Original subtitles

"Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live audience.

I'm just gonna say it.

I had a terrific morning at church.

I learned a lot.

Did you know that back in the day,

gay best friends were called apostles?

And, Grace, you'll be interested to know

Mary Magdalene is a derivative of the Latin word

"hag-dalene."

You're gonna hate Leviticus.

Hey, hey, hey, don't touch.

I'm having Vince over for breakfast.

Eyebrow raised.

It doesn't mean anything. We're just friends.

It always amazes me

how gay guys stay friends with all of their exes.

I'm not friends with any of mine.

Grace, romance is different for us.

A date between straight people sometimes leads to sex.

And sex between gay people

sometimes leads to a date.

Well put.

I'm not finished.

You do that a lot.

And sometimes a date leads to a serious relationship.

And sometimes said relationship leads to dumping Will.

In summation, Vince dumped Will,

and that is the gospel according to Jack.

"Gay-men."

He didn't dump me, okay? We just reached an impasse.

I wanted to move in, get married.

But Vince has commitment issues, so...

- So he dumped you, and... - He wasn't finished.

You do that a lot.

Oh, my God, he's here.

You've never looked worse.

I wish I had my hot rollers and another hour!

At least pinch your cheeks for color!

All right, all right.

We're just friends. It doesn't matter what I look...

Why is my head on Betsy DeVos' neck?

Hey!

Aw, crap, you're all here.

I only brought one of my famous homemade soaps.

- Oh. - I'm just kidding.

What am I, a monster?

Look, made from real shea butter.

- Mm. - I call it Shea Stadium.

It smells amazin'!

You know, 'cause the Mets?

Wrong crowd.

Uh, speaking of crowds...

Ah, yes. Come, Sister Hag-dalene.

Coming, Old Testicle.

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So Aunt Rita tells my mom

that's her lasagna pan, and my mom says,

"It's not yours, Rita.

I think I know what my lasagna pan looks like."

Right, 'cause Rita's is the one

with the cartoon lemons and vines on the side and...

and musical notes for some reason.

What? That makes perfect sense.

I guess sometimes things are so obvious, you can't see them.

So the reason I came over today,

- I have big news. - Yeah, first,

just a little... just do that.

- Here? - Nope, this side.

- Hmm? - You can't feel that?

God, that would drive me crazy.

What is that, butter or olive oil?

I don't know. I put both on my bread.

Both? Wow, that's...

that's not a piece of bread.

That's a cry for help.

How about you don't let it bother you so much

and let me tell you my story?

Oh. Go ahead.

Just... ew, sorry. There.

- You done? - Mm-hmm.

- Can I tell you my news? - You made detective.

- I did? - I don't know. Did you?

No, why, did you hear something?

- How would I hear something? - I don't know.

You just said I made detective.

I thought maybe you knew something.

How would I know something? What am I, a detective?

That's low, Will. You always gotta go bitchy.

I didn't...

What's your news?

I'm getting married.

Oh.

Ryan and I just decided it's time, you know?

Yeah, yeah, no, nine months is, uh...

He's not pregnant, is he?

I'm kidding. Look at you, jumping in.

- Ah, good for you, Vince. - Obviously, you're invited,

but you know you don't have to come.

Well, of course I'm coming.

I'm just saying, if it's gonna make you

feel weird or anything, don't feel obligated.

Don't be silly.

I'm thrilled that I'm coming to your wedding.

I want you to be happy.

All right, good.

So happy.

Can you pass the butter and the, uh, olive oil?

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Oh, hey, honey, I like what you're wearing.

Thanks, Kare.

This is just my daytime romp-him.

It's like a romper, but it's more masculine.

Say, Karen, have I missed my window

to ask why you got a monkey on your shoulder?

It's for my scavenger hunt.

A live monkey is worth 100 points.

A live Kardashian is only worth 80.

I'm so glad there's gonna be so many cops at Vince's wedding,

because there's an NYPD badge on the list.

I'm glad it's a gay wedding,

because I have anonymous daytime sex on my list.

I was just about to ask Will what to wear,

but is it bad luck to see the jilted lover

on the day of his ex's wedding?

