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♪
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[insects buzzing]JOHN: Well, it is rustic,
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but it got five stars on Yelp.[sighs happily]
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00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:19,932
And one of the stars
was partially filled in.
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00:00:19,976 --> 00:00:22,848
JOAN: Oh, I'm so happy
to be here with my family,
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00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:25,547
celebrating our anniversary.
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00:00:25,590 --> 00:00:29,246
Just to think,
50 years ago,
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00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:31,248
to this very day,Mm-hmm.
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00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:33,903
John and I were on
the dance floor,
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00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:35,905
and his father
grabbed my ass.
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Oh, oh, no, uh, Lark, honey,
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00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:39,865
why don't you give me
that stuffy so he doesn't
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get dirty, okay?
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No, I need my armadilldo.
15
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[chuckles nervously]Oh, uh, "dillo."
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00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:46,524
She means "armadillo."
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00:00:46,568 --> 00:00:48,918
Ever since we told her
about the baby coming,
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she's just so attached
to the stuffed animal.
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Hello!
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Welcome
to the Yucatán!
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I am Hayes,
and my wife, Rebecca, uh,
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I'm sure she's around somewhere.
[chuckles]
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I'm not sure where, but...
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she is.
Uh, anyway,
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00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:04,325
it's almost sundown,
so it is time for bed.
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I will show you to your rooms.
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[protesting]GREG: Wait,
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w-wait a minute.
We just got here.
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We haven't eaten yet.
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Thank you. That reminds me.
Uh, no food in the rooms,
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'cause they will attract pretty
much, you know, uh, everything.
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[screeching]Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
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you guys, look.
Look at the black birds
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flying out of that hole.
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[gasping]HAYES: Yes, yes.
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Aren't they beautiful?
Yeah, those are vampire bats.
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Yep. Open wounds? Does anybody
have any open wounds?
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I would suggest
covering them immediately
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as you go to your rooms.
Briskly. Please walk quickly.
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Yep. They are
aggressive. Okay.[chattering]
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Yep, always walk in pairs.
Never alone.
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Never alone here.
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I got it.
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[whispers]:
Carry the child.
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GREG: All right,
well, it's not that bad.
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You know? At least we have,
uh, our own private bathroom.
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[flies buzzing]
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It's just a hole.
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Maybe it's a laundry chute.
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Maybe. But there's definitely
feces in there.
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[gasps, screams]
Oh, my God.What?
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Go, get it.Uh, uh, okay, I got it,
I got it, I got it, I got it.
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I got it, I got it.
Here we go, here we go.
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[grunts, pants]Ugh.
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Oh![both scream]
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Oh.JEN: Tim,
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could you knock?
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Whoa, look at this.
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You guys have got
wall-to-wall floors?
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[gasps]
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And your own hole?
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Tim, why aren't you
in your hut?
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I need to borrow
some antihistamine.
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One of the girls
got bit really bad.
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Which one?I don't know. Her
face swelled up so bad,
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I can't even tell.
I'm lucky though.
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They don't bite me. Um, I
guess my blood's too sweet.
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Ah! Look at this.
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A skylight![groans]
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Oh!
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You know what? Maybe
you should take some, too.
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Just to be safe.
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Yeah. Yeah, my head
is, like, throbbing.
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Maybe I got dehydrated
on that flight.
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Thank you.
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[exhales, grunts]
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[insects buzzing]Oh!
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[screaming]
It's under my eyelid!
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Mommy, I'm scared.
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00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,134
Oh, no. No, Uncle Tim
is probably fine.
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I mean, he stopped screaming,
didn't he?
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No, I can't find Armadilldo.
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00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:07,099
Okay. It's-it's "dillo,"
Lark. Armadillo.
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00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:09,145
Where did you last
see him, honey?
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Out there, next to a bug.
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[screeching]
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00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,632
Well, everything's
gonna be okay.
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00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:19,895
We'll just have to go look
for him in the morning.
