Original subtitles

[ Popping, speaking gibberish, laughter ]

[ Snoring, yawns ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Chair creaks, mouse clicking ]

[ Train whistle blows ]

-Eddie, no more computer! -Whoa.

This knock-off version of "The Sims" is so accurate.

It even soundslike Mom.

Eddie!

It's noon and you're still in your pajamas?

I was up all night makingcomputer versions of our family.

It took me four hours to get Dad's hair right.

Did you do the laundrylike I asked you?

I said I'd get to it.

Off the computer nowand go do the laundry.

[ Sighs ]

[ Exhales sharply ]And go take a shower.

You smell like hot-dog water.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Whomp-whomp, speaking gibberish]

[ Sighs]

Believe me, little dude -- I get it.

[ Pops, ooh's]

[ Click ]

♪ Fresh off the boat

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin'

♪ I'm fresh off the boat

Thanks for letting me borrow your hammer, Louis.

The hardware store near my apartment stopped selling them

after all the murders.Mm, no problem, Horace.

Moving into your first apartment is hard work.

Oh, and I, uh, marked itwith an "H" for "Huang"

so we don't get mixed up.

But "H" is also for "Horace." And hammer.

But that "H" is for "Huang."

I'll bring it back as soon as I'm done decorating my place

the way Iwant to.[ Laughs ]

"Oh, oh, you think the Elvira poster is too sexy for my room, Mom?

Well, that's too bad, because it's my place!"

[ Laughs ]

Uh, Elvira?

She's...kind of...hot.Oh. Okay.

You know, my first apartmentwas above a saxophone store.

I used to tell peopleI live on the corner

of Rhythm and Blues.[ Chuckles ]

Until the mailman told me to stop.

Hey, I should find my old leaseand frame it!

Man, living alone must be awesome. I can't wait.

When I have my own place,I'm gonna have

a beat-box answering machine.

"Leave a message after the..."

[ Beat-boxing ]

"...beat." Yes!

Living alone is great, man.

I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

I haven't felt this free since I went on Cultural Exchange

to Taiwan when I was 16.

Say what now?

You know, when you go all over Taiwan

with a bunch of other teenagers on a bus?

Theysay it's educational,

but the only thing I learned

is how to smooch girls with a mouth full of tapioca.

But what about your parents?

The best part about Cultural Exchange --

no parents.

Hey, is it cool if I take this?

Thanks, man. Housewarming gift.

Jessica: Eddie? I said no more video games.

I need the computer to instant-message with Honey

while she's on bed rest.

I already have my topics all picked out.

But Computer Eddie just ordered bottle service.

Who cares? He's a pixel blob!

Now, off the computer or no seeing your friends for a week.

Fine. I'll just play with my"digital friends" instead.

Fine. I'll just pack you a digital lunch

for school tomorrow instead.

"Microsoft Sandwich".

Fine. I'll just raidthe freshmen learning garden.

They don't need that much rosemary.

Okay, you want to use the computer?

Then you can teach Grandma. -Whoo!

What?! You know that's way worsethan no computer.

Why can't you just give mea little space?

I would love to give you a little space,

but parenting you is a full-time job.

Ask Jeeves to look for "Tom Selleck...

plus shirtless".

[ Grunts ]

Who designed this house? The Harlem Globetrotters?

[ Grunts ]Allow me.

There's that famous volleyball reach I've heard so much about.

Cowboy boots? When did that start?

A few weeks ago. You didn't notice?

Oh, of course I did. [ Chuckles ]

Started a few weeks ago.

Well, I'm worried about him,and it's not just the boots.

He's seemed different lately.

Emery? [ Scoffs ]

No. You could set your watch by that kid.

I'm sure it's nothing.

He's probably just parting his hair the opposite way.

He isn't, and I would know.

I'm the one that does his hair.

You do your brother's hair?

So? I have the time.

I think he might be goingthrough something

and he doesn't know how to tell us.

Well, I'm sure, if it's anythingimportant, he would tell me.

We've been really connecting lately,

ever since our Chinese New Year tussle.

We even discovered a mutual love of volleyball.

Since when do you like volleyball?Since always.

Spatch! That's a volleyball term.

Okay,if nothing's going on,

explain why I found this on his desk.

The Cowboy Palace Saloon?

He could've gotten this anywhere.

Besides, the boy has a lot of candles.

Louis!

Printer's ink run out.

Tom's chest soaked it up.

