Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

All right, drink up. We do not want to be late.

Cory, don't worry. We'll make it.

Topanga, that's what you said on Sunday,

and we missed most of 60 Minutes.

Okay, it's not called "15 minutes," Topanga.

Where are Jack and Eric?

You know, we gotta get goin',

'cause the place is gonna be packed.

I bet you anything

we're waiting because of Jack and his hair.

Where are you guys going?

The Blue Room. Oh, I hate that place.

Loud music, tight clothing, wild dancing.

Yeah, why would we ever want to go there?

I'm not goin', man. It's fine!

It's not fine, it's a disaster.

You don't understand. It's just...

It's not holding, all right? It's not holding!

I like dancing.

So why don't you come with us?

Because we have other plans tonight,

or did we forget about watching the Doyle quintuplets on 20/20?

We can tape it.

Of all the nights to run out of hair gel.

No, no, no, taping it is just not the same, Topanga.

You know something, Jack?

If I were a woman, I'd think you were swell.

Really?

Okay, fine. Then we can watch it and go with them afterwards.

At 11:00 PM?

You guys go and have fun.

Okay. You wouldn't really have fun anyway.

It's not your scene.

Not our scene?

What do they mean by "not our scene"?

Those quintuplets are as cute as the Dickens.

What, they think just because we're married, we're not fun anymore?

I'll tell you who's fun, Ricky.

Who's Ricky?

Oh, he's the one that no one thought would make it.

You get 'em, Ricky!

What did you do that for?

We are boring.

According to who, Topanga, the "in" crowd at the Blue Room?

Our friends didn't even invite us to go along with them.

Topanga, who cares, all right?

Now, turn on the humidifier and come to bed. Let's go.

(HUMIDIFIER BUZZING)

We got everything we need right here, don't we?

I guess so.

Spoons!

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(SIGHS) We're in a rut.

Just because we're married doesn't mean we have to be old.

Old? Why, because we choose to stay home

and have a nice, quiet evening while the others are out gallivanting around

trolling for happiness?

We have become your parents.

Never, never mention my parents in bed.

Never!

Cory, we have to do something drastic.

Okay, okay, fine.

Where are you going? I am getting dressed,

and we are going to that blue fish room.

No, no, no. Not like this. Not because I'm forcing you to go with me.

Okay, fine. Back to bed.

Cory, I just don't want to be excluded anymore!

I want to have fun.

All right. Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am becoming a little set in my ways.

You want to show everyone we're fun?

That's all I'm saying. Okay, tomorrow night, you and your old man

are going to go to the hippest, hottest, ragingest party anyone has ever seen.

Really? Where?

Right here!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Now, let's get to sleep.

There's a 6:00 a.m. sale at the Linen Loft,

and guess who's got coupons.

(LOUD BANGING)

ERIC: Ow!

Morning, Eric.

Make it better, Jack.

All right, you know what? For the last time,

kissing the boo-boo doesn't make it go away.

You'll be fine.

You know what, Jack, I don't know.

This boo-boo feels different. It feels special.

I don't know. My nose is all tickly, and I just feel like...

(SNEEZES)

You're gonna pour milk into your cereal!

Not that I'm gonna eat it now.

Jack, this is amazing!

I sneezed, and I saw a vision of you pouring milk onto your cereal!

No, this is just more background information

for the nice people at the asylum.

You know, they were nice.

Jack, I'm telling you,

smashing my head is what gave me my special powers!

When I sneeze, I see the future!

Wait a second, I feel one coming on.

(SNEEZES) There's a fire at the Peterman warehouse!

WOMAN ON TV: This just in!

There's a fire at the Peterman warehouse.

No, no, no, this can't be happening.

Yes, Jack, we've been down this road before.

Something amazing happens to me, you try to resist,

and I pull you down anyway.

Fine. I'm gonna die either way.

All right, I believe in your stupid, little powers, Eric.

All right! See, that was painless.

Now, the first thing I believe we have to do

is determine why God gave me this power. Mmm.

I wonder why he gave it to me,

and not someone like, say, oh, I don't know, you?

(SNEEZES)

21, 46, 53!

You snotted on me.

Dude, 21, 46, 53, those are my Nana Boo Boo's measurements!

She is hot!

WOMAN ON TV: And hurry to those lotto machines, folks.

Tonight's Pennsylvania lottery is nearly $4 million.

Oh, no, no, those aren't Nana Boo Boo's measurements, those are lottery numbers!

No, the lottery's got six numbers, Jack.

You're right! That's right! Come on, sneeze me the rest!

I am not a carnival act.

All right, I am a carnival act, but my sneezing is a gift.

It's a gift that should not be abused.

Unless, of course, we can use it to get chicks.

We get those lottery numbers,

you can buy all the chicks you want, okay?

So, come on, sneeze me the rest.

(SNEEZES) The King of Norway's having a fish!

Come to our party. Come to our party.

Come to our party.

Come to our party.

Come to our party.

What party?

"Cory and Topanga's we-are-out-of-our-rut- rip-roaring-party party."

Wow.

