Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:10,951
[GUITAR MUSIC]
2
00:00:12,111 --> 00:00:14,819
Boy, have I had trouble
sleeping lately.
3
00:00:14,958 --> 00:00:17,519
My sober mind, it just races through
4
00:00:17,556 --> 00:00:20,484
all the clarity and the silence.
5
00:00:22,852 --> 00:00:24,680
[GROANS] Brockmire,
6
00:00:24,716 --> 00:00:26,665
really finding his rhythm now.
7
00:00:26,701 --> 00:00:29,025
Masturbation, my best defense
8
00:00:29,061 --> 00:00:31,305
against the seemingly endless nights.
9
00:00:31,341 --> 00:00:33,041
Bye, bye, birdie.
10
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:35,133
Carnal knowledge.
11
00:00:36,397 --> 00:00:39,111
Oh, "Newsies"!
12
00:00:39,413 --> 00:00:40,628
When that wore off,
13
00:00:40,664 --> 00:00:43,314
I tried to exhaust myself with hobbies.
14
00:00:43,350 --> 00:00:45,050
[EGG TIMER DINGS]
15
00:00:49,147 --> 00:00:50,565
Ah, yeah.
16
00:00:51,873 --> 00:00:54,327
And you can be right next to Howard.
17
00:00:54,412 --> 00:00:55,701
But that turned tedious,
18
00:00:55,737 --> 00:00:57,636
so I went back to masturbation.
19
00:00:57,672 --> 00:00:59,372
[EGG TIMER DINGS]
20
00:00:59,657 --> 00:01:00,957
[LIGHT MUSIC]
21
00:01:03,452 --> 00:01:05,750
Oh, Christmas is coming!
22
00:01:05,849 --> 00:01:07,587
[LAUGHS]
23
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:10,954
Hoo, Merry Christmas, everybody.
24
00:01:11,077 --> 00:01:13,065
Merry Christmas.
25
00:01:15,514 --> 00:01:17,514
distant voice: Help.
26
00:01:17,632 --> 00:01:20,379
And that's when I started
hearing the voice.
27
00:01:20,462 --> 00:01:21,976
Help.
28
00:01:25,275 --> 00:01:26,619
- Help.
- It was monotone,
29
00:01:26,655 --> 00:01:28,812
but, God, it was unrelenting.
30
00:01:28,848 --> 00:01:30,542
- Help.
- And then it happened again
31
00:01:30,578 --> 00:01:32,563
- the next night.
- Help.
32
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,868
- And the night after that.
- Help.
33
00:01:37,012 --> 00:01:40,320
- Help. Help.
- And the night after that.
34
00:01:40,584 --> 00:01:41,952
No matter where I looked,
35
00:01:41,989 --> 00:01:44,432
I just... I couldn't find the source.
36
00:01:44,494 --> 00:01:46,075
Help.
37
00:01:46,998 --> 00:01:48,649
Help.
38
00:01:49,198 --> 00:01:50,498
[EERIE MUSIC]
39
00:01:51,693 --> 00:01:53,048
Help.
40
00:01:53,368 --> 00:01:55,684
Help. Help.
41
00:01:56,048 --> 00:01:58,497
- Help.
- There was only one explanation.
42
00:01:58,534 --> 00:02:02,474
I was chasing a voice inside
my own head.
43
00:02:02,837 --> 00:02:05,558
But what the hell was I
trying to tell myself?
44
00:02:05,724 --> 00:02:07,272
I mean, I didn't know whether
I was supposed to
45
00:02:07,308 --> 00:02:10,200
help the world or my friends or myself.
46
00:02:10,384 --> 00:02:12,185
So I just got down on my knees
47
00:02:12,221 --> 00:02:15,417
and I said a prayer to all three.
48
00:02:16,482 --> 00:02:22,016
And I just sank into serenity
like a warm bath.
49
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,351
[SIGHS] Quick footnote to that story,
50
00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:27,550
turns out I wasn't the voice at all.
51
00:02:27,586 --> 00:02:30,599
That was the voice of my
86-year-old neighbor, Eunice.
52
00:02:30,694 --> 00:02:32,678
See, my super explained to me
that Eunice
53
00:02:32,733 --> 00:02:36,793
has 24-hour in-home care,
except for a 5-minute gap
54
00:02:36,830 --> 00:02:39,212
due to the bus schedules
of both of her nurses.
55
00:02:39,389 --> 00:02:41,464
And she just screams her head off
56
00:02:41,501 --> 00:02:44,175
throughout that entire
five minutes. Ha.
57
00:02:44,211 --> 00:02:46,811
Yeah, then my super
offered me some Oxy.
58
00:02:46,847 --> 00:02:48,554
[CHUCKLING] Even for Florida,
59
00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:50,556
the whole thing was extremely Florida.
60
00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:52,743
- [LAUGHTER]
- Any hoodles, that's my share,
61
00:02:52,807 --> 00:02:55,180
so don't forget to tip
that donation box, people.
62
00:02:55,239 --> 00:02:56,629
- God bless, you.
- [APPLAUSE]
63
00:02:56,737 --> 00:02:58,053
So long.
64
00:02:58,156 --> 00:02:59,788
[DISTANT APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
65
00:02:59,871 --> 00:03:01,929
You're supposed to listen
to the other people speak.
