Original subtitles

Previously onCrazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Thank you. You are really always there when I need someone.

Nathaniel, what you just did meant a lot to me, really.

You know, we should, uh... Yeah.I-I should get my stuff.

You're choosing to stay in West Covina?

Because I still care about you.

But I still really care about you,

like, so much.Me, too.

Rebecca and I, we're just friends again.

I'm sorry.

♪ Meet Rebecca

♪ She's the coolest girl in the world, wait ♪

♪ Wrong Rebecca

♪ It's this one over here

♪ She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend ♪

♪ Oh, but there she looks kind of mean ♪

Hmm.♪ Okay, she's snarky

♪ Sarcastic and a... What? ♪

♪ You know, we're not really seeing a common theme ♪

♪ Meet Rebecca

♪ She's too hard to summarize ♪

♪ So let's go back to Other Rebecca. ♪

Asparagus is my enemy.

[Rebecca scoffs]

That community theater thing was just such a disaster.

So humiliating. And it sucks because...

I thought it would make me happy.

What am I supposed to do now?

No, I'm not asking you, butter.

You're never any help.

I talk to butter. It's a thing.

Josh,

what do I do with my life?

Seriously. I thought I'd landed on something

with community theater, and it's weird,

because as frustrated and confused as I am,

I feel like I'm close to something.

I just... I just need to fight through the confusion

and focus and not get distracted

by the things that normally blow me off course.

Rebecca, I'm in love with you.

What?

I'm in love with you.

I'm sorry, allow me to shift my focus completely.

Uh, hold on a second.

What?

I'm in...No.

I actually heard you. Um...

What?I've been feeling

like this for a while now, but I tried to push it aside

because our history is complicated.

But I can't keep it inside anymore.

Rebecca,

I saw you almost kiss Nathaniel,

and now I need to know.

Is it him?

Or do I have a chance?

Late. What?

I am late for work. I'm late for work.

And this is an important conversation,

but I don't want to rush it, so bye, now.

It's Nathaniel, isn't it?

It's him, isn't it?

Oh, my God.

[chuckles]: Oh, Julia, this view.Yeah?

Oh, man. At my old firm,Uh-huh.

the view was of an animal clinic,

a body shop and an online tuxedo rental place,

so this is amazing.[laughs] Well, I'm glad you like it,

because we are very happy to have you here.

I want you to meet the team. Guys.

So, this is Lisa, Melanie, Malcolm and Craig.

Oh, hi. Wow.

You are all super groomed.

[chuckles]Just keeping it tight.

I love it.

Not a Tim in the bunch.

Oh. Thanks, guys. I'll see you later.

Every single one of them a superstar.Oh.

Okay, so we have some documents for you to sign.

Okay.And, uh, once you're done signing them,

I can, uh, take you to accounting

and give you your signing bonus.

Wait. Today?

Yeah.

[laughs]: Uh...

I'm gonna get a check for $10,000 today?

Yes.Okay. Well, I just...

I-I thought you would sprinkle that bonus over a few weeks.

Actually, you know what?

It's such a small amount that we could even

give it to you in cash.

Sound good?Uh, sure.

I love you. You are beautiful.

Oh.

Almost as beautiful as your suit.

[laughs]

I love that suit. Where did you get that?

Oh, this? This is Fett Regoso Couture.

I love them.

I have one for every day of the week.

It's the unofficial office uniform.

Uniform. Okay. Cool.

Oh, it makes us feel like a team.

Like the Yankees or the Rockettes.

Well, I like both those things.

Just a little something that we do.

We do. Yes. And I am we.

And so all are we together.

And so I will with the suits.

Right?

[indistinct crowd chatter]

Hey, most beautiful wife in the world.

Oh, hey.

You're coming to my workplace with compliments?

Yeah, can I borrow your keys?

Not because I lost mine,

but because I like the sound they make

when they jangle together.

And I'm looking for interesting sounds to sample

for those SoundCloud hip-hop songs I've been making.

You lost your keys again.

Indeed, yes.Yeah.

Uh, here, I made you an extra set.

I actually made you four extra sets

because, yeah, for next time.

There won't be a next time.

I'll see you next time.

Hey, sorry.

No, don't worry. I handled it.

I know you're not, like, trying to stress me out.

Oh, I would never do that.

I know.

Oh!

Oh, man.

Uh-huh.Got your phone wet.

Yep.Sorry.

Also, I needed your phone to call an Uber.

Yeah. That tracks.

I hear you. You want me to propose. I'm not ready.