"Cake, ice cream, games, surprises."

Look, Shawn, "surprises."

Hey, Cor, what's with the party?

What, a couple of people like us can't throw a hoedown?

Read this.

You are out of your rut.

That sounds good. Congratulations.

(CHUCKLES) All right!

I want all you kids to wear your tassels

and your leather and your get-up and such,

and I will see you all tonight!

Tonight? Yes, tonight, Saturday night.

I know I've been out of the loop for a while,

but isn't that the night y'all rabble-rouse?

Yes, it is, especially this Saturday night.

Cory, your party is the same night as Jerry Dervin's.

So?

Jerry Dervin's party is the best party of the year.

Oh, really? All right, look. No big deal.

We'll go to Cory and Topanga's party,

and then we'll go to Dervin's party and have some fun.

Excuse me?

Don't worry, Cory, we won't leave until your party's over.

What, your thing will be done by 10:00, right?

Look carefully, Shawn. What does this say?

"No parents allowed." Nice touch.

Thank you, thank you. Read on.

8:00 to question mark.

"Question mark," Shawnie. Do you know what that means?

It means that nobody knows when this party's gonna end.

Okay? Do you know? No.

Do I know? No.

It's totally impossible to predict!

Cory, don't worry. We're gonna spend plenty of time at your party.

No, it's fine. You go to Dervin's and make nice-nice with the cool kids.

But you are making a big mistake, missy,

by doubting the power of a Cory and Topanga party.

Oh, sure, we won't be in leather, but that's because I'm allergic

and Topanga is a sweater.

Cory, calm down. We're comin' to your party.

Don't do me any favors, okay?

The whole campus has these fliers, Shawnie,

so there might not even be room for you or this thing on your face.

Come on, you don't mean that.

Don't come to our party.

Don't come to our party.

Don't come to our party.

Don't come to our party.

Don't come to our party.

But we'll compare notes on Monday

about who went to the better party.

And I take notes like a secretary.

I still don't see why I have to wear this stupid thing.

Because you have a propensity for...

Head trauma.

You don't care at all about my head.

You just care about your stupid lottery numbers!

I mean, sure, the helmet looks good,

but this wasn't a gift given out of love, this was given out of greed.

You know something, Jack? You take all the fun out of sneezing.

Okay, you know what?

Sneeze, you baby!

No, come on! No more pepper! My nostrils hurt!

Sneeze! No!

Jackass! No!

Come on, man.

Look, I got 21, 46, 53, and then I got nothin'.

I got nothin' here. I need you to help me out.

All right? Come on. It's now or never. Let's go.

(SNEEZES)

Oh, my gosh.

The numbers?

No, someone's in trouble, Jack. That's what I just sneezed.

We've got to get out of here.

That's ridiculous.

Who's in trouble?

I don't know.

But I do know that he needs my help.

God gave me these powers to help people,

not to give stupid lottery numbers.

I'm people! I'm people! Help me!

(SNEEZES) He's cheating on you. (GASPS)

(SNEEZES) And he's gonna rob this place.

You know what? You're just a bad guy!

Topanga, could you come in here for a moment?

Oh, my!

Honey, don't you think this might be a little bit much?

No, I think people appreciate it when you go the extra mile.

(OVEN DINGS)

Oh, my quiches are done.

You know, I thought people might be a little tired of 20 questions,

so I got a few other games.

Oh, Cory, I think people might be tired of... Oh! Clue!

I haven't played that game in years!

Exactly.

That guy Dervin may have flash,

but we've got substance.

This party is gonna be quite satisfying. Taste this.

Mmm! Quiche-alicious!

Cory, you have to save some for our guests.

They're gonna be here in two minutes.

It's 7:58 already?

I haven't even picked the music yet!

What should we start with?

I don't know. Put on something we can dance to.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Angela, if you tell me one more time that we left Dervin's party

right as you were about to get your groove on, I'll...

You'll what? Nothing, dear.

I was getting on my groove, too, you know.

What? It would've happened eventually.

Look, it's only 10:00. We'll be back at Dervin's by 11:00.

Cory does not want us here, anyway.

That's what he said.

What he meant was, "If you don't, I'll nag you till you bleed."

(SIGHS)

Damn!

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Nobody came?

I feel so bad.

They look devastated.

You know, we should do something.

Where are you going?

Back to Dervin's party.

Cory?

Yeah, honey?

Nobody came to our party.

I know.

I almost left.

That's it. We are a boring married couple

who doesn't know how to have fun.

No, we're not a boring couple.

We're a young, vibrant, healthy, exciting couple

who've been saddled with superficial friends,

who wouldn't know a good party if it fell on their heads!

Maybe.

You know, maybe it's a good thing that no one showed up.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, those quiches weren't your best.

What?

(STAMMERING) No. Don't get me wrong. They were great.

I'm just saying, you know, you've made better.

It's a compliment, really.

Really?

Well, do you want a compliment from me?

Bite me.

Excuse me?

Well, maybe nobody came to the party to eat my quiches

because they read your great jokes on the fliers.

"Come join our party, it'll be party-rific!"