Let's go to your apartment, put all your clothes

out on the bed, and whatever the monkey

doesn't throw his poop at, that's what you'll wear.

Ow.

Oh, crap.

Just made it curly.

You know, I've been up all night.

I've had six cups of coffee, a 5-hour ENERGY,

four Coke Zeros, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Sweetie, you seem a little manic.

Are you sure you want to go to this wedding?

'Cause Vince said you didn't have to.

What are you talking about? I've gotta go.

Happy to go. Vince's big day. Yay, Vince!

You know, I thought I would feel sorry for me,

but, I mean, actually, I feel sorry for Vince.

This guy he's marrying is a real snooze.

I was looking at his social media all morning.

I mean, first of all, he's a retweeter.

So not an original thought in his head.

And on Instagram, he's a food poster.

And not just, like, meals. I mean, like, snacks.

- What, wha... - Okay.

I know that something's wrong,

because you're over-plucking your eyebrows.

You look like an extra on "Orange Is the New Black."

- What about you, Curly Sue? - Ow!

Oh, thank you.

Look, am I surprised that Vince

got over his commitment-phobia

with a guy he's known for nine months?

Sure. And am I replaying

the last weeks of our relationship

for clues that I might have missed?

Yes. And does it make me wonder

the real reason for our breakup

if it wasn't his fear of commitment?

Well, of course!

Didn't I just have a coffee here?

It's in the cupboard, Gay Gardens.

- What was I saying? - You were telling a long lie

about how fine you are with Vince's wedding.

Look, I know that you want to know the real reason

for the breakup,

but there's no answer that's not gonna hurt you.

Well, that's just not true.

Okay, all right, what if he says

that it's because he no longer found you attractive

or interesting or fun to be around?

Why would he say that? Did he say that to you?

God, you know, I work so hard to stay in shape.

I never eat anything that I want.

You know, I read. I have good anecdotes.

And I am fun. Like, for instance,

whenever I see a dog, I'll say, "Hello, sir, what's your name?"

Please don't go to this wedding.

You're right. I hate that you're right.

I know you do, but trust me.

I'll cover for you. I already have the perfect excuse.

Just don't make it, like, vomiting or diarrhea.

I'll think of the perfect excuse.

Oh, my God, look at this.

If I had known there would be so many hot guys here,

I would have shaved from the knees up.

Or the chin down.

All these uniforms are throwing off my 'dar.

Like, is that guy standing like that

because of his nightstick?

Or his night stick?

Stay tuned.

Hi, Jared, put your wife on the phone.

Oh, hi, Vanky.

Listen, I want just you to know that I'm gonna win

that scavenger hunt this year.

And I mean actually win it, without help from the Russians.

Oh, loosen your sphincter, Jared.

I didn't know you were still on the line.

Love to the kids!

Ugh, I am so glad Will didn't come to the wedding.

It would have killed him to see Vince so happy.

Ryan seems like a really great guy.

Really? I do not see that.

Quick question, fellas.

What's your favorite TV show of all time?

- "The Wire." - "The Wire."

- "The Wire." - "This Is Us."

- Hi, I'm Jack. - Hi.

I told you not to come.

How many times do we have to have the fight

where we realize I'm always right

before you realize I'm always right?

We were together for five years.

I think he'd be hurt if I didn't show up.

Oh, please, you're here to hock him for answers

- about your breakup. - I'm not here to hock!

I would never hock. I'm not a hocker.

Look, I just... I need closure, Grace.

I need to find out why he broke up with me.

- You don't. - It's two minutes of his time.

What could possibly go wrong in two minutes?

Ask every girl who ever got pregnant at her prom.

- Great wedding. - Yeah.

- Want to fool around? - Yeah.

Ah, the thrill of the chase.

Guys, that ceremony was so moving.

I was a wreck.

I was full-on Claire Danes in "Homeland."

I don't get Showtime.

I mean, we have it. I just don't get it.

Hey, babe, you know what? We should check on your nana.

She's not doing too good. She's got her dentures

sitting next to her in an Arby's bag.

She thinks that's her going-out purse.

Will, I'm really glad you made it.

Ah, me too. Do you have two minutes?

There's just something I want to ask

- now that it's just us... - And me!

- Oh, God. - Move it out.