How much longer are we gonna argue about this?Until I have

something oval cut on my finger.

Oh, my God.Why can't you

just let me have this?

I love you, I want us to spend our lives together,

and I've always dreamed about being a bride.

Right. And is this part of what you always dreamed of?

Bullying the person you love into proposing?

[laughs]: Yes. Isn't it magical?

Say it's magical.

You're going through a thing that has nothing to do with me.

And I don't want to fight about it anymore.

I'm going home to New York, Valencia.

Are you coming with me?

[sighs]

Fine.

AJ: Get out.

Josh said what?Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't know what to say.

I mean, a few years ago, I would have killed

to hear him say that. Literally.

I almost killed someone's cat because of him.

In fairness, he almost killed me

by letting me fall into a carnival pit.

Ugh, they have to fill that carnival pit.

I almost lost a nephew.

Just makes it so hard to love that carnival.

But I do. I do love that carnival.

Anyway, how do you feel about Josh now?

Or Greg? Or Nathaniel?

I honestly don't know.

I just can't believe this is still happening.

It's-it's so painful and exhausting.

Yeah, I get it. It sucks.

You have three gorgeous men to choose from.

All of my matches on Tinder

are grifters from the Czech Republic,

but you're right. You have a huge problem.

DARRYL: Problem? What problem? Oh.

I'm sorry. I've just been standing here

waiting for a cinnamon raisin.

Darryl, have you ever had to make a really difficult decision

and you didn't know what to do?

Say there are three equally viable options.Me?

All the time. I struggle a lot with decisions.

So much so that I made a study

about how to compare options.

Yeah, I read books,

listened to podcasts and TED Talks,

and I have developed

a very effective and foolproof system.

It's hard to explain.

It's easier if I show you.

AJ: This is your system?

This is just columns.

Ooh. Columns. Ooh, that is good.

I've been trying to come up with a name.

Okay, let's look

at the Nathaniel column first. All right.

We have "charming,

"handsome, smart,

chemistry off the charts." Yeah.

"Amazing in the sack." And now "evolved."

I mean, really, he has the approval

of the women in the county jail.

That's impossible. They're only so-so on Beyoncé.

[sighs] Okay.

Maybe it is Nathaniel, right?

Yeah, but look at the Josh column.

"Affectionate, emotionally available,

incredible bod, understands my inner child."

And now "evolved."

And, of course, "amazing in the sack."

Yeah. And, God, I mean, if I ended up with Josh,

that would make a certain sense. I did move here for him.

[sighs] Maybe it is Josh.

Maybe, but now let's mosey our eyes over to the Greg list.

Mm.And we've got "forgiveness."

Of course, since, Jesus-like,

he forgave you for bopping his pop.

Oh, gross.You did it.

He just said it.Mm-hmm.

And then you wrote "smart, compassionate, funny,

"foxy A.H., surprising

and seems to understand me in some profound way."

Also, "amazing in the sack."

That seems to be a constant.DARRYL: Mm-hmm.

Yes, I've been blessed with gifted lovers.

Well, to be fair, I've taught them well.

[sighs] Guys, maybe it is Greg.

Maybe it is Nathaniel.

Maybe it is Josh.

Oh, my God. This is just... This is terrible.

I can't believe this is happening again

and that I'm back in a....

Oh, God.

I'm coming, I'm coming. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready.

♪ What's a girl to do when she's back here again? ♪

♪ After so much growth, she's still stuck between men ♪

♪ So sweep off the sets

♪ Good, you found the old swing... ♪

Just put it anywhere. That's cool.

♪ Let's see if I remember

♪ The words to sing

♪ I'm back here again

♪ Oh, boy, what fun

♪ Guess it's time to make up

♪ More geometry puns

♪ The math of love quadrangles

♪ Is way more fun than trig

♪ But what about your feelings? ♪

♪ Hmm, we don't see those on a fig ♪

♪ The math of love quadrangles

♪ Is so juicy while it lasts

♪ I can't ask you to share

♪ Come on, don't be a square

♪ I thought all this drama was back in my past ♪

♪ Joke's on you, bitch

♪ You'll never be free.

No!

Sorry.

I-I was figuring something out in my head.

Guys, my life is a disaster.

And not just my love life. It feels like everything.

I-I can't go on like this. What do I do?

[FaceTime ringing]

Huh, a FaceTime from David.

That's Audra Levine's husband.

Hmm.

Yeah, hi, David.

Rebecca, Audra needs your help.[babies crying]

Audra Levine needs my help? Why?