66
00:03:02,275 --> 00:03:04,487
I know. I'm running out
to a work thing.
67
00:03:04,621 --> 00:03:05,955
Maybe.
68
00:03:06,210 --> 00:03:08,198
That's not why you're leaving.
69
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:10,623
How you doing there?
70
00:03:10,697 --> 00:03:12,762
- My name's Jim Brockmire.
- I know who you are.
71
00:03:12,798 --> 00:03:14,347
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
72
00:03:14,383 --> 00:03:17,831
Is that a positive or a
negative for me in this moment?
73
00:03:18,468 --> 00:03:19,957
It's a lot of both.
74
00:03:19,994 --> 00:03:22,054
Well, that seems to be
the general consensus.
75
00:03:22,091 --> 00:03:23,853
Look, despite what you might think,
76
00:03:23,890 --> 00:03:25,917
I take my sobriety very seriously.
77
00:03:26,051 --> 00:03:29,620
I'm looking for a sponsor while
I'm here for spring training.
78
00:03:29,713 --> 00:03:31,148
So...
79
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:34,070
[SIGHS] Are you interested or what?
80
00:03:34,110 --> 00:03:35,438
I'll be your sponsor,
81
00:03:35,475 --> 00:03:38,771
if you tell the truth about
the end of your share.
82
00:03:38,911 --> 00:03:40,944
I did tell you the truth
about the end of my share.
83
00:03:40,981 --> 00:03:45,145
There was a woman crying out
for help, scared and alone.
84
00:03:45,367 --> 00:03:47,464
What did you do about it?
85
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,456
I soundproofed the townhouse.
86
00:03:49,516 --> 00:03:51,134
Now I'll be your sponsor.
87
00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:53,163
How'd you know that was true?
88
00:03:53,337 --> 00:03:56,471
Truth always sounds awful
when you hear it out loud.
89
00:03:56,530 --> 00:03:57,806
Ah.
90
00:03:57,993 --> 00:03:59,911
Ain't that the truth?
91
00:04:01,105 --> 00:04:03,480
Jesus, this Florida humidity.
92
00:04:03,516 --> 00:04:05,904
Gene Kelly is swinging an umbrella
93
00:04:05,941 --> 00:04:08,166
all up in my swamp ass.
94
00:04:08,288 --> 00:04:09,688
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
95
00:04:11,278 --> 00:04:13,623
96
00:04:20,098 --> 00:04:21,442
Okay.
97
00:04:22,132 --> 00:04:24,211
As some of you may have already heard,
98
00:04:24,354 --> 00:04:26,750
I'm about to head on to
the DL for a little while.
99
00:04:26,787 --> 00:04:28,687
- Kick cancer's ass, Bat!
- Yeah!
100
00:04:28,723 --> 00:04:30,990
Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma
doesn't know what it's in for!
101
00:04:31,026 --> 00:04:34,418
Thanks, fellas.
The, uh, outpouring of support
102
00:04:34,455 --> 00:04:37,549
from everybody, especially the fans,
103
00:04:37,692 --> 00:04:40,316
has been truly special.
So while I'm laid up,
104
00:04:40,371 --> 00:04:42,366
holding things down on the radio side
105
00:04:42,403 --> 00:04:44,100
will be these two superstars.
106
00:04:44,178 --> 00:04:46,478
First up, two-time NCAA
107
00:04:46,515 --> 00:04:49,149
champion softball legend, Gabby Taylor.
108
00:04:49,186 --> 00:04:51,462
Thank you.
It is an honor and a privilege
109
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,298
to be sharing the stage
with you today, Bat.
110
00:04:53,411 --> 00:04:56,644
And joining Gabby in the
booth will be Jim Brockmire.
111
00:04:56,681 --> 00:04:59,944
Jim, you wanna have your public
meltdown now or later?
112
00:04:59,980 --> 00:05:01,520
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, well.
113
00:05:01,556 --> 00:05:04,044
Yeah, my... at this point
in my last press conference,
114
00:05:04,081 --> 00:05:06,195
I'd been tazed and stripped down naked,
115
00:05:06,232 --> 00:05:09,039
so this is already
a tremendous win for me.
116
00:05:09,231 --> 00:05:10,947
[SILENCE]
117
00:05:13,572 --> 00:05:15,429
But in all seriousness,
118
00:05:15,466 --> 00:05:19,048
I'm so grateful to be back
around the game I love so much.
119
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:20,897
It's been a very long road back.
120
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:24,718
I have been truly humbled both
personally and professionally. and,
121
00:05:24,970 --> 00:05:27,841
well, I'm here to tell you
that I arrived here
122
00:05:27,878 --> 00:05:29,214
a very different man.
123
00:05:29,251 --> 00:05:32,477
What kind of a joyless golem
serves soup in a green room?
124
00:05:32,643 --> 00:05:35,340
Are they requesting that we
eat it out of a cup,
125
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:38,010
out of some kind of failed
attempt at shabby chic?
126
00:05:38,092 --> 00:05:40,857
Nope, helter-skelter,
forgot the bowls. Hey!
127
00:05:40,894 --> 00:05:42,270
Just don't eat the soup.
