All language subtitles for Broad City s05e10 Broad City.eg

Shit!

Ohh!

Bitch, it's 10:04!

I overslept!
I packed my alarm!

I'll change so fast!

No bra!
Save time!

-It's 10:44.
-Okay, we got this.

I am not letting you miss
your last NYCBEC, bitch!

♪ Check, check, check,
check it ♪

♪ Check it out ♪

♪ What, what,
what's it all about ♪

♪ Work, work, work, work,
work it out ♪

I think we might get it,
dude!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

-Okay.
-Come on, sister.

Come on.
We don't got time!

♪ Nothing going on ♪

Ma'ams,
children are dying!

Ilana, cat pass!

They're starving!
They're so hungry!

You need to feed them!

From the moment they're born,
they're dying!

This isn't the end!

Get us!

-We're almost there.
-We're so close. Yes.

Get ready for the best bacon,
egg, and cheese

in New York City.

Oh -- ohh.

What?

Oh!

Oh, no!

♪ Four and three
and two and one -- one ♪

♪♪

I can't believe
that the bodega

with the best bacon, egg,
and cheese is literally gone.

Okay, it's okay.

We're gonna get one right now
and forget that ever happened

when we're taking painful

bacon, egg, and cheese shits
later, okay?

-Oh, I can't wait.
-Come on.

Man on Radio:
You're listening to Hot 97.

Ugh, the sign.Let's lay on the charm.
Here we go.

♪♪

-My goodness.
-Wow.

So much on the menu
that looks delicious.

-Yeah.
-What do we get?

I know it's "wate,"

but I really would like
some "bweakfast" food.

-Hey, hunky boy.
-[ Giggling ]

Hi. Hi.

Can we get two bacon, egg,
and cheeses?

Nope.
No eggs after 11:00.

You know what?

This is this angel's
final breakfast

in New York City.
-Yeah.

Before she goes
and rebuilds homes

for Christian
tsunami victims.

Okay,
that's not true.

And you are gonna
deny her this?

You are gonna deny her
this Make-A-Wish?

For shame.

Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

[ Door bell dings ]

♪♪

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just gonna leave some money
for you fellas.

That was
inappropriate.

[ Screams ]

[ Sighs ]
I feel better.

Let's go.

-This is gonna be delish.
-We got this.

We got this.
-Jesus Christ.

[ Crowd chattering ]

Oh, no, no.
We're not doing this.

♪♪

I can't believe
we couldn't find you

one last bacon, egg, and cheese
before you go.

I failed you.

No, you didn't, dude.

And also, maybe I, like,
can buy the ingredients.

We could FaceTime
while I make it in Boulder.

[ Sobs ]
Oh, God.

It's not the bacon, egg,
and cheese.

It's just -- oh, God!

Why the fuck would you
go to Boulder?

I mean, well, mainly for
the residency program.

Yeah, yeah, residency,

but -- but what the fuck
is the culture there?

Rocks? What could you possibly
find at Boulder?

What does Colorado have to offer
that New York City doesn't?

Well, for one,
recreational weed.

Oh.
[ Sniffs ]

Right.

Yeah, but you're gonna
come so soon.

Oh, my God!

I told you you can come
whenever you want.

No, look.
Oh.

It is.
It is!

[ Laughs ]

New York City,
you've done it again!

Abbi,
this is a Wa-Unchi toilet.

Don't you see?

We thought we were
on some classic

Abbi and Ilana New York City
journey today.

We thought it was for
the bacon, egg, and cheese.

Yeah.
When, in fact, this was our mission all along.

[ Laughs ]
-Okay. [ Laughs ]

Okay, but -- so -- so, what is
exactly the new mission now?

This toilet. We're gonna
bring it back to my house.

Are you...sure?

Abbi,
this is a Wa-Unchi.

It's an intelligent toilet with
an UV light that breaks down

the germs of fecal matter
in the bowl.

It has a heated seat and warm
water that sprays in your ass

after you take a dump
just like a bidet.

God, every time you are sprayed,
you are reborn.

Okay, Ilana,
this is someone else's.

This is gross.
Just don't touch it so much.

Abbi, this was our tiny little
mission for the day.