I need a new name for Instant Messenger.

Jessica Huang was taken,

so I have Jessica-Computer-Name,

Chinese-Barbara-Bush,

or Deidres-A-Poop-6.

Ooh, tough call. They're all great.

Anyway, Mother,

I was thinking, and you're right --

how we both need a little space.

In the words of Louis Armstrong,

"And I think to myself...

w-what a dope-ass world."

I owe it to myself to get out there.

Uh-huh. Which is why

I would likeyour permission to go

on the Cultural Exchange trip to Taiwan.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing continues ]

What are we laughing about?

You! Going on a Cultural Exchange!

Wh-What's so funny about that?

You can't survive on your own.

I do everythingfor you.

I wake you up for school,

I cook for you, I do your laundry --

Hey, I did the laundrythis time.

Only because I hounded you until you did it.

You're like a little baby bird

who sits in front of the computer all day

and would die if his beautiful mother bird

stopped regurgitating worms into his mouth.

So I'm sorry, but the answer is no.

Every time I think we've goneand turned a corner,

you go right back to treating melike I'm a baby!

I'm 16 years old.I can look after myself!

I'm goingon that trip.

Well, I'll call the programand tell them not to accept you.

As long as you live under my roof, you go by myrules.

Fine. Then maybe it's time Ididn't live under your roof.

Fine! You know where the door is.

Ooh, Orlando State is selling a DNA gene sequencer.

That lab fire is the gift that keeps on giving.

Mm-hmm. So, uh, Emery,

excited about volleyball practice?

You know, I was reading that volleyball

is the number-one sport amongst nudists.

What's a nudist?Uh, doesn't matter.

Everything good with you, though?

No, uh, troubles at school or anywhere else,

like a roadhouse or a Western-themed speakeasy?

Nope! All good. You know me, Dad.

[ Chuckles ]

I do, don't I? [ Chuckles ]

Mr. Volleyball.

Have a good practice, son.

Bye. [ Chuckles ]

See? I was right. Emery is fine.

He's just a good, old-fashioned,

cowboy-boot-wearing, volleyball-playing,

nudist-ignorant kid.

Uh-huh.

So, have you ever actually seenhim play or...?

[ Grunts ]

Uh, hi. I'm Louis Huang,Emery's dad.

Who?

Uh, Louis Huang. I runthe steakhouse off I-4.

The one next tothe haunted supermarket.

No, who are you looking for?

Uh, Emery Huang.

Oh, the Chinese kid.

Yeah, he quit the team weeks ago.

Sebastian!

Get your hair out of your mouth and play volleyball!

You need to stop hanging yourbras on the clothesline outside.

A bird made a nest in one of the cups.

Well, this is it.

I'm really doing it. I'm really running away.

Okay.

You're letting him leave?

[ Door closes ][ Scoffs ]

Please. He's gonna get hungry

and be back in here in 10 minutes.

Then who is that picking him up?

♪♪

Horace?

[ Printer whirring ]

Oh, here comes Selleck's groin.

[ Chuckles ]

Tell me about it, Commander Beefcake.

[ Laugh track ]Ha! Oh, Susan!

Everything does happen to youvery suddenly, doesn't it?

Jessica.

Worried? I'm thrilled.

A break from being Eddie'sfull-time mom?

I feel like I'm on one of thosefancy white-people cruises

where everybody gets diarrhea.

[ Scoffs ]

Connie used to do thisall the time.

If she didn't get her way,

she'd run off and spendthe night in a grain silo.

But she always came home.

Trust me.

Eddie is not mature enough tosurvive in the world without me.

He's probably in a grain siloright now,

ruing the day he ever lefthis comfortable bed.

[ Door opens ]

Welcome to Chez Horace.

This is it? How long have you been here?

Ah, just a few weeks.

It's really startingto come together.

[ Inhales deeply ] Hoo.

Where do you even sleep?

My waterbed.

I made it myself.

Go ahead. Take it for a spin.Eh, no.

Cool.

I'm gonna use you to solve the puzzle

that has plagued scientists for centuries --

Was Eddie adopted?

Stop talking to the gene sequencer

and keep an eye out for Emery.

Are you gonna confront him?

Just be aware, he spooks easily.

He almost killed Grandma lasttime she wore a mud mask.

No, I'm not gonna call him out and risk how far we've come

since Chinese New Year.

Besides, I'm sure he has a reasonable explanation

for why he quit the volleyball team.There he is!