She abandoned me and the triplets.

She went to Las Vegas

last week for a bachelorette trip,

and she hasn't come back.

I need someone to bring her back,

and I can't ask someone who's actually a part of our lives

or whose opinion matters at all.

So will you help me?

According to the credit card bill,

she's still at the Casa Majestic Casino.

Wow, this is terrible news.

I mean,

Audra Levine has abandoned

her mature, adult life and holed up

in an off-brand Vegas casino?

Well, this is sad.

This is so sad.DAVID: Rebecca, I...

I can see you smiling.

This is FaceTime. We're on FaceTime.Sorry.

Is there any chance that-that you would go to Vegas

a-and bring her back home?

[scoffs]DAVID: I know that you're probably really busy

and have way more important things

that you could be doing...Yeah.

Yeah, I do have way better things to be doing.

I'm actually making a very big decision now

in my amazing life.

Uh...

But you know what?

This is more important.

So yes, David.

I will go. You can count on me, as always.

Oh, good. Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, boy.

Well, I guess the columns have to wait.What?

No, the columns wait for no one.

Ooh, that is a good slogan.

Guys, you heard David. Audra needs me.

Or you want to procrastinate on your decision

and see your frenemy at her lowest

so you can feel superior and rub it in a little.

AJ, you're a damn bitch.

Thank you.

This counts as overtime.

Does it?Mm-hmm.

Hector is like having a kid sometimes.

It's like having a kid before I have a kid.

Other than the kid I gave birth to, which doesn't count.

At least you're married.

Beth left town and didn't even answer my ultimatum.

I thought the whole point of an ultimatum

was trapping someone into giving you an answer.

Mm...

Good thing Paula's happy.

I really am.

Oh.I'm sorry.

Mmm.But the people at my firm are so nice.

I mean, I thought they were gonna be snooty

and that I wouldn't fit in,

but, you know, now that I've been there...

It's basically perfect. [laughs]

All I have to do is get me

one of them suits, and then I will be one of them.

Mmm.I'm gonna see

how much they cost.

You know, they're probably pretty expensive.

Yeah.At least, like,

three or four hundred...

Oh, my God!

The jacket alone is $8,000!

Oh.Um...

That's almost my whole bonus.

And that money was supposed to pay off our credit cards.

And we need a new roof on the house.

HEATHER: Oh, cool.

So we're all kind of miserable.

This will be a cool lunch.

REBECCA: Hey, ladies. I'm sorry.

I can't make lunch. There's an emergency.

I have to go save a life.

Anyway, I just came here to tell you that.

Seems like a text.

Also, sometimes you just don't show up at all,

which also would have been fine.

Look, to be honest, I have to go to Vegas,

and I really don't want to go alone.

Does anyone want to come with me?

Let's see, babysit my husband or go to Vegas?

Let's see, get rejected again or go to Vegas?

Vegas? I can turn that ten grand

into 50 Fett Regoso suits and a new roof.

What?Nothing.

Just being supportive. Let's go!

Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm so in.Oh, awesome. Okay.

Oh, um, we just can't go to the Bellagio or the MGM.

It's a... You know, it's a long story.

Ah.

[inhales] Sir.

Hey, buddy.I need you to stand down.

Literally what do you mean?You heard me.

Stand down.

This morning, I declared to Rebecca that I care about her.

I cared about her before you did.

You cared about her at the theater the other day,

but before that, I cared about her,

like when we moved in together.

But before that, yes, it was you.

But before that, we almost got married.

And, yes, before that, you guys kissed in the elevator,

but before that, at summer camp, it was me.

So I say to you, sir... stand down.

Oh. Huh.

I'm not gonna do that.

That's not something people do.

You made

a declaration to Rebecca. I get it.

You're talking to the king of declarations.

Look, if someone made a supercut of all the times

I declared my love to Rebecca, it would be... long.

Regardless, I can't--

to use your parlance-- stand down,

because honestly, I think Rebecca and I,

some way, somehow, have a chance to be together.

Well, then, we have a problem, because we clearly both believe

that we're who she's meant to be with.

One of has to be wrong. One of us has to be...

Josh?

Did you just forget your name, buddy?

What? Oh.

My name's on that whiteboard.

AJ?

AJ, why is my name on that whiteboard?

Uh...

You have... detention.

JOSH: Nathaniel,

your name's up there, too.

Yeah, uh... No, I... Oh.

Uh...AJ?

[sighs]

Greg?

It's me, you and Greg?

And it looks like she's really torn,

like she doesn't even know who she wants to be with.