128
00:05:42,350 --> 00:05:44,050
[TOILET FLUSHING]
129
00:05:45,688 --> 00:05:48,029
Jesus. Look at this shit.
130
00:05:48,066 --> 00:05:50,580
It's like a goddamn
public school cafeteria.
131
00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:52,596
- Right?
- Hey, Bat, if you're hungry,
132
00:05:52,633 --> 00:05:53,855
I'd love to take you out to lunch,
133
00:05:53,892 --> 00:05:56,326
maybe pick your broadcasting brain?
134
00:05:57,085 --> 00:05:58,664
Yeah, I'm gonna pass on lunch.
135
00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:01,400
No problem, yeah, you could
probably use the downtime.
136
00:06:01,634 --> 00:06:05,188
Actually, my aunt recently
battled breast cancer.
137
00:06:05,745 --> 00:06:08,170
I look like I have breasts?
138
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:09,840
No. [LAUGHS]
139
00:06:09,877 --> 00:06:11,843
No, you look like you're
entirely made out of muscle,
140
00:06:11,879 --> 00:06:14,736
just like a human tendon, you know?
141
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,612
Uh, don't let the cancer fool you.
142
00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:22,779
He's an asshole.
143
00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:25,191
Has to make everybody
around him feel small.
144
00:06:25,228 --> 00:06:27,443
It's part of his whole
Matt the Bat shenanigans.
145
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:28,601
His nickname?
146
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:29,878
He got that from being a good hitter.
147
00:06:29,914 --> 00:06:32,204
Oh, no, he was
a "Punch and Judy" infielder
148
00:06:32,241 --> 00:06:33,614
whose glove kept him in the game.
149
00:06:33,651 --> 00:06:37,283
No, the derivation of
Matt the Bat comes from, uh...
150
00:06:37,422 --> 00:06:39,922
his locker room presence.
151
00:06:40,974 --> 00:06:42,974
He's got the biggest dick
in baseball history.
152
00:06:43,010 --> 00:06:44,752
- Whoa, seriously?
- Oh, yeah.
153
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:47,272
Matt loves all
that alpha male bullshit.
154
00:06:47,309 --> 00:06:49,716
He likes bump into you
accidentally on purpose
155
00:06:49,753 --> 00:06:50,906
to make an impression.
156
00:06:50,943 --> 00:06:53,226
Literally. Left a dent.
157
00:06:53,588 --> 00:06:55,387
There's a density to it, Gabby.
158
00:06:55,424 --> 00:06:59,225
It's like a wind sock that's
been packed with wet sand.
159
00:06:59,677 --> 00:07:02,319
Any hoodles, that's where the
name Matt the Bat comes from.
160
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:05,377
Also, he's the worst.
I mean, the worst,
161
00:07:05,414 --> 00:07:07,533
and despite what you might have
heard about me...
162
00:07:07,580 --> 00:07:09,241
- [SCOFFS]
- I-I. No, I'm not.
163
00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:11,472
I wanna assure you,
sobriety has changed me.
164
00:07:11,509 --> 00:07:15,357
Okay, really. I am no longer
that reckless say-anything Jim.
165
00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:16,792
You just spent the last two minutes
166
00:07:16,828 --> 00:07:20,245
going into aggressive detail
about our coworker's dick.
167
00:07:20,486 --> 00:07:22,036
Oh, shit, I did do that, didn't I?
168
00:07:22,073 --> 00:07:23,274
God damn it, I am just...
169
00:07:23,311 --> 00:07:26,676
I am not built for
the 21st century workplace.
170
00:07:26,782 --> 00:07:29,449
Are we still on for lunch, because...
171
00:07:33,972 --> 00:07:35,268
Can we just talk about
172
00:07:35,305 --> 00:07:36,633
the dick thing again for one moment?
173
00:07:36,670 --> 00:07:38,724
- Oh, my God. Why?
- Well, I want to apologize.
174
00:07:38,796 --> 00:07:41,802
I wanna assure you I am no
Louie C.K. or Charlie Rose.
175
00:07:41,839 --> 00:07:45,103
Although, I did once role play
as John Lasseter
176
00:07:45,139 --> 00:07:47,103
at a Pixar-themed orgy one time
177
00:07:47,140 --> 00:07:48,501
but, you know, I've always practiced...
178
00:07:48,537 --> 00:07:50,752
- Hello!
- Oh, hey, friend.
179
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:53,466
Here you go. This thing's
getting mighty stinky.
180
00:07:53,529 --> 00:07:54,839
Oh, no, no, no. [LAUGHS]
181
00:07:54,895 --> 00:07:57,604
I'm your producer, Gus Barton.
How are you?
182
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,441
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
183
00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:01,278
- Gus Barton.
- Hi.
184
00:08:01,795 --> 00:08:04,714
Do you mind if I ask you
your qualifications, sir?
185
00:08:04,773 --> 00:08:06,239
I don't mind at all.
186
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,040
Worked for the Montreal Expos.
187
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,758
The Expos left in 2004.
188
00:08:09,795 --> 00:08:10,845
Yup.
189
00:08:10,882 --> 00:08:13,408
So I spent the last 15 years
living in Montreal
190
00:08:13,445 --> 00:08:16,852
raising three kids while
my wife taught at McGill.
191
00:08:17,106 --> 00:08:19,344
The soup foretold all of this.