Hey, Vince, great party.

Can't wait to try the meatballs.

I just saw you eat, like, three off one toothpick.

- What are you, a detective? - No, I didn't make it.

Jeez, you gotta rub it in at my wedding?

Okay, pushing me off on Aunt Rita was a dick move,

but we are so going on a cruise.

I just wanted two minutes with the guy.

You know? "Why did we break up?

Oh, that's why, great. Now go marry the guy

who retweeted, 'I got the brunchies.'"

Well, that was fun.

I've copped a feel before, but I've never felt a cop.

Yeah, well, I've never been with a man before, so...

Oh.

- Oh, you're not kidding. - No.

Wow, I just thought you were really bad.

Which you were.

I've been wanting to do that for so long.

Well, proud to have been your first.

Have a long, gay life. Best of luck, emoji horseshoe,

steamboat, bon voyage.

I love you.

Aw, aren't you sweet, dear?

You're like a baby congressman who's just crawled out

from underneath his first men's room stall.

Let me explain. In the gay world,

what we just did was fun but meaningless.

Okay? A blip.

And now this blip needs to bloop.

I love when you say words that aren't words.

- Okay, listen, Mary... - Oh, yes. Oh, my God.

It's happening. I've always wanted a guy to call me Mary.

- Officer Drew. - Yeah?

You're a delightful, muscly rocket ship.

You're what my friend Will and I would call a spinner.

But you and I are never gonna happen, okay?

And you need to absorb that, like, right now.

So breathe it in.

Do it.

And then we say...

I love you. I love you so much.

I don't get it.

Who would take my nana's dentures

out of an Arby's bag?

I have a hunch.

You're gonna win this scavenger hunt.

Now all you need is a cop badge.

So you're a detective, huh?

Well, you must be good at solving

all sorts of difficult cases,

like murder or how a guy can have a fantastic boyfriend

and not want to make a commitment

but then meet another guy, who I guess is great...

I mean, I'm still not seeing it...

and have no problem making a commitment.

I got a wife, lamb chop.

Hey, it's Jack, Will's funny friend.

It's me, Angela, Vince's funny cousin.

Oh, right. Yeah, I remember you.

You do all those "SNL" bits.

"I live in a van down by the river."

Have you met my husband? Babe, come here.

Yeah, what's up, babe?

I think there was a tiny claw in that.

I thought I saw you guys talking earlier.

Do you know each other?

Uh...

- I don't think so... - I don't know if it was the...

Oh, you know what it was?

That's what it was, yeah.

I have been begging him to make more male friends.

Here's a crazy idea. We reserved a cabin

in the Poconos. I can't go

because I still have the inner ear thing.

Why don't you guys go and make a boys' weekend out of it?

- Oh... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- I think it's a great idea. - I don't think that's...

- I already have the cabin. - I actually have a...

We can take my squad car up there, and you know what?

- I love the Poconos. - I hate the Poconos.

But, you know, I would love to go.

But my wife, um...

she doesn't like me to go anywhere without her.

Isn't that right, honey?

I don't care what you do.

Then it's a date... for two wild and crazy guys!

Hey, Will, Will, come take a picture with us.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, did you see the, uh, two gay guys cake topper?

- Yeah. - Yeah, we had to buy

two straight couples and break them apart.

So if you know any lesbians getting married,

tell them we got a cake topper.

Vince, chin up a little bit.

That's too much. You look like a Pez dispenser.

Okay, can we just take the picture?

Sure. Oh, can we get the, uh...

sorry, can we get the salad dressing off the table?

- What for? - Well, so when you look

at your wedding pictures, you're not staring

at a tacky gravy boat of green goddess.

You're a tacky gravy boat of green goddess!

See, this is why I didn't want him to come.

Hey, baby, it's okay. He didn't mean it.

No, I think he meant it.

Why didn't you want me to come, Vince?

'Cause I knew you would do this.

Do what, try to make your wedding photos look good?

No, pick! Man, you pick at everything.

The way I sit, the way I chew,

the way I say "Verranzano Bridge."

- There's no N in the middle. - And I like green goddess.

Oh, it's a stupid, ridiculous salad dressing.

Why is it green? There's no avocado in it.