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00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:20,983
No, I need him now.
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00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:23,725
He'll die out there.
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Oh...Find him, Daddy!
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Find him!It's all our fault. I mean,
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we're forcing a new baby on her,
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and now we've lost
her only comfort in life.[crying]
95
00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:32,734
We didn't lose it, okay?
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00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:35,954
I sewed in a GPS tracker
onto Armadillo.
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00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:38,000
You did what, now?
And you can sew?
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00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:40,002
Well, I wasn't about to lose the
only thing that she cares about.
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00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:41,133
I put one in your shoe, too.
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00:03:41,177 --> 00:03:42,613
My shoe?
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00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:44,441
Yeah, that way, when
you come home from work,
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I know it's time to
reheat dinner. [sputters]
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00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:51,187
Uh-huh. And it gives you time
to clear your browser history.
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00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:55,060
Anyway, um, if you're here,
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00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:57,759
then Armadillo is
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00:03:57,802 --> 00:04:00,283
all the way out...
107
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:03,460
there. Okay, yeah, no,
I-I'm not going out there.
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00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:04,983
Fine. Then when Lark can't make
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00:04:05,027 --> 00:04:07,464
meaningful emotional connections
with other people,
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00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:11,251
we'll just tell her it's because
Daddy was afraid of a few bugs.
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00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:12,774
I'm fine with that.
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[groans]
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[shouting]
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[spitting]
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00:04:20,912 --> 00:04:22,871
All right, the bugs
were swarming my phone,
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00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:24,699
so we're just gonna have
to do this tomorrow,
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unless you've got a better idea.
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00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:31,140
You know, I don't think
you arming me with your shoe
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00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:34,143
and a baby monitor qualifies
as a better idea, honey.
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This is genius.
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00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:38,103
All right,
I see you with my shoe,
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00:04:38,147 --> 00:04:39,540
and there's the armadillo.
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00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:41,716
Yeah, you're closing in.
This is a walk in the park.
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[shouting]
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Spiders! Aah!
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00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:47,156
Greg, you can do this, okay?
Just remember,
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00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:49,289
you're doing it for Lark.Yes, I know.
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00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:51,116
What if we're just coddling her?
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00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,641
We're not coddling her.
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00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:55,033
She's freaked out
about the baby.
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00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:57,253
Maybe she just needs
to understand that,
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00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,299
you know, just because
there's a new baby doesn't mean
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00:04:59,342 --> 00:05:00,735
that we love her any less.
134
00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:02,824
Okay, well,
you're making a lot of sense.
135
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,826
Just bring back Armadillo,
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00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,654
and we can talk about it.
137
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:08,133
How much further?
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00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:09,309
Just keep going straight.
139
00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:11,311
Good, yeah, love that hustle.
140
00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:14,879
Uh, Jen, I'm standing still.
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00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:16,707
Okay, well,
then we've got a problem,
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'cause one of you is moving.
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00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:21,146
Is Armadillo moving?
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00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:23,061
Hold on.
I'm getting my dots mixed up.
145
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,672
Is Armadillo moving?
146
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,848
Oh, okay. Now I got it.
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00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:28,676
Yes. Yes, he is.
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00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,199
And at a pretty fast clip.
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00:05:30,242 --> 00:05:31,243
Oh, my God.
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00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:32,201
Something has him.
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00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:33,202
He's running towards you.
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00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,290
Greg, run!
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Don't drop my shoe!
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00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:36,814
I'm gonna die.
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00:05:36,858 --> 00:05:37,989
I'm gonna die, Jen.
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00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,209
[rustling]
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00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:42,037
[high-pitched]:
I'm dying right now.
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00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,168
Greg?
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00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:44,213
HAYES [quietly]:
Rebecca?
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00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:45,257
[both shout]
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Oh. It's you. Sorry.
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00:05:47,738 --> 00:05:49,697
I was looking for my wife,
and I found this.
