Original subtitles

.

- So I told Nikolaj, "Who cares if you're bad at skateboarding?

When you grow up, nobody thinks skateboarders are cool."

What's cool is having your own pants.

- Uh-huh. Sure. - Jake, you seem distracted.

You're agreeing with everything I say.

[gasps]

We should go on a month-long couples' vacation:

you, Amy, me, and my dad. - Yeah, yeah, fine, whatever.

- And we should get matching hats that say,

"Best Bud 1" and "Best Bud 2." And wear them all the time!

- For sure. Look, Charles, don't look behind you,

but we're being followed.

I saw this guy when we were leaving the precinct,

and he was in line at lunch, and now he's right behind us.

- Is it someone you arrested?

- I don't recognize him, but judging by the

head-to-toe denim, I say he's either not American

or deeply American.

I'm thinking Ukraine or Kentucky.

- Well, should we call it in?

- No. I've got a better idea.

[low-tempo music]

[all chattering at once]

*

- Hi there.

Who are you, and why are you following me?

- I'm not following you.

I come for Charles Boyle. - Hey, hey, hey!

Hands where we can see them. - Chill out, bro!

It's not gun. It's just--uh, it's a toy.

No shoot, pretty please.

It's gift for Nikolaj.

- Nikolaj? How do you know Charles' son?

- My name is Gintars.

From Latvia.

I am Nikolaj birth father.

- Ohh!

Nikolaj's birth father who I'd never hope to meet.

Very cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,

cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, c-c-c-c-c--

[upbeat music]

*

- Charles, are you okay? You hit your head pretty hard.

- Oh, no, I'm fine.

I don't have a concussion.

- We'll see about that.

How many musical numbers are there in the movie "Zootopia"?

- Oh, just the one. - Yeah, he's okay.

- [groans] I don't know what's going on.

How did you find me?

The orphanage isn't supposed to give out that information.

- You know Dragomir, Nikolaj brother?

He tell me all about you.

- Of course. You're Dragomir's father too.

- No, Dragomir is my brother.

Dragomir and I have same father but different mother.

Her name Anyuta.

Together we have baby. That baby's Nikolaj.

Dragomir is brother of Nikolaj.

I am brother of Dragomir. Also stepfather.

We are contemporary blended family.

Would make very good TV show.

- Honestly, that does sound very interesting and good.

- Anyways, I was too young and poor to have child,

but now I'm very successful businessman.

I have my own clothing line. Maybe you've heard of it:

The Gape.

We also have Baby Gape and the Gape Body.

- Oh, you mean The Gap? - No, no, Gape.

Like, there are two things and there's space between.

- Yeah, like, The Gap. Like, The Gap.

The company that already exists.

- I don't know what you're saying.

I never heard of it.

But is it a knock-off of Gape? Do they sell clothing?

- So what? You have money now,

and you're just gonna take Nikolaj back?

- No, no, I don't want to take boy from you.

I just want to meet him one time.

Look, I know it's lot to ask,

but, please. Nikolaj is my sex result.

- Oh, yeah? Well, I walk your sex result

to school every morning.

- No, don't use his words.

- I help your sex result with his homework.

- This is bad, even for you.

- I sing your sex result a lullaby every night.

- I wanna do something. - You will never meet my son.

- Oh, yeah? Well, then I don't leave America until

I meet the boy. And I come from white country.

I have very long visa.

Very long.

- So I'm positive the murder happened inside this apartment,

but CSI could find no traces of blood.

I'd like to ask the FBI to bring in a team of lab techs.

- This would require Commissioner Kelly signing off.

Before I make that ask, is there anything else we can do?

- Um, I'm pretty sure there is.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- I am now.

both: We need Yee!

- Who?

- Isn't it that guy that led that seminar where you guys

turned Boyle into a mummy,

and then you pushed him down the stairs?

- Whoa! - Whoa! Rosa.

Easy. No one pushed Boyle down the stairs.

- Right. We may have plastered his eyes shut

and left him to wander around blindly,

but he fell down on his own.

