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1
00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:04,172
Previously
on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
(squeals)
2
00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:05,373
The wedding is in two weeks!
3
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:06,707
I had sex with Tanya.
4
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:09,077
You don't live here anymore.
5
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,045
Please give me
another chance.
6
00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:12,380
You need to earn back my trust.
7
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:14,082
I'm ready to do the work.
8
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,383
Oh, watching you and
Madison together,
9
00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:17,251
I had a big breakthrough.
10
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:18,452
We should have a baby.
11
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,189
We should have sex.
What?
12
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:22,556
NATHANIEL:
I know. I'm shocked, too.
13
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,225
TRENT:
Rebecca Bunch's past, please.
14
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,159
Here you go.
15
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:28,229
You just called me Robert.
16
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:29,563
JOSH:
Being a priest is dope.
17
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:32,233
Did Jesus ever give you
any reason to, like,
18
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,568
have doubts?
No.
19
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,404
I have questions about Rebecca,
20
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:37,738
and I don't know
if they're real questions
21
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,673
or if I have the jitters.
22
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,674
So find Rebecca.
23
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,576
Ask her your questions.
24
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,745
And Eagle is gone.
25
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,280
Josh is leaving me
26
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,282
to become a priest?
27
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:50,118
PAULA:
Rebecca! Stop!
28
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:53,121
Josh Chan must be destroyed.
29
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,125
*
30
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,101
(sighs)
31
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:15,809
Anything?
32
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,111
Maya.
33
00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:17,911
Don't yell at me.
34
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:20,281
I haven't asked
about her today yet.
35
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,416
Read the sign with me, Maya.
36
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,620
MAYA/PAULA:
"I don't know where Rebecca is.
37
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:28,722
"Stop asking me.
38
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,325
"After we agreed
to destroy Josh Chan,
39
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,627
"Rebecca excused herself to pee
40
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:36,297
"and I haven't heard
from her since.
41
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,566
"I do know she's alive
42
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,835
"because she liked
my Ice Bucket Challenge video
43
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,837
from three years ago."
44
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,506
I know, but, Paula,
that sign really skimps
45
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,175
on her interiority.
46
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:48,509
And we all have
so many questions.
47
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:49,643
It's been two weeks.
48
00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:51,212
Was there
somebody else?
49
00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:52,646
Is Josh
really becoming a priest?
50
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,482
Why didn't that bitch
invite me to the wedding?
51
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:57,651
Enough! I wish I had answers,
but I don't!
52
00:01:57,685 --> 00:02:00,888
I don't know where she is!
53
00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:03,524
Go!
54
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,160
Get...
Go!
55
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,661
(Paula groans)
56
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:09,630
*
57
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,948
* A scandal has rocked
our village of West Covina *
58
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,683
* West Covina
59
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:33,354
* A woman's life was ruined
and now no one's seen her *
60
00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:34,855
* No one's seen her
61
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:37,191
* The town is all atwitter
62
00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:40,528
* 'Cause the whole town
is on Twitter *
63
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:42,530
* Posing a question
that's never-ending *
64
00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:45,399
* In the form of a hashtag
that's been trending *
65
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,536
* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
66
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:49,703
* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
67
00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:50,904
* Is she out to brunch? No?
68
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,373
* Then where's Rebecca Bunch?
69
00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:54,208
* She's always been insecure
70
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:57,711
* But now she's been rejected
by Josh Chan *
71
00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:59,547
* So where's Rebecca Bunch?
72
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:03,384
* But, also, where's a woman's
pride without her man? *
73
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,819
* Man, man, man
74
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,921
*
75
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:11,925
* There's gossip going on
from Riverside to Encino *
76
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,227
* Encino
77
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:17,431
* Of the Jewish chick who got
dumped by the ripped Filipino *
78
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,233
* Filipino
79
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:21,702
* Think of all the beautiful
china on her registry *
80
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,238
* Now it will never
be on her shelf *
81
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:26,840
* I wonder how she's feeling
since Josh sent her reeling *
82
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,743
* If I were her,
I'd kill meself *
83
00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:31,445
You're fired again, George.
84
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:32,580
Aw, son of a...
85
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:33,881
* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
86
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:34,915
* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
87
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,284
I have a hunch!
88
00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:36,950
ALL:
Yeah?
89
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:37,885
No, I just liked the rhyme.
90
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:40,921
* We've been asking
the same question *
91
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:43,424
* Since this tale of woe began
92
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:44,858
#WheresRebeccaBunch?
93
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,926
ALL:
No!
94
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,328
* Where's a woman's pride
95
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:49,430
* Without her man?
96
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:52,300
* Man, man, man, man, man...
97
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:55,269
*
98
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:03,277
* Who am I now?
99
00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:07,948
* What will I be?
100
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:12,353
* My reason for living
101
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:17,358
* Has abandoned me
102
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:21,028
* I can't stay here forever
103
00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:26,033
* But I also can't bear
104
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:30,304
* Going back to my life
105
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:35,376
* Facing pity and stares
106
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:41,682
* I said Josh Chan
must be destroyed *
107
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,584
* Then I ran away
108
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,787
* Like some scared
little boy *
109
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:50,658
* I want revenge
for my broken heart *
110
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:55,396
* But I'm so devastated
I don't know where to start *
111
00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:57,598
* My defenses are down
112
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,800
* After his sneak attack
113
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,102
* Do I let him win
114
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,506
* Or do I fight back?
115
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,708
* Fight back
116
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,677
* Fight back
117
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:13,947
* Fight back
118
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,984
*
119
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,722
* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
Where's Rebecca Bunch? *
120
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:22,856
* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
121
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,525
* I know what I have to do
122
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,894
* Where's Rebecca Bunch?
Where's Rebecca Bunch? *
123
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,396
* Is she out to brunch?
124
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:30,498
* I have to transform
125
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:31,699
* We're so frenetic
126
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,133
* From a victim
127
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,402
* She's pathetic
128
00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:35,536
* To a woman scorned
129
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,705
* A woman scorned
130
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,540
* A scandal has rocked
our village *
131
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,409
* Of West Covina
132
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:42,710
* West Covina
133
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,878
* A woman's life was ruined
134
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,047
* And now no one's
seen her *
135
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,048
* No one's seen her
136
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,484
* Is she still paying rent?
137
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:53,454
* Does she have a plan?
138
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:56,557
* And where's a woman's pride,
a woman's pride *
139
00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:58,025
* A woman's pride
140
00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:01,895
* Without her man?
141
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,865
* Man, man, oh, man,
oh, man. *
142
00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,542
SCOTT:
So, no word from Rebecca yet?
143
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:17,077
No. I-I think she needs
just a couple of days
144
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,879
to process everything.
145
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,414
Poor thing, she has
been through so much.
146
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,516
Love has not been
kind to her.
147
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,117
Yeah, not everyone can be
as lucky as we are.
148
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:25,519
We're getting
a second chance
149
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:28,422
after my horrible
mistake, thank God.
150
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:31,058
Yeah, we are.
And I have to thank you.
151
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,593
You've been just so great
152
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:35,128
about all these rules and...
Oh, by the way,
153
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,597
did you remember
to sign in last night?
154
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:37,965
Because I was so busy
I forgot to check.
155
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,133
Come on.
Of course I did.
156
00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:42,936
I want to restore
our marital trust.
157
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:45,105
Ooh, who signed in early
158
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:46,574
every day this week?
159
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:47,775
Good job.
160
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:50,811
Thanks. I'm excited
about this rule here.
161
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,613
"Scott sleeps on the
couch until he passes
162
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,114
the lie-detector test
three times."
163
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,516
I've only got
one test left,
164
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,150
and back in the bed.
165
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,786
Yep.
Uh-huh.
166
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,053
Yep.
167
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,956
But, you know what?
First you have to pass it.
168
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:05,559
And the questions are,
like, no joke
169
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,461
on the last test--
just a heads-up.
170
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:08,629
I'm ready.
171
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:09,830
Okay, I am just...
172
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,532
I'm just checking.
173
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,967
You're-you're okay, you're fine
with all this, right?
174
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:16,904
Are you kidding? Yes.
Right.
175
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,106
Our plan gets rid
of all the guilt.
176
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,809
It spells it all out.
No confusion.
177
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,110
(sighs)
178
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,678
TIM:
I'm so confused.
179
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,480
Who called this meeting again?
180
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:27,781
I don't know, I just
got an anonymous
181
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:28,882
Google Calendar invite.
182
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:31,151
Okay, who is wasting my time
with a stupid meeting?
183
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:32,820
Hmm? And what was up
with the subject line--
184
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,522
"Insidious Business"?
