All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat s05e20 Nerd Watching.eng

**

Edwyn Huang,
I need the TV, pronto!

Oh, okay.

No.

Is that grape jelly?

PB&J burrito.
Want a bite?

What about beans,
cheese, salsa?

All that stuff's
in there, too, bro.

[ Groans ] Dear God.
You're a monster.

[ Chuckles lightly ]
I need the TV.

My ass ain't moving.

Every day after school, I make
a bomb-ass snack and watch MTV.

In other words,
wasting time.

Whoa!
It's not a waste!

I learned everything I know
from these videos.

I didn't have a handsome,
jacked older brother

to teach me
how to be cool.

I had MTV.
No, thanks.

My letters of choice --

ah "P,"
ah "B," ah "S" --

ah PBS!

[ Groans ] Can you just stop
being a nerd for one second?

Come on. Dude, this is
both music and a movie.

It's double art.

Hits you in your eyeballs

and your ear...balls.

I prefer imagination --
theater of the mind.

Fine. [ Pats ]
Close your eyes, then.

Hm.

[ Sighs ]

* Take that, ha, ha! *

[ Rapping ]
* Recently...frontin', ain't sayin' nothin' *

* So I just speak my piece

* Come on
* Keep my peace

* Cubans with the Jesus piece

* Thank you
* With my peeps

* Packin',
askin', "Who want it?" *

* You got it, flaunt it

* That Brooklyn...,
we on it *

[ Rapping ]
* Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can't you see? *

* Sometimes your words
just hypnotize me *

* And I just love
your flashy ways *

* Guess that's why they broke
and you're so paid *

* Biggie, Biggie, Biggie,
can't you see? * * Uh-huh *

Sorry.
Didn't grip my soul.

Nor my toe.
Nor my head.

Are we done?

[ Exhales sharply ]
Nobody in this house gets me.

Needs more tuna.

-- Captions by VITAC --

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

[ Sighs ] Come on.
I really need the TV.

Sicily is
on her way over.

Ooh.

[ Sultry voice ]
Young lova's got a girlfriend.

Please don't talk
in that voice.

Need some tips
from your big bro?

Lova' tips
for your girlfriend?

You're the last person
I'd go to for advice.

You're so annoying.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Rap music plays on TV ]

[ Remote clicks ]
Man: Native to south central Arizona...

[ Normal voice ] Nice!

Put on
the most boring thing

so she'll want
to smooch ya.

Zack is coming over,
too!

Wait.
So no making out?

The three of you are
just gonna watch bird TV?

Yes. We're birders.
We bird.

Dude, you're going
to high school soon.

This bird crap...

Isn't gonna fly.

...is gonna
get you killed.

Ed, in a few days,
a rare migration

of the red-legged snail kites
is flying through town,

and if we're not prepped
for the chase,

I'd prefer death.

Every time I think
you've reached peak nerd,

you go and find
another nerd mountain to climb.

Well,
lucky for both of us

you're leaving soon
on your cultural exchange trip.

I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't go.

I'm afraid what might
happen to you if I'm not here.

I might come back to
some weird...half-man/half-book.

[ Gasps ] My necktie
could be my bookmark.

I could cite myself
as a source!

No, I didn't mean it
as a good -- Oh, my God.

I could finally spend the night
at the library!

[ Sighs ]

**

Hola.

Ma, what are you
wearing?

A serape.

Pure alpaca.

Alpaca?Internet boyfriend?

Osvaldo,
an alpaca farmer in Chile.

We e-mailed.

He needed money
to build a new fence.

Ma, you're not sending him
money, are you?

You can't put a price
on this feeling.

I feel so alive!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]
Oh, Osvaldo...

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]

It's not funny.
She's clearly getting scammed.

I'm not surprised.

She's gullible! The whole side
of your family is.

The Huangs
are not gullible.

What about
when your brother tried to buy

those "special" beans?

Or when you thought
you could sit "reverse potty"?

Or when you thought that rock
made your armpits smell good?

The natural deodorant crystal
I'm still using?

Gullible.

I was afraid
the boys would inherit it.

Being gullible
is not genetic.

Yes, it is.

If your ring finger
is the same length

as your middle finger,
it means you're gullible.

Is that true?

Oh, ha ha.
Nice try.

The point is,
my mom's being taken,

and I've got to
shut it down.

