Original subtitles

Okay, Carlotta, show me your hermit crab.

Hold him up. Now let Jana see the eyes.

I need to see the eyes and he needs to see my eyes.

Okay.

All right, he's telling me he'd like the TV moved closer to his tank.

He would like to watch TV with you at night.

He doesn't want to watch those nature documentaries.

He wants to watch crime dramas.

That's his preferred type of television.

Okay, he's telling--

Shut up!

I'm trying to do a reading, okay?

Sorry, Carlotta, you've run out of time.

Kylie, come and get Carlotta's direct-debit details, please.

Okay.

I hate to say it, but Kylie's wedding is ruining my life.

I just can't get any work done.

You need to go up a size in that suit. You're bulging out of it.

You're kidding yourself.

He doesn't have a job. He's "in between" jobs.

He's put on a lot of weight. Sits around all day, eating my food.

I can't stand him.

It's absolutely doing my head in.

That's not how you pet a male dog.

All the soft stroking, no.

Don't misgender my dog.

That's is a male dog.

Okay.

You pet it like this, in a masculine way.

You see how much happier he is when you do that?

Hello, my boy. Hello, my boy.

-You're my boy dog. -Alright.

-Hi, my boy. -Hello, boy.

He doesn't want your pansy hands all over him.

-Alright. Sorry. -Get your hands off him.

Kylie.

Kylie, come and check Victor's penis.

I want to see if that last bit of scab has dropped off.

Today is a very exciting day.

That's my sperm. My sperm's here!

Kylie, get the door. That's my sperm.

I told Kylie and Craig I was going to have a baby.

And I'm a woman of my word.

I will be having a baby.

Today's the day, Kylie.

Mama's gonna get pregnant.

Apparently, you just squirt it in and hope for the best.

I feel as though I'm a very fertile woman.

I can just tell.

I've chosen some very handsome sperm.

It's from a Danish basketball player, who's apparently very good-looking.

I just can't wait to be pregnant.

Just do it for me, please.

For God sakes.

I'm paying you as my assistant, and this is your job for today.

Inseminating someone is not a big deal.

Now, when you're ready.

Oh, man. Oh, my gosh. Okay.

-And... -Ah, there we go.

And a little deeper, please.

And squirt when you're ready.

That's it.

I'll get you guys to pop inside for me.

I promise you we are selling today. It won't be passed in.

All right, I'll see you soon.

I've been practicing DJ-ing fucking 24/7.

I can't stop doing it.

I want to get real good at it.

Like, I know how to DJ. I'm just like...

I wanna just like practice.

So I look like an absolute fucking pro.

So, I've been doing it at work.

It goes down really well at auctions.

Gets a vibe going.

Good luck today, Denise.

Happy auction day, everyone!

Excuse me, Quentin, can we get the volume down?

Can we turn off the-- Can we pop off the music, now, please?

We'll get the auction started.

Thank you.

We've been working on this demo.

There's these fucking original tracks

and fucking banger that I've been writing.

Well, he writes. But I've done a lot of input on it.

And we're just making this demo,

and we're getting it out to a booking agent,

which is like this dude that's gonna get me gigs DJ-ing.

And he's lined it up. He knows this bloke.

I wanna start getting actual, real well-paid gigs.

where I'm getting, like, 20 grand minimum for appearance fees and shit.

They need to put that demo on and be, like, "Who the fuck is this guy?

I need to fucking book him."

No way. They're passing in, so...

Sorry to say, boys, we're gonna pass the property in today.

If you are interested, or you show any interest, please, come see Quentin Cook.

He's your realtor today, and he'll look after you, and answer any questions--

Or give us a call on Monday. I haven't got a lot of time after the auction.

All right? Cool. Thanks for coming everyone. Cool.

Get that fucking bag. Get the bag.

No, get-- Fuck sake.

Go. Fucking floor it.

There's a sticker on the door. They've put a sign up.

What? What does it say?

I don't care what it says. I'm not moving out.

-What? -I'm not interested.

And I told you not to film me with my rollers in!

The eviction notice has gone up. They put a big sticker on the door.

They're coming tomorrow to kick her out.

