Original subtitles

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend... (squeals)

The wedding is in two weeks!

I had sex with Tanya.

You don't live here anymore.

Please give me another chance.

You need to earn back my trust.

I'm ready to do the work.

Oh, watching you and Madison together,

I had a big breakthrough.

We should have a baby.

We should have sex. What?

NATHANIEL: I know. I'm shocked, too.

TRENT: Rebecca Bunch's past, please.

Here you go.

You just called me Robert.

JOSH: Being a priest is dope.

Did Jesus ever give you any reason to, like,

have doubts? No.

I have questions about Rebecca,

and I don't know if they're real questions

or if I have the jitters.

So find Rebecca.

Ask her your questions.

And Eagle is gone.

Josh is leaving me

to become a priest?

PAULA: Rebecca! Stop!

Josh Chan must be destroyed.

*

(sighs)

Anything?

Maya.

Don't yell at me.

I haven't asked about her today yet.

Read the sign with me, Maya.

MAYA/PAULA: "I don't know where Rebecca is.

"Stop asking me.

"After we agreed to destroy Josh Chan,

"Rebecca excused herself to pee

"and I haven't heard from her since.

"I do know she's alive

"because she liked my Ice Bucket Challenge video

from three years ago."

I know, but, Paula, that sign really skimps

on her interiority.

And we all have so many questions.

It's been two weeks.

Was there somebody else?

Is Josh really becoming a priest?

Why didn't that bitch invite me to the wedding?

Enough! I wish I had answers, but I don't!

I don't know where she is!

Go!

Get... Go!

(Paula groans)

*

* A scandal has rocked our village of West Covina *

* West Covina

* A woman's life was ruined and now no one's seen her *

* No one's seen her

* The town is all atwitter

* 'Cause the whole town is on Twitter *

* Posing a question that's never-ending *

* In the form of a hashtag that's been trending *

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

* Is she out to brunch? No?

* Then where's Rebecca Bunch?

* She's always been insecure

* But now she's been rejected by Josh Chan *

* So where's Rebecca Bunch?

* But, also, where's a woman's pride without her man? *

* Man, man, man

*

* There's gossip going on from Riverside to Encino *

* Encino

* Of the Jewish chick who got dumped by the ripped Filipino *

* Filipino

* Think of all the beautiful china on her registry *

* Now it will never be on her shelf *

* I wonder how she's feeling since Josh sent her reeling *

* If I were her, I'd kill meself *

You're fired again, George.

Aw, son of a...

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

I have a hunch!

ALL: Yeah?

No, I just liked the rhyme.

* We've been asking the same question *

* Since this tale of woe began

#WheresRebeccaBunch?

ALL: No!

* Where's a woman's pride

* Without her man?

* Man, man, man, man, man...

*

* Who am I now?

* What will I be?

* My reason for living

* Has abandoned me

* I can't stay here forever

* But I also can't bear

* Going back to my life

* Facing pity and stares

* I said Josh Chan must be destroyed *

* Then I ran away

* Like some scared little boy *

* I want revenge for my broken heart *

* But I'm so devastated I don't know where to start *

* My defenses are down

* After his sneak attack

* Do I let him win

* Or do I fight back?

* Fight back

* Fight back

* Fight back

*

* Where's Rebecca Bunch? Where's Rebecca Bunch? *

* Where's Rebecca Bunch?

* I know what I have to do

* Where's Rebecca Bunch? Where's Rebecca Bunch? *

* Is she out to brunch?

* I have to transform

* We're so frenetic

* From a victim

* She's pathetic

* To a woman scorned

* A woman scorned

* A scandal has rocked our village *

* Of West Covina

* West Covina

* A woman's life was ruined

* And now no one's seen her *

* No one's seen her

* Is she still paying rent?

* Does she have a plan?

* And where's a woman's pride, a woman's pride *

* A woman's pride

* Without her man?

* Man, man, oh, man, oh, man. *

SCOTT: So, no word from Rebecca yet?

No. I-I think she needs just a couple of days

to process everything.

Poor thing, she has been through so much.

Love has not been kind to her.

