Original subtitles

So, just place your angel vases on the shelf

or somewhere near your bed where you want it to look pretty

and just turn them on like this with the battery pack.

And there you go!

So, the hearts just get illuminated and it's a really pretty look.

And make sure you cover your battery pack in some decorative tape, like this.

It'll just make it look nice.

So, that's it for Kraftaholik this week.

I'm Becky and make sure you leave a comment underneath

and let me know what crafts you want me to do next.

College freshman advice.

So, guys, if you're in the first few weeks of college,

and you don't have a lot of friends,

that's okay, because just be yourself, and those friends will come.

Like they came to me, with Nancy, who is filming right now,

behind that camera.

Okay, so from me and Merma, it's goodbye.

Goodbye, and remember to hit that "Subscribe" button,

and to give the video a big thumbs-up.

Okay, bye!

Cut there. Cool.

All right, so I want to do some more, like, time-lapse stuff, but--

Come on, Becky, we talked about it. I have to study.

-I told you, right? -Please, I want to do more videos.

-Come on. -You said you'd help me.

Already done it for hours.

I've been loving doing my DIY videos.

I've set up my own YouTube channel.

So, it's "Kraft_aholik."

"Kraftaholik" with a "K" at the beginning, and a "K" at the end.

I've got 30 subscribers already.

And Nancy's helping me do it, too. She's loving it.

-Come on, take this. Take ten bucks. -No, I can't, Becky.

-I already told you I have to study. -Okay. Poo-poo.

-Bye. -Bye.

I'm spending way more of my time in my dorm room than I expected,

but I'm really loving it, and I've done a lot to it.

It's looking really good.

Hi, Becky, I'm just getting the iPad,

-then we're heading out again. -Oh, hi.

-These are my friends, Tash and Soph. -Hi!

-Hi. -How you been doing craft all day?

Yeah, but Nancy was here before, helping me.

I'm just going to study this afternoon.

You should be studying, too. That mid-term.

Chill. Don't worry, Mom.

-Bye. -And I want to be in my room anyway,

because the boys dominate the common room so much.

They don't exactly make me feel that welcome.

And they're really messy.

So, these are the bottles that I wanted to show you.

Because they're just lining them up. Like, they're drinking heaps.

And they're always playing this game,

and they're just leaving ping pong balls around on the floor.

-Like, I could trip on the them easily. -Yeah.

And, um, they're just staying up late at night and talking.

Even after quiet hour. So, like, I'm trying to go to sleep

and I'm just, like, constantly hearing noise.

And it's mostly...

-All right, Jack. -Yeah.

So, those bottles, they need to go out with the trash.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man.

Don't you guys have midterms to study for?

Yeah, we do. That won't happen again, man. I'm really sorry.

Thanks, Becky.

Fuck.

They're messing up the corridors.

Like, they're leaving clothes and stuff everywhere,

and bags outside their doors, which, there's a rule we're not supposed to.

Socks on door handles, like that.

-See that sock? -Yeah.

I think it just means they want a bit of privacy if they're with someone.

Well, that's disgusting.

Oh, and, Aaron, the fan.

That fan got left on the other day by the boys.

That is so dangerous. It could chop my head off.

They just need to understand we are living as a group,

and not just think of themselves.

I'm not trying to be everyone's best friend.

I just want all of us in the dorms to just get along.

Fuck off, you lesbian freak.

Piss off away from the front of my store! I bloody told you!

I've called the Council. You're gonna end up with criminal records!

Jesus Christ.

Today is the grand opening of My Dick.

We are all systems go.

Phase one renovations are complete,

and the store's looking schmick and span.

Patika, I want you off the floor entirely when the store opens.

Are you listening?

New paintwork, new shelving.

We got the "My Dick" clouds coming down from above.

We got the new counter over here.

The new streamlined counter with the curved edges.

New change rooms here, too.

We got the yellow curtains. They're a unisex change room.

Purchase-confidence lighting. We've had lighting experts in.

As you can see, thinning mirrors, so when you grab an outfit,

hold it up in front of yourself,

you look at lot thinner than you really are.