185
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:35,656
Is this you, Darryl?
Hmm?
186
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,825
It makes so little sense,
it seems like a you thing.
187
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:38,859
Does it?
Mm-hmm.
188
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,494
I have a "me" thing?
189
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:41,995
What are some of my
other "me" things?
190
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,831
Asking a lot of questions,
is that a "me" thing?
191
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,667
Wait, so nobody knows
what this is?
192
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,936
Mm-mm.
Yeah, okay, I'm
out of here.
193
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,505
REBECCA:
Not so fast, mama.
194
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,512
(gasps)
What?
195
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,656
Wow.
196
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,058
I know, my hair is dark,
so I look evil,
197
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,827
but I'm wearing white,
which is ironic.
198
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,796
That's not why
we're surprised.
199
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,665
Okay, we haven't
seen you in two weeks,
200
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:20,067
and suddenly you're spinning
around in some big chair?
201
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,636
Okay, yes, that's
also surprising.
202
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,071
I'm so glad
you're all right.
203
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,706
Paula, Paula,
I'm trying to do a thing.
204
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:26,740
Oh, sorry, honey.
205
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:27,908
I'm watching.
206
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:28,909
Do you want to
turn around again?
207
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,078
No. Why would I...
Okay. Okay.
208
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,312
How long have you been here?
209
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,047
Oh, since 5:00 a.m.
210
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,849
I had to get here early
for the big reveal.
211
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:36,850
Brought my own chair,
212
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:37,851
hope you like it.
213
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:39,086
But I'm not tired.
214
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:41,589
I've been catnapping.
215
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:42,690
So...
216
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,596
...you've all been wondering
where I've been.
217
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:51,599
Oh, yes, I saw the
locally trending hashtag.
218
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:54,201
Well, the answer is
219
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:58,606
I've been going through
a metamorphosis of sorts.
220
00:08:58,639 --> 00:08:59,673
I have emerged...
221
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,341
Ooh.
...from the cocoon
222
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,110
of female submission
223
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:07,280
as a scorned butterfly,
dagger in hand.
224
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,049
Okay, you know what?
Show's over.
225
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,851
Kids, let's get back
to work, hmm?
226
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,953
Miss Bunch, can I speak
with you, please?
227
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,622
Um, I'm actually
in the next meeting.
228
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:15,756
I have an alert...
229
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,125
When will you start acting
like you work for me? Hmm?
230
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,761
Go, go, go, let's go.
231
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,095
Okay, all right, okay.
232
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,831
Go, go!
233
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,603
(clears throat) I know that
you've had a tough time.
234
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:30,871
Hmm?
Um, but that doesn't mean
235
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,806
that you cannot answer calls
236
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,708
or texts or e-mails.
237
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:38,311
Or write a thank-you note
for a basket
238
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,648
of soothing bath salts
and artisanal pears
239
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:41,882
that I might have dropped off
at your door.
240
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,684
Oh, my God, Nathaniel.
241
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,619
Did you send me a bunch
of weird, girly crap?
242
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:49,156
You were worried about me.
243
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,758
Oh, boop!
244
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,326
That's adorable.
You're adorable.
245
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,662
I mean, it's kind
of sad and unsexy,
246
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,829
but you're adorable.
247
00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:58,632
(clears throat)
You are, um...
248
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,169
...very different.
249
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,672
I am. Oh, I am.
250
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,173
I am invincible.
251
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:08,341
There's a flame
burning around me.
252
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:11,178
Uh-huh.
253
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,080
Now, I booked this room
for the next meeting,
254
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,381
so (snaps fingers)
get out of here.
255
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,250
Uh, for which case?
256
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,652
(sighs)
257
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:21,922
The most important case
of my life.
258
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,024
Now, seriously,
get out of here.
259
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,927
But, um, walk slowly.
260
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,762
I want to watch
those pants move.
261
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,937
(sighs)
262
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,405
(birds singing)
263
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,876
(sighs)
264
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:45,312
I've never gotten
a Google Cal invite before.
265
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,714
Where did you get
those clothes?
266
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,115
Off a scarecrow, so...
267
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,316
You look nice.
268
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,384
Thanks. I have a meeting
269
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,721
with a bride and groom
to plan their wedding.
270
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,455
They're from Calabasas.
I think they're loaded.
271
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,758
Cool. I can't wait to
hear how we're gonna
272
00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:58,625
get back at Josh.
273
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,694
Rebecca said she had
the perfect plan.
274
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,896
You know, I was worried about
her, but she looks dynamite,
275
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:04,064
and she seems very focused.
276
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,233
Great. I love drama...
277
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,835
(throat clearing)
278
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,703
(gasping)
Mm.
Oh!
279
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,807
Look at you! Someone call
the fire department.
280
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,075
Get it, girl!
281
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,744
She fine!
282
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,379
What else can we say
that we don't usually say?
283
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:22,082
Oh.
Hello. Hello. Thank you
for meeting me here.
284
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,316
I'm sure you've been confused
285
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,085
about what's happening, so,
to recap:
286
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,888
After the wedding,
was I thrown for a loop? Yes.
287
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:29,757
Yes, of course I was.
288
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,859
Did I question the nature
of not only my own existence,
289
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,193
but existence itself?
290
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,327
Yes, of course.
291
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,428
So? So.
292
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:36,396
Mm.
293
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:38,198
I went on a retreat,
294
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:41,935
and I took some time to
blue sky, workshop, ideate and,
295
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:43,003
most importantly,
296
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,437
transform.
297
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,775
And I formulated a plan.
298
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:51,779
A plan to destroy Josh Chan.
299
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,847
The Chan Plan, as it were.
300
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,817
PAULA:
Ooh.
Hmm.
301
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:57,918
Wow.
Right? It's so cool.
302
00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,119
Okay. So.
(clears throat)
303
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,453
First,
I asked myself,
304
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:01,254
what type of revenge,
305
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,923
or as the French say, révenge...
306
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:03,824
Actually, the French
don't say that,
307
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:05,258
the word for revenge
is vengeance,
308
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:06,393
but that sounds
like a cheese or something.
309
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,028
So anyway,
what type of révenge
310
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,230
are we seeking?
And the answer to that
311
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,065
is something tactile,
something visceral.
312
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:17,470
Something that says "I matter,
and you, Josh Chan, do not."
313
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,039
And I have just the thing.
314
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,141
Ooh, this sounds delicious.
315
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,843
Oh, can you not use "delicious"
in that way?
316
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:25,112
It creeps me out; it feels
like someone just licked me.
317
00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,114
Just tell us your
idea, I'm so excited.
318
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:31,451
My réveng is deceptively simple
and devious.
319
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:34,154
It's a tactic that has been used
by victims of injustice
320
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,488
throughout human history.
321
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:36,990
Mm.
322
00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:41,161
I'm speaking, of course,
of coprophagia.
323
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,965
It's poop. It's poop stuff.
324
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:45,866
Yeah.
325
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:47,935
What?
326
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:50,170
I'm gonna mail him my poop,
327
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:53,306
but tell him it's cupcakes.
328
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,144
DARRYL:
What is that smell?
329
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:59,312
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay.
So, most protein bars
330
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:00,848
are just candy-coated sugar.
331
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,082
But these bars are different.
332
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,516
These bars contain
333
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:06,086
the purest,
the most powerful form
334
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,188
of protein on Earth.
335
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,024
Ant protein.
Is that true?
336
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,893
I have no idea. But I do know
337
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:13,861
that ants are strong as hell.
338
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,028
Anyway, okay.
339
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,997
Give it a try.
I want your notes,
340
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,466
I want your honest opinion.
Give it to me.
341
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,369
Mm.
342
00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:23,570
No, I like it.
Yeah?
343
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:26,373
Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely
getting the ants.
Okay.
344
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:29,209
But I'm also getting caraway.
Uh-huh.
345
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:30,844
And date.
Yes.
346
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:33,046
Oh. Holy hell,
here comes the cinnamon.
347
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,915
Mm.
It's good?
348
00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:36,016
Oh, yeah.
You like it?
349
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,017
Oh, it's amazing.
(laughs)
350
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:38,986
All right. I don't have
a name yet, but I, uh...
351
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,121
I think after two years,
I've finally nailed the recipe.
352
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:44,057
It's amazing.
I am so proud of you, baby.
353
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:46,059
You are taking this idea
from conception to birth
354
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:47,227
through childhood,
355
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,396
to a really moving
high school graduation,
356
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:53,133
where it makes a speech
about its two cool dads.
357
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,002
Are you kidding me?
What?
358
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,070
Darryl, there is nothing
I can say
359
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,072
that you can't turn
into a parenting metaphor.