Oh. Huh.

I don't like this.

I'm asking you nicely to get out of my kitchen.

This is how customers get meningitis.

Wow. I got a lot to think about.

I thought it was just you, which was bad enough.

Yeah, you know what?

I don't want to be a part of a weird horse race, okay?

You know what? I'm standing down.

And I...

I shall do samesies.

♪

Ah. Okay, we're here.

And can I just say I feel like a badass right now?

Yeah, totally. Me, too.

Yeah.Okay.

We're four badass chicks walking into a casino.

I think we know what needs to happen now.

♪

♪ Slow motion, slow motion

♪ We walkin' in the room in slow motion ♪

♪ Slow motion, slow motion

♪ That's how cool we feel

PAULA: ♪ Looking this good should be a crime ♪

HEATHER: ♪ 'Cause my girls and I be stoppin' time ♪

REBECCA: ♪ Oh, my God, we're so hot

ALL: ♪ Even blinking looks amazing

VALENCIA: Slay! ALL: ♪ If only life

♪ Were as good as this feels

♪ Let's make the slow motion real ♪

This is much harder than I thought.

This is not... it's not working, right?

Yeah. Feels like I'm doing some weird...

Okay, let's just go... Yeah.Okay. Yeah.

ALL: ♪ Back to fantasy slow motion

♪ Slow motion

♪ Don't talk to us, we're in slow motion ♪

♪ Slow motion, slow motion

♪ Fine, the MGM's across the street ♪

HEATHER: ♪ Don't have bills to pay

ALL: ♪ In slow motion

VALENCIA: ♪ Problems go away

ALL: ♪ In slow motion

PAULA: ♪ If you're stressed, why not take a trip ♪

♪ To 48 frames per second?

VALENCIA: Yaas! REBECCA: ♪ Oh, no

♪ Our entrance is almost over

ALL: ♪ Let's go even slower

REBECCA [in slow motion]: Not sure this works.

HEATHER [in slow motion]: Agreed.

ALL: ♪ Back to normal fantasy slow motion, slow motion ♪

♪ It went from sexy to boring slow motion ♪

♪ Slow motion, slow motion

♪ Whatever you do, don't sneeze ♪

♪ But definitely look to the side ♪

♪ Flip your hair, put on sunglasses ♪

♪ Take off the sunglasses and just hold them, I guess ♪

♪ Slow motion, slow motion

♪ Damn, we're out of room.

[sneezes] Oh.

Bless you.Oh, thank you.

Oh, that was actually a relatively short walk

to the reception desk. It felt a lot longer.Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

I was wondering if you could tell me, uh,

what room is Audra Levine in?

We don't give out room numbers

to protect the privacy of our guests.

I thought you'd say that, but listen, this is an emergency.

Hey. Mm. Mm-hmm?

Did I see pai gow on the floor? Mm-hmm.

Because I'm actually here to see...

Hi. We're with

the Martinez bachelorette. Is there any way

we can change rooms?

We came here to have a good time.

We brought Molly.

Yeah, Molly's our friend, and she brought drugs.

But the woman next door to us is really harshing our vibe.

Yeah, she keeps yelling, "Sheket bevakasha,"at us

and referring to herself as an alpha bitch.

That's our girl. Hey, what room's the bitch in again?

ALL: 428.Room 428. Come on, let's go.

Hey, it looks like they have Caribbean stud.

Interesting.

[knocking]

Ugh. Rebecca Bunch.

What are you doing here?

David called me.

Uh, what?[mutters] Mm-hmm.

Oh. Hello.

Okay, everyone.

Oh.Someone's living large.

Hey, living your best life. It's very nice.

Nice. Yeah.

David called you?

Wow.

He must really be desperate.

You know what? He's concerned,

because he needs you to come home,

and your three children need you to come home.

What do you care?

I mean, we've known each other our whole lives.

And I care about you in my own way.

You're like an annoying family member.

And then I told my friends about your situation,

and they selflessly agreed to come help.

HEATHER: Exactly.

Females helping females.

And that's called sisterhood.

Okay, fine.

You win.

I mean, there's nothing keeping me in Las Vegas anyway.

I just needed a little break.

You've all done your good deed for the day.

I'm gonna go pack.

Wow. That... worked.

Yeah, it did.

And now we can go home, back to our lives.

And the, uh... the choices that come with those lives.

Yeah, and it's-it's not like we want to stay for a little bit

and sit in on a few blackjack hands or anything, right?

[loud thud] [gasps]

ALL: What?