Come on.
It's a $10,000 toilet.

-Wow.
-I need this.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Let's -- you know what?
Let's take the toilet home!

You won't regret it,
mister!

I'll get a cab.
-Okay.

Yeah, hey, yes.

Okay. Tilt.

-I'll do this.
-Legs.

Legs.
Step.

Yeah.

You dick!

Toilet discrimination.

Okay, um...

Okay.

Whoo.

Jesus. Uber is surging
60 times the normal rate.

Okay, I'll --
I'll just call us a Lyft.

Woof,
my rating is very low.

Probably from
the pee incident.

Again,
sorry about that.

-Totally fine.
-All right.

How are we gonna get this toilet
back to Brooklyn?

[ Uplifting music plays ]

[ Laughs ]

We're gonna walk it
across the bridge?

That's right.

Kids are suckers,
man.

70 bucks
for an old skateboard?

Too easy.

I can't believe
we've never walked

across the Brooklyn Bridge
together.

Yeah, it's kind of nuts that we
managed to do it individually.

I mean,
we're almost always together.

Ilana, I'm really proud of you,
dude.

I mean, obviously,
for going back to school

to become the most badass
therapist

New York City
has ever seen,

but also for the Phone Wigs!

I mean, I really feel like
you have something there.

Like, that has legs,
you know?

We have
so many dope ideas.

We have to make sure

we keep up the brainstorming
sessions going.

It's really important.

I mean, I strongly,
strongly believe in

the joint gynecologist/
waxing/laser hair removal thing.

-Oh, yeah.
-It's like a one-stop shop.

Come on, that's genius.

I mean, I still also believe in
the Dorito dust.

I mean, I'm just eating the chip
for the dust.

Exactly.
And it's just, like, cut out the middleman

and get me a vial straight
of that dust

for spicing
or for swigging.

I just found out, dude,
that Doritos are tortilla chips.

Wild.
I mean, no one talks about that.

Whew.

Abbi,
I've been thinking a lot

about this whole
end-of-the-world thing.

If the apocalypse happens,

we're not gonna be
in the same city.

Shit.
If we're not in the same city,

how are we supposed to
find each other?

Once the electricity
goes down,

all the banks are gonna be
hacked and drained.

That's exactly
what is going to happen.Hey, look, a Wa-Unchi.

You know what?

First thing you do
when you get to Boulder,

you go to the bank.
You take out a shit ton of cash.

I'm talking half your savings,
okay?

You go back to your dorm.
You find a loose floorboard.

You pry it open,
and you stuff the cash in there.

You create a hidden nook.
Shit's gonna be nuts.

Ooh, I love hidden nooks.
I'm on it.

I read this article --
well, headline --

that said that only four days
after it all goes dark,

New Yorkers are gonna
start killing each other.

We got to get out of the cities
and have cash on hand.

Yeah.
We're also gonna need

those straws that allow you
to drink your own pee.

Ooh.
We're gonna need to get that gel

that marathoners use for,
like, energy and shit.

Oh, we're also gonna need to
get those pants

that zip and become shorts
so you have both.

You're gonna have to stock up on
your contact lenses.

But I really, really think

you should consider doing Lasik,
for real.

Good call.
Good call.

Okay, where should we plan
to meet up?

All right.
Why don't I pull up the map?

Hold on.

All right,
well, it looks like

St. Louis is
right in the middle.

I mean, we could meet right in
the middle of the arch.

This is so funny.

Colorado is where
I thought Montana was.

You're gonna be actually where
I thought Oklahoma was.

That's cool.
Mormons are dope.

Well, I think Utah is actually
the Mormon area.

Oh, right, right, right.

Momo's still dope, though.
-Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Okay, Abbi, promise me
when you get to Colorado,

you're also gonna get a bike

'cause that's why everybody's
gonna be killing each other --

for the gas.
-Right.

Bike's are the O.G. best friends
of people.

Whew, okay,
I'll get a bike.

Hey, let's stop over here
for a second.

Okay.

Should we
write something?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, should we, uh --
should we jump?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

No, seriously,
should we jump?

[ Laughs ]

We can't. We have our big
dinner date tonight.