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00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:51,263
I-I thought it may be a clue.
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00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:52,700
Oh, my gosh. You found it.
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00:05:52,743 --> 00:05:54,702
[laughs]
Thank you!
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00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:56,704
Oh! This is my daughter's.
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00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:58,706
Oh. Okay.
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00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,185
Wait, do you not know
where your wife is?
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00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:01,317
No, I kn--
[chuckles]
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I know where she is.
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Rebecca!
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00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:07,932
They need more towels
in hut six! [chuckles]
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[quietly]: Rebecca. Where
are you? You're scaring me.
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[insects buzzing]
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00:06:13,285 --> 00:06:16,114
Oh, my God.
[gasps] Oh, Greg.
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Oh, yes.
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00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,291
You are absolutely
the bravest man I know.
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It was nothing, babe.
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I mean, I'm-I'm just--
I'm so glad, you know,
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00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,079
that you didn't give up,
because now Lark has
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00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:26,298
what she needs
to feel loved and secure.
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We're not coddling her.
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I was just scared.
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Yeah.
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[yelping]
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00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:35,917
[screams]
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00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,310
[whimpering]
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00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:40,791
[groans][panting]
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00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:42,314
Dillo ran away?Mm-hmm.
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00:06:42,358 --> 00:06:43,707
I'll write the good-bye note
with my left hand.
191
00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,883
She'll never know.Great.
192
00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:50,322
Okay, so, we have zip-lining,
193
00:06:50,366 --> 00:06:51,280
bungee jumping,
194
00:06:51,323 --> 00:06:52,803
spelunking...
195
00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:54,631
The caves.
[chuckles]
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00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:56,720
That's probably where Rebecca
is hiding.
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00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:58,287
Yes, let's do spelunking.
198
00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:00,724
Aw, I wanted
to do the caves.
199
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,291
Oh, they're great.
They have a crystal forest there
200
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:03,727
that will blow your mind.
201
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,294
Tyler, you love crystals.
202
00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:07,775
I like crystals.Well, someone loves crystals.
203
00:07:07,818 --> 00:07:09,341
Sam, is that you?No.
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00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:11,343
[groans]
It's gonna ruin my day.
205
00:07:11,387 --> 00:07:13,084
It's me. I love crystals.
206
00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:14,346
Hey, you know what?
They'll take pictures.
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00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:17,349
You big kids go have fun,
and Sophia and I
208
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:20,048
will have our own wild adventure
right here, huh?
209
00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:22,267
Oh, that's right.
You love Billy Crystal.
210
00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:25,314
I like Billy Crystal.
211
00:07:25,357 --> 00:07:27,403
[sighs]
212
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,405
I want to do
what you guys are doing.
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00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,928
This is gonna suck.
214
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:33,888
Sorry. Looks like you're
Mom's vacation buddy.
215
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:36,368
I always am. Dad
should have to be.
216
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,109
He's the one
who married her.
217
00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:40,503
But your dad can't do
a mother-daughter fashion show.
218
00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:41,983
There's a fashion show?
219
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:43,941
Yeah.
220
00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:46,335
"Fashion in the Jungle."
221
00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:48,163
[groans] How many times
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00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:50,339
do you think Mom's gonna roar
during this?
223
00:07:50,382 --> 00:07:54,343
Just tell Mom that you
want to come with us.I can't.
224
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,911
Remember when I tried calling
her Mom instead of Mommy?
225
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:59,130
She cried for a whole week.
226
00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:02,264
I had to wet the bed again
to make her feel better.
227
00:08:02,307 --> 00:08:04,440
We all bailed on her
at some point, Soph.
228
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,268
I did when the
breastfeeding ended.
229
00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:08,836
I don't like that I can
still remember that.
230
00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:11,839
Or do what I do. Ignore her,
then when she asks why,
231
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:14,232
scream at her
and say she's embarrassing.
232
00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:16,104
And if that fails, you
can just convince Mom
233
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:18,367
to have another kid.
