Original subtitles

**

Edwyn Huang, I need the TV, pronto!

Oh, okay.

No.

Is that grape jelly?

PB&J burrito. Want a bite?

What about beans, cheese, salsa?

All that stuff's in there, too, bro.

[ Groans ] Dear God. You're a monster.

[ Chuckles lightly ] I need the TV.

My ass ain't moving.

Every day after school, I make a bomb-ass snack and watch MTV.

In other words, wasting time.

Whoa! It's not a waste!

I learned everything I know from these videos.

I didn't have a handsome, jacked older brother

to teach me how to be cool.

I had MTV. No, thanks.

My letters of choice --

ah "P," ah "B," ah "S" --

ah PBS!

[ Groans ] Can you just stop being a nerd for one second?

Come on. Dude, this is both music and a movie.

It's double art.

Hits you in your eyeballs

and your ear...balls.

I prefer imagination -- theater of the mind.

Fine. [ Pats ] Close your eyes, then.

Hm.

[ Sighs ]

* Take that, ha, ha! *

[ Rapping ] * Recently...frontin', ain't sayin' nothin' *

* So I just speak my piece

* Come on * Keep my peace

* Cubans with the Jesus piece

* Thank you * With my peeps

* Packin', askin', "Who want it?" *

* You got it, flaunt it

* That Brooklyn..., we on it *

[ Rapping ] * Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can't you see? *

* Sometimes your words just hypnotize me *

* And I just love your flashy ways *

* Guess that's why they broke and you're so paid *

* Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can't you see? * * Uh-huh *

Sorry. Didn't grip my soul.

Nor my toe. Nor my head.

Are we done?

[ Exhales sharply ] Nobody in this house gets me.

Needs more tuna.

-- Captions by VITAC --

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey, now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

[ Sighs ] Come on. I really need the TV.

Sicily is on her way over.

Ooh.

[ Sultry voice ] Young lova's got a girlfriend.

Please don't talk in that voice.

Need some tips from your big bro?

Lova' tips for your girlfriend?

You're the last person I'd go to for advice.

You're so annoying.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Rap music plays on TV ]

[ Remote clicks ] Man: Native to south central Arizona...

[ Normal voice ] Nice!

Put on the most boring thing

so she'll want to smooch ya.

Zack is coming over, too!

Wait. So no making out?

The three of you are just gonna watch bird TV?

Yes. We're birders. We bird.

Dude, you're going to high school soon.

This bird crap...

Isn't gonna fly.

...is gonna get you killed.

Ed, in a few days, a rare migration

of the red-legged snail kites is flying through town,

and if we're not prepped for the chase,

I'd prefer death.

Every time I think you've reached peak nerd,

you go and find another nerd mountain to climb.

Well, lucky for both of us

you're leaving soon on your cultural exchange trip.

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't go.

I'm afraid what might happen to you if I'm not here.

I might come back to some weird...half-man/half-book.

[ Gasps ] My necktie could be my bookmark.

I could cite myself as a source!

No, I didn't mean it as a good -- Oh, my God.

I could finally spend the night at the library!

[ Sighs ]

**

Hola.

Ma, what are you wearing?

A serape.

Pure alpaca.

Alpaca?Internet boyfriend?

Osvaldo, an alpaca farmer in Chile.

We e-mailed.

He needed money to build a new fence.

Ma, you're not sending him money, are you?

You can't put a price on this feeling.

I feel so alive!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ] Oh, Osvaldo...

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]

It's not funny. She's clearly getting scammed.

I'm not surprised.

She's gullible! The whole side of your family is.

The Huangs are not gullible.

What about when your brother tried to buy

those "special" beans?

Or when you thought you could sit "reverse potty"?

Or when you thought that rock made your armpits smell good?

The natural deodorant crystal I'm still using?

Gullible.

I was afraid the boys would inherit it.

Being gullible is not genetic.

Yes, it is.

If your ring finger is the same length

as your middle finger, it means you're gullible.

Is that true?

Oh, ha ha. Nice try.

The point is, my mom's being taken,

and I've got to shut it down.

