Original subtitles

Sick.

This is fucking sick.

-It looks so much bigger during the day. -Right, it does.

Oh, so, that's where I'll be, boys.

-I'll be there. -Fuck!

Dude, get a boomerang, and let's do some shit.

Okay, go again.

-Is that working? -Yeah, that's good, that's good.

Sick. We'll post it.

It's beautiful. It's actually a beautiful venue.

-It's just a regular nightclub. -What's your name, again?

-Imogen. -Imogen, yeah.

I reckon little ones just cascading down the stairs...

What time do you reckon it'll be ready?

Just do it quickly and make it safe.

-Oh, okay. -It'll be safe. Don't worry.

I'll be back, boys. I'm just gonna get another load.

Hey, Dustin, get the big ones up on this speaker, here, so it balances it out.

Oh, yeah.

I think we're all right for posters.

-There's plenty. -No, you never have enough posters.

Is that actually a speaker?

Imogen, are we over a speaker there?

-Uh, yeah. -Well, that could actually be sick.

'Cause when the beat's going, it'll sort of pump out.

Such a good venue. It must be such a good job, managing it.

Like, do you love it, or...?

-Yeah, it's okay. It's good. -Yeah, love it.

Is there a tap in the green room?

I've got to get this bird's water sorted out.

So, I go on at 9 p.m.

I've got a one-hour set.

And I've done a big reach-out to all my real-estate database clients

to make sure we get a good crowd, though that shouldn't be an issue.

'Cause you get a cut of the door, I think...

Imogen, do I get a door cover-charge cut as well, or...?

No.

Just the fee.

Yes, we're just getting a fee for that.

Oh, Quentin, look, bro.

Oh, dude, that's fucking dope!

-How sick is that? -How good does that look?

Dude, I'm gonna...

Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm gonna be fucking up here tonight,

doing my fucking...

-That fucking... Yes. -Yeah, that's it.

Yeah! Fucking fuck, yeah!

These are the DJ Qunt food throw-outs I'm gonna be chucking out during the set.

We've got the pavlova, meat pies.

I'm gonna peg those out. We're gonna heat those up before.

Tim Tams.

The smaller food, just peg that out, like, down to the people at the bottom.

We got the boat, too.

That's just to do some crowd-boat shit.

Like, at that point when the crowd's, like, full-pumping,

I'll just leap out in the boat.

We gotta practice that, actually, boys.

Oh, pyros. We got pyros going in.

There's gonna be, like, a glitter cannon and confetti.

Flames. These flames...

So, this is like the big finale at the end, right?

So, I'm gonna build the crowd up, drop the bass.

I'm gonna fucking do that, so... boom.

I'm gonna have the fucking crowd, like, putty in my hands at that point.

So, I'll just get a feel during the show when to pull this out,

and just give it a, like...

-Whoa. -It'll go straight into the audience...

Actually, I was gonna say, do you have a VIP section?

-Like an area... -No VIP, no.

Like a booth or something?

'Cause when I come out afterwards, and I don't want to get hassled by fans.

So, could I get you to maybe rope off a bit here?

Just whack up a sign, "VIP."

We can rope up a little section. We'll organize something for you, yeah.

Thanks.

You gonna hang out after, or...

Dude, get the mic, get the mic going!

Like, put it in front of my mouth.

Yeah.

Dude, this is fucking sick.

Yeah, DJ Qunt!

DJ Qunt!

DJ Qunt!

How does it sound, Imogen?

How good do I sound?

How good does it sound like this?

Is that bird gonna fly anywhere? Because I can't allow that.

No, no, he never leaves my shoulder.

He's fully trained.

Is there a green room for us to chill before the show?

'Cause I don't want anyone seeing me when I come out.

Okay, yeah, right. I'll show you.

Are you gonna chill at all with us before the show?

Uh, no. No.

You can if you want, like...

I can't get used to not seeing Lucy.