She's gone.

We got a runner.

Oh, no.So sad.

We can't leave yet.

[crowd chatter]

Oh, see? Look at that.

Those two people are in love.

I bet they don't have any issues with...

commitment.

Audra?!

Oh, my God, stop following me.

MAN: Oh, babe, who are these chicks?

I'm not usually up for three-ways.

[laughs]

But the redhead can stay.

Audra, who is this guy?

This is...

Jesse. [laughs]

Can't spell "Jesus" without "Jesse."

Yes, you... you can.

He bought me a drink at the bachelorette party,

and now I'm moving to Las Vegas to be with him.

[both laughing]

I mean, you get it. You did the same thing.

Pulling a Rebecca Bunch.

How great is that pizza bianco?

It was delicious.

In fact, I would like for you to refer to me

as "Josh Bianco" from now on. Thank you.

You took off all the cheese and soaked up the oil

with a paper towel and ate that.

It was a cheat day.Okay.

Oh. This is concerning.

Sir, I would like you to stand down.

Hey, Josh. Uh, what?

It has been brought to my attention

that Rebecca is torn between me, you and Nathaniel.

He has agreed to stand down,

and, sir, that is what I ask of you.

Oh, this is tremendous.

What are you talking about?

Shall you or shan't you stand down?

Serrano!

Gonna need you to stand down, buddy.

Oh, Josh is here.

You know, I let my cable and my Netflix lapse.

Turns out I didn't need it.

[quietly]: Don't enjoy it. I mean, it is enjoyable.

JOSH: Dude, what are you doing here?

You said you were standing down.

Well, so did you. You said you were standing down.

Well, I realized I couldn't live without Rebecca.

I realized that, too,

and then I realized that he needed to stand down.

Wait, wait, wait. Someone say "Stand down" again.

Stand down!No!

Guys, I don't know what you're talking about.

Rebecca and I are over.

She has no interest in me.

[sighs]

He doesn't know about the whiteboard.

Oh, we got to show him the whiteboard.

Please show us the whiteboard.

Does anyone know where the whiteboard is?

Follow me.

[grunts]

Whoa. This is nuts.

This is awful.

She's making lists?

They're columns,

and I'm gonna trademark columns.

You're gonna trademark the word "columns"

or just the concept of columns?

Oh. I don't know. I'm not sure.

Okay.

Well, you can erase my column.

This is dumb. I'm out.

He's standing down, then?

Hey, Audra.

You're pulling a Rebecca Bunch. Wow.

May I talk to you for just a moment?

Can you wait just a minute, Daddy?

PAULA: Daddy?

Don't be late, or you'll get a spankin'.

O... kay.

Okay. Thank you.

[roars]

Don't leave without me.Hey. Hi.

You're using me as justification

for abandoning your three very, very tiny children?

I'm just doing exactly what you did.

What?Yes. You know what?

I've actually secretly admired you

for it for a long time.

You escaped our restrictive upbringing

and started a cute business, you have great friends,

and have dated 9.6's despite being solidly in the fives.

And you're happy with your choices, right?

Uh...

Yes?

Well, then, thank you and your friends or whatever,

but I'm fine, and I actually have to go.

Jesse's playing in a secret, backroom,

high-stakes poker game.

It's in something called the Diamond Suite.

And I have to be there with him because I'm his good luck charm.

He says he's gonna buy me a tiger.

Okay, Audra. Audra![growls]

Audra, this is crazy.

You can't call me crazy, 'cause when you call me crazy,

you're just calling me in love. Blam!

Ah...Don't-don't touch her.

[phone buzzes]

God, I just want to get in there.

Mama needs some fancy suits.

Oh, hey, cool text from Hector.

"Which one is the smoke detector,

"and which one is the carbon monoxide detector?

"Guess it doesn't matter.

I set off both."

VALENCIA: Wait. I went to high school

with that girl.

Is that Denise Martinez?

That bitch I cannot stand.

Hey!

Hey!Hey... girl!

Hey! Hey!

[both laughing]

Hey! Hey!

Having yourself a little Vegas vaycay?

Yeah. Kind of.

Um, it's my bachelorette party.

I'm getting married.

Ah! Can you believe it?

[screams, laughs]

I can't.

Yeah, he was really dragging his heels,

so I gave him a deadline, and he was afraid of losing me,

so he forked over the diamond. Yay!

[giggles]

Mm.

Okay. Got to go. Bye.

REBECCA: Hey, guys.

We got to help Audra. She's in trouble,

and it's kind of because of me, so, uh,

just let's go. Come on.