And he's...sweaty?[ Car door opens ]

Hey. [ Chuckles ] Hey.

So, how was practice?

Great. Coach says my spatch gameis really coming together.

♪♪

Horace, don't take this the wrong way,

but your apartment blows. Like, reallyblows.

Like, I can't believe you left home for this.

What were you thinking?

The truth is,

I didn't move out.

My parents kicked me out.What?

Why didn't you tell me that before?

I was embarrassed!

And plus I was hopingyou would bring

some luxury items from your house,

like pillows or lampsor toilet paper.

I've been using a sack of riceas a pillow,

and now my neck is so jacked up,

I think one of my armsis permanently asleep.

Yeah, that's not good.

I can't go back now, let my mom win.

Hey, do you want somethingto drink?

I don't have any glasses yet,but I can rinse out

an old bottleof contact lens solution.

I think I'm just gonna turn in.

Okay.

Well, good night, Eddie.

It's good to have you here.

And you can stayas long as you want.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

I think I made a big mistake.

God, me too, man.

Me, too.

[ Chiming]

[ Typing ]

[ Chimes]

[ Thud in distance ]

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Whispering ] Thank God...

I knew it. I knew you couldn't survive

out there on your own without me, and I was right.

Come on now. Get up.

It's after 5:00.

Hey, um... can I get a glass of milk?

Oh...What are you doing in my house?

To be honest, I just neededa dry bed and something to eat.

I don't have any food...

[yawning] or furnitureat my house.

It's, um --It's kind of a dump.

What? And you just left Eddie there?

No. He was gone when I woke up.

Gone where?

Here, I assume.

Is he not here?

Now, about that milk...

And the coach said you're havinga special extra practice

so you can watch "Top Gun" as a team?

Just the volleyball scenes.

Oh.[ Vehicle door opens ]

Have a good practice, Emery.

Thanks.

If that is your realname.

[ Exhales ] And now the stakeout begins.

I brought a bag of disguises.

Are you okay playing a woman?

[ Quietly ] Shh, there he is.

Yes.

♪♪

[ Brakes screeching ]

♪♪

Follow that Huang.

♪♪

Meet Dr. Lucas Palindrome,

a psychiatristfrom Brooklyn, New York.

That's the bar from the matchbook.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Is he really going in there?

Man: Hey.

He quit volleyballso he could underage drink.

What a waste.

What do you say you dress upas Mrs.Palindrome

and we get our pictures takenat the mall?

Wait in the car and lock the doors.

Where are you going,Melinda?

To rescue my son!

Ourson! Ourson, Melinda!

Whoa there, partner.You can't --

I own a Western-style steakhouse.

Now get your damn hand off me.

[ Indistinct conversations, country music playing ]

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

♪♪

If we go to the airport, it's a $45 flat fee.

Just so you know.This is all your fault.

Myfault? What did Ido?

You lost him!

If he's not huddled up in yourcrack den like a fetal mouse,

he could be anywhere.

No offense, but you lost him first.

Okay, we're here.

Hey, if you see anybody with a hammer, run!

Oh, hey, man. I just went down to the Goodwill and picked up some --

Oh, my God, Eddie, you're...

thriving!

Hey, if either of you lost a tooth, it's in the stairwell.

Mom? What are you doing here?

I was worried you...

forgot to bring clean underwear.

Knowing you, you probably lefthome without packing any spares.

For your information, I packed eight pairs.

That way, I can do laundry on Sunday

and not have to wear my swimsuitas underwear.

We all know that mesh neverrecovers.

You figured it out.

I love what you've done to this place, man.

I mean, it's not really my style, but...it works.

Eddiedid this?

By himself?

I told you I can take care of myself, Mom.

When are you gonna start believing me?

Fine. We'll talk about iton the way home.

No, we won't.

I'm going to the store to buy olive oil

for the bruschetta I'm making for tonight's dinner.

Horace only owns... massage oil.

You went through my nightstand?You mean the Mervyn's bag

hanging on the bathroom door handle?

I thought that was trash.

Stay out of my stuff, man.

[ Sighs ]

[ Country music plays ]

[ Cheering ]

Dad? What are you doing here?

What are youdoing here? In a bar?

And why did you quit volleyball?

Because I hatevolleyball.

But you said you loved it.

I did at the beginning.And then I didn't.

But by the time I figured that out,

you'd already goneand made it "our thing".

