Original subtitles

Finally, I'm invited to Steve and Roger's

Stews and Views Night...

Delicious stews and gut-bustin' Internet videos.

People said threatening suicide on Facebook Live

was over the line, but I made it,

and I don't care how I got here.

Whatever. The stews are a-stewin'.

Let's get the videos a-downlewdin'!

"Newscaster bloopers."

Hey, how about this one?

What really happened here at South Lanceton High School

that led to Billy Carson's death...

[Choking] The [bleep] is this?!

I'm dying in this country-ass town!

Shit flying in my mouth!

We need to get the [bleep] out of this country [bleep]

- [Laughter] - _

Dad, are you gonna move back in with Mom?

Klaus: Gadzooks! Is that Steve?

Sorry, son. No can do.

But what I can do is get an 18-inch pizza

for the price of a 12!

All right!

Is that Roger playing the same kid?

Roger: You can tell us apart. Impressive.

I love coming here every other weekend!

It's way more fun than the places I go

with Mom and Tony.

Tony?! My business partner?!

At Pizza Overlord

We've been makin' pizza for years and years Gadzooks! Were you two...

Twin child actors? Yes.

Was it not obvious from the video?

If this clown eats stews as bad as he views,

we've made a grave mistake.

Good morning, U.S.A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

And he's shinin' a salute to the American race

Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good... - Good morning, U.S.A. Aah!

Good morning, U.S.A. I never knew you guys were twin child actors.

Yes. We were.

[Sighs] Here we go.

Like all Hollywood fairy tales,

this one begins at the mall food court.

And like all meals at the mall food court,

it ends in a messy pile of shit.

Franny used to dress us as brothers,

because Twice Cream offers free ice cream to pairs of twins.

Triplets get nothing, unless one of them waits outside

while the other two go in. I saw that once.

Reported it immediately. Got a free cone.

Steve: Anyway, we were spotted by a local casting agent.

Soon, we were snagging more roles

than a poor family at a Golden Corral.

[Laughs] That's good.

It was like we were real brothers.

Getting into twin antics on set,

or as we called them, "twinanigans."

We were a dynamite tandem.

Steve could cry on cue, and I could eat on cue!

Eventually, we were approached by Hollywood agents

from the Twinseltown Talent Agency.

Yep, we were gonna be big.

As big as Matt and John Amendola,

who are not famous but just these two really cool guys

I went to high school with and I-I sort of use them

as the standard for what I hope to achieve in my life.

But then, Grammy legend Quit-sey Jones over here

- pulled the plug! - I was 5, Roger!

I had to start kindergarten!

You boned us, Steve.

We'll never know how far we could've gone!

We could've been on the cover of Double-Stuffed Magazine,

the only magazine dedicated solely to twins,

double-penetration, and Oreos!

It's important to go on walks.

So my body doesn't forget how.

I like when cars drive by too fast,

so I can grab my crotch and yell,

"Slow down, ya jagoff!

We got friggin' kids here!"

Running messes up my knee.

Walking is less stressful on my body.

Oh, my God! I'm so, so sorry!

But I'm in a terrible hurry!

Here, take my credit card.

Pay for whatever you need!

[Bones crunch]

- We should call the police. - Hang on, girlie.

We've got a blank check here... Damn it!

It's a credit card for Spencer's Gifts.

So, we can only use it at that novelty store at the mall?

"Where membership has its bene-farts"?

And it also says that memberships are non-trans-fartable.

There's actually a lot of fine print here,

and it's all pretty good fart jokes.

- Years and years - [Tape rewinds]

- [Crying] - Years and years [Sobbing]

Are you still upset about our acting career?

Our acting career. Yes.

That you ruined!

You stripped me of super-stardom!

I should be walking on the red carpet,

not sitting on the couch in this funny position!

[Sobbing]

You're never gonna let this go, are you?

What's up, playas?

Wanted to invite you to Klaus's new signature night,

Soups and Hoops.

How am I supposed to get over this, Steve?

Oh, God. Soups and Hoops?

Okay, what are the hoops? Basketball? Hula?

Well, that's the fun part. I haven't decided yet.

Roger, that was so long ago. W-What can I do?

