. -Yeah. Thanks, babe.

Yeah, this is sort of, like, domestic life, questioning that stuff.

I've done heaps in the backyard.

I'm going to hold on to it, because they're worth heaps

if you just keep your sculptures for a few years,

the value goes up.

We should put something on that sharp edge there.

We'll find you a buyer.

Big place, lot of work done into the house.

You've told us, Mr. Kwong, four kids, 30 years...

As working partners, as real estate agents.

me and Melinda are nailing it.

I don't care what you think, fatass.

I like her, not you.

And don't you sit on my toilet.

Alright. Well, that's cool.

We'll be in touch after the inspection.

-See you, Mr. Kwong. Bye, Mrs. Kwong. -Bye.

Babe, just with this...

-Can make sure that's fluffed out? -Yeah, sorry.

First impression when people walk in--

-Yeah, yeah. -I thought I told you that.

Let's get these brochures out. You got the... floor plans?

Hello, my darlings.

Wait for me at the bottom, and I'll come down.

Mercy!

Mercy, come and help me on the stairs.

You could say I'm a new woman.

Yes, there's been a lot of changes.

I'm running my entire operation out of the treehouse now.

I needed a change and I feel more at home in Zimbabwe.

More relaxed, more me.

Hello, darlings, how are you?

Hello, my puppies.

How are you, darling?

Oh, sweetheart.

Alright, let's go over and set up.

You're my 9:00, and you're my 9:30.

And guess what? I'm pregnant.

That's right.

The Dutch semen fertilized me and I'm due in March.

What better place to bring up a child than a treehouse in Zimbabwe?

Alright.

Jana can hear you.

Alright, he's telling me that he did not like the journey here.

He's telling me that he did not want to sit in the back of the car.

He would like to sit in the front.

What is that sound you're making, darling?

Okay.

Alright, I don't know how to tell you this,

but the devil is inside your dog.

My pet psychic work is thriving here.

Pets have problems no matter where they live,

so I've been very, very busy.

You really want me to tell him that? Okay.

Simba is telling me that he hates you.

Hate is a very strong word, sweetheart. Do you really hate him?

Yes, he hates you.

Since Kylie left, I've hired a new assistant, Mercy.

So far, she's been very good at her job.

Squeeze me tighter. Very tight, very tight.

I still keep up with my celebrity clients back in Cape Town.

They're my bread and butter.

Alright, Jana can hear you.

I'm getting a T word.

T-T-Tongue.

Is it "tongue", "tail"? It's "tail"? Yes, tail.

Right, he's asking me what his tail is for.

Your tail is for wagging, sweetheart.

You knew that Jana was coming, didn't you?

It goes beyond cats and dogs in this area.

I'm dealing with many exotic animals.

Okay, he's telling me that he would like Jana to sing him a song.

You're a crocky crocodile

And you snap, snap, snap

And you want to eat the wildebeest

Then nap, nap, nap

Hello, my darling. You want to do some painting for Jana?

Would you like to paint for Jana?

I have an exotic animal art exhibition

opening in Johannesburg in January.

So, I've been very, very busy putting that together.

Traumatized camel art is very valuable.

Yes, I'll be able to get about 200,000 rand for this one.

Victor, the dog.

Where do I start with Victor, the dog?

Well...

He began to question his gender identity again,

you know, he wanted to be a man.

Well, he decided that he wanted to be a woman again.

I'd already paid for the operation and he had a newly constructed penis--

We had an argument one night and I put him outside,

and normally he sleeps up in my room, and...

unfortunately, the hyenas came that night and they killed him.

So, Victor's dead, and I've been very, very, very sad.

Mercy!

Mercy, bring me Victor!

I've had Victor's pelt made into a rug, so...

Pop it up. I want to show them a bit.

So, that she'll always be near me.

There we go.

So soft.

Pop it up on my lap.

There we go, Victor.

Hello, Victor.

Oh, you're so soft.

Jump under too, Mercy. Hop under.

So very nice and warm, isn't it?

