Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Where's me gold?

Next stop, Devil's Lake.

Hi, Katie, uh, this is Lila Jenkins.

I'm pretty sure you said you were gonna pick me up

but I'm-I'm here at the bus stop,

so I guess I'll just keep waiting.

Please don't come this way.

Please don't come this way.

Do you need a ride?

Uh, no.

No, I'm definitely waiting for someone.

You must be one of the girls fixing up the old house

way out there from campus.

You know about that?

Small town.

It's hard not to know everybody's business.

Not-not that I try to know it,

I just seem to end up knowing it anyway.

Ok, well I should keep waiting for my friend.

I don't mind.

I don't usually travel out that way much anymore,

but... you look like someone I used to know.

Ok.

Ozzie's Taxi.

I need a ride.

Good.

Are you Irish?

No, no.

Oh.

Just a fan of the culture?

Not at all.

I... I haven't seen you before.

I'm pretty good at remembering people.

I...

Oh, yeah, no. It's my first year.

Well, I'm not a freshman, it's my first year at Laramore.

I just transferred.

Am I talking too much?

I'm sorry.

I'm a little nervous.

Oh, I'm always a little nervous.

You know, I've always wanted to come here.

My mom used to live here.

In Devil's Lake?

Yeah.

Yeah, actually at the house we're going to.

Her dad, well, my grandfather, bought it for her.

But now the university owns it.

You're Tory Reding's daughter?

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

Did you know her?

Yeah.

Is that who you thought I looked like?

Yes.

How is she?

She passed away last year.

I'm sorry.

She was... nice to me.

Well, if you have any stories about her I'd like to hear them.

She didn't tell you anything

about the place where you're going?

No.

Ah.

Well, it's probably because everything's alright now.

What is?

Nothing.

I didn't realize the house was so far from campus.

It's far from... everything.

Thank you.

Everything ok?

Oh... yeah.

Everything.

We made sure of it.

But if it's not, look in the basement.

Wait, what?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, hello, hello.

Are you Lila?

Yeah.

What're you doing here?

I thought your bus didn't get in until 4:00.

It did.

It's 4:00?

It's 5:30.

Oh, that means you had to spend an hour in a truck alone

with Ozzie the weirdo.

It's probably for the best, though.

Meredith isn't even back with the car yet.

Ugh.

Who the hell knows where she went?

Ok, be warned.

Hmm?

Rose has gone all Ed Begley Jr.-

Who?

Never mind.

I'm thinking of crushing up some of my Klonopin

and spiking her clover juice.

I love clover juice.

Right?

I'm so over kale.

We found this random clover patch in the yard a while back.

It inspired us to grow some in the garden.

Did you pick it up yet?

Not yet!

Lila's here.

I thought she wasn't getting in until... oh.

Well, it's good you're here, Lila.

We need your help.

She just got here, Rosie.

Lila, do you wanna pee outside or inside this week?

Uh, inside?

Then it's time to get to work.

Grab that wire.

Ok, Lila, this hose is gonna be our water line

until we get the pipes in.

Then our water source will be officially self-contained.

Step one of going off the grid.

Oh, wait, you guys weren't using the well before?

No, they stopped using it years ago because they said the water

was corrupted but I tested it myself and it's totally fine.

Like, perfect.

We should have been done with this already but it took longer

because someone decided to try and jury-rig the solar panels

so she could use it to get internet.

Dude, we haven't had it for, like, three days.

Wait, there's no internet?

Yeah, no internet, no power, and no cell service, either,

until we get these frikken' solar panels installed.

There.

Once this juices up we'll have water

and once Meredith gets back-

Ok, who's-who's Meredith?

She's... she's the asshole.

Yeah, but she's the only one at the sorority

that's studying native plant landscape architecture.

So we need her.

Yeah, well, she loves her native plants.

Oh...

Think, Ozzie.

You had your phone at the bus stop.

You had your phone in the truck.

On the way to the house.

And now you don't.

It's at Tory's.