You said the reservations were,
like, really hard to get.

-That's true.
-We got to go.

[ Sighs ]

Ilana, I'm --
I'm really scared.

I'm, like --

I'm moving
across the country

and, like,
changing my whole life?

I mean, I'm --
I'm not gonna know anybody.

I'm really scared
of the change, too,

but we're both gonna
be better for it.

You really think so?

I know it.
I know it.

You know, Ilana,
me and you --

we're still gonna be us,
no matter what.

That's never
gonna change.

Even if we're in
different cities,

that's never
gonna change.

I know.
[ Sobs ]

[ Voice breaking ]
But it is gonna change.

But this is still gonna be
the most beautiful,

deep, real,

cool and hot, meaningful,

important relationship
of my life.

[ Sobs ]

Me, too.

I've never felt so cool.

I've never felt so cool.

Really -- not -- not as cool as
when I'm with you.

Me, neither.

Abbi?
[ Sobs ]

I don't think I can go to
this dinner tonight.

I just -- I can't say goodbye
again, you know?

This is --
This is too perfect.

Wait, Ilana, no.

We were gonna splurge and get,
like, the whole bottle of wine.

I know, but --

I can't do it.
I'm really sorry.

You know what?
You take the Wa-Unchi.

You'll be the envy
of your whole dorm.

It's not a dorm.

Goodbye.

Wait.

[ Sobs ]

Meet you in St. Louis!

What the fuck?

Hey, Bevers!

I got us food!

[ Music playing ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cellphone ringing ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

Hey!

Bevers:
Abbi, thank God you picked up.

I fell asleep.

I was sunbathing nude
on the roof again.

[ Laughs ]
You -- you were?

Yeah, anyway,
the door locked behind me.

Can you come up
and bring my kimono?

I'm extremely sunburned.

Everywhere.

All right, Bevers, uh, you know,
cover yourself up.

I don't want to see
your sunburned penis.

Open your eyes.

No.

Ilana: It's kosher, dude.
Open 'em up.

All: Surprise!

What?!

Wait.
What, Ilana?

Oh, my God.

Come on. My girl got to have
a proper, royal queen send-off.

[ Laughs ]

And sorry about
the bridge before.

I was very much processing this
all at once.

But then also, I had to leave to
set this up, so --

Well, this is the cutest thing
I have ever seen,

but I have to change.

Yeah, of course.
Of course.

Guys, Abbi and I are gonna
go downstairs!

All right!

♪♪

Abbi and I are back,
you guys!

Hey!

My God.
Trey!

Batter up!
Trey!

Geez.

-Hi.
-It's so good to see you.

Yeah.
I'm really happy to see you.

Oh.

Oh,
I got you something.

They're free weights.

What?
Thank you so much.

I'll -- I'll try to
put it on my carry-on.

-Cool, yeah.
-All right.

-Ooh, you all right?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got --

Okay. I've always said, Abbi
and incremental free weights,

match made in heaven.
-Yeah.

You're really special to me,
Abbi.

You're really special to me,
too.

Well, then, I guess
it's now or never.

Abbi Gary Anna Abrams,
will you marry me?

Um...oh, Trey.

Two carats.

No.
Right?

Right, yeah, no.

Yeah, no.
[ Laughs weakly ]

-You know.
-You know what?

It was a big swing.
-No, no, no.

I just figured, this is
my last chance, you know, so --

[ Clears throat ]
It's cool.

Maria -- Cut the video, okay?
Delete it.

She said no.

Okay, well,
I should probably go

'cause you said no
to my proposal,

but promise me you'll eat
for your blood type, okay?

-Okay.
-Yeah.

Done.
Here you go.

-Thank you, all right.
-Oh, you want that?

Thank you so much.
All right, beefcake.

-Ow!
-You've had enough time

to show off your rock-hard tits
and your Adonis ass.

It's time to leave and exit,
dawg.

Okay,
I was just saying goodbye.

And I took off work
for this.

You did? That sucks.
You know what else sucks?

When your best friend
moves away,

and everybody's out for
face time for her.

Get out of here!
But maybe we'll be friends.

I don't [Clears throat]
have any left.

