Original subtitles

I wouldn't want to live his life. He hasn't been happy.

I think if you can find work, stay healthy,

find somebody to share it, you're the ultimate success.

He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle but not all of them.

I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...

I, Ronald Reagan, do solemnly swear...

That I will faithfully execute

the office of President of the United States.

That I will faithfully execute...

When you're young, your potential is infinite.

You might do anything, really.

You might be Einstein, you might be DiMaggio.

Then you get to an age when what you might be

gives way to what you have been.

You weren't Einstein.

You weren't anything.

That's a bad moment.

Chuck, it's Pen.

Jesus. How did you find me?

You wrote me your last letter on hotel stationery.

Fuck.

It's great to see you, Pen. You look... beautiful.

This place is scary.

Yeah. The human psyche.

I came to take you back to California with me.

No.

It's a lonely state without you.

I am home, Red.

I can't wait forever. Please marry me.

Well, apparently, I can.

But... I really don't want to.

Penny.

Listen, I gotta go. I'm kind of busy right now.

OK?

It was 1981, and I had holed myself up in this New York hotel.

The Phoenix Hotel.

Terrified of everything.

Ashamed of my life.

Until finally I realised

my salvation might be in recording my wasted life unflinchingly.

Maybe it would serve as a cautionary tale.

Maybe it would help me understand why,

when I was 11, I had an experience

with my sister's friend Tuvia that left an indelible impression.

What?

- Tuvia - What?

Wanna lick it?

No. Why should I?

Well, it tastes like strawberry.

My sister tells me you love strawberries.

Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.

Seriously. It tastes like a strawberry lollipop.

- Look, I know that's not true. - I bet you it does.

I bet you it doesn't.

I bet you a dollar.

Tuvia.

My first love.

Perhaps my whole life turned at that point.

The repulsiveness of my sex

confirmed by the taste buds of a ripening pubescent girl.

And so I found myself in a downward spiral of debauchery.

Endlessly chasing pussy.

My only focus in life to get laid, get blown. Fool myself into believing

given the right combination of circumstances and deception,

maybe the Tuvias of the world could desire me the way I desired them.

I only wanted to loved.

A constant, inarticulate rage led to bar fight after bar fight.

Directly across the avenue...

I had heard that television was an industry with a future.

So I packed up and moved from Philly to Manhattan.

We began making commercial broadcasts in 1941

and in 1953, NBC made the first ever colour telecast by network

during the Colgate Comedy Hour.

Now we'll see the studio where they make the Today show.

Excuse me, Miss. Do you know where I can apply for NBC page?

The Perry Como Show which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30.

The Nat King Cole Show which you won't wanna miss

on Tuesdays at 8pm

and hold on one second...

OK. And my personal favourite, The Lux Show,

starring Rosemary Clooney.

Which you can enjoy every Thursday at ten.

And The Steve Allen Show, on Sundays at eight.

You may like to know that Steve Allen

got his start in entertainment as an NBC page.

Ladies and gentlemen, follow me...

You know Raymond in accounting? He's kinda cute.

Cute is all well and good, Marianne,

but what you want is a man who's going places.

A go-getter on the management fast track.

Yeah, a management trainee application, please, ma'am.

How many people have applied for this?

Let's see. Including you, about 2,000.

- For how many positions? - Five.

Thanks, ma'am.

Sometimes, as a younger man,

I stretched the truth to get what I wanted.

- Tell me again. - Head of sales at 30.

Head of the entire network by 40.

I love you, Mr Chuck Barris.

Management trainee!

Life was sweet.

For a minute.

I got fired today.

Fired?

Yeah, fired.

Fired?

What the fuck did you get fired for?

I don't know. Cutbacks, all that bullshit.

Look, it's gonna be fine.

I'm pregnant.

So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town.

I intend to be important, you know?

I can't be sad over this.

Then I remembered something Carlyle said.

Do the duty which lies nearest thee.

- So you see... - Who's Carlyle?

Dear God. Why do I?

Fuck you, you condescending prick.

Pregnant?

Yeah. Pregnant.

Fuck you.

Why the fuck did you get pregnant?

Fuck you.

Why the fuck did I get pregnant?

You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck.

Fuck you!

Fuck you. Fucking...

Fuck you.

Fuck!

Fuck you.

Looks like I was just late.

Yes. We had a great time.

The crew loved him and the show.

Because it was crazy and we could do anything we wanted to, sort of,

and yeah. They liked him very much.

He was a good guy.

Even though he's a prick, he's a good guy too.

What a dream faculty.

Wouldn't school be wonderful if we had a faculty like this?

Principal Sal Mineo, Vice Principal Tony Perkins.

Imagine a school where Sal Mineo was the principal.

In '61, I had become a minor suit at ABC.

It was during the music payola scandal

so my job was to commute to Philly every day

to the American Bandstand tapings and keep an eye on Dick Clark.