She's still fertile.
234
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:19,499
Ew.
235
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:22,371
What? Dad told me.
I didn't ask.
236
00:08:22,414 --> 00:08:26,375
So, we walk like this
on the runway in our beachwear,
237
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:28,464
and then we stop. Pose.
238
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,032
[roars] And then
you throw a beach ball.
239
00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:33,034
That sounds really fun.
240
00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:35,297
But it's so much work,
241
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,255
and you're on vacation.
242
00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:40,258
You should get to relax,
and I'll just go zip-lining.
243
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:42,391
Listen,
th-this is relaxing to me.
244
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,219
I love spending time with you.
245
00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:47,309
You have so much love
to give. Why not try
246
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:51,052
giving it to someone new?
Someone younger? Balder?
247
00:08:51,095 --> 00:08:52,575
Oh, honestly, if I was gonna
cheat on your dad,
248
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,969
it would be with a guy
with a full head of hair.
249
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:56,405
No, I mean a baby.
250
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,407
Is that what this is about?
251
00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:01,105
Oh, honey, are you worried that
I'm gonna have another baby?
252
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,107
What? No.Oh, honey, no. Listen,
253
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:05,153
you will always be my baby.
254
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:06,502
Oh, I...Oh, come here.
255
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,460
Oh, you feel better?
256
00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:10,854
[grunts] Well,
I've been bitten
257
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:13,117
by the spelunking bug.
[chuckles]Mm.
258
00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,337
But to be fair,
I did antagonize him.
259
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:18,296
I'm getting Dad
antihistamine, okay?Great.
260
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:23,127
Uh-oh. Hey, what's wrong?
261
00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:24,868
Nothing. You'll tell Mom.
262
00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:26,217
Hey, you can tell me anything.
263
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:28,393
I will always keep it
just between us.
264
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,266
Sophia hates you.Oh.
265
00:09:31,309 --> 00:09:33,790
She doesn't hate me. Sophia's
my little baby sweet pea.
266
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,792
Okay, she doesn't hate you.
She hates that.
267
00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:38,273
She's tired
of all the little kid stuff.
268
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:39,927
She just doesn't know
how to tell you.
269
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,189
Sophia can tell me anything.
270
00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:42,843
That's what our
snuggle time is for.
271
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:44,322
I don't think
you're hearing me.
272
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:45,846
She doesn't want to tell you
'cause she doesn't want
273
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,412
to hurt your feelings.
She knows that once she's older,
274
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:48,936
all you're gonna have
to look forward to
275
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:51,416
is mall walking
and irregular periods.
276
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:52,592
She said that?
277
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:55,986
Well, no, I said it,
but she agreed.
278
00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:58,162
Oh, my God. I'm the one
who's supposed to be worried
279
00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:01,209
about her feelings, and
she's worried about me.
280
00:10:01,252 --> 00:10:03,428
Oh, I'm a terrible mother.
281
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,517
[groans]Only in this instance
specifically.
282
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:07,607
You know, the whole time
I've just been saying
283
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,565
that Sophia's not ready to
grow up, but you know what?
284
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,611
I'm the one who's not ready.
285
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:13,264
Well, hey, you should be happy.
286
00:10:13,308 --> 00:10:14,483
You know? Your job's done now.
287
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:17,529
Finally just you and I
get to hang out.
288
00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:19,053
Of course, I'll be at work,
289
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:20,489
but you'll find something
to fill your time.
290
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:26,582
Go, Sam!Whoo!
291
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,497
[screaming]
292
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:30,542
Oh! [whooping]
293
00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:35,025
[sighs] So,
what should we do now?
294
00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:36,505
Play I Spy?
295
00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:38,246
Yes. [clears throat]
Okay, I want to go first.
296
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:41,249
I spy, I spy
with my little eye
297
00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:45,470
a girl who is ready
to try zip-lining.
298
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,429
Are you serious?Yeah.
