Original subtitles

Are you gonna pour peanuts down your throat the whole way?

I think we both know the answer to that question.

I'm so excited we're doing this.

We always say that we wanna be the kind of people

that just jump in a car and go to Vermont for the weekend.

Well, now we're those people.

Yup.

Who knows where this could lead?

Ooh, we could become spring ski people.

We're gonna be fun.

Grace, that's the ex... you missed the exit.

Grace, that was the exit. What are... Grace?

Here's the thing. There's no Vermont.

There's no skiing. We're going to Schenectady.

Schenectady?

But that's where your family lives.

We are going there to celebrate my mom's birthday.

It was her dying wish.

I thought her dying wish was for you to get breast implants.

She had a lot of dying wishes.

So, we are going to sing happy birthday

with my emotionally distant dad and my horrible sisters

and it's gonna be awful and I need you there

to have my back and agree with everything I say.

It's your one job.

All right.

That's the way it has to be.

You're not going anywhere, Lady Bird.

[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC]

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

- Hi, Daddy. - Shh, shh, shh.

Jordan Spieth is putting.

You can't talk while they're putting.

They can't hear us.

You see, he missed! You see what you did?

Hi, Grace. Hi, Will.

- Hey, Martin. - Hi.

Joyce and Janet here?

Yeah, they're already mad at you.

- Why? - Who knows with those two?

Come on, Will.

Will doesn't wanna deal with those yentas. Will.

Come here, watch golf with me.

It's the Phoenix Waste Management Open.

So many good choices.

It's okay, Will.

Uh-uh, that's Bobbi's chair.

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

My dad always wanted me to watch golf with him.

Took me out a few times.

Yeah? What's your handicap?

That I hate golf.

[LAUGHS]

You're funny, you know? I forgot that, you're funny.

[CHUCKLES] Wanna hear a funny story?

We were on the first tee...

That doesn't mean I want a monologue.

♪ ♪

Come on, keep it moving, keep it moving.

Keep it... there's nothing to see here, all right?

Just a piano pushed from a rooftop

onto a man dressed like a robot.

That is all.

Come on, keep it moving.

- Hi, lover! - Hi.

I hate to bother you while you're working but...

ooh, a piano.

- Oh, Jack, no, uh... - Oh, my God.

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

[CHOPIN'S "FUNERAL MARCH" PLAYING]

Did someone kill a robot?

It was a street performer.

Painted himself silver. When you gave him money,

he did, like, a little robot dance.

Oh, you mean like this?

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[LAUGHS] Yes, yes!

He just did that.

[LAUGHS]

- Hey, show some respect! - This is a crime scene!

Show some respect!

Please, this is a crime scene.

Sometimes.

Drew... [EXHALES]

I wanna talk to you about something.

God, I'm so nervous.

You know Karen, and you know how I feel about her.

- Mm-hmm. - Well,

she's having a big romantic weekend

at a hotel with her husband, Stan.

All of a sudden, it hit me.

My favorite gal in the whole world

has been with the same man for 100 years,

and it's still so exciting and romantic,

and occasionally degrading.

And I thought, that's what I want too.

I don't need to be afraid of monogamy anymore.

If she could be happy with one giant walrus

for the rest of her life,

I can be happy with my little piggy.

[MIMICS PIG SNORTING]

Drew, I love you.

Would you move in with me?

[LAUGHS SOFTLY] Uh...

Listen, uh, Jack.

I care about you a lot.

You know that, but,

I just... I'm not ready.

In fact, I was thinking that, um,

maybe we should see other people.

Other people?

What do you mean?

I just came out, you know?

You were my first.

And it was amazing, but I just, I don't know,

I think I need to get out there and experience life

as a gay guy before I settle down.

No, you don't.

If you add how many guys you've been with

and how many guys I've been with,

and divide it by two, we have both been with way,

way, way more than enough guys

to know that this is what we want.

I don't think it's what I want.

I can't believe this.

