Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Sorry, I've got to get that.

Hello? The castle's on fire.

Blackfinger, Meg! Blackfinger is on fire!

OK, man the defences, catapults, arches, fill the meadow hall with some quicklime.

No, Meg! You need to get online right now!

Well, I can't right now because I'm at badminton.

You're at badminton? The racket sport of badminton?

Yes, Nicky, because Alison set me up on a date with a man called Dale

and I am this close. Seriously, I can sniff dicks.

I see. Well, while you're up to your gills

in dicks and pubes and scrota,

we are under siege.

It's those kids from South Korea. They're back.

Nicky, this is my first night off in two months.

And which do you think is more important, Meg,

a game of badminton or a fucking castle?

Blackfinger and everything it offers us strategically.

Argh!

Meg, is everything all right? Yes, it's fine, thank you, Alison.

It's not fine though, is it, Meg? What am I supposed to tell them?

Tell them your fucking castle's on fire!

I not saying those words.

They're stealing all our stuff, Meg, our weapons, our gold.

We'll have to grind, grind it all back.

No, I'm going. Bye, Nicky.

Oh!

I'm really sorry. That was my mum, erm...

There's been a fire and... Sorry, your mum's on fire?

No, she's not! We don't think so.

I'm really sorry.

It's a fire.

Obviously, that's ruined, Dale.

That's another whole area of town that I can't set foot in ever again,

because I really quite strongly implied that my mum burned to death.

This is what happens out there. You're essentially Icarus

and you flew too close to the sun

with your wings made from badminton rackets.

Might as well just face it, my vagina is like a rare Penny Black.

It is never getting licked.

Well, the best thing you can do now is just grind.

Grind it out, Meg. Succumb unto the grind.

They are moreish.

The sensation of clubbing brown bears is...

It's just moreish! You're loving this, aren't you?

This is basically your favourite bit, the drudgery,

hitting animals with cudgels.

So sorry, Meg. It's just hard to hear you over the deafening screams

of all these bears.

Popsicle Mybutt reporting for business. What's happening?

Usman, where were you last night? I was skyping you.

I bet. My wife's out of town so I'm in charge of childcare.

Well, while you were in charge of childcare and Meg

was at badminton, I got fucked to death by Korean super-children.

We lost Blackfinger. Oh, Jesus Christ, no!

Not again! Daddy, can you do my eye drops?

Not now, honey. Daddy's busy! So now what do we do?

Same as always, we grind until we've got the gold

to buy it back.

You know, whenever we do this, I always think of Paddington!

Computer, phone. Phone comes with, does it?

OK, nobody panic, but there's a new guy in the office.

He's here right now. He's like ten metres away and he is hot as balls.

Oh, boys, I am feeling a stirring in the nubbin.

Oh, geez, not the nubbin.

I'm telling you, my female gonad has awakened from its slumbers.

Wow, that was a quick slumber, wasn't it?

OK, he just smiled at me. It's on.

I just licked my lips. You licked your lips?

I was looking right at him and I licked my lips.

It depends. It either makes you look horny or like a cannibal.

Small lick is fine, large lick is insane.

That would make you look insane. I'm fine then.

Clearly blown it.

So... Oh, right, he's coming over. It's back on. It's back on.

Hi, Russell. I'm the new guy.

Just thought I should come Eh, Meg, Megan.

But you can call me Meg or Megan. Preferably Meg.

No-one calls me Megan. My nan - she died, Halloween.

Unrelated. It's not like someone scared her to death.

Pneumonia. Which I've always thought is ironic,

cos it kills off so many old people, but they should call it...

..oldmonia.

Whatever you do, do not lick your lips.

So, yeah, it's the first day. I'm just like, where is everything?

I couldn't find the kettle.

I mean it, Meg, no licking of lips.

So I bought a coffee from the machine, but it swallowed my money,

and now I'm getting quite thirsty.

Don't lick them, Meg! Hold your tongue!

There's actually a bigger kitchen just through that way.

Are you playing a bloody game on there?!

On my lunch break, I'm playing it on my lunch break!

It's got fucking dragons in it! It has wyverns, yeah. It's Kingdom Scrolls.

It's basically Final Fantasy online for people who aren't pompous fuckheads.

Can I have a quick wazz? I'd rather you didn't!

Wazz! It's just basically like me coming round to your house

and asking to use your toothbrush. Just... Ah, urgh!