♪♪

-Hey!
-Ohh.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Farts ]

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too,
Linc.

How's Ilana doing?
I haven't talked to her yet.

Um, yeah.
Ilana is, uh --

[ Laughs ] Aww.

You know what?
Ilana's gonna be great.

Yeah, I'ma check it.

Okay.
All right.

See you later.
-I'll catch you.

Enough.
Get out of here.

Go, go!

Are you Abbi's friend?

Hey.

Hi.

Thank you
for inviting me.

Yeah, you're welcome.

You're Abbi's friend, too,
you know?

Yeah.

[ Sighs ]
We're no longer dating, right?

And, uh, we're gonna
keep growing

our real,
yet platonic friendship.

And that means honesty.
-Yeah.

So, um, I'm gonna be honest
with you.

You got to get
the fuck out of here.

-What?
-Yeah, it's time to go.

Yeah.
-I heard about grad school.

Jaimé told me.
I wanted to congratulate you.

Yeah, you're a good guy.
We all know it.

You're gonna be
a great thera-- Go, go!

Whoo-hoo!
Party's over, bitch.

You know, I know it's scary,
you know, moving away.

But it's good to
remind ourselves

that there's other places
besides New York City.

Beautiful places.

And New Jersey.

It's gonna be great.

-Yeah.
-'Sup?

-Okay!
-Jesus!

-Well --
-Hi.

Hi.

So, Ilana,
who are all these people?

Um, they're people
from your building.

I just needed to
fill the party out.

-Ah.
-Mm.

Can't wait for brunch
next weekend.

Jersey City
is pretty damn lit.

Mm-hmm.
Yes, it is.

Go now, though.

-What?
-Like, to --

To leave.
To exit and leave.

Good to see ya, Jersey Boy.
Love ya! I'm sorry.

♪♪

Hi, guys.
Thank you so much for coming.

You can leave.
Come on, go.

Okay.
So the exit is that way.

Get out of here!

Bye!

Yeah. Yeah.

♪ You know
I be up to no good ♪

[ Door slams ]

Okay, I'm almost here.
I'm almost here.

Now we can connect.

Right.

Well, I'm gonna stay
at my own place tonight.

Gonna give you two broads
some privacy.

And I have
a present for you.

You didn't have to
get me anything.

Oh, well, it's just --

So you can store your cheese
in here.

Everyone will know
whose cheese it is,

and they won't be able to
take it from you anymore.

Thank you, Bevers.

Oh.

[ Sobbing ]

Yeah.

I -- I love it.

It's perfect.

And we'll see each other
again.

[ Sobs ]

Yeah.

All right.

Brunch at Felix tomorrow
at 2:00.

And then a movie.
My choice.

Clear your schedule, bitch.

[ Sobs ]

♪♪

Thanks for the party.

My pleasure.

Ready?

Disney.
Go.

Euro-loving Aryan Nation
pre-teen porn.

Walt Disney was, like, um,
jizzing, basically,

for rich Euros
and feudal lords,

and Mickey Mouse was supposed to
represent a dirty little Jew.

Straight up.

He was, like, on the ship,
you know what I mean?

Like -- He was, like, a plotting
and scheming dirty little Jew,

which I love to plot and scheme,
so I'm, like, you got me, Walt.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.

Who do I want?
Who do I want?

I -- I know.

Ready?
From inside the mouth.

Ohh, the Kennedys.

Ooh, thank you.
The Kennedys.

Obviously, first of all,
sex addicts.

Second of all, they killed
Marilyn Monroe.

Wait, hold on.

I thought Marilyn Monroe died
of a drug overdose.

♪♪

The government killed her
because she knew too much.

Like,
she just knew stuff about --

Yeah, she knew about
their bodies.

She knew about
their policies.

Like,
where did you hear that?

I will double check,
but, um --

It's widely known.

-Mm.
-It's widely known.

All right.

Well, these are gonna come in
handy for when I'm lonely.

Okay, another one.

What's up?

-The post office.
-Oof.

Okay, so the way that the post
office controls women is...

[ Snoring ]

[ Snoring continues ]

Abbi?
Abbi, Abbi, are you insane?