It's been a week, and it's the longest we've been apart

in our whole lives.

She's moved into another residence hall with her friends.

And she took all her things.

She won't even reply to my texts.

She must be really, really mad at me.

This is Lucy's pillow.

If you sniff really hard, you can smell her.

So, when I miss her, I sniff it heaps.

Everything just seems really bad without my sister.

Like, I just can't even be bothered vlogging.

Like, my subby numbers are really high, and everyone's still loving me.

And I've just got asked to do this craft convention thing this morning, but...

I'm just... I can't be bothered with anything these days.

All right, we'll set you up there.

So, I was thinking that I really need to set the record straight

with my fans.

Lucy was right when she said that everything about me is fake.

And then you know how to zoom in, obviously.

Nancy's gonna help me.

Nothing happened with her and Lingers, by the way, so I've forgiven her.

I've decided that I'm going to be honest with my fans,

and tell them who I really am.

Hey, Beckinators.

Today's video is going to come as a major shock to a lot of you.

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you

that I have not been 100% honest with you guys.

Through careful camera angles,

I've been able to conceal the truth about who I really am.

I am, in fact,

a seven-foot-three girl with really wide legs.

Nancy, if I could get you to join me, please?

This is a normal-sized girl.

God decided to make me tall.

And it's been really hard.

I'm not making excuses, I'm just...

I'm a freak of nature.

And I wish I could change it, but I can't.

This is who I am.

This is me.

Cut.

Okay, so we need more at the back.

Well, today's the big day. It's the debut of my fashion line.

The "Keith by Keith Dick" collection

will be onstage in a fashion parade tonight.

We have 11 across the back, and 10 across the front.

We're expecting a big turnout.

We've got some locals coming.

Some young people. A lot of young people coming.

Some fashion-industry rep friends of mine coming, too, hopefully.

-Free fashion parade. -No, thank you.

'Cause it's a jacket.

The new cash register system has arrived.

It's a very sleek, modern machine.

Everyone's getting really excited, getting to know it.

It's been a big investment for us, money-wise.

And now print the receipt.

There we are. Okay.

We'll get the autumnals up, right next to the whites.

Maybe shift those pencil skirts out of the way.

It's looking good, isn't it, sweetie?

Right, give me one of these, mate.

There we go. All right.

We are well behind schedule.

So, we're working like crazy back here

to get everything ready for the show tonight.

-How you going, Alan? Just got the... -All under control.

Get that straight on the seam, there, mate.

And I'll get you to run that through on the overlooker, after.

Who's doing the Swarovski crystals around the neckline of those singlets?

I need the hot-glue gun for that. I don't know where it is.

One of youse got it.

Yeah, that looks good.

Oh, great!

I've recruited these ladies, here, from the cake shop up the road.

They're helping out with the sewing. They're very fast.

It really speeds up the process.

Check it out.

We've got to get a lot of stock on the shelves for tonight,

so we're working like crazy.

It's go, go, go.

This whole thing's been a dream come true. A boyhood dream.

The Dick name is on the door, and now the Dick name is on the label.

Does it get any better?

Jed, please, walk it down, as if you're on the catwalk.

Make it good.

Okay, stop and spin.

This is not working for me.

What I want is more of a Grecian collar.

I want a lot more play.

A baggier feel in the pant, here.

This... I would like that, when that unzips,

I would like that to reveal a fluorescent orange.

I want a flouncier, sort of, peplum kind of thing happening here.

I do like the fairy boot. That's quite good.

All right. And walking back, please.

Great. So, you got all that down?

Okay.

June!

June!

Come here!

Get this stock price-labeled and wrapped, ASAP!

We need to shift the units big-time tonight.

I'm expecting a lot of stock to fly off the shelves.

This is really our last chance to save the store.

Am I confident?

Yes.

Am I nervous?

Shitting my dacks.

-Free fashion parade tonight. -No, thanks.

We have made our way to Zimbabwe

for me to make contact with Natasha, my aardvark.