On weekends, I used to hang around amusement parks

because that's where the young girls were.

I wrote a song about my experiences.

I got it to Freddie Boom-Boom Cannon

through my friendship with Dick Clark.

Dick really wanted to help me out.

Hi.

- What? - Hi.

I wrote this song.

It's number three on the pop charts.

- See? - Uh-huh.

Yeah.

There's a great future in television.

Uh-huh.

I'm gonna take my royalties and I'm gonna create a pilot.

A pilot's what they call a test TV show.

I work in TV.

Yeah. What's your name? I'm Chuck.

- Debbie. - Debbie. So you live in Philly?

No. I live in Manhattan.

It's going to be a game show. I see a great future in game shows.

- That's good. - Yeah.

Everyone loves game shows, right?

- I don't know. - Well, they do.

Well, that's great then.

I'm on my way.

Hello.

Hi.

Don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie.

Yeah. I figured that.

- Hungry? - Er... no, thanks.

- Thirsty? - Sure.

If you have a beer...

So how was sex with Debbie? I always wanted to know.

It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking.

No problem.

I just got fucked by this drummer cat. A real righteous negro hipster.

Ha. Interesting.

We did the brotherhood of man. I fucked an Oriental last week.

- What are you? - Jew.

I had one of those once.

He was Sephardic. You look Ashkenazi.

- Ashkenazi? - Right. Ashkenazi.

I haven't had one of those yet.

You're a romantic.

Yeah, I just don't get into all the bullshit between cats and chicks.

- I know what you mean. - You know?

Otherwise you give your heart to one cat and get hurt.

Don't I know it.

We could ball if you want.

That would be good.

What kind of name is Debbie? It doesn't seem right.

That's true. I didn't think of that.

I'm going to go to bed. It was nice meeting you.

What's your name?

I'm Penny.

I'm Chuck.

- Chuck Barris? - Yeah.

You wrote that Palisades song. I like that song.

- Well, thanks. - Yeah, real sentimental bullshit.

Right.

Last night in my dreams, this ape and I are sitting staring at each other.

It was like across time and evolution.

And then he started talking but in a language I didn't really understand.

Swiss, maybe.

And then he turned into Perry Como.

Real square.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Just because we fucked doesn't mean there are strings.

I just wanted to tell you.

Nothing more complicated. Don't panic.

I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit, you know?

Now we're a couple, I'm obliged to give a shit what you say.

Don't worry. I'm not into those games.

So, anyway. The monkey turns into Perry Como.

Holy fuck.

- What? - Holy, holy fuck.

You just gave me an idea.

- For a show. Fuck! - A show about monkeys?

No, about people.

About sex, about romance. About the bullshit of dating.

I call it The Dating Game.

And that's what it's about, Mr Goldberg.

A pretty girl asks three handsome guys

who she can't see silly questions.

And based on her answers, she picks one to date.

And we pay for the date. That's it. That's the show.

Hot damn!

- What? - They bought it!

They bought it! They bought it!

They gave me 7500 fuckin' dollars to do the pilot!

Let's go roller skating!

I can't. I got a date!

- OK, cool. Will you call me after? - OK.

OK. Bye.

I figured I was in.

All I had to do was get the pilot made

and I'd be a millionaire.

Everyone would love me.

Was anyone ever so young?

- No. - No.

- No. - No.

No.

Alright. Lose it.

ABC didn't like "The Dating Game".

They did like a show called "Hootenanny".

Whoa, I like this one.

Well, he led an amazingly long life.

"Hooten-fuckin'-nanny".

What do they know?

That's long for a dog.

I don't know. About 70 for you and me.

It's nine years to every one of ours.

Yeah.

I'm sorry about your show.

What?

How long has it been dead?

Jesus, Phoebe, that's...

Yeah. No, I'll hold on.

- Is that your mum? - My sister.

Come here.

Here we go.

- I got you these. - I'm not...

I wanna tell you something. I talked to a psychic.

- A what? - A psychic.

And she said you are gonna be very successful.

Really. Yeah.

Very successful.

- Tarot cards? - Tea leaves.

Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it.

Tuvia? No, why would I have seen her?

She... She did?

Who's Tuvia?

To Manhattan?

Who's Tuvia?

Yeah.

Your niece.

Divorced? Really?

I didn't know she got married.

Yes?

Hi. Tuvia.

Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris.

What do you want?

I'm back in town for a while and I thought maybe...

Jesus, you've gotta be kidding.

He's so convincing when he talks. He'll convince you of anything.

He's one of the very few guys I'd like to have on my side

in a street fight.

You're a pretty angry young fella.

Can't fight worth a damn, though.

Screw off, queer.

I seen you watching me in that bar for a week now.

Bit of a loner, I'd say. Fairly bright, tad anti-social.