Brutal honesty -- that's the best way.

Just tell her.

You saw Ma. She was so happy.

She'd be crushed if she knew it was all fake.

People who fall for scams deserve to feel humiliated.

That's how they learn.

If you don't tell her, I will.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sniffs ]

Oh. I need some more crystal.

Oh, hey.

You want my banana costume?

It'd be a shame to just let it sit here for a month.

And neglect my own fruit costumes? [ Scoffs ]

Can you take my friends and me to the mall?

Look who suddenly wants to hang out

with their annoying older brother.

[ Sighs ] Just get to it.

What do I have to do -- drink sour milk,

eat a toenail, lick your booger wall?

Nah. I'll take you. I want to shop for a subwoofer.

Plus, I can teach you the cool way to mall-hang.

First, we enter through the back-alley service entrance,

pop some Bubble Tape, read some boobie graffiti --

We just need to pick up some bird gear and clothes

for the big day.

Like... a cool pair of jeans?

Like some sun hats, sketch pads,

and a few waist satchels to carry our lip balm.

Now, please don't embarrass me.

You're going to the mall to buy fanny packs for birding,

and you're worried about me?

Just please --

don't lock the windows, fart, and crank the heat.

How dare you.

I would never crank the heat.

AC preserves the fart.

**

[ To "Row Row Row Your Boat" ] * Roll, roll, roll your paint

* Gently down the wall

[ Door opens ] * Carefully, carefully, carefully, carefully *

* Don't drip it in the hall

You're painting now?

I've been asking you to do that for years.

Boy, you were right. It needed it.

Sucker's really drinking it up. May need four coats.

Why'd you paint "gullible" on the ceiling?

Huh?

I did not look. I'm not gullible.

Yes, you are!

But I'm not, and I'm not falling for this charade.

You're delaying breaking the news to your mom.

Where are you going with your bank pig?

I'm giving my money to Grandma so she can help out her friend.

Emery, you can't do that. Listen --

You know how I've been searching for my thing --

volleyball, line dancing, flight attendant?

Well, this is it -- helping people.

Philanthropy is my passion.

[ Coins jingling ]

[ Door opens ] Hm.

We can't tell Grandma.

Oh, I thought "brutal honesty" was the best policy.

Well, that was when it was about fake Latin lovers.

This is about our son's personal fulfillment.

I am just glad you're on board.

Now, let's ruin this scam artist.

After you tape off the moldings.

Just because you're fake-painting

doesn't mean you can do a sloppy job.

Okay, guys, favorite plover.

Favorite plover?

I need a break from this nerd talk.

You guys ever heard of...

"Enter the Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers"?

Or was that before you were born?

Oh, no. Here he goes.

I remember the first time I heard it.

I was 9. It was Christmas morning.

Santa brought it?

[ Scoffs ] Please!

Wu-Tang would melt Santa's face.

I caught "Protect Ya Neck" on MTV.

That music video changed my life.

It's not music. It's just talking.

Method Man, ODB, RZA, Ghostface, Raekwon,

spitting about Shaolin, killer bees...

chess!

[ Both gasp ]

How did you learn all this?

Oh, from sup-dawg.

What's sup-dawg?

I don't know. What's up with you, dawg?

[ Zack laughs ]

Here we go.

Wu-Tang is for the children.

[ Rapping ] * Hey, you, get off my cloud *

* You don't know me, and you don't know my style *

* Who be gettin' flam when they come to a jam? *

* Here I am, here I am *

* The Method Man *

[ Music continues ]

And then we head over to the food court for some free samples

and hover over the hot dog stand like a ghetto bird.

A helicopter.

Okay. We'll navigate the mall

like civilized consumers, thank you.

Suit yourself. Peace out, homies.

[ Burps ]

[ Groans ]

What's a homie?

I don't know.

[ Car door closes ]

I'm sorry, guys. He can be...a lot.

Well, he seems to know how to get around the mall.

Never hurts to try a different route.

You're going with Eddie?

[ Vehicle door opens ] Do you know what happens

when a peanut goes down a different route?

