All language subtitles for Abbys.S01E04.BAMBOOZLE+MEMENTO+AMZN.NTb+ION10

"Abby's" is filmed

in front of a live outdoor audience.

Furthermore, the whole idea
of a desert island playlist

is flawed from the beginning,
okay, because any device

capable of a playlist function

would inevitably have to be charged,

okay, and would limited battery life

affect my song choices? You
bet your ass it would.

I mean, I'm only talking songs

under two minutes. I'm
talking about early punk,

I'm talking about nursery rhymes...

Oh, Bill!

We all stopped listening forever ago.

What did I say about
hypothetical bar games?

Not when Bill's around.

Thank you.

So book club,

"Life of Pi." What did we think?

I didn't read it.

I watched the movie.

I watched the trailer.

I watched some of the trailer.

Let me get more pretzels,

and then we can discuss the
first half of the trailer.

Hi, Fred.

Emily.

Oh, it's...

Ooh.

Looks like somebody wants to...

join the book club.

What? Why would I...

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, Fred. You've been nodding

at Emily for months now.

You're allowed to have a little crush.

Yeah, Fred. You're sprung.

No, I'm not.

- Do you even know what that means?
- No, but I'm not.

What's going on over here?

We're teasing Fred about Emily.

I call them "Fremily."

I was gonna call them "Emilfred,"

but that sounds too
much like that sad lady

from "Handmaid's Tale."

You got divorced what, 15 years ago?

When was the last time
you were on a date?

Did you have to break up
with her on a land line?

First of all, I still have a land line,

and I'm also a grown man, okay?

I can handle my own love life.

You know, Fred, I also had
trouble meeting people

after I got divorced, so I
bought this dating book.

See, it's called "Learning
to Fish... Again."

It's, uh, a fisherman's guide

to getting back out on the water.

Very insightful book.
Chapter two is called

"Don't Be Afraid of the Lake."

It explains that lakes
are kind of scary,

but they're also nice.

I don't fish on lakes, Bill.

Well, yeah, but it's a metaphor.

- For what?
- Well, the lake is...

the hotel bar?

I haven't finished reading the book yet.

All right?

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

You should ask Emily out.

I mean, she's smart, she's attractive,

and she seems interested.

When we were leaving the
bar the other night,

she looked at your car and said,

"Oh, is that Fred's car?"

and I said, "Yeah, why?

She said, "Nothing. Just wondering."

So yeah, it might be on.

Why are we still talking about this?

I don't need to date. I like
things the way they are.

Come on, Fred, ask her out.

- It's just one date.
- Yeah, and then what?

What do you mean, "and then what?"

Well, we go out, we have a nice time.

- Then what?
- You go out again.

And then we go out a few more times.

And then what?

I don't know. You take a
weekend trip together.

Enjoy yourselves.

And then what?

Maybe after a few years,
you move in together?

Yeah, but really, to what end?

You have a partner with whom

you share your joys and sorrows,

thus making your life
richer and more meaningful,

and then even when you both die,

that love, that... that chemistry,

that bond,

it stays in the universe
for eternity, man.

Mm.

And then what?

I think I'm making some
progress with this book,

but, uh, I get a little
lost in the metaphors.

In chapter one,

there's lots of fish in the sea.

Okay, I'm with you there.

In chapter six, pole
caster rigging techniques

to increase your salmon harvest rate?

I mean, are the salmon women?
Are we okay with that?

Yeah, Bill, I'm cool
with comparing women

to an animal that's so stupid

it swims the wrong way up a river

and then jumps right
into a bear's mouth.

You know, Bill, I really
like to play the long game.

You know, really get to know
somebody before I make a move.

Hang out, become friends,

maybe even take them to the airport.

Like this one girl?

Hey, you know I'm not really
big on kissing and telling,

but we got stuck in
traffic for three hours

on the way to the jetBlue terminal.

Cool. How many stars did she give you?

James, you just need to be direct.

And I will eventually.

I'm telling you guys, low and slow.

That's the best technique for dating...

and sneaking up on a cat.

James, I know making a move is scary,

but you're being a
little bit of a chicken.

Well, we'll see who's a chicken tomorrow

when I help Willa move
into her new apartment.

Third floor walk-up.

We're gonna be at it all night.

Hey, Fred, how's it going?

Oh, uh, well, pretty good.

This morning, I saw someone
on an electric scooter

just eat it on the grass.

