Original subtitles

Nicky! Nicky!

Oh, God! Nicky!

Nicky! Big Nose is dead. What are you talking about?

He was livestreaming and he went out for a smoke and he never came back.

Right - like, game dead.

No. Uh-huh. Like, dead dead.

What do you mean, dead dead? Like, actually dead.

Right, but in the game. No, in the world.

Big Nose, beloved Kingdom Scrolls YouTuber, is dead?

That's what I'm saying.

But, like, game dead? No. Not game dead, Nicky.

He's dead like, er, Roald Dahl. Dead like Bruce Lee.

He's Gandhi dead? That's what I'm saying.

OK, then, Meg. So his heart's just stopped, has it?

And his brain - I suppose Yeah.

And we can't revive him with a healing gift, obviously,

because, like you say, he's dead?

Nicky, he really is dead. Yeah! No, sure.

I know he is, Meg. Big Nose is dead.

And so are we! We're all just so fucking dead.

Oh, God! How am I going to drink my decaff Americano now that I'm a ghost?

Mate, I know you enjoyed watching his livestreams.

We all did. He was a presence in both of our lives

but he's gone.

We're gathering in the desert. We're going to light a beacon for him.

Nicky...

Big Nose is dead.

Hmm.

Coffee on my shoes.

PLAINTIVE MUSIC

He was Big Nose.

The greatest Kingdom Scrolls livestreamer of his generation.

He had such a big nose.

Only one thing bigger than his nose and that was his heart.

And the only thing bigger than his heart was the blockage that blocked his heart.

That's what you get for streaming from your armchair for 16 hours a day.

Btw, I probably won't come online tonight.

I don't know. I just don't feel like playing it tonight.

So? I play this game every night for five hours

and I go straight to sleep and I have night terrors.

Vivid night terrors. And do you know Right.

Well... Well, that's what I do.

RIP, Big Nose. May your motherboard be forever defragmented.

Apparently they found a supply of adult sanitary products in his toilet.

That's how he was able to stream for so damn long.

Oh, my God! He went full metal nappy.

Which in a way is a measure of the man.

Because you hear a lot of chat about the nappy,

a lot of people giving it all this - yap, yap, yap.

But to actually do it, to physically wear a diaper,

that takes actual moral courage.

Well, you pay the cost to be the boss.

Cos look at all of these people.

And, all right, he was plagued by health problems -

breathy, couldn't climb a flight of stairs, reduced to wearing a nappy,

dead at 27 - but he had 12,000 subscribers.

I bet he never had to work a day in his life.

Looks like it's going to be another late one, Meg.

Wait a minute.

ALERT JINGLE Oh, I've got a new subscriber.

Thank you, Professor DumbleDong, and welcome to the Scroll Hole,

your number one livestream for all things Kingdom Scrolls.

I'm your host, Meg the Merciless.

She's I'm streaming, Grandma.

So people on the internet are watching her playing a game?

I know this is obvious and it's a stupid question,

but why the fuck would they be doing that?

OK, is he saying it's wanking? Because it's not wanking.

Meg, everyone who's watching you is jerking themselves dry.

Bullshit! No-one is doing that. ALERT

Wanking Steve is doing that but that's his whole thing.

So you're saying that you've taken a sabbatical?

This is my job now, Alison.

Do you have any idea how much money I made yesterday?

Right.

It's less than the minimum wage.

But I'm playing a game. I'm doing something I love.

Look at me - do I look like I'm working?

You look exactly like you're working - only longer.

You look like you're working but longer and for less money.

I did the sums, by the way. You can't survive on �8 a day.

That's where you're wrong cos I know a guy who knew Big Nose

and you know how he did it? Three words.

Wall of beans.

Right. And what do those words mean, please?

That's what they found when they went in there to recover the body.

Just a wall of baked beans.

And he had three cans a day, every day,

and he could just stream forever - no job.

That's the dream, Meg. Eating beans out of a can while nine people jerk off over you.

Well, I'm thinking of having a party tonight, actually,

so if we could keep the bean walls to an absolute minimum.