"Buckle up for the ride to funville!"

What is that?

Uh, it's called wit.

And it wasn't the jokes that kept people away...

Was it the signs on the doors?

No.

Because I guess not as many people

were "authorized for fun" as you thought.

Well, what about your dumb dance music?

I mean, that really packed 'em in!

Oh, my dumb music?

Are you sure you don't mean "dumb-tastic"?

Or "super-duper-dumb-dumb"?

You know what, Topanga?

You were the one that started this whole thing.

(MIMICKING) "I want to be hip, we're in a rut."

I was perfectly happy staying home on a Saturday night

and doing nothing.

Well, I'm not. I want to go out, Cory.

I want to have fun! I want to be wild!

Wild? Ha!

You wouldn't last 10 minutes in those nightclubs!

Cram it, old man.

That is it!

(SQUEALS)

Oh, my... (LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Topanga, you're goin' down!

You want more, Mr. Rogers?

Oh, a shot at my sweater? Very funny!

What about your wild little get-up, huh?

When's the PTA meeting?

Mr. Rogers!

Soccer mom! (SCREAMING)

Cory, this was a nice blouse!

Yeah? And now it's a ripped one!

It's off your shoulder a little bit there.

Yeah.

I could say the same thing about yours.

(BOTH PANTING)

We're in the middle of nowhere, Eric.

Something bad's gonna happen here, Jack. I feel it.

Wait a minute, something bad is happening.

You're costing me $4 million. $4 million!

Give me my numbers! Hey, hey, hey!

Obviously, Jack, you've never had superpowers, okay?

So you don't know what's goin' on.

Look, Jack, don't you get it?

There is no way that money could be nearly as satisfying

as what we were brought here to do!

Look around you, Eric! There's no one here to save!

(GRUNTS) Now gimme my numbers!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

(SNEEZES)

12! 22! 42!

(SOBBING)

What was that?

(CRYING) I said, "12, 22, 42."

The numbers! Yes, all right. Thank you, buddy.

Yeah, that's right! You know what?

You take your numbers, and you remember

as you're sitting there with your $4 million that to get it,

you had to bash your best friend's head against a dumpster.

You had a helmet on.

It was you!

What was me? What are you talking about?

It was you all along!

He's reachin' out to you, Jack.

He's tryin' to save you.

(CHUCKLES) Save me?

That's right. Save you from your greed.

My vision was about you.

He's right.

You're the one in danger.

Yeah. Yeah, Jack, I mean, look what this lottery has done to you,

and you haven't even won it yet.

(EXHALES) You're right.

You know, I let greed take me over.

(SIGHS)

I didn't care what happened to you,

what happened to our friendship.

You know, it's unbelievable,

the things that people will do for money.

Oh, well. Off to buy me a ticket.

Hey, we tried.

This party better be good, Hunter.

Dervin's party was awesome.

Shut up, Dervin.

All right, I'm gonna go over this one more time.

On the other side of this door, it's ugly.

These people are wonderful, but they're incredibly square.

And, remember, nobody gets their 20 bucks

unless they stay the full hour.

This was a really sweet thing to do, Shawn.

I just hope we're not too late.

This is the best party I've ever been to.

Topanga, I was wrong.

I love your quiche.

(LAUGHS)

I love every boring bone in your body.

Really? Let's never go anywhere again.

You think they do that every night?

Well, gosh, that's probably why they go home at 9:00.

Whoa, hey! Okay, party's over.

There's no way we're gonna save this one.

I'm goin' back to Dervin's.

You are Dervin.

I cannot believe that we felt sorry for Cory and Topanga.

I know. I mean, I feel sorry for us.

I wonder what their food bill is a month.

I don't know. You know, let's just go back to Dervin's.

Yeah.

You know what? Forget Dervin's. Let's just go to a grocery store.

Eric, quick, come out here! No!

Come on. I said I'm sorry.

You're not sorry, you're evil!

Well, just sit down and watch me get filthy rich.

They're about to announce the winning lottery numbers.

That's blood money!

I'll give you half. Oh. Turn it up.

WOMAN ON TV: And here are tonight's winning lotto numbers...

I'm gonna buy myself a new helmet.

...32, 6, 27, 18, 9, 2.

We're rich!

No, we're not.

Those aren't the numbers you gave me!

This is worthless, and you're worthless! Here!

No, Jack, no! Eat it! Eat it, you psychic snot liar!

WOMAN ON TV: So much for the New York Lottery.

Now for the $4 million Pennsylvania lottery.

Oh, my God.

The winning numbers are,

21, 46, 53, 12, 22, 42.

And in other news...

Well, that's a coincidence.

(SNEEZES)

Oh, what you're gonna do to me!

Cory, come quick!

John Stossel is doing an expose on tainted meat!

Now, I ask you, would you rather be spending the night at some glitzy club,

or learning how to spot a bad brisket?

You're right, brisket.

I mean, it's not like I don't enjoy dancing or going out and having fun.

It's just that the best time I have is when I'm here with you.

Oh, look, bad flank steak.

I love you.