192
00:08:19,439 --> 00:08:22,395
So my wife jokes
that I'd be the perfect guy
193
00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:25,011
to produce a career killer
like Jim Brockmire,
194
00:08:25,074 --> 00:08:27,553
because my career is already dead.
195
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,456
- Mmm.
- She's got a very dark
196
00:08:29,493 --> 00:08:30,553
sense of humor.
197
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:32,751
I think that's what
cost her her tenure.
198
00:08:32,882 --> 00:08:34,997
2014 was a tough year.
199
00:08:35,034 --> 00:08:37,618
Nobody thinks that I'm a career killer.
200
00:08:37,655 --> 00:08:38,895
That's the first thing my agent said
201
00:08:38,931 --> 00:08:41,140
when he called to tell me
we were paired together.
202
00:08:41,914 --> 00:08:45,530
One, two, three, four,
203
00:08:45,808 --> 00:08:49,184
five, six, count me,
that's seven, eight.
204
00:08:49,449 --> 00:08:50,920
Yeah, no,
that's a lot of careers. Okay.
205
00:08:50,956 --> 00:08:52,521
- [GROANS] Ohh...
- No, no, no, no,
206
00:08:52,704 --> 00:08:55,587
this is when I do
a daily moral inventory.
207
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:58,276
All right, note to self.
208
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:04,606
"Stop killing people's careers."
209
00:09:05,201 --> 00:09:06,703
Boom. Problem solved.
210
00:09:06,767 --> 00:09:09,183
Thank you for inviting me
to the broadcaster's dinner.
211
00:09:09,220 --> 00:09:11,278
- Sure.
- I drove past it twice.
212
00:09:11,314 --> 00:09:12,680
I didn't think a nice
restaurant would be
213
00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:14,614
in such a run-down strip mall.
214
00:09:14,650 --> 00:09:17,102
All of Central Florida's
a run-down strip mall.
215
00:09:17,189 --> 00:09:19,652
This complex alone
is a Pentecostal church,
216
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,879
a gun shop, and a Jersey Mike's.
217
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:23,428
Here they are.
218
00:09:23,929 --> 00:09:25,398
Hey, boys.
219
00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,636
Ah, hmm, looks like we're gonna need
220
00:09:27,673 --> 00:09:29,465
one more chair here, my friend.
221
00:09:29,531 --> 00:09:30,880
No, no, no, don't bother with that.
222
00:09:30,917 --> 00:09:32,209
We don't have room.
223
00:09:33,516 --> 00:09:35,705
Right, well, message received.
224
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,674
Oh, no, no, no, this is some
225
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,633
industrial-grade bullshit right here.
226
00:09:39,670 --> 00:09:41,932
Look, I sympathize with you, I do.
227
00:09:42,043 --> 00:09:44,633
All the things you consider
to be good, clean fun
228
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,522
are now considered to be
mean and sexist,
229
00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:48,655
but, you know, that's just
'cause they are.
230
00:09:48,692 --> 00:09:50,676
The chair is for Gabby.
231
00:09:50,713 --> 00:09:53,348
- Oh.
- She's a ball player.
232
00:09:53,846 --> 00:09:55,582
Well, I don't understand.
233
00:09:55,691 --> 00:09:58,344
Well, we don't like you, Brockmire.
234
00:09:58,838 --> 00:10:00,740
- Oh.
- At your very best,
235
00:10:00,777 --> 00:10:02,973
you are like a circus bear
236
00:10:03,010 --> 00:10:05,518
who would stumble around
for the crowd to laugh at.
237
00:10:05,554 --> 00:10:08,354
- Ho ho hoo.
- Now, when they trot you out,
238
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:10,695
it is just sad.
239
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:13,034
Somebody should have
taken you behind the tent
240
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:14,757
and shot you years ago.
241
00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:16,491
Well, well, well...
242
00:10:16,591 --> 00:10:19,308
[LIGHT LAUGH, VOICE HITCHES]
243
00:10:19,501 --> 00:10:21,292
- Jim, are you okay?
- No, please, I'm fine.
244
00:10:21,328 --> 00:10:23,386
Just... I'm a little more
emotional these days
245
00:10:23,422 --> 00:10:26,056
than I used to be. You stay. [SNIFFLES]
246
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:28,058
I'll grab a bite at the Jersey Mike's.
247
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:29,993
Maybe swing by the Pentecostal church,
248
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:32,970
watch a little snake handling
to go along with my
249
00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,955
aggressively oily sammie.
250
00:10:37,528 --> 00:10:40,048
[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING]
251
00:10:47,737 --> 00:10:50,271
[SCREAMS] What the shit!
252
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,979
Well, don't just let it
hang out in my house.
253
00:10:53,016 --> 00:10:54,314
Kill it. Shoot it.
254
00:10:54,453 --> 00:10:56,135
I don't carry a gun.
255
00:10:56,214 --> 00:10:58,129
Isn't that the whole point of Florida?
256
00:10:58,198 --> 00:11:00,496
Hey, I didn't get into this job
257
00:11:00,533 --> 00:11:02,408
to kill defenseless animals, all right?
258
00:11:02,794 --> 00:11:04,077
I did it to kill gators.