Choke city! Do you want that?!

And boom! We enter like ballers.

You're so lucky to have an older brother, Evan.

You hear that, Evan?

Well, I know you have some important shopping to get to.

I'm in the market for a subwoofer.

Really? I've been thinking about getting a woof-woof myself.

[ Deeper voice ] You know what I'm sayin', homie?

Hey, why don't we all go together?

Because Eddie's route goes through

the cover-your-eyes part of the mall --

Victoria's Secret, Spencer's Gifts,

and the rest of the risqué.

Diesel Jeans is over there.

It's not risqué. It's just Italian men stuff.

More like dungarees for fancy farmers.

Right, guys?

I don't know. Seems durable.

Guys, we're here for birding supplies.

Relax, Evan. Your friends just want to be cool.

**

Louis: I got it!

You and I fly to Chile,

pose as FBI agents,

and threaten Osvaldo with global fraud.

I call it Operation Chile Explosion.

I'm still brainstorming the name.

You need more brain and less storm.

Louis, this isn't some criminal mastermind in Chile.

This is a fatso in Des Moines,

sitting in front of a computer, gobbling marshmallows.

Oh, I don't know why we have to be size-ist about this,

but sure, let's go to Iowa.

Or we just write him an e-mail and scare him off.

Oh, what, just magically hack into my mom's account

and get his info?

I already guessed her password.

It's 1-1-1-1.

You're right. She's a genius.

**

Look, I appreciate you guys humoring Eddie,

but please don't do it on my behalf.

It only encourages him.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, he's the best.

That guy?

[ Spritzing ]

[ Both laugh ]

[ Sicily and Zack laughing ]

[ Skee-Lo's "I Wish" plays ]

[ Rapping ] * Hello?

* I wish I was a little bit taller *

* I wish I was a baller

* I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her *

* I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat *

* And a six-four Impala

* I wish I was a little bit taller *

* I wish I was a baller

* I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her *

* I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat *

* And a six-four Impala

* I wish I had a brand-new car

* So far, I got this hatchback

* And everywhere I go, yo, I gets laughed at *

**

[ Mugs clink ] Adiós, Osvaldo.

Here's to no more innocent victims being scammed.

His response was so pathetic --

[Mockingly] "Please, no jail.

I'm crying in fear. My family is innocent."

That was smart threatening to cut off his hands.

Computer guys and their hands.

Mm. [ Door opens ]

Honey: Hey!

[ Door closes ]

Is that... made from alpaca fur?

Yep. [ Chuckles ]

An Osvaldo special.

He sent it as a thank-you.

I speak Spanish, so I helped your mom correspond with him.

Boy, did they.

I don't think you want me to write that.

That means you want him to touch your...

Type-y type-y.

Ew.That's my mother.

Osvaldo's no choirboy, either.

Honey, you know this is all an Internet scam, right?

This sex machine Osvaldo -- he isn't real.

Yeah, he was just stringing my mom along

so she'd send him money.

But he gave it back.

I saw the check. He sent it with our gifts.

Osvaldo is real?

**

Z and Sicily, in the place to be.

That was a freestyle.

Evan's just getting ready, but you're welcome to join me.

Sure. What'cha watchin', E-man?

Uh, this is a commercial for tomatoes.

Dope.

But "Yo! MTV Raps" is what's on.

Oh. Maybe we can catch Wu-Tang!

Evan: [ Clears throat ]

Who's all ready to bird?

What are you wearing?

[ Creaking ]

Oh. These?

My birding jeans.

Or my B.J.s.

I've never seen you wear jeans.

These are carpenter cut.

Got a loop here -- for my...hammer.

You don't have a hammer.

[ Both laugh ]

If you wanted fashion advice,

should've just come to your big bro.

Well, the saleswoman, Gita,

says these are the style right now.

**

Little stiff.

Just needs a bit of breaking in, a wash or two.

Ready?

Hey, Eddie, you should come with us.

It'll be fun.

We could listen to one of your mixes on the way there.

I just finished a sick one for Taiwan.