Yeah, not everyone can be as lucky as we are.

We're getting a second chance

after my horrible mistake, thank God.

Yeah, we are. And I have to thank you.

You've been just so great

about all these rules and... Oh, by the way,

did you remember to sign in last night?

Because I was so busy I forgot to check.

Come on. Of course I did.

I want to restore our marital trust.

Ooh, who signed in early

every day this week?

Good job.

Thanks. I'm excited about this rule here.

"Scott sleeps on the couch until he passes

the lie-detector test three times."

I've only got one test left,

and back in the bed.

Yep. Uh-huh.

Yep.

But, you know what? First you have to pass it.

And the questions are, like, no joke

on the last test-- just a heads-up.

I'm ready.

Okay, I am just...

I'm just checking.

You're-you're okay, you're fine with all this, right?

Are you kidding? Yes. Right.

Our plan gets rid of all the guilt.

It spells it all out. No confusion.

(sighs)

TIM: I'm so confused.

Who called this meeting again?

I don't know, I just got an anonymous

Google Calendar invite.

Okay, who is wasting my time with a stupid meeting?

Hmm? And what was up with the subject line--

"Insidious Business"?

Is this you, Darryl? Hmm?

It makes so little sense, it seems like a you thing.

Does it? Mm-hmm.

I have a "me" thing?

What are some of my other "me" things?

Asking a lot of questions, is that a "me" thing?

Wait, so nobody knows what this is?

Mm-mm. Yeah, okay, I'm out of here.

REBECCA: Not so fast, mama.

(gasps) What?

Wow.

I know, my hair is dark, so I look evil,

but I'm wearing white, which is ironic.

That's not why we're surprised.

Okay, we haven't seen you in two weeks,

and suddenly you're spinning around in some big chair?

Okay, yes, that's also surprising.

I'm so glad you're all right.

Paula, Paula, I'm trying to do a thing.

Oh, sorry, honey.

I'm watching.

Do you want to turn around again?

No. Why would I... Okay. Okay.

How long have you been here?

Oh, since 5:00 a.m.

I had to get here early for the big reveal.

Brought my own chair,

hope you like it.

But I'm not tired.

I've been catnapping.

So...

...you've all been wondering where I've been.

Oh, yes, I saw the locally trending hashtag.

Well, the answer is

I've been going through a metamorphosis of sorts.

I have emerged...

Ooh. ...from the cocoon

of female submission

as a scorned butterfly, dagger in hand.

Okay, you know what? Show's over.

Kids, let's get back to work, hmm?

Miss Bunch, can I speak with you, please?

Um, I'm actually in the next meeting.

I have an alert...

When will you start acting like you work for me? Hmm?

Go, go, go, let's go.

Okay, all right, okay.

Go, go!

(clears throat) I know that you've had a tough time.

Hmm? Um, but that doesn't mean

that you cannot answer calls

or texts or e-mails.

Or write a thank-you note for a basket

of soothing bath salts and artisanal pears

that I might have dropped off at your door.

Oh, my God, Nathaniel.

Did you send me a bunch of weird, girly crap?

You were worried about me.

Oh, boop!

That's adorable. You're adorable.

I mean, it's kind of sad and unsexy,

but you're adorable.

(clears throat) You are, um...

...very different.

I am. Oh, I am.

I am invincible.

There's a flame burning around me.

Uh-huh.

Now, I booked this room for the next meeting,

so (snaps fingers) get out of here.

Uh, for which case?

(sighs)

The most important case of my life.

Now, seriously, get out of here.

But, um, walk slowly.

I want to watch those pants move.

(sighs)

(birds singing)

(sighs)

I've never gotten a Google Cal invite before.

Where did you get those clothes?

Off a scarecrow, so...

You look nice.

Thanks. I have a meeting

with a bride and groom to plan their wedding.

They're from Calabasas. I think they're loaded.

Cool. I can't wait to hear how we're gonna

get back at Josh.

Rebecca said she had the perfect plan.

You know, I was worried about her, but she looks dynamite,

and she seems very focused.

Great. I love drama...

(throat clearing)

(gasping) Mm. Oh!