You -- you weren't gonna
wake me up?

Are you psychotic?

You were gonna leave
without saying goodbye?

-I'm sorry, dude.
-[ Sobs ]

We said goodbye
a million times.

I-I didn't know
how to do this one.

Yeah,
but I got you something.

It's a go bag.

The apocalypse will happen,

and I will meet you
in St. Louis.

Right, okay.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you,
too, dude.

Really, you are, like --

You're the smartest person
I know.

Really.

Yeah,
are you kidding me?

I'm, like,
the only person you know.

[ Laughs ]

For real, though, Ilana.
You, like --

You're gonna kill it.
I'm so excited.

For everything for you.

You've got so much.

So much inside of you.

[ Sobs ]

You have so much to give.

So much all wrapped up.

And you're just letting it
unroll.

I mean,
I don't even feel like

I was, like, alive
before I met you.

You, like, taught me --

Taught me how to do it,
dude.

[ Sighs ]

Well, you're alive as hell now.
-[ Laughs ]

This is really brave,
and it's the right thing.

I wouldn't have been able
to do it without you.

[ Car horn honks ]

Come on,
you dumb broads!

I'm saying goodbye to my
best friend, you fucking fuck.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime,
emotional moment

with my soul sister,
you rank rat whore!

See if I tip you!

You're just so beautiful
from the inside out.

No, dude, you are, really.

Okay.
Go.

Go, go, go, go, go.
-Okay.

You got this.
You got this.

Okay.

-Okay.
-Bye.

[ Sighs ]

[ Engine starts ]

Okay.

I love you.

[ Door rattles ]

No!

Jesus, come on![ Buzzers ring ]

Fuck!

Hmm.

Wow.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God.

[ Laughs ] Yes!

Freaking jackpot.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Laughs ] Ew.

[ Music playing ]

[ Cellphone dings ]

♪♪

Ilana: [ Laughs ]

Eww, dude!

Insane.

Walking it?
Disgusting.

Well, thank you
for keeping me up to date

on all of New York's
most current events.

Yeah.
[ Laughs ]

How have you been?

Well, since last night,
I went to sleep,

and then I woke up,

and then I went to
the coffee shop.

My coffee shop.
-Cute, cute.

I also went to sleep
and woke up,

so we are
on the same schedule.

Ew, you know what happened
to me today?

I bumped into this girl,
and I was, like, "Sorry."

And she was, like,
"You're fine."

Ew.
"You're fine"?

Fuck her.
-Right?

I'm, like, I know I'm fine,
at least.

Just say, "It's okay."

I mean, that's not even
part of my vocabulary.

You have to be, like, trained
for that to be a response.

That's right. Don't tell me
my value 'cause you know what?

I'm actually foiiine.

-Oh, you foiiine, baby.
-You, too.

All right, listen.
I got to go.

Uh, I'll call you when
I leave the studio, okay?

Ooh, the studio?
Okay.

Love you, baby.
[ Blows kiss ]

All right.
Love you, too.

[ Music playing ]

♪♪

♪♪

Dude, I am so excited to fucking
deejay this bat mitzvah tonight.

Rich children, like,
legit know how to party.

But honestly, like,
what is deejaying?

I think it's just a playlist,
right?

Yeah, but, like,
with a table.

You dropped these.

Oh, my God.
Thanks.

Okay,
so who were those guys

we ended up playing pool with
on the roof last night?

I don't know. I think one of
them played for the Knicks.

[ Both conversing
in Spanish ]

[ Laughs ]

Wow. Did you just make change
with a homeless guy?

First of all,
it's a man without a home.

Mm-hmm.Second, we gonna act like
he ain't got no small bills?

[ Both laugh ]

Woman: What should we do
for dinner?

I thought that you were
gonna go to --

[ Voices overlapping ]

♪♪

♪♪

The information inside
your brain is just vast.

[ Laughs ] Vast and then also,
there's nothing.

Yeah, but good nothing.

You're, like, just smart,
you know what I mean?

-Am I, though?
-Yes, you're so smart.

-Thank you.
-I wouldn't say at, like,

you know, reading and writing,
but --

[ Both laugh ]

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