Mad at the world.

Can I buy you lunch?

There's a schoolyard up there. Why don't you go trawling there?

I can teach you at least 30 different ways

to kill a man with a single blow, Mr Barris.

It might help in future bar fights. Just a thought.

And there's money in it. Good money.

You know, I figure if I can keep afloat

until I come up with the next game show idea

then... all will be copacetic.

That sounds great, Chuck.

I've never known a television producer before. I'm impressed.

Yeah. What's the money deal you were talking about?

I work for a governmnent agency.

Always looking for enthusiastic men

to help us carry out our directives.

What kind of work? What government agency?

Problem-solving work.

The Office of Diplomatic Security.

So what?

I've never heard of it. Is that the fucking CIA or something?

Please be discreet, Mr Barris.

Jesus.

It is the fucking CIA?

Yeah, I'll be a spy.

Where do I sign up?

You're fucking with me.

Hardly.

You wouldn't be working for the company.

You'd be an independent contract agent. Independent.

No official tie to any agency.

Understand?

Why me?

As you know, I've been watching you.

For quite some time, actually. I've only let you know in the last week.

I'm happy to report you fit our profile, Mr Barris.

Are you interested in the work?

Well, what's the profile?

Are you interested in the work,

Mr Barris?

Yeah, sure, I wanna be a secret agent.

A contract agent, whatever. Get to fuck Eastern European women.

What we do is very serious, Mr Barris.

It's essential in quelling the rise of Communism,

allowing democracy to get its rightful foothold around the globe.

You understand?

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah. OK. That's good.

There are several efficient methods for killing a man

were you to find yourself without a weapon.

The edge of your hand against your adversary's Adam's apple.

This will crush his windpipe, causing strangulation.

And death.

Shit.

I need another volunteer.

- They're training me to be a killer. - I knew you were bright.

Look, I'm not killing people. My future's in television.

You're 32 years old and you've achieved nothing.

Jesus was dead and alive again by 33. You better get cracking.

I have ideas for shows.

Good. Why don't you spend another six months developing them

while you stare out the window waiting for Goldberg to call?

- What do you know about it? - I know everything about you.

I know which hand you jerk off with. Left.

Leave in the morning, if you want.

I'm here to tell you this is honest work. Good pay.

You're making the world safer. The country'll be grateful.

It'll toughen you up.

But wait a second.

We've gotta talk about this.

And there it was. My defining moment.

I wasn't just gonna work for the CIA.

I was gonna kill for them.

Call it patriotism.

Glycerine is, of course, the best known nitrating agent.

Keep in mind, though, that nitroglycerine is extremely unstable.

A slight tap.

A one-degree change in temperature...

and it will blow up in your hands.

So let's mix us up a batch.

Everybody take your 75 millilitre beaker.

And fill it up to the 13ml level with red hot fuming nitric acid.

98% concentration.

The field phone.

Used as an instrument of interrogation. Or torture.

Attaching firmly to the genitalia.

Ivan.

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?

What's your aunt Tilly's recipe for vodka cookies?

Alright, Jack.

Take care, Lee.

I know a lot about him you are not gonna know. I can't tell you.

Yeah. I know some things about him that are very distressing.

And you wouldn't wanna know them about him.

So what did this guy really do anyway?

Your job is to follow directives, not question them.

- Por favor. Se�or? - No hablo ingl�s.

Ra-ba-bla los loteros?

Ra-bla-bla menjares?

- Eduardo, help me, please. - Se�or, no hablo ingl�s.

- No, no, no. - Can I be of some assistance?

He's a bad guy. He's one of the bad guys.

Bad for the US, right, Jim?

Not in the absolute sense, just bad for the US.

Don't dance with me. He's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company.

He's bad for me personally. You work for me. Renda's bad for me.

You're now a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd.

You can't back out now. We've let you in on everything.

You don't play, you don't leave. Understand?

You don't play, you don't leave.

I like you. I do. You're gonna do fine tomorrow

and we're gonna become good friends.

You're gonna have a nice career but grow up. There's a war on.

Beautiful country, isn't it?

Yeah.

You did us proud today, Chuck.

Renda was a bad guy.

He really was.

- Chuck, is that you? - Jesus Christ, Pen!

You scared the shit out of me.

- What are you doing here? - I've been crashing here.

- Where have you been? - Mexico, on a little vacation.

Did you drink the water?

Yeah.

That's Montessori's Revenge.

Montezuma's.

You can't open your eyes or mouth when you take a shower there.

Why is our water so good and theirs is poison?

- It's the same ocean. - I don't know.

I'm a hippy now.

I've been to San Francisco. It's amazing there.

Everybody loves everybody.

There are so many colours. We're gonna change the world.

Will you come back there and be my old man with me?

Well, not that old.

- Penny, I'm a little tired... - Wait! I gotta play you this song!