Vacant possession.

I tell you, Rhonda, I'm just not gonna open the door.

They're not getting their mitts on my collection, no freaking way.

Well, I think we've reached that point, hon.

I've sort of spoken to her brother, Jeff,

and he's expecting her this weekend, down at his farm down in Armidale.

So, my husband Bill and I, we're gonna drive her down.

Fat chance.

I'm not going to Armi-bloody-dale, I told you.

What about the sign, Joyce?

Seriously, they're coming tomorrow. You get that?

There's a fraction too much friction in your tone, Rhonda.

Oh, God.

I tell you what.

Why don't we just do something practical? We'll just pick up the vital stuff.

I've told you, Rhonda, Les is coming with his truck.

And he's gonna put the collection in it, and he's gonna take it to his place,

and I'm going to live with him.

Yeah, right.

Come in, Les. Come in, Les. Do you read me?

I really need you this time. They put a sticker on the door.

Les, today is the day. I need you to come in, please.

Confirm that the truck is coming. Please confirm.

He's got this fantastic shed on his property

and he's gonna put his stuff in it, and my stuff in it.

Yeah, he's a collector, too.

I mean, he's my boyfriend.

So, it's about time we took the relationship up a notch.

Okay, fine.

Well, I just think we should start packing up some stuff, just in case.

-How about that? -You're hungry, are you?

-Oh, my God. -You want some milk?

You want Mommy to get her boozies out?

Oh, you do? Oh, you do!

Yes, Mommy love you long time. I'll get my boozies out for you.

Don't look, you perverts.

As if I'd get my boozies out in front of youse.

Weirdos.

-Yes. Great. -Right, we'll take that.

-That should be it. -Go, go, go.

It's clear.

So, Joyce has suggested

that we swap letter boxes with the neighbors.

And when the eviction trucks come,

they're gonna go to the house over the road.

It's a pretty good idea!

Go! Run! Run!

It's actually quite a nice letter box.

That'll show the eviction pricks.

Perfect. Okay, quick, get inside.

Go, go, go.

Dude, so we'll get that new vocal track down.

I want that new track of yours on the demo.

-Yeah. -Well, I mean, "ours,"

because I'm doing the vocals, so it's like, both of us, but--

Play that new track of yours now because I want to, like, spit some shit.

I think it works better as a standalone beat,

but if you want vocals on it-- Like, is that what you--

Dude, dude, I'm dong vocals. Vocals is my thing.

Live vocals. Play the new one.

I'm gonna record it now, in case weird lyric ideas come to me.

Then I've got a record of it when we get back.

Yeah

Party

Yeah

Party till the night goes

Mm...

-Was that good? -Yeah. Just--

Party til the night goes... Mm...

It's similar to "Just Wanna Party," isn't it?

Or-- You reckon?

Dude, shut up.

-I'm just saying. -You can add shit to it, like...

Add, like, Australian shit, like didgeridoo or something.

Party til the night goes

Like, actually bring a didgeridoo on stage?

No, dude. I mean, that is inappropriate.

I'm gonna fucking just make the sound, obviously.

-It's still pretty-- -Dude, I want it to be Australiana.

I wanna be Australia's best real-estate-agent DJ.

Pretty niche.

You're not gonna have much competition out there, mate.

Dude, shut up.

Dude, image-wise,

I'm thinking of coming up from behind the decks

and whack this in, the dummy.

Oh, Jesus, man.

You're actually gonna have the dummy in your mouth?

Yeah, the people will be like, "The Dummy!"

Like, I'll be known as "The Dummy."

-Like, "Dummy." -"Dummy," man. Jesus.

They will be chanting, "Dummy Qunt! Dummy Qunt! Dummy Qunt!"

Take it out. It's not happening, man.

Fuck off. You don't know anything about image, dude.

I'm definitely wearing these.

Oh, fuck right off, you're not.

-Why not? -Jesus. Look in the fucking mirror.

-Look at yourself. -Yeah, I look good.

You look like a fucking dickhead, if you ask me.

Oh, you think you can fucking call your boss a dickhead, now.

Dude, just cut--

Bring yourself down a peg or two, mate. I'm still your boss, okay?