Yeah, no, sure.

You could create your own character.

Can I be a dragon? You can be a spider rider,

Oh! Yeah, I'd bloody love to ride a bloody spider!

I'll send you a link.

Cool, I'll see you on there.

Boys, I have a date. You have a date?

What, like an American woman in an American film, like Meg Ryan

in You've Got An E-mail? Right, you keep grinding.

I'm hitting the bogs, because I'm in the mood

for some rubbin' of the nubbin.

Maybe I could take him up to the top of Greycloud,

show him the view out over the Twisted Heath.

I tell you where's romantic, the Lake of Corpses.

I'm not taking him there! Nicky, I want this guy to stomp me.

I want him to demolish my entire downtown area.

I want him to gentrify me.

Shit!

Oh, no, he's doing it again. Who?

The man, with the sponge and thing!

He's like two feet away. He's cleaning my window.

Oh, God, he's judging me so hard right now.

The withered man at his keyboard.

The meat lump on a swivel chair. This is absolutely intolerable.

Just pull the curtain then. I can't, he'll see.

Maybe if I do it...

..really slowly?

Nice and gently.

Just going to ease the curtain over.

Easy does it.

OK, he's staring at me. Too late.

Nearly over now!

And it's done. I've successfully closed the curtains

on my feelings of inadequacy.

So here's the thing they never tell you about childcare -

Oh, yeah?

It's essentially the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've got one doing homework and one in the playpen.

Wait, she's there with you now? It's OK. She can't see the screen.

She's in her cot with the bars and the lid.

I made a lid for the cot out of some plywood.

It's for her own safety, just to stop her climbing out.

She's a climber, that one! BABY LAUGHS

She's in a cot with a lid?!

She's basically in a cage! It's not a cage.

Does sound quite cagey. OK, can we stop calling it a cage?

It's a playpen with a lid. Daddy, I can't see my homework.

My eyes are all itchy.

Two seconds, honey. Just keep blinking.

Hello, giant green slag.

Chatting, right.

Can we help you, love?

Meg, it's me, Russell from work.

Oh!

You made a woman! You're a massive woman!

I know! I'm a massive woman.

I'm basically the biggest possible woman.

I love this game!

Quack, quack, quack, I'm a giant running woman!

Oh, boy, we have a casual among us.

Wait, my mouth's moving when I speak. Amazing!

How does it do that? How does it know what I'm going to say?

No, it does. Look... Look at me.

I'm talking. I'm talking.

I'm talking, I'm talking!

I'm talking, I'm talking!

I'm talking! I'm talking!

It's just flaps.

The mouth just flaps regardless.

Because I can say, "I'd like a ham bagel", or I can say,

"I'm dying of throat cancer", and it's exactly the same.

Look at the sun!

Look at the other sun!

Look at the plants!

Look at that plant!

Mushrooms? It's got bloody mushrooms in it!

Oh, my God. If you sheath your weapon and unsheathe it again, it looks like wanking.

Ha-ha!

Oh, brother, another genius who discovers wanking hands

and thinks he's Thomas Edison.

Er, actually, could you just stop doing that?

We just tend to take a very dim view on it as a community.

So what are we doing? Long view.

The citadel's fallen into the hands of the Red Scorn and their leader,

the Hive Mother, has banished all dissident factions,

so that's your hunchbacks, that's your humans,

that's your Amazonians, to the outer rim,

where we've formed into a rebel alliance known as the J-Knot,

headed up by a charismatic but itinerant barbarian

by the name of Tannadal Quan.

But now the Hive Mother's on the throne, so politically, the Night Kingdom is just roiling.

It's a powderkeg. It's just...

..roiling!

So what we doing? We're grinding.

We're repetitiously slaying low-level brown bears in exchange

for very small amounts of gold.

It's essentially factory work. Why are we doing that?

To buy our castle back. Also, when I have crucifixion experience points,

XP, I'll level up, and there'll be a little red banner on screen

and a tinging sound, and it'll trigger a tiny dopamine rush

in the mesolimbic pathway of my frontal lobes and,

for that second, I will momentarily forget about death.

Quack, quack, quack, I'm a giant wanking woman!

HE LAUGHS

Meg, private chat, please.

He's a fucking moron! He's not a fucking moron.

Meg, he made a tower of cows.

HE LAUGHS

It's a...

He is a fucking moron, but I still want to shag him.