OK, we all know what that means. Alison's having a party,

so can all the subnormal creatures kindly remain in their bell tower?

I was going to say you should come. It might be good for you.

Yeah! Like Scientology's good for you.

I asked Briony from your work.

I didn't know you knew Briony. She's in my yoga class.

And what time is this party? You're not seriously considering it?

What, some girl shows up who can wrap her leg around her neck

and you're ready to end four years of party boycotts?

And you're going to have sex with her.

Is that what's going to happen, Nicky?

You're going to take Bendy Girl from behind, are you?

Let's just take a moment to visualise that, shall we?

Ooh, you and her. Flexible Briony.

You can't even touch your fucking toes.

She's right. I've got some crafting writs to complete anyway, so...

Offer's open.

Off to work, wage slaves. Enjoy your hamster wheels.

Enjoy the sound of confused Spanish boys mauling at their scrawny genitals.

Do you know what, Nicky? If they want to jerk, then I say, let them jerk.

Nicky. Can I have a word?

Sure. What's up?

No, it's nothing. We've just had a couple of comments.

You've been talking about death a lot.

Have I? I don't... I don't think I have.

You raised it at the end of a meeting

under Any Other Business.

You said, "What about the inevitability of death?"

Oh!

As a satirical joke about death.

I just wanted to make sure that you're feeling OK.

Absolutely tippity-top, thanks.

They're trying to freeze Big Nose. What's that?

Apparently he believed in cryogenics.

So they're doing a Kickstarter.

#freezeBigNose

They're trying to freeze Big Nose because he's Gandhi dead.

Erm...

I've just taken delivery of one pallet of catering beans.

Nice big cans. That is a lot of bean for your buck.

So, guys, I'm just going to go pop a can.

I'll be right back.

Dude, I cannot believe I just watched your livestream

for nine straight hours.

I know. It is pretty compelling. It's totally compelling.

And so fucking boring.

I've just watched the whole thing from 10pm right through the night

and I cannot remember a single thing that happened.

It's totally fucking boring and I love it!

DOOR CLOSES

What are you doing home? Oh, funny story, actually.

I talked about death so much around the office they sent me home

for some rest.

It is hilarious.

I thought I'd just come home and log on for a bit.

I'm going to pick up all the leaves in Kingdom Scrolls.

All of them.

I'm going to pick up all the leaves, Meg.

Well, you basically seem fine, so I shan't pry.

Better leave for work. Might need a cheeky Red Bull before I clock on,

otherwise... HE SNORES

"Oh, God! He's asleep at the controls! Arrgh!"

What is it you actually do, Usman?

How do you mean?

I'm a pilot. Of planes.

You're a pilot of planes?

I know, right? It's insane.

What sort of pilot? A pilot of planes.

Usman's a pilot of planes?

What, like, cargo? No, no - commercial.

The old human cargo.

Yep - 200 poor souls, God bless 'em.

I'm sorry - is this real? Oh, it is frighteningly real.

Sometimes I catch myself and I'm like, "Dude, I'm flying a plane."

He's a pilot of people planes. People planes?

It's a crazy, crazy world.

I mean, it's only internals, the old short-hops.

They'd never let me loose on internationals - God no.

I don't have the attention span.

I'd probably just start staring at the clouds as I plummet into the Atlantic.

Craaaahhh! Psshhh!

You never asked.

But I had a couple of months off with stress,

says he, quietly levelling up a second character.

Are you sure you should be flying? I'll be fine.

I can basically do it with my eyes closed,

which is lucky because that's what I intend on doing.

HE SNORES

LOGOFF JINGLE He shouldn't be flying.

He hasn't slept. Like what?

Call air traffic control? This is all my fault.

My livestream is basically so compelling

that 200 people are going to die.

Huh! That's funny because I came home to stop thinking about death

and yet - oh, hello.

Ooh, catering beans. Don't mind if I do.

Yeah.

MELLOW DANCE MUSIC

CROWD CHATTING

Meg? People are arriving if you... I'm streaming.