She said it's some kind of backroom poker game.

Should we wait outside, or should we knock?

Oh. Oh, guys, guys, guys, guys,

"backroom" is code for illegal.

The stakes in these games are massive.

I know this because I-I saw a movie once.

Listen, we got to get in there, we got to double down on-on...

on saving Audrey.

Audra. Yep. Her.

Just... You know what? Just point her out

when we get in there.[knocking]

Who the hell are you?

Hello, sir. We are here to see

a friend in the room.Shh. Get in here.

What? What? What?What the...?

PAULA: Hey!REBECCA: Excuse me, sir.

Do not handle me and my friends in a rough manner!

We're here to see Audra Levine right there.

Never seen her in my life.

Okay, Audra, we can discuss this later,

but I got to get you out of here.Nope.

PAULA: Hey, hey, hey, you know what?

I have an idea. Why don't all of you go,

and take Audra's

skeezeball boyfriend with you, and then

I'll sit at the table

while you all talk it out?

What's the buy-in? What game are we playing?

The game is, you're coming with me.

Oh, come on. Hey.Let's go.

All right.Let's go. Right through there. You, too. Come on.

No!Yes. You, too.

MAN: I don't care.[overlapping chatter]

Get inside. Shut up.

Sit down and be quiet.

ALL: Okay.We can't have you

blabbing about this game to anyone until it's over.

If I hear a peep out of this room,

that window's a nice way to get to the sidewalk.

[door slams shut]

The sidewalk? Wait.

Guys, we're a bunch of stories up.

I think he means throw us out the...

Oh, that's what he means.

You guys already...? Oh, you already got that?

That's so scary.

[exhales sharply] I hope Jesse's okay.

He's hypoglycemic, and the only thing that helps is sex.

Audra, you know who this guy really is, right?

Yeah, honey, I mean, I know he's got that sleazy, oily,

shaved-all-over, bad-boy charm,Ugh.

but he's a loser.

Jesse is not oily. He's just naturally moist.

And you're jealous.

All of you, you're all just jealous.VALENCIA: Hey, lady.

We all uprooted our lives to come out here and save you

and talk you out of child abandonment.

Be a little more respectful.

Yeah, we're basically heroes.

Dare to defy.Mm-hmm.

Oh, please. You three are not here for me.

You're here because you're miserable

and you're trying to avoid your own miserable lives.

Who told you that?What do you know?

Have you talked to Beth?

You all just seem miserable.

At least Rebecca here kind of understands me.

She knows, if you want to be happy,

you gotta make these decisive choices.

Right, Rebecca?

Yeah. I mean, that-that's what I do. Always.

Shh.

[whimpers] Hey.

This loser went all in on a marker and can't cover his bet.

Oh, no, Jesse, what did you do?

I had two high pairs.

That's usually pretty good.

Honey, help me.

Bail me out here.

I... love you?

I can't.

David put a lock

on all my accounts, Daddy.[all groaning]

Well, then tell that Jew banker to just wire the money.

[all exclaiming, groaning]

No way, man. Uh-uh.You can't even think that. No.

We're gonna need that money back in the game,

or this racist loser is gonna hit the pavement

through the window.

REBECCA: Don't get confused, Jesse.

We're a bunch of stories up, so he's threatening

to throw you out the window. I've checked. Yeah.

HEATHER: Rebecca, what about that statement

was confusing to you?No, no, no.

No, definitely out the window. I don't know.

Sometimes, things are one story...

[overlapping arguing]

Okay! Okay! No, no, everyone just shut up!

I got this.

I got the money.

I'm getting in the game.

I'm making up Jesse's money and then some.

Let me see the money.

Deal me in, douchebags.

[gasps]

♪

♪ Slow motion, slow motion

♪ We're watching Paula crush it in slow motion ♪

♪ What's happening?

♪ I don't know poker

♪

♪ Hell yeah

♪ Gambling is awesome

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Hell yeah, in your face

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Heather, Rebecca, Valencia and Audra laughing, cheering]

Oh, my God!

[screaming, cheering]

♪

♪ We're back in more slow motion, slow motion ♪

♪ All eyes on us in slow motion ♪

♪ Are they envious or is it just weird ♪

♪ That we're five people walking in a row ♪

♪ Wearing very similar suits?

♪ Maybe they think we're in a sexy cult ♪

♪ Or flight attendants for five different airlines. ♪

Hey, can I ask you something? Of course.