[SIGHS]

Nobody has been as crushed as I am right now.

No offense.

Well...

I'm not gonna cry.

- I'm not gonna... - [PIANO CREAKS]

Give you the satisfaction of seeing me, uh...

[GASPS]

Why?

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

Anything else for you or Mr. Walker?

No, thank you, Smitty.

He'll be in the bathroom for a while.

He's using what he calls the bidet,

and we call the bathtub.

Smitty, have you always had that limp?

I didn't realize that you were handica...

Oh. Ho-ho.

Uh-uh, no, no, no, no.

Almost said it.

Differently gimpy.

When I was a boy, I danced on the street for money,

and people would cheer.

So loud,

I didn't hear the street car coming.

Sheared the leg clean off.

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

[LAUGHING] Oh, Smitty.

How you haven't had your own Netflix special yet

is beyond me.

Okay, darling, you can come out now.

It's funny...

I know your face so well and yet,

I feel as if I'm about to see it for the very first time.

I thought he'd never leave.

♪ ♪

All right, fold your arms in.

Now, bend over.

Shouldn't you buy me dinner first?

I don't do those kind of jokes.

Okay.

He is still so hot.

And still so gay.

Well, maybe he just needs to spend time

with a desirable woman, Smudge.

Don't call me Smudge.

Why? It's better than Skidmark.

I sat on a Hershey bar.

- [LAUGHS] - Yeah,

right after you crapped yourself.

I did not!

Okay, look, look, can we please just

all get along tonight for one night?

Like, we're here to celebrate Mom's birthday.

That's not the only reason you're here.

We're gonna get Daddy to sell the house.

What? No, I love this house.

That's because you're not the one taking care of it,

or him. Do you know why I drink?

'Cause you're an alcoholic.

And look, I need the listing.

I've had my real estate license for a year,

and it's just, like, not going so great.

She hasn't sold one house.

She screams at the buyers.

Oh, so it's my fault that

everyone in Schenectady is an a-hole?

No, no.

Look, I don't want other people living here.

I mean, remember that time we came back from vacation

and found that drifter staying here?

That drifter was kinda hot.

Selling this house is like selling our childhood.

It is not gonna happen. I am putting my foot down.

Who cares about you and your big feet?

It's two against one,

and you're telling him tonight at dinner.

Me? Why?

Because you're the favorite.

[SCOFFS] He never says anything nice to me.

Uh, he actively says un-nice stuff to us.

He calls me Pancake,

'cause "The first one is always a mistake."

If you don't do it, remember,

we've got secrets on you.

I've got secrets on you too.

Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

My God, I've never had a woman

- make me feel that way before. - Hmm.

And I was once the filling in a

Katarina Witt-Angela Merkel strudel.

Ah, German,

the language of love.

Ready for round zwei?

Get over here, Frau Beaverhausen.

- [PERSISTENT KNOCKING] - Karen!

Karen! Let me in!

Honey, it's Jack. Quick, hide in the bathroom.

Not to worry, I always match my pajamas

to the hotel drapes for situations like this.

It's a little trick I picked up from my homey, Comey.

Malcolm,

do you really think you can camouflage yourself with...

Malcolm?

- I'm right here. - Oh.

Uncanny.

Ah, you really do blend into the...

Malcolm?

- [KNOCKING] - Karen!

Uh, coming, Jackie.

Hi, Poodle, what is it? Not a great time.

I asked Drew to move in with me,

and then he broke up with me.

Oh no, that's terrible, bye.

- No, no, no. - Ooh.

- Okay. - I can't be alone right now.

[GASPING] I don't know what to do.

I hid a key inside my body and he broke my heart

right as I was about to poop the question.

I'm falling apart, Karen.

There's more air outside. Why don't you go there?

No, I wanna open a window.

[SHRIEKS] No!

I got a city view instead of a park view.

I'm so ashamed.

I don't care about the view.

Oh, gross, that is a city view.

Wait a minute.

Was that Yoko Ono?