259
00:11:04,114 --> 00:11:07,430
But I'm not harming that poor,
defenseless tortoise.
260
00:11:07,557 --> 00:11:09,502
That big guy hibernates in the winter.
261
00:11:09,539 --> 00:11:11,539
Now, I'm guessing they turned
the heat on a few days early...
262
00:11:11,575 --> 00:11:12,984
I'm sure his life
has all the complexity
263
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,437
of a Russian novel, all right?
264
00:11:14,473 --> 00:11:16,272
Can you please just get it
the hell out of here?
265
00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:18,016
Look, it's coming at us.
266
00:11:18,132 --> 00:11:20,516
It's an elderly animal.
No one's gonna adopt it.
267
00:11:20,587 --> 00:11:21,945
Betty White is an elderly animal.
268
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:26,127
That is a boring monster
who smells like dead, wet dog.
269
00:11:26,244 --> 00:11:28,405
If I take him, it's a death sentence.
270
00:11:28,607 --> 00:11:29,994
Okay.
271
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:32,372
I'm good with that.
272
00:11:34,730 --> 00:11:37,119
It's probably for the best.
273
00:11:38,152 --> 00:11:39,726
Darwin.
274
00:11:39,924 --> 00:11:41,324
[MELLOW MUSIC]
275
00:11:42,214 --> 00:11:43,763
There you go.
276
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:46,804
[GROANS] Ugh!
277
00:11:48,123 --> 00:11:49,173
[SIGHS]
278
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,408
- What's in the folder?
- Research.
279
00:11:59,444 --> 00:12:01,366
Fun facts for the big broadcast.
280
00:12:01,403 --> 00:12:03,208
God, I love the public library.
281
00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:05,010
It's America's greatest institution.
282
00:12:05,098 --> 00:12:06,918
Yeah, the last time I was
in a public library
283
00:12:06,955 --> 00:12:09,142
I saw three different homeless
people masturbating.
284
00:12:09,178 --> 00:12:11,477
Yeah, not a great time
for American institutions.
285
00:12:11,557 --> 00:12:13,766
- No. I got you something.
- Oh.
286
00:12:13,803 --> 00:12:16,065
In softball, the entire team
always wears something
287
00:12:16,101 --> 00:12:18,238
on opening day as a sign of unity.
288
00:12:18,327 --> 00:12:20,598
The best team I was ever on
did this tour through China
289
00:12:20,635 --> 00:12:22,505
where I got these pins.
290
00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:23,957
I thought we could wear them.
291
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,250
Oh, that's so sweet and thoughtful.
292
00:12:26,286 --> 00:12:27,336
Thank you.
293
00:12:27,373 --> 00:12:29,116
So what, you wear one, I wear one,
294
00:12:29,153 --> 00:12:30,726
and then we put one on the desk to like
295
00:12:30,838 --> 00:12:32,015
represent the audience?
296
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:33,592
No, the third pin is for Gus.
297
00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:35,518
Oh, gross. No. Come on. No.
298
00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:37,353
He's not part of the team.
We're the talent.
299
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:39,355
You don't give Gus a gift
for the same reason
300
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:41,045
you don't feed a dog from the table.
301
00:12:41,082 --> 00:12:42,839
Very important that he always
knows his place.
302
00:12:42,876 --> 00:12:44,542
- What an asshole.
- Oh, man,
303
00:12:44,579 --> 00:12:45,823
he's just the worst, isn't he?
304
00:12:45,860 --> 00:12:47,697
- Not him. You.
- Right.
305
00:12:47,733 --> 00:12:50,700
My philosophy about broadcasting is
306
00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:52,368
you don't sweat the small stuff.
307
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:54,103
- And you know what?
- Ooh, don't say it.
308
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,155
It's all small stuff.
309
00:12:56,251 --> 00:12:58,708
And you wanted to give him a pin.
310
00:12:58,816 --> 00:13:01,619
You see, we are
the part-time radio crew
311
00:13:01,927 --> 00:13:04,280
of the cheapest organization
in baseball.
312
00:13:04,515 --> 00:13:08,272
So enjoy the view from the
bottom of the broadcast barrel.
313
00:13:08,351 --> 00:13:11,313
- Relax, put on your headphones...
- Don't do headphones.
314
00:13:11,349 --> 00:13:13,030
Can't stand the sound of my own voice.
315
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:14,491
Really? Now, see,
316
00:13:14,528 --> 00:13:16,270
I assumed you
masturbated to your own voice.
317
00:13:16,307 --> 00:13:18,471
My real voice, sure, but no headphone
318
00:13:18,508 --> 00:13:20,812
can capture the complex bourbon
and butter flavor
319
00:13:20,849 --> 00:13:22,055
of my actual timbre.
320
00:13:22,092 --> 00:13:24,484
Jim, I get the impression
321
00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:27,220
that you don't respect me
as a producer.
322
00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:28,999
Well, Gus, I'm so sorry.
323
00:13:29,036 --> 00:13:30,729
I did not mean to give you
that impression.
324
00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:32,546
I should have been more clear.
325
00:13:32,616 --> 00:13:36,602
I 100% don't respect you
as a producer or as a man.
326
00:13:36,646 --> 00:13:39,855
Gus, I guess I don't respect
you in totality.