299
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:48,560
Thanks, Mommy.
300
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:50,171
Oh! [chuckles]
301
00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:52,390
You can call me Mom.
302
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:54,218
[chuckles]
303
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,181
You know what?
I think I left the stove on.
304
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:02,096
We should get to that.
[gasps] Nope.
305
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:04,533
Oh, sweetie, listen, you don't
have to protect me anymore.
306
00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:07,362
Okay? It's time for us
to both be big girls.
307
00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:09,233
No, I'm really scared.
308
00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:11,888
I know you are,
honey. So am I.
309
00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:15,065
All right, let her go.[screaming]
310
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:18,242
I love you!
311
00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:20,418
[screaming continues]
312
00:11:31,647 --> 00:11:33,605
Hi, I'm back.
313
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,390
How are you doing?
Did you get any sleep?
314
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,565
No. I've been sitting here
for eight hours,
315
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,262
praying that nothing
lays any eggs
316
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:40,308
in any of my face holes.Mm-hmm.
317
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,049
Well, what if I told
you I figured out a way
318
00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:43,485
to fix this whole vacation?
319
00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:45,574
I'd call you a liar,
and I'd spit in your lying face.
320
00:11:45,617 --> 00:11:48,316
I'm serious. Remember
that really pretty, fancy hotel
321
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:50,100
we passed on our way in?Uh-huh.
322
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:53,408
Well, I called, and I splurged,
and I got the last room.
323
00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:55,279
Yay!
324
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:57,934
Are you speechless because
you love it so much?
325
00:11:57,978 --> 00:12:00,589
Oh, honey. No, I-I love you
so much for trying, but, um...Uh-huh.
326
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,983
We can't go.
327
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,201
That's just not an option.
328
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:05,420
But why not?
You're miserable here.
329
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:06,726
Well, yeah,
but we're all miserable.
330
00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:08,205
It's a family vacation.
331
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:09,641
That's what
family vacations are.
332
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:11,556
Oh, you are so lucky
that your father abandoned you
333
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,428
and you didn't have to go
on a family vacation.
334
00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:15,082
Yeah, but nobody has to know.
335
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,084
We're only gonna spend
our nights there.
336
00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:18,999
Like when I dated my professor.
337
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,522
Yeah. I get it.
338
00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:23,264
I just can't do it. It would
break my parents' heart.
339
00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:25,266
[sighs]And also, I have an agreement
in place with the spiders.
340
00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:28,617
I don't go out there,
and they don't come in here.
341
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,489
Well, you should've made that
same deal with the snakes.What snakes?
342
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:34,449
Oh! God![gasps] What?
343
00:12:41,325 --> 00:12:44,459
I love that the only animals
in here are made of towels.
344
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:47,418
And I love that you won't cry
yourself to sleep tonight.
345
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:52,423
You okay, Sam?
346
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,425
What a night.
347
00:12:54,469 --> 00:12:57,428
[chuckles]: I am never going to
complain about anything again.
348
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,822
This is breakfast?
349
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:01,693
HAYES: Yeah, I'm
sorry about all this.
350
00:13:01,737 --> 00:13:03,478
I'm a little distracted.
351
00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:06,481
Seems like someone
has cleared out our bank account
352
00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:08,788
and also stolen
my wife's passport.
353
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:11,486
JOHN:
Hey.
354
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,793
I slept like I had
five margaritas last night,
355
00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,533
which is weird
because I had seven.
356
00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:17,318
How did you guys sleep?
357
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:20,016
No sleep.If you want
to call it sleep, you can.
358
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:21,496
MATT: Hey! There's
my wonderful family.
359
00:13:21,539 --> 00:13:23,193
Morning.Good morning.
360
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:25,152
What's on the agenda for today?
361
00:13:25,195 --> 00:13:26,414
JOAN:
Well,
362
00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:28,459
Hayes is going to take us
to the beach.