360
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,074
I'm sorry, I can't help it.
361
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,243
It just pops out of me
headfirst.
362
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,978
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
363
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,179
I can't talk about this anymore.
364
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,647
We have talked birth to death.
365
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,349
Look, you're right.
366
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,517
You're right, you're right,
you're right, you're right.
367
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,219
Okay?
368
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,921
Maybe we need help.
369
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:15,255
Maybe we need
to see a therapist.
370
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,925
Or, you could, um, just stop it?
371
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:20,393
If you don't think
that therapists are "cool,"
372
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,595
maybe we could do something
a little more current.
373
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:25,598
You know? Maybe we could go see
a life coach or a psychic.
374
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:29,036
Or an essential oil specialist.
(inhales)
375
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,603
Okay, none of those are things.
376
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,072
Tell that to
my Reiki practitioner,
377
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:34,607
who figured out
that I have a ghost in my foot.
378
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,343
Okay, Darryl, right now,
379
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,678
my life is about getting people
to eat these dead ants.
380
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:39,579
Once that happens,
then maybe
381
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:42,950
we can start talking
about other stuff.
382
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,121
Don't you ladies get it?
So I'm gonna write
383
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,289
on the package,
384
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,191
"Delicious cupcakes inside,
385
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,927
do not smell before eating."
386
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,365
He will be forced
to unwittingly eat...
387
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,033
Okay, you have to,
you have to stop.
388
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,003
You said you had,
like, a whole plan.
389
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:04,704
Is the poop thing step one?
390
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:05,638
Like, he accidentally
391
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:08,275
eats the poop
and then takes a step back
392
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,977
and falls down
a flight of stairs,
393
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,145
and there's a dead body there,
and he thinks he killed it,
394
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,646
and we plant the evidence.
395
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,448
That's good. That's very good.
396
00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:16,716
Yes.
Thank you.
397
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,986
No. You've got-- wow, wow, you
guys are way overthinking this.
398
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:20,153
Okay, so...
399
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,321
(laughs)
400
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,956
The root of this idea
401
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:26,393
is I have figurative crap
on my face, and he's crap.
402
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,660
So he deserves to eat it.
403
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,963
You mean, like, metaphorically.
404
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,164
Oh.
Yeah.
405
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,665
No! No. No--
406
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:33,566
no, like, literally.
407
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,269
It's like,
"Eat my cupcakes, Josh Chan,
408
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:37,637
like the piece of crap you are."
409
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:40,507
Y-Yes, right?
410
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,009
Yes-- do you get--
411
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,510
do you get it now?
Do you get it?
412
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,178
You know I love that idea.
413
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:46,313
I love it.
414
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,115
But maybe we just, I don't know,
415
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:49,649
toss around some other ideas.
416
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:50,650
There's got to be
something else
417
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,085
in that...
418
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,987
very big brain of yours.
419
00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:56,023
Oh, wow, I wasn't
prepared with...
420
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:59,192
I mean, I have other ideas--
that one's my favorite-- but...
421
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:00,427
I mean, I don't know
if I want to share
422
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,494
any more ideas with you guys.
423
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:03,696
Like, this doesn't feel
like a safe space anymore.
424
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,065
It just feels like, you know,
425
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,766
you haven't even
heard my first idea.
426
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,668
Oh, no, we heard it.
427
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:11,038
But we just didn't like it.
428
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,205
See? See? You see?
429
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:13,440
You're just against
anything that I...
430
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,708
I-I pitch right now.
431
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,510
Ooh, okay, okay. No, no, no.
432
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,546
No. That's... listen,
433
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,014
just tell us your idea,
434
00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:24,084
and we, we will love it.
435
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:25,152
Right?
436
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:26,453
We promise.
437
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,555
(exhales)
438
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,090
Okay.
439
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,391
Okay, okay.
440
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,725
So this next idea
441
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,227
is actually better
than the first, so:
442
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:39,399
it's sexy, it's dangerous,
it's clickbait.
443
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,134
Ooh.
444
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:43,236
Hello, is this
Casting Call Magazine?
445
00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,238
Yes, I'd like to place an ad.
446
00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:47,207
I'm a producer/writer/director.
447
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,475
And I'm looking to cast someone
448
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,644
who looks exactly
like my ex-fiancé.
449
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,580
(laughs) No, it's not
for a TV or film,
450
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:54,747
it's for something better.
451
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,350
Confidentially,
452
00:16:57,384 --> 00:17:00,187
I'm going to be
making a fake sex tape
453
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:03,223
in which my ex-fiancé appears
to be say he hates Jesus,
454
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,457
ruining his reputation
455
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,226
and making everyone hate him
because he left me at the altar
456
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:07,560
to become a priest.
457
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:09,596
Great idea, right?
458
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:12,432
Le révenge!
459
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:14,767
What does he look like?
460
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:17,104
Yes, he is Filipino,
about five-eight,
461
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,705
but I will take
any Asian you have.
462
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:26,746
So you guys are
making a porno?
463
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:29,716
No, no. It is a fake sex tape.
464
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:32,219
Okay? She's getting a fake Josh,
they're gonna have fake sex,
465
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:35,122
and then, he's gonna
fakely say that he hates Jesus.
466
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,224
Wow. Horrible idea.
467
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,426
But-- how would that even work?
468
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:43,130
Uh, it wouldn't, because it is
the worst idea of all time.
469
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:44,131
Her other ideas,
though,
470
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:46,566
they were even worse,
if you could believe it.
471
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:48,235
They were literally crap.
472
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,803
(sighs)
She's not thinking straight.
473
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,139
So we all decided,
474
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,240
let's humor her,
475
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,142
let her get it
out of her system,
476
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,745
metabolize these emotions
while yelling at a fake Josh.
477
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,113
While she's doing fake Josh?
478
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:02,182
No!
Oh.
479
00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:03,283
No. It will never get that far.
480
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:06,253
Once she realizes how ridiculous
the whole thing is,
481
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,155
she will not go through with it.
482
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:10,657
This will stop
well short of any sex,
483
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,192
real or fake.
484
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,594
Speaking of sex, let's, uh,
strap this thing on, eh?
485
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:17,797
I can't wait
486
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,599
to pass this test.
487
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:23,770
(laughs) Then we're back
to being a real married couple,
488
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,173
sleeping in the same bed.
489
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,640
Not so fast, buster.
490
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,309
The third round
is the most intense.
491
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,844
I call it "The Ring of Fire."
492
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,182
All right.
493
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:36,283
(whirring)
494
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,617
(exhales)
495
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,319
Let's begin.
496
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:44,491
Have you seen Tanya
since the incident?
497
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:46,459
Yes, at work.
498
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:49,496
Do you talk to Tanya?
499
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:51,164
Occasionally,
if the work requires, I...
500
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,200
Yes or no?
The-the answer's yes,
501
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,168
I have to sometimes.
502
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:57,170
When you
talk to her,
503
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:59,306
do you flirt?
504
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:02,442
Do you touch her arm?
505
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,311
Does she giggle?
506
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,346
Does she wear that back support
brace that pushes up her boobs?
507
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,680
Does she shake
her tail feather for you?
508
00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:09,516
I-- I-I...
Answer the questions, buster.
509
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:11,651
The answers are no, no,
510
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:15,355
sometimes, but I'm very funny.
(laughs)
511
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:18,191
Uh, um, yes, but only
because of her scoliosis,
512
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,527
and... what's a tail feather?
513
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,533
(sighs)
514
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:31,204
Do you find Tanya attractive?
515
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:33,440
Um...
516
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:39,912
Yes? I guess I do?
517
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:42,249
I-I did the thing with her.
518
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:43,516
More attractive than me?
No.
519
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:44,551
Do you love Tanya?
No.
520
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,286
Are you lying?
You tell me.
521
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:57,730
Well, it looks like...
522
00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:00,567
you passed.
523
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,269
Oh, my God.
524
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:03,736
Great.
525
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:06,939
Uh...
(chuckles)
526
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:09,276
Can I move my eye mask and
pajama boxers back into the bed?
527
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:12,745
That is what the contract says,
so I guess so.
528
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:13,880
(laughs)
529
00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:16,549
And maybe tonight we, uh...
530
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:17,750
Oh, my God, look at the time.
531
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,619
I have auditions for the porno.
532
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,288
Uh, the-the sex tape.
533
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,755
The fake sex tape,
534
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:25,392
that I... is never gonna happen.
535
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,594
(laughing):
Okay.
Uh...
536
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:28,795
Bye!
(door closes)
537
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,730
REBECCA:
Next.
538
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,765
ACTOR:
I hate Jesus!