Penny?

Penny, what did you do to my wall?

Some guy called. Goldbird.

Goldberg.

Larry Goldberg? You're kidding me!

Hi, this is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg.

- Hi, Chuck. - Mr Goldberg.

I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away.

I was on vacation in Mexico.

Good for you. Listen. I'm just going through things

and I have a hole in my daytime schedule.

It might be right for your baby.

My... My baby, Mr Goldberg?

Chuck, The Dating Game. Isn't that your baby?

- Yes, sir. It is. - Are you still interested?

Yes. Very interested.

I've got six weeks to get it on. Is that do-able for your people?

My people? Six weeks?

Sure. Yeah.

Give me a call when you get to LA, Chuck.

Goddamn!

Hot dog!

Shit! Yes!

Who's Larry Goldberg?

Bachelor number one. What would I like most about you?

I'm very romantic and I'd send you flowers every day.

That's so sweet.

Bachelor number three, what would I like most about you?

My big cock.

Bachelor number one. What nationality are you?

My daddy is Welsh, my mama's Hungarian,

so I guess that makes me Well-Hung.

Bachelor number... two.

I play the trombone.

If I blew you, what would you sound like?

What would I sound like?

Alright...

That's nice, don't stop...

Blow it, baby.

Chuck, quite frankly, these episodes are unairable.

Look, Larry. The show's spontaneous. It's unscripted. That's its charm.

- I can't help what people say. - Be that as it may, Mr Barris.

We can't have black men getting blow jobs on national television.

It's not that he's black.

- I know that, Larry. - Chuck, that's it.

We can't air this stuff. If you can't retain spontaneity on the show

without lewd conduct, it's finished, you're history.

Fix this fucking thing or we've got a problem.

Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today,

I'd like to introduce you to Mr Peter Janks

from the Federal Communications Commission. OK?

Thank you, Mr Barris.

I don't know if any of you... are aware of this.

But it's a federal offence to make lascivious remarks

on a television network broadcast.

The penalty...

...for this disgusting...

...un-American... behaviour

is one year in prison... or a $10,000 fine.

Or both!

Anyone making a sick, subversive remark tonight

will be arrested immediately.

I will personally escort the offender to prison

for booking under edict number 364

of the Broadcasting Act of 1963.

And it's a long drive to that prison, baby.

Just you and me.

No witnesses.

OK. Have fun, everybody. Alright.

He gave everybody jackets with their names on.

When we got number-one ratings, everybody got a gold plaque.

He was a good boss and obviously had the common touch

because he really knew what people wanted to watch.

We aired and became a big hit.

- A phenomenon, really. - Hey, baby.

- I got a story to tell you. - Asshole.

I know, I know. I got a little story for you.

I'm busy. We're in the middle of a bachelorette crisis.

Sit down, relax. Take a load off. Make yourself at home.

- The network just called. Drink? - Got any weed?

- I wish. No, no weed. - Then I'll have a drink.

Bad news?

The Tammy Grimes Show got pulled from Saturday night.

Not Tammy!

They want a primetime version of The Dating Game in its place.

That's fucking great.

But the daytime version's not hot enough. They want more excitement.

I've got 48 hours.

What have you got?

I don't have a clue. I've got nothing.

This is a big deal. This could be my big break.

I know.

- Don't blow it. - Thanks for the help.

- Let me ask you something, Chuck. - Jesus.

What the... What are you doing here?

I've been put in charge of a fairly large operation

and I could use your help.

I've got a TV show on the air. I don't need to kill people for hire.

You may not need to, but you'd like to.

- Bullshit. - Think of it as a hobby.

Something you do to relax.

You can be an assassination enthusiast. A murder bug.

I got more important things.

- I've no time to fuck around. - This is serious work, Chuck.

Serious work.

Now how about I help you with your little show

and you help me. Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.

Yeah. You're a piece of work.

I've seen this Dating Game. I have a thought.

Now you're a big TV producer?

I'm John Q Public when it comes to TV.

That should make my opinion of value to you.

Alright, let's hear it.

Alright.

What do you have? Some couple gets sent to

some second-rate shit-can restaurant, set you back 50 bucks?

Not too exciting a prize for us vicarious-living boobs in TV land.

- What's your point? - Up the stakes, Chuck.

Send them to some exotic locale in Europe.

Southeast Asia, for example.

The network won't let me send unmarried kids on vacation.

Send a chaperone.

It's...

That's not half bad.

I'm telling you. Sometimes you could be the chaperone.

Say we have a job for you in Austria.

You, successful television producer, chaperones a young couple.

While there, you take on some company business.

It's a perfect cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative at night.

I got money, Jim. I don't have to kill people for money any more.

Chuck, when I said you fit the profile,

very little of that meant you needed the money.

You liked it with Renda. I saw it in your eyes.