Look at those birds over there.

Kylie's cancelled her wedding to be here, too,

which is very nice of her.

We're both very excited and I think Kylie's glad that she came.

Yes?

Isn't it wonderful?

This land is where I feel most at home.

It's my childhood, it's my homeland.

It's very nice for Kylie to see it up close.

Because it's your first time here, isn't it, darling?

-Mm-hmm. -First time you've been to Zimbabwe.

Darling, come here. Come here.

Come and sit next to Mommy.

Okay, further into the scrub, boys.

This is the feeding area for the aardvarks.

Look, Kylie, aardvark droppings, right there.

That's an aardvark dropping.

So, we know we're in the right spot.

Further in, boys.

And place it there. Place it there.

Kylie and I will spend most of today in the box,

waiting for Natasha, trying to call out to her.

I think that, once she hears my voice, that she'll come.

And then it's just a matter of trapping her.

Inside the box, we're safe from rhino attacks,

tigers, vultures, you name it.

It's very safe inside the box, Kylie.

Yes, I see.

Okay.

Right, he's telling me that he's scared of hyenas.

He thinks a hyena is going to eat him.

So, I'll get you to take him back to base camp for me.

I'll text you when we see the aardvark, and you can come down with the nets.

Okay, thank you, boys.

Kylie, let's go in before the rhinos come.

Shut that door fast.

Natasha!

Natasha!

Natasha!

Natasha!

Natasha, I'm here!

Mommy's come for you.

Natasha!

-Call with me, Kylie. -You're calling her.

Why are you in such a bad mood today?

It's my wedding day, Jana.

And my future husband is by himself, at home.

And I'm sitting in a plastic box in Zimbabwe.

Come on, Kylie. You're repeating yourself now.

Help me. Natasha!

Natasha! Natasha!

Mommy's here. Where are you?

Stick around for DJ Qwunt.

Fuck yes! Fuck!

It's "DJ Qunt." It's "Qunt," dude.

It's not "Qwunt," for fuck sake.

Fuck! DJ Qunt!

I'm lit as fuck

Through the working week they say

But you should see me

On Saturday

Fuck, here he comes, cunt.

Saturday

Fuck, boy! That was the fucking finale!

This guy is fucking too early.

-It's too early! -Go, go, go!

Fuck this!

Get your fucking shit together, cunt. It's your fucking job.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck. Fuck!

Someone please get the cockatoo.

Get the bird! Get the bird!

Get the fucking cockatoo, cunt!

Come down here!

But I just wanna party

Fuck! It's right there, bro.

I don't know what I'm doing

Today, I've hit an all-time low.

Since my confession video,

my subscriber numbers have dropped like crazy.

Everyone's done following me on my socials.

I think people don't like me anymore because I lied to them.

Or maybe they don't like me because I'm a tall freak.

Which would be worse.

My college work has been suffering, too.

I'm sorry, I'm just...

Lingers! Hi!

I saw Lingers today, and he really didn't want to talk to me.

There's like a breed of cat that doesn't have a tail.

Do you guys feel like doing a silent disco in my room again tonight or...?

No.

Even my actual friends are being weird around me.

See you, guys.

I decided to try out for the women's basketball team

to try and make more friends my size.

But, I didn't get in.

I wouldn't say I'm lonely.

But I could definitely do with some more social interaction lately.

I've even started hanging out in the shower stalls

without the water on.

Just to kill time.

So, I spoke to Student Services.

They said it won't be until third semester before we can find you a new roommate.

I would enjoy the peace and quiet.

I've been thinking about transferring colleges.

Is that weird?

Listen, a lot of kids go through ups and downs.

It's just a part of college life.

You're not the first freshman to want to transfer.

Thanks.

No problem.

It's like I can't even be bothered with anything anymore.

Like, I know this is weird,

but I feel like I don't even deserve food.

Freshman life is not what I thought it was going to be.