It's green onions!

Or as adults like to say, scallions!

- See, this is why we broke up. - Aha, aha, ah.

The mystery's about to be solved.

See, I thought you broke up with me

because you weren't ready to make a commitment.

But clearly, it's something wrong with me.

You thought there was always something wrong with me.

Always picking and criticizing, like you were better than me,

like I embarrassed you.

You want to know why I dumped you, Will?

Because you didn't like me.

So, Ryan, I love your husband.

And it's not because I had to go

for mandatory sensitivity training

for drawing on his locker.

What's wrong with me?

Why would I sabotage a relationship that was as good

as the one I had with Vince?

I now know that words can hurt.

And so can a cartoon of a rectum

with a rainbow flag coming out of it.

I feel so bad for Will.

But why doesn't he listen to me?

I'm always right.

I'm such a good friend.

I wish I was my friend.

Cheers, queers.

And I can say that,

because it's all about tone and intention.

Do I have the power

to turn straight men gay?

And why didn't that work in high school?

Down one point to Ivanka frickin' Drumpf.

If I could just get a cop badge,

I could win that 40 bucks.

- You okay? You want to go home? - Not yet.

Excuse me?

I'd like to make a toast.

Vince, you found someone who loves you

for exactly who you are.

Wish I could have done that, but instead I picked on you.

Everything. Your beard grew too fast.

You chewed gum like an alpaca.

All that jaw movement...

My God, it's like a disease.

I didn't deserve you.

Maybe I don't deserve anybody

'cause I'm a sad, tragic, lonely man.

Good health, long life.

Guys, I'd like to make a toast.

Will, you are being way too hard on yourself.

Of course you're a little controlling,

but it's only because you want to

bring out the best in people.

No one is more deserving of love than you.

Vince and Ryan, you too.

No, no, no, thank you, Grace,

but I am awful, and I have to own that.

Again, all the happiness in the world.

If you are so awful,

why did Vince stay with you for five years?

Mazel tov.

I don't know. I don't know.

'Cause I can cook, and I'm really good in bed.

All... all... all love, all love.

- I'd like to make a toast. - Thank God.

Will, I'm sorry about all that stuff I said before.

Grace is right. There was a lot of love in our relationship.

That doesn't diminish what we have.

And to tell the truth, I'll always think of you

as the one that got away.

You're the one that didn't get away.

Why am I working so hard? You got, like, three exes here.

You see? He loved you.

- Everyone loves you. - You're a good friend.

I am.

I really am.

I'm sorry, does anyone have a real toast?

I do.

There is a cop in this room

who has just had his first gay experience.

He is feeling confused and thinks he's in love.

Not you!

But this proves my point.

There's plenty of men out there.

There's too much fun to be had.

Never, never, never fall in love.

It won't work.

To the two of you, God bless.

Okay, that's our cue. DJ, hit it.

Honey, hi, quick question.

Is it illegal if you cut blow with aspirin?

- It's still cocaine, ma'am. - Mm, all right.

Well, hope nobody asks to borrow an aspirin from me.

You feel me?

- Will you excuse me, ma'am? - Oh, yeah.

Suck it, Ivanka!

Did you just steal a badge from a cop?

Did you just eat an entire tray of sliders?

I'll keep your secret if you keep mine.

Will, I need to talk to you. I'm freaking out.

Tell me I'm not making a mistake with Ryan.

It's what you do, Will.

You always tell me when I do something wrong.

- You didn't make a mistake. - Yeah, but are you sure?

I mean, I thought he was

the "Godfather II" to my "Godfather I,"

but what if we're actually "Godfather III"?

You think you're gonna see Bobby Duvall,

and boom, they hit you with George Hamilton.

Vince, you're spinning. That's what you do.

If you of all people can make a commitment after nine months,

Ryan must be pretty special.

He is. And I know that.

I think I just needed to hear you say it, so thanks.

Of course.

- Congratulations. - Thanks.

- You know, what we had was good. - Yeah, it was.

And I know I didn't have the guts

to make this marriage thing work with you,

but for what it's worth...

I'll always think of you as my ex-husband.

Me too.

- Shh, shh. Quiet, quiet, quiet. - Wait, are we alone?

Police!

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