All of a sudden,you were Mr. Volleyball.No, I wasn't.

You drove me to Tampa so I couldget my volleyball signed

by former Olympic bronzemedalist Yoko Zetterlund.

Like I even know who that is!

You said that was one of the topfive moments of your life.

Well, I lied![ Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" plays ]

Look, this is my song.

I gotta go.I'll see you at home.

♪ You can tell the world you never was my girl♪

I am a terrible mother.No, you're not.

You just pushed too hard.

Being a mom is tough,and nobody's perfect.[ Sighs ]

God knows mymom isn't.

I know your mom.

I bet she was real tough on you.

Oh, no, she gave meeverything I wanted,

never yelled at me,

let me eat ice creamfor breakfast anddinner.

So your mom made you into the person you are today?

Without her constantlove and support,

I think I would've turned out prettydifferent.

Mm, I bet you would have.

[ Water squirting ]

Thank you, Horace.

This has been very helpful.

Do you have a piece of paper? I want to write Eddie a note.

No, but you want to scratchon the wall? That's what I do.

♪ Don't tell my heart♪

♪ My achy breaky heart♪

♪ I just don't think he'd understand♪Mind if I cut in, amigo?

Dad, what are you doing?You don't know any of the steps.

I'm the formerCha Cha King of Taipei.

I don't need the steps.

♪ He might blow up and kill this man, ooh♪

Sorry if I made a big dealout of you playing volleyball.

I'm sorry I lied about it. I know you love it.

-Well... -You don'tlove it?

I was pretending to love it'cause I thought youloved it.

I was trying to connectwith you.

So you don't know who Yoko Zetterlund is, either.

Nobodydoes, son.

♪ You can tell your ma I moved to Arkansas♪

You didn't have to hide this from me.

If you want to be a professional line dancer,

your mom and I will support you.

Relax, Dad. I don't.

Oh, thank God.

Your mother would'vemurdered us both.

[ Cheering ]

Line dancing is fun and everything,

but the truth is, everyone treats me

like I've got it all figured out,

but I don't.

So I'm trying out different Emerys,

and that's hard to do when you --Spatch your spike?

I don't know what that means.

[ Huffs ] Neither do I.

I guess I can come ona little strong sometimes.

I just want to make sureI'm there for you.

-Mind if I cut i-- -Back off, Shania.

I'm talking to my son.

I love that you're trying to connect with me,

but it adds a lot of pressure.

I just need some space sometimes.

I get it.

And I'll be here when you need me.

♪ He might blow up and kill this man♪

[ Applause ]

♪♪

Leroy, you fixa mean Shirley Temple.

Mom, where's Dad?

Horace said he was attacked by a bunch of bees!

Your dad's fine.

That was just a clever ployto get you home.

[ Sighs ] There's somethingI want to tell you.

What? You're right and I'm wrong? I've heard it before.

No.

I was scaredI'd pushed you away.

But after talking to Horace,I realized I hadn't.

I pushed you out.Ew. Gross, Mom.

Ew, not like that!

Pushed you out of the nest.

Which ismy job as your mom.

And as usual,I was too good at it,

and now you're ready early.

So you're welcome.

Thank you.

Wait, for what?

Well, you could've hadHorace's mom --

a nicemom who gives you hugs

and lets you eatice cream for dinner.

But instead, you got me,and because of that,

you know how to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry I ran away.

If it's any consolation, Horace's apartment sucked.

Everything was covered in cat hair,

and he doesn't even owna cat.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I need you to movethe computer into my room.

What?! But you don't even use it!

[ Sighs ]

I guess I'll have to learn.

We'll have to keep in touchsomehow, right?

Wait...

so I can go on the Cultural Exchange to Taiwan?

[ Sighs ] Fine.

Hey, this will be nice for me, too.

I look forward to beingbumped down to part-time mom.

So, what are you gonna do with all your free time?

Oh, I'm sure I'll findsomeone else to boss around.

♪♪

Mom?!

It's 3:00 in the morning.

[ Fans swishing]

I have a problem.

[ Vacuuming]

♪♪

[ Sighs]Jessica: You'll stop cleaning

when I tell you to stop cleaning, Robot Louis!

[ Grumbles ]

This is my favorite game.

-Pretty cool, right? -Mm-hmm.

Hey, wait. Where's Grandma?

Oh, she's around.

[ Pops, train whistle blows]

[ Grumbles]

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