Darnit.

As long as Meredith is focused and booze-free she's great.

I brought refreshments.

Also, I got beer.

Katie.

Meredith didn't tell me you were gonna be here.

Didn't I?

Hey.

I'm Matt.

I'm Andy's friend.

It's nice to meet you all.

No, Meredith.

No, no, no.

This is not why we're here.

This is not supposed to be a four-week party,

this is serious.

This is me being serious with a beer in my hand.

Mmm.

Plus, you told me to find people that are handy.

That's Matt and Andy.

That rhymed weird.

Anyway, it's like six.

We can be socially conscious and get shit-faced.

They aren't mutually exclusive.

Well, actually the sun doesn't go down until about 7:00,

so, you know, we could work for a while...

Who's the party killer?

Oh, uh, hi.

I'm-

That's Lila, Meredith.

Our newest Alpha Epsilon sister.

Well, I also got pizza but if you guys don't want any...

Fine!

But only because I'm starving!

We're still starting early tomorrow!

We're still starting super early tomorrow.

Yes.

Ugh.

Of course she invited Andy.

She always has to start trouble.

Andy and I used to date.

I'm absolutely not going to sleep with him tonight.

It's just coincidence.

Just a coincidence.

Oh god, no!

Leave me alone!

No!

Papa?

We... we killed you... 25 years ago.

You're dead!

25 years.

You're lookin' a little worse for wear, my boy.

If you don't take care of your body...

It won't take care of you.

There once was a lad they thought died,

His flesh had melted off his whole hide,

But he escaped from the well, alive and quite swell,

And now he'll be killing in stride.

25 years, then?

I've got a lot of killing to make up for.

When did I get better looking?

You guys really going off grid.

By the end of summer we'll have moved all our electricity

to solar and all our water to the well.

We'll have grey irrigation and-

And we're myotonic goats for their milk

and soil aerating because the nitrogen in their...

It's gonna be totally kick ass.

You do have a great ass.

No offence, but you guys might win

nerdiest sorority on campus.

We are actually the only sorority or fraternity, Maddie

since Rose petitioned to start a chapter.

Relationships are the key to a successful career.

If you are in a good sorority you will have contacts

anywhere you apply for a job.

Hey, Rose?

What's this for?

The golden trowel?

I got that for building yurts out of...

Look, can we stop talking about work for five minutes?

I wanna learn more about our new friend, Lila.

Yeah.

I'm sure this can't be easy for you.

Leaving all your friends at your other school

to hang with some strangers in the dark.

Um, actually I lived at home and commuted

so I didn't know that many people.

But you had some friends.

No.

Um, I spent most of my time taking care of my mom.

What was wrong with her?

Maybe she doesn't wanna talk about it.

No, it's ok.

It's what people do, right?

Um, she had some mental health issues.

She thought that monsters were always trying to get her

so she never left the house.

And then she got cancer.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all that.

Well, I think I'm gonna get another beer.

Anyone want anything?

I'll help you.

I got it.

I'll help anyway.

Ugh.

I love how she's all pretending she's not gonna screw him later.

Looks like I'm sleeping in your room, ladies.

As long as they're up at 6:00 I don't care what they do.

Lila, I need you on the rainwater barrels tomorrow.

Sure.

I can help you.

Thanks.

Careful, Matt.

Sounds like Lila's mother was crazy

and that shit's hereditary.

She wasn't... she couldn't... that wasn't very nice.

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

I'm just kidding, Lila.

No, really. It's ok.

I'm just tired.

Well, goodnight.

Is it just me or is she a little weird?

Crap.

Only you could make cleaning look so filthy.

Stop it.

I'm trying to clean.

Being super clever won't get you anywhere.

Hello?

Oh, no.

Shit!

Oh my god!

Shit! Shit!

This is gonna set us back half a day!

No, no, no, it's ok, it's ok.

Um... I think I got it.

Well, it doesn't matter!

Look at all this water!