Just chill.

Just, honestly, dude... chill.

OK. It's all good, it's all good.

-Morning! -Hello, welcome to Gayhurst.

We're hoping to get quite a few through, today.

We're really hoping it's going to be the start of something big.

Let me give you a brochure.

We start off with a tours the manor itself.

And then, at lunchtime, the guests are going to head on over to the farmyard,

where Gavin's going to explain some of the animals...

and he's going to do some sort of presentation that he's been working on.

He's been quite secretive about it,

but we're really, really looking forward to it.

All right, who wants corn?

Pigs! Come here.

Come here, dumb cunt.

Come here, little fuckboys.

Look at youse, low-key lurking.

Oi, are you trying to smash?

Are you trying to smash?

'Cause if youse are,

then start fucking another pig, or I'm not gonna give you this corn.

Seriously.

I've got to entertain all these historical people today

It's gonna be shit-cunts everywhere.

I can't even deal.

Anyway,

I thought of this savage-ass stunt to do with the red car.

So, see the pond?

This is what me and The Frothers built.

It's a duck pond, but it went all muddy and shit.

So, we're gonna put the pigs in it.

And, Dylan, he's gonna get in it, too.

And then...

I'm just gonna, low-key, come up here in the red car,

get up heaps of speed,

come down here, right?

Hit the ramp, go over, narrowly missing Dylan's head.

Pigs are gonna be, like, low-key oinking and shit.

It lands here, back-skids out. I jump out.

Yeah, boi. Welcome to Gayhurst, cunts.

That's it.

Get in, son.

You gotta do it eventually.

No.

Is that mold?

Yeah, fuck that.

Come on. Get in.

-Do it, cunt. -No.

-Get in the mud. -No.

-Come on, get in. -No.

Don't be a little kale-eater.

Get in!

Do it, be a lit cunt. Do it for Gavin.

Come on.

Get in the mud.

All right, go right in the middle.

And you know how it's steep in the middle. Get down low.

Because when I come over in the car, I don't want to smack you in the head.

So, get down low.

I'm stuck.

-Well, just walk out. -I'm sinking lower.

Well, just walk out this end of it, then.

You just gotta move.

I'm sinking!

Well, give me your hand, then.

Oh, fuck sake.

Can you move your feet at all?

No.

You absolute dumb cunt.

I'm gonna have to get some rope to rescue this cunt.

Stay there, and don't sink any further.

Fuck sake.

Hi!

-I'm Linda. -Hi. Nice to meet you, Linda.

Jana.

Nice to meet you, Roland. Jana.

This is Kylie.

-Hello, Kylie. -And this is your hippo.

So, he's being very aggressive.

Has he been growling a lot, and barking?

-Oh. -He's being bad.

Hello, my darling.

Okay, Jana's going to listen to you and see what you're thinking.

Of course. Well, I would tell them.

I know. Well, that's not good, is it, darling?

Well, things change in life, don't they?

Okay, I see, I see. All right.

So, this is a recent relationship, you two?

Yes, it is? Okay.

Now, and the hippo was yours, prior to this? Okay.

Now, what he's telling me is, it's jealousy.

He doesn't like your new partner.

And, to quote him, he said he would crush your head like a watermelon

if you go anywhere near him, so...

I would suggest you keep this fence up and don't go anywhere near him.

I'm just repeating what he's saying.

I'm really sorry to interrupt.

I've really got to get to my wedding rehearsal.

We're half-an-hour over our session.

Don't interrupt.

-Sorry, okay. -Okay?

Now, the options are, I'd suggest maybe humane euthanasia,

get rid of the hippo altogether,

or you could hire me for 10 sessions,

and I'll be able to turn his behaviour around.

So, that's up to you.

I mean, I would suggest the latter.

-Who's that? -It's Peta Jennings.

Oh! Peta.

Hello, Peta.

Oh, yes, how's your-- Oh, he's--

All right.

No, no, no, we'll be there straight away. Now, that's an emergency.

No, your dog is an emergency. I will be there straight away, okay?

See you soon, Peta. Bye-bye.

-We've got to go see Peta. -No, Jana.