It's gonna blow your minds.

You're coming? Bird watching?

Yeah. Why not? I'm great at I Spy.

I spy...

the top button of your jeans popping.

[ Laughter ] Don't you have better things to do?

Like sitting, eating, more sitting?

You mean like the things that kings do?

Let's bird.

**

[ Sighs ]

**

No sign of a snail kite yet.

No, but I finished

the black-whiskered vireo I've been watching.

Oh, "bird"? I thought we were nerd watching.

I've been drawing Zack.

**

[ Laughs ]

I love it when you bust my yams, E.

Can you guys quiet down the love-fest over there?

We don't want to scare the red-legged snail kite.

Did you ever notice that every bird's

just a body part and a color?

"There's a purple-butt flapper."

[ Laughs ] Um, "The rainbow-nut pheasant."

[ Sicily and Zack laugh ]

That's enough!

[ Sketch pad thuds ]

The red-faced lil' bro.

You know what you call a bird

that hangs out with birds three years its junior?

A loser!

Oh, you don't like that bird?

Well, I got two more for you right here!

[ Shouting ] Yeeaaaaah!

[ Wings flapping, birds chirping ]

I'm a loser? If you have to ask "Who's the loser?",

it usually means it's you.

Coming from bird boy, that's rich.

You're always trying to give me "hot tips" on how to be cool.

Well, here's one for you --

instead of stealing your little brother's friends,

find some your own age.

[ Scoffs ]

Well, I'm sorry for wanting to hang out with you.

And FYI, those are women's jeans.

No, they're Jordans!

Jordache.

**

I got it!

So, we may have ruined

my mom's shot at love with her pen pal,

but she's never seen this guy, right?

Not with her eyes.

But the way he describes his body in these e-mails...

[ Inhales deeply ] The man can paint a picture.

Okay, hear me out.

We hire someone to act as Osvaldo

and sweetly break up with her.

There's a bagger at the Piggly Wiggly from El Salvador.

No, we have to tell her the truth, like I wanted to

from the beginn-- Tell who the truth?

Louis... [ Sighs ]

I need to talk the talk if I'm gonna walk the walk.

I don't think this is a good idea.

It's time. Brutal honesty.

Emery.

Please don't do this.

You see, we thought

Grandma's friend in South America was --

Was a scam. I know.

I wasn't really gonna give her my money.

Then why did you say you were?

Dad told me to.

Well, what about finding your passion?

That part was true. I did.

But it's not helping people.

It's acting!

You totally believed me.

[ Scoffs ]

You turned our son into an actor!

Flight attendant feels like an attorney compared to this!

I was just trying to protect my mom.

Well, who's gonna protect you?

I can't believe you scammed me!

Well, people who are gullible enough to fall for scams

deserve what they get.

That's how they learn.

Well, nice scam, Louis.

You didn't even take my money.

Amateur.

**

[ Rap music plays on TV ]

Hey, Eddie. Mind if I watch, too?

[ Sighs ]

Just take my spot. I'm gonna go pack for the trip.

Hey, in a few days,

you'll get a nice break from your loser brother.

[ Music continues ]

Whoa.

Eddie never yields his spot on the couch

when his show's on.

He's mad at me.

I messed up,

and I don't know how to get through to him.

This sucks.

[ TLC's "Waterfalls" plays ]

What song is this?

It's nice.

I kinda like it.

**

* Don't go chasing waterfalls *

* Please stick to the rivers and the lakes *

* That you're used to *

* I know that you're gonna have it your way *

* Or nothing at all *

* But I think you're moving too fast *

**

Come on!

[ Rapping ] * I seen a rainbow yesterday *

* But too many storms have come and gone *

* Leaving a trace of not one God-given ray *

* Is it because my life is 10 shades of gray? *

* I pray all 10 fade away *

* Seldom praise Him for the sunny days *

* And like His promise is true, only my faith can undo *

* The many chances I blew to bring my life to anew *

* Clear and blue and unconditional skies *

* Have dried the tears from my eyes *

* No more lonely cries *

I know how to get through to him.

