All language subtitles for Airplane II - the Sequel (1982)

Watch your step.

All Pulsar 4 mining personnel...

report to the Resource Expedition office,
Level 7.

Not on a four-hour layover.

Operator. Can I help you?

Phone home. Phone home.

Please deposit $6 million
for the first 3 minutes.

All lunar passengers...

please check with Passenger Processing,
Level 3.

- That's us.
- Mm-hm.

Will Scraps be able to sit with us, Dad?

We'll have to check, Jimmy.
It's a pretty long trip to the moon.

- Hi, there. Can I help you folks?
- Thanks.

Oh. Is that your puppy, son?

Yeah. His name's Scraps and
he's going to the moon with us.

Oh, no. No dogs are allowed
on the shuttle, son.

I'm afraid Scraps will have to be shot.

Scraps!

He shot him! He shot Scraps!

Just joking! Blanks.
See? Scraps is fine.

I says, "Whenever you're in town,
just call me."

Dinner in first class tonight
will be bean sprouts and broccoli.

- Fine.
- Will that be chanting or non-chanting?

Chanting, please.

Don't worry about the Viatex account.
We have a buy-or-sell option. We can't get hurt.

- Just keep on top of their legal people, Bob.
- Will do.

- And, Bob, feed the cats.
- Will do.

I'm sorry, ma'am,
you're only allowed one carry-on.

Oh. All right.

Bye-bye. Thank you.

For the best computer officer
on the lunar mission.

Simon, you shouldn't have!
I guess I'm a pretty lucky woman, aren't I?

Women and the space program
have come a long way...

but after the wedding,
no more complicated computers for my girl.

But, darling, they've offered me a chance
to head up the Computer Analysis division.

You're gonna head up the division in charge
of babies for Mr. and Mrs. Simon Kurtz.

That's an order, lieutenant. Come on.

Where's the passenger processing lounge
for the lunar shuttle?

- Concourse lounge C, fourth level.
- Thanks.

- Next.
- How long is my parking permit good for?

- Two hours.
- Thank you.

Yes, next?

- What's the fastest animal on earth?
- The cheetah. Next?

- Should I fake my orgasms?
- Yes.

- Thank you.
- Next.

This is Mission Control.

We have clearance on two-niner
for shuttle pre-launch checks.

Trans Delta 6, you are clear to descend
to 15,000 and hold until further notice.

There's a high-pressure front
moving in over Denver.

A low of 56 in the valley,
a high of 72 at the beaches.

The Supremes hit the top of the charts
with this one in the '60s, "Baby Love".

I have a collect call for a Michael Reese
from his mother. Do you accept charges?

This is only part of our mission control.

Right here we have re-entry
for all Earth-orbit ships.

That's handled by the computers and
simulated by these video units.

Now, if you'll step this way...

Phoenix 6, you're programmed
on R two-niner and computer locked.

Computer lock acknowledged.
Over and out.

Well, gentlemen,
looks like it's out of our hands now.

- Janet, they need you in control.
- Right.

Ah, shit.

Commissioner, we both know that shuttle
needs another month of pre-launch testing.

Forget it, Bud.

- But Commissioner...
- I said, forget about it.

Mayflower is the first lunar shuttle
to fly from a commercial terminal...

and the boys on the board
want that flight to go on schedule.

What do the boys on the board
know about safety?

Get wise to the political realities.

The boys on the board are under heavy
pressure from the boys downtown.

Pressure from the boys downtown. A lot.

And I'll be the one they crucify
if that shuttle screws up.

- Not so fast. Frisk her!
- Okay.

These navigational charts seem okay.
I don't think there'll be any problem.

- Hey, why the long face?
- I'm still worried about the shuttle.

You saw Ted's report,
and he is the program's top test pilot.

Was the program's top test pilot
until his mental breakdown.

Sweetheart, the opinion of a madman doesn't
impress me or anyone else in the program.

The trial proved that.
Ted Striker's part of your past.

- Marcia?
- Joan.

It's for your own good.
It's for your own good.

- Please, may I have this bedpan?
- Mm-hm.

I have to give it to somebody else.
I'll bring it right back.

Mm-mm.

- Please, Mr. Goldberg!
- Mm!

So the company's doing pretty well.

The figures for the last quarter
show a 40 percent increase over the last year.

Visiting hours are over.

Doctor, do you think my brother will be able
to come home to the farm soon?

It's hard to say. It's a difficult case.
He still thinks he's an accountant.

Thank you.

You must believe me.
Invest in money markets!

And how are we this evening, Ted?

All right, I guess.

You can take off now.
We'll finish up tomorrow.

- I thought you might like a paper.
- Thanks.

- My God!
- What's wrong?

They're launching the XR-2300!
Know what that is, doctor?

The muffler bracket for a '79 Pinto?

No. That's the XR-2200.
The 2300 is the lunar shuttle.

It's got to be stopped!
Don't you understand?

They put me in here to
keep me out of the way.

You must understand the first step on the road
to mental hygiene is admitting you're sick.

You're sick, you're sick,
you're sick, you're sick, you're sick.

Now, listen, Ted.
Our only concern is your condition.

Your alpha scan reading
seems to be leveling off.

- Is that a good sign?
- Heh, it does the job.

I can't stand it!
I refuse to pay $2,000 a day...

for a hospital bed, rotten food,
horrible nurses, rotten doctors!

- What's his problem?
- The man's obviously crazy.

And by the way,
I spoke to Elaine this morning.

Elaine? Was she here?

No. She called me and asked me to
tell you that she's marrying Simon.

Why don't you tell me the whole story
from the beginning.

After all, that's why I'm here.

There's really nothing to tell.

My story is no different
than anyone else's story.

I'm sure you've heard it
a thousand times.

Anyway, it all started during the war. I lost
most of my squadron over Macho Grande.

Planes too.

You're too low. Too low.

After the war,
I couldn't go near anything with a pair of wings.

That is until fate dropped me in the seat
of a 767 into Chicago with no crew.

It's funny how fate can
make heroes out of cowards.

After that came the job offers,
then the publicity...

then the crash and the trial.

Order! Order!

Now this.

Well, there's more,
but I'm sure you'd all be bored by it.

Oh, no, no, no. Continue.