Here you go. You can use the tail to lift it up.

Hello, my darling.

Hello, sweetheart.

Oh, Victor...

It was everything they say it's gonna be, the best day of your life.

Yes, it certainly was that.

I'd like to pronounce you husband and wife.

It was a civil service because, unfortunately,

this country won't recognize human-object relationships as legal.

But Karen and I made a commitment to each other that day

to be together forever. And that's all that matters.

-To Keith and Karen. -To Keith and Karen!

We had a fantastic week in Nusa.

It was a honeymoon to remember.

It's Karen, it's Keith. How are you?

Sunday morning sleep in. Loving life.

We have our ups and downs, like any couple.

That's marriage. It's not all roses.

Karen turning to face the camera.

Don't know why I have to do everything for you?

Sorry, sweetie, I'm just..

I'm just tired.

My Dick has gone from strength to strength.

-How are we going, ladies. All good? -Good.

Yes. Put those in the change room, if you like.

Word of mouth is bringing in the yummy mummies

and the young people in droves

and everyone's lapping up my label Keith by Keith Dick.

Won't be long. Sorry. We've got a bit of a queue happening here.

Won't be too long.

We've expanded our ottomans, pouffes and Lazy Boys range

I've added coffee tables, rugs, blinds--

It's going off!

And Allan's looking after our suit hire department.

Check it out.

Well, this is in this season.

Charcoal is in this season and the pinstripe.

It's a subtle pinstripe.

Have you shown him the houndstooth?

My life has changed, yes.

It's certainly been a roller coaster.

Thank you.

But Keith is very happy.

He's finally found peace with Karen.

And, strangely, it's a relief for me.

-Going well? -Yes.

And we have saved my father's store.

I know he would be very proud of me.

This season... camo is in for girls.

-Yeah. -So, it's camo, camo, camo.

What you can do, is we're going into the cooler months.

You really want to cover that chin zone.

I think with you, it's gonna be your favorite color.

-Because you are-- -Yeah.

You are-- You do tend to...

sway towards the neutrals, I've noticed.

It's a sort of piratey look,

but it does work quite well.

That's actually quite good with your skin tone, too.

With a hoop earring, perhaps?

I think in order to succeed in retail,

you need to A: trust your vision,

and B: you've got to think big.

Try and land it.

He landed it.

I've had this rail installed

to give the store a cool, youthy image.

Grind it, fellas.

Bella, walking towards me, please.

The Keith by Keith Dick new season collection

is in the design phase.

We'll be putting together a lookbook.

This is not going to work, we need to--

That fabric's too busy.

I'll get you to plop that off. Thanks.

I do like the sheer--

I think we could go for more of a shower curtain style.

These are quite good.

With a green sock.

And if you could just reveal the face at the front there.

These are the garments for the young person of today,

who says, "I am me,

I am who I want to be.

Fuck the world!"

Excuse my French.

-Ma'am, how are you? Great. -Good, thank you.

And we've installed a new service counter to cope with the extra customers.

And Karen's back on the floor.

Here you go.

Isn't it lovely to work with your wife all day

and then go home with her?

Get a load of new Snoopy,

just right next to the orange My Little Pony there.

-It's new. -Yeah, he's cute.

-Where did you get him? -Just off eBay.

eBay? Oh, la, la.

Yeah, me and Les are predominantly digital these days.

You have changed, Joyce.

Get lost, Rhonda.

Oh, my God.

Did that monkey's tail just move?

-Did you see it move? -Did you see it?

I would believe that,

because every time I go looking for the monkey,

I can't find it.

-Did you definitely see it move? -Yeah.

Oh, my God!

I've always said to Joyce, "Everything works out."

And her life now with Les--

You're a dream partnership.

The birds have stopped listening to me as well.

They're not interested in me anymore.

Yeah, well. That's a good thing.

-Get in position. -Alright.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you...

the magnificent, the stunning...

the fabulous Joyce Jeffries!

Welcome to the Joyce and Les Museum.