Um, ok, well if you let me have the well pump for a couple hours

I can use it to drain the water in here.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Thanks.

Of course.

I spent so much time taking care of my mother

that I got pretty good at problem solving.

Clearly.

But, helpful, friendly hint:

maybe don't mention your mother so much.

What are those?

Meredith likes to juice the fruit and vegetables

from the garden.

Wow.

I had no idea she was so health conscious.

Please.

She infuses them all with vodka.

I love the smell of me gold in the morning.

Oh, actually you're supposed to drill it straight down,

otherwise it might get loose.

It's fine to do it this way.

I've done it before.

Me too, and I'm telling you if you-

I knew you were gonna get weird if we had sex again.

Woah!

Woah.

First of all, you hit on me, remember?

And second of all, this is so not about that.

You're literally just putting it in wrong.

Or...

you're being weird.

You know what, you ruined it.

We're not having sex again.

God.

Boo!

Mer?

Yeah?

Are you ok?

Yep. Peachy.

Are you still in your pyjamas?

Yep.

Jesus, Mer!

What is the point of you being here

if you're not gonna participate?

Do you even care about what we're doing here?

Yes, I care.

I care more about these plants than any of the a-holes

around here.

Really?

A plant has one job, Rose.

It does it really well.

The right plant in the right place won't only thrive

for itself it helps the world around it thrive.

That was kind of lovely.

Also, you can ferment almost any plant to make alcohol.

Hello?

Ok guys, very funny.

Joke's on the new girl.

Uh, sorry, I uh, I-I came to see if you needed help.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

Were you just banging on the cistern?

I don't even know what that means.

Cis...

Right, uh, sorry.

The-this thing.

The water barrel.

Uh, no.

Hold on, I got an idea.

With no gold these 25 years.

I've lost me knack.

But time and a fresh killing should help bring it back!

I'm the least handy person.

I am good with a camera, but don't ask me to fix your sink.

That's ok, I can fix my own sink.

So is that why you wanted to be a camera person?

Whoa, filmmaker, way different but uh...

yeah, you know, these days you have to do it all like

Cassevetes or Rodriguez.

Maybe I can film an interview with you later

for the documentary

No, no, I don't have anything interesting left to say.

You pretty much heard it all last night.

Friendly shut-in.

So you know, my mom actually used to live...

Ahhhh!!!!

Why are you here?

Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have to do the interview if...

No, no sorry, I just thought I saw the taxi guy, but dead.

I don't know why I just said that.

It's fine.

I should probably get some last-minute footage

before it gets too dark.

Way to go, Lila.

Anything?

It's working!

We have power!

Well, then it's time to celebrate.

Yes!

Katie, come on!

Ahhhh!!!!

Meow!

Meow!

Help!

Help me!!!!

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat,

nor bloom of light can stop a leprechaun from a kill.

What is this?

All better.

Hee hee hee!

Killing is the key to my health

and helps me in finding my wealth.

Oh, that is awful!

That is so awful!

Are you ok?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

The hot water just ran out.

Don't tell Rose, she's gonna flip.

Eh, for SnapChat!

I love having internet again!

See, visually I was going for like,

a David Lean thing here, making the landscape the protagonist.

Oh, whatever.

All that moving is making me nauseous.

Babe, I think the shots you did are making you nauseous.

Andy, is that you peeing in the back yard?

What?

I thought the john wasn't working.

Ugh, you're such an idiot.

Wow, Matt, this looks so cool.

Oh, thanks.

Weird? What is that, a rabbit?

God.

Rabbits will eat through the garden in an hour.

This is literally the worst thing that can happen right now.

What is this?

This wasn't on my play list.

I should put a temporary fence around the garden.

Matt, we should pull up our mattresses.

Sure thing, man.

Mmm, no.

I don't know.

I didn't have the right sized fuses for the circuit box.

I don't think it can handle that much power at once.

If you want me to sleep with you again

you don't have to make up excuses, ok?

Just say so.

God, I hate you.

Ugh.