Brutal honesty --
that's the best way.

Just tell her.

You saw Ma.
She was so happy.

She'd be crushed
if she knew it was all fake.

People who fall for scams
deserve to feel humiliated.

That's how they learn.

If you don't tell her,
I will.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sniffs ]

Oh. I need
some more crystal.

Oh, hey.

You want
my banana costume?

It'd be a shame to just
let it sit here for a month.

And neglect
my own fruit costumes? [ Scoffs ]

Can you take my friends and me
to the mall?

Look who suddenly
wants to hang out

with their annoying
older brother.

[ Sighs ]
Just get to it.

What do I have to do --
drink sour milk,

eat a toenail,
lick your booger wall?

Nah. I'll take you.
I want to shop for a subwoofer.

Plus, I can teach you
the cool way to mall-hang.

First, we enter through
the back-alley service entrance,

pop some Bubble Tape,
read some boobie graffiti --

We just need to pick up
some bird gear and clothes

for the big day.

Like...
a cool pair of jeans?

Like some sun hats,
sketch pads,

and a few waist satchels
to carry our lip balm.

Now, please
don't embarrass me.

You're going to the mall
to buy fanny packs for birding,

and you're worried
about me?

Just please --

don't lock the windows, fart,
and crank the heat.

How dare you.

I would never
crank the heat.

AC preserves the fart.

**

[ To "Row Row Row Your Boat" ]
* Roll, roll, roll your paint

* Gently down the wall

[ Door opens ]
* Carefully, carefully, carefully, carefully *

* Don't drip it in the hall

You're painting now?

I've been asking you
to do that for years.

Boy, you were right.
It needed it.

Sucker's really drinking it up.
May need four coats.

Why'd you paint "gullible"
on the ceiling?

Huh?

I did not look.
I'm not gullible.

Yes, you are!

But I'm not, and I'm not
falling for this charade.

You're delaying
breaking the news to your mom.

Where are you going
with your bank pig?

I'm giving my money to Grandma
so she can help out her friend.

Emery, you can't do that.
Listen --

You know how I've been
searching for my thing --

volleyball, line dancing,
flight attendant?

Well, this is it --
helping people.

Philanthropy
is my passion.

[ Coins jingling ]

[ Door opens ]
Hm.

We can't tell Grandma.

Oh, I thought "brutal honesty"
was the best policy.

Well, that was when it was
about fake Latin lovers.

This is about
our son's personal fulfillment.

I am just glad
you're on board.

Now, let's ruin
this scam artist.

After you tape off
the moldings.

Just because
you're fake-painting

doesn't mean
you can do a sloppy job.

Okay, guys,
favorite plover.

Favorite plover?

I need a break
from this nerd talk.

You guys
ever heard of...

"Enter the Wu-Tang:
36 Chambers"?

Or was that
before you were born?

Oh, no.
Here he goes.

I remember the first time
I heard it.

I was 9.
It was Christmas morning.

Santa brought it?

[ Scoffs ] Please!

Wu-Tang would melt
Santa's face.

I caught "Protect Ya Neck"
on MTV.

That music video
changed my life.

It's not music.
It's just talking.

Method Man, ODB,
RZA, Ghostface, Raekwon,

spitting about Shaolin,
killer bees...

chess!

[ Both gasp ]

How did you learn
all this?

Oh, from sup-dawg.

What's sup-dawg?

I don't know.
What's up with you, dawg?

[ Zack laughs ]

Here we go.

Wu-Tang is
for the children.

[ Rapping ]
* Hey, you, get off my cloud *

* You don't know me,
and you don't know my style *

* Who be gettin' flam
when they come to a jam? *

* Here I am, here I am *

* The Method Man *

[ Music continues ]

And then we head over
to the food court for some free samples

and hover over the hot dog stand
like a ghetto bird.

A helicopter.

Okay.
We'll navigate the mall

like civilized consumers,
thank you.

Suit yourself.
Peace out, homies.

[ Burps ]

[ Groans ]

What's a homie?

I don't know.

[ Car door closes ]

I'm sorry, guys.
He can be...a lot.

Well, he seems to know
how to get around the mall.

Never hurts
to try a different route.

You're going with Eddie?

[ Vehicle door opens ]
Do you know what happens

when a peanut goes down
a different route?