363
00:13:28,503 --> 00:13:32,333
[Matt gasps]And all we have to do
is ride in a trailer
364
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,552
on the back of a tractor
for two hours.
365
00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:37,338
And don't worry,
we have water to share.
366
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:38,643
Oh, that's great.Yay! Fun.
367
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,123
But, I mean, this whole
vacation has been great.
368
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:42,343
COLLEEN: Yeah.JOAN: Oh, what a
wonderful attitude,
369
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:45,346
honey. I forget how great
your face is when you smile.
370
00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:48,697
Aw, how could anyone not
smile when we are so blessed
371
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,699
to be together in this
beautiful paradise?Mm-hmm.
372
00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:53,528
JOAN: Whoa, who
just leapt over Tim
373
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,182
in the in-law rankings?[Colleen chuckles]
374
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:56,531
COLLEEN: Yes!JOAN: I mean, if I
had such a thing,
375
00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:57,749
which I don't.
376
00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:00,361
All right.
Who's ready to attack the day?
377
00:14:00,404 --> 00:14:02,667
COLLEEN: Whoo! I love
the beach. The beach.
378
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:04,800
Absolutely. Huh?GREG: Hey.
379
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,584
What is this? All right.
380
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,369
Why aren't you as miserable
as the rest of us?
381
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:10,066
Yeah, why do you look
like you smell good?
382
00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:11,502
Why would you smell good?
383
00:14:11,546 --> 00:14:13,722
[sniffs] Come here.What are you doing?
Uh-oh.
384
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,376
Just want to smell you.
Oh, come on.Heather.
385
00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:18,422
Just a sni-- Oh!Hey.
386
00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:20,860
Sandalwood.
He smells like sandalwood.
387
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:22,122
Hey.
388
00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:24,602
[Heather gasps]TIM: What?
389
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,475
What do you need a key card for?
Our door is a sheet.
390
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,694
Okay, fine.
Last night we slept
391
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,783
at that really nice
resort down the road.
392
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:35,787
You broke the first rule
of family vacation.
393
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,833
We are supposed
to suffer together.
394
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,748
I know. I really wanted
to suffer with all of you,
395
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:42,403
but she just loves me
too much. I do.
396
00:14:42,446 --> 00:14:44,753
You know, I hate to do this,
but I'm gonna have to tell Mom.
397
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:46,537
Oh, you don't hate doing this.
You love it.
398
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:47,756
You're absolutely right.
399
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,366
This could be the best part
of my trip.
400
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:50,628
Okay, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
401
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:53,109
What if I tell you
there's a way for us all
402
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:55,633
to have a great vacation and
still not disappoint your mom?
403
00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:59,333
I'd call you a liar and
I'd spit in your lying face.
404
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:00,638
Oh, so this is like
a family thing? Yeah.
405
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:02,379
Okay.
406
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,599
TIM: Wow.MATT: To my beautiful wife
407
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:06,601
and her incredibly
dysfunctional upbringing,
408
00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,472
which has taught us all
409
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:10,561
that sometimes to have
a family vacation,
410
00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,781
you need to escape
a family vacation.
411
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:14,435
Aw, thank you.Cheers.
412
00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:15,740
That's right.[knocking on door]
413
00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,568
Ooh! Oh, that's our
seafood towers.
414
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,396
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Towers?TIM: Oh...
415
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,268
You guys, this is all
going on my credit card.
416
00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:23,270
Where are all the towels?
417
00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:24,793
Sorry. I had to use
a bottom towel,
418
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,316
a top towel
and a hair towel.
419
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,623
Uh, and you guys are out
of toilet paper.
420
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:29,754
I'd been holding it
for five days.
421
00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,626
And remember,
I called dibs on shower
422
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:32,932
once Jen and Lark are out.
423
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:34,455
Perfect. I'm gonna
take a bath.
424
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:35,760
We can do it at the same time
since they're separate.
425
00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:36,936
Separate how?
426
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:38,589
Get over yourself, Greg.