She wants me.

Ok, well, um, I actually have portable speakers

that we could just plug my phone into, no problem.

Ugh.

I hate it when people try too hard.

Now we'll probably be stuck listening

to the Wicked soundtrack all night.

Ok...

Your bear isn't the only animal on the endangered list, love.

This can't be real.

Do I look like a figment of imagination to you?

Ahhhh!!!!

Fruity.

And full-bodied.

With hints of your mother.

You're the thing my mom always said was real.

She wasn't crazy.

Crazy to think she could get rid of me forever.

Her and her friends tried.

They watched me melt and threw me down the well to rot!

But if you leave a piece of a leprechaun intact,

you haven't killed the leprechaun.

And thanks to this piece of gold taken from my friend's bowels

I was able to reform at my discretion.

Now, I want the rest of it.

Give it to me.

I don't know anything about your gold.

Then what's hanging around that pretty neck of yours-

Ahhhhh!!!!!

What kind of trick is this?!

It's not a trick.

My mom gave it to me.

She said it would protect me.

It looks as real as me gold.

Now what did you do with it?

Andy!

Katie's never gonna let me hear the end of this.

I told you this was gonna happen.

I got the fuses you told me to.

But...

You know what?

I don't care.

Well, this party sucks.

Way to go, dude.

Oh, go film the damn stars, Scorsese.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to...

Lila!

I'm here for you, lass.

Or am I here?

Lila, are you ok?

Matt!

Forget that hack.

I saw you in the shower.

You've got boobs of tal... I mean, oodles of talent.

I'll get all your best angles.

Oh, you're disgusting.

But in a sexy way, right?

Oh, gross.

You give great head.

Lila? You ok?

I'll be right there, Matty.

Wait, no!

Are you ok?

Yeah.

Wait, wait.

Did you see it?

Something ran past me and knocked me down.

Like an animal or something.

I caught it on my camera.

No, that wasn't an animal, ok?

It was-it was...

look, we need to get out of the house.

I'm sure we can set traps in the morning.

It's not exactly the end of the world-

No, it is kind of the end.

We seriously need to go!

Um...

Look, I'm not crazy, ok?

But how would you know that?

You don't know me.

None of you know me so of course you think that I'm crazy

just like everyone thought my mother was crazy

and Rose told me not to talk about my mom too much.

We are all so screwed.

Where is everyone?

I don't know.

We need to find them.

God. What an asshole.

Your face.

God!

Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?

What's wrong?

Hmm?

I think there's another box of fuses in the barn.

If we don't turn everything on at once

I think we can get the lights working again.

Aren't you the smarty pants?

Stop it.

Hmm?

I am not.

I'm not gonna keep doing this.

There once was a lass in college,

Who studied the spirits for knowledge,

She laid hard with the devil, To rise up a great level,

But no one begrudged her the mileage.

A golden shower.

I don't care what the others say about you.

You're a keeper.

What do they say?

You know... I got a glad eye for a fellow tosspot.

I think I'm having alcohol hallucinations.

Don't be selling yourself short.

Short?

A walkman and a camera all in one.

Impressive.

What's a walkman?

Forget it.

I'm looking for something and if you tell me where it is

I won't rip you to shreds.

What're you looking for?

Come a little closer and I'll tell you.

Katie?

Oh, Rose.

Do not tell me something else is wrong.

I filmed an animal in the house.

It's inside?

Everyone needs to close the doors when they go.

Ok, it is not an animal.

It's a leprechaun.

So, no animal?

Ok, I am going to try to explain this calmly

so that you both can see that this is real.

I went to get my speakers and the leprechaun was wearing

my bear's head and it-

it attacked me and then it ran off

when all the lights went out.

Thank god.

Not for you, Lila, for the house.

Oh, for you that sounds...

mental illness is a really unfortunate problem.

Maybe she hit her head.

There is a deranged dwarf obsessed with money

in the kitchen!

What?

Yeah, I got away before he could do anything.