Roll up, roll up,

come on in and see my stuff.

Come on in.

Come on, follow Joyce in.

Give me a beat please, Rhonda.

This is my Kate Bush collection

Look at all of the things

Here's my fan The China man fan

I love my fan

My life is very fun now.

I get to show people all my stuff.

It's taken me a long time to collect it, so...

good.

Here are my video tapes

And there are my remote controls

Here are my Snoopys And here are my corncobs

Smurfs, smurfs Look at my Smurfs

I started off in show business

and I've ended up in the business of showing people my things

and making people happy

and that's all you need to do.

So, shut up about that and stop filming me.

Ta-da!

You're a dumb cunt, aren't you?

Don't move if you're a dumb cunt.

He is one.

My auntie...

she thinks that I need...

more responsibility in my life.

So, she told my Mum to buy me a guinea pig.

So, I've got a guinea pig now. It's called Gayhurst.

He gets so horny because he lives on his own.

You want to fuck a chick guinea pig, don't you?

Gayhurst, how would you feel if my dog ate you?

You'd be pissed off.

I'm glad I'm not the Earl of Gayhurst

because I'm just the dumb cunt nephew.

I didn't want to do it anyway.

Alright, Clementine.

Stand back there.

Basically, I just want to do low-key fun shit

for the rest of my life.

Are you recording?

Are you ready, Dylan?

Yep.

Dope as fuck.

Dope as fuck.

Dope as fuck.

-Hey, guys. -Hi.

You want some tea, or--

-No, thanks. -Are you sure?

-Actually, yeah. With the sugar. -Okay.

With sugar? I know.

-Me too. -You too? Alright.

Oh, get the mugs.

Oh, yeah.

So, a lot of stuff has happened with Jack.

I was dating him for about three weeks.

She was really into him.

I was, until I found out that he had hooked up with my friend Taylor.

But it was totally his fault.

He got her drunk.

Yeah. And then he told her that all Australians smell

and that he was off me.

But we got revenge on him.

So, before Jack was at this college

he went to a different one, and he lived in a frat house

and had to do a hazing ceremony to be accepted.

So, have you guys heard of "the elephant walk"?

-It's so disgusting. -It's so gross.

The guys stand in a line holding each other's dicks

and walk around in a circle.

Yeah, it's like the elephant's trunks,

so the guys in the circle are holding the "trunks".

-Yeah. -It's so gross.

So, my friend Ellie, her brother was there,

and he got a photo of Jack doing it and he sent it to me.

And Lucy has threatened to post it online.

Show them the photo.

It's so gross.

It's so gross.

But, with just one click,

I can anonymously post it onto our dorm's Facebook page,

and ruin his time at college.

Yeah, we wouldn't do it, but he thinks that we might,

so he's being really nice to us.

It's been so good.

Alright, this one's with sugar.

-This is the regular one. -Cool.

You guys want some Oreos too?

I'll have two.

-Right on. -I'll have three, please.

Three?

-For you. -No. Get it on the unicorn dish.

-Thanks, Jackie. -Yeah, no worries.

Thanks, Jack.

Cheers!

Cheers for the family!

The boys, the boys

The boys, the boys, the boys

The boys, the boys The boys, the boys, the boys

Quentin, shut up. It's your Mum's birthday.

Captain Quntboss is here.

I can't fucking help it when the Captain comes out.

It's out of my control, babe.

-Happy Birthday, Mum. We love you. -Thank you, darling. Thank you so much.

Go easy, Mum.

You know what I'd really like for my birthday?

-What? -My favorite song...

sung by my favorite man.

-I'm not singing-- -Come on, Captain!

Am I not pretty enough

I think, pretty much, if you've got family around you,

you can like get through anything.

That's what I've learned.

Don't I make you laugh

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful...

Mum.

Thank you!

-Thank you! You were so good. -I love you, Mum.

You want another song, or--

I'll leave you to have a little look around.

I've also learned, like, it's good

to just accept your physical and mental flaws.