It was a classic accident. - Exactly.

Anyway, Dr. Yee is a genius

in the field of forensic entomology.

They call him "Father Fly."

How cool is that? - 0%.

How are insects gonna help us?

There weren't any in or around the boy.

- Oh, my God.

You still think forensic entomology is all blow flies

and screw worms, don't you? - [laughs]

- [laughing]

[both laughing]

[sighing]

- That's a good one, Santiago.

You should take the Lieutenant's exam.

- Hey. - Dr. Yee has recently

bred a species of fly

that has increased sensitivities to certain

human proteins.

- They can detect trace amounts of blood,

even if it's been cleaned with bleach.

- Or masked with animal urine.

- Oh, I was building to that.

Thanks for stealing my thunder. - This is nasty.

Terry hates bugs. Too many eyes and legs.

- Would you still hate bugs if I told you that

there were thousands of tiny mites that live

in your eyebrows and keep them from being weighed down

by oils? - Yes!

- Look, I really think we should go

with the feds on this.

- No, we're bringing in Yee. I'll make the call right now.

- Oh, can I listen on speaker? - Mm.

- Oh, my God.

It's gonna be a long couple of days.

- You're telling me. I got bugs in my brows, Rosa.

- Hey.

So what's your plan with Gintars?

He's kind of taking over the whole waiting area.

- No, don't worry about me.

I'm watching "Mad About You" on Latvian Hulu.

It's very funny show.

Very many episodes.

I could sit here all day.

- I don't know what to do.

He's never gonna leave.

But I'm scared for Nikolaj to get to know him.

- Okay, how about this?

Gintars just wants to see him, right?

We can maybe have them meet

without telling Nikolaj that Gintars is his birth father.

Just say he's an old friend of ours.

- Jake, you're completely forgetting about

the olfactory bond.

Nikolaj will immediately recognize his father's scent.

- Well, you got to do something,

and I don't think you're gonna wait this guy out.

- [laughing]

Paul and Jamie are locked in the bathroom.

But Jamie has a turkey in the oven.

This is a very good setup.

- And they pay it off. - It's so good.

- Okay, Jake,

let's give your plan a shot.

- Okay, Gintars, remember the deal is,

you cannot tell Nikolaj you're his father.

- Who Gintars?

I'm Billy Hanukkah.

I'm from the Bronx, Manhattan.

I eat pizza at Famous Ray's.

- Okay, well, no need to get too specific

or offer up any backstory.

Hey, guys. I'm just coming from work

with my friend Billy Hanukkah.

- Hanukkah. - It's fine.

Kids don't know which names are weird.

- Nikolaj, say hi to Jake and this stranger.

- Hi, Jake. I love you. Nice to meet you, Mr. Hanukkah.

I love you too.

- Man, he really is a Boyle, isn't he?

- Hello, my little friend.

Did you have good day at school?

- We had computer class today. - I am your real father!

My name is Gintars.

You are my son. - What?

- Well.

That backfired real quick.

.

- Daddy, why is the man saying he's my father?

- Mr. Hanukkah's crazy. He has no children of his own,

and it's driven him mad.

I'm your father, Nikolaj.

- It's pronounced Nikolaj. - Nikolaj.

- Nikolaj. - Nikolaj.

- Nikolaj. - Nikolaj.

- Nikolaj. - Nikolaj.

- Nikolaj. - Nikolaj.

- It's okay. You say it wrong. - [groans]

- Okay, well, that was fun.

Hey, why don't you go play over there, buddy?

You can take this drug store receipt.

It's very long and filled with coupons.

You can fly it around like a kite.

- Whee!

- Wow, kids are really basic. Is being a dad super easy?

- What the hell was that?

You promised you wouldn't tell him.

- So sorry. I smelled my boy. I don't know what came over me.

Please. I'm in town for 10 more days.

Let Nikolaj know I exist. Let me spend time with him.

I could take him to Russian bathhouse.

Has he been? - No!

I'm not some weirdo that takes my eight-year-old

to the Russian bath!