Choke city!
Do you want that?!

And boom!
We enter like ballers.

You're so lucky to have
an older brother, Evan.

You hear that, Evan?

Well, I know you have some
important shopping to get to.

I'm in the market
for a subwoofer.

Really? I've been thinking about
getting a woof-woof myself.

[ Deeper voice ]
You know what I'm sayin', homie?

Hey, why don't we all
go together?

Because Eddie's route
goes through

the cover-your-eyes part
of the mall --

Victoria's Secret,
Spencer's Gifts,

and the rest
of the risqué.

Diesel Jeans
is over there.

It's not risqué.
It's just Italian men stuff.

More like dungarees
for fancy farmers.

Right, guys?

I don't know.
Seems durable.

Guys, we're here
for birding supplies.

Relax, Evan. Your friends
just want to be cool.

**

Louis: I got it!

You and I fly to Chile,

pose as FBI agents,

and threaten Osvaldo
with global fraud.

I call it
Operation Chile Explosion.

I'm still brainstorming
the name.

You need more brain
and less storm.

Louis, this isn't some
criminal mastermind in Chile.

This is a fatso
in Des Moines,

sitting in front of a computer,
gobbling marshmallows.

Oh, I don't know why we have to
be size-ist about this,

but sure,
let's go to Iowa.

Or we just write him an e-mail
and scare him off.

Oh, what, just magically
hack into my mom's account

and get his info?

I already guessed
her password.

It's 1-1-1-1.

You're right.
She's a genius.

**

Look, I appreciate you guys
humoring Eddie,

but please don't do it
on my behalf.

It only encourages him.

What are you
talking about?

Yeah, he's the best.

That guy?

[ Spritzing ]

[ Both laugh ]

[ Sicily and Zack laughing ]

[ Skee-Lo's "I Wish" plays ]

[ Rapping ] * Hello?

* I wish I was
a little bit taller *

* I wish I was a baller

* I wish I had a girl who looked
good, I would call her *

* I wish I had a rabbit in a hat
with a bat *

* And a six-four Impala

* I wish I was
a little bit taller *

* I wish I was a baller

* I wish I had a girl who looked
good, I would call her *

* I wish I had a rabbit in a hat
with a bat *

* And a six-four Impala

* I wish I had a brand-new car

* So far, I got this hatchback

* And everywhere I go,
yo, I gets laughed at *

**

[ Mugs clink ]
Adiós, Osvaldo.

Here's to no more
innocent victims being scammed.

His response
was so pathetic --

[Mockingly]
"Please, no jail.

I'm crying in fear.
My family is innocent."

That was smart threatening
to cut off his hands.

Computer guys
and their hands.

Mm.
[ Door opens ]

Honey: Hey!

[ Door closes ]

Is that...
made from alpaca fur?

Yep. [ Chuckles ]

An Osvaldo special.

He sent it
as a thank-you.

I speak Spanish, so I helped
your mom correspond with him.

Boy, did they.

I don't think
you want me to write that.

That means you want him
to touch your...

Type-y type-y.

Ew.That's my mother.

Osvaldo's no choirboy,
either.

Honey, you know this is all
an Internet scam, right?

This sex machine Osvaldo --
he isn't real.

Yeah, he was just
stringing my mom along

so she'd send him money.

But he gave it back.

I saw the check.
He sent it with our gifts.

Osvaldo is real?

**

Z and Sicily,
in the place to be.

That was a freestyle.

Evan's just getting ready,
but you're welcome to join me.

Sure.
What'cha watchin', E-man?

Uh, this is a commercial
for tomatoes.

Dope.

But "Yo! MTV Raps"
is what's on.

Oh. Maybe we can
catch Wu-Tang!

Evan:
[ Clears throat ]

Who's all ready to bird?

What are you wearing?

[ Creaking ]

Oh. These?

My birding jeans.

Or my B.J.s.

I've never seen you
wear jeans.

These are
carpenter cut.

Got a loop here --
for my...hammer.

You don't have a hammer.

[ Both laugh ]

If you wanted
fashion advice,

should've just come
to your big bro.

Well, the saleswoman,
Gita,

says these are the style
right now.

**

Little stiff.

Just needs a bit of breaking in,
a wash or two.

Ready?

Hey, Eddie,
you should come with us.

It'll be fun.