Which leads to sales.

Alan! Get back inside!

Get in the stock room now!

I reassigned roles. I've got Alan out in the stock room.

A less visible position.

We've hired some younger staff members.

Got Conor, here. He's head of menswear.

-How are you, Conor, mate? -I'm good. Yourself?

Fist me, dude.

That's...

Got Freya over here in cosmetics, too.

She's doing a wonderful job, aren't you, sweetie?

Give us some rouge. Give me some contouring.

Don't actually do it. I'm a man.

Jesus Christ. I'm joking, obviously.

This is another ingenious concept of mine.

These contraptions here will emit a fine mist on the customer's face

as they walk through.

They'll breathe it in, it'll relax them,

it'll energize them into a purchase mindset.

If I could get Marilyn to demonstrate.

Come on through.

What a time to be alive! Check that out.

-Breathe it in. Take it in. -Might have... been a bit close.

How does it make you feel? Does it make you feel like buying?

-Yes. -Yeah, good, good.

Sort of.

Right, stop! We are five minutes till open.

All staff in positions, straightening stock, if required.

Five minutes till lift-off, Houston.

Come on, quickly! June, in position, please.

First impressions count,

and this beast, the Hoover, has been helping me out.

Thirty year old.

Better than a Dyson. It's a fantastic machine.

It's got the wide-gauge hose

and she's been my right-hand girl for the last few days in the store.

Right on, let's open this bitch.

Okay.

All right! Five, four, three, two, one!

My Dick is officially open!

Patika, get back, please. Into accounts, now!

Rashish, music! We forgot the bloody music!

Play the music, please!

Louder! Turn it up louder!

Get into it, Marilyn.

Fantastic!

You can't expect to hit the ground running.

I mean, these things take time.

I'd be an idiot to expect to be overrun with customers just yet.

Oh, hi, ladies. Welcome to My Dick.

Keith Dick, new owner.

So, we've got some high-end labels in-store.

And, happy browsing, are you?

What did you get up to last night?

Anyway, I'll leave you to it. In you go!

Cool.

The new store will offer a retail experience

like no other.

It'll be a personalized service.

All right, so we've got a pear-shape,

we've got a pear-shape, we've an apple shape,

we've a full hourglass figure,

we've boyish, straight up-and-down with a smaller chest.

I'm gonna choose one of you, and it's gonna be you.

Come with me, ma'am. Through here, please.

The rest of you can keep shopping.

I'm just gonna-- I think there's a lot we can do here.

I think there's a banging bod underneath all that blandness.

Are you a Spanx wearer at all?

-No. -No. Okay

I think that's not going to work.

-You put that one there. -Yup.

Living at Gayhurst was boring as fart, at first.

I was, like, busting a nut thinking of things to do.

Push it in.

But it got good recently

because I started doing content for my "Cunt Lord" Instagram.

Dope as fuck.

Dope as fuck.

-No! -Dope as fuck.

No!

You record me. Stand there.

And I'm gonna sing it here, but if I move...

Today, we're shooting a music video.

It's for a song that I wrote on my phone.

It's called "The Fuck Song."

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

Fuck me to the left And fuck me to the right

Fuck the Broadway lights

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

It's three o' clock. We gotta go!

I'm pissed off to the max. Of course I am!

I've had the bloody neighbors over here, telling me what to do.

Right up at my front door, in my face,

telling me how to run my life.

It's this idiot. White one, there, two doors down.

Can't even bloody see my rubbish from his place.

And stiff cheddar if he can!

I've run out of space in my backyard.

I've had to move my rubbish to my front yard.

Big bloody whoop! It's my front yard!

And my bloody dishwasher's not working,

and the landlord won't fix it, so I've been eating off paper plates for weeks.

I'm throwing away so much bloody cutlery and crockery, it's not funny.

I'm so over it.

Fix my bloody dishwasher, you stupid drongo!

Oh, there he is. That's the idiot.

He's threatened to call the Council on me.

Stupid deadshit.

Here he comes.

Mind your own beeswax! Get lost!

Stupid deadshit.

Come in, Les. Victor-Charlie-Charlie. Do you read me, Les?