A-A-And I'm sorry. You haven't decided yet?

Why are you even here?

I should be a has-been by now!

People should be like, "Oh, look!

It's the guy from that thing. He got fat."

It sounds so magical!

[Sobbing]

This better be some pi?ata, Steve.

Surprise! Look familiar?

Nope, never been here in my...

The booth we shot our commercial in?

My most treasured memory!

You were never gonna stop harping on this acting thing

until you got some closure.

I actually thought I'd been pretty cool about it.

So... I called Twinseltown Talent.

And they still want to represent us!

And I do have summer break coming up.

[Gasps] Steve, what are you doing?

Two tickets to L.A.

What do you say, "brother"?

Want to give our acting career the shot it never got?

Oh, my God! Yes, Steve, yes!

The Smith brothers are going to Hollywood!

We can't miss our connection to Boise!

Two layovers? How cheap are you?

We'll make it! Because the Smith brothers are going to Ho...

You brought your passport, right?

We have a stop in Vancouver.

Sweet pad. Thanks for setting it up.

We're just thrilled to have you boys at Twinseltown Talent.

Greggy and I are also twins,

so we totally get where you're coming from.

You guys... are twins?

Yep, except I snaked most of my bro's nutrients in the womb.

Gimme those nutrients! [Growls playfully]

Open up that skull and gimme those nutrients!

[Laughs] I'm just kiddin'.

I love this guy.

[Hoarsely] Okay, boys, let's get you some...

[Gasps]

Is he...

[Gasps] Head shots!

Okay, Steve, come try this on.

You know which one of us is Steve,

but can you tell... after this?

- I'm Steve. - No, I'm Steve!

- No, you're Steve! - No, you're Steve!

Ugh, do you have to do this after every outfit change?

[Both laugh]

- Twin it to win it! - Twin it to win it!

Good news, boys.

We just got you your first Hollywood commercial!

- Yeah! - Yay!

But where's Greggy?

If I know my Greggy... [Chuckles]

he's either getting trim,

looking for trim,

or having experimental surgery

to stabilize his central nervous system.

I can't believe we get to spend that fool's money,

but it has to be at this dump.

This place is for losers.

Hey, guys! You shop here, too?

Ugh. Look at all this junk.

What are you talking about?

Who... can take some pasta

Shape it like a dick?

Make a fake poo that is perfect for a trick?

Spencer's Gifts, Spencer's Gifts can - Who can make a fart sound - [Whoopie cushion farts]

When no one needs to fart?

Marijuana clothing, this is where you need to start At?

Sp-Spencer's Gifts?

Spencer's Gifts can 'cause they stock their gags

With love

And the lube

Tastes goo-o-o-o-d Ha-cha!

Cedar plank salmon again?

Bo-ring!

I want something more [Distorted] extreme!

Like what?

Mascot: Like Slammin' Canned Salmon, ya kooky broad!

Choose from three radical mouth feels...

solid, liquid,

and b-b-boney as hell!

- Director: Cut! - [Bell rings]

Beautiful, Steve.

But you've worked your max hours.

Let's sub in the twin!

- Twin it to win it! - Twin it to win it!

Okay, last shot. All you have to do

is take a bite and say,

"This salmon is slammin'!"

You got it, dude.

And...

action!

[Muffled] Dis sammon mis smamon!

Cut!

You need to actually swallow the salmon.

Right, right. Cool note.

[Sighs] And...

action!

This... salmon...

is... slammin'.

Cut! You keep standing up during your lines.

Did I... No. Really?

- [Beep] - This... salmon...

is...

[Beep]

Nobody wants to marry a poor farmer's daughter.

Honk, honk. [Laughs]

[Beep]

This salmon is...

- slambin'? - Cut!

Close enough!

Great job, guys.

You crushed it.

Hollywood's buzzin', and guess what?

They're remaking "The Parent Trap,"

and I got you an audition.

They're calling it... "Boy Bait."

- "Boy Bait"! "Boy Bait"! - "Boy Bait"! "Boy Bait"!

I think the salmon mascot is Tilda Swinton.

Do you think she could carve out a little time to give me...

a chance to give her some acting pointers?

"Hey, I know! Let's switch places!