This is Mission Control.

In T-minus one hour, 43 minutes,
ground crew report to stations.

This is Mayflower 1,
get me the sarge!

Hey, Sarge! Hold up!

Here it is.

Give me that radio.

Kruger, this is the sarge.

There's no way this wire could have passed
inspection without Simon Kurtz's okay.

Now, what the hell's going on?

Patch up the damage.
Get that ship ready to fly.

- That's an order, mister!
- You got it, mister.

But you can tell your boys on the board
for me that this thing stinks of kickback.

- You heard it, boys. Now, what do you say?
- Screw him!

Ted Striker was right when
he test-piloted that sucker.

And what did he get for telling the truth?
A one-way ticket to the funny farm!

We don't have much time. Let's move.

The Love Boat

Soon we'll be making another run

The Love Boat

Thank you.

- May I help you?
- Yes. I'd like this, uh, Time and Newsweek.

And a Lifesaver and, um, the second
time bomb on the right, please.

Certainly.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

- Will there be anything else, sir?
- No.

Hi, Grandma Rudy!

Good to see you!

- Just a few more hours till lift-off.
- I'm very excited, Simon.

- Guess this is a first for you.
- No. I've been excited before.

- Elaine!
- Ted, what are you doing out of the hospital?

- There's no time. Are you on that shuttle?
- Both of us, Striker.

And when we return, we're getting married.

- Elaine, it has to be stopped.
- But, Ted, the invitations have gone out.

No, I mean, the flight has to be stopped.

Come on, sweetheart.

Elaine.

Simon, give me a moment with Ted alone.

All right.
You've got exactly 10 minutes till we board.

And, Striker, I'd watch my step if I were you.

Ted, this whole thing's all in your mind.

- You should've never left the hospital.
- Elaine, whatever happened to us?

Ted, I guess I'll always love you,
but I need Simon.

He's stable and a good provider,
and I need that at this stage of the game.

He doesn't run away from every challenge.

He doesn't let every little setback
eat him up inside.

Now, goodbye, Ted.

Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet
your captain. Captain Oveur.

Gentlemen, welcome aboard.

Your navigator,
Mr. Unger and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.

- Unger.
- Oveur.

- Oveur.
- Dunn.

Gentlemen, let's get to work.

Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur
in the Air Force?

Uh, not directly. Technically, Dunn was
under Oveur, and I was under Dunn.

Yep.

So, Dunn, you were under Oveur
and over Unger.

Yep.

Uh, that's right.
Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

See? Both Dunn and I were under Oveur,
even though I was under Dunn.

Dunn was over Unger,
and I was over Dunn.

Do you have any tickets
for the lunar shuttle?

There haven't been any available
seats for weeks now, sir.

What you want?
I got pairs, I got singles!

Check them out, y'all,
$400 lunar shuttle tickets.

Check them out. Lunar shuttle.
Smoking... What you want?

- What have you got?
- Lunar shuttle tickets, $400.

I got smoking, non-smoking,
first class, coach, economy...

by the aisle, by the window.

Take it easy, my man.
Lunar shuttle tickets!

- Hi. Thank you.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Three of you to the left.

- Hi. Can I take your case, please?
- No.

- Howdy, girl.
- Hello.

All right, keep that thing moving.

- How's it going?
- Everything's fine, Sarge.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. Ted Striker.

Jack, I got a bad feeling in my gut
about this mission.

Number two checks.

Workin' at the car wash, girl

- What's happening, bro?
- Atmosphere control okay.

- Atmosphere control.
- Check.

- Antigravity check.
- All right.

- Checks out in positive mode, sir.
- Check.

- Checks out in negative mode, sir.
- Check.

Neutral balance seems all right, sir.

- Good. That should do it.
- Antigravity off, sir.

Hope this weather doesn't
give us a problem.

Mr. Dunn, what's your temperature reading?

- Uh, 98.6, sir.
- That sounds normal.

Sweetheart, you should have gone
before we got on the plane.

Excuse me, sir, I think you're in the wrong seat.
That's mine.

Elaine, wait. Listen to me.

Ted, what are you doing?
Why can't you just let me live my own life?

It's more than just your life.
It's the life of everyone on board this ship!

We've gotta stop this flight.

- Ted, we're taking off.
- Elaine, why don't you trust me anymore?

Because you're not the man you used to be.
You should never have left the hospital.

- Please, take your seat.
- Elaine.

It looks like
that weather's starting to clear.

I checked the satellite photos.
Looks clear over Wyoming and Connecticut.

- We just heard from Detroit.
- How's she look over Reno and Buffalo?

- Clear. Check out the New Jersey suburbs.
- Right.

Mayflower 1, you're clear on
two-niner to taxi into launch position.

Roger. Ready to taxi. Over.

T-minus 30 seconds and counting.

Mark T-minus 20 seconds.

Ignition.

T-minus nine, eight, seven...

six, five...

four, three, two, one.

You have lift-off,
Mayflower 1! Acknowledge.

Roger, Control. This is Mayflower 1,
acknowledge lift-off.

Hello. Uh, we'll be serving breakfast
in a few minutes.

- Will all three of you be eating?
- Yes, thank you.

And, Jimmy, when you're finished,
I'll take you up front and you can look at the cockpit.

Gee, that'll be neat.

- I sure am glad they let Scraps ride with us.
- I bet Scraps is gonna love the moon.

Do you think things'll be
different on the moon?

It's gonna be terrific.
A whole new world, new kids to play with.

Does that mean no more headlines
about the rape trial?

How many kids get a chance
to live on another planet?

No more kids yelling,
"Your old man's a psychopathic sex pervert"?

Look, a man can make an honest mistake.
Anyway, she was asking for it.

They're all asking for it all the time!

Dad never slaps me around at home.
It must be his coffee.

No. I've been serving Dad decaf.

Hmm. Maybe he's just an asshole.

You know, dear, this reminds me of
the first train trip we ever took.

Out to your mother's house, remember?

How could I forget?

- You were so nervous about meeting my mama.
- Heh.

And I declare, you were pacing the aisle...

all the way from St. Louis to Sioux Falls.

And how about the time
we hopped in the family car...

and drove all the way to Woodstock?

Oh. That was a time.