Les, are you there?

I need to talk to you.

Les, the neighbors are bullying me.

I need to talk. Do you read me?

Well, Joyce is taking it pretty badly.

Her stress levels are through the roof.

Rhonda, have you seen the toys?

Everyone's upset.

Oh, look. Look.

My friends have left messages for me.

They're really mad, as well.

Big Jessie must be so upset, and so is Peter.

Come on, love.

Look, let's have a read from the Jar of Memories.

"Jar of Memories."

This is what me and my dad did before we lost him.

It's all the memories that him and I share,

and I read them when I'm feeling a bit weird.

It's my dad's handwriting, so...

"When you went outside at night

and accidentally picked up a brushtail possum

thinking it was the cat."

There you go, love. Look.

There. You feeling better now?

Yeah, I do actually feel better. Yeah.

It doesn't take much to tip her over the edge.

We've got to get this issue sorted, quicksmart.

It's an avocado. I thought this was an Easter egg, Rhonda.

God Almighty.

All right, give me the knife.

Got it?

There's this little dumb-cunt neighbor who keeps teasing me and calling me fat.

I'm gonna kick his ass.

He always comes past here at 3:15.

Oi, cunt! Oi, dumb cunt!

Wanna try calling me fat?

You are fat.

And what are you gonna do about it from up there?

I'll kick your ass.

Well, I'll kick you in the dick and cut you with this knife,

you little bitch.

I'd outrun you easily, you fat pussy.

-We're gonna fuck you up, skinny cunt! -I'll fuck you up.

When I'm the earl of this place,

I'm gonna put you in jail, and then you're gonna get butt-fucked.

Yeah, good point.

You'll never be earl of this place, you dumb-ass.

So, just go back to Australia.

I'm sick of your fat fucking face.

I'm gonna cut your ballsack off and hang it from this tree,

you spicy little shit-cunt.

Whatever.

I've been really looking forward to today,

because I finally get to meet up with Tsun-Ling.

Lingers! Hi!

Where have you been? You're so late.

Come sit down.

So, Ling is a sophomore.

So, I'm like a rookie compared to Linger.

He was our exchange student from Guangzhou

and he came to stay with me and Lucy, like, two years ago.

And we just loved him. We just adored him so much.

Yeah, Ling is probably the main reason we came to Butterfield.

Like, when we saw what a great time he was having, we were like--

Look, not that we followed you in, like, a stalker-y way.

Like, we're not stalking you.

At all.

You should come check out our dorm. It's really fun.

There’s like heaps of parties and stuff all the time.

Okay.

So, have you been studying heaps or what? Just been... yep?

-Yeah. -Cool.

Yeah, just kick it. Oh, God.

Lingers is, like, probably my main friend here at college, so far. Like...

He's probably, like... I wouldn't... Best friend?

Like, we're probably best friends, basically.

Like, we don't hang out that much, but we text heaps.

Like I send him-- Well, we text each other heaps.

We should hang more often, though.

We should make it a regular thing, where we hang.

Why don't we do that? We should do that more often.

He's always on his phone.

-Who are you texting? -Uh, no one.

Yeah.

Okay, get in and poke your tongue out.

Stick your tongue out.

Put your... Just put your tongue...

Can you put your tongue out, or...

Oh, Lingers, remember I was telling you about my YouTube DIY channel?

I've got, not even kidding,

I've got over 100 subscribers.

Do you want to watch one of the videos now?

I'll show you one of my videos.

Uh, no. Later.

Well, they're not long. I can just show you quickly.

Oh, is that your friend?

Your friends! I recognize them from Facebook.

-Hey guys! -Hey.

I'm Becky from Australia. I'm his friend.

I recognize you guys from Facebook.

Yuen, Kwan, and Lee?

-Yeah, cool. Hi! -We gotta go.

Oh, you're going. I thought we were gonna hang for a while.

We did. It was great to see you. Later.

Give me your phone, I'll put in my Netflix details in.

I was gonna give you the username and password.

It's just for one device, but I just won't watch for a while.

There you go.

Cool. Before you go, take this.