Oh, it's just a beret stuck in a tree.

Hang on... [SNIFFS]

What's that smell?

It's a combination of Irish whiskey, man sweat,

and American Crew high shine, high hold grooming cream.

And I'm allergic to American Crew high shine,

high hold grooming cream.

[SNEEZES]

Gesundheit.

Malcolm!

I'm too polite.

Damn those nuns at Loyola.

[MELLOW PIANO MUSIC]

You know, about the house...

Your dad's got a lot of life left to live.

Are you sure it wouldn't be better if he just moved on?

Not only am I sure of it, but you're sure of it too,

because that's why you're here, to take my side no matter what.

I'm Khaleesi and you're one of those soldiers with no balls.

That is disturbingly accurate.

Hello, Will.

Oh, hi, Joyce.

Wow, you're tan.

Like Moana.

But thin, like Pocahontas.

I wish I could fly away like Aladdin.

Well, you've never had a friend like me.

I wonder, is this corn beef or pastrami?

Oh...

[MOANING]

[MUFFLED] What are we doing?

[MUFFLED] I'm not doing anything.

[COUGHS] Let's start this thing, all right?

Everyone put on your party hats.

Your mother asked me to...

[COUGHING]

Your mother asked me to read this on her birthday.

"Hi, everybody, I'm Bobbi Adler.

"Why is my voice coming out of an old man

"wearing that sweater I don't like?

"Because I'm dead and couldn't tell him

"to change before dinner.

"But I joke. That's what I do...

"Or did.

"Thank you for coming to what would've been

my 55th birthday."

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Fifty-five.

"Grace, no cracks about my age.

"Janet, stop slouching.

And Joyce, would it kill you to put on a bra?"

Oy.

"I am proud that we have always had

such a warm and loving house."

Speaking of the house,

Smudge has something to say.

Yeah, get up, Smudge, and say it.

I do have something to say.

Daddy, this is a wonderful way to celebrate Mom.

And I am looking forward to doing this every year

in this house. End of discussion.

- Back to the letter. - Okay, we warned you.

Grace slept with Vice Principal Gordon.

- Ew. - I was 22.

I played poker with that man.

He's eaten in this house.

Not just in the kitchen.

Oh, my God.

Grace smoked pot at my bat mitzvah.

- Janet sold it to me. - [GASPS]

Grace doesn't fast on Yom Kippur.

- Neither does Janet. - Neither does Joyce.

Will and I are having an affair!

No, we're not.

Janet kissed the drifter.

That drifter had a name!

[HAND SLAMS] And it was Jebediah.

All right, we're not gonna... enough already, all right?

Everyone sit down here.

Let's go on with your dead mother's birthday.

- Sorry, Daddy. - Yes, Daddy.

- Grace started it. - Oh, my God.

Now I got floaters. I can't...

Will, get up and read this.

Uh...

"I am proud that we have always had

"such a warm and loving house.

"Even Vice Principal Gordon would say

"how much he loved coming here.

"Martin, you know how I feel about you,

"and, girls, I love you more than I can ever express

"in my own words.

"So instead, I'll use those of the song I sang

"at all of your birthday parties.

"You won't do it as well as me,

but, darlings, who could?"

[SOFT LAUGH]

WOMEN: ♪ All I do is dream of you ♪

♪ The whole night through ♪

♪ With the dawn I still go on ♪

♪ Dreaming of you ♪

♪ You're every thought you're everything ♪

♪ You're every song I ever sing ♪

♪ Summer, winter ♪

♪ Autumn and spring ♪

I miss her so much.

Me too.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry? What are you talking about?

Daddy, we got into a fight.

Um...

Joyce and Janet want you to sell the house,

but I don't want you to,

and... and Will agrees with me.

Right, Will?

[SNIFFS]

Um...

Well, on, you know, on one hand,

there's Grace, and... and, uh,

on the other hand, there's you.

And on the other hand, there's them.

That's three hands.

You can't have three hands.

Will, just say you agree with me.