Elegant.

Whimsical.

Lit as fuck.

Copy. Orange.

You are who you want to be.

Keith Dick. Outrageous.

Keith Dick, on fleek.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Bloody hell. Oh, shit.

How you going, Alan. Hurry up. Hurry up, please.

Quickly. Have you done it?

Go.

Hurry up, mate. Hurry up.

Get your hat off. Take your hat off.

Luke, go, go, go!

Wait, wait, wait. Don't fucking go.

And go!

I love you.

Natasha!

Natasha!

Natasha! Can you hear me?

Darling, it's Jana. I'm back.

Natasha!

Jana, maybe try not to yell.

Maybe you're scaring her off.

Mm, yes.

I just can't wait to see her.

This is the feeding ground, here, so I guess it's only a matter of time.

I'm so warm, and my legs are killing me.

Can I please get out and stretch?

-Yes. -Can we stop?

Yes, I suppose. We've been in here for three hours.

-Oh, thank God. -So, let's have a break.

Let's stretch the legs.

We should be safe to go back to base camp at this time of day.

Is that where everybody else is?

Yes, everyone's back at base camp.

-Oh, my God. -Yes.

There's something at base camp I'd like to show you, actually.

What is it?

-Well, you'll see when you get there. -What is it though?

Well...

I think you're going to like it.

Lions don't feed at this time of day, so we should be all right.

Hello.

Hello, my sweethearts. How are you?

What's going on here, Jana?

It's for us.

I built you a treehouse.

It's the one that you always wanted.

I've been planning this for a long time and these people built it for us...

to start our new chapter together.

It's for you and I to live in, because...

it might be obvious, but...

I love you.

And I can't live without you.

Living in this treehouse,

we don't have to deal with the rest of the world.

We can leave all that behind.

It'll just be you and me.

And Victor, and Natasha the aardvark.

And we could have a family together.

I can have my baby. You can have a baby, too, if you like.

Jana...

Just the two of us.

I don't know what you want me to say.

Just...

say that you'll live here with me.

Say that you love me.

Yes?

Oi Oi Oi

Crikey

Oi Oi Oi

Aussie Aussie Aussie

Oi Oi Oi

-That dude just told me I have a fat ass. -What?

This dude, here, just wrote on his phone, "You have a fat ass"!

-Who fucking cares? -Well, I fucking care!

Now I can't fucking focus on anything.

Forget that! You're not even fucking DJ-ing!

I'm fucking DJ-ing! Fucking shut up!

-Do you think I've got a fat ass? -No, I'm just fucking DJ-ing!

When you met me, did you think I was a dude with a fat ass?

-You're losing this crowd. -Well, it's fucked me up, dude.

You're losing them!

-Pay attention! -All right!

Who's ready to party?

Crikey, who wants to get fed?

Crikey, who wants a lamington?

Who wants a pavlova?

All right, who's gonna get me in the boat? I'm coming out in the boat, everyone!

The fucking smoke gun. Dude, I need the smoke gun.

Give me the smoke gun. Where is it?

Dude! Dude! Dude!

Sorry! Sorry!

-Dude, sorry. -Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Is it working?

No, fucking look at it!

-Get the fucking thing working. -Look at the fucking screen!

For fuck's sake. Fuck.

Just go. Come on, guys. Just go, please.

It's done. It's finished.

Go!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

My confession video is getting all these really mean comments from haters.

It's really bad.

"You're a fraud."

"Bye, bitch."

"Hey, freaky-legs. Your crafts sucked."

I'm trying to delete them, but they just keep popping up.

"Liar. Unfollow."

"Are you disabled?"

It's really bad.

And these memes, too.

They're going viral, all over the internet.

People are screenshotting them and sending them to me.

My mom sent me that one.

Basically, my only friend now is our RA, Aaron.

Hey, Becky.

He's really nice, but it's kind of lame to be friends with your RA.