I can't, I've got my wedding rehearsal. I can't go with you.

We can't go.

It's an emergency.

What you are doing right now is absolutely grounds for dismissal.

I have a very famous client. I'm on call.

They have an emergency, and you are driving me in the opposite direction.

It's been booked weeks in advance and I'm already half-an-hour late.

Absolutely unforgivable.

After everything I've done for you.

I've been putting off telling you this, but I've had a word to Victor,

and Victor has an uncanny ability to predict the future.

And Victor told me that your wedding to Craig is doomed.

-Jana! -You should not marry Craig.

Victor told me.

Well, I don't believe Victor.

I don't believe that he can predict the future,

and I certainly don't believe that he can communicate telepathically either.

How could you say that, Kylie?

How could you question the very fundamental foundations

of my telepathic ability?

What are you doing?

I'm taking you to your emergency appointment.

Good, it's about time.

Jana, I want you to listen to me, okay?

I'm going to miss my wedding rehearsal,

and I'll take you to this dog appointment of yours.

But I am not missing my wedding to Craig.

I am getting married to Craig, okay?

Calm down, Kylie.

Is it that time of the month?

DJ Qunt

DJ Qunt

DJ Qunt

DJ Qunt

-It's good. -Is it good?

I like it, yeah.

Maybe I'm just like chilling.

Like, laying on here, but my heads, like, on the decks?

Yeah.

Right, that mic should be close up. Get the mic closer to me.

See this iPad, boys?

Like, Harrison's operating it.

Like, this is not even plugged in.

Oh, so you're not actually DJ-ing.

No, I'm not DJ-ing, but I could if I wanted to.

It just makes it look like you're DJ-ing.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -It's fun doing like that?

Excuse me, mate.

I'm just gonna practice some vocals.

Party till the night goes crikey

-Is that Irwin? -Yeah, it's Irwin.

I wanna get full Australiana with it.

You know, for international appeal.

So, me and my brothers, we've got these gimmick ideas.

When we're on the stage-- Tell them, tell them.

Ethan's come up with this.

Yeah, so we're gonna be up there, tossing sausage rolls,

and meat pies and like Aussie-based food, from the DJ booth.

Yeah. Like a Tim Tam.

Like a tray of Tim Tams, just, like, flicking them out into the crowd.

And, like, they know it's coming, and there's chicks with their mouths open.

Like, fucking, "Give it to me, DJ Qunt."

And we're just, like, spraying it out into the audience.

Like, they'll just be... It's gonna be fucking epic.

-Vegemite? -Yeah, chuck out a jar of vegemite.

Like, just a mini-jar.

Or you could toss out some lamingtons.

Lamington's good 'cause it's, like, soft.

I would quite like to walk in with a cockatoo on my shoulder.

-Just, like... -Or even maybe a kookaburra.

No, I reckon a kookaburra is more likely to fly out in the audience

and grab a meat pie if I chuck one out.

Yeah, they're not that reliable.

Yeah, I reckon a cockatoo is a way more reliable bird.

Crikey

Oi, oi, oi

Aussie

Oi, oi, oi

-What do you reckon, dude? -Oh, my--

That is incredibly lit.

Show us. Fuck, that is good.

And it's so, like, DJ Qunt.

-How much does it look like me? -Yeah.

Do we just leave it, like, "DJ Qunt," and, like, make posters out of that shit?

-Slap it up all over the city. -Yeah.

DJ Qunt, do a stage dive!

Yes!

Party til the night goes

-Right, boys. -Yeah, they're gonna love that.

That's good, that's what we'll do. There'll be more of us. Yeah.

Joycie? Joyce?

Do you want the Speak n' Spell?

Joyce, you need to tell me what you want to take, honey.

Isn't this lovely? Wallpaper that I've been meaning to put up for years.

It's quite tricky getting the pattern to line up.

Well, today's the eviction.

We're expecting the truck sometime this morning.

I'm not looking forward to it.

So, Joycie will come and stay with us until the weekend.

And then she'll be shipped out to her brother's farm in Armidale,

but she's not gonna go easily.

I don't know how she's gonna say goodbye to her collection.