You liked it but you botched it.

You could be a great warrior, Chuck.

Bachelor number three.

If we were fixed up on a date, and I ignored you...

This guy's never been on a date.

Ready four? Take four.

I'm not used to being ignored. I'd give you your space.

The only date this guy has had is with his right hand.

Ready one? Take one.

Bachelor number three. What if I pick you and?

- She's going for the three! - What would you do?

Ready four? Take four.

The only way that you could be ugly is by what you say or do.

I don't know. From where I'm sitting, you're beautiful.

Bachelor number three. Can you tell me what a girl is like

who has never been on a date before and how you can tell?

Well...

I'll ask her what she likes to do.

And if she doesn't know what she likes to do,

then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.

Why don't you talk to her? You can do that.

She's real shy.

You have to tell her. That's your job.

Tell her that I think she's real pretty

and I wanna be her boyfriend.

I'm shy, too. You gotta tell her that, Chuck.

I used to skate. I told her that. She didn't even look at me.

Talk to her, Chuck. It's your job.

She picked me. She didn't pick those other guys.

You're the chaperone, Chuck.

She called me gay. I'm not gay.

You gotta tell her that. You're not doing your job very well.

I know it takes time to get to know each other

but this is ridiculous.

They thought he was...

They sort of walked a straight line. They'd talk about him.

"This guy, he can turn on you." And I never saw that side.

A lot of the crew thought he could turn on them.

Chuck?

Helsinki is wonderful this time of year.

Especially the snow.

It affords one solitude, even in a city full of people.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

By you.

Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it?

Especially the snow.

It affords one solitude, even in a city full of people.

I'm Chuck.

So I gathered.

You are?

Here you are, Chuck.

At least give me a made-up name,

something for me to cry out during those dark nights of the soul.

Cry out Olivia.

That's Twelfth Night.

Very good, Chuck.

Pleasantly surprised.

You're not like the other murderers.

You have it?

- Yeah, I have it. - You have it?

Sorry.

- We're not gonna cheat you. - Just the same.

Sorry about your teeth.

Chuck?

Chuck?

Olivia?

It's Patricia, actually.

So I spent a year in Operation Chaos, inside the anti-war movement,

nudging it towards violence to discredit it.

- That was fun. - It sounds fun.

Tell me, Patricia. Why did you come up here tonight?

I don't know.

You're kinda cute, in a homely sort of way.

It's lonely when the civilian you're fucking

calls out the name on your fake passport.

All the information I have about myself is from forged documents.

Nabokov.

Wait. I gotta go to the bathroom and take care of something.

Leave the microfilm in, baby.

Do you know when my episode's gonna air? OK.

Well, see you, Chuck. Bye.

This is Simon Oliver. Everything go OK? You don't look too good.

Mr Barris. Do not ever again jeopardise one of my missions

by having a game-show contestant becoming a witness. Understood?

Do I make myself clear?

- Fuck you. They're my contestants. - You are a bloody amateur.

- You're a faggot. - Chuck...

Tell me, Mr Barris. Are you in possession of my microfilm?

- I got it. - Let me have it.

It's up my ass. Why don't you reach up and get it?

What is this shit?

I just feel I deserve a little appreciation for my efforts, Jim.

What do you think Patricia Watson was?

Prick.

Well, if it isn't the hitman.

What?

The hitman.

- Surprise! - What's going on?

ABC's picking up The Newly-Wed Game, daytime and primetime!

My God! That's sensational!

Fantastic!

Here's our last five-point question. Where, specifically,

is the weirdest place

that you personally, girls,

have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee?

The weirdest place. Olga?

Yes, Olga?

In the ass?

No, no, no.

I'm not talking about... The weirdest location, the place.

The weirdest location? I don't know.

The weirdest location. Place. You know what I mean?

I liked Penny. I even loved her in my way.

But the idea of tying myself down for the rest of my life...

I remember my parents' marriage.

We need a new ice box.

"The Newly-Wed Game" was based on my theory

that almost any American would sell out their spouse for a washer dryer

or a lawnmower you could ride on.

Such was my respect for that most holy of unions.

- Interpet. - Inter-pret.

- Do you have an extra R? - I can't give you a letter.

I should make you forfeit a turn.

- OK. - You look cute today, Pen.

I always look cute. Don't distract me.

- What was I gonna say? - I don't know.

What were you gonna say?

I think we should get married.

Cos we've known each other forever. And we've fucked each other forever.

And you think I'm cute, you just said.

You always come to me when you're in trouble

and I'm nothing like your mother.

What does that mean? What is that?

I'm just kidding.

Don't ask me to marry you again, OK?

I couldn't breathe.

I was drowning.

And what the fuck did my mother have to do with it?

So I made a call.

Over here, Strawberry Dick.

- How do you know those things? - We even know how it tasted to her.