"I'll go to Beverly Hills and live with your mom.

"And you go to Detroit to help my dad trap pigeons

"and struggle with his PTSD!

"It's the perfect swap.

Whaddya say?"

[Strained grunting]

"That slammin' is salmon!"

Well, I think we just found our Shawn and D'Shawn McIntyre!

Yay! You will not regret this.

Now, just a little scheduling thing...

Next Wednesday, I'm going to Australia for two months.

Oh, sorry, you misunderstood.

We only want to cast Steve.

But... the roles are for two boys.

Yeah, we'll just do special effects,

use Steve for both parts.

That's an amazing opportunity, but...

But I know I speak for both of us when I say

Steve is nothing without me. Half a man.

- Roger, I-I was turning... - He's pimply,

he lies about actually liking lasagna, and his voice is all,

[High-pitched] "Hey, can I have the key to your restroom?"

What the hell, Roger?

You guilt trip me for years about ruining your career,

and when I get my chance, you flip out and bash me?

- Yeah? - Sir, I'll take the parts!

If you do this, Steve,

then know the Smith brothers are over!

Big deal! You're a terrible actor!

The only thing they ever use you for is the eating!

How dare you!

Excuse me, sir, will there be any eating in this film?

- No. - Screw you, Steve!

I'm a superstar!

In fact, this town ain't big enough for the both of us!

This town is huge.

I don't recognize anything.

Where the hell am I?

[Car horn honks]

Honey, I'm home!

Tonight, we'll be having an edible-underwear summer salad,

paired with dick-shaped pasta al dente.

Today, I put another great bumper sticker on my car...

"My other ride is your mom."

So tight.

Everyone, raise your boob mugs.

Someone recently asked me if I was happy.

And, for the first time in my life, I could honestly say,

"Thanks to Spencer's Gifts, yes,

yes, I am!"

Okay, you're a caterer, but just for today.

You're gonna serve these Hollywood elites some appetizers

and knock their socks off.

Time to become just as famous as Steve.

- [Whack] - I'm a star.

I'm a star. I'm a big, bright, shining star.

So, what do you do?

I'm, uh... I'm a director.

Oh, you're gonna want some napkins.

They're my head shot!

Hey, everyone, the trailer for my new movie's on TV!

- Twin it to win it! - Twin it to win it!

That was our catchphrase.

[Sniffles] Look at me, all riled up.

Need something to calm my nerves.

[Indistinct conversations]

I've got eyes on the narcotics.

Everyone, freeze! D.E.A.!

[All exclaim indistinctly]

I-I'm innocent! I'm so innocent, I could jog to San Diego!

No! My...

Claritin!

Mr. Smith, we caught you with several kilos of cocaine.

Fortunately for you, we got our eye on someone bigger...

"Nose Candy" Andy Benedict,

the biggest coke dealer in Los Angeles.

Well, if cocaine's illegal, then you better lock me...

Oh, wait, I remember how I got here.

Listen, we'll drop your charges...

if you engage in a sting to bust Benedict.

You play the part, we let you go.

Play the part?

Yeah, I can do that. I'll act my ass off

and prove I'm just as good an actor as Steve.

To be clear, this is extremely dangerous.

[Scoffs] If you think that's dangerous, try...

escaping from police headquarters!

[Grunting]

All right. I'll do it.

- Roger? - Well, well, well.

Look who came crawling right back

when my career started blowing up.

You called me to come here. What is all this?

I'm playing the lead in a dangerous sting.

And I have you to thank, Steve.

If you hadn't ditched your own brother,

I wouldn't have found my real family...

These D.E.A. agents,

Mark and...

I want to say L'Kevin.

Sting? D.E.A.?

Th-This doesn't sound like a good idea, Roger.

Time to go. Benedict's expecting us

at the abandoned amusement park.

Goodbye, Steven. I'm off to become famous.

Soon, I'll be the one stuffing my liberal agenda

down real Americans' throats.

[Muffled] Has anyone seen Roger or Steve?

I think they're at Space Camp

or Rite Aid or something.

You monsters!

I'm 9 grand in debt!

This has all gotta get returned, now!

No can do, bud. We used the hell out of everything.

Oh, my God.

I'm... ruined!

I'm gonna lose it all.

My house. My car.

My car's house...

which is the fun, little way I refer to my garage.

I'm just gonna kill myself!

[Whimpering]

Life's not so bad, mister.

[Whoopie cushion farts]

[Chuckles]

[Laughter]

[Sighs]

So shines a good deed in a weary world.

I'm the Spencer of Spencer's Gifts.

I've been running people over for years

to see who would pass my test.

You're the first family who did.

Oh, my God!

Are we inheriting your novelty empire?

No.

- Wait. - [Bell rings]

Places! Steve,

you're pouring your heart out to your brother.

Meryl Streep, Ludacris,

you're very proud of your son.

Action!

We had quite a summer.

We tricked some grown-ups, solved that triple homicide.

But you know what the best part was?

Hanging with you, D'Shawn.

We spent our whole summer

trying to get our parents back together,

but I finally realize...

parents come and go,

but twins are forever.

[Gasps]

Is that true?

Psst, I had a few ideas about my character's back story.

Don't talk into your mike! It's very conspicuous.

- You him? - If by "him,"

you mean a lowly delivery guy born in Pensacola, Florida,

doing this for his quadriplegic son

who talks in a Pittsburgh accent like this...

"Hey, Dyad, yinz guys need to stop jaggin' arahnd."

Uh...

just show us the merchandise.

Did... Did you have a mustache?

What? Too butch? Too "Super Mario"?

Good call. Let's lose it.

Boss, I don't know about this.

You're right. This scene is totally not working.

Am I giving too much? Are you not giving enough?

Is it too late to introduce a limp?

All great questions. I'm gonna take 10,

then we'll hit it hard.

The limp feels all right!

[Whispering] Roger, what are you doing?

Proving I'm just as good an actor as you.

And I know exactly what this scene's missing...

sex appeal!

He's wearing a wire!

I'm nervous they saw the mike.

We got to pull him out!

Not yet.

He's got this.

How do we get out of this?

With twinanigans.

Hey, henchman, I'm over here!

One can have a dream, baby - Or am I over here? - Two can make that dream so real How'd he get over...

[Slow-motion death rattle]

[Bell dings]

One can wish upon a star - Twin it to win it! - Twin it to win it!

Two can make that wish come true, yeah [Both laugh]

One can stand alone in the dark [Gunshots]

Two can make the light shine through - It takes two, baby - It takes two, baby - It takes two, baby - It takes two, baby - It appears you're seeing double. - Me and you Double trouble.

- [Both laugh] - Just takes two Steve: Hey, we're up here!

- [Both laugh] - It takes two, baby - It takes two, baby - [Both laugh]

Me and you, just takes two -Twin it to... -Twin it to... - [Gunshots]

We're out of twinanigans. What now?

We use our God-given talents.

Look, before you kill us, I just want to say...

I love my brother.

[Voice breaking] You can shoot me,

and you can shoot him.

But brotherhood?

That bond is bulletproof.

That's... beautif...

Now, Roger! Use your talent!

Eat stuff!

[Slow-motion creaking]

[Gulps]

So, was that speech from "Boy Bait"?

No, Roger, it was from the heart.

Well, actually, the first part was from "Boondock Saints."

Ah, that movie's bad ass.

Oh, and how 'bout "Rounders"? So bad ass!

I can't believe you put yourself in danger

just to help your career.

It was never about the career.

When we stopped acting, you got your own life,

and we stopped being brothers.

I didn't want to lose that again.

Roger, just because we stopped being fake twins

doesn't mean we aren't still real fake brothers.

[Slow-motion] N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

[Creak]

Roger!

Tell you what, Steve.

I think I'm done with acting.

In fact, you could say I don't have the stomach for it anymore.

[Laughs] Ow! Ohh.

So, bro, you gonna miss show biz?

Eh, acting was always temporary for me.

You know I have my heart set on pharmaceutical sales.

Aah, a huge rat!

[Gunshots]

Oh, it's just an old T-shirt. Grab that for me, Steve.

- It takes two, baby - It takes two, baby - It takes two, baby - It takes two, baby

To make a dream come true Bye-bye. See you soon!

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