We take our baths at home together as a family

like normal people!

- Not sure you have the upper hand on that storm-off, Boyle.

- He's here! Dr. Yee's on his way up.

How's my breath? [exhales]

- Perfect. Yee's gonna love it.

- This is not a good color on you guys.

Speaking of bad looks,

Sarge, what is going on with your eyebrows, man?

- I shaved them off.

'Cause of the bugs.

Sharon said you couldn't notice.

- Sharon lied, Terry. You look like a straight-up fool.

- Damn, Rosa.

- No, Diaz is right.

Your face is horrifying.

You should leave before-- Hello, Dr. Yee!

Out back now.

- Captain Holt,

nice to see you again.

- Please, call me Raymond.

Unless that feels weird. You don't have to.

I'll answer to anything.

- Raymond works.

So I understand you have a potential crime scene,

and you'd like to find some blood.

Well, I've brought along several hundred

of my best detectives to help out.

- Oh, my God. I'm starstruck.

- We all are.

So what you made you think of using drosophila

as a method of searching for blood traces?

- Have you ever read Sung Ts'u's textbook

"The Washing Away of Wrongs" from 1235?

- Nope. - Yes.

- Which edition?

- It tells the story of the first known use

of forensic entomology.

A farmer was slashed to death.

A local judge asked everyone in the town

to lay down their sickles.

And though they all appeared clean,

one attracted a horde of flies.

The insects could sense the blood,

even though it was invisible to the human eye.

- Wow, what an arresting story.

- Yes, they did arrest him.

[laughter]

- We made a joke together.

[laughter]

- Okay, Dr. Yee, how effective is your box of bugs?

- Oh, well, in a lab,

they've detected blood even

when it's been cleaned with bleach.

both: Or covered with animal urine!

- You two really know your stuff.

[laughter]

- [groaning]

- I know that sound.

That's the moaning of a man who left his lunch on the bus.

- I didn't lose my lunch, you idiot.

I lost my son!

- Okay, Scully, I got this.

Hey there, bud.

I got you your favorite tea:

duck broth. - Thanks.

You know me so well.

But I'm too sad to drink duck broth.

- Wow, I never thought I'd hear you or anyone say that.

- Nikolaj is asking if Gintars is really his dad.

I worked so hard to have him think of me as his father.

And now it's all ruined.

He'll probably go back to calling me what he did

when I first adopted him: Mr. America.

- I know you're upset, but that is a dope nickname.

- I'm not Mr. America.

I'm Daddy. - Of course you are.

- [sighs] I just don't want Nikolaj to see him again.

I don't want him turning into a Gintars.

- You have nothing to worry about.

Nikolaj is already a mini Charles.

He's an eight-year-old boy whose favorite movie

is "Bullets Over Broadway."

- So what are you saying? I should let him spend time

with Gintars?

- I just worry that if you prevent him

from knowing his birth father,

that he'll build up some fantasy of him

and then blame you for keeping them apart.

- That's crazy.

- The way that King Trident kept Ariel

from exploring the surface.

- Oh, my God, you're right.

I'm driving Nikolaj into the arms of a sea witch.

- Watching him work is amazing.

- Mm-hmm.

- I have to get a video. - Santiago, please.

Hold the phone horizontal

to get more flies in frame.

- All right, guys, this fanboy stuff is a little much.

- The only thing that's a little much over here

are your scrawled-on eyebrows.

Yeesh. - Seriously?

I thought they worked. - They do...

if you wanna look like a mean drag queen.

- I knew I should have done a flatter arch.

This is a nighttime look.

- Well, the flies are not reacting.

I can keep going, but I'll tell you now,

it's very unlikely there are any traces of blood in here.

- Well, according to my timeline,

this is the only place the murder could have happened.

- Sorry, Rosa, looks like your timeline's wrong.

Because the flies don't lie.

You can use that if you want.

- He's not gonna use a cheeky slogan.

He's a man of science.

- I like it.

The flies don't lie.

- Okay, Dr. Yee, exactly how accurate is this technology?