See? That's him.

I told you.

It could be a crackhead who got a hold of the wrong stuff.

It's a leprechaun!

How did you get that?

Guys, I always thought that my mom was sick, ok?

I mean, the strange things that she used to say.

That he would murder anyone for his gold.

Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't take stock

in the rantings of a crazy person.

She wasn't.

Ok?

I mean, I always thought, but... you know, she wasn't.

Katie and Andy are out back.

We can't leave them.

Guys.

Guys, I really don't think this is a good-

I gotta go take a leak.

No, no, no, no, that's latex which isn't biodegrade...

I make such bad choices.

Come on, Katie.

I don't wanna have another talk right now, ok?

My sentiments exactly.

The ladies always want to ruin the moment.

That's why I'm fond of tearing out their tongues.

What the hell are you?

I'm a leprechaun and I've come to get me gold back.

You wouldn't know anything about that now, would you?

Dude.

You and me.

I've given you something.

Now I want what was stolen of mine.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Let me put it in a way you'll understand.

Tit for tat!

It got me!

My bad, it was just a piece of hemp grass from the...

Shit.

What's happening?

It's him.

He's shorter in person.

Is that all you got, you micro freak?

I'll admit, without me gold I'm not in top form,

but I, unlike you, still know how to perform.

I'll stomp your ass!

Andy, just let it go!

Get out of here!

Shut up, Katie, I know what I'm doing!

Ahhhhh!!!!!

One for Andy.

Actually it's one for me and two of...

I don't have the key on me!

It must be in my room!

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure!

Do you think Andy's dead?

I mean, I don't think he was split

down the cardinal plane but he...

Oh my god, he's dead!

Oh my god!

Why can't we just run?

We-we can get as far away as possible.

Wait, did we lose Rose?

Hello?

Ah!

Heel! Heel! Heel!

That's not exactly what I meant.

You vile troll!

Troll? Now, that's just offensive.

Now why would she go and do that?

You can't leave perfectly good shoes just lying about

without a care!

Maybe he ate her.

No, no, no, no.

I- I don't think that he's a cannibal.

Well, he could be a cannibal, I mean...

No one cares, Matt!

No, he seems a little too refined, though.

I mean, he wears that frikken' jaunty hat!

We have to go back for her!

What?

Ok.

Babe, don't be mad, ok?

It's the right thing to do.

It's just, it's a little surprising coming from you.

So we're just gonna go in like it-like it's nothing?

Look.

We are a bunch of smart women.

Matt, you seem smart, too.

Ok, we can do this.

We can totally figure this out, right?

Right?

Probably doing fashion a favour killing that one.

They should be on my desk.

He's gone.

Come on.

Do you see a mouse?

Ok.

Shh.

Shh!

Shh!

Why would you do that?

I was trying to quietly get your attention!

Mission not accomplished!

What're you doing here, anyway?

I needed something.

Where's the lawn gnome?

We lost him, but we gotta get to the car.

But the house?

Everything I've... we've worked for,

we can't just leave it!

It's time to start making some smart choices, Rose!

You can't save the world if you're dead, ok?

Come on, let's get to the car.

Meredith will have to get the keys.

Shit!

He's coming through the back.

Wait, what?

No, no, no.

Are you sure?

Yeah, look.

He's too close, we're not gonna make it without him seeing us.

We should hide in the basement, wait 'til he passes,

then book it to the car.

Wait, what?

No, no, no.

Meredith, I think this could be a really bad idea, ok?

I mean, I mean, we could get trapped in there.

Will you trust me?

We're sorority sisters.

And friends.

No, no, no.

Meredith?

Meredith!

Come on, what're you doing?

Let me out!

He just wants his gold, Lila.

Give it to him and I'm sure you'll be fine.

No, no, no, Meredith, Meredith,

I don't think that's how he works, ok?

I mean, you-you saw what he did to Andy, alright?

You can't trust him.

Come on, you don't know him.

I don't know you, either.

None of us do.