We could listen to one of
your mixes on the way there.

I just finished a sick one
for Taiwan.

It's gonna
blow your minds.

You're coming?
Bird watching?

Yeah. Why not?
I'm great at I Spy.

I spy...

the top button
of your jeans popping.

[ Laughter ]
Don't you have better things to do?

Like sitting, eating,
more sitting?

You mean like
the things that kings do?

Let's bird.

**

[ Sighs ]

**

No sign
of a snail kite yet.

No,
but I finished

the black-whiskered vireo
I've been watching.

Oh, "bird"? I thought
we were nerd watching.

I've been drawing Zack.

**

[ Laughs ]

I love it
when you bust my yams, E.

Can you guys quiet down
the love-fest over there?

We don't want to scare
the red-legged snail kite.

Did you ever notice
that every bird's

just a body part
and a color?

"There's
a purple-butt flapper."

[ Laughs ]
Um, "The rainbow-nut pheasant."

[ Sicily and Zack laugh ]

That's enough!

[ Sketch pad thuds ]

The red-faced lil' bro.

You know
what you call a bird

that hangs out with birds
three years its junior?

A loser!

Oh, you don't like
that bird?

Well, I got two more for you
right here!

[ Shouting ]
Yeeaaaaah!

[ Wings flapping,
birds chirping ]

I'm a loser?
If you have to ask "Who's the loser?",

it usually means
it's you.

Coming from bird boy,
that's rich.

You're always trying to give me
"hot tips" on how to be cool.

Well,
here's one for you --

instead of stealing
your little brother's friends,

find some your own age.

[ Scoffs ]

Well, I'm sorry for wanting
to hang out with you.

And FYI,
those are women's jeans.

No, they're Jordans!

Jordache.

**

I got it!

So, we may have ruined

my mom's shot at love
with her pen pal,

but she's never
seen this guy, right?

Not with her eyes.

But the way he describes
his body in these e-mails...

[ Inhales deeply ]
The man can paint a picture.

Okay, hear me out.

We hire someone
to act as Osvaldo

and sweetly
break up with her.

There's a bagger
at the Piggly Wiggly from El Salvador.

No, we have to tell her
the truth, like I wanted to

from the beginn--
Tell who the truth?

Louis...
[ Sighs ]

I need to talk the talk
if I'm gonna walk the walk.

I don't think
this is a good idea.

It's time.
Brutal honesty.

Emery.

Please don't do this.

You see, we thought

Grandma's friend
in South America was --

Was a scam. I know.

I wasn't really
gonna give her my money.

Then why did you say
you were?

Dad told me to.

Well, what about
finding your passion?

That part was true.
I did.

But it's not
helping people.

It's acting!

You totally believed me.

[ Scoffs ]

You turned our son
into an actor!

Flight attendant feels like
an attorney compared to this!

I was just trying
to protect my mom.

Well, who's gonna
protect you?

I can't believe
you scammed me!

Well, people who are gullible
enough to fall for scams

deserve what they get.

That's how they learn.

Well, nice scam, Louis.

You didn't even
take my money.

Amateur.

**

[ Rap music plays on TV ]

Hey, Eddie.
Mind if I watch, too?

[ Sighs ]

Just take my spot.
I'm gonna go pack for the trip.

Hey, in a few days,

you'll get a nice break
from your loser brother.

[ Music continues ]

Whoa.

Eddie never yields
his spot on the couch

when his show's on.

He's mad at me.

I messed up,

and I don't know
how to get through to him.

This sucks.

[ TLC's "Waterfalls" plays ]

What song is this?

It's nice.

I kinda like it.

**

* Don't go chasing waterfalls *

* Please stick to
the rivers and the lakes *

* That you're used to *

* I know that you're gonna
have it your way *

* Or nothing at all *

* But I think
you're moving too fast *

**

Come on!

[ Rapping ]
* I seen a rainbow yesterday *

* But too many storms
have come and gone *

* Leaving a trace
of not one God-given ray *

* Is it because my life
is 10 shades of gray? *

* I pray
all 10 fade away *

* Seldom praise Him
for the sunny days *

* And like His promise is true,
only my faith can undo *

* The many chances I blew
to bring my life to anew *

* Clear and blue
and unconditional skies *

* Have dried the tears
from my eyes *

* No more lonely cries *

I know how
to get through to him.