You and Darryl, Mm.

are you really happy just being friends,

or do you hold out hope

maybe one day you'll get back together?

Oh, no. No. We're-we're really happy just being friends.

Okay, good. Um, all right.

Yeah, maybe that's what I have with Rebecca.

Oh, didn't let me finish.

Uh, Darryl and I are happy just being friends

because we really ultimately didn't work as a couple

and we really are happy with other people.

But you and Rebecca seem different.

Different, how?

Oh, don't make me say it.

Ugh, dude.

I have known you for most of your life,

and I've never seen you as happy as you are

when you're with Rebecca,

even though I am truly, deeply

perplexed as to how,

not only you, but two other guys

could be so into her.

Truly, one of the great puzzlements of the ages.

But... [sighs]

Yeah. You, uh...

you guys seem like you have something special, so...

I don't know. I think you got to give that a shot.

How do I do that?

Well...

Wow, Jesse was a real loser, I guess.

Yeah. He-he is.

I guess I kind of lost my mind.

You know what? I'm actually embarrassed

that you saw me like this.

Especially you, who somehow,

despite all the odds, have your life together now.

So, good job.

Huh.

[exhales] Audra, I'm flattered

that you've been inspired by my life choices,

and I know how you must see me,

you know, as a hardworking

and very decisive pretzel entrepreneur

who has taken many a lover out in West Covina.

Yes, exactly. Yeah.

It's not that easy.

I struggle with making decisions every day,

and I probably will for the rest of my life.

I mean, I came to Vegas just to avoid making a decision.

You did?

Let me ask you something.

Did you run away

because you really don't love your husband and kids

or because it just got hard?

'Cause it got hard.

[sighs] I love my family,

but triplets are rough, okay?

And we're all alone.

It's just me and David and our three au pairs.

It's so much. [crying]

There's always something touching my breasts.

[clears throat]

That sounds hard.

Yeah.

But something I learned from moving across the country

was not to just make rash decisions,

but to face up to my life.

And it's hard to do, but if you do it, it's worth it.

Well, you're a lot cooler than I thought you were.

Oh. Well, ditto.

[laughs] May I say

it feels very good to have you say something nice about me.

Yeah. You know, actually,

I could say a lot of nice things about you.

Yeah.

♪ All of our lives, you were toxic, obnoxious ♪

♪ Now, though, you've brought me from nauseous to naches ♪

♪ I'm proud of you, Bunch

♪ You're a grown-up, you got this ♪

♪ Kol hakavod, you're a goddess ♪

♪ Me? But you're so responsible ♪

♪ Career's on sizzle, husband, ditto ♪

♪ Three great kiddos

♪ You've got competence, class

♪ Plus a skinny-ass waist and a toned-ass ass ♪

♪ Well, you've got a free spirit which I see and commend ♪

♪ So like 2 Chainz without the N-Z at the end ♪

♪ I wish you double chai for following the tug ♪

♪ Of the heart behind your 36 triple-D jugs ♪

♪ Wow, what a boost for my confidence ♪

♪ Yeah, I mean, I gotta give it up ♪

♪ I'm pretty good at giving compliments ♪

♪ Nice bubble, bubbeleh, I really hate to pop it ♪

♪ But nobody's got a plaudit any hotter than I drop it ♪

♪ This is a JAP praise fight

♪ Half affirmation

♪ Half cage fight

♪ Killing you with kindness

♪ Yeah, you're dang right

♪ It's a head-to-head yasher koach mazel tov off ♪

♪ You know what? Let's squash it ♪

♪ You're awesome ♪ Seconded, same

♪ Rebecca-wise, my game recognize game ♪

♪ Thanks, I appreciate that

♪ Yeah, I mean, there's a reason ♪

♪ I'm called "Esteem Queen Levine" ♪

♪ Can it with the accolades slash shade catapulting ♪

♪ You are the one who is great at adulting ♪

♪ All your hard work

♪ Ultimately resulting in triumph ♪

♪ Damn, that's some sneaky insulting ♪

♪ Skip the emotional judo

♪ I am the B. Knowles-Carter of kudos ♪

♪ I'm the LeBron James of acclaim ♪

♪ Then you might as well call me the Michelle of the kvell ♪

♪ Go to hell ♪ This is

♪ A JAP cheer-scrimmage

♪ Like a rap battle

♪ But the mirror image

♪ Both of us'll feel great

♪ When we're finished

♪ Giving a dope-slap of dap

♪ To this JAP

Which does stand for Jewish-American Princess,

a term that, on one hand, does reinforce

negative, negative stereotypes about both Jews and women,

but, on the other hand,

is a term that we want to reclaim and own.