-It's just $20. I'm not gonna use it. -I'm cool.

-We gotta bounce. Later. -Just take it. Okay.

Good seeing you!

Wow, he's so cool.

And breathing in.

And out.

And feel that release of energy.

All the adrenaline of the day, as it makes its way through your nose

and out your coccyx.

June, shut your eyes. I can see they're open.

And we are grateful for our first day here at My Dick,

and really feel that gratitude,

as we say, "Thank you, Keith."

Thank you, Keith.

-And "Amen." -Amen.

Eyes open.

So, that will be an end-of-day regular thing that we do.

If you could come over a bit sooner, please, Marilyn. Where were you?

-Okay. Finishing off. -All right, everyone.

That will be an end-of-day powwow that we'll all do at the end of each day.

Air any grievances, concerns,

anything that might be worrying you.

Patika, t-shirts, please. And...

talk about things that may have come up during the day

that may have concerned you.

We have the new staff t-shirts here that we'll all be wearing.

They're a compulsory t-shirt.

If you could hand those out, please, Patika?

We're going with a youth slant

to let the mighty customers know that we get them.

There's a range of sizes, so Patika will hand those out.

And you will be wearing them around the store as a compulsory t-shirt.

I want to talk to you about customer service.

I think this is an area that we are severely lacking.

So, a little role-play. Rashishy will be playing the customer.

I will be the service guy.

So, if you can imagine me just seeing the customer into the store.

-Hey, what up? How you doing? -Hi.

Keep it moving, keep the energy. You hear the music.

So, just keep it lively.

What, you up to much this weekend?

No, just with friends.

Yeah, cool. Going out?

I'm going out, too. Gonna get spastic on Friday.

Find out what they're here for. What are you here for?

-What are you gonna buy? -A top.

Yeah, a top. Here's a top.

Well, this... I've actually got this one myself.

So, tell them you've actually got it.

That's only for the ladies. Obviously.

Not for the men. It's a ladies thing only.

Notice the jewelry.

I'd die for this pendant, here. This little elephant.

Yeah, where'd you get that?

-A shop. -Shop, right. Cool.

Ask some stuff about that.

Eye contact, the whole time. Maintain the eye contact, like that.

People love eye contact.

So, when you see a customer, hone in on the eyes and don't let go.

Make it a little flirty.

If you need to be flirty, just start. So...

This top could really accentuate your bust,

and make you look less flat.

Yeah, that's an example of good customer service.

If you guys can connect with customers in that way,

it's gonna lead to...

-More sales. -Sales, yes, that's right.

We got that?

All right, do we have any issues from today, at all?

Well, Marilyn and I have a few.

We don't really like these t-shirts.

Keith likes them, and Keith says that's a non-negotiable.

-And I think the music's too loud. -Not for young people.

Well, we don't have any young people here yet.

"Yet."

And the perfume spray as you come in the door is just a little bit too much.

-Another non-negotiable. -Oh, come on, Keith.

You asked for our opinion. Don't be so stubborn!

Oh, deep breaths, Marilyn. Go pop a Valium.

No judgment.

And I had someone come today, not at all happy

because you were peering over the change room door.

Because she wouldn't come out and show me what she was wearing,

and I wanted to say something encouraging.

But it's just not right! You can't do that to people.

"Just not right."

Congratulations, everyone. Everyone get up.

Hands in the middle.

We're gonna do a power huddle as we say...

My Dick, My Dick, My Dick,

My Dick, My Dick, My Dick, My Dick...

Yes! That's it, everyone!

So, Joyce's neighbors have taken it up a notch

and signed a petition to have all the rubbish removed.

A bloody petition? Good on ya.

And there's a street party going on out front.

-Joyce is not going. -As if.

As if I'd go. No, thanks.

I'm still doing what I normally do.

Like, I'll be out front, doing some yoga and stuff.

What are you staring at?

Stop staring at me, you losers.

I busk out the front, sometimes.

Like, I'm still doing that. Like, I don't give a stuff that their party's on.

If you're listening, then pay up! This isn't a free show.

Put some money in the hat.

I'm not performing for free.