I get Eddie!

* ...waterfalls *

**

I, uh, thought
I'd make a big dinner

to try and make up
for everything.

How do I know
that's true?

Maybe you cooked it
to eat all yourself.

It's a 20-pound turkey.

Is it? Or are you trying
to scam me with a giant chicken?

Where's Evan?
He knows birds.

There you go again --
using one of our sons

to help you
spin your lies.

I'll admit, if I had
been honest with my mom from the beginning --

Emery wouldn't want
to be an actor.

Well, that, and I wouldn't
have hurt you --

or ruined her relationship
with Osvaldo.

You did what?

[ Sighs ]

Ma, we thought he was
scamming you for your money.

I was scamming him
for free alpaca gear.

I already
flipped his gift

for three times
of what I sent him.

What? [ Scoffs ]

But I thought you said
Osvaldo made you feel so alive.

Yeah.

Tricking morons
is a rush.

I've got
a bunch of scams going.

That's why I love Florida.

So many old idiots.

[ Chuckles ]

**

Maybe you Huangs aren't
so gullible after all.

That's right. We're crafty.
[ Chuckles ]

Now let's eat.

I can pig out
as much as I want

since I bought this
Digestion Accelerator Band.

The arrows let you know
it's facing the right direction.

* Poppa and Puff *

* Close like Starsky and Hutch,
stick the clutch *

* Dare I squeeze three... *

Why are you
listening to this?

[ Click, music stops ]

I'm using it
to get you in here.

Like a bird call.

An Eddie call.

You mean like
a mating call?

Ew! Come on!

I'm trying to tell you
I finally understand

why you like
these music videos.

I watched "Waterfalls,"
and it spoke to me.

I totally
related to it --

how we should be comfortable
with who we are

and not chase
something we're not.

That song's about HIV.

Oh.
Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry
I called you a loser.

I wish I could be
like you --

fun, relaxed,
instantly likeable.

But I can't.

You can be smart
when you choose to,

but I can never be cool.

Doesn't work that way.

I thought that, too.

But...after hanging out
with you,

I realized
you're already cool.

I am?

Yeah!

Anybody
with enough swagger

to convince their friends
to go bird watching

is doing just fine.

Please. I can't
take the credit.

The birds are
the real draw.

And, hey, I wasn't trying
to hog your friends.

I just wanted to spend time
with you before I leave.

You're only going
for a few weeks.

I mean leave leave --
like, to college.

For a year,
and then on to the NBA,

and then to run
my own pizza empire.

Pizza?

Yeah. Hot dogs
have too much baggage.

You know, with the whole
made-out-of-pig-butts stuff.

How did we get here?

Anyway,
you don't need my help.

You'll be just fine
when I'm gone.

Thanks, Eddie.

Told ya you could be smart
when you want to.

Maybe I'm not the only
Bibliosapien in the family.

Half-man/half-book.

Wait.
Which half of me is book?

I-I still have my, uh...

[ Bass thumping ]
The woofer's rattling my chest!

Hell yeah, it is!

Eddie, what have you done
to our van?

If your music breaks the car,
you're buying us a new one.

Come on, guys.
Give it a chance.

[ The Beastie Boys'
"So What'cha Want" plays ]

**

[ Rapping ]
* Well, just plug me in just like I was Eddie Harris *

* You're eatin'
crazy cheese *

* Like you would think
I'm from Paris *

* You know I get fly,
you think I get high *

* You know that I'm gone,
and I'm-a tell you all why *

[ Rapping ] * So, tell me,
who are you dissin'? *

* Maybe I'm missin' *

* The reason that you're smilin'
or wilin', so listen *

* In my head, I just
wanna take 'em down *

* Imagination set loose,
and I'm gonna shake 'em down *

[ Rapping ] * Let it flow
like a mudslide *

* When I get on,
I like to ride and glide *

* I've got depth of perception
in my text, y'all *

* I get props at my mention
'cause I vex, y'all *

* So what'cha, what'cha,
what'cha want? *

* What'cha want? *

* I get so funny
with my money *

* That you flaunt *
* You flaunt *

* I said, "Where'd you get
your information from, huh?" *

* You think that you can front
when revelation comes? *

* Yeah, you can't -- *

Think that's a good idea.

Hmm.

**

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0