Martin, you hate it here. You told me so.

And I don't think it would be such a bad idea

for you to get on with your life.

Get on with my life?

I have no life.

She was my life, and now you've ruined her birthday.

You had one job.

Hey, Will.

Looks like somebody could use a hug.

Come on.

Sure.

I could give you one job.

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC]

First Drew dumps me,

and now I find out you're cheating on Stan?

I'm so disillusioned.

Poodle, it's complicated.

Jack, have you ever seen the movie, "Same Time, Next Year"?

I have a VHS copy of "Same Time, Next Rear."

Well, I'm guessing they're very similar.

Every day a man wakes up and relives the exact same

sexual escapade over and over again?

No, that sounds like the plot of "Groundhog Day."

I have a copy of "Poundhog Day."

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

But that's about a couple who meets

on the same weekend every year for sex.

Oh wait, is that what this is?

- Jack, I can expla... - Karen,

you and Stan have always been the example of true love to me.

Jackie, I do love Stan.

But marriage is complicated,

and long marriages are even more complicated.

Does Stan know about this?

No, honey, but believe me,

he reaps the benefits when I come back to him.

You don't have to explain, Karen, I...

I was naive to think that

there was such a thing as happily ever after.

I think it's time I stop being so childish

and grow up.

The blue is lava, so you can't touch it.

When you get to the door,

you're safe.

We've gotta grow up too, Karen.

What we're doing is wrong.

You've got to leave Stan and be with me.

Darling, you know I can't do that.

If you love me as much as I love you, you could.

You've gotta decide... me or Stan.

Take all the time you need.

Just pretend I'm not here.

Malcolm, that's ridiculous.

How can I pretend you're not here

when you're standing right ne...

Malcolm?

I can't talk to you yet.

- Okay. - Get back here.

I could still yell at you.

How could you?

You totally betrayed me.

Do you know how many memories are in this house?

I mean, look where you're standing.

You're standing on the exact spot

where you told me you were gay and broke my heart.

Well, there were clues, Grace.

I mean, freshman year, I hosted

"Wednesday like Dynasty" parties.

But I'll... I'll move to a less triggering spot.

Oh, and now you are right where my mom held my hair

when I threw up after the prom.

And then she got grossed out and threw up,

and I had to hold her wig.

Uh, here?

That's where she told me that I could get VD

if I let a boy go up my sweater.

How about over here?

Oh.

My gosh, I mean, that's...

that's where my mother told my dad

that she was pregnant with Joyce.

And they were both so happy.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

My poor dad.

Have you not... I'm just thinking of him.

Are you, Grace? Or are you thinking about you?

'Cause as long as your dad is here,

you can imagine that your mom's with him

and nothing's changed.

You're so annoying.

Am I wrong?

No, that's what's annoying.

This is my one job.

[SIGHS]

He's right, Gracie.

What are we holding onto?

It's a house. It's not her.

I miss her.

We have to let her go.

Where will you live?

I'll figure it out.

So, Will, you gonna keep up with the golf?

I... no, I think I... I think I might.

Martin, look, today with you was...

Was great and I... I just, I kept thinking,

you know, my dad always wanted to watch golf with me,

and... and... why couldn't I just give him that?

You know? Why didn't I just say,

"Hey, come into the city and stay with me," you know?

"We'll play golf, we'll hang out."

I'll do it.

What? What?

Will's idea'll settle all our problems.

I'll move out,

I'll stay with you until I find my own place.

[LAUGHING] Oh, that wasn't my idea.

That, that...

This kid is so modest.

You okay with this, Grace?

Why wouldn't I be?

[SOFT LAUGH]

My father moving in with me...

it's like I'm dreaming.

Wake me up.

This is great. I'm gonna go pack.

What's the weather like there?

Eh, I'll bring a sweater.

Um, I-I didn't, I mean, I certainly wouldn't have...

[LAUGHS] You know what?

One day, we are gonna look back on this

and laugh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ ♪

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

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