This is my cocoon that covers my contours.

Totally jerk-proof. I'd like to see them get off over this.

You said, "Let them jerk."

The thing is, they tend to take that as an open invitation.

Mm.

Jesus, Alison! Why is there so much bosoms?

They're not bosoms, Meg.

They're tits and they're out because I'm having a party,

so would you like to shed your cocoon and come out of your room?

I can't. I'm doing a kind of Simon Schama walking tour of the Ninth Kingdom.

But it's fun because you know the Pools of Empowerment?

Every time we pass a Pool of Empowerment,

I have to drink mead from a horn.

OK. You know, I try to be supportive of your choices, Meg, I really do.

Face it, Alison. This party in here is way more real

than that fake party Sure.

In one sense, it isn't... ALERT JINGLE

Oh, my God! No way! Oh, my God!

Professor DumbleDong's just given me 500 quid.

A complete stranger has given me half a thousand pounds.

I'm never going to work again, Alison.

I'm objectively interesting in the eyes of a man who can't possibly be masturbating over me.

More mead, Vicar? Don't mind if I do.

Great. I'll just leave you to drink mead in the dark.

Let's see what's behind door number two.

Hey, Nicky. I thought maybe you might like to come out to the party.

I can't actually, Alison.

I've got quite a lot more leaves to pick up.

And when I'm finished, I'm going to plant some shrubs.

You know, like gardening? I'm going to garden.

I'm on gardening leave, so I'm going to make a really nice garden.

Are you definitely OK? Because you keep saying the word garden.

Are you sure you're not, maybe, grieving?

You know.

Nappy Man. OK, that's what I'm doing, Alison.

I'm grieving the Nappy Man.

Great. You're sweeping up fake leaves

and Meg's drinking mead out of a horn with a pillowcase on her head,

so there's no possible way this could look fucking weird. Bye.

Oh, some giant rats eating a dead cow.

All part of the Kingdom's rich ecosystem.

Don't have a cow, man. Oh, too late! They just did!

Russell, what are you doing? Nothing.

Having you been paying girls to jiggle their knockers again?

Er...

Right, streamers, who wants to see a man

in the throes of an existential crisis?

Me. I do.

PopsicleInYourButt, coming back at you.

So guess where I am right now?

I'll give you a clue. Doors to manual.

This is your captain speaking. Snakes on a plane.

Holy shit! Usman, are you flying?

Cruising at a speed of 426 knots.

Oh, my God!

I was sat here, autopilot on, and I thought,

I wonder what's going on with Meg's livestream?

Usman! Shouldn't you be concentrating on flying?

It's all in hand. Beep, beep, beep. Oh, my God, she's going down!

Just kidding. That beeping sound was me.

Holy shit. No, wait a minute. I'm stuck.

I am jumping! It's glitched. I can't move.

Dude, just kill yourself and start again.

I can't do that cos then all the leaves will reset

and I'll have to start over again, obviously.

OK, Nicky, so everyone watching my livestream thinks

you should kill yourself.

They were just saying, "Suicide! Suicide! Suicide!"

over and over again, like that.

Just kill yourself, dude. I don't want to die.

I know but you're not getting out of there

and what else have you got to live for, really?

I mean, where's all this going, Nicky?

Sorry, are we still talking about the game?

My leaves! What am I doing?

Seriously. Big Nose is dead.

He died and I'm alive and doing what?

Friday night and I'm quite literally stuck in a rut.

Whoa. Bullshit. No, I'm off.

The party, Meg. I'm going to the fucking party.

No?

Well, it looks like I just grew a pair of giant macadamias.

LEAVES RUSTLE, THUD Nicky?

Holy shit. I think he just did it.

Why is that red?

MUSIC THUMPING

Nicky! Hi!

Briony. One second. I just need to...

Too much. That's just too much.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ! KNOCKING

It's Briony. Are you OK in there?

Fine, thanks.

I'm trapped in the toilet.

Someone left something in the pan and it won't go down

and there's a girl outside and she's going to think it's mine.