327
00:13:40,022 --> 00:13:42,062
Fine, one man's opinion.
328
00:13:42,099 --> 00:13:43,699
How about you, Gabby, huh?
329
00:13:43,871 --> 00:13:45,671
What do you think?
330
00:13:46,411 --> 00:13:48,954
Really? How come?
331
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,375
Well, it starts with the overalls
332
00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:52,196
and then it just kind of
branches out from there.
333
00:13:52,233 --> 00:13:57,479
Overalls allow me to fully
experience the freedom of life
334
00:13:57,562 --> 00:13:59,435
without undergarments.
335
00:13:59,471 --> 00:14:00,725
- Ohh...
- And you guys,
336
00:14:00,762 --> 00:14:05,523
y-you voluntarily wear
the 100% cotton chastity belts,
337
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:07,427
and I'm the weirdo, huh?
338
00:14:07,626 --> 00:14:11,931
All right, Jim, you don't wear
headphones, fine.
339
00:14:12,296 --> 00:14:14,045
I'll just poke you with a big stick
340
00:14:14,082 --> 00:14:15,734
whenever I need to tell you something.
341
00:14:15,887 --> 00:14:18,453
Okay, headphones. Let's see.
342
00:14:18,549 --> 00:14:20,028
Testing, one, two. Testing.
343
00:14:20,065 --> 00:14:24,032
Folks. Folks, that ball is
Maria-Conchita-a-gone-zo.
344
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:25,400
Well, these thing's are broken
345
00:14:25,437 --> 00:14:27,836
because my voice sounds
ridiculous through them.
346
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,913
All right, we're on
in three, two, one...
347
00:14:36,144 --> 00:14:38,225
Welcome, everybody,
to the inaugural season
348
00:14:38,262 --> 00:14:40,571
at Oaklands's brand-new
spring training facility
349
00:14:40,608 --> 00:14:42,248
here in Seascape, Florida.
350
00:14:42,285 --> 00:14:43,555
I am Jim Brockmire.
351
00:14:43,595 --> 00:14:45,273
I'm joined by my partner, Gabby Taylor.
352
00:14:45,309 --> 00:14:47,556
Very excited to be joining
you in the booth today, Jim,
353
00:14:47,593 --> 00:14:49,150
in this lovely new stadium.
354
00:14:49,187 --> 00:14:51,623
It is a beautiful spring
afternoon for baseball here
355
00:14:51,660 --> 00:14:53,899
at King Venom Vape Cartridge Stadium.
356
00:14:54,041 --> 00:14:56,142
Few fun facts
about the city of Seascape,
357
00:14:56,178 --> 00:14:58,000
our home for the next six weeks...
358
00:14:58,037 --> 00:15:01,238
two years ago, its mostly
elderly and retired citizens
359
00:15:01,274 --> 00:15:02,772
were duped. They were tricked
360
00:15:02,809 --> 00:15:05,320
into paying for this stadium
by voting yes
361
00:15:05,357 --> 00:15:08,851
on the misleadingly named
Make Grandchildren Visit Act.
362
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:12,145
So a $200-million-stadium was built
363
00:15:12,216 --> 00:15:14,700
that nobody wanted and had
no team to occupy it.
364
00:15:14,737 --> 00:15:16,236
In order to lure Oakland
365
00:15:16,273 --> 00:15:18,355
to come all the way across the country,
366
00:15:18,392 --> 00:15:20,942
the city of Seascape had to
promise them free rent,
367
00:15:20,978 --> 00:15:24,929
so we are party here today
to a civic boondoggle
368
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:26,369
of just epic proportions.
369
00:15:26,406 --> 00:15:28,191
I mean, swimming pools drained,
370
00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:30,118
children's educations thwarted,
371
00:15:30,154 --> 00:15:31,861
shut-in's meals undelivered...
372
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:35,790
all in the name of King Venom
Vape Cartridge Stadium.
373
00:15:36,074 --> 00:15:37,920
"King Venom Vape Cartridges,
374
00:15:37,957 --> 00:15:40,256
"the best in the biz.
And we're not blowing smoke.
375
00:15:40,388 --> 00:15:44,546
We're blowing flavor infused
vapor, ash-holezzz."
376
00:15:44,593 --> 00:15:46,692
Boy, that seemed needlessly aggressive.
377
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:48,110
That's enough, Jim.
378
00:15:48,553 --> 00:15:50,997
Are you kidding, sir?
We are on the air here.
379
00:15:51,081 --> 00:15:52,475
No, we're not.
380
00:15:52,512 --> 00:15:54,762
I knew you were gonna pull this
shit during the first game,
381
00:15:54,799 --> 00:15:57,436
so I lied to you about
starting the broadcast.
382
00:15:57,626 --> 00:15:59,372
We're actually on the air now.
383
00:15:59,408 --> 00:16:01,976
Oh, no, 20 seconds ago.
384
00:16:02,077 --> 00:16:03,426
20 seconds ago?
385
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:04,894
What the fuck was that?
386
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,331
Everything I said was public record.
387
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:07,880
It was all in the newspaper.
388
00:16:07,916 --> 00:16:09,163
What is the big deal?
389
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,412
You make a big show
about how different you are,
390
00:16:11,449 --> 00:16:13,310
but going from drunk asshole
to sober asshole
391
00:16:13,346 --> 00:16:15,163
isn't the dramatic makeover
you think it is.