- Oh.
- So that kind of made my day.

Did you see that the Padres

moved Ramirez to the bullpen?

Now, who said they should do that?

Was it me or was it you?
I can't remember.

Hmm, it was you...

- Yeah, it was me.
- And not me.

So, uh, I was wondering

do you want to get
dinner tomorrow night?

Tomorrow. Tomorrow's steak night.

That sounds perfect.

- Okay, why not?
- Yes?

- Yeah.
- Great.

Interesting. He did not
even have to cast his line.

The fish just jumped
right into his boat.

So are you excited?

I don't know. It's a lot.

Am I fully committed to this thing?

You said yes.

Yeah, but sometimes,
the polite thing to do

is to say yes and then

disappear to Mexico for a month.

Come on, Fred, you gotta
get back out there.

You're a handsome guy.

You should be in the game.

I don't want you to be alone
and pathetic like Bill.

Come on. I'm just sitting here. Jeez.

Seriously, what's wrong with Emily?

Nothing. She's great.

I've just got my life set
up just how I want it.

I don't want another person

polishing off the Triscuits.

What I'm hearing is
you're afraid of change.

That's insane. I changed the name

of my fantasy baseball team

twice in the last five years.

You added an exclamation point

and then you took it off.

You're a maniac.

Point is, I'm not afraid of change.

Oh, okay, so you wouldn't mind

switching seats with me
for the night, then?

No.

Fred, it's just a barstool.
You're not buying a used car.

Oh, huh. You need a refill,

but look at that. We
are all out of Coke.

I do have this beat-up can

of "Queen's Choice" cola, though.

Is that okay?

Sure.

The queen is famous for
her taste in soft drinks.

Great. Then enjoy.

I like it.

Hey, James. How was
your date last night?

Did you go the classic route
and pay for the U-Haul,

or was it more modern,
and you went Dutch?

Okay, I'll admit.

Low and slow didn't work this time.

It's possible she just
sees me as a friend,

or as an actual mover.

Last night, when I was
done, she asked me

if there was paperwork she had to sign.

If you need some new
techniques to meet women,

I got "Ethical Flirting,"

"Peacocking for Dummies,"

and then "Who's Stella
Now? The Male Guide

to Getting Your Groove Back."

How about this?

James, who's someone you're attracted to

that you've always
wanted to go out with?

Ooh, Ursula from "The Little Mermaid."

Okay, I should have been more specific.

Who's someone you're attracted to

that isn't an evil,
fictional octopus monster?

I don't know.

Erica's cute,

and sometimes, she calls me Jimmy,

and that makes me feel cute, too.

Then just go over there. Let
her know you're interested.

Put it out there. Be yourself.

- Okay.
- Wait, wait.

Quick question: I took a quiz

in the peacocking book.

It told me specifically
not to be myself.

There's no way that's true.

Well, it says if you score
between a 31 and 40,

be someone else.

- That's a mean book, Bill.
- Yeah.

So what do you think Fred and
Emily are doing right now?

I don't know. I sort of picture them

on a walk, holding hands,

looking at antique cars,

refinishing a piece of furniture.

They're not in a Cialis
commercial, Beth.

I do hope it goes well.

Having a woman in his life
could do wonders for him.

Yeah, he might stop using
a wet suit as a bath mat.

You know men in
relationships live longer?

Actually, the exact opposite for women.

So that's a sad fact I know.

Fred, Emily.

What are you doing here back at the bar?

You're supposed to be on a date.

This is the date. Steak night.

Two-for-one T-bones at Vons.

Cialis commercials are getting grim.

You know what's crazy?

I cannot come up with a
single moral justification

for eating meat, but I
just keep doing it.

It's too good. It's incredible.

I just need one second
to listen to the steak.

Ah.

Medium rare has its own specific sizzle.

Oh.

Hey, Fred.

Shh, shh, shh.

Ah, okay. Go ahead.

Emily, can I borrow Fred for a second?

- Sure.
- Hey.

Excuse me.

Oh, here.

Count to 32,

and then pull those
babies off the grill.

All right, buddy, you got this.

Just walk over to Erica, say what's up,

and see if she wants to hang out.

Okay, okay.

Be direct.

Here I go.

You got this, Stella.
Get your groove back!

- Hey, Erica.
- Hey.

- How you doing?
- I'm good.

You're looking good. That's for sure.

Oh, thank you.

What ya reading?