My friends have all moved out for some reason.

They've locked the door behind them, as you can see.

And there's no key under the mat. I've checked.

I could try calling Big Jessie, I suppose.

I might give her a call and see if she's there.

No, it's just gone straight to message bank.

Oh, well.

Joycie, I need your opinion in here.

Look, the ute's only gonna take about eight boxes.

And you don't want too much stuff up at Armidale,

because your caravan's only gonna be small.

So, you need to help me decide what you want

before the evictors people get here.

And what about the cranes, love? You can't take--

Shush, I'm doing the song.

Why does the sun go on shining?

Why does the sea rush to shore?

Don't they know it's the end of the world

'Cause you don't love me

They're here, Joycie. This is it.

We're gonna go.

Good afternoon, ma'am. We're here to clear out the house.

We'll need to take vacant possession by end of day today.

Oh, God, no, no. no! Don't touch the collection!

No, no!

-Take your boxes. -No, back off. Get out!

Get out! Rack off, you bloody deadshit.

Don't touch Fuzzy!

No! Don't!

Oh, not the birds! Not the doves!

No, no, no!

Don't touch my things.

Get out of my house, you deadshit!

-Come on, honey, we have to go. -Oh, God!

No, no, no!

No, no! Don't!

They're my letters!

Get out! Get out! Get out!

Mayday! Mayday!

Mayday! Les, please come in. They're bloody here.

There's men in the house. Les, mayday!

Mayday!

Mayday! It's Joyce.

Les!

Mush, mush, piggy! Pull me, dickhead.

Come on, piggy. Mush!

Pull me, dumb cunt.

You've lost all chill, Dylan.

It's all G. I'll get you out. I just gotta think of something.

No, go that way, you dumb cunt.

Shit.

All right, so that rope will tighten up when the rescue drone gets in the sky.

Is that making you move at all?

No!

Just let it pull you out. Just let it, like, drag you out.

Yeah, I'll get him out eventually, but I don't know.

The main thing is, I've gotta come up with a new stunt to do for the historicals.

'Cause this one's not gonna work, obvi.

Those fucking little guinea pig fuckboys.

Them little cunts, they're breeding like rabbits.

Wait a sec.

The little fucking bastards.

I think I just took out a baby.

Yeah, it's limping.

Anyway, so...

I've got to come up with a new stunt to do, right?

'Cause everyone's gonna be staring at me 'cause I'm gonna be the next Earl.

So, yeah, I don't want them thinking I'm some lame Australian cocksucker.

How you going, Dylan?

Not good!

No chill at all.

All right, come on, son!

Fuck yes, I'm pulling you out!

I'm gonna save you, Dylan. Come on, cunt!

Yes, cunt! Yes, cunt! Get out!

Come on. I don't even care my ballsack's showing.

I'm gonna save your life!

Fuck yes, cunt. Yes, cunt, yes!

Yes! Yes! Fuck, yes!

Yes! I'm the fucking Earl of Gayhurst!

Suck on my child-sized dick!

Yes!

Can you get in? Come here and I'll show you.

Come on. Come on inside.

So, you just climb in,

and then when you sit inside...

Come in, Kylie. It's two-person, come in.

Come in with me.

Find yourself a seat and close that door behind you.

My custom-made all-weather wildlife viewing box has arrived,

and I couldn't be more excited.

It's just in case I need to go to Zimbabwe to trap my aardvark.

It's designed so that I can sit inside the box,

I can see out. My aardvark can see me through the glass.

I can call out to her through these holes here.

Natasha. Natasha.

Natasha.

Natasha, come here, come here.

And then what you do is, once you're safe from wildlife,

like you can't see anything around you,

and then maybe the aardvark comes here.

Then you open the door, and you grab the aardvark.

What if a lion gets in?

Well, no, it's just for a second. You'll be okay.

And you grab the aardvark, pull it in, and shut the door.

-Okay. -So, that's the idea.

The timing couldn't be more perfect,

because I've just received a very exciting call from my trackers.

Boys, this is the greatest day of my life.

I can't believe it. Play it again.

There she-- That is definitely my aardvark.

That is her! I can faintly see the earring in the left ear.