Look at you! Someone call the fire department.

Get it, girl!

She fine!

What else can we say that we don't usually say?

Oh. Hello. Hello. Thank you for meeting me here.

I'm sure you've been confused

about what's happening, so, to recap:

After the wedding, was I thrown for a loop? Yes.

Yes, of course I was.

Did I question the nature of not only my own existence,

but existence itself?

Yes, of course.

So? So.

Mm.

I went on a retreat,

and I took some time to blue sky, workshop, ideate and,

most importantly,

transform.

And I formulated a plan.

A plan to destroy Josh Chan.

The Chan Plan, as it were.

PAULA: Ooh. Hmm.

Wow. Right? It's so cool.

Okay. So. (clears throat)

First, I asked myself,

what type of revenge,

or as the French say, révenge...

Actually, the French don't say that,

the word for revenge is vengeance,

but that sounds like a cheese or something.

So anyway, what type of révenge

are we seeking? And the answer to that

is something tactile, something visceral.

Something that says "I matter, and you, Josh Chan, do not."

And I have just the thing.

Ooh, this sounds delicious.

Oh, can you not use "delicious" in that way?

It creeps me out; it feels like someone just licked me.

Just tell us your idea, I'm so excited.

My réveng is deceptively simple and devious.

It's a tactic that has been used by victims of injustice

throughout human history.

Mm.

I'm speaking, of course, of coprophagia.

It's poop. It's poop stuff.

Yeah.

What?

I'm gonna mail him my poop,

but tell him it's cupcakes.

DARRYL: What is that smell?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay. So, most protein bars

are just candy-coated sugar.

But these bars are different.

These bars contain

the purest, the most powerful form

of protein on Earth.

Ant protein. Is that true?

I have no idea. But I do know

that ants are strong as hell.

Anyway, okay.

Give it a try. I want your notes,

I want your honest opinion. Give it to me.

Mm.

No, I like it. Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely getting the ants. Okay.

But I'm also getting caraway. Uh-huh.

And date. Yes.

Oh. Holy hell, here comes the cinnamon.

Mm. It's good?

Oh, yeah. You like it?

Oh, it's amazing. (laughs)

All right. I don't have a name yet, but I, uh...

I think after two years, I've finally nailed the recipe.

It's amazing. I am so proud of you, baby.

You are taking this idea from conception to birth

through childhood,

to a really moving high school graduation,

where it makes a speech about its two cool dads.

Are you kidding me? What?

Darryl, there is nothing I can say

that you can't turn into a parenting metaphor.

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

It just pops out of me headfirst.

Oh, my God. Sorry.

I can't talk about this anymore.

We have talked birth to death.

Look, you're right.

You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Okay?

Maybe we need help.

Maybe we need to see a therapist.

Or, you could, um, just stop it?

If you don't think that therapists are "cool,"

maybe we could do something a little more current.

You know? Maybe we could go see a life coach or a psychic.

Or an essential oil specialist. (inhales)

Okay, none of those are things.

Tell that to my Reiki practitioner,

who figured out that I have a ghost in my foot.

Okay, Darryl, right now,

my life is about getting people to eat these dead ants.

Once that happens, then maybe

we can start talking about other stuff.

Don't you ladies get it? So I'm gonna write

on the package,

"Delicious cupcakes inside,

do not smell before eating."

He will be forced to unwittingly eat...

Okay, you have to, you have to stop.

You said you had, like, a whole plan.

Is the poop thing step one?

Like, he accidentally

eats the poop and then takes a step back

and falls down a flight of stairs,

and there's a dead body there, and he thinks he killed it,

and we plant the evidence.

That's good. That's very good.

Yes. Thank you.

No. You've got-- wow, wow, you guys are way overthinking this.

Okay, so...

(laughs)

The root of this idea

is I have figurative crap on my face, and he's crap.

So he deserves to eat it.

You mean, like, metaphorically.

Oh. Yeah.

No! No. No--

no, like, literally.

It's like, "Eat my cupcakes, Josh Chan,

like the piece of crap you are."

Y-Yes, right?

Yes-- do you get--

do you get it now? Do you get it?