And you got hold of that bad acid
and didn't come down for two weeks.

You kept telling everyone
that you were Jesus Christ...

and then you jumped off a roof
because you thought you could fly.

- What a bummer.
- No shit.

You look a little green.
Are you all right, young man?

You know, some people get airsick,
but I never do.

I must have an iron constitution.

- I'm all right.
- Good.

I guess what's really bothering me
is my whole life.

I really can't figure
where Elaine and I went wrong.

I'm sure you know what it's like
when two people share the same space.

Something happens.
Your vibes go out of synch.

I thought we shared
a very special kind of love...

but I'm not sure I know
what love is anymore.

I guess it all started at the trial.

They had to cover up for the crash,
so they made me the scapegoat.

I had no one to turn to.

I'm sure you've had
the same experience yourself.

I couldn't believe
what was happening to me.

I think it's important
we establish a few facts...

so these people will be prepared
to make a fair decision.

First, were you or were you not the chief
test pilot for the lunar shuttle XR-2300?

Yes.

Now, on the fifth day of October this year...

that shuttle crash landed during a test.

Were you or were you not
the pilot on that flight?

- Yes, but I wasn't...
- And, Mr. Striker, is it not true...

that that crash was a direct result
of your incompetence?

No! The problem was with that ship,
not with me.

The wiring was shorting out.
I knew it wouldn't take a reentry burn.

That thing was a flying deathtrap.

The fact is, gentlemen,
nothing serious was wrong with that ship.

- Ted Striker just folded up on the approach.
- That's a lie!

Order! Order!

On March 5th, 1980,
flight 209 into Chicago lost its crew in midair.

And on that fateful night,
Ted Striker saved that plane.

I'd like to call one of
the passengers from that flight...

if it pleases the court.

Do you swear on the Constitution to
tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Ain't no thing.

Would you describe, in your own words,
what happened that night?

Check it, bro was on.

Didn't trip. Folks was freaking.

And the pilots were laid to the bone.

So blood hammered out and jammed, Jim.

Tighten that bad sucker side of
the runway like a mother. Shit.

I know I wouldn't be alive today
if it wasn't for Mr. Striker.

I find it difficult even now to think
about that night over Chicago.

Please try, Mrs. Hammen.
It's very important.

Well...

we lost the crew...

and...

the food poisoning
made us all very ill.

I lost control. We all did.

And then the bad weather...

and the lightning...

- I've got to get out of here!
- Calm down! Get a hold of yourself!

Stewardess, please,
let me handle this.

I've got to get out!

Calm down. Now, get back to your seat.
I'll take care of this.

Calm down! Get a hold of yourself!

Doctor, you're wanted on the phone.
Everything's going to be all right.

- I'll handle this.
- I've got to get out of here!

This is very important!

Let the court handle this!

Will you please control yourself?
Bailiff, Valium!

I flew with Striker during the war.

I'll never forget the night
we bombed Macho Grande.

Striker was a squadron leader.

He brought us in real low,
but he couldn't handle it.

Buddy couldn't handle it.
Was Buddy one of your crew?

Right. Buddy was the bombardier,
but it was Striker who couldn't handle it.

- And he went to pieces.
- Andy went to pieces?

No, Andy was the navigator. He was all right.
Buddy went to pieces.

- It was awful, how he came unglued.
- Howie came unglued?

Oh, no, Howie was a rock, the best tail gunner
in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.

- And he bailed out?
- No! Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out.

How we survived was a miracle.

Then Howie survived?

No. Afraid not.
We lost Howie the next day.

Over Macho Grande?

No. I don't think
I'll ever get over Macho Grande.

Those wounds run pretty deep.

Ted and I were very close once.
We had the kind of relationship...

where we laughed and laughed
and laughed all the time.

Do you know what it's like
to laugh like that?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Then things started to come apart.
He was obsessed with that shuttle.

He started to talk about it all the time,
even at night in bed...

and I guess that's when
the real problems started.

- Please elaborate.
- Well...

at first, sex between us was
a wonderful experience...

the way he touched me.

He was so gentle.

He'd unbutton my blouse...

and then...

And then...

We drifted apart.
I'm sorry. I can't go on.

At the request of this court, Mr. Striker
has undergone a psychiatric examination.

The court calls Dr. Franklin Stone.

Doctor, can you give your impression
of Mr. Striker?

I'm sorry, I don't do impressions.
My training is in psychiatry.

Of course.

In your opinion, doctor,
was Ted Striker competent to fly and land that shuttle?

The defendant suffers from
chronic psychological stress...

and in a pressure situation
can snap just like that:

- Like that?
- That's it.

It is my opinion he is a danger to himself
and others, and is in need of treatment.

Mr. Striker.

This court recommends that
you be confined to an institution...

for treatment until such time as you
are deemed fit to re-enter society.

But I was framed!

- Order! Order! Order!
- I'm not guilty! That ship did have faulty wiring!

Would you hold for a picture, please?

I'm not guilty! I'm not guilty!

Ted! Ted!

Judge!

- How about a photo for the Daily News?
- Of course.

Thanks, counselor.

Picture.

It's for Ted's own good, Elaine.

I thought I was right and
everyone else was wrong.

Now I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Well, there's a lot more to the story,
but you probably heard enough already. Heh.

I don't want to go on forever...

Uh, Captain, I'm picking up an overheat
in the computer core.

- How serious is it, Mr. Dunn?
- Uh, I can't tell, sir.

You can tell me. I'm the captain.

Uh, I can't really localize it,
but it is definitely in the computer core.

- Elaine, you better run a computer check.
- Yes, sir.

Voice interface.

There's an overheat in the core.
Please analyze problem.

There is no apparent overheat.

Yes, there is, Rok. We read a core overheat.
Repeat analysis.

Analysis confirmed.
All systems compute positive.

Well, not from where I'm sitting, they don't.

Look, Elaine,
cut the not-where-I'm-sitting shit.

It must be a human error.

Captain, I think we have a computer foul-up.

- I see.
- Well, what do you recommend, captain?

Maybe you better run it
through the computer.

- But, sir, I already have!
- Good.

Just to be on the safe side,
should I check the rear data banks?

- No. Why don't you check the rear data banks?
- Yes, sir.

