Original subtitles

Oh, what the actual fuck? Alison!

What is this here? What is this here, please?

Oh, I... I thought it was nice.

Right. So it's not a dig? How is that a dig?

A dig at me, at my choices.

Is it?

Is that what it is, Alison? "Life is for living."

Funny that, isn't it? A bit of a coincidence.

Are they new cushions? Is that a throw?

What? I'm just trying to make it nice.

Oh, my God! I see what this is. This is a trap.

You're just trying to lure me into the living room

so I get all comfy and...

Nicky! Alison is trying to trap us.

She's, quote, "made the living room all nice."

What? I had some Habitat vouchers, I...

What did you think would happen?

That we would just sit down watching Gogglebox together, eating Maltesers?

I don't even like Maltesers. Doesn't even like Maltesers.

Look, I just get tired of seeing backs -

stood in doorways, looking at backs.

All I see is backs. Backs.

Yeah, cos our fronts are engaged in something worthwhile.

Grinding for items. No, not just grinding for items.

Playing, connecting, myth-making.

Also grinding for items.

All right. Forget it then. Don't sit out here.

Oh, don't worry. We won't. Where are we going?

Back to our rooms.

Do you know, we've spent 34 hours on blimp travel?

What are you talking about? I'm just looking at our build stats.

That's not us doing missions. That's just us commuting from one place to another.

Isn't that insane? No. It's not insane.

Actually, it's a very fucking large kingdom.

I'm going to look up how long it took Paul McCartney Yeah, OK.

Maybe don't do that, Nicky.

40 minutes. Paul McCartney wrote Hey Jude in 40 minutes

and we've spent 34 hours on blimp travel.

Had a lot of fun on those blimp rides, though - a lot of memories.

Daddy, will you come and bake Later, baby-cakes.

51 times. You could write Hey Jude 51 times

in the time we've spent in blimps.

What's everyone else doing that's so worthwhile?

What, they're all just sat around writing brilliant novels and fucking?

No, they're reading magazines and finding new ways to hate themselves.

It's eyebrows now. It used to be no-one wanted eyebrows.

All of a sudden, everyone wants massive eyebrows.

At least we're doing something. We're connected.

Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg. Don't try to make this meaningful.

It's fine. It's over for us and that's fine.

OK, he's coming on. What do you want Yeah - chairs.

Hello? Hello? Is there anyone there?

Aloha!

Hello! Makes you feel a bit bad.

Look at him. OK, Meg - remember the raid?

His primary weapon was a baguette. It was actually a brioche.

God! I just wish he wasn't so fucking stupid.

Whee!

Meg, if you banged him, you'd basically be exploiting a cretin.

You could get done for exploiting I know that, Nicky.

And yet, as my nubbin stirs in my pants,

I cannot, hand on heart, entirely rule it out.

Whee! PROPELLER WHIRRS

Oh, no! I've done it again.

Meg, in the game, right, would you be interested, right,

in the game,

in...in marrying me?

Right? But in the game.

Sorry. What the fuck are these words that are coming out of your mouth?

Cos all I'm hearing is, like, dolphin sounds.

Like... CLICKING AND SQUEAKING

No, because I looked into it and you get 15% more experience points if you're married to someone.

I don't give a shit about XP points.

From a character point of view, why would Greta get married?

She's notoriously promiscuous. Well, she's a slag.

Not a slag, Nicky. She's just open to experiences.

She's pan, she's bi.

One day it's orcs, the next day it's vampire priests.

She's a sexual conundrum.

If she got some easy XP, she could level up.

You know, give her that final push into the citadel,

maybe even defeat the Hive Mother.

Well, yes, obviously it would be nice to defeat the Hive Mother.

She brought ruin to that kingdom.

She drove the Cat Folk of Calduggan into the sea, Nicky. In the sea.

They can't swim. They're cats.

And you said yourself, Meg, what else is there?

Sitting in Alison's death pit on a comfy cushion?

If we're going to do this, we might as well commit.

All right, fine, whatever. Consider yourself engaged.