Oh, Natasha. I can't believe I'm seeing you again.

Well done, boys.

So, you're saying that she doesn't come when you call her name?

And you can't catch her and she runs away?

Well, then I definitely need to come.

Jana, I can't go to Zimbabwe with you.

I'm getting married this weekend.

Well, do you want me to lose my aardvark forever?

There's a very small window of opportunity

and I need you in this box, this weekend, with me.

Do you know how insane it is for you to even ask me that?

I mean, it's for an aardvark

you haven't seen it in 35 years.

Do you ever wonder why I'm such a fragile person?

Why I'm so intuitive and sensitive?

Do you? Do you ever wonder?

Because that aardvark told me to feel and to communicate in a way

that no one else can.

-Oh, Jana. -Do you know how special that is?

And I've realized that without that aardvark in my life,

something is missing.

I'm not a complete person.

I need that animal because it makes me feel something, okay?

I need to feel something, and I need that aardvark back in my life.

And I need you to help me, Kylie.

It's very, very, very important that you come to Zimbabwe with me.

Please?

So, it goes, like--

What does it even eat? Like bread, or--

We'll have to get some lawyers at some stage, I imagine.

Luke, the builder,

who's been working on Quentin's development site

has decided to sue us for the money that's owing.

Yeah, I know, it's not a very good thing.

But if we have to sell the place now,

it's not going to recover the costs of the building.

Quentin's just not bright enough to actually manage this.

I was trying to get my head around the math on this.

So, like, this dickhead wants to sue me for one million.

Like, money that I don't actually have.

Like, what a fucking prick.

Yeah, but you owe the money, mate.

He did all that work on the house.

And you're the prick.

Well, not "the prick," but you owe the money.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Fuck, I get it now. Oh, shit.

What a dick-- Well, I'm the fucking idiot.

Well, listen, mate.

Mom and I have decided that we're actually gonna sell the house.

-It'll be a quick sale. -Oh, Dad.

Yeah, but we're gonna see what we can get for it.

We can move into Grandma's place in Cronulla.

You know, if we double up,

there's actually enough room for us there with her.

Dad, you fucking love this house.

You can't sell the house, no way.

If we have to do it, we have to do it.

We'll use the sale to get you out of debt.

And we'll rebuild from scratch, as a family.

And I'll come out of retirement.

As long as we stick together, guys.

-That's so true, Mom. -Yep.

I have fucked up so bad. I fucked this up.

No, you haven't. It's okay.

-Now, look-- You haven't. -We all make mistakes.

I know that your grandpa would be extremely proud

of your pioneering spirit.

Cheers, Dad.

So, Dad, we just need money, right? Like, a few million?

We need a lot of money, mate.

Well, Quentin got a gig at the Lemon Nightclub this Saturday.

-He's getting paid $500. -That's fantastic news!

Good stuff.

We actually need a lot more than that.

-Yeah, but, Dad-- -Unfortunately.

Guess how much David Guetta got paid for his first gig?

-Tell us. -Fucking nothing.

-And now look at him. -Is he a real estate agent?

Dad...

We got a chance, here, for me to not only repay the whole debt,

but we can save the house, and I can buy you like five more houses.

-Wow. -We're talking that amount of money.

And, Dad, top DJs can earn up to $100 million.

-$100 million. -What?

-You only get a Vegas residency at first. -Yeah.

And, Dad, I can't promise this,

but I'm gonna do my best to get us out of this mess.

-Brian. -Yep?

-I always told you he could do it. -Yep.

-We just gotta trust him. -He's gonna save us.

-Well done. -Thanks, Mom.

-Love you, Mom. -Good on ya, mate.

Whoa! Bro!

I'm lit as fuck

Through the working week they say

But you should see me

On Saturday

Saturday

Who wants a fucking lamington?

-Fuck, yeah! -Me!

Yeah, give it to me, DJ Qunt!

Who wants a fucking pavlova?

Yeah, Mom does!

Give it all you got, son! Give it all you got!

Stop bloody stepping on my stuff as you walk past please, will ya?

Christ's sake.

Don't bloody take my things!