Oh. Sir, you should really put that case
in the compartment above your head.

- I'll keep it with me.
- Well, I can help you if you can't get it up.

I said, I'll keep it with me.

- Ted. Ted, please.
- Elaine, listen to me.

- Ted, we can't go on like this.
- We have to go back.

I understand perfectly.
We had something very special, but it's over.

- We can't go back.
- This flight has to go back.

That wiring could blow any second.

There's nothing wrong with this ship.

The problem's in your mind,
where it's always been.

- Then you do think I'm insane.
- I'd never use the word insane, Ted.

- What word would you use, Elaine?
- The word is "sick", Ted.

Goodbye.

Uh, sir, that overheat is getting worse.

I'd better get back into the core
and check it out.

Uh, thanks,
but I'd rather you check it out, Dunn.

Uh, right.

Sir, we're carrying
emergency fuel back there as well.

You'd better get back there too.
I'll fly the ship.

- And be careful.
- Yes, sir.

Captain, do you mind if Jimmy here
takes a look around?

Of course not, Mary.
Come on in, Jimmy. Hi, there.

Thanks.
Boy, there's a lot of neat stuff in here.

Well, this is really the nerve center
of the whole ship.

Say, that sure is a cute puppy.
What's his name?

- Scraps.
- Scraps.

- Can I hold him once?
- Yeah.

Heh, come on, Scraps. Oh, I used to have
a puppy like this when I was a kid.

- You like to play ball with him?
- Yeah.

Sure. You like to throw a stick
and have him bring it back?

- Yeah.
- Heh, of course you do.

Well, my goodness,
Scraps is a boy dog, isn't he?

Yeah.

Jimmy, do you like it when Scraps holds
onto your leg and rubs up and down?

- God help us.
- Look at this place. Check those fuel drums...

- ...I'll take care of the computer.
- Right.

Jimmy, do you ever wonder
why dogs sniff each other in the...?

- Well, captain, everything A-okay?
- Yes, everything's fine.

- Right, Jimmy?
- Yeah, everything's real neat up here.

That's strange.

What's strange, captain?

It's an asteroid field. But there's nothing
like that in this sector, unless...

- Unless what, captain?
- Well, unless we're off course.

- Captain Oveur, Dunn here.
- Yes, come in, Dunn. Over.

There's been a pretty bad fire here, sir.

We're going to have to
disconnect the damaged systems.

Mr. Unger is attempting
a manual shutdown right now.

What are you doing, Dave?

Well, sir, the computer has
suffered some bad damage.

This is highly irregular.

Right. Right.

I just hope we can still control
Rok's higher brain function, sir.

Do what's necessary.
I'll go to manual on all downed systems.

Yes, sir, we will... Unh!

- Jesus!
- Hang on!

I'll try to override Rok's circuit and
shut the door from here! Almost got it.

Holy shit!

- Did you see that?
- Excuse me?

There's two crewmen out there. Look.

I'm afraid there's nothing out there
but empty space.

I swear I...

The defendant suffers from
chronic psychological stress...

and in a pressure situation
can snap just like that.

Like that. Like that. Like that.

Maybe they were right about me.

My God. Maybe I am cracking up.

- What's happening, captain?
- We're off course and computer-locked.

That fire in Rok's core must have
played havoc with his higher brain functions.

Captain, Mr. Dunn and Mr. Unger were
sucked out an air lock in the computer room.

Both together?

Mr. Dunn and Mr. Unger were
sucked out an air lock in the computer room.

Don't panic. Calm down, ladies.
Now, are there any other problems?

Captain, we've run out of coffee.

Damn! I've told them a hundred times,
store extra coffee!

Captain, what should we do if
the passengers start to panic?

All right, this is the way we're gonna play it.

Mary, I want you here in case
there's a full-cabin press.

Testa, cover Mary's weak side
in case she gets double-teamed.

- Right!
- Right!

Captain, I don't think
we have any alternatives.

I see.
What do you think our alternatives are?

We have to disconnect
Rok's higher brain function...

without disturbing its regulatory system.

That computer has a self-defense mechanism.

Dunn and Unger tried,
you heard what happened to them.

I know. Sucked out.

Still, it's our only chance.
I think it might be safer try it from up here.

Roger. You get back and
monitor the regulatory unit.

- Right. Good luck, captain.
- Don't worry about me.

Ladies and gentlemen, please calm down.
Please, listen to me.

I want to tell you what's going on
with the ship.

Thank you.
We've been thrown off course just a tad.

What's a tad?

Miss, what exactly is a "tad"?

In space terms,
that's about half a million miles.

Oh, that's interesting.

The bumps you feel are asteroids
smashing into the hull of the ship.

Also, we're flying
without a navigational system...

and can't seem to change course.

Miss, are you telling us
absolutely everything?

Not exactly. We're also out of coffee.

Listen to me! Your crew is in
complete control of the situation.

Trust me.
There's absolutely nothing to worry about!

You're right. They're off course
and heading straight for the sun.

I've seen enough, Bob.

Two minutes for high sticking.

Get me Steve McCroskey, and fast.

McCroskey hasn't handled a tower
since the strike.

Ever since Reagan fired the controllers,
he's been completely senile.

Yeah, but what about McCroskey?

- Pretty much the same as Reagan.
- I don't care. Get him.

Father, I've led such a sinful life.

I'm married with two kids,
and there were these girls at the company.

I got both of them pregnant,

so I had to steal from the company
to pay for the abortions...

- God bless you.
- Thank you, Father. Thank you.

I've always loved you, darling,
but I have to tell you...

I was unfaithful to you, just once.

Oh, I understand, darling.

Remember Jill, my first secretary?
Forgive me.

That's all right.
I knew about it all the time.

- I was unfaithful too.
- I understand, darling.

Remember Susan, your last receptionist?

I don't mean to sound forward.

I mean, I know I don't know you...

but I don't think we're going
to live through this...

and I've, uh, never...

been with a man before.

I know this really isn't the place.

Oh, no, no. I understand.

Who turned off the...?

What are you doing, captain?

This is highly irregular.

- Get me some coffee, miss.
- Yes, sir.

- A quart of Geritol and a ham on rye. No cheese.
- Yes, sir. Welcome home, sir.