Meg, he's a casual, one of them, Candy Crush with VR headsets.

He's a clacker. OK, he's not a clacker.

Just going to activate his voice channel for a second.

I want you to listen to the clacking.

HE MAKES CLACKING NOISES

Oh, God, it hurts me!

See? He's a filthy newbie clacksman!

Fine, he's a clacksman. He still has meat between his legs.

He's still sitting on a potential food source, valuable zinc deposits.

Look at him, running around, enjoying it.

What is this, an arcade game?

Are we playing Outrun in an arcade and drinking Coke and laughing?

Maybe it's about time we had some fun for a change.

Listen to yourself, Meg!

Oh, anyway, why can't I fuck a moron?!

Men fuck stupid women all of the time. That's like their whole thing.

You don't hear men like, "Oh, she's really hot. I'm just a bit worried

"that she hasn't read the classics."

No, I have a God-given right to fuck morons!

Wait, the monocle. Where did he get the monocle?

He must have bought it. No way he unlocked that already.

He bought the monocle?

That's like ?20 of money,

20 actual money pounds.

Holy shit, he's just bought the tri-wing!

Jesus Christ, this guy's loaded.

Guys, I just had a potentially unpleasant idea.

I'm all ears. I'm literally one giant ear.

We murder the clacksman.

MEG SIGHS

Alison, can I ask you something? Hmm.

So I met a guy at work who I like, in the sense

that I want to smash myself relentlessly

into his privates.

But he started playing Kingdom Scrolls and he's quite

annoying so now I'm thinking about maybe killing him and stealing

all of his gold so we could buy some really cool weapons.

Sorry, killing him? Oh.

In a cave.

With ham...

With hammers?

Stealthy, also more visceral. Yeah, OK, with hammers.

Right, so what was it you wanted to ask me exactly?

I don't know, really, it's just good to get another brain on it.

No, sure. Because it sounds a bit - and I am just floating this here -

a bit horrible?

It's just a game, though.

I still want to shag him.

I just think you might be sending a mixed message there, Meg.

"I know I killed you in a cave with a hammer, but let's go to Prezzo."

Yeah, but we have to grind a lot, Alison, and this guy's got tonnes

of gold. So if we rob him, I could buy a new shield,

level up more quickly, get back to the citadel, but also you do

need to feed the beast in the basement, Alison,

because she needs her nutrients and she is growling.

On the other hand, a new shield, something with actual

frost resistance and everything that offers me strategically...

I see your dilemma, there.

It's a real bean scratcher.

But basically you're saying I should just gank him and see what happens?

I don't think I'm saying gank him, no.

Great. Thank you, Alison.

MEG SIGHS Did you..?

Did you just sneer at my dinner?

No, I just looked at it.

Yeah. OK, Alison, I believe you.

Meg, what do you think about the What flute?

I'm thinking of learning to play the flute.

You really want to know Mmm.

I think it's a colossal waste of Thanks, Meg.

Heads up, just locked back in.

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

DOOR SLAMS

Enjoy your dinner.

Meg, get him on the chat.

Russell, how's it going?

I'm riding a dragon and I'm wearing a crown.

I'm having a terrible time.

I'm not, that was a joke, I love it!

So I was thinking we could head down to the Cave of Souls.

Yeah, I heard there was maybe some treasure down there.

I heard that too, and a big golden sword.

I need a sword.

What are we waiting for, guys, let's go.

Why have you all got all hammers?

Oh, we were just doing a bit of DIY.

Ooh.

So, Russell, did you maybe want to get coffee sometime?

Like Wednesday?

Erm... OK, then.

Great, let's log that in the diary immediately regardless

of what may or may not be about to happen.

That is logged in the diary.

Well, here we are.

It's a treasure hunt.

Where's all the treasure?

Oh, maybe it's under this rock.

OK, who wants to start? Me.

GIRL: Daddy, my eyes are weeping.

No, but that's good, sweet pea!

That's the eye washing itself.

OK, where were we?

GIRL: I can't open my eye, Daddy.

Usman, do you need to go?

It's fine, she gets it, she totally gets it.

GIRL: I'm trying to do my own eye drops, Daddy,

but they're just running all over my face.

Oh, boy, when is my fricking wife home?

I have to go.

I'm truly sorry.

Enjoy.

God, this is a really hard treasure hunt because I can not

see it anywhere.