You know I love that idea.

I love it.

But maybe we just, I don't know,

toss around some other ideas.

There's got to be something else

in that...

very big brain of yours.

Oh, wow, I wasn't prepared with...

I mean, I have other ideas-- that one's my favorite-- but...

I mean, I don't know if I want to share

any more ideas with you guys.

Like, this doesn't feel like a safe space anymore.

It just feels like, you know,

you haven't even heard my first idea.

Oh, no, we heard it.

But we just didn't like it.

See? See? You see?

You're just against anything that I...

I-I pitch right now.

Ooh, okay, okay. No, no, no.

No. That's... listen,

just tell us your idea,

and we, we will love it.

Right?

We promise.

(exhales)

Okay.

Okay, okay.

So this next idea

is actually better than the first, so:

it's sexy, it's dangerous, it's clickbait.

Ooh.

Hello, is this Casting Call Magazine?

Yes, I'd like to place an ad.

I'm a producer/writer/director.

And I'm looking to cast someone

who looks exactly like my ex-fiancé.

(laughs) No, it's not for a TV or film,

it's for something better.

Confidentially,

I'm going to be making a fake sex tape

in which my ex-fiancé appears to be say he hates Jesus,

ruining his reputation

and making everyone hate him because he left me at the altar

to become a priest.

Great idea, right?

Le révenge!

What does he look like?

Yes, he is Filipino, about five-eight,

but I will take any Asian you have.

So you guys are making a porno?

No, no. It is a fake sex tape.

Okay? She's getting a fake Josh, they're gonna have fake sex,

and then, he's gonna fakely say that he hates Jesus.

Wow. Horrible idea.

But-- how would that even work?

Uh, it wouldn't, because it is the worst idea of all time.

Her other ideas, though,

they were even worse, if you could believe it.

They were literally crap.

(sighs) She's not thinking straight.

So we all decided,

let's humor her,

let her get it out of her system,

metabolize these emotions while yelling at a fake Josh.

While she's doing fake Josh?

No! Oh.

No. It will never get that far.

Once she realizes how ridiculous the whole thing is,

she will not go through with it.

This will stop well short of any sex,

real or fake.

Speaking of sex, let's, uh, strap this thing on, eh?

I can't wait

to pass this test.

(laughs) Then we're back to being a real married couple,

sleeping in the same bed.

Not so fast, buster.

The third round is the most intense.

I call it "The Ring of Fire."

All right.

(whirring)

(exhales)

Let's begin.

Have you seen Tanya since the incident?

Yes, at work.

Do you talk to Tanya?

Occasionally, if the work requires, I...

Yes or no? The-the answer's yes,

I have to sometimes.

When you talk to her,

do you flirt?

Do you touch her arm?

Does she giggle?

Does she wear that back support brace that pushes up her boobs?

Does she shake her tail feather for you?

I-- I-I... Answer the questions, buster.

The answers are no, no,

sometimes, but I'm very funny. (laughs)

Uh, um, yes, but only because of her scoliosis,

and... what's a tail feather?

(sighs)

Do you find Tanya attractive?

Um...

Yes? I guess I do?

I-I did the thing with her.

More attractive than me? No.

Do you love Tanya? No.

Are you lying? You tell me.

Well, it looks like...

you passed.

Oh, my God.

Great.

Uh... (chuckles)

Can I move my eye mask and pajama boxers back into the bed?

That is what the contract says, so I guess so.

(laughs)

And maybe tonight we, uh...

Oh, my God, look at the time.

I have auditions for the porno.

Uh, the-the sex tape.

The fake sex tape,

that I... is never gonna happen.

(laughing): Okay. Uh...

Bye! (door closes)

REBECCA: Next.

ACTOR: I hate Jesus!

No, no, no, you're doing it wrong.

Okay.

(exhales) So the point of this scene,

the reason I wrote this sex tape,

is because mid-coitus is when one's true feelings come out.

Okay? So we have to believe that Josh Chan truly hates Jesus,

and that pure, utter hatred,

it explodes out of him with a sexual and euphoric passion.

All right, no. Next!

The waters are not for the actors!