No, no, no!

Come on!

Meredith, come on!

Let me out!

Woah, woah, woah, where's Lila?

She didn't make it.

What do you mean?

She's dead!

He killed her!

What?

We have to go!

We should get out of here.

He's probably really close by now.

That's the car of the future?

Sad.

No, no, no, no, get away from me!

What is going on right now?

Are you here to hurt me?

Ok, I'm just gonna go ahead

and I'm gonna guess that you're dead.

Did the leprechaun do it?

I'm sorry.

Are you a zombie?

A ghost?

This should help a little.

Is the leprechaun how you know my mom?

You guys stopped it together?

I didn't get any of that.

Ok, well uh, what would be really helpful is

if you knew where his gold was.

It's in one of these boxes?

There's nothing in here.

Tory, Nathan, Alex, Ozzie.

A map of gold?

Ozzie, this is amazing!

Wow.

Super strength, telekinesis, really good impressions.

He's like an awful David Blaine.

Or just David Blaine.

Wait, clovers can stop him?

Ok, ok, ok.

We just have to find a way out of here now.

Uh, Ghost Ozzie, I can't do that.

Ozzie?

Ghost Ozzie, a little help here.

Alright, time to go for the gold.

Yeah, this would have been a better first option.

Sorry!

I'm super drunk.

Did we get away?

Did we just get away?

I don't see him anywhere.

We did it!

I feel super bad about Lila.

She's getting what she deserved.

What do you mean "getting"?

Is she still alive?

Did you lie?

What?

But she's the reason all of this happened in the first place.

The leprechaun said if I gave her to him

he would let us leave.

Us?

Fine, me.

We are sorority sisters!

We stick together!

You think I wanted to be in a sorority?

No.

We need to go back for her.

We aren't even a real sorority,

you literally set it up like a month ago!

Woah!

Woah, woah, woah.

Go faster!

Go faster!

I think we've established it's not going to happen!

Here!

Turn here to the right, to the right!

To the right! To the right!

I think you got him.

Stop!

No!

Come on!

Do you see the keys?

No.

Ozzie?

Katie, look for the keys.

Oh my god.

Looks like you've hit a dead end.

Katie!

Me gold must be close by

'cause I'm starting to feel like me old self again.

A few more kills should do the trick.

I did what you wanted.

I left Lila for you.

You said you wouldn't lay a hand on me.

I suppose I did.

And a leprechaun always keeps his word.

What the hell are you doing?

Meredith!

I made a deal with him.

You wanna make your own deal, go ahead.

I'm getting the hell outta here.

Let's go.

I won't lay a hand on you.

Really?

We're friends.

Meredith, 1.

All of you assholes, 0.

Woohoo!

You promised!

Why are you doing this?

I promised I wouldn't lay a hand on you.

I didn't say I wouldn't kill you.

Now she's one with nature.

Ashes to ashes!

Blood and guts!

Do you think she's ok?

Uh, no.

Is everything alright?

Yeah, I think I can get this working with my phone.

You guys keep going.

Maybe I can slow him down.

You can find Lila, get the power on and call the police.

Are you sure?

Not really.

But a great filmmaker is like the captain of a ship.

If Werner Herzog can do it so can I.

Werner Hertzcock would be proud.

Thanks.

Who's Werner Hertzcock?

How the hell should I know?

Oh!

Ok. Ok, just keep it together, Lila.

Pied piper this, douche bag.

I see you little birdie.

Where the hell are we?

I was hoping that you knew.

Nope.

Ok.

What're you doing?

I'm looking for the north star on my star-gazing app.

Do you see it?

Yeah, look.

See? It's that one.

So we're supposed to go north?

Well, technically the sorority house is south east but...

I don't know.

Without the proper coordinates

I don't know exactly where we are, so...

You have no idea?

No.

Shh! Shh!

It's him!

We are so dead!

Be quiet!

You're not dead!

Good for you!

Thank you.

What're you doing out here?

I'm looking for his gold.