All right, laxative going in.

That should teach them for signing a petition.

Lemonade! Lemonade!

There's nothing wrong with it. It's perfectly fine, two dollars a cup.

Come on, girls. Come on over.

Oh, it's a free country.

Stop bloody helicopter-parenting your kids.

Loser.

Last time they had a petition, it was for your beehives, remember?

Oh, yeah, I had ten beehives out on the nature strip,

and, allegedly, they were stinging children.

The kid was allergic, and went into anaphylactic shock and nearly died.

Yeah, but they had the adrenaline syringe on him. He was fine.

Oi, neighbors!

Sorry, I'm just crossing the property boundary line.

Whose is this? Whose fence?

Sorry, neighbors. Sorry, sorry.

What are you kids looking at? Just staring at me, are you?

Oh, rack off, you dumb mole.

Neighbors! This is what I think of your petition.

Rack off!

Did you get that?

That'll bloody teach them, the ruddy deadshits.

What should we do after this?

Come on, boys. You're late!

Gavin's a really sweet boy, but he's been getting up to some nonsense.

I had a call from a neighbor

to say that he'd been quite rude to a little boy

who lives down the road from us.

And of course, that's not on.

Gavin. Gavin, what are you wearing?

Couldn't find my Pikachu trackies.

So, it's a top, but works as a bottom.

-Okay, come inside, please. -Move, duck.

You dumb-ass.

I just think he needs to be occupied.

Come on, now, boys.

I gave you the responsibility of looking after the animals,

and you haven't been doing it at all, have you?

You've got to feed them and do everything for them, all right?

And I'd like you two to have a wee think

about what you're going to say to our guests

when they come for their little tour.

All right?

-Okay. -Okay, I'll leave you to it, then.

Oi, piggies.

Piggies, come here.

Come here, you dumb cunts. Come here.

Which one's The D?

Oink if you're The D.

So, what should we do for the tours thing?

I don't know.

What if we made a sleigh, put the pigs on it, and made them drive us?

Yeah.

You want to be sleigh cunts?

-Come here. -Come here, you little bastard.

Come here.

Let's check out the other aminals.

-Do ducks have dicks? -I don't know.

No.

What are these little fuckers? Are these ferrets?

-Guinea pigs. -Oi, what about this one, here?

Release 'em in a hole in the field,

and then they'll breed and there'll be heaps of them.

That's what I'm gonna do if I'm the earl.

Release them and shoot them, like go hunting for them.

Come here, you dickheads.

Come to daddy.

I'm bored.

All right, how are we gonna do this?

Let's shove it real, real, deep in there.

How funny is that?

All right, let's glue it in.

Hey, Beckinators! I've just finished class and I wanted to show you guys

a little bit of freshman life.

So, this is where I live. This is Willow Hall.

I'm just heading back inside to see my dorm buddies.

Yeah!

Hey, bro. You like that?

She's coming, she's coming. I just saw her walk in.

I'll put it in her room.

So, these are all the dorm rooms.

This is the girls' wing, and this is the common room.

Say hi, everyone. Say hi.

Hey, Becky. How are you doing?

Yeah, good. Just having a happy Tuesday.

How are you?

You noticed I cleaned up the bottles, right?

Oh, yeah, it looks really nice. It's a lot neater.

So, I don't know how to tell you this, but...

Let's just say we found something of yours.

What?

I would describe it as a device used for female self-pleasure.

That's not mine.

Why don't you go check your room and find out?

There she goes.

Oh, no!

No!

It's still vibrating.

-Why did you do this? -There she is.

-Oh, my God. -Get it out!

Relax! It's just a joke.

-Get it out! -Whoa!

-Chill the fuck out, bitch. -I hate you!

Hey, guess what. Maybe you'll think about it next time

before you tell the fucking RA.

Fucking snitch.

-Oh, my God. -Is she gone?

-Yeah, she's running away. -She just ducked the doorway.

Oh, shit!

Okay, whoa. It's okay.

-It's all right. -Who turned the fan on?

It's all right. We'll figure it out, all right?

I hate everyone in this school!