392
00:16:15,199 --> 00:16:16,917
It's not like I dragged you into it.
393
00:16:16,954 --> 00:16:18,753
Yes, you did. We are partners.
394
00:16:18,790 --> 00:16:20,651
My future is handcuffed to yours,
395
00:16:20,687 --> 00:16:22,378
and as a black woman in the same game
396
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:23,758
that protected Art Newlie,
397
00:16:23,795 --> 00:16:25,996
I'm not gonna get
chance after chance like you.
398
00:16:26,033 --> 00:16:27,952
This is it. I get the one.
399
00:16:28,015 --> 00:16:30,086
If that mic had been live,
you could have ended my career.
400
00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:31,611
Well, no, no, I could not have,
401
00:16:31,668 --> 00:16:33,188
'cause remember I wrote that
down in the book?
402
00:16:33,224 --> 00:16:34,500
- [SCOFFS]
- No, 'member?
403
00:16:34,537 --> 00:16:35,668
I did write it.
404
00:16:35,705 --> 00:16:36,954
In, in, in...
405
00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:38,725
- Oh, boy.
- Hey.
406
00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:41,348
Heard you had dead air
on your first broadcast.
407
00:16:41,387 --> 00:16:42,666
Wow!
408
00:16:42,951 --> 00:16:44,683
Seriously, if you want to go
back behind the tent,
409
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:45,860
I'll make it quick.
410
00:16:45,896 --> 00:16:48,268
No, stay away from me
with the penis bullshit!
411
00:16:48,331 --> 00:16:49,772
Too fast for you!
412
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:52,507
Two legs are always quicker than three.
413
00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:55,317
[LOW ENERGY MUSIC]
414
00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:56,772
[DOOR CLOSES]
415
00:16:57,918 --> 00:16:59,591
Oh, shit!
416
00:16:59,628 --> 00:17:01,146
Ow.
417
00:17:02,234 --> 00:17:03,729
Oh, gross!
418
00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:05,225
God damn it.
419
00:17:06,433 --> 00:17:07,657
Come here.
420
00:17:10,856 --> 00:17:12,320
There you go.
421
00:17:12,752 --> 00:17:14,452
Have a nice life.
422
00:17:20,515 --> 00:17:23,639
Jim, you wanna have your
public meltdown now or later?
423
00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:25,539
Going from drunk asshole
to sober asshole...
424
00:17:25,576 --> 00:17:27,376
There was a woman crying out for help,
425
00:17:27,434 --> 00:17:30,174
scared and alone.
What did you do about it?
426
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:31,782
You can't change.
427
00:17:31,872 --> 00:17:33,632
You were born broken and made worse.
428
00:17:33,668 --> 00:17:34,702
Little piece of shit.
429
00:17:34,739 --> 00:17:38,114
You are just a miserable piece of shit!
430
00:17:38,242 --> 00:17:39,804
What's going on?
431
00:17:39,865 --> 00:17:42,111
What's going on is
I haven't slept in a week.
432
00:17:42,568 --> 00:17:43,975
Almost got fired my first day,
433
00:17:44,012 --> 00:17:45,736
everybody at work hates my guts.
434
00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:49,629
I mean, as insane as this might
sound to say out loud,
435
00:17:49,732 --> 00:17:52,288
it's like nobody
even cares that I am sober.
436
00:17:52,407 --> 00:17:54,820
They don't. Jesus. What do you expect?
437
00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:56,245
A parade?
438
00:17:56,787 --> 00:17:58,454
Para... A party, maybe.
439
00:17:58,621 --> 00:18:00,884
You know, lots of soda,
and people hugging me,
440
00:18:00,921 --> 00:18:02,644
telling me how proud they are of me.
441
00:18:03,068 --> 00:18:05,005
- Maybe Joe Buck'd give a speech.
- [SCOFFS]
442
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,500
Everybody chips in and buys me a star.
443
00:18:07,536 --> 00:18:10,336
You know, like a constellation.
I'm just spitballing.
444
00:18:10,396 --> 00:18:11,881
[LAUGHING]
445
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,813
God, Earl's gonna love that one.
446
00:18:15,168 --> 00:18:17,193
I thought this was
supposed to be anonymous.
447
00:18:17,275 --> 00:18:18,846
Oh, yeah, no, no, it is.
448
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:21,004
Don't worry, I never mention
you by name.
449
00:18:21,041 --> 00:18:23,673
I just told him you were
a famous sportscaster
450
00:18:23,710 --> 00:18:25,826
known for a string of public meltdowns.
451
00:18:25,863 --> 00:18:28,081
Well, that narrows it down
to me and Marv Albert,
452
00:18:28,132 --> 00:18:29,821
and Marv ain't in Seascape, Shirley.
453
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:32,447
Look, people are just gonna doubt you
454
00:18:32,510 --> 00:18:35,211
till you can prove you're
making different choices.
455
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,134
But I am making different choices.
456
00:18:37,171 --> 00:18:39,549
In the old days, I would have
ripped Matt and new one.
457
00:18:39,774 --> 00:18:41,737
Nobody talks to me like that
and gets a pass,
458
00:18:41,774 --> 00:18:44,270
but I held my tongue
on account of the cancer.
