Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

Mmm!

(CHUCKLES)

Shawn, I think I've discovered a new taste treat.

Cory, do you mind? I'm in the middle of...

Mmm! Cheesy.

Prove that you love me.

Look at her.

Like a Waterpik, this one.

Hey! How come you never lick the food off my teeth?

'Cause we're married now. I don't have to.

Okay, Cory, this is your last question.

"Do you ever have difficulty performing in bed?"

Why don't you tell me?

(CHUCKLES) Yes.

Hey! Topanga!

All right, everyone. Let's tabulate our scores.

Hey! Last night, I had a stummy ache.

You didn't take care of me, by the way.

All right, let's see who's gonna live the longest.

Peaches, I can't help but notice that you're ignoring me.

Okay, Shawn and Angela are going to live well into their 80s.

According to this, I should live to be 100.

This is fun!

What about me?

What about my longevity?

Okay, Cory, you got...

Hmm. Good for you, honey.

Good for Cor! I'm gonna live to be 100, too.

(CHUCKLES) No.

You've proved these people wrong by being alive right now.

Let me see that!

Cory, it's just a magazine.

Yeah. You're not gonna take this seriously, are you?

You guys wanna know what's weird about this?

Is that all of a sudden, I can't feel my legs.

Oh, here we go.

(SIGHS)

My life just got really bad.

Honey, your husband can't feel his legs!

What are we gonna do about this?

Movie? Anyone want to see a movie?

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

If you're not gonna take care of me now,

who's gonna take care of me when I get old?

Movie! Ooh! It'll be dark in a movie theater.

Ooh! CORY: Honey!

I'm dying, and you're going to a movie?

Nice wife!

Hello, wife!

You'll never guess what happened down at the store today.

A customer came in?

Yes. (LAUGHS)

And bought a tent.

First one since that stinking Blair Witch movie came out.

You know what this means, huh?

People aren't afraid of the woods anymore.

They're camping again!

Yes! Life is good! Nothing can stop us now!

I've decided to join the family business.

No, no, no.

Is this, like, the happiest day of your life or what?

(STAMMERING) Eric, you can't work in my store.

Why not? I sold it.

It's gone.

Sorry.

Alan!

Man, you know, that's too bad

'cause Jack and Rachel and I were thinking about

what we were gonna do with our lives and...

Yeah, you're a little freaked out about graduation, huh?

Well, yeah, I was until I realized that

I wanted to work with my dad.

Too bad.

Alan, this is your son.

Too bad.

(WHISPERING) Amy, things are just starting to turn around.

Shame on you!

You work with him!

Hey! What about school?

Well, you know, I'm only taking two classes,

so I can actually put in a full week Monday through Friday,

but I won't work on Saturday

out of respect for my Jewish peeps, you know?

Alan, you remember how we were worried about Eric's F-U-T-U-R-E?

(LAUGHING) Oh, Ma! You don't have to worry about my furniture.

No, no, no! This would be a great opportunity

for him to get some real-life work experience.

You know, I was thinking the same thing.

And what could be better than working with my dad?

Meat-packing plants, they're better.

Because they're in Wisconsin!

Go to Wisconsin, Eric.

(LAUGHING) Your father's just kidding.

Aren't you?

Yeah, I guess.

Good, 'cause I got a lot of neat ideas for the store.

Here's one. Now, try to follow me

'cause I'm gonna be doing a lot of this.

All right?

We hang little pine trees off the real pine trees,

to give that whole forest the new-car smell.

Did you see what I just did there?

See, I got a ton... I have so many of these ideas, it's like...

Kind of frazzles me every once in a while,

so I'm gonna go upstairs and keep thinking about them, all right?

Take this frying pan and hit me on the head as hard as you can.

Okay.

Good morning.

I couldn't deliver a urine sample.

No urine. Okay.

So, what seems to be the problem?

Well, Doctor, I took a test the other day,

and it said that my type-A personality and love of cheese

makes me a ticking bomb.

Hmm. What kind of a test did you take?

Couples magazine,

Courteney Cox, David Arquette skeet shooting issue.

Good-looking fellow, that Arquette boy.

Thanks.

So anyway, I was just, uh... My longevity results revealed

that I should have actually died last Tuesday.

Right, I see.

(BLOOD PRESSURE BELT HISSES) Hmm.

Okay, I hate that immediately.

Well, yeah, sometimes patients get a little nervous coming in,

their pressure goes up. Oh, good.

Although I'm just not certain

that's happening here in your case.

Wait a minute. Doctor, do you...

Do you really think there's something wrong with me?

Why? Would you like there to be something wrong?

No. Why would I want something to be wrong with me?

That would just be crazy.

Right. Do you have any history of mental illness in the family?

Uh, no, I don't.

(STAMMERING) I do have an uncle who thinks he's Sammy Sosa.

Hmm. Institutionalized?

Yeah, but they let him out for spring training.

Uh-huh.

Uh, is there a reason you're asking me all these serious questions?

Mmm-hmm.

I see in my notes here you've got, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Tummy ache, that your brain hurts,

and you've lost all feeling in your legs.

Yeah.

Could you tell my wife that?

I want you to write her a note.

Right. It says here you're a newlywed.

Things going well with the wife?

Why? Because she's not here?

Is that what makes you question my marriage?

Ever have trouble performing in bed?

(SOFTLY) Why? Did she call you?

No, she didn't.

You're very sensitive about all this, aren't you?

Yes, I am, Doctor. Are you gay?

No, are you? Yes, I am.

I'd like to check you for a hernia now.

Okay, good.

I want that and every other test you got.

Because we are not gonna stop until we find something wrong with me.

I'm a firm believer that the patient knows his body best.

Where would you like to start?

My armpit hurts. Right here. This one.

Right there. Okay, let's... Mmm-hmm.

And you should see him with the customers.

I'm telling you, this kid has a real affinity for people.

Amy, everybody's crazy about him.

So Eric did good.

Yeah, he actually did good.

You seem surprised.

Eric was always a people person.

Yeah, we know that, but we also realize that Eric's, you know...

Nuts.

No. Eccentric.

Eric has always marched to the beat of a different drum.

Most creative people do.

Well, I'm just glad he did well.

Amy and I have spent a lot of sleepless nights worrying about Eric.

Well, of course I worried but I always believed he'd be okay.

Yeah, well,

I wasn't so sure. Why?

George, you're his teacher. You know why.

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Alan, what are you getting at?

(EXHALES) Nothing, okay? Don't gang up on me.

Eric always did the best he could.

That's the most I can ask from anybody.

Well, we're talking about Eric stepping out into the real world.

It's not so easy out there.

No, it isn't.

And I understand your concern for your children, Alan.

Eric. I'm concerned about Eric. My other kids are doing just fine.

Howdy!

Eric, your parents tell me you're doing very well at the store.

Really? Well, you know what?

This has been, like, one of the greatest days of my life.

You know, I'm telling you something, Mr. Feeny.

I think I finally found my niece.

Niche.

Niche?

Oh! Oh! Eric.

Hey, I got something to show you.

Ma, look at that.

"Matthews and Son Outdoor Adventures."

Alan, what is this?

Oh, it's a mockup of the new sign I'm gonna have made.

Huh? What do you think of that, George?

I think it's, uh, very nice.

Feeny! Look at that.

I got a job after graduation.

Look, "Matthews and Son."

(LAUGHS)

Looks like I finally got a future.

(CHUCKLES) Thanks, man!

He's got a future.

He doesn't have to go out into the world and get disappointed.

That's what's important.

No, there's one more important thing.

What? You have no faith in your son.

All right. Well, thank you so much

for shopping my daddy's store,

and, uh, you got a good product here.

If anything goes wrong with it, come back,

you talk to me, okay? I'm Eric. Great.

Why don't I ring you up, get you on your way?

You know, Eric seems really comfortable here.

Well, sure. He's with his dad. It's a family store.

Why wouldn't he feel comfortable?

(SIGHS) I wish I was comfortable.

Yeah, I'd give anything to know what I was gonna do with myself.

What do you mean?

We graduate in May. Ugh.

Yeah, four months, and we're thrown out into the real world.

You don't know what you're gonna do?

Well, you know what? All this time, I've studied engineering and journalism.

Now comes the time when I actually have to choose between the two of them,

and I want to be a lawyer like Rachel. Ugh.

Lawyer was, like, eight careers ago.

I don't want to be a lawyer, either.

You know what I want to be?

I want to be Eric.

I mean, he's the lucky one.

Oh, come on. You're saying that for my benefit.

No. No. No, really.

Really, he's the only one that has a handle on things.

He is? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, he's got a job. His future's all set.

Yeah.

He's the only one of you guys whose future is all set.

Imagine that.

(BELL ON DOOR DINGS)

What do you think about that, George?

Hmm? Maybe you ought to go help your other little lost sheep, huh?

Go help them find their way,

because Eric's going to be just fine.

Alan...

What? I'm a little proud of my kid here.

I admit I was a little nervous for him...

You never believed in him.

No, I was a little nervous for him.

And you still don't believe in him.

You think he will go out in the world

and experience disappointment,

so you wanna lock him up here.

I thought if he would be here with you,

he would gain experience and confidence

and be ready to go out in the world.

And now, I think it might be the worst place for him.

He's safe here. And he's a step ahead of them.

So I was thinking med school.

You'd make a great doctor.

Yeah, people really love you.

Veterinarian.

What? Yeah, I mean, I love animals.

I always have, and I just love to take care of them.

You know, I love animals, too.

Would it be like, like a little shop,

and you'd help fix up little kids' pets and stuff?

Yeah, I want a bunch of letters on the wall

from little kids thanking me for helping their dogs.

Oh.

What about the ones you'd have to put to sleep?

I'm gonna be a caterer.

And you rather he was confused like them?

You know why they're confused?

Because they have choices.

They believe they are capable of anything.

Amy, not everybody is capable of anything.

Alan, eventually I have to let my students graduate.

I shelter them as much as I can,

but, finally, I have to let them go.

You know, we could keep Eric here.

We know he would do fine.

But we wouldn't know what else he was capable of.

And you know what's worse?

Neither would he.

Well, that's very nice.

You don't think I know what's best for my son.

Well, I think I do know what's best for my son.

Now, if you don't mind,

we have a store to run.

Excuse me.

He's been planning his funeral. I do the eulogy.

You get to light the eternal flame.

This is all my fault.

I should have never given him that stupid Couples quiz.

What did the doctor say?

He stopped off there to get his test results back.

But what if he actually finds out there's something wrong with him?

Oh, there's something wrong with him, honey.

She means here.

I know what she means! Don't you think I know what she means?

I know he's crazy! I know everything.

Do you wanna know what he won't let me touch?

"No, not there! I might get cancer."

Where?

Topanga, what if there actually is something wrong with him?

Oh, please. He's just doing this because he's afraid

I'm not gonna take care of him when he's 80.

He's just doing this to get attention.

He is?

Yes.

Well, why don't you just give it to him?

Because I'd rather give him attention for acting normal.

Oh, honey, we know that's never gonna happen.

You're right. It's not.

I married a nut, but aside from that,

there's absolutely nothing wrong with him.

Hello, everyone.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Here we are in hell.

I'm glad you're all here today.

Cory? Is there something wrong?

Well, as you all know, I just came from the doctor.

You have something?

Yes. I have something.

You all made fun of me,

but I have something, all right.

It's all right here.

Right here.

You're my wife.

Okay?

You have the right to know first.

What's it say?

He has hypochondria.

Chronic and severe hypochondria.

(VOICE BREAKING) That's right.

I'm a hypochondriac.

Cory, it means that there's nothing wrong with you.

It means you create stuff in your head.

Yes, well, he gave me these placebos.

Placebos are what they give to crazy people like you

to make them think they're being cured

of something they don't have!

Hey! I have to be on these for the rest of my life!

Okay, so, what's up for tonight?

SHAWN: Movie? ANGELA: Movie.

Cory?

(STAMMERING) I have a tummy ache. Ugh.

Wait up.

(DOOR CLOSING)

I don't care what that magazine said.

He's gonna outlive all of us!

But if he thinks that I'm gonna take care of him

for the rest of his life, he's nuts!

Of course he is.

That's why you married him.

Do you want a blanket?

Oh, that would be swell.

But not wool. Wool chafes my nippies.

Do you want me to make you some tea, then?

You know what I really want?

What?

I want you to come and sit next to me

and hold my hand until I fall asleep.

That's what you want?

Yeah.

I do.

(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

Is this what our life is gonna be like?

(WHISPERING) Could you talk softer? Just a little.

(WHISPERING) Is this what our life is gonna be like?

Well, sometimes you'll be sick and I'll take care of you.

That sounds nice.

I just want to know that we'll always take care of each other.

Do you feel better?

Well, isn't this better than going to the movies?

Yeah, it is.

Then I feel better.

Good.

But I'm gonna close my eyes now.

I think the placebos are kicking in.

Just think, last week,

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

And now, I know just what I should be.

And you helped me find out.

Is this what you really want to be, Eric?

Sure. You know, I mean, I hear Jack and Rachel talking all the time,

you know, doctor, lawyer, journalist, engineer.

Just... They all sound really confused.

(LAUGHS) Remember when you wanted to be a weatherman?

(LAUGHS) Yeah. That was crazy, huh?

Why?

Well, 'cause I could never be that.

Why not? Why couldn't you be a weatherman?

You really gotta be on the ball to be a weatherman.

I mean, you gotta know about meteorology and all that stuff.

Plus, I get really sad when people lose their homes in floods.

Would you rather work here for the rest of your life,

or would you rather be a weatherman?

I think I'd rather be a veterinarian.

What?

Yeah. I mean, I heard Rachel talking about it.

It sounded like something I'd want to do, too,

but I can't be that either, can I?

Well, if you could be anything you wanted to be,

what would you choose?

Either a veterinarian, so I could help animals,

or a weatherman, so I could warn people when there's a flood...

Or when there's sunshine.

That's crazy, huh?

No.

No, it's not crazy.

ERIC: Oh, great.

Now I sound as confused as these guys.

Yeah.

Yeah, you do.

So, you ready for dinner?

Oh, no. You know what? Not gonna be able to go.

Tomorrow's the start of the big ski season,

so we're having a big clearance sale.

I gotta help my dad. You guys are gonna have to go on without me.

BOTH: Okay. No!

Uh, no, I don't want you to go on without him.

You go with your friends.

But all the skis. I mean, we gotta...

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of the skis.

You sure you can do this without me?

I'm sure.

You be with your friends.

I belong here. You belong with your friends.

You sure?

I am. I am now.

Okay.

Hey, you know what? I think I've got it.

What about architecture?

Now that's something I think you'd be good at. Sweet.

RACHEL: I've decided to be a corporate art buyer.

Wow!

What is that?

I don't know.

(LAUGHS) I think I made it up.

Hi!

Hey, Ma! Hey, Joshie! Hey!

Pediatrician!

Me, too.

Me, too.

JACK: Well, then it's settled, then. RACHEL: Good!

ERIC: Good. JACK: Great.

All right. Let's go!

Let's go. Bye.

Bye. See you, baby brother.

He's a good kid, Amy. He'll be okay.

I'm scared for him. I'm scared for all of them.

Well, did you do your best for him?

I did.

Then he'll be okay.

He's your son.

He's our son.

He's our son out in the world.

You shelter him as long as you can, but then you gotta let him go.

That's what we do, hmm?

How about you, Joshie?

How are you doing?

(CHUCKLES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'll get it.

Are you the wife? Uh, Cory?

It's nice to meet you.

I'm Sammy Sosa.

Uncle Morrie! They let you out?

I'm in town three days to play against the Phillies.

But it's January.

I'm nuts. Didn't he tell you?

And you came all the way to see me?

Come here! Hey!

I heard you had the "hypo-chondo-ria." Yeah.

Can I make you some tea, Uncle Morrie?

Who?

(STAMMERING) Uncle Sammy Sosa.

No tea.

Tea makes me sleepy.

You see, I gotta keep wide awake

so I can catch that bum, McGwire.

Nearly forgot. Sit down!

I brought you an autographed baseball

from all of the boys at Sunnyvale.

Oh! Look at this. Yeah.

"Ken Griffey Jr., Orel Hershiser..." Yup.

"...Princess Margaret, Patsy Cline,

"Dagwood Bumstead, Rin Tin Tin,

"Catherine Zeta-Jones"!

What's she like? (LAUGHS)

I'll tell you later in the spaceship.

Ah! There's the rest of my outfield.

Wait, wait, wait!

You forgot him.

Bye, honey. Bye.

I love you.

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