Oh, my God. SHE RETCHES

I know. HE RETCHES

You're engaged? In the game.

It's a game! We're engaged in a game.

You're getting married in Kingdom Scrolls? It's just for the XP points.

It's basically a visa wedding. It's like - I don't know.

Some young hot Syrian refugee being forced into marrying

this old, fat horrible van driver from Barnsley

that she finds disgusting.

It's not that but it is something similar.

And what about the man from your work, Meg?

The man you both murdered? We're hiding from him.

Yeah, every time he comes online we turn into chairs.

OK, I'm just going to have to hit pause for a second.

God, I fucking hate you when you hit pause.

The next time you get a weepie on rum

and you say to me, "Alison, why do you always have a boyfriend?"

I'm going to say, "Because I don't turn into a chair every time they come into a room."

Forget Russell!

Let's all just forget about Russell.

And you don't think it's going to make things weird between the two of you?

OK, Alison.

Would it make things weird if I bought a frying pan?

Oh, yeah! Alison,

would it make things weird if Meg bought a frying pan?

This isn't the same as buying This is exactly the Just like buying a fryingpan.

OK, to be honest, it's quite an odd comparison,

so, in a way, it's already gone a bit weird.

Alison, sh!

Let me just put this to bed for you, OK?

Two nerds in a house, Meg and me.

Now, the classic series arc for a pair of characters like us

is that we get together - well, that ain't my arc, baby.

No, me, neither. In fact, I'm breaking out of my little box,

my little box set, and I'm fucking off to some other show.

Yeah, me too. I'm out the door.

Oh, no! Now you're in the show on your own, Alison.

I hope you don't die alone in your own show

on your own, Alison.

Let's go, fiance. THEY RETCH

Wow, look at this place. It must be a furniture warehouse of some kind.

God, there's some really nice pieces.

So where are they then, these new friends of yours?

Oh, no, it keeps doing this. I find them on the map

and when I get there, it's just chairs.

I wonder why there's so much furniture in this game?

Marriage, dude? That's heavy.

It would be if I had any feelings for Meg but I don't, so it isn't.

I just feel dead from the waist down whenever I think about her.

In fact, if I trigger the paralysis emote,

this is me thinking about Meg.

Cos me and my wife, we're so hot for each other.

Date night once a month. Make a big effort.

This month I got us two tickets for a band we're both really into.

Holy fuck, it's this Thursday.

HE SIGHS How is that this Thursday?

Dinner and a band straight after. I have a quest line to finish

and instead I'm going to be in a room, in a sweater, watching a band.

Fuck my life!

Hey, sweetie. Dinner smells amazing.

Here comes the bride, motherfuckers!

Sorry I'm late. I had a bachelorette party

with the boys from the US server.

Got drunk and killed a villager.

Oh, Satan's Donut said he's sorry he can't make it.

He's got a shift at the carpet shop.

He sent a calf. Oh, that's nice.

MOOING Right, then.

Guess we should just do it, then.

We're gathered here today to celebrate the union

of Greta Longstocking and Mark The Unwavering.

You know this is actually kind of adorable? How is this adorable, Alison?

I'm being trafficked.

The system is coercing me into marrying someone

that makes me physically...

Ergh. Huerrr.

THEY CONTINUE RETCHING

Who's this trying to join the chat?

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Meg?

Surprise!

You invited my fucking mum? I thought it would be nice.

Hello? Meg?

Anyway, why would it be weird? It's just like buying a frying pan.

I'm not sure my thing's connected.

Mum, I'm going to have to hex you down to the Dark Circle

because I just can't even deal.

Oh! What's happening?

Meg!

Did you just hex your mum?

Dude, you just banished her to the Dark Circle. That's cold.

Let's just get this over with.

You may now kiss the bride.

Oh, OK. I'll do that, then, shall I?

Yeah, right, because we're so in love.

Kissy-kissy. SHE RETCHES

I concur.

THEY CONTINUE RETCHING

CALF MOOS

PIG SQUEALS

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

God, this is so great.

15%. It's such an under-appreciated buff.

Seriously, everyone should get married.

All those losers out there, questing solo, like this guy.

Oi! Get a life, you wanker. Yeah, you wifeless wanker!

So, I had an idea.

If we wash our faces and brush our teeth about 7pm,

then it's out of the way,

then we can stay up till 1, 2am just looting, looting, looting.

Nicky, I am not brushing my teeth at 7pm.

Good.

My health is lower than a camel's ball sack.

No, like, actual rations. I got you actual rations from the shop.

It's a lasagne.

Yeah.

From the shops? With some garlic bread.

It came in a deal.

Right.

I was buying one for myself anyway.

I thought I'd get a bigger one that feeds us both

and we wouldn't have to stop playing.

Did you...?

Did you get me a pudding?

God, no! No puddings. Absolutely zero puddings.

Oh! I thought you'd gone all weird for a second.

I mean, what kind of pervert goes around buying puddings?

Hey, Meg. Quick question about Kingdom Scrolls.

Are you hiding from me? In the game.

Do you and your friends hide from me by turning into chairs?

I looked it up online and there's a magic pebble that lets you turn into furniture.

Right. Yes, we are doing that.

OK. Can I just ask why?

Is it because...?

Is it because I'm annoying?

Yeah. It is because of that, yeah.

Oh, OK! No, great.

That's what Mum said.

I'm still going to play it, though.

Because it's... It's fun

and last night I went down to the harbour

and threw a deer into the water and I shot fireworks at it

and it was...

It was... Phhhwwrrr! Yeah, we used to do that.

Me and Nicky. We once spent an entire evening

trying to ride a stallion up to the top, into the volcano.

Molten lava kept burning its hooves.

It was just like, "No! No!!

"Whaaa! My hooves are on fire!

"Whaa! Whaaa! Brr!"

We just kept riding him on up there.

Now we just grind because we are grinding towards the endgame.

Anyway, I'm going to go fire Roman candles at some elks.

'Right, the rats have been slain. Let's away, fair maiden.

'Wife.'

Actually, Russell... 'Shall we? Hello?'

THUNDER RUMBLES

TOOTH-BRUSHING NOISES

You're brushing your teeth? The One Show hasn't finished

and you're brushing your teeth? Yep.

No longer the tyranny of late-night ablutions for me.

Log on, find the items, acquire the items,

equip the items, upgrade the items, outgrow the items,

trade the items.

Bed, work, home and play.

And repeat.

Tremendous.

Where's Meg?

Alison!

RAIN POURING, RINGING TONE

'This is Meg. I probably don't feel like talking right now.' BLEEP

Hey, Meg. It's Nicky, your significant other.

Not to be a nag but when are you likely to be home?

Also, your lasagne's quite fucking cold. OK, bye.

BIRDSONG

A-ha! The elusive wife returns.

Nicky, are you feeling OK? Yeah. I'm great, thanks.

Just letting off some steam.

I was just feeling a bit het up for some reason,

so I thought I'd tidy up the field, have a bit of a clear-out.

Mm.

Where have you been? Oh, I just went to the pub with some of the guys from work.

That's very interesting - "some of the guys". Nice and vague.

Oh, sweet baby Mario. Not Calf.

PLAINTIVE CRY Oh!

Ahem. Whoo!

Whoops.

Anyway, hubby, I might just turn in. Okey-dokey.

I'm going to finish up here.

Only a couple more and I'll unlock the Cow Slayer achievement.

SHE SIGHS

Here comes a dopamine rush.

Then it's gone.

KNOCKING

Meg, I made you some Cup-a-Soup to say sorry for slaying the calf.

Erm, it's two o'clock in the morning, Nicky.

I don't really want any soup. Thanks.

OK. I'll just flush it down the fucking toilet then, shall I? Night.

KNOCKING Meg? Me again.

Did you smear my Oral-B Pro Expert all over the mirror?

Yeah. Yeah, I did do that.

But I was just a bit angry because you killed the baby cow.

But that was before you made me the soup to say sorry.

Crikey. Talk about crossed wires.

Oh, God! I know.

We should see a bloody marriage guidance counsellor or something.

Ha!

Ha.

So should I make you some more soup Got it.

Night.

So great that everything's cool between the two of you.

I'd hate to feel like the third It's all totally cool.

Ooh! I might throw some gold at this dancing gentleman from Mexico.

That's from the joint account, Great.

I might go to the tavern. Find a wench and then fuck it.

Fine by me. Don't get groin rot.

Cute.

Date night tonight, which is going to be pretty fucking great

because I ain't going.

Yep. Pulled a sickie.

I'd better just stay in and play Kingdom Scrolls in my onesie.

Good. It's important you still have Completely agree.

More gold! Dance, senor, dance.

It's actually worked out perfectly because there's this guy she's always talking about - Wade.

So I palmed her off onto him. Oh, right.

Sucker! I was all like, "So sorry I can't make it.

"Have a great night with Wade. Take 50 bucks and get your hair done."

And she looked great. And she was like, "Don't wait up, baby."

And I was like, "OK, I won't."

Then boom! The Cat Man is back in town.

And you're not, like, jealous?

Why would I be jealous? They have to go and see a band.

They have to stand up on their feet in a room for two hours

and for what?

To hear some songs.

So worth it! "Please play some more songs!"

OK, Russell's coming. We need to hide.

Actually, Nicky, we don't need to hide any more.

There's something we should tell you. We just got married!

What's he talking about? They relaxed the laws on bigamy.

It's like the Hive Mother's one piece of progressive legislation.

So you just went out and married someone else, did you?

Nicky! You knew the deal when you shacked up with Greta.

You can't cage the beast. She's a libidinous animal.

Yeah, I know, but...

Him? He's a newb. I bet he's playing with his mouth open.

I mean, it is slightly ajar.

No. It's cool.

Meg marries Russell and they both live happily ever after.

Ooh. I wonder what's at the bottom of this ravine.

Ah. Nothing.

Meg! What are you doing, Meg?

Erm... Oh, I'm just putting bits into Nicky's no-bits orange juice.

That's it. Nicky!

Nicky, take the tampons out of your ears. I know you can hear me.

Oh, hey, Alison. What's up? You two - sit.

This whole marriage thing - you are messing with forces beyond your control.

You're emotional cripples and you're out of your depth.

You're like apes in a science lab trying to make a chemical compound.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah! This in here.

Ay-ooh-ah-ooh-ha. This in here.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ah-ah-ah! I dropped a test tube.

Trainers in the fridge, tampons in ears.

Somebody filled the toilet cistern with milk and cornflakes.

It is insane and I don't know what it is

but I just think that maybe you're in love with each other.

Tch!

OK, Alison.

You've gone psychotic.

Three options, Alison. One, you shut up forever.

Two, you need to be sectioned, or three, we just kill you.

Yeah - which is it going to be, I mean it. This ends now.

Either get a divorce or go and fuck

or move out of my flat.

Fine. Yeah. Let's just go and do it. What?

Yeah! Yeah! Let's fuck, if that's what she wants.

Erm...

Right, then.

Mm-hm.

Happy now, Alison?

We're doing it! We're fucking each other.

Is this what you wanted, Alison? And there's nothing - no feelings.

No feelings whatsoever, Alison.

Oh, what, do you want the reverse cowgirl? Yeah?

I'll take her from behind then, shall I, Alison?

Is she still there, Meg?

Yeah. Yeah, just keep going.

Er!

I'm so utterly turned on, I've just blown my beans inside you.

Er, yeah. I too have just orgasmed,

sending hot waves of ecstasy rippling through my body.

Totally, totally, totally.

Well, I think we've proved our point.

We've successfully subverted our series arc.

Fuck that shit.

Oh, btw - you did release your mum from the Dark Circle, didn't you?

Oh, fuck!

SCREAMING

Help me! Help me!

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