- Here's the navigational charts, sir.
- Good, good.

- Get me radio contact with that ship. Pronto.
- Pronto.

Here's all the available information
on the sun, sir. That thing is hot!

- Get me Bud Kruger immediately. And some ice.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Jacobs.

I want to know absolutely everything
that's happened.

Well, let's see, first the Earth cooled,
and then the dinosaurs came.

But they got too big and fat,
so they died, and turned into oil.

And then the Arabs came and
bought Mercedes-Benzes.

Prince Charles started wearing
Lady Di's clothes.

I couldn't believe it. He took her best
summer dress, put it on and went to town.

Things sure haven't changed.

Captain, I think we've got... Captain?

Captain Oveur, what's wrong?

What's wrong? What are you trying to say?

One? One? One what? One word!
First word? First syllable?

Captain, I'm not very good at this.
Ten words!

How to Succeed in Business
Without Really Trying.

What am I saying? Throat.

Throat. Sounds like choke.
Choke. You...

Oh, my God! You were gassed by Rok?

I got it! I got it!

Elaine.

Simon, the Captain's been gassed by Rok.

Simon, we're way off course.

You're right, Elaine.
We are off course.

- My God. The sun.
- What is it, Simon?

The large fiery ball at the center of our
solar system, but that's not important now.

We're headed right for it.
We've got to get off this ship.

Don't be a fool, Simon.
We have to change course.

We're computer-locked,
and the manual navigational system is down.

Then Ted was right all along.

What am I gonna do?
My career will be ruined.

Your career? What about the careers
of the people on this ship?

The lawyers, the architects,
the dental hygienists?

Forget about them, Elaine.
We have to think of ourselves.

What happened to the man I thought I loved?
I'm gonna get Ted.

Just don't come apart on me now.

I... I don't mean to sound forward,
I mean, I know I don't know you...

but I don't think
that we're gonna live through this.

And I've never been with a man before.

I know that this isn't the right place.

Damn. Until we get through to them,
our hands are tied. We gotta make plans.

Sorry, I'm busy right through Friday.

- Stinson.
- But how about lunch Saturday?

Have you contacted the families
of the passengers?

They're outside now, sir.
They're not too happy.

Try and calm them down.
For God's sake, be diplomatic.

Give them the lead!

Ted. Ted, listen to me. We've lost the crew,
and Simon's turned to jelly.

Ted, we need you.

Elaine, you were right about me.

I folded up over Macho Grande,
and I folded up on the test flight.

I crack under pressure,
just like they said.

You overcame your drinking problem.
I know you can overcome this.

It's no use, Elaine.
I just can't do it.

Ted, you were right about this ship.

I don't know how to say this, but maybe
in this mixed-up, topsy-turvy world of ours...

they should take all the quote
"sane" people and lock them up...

and let all the psychopaths out
of the asylums to run the world.

No, I guess on second thought,
that's a bad idea, Ted.

What I'm trying to say is that I was
wrong and I hope you can forgive me...

because we need you in that cockpit
now more than ever.

Excuse me, ma'am, there's some
banged-up people back there.

I'm gonna need some fresh sheets, gauze,
Q-tips and all the Vaseline you have.

- Ted, please!
- Right now.

- Are you the nurse?
- Yes. Take this.

The washroom's just down there
on the right.

I don't mean to sound forward.

I mean, I know I don't know you...

but I don't think we're going
to live through this...

and I've never been with a man before.

I mean, I know this isn't the right place...

Simon, I...

This is Mission Control.
Do you read, Mayflower? Over.

Hello. This is the Mayflower.
Come in, anyone.

Okay, okay.
Now we're making some headway.

Yeah, yeah. We read you, Mayflower.
Identify yourself.

Well, this is Elaine Dickenson.
I'm 5'8", 123 pounds...

I have, uh, brown hair, blue eyes.

I enjoy surfing, backgammon and
men who aren't afraid to cry.

Will somebody tell me what a woman
is doing in charge of that ship?

Well, maybe she's got her ship together.

But he smells so bad.

- Can I sit here for a second, mister?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Be careful with that food.
- I'll be careful.

- Can I ask you a question?
- What is it?

It's an interrogative statement
used to test knowledge.

But that's not important right now, mister.

Is my dog Scraps going to make it
through all this okay?

I'm scared, mister.
Somebody has to do something.

Scraps is going to be fine, son.
You'll both be just fine.

Striker, you gotta listen to me.

I had nothing to do with this.
They forced me to cut corners.

- Get out of my way!
- You gotta help me, Striker.

- Elaine. You're all alone up here.
- Ted, yes, I am.

- What's going on?
- There's no time to explain. Sit here, Ted.

- I was wrong about you.
- We all make mistakes, Elaine.

- I'll never make that mistake about you again.
- Forget about it.

We're not living in the past
or the present anymore.

- This is the future.
- Huh?

Don't worry about a thing.
Everything's going to be okay.

I love you, Ted.

Here it is.
Elaine Dickenson, she's the ship's computer officer.

Jacobs, what have you got
on Elaine Dickenson?

Well, I'm 2 inches taller,
a better dancer and much more fun to be with.

Ted, I have the strangest feeling...

we've been through
this exact same thing before.

Except this time
I know exactly what I'm doing, Elaine.

Ted!

You mean...?

That's right.
We're at the mercy of that computer.

Then these things are totally useless.

This is Mayflower 1 calling Mission Control.
Do you read me? Over.

At last, a man.
That's more like it.

This is Mission Control.
Identify yourself and give me your position.

The name's Striker.
I'm sitting down and facing front.

Why would you want to know that?

Striker? Striker, Striker, Striker.

- Striker! Striker.
- Unh!

- Ted Striker?
- That's right, McCroskey.

I may be in the cockpit,
but I don't think there's a hell of a lot I can do.

We're at the mercy of the computer.

- McCroskey, do you read me? Over.
- Striker?

- McCroskey!
- Come in! You're fading out. Come in. Over.

- Damn! Lost them again.
- Could be sunspots.

Could be your dishwashing detergent.

Striker flew that 767 into Chicago
years ago without a crew.

Now, would somebody please tell me
what in Sam Hill he's doing up there?

The radio's gone dead.
Elaine, try the emergency phone.

Help us, please.

Thank you for calling
the Mission Control emergency line.

All our operators are busy,
so please stand by.

- Ted, it's a recording.
- Let me have that.

We said, all our operators are busy,
so please stand by!

I told you, Bud. The boys downtown
are taking heat from Washington.

You realize the president's
gonna want an explanation.

Bud, I told you, let the boys in Washington
handle the president.

Sorry to pull you out of bed.

- Ah, forget it. I was reading.
- What's the story?

Uh, it's about an old man who catches
this fish, but that's not important now.

Sir, we have restored radio contact.

Good. We keep losing their radio.

McCroskey, give it to me straight.
What's it look like?

A radio? It's about so big, green,
with numbers, lots of knobs.

I mean the situation.
What do your people think?

They're screwed.

They're dead.

Did I leave the iron on?

Come in, Control.

Yeah, yeah. We read you. Come in. Over.

McCroskey, I gotta be straight with you.

I don't think there's any way
I can regain control of this ship.

Striker, this is Steve McCroskey,
chief controller.

Now, I want you to listen to me now
and listen good.

A few years ago, I helped a young pilot
who I think we both remember...

through a storm over Chicago.
He said he couldn't do it too.

But when the going got tough,
that kid pulled it together.

You might have read about him.

He made all the big papers and
the Canadian Jewish News.

I don't know if that kid's still got it...

but if he has, I know one thing...

if he was up there now,
he'd find a way to turn that bucket around...

and get the hell out of there, pronto!

I'm afraid you gave the wrong speech.
I'm not your problem. It's the ship.

The fire in the core made
the computer go berserk.

We've lost the crew,
and we're locked en route to the sun.

All right. Now here's what you do.
Stay calm, keep an eye on those gauges.

Things are going to start to heat up. We'll
figure out some way around the computer.

- What are we gonna do, Ted?
- Elaine...

we're going to have
to blow the computer.

Blow Rok?

- That's right, Elaine.
- Ted, there's no way you can do it.

What do you mean?

That computer has a self-defense mechanism.
I don't know how we can get around it.

We've already lost three men.
I don't want to lose you too, Ted.

Then I guess it's in God's hands now.

I'm Father O'Flanagan.
I'm a man of God.

And you must trust me when I say
it's very likely that we're all going to die.

Our top story tonight,
four-alarm fire rages through downtown Buffalo.

Also in the news, lunar shuttle heads
for the sun and certain disaster.

Our top story tonight,
four-alarm fire rages through downtown Tokyo.

Also in the news, American lunar
mission locked in death struggle.

A four-alarm fire in downtown Moscow
clears way for a glorious new tractor factory.

And on the lighter side of the news...

hundreds of capitalists are soon
to perish in shuttle disaster.

If this country was run by vegetarian women
rather than flesh-eating men...

this whole space disaster
would never have happened.

Right now, we're working to
raise the consciousness...

of the vegetarian minorities with
diet sensitivity training...

so that people will be able
to deal with the fal...

The key to this whole thing
is their computer.

Until we can figure out a way
to put that ship on manual,

there's nothing we can do for them.

- Get me that computer program.
- Yes, sir.

- Who's in charge here?
- McCroskey, Control.

- Hallick, Homicide.
- Jacobs, Sagittarius.

What's your problem?
We've got a few our own, so make it good.

One of your passengers is carrying a bomb.

- That's a good one.
- Passenger's name is Joe Salucci.

He was supposed to fly to Des Moines
for an operation.

Something to do with sexual impotence.

- The Des Moines Institute?
- You know it.

We're familiar with it.

Joe gave his wife this insurance policy
then he got on the shuttle.

Mrs. Salucci thinks he might be suicidal.

So we had the boys in Psychiatry
do a profile on him.

- Yeah, that looks pretty bad.
- It's not his good side.

Now, the way I read it,
blowing up a plane in space...

leaves no traces for
the insurance investigators.

This is a $1 million policy.

Wait a minute.

- This is auto insurance!
- That's why we're worried, gentlemen.

This clown's impotent, suicidal
and incredibly stupid.

And that spells trouble in my book.

Oh, yeah?

Trouble. Trouble.

- Stinson, give me those Mayflower plans.
- Yes, sir.

- You, clear that table in there.
- I'll get the cards and the bridge mix.

And somebody get me the sarge.

The heat in this cockpit
is getting unbearable.

You can fry an egg on this control panel.

Ted, I don't know
what's going to happen to us...

but I want you to know now
I love you and always will.

That might be the news
we've been waiting for.

This is Mayflower 1. Over.

Striker, I got some news for you.

Roger.

You got a passenger aboard
named Joe Salucci.

- He's carrying a bomb.
- A bo...? Ah!

No, not a "bo," a bomb.
Do you hear me, Striker?

Yeah, I heard you, McCroskey,
but what am I supposed to do?

Get that bomb. I don't care how.
But get it. That's our top priority.

All the other problems can just wait.

As if we don't have
enough problems already.

You'd better fasten your seat belt.

You're gonna have to put your cigarette out.

Okay.

- Mary.
- Yes?

- Which passenger is Joe Salucci?
- Sixteen-C. Why?

- He's carrying a bomb.
- A bo...?

No, not a "bo," a bomb.

Now, as discreetly as possible, I want you
to move the passengers into the lounge.

- We don't have a lounge.
- That's not important now.

What you've gotta do
is get those people away from that bomb.

- What should I say?
- Anything.

Just don't let Salucci think we're on to him.

I'll do my best.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen, please.

Would everybody move to the lounge
who is not carrying a bomb.

Don't move!

Mr. Salucci,
they know about you back home.

Stay where you are!

Joe, you don't want to blow that thing
and kill all these people.

- I don't care about them.
- Joe, listen to me. It's hopeless.

No one's ever gotten away
with a stunt like this before.

Joe, the insurance is worthless now.

- I don't believe you.
- Joe, you've got to trust me.

No one's gonna hurt you.
No one has to know about your problem.

- No one has to know you're impotent.
- Don't say that word!

Scraps!

Nice going, Striker! Nice going!

We may not be out of the woods yet,
but you got rid of that bomb.

Not exactly, McCroskey.

What do you mean not exactly?