Oh, just a Spanish textbook.

I'm taking a night class.

Oh, at night. Okay. That's what's up.

Um,

I was wondering, um, you
know, if you're free

and I'm free,

maybe... I could tutor you,

or you could just email
me your homework,

if that'd be easier.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So what happened?

I couldn't do it. I chickened out.

- James...
- I know! It gets worse.

Now I gotta learn Spanish.

What are you doing?

You two should be giggling in a bistro

or touring a softly-lit
vineyard, or not here.

This is steak night,

and this is where I make my steaks,

and it's night, so there you have it.

You didn't even bring any sides.

Were you just gonna hand
her a slab of meat?

It's frontiers-y.

Sides weren't even invented

until the First World War.

Okay, I have got guac,

string cheese,

and a half a sleeve of Ritz crackers.

Stop judging me! I live with three men.

They're locusts. They devour everything.

Guys, I don't need your help.
I know what I'm doing.

Fred, you're on a date. You
can't just listen to meat.

You gotta engage her, you know?

Talk to her about current
events or... or movies.

Oh, are those things I can talk about?

Thank you for the tip
on how to be a human.

Look, you guys, if she
doesn't like me how I am,

then it just wasn't meant to be.

I don't need you two
treating me like a child.

We're not treating you like a child.

Now get over here and put
on a nice collared shirt.

No, I don't want to.

Fred, put on the shirt.

No.

Hey!

You forced my hand.

This is a new low.

- Hey there.
- Hi.

I almost thought you forgot about me.

Did you change your shirt?

Oh, yeah. Well, I...

I realized the other one was very bad,

and... and this one is...

somehow better.

Oh, should I have brought
a change of clothes?

I may have an extra pair
of socks in my car.

Here's some sides

if you like that sort of thing.

I thought maybe just steaks and whiskey

would be good, but what do I know?

Guac and, uh...

Ritz crackers.

That's an interesting take.

Yeah, well, men are locusts,

or something.

Is everything okay?

You seem like you don't totally want

to be doing this right now.

Oh, yeah, no, no, I do.

I'm just a little bit in my head.

Beth and Abby have been on me

about this date since the book club.

Yeah, they've been all over me, too.

Really?

- Yeah.
- What'd they say to you?

Well, they said that
you were interested,

but that you'd never
make the first move.

So they told you to ask me out?

Yeah. Should they not have?

Are you not interested?

Oh, no, no, I am. I was. I am.

- Ah.
- I... it's just that

I don't like the deception,

you know? I'd have asked you out myself

in my own time.

Yeah? When?

You know, like, 5 to 17 years.

All right.

Let's forget about Abby and Beth.

Hmm.

How about we just start over?

- I'd like that.
- Okay.

Is it okay if I skip the sides?

I kind of like the simplicity
of booze and steak.

It's like we're on the Oregon Trail.

I said "frontiers-y."

Hey, you missed happy hour.

Did you just now get confused
about daylight savings time?

Actually, I've been with Emily.

Hi, guys.

Hey, uh, grab me a Merlot,

- and I'll fire up the grill.
- Okay.

Wow. Dinner again tonight?

Actually, we spent the
whole day together.

We had brunch...

something I've heard of, but never had.

Did you go to Joan's? Lavender and Iron?

Sweet Thistle? Rose Café.

Café Rose? One's better.

- The Pig's Ear?
- For God's sake, Bill!

I love brunch!

Anyway, Abby, you were so right.

Emily and I hit it off so well.

I should be more open to change.

See? I told you.

I mean, not in your face,
because I'm happy for you,

but kind of in your face.

Yeah, it's... it's crazy.

We have such a strong connection.

We're not getting any younger,

so I say we give this a serious shot.

Exactly. That's great!

And so we've decided
to move in together.

Wait, what?

Yeah, no, I know, it's fast,

but it just... it feels right.

Plus, Emily has this great place:

ocean views, a huge patio,

one of those drawers in the kitchen

that are magically filled with ice.

It's perfect.

Fred, the only reason
to live with someone

is if you're contractually
bound by marriage,

and even then, I consider
moving into the garage

all the time.

Beth, don't be crazy.

No one's talking about marriage.

It's not like we're gonna have kids.

Although...

Hey, babe?

Did you freeze your eggs?

That's a big 10-4 on the huevos.

Moving in?

Calling her "babe"?

Saying "huevos"?

What kind of an idiot is she?