Really? What did she think?

That's on a need to know basis, my friend.

- What can I do for you? - I really need something, Jim.

I need something for my head.

I got something for your head.

And you're going on your date to fabulous...

West Berlin, Germany!

Name's Hans Colbert, other side of the wall.

We don't like him very much.

You'll work with a kraut named Keeler.

He's been tailing Colbert. Knows the routine.

Keeler's a drunk, so stay sober and take charge.

Done and done.

Kill for me, baby.

Sorry.

What are you writing?

Just keeping track of anything that happens in the Clara-Zetkin-Stra�e.

That's him.

Too many people.

Chuck.

- Chuck. - Alright.

- Take the camera. - Alright.

What is this?

What the?

- Take a picture. - Take a what?

Take a picture.

Take a picture. Come on.

Take a picture.

Danke sch�n.

He would disappear for a week or so at a time.

His secretary would say, "He's out of town. We don't know where."

I don't know whether it's true or not. I couldn't say.

The only reason the KGB didn't kill me was they needed me,

to trade for one of their Russian agents.

I promised myself if I got out of this, I'd live my life differently.

I'd throw myself into work.

Into life.

Penny.

I needed to see Penny again.

And tell Byrd I'm out, for good.

If I could just make it past this one last man.

This one.

The last...

I don't know what was worse.

That I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor...

or that it took seven of us to replace him.

Are you still in one piece?

- Where the fuck you been? - Nice flight?

Fuck you. Where you been? I got one contact, Jim, and it's you.

If you disappear, I got no one.

- She's good, huh? - She's very good, very good.

- That's great. - That's fine. Thank you.

- Can't I sing the whole song? - That was wonderful. Great.

That was enough. That was fine.

That was great. Thanks.

Alright. Next thing.

Christ. There has to be somebody in America with talent... Hi.

Now, I saw her in a little club. I swear you're gonna love her.

- Alright, thank you. Wonderful. - That's great! Fantastic.

Great. We'll be in touch.

Thank you. Thank you.

We're going about this all wrong. We're trying to find good acts.

We just put bad ones and kill them.

Chuck, honestly, this is torture.

We kill 'em before they're through.

As soon as it gets unbearable, we kill 'em. Dead.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy... This is so good. I love this man.

This next act answers the age-old question.

If you wear a Cellophane...

If you... OK.

If you wear... a Cellophane suit,

can people clearly see you're nuts?

I don't know. A little humour, folks.

All the way from Pacoima,

Mick... Donnelly!

I should have known there were so many Americans

just waiting for the opportunity to get on TV

and make an ass of themselves?

We'll be back with more... stuff right after this message.

You know what the sad part is?

Barris has a reputation for lowering the bar of television

and the standards and all but...

He knew what people wanted.

And he couldn't take the criticism.

Things started to evolve pretty quickly.

The show was gaining momentum.

I was becoming the one thing I didn't expect.

Famous.

Hey! You're Chuck Barris. The Gong Show.

- I love that show. - Thanks.

Hi.

- Hi. - I thought that was you.

Yeah.

It's me.

Well, I'm glad to meet you. I've seen The Gong Show.

You're the most despicable force in entertainment today.

How dare you subject the world

to your loathsome views of humanity?

I don't think it's that...

What is it, then? To mock some poor, lonely people

who are just craving a little attention? To destroy them?

They're still people.

They still deserve a little respect and compassion.

Who the hell are you? What the fuck have you done

to elevate yourself above the pathetic masses?

That's right. You created The Dating Game. Wow...

That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel.

It wouldn't surprise me to see this next act...

That means... it's Gene!

Gene... The Dancing Machine!

This represents more than the decline of quality television.

In my opinion, Chuck Barris will do more harm to our society

than people seem to realise.

Line One's for you, Chuck.

Who is it?

A guy. He says he's a friend of yours from Berlin.

Hello.

Ja. Wie geht's dir, mein Lieber?

I guess you heard about Oliver.

Someone changed sides.

What was so urgent?

I was wondering. You wanna grab a bite? I'm in town for a day.

Now, assassins don't fraternise.

If Keeler was calling me, it could mean it was my turn to get hit.

I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe.

- How's showbiz? - Well, it's hit and miss.

I got a new show called Operation Entertainment

which I believe is really gonna kill.

It's sort of a Bob Hope-visiting-the-troops thing.

Instead of Bob Hope, it's Flip Wilson.

Chuck...

Why do you do what you do?

Well, I like to think that I bring joy and laughter

to millions of people. That's very important in these difficult times.

I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be, yet.

No, no, no.

Why do we do what we do?

Hmm? Come on.

I got my feet wet in World War II.

Germany.

The pleasure of killing... was exhilarating.

Later in life, I couldn't find a place to fill that void.

To get that same rush of energy. So I started up my own business.