Why won't it go down?

It's not flushing. Check the cistern.

There's nothing in the tank. I've got to fill it.

Everyone, as you can see, we've had to illuminate the fasten seatbelt sign.

Just a bit of turbulence, folks.

KNOCKING Nicky, it's Alison.

Nicky, is everything OK?

It won't flush! It's so buoyant!

So take the turd and mash it up. With what?

There's no toilet brush. Mash it up with... No, that's mine.

KNOCKING Nicky? Nicky!

KNOCKING Nicky!! Nicky, please can you let us in?

There's a queue. People are waiting.

I couldn't slice it up with this, could I?

KNOCKING Nicky, you've had your time, now.

Nicky? KNOCKING

Nicky? Nicky, please just open the door.

Wait - new idea. Grab the turd, throw it out the window.

What? That's fucking madness! It's a good idea, bro. It's solid.

OK, I'm getting a thumbs-up from my co-pilot, Jared. He likes it.

I'm not manhandling a human turd. You're right. That could get messy.

Put your socks on your hands, then grab the turd

and throw it out the window.

I'm getting thumbs-up from all three cabin crew, Nicky.

This is a great solution.

Nicky, can you hurry up? Judy's not feeling well.

OK. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

I've done what I can with it, truly I have,

but it won't... It just won't.

Sorry, Nicky - what the fuck are you talking about?

Behold.

Oh, no.

That is so wrong. It's like a pet shop.

Oh, a Pool of Empowerment. I think we all know what that means.

Hashtag I feel the need. The need for mead.

Mm! Russell!

This is Cara, Russell's mum.

He'd like his �500 back, please. What?

Sorry, love. Look, he does this sometimes.

Last year he fell in love with a cam girl from Guernsey

and he ended up buying her a fucking jet ski.

Right. I'll send it all back.

Wait, where's everyone else going?

Come on! I haven't finished showing you around.

This is Meg the Merciless livestreaming from Alison's party.

We are relaunching the stream.

Girl, girl, boy, music. So far, so fucking predictable.

She's eating all of the crisps. She's taking a photo of her own face.

I fancy this guy but he clearly won't talk to me.

What are you doing? OK, now he's talking to me.

Let's listen in on what he's saying.

Oh, classic! He's got nothing to say.

I told you he wouldn't want I just asked you what you were doing.

OK, now he's talking to me again. This is absolutely vintage.

You realise that no-one's watching you?

Huh, OK, Scrollers.

Hot Guy has quite correctly pointed out that you've all gone,

which basically means that I'm just walking round the party

quite loudly narrating to myself.

Suffice to say, I've completely blown it with Hot Guy.

So I'm just waiting for him to confirm.

No, it's definitely not on. Yeah, definitely not, so, on we go.

Hey, Alison, how's it going? Good, thanks.

I think we're going to wind it up pretty soon.

The common consensus seems to be

that your turd has pretty much ruined the party.

It wasn't my turd, Alison. Sure it wasn't, Nicky.

It's just funny how we were all having so much fun

and then... Hmm.

Ahem.

Everyone, can I just...?

The shit was mine. I did it. Me.

Not him. He's no monster.

That disgusting clump of intensely buoyant matter

came out of this arsehole and I don't care who knows it.

Because I don't need validation from you

and I don't need validation from some wanking chimps in Spain.

I make my own reality in my own room every night

and in fact, I'm going to go and do it again right now.

Ah! Back in the bell tower.

Yeah, finally. The bells! The bells!

So, Usman, what's happening?

Er, nothing much. I should probably get back to the day job.

INTERCOM BLEEPS Hey, everyone, this is your captain speaking.

We're about to make our descent into Forth Worth

so I'm now asking crew to prepare the cabin...

Holy fuck, I'm being attacked by a bear!

Ladies and gentlemen, you may have overheard some radio chatter.

Everything is completely under control.

Like, I say we'll be coming to land at Fort Worth in...

Holy shit, there's another one! Jared!

Where are these fucking bears I've got him.

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