539
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,467
No, no, no,
you're doing it wrong.
540
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:35,768
Okay.
541
00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:37,870
(exhales)
So the point of this scene,
542
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,138
the reason I wrote
this sex tape,
543
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:42,775
is because mid-coitus is when
one's true feelings come out.
544
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:46,813
Okay? So we have to believe that
Josh Chan truly hates Jesus,
545
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:49,749
and that pure, utter hatred,
546
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:54,321
it explodes out of him with
a sexual and euphoric passion.
547
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:56,789
All right, no. Next!
548
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,393
The waters are not
for the actors!
549
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:02,929
And don't forget to sign the
non-disclosure agreement, okay?
550
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:04,631
Can't have that guy
blogging about this.
551
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,366
Come on, Rebecca.
552
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:09,336
I mean, maybe if you didn't,
like, yell at all of them.
553
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:10,337
Uh, oh, I'm sorry, Heather.
554
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:12,339
I'm the one who has to be in bed
with these guys.
555
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:13,573
Yeah, and why does it
have to be you?
556
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,308
You don't have any lines.
557
00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:17,810
Verisimilitude.
558
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:20,947
It has to be me
to sell the concept.
559
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:23,816
All right, who's this guy?
Well, this guy did...
560
00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:25,652
(British accent):
Hello, I'm Colin Crowley.
561
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:27,787
Wonderful to meet you.
I'm here for the read.
562
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:31,658
Really excited
about the material.
563
00:21:31,691 --> 00:21:33,960
Yeah.
564
00:21:33,993 --> 00:21:37,430
Wow. He looks just like Josh.
565
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:38,698
That could be his brother.
566
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,001
It's uncanny.
567
00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:43,002
Okay, um, one second.
568
00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:45,538
(quietly): I know what
you ladies are thinking,
569
00:21:45,572 --> 00:21:47,640
but I really would love to give
this role to an American.
570
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:50,510
Ooh, um, my American is spot-on.
571
00:21:50,543 --> 00:21:52,111
Okay.
(exhales)
572
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,713
(under breath): One, two, three,
four, five, six.
573
00:21:55,448 --> 00:21:56,516
All right, okay, um...
574
00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:58,818
(varying American accents):
You want, eh, Chicago?
575
00:21:58,851 --> 00:22:01,621
New York? Um, Louisiana?
576
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:03,556
Um, Texas?
577
00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:04,857
(normal British accent):
Or do you want, um...
578
00:22:04,891 --> 00:22:07,026
(Californian accent):
Southern California, dude?
579
00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:10,663
(gasps)
(laughing): Wow.
580
00:22:10,697 --> 00:22:12,999
We have an Olivier here.
581
00:22:26,779 --> 00:22:29,549
Oh, I booked it, mate. Sorry.
582
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,384
Cheers, though.
583
00:22:34,821 --> 00:22:36,723
Okay, we are done
with the auditions.
584
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:37,924
We found our man.
585
00:22:37,957 --> 00:22:39,426
Feel free to give up
on your dreams
586
00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:40,427
and move back to your hometowns.
587
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:41,861
Okay.
588
00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:44,063
Nathaniel, what are you...?
589
00:22:44,096 --> 00:22:45,131
What's going on here?
590
00:22:46,466 --> 00:22:47,233
Dude, okay, so,
591
00:22:47,266 --> 00:22:48,401
when are we stopping
this charade?
592
00:22:48,435 --> 00:22:49,569
It's getting so weird.
593
00:22:49,602 --> 00:22:51,070
I didn't think we were gonna
594
00:22:51,103 --> 00:22:51,904
find someone who's,
like, a shave
595
00:22:51,938 --> 00:22:53,706
and a nose job away
from being Josh.
596
00:22:53,740 --> 00:22:55,007
It's starting
to freak me out.
597
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:57,544
Yeah, I knew we were gonna wait
for her to come to her senses,
598
00:22:57,577 --> 00:22:59,412
but can we slap some
sense into her already?
599
00:22:59,446 --> 00:23:00,580
We need to put
a stop to this.
600
00:23:00,613 --> 00:23:03,416
No, I know it feels like we're
riding the edge of a razor,
601
00:23:03,450 --> 00:23:04,951
but I'm telling you,
as a parent,
602
00:23:04,984 --> 00:23:06,786
the more you forbid it,
the more they want it,
603
00:23:06,819 --> 00:23:09,088
so we just got
to ride it out.
Yeah.
604
00:23:09,121 --> 00:23:10,490
(groans)
605
00:23:10,523 --> 00:23:12,559
(exhaling): God.
606
00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:13,760
What are all these
guys doing here?
607
00:23:13,793 --> 00:23:15,962
I don't know. You have to sign
an NDA before I tell you that.
608
00:23:15,995 --> 00:23:16,863
What are you doing here?
609
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:19,098
Oh, I was just, uh,
was just running by,
610
00:23:19,131 --> 00:23:22,068
and, um, phone died, so, you
know, thought maybe I could,
611
00:23:22,101 --> 00:23:23,503
uh, come in and juice it up.
612
00:23:23,536 --> 00:23:25,538
Ugh, "running by"?
But you live across town.
613
00:23:27,139 --> 00:23:29,108
Wait.
614
00:23:29,141 --> 00:23:30,109
Wow.
615
00:23:30,142 --> 00:23:32,612
The old my-phone-
ran-out-of-juice, really?
616
00:23:32,645 --> 00:23:34,481
Listen, buddy...
(chuckles)
617
00:23:34,514 --> 00:23:35,482
...you're talking
to the queen of,
618
00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:37,450
"I just happened to be here."
619
00:23:37,484 --> 00:23:39,586
Okay, I get what's happening.
620
00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:42,955
Listen, I know we kissed,
and you helped me with my dad
621
00:23:42,989 --> 00:23:44,491
and you are
clearly developing
622
00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:45,625
some kind of sparkly,
little-girl,
623
00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:46,926
heart, twinkly
feelings for me...
624
00:23:46,959 --> 00:23:47,927
(chuckles)
...but then I came back
625
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,596
as this espresso-haired vixen
626
00:23:49,629 --> 00:23:51,964
and you feel low status,
627
00:23:51,998 --> 00:23:54,601
which I get.
I get it, okay?
628
00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:57,169
Status reversals, ugh,
they are confusing,
629
00:23:57,203 --> 00:23:58,971
and arousing and it's probably
never happened to you before,
630
00:23:59,005 --> 00:24:01,641
so now you are
understandably obsessed with me.
631
00:24:01,674 --> 00:24:03,643
No, that's not it at all.
632
00:24:03,676 --> 00:24:05,612
Okay? Not at all.
633
00:24:05,645 --> 00:24:07,179
No? Really?
634
00:24:07,213 --> 00:24:08,648
No.
635
00:24:08,681 --> 00:24:11,684
You're not mesmerized by
my sudden lack of interest
636
00:24:11,718 --> 00:24:13,986
and my cold, unavailable vibe?
637
00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:16,689
No.
638
00:24:16,723 --> 00:24:18,591
Yeah? Huh, interesting,
639
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:19,992
'cause your thin shorts
say otherwise.
640
00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:21,861
Oh, listen.
641
00:24:21,894 --> 00:24:23,195
Listen, buddy.
(groans)
642
00:24:23,229 --> 00:24:25,965
I would be happy to take you
for a tumble sometime...
643
00:24:25,998 --> 00:24:27,066
(clears throat)
...but right now,
644
00:24:28,835 --> 00:24:30,570
so just move along.
Yeah.
645
00:24:30,603 --> 00:24:32,505
(exhales)
646
00:24:32,539 --> 00:24:33,840
Dude.
647
00:24:33,873 --> 00:24:35,174
Auditions are over.
648
00:24:35,207 --> 00:24:37,677
You can take the banana
out of your pants.
649
00:24:44,751 --> 00:24:46,819
Wheel of Fortune |
was good tonight.
650
00:24:46,853 --> 00:24:51,190
Yeah. All the big hitters
were there tonight.
651
00:24:51,223 --> 00:24:53,159
Ooh. "R."
652
00:24:53,192 --> 00:24:55,194
"S."
Yeah.
653
00:24:55,227 --> 00:24:56,996
"T."
Mm-hmm.
654
00:24:57,029 --> 00:24:58,264
"E."
Yeah.
655
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,602
I'd like to buy a kiss.
656
00:25:02,635 --> 00:25:03,936
(both chuckle)
657
00:25:06,873 --> 00:25:08,608
Okay.
658
00:25:18,751 --> 00:25:20,052
Babe, I've really
missed you.
659
00:25:20,086 --> 00:25:22,655
I missed you, too.