- Diaz, how dare you question the man.

Dr. Yee has spent millions of dollars developing

and researching these flies.

- It's fine. Would you all like to see what happens

when they actually sense blood?

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

- Will you hold this, Ally?

[flies buzzing]

- Wow. - I'm sorry, Detective Diaz,

I know it's upsetting when a hunch doesn't pan out.

- Well, it's over. The flies have it.

Keep your eyes on the flies.

Flies don't lie.

Now, that's a good one.

Oh, no, it's Santiago's. Damn it.

- Wow, this was a bad idea.

- Relax. He gets one afternoon with Nikolaj,

and he chooses basketball?

Does Nikolaj even like basketball?

- He loves the "Get Your Head In The Game" number

from "High School Musical."

- I haven't seen it, but I know that's not the same.

Look at them. Does it seem like he's actually enjoying this?

- Porzingas!

- Charles, can I tell you a story?

- Always. - All right.

When I was 10,

my dad started dating this woman, Leeza.

My mom hated her.

But my dad wanted us to bond,

so one day he took me and Leeza to the mall and dropped us off.

She proceeds to steal a ton of blouses from Ann Taylor

and then immediately makes me go back in

and exchange them for store credit.

Then to celebrate,

I get to pull Leeza's Cinnabon apart

because her nails are too long and curly to do it herself.

- Ugh. - Point being,

nothing has ever made me love my own mother

more than the time I spent with Leeza.

Gintars is Leeza.

You are my mom.

- I can't believe I get to be Karen.

What an honor!

- Daddy, Daddy. - Yes, sweetie?

- Can we leave? - Oh, no, so soon?

But I understand. We can go home right now.

- No, not home. Daddy Gintars wants to buy me a jean jacket

just like his.

- Daddy Gintars.

- Daddy Gintars.

- Oh, no.

I am Leeza.

Wait. No. That's not right.

.

- [moaning]

- Hey, bud.

Everything going okay in here?

I know you're going through something,

but people are starting to complain about the moaning.

- Ugh. I would give anything to have Gintars gone

and out of Nikolaj's life.

But it's not gonna happen.

- Okay, well, I'm just gonna close the door, then.

And you can feel free to moan as much as you need.

- [moaning]

- [sighs] This is bad.

- I know. He's been like that all day.

- No, I was talking about your eyebrows.

Whatever's going on up there is real, real bad.

- Well, it's better than having two bug hotels above your eyes.

- But wouldn't they also be in your goatee?

- Don't do this to me, Jake.

- Wait a minute.

I may have just thought of a way to get rid of Gintars.

Do you still have that friend

who works on the Counterfeiting Taskforce?

- Yeah, why?

- Gintars has this terrible knock-off clothing brand

called The Gape.

If I can get him to admit on tape that he's selling

counterfeit goods, they would terminate his visa

and deport him. - Deport him?

Doesn't that seem a little extreme?

- Yeah, definitely, but Charles just said

he'd give anything for Gintars to be gone.

- [moaning] - He's not doing great, Terry.

- Okay.

But how are you gonna get Gintars on tape?

- Good question, Sergeant Crazy Brows.

Gintars is always talking about the Russian baths.

I'll see if he'll meet me there

and then ask him to cut me in on his business.

Meanwhile, I'll have a mic hidden underneath my towel.

It's foolproof.

- Before we do deal,

we take off towel.

It's full naked.

- Ha.

- What are you waiting for?

I want to see where your hair starts and stops.

- [laughs] Gintars.

[both chuckle] - Take it off now.

- Heh.

- Hey, Sarge.

Holy crap. What the hell is that?

- That is a bug-free zone is what it is.

I bleached it.

I'm smarter than they are, Rosa.

- Uh-huh. What about your nose hair?

- Oh, man. Terry forgot about his nose.

- Hey, why is Yee still here?

- Holt wants him to hand in his case report in person.

I think he's trying to trick him

into going to lunch with him.

- Wait. It's noon?

If I didn't know better, I'd say that was lunchtime.