- The bomb's right here beside me.
- There, beside you in the cockpit?

Striker.

What the hell are you doing up there?

I got an idea. It might just work.

It's a long shot,
but it's the only shot we've got.

I want to use the bomb
to blow the computer.

Striker, you've got to be crazy
to try a stunt like that.

You may be right, McCroskey,
but it's the only chance we've got.

When that bomb blows,
we're gonna lose our oxygen fast.

I'm gonna have to get this ship out of here
as quick as I can.

- I'm taking her to 0.5 warp.
- Zero-point-five warp?

Zero-point-five warp.

I test-piloted this shuttle,
I know exactly what it can do.

Striker, listen to me now and listen good.

That thing is bound to come apart on you
at that speed, and that's no good.

It's gotta be in one piece
when you land on the moon.

You know damn well that that warp drive
has never been tested!

Ah!

You're putting yourself and everybody
else on that ship in jeopardy!

- Over here!
- All right, contestant 38.

Bart, I'll take air shuttle disasters for 40.

The answer is the Mayflower.

Ted, what are you going to do?

Elaine, I'm going back there with the bomb.

Ted, you're my hero.

Ted. The bomb.

Ted. Be careful.

Now, listen good. If you got any ideas,
now is the time. I want to hear them.

How about a game show like
Hollywood Squares but with kids?

Gary Coleman could host.

- Ted, Ted, Simon just ejected.
- Sit down, Elaine.

If this bomb trick works, we might make it.

- Simon was a fool to eject now.
- You mean...?

That's right. Premature ejection.

Striker, listen to me now and listen good.

You're gonna be on lunar radio range
any second.

The next transmission that you receive...

will be from Buck Murdock
at Alpha Beta Base.

- Not Buck Murdock?
- No. Buck Murdock.

Who's Buck Murdock, Ted?

Just a guy I flew with during the war, Elaine.

He was with us that day
I led the raid over Macho Grande.

And he's still alive?

Striker, son, we're all betting on you.

I'll take 5-to-1 they all die.

8-to-5 the women and children make it.

6-to-4 they lose the crew.

Zero-point-five warp.

God help them.
Nobody's ever traveled at that speed before.

Last spring, we did Europe in nine days.

And then we went to Bakersfield
and then we ended up in Fresno.

Fresno? No one goes to Fresno anymore.

All communication lines are clear.

We're ready to transfer to Buck Murdock
at Alpha Beta. Over.

Gentlemen...

I don't find it easy to talk
at a time like this...

but I gotta say something
about that guy up there...

and I can sum it all up
in just one word:

courage, dedication, daring, pride,
pluck, spirit, grit, mettle...

and G-U-T-S, guts!

Ted Striker's got more guts
in his little finger...

than most of us have in our large intestine,
including the colon!

When we're ready, we would like you to
remove your eyeglasses and your shoes...

and place your head between the knees.

Between your own knees, Father.

We've blown the computer.

Elaine, you'd better check the readout.

We're slowing down.

- Okay. Set course change.
- Set.

- Compute.
- Compute.

Okay, here goes.

Elaine, we hit 0.5 warp,
and everything seems okay.

We've got gravity control back.

Sorry.

Elaine, you'd better brace yourself.

This is faster than man
has ever traveled before.

Oh, wow.

In case some of you are wondering,
we are traveling one half the speed of light.

Some of you might experience
a temporary metabolic change...

but there's nothing to worry about.
Thank you.

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

- Commander Murdock.
- What is it, lieutenant?

Sir, the Mayflower's in trouble.
She's coming in hotter than a firecracker.

Their computer's down.
They've lost their crew. They're on manual.

- We'd better get to the tower.
- We have no tower, sir.

- No tower?
- Just a bridge, sir.

Why the hell aren't I notified
about these things?

Lieutenant, how would you handle this?

- We could try ignoring it, sir.
- I see.

Pretend nothing's happened and
hope everything's all right in the morning.

- Just a thought, sir.
- I've considered that.

There's got to be a better angle. Shh.

Shh.

If they've lost their crew and are on manual,
who's in control of that bucket?

- Some guy by the name Ted Striker, sir.
- Ted Striker.

- Do you know him?
- Never heard of him.

That's not exactly true.
We were like brothers.

We flew together during the war.

We were close, real close, until...

- Until, sir?
- Until that day over Macho Grande.

- Over Macho Grande, sir?
- No, I'm afraid I'll never get over Macho Grande.

Forget it, lieutenant.
It wasn't a pretty picture. Let's go.

Right, sir.

Shh. Shh.

- What have you found?
- These red lights keep moving back and forth.

This thing seems to
have no other function whatsoever.

That's impossible.
It must have some function.

Why would the government
put all that money into a thing

with lights that go back and forth?

Sir, these lights keep blinking
out of sequence, sir.

- What should we do about it, sir?
- Get them to blink in sequence.

You.

- Rorschach, what do you got?
- We've run these tests.

Thank you. What do you make of these?

That's a bird. That's a cow.
That's a horse with a hat on.

Sir, I pulled Ted Striker's record.

- And?
- I don't think you're going to like it.

- My God. That's worse than I thought.
- Sir?

They should hit our atmosphere in 3 minutes.
How do you want to play it?

I want a 6-foot trench dug around
the entire base. Fill it with gasoline.

- You.
- Yes, sir.

Get the women and children
to the shelters.

- Contact the Japanese ambassador.
- Sir.

- Rorschach, get me a complete file...
- Yes sir.

on everyone who's seen The Sound of Music
more than four times.

Yes, sir.

On second thought, kill those orders.

Down scope.

Fate can play a strange game sometimes,
lieutenant.

Fate, sir?

Striker wipes out his entire squadron
over Macho Grande...

and now those people's lives up there
are in his hands.

I guess irony can be
pretty ironic sometimes.

But it's his ship now.

He's the top dog...

the big man...

numero uno honcho...

the head cheese.

I just hope he has the right stuff. Up scope.

Sir, we have radio contact.

Yes, I'll take care of it right away.

Uh, sir,
we've had some problems with the ship.

If you're going to use the washroom,
please be careful.

Oh, thank you.

- Oh. I have been on my feet all day.
- Oh.

I sure could use a little breather.