427
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,504
I've seen you naked
tons of times.
428
00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:41,810
When?
429
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:44,639
Well, you may have saved
the family vacation,
430
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:46,249
but they have
ruined ours.
431
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:48,469
Oh, you guys got to
try these daiquiris.
432
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:50,427
They're bachelorette
party-sized. [laughs]
433
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:51,951
How many have you had?
434
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:53,822
I don't know, but this one's
going straight to my head.
435
00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,824
Greg, you're gonna have to keep
an eye on me in that bath,
436
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,000
I tell you what.
[laughing]
437
00:15:58,044 --> 00:15:59,828
I'll keep an eye
on you, too.
438
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:02,526
We can look at each other
while we do it.
439
00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:27,987
So I still don't get why
we gave Jen and Greg our room.
440
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,032
She's pregnant, John.
441
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,034
She's been throwing up
the whole trip.
442
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:35,037
Well, this is Mexico.
Everybody's throwing up.
443
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:37,953
You know,
it's our 50th, Joanie.
444
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:41,130
This should've been a romantic
getaway-- just the two of us.
445
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:45,134
Oh, honey. What better way
to celebrate 50 years
446
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,789
than being with
our entire family?[insects buzzing]
447
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:49,312
Celebrating alone.
448
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:52,011
Hey, did you see that resort
we passed on the way here?
449
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:55,840
For the same money, we could've
got a real fancy room there.
450
00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:57,407
And abandon our family?
451
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:59,801
What kind of a terrible person
does that?
452
00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:03,979
It's not terrible to want one
romantic night with your wife.
453
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,503
Or at least a hard 15 minutes.
454
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:08,114
Well, come up here.
455
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:10,507
I don't want to lose it
on the climb.
456
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:12,509
Why don't you come down here?
457
00:17:12,553 --> 00:17:15,164
John, it took me 20
minutes to get up here.
458
00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:16,383
[sighs]
459
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:21,257
That's a poisonous ant.
Don't touch it.
460
00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:25,174
That's a poisonous frog.
Don't touch it.JOAN: Okay.
461
00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:28,960
That's a poisonous lizard.
Rebecca left me.
462
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:31,441
This guy doesn't stop yapping.
463
00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:35,097
And, uh, up ahead is
the crown jewel of our property,
464
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:36,881
an old burial ground.
465
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:39,188
Oh! A Mayan burial ground?
466
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:41,886
Well, it's more of a drug cartel
burial ground.
467
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,889
But there is a beautiful
waterfall next to it.
468
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:47,109
It was Rebecca's favorite.
469
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,938
But I'm sure she'll be happy
in Dayton, right? Oh.
470
00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:51,983
Joanie.Got her old job back.
471
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:53,898
Let's take a closer
look at this tree.
472
00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:56,379
What tree?
Who cares?
473
00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:58,207
The only thing I want
to see is you.
474
00:17:58,251 --> 00:18:00,949
Oh, sweetie. Can't you just
make the best of it?
475
00:18:00,992 --> 00:18:02,864
I have the best of it.
476
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,083
And look where we are.
477
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:05,910
Look, it's paradise.
478
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:08,870
And you're still the
most beautiful thing here.
479
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:10,828
Oh, John. Mm.
480
00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:12,091
Come on, honey.
481
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,483
We should keep up
with the tour.
482
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,920
The graves,
the waterfall.
483
00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:17,183
We'll catch up, huh.
484
00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,446
Uh, we just need
a hard 15 minutes.
485
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:22,013
A hard 15 in the jungle?
486
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:24,886
This is all your fault!
487
00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:29,543
We're stumbling around a jungle,
lost for two hours.
488
00:18:29,586 --> 00:18:33,329
I'll never see my family again,
and I'm worried about Hayes.
489
00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:36,245
I think he's-he's
clinically depressed.
490
00:18:36,289 --> 00:18:37,942
Listen to me, Joanie.