If your friends can't accept you for who you are,

then they're not worth having.

But my subscriber numbers were getting really high.

And now they're terrible.

They're below 100,000, which is pathetic.

That's not important.

It is to me.

I'm trying to cheer up, but it's hard to know how to.

I've pretty much tried every cheer-up method I know.

In every way

And all through the day

And in my dreams

And in my silly old ways

I'm thinking 'bout you

Do you think 'bout me too?

I came to say

Becky!

Lucy! Hi!

Oh, my God.

It's so good to see you!

I've got something for you.

Oh, I'll just stop the music.

-Here. -Merma!

What? I threw her out the window.

I know. I found her in the garden.

I knew you'd regret it.

And I fixed her, as well.

-Oh! Let's sit down and talk. -Yes, okay.

-It's really good to see you. -It's good to see you!

I'm so sorry for the mean things that I said.

I'm sorry for calling you a drug addict.

And a slut.

And you're not fake. Or a freak.

-I sort of am. -Well, you're a freak that I love.

I love you, too.

So, what's happening with you and Jack?

I don't know. He's weird.

We might be together, but we haven't had sex.

I decided to wait until we've graduated college.

-Just like you and I always planned. -Yes!

Good, I'm glad.

And...

I don't know why I did drugs.

I'm such an idiot, and I'm never gonna do them again.

-Like, ever. -Good!

Don't ever do them.

Oh, I made something for you.

What?

DIY.

-You actually made that? -Yeah, it's you and I.

Oh, my God!

Duh, it's obviously you and I. That is so cool!

You're usually really bad at crafts. This is good!

It's not that good, Becky, but...

-I love them, thank you. -Thank you.

Also, I really want to move back in with you.

-Yes! -If that's okay.

Oh, my God, that is so good. I was hoping you'd say that.

I've missed you so much.

Same. Sisters for life.

Becky, it's okay.

Oh, my God. It's happy tears.

-I'm fine. -Give me a hug.

-Are you sniffing me? -Yeah.

I've just been really missing you, so I've been sniffing your pillow.

I like the smell of you.

You are such a freak, but I love you.

I know I am one.

The reaction has exceeded my expectations ten-fold.

Stock is flying off the shelves.

So, so far, so good.

They are unisex.

They will be very good for your grandson, your granddaughter.

-You know, I have a pair at home myself. -Really?

This one's a lovely one, there.

-The peach, it goes well with the eyes. -Thank you.

This is our new homeware section, here, if you can have a look.

We've got the poufs, the ottomans.

It's been an incredible night for the profile of the store as a whole.

-Have you thought about stocking rugs? -Rugs?

Yes, we're doing rugs, carpets, blinds. Full home-install service.

Customers are becoming aware

that we're a multifaceted department store and we're moving with the times.

Excuse me, loves. Sorry, sweetie.

Oh, Keithy like the sound of this till a-ring-a-ding dinging.

Tonight has put My Dick on the map. We are well and truly on people's radar.

The name "My Dick" now really means something to people.

Could I get everyone in here, please?

Just gather around for a few impromptu words, please.

Find a spot.

I'd like to thank you all for coming along tonight.

I want to thank all of those here who helped me achieve my dream.

You know who you are. I can see a lot of faces out there.

I especially would like to thank this beautiful cash register Karen.

The love of my life.

There's something I'd like to share with all of you here tonight.

And that is, I am an objectophile.

I feel a love and attraction towards inanimate objects.

In my case, usually retail or household electrical or mechanical appliances.

I have been in a loving relationship with this cash register

for the last fifteen years.

I've tried to deny it. I've tried to brush it under the carpet.

But...

I can't deny how I truly feel.

My wife and I have agreed to get a divorce,

and to remain friends.

And I do intend to marry Karen.

At this stage, that is not legal.

Our government has not recognized object-human relationships at this stage,

but, hopefully, one day they will, and the stigma will disappear.

So, if I could get you, June, to plug Karen in for me, please.