And don't forget to sign the non-disclosure agreement, okay?

Can't have that guy blogging about this.

Come on, Rebecca.

I mean, maybe if you didn't, like, yell at all of them.

Uh, oh, I'm sorry, Heather.

I'm the one who has to be in bed with these guys.

Yeah, and why does it have to be you?

You don't have any lines.

Verisimilitude.

It has to be me to sell the concept.

All right, who's this guy? Well, this guy did...

(British accent): Hello, I'm Colin Crowley.

Wonderful to meet you. I'm here for the read.

Really excited about the material.

Yeah.

Wow. He looks just like Josh.

That could be his brother.

It's uncanny.

Okay, um, one second.

(quietly): I know what you ladies are thinking,

but I really would love to give this role to an American.

Ooh, um, my American is spot-on.

Okay. (exhales)

(under breath): One, two, three, four, five, six.

All right, okay, um...

(varying American accents): You want, eh, Chicago?

New York? Um, Louisiana?

Um, Texas?

(normal British accent): Or do you want, um...

(Californian accent): Southern California, dude?

(gasps) (laughing): Wow.

We have an Olivier here.

Oh, I booked it, mate. Sorry.

Cheers, though.

Okay, we are done with the auditions.

We found our man.

Feel free to give up on your dreams

and move back to your hometowns.

Okay.

Nathaniel, what are you...?

What's going on here?

Dude, okay, so,

when are we stopping this charade?

It's getting so weird.

I didn't think we were gonna

find someone who's, like, a shave

and a nose job away from being Josh.

It's starting to freak me out.

Yeah, I knew we were gonna wait for her to come to her senses,

but can we slap some sense into her already?

We need to put a stop to this.

No, I know it feels like we're riding the edge of a razor,

but I'm telling you, as a parent,

the more you forbid it, the more they want it,

so we just got to ride it out. Yeah.

(groans)

(exhaling): God.

What are all these guys doing here?

I don't know. You have to sign an NDA before I tell you that.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just, uh, was just running by,

and, um, phone died, so, you know, thought maybe I could,

uh, come in and juice it up.

Ugh, "running by"? But you live across town.

Wait.

Wow.

The old my-phone- ran-out-of-juice, really?

Listen, buddy... (chuckles)

...you're talking to the queen of,

"I just happened to be here."

Okay, I get what's happening.

Listen, I know we kissed, and you helped me with my dad

and you are clearly developing

some kind of sparkly, little-girl,

heart, twinkly feelings for me...

(chuckles) ...but then I came back

as this espresso-haired vixen

and you feel low status,

which I get. I get it, okay?

Status reversals, ugh, they are confusing,

and arousing and it's probably never happened to you before,

so now you are understandably obsessed with me.

No, that's not it at all.

Okay? Not at all.

No? Really?

No.

You're not mesmerized by my sudden lack of interest

and my cold, unavailable vibe?

No.

Yeah? Huh, interesting,

'cause your thin shorts say otherwise.

Oh, listen.

Listen, buddy. (groans)

I would be happy to take you for a tumble sometime...

(clears throat) ...but right now,

so just move along. Yeah.

(exhales)

Dude.

Auditions are over.

You can take the banana out of your pants.

Wheel of Fortune | was good tonight.

Yeah. All the big hitters were there tonight.

Ooh. "R."

"S." Yeah.

"T." Mm-hmm.

"E." Yeah.

I'd like to buy a kiss.

(both chuckle)

Okay.

Babe, I've really missed you.

I missed you, too.

Scott.

Paula.

Mm.

No, don't call me Paula.

Call me Tanya.

What? No, just do it.

Call me Tanya.

I have no idea what that was

and I never want to discuss it.

Honk, honk! Honk, honk!

(chuckles) I don't know what sound anteaters make,

but here, have a protein bar.

Thanks.

You, sir.

Here, big fella.

They're, uh, 52 grams

of pure insect power!

Aah, wow.

Huh? Huh? (chuckles)

This is what you meant when you texted "surprise time"?

Yes. Okay, okay.

Here goes.

You needed a name for your bars,

so I went to the trademark office

and these are the ones that were taken.