Oh, yeah, that's weird, isn't it?

Now!

Argh!

What's happening?

Urgh!

Urgh!

Why are you hitting me with hammers?

Why isn't he dying?!

Aim for his head, he'll die quicker.

Can you hear me?

I think you're hitting me.

Put your hands down! Stop defending yourself,

you're making it worse!

Why are you hitting me?!

You should stop that, really.

MEG GROANS

Urgh.

Grab his stuff.

Yeah, he's got gold, get the gold.

I think he had potions.

Why are you taking my things?!

Why is he still on the chat?!

Ignore him, just get the stuff.

Do I take his shoes?

Take everything! OK, let's just go.

Oh, fuck!

Right. Well, bye, then, Meg.

I guess I'll see you at work.

That's a pity.

KETTLE BURBLES

So, how did it go last night?

Yeah, good, thanks.

Got the gold, bought a new shield.

All is good within the hood.

So you did it then?

You murdered that man?

That we did, that we did.

Well done.

I thank you.

And how did he take it?

The murder?

On the chin, overall. Hmm.

I mean, he sounded quite upset, but I think he was just doing

that to try and get us to stop. Right.

And, I mean, the game lets you do it, so how horrible

Hmm.

Although I have walked in on you hacking up old women.

Yeah, but they're hags, to be fair.

Yeah, no, sure.

Hags.

Plus we've all done horrible things.

Haven't we, Alison?

Because I seem to remember you calling Mrs Tully, quote,

"A fat shit."

In primary school, Meg. What?

I'm just saying, Alison, we've all done stuff.

All of us.

Yeah, I'd already bought it when I asked you.

Whoo.

So you're just going to do it, are you?

Learn the flute?

Nah, go for it.

I mean, you are already bilingual, nice car, hot boyfriend, why not?

Good luck.

Because you'll fucking need it.

DOOR SLAMS

TUNEFUL SOUND

Ah! Oh.

NICKY LAUGHS

"Ooh, shall I take his shoes?!"

I can't believe I took his shoes!

NICKY LAUGHS

Oh, wait, here he comes. Morning, Russell.

How's your head this morning?

Probably got some dents in it, I imagine.

Probably got some dents in it, I From all the hammering.

Good one!

Did he laugh?

No.

He did not laugh, no.

He actually looks quite sad.

Oh, right.

Hey-ho, another bridge burnt.

Anyhoo, back to the grind.

Meg?

Meg, hello?

Megan? Me-eg?

MEG!

Yeah, deal, megadeal.

I just did a megadeal.

I brought you a cup of water.

Has it got hammers in it?

Oh, come on, you're not seriously in a mood about some stupid game?

What?! No, it's fine, I'm fine.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for ganking you and stealing your sandals.

I'll give it all back.

Even though we did win it all in combat.

Seriously, it's OK because there is one thing you should know about me,

is that I get mugged a lot.

Who gets mugged? I'll tell you who.

Muggins, muggins gets muggings.

I once got mugged in my own kitchen, Meg.

My own kitchen!

What a world we live in.

SCRAPING INSTRUMENTAL NOTE

OK, what are you doing?

I'm trying to kill a...

..sand crab with a banjo.

Why?

Erm, I'm starving,

and someone stole all my weapons.

Fine! I'll show you the basics, give you a few combat lessons. Shift.

So what was the story about the Red.

Red spawn, headed up by the hive mother who is essentially a sort

of female Putin who sits on a luminescent egg sac and she...

You're probably going to need a pen. If you...

..just..

ANIMAL GROANS

THUDDING

Oh, my God!

That is the sweetest sound.

My wife is home.

Free at last, free at last!

Usman! What happened to her eye?!

Why is Caitlin in a box?!

OK. First of all, welcome home.

Second of all, that is not a box, honey.

That is a cot with a lid.

So, Castle Black Finger is ours once again.

I think we're almost ready, Nicky.

Ready to storm the citadel and defeat the hive mother.

I mean, I guess we have to because we made a vow.

Mmm, the sacred napkin.

I think maybe I've still got it somewhere.

"We the undersigned do solemnly swear to complete

Kingdom Scrolls together."

We're finally going to do it.

Two years and we're actually going to finish the adventure.

This is the culmination of everything.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oh, I need a tea! Whoo!

Do you want one? OK.

OK, here comes his opening rush.

And it's gone.

And on with the grind.

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