I thought you said you didn't know where it was.

Well, I didn't.

But now I do.

Almost.

Ok.

Alright.

Alright.

Oh, shit.

Lights, camera, decapitation.

Work goddamit!

Why do you look so sore?

Audiences love lots of gore.

Help!

As long as you don't let it get to your head.

I tried to warn you.

And now you're dead.

Ok, so my mom and her friends hid the gold.

I guess they didn't want anything to do with it

but they hid it here in case it came back.

Which, obviously, he did.

Where'd you find the map?

Oz.

Look, what if the gold isn't there?

It has to be.

Look. There.

That seems like a big enough marker, don't you think?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok.

Um, ok.

Look, we found it!

Yeah!

Oh.

What?

That's what he's trying to kill us for?

That seems a little anticlimactic.

Well, yeah, but if that's what he wants then we just-

we have to give it to him.

No.

You can't give that to him.

That isn't all of it.

How do you know that?

Because I found it months ago, ok?

I didn't know who's it was, it was just here,

just... hidden here.

You stole it?

I only took what I needed for the house project.

I- I kept a record of it

so I would know how much to buy back

once I could afford it after everyone saw what I-

what we did with the house project.

So much for the sorority code.

This is something you should have mentioned before, Rose!

My god-we're so screwed!

I thought we were gonna get away.

I- I don't understand, though.

I thought you had a successful GoFundMe page.

Please.

No one really gives a shit about saving the environment.

The only people that gave money were my stepmother out of guilt

and some dude from Albuquerque who asked if I would send

a naked picture of myself in return for 20 bucks,

which I did, by the way.

So I funded it all myself.

But I only took as much as I needed.

I planned on buying it all back and returning it

from the Cash for Gold place.

Ok, ok.

How much more was in there when you first found it?

Not much more.

Well, what does your notebook say?

I guess like...

Oh my god.

So overflowing?

Ok, look.

We can just take it back to the Cash for Gold place

and get it back.

It's all the way in Bismarck.

God!

What have you done, Rose?

Now we have nothing to offer him!

Oh my god, oh my god, he's gonna kill us all.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ok, ok. Look.

If we can't give him his gold then...

then there's only one thing left to do.

Run forever?

No.

We use his strengths against him.

And we kill him.

Where are you going?

Ok, I don't know, actually.

That just seemed like the right thing to do

but we should probably make a plan first.

Yeah.

Ok, well, we know his strengths.

I mean, that's something.

Yeah, but we don't know what his weaknesses are

and we can't just Google how to kill a leprechaun.

Wait, can we?

If we had power, yeah.

We could just reboot the internet and call the police.

Wait, is there a way to turn the power back on?

I just have to change the fuse.

Lila, why didn't he take the coin around your neck?

Well, he tried but it burned his hand when he grabbed it.

Let me see it.

I think it's fool's gold.

How can you tell?

Andy tried to pass off this bracelet he got

for my birthday as real gold.

It wasn't.

Lila, fool's good is iron pyrite.

Iron.

That's a thing, right?

That sounds like a thing we can stop him with.

Oh, yeah.

And four-leaf clovers.

How do you know that?

I just do.

Where are we gonna get that much iron?

Guys, I have an idea.

We are so not going to pull this off?

We can do this.

We can do this.

Well, we have to give it to him.

That's easy for you, you have protection around your neck.

Ok, I thought we said that we were all gonna stick together?

We have been, and look where that got us!

If we give it to him we're as good as dead.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Neither do you, Lila.

Just because your mother dealt with this

doesn't mean you're gonna walk out of it, too.

You're gonna get us all killed.

Well, fine.

Then I'll just give it to him myself.

- Fine. - Fine.

Fine.

A bunch of chirping birds make for easy pickin's.

Two pretty sights in one.

Me gold and a girl who's fate is undone.

You want it?

It's yours.

Looks like your friends didn't agree with your plan.

They didn't want me to give it to you.

But if I didn't you'd just kill us.