"Ant Time,

"Ant Protein Time, Supergood Insect Protein Time,

Supergood Ant Time." Okay.

But then I realized, if you eat ants, that makes you an...

...an anteater. Huh? Anteater, yeah.

So, I went with that and then

I talked to Manuel who does graphics for us and...

voilà.

You took my bars out of your fridge?

You left them there for a reason.

That's what my dream interpreter said.

Oh, my God. And by the way,

I got a totally new guy, 'cause Reiki is baloney.

So, yes, I took them, and I did all this,

and people love them

and now your career is on its way,

so you can move on to tinier, cuter things.

Ah, there it is.

The baby thing again. God.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry.

I mean, I know, I said I was gonna try harder

and I messed up.

Honk, honk.

What can I do?

Don't do that. Don't do anything.

Honk?

Maybe we do need a therapist.

I'll get one, a real one.

None of this Reiki nonsense.

PAULA: I was scared to death to have sex with him

and then that happened.

Let me get this straight.

You told Scott to call you Tanya in bed?

Yeah, it's horrifying.

But the sex was amazing.

How can that be? I hate Tanya.

Well, sounds like the only way you can feel sexy right now

is to imitate the female he chose instead of you.

Like, you feel insecure,

so you want to be the transgressive "harlot"

he temporarily desired over you.

Wow. What class did you learn that in?

Oh, that's just me.

I'm thinking about becoming a life coach

or maybe a mime.

I just put body makeup on a man's butt crack.

Yeah. He's very sweaty. It took forever.

He smells like pencil shavings and vinegar.

Are we really going through with this? This feels too far.

Hold, sister, hold. Stay the course.

Rebecca is gonna realize it's the wrong path.

It's just, it can't come from us.

Excuse me, is there a P.A. to fetch me a bagel?

I'm a bit peckish, eh?

Oh, come on. Rebecca's gonna come out,

take one look at that dude in a towel and freak out.

REBECCA: All right.

I'm ready. Let's do this.

Okay, so, I tried all the stuff you gave me, Valencia,

and it just, it didn't work.

You know, I tried the pasties and the bandeau,

the nude bodysuit, the green-screen underwear,

but I just, I can't feel inhibited right now.

Okay? If I'm gonna have fake sex with fake Josh,

it has to feel real.

Wait.

W-W-Wait, okay.

Okay, hear me out.

If authenticity is what we're going for,

I mean, shouldn't we just do it for real?

Yeah, let's just do it for real.

Um, okay.

Someone get me a condom. They are in my dresser.

Actually, we may not need to use condoms.

Paula, look up the statutes

for porn in the state of California for condom use.

You know what? Let's do one with a condom, one without a condom,

that way we've covered our bases.

Okay, we're done. We're done.

That's a wrap on the fake sex tape.

What?!

Uh, Rebecca, put some clothes on.

Sir... Ow, my vagina.

Sir, I'm gonna call it for today.

Um, my best to Princess Kate, the new people's princess.

Rebecca.

This is not a good plan!

Even if you hurt Josh,

you're gonna hurt yourself more.

You'll be exposing yourself publically.

You'll be humiliated.

Why would you put yourself out like that?

Because I don't care what happens to me.

I don't.

I mean, God, okay,

I guess I don't want to get, like, "in trouble,"

but also I don't care.

I don't care.

And I don't...

(takes deep breath)

I guess I thought that if I could be near a Josh,

just even a fake one,

that-that-that-that things would become clear, you know?

Because I haven't seen

the real Josh since before he left me at the altar.

I haven't seen him or talked to him

and I just thought that if I made the sex tape,

and maybe he could see the tape,

and he would know and this was what?

This was a horrible idea.

Honey. (cries)

Honey.

You know that we are all here to help you take down Josh,

but we are not gonna help you

take down yourself at the same time.

COLIN: (clears throat) Sorry to interrupt,

but I never did get my bagel. Also, um,

if you're interested, I had a couple of line tweaks

to make Josh a more sympathetic character.

Oh, hell no. (laughs) This guy.

Get out. Do you know Josh?