660
00:25:30,597 --> 00:25:32,298
Scott.
661
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,568
Paula.
662
00:25:35,602 --> 00:25:36,769
Mm.
663
00:25:36,803 --> 00:25:38,204
No, don't call me Paula.
664
00:25:38,237 --> 00:25:39,572
Call me Tanya.
665
00:25:39,606 --> 00:25:40,607
What?
No, just do it.
666
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,075
Call me Tanya.
667
00:25:43,109 --> 00:25:46,579
I have no idea
what that was
668
00:25:46,613 --> 00:25:49,582
and I never want
to discuss it.
669
00:25:59,258 --> 00:26:02,762
Honk, honk!
Honk, honk!
670
00:26:02,795 --> 00:26:04,864
(chuckles) I don't know
what sound anteaters make,
671
00:26:04,897 --> 00:26:06,599
but here, have a protein bar.
672
00:26:06,633 --> 00:26:07,600
Thanks.
673
00:26:07,634 --> 00:26:09,368
You, sir.
674
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:11,738
Here, big fella.
675
00:26:11,771 --> 00:26:13,372
They're, uh, 52 grams
676
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:16,075
of pure insect power!
677
00:26:16,108 --> 00:26:17,376
Aah, wow.
678
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:19,746
Huh? Huh?
(chuckles)
679
00:26:19,779 --> 00:26:22,048
This is what you meant when
you texted "surprise time"?
680
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:23,716
Yes. Okay, okay.
681
00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:24,951
Here goes.
682
00:26:24,984 --> 00:26:26,619
You needed a name
for your bars,
683
00:26:26,653 --> 00:26:28,254
so I went to
the trademark office
684
00:26:28,287 --> 00:26:29,722
and these are the ones
that were taken.
685
00:26:29,756 --> 00:26:31,758
"Ant Time,
686
00:26:31,791 --> 00:26:34,093
"Ant Protein Time, Supergood
Insect Protein Time,
687
00:26:34,126 --> 00:26:36,228
Supergood Ant Time."
Okay.
688
00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:38,665
But then I realized, if you
eat ants, that makes you an...
689
00:26:40,667 --> 00:26:43,803
...an anteater. Huh?
Anteater, yeah.
690
00:26:43,836 --> 00:26:44,837
So, I went with that and then
691
00:26:44,871 --> 00:26:48,641
I talked to Manuel who does
graphics for us and...
692
00:26:48,675 --> 00:26:49,909
voilà.
693
00:26:49,942 --> 00:26:52,679
You took my bars
out of your fridge?
694
00:26:52,712 --> 00:26:54,113
You left them there
for a reason.
695
00:26:54,146 --> 00:26:55,915
That's what
my dream interpreter said.
696
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:56,916
Oh, my God.
And by the way,
697
00:26:56,949 --> 00:27:00,653
I got a totally new guy,
'cause Reiki is baloney.
698
00:27:00,687 --> 00:27:03,289
So, yes, I took them,
and I did all this,
699
00:27:03,322 --> 00:27:04,290
and people love them
700
00:27:04,323 --> 00:27:05,992
and now your career
is on its way,
701
00:27:06,025 --> 00:27:08,695
so you can move on
to tinier, cuter things.
702
00:27:08,728 --> 00:27:10,997
Ah, there it is.
703
00:27:11,030 --> 00:27:13,666
The baby thing again. God.
704
00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:16,803
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
705
00:27:16,836 --> 00:27:19,672
I mean, I know, I said
I was gonna try harder
706
00:27:19,706 --> 00:27:20,707
and I messed up.
707
00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:22,842
Honk, honk.
708
00:27:22,875 --> 00:27:23,642
What can I do?
709
00:27:23,676 --> 00:27:26,012
Don't do that.
Don't do anything.
710
00:27:26,045 --> 00:27:27,680
Honk?
711
00:27:27,714 --> 00:27:30,649
Maybe we do need
a therapist.
712
00:27:32,351 --> 00:27:35,287
I'll get one, a real one.
713
00:27:35,321 --> 00:27:37,690
None of this Reiki nonsense.
714
00:27:42,962 --> 00:27:44,030
PAULA: I was scared to death
to have sex with him
715
00:27:44,063 --> 00:27:45,297
and then that happened.
716
00:27:45,331 --> 00:27:46,465
Let me get this straight.
717
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:49,702
You told Scott to call you Tanya
in bed?
718
00:27:49,736 --> 00:27:51,838
Yeah, it's horrifying.
719
00:27:51,871 --> 00:27:53,840
But the sex was amazing.
720
00:27:53,873 --> 00:27:55,975
How can that be?
I hate Tanya.
721
00:27:56,008 --> 00:27:59,746
Well, sounds like the only way
you can feel sexy right now
722
00:27:59,779 --> 00:28:02,348
is to imitate the female
he chose instead of you.
723
00:28:02,381 --> 00:28:04,016
Like, you feel insecure,
724
00:28:04,050 --> 00:28:06,052
so you want to be
the transgressive "harlot"
725
00:28:06,085 --> 00:28:07,486
he temporarily desired over you.
726
00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:10,022
Wow. What class
did you learn that in?
727
00:28:10,056 --> 00:28:11,257
Oh, that's just me.
728
00:28:11,290 --> 00:28:13,492
I'm thinking about becoming
a life coach
729
00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:15,194
or maybe a mime.
730
00:28:15,227 --> 00:28:17,997
I just put body makeup
on a man's butt crack.
731
00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:20,432
Yeah. He's very sweaty.
It took forever.
732
00:28:20,466 --> 00:28:23,069
He smells like pencil shavings
and vinegar.
733
00:28:23,102 --> 00:28:26,739
Are we really going through
with this? This feels too far.
734
00:28:26,773 --> 00:28:28,741
Hold, sister, hold.
Stay the course.
735
00:28:28,775 --> 00:28:31,043
Rebecca is gonna realize
it's the wrong path.
736
00:28:31,077 --> 00:28:33,245
It's just,
it can't come from us.
737
00:28:33,279 --> 00:28:36,515
Excuse me, is there a
P.A. to fetch me a bagel?
738
00:28:36,548 --> 00:28:38,517
I'm a bit peckish, eh?
739
00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:41,087
Oh, come on.
Rebecca's gonna come out,
740
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,756
take one look at that dude
in a towel and freak out.
741
00:28:43,790 --> 00:28:45,091
REBECCA:
All right.
742
00:28:45,124 --> 00:28:48,094
I'm ready.
Let's do this.
743
00:28:52,965 --> 00:28:55,234
Okay, so, I tried all the stuff
you gave me, Valencia,
744
00:28:55,267 --> 00:28:57,103
and it just, it didn't work.
745
00:28:57,136 --> 00:28:58,838
You know, I tried the
pasties and the bandeau,
746
00:28:58,871 --> 00:29:00,773
the nude bodysuit, the
green-screen underwear,
747
00:29:00,807 --> 00:29:02,909
but I just, I can't feel
inhibited right now.
748
00:29:02,942 --> 00:29:05,912
Okay? If I'm gonna have
fake sex with fake Josh,
749
00:29:05,945 --> 00:29:07,046
it has to feel real.
750
00:29:07,079 --> 00:29:08,915
Wait.
751
00:29:08,948 --> 00:29:10,783
W-W-Wait, okay.
752
00:29:10,817 --> 00:29:12,284
Okay, hear me out.
753
00:29:12,318 --> 00:29:16,789
If authenticity is
what we're going for,
754
00:29:16,823 --> 00:29:19,959
I mean, shouldn't we
just do it for real?
755
00:29:19,992 --> 00:29:20,927
Yeah, let's just
do it for real.
756
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:22,795
Um, okay.
757
00:29:22,829 --> 00:29:24,931
Someone get me a condom.
They are in my dresser.
758
00:29:24,964 --> 00:29:26,866
Actually, we may not
need to use condoms.
759
00:29:26,899 --> 00:29:27,934
Paula, look up the statutes
760
00:29:27,967 --> 00:29:29,201
for porn in the state of
California for condom use.
761
00:29:29,235 --> 00:29:31,971
You know what? Let's do one with
a condom, one without a condom,
762
00:29:32,004 --> 00:29:32,939
that way we've covered
our bases.
763
00:29:32,972 --> 00:29:34,506
Okay, we're done. We're done.
764
00:29:34,540 --> 00:29:37,076
That's a wrap
on the fake sex tape.
765
00:29:37,109 --> 00:29:38,144
What?!
766
00:29:38,177 --> 00:29:40,479
Uh, Rebecca,
put some clothes on.
767
00:29:40,512 --> 00:29:41,814
Sir...