Come on, leave it, darling. I've got your favorite things here.

I need to keep them up here.

Over my frigging dead body! Don't touch my stuff!

Don't take the bloody things!

Come on, sweetheart. Hop in the truck. You don't need to be here for this.

Get a load of it. What are you bloody looking at?

You stupid neighbors!

I'm sick of all of youse.

What are you staring at?

Enjoying the show, are you?

Yeah, check me out. I'm a bloody--

Oh, do you want me to strip for you? I'm a fucking porn star!

Oh, yeah, look at my boozies!

I'm so over all of youse!

Rack off!

You're making an idiot of yourself.

I don't bloody care. I'm sick of them!

-Come on. -I'm sick of all of youse.

-Piss off! -I'm here to help you!

I don't know what to do!

-What the...? -Oh, my God!

It's Les!

It's Les!

Oh, my God!

Les!

Les!

-Hey, what? -Les is here.

-Les is here! -Hey! Hey!

Oh, my God, I knew he'd come. I knew he'd come.

Les!

I knew you'd come.

Oh, Les, hi!

-Joyce! -I'm glad you're here.

-Oh, my God, Les. -How are you?

Oh, my God. I'm so glad you're here!

Oh, Les!

You're alright, love? You alright?

-It's my boyfriend. -What?

My boyfriend Les. He's here.

I told you I'd be. I told you I wouldn't let you down.

Oh, Lenny.

-They're taking all the stuff. -Who's in charge?

Yeah?

Listen, we're gonna need everything off of this truck,

the whole collection on to my truck.

And tell your boys to be very careful because it's very valuable.

Now, when do you need all this stuff out of here?

By the end of today.

-Okay. It will be done. -We need vacant possession by 5 p.m.

I don't believe you're here, Les.

Oh, I love you so much.

Meet Les!

-Hi! -I heard all about you.

-I'm Rhonda, Joyce's friend. -Nice to meet you.

I did not believe you were real.

I told you. I showed you the photos.

-I didn't think he was real. -We talk all the time on the CB.

-You're here. -Oh, my God.

Why would I make it up? I'm not insane.

-You're real. -He's real!

-I'm real. -I love you, Les.

Let's have a great big hug.

Oh, I love you guys.

He's real!

All very exciting.

-Thank you so much for coming. -Good to see you.

Thank you all for coming.

So, we had to urgently think of a new thing

to do for the people,

and this cunt's gonna help me.

How good are The Frothers, boys?

Yeah.

That hot horse-bitch that I'm tuning is here, too.

Ingrid. She's gonna watch.

I fluff on her so hard.

Like...

I am aiming to squirt one in her, next school holidays,

when I come to England.

Or whenever my dong's big enough.

My auntie and uncle want me to do something

that incorporates the animals,

so they'll hopefully be happy with what I've come up with.

Okay, so, everyone...

welcome to Gayhurst.

This is the original manor farm.

And I'm not gonna say too much, because my lovely nephew Gavin

is going to say a few words, I believe.

Take it away.

Welcome to Gayhurst!

Dope as fuck.

That's it.

Well done, Gavin.

That was, uh--

Spectacular.

Gavin is my nephew, and this is his first time here.

And it's a very important visit,

because one day, Gavin will be the next Earl of Gayhurst.

Gavin, would you like to say a few words?

This is your community now.

These are your people.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Dylan.

I am the son of the Earl and Countess of Gayhurst.

My cousin Gavin

has decided that he does not want to be the next Earl.

It should be me...

Dylan.

I'm the eldest son.

And just because I'm a bit of a weirdo,

doesn't mean I shouldn't be the next Earl.

I'm a legend,

and just as much of a lit cunt as Gavin.

Um, now my cousin Dylan, the next Earl of Gayhurst,

will perform a song that I wrote.

If you want to fuck Let's fuck, fuck, fuck

If you want to fuck Let's fuck, fuck, fuck

Fuck me to the left And fuck me to the right

Fuck the Broadway lights

If you want to fuck Let's fuck, fuck, fuck

If you want to fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

Fuck me to the left And fuck me to the right

Fuck the Broadway lights

Fuck me to the left And fuck me to the right