I want to go home!

Okay, all right. All right.

Why were you running so fast, silly?

I'm not silly!

Oh, God.

It's coming.

Oh, see you later, Alan.

Yes.

See you, Freya and Conor. Well done, today.

-Bye. -Excellent job.

-And I'll see you two at home. -See you at home. Bye.

Yes. Love you, darling.

Give us a...

Bye.

-Bye, Keith. -Cheerio, love.

Fantastic work today.

You're worth your weight in gold.

Oh, thanks. Appreciate it.

-Very well managed. -You're leaving?

No, I'm staying back.

I'm just gonna do some sewing work out in the design studio.

Oh, okay. Righty-o.

-Catch you later. -Okay, bye.

I had a visit from the lovely antiques man, Rhys,

and I told him all about the petition.

Thanks, Rhys. Pop those over.

And he's helped take all the rubbish away, which is so nice of him.

So, I put a scrunchie on every second fence piling,

just to piss the neighbors off.

I said I'll get rid of the rubbish, but the scrunchies stay.

And these are my scarecrows, to keep the nasty neighbors away.

As you can see, they look quite good.

-Five-hundred dollars. -I've never seen so much money in my life.

I know, but you're not going to miss any of this stuff, hon.

I'll miss it. I'm gonna miss it, of course I will.

But just one more time, Joyce. Have you thought of selling--

No.

No, put that back. Put the teddy back.

I'm not selling the bear. That's my dad's.

-Okay. -The bear stays.

-She'll never get rid of that bear. -Can't blame me for trying.

I will never part with the bear.

End of story.

-It's been good having you here. -It's been a pleasure, Joyce.

It's been a pleasure.

Bless you. Bye, rubbish.

Oh, you're going to a better place.

I'll miss you all.

Glad I popped in, you lovely ladies.

You're a very nice man.

-Goodbye! -Bye! Thanks!

Adieu! To you and you and you!

Oh, God, I love him.

I love him.

-Hey, mate. -What?

My auntie said we have to be friends.

Yeah, my dad said the same.

So do you want to, like, have a gang?

Like, us three in a gang?

Yeah. What should we call ourselves?

I'm thinking "The Pussy Slayers"?

What about "The Rad Cunts."

"The Skitz Clits"?

No, that's a bit weird.

What about "The Frothers"? 'Cause we're always frothing over chicks.

-Yeah. -Yeah, that's okay.

All right, us three are officially "The Frothers."

Let's go.

-What's your name? -Oscar.

I'm Dylan.

-How old? -Thirteen.

I'm Gavin. I'm 13, too.

Well, I'm 13 in three months.

-So, you're 12. -Yeah, boi.

Who wants this one? Put him in the jumper.

-Hold him. -Careful.

All right, you want this one, too?

-Oh, yeah, sure. -Hold him in your jumper.

Don't trip over.

-No. -I won't.

Move, chickens! Dickheads.

Where should we release them?

-In here. -Yeah.

Okay. Just here?

Okay, here we go, guinea pigs.

Freedom.

You're free, guys. Enjoy your new life.

-What do they even eat? -Grass.

-I thought they ate worms. -What?

Go, guys! You're free!

Dumb-ass.

Bye, guinea pigs!

Have sex with each other and I'm gonna come back and shoot your babies.

All right, are you filming me?

-Yeah. -All right, start.

This is "The Fuck Song."

Okay.

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

Fuck me to the left And fuck me to the right

Fuck the Broadway lights

If you wanna fuck Let's--

Fuck! It's Mom.

Hello, Oscar. Hello, boys!

-Hi, Mom. -Hi, Auntie Helen.

Having fun with the animals?

-Yes. -Yeah?

-They're lovely, aren't they? -Yeah.

-Nah, you're all right, Auntie Helen. -All right.

Okay, I'll leave you to it, then.

-Bye, Mom. -See you, Auntie Helen.

Okay, start filming again. Ready?

-Action. -Wait, no.

Okay.

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

Fuck me to the left And fuck me to the right

Fuck the Broadway lights

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

If you wanna fuck Let's fuck fuck fuck

Fuck!