491
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:39,161
We're gonna get through this.
492
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,423
Trust me.
493
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:41,903
A road.
494
00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:43,383
Oh, thank God.
495
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:45,385
Oh, I thought, sure,
we were gonna die.
496
00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:46,429
Oh, thank you.
497
00:18:46,473 --> 00:18:49,519
Oh, please.
498
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:51,042
Oh, stop. Help here!
499
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,218
Here, let me help you.
500
00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:54,045
No! You've done enough.
501
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:56,004
You and your selfish jungle sex.
502
00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:58,963
Why can't you be
more like the kids?
503
00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:01,096
They just want
to be with us.
504
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,229
[indistinct chatter]
505
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:06,971
Thank you so much.
506
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:09,017
[excited chatter, laughter]
507
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,063
HEATHER:
Okay, Mom.
508
00:19:12,107 --> 00:19:14,240
Before you say anything,
just know
509
00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:15,937
that staying
at the nice hotel
510
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,852
was all Colleen's idea.What?!
511
00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:20,028
Yeah. She practically
forced us to do it. Yeah.
512
00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:21,290
So remember that next time
you're ranking the in-laws.
513
00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:22,465
[exhales] Narc.
514
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:23,988
JOAN:
Are you telling me
515
00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:27,383
you've been sneaking off
to a fancy resort?
516
00:19:29,342 --> 00:19:31,082
Our children suck.
517
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:35,086
Well, I hope you're all happy.
518
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:39,308
Now your mom has a broken heart
and possibly a broken leg.
519
00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:40,527
What happened to her leg?
520
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:43,094
Well, we got lost deep
in the jungle,
521
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:45,967
and then the terrain
was very treacherous.But-but before that,
522
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,361
she slipped on a rock
while we were doing it.
523
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:49,536
HEATHER: Dad.COLLEEN: TMI.
524
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:51,102
Noice.
525
00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:52,974
Look, your mom went out
of her way
526
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:54,628
to give us a great vacation.
527
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:57,370
Now we have to find a way
to make her feel better.
528
00:19:57,413 --> 00:20:00,199
I wish I could give you
my armadilldo.
529
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:03,027
It's "dillo," Lark.
530
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:04,681
Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait.
531
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:07,206
What if I told you there's a way
for you to salvage your trip
532
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:11,122
and still have the most
amazing anniversary ever?
533
00:20:11,166 --> 00:20:15,518
I'd call you a liar
and spit in your lying face.
534
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:38,976
JOHN:
We want to thank you kids.
535
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:41,152
This is exactly
what we wanted.
536
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:43,894
I can't believe
it's 50 years,
537
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:47,289
and look at this beautiful
family we've created.
538
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:50,901
JOHN: Yeah. What your mother's
trying to say is...
539
00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:52,033
beat it.
540
00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:55,993
It's our anniversary.
541
00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:58,518
GREG: I cannot believe they
wouldn't let us stay with them.
542
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:00,128
MATT:
Hey, well, at least Mom and Dad
543
00:21:00,171 --> 00:21:01,216
are having a happy
anniversary, right?
544
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,870
COLLEEN:
Yeah, that's something.
545
00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:04,045
Tim, when did you
get that tattoo
546
00:21:04,088 --> 00:21:05,307
of a scorpion
on your neck?
547
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:07,004
I don't have a
scorpion tattoo.
548
00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:09,050
Oh, my God.
Nobody move!
549
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:15,274
Here come the bats.
550
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:16,275
MATT:
Oh.
551
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:17,972
ALL:
Run!
552
00:21:18,015 --> 00:21:19,103
[all shouting]
553
00:21:19,147 --> 00:21:21,932
Tim, you have a scorpion
on your neck!
554
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,107
Don't leave me here!
555
00:21:23,151 --> 00:21:24,500
I love you!
556
00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:29,505
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
557
00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:32,595
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
558
00:21:32,645 --> 00:21:37,195
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