Gentlemen. Are you ready to order?

A green salad. No dressing.

And for you, sir?

I'll get a steak. Rare.

Thank you.

Let me read you something.

Whatsoever your hand finds to do, do it gladly,

because there is no work, love, knowledge or wisdom in the grave.

Who was that? Carlyle?

No, it's the Old Testament.

It's God.

It's amazing you should quote him.

He's my hero.

Killing my first... man...

...was like making love to my first woman.

I remember... every little detail.

The smell of his hair.

The ice on the window.

Wallpaper.

It's like entering a different time zone.

You become an outsider, isolating yourself.

You've been condemned.

Condemned?

You have become... their sadness.

And... live in a different state of mind.

Ladies and gentlemen. The host of The Gong Show.

- Chuck Barris. - It's good to see you, Sig.

Yeah. It'll be alright.

It'll be alright.

I think.

Was that right?

Yeah. It was real good.

It was real good.

So what's wrong, Chuck?

- Are you OK? - Yeah, yeah. I'm OK.

It's just a guy I know killed himself last night.

A guy I know killed himself.

Who was he?

You don't know him. He's a... stage hand.

Why did he do it?

He didn't like his work any more. Thanks.

Is being a stage hand really, really bad?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Hello?

We were supposed to meet at The Palm two hours ago.

- Fuck. I forgot. - You forgot. Really?

- Keeler's dead. - Yeah, I heard, I heard.

- What did you hear? - I heard he took himself out.

- Did Byrd tell you that? - Yeah, he said he was depressed.

- Hey! Alright! - Who is this?

I don't get stood up. Get it?

Fine. Excuse me.

So glad... Penny, Patricia. How did you find me?

Are you serious? This is what I do for a living.

- What does she mean? - You're dead, Strawberry Dick.

Strawberry Dick? What's that?

See you around. Nice to meet you, Penny. I've heard a lot about you.

Why don't you stay for a... cocktail?

- Penny? - And...

You know. Man...

I am giving you one more chance, get it?

Angel...

Thank you.

Line One for you, Chuck.

Thanks.

- Yeah? - Keeler didn't kill himself.

He was murdered. Watch your back.

You can come in now, Mr Flexner.

Chuck.

- Great to see ya. - What's up, Rod?

Well... Chuck. May I sit?

How's that redhead?

Good. You know. Keeps...

Well, Chuck. The thing is, we have to talk.

What's up, Ron?

Well, the thing is...

Some of your old shows aren't doing so well in the old ratings war.

So,, I've been put in the unfortunate position

of having to inform you that the network is cancelling these shows.

Now don't shoot me, Chuck.

I'm just the messenger.

This really is the hardest part of the job for me.

They killed my babies, Tino. Just like that.

I pushed them into the world through the birth canal of my imagination.

Lovingly. Tenderly.

Where's the humanity of these people?

- Huh? - Fuck 'em.

Fuck 'em.

They're fucking bastards anyway.

Yeah, what am I gonna do now?

Baby...

Yeah.

It's so good.

Chuck?

- Chuck? - Fuck! Fuck!

Penny. Fuck.

I came here to tell you I sold the painting.

That's great.

- What's she doing here? - She's...

This is our house.

It's one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy needs.

But... this is our house.

- It's my house, Pen. - It's our house.

I found it with you, I decorated it with you.

I spent six fucking months

waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come.

You're such an asshole.

No, I'm not saying that.

- That's not what I'm saying. - Then what are you saying, Chuck?

Do you want me around or not?

Do you even like me?

Of course I like you. Penny...

- How much? - What?

I need to know how much you like me.

I don't know what that means.

How much? How can I rate a person in that way?

You could if you felt it.

If you felt it, it would be easy. You would just...

...spread your arms

as wide as they would go and say, "This much, Penny."

Everything...

Everything's complicated, Pen.

You know, nothing's black and white like that.

Do you want me around or not?

Cos if you don't, it's OK. Just tell me.

I love you, Penny.

In my way.

Maybe not in that crazy, head-over-heels thing

but what is that anyway?

Romantic love?

Isn't that just an illusion?

You just said you loved me, right?

- Hiya, Chuck. - Jim. What do you want?

How's work? Any new gameshow ideas?

Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?

We need you to find the mole and take him out.

Yeah.

I'm done killing people. I just want to entertain people.

No.

It ain't that.

Yeah, I got an idea.

If you want him so bad, why don't you do it?

Why don't you kill the mole? You got a problem with killing, Jim?

I just don't fit the profile.

What profile? There is no fucking profile.

- OK. There's no profile. - There's no profile.

OK.

You had a twin sister, stillborn, strangled by your umbilical cord.

Your first hit.

Your mother wanted a daughter. She blamed you for her death

so until your sister Phoebe was born, she raised you as a girl.

What else?

Your father, the dentist.