459
00:18:44,476 --> 00:18:48,203
You want credit for not
insulting a man with cancer?
460
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:49,729
Yeah!
461
00:18:49,950 --> 00:18:53,823
I'm gonna guess you started
drinking at, uh, 15.
462
00:18:54,030 --> 00:18:55,639
That's right. How did you know that?
463
00:18:55,774 --> 00:18:59,855
Well, an alcoholic's maturity
usually freezes in time
464
00:18:59,958 --> 00:19:02,572
right about when they first
pick up the bottle.
465
00:19:02,982 --> 00:19:04,890
Also I have a shitty, know-it-all
466
00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,525
15-year-old at home.
467
00:19:06,737 --> 00:19:08,053
Makes sense.
468
00:19:08,177 --> 00:19:09,883
I do jerk it like a 15-year-old.
469
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:13,157
He buys these Costco-sized
tubs of lotion
470
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:14,733
for his dry hands.
471
00:19:14,769 --> 00:19:16,568
I still don't know why
he needs the candles.
472
00:19:16,604 --> 00:19:17,870
Mm. You know,
473
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,562
sometimes you want to treat yourself.
474
00:19:19,655 --> 00:19:21,855
I often put on Sade...
475
00:19:22,372 --> 00:19:24,822
make a night of it. [SIGHS]
476
00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:28,083
Okay, so, look,
477
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:30,416
the key to relationships
478
00:19:30,452 --> 00:19:32,328
is to learn how to be in one
479
00:19:32,365 --> 00:19:34,348
without expecting anything in return.
480
00:19:34,724 --> 00:19:36,345
Well, how's that a relationship?
481
00:19:36,382 --> 00:19:38,051
Where's the transaction?
482
00:19:38,170 --> 00:19:40,351
Just start out with a plant.
483
00:19:40,642 --> 00:19:42,875
Or, you know, a very
low-maintenance pet
484
00:19:42,912 --> 00:19:46,464
like a lizard, or a snake,
485
00:19:46,982 --> 00:19:49,926
I don't know. You know? A frog.
486
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:56,320
I wouldn't even know
where to get one of those.
487
00:19:57,379 --> 00:19:58,883
Hey.
488
00:20:00,761 --> 00:20:02,614
You were right, okay? I'm an asshole.
489
00:20:02,650 --> 00:20:03,922
I'm a total asshole.
490
00:20:03,959 --> 00:20:06,030
I want to be a good person like you.
491
00:20:06,067 --> 00:20:07,117
I really do.
492
00:20:07,154 --> 00:20:08,970
I just have no idea how to go about it.
493
00:20:09,110 --> 00:20:11,623
I know that not littering
figures prominently.
494
00:20:11,660 --> 00:20:13,200
Beyond that, I'm just winging it.
495
00:20:13,271 --> 00:20:14,871
Please be patient with me, okay?
496
00:20:14,908 --> 00:20:16,824
I promise you I'm gonna do better.
497
00:20:17,241 --> 00:20:19,802
Hmm. I see you're wearing that pin
498
00:20:19,839 --> 00:20:22,343
in a cheap ploy to win my affection.
499
00:20:22,391 --> 00:20:23,532
Cheap?
500
00:20:23,672 --> 00:20:26,730
Paid a fortune to have these
overnighted from China.
501
00:20:26,966 --> 00:20:29,190
I gave one to Gus,
and I apologized to him.
502
00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:30,277
Hmm.
503
00:20:30,314 --> 00:20:32,446
Yeah, I thought you might be skeptical,
504
00:20:32,483 --> 00:20:33,864
so I took a picture of us
505
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:37,119
with today's paper as proof of pin.
506
00:20:37,833 --> 00:20:39,233
- Huh.
- See?
507
00:20:39,270 --> 00:20:41,010
I really want to be on
your team, Gabby.
508
00:20:41,139 --> 00:20:44,467
And even more than that,
I'd like to be your friend.
509
00:20:44,824 --> 00:20:47,049
[SIGHS] Okay, yeah, I mean,
510
00:20:47,101 --> 00:20:48,308
I don't know about friend,
511
00:20:48,345 --> 00:20:50,820
but I could use a workout partner.
512
00:20:50,857 --> 00:20:51,908
I'll take what I can get.
513
00:20:51,945 --> 00:20:54,312
Now, I've been exercising
a lot since I got sober.
514
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,667
I'm not the fastest runner
in the world,
515
00:20:56,704 --> 00:20:59,263
but are you familiar with
the story of the tortoise and...
516
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:00,672
- Shit!
- What?
517
00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:01,849
Where are you going?
518
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,600
I just threw away my one chance
519
00:21:03,636 --> 00:21:06,022
at healthy, adult relationships.
520
00:21:07,338 --> 00:21:08,744
Turtle!
521
00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:13,304
How far could you get?
522
00:21:13,635 --> 00:21:15,346
[JAZZ MUSIC]
523
00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:18,362
Help.
524
00:21:20,562 --> 00:21:21,612
Help...
525
00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:24,299
[GROANS]
526
00:21:24,732 --> 00:21:27,755
527
00:21:28,236 --> 00:21:31,870
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
528
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:36,470
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39276
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.