- I hope they take that container of bugs with them

when they go. - Wait. The container's here?

I have an idea.

All I need is some blood.

- This is fresh.

- Oh. Terrible, yet perfect.

[rock music]

*

Stupid bugs didn't do anything.

He lied to us, Sarge.,

[nose hair clipper whirs]

- Huh?

- Why's your towel still on?

This is business conversation.

You cannot trust a man who cannot show you his full self.

- Well, not in America.

Here we have business meetings fully clothed.

Sometimes even in a suit and tie.

Have you ever seen the show "Shark Tank"?

- Latvian "Shark Tank" is all nude.

- That sounds weirdly sexy.

- No, not at all.

There's no female sharks,

so it's just four Mr. Wonderfuls naked

on a big leather couch.

- Huh. Not what I imagined.

[clears throat] Hey, listen.

I would love to buy some of that knock-off denim.

- Okay, first of all, it's not knock-off.

Okay, Gape is true, authentic brand.

The real thief is Gap.

- Are they? - What makes more sense?

That they take Gape and remove letter?

Or that I take Gap and add pricey E?

- I don't care if it's fake,

I just wanna buy some.

- It's not fake; you are still wearing a towel;

and this deal: over.

- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Do you wanna know why I won't take off my towel?

It's because I'm embarrassed...

about what's underneath.

- Mutilated penis?

- Ye...p.

That is it. You guessed it on the first try.

That's what's under there. The old--the old...

mute peen.

- I am so sorry about your penis.

- It's a bummer.

- But we all have things that bring us shame.

Remember when I told you before

that Gape was original, authentic brand?

- I do. It was just now.

- Yeah, well...

I stole the whole thing from Gap.

- [scoffs] And here I was completely believing you

when you told me you didn't.

Wow.

Well, thank you for sharing that with me.

- You are freak.

But I support you. Come.

- Oh, no, it's a naked hug.

Ha ha. Ah.

- Hey, what's up?

You guys having a little coffee? That's cool.

Yee's a fraud. - What?

- Excuse me?

- Those nasty-ass bugs don't smell blood.

And they must not smell bullcrap, either,

'cause he's spewing it everywhere.

- What are you saying out of your weird face?

- We put the flies near fresh blood,

and nothing happened. They didn't react at all.

- Do you know how stupid these accusations sound?

Diaz, you're fired. - What?

- Dr. Yee is one of the most respected forensic experts

in the country.

- For you two-- let's not mince words--

common fools to suggest that you found the flaw

in this brilliant man's-- - They're right.

- What? - Huh?

- The flies don't sense blood.

They're just regular flies.

- But, Dr. Yee, you can't be a fraud.

You gave a TED Talk.

- I spent $6 million in federal grant money on this experiment

and I've gotten nowhere.

The closest I ever came was when they all landed

on a popsicle once.

- But in the apartment we saw them react to a cotton swab

dipped in blood. - It was melted popsicle.

- [gasps]

- Jam works, too, but it's more expensive.

- So, Sir, you were saying something about us being

common fools?

- So who looks stupid now?

- Uh, Terry, your left eyebrow is missing.

- Oh, I must have rubbed it off.

There it is.

Who looks stupid now?

- Jake, hey, I got it, man.

Nice jeans, and the good thing is

look--both legs, same length.

- Thank you very much.

And I see it's 100% denim-ish.

"Caution: Do not wear near women who are pregnant

or breast-feeding." - This is true.

The nipple may fall off.

- Hey, guys. Gintars said to meet him here.

I didn't realize you were coming.

- My man, I'ma wrestle you. Come here.

- Charles, what are you doing here?

Why is Nikolaj here?

- Oh, he's been so happy since he met Gintars.

I've been focusing on myself

and not really thinking about Nikolaj.

- Mm-hmm. - I didn't realize how much

it meant to him to know he hadn't been abandoned.

I'm okay with them having a relationship.

- Wow, that is so great of you, Charles,

but I really wish you'd included me in

your decision-making process.

- Why? - No reason.