Ok?

So it's yours, just- just take it and leave.

Very wise of you.

One, two, three...

Not so fast, lass.

With more gold I have more power.

Have a seat.

If you disturb me counting me gold.

I'll give you a beheading like times of old.

Or like a few hours ago, for that matter.

Turns out Matt's greatest achievement was a snuff film.

You're a monster.

Four, five, six...

I guess it's your time of the month.

I want me gold.

Now!

You'll find it in Bismarck, douche bag!

Ok, go!

What have you done?!

It's iron.

Let me out!

Ok, ok.

We are broken up!

Get over it!

So gross, so gross, so gross!

Ok.

Ok.

If you let me free I'll grant you a wish.

You can have anything you want.

I don't want anything from you.

Are you sure?

Do what he says, sweetheart.

Mom?

I told you, all of this is real.

You have to believe me, what I tell you.

And if you let him go you could wish me back.

These people aren't your friends.

You don't need them.

Not when you have me.

I love you, Lila.

I could really have my mom back?

Just set me free.

That's it.

I wish...

I wish you'd just die already.

One shamrock shake coming up.

I really wish someone heard that one.

Hey.

Hey, did it work?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it did.

So... now what?

Ok, ok.

Now we have to burn the rest of him,

because he said if you leave a piece of a leprechaun

you haven't killed a leprechaun

so we have to get rid of all of him.

Like a funeral pyre?

Yeah, I guess so.

We can get a fire started in the front yard

because I never wanna see that shitty lilliputian ever again.

No Rose, we don't wanna hear how fire releases carbon dioxide

into the air, ok?

Ok.

Fine.

I'll sweep him up.

Scream if anything happens.

What more could possibly happen?

Well, this has been the weirdest day of my life.

Yeah.

After everything I went through with my mother

I didn't think I'd have a weirder day.

Then again, I also never thought I'd have any friends.

You do have a hard time keeping them, though.

You're...

Oh, no?

Stupid leprechaun.

Are you kidding?

I'll never get a job at ICF now.

You missed a spot.

Oh, no!

Guess you're gonna foot the bill.

Not cool.

Stop, hammer time!

I'll give you geriatrics some hammer time.

I know something you don't nose.

Rose!

I spent last summer stopping poachers

from killing sea turtles in Costa Rica.

I can handle a bunch of pocket-sized pixies!

Rose?

No!

Guess she couldn't dig herself out of that one.

Wha...?

You know what really helps the environment?

Population control.

Please tell me you have a solution for this.

Um... uh, gold's-gold's a conductor, right?

Yeah, but they don't...

Yeah.

Yeah, it is!

Looks like I really pulled it together.

Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

Now give me me gold.

Well, you're the one who can't keep track of his gold.

Maybe you need to be more fiscally responsible.

Maybe you...

need to liquidate!

It's a little too little, a little too late.

The best you can hope for is a painful fate.

Hey, you minuscule monster.

It's time to cash out.

Oh, shite!

How is that for energy efficient?

We need to go!

Come on, come on!

How do we get out?

Are you shitting me?!

Eco fibre glass!

And they say there's no global warming.

Wait!

Dying in the basement is your best idea?

Ok, Katie, we are not going to die!

Hopefully!

Ok. Ok, come on.

Please don't leave me, Lila.

I've got a limerick for you.

Eat a dick, Ass Baggins.

Come on, come on!

Ow!

Oh my god.

Ow, I think it punctured my trapezius.

What?

It's ok, I'll be ok.

Ok, ok.

Um, come on, come on.

We gotta go.

Why are you doing that?

What?

You don't see...

See what?

See what?

Nothing. Nothing.

I don't see anything, either.

Thank you.

What the hell happened here?!

Are you girls ok?

Yeah.

We just learned that sometimes the best green footprint...

is no footprint.

Actually, we're probably gonna need a ride

'cause I'm losing a lot of blood, so...

Ok, yep.

Back's open.

Subtitles by explosiveskull