She's made it this far as a free woman

and then leaves the door
open by freezing her eggs?

It's like getting to mile 26,

then heading right back
to the starting line.

Here's what happened.

He felt the touch of a woman

for the first time in a while,

and now he's losing his mind.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, say, Beth, do you
mind if Emily sits there?

By all means.

Hey, so, have you guys

thought this through?

I mean, you know,

Emily has a... a cat, right?

And you're... you're
allergic to cats, right?

Acupuncture is supposed to be
really great for allergies.

You know, I don't believe
in most doctors,

but acupuncture... that
sounds legitimate.

- Oh, boy, we gotta get going.
- Oh.

No, no, Fred never
leaves before last call.

Yeah, but we're going to
a stand-up comedy show.

Stand-up comedy?

It's the real guy that
the character Kramer

was based on, but this
guy is even better,

because he's not racist!

Okay, nope.

No, no, no, no.

No, that's it. That's it.

Fred, Fred, you're not
thinking straight.

You hate cats and stand-up.

One time, you said,

"If I ever pay money to go
to a stand-up comedy show,

"shoot me in the head,
because I'm already dead

and the aliens have taken over my body."

But this guy doesn't just do stand-up.

He also plays funny songs on the piano.

He's got one called

"We Didn't Start The Shire."

It's based on "Lord of the Rings."

That is so fun. Does he have anything

- on Spotify, or...
- Not now, Bill!

Fred, leaving your life open for change

doesn't mean changing every
single thing about yourself

overnight on a whim.

On a whim? No, Abby,

- we are really serious about...
- Emily, step off.

You're really nice,
but I will fight you.

Fred, this is all my fault, okay?

Your life is great as it is,

and I never should've
pushed you to change,

all right? I'm sorry. I was wrong.

You were... what was
the last part again?

I was... wrong.

Emily, did you hear that?

Oh, you were right.

I never thought she'd admit it.

You just got pranked.

What?

We're not moving in together.

You were gonna fight me!

I just wanted to hear you say

you were wrong, and you said it,

and now I got $20.

Yes, it was pretty great

- for all of us.
- Not now, Bill!

Grande es... no.

How's the Spanish coming along?

Es muy...

It's as far as I've gotten.

This is why I told you to be direct.

I was direct.

I usually wait for people
to ask me to do a favor.

This time, I offered.

I skipped a bunch of steps.

How about this? No favors at all.

No favors?

I gotta bring something to the table.

You don't show up to a
potluck empty-handed.

You bring your vegetarian lasagna

and your green beans, because, you know,

somebody's gonna forget something.

James, look at me.

You're a catch.

You're more than enough on your own.

The only thing you need
to bring to the table

is James.

Now get back over there and
ask her out on a date.

At the risk of using another metaphor,

put the ball in her court

and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm sorry. That was two metaphors.

Bill and his fish book are in my head.

Uh, yeah, so I finished

this book last night,

and it turns out that it was

just a book about fishing.

Oh, my God.

- Hola, Erica.
- Hola, Jimmy.

¿Cómo estás?

Look...

I think you're very beautiful

and I want to take you
on a date sometime.

Here's an imaginary ball,

and it's in your court now.

Okay.

Wait, what?

I said okay. I'd love to go out.

Me too. That's amazing.

I mean, I was worried no one at the bar

would ask me out again after
Chris and I broke up.

Some people are kind of scared of him.

Chris...

Chris?

You was dating Angry Chris?

No bueno.

I gotta hand it to you.
That was well-played.

Yeah, I was just trying
to prove a point.

You don't want me to change that much.

So you guys gonna go out again?

I don't know. Maybe.

Yeah, after last night,

I figured it wasn't a romantic thing.

What? Why?

Oh, I just... you know,
I didn't really sense

any chemistry between
you guys. Right, Beth?

Yeah, zero.

Yeah, it makes sense that, uh,

you wouldn't take it any further.

Who says I'm not taking it any further?

That's not up to you to decide.

You're right. Okay, my apologies.

We agree to disagree.

Yeah, we do, 'cause actually,
I think she's pretty great,

and I might just walk
over there right now

and ask her what she's
doing this weekend.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God...

I can't believe that worked.

I feel like I just
discovered a new superpower.

I... I see what you did there.

Thank you.

Hey, Abby.

You ever consider writing a book?

Not now, Bill.

Well, then when? When will it be time?

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --