Original subtitles

[ Bird squawking ]

[ Doves cooing ]

[ Banging, projectile whistling ]

[ Whistling continues ]

[ Crowd applauding ]

Yes. Sir, that was a jolly good six, sir. Wasn't it, sir?

Ah, is that Bathurst? Well played, sir.

I suppose that means we've lost the ball again.

There's another £4.95 down the drain.

Really, Headmaster, could you not wait until after the innings?

The way, er, Bathurst's playing, we shall all miss our tea.

[ Clears throat ] Still, I suppose it's impressive...

For the prospective parents.

Pretty sure we got those Abu Dhabi twins this afternoon.

I'm not sure that that isn't another £9,000 a year...

Coming up the drive now.

Um, what's his name?

Gove.

Tavallali, you and Green Minor look as if you could do with some exercise.

Come with me, please.

[ Bat cracks ] [ Boy ] It's your turn!

Dr. Gove, I presume.

Well, actually, it's Magnus Gove.

Yes, 'course.

I'm the headmaster. Your mother telephoned to say she was very sorry...

she couldn't Meet you at Heathrow.

She's been delayed in Monte Carlo, apparently.

Some sort of shoot or other.

Shame. Shame.

[ Bell clanging ] [ Headmaster ] Never mind. Here you are.

Now, these are-- [ Indistinct ] [ Boys chattering, shouting ]

[ Chattering, shouting continues ]

[ Shouting continues ]

[ Gulps ]

Ah, Gove. Blending in nicely.

I see you've met Bathurst. Bathurst, you've had rather a good day. Well done, you.

Now, why don't you be Gove's nurse for the next couple of weeks?

Just think of him as a sort of, uh, elder brother.

All right? Good, good.

Ah, Simpleton, let me borrow you...

for a moment or two.

[ Boys chattering ] Any good at cricket?

- No. I've never played. - Well, you'll have to learn. What about tennis?

'Fraid not.

Well, what do you play?

- I like to cook. - Cook? Girls cook.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Praying in Latin ]

Amen.

[ Chattering resumes ]

Silence!

You don't need to talk as you're sitting down.

Thank you.

- Excuse me. Is there any more butter? - No,

but there's marg.

It's polyunsaturated, 44 calories less per serving.

Headman says it's good for us.

Why don't you go and get some more?

[ Chuckles ]

No, no, no, no! No boys allowed in here.

It's a fire hazard, health hazard-- just a-- just a hazard.

- What do you want, anyway? - Some more margarine.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Don't come in. Don't come in. Don't come in.

Beryl, where's the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"?

Mm-hmm. There you are. Now go. Go, go, go,

go, go, go.

Gone.

- [ Gasps ] - [ Boys laughing ]

Silence, please!

[ Yelling ]

[ All yelling ]

[ Grunting ]

- Ooh! Ooh! - [ Grunting ]

Ooh! Ooh!

- Oh! - [ Grunting continues ]

Stop it! Now!

Stop it! Stop it!

I'll report you to Major Longfellow.

Raptor's not here.

[ Boys chanting ] Raptor's not here.

Raptor's not here.

[ Grunting continues ] Bloody well stop it!

[ Girl sneezes ]

Pwang!

Pwang!

- Pwang! - [ Boys ] Pwang! Pwang!

Pwang! Pwang! Pwang!

Small boys!

[ Boy chattering indistinctly ]

Small boys.

Thank you.

- Settling in all right, are we? - Y-yes, thank you.

Splendid. Probably a livelier bunch than you're used to at home, huh?

[ Boys chattering, laughing ]

[ Boy ] That's my pillow! Good night. Lights out.

[ Boys snoring ]

[ Snoring continues ]

[ Clears throat ]

Lamp post!

- Why do you come so late? - Why are you upside down? - How tall are you?

- Why are you such a spaz? - How come you're so weedy?

What's the square root of 112?

[ All ] Shut up, Goof!

- Have you had a bath, yet? [ Boy ] - Cave! Cave! Raptor!

[ Boy #2 ] Yeah, right! Raptor won't be back for ages!

[ Boy ] Yeah! [ Man clears throat ]

[ Light clicks on ]

Ah. The new boy.

[ Clears throat ]

Don't be wet, Gove. It'll put hairs on your chest.

Ah, Chef. Um, what exactly is this?

Tofu lasagna, Major Longfellow.

Yes. Very healthy.

Is there any truth to the rumor that there's cheese to follow?

Yes, yes, yes. As a lovely Greek feta, semi-skimmed.

Oh.

- Sir! Sir! Have I got two, sir? - All in good time.

All in good... time. Have I got two, sir?

Sir? Sir, have I got two? Sir?

- Sir? Sir? - You're lucky. You got two.

Oh. Nothing for you, Gove, I'm afraid.

[ Birds chirping, squawking ]

Where did you get that?

- I saved it from tuck. - Can I have some?

No. Wait 'til tuck on Sunday.

When you've quite finished snacking,

I expect to see you up front with Bathurst.

- W-why, sir? - Why?

Why? For the same reason that you learn Latin.

Now close ranks.

Gove! [ Puffs ]

[ Inhales ]

Are you feeling a bit better now?

Are you sure?

Okay, then. Off to bed.

Have you ever been to France?

We can see that from my father's window.

- Can you really? - You can come and stay, if you like, in the holidays.

[ Chuckles ] Don't be so silly.

I'm not. My father needs a nurse like you.

Why? What's wrong with him?

He's having an operation, but he's going to get better.

Enough idol chatter, Miss Charlotte!

Have you finished those name tapes?

- I was just going to do them now, Miss Plunder. - Hmm.

I think you're going to be the winner of the two packets of maltesers very soon.

Yes, well, we do actually roll our sleeves down after we've been to the toilet, please.

Thank you. Oh, there you go. Try and make those last for the week,

and no sweet papers to be left around.

Ha-ha!

Do we put our jacket on, or do we come as Rob Roy MacGregor?

Would you get out? Out!

- Pay your tariff, Maggot. - What tariff?

- You can't do that. - Just have.

And what are you gonna do about it?

[ Throat clearing ] Settle down. Settle down.

Carry on with your letters. At least two pages.

And in English, please, Tavallali and Oberoi.

- Gove, are you deaf? - No, sir.

- What are you waiting for? - They stole my tuck, sir.

- Who did? - Bathurst and Mee, sir.

- Is this true, Bathurst? - No, sir.

It's not just me. They took everybody's.

You two, open up your desks.

- Yours? - Yes, sir.

- Yours? - Yes, sir.

Tavallali, open up your desk.

Already half eaten, I see.

I will not tolerate bullying in my form,

nor will I tolerate false accusations.

Gove, you will apologize to Bathurst and to Mee.

Get on with your letter.

Sneak! Sneak! Sneak!

[ All ] Sneak! Sneak! Sneak!

Sneak! Sneak! Sneak!

[ Boy ] Sneak! Sneak! Sneak!

You are a most inconsiderate boy, Gove.

The whole school has been looking for you.

Now, get in.

[ Clears throat ]

Running away is not a solution to anything, Gove.

[ Thunder rumbles ] In fact, it is downright cowardice.

Three-A is a model for the whole school,

and I will not allow your childish shenanigans...

to turn me into the laughing stock of Dryden Park!

Ah, Major Longfellow.

Uh... Headmaster.

I am happy to report that we have--

we have found the boy.

Good. Do come in, please. Here. He's in here.

Mama.

Mon cheri. Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Where have you been, cheri?

- What's the matter? - I want to go home.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

Now, mon petit, you must be brave.

We all must.

He's a good man, your headmaster.

You must listen to him.

Okay? Now, this is for you.

[ Ignition starts ]

Now, what do you say to our finding ourselves...

A really nice, hot cup of tea, eh?

[ Headmaster ] How about a low-calorie rice cake?

Hmm? I'm not hungry, thank you.

Oh. [ Thunder rumbling ]

Well--

well, perhaps you'd prefer--

[ Thunder rumbling ]

Ah. Fresh from the bakery this afternoon.

I happened to be passing.

Not for me, of course, but, uh,

we all need a-- a little reward from time to time.

You see, al-- although this can never be...

home,

we are a family.

Oh, yes.

A sort of, uh, home from home, if you like.

You need to earn your place, though--

make friends, earn their trust...

One by one if needs be.

- How's the eclair? - Jolly good, thank you, sir.

Do you know, I always used to think that...

the unsweetened cream brought out the flavor of the chocolate.

You sound just like my father, sir.

I thought you said your mother wasn't around.

She's not, most of the time.

I lived with my father until he--

until he went to hospital.

My mum died when I was your age. She--

God, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm so stupid.

I-- I didn't mean it like that.

I'm sorry. It's just I--

- I think I know how you feel. [ Longfellow ] - Charlotte?

What could possibly have possessed you to believe...

that these are mine?

It's not much to ask, for heaven's sake.

I'm sorry, father. I'll sort it out in a minute.

I need them now.

Hmm.

[ Clearing throat ]

You're not the only one that wants to run away.

Tavallali.

Green Minor.

And the last one--

the last one's for you, Gove.

[ Father's voice ] My dear boy, I can't tell you what a delight it was...

to receive your eagerly awaited letter,

but oh, what horror to learn of your bumpy landing at the old place.

[ Shouting, jeering ] Spastic!

If it's any consolation,

I, too, was not an immediate success.

[ Father ] While our respective institutions keep us apart,

you and I must practice the art of survival.

[ Cricket bat cracks ] As T.S. Eliot wrote once,

[ Crowd applauding ] "We all put on faces to meet other faces."

So brush your hair, polish your teeth...

and fix your smile,

and that is the face that the world will want to know...

and love as I do.

I and Paris eagerly await the exeat.

Until then, I remain, as ever, Your Devoted Papa.

P.S., Although we're now deprived of our dinners together,

we should not allow our scrapbook to go unattended this week.

I therefore enclose one of the very first recipes...

that Scoffier was kind enough to share with me:

Tarte tatin.

[ Boys chattering ]

Mmm. Excellent soup.

[ Boys laughing ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Can I get some more water, please, sir?

En francais, s'il vous plais. Alors?

[ Bathurst ] Um, je-- puis je... pain, Monsieur?

[ Instructor speaking French ]

Non? Monsieur Gove.

- Don't your parents live in Paris? - Y-yes, but--

En Francais.

C'est mon pere qui habite a Paris.

Mais nous parlons anglais chez nous.

[ Speaking French ] [ Boy ] Oh, that's enough!

[ Boy #2 ] - That's disgusting. [ Boy #3 ]- Oh, soggy.

I am not pleased.

I am not at all pleased.

Three-A is supposed to be the fast stream.

This is the most appalling Thursday test...

it has ever been my misfortune to mark,

with, uh, one or two exceptions.

Bottom, two out of 20, Oberoi.

No surprises there, you lazy creature.

Five out of 20, eleventh, Tavallali.

Eighth, equal with seven out of 20,

Luerrsen Major,

Cubitt,

Williams.

Green Minor,

seventh, nine out of 20.

Fifth, equal with 11 out of 20,

Pears... and Mee.

[ Boys together ] - You, sir? - Be quiet.

Fourth, Merriman.

Third, Burkhart, 13 out of 20.

And now we're getting quite close at the top.

Gove...

and Bathurst.

First, equal, 17 out of 20.

Nothing like a little bit of healthy competition,

eh, Bathurst?

[ Longfellow clears throat ]

[ Longfellow clears throat ]

[ Bell tolls in distance ]

[ Bathurst ] Oi, Maggot, come and have a look at these.

Cor, look at these, Maggot.

P.B.S. Cor! P.B.S.

Quick, Mee. Leg it. P.B.S.

P.B.S.

- [ Bathurst ] Have a good look, Maggot. - [ Water splashing ]

♪♪ [ Humming ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming continues ]

Wow! That was excellent!

Do you think she'll sneak?

No way. She's too wet. Did you see her P.B.?

- What's that? - Oh, Maggot, what do you think it is? It's so obvious.

Pointy breasts, of course.

Oh. Of course. [ Boy snoring ]

Hey, Bathurst,

I can hear Tava snoring.

So can I.

[ Snoring continues ]

Come on, Maggot.

- What do we do now? - We wait.

[ Chattering in disgust ] Ohh! Tava!

- Lamp post! - Aah! No! No!

[ Yells ] No! Stop!

[ Door lock jiggles ] Cave. Raptor!

[ Tavallali yelling ] [ Longfellow clears throat ]

[ Tavallali moaning ]

[ Tavallali moans ]

[ Moans ] That's all right, Tavallali.

- You're a cruel little boy, Gove. - But, sir, it wasn't m--

Two hundred lines this weekend.

- Here. - But I'm going to see my father for the exeat.

You should have thought of that before.

[ Cars approaching, boys chattering ]

You're just as bad as the rest.

[ Father ] My dear boy, I'm devastated by the news...

that you will not be coming to visit this weekend.

I was very much hoping that with your help, we would have been able to enjoy a little feast.

A particularly charming mademoiselle here...

was good enough to smuggle in some petit fours with my medication.

Alas, without company, they are merely sustenance.

Never underestimate the value of your allies.

That's amazing.

Sorry about the prank.

[ Father ] For allegiance is hard won, yet all too easily lost.

♪♪

God, that was really brill.

- You're just saying that. - No, I'm not.

- You're a whiz. - I can't play when there are people around.

I know they're laughing at me.

Well, I'm not.

Hey, when are your parents coming?

They're not, 'cause my dad's away...

on a really important mission.

Wow. Is he a secret agent?

Sort of. Yeah.

He's gone to Hong Kong. He's an estate agent.

What I'd like right now is a giant ice cream cone.

- Yeah. - With vanilla, strawberry and chocolate on the top.

Yeah. Yeah. And chocolate chip.

- And four flakes. - Yeah. And whipped cream and nuts...

and a cherry on top.

[ Green Minor ] My mum always puts a cherry on top.

There might be some in the kitchen.

Yeah, likely.

- Let's go and look. - What?

Ice cream. In the kitchen.

[ Sighs ] There isn't any ice cream for miles.

Well, how do you know?

No, no, no, no, no. No boys allowed in the kitchen.

[ Whispering ] Okay, we've seen enough. I'm sure there's no ice cream in here.

[ Whispering ] Fire hazard, health hazard, fire hazard-- just a hazard.

- Why are you whispering? - Shh! - Shh!

Ah, dumplings. My favorite.

- How did you know that, Miss Plunder? - [ Chuckling ]

It-- I-it's nothing fancy, you understand, Major Longfellow.

Thank goodness for that. I've never been one for those skinny little meals...

that leave you feeling empty all day.

[ Chuckles ] You're absolutely right.

- I just never feel truly filled. - Hmm.

Told you so. There's nothing yummy in here.

What about some pancakes?

- Where? Where? - Where? Where?

Here, here and here.

[ Yells ] [ Yells ] Fire hazard!

Health hazard! Fire hazard! Health hazard!

Shh!

A spot of honey.

Do you have any, Miss Plunder?

Um,

I'll just have a look in my box.

[ Clears throat ]

I can't seem to find any.

Do you know-- I don't remember when I last had any, Major Longfellow.

Oh, no matter. No matter.

Oh, I'll just go down and fetch some for you, if you like.

If it wouldn't be too much trouble.

- Honey on spotted dick is absolutely splendid. - Oh.

Quick! Someone's coming! Cave!

- [ Rumbling ] - I can't hear anything.

[ Louder rumbling ]

- [ All scream ] - Aah! We're all going to be terminated!

- I knew we shouldn't have been in here! - Quick! Hide!

[ Rumbling continues ] Where? Where?

[ Rumbling continues ]

- Quick! - Where? Where?

[ Rumbling continues ]

In there! In there!

[ Rumbling continues ]

[ All sigh ] [ Door opens ]

[ Sighs ]

Ah, a veritable feast, Miss Plunder.

[ Laughing ] Ahh, there's nothing like good old-fashioned dumplings.

[ Laughing ] I'm sure it's not up to Mrs. Longfellow's standards.

Oh, no, you're too modest. [ Chuckles ]

Unfortunately, Charlotte was too young to learn from her,

and there's precious little that I can teach her.

Nonsense, Major Longfellow!

She is most fortunate to have a father like you.

That's very kind of you to say so.

Well, it's true.

I know that we have never really...

talked over the last 25 years, but...

I have been watching you, Major Longfellow,

and I know that you are a most considerate man.

- [ Clearing throat ] - Oh!

[ Clock chiming ]

I'm so sorry, Major Longfellow.

I think I'd better go and...

check on the boys.

[ Chiming continues ]

[ Owl hooting ] Mmm.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

- Top tuck. Mmm. - What else can you make?

- Oh, lots of things. - Like what?

With the stuff in there, we could make some... biscuits?

[ Both ] Biscuits!

[ Watch beeping ] Cripes!

Lights out! [ Owl hooting ]

Ahh.

There you all are.

[ All ] Yes, sir. Here, sir.

Lights out.

- We should do this again. - What?

- Have feasts. - It's too risky during term time.

- We'll get caught. - Chef'll go bonkers. "Out. Out. Out, out, out."

We just need to be careful. We could do it after lights out, the three of us.

What, like a secret feasting club?

- I could be treasurer. - I don't care what I am,

I just wanna scoff.

Exactly. Scoffing.

That's what this is all about.

We're... scoffers. What do you reckon?

- Oh, I don't know. It's too dangerous. [ Tavallali ]- Yeah.

It would be another reason for Bathurst to bully us.

That's exactly why we should do it.

We're not on the teams for rugger and cricket,

but we're still a team.

We're...

the Scoffers?

The Scoffers.

[ Bathurst ] Come on, dad. It was just a fluke.

Not according to Major Longfellow, it wasn't.

He tells me this Gove boy is going to take your scholarship.

[ Bathurst ] It was just one test.

It had better be. I won't have you letting down the family name of Dryden...

after your grandfather and me and Richard and Henry.

Up to no good this weekend, eh, Gove?

Mmm, yes, sir. I mean no, sir.

- Why, sir? - Well, I didn't see you around.

- I'm very, very glad you've made some friends. - Headmaster!

Yes, Chef, Chef. I trust you've had a happy weekend.

Absolutely, Headmaster, until I come back and find...

That there have been boys in my kitchen.

In my kitchen!

That's a very serious accusation, Chef.

- Are you quite sure of your facts? - Look! Look! Look!

Y-yes. These do work. [ Chuckles ]

- What am I looking for? - Evidence. Evidence. Peanut butter.

You don't allow peanut butter. It's too unhealthy.

Am I right? Am I right?

Yes, Chef, of course. Absolutely.

I shall look into it immediately.

[ Headmaster ] They won't bite, Victor.

For heaven's sake, Headmaster, what happened to the chocolate digestives?

Never did anybody any harm. Look at me.

Health foods, Victor. That's what the mothers want. That's what they pay for.

Can't afford to ignore the mothers nowadays.

Thank you. They want their little treasures to eat healthily.

Poppycock. An army marches on its stomach.

Empires were not built on rabbit food.

Well, we don't have an empire anymore.

And besides, the school needs good karma.

And after all, you know, we are what we eat, are we not, Raptor?

I mean Victor. [ Clears throat ]

[ Gulps ]

[ Teakettle whistling ] Why do they call you Raptor?

You know perfectly well, Headmaster.

[ Teakettle stops ] I don--

Oh, yes. You mean the film, the dinosaur.

[ Chuckling ]

Yes.

Ghastly Hollywood rot.

Yeah.

[ Cubitt shouting ]

Quack! Quack! Quack! [ Duck quacking ]

Quack! That was pathetic!

[ Boys shouting in distance ]

[ Oberoi grunts ]

[ Toilet flushes ]

[ Chattering quietly ]

[ Moans ] Okay.

Your treatment's in the evenings. What do you want?

Well, I wanted to give you something.

What's this?

Nasty, inky ants?

Evil spiders?

Or something else just as horrid?

You think I'm really stupid, don't you?

[ Beeping ]

We'll need to get supplies.

But the village is out of bounds.

And it's a 40-minute walk,

then we've got a cross-country run this afternoon...

and double Raptor.

And we don't have any money.

- Then we'll have to sell something. - Like what?

- No! No! You can't! - But it's for the scoffers.

Oh. Okay.

I've got four more anyway.

But what about the run?

Yeah, what about the run?

So what is the boiling point of methanol?

[ Headmaster ] Hello!

"Sixty-five point five degrees C, sir."

Yes! Absolutely right, Mee.

Thank you. And what does "C" stand for...

besides centigrade?

"Celsius!" Yes. My goodness, you're all very quick this morning.

- This is never going to work. - Yes, it is.

This is how we get in tonight.

But how are we going to skive off the run?

- Just let me think. - Can I have my calc back, then?

No. We can't give up yet.

[ Headmaster chattering indistinctly ]

♪♪ [ Whistling ] [ Magnus ] Does the milkman come every day?

- [ Tavallali ] Yeah, why? - What time, exactly?

- I don't know everything. - [ Headmaster ] Alcohol, I'm sure you're aware--

Green Minor, you have something to say about this experiment?

- Uh, no, sir. - No?

Dumbfounded at its magnificence, are we?

I see.

I see.

I see.

[ Magnus' father ] During my own sentence at Dryden...

All those years ago, I spent many an afternoon popping off to Mr. Hill's...

in the High Street.

He must be long gone now, I fear. His blackberry jam was a true delight,

and I therefore enclose as this week's installment...

tarte aux myrtilles.

[ All panting ]

Remember, you've only got 45 minutes...

'til double Raptor.

I've se-- I've set the timer for you.

- Come on. - Okay.

♪♪ [ Rock music on headset ]

Ha! I've had pheasants with broken wings.

I've had bust-up badgers.

I've even had a deer with a torn winkie,

but I have never had a toff from Dryden House in the back of my cart.

You're a cheeky bugger. You wouldn't be tryin' to run away, mind, would you?

'Cause you'll get me into all sorts of bother.

I off-load my skimmed milk to that tight headmaster of yours.

I don't know why he bothers so. I mean, you're all loaded, aren't you?

- No, I'm not! - Oh, do me a favor.

No, really. See? No money.

Well, you're not gonna get very far without any cashola.

Listen, I'm going to sell this. Do you want to buy it?

What would I do with that? I do all my sums in the head.

What's 24 times 36? Thousand and eight.

Mind you, give you a fiver for that purse thingy of yours.

Fifteen! It's worth 50!

Fifty? Fifty? Ha!

[ Milkman laughing manically ]

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Bell rings ]

You're not a local lad.

Are you from Dryden? Does Major Longfellow know you're here?

I think I should report you.

[ Dialing phone ] Excusez-moi, Monsieur.

[ French accent ] My English is not so good.

Mon papa-- my father-- waits in the car.

We are on holiday.

We have come from Paris to take some of your famous jam.

- You heard of my jam all the way in France? - [ Bell tolling in distance ]

Hmm. Well, it--

it is quite well known, I know. Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

[ Longfellow clears throat ]

[ Horn honking ]

[ Speaking German ]

[ Speaking German ]

Good afternoon, Major Longfellow.

Good afternoon, Miss Plunder.

- Ohh! - [ Brakes screech ] - [ Crash ]

[ Shouting in German ]

- Burkhart. - Here, sir.

Green Minor.

I beg your pardon, sir?

"I beg your pardon"?

I'm sorry, sir. I thought you called out my name.

I did, you silly, silly boy.

Green Minor.

[ Bell tolling ]

[ Tolling continues ] Here, sir, and very much so, sir.

I hope we're doing gerunds today, sir.

I-I'm really looking forward to it, sir.

Be quiet.

Gove.

[ Tolling continues ] Here, sir.

[ Owl hooting ]

[ Camera clicks ]

It's 9:45 and they're still not here.

I'll bet Raptor's got them.

Why don't we just scoff the lot?

Five more minutes, okay?

[ Grunts ] In here.

Well, what are we doing here?

Raptor will blow us up if he finds out. [ Grunts ]

- Is there any more? - You're so greedy, Cubitt.

There's enough seconds for everyone.

Hooray! Hooray!

Shh!

Oh. That was a top idea, Gove.

I wasn't gonna come, but I'm really glad I did it.

It wasn't just me. It was Sukri and Alistair too.

You should tell Bathurst about this.

Well, we could,

but we probably shouldn't.

Not just yet, anyway.

Why not?

Well, wouldn't it be more fun to keep it a secret?

Yeah, like a secret society.

Exactly. And only Scoffers know other Scoffers.

But how are we going to be able to tell, then?

Oh, I know. We need a-- a signal.

Mmm, something like-- something like a secret handshake.

My dad has one of those...

In his society.

I-It's-- it's like this.

But-- but we need something different.

How-- how about-- what about picking your nose?

- No. - No. - That's disgusting.

- No, no, no, no. - Uh, no.

Come on. How about-- how about this one?

- How about this one? - What about this?

- That's a good one. - [ Oberoi ] Yeah, that's good. Scoffers.

What are you doing? [ Screams ]

It's no good hiding! Come out of there now!

I said come out now.

And turn that off. You could have burned the whole school down.

Come on, out!

We're done for.

- P.B.'s gonna drop us right in it. - I knew I shouldn't have come.

Thanks a lot, Gove.

Bathurst would never have got us into trouble like this.

Okay, listen. I'm going to go and talk to her.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

[ Knocking at door ]

Come in.

What is it now?

I thought I told you to go back to bed.

My father, Major Longfellow, will want to see you all in the morning.

- I know you've got to tell him. - I will.

You should.

I don't understand. Anyway, there's no point in explaining it to me.

No. I want to.

Do you really think we were doing anything wrong?

- Ask Major Longfellow. - I'm going to.

What do you think?

Lighting the bunsen burner,

that was dangerous,

but otherwise we weren't doing any harm.

Well, what were you doing?

Eating.

Eating what?

A blackberry tart with whipped cream on the side.

A blackberry tart with whipped cream on the side?

And I suppose you just baked that up in the kitchen, did you?

Well, yes. As a matter of fact--

Go away and leave me alone! I'm not stupid, okay?

- What did she say? - I don't think she was very pleased.

[ Tavallali ] Raptor's gonna kill us.

Raptor's gonna kill us.

[ Together ] Raptor's gonna kill us.

Wow.

Naughty.

[ Clears throat ]

I am not pleased,

and I think you know why.

I have been informed by more than one member of the staff...

that you three are...

Simply not pulling your weight...

in the games department.

Green Minor and Tavallali,

you have been consistently last or second last...

In every cross-country run this term.

And as for you, Gove, you don't even seem...

to have finished yesterday's.

The reputation of Three-A is built...

not only on academic excellence,

but also on performance...

on the sports field.

Everybody knows that The Battle of Waterloo...

was won on the playing fields of Dryden.

[ Fly buzzing ]

So what was going on last night, Cubitt?

- I think we're in big trouble, because-- - Cubitt.

- It's a secret, remember? - What sort of secret?

Oh, I didn't realize.

Then if it's a secret, you shouldn't tell us.

In fact, I don't think we should talk to you at all.

It's not really a secret. I mean, there are five of us.

[ Whispers ] P.B. didn't sneak on us.

Sorry, Bathurst.

[ Fly buzzes ]

No, I couldn't.

- You'd all just laugh at me. - No, we won't.

You'd be our guest of honor.

That Bathurst would laugh, all right.

No, he won't. It's not for people like him.

Look, it's tomorrow night,

9:30 in the pavilion.

Ple-ease come.

We can't go into the village again,

so we'll have to use what we can find here.

- More pancakes! - No. Got to be different every time.

- [ Green Minor ] Oh? Why? - Because the Scoffers have proper feasts,

and they've got to be different.

[ Miss Plunder clearing throat ]

Uh-oh. Dive! Dive!

You can come out by yourselves,

or I can come in and get you!

[ Magnus' father ] My dear boy,

how wonderful that you are enjoying the society of so many nice friends.

I accept with the greatest pleasure your committee's kind nomination...

as honorary chairman of the Scoffers.

The great Scoffier himself would have been tickled pink...

to lend his name to such an enterprise.

The almighty and the surgeons permitting,

I look forward to chairing one of your meetings in person,

especially if Miss Longfellow is to attend.

While her father sounds perfectly ghastly--

I have a slight suspicion he may even have taught me--

she sounds a most fragrant ally.

In the courtship of a lady, Magnus,

always remember that the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach.

Is it my turn now?

[ Magnus ] It's not just yet, Al.

We're saving the best 'til last.

Sorry. What's the matter?

Ca-- Cave. Rapt-- Raptor's coming. [ Gasps ]

[ Clears throat ]

[ Bell tolling in distance ]

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. [ Tolling continues ]

[ Boys ] Mmm.

[ Tolling continues ]

Please, come in.

Are you sure it's okay?

Of course.

Scoffers, a chair for our guest of honor.

[ Magnus ] We hope you like it.

Mmm.

[ Magnus ] Seconds, anyone?

[ All ] Mmm!

[ All laughing ]

Enough.

Enough.

Enough.

Enough.

[ Doves cooing, crowd applauding ]

[ Bicycle bell ringing ] Hup!

[ Ball whistles by ]

- [ Boys shouting ] - Mais non!

[ Crowd applauding ]

[ Speaking French ]

Out for another canard, eh, Valery?

Bloody silly rosbif game.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughing ]

It's time for another feast.

This time, it's gonna be really ace.

- What? - What's it gonna be? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, the only thing is,

we're gonna need an awful lot of chocolate.

[ Crowd applauding ]

Middle and leg, please, Headmaster.

- That's exactly where you were before, Major Longfellow. - Thank you.

Think they're far enough back, Bathurst?

Well, Mee, hope you're feeling quick today.

Ohh! Ooh! Ooh!

[ Boys laughing ]

- Oh, my giddy-- - [ Laughing ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Stay there! I'm coming! I'm coming! Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Major Longfellow, whatever made you come out without protection?

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Moans ] Never mind. Never mind.

I'll have you up in no time. Gather 'round, boys. Gather 'round.

Now turn around. [ Moans ]

[ Unzips ] Oh, Major Longfellow!

Even if we put together all our tuck,

we'd still only have seven ounces of pure melting chocolate.

Well, let's just use less chocolate.

Never! The recipe is quite clear.

Fourteen ounces is what the Charlotte wants,

and 14 ounces is what she'll get.

All right?

- [ Magnus ] No. - I beg your pardon?

- No. - I don't think I heard you correctly, Maggot.

Hand it over now!

I see. And what about the rest of you?

- They're not gonna pay either. - I've had enough of this.

What do you think makes you so special, Maggot?

We need to teach you a lesson.

[ Grunting ]

We're not going to pay.

Look. We've done really well so far.

- There's more to get. - What else now?

Half a teaspoon of poire williams.

- What's that? - It's a pong. Poire, Williams!

[ Boys laughing ]

It's a liqueur, a drink.

You know, alcohol? [ Bell ringing ]

[ Clears throat ]

The following will report to Miss Plunder after lunch for weighing:

Fenner, Rowley, Tavallali.

This will not excuse you from games, Tavallali.

[ Door opens ] Oh, yes, and Chef has...

a few words he would like to say to you.

Thank you. Look at this sign.

Look! Look! What does it say? What does it say?

"Out of bounds to all boys."

Some person or persons has or have been trespassing...

in my kitchen, and I won't have it.

[ Boys giggling ]

And I don't want to have to repeat myself, do I? [ Boys laughing ]

- [ Laughter continues ] - Mee, you're such a yob!

- What did you call me? [ Grunts ] - You stinking yob! J--

[ grunting ] [ Boys chanting ] A fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

[ Boys continue chanting ]

[ Grunts ] [ Grunts ]

That's it! I've had enough!

You can collect your own snotty tuck from now on!

[ Green Minor ] Fractional distillation.

After 60 degrees c you must stop,

because then you get alcohol,

and I'm sure you all know...

that is very bad for you.

Exactly, Al. That's why you're in charge.

Now, Sukri will get you the pears, and we'll go in tonight.

[ Magnus ] Nothing's coming out, Al.

Of course not. It's only--

oh, 119 degrees.

Watch it, Al. We don't want to do a Headmaster.

I think I've done something wrong.

Come on. Let me do it.

Mm-hmm.

[ Valve squeaks ]

Uh-huh.

There she goes.

- [ Liquid trickling ] - Poire Mee.

Yeah! Cool! Excellent! Excellent!

[ Both laughing ]

[ Magnus' father ] My dear boy,

I had hoped by now that the news from the front...

might have been somewhat better than it is.

Please don't alarm yourself.

I've always treated you as an equal...

and thought it only right to keep you fully appraised.

I've never, myself, liked surprises.

Better, one thinks, to fear the worst and hope for the best.

Then one is very rarely disappointed.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

Is there gonna be another feast soon?

I don't think so. They're too dangerous.

- But you were the one who-- - I know. I know. But Chef's got all woozy,

and anyway we're out of tuck.

- Well, I could go and get some from the village. - No, we're out of money too.

- I've got some pocket money. - No, it's just too dangerous, the whole thing.

Oh.

I see. [ Sighs ]

[ Magnus' father ] However, one must never be governed by fear.

Only by risking disappointment can we truly succeed,

and only by being surprised do we truly live.

I fully hope to surprise you yet.

And on the subject of surprises,

your plan sounds a delight.

As Chairman of the Scoffers,

I wish you all every success.

Well, Charlotte, happy birthday.

[ Clears throat ]

For heaven's sake, you're not dressed.

- Don't you ever knock? - What?

- What do you want? - Don't you talk to me in that tone of voice, young lady.

- Sorry, father. - I don't know what's got into you.

That stunt you pulled the other day,

riding your bicycle across the cricket pitch.

Honestly, it's disrespectful to the school, and it's disrespectful to me.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Charlotte?

Are you deliberately attempting to defy me?

Yes, father. I mean no, father.

[ Grunts ]

Three bags full, dad.

Miss Plunder!

Did you ever have any children?

No. No, Major Longfellow. You know that I didn't.

Wise. Very wise.

[ Beeps ]

[ Longfellow clears throat ]

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why? Why?

- We're not! - You're not what? What? What? What?

- What is that? - It's a Chocolate Charlotte.

- With pears? - Yes.

- The Scoffier recipe? - To the letter.

- Where did you get it? - We've just made it.

It hasn't set yet. That's why we want to put it in your fridge.

- May I? - Be our guest.

Mmm.

Oh, so wonderfully unhealthy.

Put it in the fridge. Now! Now! Now! Now!

Forty minutes, at least.

Look at all this mess. Look at it. Look! Look! Look! Look!

We were going to clean up while the Charlotte was setting.

- We always clean up afterwards. - You're lying. It's lies. Lies.

What-- what about the peanut butter?

- That was the headmaster. - The headmaster. I see. The headmaster.

We saw him.

The headmaster? Now I see.

- What were you all doing in here spying on him? - Baking. Uh, biscuits.

Or was it the, um-- creme caramel aux fraises?

Not with wild strawberries?

Not bad. Yes.

Not bad at all. Whoops.

There you are. Now run away quickly.

Go on. Run. Run.

Run, run, run.

Go and be naughty elsewhere, you little--

little... chefs.

- Miss Charlotte! Miss Charlotte! - What? What is it?

- There's been an accident in the pool. - At the pool?

- Well, let me go and get Miss Plunder. - No, there's not enough time!

Okay. Okay.

[ Bell tolling in distance ]

[ Tolling continues ]

Here.

This is silly. I can't see anything.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

[ Tolling continues ]

[ Light switch clicks ]

[ Tolling continues ]

[ Boys ] ♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday dear Charlotte ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[ All cheering ]

[ Cheering continues ] [ All ] Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

[ All cheering ]

[ Boys gasp, moan ] Pwang!

- Shh! - [ Boy ] Oh, really.

♪♪ [ Shouting, chattering ]

♪ Midnight is falling it's the witching hour ♪

♪ Leave all your worries and your cares behind ♪

♪ You've got a problem we can work it out ♪

♪ I'll show you something that'll change your mind ♪

♪ Ooh, feast at midnight

♪ Let's keep together and we'll all be stronger ♪

♪ There's no need to feel you're on your own ♪

♪ We've got a party that will last forever ♪

♪ We got a feeling that is--

Oh, thank you, Magnus. It's the best birthday I've ever had!

I feel really woozy.

Wow!

♪ You're sittin' in a well-worn groove ♪

♪ Ohh

- ♪ You've gotta change that attitude ♪ - [ Laughing ]

♪ So throw away that shabby dress ♪

♪ and come around and come around ♪

♪ We're gonna make a mess

[ Laughing, splashing ]

♪ You're sittin' in a well-worn groove ♪

♪ Ohh, you've gotta change that attitude ♪

♪ So throw away that shabby dress ♪

♪ And come around and come around ♪ [ Clears throat ]

♪ We're gonna make a mess ♪

Cave! Raptor's coming!

[ All shouting ]

What on earth is--

[ Boys shouting ]

Charlotte, what are you doing here?

You know you aren't allowed to be here.

- Come here! Come here! - Why don't you come and get me?

What is this? What sort of game are you playing at?

I'm having a swim-- a very nice swim, in fact.

You know perfectly well that the swimming pool is out of bounds!

I'm not one of your pupils. Come to think of it, I'm not even a boy.

Sorry, dad. By the way, did you know it was my birthday today?

Yes, of course I did.

So I thought I'd have a party.

Isn't that what you're supposed to do on your birthday?

Bit of music, lovely cake. Here, try some.

Gove is behind all this, isn't he?

That boy is a terrible influence on this school.

Be careful! Those things are priceless!

For God's sake, just listen to yourself!

Why does everything have to be so simple with you?

You and your rules! You and your stupid system!

You have to be good at Latin, good at cricket,

good at rugby, good for the school, otherwise you're not worth talking to!

- That's not true, Charlotte! - Yes, it bloody well is!

I've had enough! I've had enough!

Be careful! For goodness' sake, be careful!

It's a bit late to start caring now.

Charlotte!

Charlotte! Charlotte!

Charlotte. [ Sputtering ]

[ Softly ] Charlotte.

[ Bell tolling in distance ]

[ Sniffing ]

Oh, Major Longfellow. You-- you're still up.

Yes.

Is that for me?

Oh, I-- I'm afraid not. It's, uh-- it's evidence of--

the boys have been up to no good, I'm afraid.

I see.

Uh, I have just put the kettle on.

Would you like to come in and tell me all about it?

Oh, no. I really couldn't, you know. I-I-I-- I shouldn't.

[ Chuckles ] Well, maybe just a quick one.

Oh. Why don't you bring that in?

We can keep an eye on it.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Miss Plunder ] Mmm. [ Chuckling ]

- May I? - [ Longfellow ] Oh, be my guest.

[ Clears throat ] Ohh!

Mmm, Major Longfellow.

♪♪ [ Choir singing indistinctly ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Stops ]

Amen.

[ Clears throat ]

Now, I have some very bad news this morning.

To cut a long story very short,

there have been boys at the pool after lights out...

eating.

And not for the first time.

Now, you know who you are,

so we can resolve this very quickly.

All those who were there,

could we have a show of hands, please?

[ Whispering ] Don't do anything. She can't have sneaked.

They don't know anything.

I see.

Well, we will do it the hard way,

if that's what you want.

We will wait.

[ Whispers ] It won't be that serious.

We'll wait as long as we have to,

right through half term if necessary.

[ Boys moaning ]

There's one. What about the others?

There were no others, sir. It was just me.

I find that rather hard to believe,

since there was a grand piano involved.

Aha. That's more like it.

[ Headmaster ] This is very much more serious than I had originally thought.

Major Longfellow hardly needed to tell me...

that this cake has been laced with an enormous amount of alcohol!

It was only half a teaspoon, sir.

Be quiet, Gove. You're in enough trouble already.

Lying will only make matters worse.

- I'm not lying, sir. - Will you be quiet?

You all deserve to be expelled, every last one of you!

Supplying alcohol to minors...

is not only against the rules of Dryden Park, it is against the law of the land!

- [ Clearing throat ] Headmaster. - What?

Yes.

Thank you.

However...

Midnight feasts are one thing.

I've had them myself in the past.

And on this occasion, I'm going to allow Major Longfellow...

to deal with you in his own fashion.

Now you may go.

[ Headmaster ] Uh, Gove, you will stay.

[ Door closes ]

- And that one. - No, get off! Get off!

- Hey, get off! Mee, get off! Get off! - Give us that.

Mee, get off that. Hey, get off. No, get off!

[ Bathurst ] You wanna know something?

Nobody ever really liked you here, Maggot. Bye-bye.

- I still don't get it. - Nor do I.

But it was only five cc's of alcohol, and--

Mee's the only one who knows anything about it.

But it doesn't matter now.

[ Bell ringing ]

- It's lunch. - Liver and cabbage.

You'd better go now.

Bye, Sukri. Bye, Al.

- Bye, Magnus. - Bye, Magnus.

[ Door closes ]

Can't see what you're all whingeing about. Gove deserved it. Didn't he, Mee?

- Did he, Mee? - 'Course he did.

Don't you agree, sir?

What?

Oh, well, you're playing Hawtreys today, aren't you?

Yes, well, they'll give you a run for your money, Bathurst.

Mee? Where do you think you're going?

Mee! [ Door closes ]

My dear boy.

They given you any lunch yet?

Oh. In you get.

Mee, what's that?

- Mee, you little yob. - Tavallali!

- Luerssen! Cu-- Williams! - Give it here!

- Burkhart! Cubitt! - Give it here!

Merriman! Oberoi! Pears!

- Oberoi, give me that! Give me that! - Give it here!

Green Minor, give me that! Green Minor!

- Give it! - Bathurst!

Sit down!

[ Sniffs ]

Sir? Sir? Please, sir.

Sir, come on. It-- it was just a joke.

Bathurst, be quiet.

[ Boy ] Food fight!

[ Boys ] Food fight!

[ All shouting ]

You know, Magnus, there's--

there's a charmingly converted old mill house near here.

They do an awfully good treacle tart, I remember.

I'm sure they're still there.

And this evening--

oh, boy--

I've got something very special in mind for us.

[ Headmaster ] There are a number of farewells to be said today.

First off, Magnus Gove of Three-A, who left the school yesterday,

is looking forward to a--

a stint at the Scoffier School in Paris,

and our undermatron Miss Charlotte...

has left us for... more exotic climes.

Lucky her. [ Chuckling ]

[ Longfellow ] My dear girl,

a little something to help you on your way.

With love,

your... dad.

[ Cow moos ]

And last, but by no means least,

I'm sure you'd like to join with me in bidding farewell...

to Major Longfellow and to Miss Plunder...

after many years of dedicated service to the school.

They will be sadly missed.

And I'd also like to say that congratulations are in order...

on their forthcoming marriage.

[ Boy ] Pwang!

[ Clears throat ] Three cheers for Major and Mrs. Longfellow.

- Hip, hip! - [ All ] Hooray!

Hip, hip! Hip, hip! Hooray!

- Hooray! - [ All ] Pwang! Pwang!

- Pwang! Pwang! - [ Headmaster ] And that's...

quite enough of that, thank you.

[ Headmaster ] Now, uh, finally, Mr. Jourdren...

has asked me to let you know that...

until the rodent exterminator gives us the all-clear,

wind band practices will take place in the gym.

Closed-captioned by Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

♪ Midnight is falling it's the witching hour ♪

♪ Leave all your worries and your cares behind ♪

♪ You've got a problem we can work it out ♪

♪ I'll show you somethin' that'll change your mind ♪

♪ Ooh

♪ Feast at midnight

♪ You're sittin' in a well-worn groove ♪

♪ Ohh, you've gotta change that attitude ♪

♪ So throw away that shabby dress ♪

♪ And come around and come around ♪

♪ We're gonna make a mess

♪ You're sittin' in a well-worn groove ♪

♪ Ohh, you've gotta change that attitude ♪

♪ So throw away that shabby dress ♪

♪ And come around and come around ♪

♪ We're gonna make a mess ♪