Bye. I don't think you know Josh.

You need new headshots. Get your check in the mail.

(groans)

Uh, thank you for seeing us on such short notice, Dr. Akopian.

Yeah, we've heard wonderful things.

Oh, thank you.

You might be thinking of my wife.

Her Yelp reviews are off the charts.

Please call me Davit.

Uh, what can I help you with?

Well, he's annoyed because I wore an anteater costume,

but for a very good reason.

I just wanted to help your business.

That is not why you did it.

You did it because you're trying to pressure me

into having a baby, even though I don't know

if I ever want to do that.

So now you hate babies. Oh, my God.

Can we back up? I heard "anteater"?

That can't be right.

Exactly. That's exactly my point.

He takes everything to the extreme.

I didn't say I hate babies.

You're too emotional, Darryl.

You get so excited about a baby

or about my ant-based protein bars,

and you go from, like, zero to a thousand.

That is not fair.

It is fair, dude.

You found out that a distant relative

was Native American, and you had your last name

changed to "Whitefeather" the next day.

And now we have to get to the airport, like, three hours early

because none of your IDs match-- it's ridiculous.

First of all, those are my people.

And second of all, that's just who I am,

enthusiastic, and you chose me knowing that.

I thought you liked it.

I do like it, but also,

sometimes it drives me nuts.

So you just think I'm an idiot.

No, I... You're doing it again.

Well, maybe I am an idiot.

But you know what? This idiot, in two days,

has done more with your idea

than you've done in two years. Okay...

This idiot co-owns a very successful law firm.

Okay, successful law firm, and is a magnificent father.

Now, look, I know that I got way out ahead of you with the baby,

and I'm sorry, and I'll stop it.

But I'm a catch. Start acting like it.

You know what?

You're right.

I'm sorry. Maybe I have been...

a little judgy

of you.

Huh. My friends all say I'm judgy,

but I never listen to them or care what they say

because they're stupid idiots.

I'm sorry, D.

Men are the worst, aren't they?

Awful. So entitled.

Josh Chan, fake Josh Chan, all of them.

They always make everything about them.

PAULA: That's exactly what I'm saying.

The reason we're in this situation

is because men are so terrible.

Don't get mestarted on men.

Don't get me started | on men.

Don't get me started on men.

(all sigh)

*

They're horrible. Oh, my God.

Drink a lot more. Yeah.

*

* Right now we're angry and sad *

* It's our right to get righteously mad *

* At every member of the opposite sex *

* Oh, God, we hate them

That's what I'm saying. Yes.

All I'm saying...

* Let's not distinguish between them at all *

* Let's just drink a lot more alcohol *

* And then high five each other *

* As we make a bunch of blanket statements *

* Let's generalize about men *

* Let's generalize about men

* Let's take one bad thing about one man *

* And apply it to all of them *

* Let's conflate all the guys *

* Let's generalize about men *

ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug...

* All men are completely repressed *

* Uh-huh *

* All men only want to have sex *

* There are no exceptions

* All three billion men are like this *

* All 3.6 billion men *

* All men are emotionally stunted *

* When asked how they feel

* Every man's always grunted

And why do men never listen and only think about themselves?

* As opposed to women, who always listen *

* And never think about themselves *

* Ooh, I hear ya, girl

* Let's generalize about men *

* Let's generalize about men

* Let's get super lit and not admit *

* This is some kind of primal ritual *

* We need now and then

* Maybe our spirits will rise

* If we generalize about men *

* All men are stupid and childish *

* Even the ones who are smart and mature *

* All every man does every day *

* Is watch porn, eat wings

* Burp, fart, and snore

Hey, what about gay men?

Oh, no, they're fine.

* Gay men are all really great *

* Every single one

* They're never mean, just sassy *

* They're all completely

* Adorable and fun

* So let's focus for now on straight men *

* Let's just generalize about them *

* They're all monsters

* They're murderers * They're rapists

* Totally

Wait, I have sons.

* Your sons are gonna be rapists. *

(music ends)

Oh...

I don't know, it's like the rational part of my brain

isn't working lately.

You guys are right.