Ow, my vagina.
768
00:29:41,848 --> 00:29:44,116
Sir, I'm gonna call it
for today.
769
00:29:44,150 --> 00:29:48,821
Um, my best to Princess Kate,
the new people's princess.
770
00:29:48,855 --> 00:29:49,956
Rebecca.
771
00:29:49,989 --> 00:29:52,925
This is not a good plan!
772
00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:55,161
Even if you hurt Josh,
773
00:29:55,194 --> 00:29:56,595
you're gonna hurt yourself more.
774
00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:58,430
You'll be exposing
yourself publically.
775
00:29:58,464 --> 00:29:59,365
You'll be humiliated.
776
00:29:59,398 --> 00:30:02,068
Why would you put yourself
out like that?
777
00:30:04,370 --> 00:30:08,007
Because I don't care
what happens to me.
778
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,141
I don't.
779
00:30:10,509 --> 00:30:11,543
I mean, God, okay,
780
00:30:11,577 --> 00:30:14,613
I guess I don't want to get,
like, "in trouble,"
781
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:16,448
but also I don't care.
782
00:30:16,482 --> 00:30:18,851
I don't care.
783
00:30:18,885 --> 00:30:19,952
And I don't...
784
00:30:19,986 --> 00:30:21,453
(takes deep breath)
785
00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:23,322
I guess I thought that
if I could be near a Josh,
786
00:30:23,355 --> 00:30:24,523
just even a fake one,
787
00:30:24,556 --> 00:30:27,326
that-that-that-that things
would become clear, you know?
788
00:30:27,359 --> 00:30:28,427
Because I haven't seen
789
00:30:28,460 --> 00:30:31,864
the real Josh since
before he left me at the altar.
790
00:30:31,898 --> 00:30:33,399
I haven't seen him
or talked to him
791
00:30:33,432 --> 00:30:35,134
and I just thought
that if I made the sex tape,
792
00:30:35,167 --> 00:30:36,869
and maybe he
could see the tape,
793
00:30:36,903 --> 00:30:38,871
and he would know
and this was what?
794
00:30:38,905 --> 00:30:41,007
This was a horrible idea.
795
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:42,374
Honey.
(cries)
796
00:30:42,408 --> 00:30:43,542
Honey.
797
00:30:43,575 --> 00:30:47,179
You know that we are all here
to help you take down Josh,
798
00:30:47,213 --> 00:30:49,916
but we are not gonna help you
799
00:30:49,949 --> 00:30:52,051
take down yourself
at the same time.
800
00:30:52,084 --> 00:30:53,920
COLIN: (clears throat)
Sorry to interrupt,
801
00:30:53,953 --> 00:30:56,655
but I never did get
my bagel. Also, um,
802
00:30:56,688 --> 00:30:58,925
if you're interested,
I had a couple of line tweaks
803
00:30:58,958 --> 00:31:01,160
to make Josh
a more sympathetic character.
804
00:31:01,193 --> 00:31:03,362
Oh, hell no.
(laughs)
This guy.
805
00:31:03,395 --> 00:31:05,197
Get out.
Do you know Josh?
806
00:31:05,231 --> 00:31:07,066
Bye.
I don't think
you know Josh.
807
00:31:07,099 --> 00:31:08,367
You need new headshots.
Get your check in the mail.
808
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:11,137
(groans)
809
00:31:18,477 --> 00:31:21,080
Uh, thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, Dr. Akopian.
810
00:31:21,113 --> 00:31:22,982
Yeah, we've heard
wonderful things.
811
00:31:23,015 --> 00:31:24,116
Oh, thank you.
812
00:31:24,150 --> 00:31:26,218
You might be thinking
of my wife.
813
00:31:26,252 --> 00:31:29,956
Her Yelp reviews
are off the charts.
814
00:31:29,989 --> 00:31:32,591
Please call me Davit.
815
00:31:32,624 --> 00:31:34,393
Uh, what can I help you with?
816
00:31:34,426 --> 00:31:37,629
Well, he's annoyed because
I wore an anteater costume,
817
00:31:37,663 --> 00:31:39,098
but for a very good reason.
818
00:31:39,131 --> 00:31:40,432
I just wanted to
help your business.
819
00:31:40,466 --> 00:31:41,968
That is not why you did it.
820
00:31:42,001 --> 00:31:43,235
You did it because you're
trying to pressure me
821
00:31:43,269 --> 00:31:45,137
into having a baby,
even though I don't know
822
00:31:45,171 --> 00:31:46,405
if I ever want to do that.
823
00:31:46,438 --> 00:31:48,307
So now you hate babies.
Oh, my God.
824
00:31:48,340 --> 00:31:50,242
Can we back up?
I heard "anteater"?
825
00:31:50,276 --> 00:31:51,443
That can't be right.
826
00:31:51,477 --> 00:31:53,279
Exactly. That's
exactly my point.
827
00:31:53,312 --> 00:31:55,114
He takes everything
to the extreme.
828
00:31:55,147 --> 00:31:56,482
I didn't say I hate babies.
829
00:31:56,515 --> 00:31:59,118
You're too emotional, Darryl.
830
00:31:59,151 --> 00:32:00,953
You get so excited about a baby
831
00:32:00,987 --> 00:32:02,454
or about my ant-based
protein bars,
832
00:32:02,488 --> 00:32:03,655
and you go from, like,
zero to a thousand.
833
00:32:03,689 --> 00:32:04,957
That is not fair.
834
00:32:04,991 --> 00:32:06,558
It is fair, dude.
835
00:32:06,592 --> 00:32:07,960
You found out that
a distant relative
836
00:32:07,994 --> 00:32:10,129
was Native American,
and you had your last name
837
00:32:10,162 --> 00:32:11,630
changed to "Whitefeather"
the next day.
838
00:32:11,663 --> 00:32:14,000
And now we have to get to the
airport, like, three hours early
839
00:32:14,033 --> 00:32:15,601
because none of your IDs
match-- it's ridiculous.
840
00:32:15,634 --> 00:32:17,103
First of all,
those are my people.
841
00:32:17,136 --> 00:32:18,971
And second of all,
that's just who I am,
842
00:32:19,005 --> 00:32:22,108
enthusiastic, and you
chose me knowing that.
843
00:32:22,141 --> 00:32:23,142
I thought you liked it.
844
00:32:23,175 --> 00:32:25,011
I do like it, but also,
845
00:32:25,044 --> 00:32:26,678
sometimes it drives me nuts.
846
00:32:26,712 --> 00:32:28,047
So you just think
I'm an idiot.
847
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:29,982
No, I...
You're doing it again.
848
00:32:30,016 --> 00:32:31,317
Well, maybe
I am an idiot.
849
00:32:31,350 --> 00:32:33,986
But you know what?
This idiot, in two days,
850
00:32:34,020 --> 00:32:35,287
has done more
with your idea
851
00:32:35,321 --> 00:32:37,323
than you've done
in two years.
Okay...
852
00:32:37,356 --> 00:32:41,160
This idiot co-owns
a very successful law firm.
853
00:32:41,193 --> 00:32:44,696
Okay, successful law firm,
and is a magnificent father.
854
00:32:44,730 --> 00:32:47,099
Now, look, I know that I got way
out ahead of you with the baby,
855
00:32:47,133 --> 00:32:50,036
and I'm sorry,
and I'll stop it.
856
00:32:50,069 --> 00:32:52,671
But I'm a catch.
Start acting like it.
857
00:32:57,543 --> 00:33:00,279
You know what?
858
00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:02,614
You're right.
859
00:33:02,648 --> 00:33:05,317
I'm sorry. Maybe I have been...
860
00:33:05,351 --> 00:33:06,718
a little judgy
861
00:33:06,752 --> 00:33:08,054
of you.
862
00:33:08,087 --> 00:33:11,023
Huh. My friends
all say I'm judgy,
863
00:33:11,057 --> 00:33:12,691
but I never listen to them
or care what they say
864
00:33:12,724 --> 00:33:15,194
because they're stupid idiots.
865
00:33:15,227 --> 00:33:17,096
I'm sorry, D.
866
00:33:22,634 --> 00:33:24,536
Men are the worst,
aren't they?
867
00:33:24,570 --> 00:33:27,073
Awful.
So entitled.
868
00:33:27,106 --> 00:33:29,075
Josh Chan, fake
Josh Chan, all of them.
869
00:33:29,108 --> 00:33:31,243
They always make everything
about them.
870
00:33:31,277 --> 00:33:32,711
PAULA: That's exactly
what I'm saying.