Not really your father.

Your real father was a man named Edmond James Windsor.

Among other things, he was a serial killer. Your mother didn't know

when she had an affair with him in 1928.

- That's ridiculous. - Is it?

That's insane.

Windsor died in the electric chair in 1939.

I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you

but you have me at a disadvantage. I don't have your files with me.

I'm out, Jim.

I'm out.

As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man.

How do I know it's not you?

You're a fairly bright guy, Chuck.

Figure it out.

- Chuck. I... - Take it off.

Who are you? What's your name? What's your name?

That's the way it goes on... TV.

Get off the stage. Get off the stage.

Go back to Scotland.

Get yourself... a Guinness and some Lucky Charms.

Alright.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Prince of Puns, the Wizard of Whoopee!

The Unknown Comic!

Chuck-a-Daydee. Chuck-a-Daydee! I got a joke for you.

What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

- I don't know. - Here's the guy!

Get off the stage. Get off the stage.

- You're fucking crazy, man. - Get the fuck outta here.

Ladies and gentlemen, our...

Our next act...

...first came...

...to us

all the way...

Lord, I'm going crazy on coast to coast.

You like the way Mummy looks?

I bet you'd like to be a mummy some day, wouldn't you?

Come here, you.

Sorry about your teeth.

Come on. Take me away now.

Take me away.

What are you waiting for?

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

I see you.

I know who you are.

Dear Penny.

This is just a note to say that I'm sorry.

For all of it.

You were the best part of my life and I couldn't see it.

I'm not asking for another chance.

Just for your forgiveness.

Love, Chuck.

Well...

Look who comes out of hiding.

I started thinking. You're the only woman in the world

who really knows me. I know I screwed you over in the past.

I'm sorry.

I just want you to know that...

...I hate myself.

Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish.

Nietzsche says, "Whoever despises oneself

still respects oneself as one who despises."

Shit, I never thought of that.

I can't even despise myself with any insight.

Insane asylums are full of people who think they're Jesus or Satan.

Very few have delusions of being a guy down the block,

who works for an insurance company.

Coffee.

Look at this.

I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write something

that someday some lesser person would quote but I never did.

I'm the lesser person.

If I say anything meaningful, it was said by someone else first.

I am disposable.

I disposed of people and I'm disposable.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Chuck.

Yeah?

- I've missed you. - You could have fooled me.

Well, I've mellowed.

Look, Boston is a beautiful city.

We could start over here,

a normal life together.

Sell insurance.

Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds right.

Look at that.

I could learn to love that skyline.

Did you see I got your picture framed?

Yeah? Where?

Hot dog.

To life.

To life.

You devil. Isn't that sweet?

What about splitting our time in New York?

Fuck. I just bit...

It's just a...

Too quick. You're supposed to get to the bathroom and throw up first.

God, you should have seen Oliver's face.

It was just... Well...

If I do say so myself. I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.

Keeler was easy. He travelled halfway round the world for a night with me.

OK.

Let's see.

Chuck, you've put on weight.

Come on.

Nearly blew it with Byrd. Never farm out a job you should do yourself.

Do you want a laugh? He thought you were the mole.

He was going to kill you.

What an idiot.

"I'm not at all the person you and I took me for."

Hmm. Sounds like an epitaph.

Your handwriting, too.

You see, Chuck, I save everything.

All your lovely notes.

You know what?

I like Carlyle best, too. I really do. Yeah.

Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.

To life.

My name is Charles Hersch Barris.

I have written pop songs.

I have been a television producer.

I am responsible for polluting the air waves with...

mind-numbing puerile entertainment.

In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings.

We have come here today to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris

in holy matrimony. You all know Chuck Barris.

Creator of The Dating Game,

"The Newly-Wed Game", "The Family Game",

"The Game Game", "Dream Girl Of 1968",

"Operation Entertainment", "How's Your Mother-In-Law?",

and many others.

Chuck Barris, who, most recently,

brought us such hits as The Rah-Rah Show,

The $ 1.98 Beauty Show, The Gong Show.

Chuck Barris, who I'm sure will be back soon

with even more shows that will stimulate and educate

and keep us on the edge of our seats.

Hi, how are you?

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Hit it. Drive, now!

- Bye... - There's something I gotta confess.

Something I gotta tell you.

Listen. You've known me a long time.

As the host of The Dating Game,

The Gong Show, The Rah-Rah Show...

OK. Yeah, yeah. Listen.

I worked... I worked for the CIA.

You understand? And I killed people.

I killed a lot... I killed a lot of people.

You understand?

I killed a lot of people.

I came up with a new game show idea recently.

It's called "The Old Game".

You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage.

They look back at their lives, see who they were,

what they accomplished,

how close they came to realising their dreams.

The winner... is the one who doesn't blow his brains out.

He gets a refrigerator.

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