My ideas have been awful. And it's weird because,

you know, I'm usually so brilliant.

Yeah, yeah, and that is one of the things

that I am really mad at Josh about.

He turned the smartest person I know into

a sad, wannabe porn star.

Brutal, but true.

Huh, trutal.

(laughter)

That's good. These are really good.

Yeah, Josh... Josh is the worst

You know, I can't even book another wedding because of him.

His jilting you

has completely ruined my business.

I swear, I should totally sue his ass or something.

(laughter)

Sue him, that's funny.

Wait, no, no, no.

(gasps) Sue him.

That's actually a really interesting idea.

There is tons of case law that justifies

suing him on behalf of Rebecca

on, like... on, like, several fronts.

Breach of contract, alienation of affection.

Financial damages.

Whoa, that's such a smart idea, Paula.

Thank you.

Actually, it was my idea.

Oh, my God, it's perfect! It's perfect.

You get to humiliate Josh publicly,

you get to maintain your dignity,

and you become a hero in the process.

Oh, my God, Cookie, the answer was

right under our noses.

Yeah, God, that's... that's a great idea.

I mean, that's hard to argue

why that isn't the perfect idea.

Well... yeah!

Like, the perfect...

Oh, feeling my mojo coming back. (laughter)

Yeah, it is. Oh, I can feel it.

That idea is brilliant.

It's b... it's brilliant. I'm brilliant.

It's so... You're so smart.

It was my idea. Can't anyone hear me?

Why didn't we think of that before?

You're amazing.

One up top.

Am I dead?

(gasps)

How did I die?

(bedroom door opens)

(whispering): Hey.

Hey, hey, wake up.

Wake up, it's me.

(chuckles)

I am so horny.

Oh, okay. (chuckles)

Uh, uh, babe?

I don't want to call you Tanya this time.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

That was... that was horrible.

That was so bad.

Because I don't want Tanya.

Oh, that's good, though, 'cause I killed her.

(groans)

(laughing): Kidding. I'm kidding.

(laughs) No, I'm not.

Yes, I am. Listen.

Shh, babe, babe,

I just came up with the best idea ever.

I am so cool. (laughs)

So, come on, baby...

call me Paula.

Hey.

Wha...

Sorry. Um, I will... think about the baby thing.

What? Oh...

Okay, just wanted to say that.

So, I'm gonna go. By the way,

this thing is amazing.

You were right all along. I should have never doubted you.

I've already gotten, like, 500 pre-orders, so.

I have some ants to kill.

Honk, honk. (chuckles)

(exhales)

Okay, what we have to show the jury, though,

is proximate cause, to wit,

how long in advance did Josh plan to ruin your wedding?

Okay, are we talking specific intent or negligence?

Speaking of negligence, I've been meaning to ask you,

who's Robert? Sorry, who?

Is that relevant to the case?

You said his name out loud on the cliff,

with all those other abandoning turds.

And, you know, you seemed really upset about it, and...

Right, right, so, Robert was my dog.

And it was a dog I loved, and he was a male dog.

And he ran away and just left me one day.

They're all monsters.

Mm-hmm. Hi, are you Rebecca?

Yeah...

I'm Nathaniel's date. He wanted you to see me,

so, this is what I look like.

That... that is not what I said, okay?

I was very specific about what I wanted

with Casting Call | magazine.

Can I have a bottle of water? Oh, my God.

NATHANIEL: Get out.

WOMAN: So stupid... Come on, come on.

That's...

Okay, I don't know what that was...

I do, but it's... Honestly, it's so heartbreaking

I can't... I can't even...

Anyway, this is so fun.

You and me, plus the law--

we are unstoppable.

And this révenge,

this will actually make you feel better, I know it.

Oh, my God, totally. Like, what could be more

emotionally satisfying than parsing the fine points

of tortious interference?

(laughing): Right?

And this is gonna make you feel so much better

than pooping in a plastic container.

Totally. I'm so glad

you got that out of your system.

I mean, it was just,

it was so silly and not smart.

I know, it was just me being, like, kind of a sad,

desperate child acting out.

So, this is way better.

*

(laughing)

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