Also, should acknowledge

that me saying "dap to this JAP" is appropriative

and a little problematic, if we're being honest.

Yep.

♪ This is touchy stuff and it's pretty complicated ♪

♪ But I noticed the dynamic

♪ And I thought that I should name it ♪

♪ Just like I hated you

♪ But now I kinda like you

♪ This song's another thing

♪ I can see two sides to

♪ Terrific self-awareness

♪ Knock if off, Audra

♪ You never stop, do you?

♪ Can't and don't wanna

♪ You're a wonderful lady

♪ But an insufferable baby

♪ Should we make out?

♪ What? No. Maybe.

You know what? Let's just shake hands.

Right. Of course. Yeah.

[laughs]

Oh, my God, Rebecca, your hands are so dry,

it's like petting a lizard.

Would it kill you to moisturize?

Good-bye, Audra.

Bye.

Hi. Can I charge those drinks to her room? Thank you.

WHITE JOSH: I think I have a solution.

Something that involves none of you

standing down. [laughs]

Sorry, that phrase is just so dumb.

Uh, anyway, I got this idea.

I was planted in front of my TV,

which is what I sometimes do when I'm doing my crunches.

As you guys know, I do a lot of crunches.

I also do a lot of crunches.

All right. I'll just tell you what it is.

[chuckles]

Hey, hey. Hey.

You are looking sharp.

That is a nice suit.

Thank you. Fett?

Yeah. Feels great.

I love it.

Got it with the proceeds of a backroom poker game.

Illegal? Allegedly.

[laughs] But, Julia, I have to tell you

that this is the last one of these suits that I will buy.

Because, good Lord, even if I could afford it... why?

It's just jackets and pants and skirts, and so...

I'm sorry if I don't fit in, but... I just can't do it.

Paula, we do not care how you dress.

That's not why we hired you.

You are a brilliant legal mind.

You just keep on doing that,

and you're gonna fit in here just fine.

Wow. Okay.

Thank you.

I just, you know, I just wanted to fit in so badly,

and so I thought I needed the suits,

and I'm glad I don't.

No.

Oh, by the way, hot tip:

They have some great stuff at Dress Barn.

It's a dress barn?

Yeah. You know what? It's not for you.

I see that.

[chuckles] Probably not.

Probably not.

HECTOR: Hey, do you know where

my gray hoodie is?

It was in that pile of...

one gray hoodie on the floor.

Um, no, I don't.

You are gonna have to find that hoodie yourself.

Hector,

I am not your mommy.

And you are not my daddy.

I learned that in Vegas.

We are partners in this marriage,

and I need you to show up.

Okay? We have to work together,

or someday I might run off to Vegas to be with a guy

who's made multiple submission tapes to The Real World.

Okay. I get it.

Uh, I guess I did that because you picked up the slack

and I liked it.

But I won't do it again.

Thank you.

Great.

So... gray hoodie.

Sunset on it. No?

Mm. Mm-mm. Yep, no. No?

Oh, I'll find it. Don't worry.

It's just... left my keys in there.

Mm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So, when I saw that Denise Martinez

pressured someone into a proposal,

I realized ultimatums are super basic,

so I don't want to do them anymore.

That's good... I guess.

I love you.

I hope you can forgive me.

I forgive you.

And, V, you know,

I wasn't saying no to marriage forever.

If, one day, you decide you want to get down

on one knee and give me a nice square cut,

ethically sourced diamond, I might say yes.

Wait. I can propose?

♪

Hey, Rebecca.

Oh, hey, Darryl.

You know, as great as this system is--

and it is truly groundbreaking--

I know what I need to do.

I need to be an adult.

And I need to have an open and honest conversation

with each of these guys

and finally just make a choice once and for all.

It's funny you should say that,

because I've been asked to bring you somewhere.

Wait. I think...

You guys, there, there, there, there. Hmm?

Oh. Oh.

[exhales] Whoa.

Hey. Hi.

I guess "sup" is the only greeting

that hasn't been used yet.

Look, Rebecca, this is, uh...

Well, this is insane, and I can't believe

I'm forming these words, but we've all agreed...

W-W-We're proposing you go on three dates with three guys.

Nine dates?

I mean, that's... that's such a weird number.

No, no, no. Uh, one date with each of us,

and then at the end of that, you make your decision.

Oh.

Uh, if you're comfortable with the plan.

Yeah. Only if it's okay with you.

So, what do you think?

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