Striker, this is Buck Murdock on Alpha Beta.

- Do you read me? Over.
- I read you, Murdock.

Hope he's not still bitter about
what happened between us during the war.

If it weren't for those people up there,
I'd say let Striker go down...

in a fiery, twisted mass of molten metal.

Okay, Striker, let's just pray
you don't screw up here...

like you did over Macho Grande.

- So just follow orders.
- Roger.

We've got you locked on beam.
Get ready to kill auxiliary engines.

Roger, Murdock.

All right, Striker, kill the auxiliary engines.

Ted, the lever!

Murdock, the lever just came off in my hand.
We're still at warp.

Try another lever.

There are no more levers, just switches.

- No buttons?
- No, just switches, lights and knobs.

Oh, cut the bleeding-heart crap, will you?

We've all got our switches,
lights and knobs to deal with.

I mean, down here,
there are literally hundreds and thousands...

of blinking, beeping and flashing lights.

Blinking and beeping and flashing.
They're flashing and they're beeping.

I can't stand it anymore!
They're blinking and beeping and flashing!

- Pull yourself together, sir!
- I'm all right. I'm all right.

All right, Striker.

You're gonna have to pull that lever panel off.
Do you understand?

- Just rip it off.
- Roger.

Elaine, screwdriver.

- Okay, the panel's off.
- Find a piece of metal and shove it in there.

- A piece of metal?
- Hurry, Striker! Any piece of metal will do.

I'd give my right arm to get a piece of metal
from this room up to that poor boob.

I mean, here we are surrounded by metal,
and it's useless.

Might as well write them off.
Let's close up the bridge.

Let's get out of here.

Close it up. Lights out.

Where am I going to find
a piece of metal here?

In space? At this hour?

Will this work, Ted?

Thanks.

Hold it, Murdock.
I think I've got something that might work.

- Wait.
- A bobby pin.

Bobby pin?
What the hell's a man doing with a bobby pin?

Hmm.

Lights on.

All right, Striker,
if a bobby pin's all you got, it'll have to do.

Just shove it in there,
you're gonna have to short that thing out.

Ted, it's working.

We're losing speed. But she feels like
she's going to break up at any second.

- She's starting to shake.
- She's starting to shake.

- She's starting to shimmy.
- She's starting to shimmy.

She's starting to...
She's starting to, uh...

What? What? What is she starting to do?
Striker, what is she starting to do?

- Shudder, Ted?
- She's starting to shudder.

She's starting to shudder.

How bad is it, sir?

It's not good,
but at least she's not beginning crack up.

She's beginning to crack up.

Quiet! Quiet!

We're monitoring you all the way, Striker.
Keep her nose up. Don't fight her.

I'm trying, but she's fighting me!

Ted, there's Alpha Beta.

Elaine, we're going to have to come
in pretty low to land this thing.

- Is that difficult, Ted?
- Sure, it's difficult.

Coming in low is part of
every textbook approach.

It's just something
you have to do when you land.

Huh?

Striker, we don't have a hell of a lot of time,
but I want to tell you this.

You pull this off...

and there's gonna be a lot of people
just might forget that Macho Grande ever happened.

We're gonna get her down and down safe.

Striker, before we go any further,
there's one very important thing you should know.

Ted, slow down! The base is straight ahead.

They've just hooked into
a radio communications satellite...

and as we speak, our transmissions are
being broadcast all over the world.

Billions of people are
hanging on our every word.

The eyes, ears, noses and throats of
every American are on you, Ted...

each one of them hoping and praying...

that you could put that ship down
on the ground in one piece.

Ted, we're not stopping.

Now, Striker,
start by positioning your landing gear.

Lower your flaps.

Just keep her level.

There's no looking back.
Put on your horizon sensor and level her off.

Ted, we're going back up.

Elaine, you'd better get ready
for this landing.

Keep up your stabilizers.
Don't lose control.

Now fire both those jets and
hang on with both hands.

I said, both hands, damn it!
I'll tell you one thing, Striker...

you bring down that flying hunk of junk,
you're okay in my book.

Don't fight her, Striker.
Hold her steady. Hold her up.

I hope you enjoyed your flight.

Fly Pan Universe again.

You gotta hit the center of that strip.

One or two feet off, you're a dead duck.

- Let's go home.
- Heh.

Yes, thank you for flying Pan Universe.

Have a nice stay.

Hope you enjoyed your flight.

Shift those turbo chargers.

Now check the sensors.
Deploy your secondary boosters.

Is there a courtesy phone around here?

Hello. We'd like you to have this flower.

We're with the Church of Lunar Consciousness.
Would you like to make a donation?

Hello. We'd like you to have this flower.
Would you like to make a donation?

You're almost home.
Hold her. Hold her.

Stay with her, Striker.
Stay with her. It takes a soft touch.

Don't let her get away from you this time,
Striker.

I don't know if this is a good time to ask...

but would it be possible for me
to get my briefcase back?

- Striker. Striker!
- Unh!

Ted Striker?

Do you know what it's like
to laugh like that?

Yes. Yes, I do.

What did he get for telling the truth?
A one-way ticket to the funny farm.

- Des Moines Institute.
- Then you know it.

We're familiar with it.

I'm gonna get Ted.
Just don't come apart on me now.

Jimmy, do you like it when
Scraps holds on to your leg...

and rubs up and down?

You were gassed by Rok?

- I got it! I got it! Ha, ha!
- Ha, ha!

Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger,
and first officer, Mr. Dunn.

- Unger.
- Oveur.

- Oveur.
- Dunn.

- We better get to the tower.
- We have no tower, sir.

- No tower?
- Just a bridge, sir.

Why the hell aren't I notified
about these things?

Lieutenant, how would you handle this?

I want to know absolutely everything
that's happened up till now.

Well, let's see. First, the Earth cooled.

And then the dinosaurs came, but they got
too big and fat and died and turned into oil.

And then the Arabs came and
bought Mercedes-Benzes.

Give the court your impression of Mr. Striker.

I don't do impressions.
My training is in Psychiatry.

Of course.

Do you swear on the Constitution
to tell the truth, so help you God?

Ain't no thing.

- The second time bomb on your right.
- Certainly.

That's exactly what they'll be
expecting us to do.