871
00:33:32,744 --> 00:33:34,146
The reason we're in
this situation
872
00:33:34,180 --> 00:33:35,547
is because men are
so terrible.
873
00:33:35,581 --> 00:33:37,416
Don't get mestarted on men.
874
00:33:37,449 --> 00:33:39,385
Don't get me started |
on men.
875
00:33:39,418 --> 00:33:41,553
Don't get me
started on men.
876
00:33:41,587 --> 00:33:44,090
(all sigh)
877
00:33:44,123 --> 00:33:44,856
*
878
00:33:44,890 --> 00:33:48,560
They're horrible.
Oh, my God.
879
00:33:48,594 --> 00:33:51,663
Drink a lot more. Yeah.
880
00:33:51,697 --> 00:33:54,200
*
881
00:33:57,636 --> 00:34:00,772
* Right now we're angry
and sad *
882
00:34:00,806 --> 00:34:03,409
* It's our right
to get righteously mad *
883
00:34:03,442 --> 00:34:06,112
* At every member
of the opposite sex *
884
00:34:06,145 --> 00:34:08,547
* Oh, God, we hate them
885
00:34:08,580 --> 00:34:09,748
That's what I'm saying.
Yes.
886
00:34:09,781 --> 00:34:10,749
All I'm saying...
887
00:34:10,782 --> 00:34:14,153
* Let's not distinguish
between them at all *
888
00:34:14,186 --> 00:34:17,389
* Let's just drink a lot
more alcohol *
889
00:34:17,423 --> 00:34:19,091
* And then high five
each other *
890
00:34:19,125 --> 00:34:24,163
* As we make a bunch
of blanket statements *
891
00:34:24,196 --> 00:34:26,732
* Let's generalize
about men *
892
00:34:26,765 --> 00:34:30,436
* Let's generalize about men
893
00:34:30,469 --> 00:34:34,440
* Let's take one bad thing
about one man *
894
00:34:34,473 --> 00:34:37,609
* And apply it
to all of them *
895
00:34:37,643 --> 00:34:39,111
* Let's conflate
all the guys *
896
00:34:39,145 --> 00:34:43,149
* Let's generalize
about men *
897
00:34:43,182 --> 00:34:44,816
ALL:
Chug, chug, chug, chug...
898
00:34:44,850 --> 00:34:47,786
* All men are
completely repressed *
899
00:34:47,819 --> 00:34:49,121
* Uh-huh *
900
00:34:49,155 --> 00:34:51,457
* All men only want
to have sex *
901
00:34:51,490 --> 00:34:53,459
* There are no exceptions
902
00:34:53,492 --> 00:34:55,661
* All three billion men
are like this *
903
00:34:55,694 --> 00:34:59,165
* All 3.6 billion men *
904
00:34:59,198 --> 00:35:02,168
* All men are
emotionally stunted *
905
00:35:02,201 --> 00:35:03,469
* When asked how they feel
906
00:35:03,502 --> 00:35:05,304
* Every man's always grunted
907
00:35:05,337 --> 00:35:08,307
And why do men never listen
and only think about themselves?
908
00:35:08,340 --> 00:35:10,276
* As opposed to women,
who always listen *
909
00:35:10,309 --> 00:35:12,444
* And never think
about themselves *
910
00:35:12,478 --> 00:35:14,480
* Ooh, I hear ya, girl
911
00:35:14,513 --> 00:35:18,350
* Let's generalize
about men *
912
00:35:18,384 --> 00:35:21,287
* Let's generalize about men
913
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:24,790
* Let's get super lit
and not admit *
914
00:35:24,823 --> 00:35:26,858
* This is some kind
of primal ritual *
915
00:35:26,892 --> 00:35:28,194
* We need now and then
916
00:35:28,227 --> 00:35:30,529
* Maybe our spirits will rise
917
00:35:30,562 --> 00:35:32,498
* If we generalize
about men *
918
00:35:32,531 --> 00:35:35,201
* All men are stupid
and childish *
919
00:35:35,234 --> 00:35:38,670
* Even the ones
who are smart and mature *
920
00:35:38,704 --> 00:35:41,707
* All every man does
every day *
921
00:35:41,740 --> 00:35:43,709
* Is watch porn, eat wings
922
00:35:43,742 --> 00:35:45,677
* Burp, fart, and snore
923
00:35:45,711 --> 00:35:47,213
Hey, what about gay men?
924
00:35:47,246 --> 00:35:48,347
Oh, no, they're fine.
925
00:35:48,380 --> 00:35:51,383
* Gay men are all
really great *
926
00:35:51,417 --> 00:35:53,852
* Every single one
927
00:35:53,885 --> 00:35:56,355
* They're never mean,
just sassy *
928
00:35:56,388 --> 00:35:58,190
* They're all completely
929
00:35:58,224 --> 00:36:01,327
* Adorable and fun
930
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:05,231
* So let's focus for now
on straight men *
931
00:36:05,264 --> 00:36:08,234
* Let's just
generalize about them *
932
00:36:08,267 --> 00:36:09,501
* They're all monsters
933
00:36:09,535 --> 00:36:11,270
* They're murderers
* They're rapists
934
00:36:11,303 --> 00:36:12,504
* Totally
935
00:36:12,538 --> 00:36:14,506
Wait, I have sons.
936
00:36:14,540 --> 00:36:17,343
* Your sons are
gonna be rapists. *
937
00:36:17,376 --> 00:36:19,211
(music ends)
938
00:36:19,245 --> 00:36:20,346
Oh...
939
00:36:26,485 --> 00:36:27,886
I don't know, it's like
the rational part of my brain
940
00:36:27,919 --> 00:36:29,221
isn't working lately.
941
00:36:29,255 --> 00:36:31,257
You guys are right.
942
00:36:31,290 --> 00:36:32,891
My ideas have been awful.
And it's weird because,
943
00:36:32,924 --> 00:36:34,393
you know, I'm usually
so brilliant.
944
00:36:34,426 --> 00:36:36,828
Yeah, yeah,
and that is one of the things
945
00:36:36,862 --> 00:36:38,730
that I am really mad
at Josh about.
946
00:36:38,764 --> 00:36:40,532
He turned the smartest
person I know into
947
00:36:40,566 --> 00:36:42,268
a sad, wannabe porn star.
948
00:36:42,301 --> 00:36:44,436
Brutal, but true.
949
00:36:44,470 --> 00:36:45,871
Huh, trutal.
950
00:36:45,904 --> 00:36:47,406
(laughter)
951
00:36:47,439 --> 00:36:49,375
That's good.
These are really good.
952
00:36:49,408 --> 00:36:51,610
Yeah, Josh...
Josh is the worst
953
00:36:51,643 --> 00:36:53,579
You know, I can't even book
another wedding because of him.
954
00:36:53,612 --> 00:36:54,946
His jilting you
955
00:36:54,980 --> 00:36:57,316
has completely ruined
my business.
956
00:36:57,349 --> 00:36:59,718
I swear, I should totally
sue his ass or something.
957
00:36:59,751 --> 00:37:00,786
(laughter)
958
00:37:00,819 --> 00:37:04,790
Sue him, that's funny.
959
00:37:04,823 --> 00:37:06,425
Wait, no, no, no.
960
00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:07,559
(gasps)
Sue him.
961
00:37:07,593 --> 00:37:08,727
That's actually a really
interesting idea.
962
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,597
There is tons of case law
that justifies
963
00:37:11,630 --> 00:37:13,299
suing him on behalf
of Rebecca
964
00:37:13,332 --> 00:37:15,767
on, like...
on, like, several fronts.
965
00:37:15,801 --> 00:37:17,969
Breach of contract,
alienation of affection.
966
00:37:18,003 --> 00:37:18,870
Financial damages.
967
00:37:18,904 --> 00:37:22,374
Whoa, that's such
a smart idea, Paula.
968
00:37:22,408 --> 00:37:23,375
Thank you.
969
00:37:23,409 --> 00:37:25,411
Actually, it was my idea.
970
00:37:25,444 --> 00:37:27,746
Oh, my God, it's perfect!
It's perfect.
971
00:37:27,779 --> 00:37:30,449
You get to humiliate
Josh publicly,
972
00:37:30,482 --> 00:37:32,651
you get to maintain
your dignity,
973
00:37:32,684 --> 00:37:35,787
and you become a hero
in the process.
974
00:37:35,821 --> 00:37:37,723
Oh, my God, Cookie,
the answer was
975
00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:39,458
right under our noses.
976
00:37:39,491 --> 00:37:43,429
Yeah, God, that's...
that's a great idea.
977
00:37:43,462 --> 00:37:45,464
I mean, that's hard to argue
978
00:37:45,497 --> 00:37:47,633
why that isn't
the perfect idea.