I just maybe went in a different,

less-mature direction.

[sirens wailing]

Hey, maybe we should leave this area, like, right now.

- Cop car. How's it going?

Hey, man.

- Gintars Irbe, you're under arrest

for selling counterfeit goods.

- Jake! You set me up.

Do you even have mutilated penis?

- [sighs]

No.

It's perfect.

.

- Okay.

So they're taking Gintars to the airport

and they're not hurting him...

any more than they did when he was resisting arrest.

[taser zapping] - [yells]

- Now they won't let him go just because I asked them to

even though they arrested him just because I asked them to.

It's a crazy system. I don't understand it.

But here's what I'm thinking:

I call the State Department-- - You've done enough, Jake.

- That's nice of you to say, but--

- My tone wasn't nice. - But your tone is always nice

with me.

Wait a minute. Are you mad?

- Yes, because you butted into a situation

you shouldn't have.

You need to keep your butt in your pants.

- My butt was only out because you said

you wanted Gintars gone.

- Well, thanks to your butt,

Nikolaj feels like he's been abandoned

all over again.

- Okay, but my butt was the one that got them together

in the first place.

I don't feel like my butt is getting credit for that.

- Well, that's because your butt

was inappropriate then too.

Your butt should have never been a part of this.

So now I gotta go clean up the big nasty mess

that your butt made.

- But my butt no but--

My butt no but!

- Diaz, Jeffords,

Santiago would like to apologize to you

for her behavior.

- I thought we were both apologizing.

- No, I misunderstood.

What would I be apologizing for?

- The same thing as me?

- Really?

- You guys maybe want to have this conversation on your own?

- Yes.

Okay, we have come to a decision

that we would both like to apologize.

We should have trusted your instincts over Dr. Yee

and his flies.

- And?

- And we shouldn't have been so insulting.

- And?

- I'm not gonna apologize for your face.

That mess is clearly on you.

- Fair enough. - I'll ask Commissioner Kelly

to approve your initial request for an FBI lab team.

- That won't be necessary. I solved the case.

And the flies actually came in handy.

These have been genetically engineered

to detect blood, and there's a whole swarm of them

at your apartment right now with Dr. Ronald Yee.

The flies don't lie.

He confessed immediately. - How about that.

Dr. Yee and his flies saved the day after all.

- No, I did.

- Should we call Yee and tell him the good news?

- [sighs] It would probably make him feel so much better.

- What is going on? - He did seem so sad.

- So sad. - He should be sad.

He's a fraud.

- Shh. It's ringing.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Did you make it to the airport in time to see Gintars?

- Yes, but TSA wouldn't let him stay in the country.

At least Nikolaj got to spend a few hours

with his birth father at a Chili's Too.

- Chili's As Well.

[chuckles]

Listen, I feel bad, and I wanted to do something

but I know you didn't want my help,

so long story short,

I made us these hats.

- I obviously love them.

They don't change how I'm feeling.

- Okay.

Well, I'm sorry that I messed things up.

But I was just trying to be a good friend.

- I know, but that doesn't always mean fixing my life.

You shouldn't have done anything without asking me.

Sometimes I just want you to listen.

- Right.

I hear that.

- It's just... adoption is complicated.

No matter how much I want to be,

I'm not Nikolaj's real father.

- Come on, Charles. Of course you are.

- Well, that'll be up to him.

And he may even change his mind about it throughout his life.

I mean, all I can do is make him feel safe

and give him as much love as I can.

- Well, I think Nikolaj is very lucky to have you.

- Nikolaj. - [laughs]

- Okay. Let's take these hats out for a spin.

I've waited long enough.

Here you go. Best Bud 1.

- You'd rather be Best Bud 2?

- I just want you to listen a little more.

I don't wanna change our whole dynamic.

- Okay, good, 'cause I really wanted to be Best Bud 1.

- I know you did. both: Clink!

- Oh, they're way too small. - Ooh, they're tight.

- They're way too small. - Hurt.

- They don't fit. - Not a doctor. Shh.

- Fremulon.

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