Karen...

I know I'm no oil painting...

and my head's in the clouds half the time.

But I can promise you a life of laughs and genuine love.

Karen...

will you marry me?

Oh, God, I love you.

Yes! Oh, God!

Thanks, guys. Thanks.

Oh, I'm proud of you.

I'm a woman that feels things deeply.

I can't help it.

And I have to trust my instincts and my feelings.

But sometimes I'll admit I can get carried away.

I'll message you when I get to the airport, okay?

Okay.

Don't forget to charge your phone.

Oh, I would have forgotten.

I can't remember anything without you.

You're very good at your job.

Thank you, Jana.

So, I've been thinking.

I'm going to go on my honeymoon with Craig.

-Yep. -And then, when I get back,

I think it's best if we find someone else for my position.

Okay.

But I'll help you with your transition, okay?

Yes.

I understand. I just...

How will I be able to replace you?

I love you, Jana.

I'm just in love with Craig.

I can't understand why.

Well, I've got to go.

Okay.

Bye, darling.

I love to love.

But I don't understand love.

Bye, darling.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, darling.

Bye-bye.

Hello, darling.

Yes, my beautiful boy.

Do you love Jana?

Do you love Jana?

Do you love Jana?

But even though it makes me sad sometimes,

I'm always grateful that I chose to love.

No, darling, the hyenas won't get you.

I know you think they will, but they won't.

Natasha!

I'm here, Natasha! I'm here!

Natasha!

Natasha!

Natasha!

Natasha!

Natasha!

Natasha!

After the gig, I had a long, hard think,

and thought about some ways I could improve myself.

I've been thinking about this for a while

and I finally decided to go ahead with the ass-reduction surgery.

So, I've checked myself into the hospital today.

The family doesn't know. No one knows I'm here.

But I feel like my giant ass

is holding me back in a lot of ways.

And I think I'll be a better man without it.

So, the procedure itself is pretty simple.

They suck the fat out and trim the excess skin.

It's a small scar.

So, am I next to go in, or...

Yeah, I think after the surgery, I'll feel like less of a failure,

if I'm honest.

I think, uh...

the family will...

It's not that they find me an embarrassment,

but I think they'll be more proud of me without it.

And I think I'll be a better man.

It's Quentin. He's here!

-Oh, sweetheart! -How'd you find me?

Dad found your ass MRI in your room.

And he called the doctor.

What the fuck are you doing, you dumb cunt?

I don't know. I'm just sick of having a fat ass.

I'm sick of being a joke and letting youse all down.

Quentin, you've never, ever, ever let me down a day of your life, son.

We're very, very proud of you.

Me, too, darling. You're my favorite kid.

Look...

if it's a money thing, mate, it's no big deal.

We can go back to Grandma's place.

My father started this business up with nothing.

As long as we're a family and we'll stick together,

we'll do it all again.

And you're an idiot if you get your ass cut off.

-Just don't do it. -Listen to your brother.

He's already had a pre-op sedative,

so he might be getting a little bit drowsy.

-Oh, okay. -Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm just...

Quentin, you should be proud of the Cook ass.

It's something that we've been blessed with.

My father, you...

Ethan and Dustin...

we've all got it.

We're not gonna let you do it, anyway, Quentin.

I'm putting my foot down.

And you know, Quentin, you can still go and do your records.

-You can still go and do your paintings. -That's true.

But, mate, you're a real estate agent.

It's who you are.

But we're here to support you.

-It's because we love you. -That's it.

Quentin.

Wait. Quentin?

Are you listening, dude?

-Quentin. -Is he dead?

No, Mom. He's just had a sedative.

He's just asleep. He's fine.

Quentin, we don't want you to do this, mate.

We don't want you to do it.

Oi, put your thumb up if you don't want the operation.

Come on, let's take him home.

Let's get him out of here. Come on, boys.

Just take it easy, bro. We're gonna be home soon.