979
00:37:47,666 --> 00:37:48,967
Well... yeah!
980
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:49,935
Like, the perfect...
981
00:37:49,968 --> 00:37:54,306
Oh, feeling my mojo
coming back.
(laughter)
982
00:37:54,340 --> 00:37:56,675
Yeah, it is.
Oh, I can feel it.
983
00:37:56,708 --> 00:37:58,510
That idea is brilliant.
984
00:37:58,544 --> 00:38:00,812
It's b... it's brilliant.
I'm brilliant.
985
00:38:00,846 --> 00:38:03,815
It's so...
You're so smart.
986
00:38:03,849 --> 00:38:06,485
It was my idea.
Can't anyone hear me?
987
00:38:06,518 --> 00:38:07,986
Why didn't we think
of that before?
988
00:38:08,019 --> 00:38:08,987
You're amazing.
989
00:38:09,020 --> 00:38:10,322
One up top.
990
00:38:10,356 --> 00:38:11,857
Am I dead?
991
00:38:11,890 --> 00:38:13,492
(gasps)
992
00:38:13,525 --> 00:38:14,860
How did I die?
993
00:38:14,893 --> 00:38:15,861
(bedroom door opens)
994
00:38:20,999 --> 00:38:22,668
(whispering):
Hey.
995
00:38:22,701 --> 00:38:24,670
Hey, hey, wake up.
996
00:38:24,703 --> 00:38:27,005
Wake up, it's me.
997
00:38:27,038 --> 00:38:28,507
(chuckles)
998
00:38:28,540 --> 00:38:30,509
I am so horny.
999
00:38:30,542 --> 00:38:33,011
Oh, okay.
(chuckles)
1000
00:38:33,044 --> 00:38:35,381
Uh, uh, babe?
1001
00:38:35,414 --> 00:38:37,883
I don't want to call
you Tanya this time.
1002
00:38:37,916 --> 00:38:40,018
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
1003
00:38:40,051 --> 00:38:41,487
That was...
that was horrible.
1004
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:42,220
That was so bad.
1005
00:38:42,253 --> 00:38:44,523
Because I don't
want Tanya.
1006
00:38:44,556 --> 00:38:46,525
Oh, that's good, though,
'cause I killed her.
1007
00:38:46,558 --> 00:38:47,526
(groans)
1008
00:38:47,559 --> 00:38:50,896
(laughing):
Kidding. I'm kidding.
1009
00:38:50,929 --> 00:38:51,997
(laughs)
No, I'm not.
1010
00:38:52,030 --> 00:38:53,031
Yes, I am.
Listen.
1011
00:38:53,064 --> 00:38:55,801
Shh, babe, babe,
1012
00:38:55,834 --> 00:38:59,037
I just came up with
the best idea ever.
1013
00:38:59,070 --> 00:39:01,407
I am so cool.
(laughs)
1014
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:04,743
So, come on, baby...
1015
00:39:04,776 --> 00:39:07,379
call me Paula.
1016
00:39:12,584 --> 00:39:14,720
Hey.
1017
00:39:14,753 --> 00:39:16,087
Wha...
1018
00:39:16,121 --> 00:39:20,592
Sorry. Um, I will...
think about the baby thing.
1019
00:39:20,626 --> 00:39:22,428
What? Oh...
1020
00:39:22,461 --> 00:39:24,029
Okay, just wanted to say that.
1021
00:39:24,062 --> 00:39:26,565
So, I'm gonna go.
By the way,
1022
00:39:26,598 --> 00:39:27,999
this thing is amazing.
1023
00:39:28,033 --> 00:39:29,768
You were right all along.
I should have never doubted you.
1024
00:39:29,801 --> 00:39:32,404
I've already gotten,
like, 500 pre-orders, so.
1025
00:39:32,438 --> 00:39:34,573
I have some ants to kill.
1026
00:39:34,606 --> 00:39:36,442
Honk, honk.
(chuckles)
1027
00:39:41,447 --> 00:39:42,881
(exhales)
1028
00:39:42,914 --> 00:39:44,683
Okay, what we have
to show the jury, though,
1029
00:39:44,716 --> 00:39:46,785
is proximate cause, to wit,
1030
00:39:46,818 --> 00:39:50,456
how long in advance did Josh
plan to ruin your wedding?
1031
00:39:50,489 --> 00:39:52,924
Okay, are we talking
specific intent or negligence?
1032
00:39:52,958 --> 00:39:54,793
Speaking of negligence,
I've been meaning to ask you,
1033
00:39:54,826 --> 00:39:57,429
who's Robert?
Sorry, who?
1034
00:39:57,463 --> 00:39:58,797
Is that relevant
to the case?
1035
00:39:58,830 --> 00:40:00,432
You said his name out loud
on the cliff,
1036
00:40:00,466 --> 00:40:02,133
with all those other
abandoning turds.
1037
00:40:02,167 --> 00:40:04,770
And, you know, you seemed
really upset about it, and...
1038
00:40:04,803 --> 00:40:07,606
Right, right, so,
Robert was my dog.
1039
00:40:07,639 --> 00:40:10,742
And it was a dog I loved,
and he was a male dog.
1040
00:40:10,776 --> 00:40:13,612
And he ran away and just
left me one day.
1041
00:40:13,645 --> 00:40:14,613
They're all monsters.
1042
00:40:14,646 --> 00:40:16,782
Mm-hmm.
Hi, are you Rebecca?
1043
00:40:16,815 --> 00:40:18,450
Yeah...
1044
00:40:18,484 --> 00:40:21,920
I'm Nathaniel's date.
He wanted you to see me,
1045
00:40:21,953 --> 00:40:24,456
so, this is what I look like.
1046
00:40:24,490 --> 00:40:26,458
That... that is not
what I said, okay?
1047
00:40:26,492 --> 00:40:28,660
I was very specific
about what I wanted
1048
00:40:28,694 --> 00:40:30,629
with Casting Call |
magazine.
1049
00:40:30,662 --> 00:40:32,498
Can I have a bottle of water?
Oh, my God.
1050
00:40:32,531 --> 00:40:33,398
NATHANIEL:
Get out.
1051
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,534
WOMAN:
So stupid...
Come on, come on.
1052
00:40:35,567 --> 00:40:36,568
That's...
1053
00:40:40,539 --> 00:40:42,140
Okay, I don't know
what that was...
1054
00:40:42,173 --> 00:40:44,976
I do, but it's...
Honestly, it's so heartbreaking
1055
00:40:45,010 --> 00:40:46,512
I can't... I can't even...
1056
00:40:46,545 --> 00:40:48,079
Anyway, this is so fun.
1057
00:40:48,113 --> 00:40:50,482
You and me,
plus the law--
1058
00:40:50,516 --> 00:40:51,617
we are unstoppable.
1059
00:40:51,650 --> 00:40:52,984
And this révenge,
1060
00:40:53,018 --> 00:40:56,522
this will actually make you
feel better, I know it.
1061
00:40:56,555 --> 00:40:57,856
Oh, my God, totally.
Like, what could be more
1062
00:40:57,889 --> 00:40:59,658
emotionally satisfying
than parsing the fine points
1063
00:40:59,691 --> 00:41:00,692
of tortious interference?
1064
00:41:00,726 --> 00:41:01,960
(laughing):
Right?
1065
00:41:01,993 --> 00:41:03,562
And this is gonna
make you feel so much better
1066
00:41:03,595 --> 00:41:04,963
than pooping
in a plastic container.
1067
00:41:04,996 --> 00:41:06,665
Totally.
I'm so glad
1068
00:41:06,698 --> 00:41:07,833
you got that out
of your system.
1069
00:41:07,866 --> 00:41:08,834
I mean,
it was just,
1070
00:41:08,867 --> 00:41:11,202
it was so silly and not smart.
1071
00:41:11,236 --> 00:41:13,672
I know, it was just me being,
like, kind of a sad,
1072
00:41:13,705 --> 00:41:15,641
desperate child acting out.
1073
00:41:15,674 --> 00:41:19,578
So, this is way better.
1074
00:41:26,718 --> 00:41:28,620
*
1075
00:41:47,906 --> 00:41:49,541
(laughing)
1076
00:41:49,575 --> 00:41:51,276
or ed bCayptns
ioni ngCB sSpo
1077
00:41:51,309 --> 00:41:52,343
ptioCaneptd iobyne d
Medi a MeAcdicea ssAc Gcerossup B
assac.wcegbssh..worgbgh.
1078
00:41:52,377 --> 00:41:52,410
orgr ed bCayptns
ioni ngCB sSpo75277
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