I get Eddie!

* ...waterfalls *

**

I, uh, thought I'd make a big dinner

to try and make up for everything.

How do I know that's true?

Maybe you cooked it to eat all yourself.

It's a 20-pound turkey.

Is it? Or are you trying to scam me with a giant chicken?

Where's Evan? He knows birds.

There you go again -- using one of our sons

to help you spin your lies.

I'll admit, if I had been honest with my mom from the beginning --

Emery wouldn't want to be an actor.

Well, that, and I wouldn't have hurt you --

or ruined her relationship with Osvaldo.

You did what?

[ Sighs ]

Ma, we thought he was scamming you for your money.

I was scamming him for free alpaca gear.

I already flipped his gift

for three times of what I sent him.

What? [ Scoffs ]

But I thought you said Osvaldo made you feel so alive.

Yeah.

Tricking morons is a rush.

I've got a bunch of scams going.

That's why I love Florida.

So many old idiots.

[ Chuckles ]

**

Maybe you Huangs aren't so gullible after all.

That's right. We're crafty. [ Chuckles ]

Now let's eat.

I can pig out as much as I want

since I bought this Digestion Accelerator Band.

The arrows let you know it's facing the right direction.

* Poppa and Puff *

* Close like Starsky and Hutch, stick the clutch *

* Dare I squeeze three... *

Why are you listening to this?

[ Click, music stops ]

I'm using it to get you in here.

Like a bird call.

An Eddie call.

You mean like a mating call?

Ew! Come on!

I'm trying to tell you I finally understand

why you like these music videos.

I watched "Waterfalls," and it spoke to me.

I totally related to it --

how we should be comfortable with who we are

and not chase something we're not.

That song's about HIV.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry I called you a loser.

I wish I could be like you --

fun, relaxed, instantly likeable.

But I can't.

You can be smart when you choose to,

but I can never be cool.

Doesn't work that way.

I thought that, too.

But...after hanging out with you,

I realized you're already cool.

I am?

Yeah!

Anybody with enough swagger

to convince their friends to go bird watching

is doing just fine.

Please. I can't take the credit.

The birds are the real draw.

And, hey, I wasn't trying to hog your friends.

I just wanted to spend time with you before I leave.

You're only going for a few weeks.

I mean leave leave -- like, to college.

For a year, and then on to the NBA,

and then to run my own pizza empire.

Pizza?

Yeah. Hot dogs have too much baggage.

You know, with the whole made-out-of-pig-butts stuff.

How did we get here?

Anyway, you don't need my help.

You'll be just fine when I'm gone.

Thanks, Eddie.

Told ya you could be smart when you want to.

Maybe I'm not the only Bibliosapien in the family.

Half-man/half-book.

Wait. Which half of me is book?

I-I still have my, uh...

[ Bass thumping ] The woofer's rattling my chest!

Hell yeah, it is!

Eddie, what have you done to our van?

If your music breaks the car, you're buying us a new one.

Come on, guys. Give it a chance.

[ The Beastie Boys' "So What'cha Want" plays ]

**

[ Rapping ] * Well, just plug me in just like I was Eddie Harris *

* You're eatin' crazy cheese *

* Like you would think I'm from Paris *

* You know I get fly, you think I get high *

* You know that I'm gone, and I'm-a tell you all why *

[ Rapping ] * So, tell me, who are you dissin'? *

* Maybe I'm missin' *

* The reason that you're smilin' or wilin', so listen *

* In my head, I just wanna take 'em down *

* Imagination set loose, and I'm gonna shake 'em down *

[ Rapping ] * Let it flow like a mudslide *

* When I get on, I like to ride and glide *

* I've got depth of perception in my text, y'all *

* I get props at my mention 'cause I vex, y'all *

* So what'cha, what'cha, what'cha want? *

* What'cha want? *

* I get so funny with my money *

* That you flaunt * * You flaunt *

* I said, "Where'd you get your information from, huh?" *

* You think that you can front when revelation comes? *

* Yeah, you can't -- *

Think that's a good idea.

Hmm.

**

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