Is it ticking a lot of boxes for you?

-Yes, it is. -Yeah, cool, man.

Have you seen the space upstairs?

It's a fantastic--

Mr. Colton is ready to see a contract.

Fantastic. Excuse me.

I'll leave them.

How are you going, Mr. Colton?

Oh, sorry about that.

Yeah, I was telling babe...

in life, I reckon, you gotta pursue your creative dreams.

And, whatever you imagine, it might not come true,

but it's just like shit just kind of works out.

-Don't you reckon, babe? -Yeah, babe.

I'll take my bird.

Hi, how are you going? Welcome to 25.

Have a look around.

Great to meet you.

Natasha!

Natasha!

Join in, please, Mercy.

-Natasha! -Natasha!

-Natasha! -Natasha!

-Natasha! -Natasha!

I'm still searching for my aardvark.

I call out for her every single night

I've been communicating with her telepathically.

I know she's out there, but...

she just won't reveal herself.

Natasha!

It's Jana.

Where are you?

I leave an offering for her every night of bread crumbs,

hoping that one day she'll come home.

I'm still holding out hope.

This is the first print run of my new book, Where is My Aardvark?

It's coming out for Mother's Day.

Three times and then I'll be okay.

My OCD comes back from time to time.

I don't know why. It's just who I am.

I received this as well.

Kylie and Craig's wedding.

I didn't go, obviously.

I don't know why. I always fall for the straight ones.

But, I've very much moved on.

Moved on and forgotten all about her.

Okay. Let's put it on.

Thank you, Mercy.

Okay.

Tighten me up there please, Mercy.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Alright, where's my chair?

And my rug, please, on my lap.

Hello, my darling.

Hello, Victor, my man-dog.

How's my man-dog?

Your fur is so soft.

Yes, Mummy loves you.

My man-dog.

My beautiful man-dog.

Today is an extremely exciting day for me.

Ellie. How are you, love?

I'm going back to visit my old department store

and I haven't seen everyone in yonks.

At first, my stress levels were through the roof,

but I've got to say, nothing beats running your own business.

This is my new my wife, Karen.

-We got married on the beach and... -Wow.

...had the honeymoon out in Nusa, which was an absolute dream.

I've struck a deal with the department store

to stock a small range of the Keith by Keith Dick collection.

How good does it look?

It's an incredible honor.

I feel like I've come full-circle in a way.

Daddy!

Oh, my God!

Yeah, I would say I've grown a lot

over the last two semesters of college.

I'm so different now to when I started.

-This is Aaron, the RA I told you about! -Hello. How are you?

That's my boy!

You're going to love what you see.

This is incredible.

I know.

-Watch your head. -That's fine!

Yeah, and on the ceiling, Dad. Did you see the ceiling?

I guess I've learned not to sweat the small stuff.

And it's okay to be different.

You just gotta be you, no matter how freak you are.

So, I've done a few songs.

This is my latest one, so I'll show you guys.

I think all day

But in my way I don't know what

Know what's beautiful

I stand so tall

But if I fall Who will catch me

Am I beautiful?

"You're pretty," they say

You'll go all the way

Here's what I have to say

Be your own kind of beautiful

My recent journey has taught me a lot.

Yes, you've got to work hard,

but make sure you had fun along the way.

And it doesn't matter what people think of you.

Who gives a rat's?

Just be yourself.

Here we go!

Yeah. You're going to get married.

You're getting married!

Follow your dreams.

I don't know what I'm doing

Be your own kind of beautiful

Party, party, party

His teeth and face

His mirror tells him

Follow your heart.

That he's not He's not beautiful

Where are you?

She broke her heart

That's when she started to think that

She's not beautiful

Alright. Mush, you damn dogs.

Come on. Mush.

"You're handsome," they say

If you wanna be weird, be weird

So much fun.

Doesn't matter how you're born or who they think you're supposed to be.

Thank you very much.

Be your own kind of beautiful

You do you.

You do you.

Beautiful

That was great.

-Thank you. -Beautiful.