All language subtitles for smilf.s01e03.web.h264-convoy

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I survived.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

Cut.

Fly in Wardrobe.

Oh, hi.

Hey, uh, you forgot to put these in.

Oh, no, no, no, I didn't forget.

I just didn't think they were important.

Uh, they're important.

Whoo, hot tray, hot tray!

Ooh, cold spray!

All right, quiet, everyone.

And cue water.

I'm the cue water?

Yes, cue... yes, cue the water.

I turn it on?

Cue it, yes.

Oh, okay.

Cue water. Kind of cue it hard.

- P-pull it out hard.
- Oh, pull it out?

- Or is it a push?
- I don't know.

It's not a push.

Get ready for some Tums.

Shit, that burns my gums. Ahh.

Throw your head from side
to side 'cause, you know,

you're-you're remembering the war.

Yeah, no, it's-it's okay if
the bathing suit falls down.

Just kind of go with it.

Now kind of o-open your
lips a little bit, yeah.

And kind of lick your
lips. Yeah, that's great.

But keep crying, because every
day is a living nightmare.

And kind of, you know, whip your hair

from side to side.

Shake off that PTSD.

- How was practice today, Ty?
- It was good.

Coach have you lined up in the slot again,

or will you back out wide?

You're gonna have to watch me on Sunday.

FriendOfFatty6969 wants me

to finish off this ice cream,

and you know how much Mama

loves ice cream.

Is it safe to say your
move to slot receiver

is a new phase of your career?

What, you're, like, an
expert on slot receiver, huh?

Excuse me?

No, it's just funny hearing
a female talk like that.

I...

Ohh, so good, mm.

Where's the accent from?

Australia.

Oh, like that chick from
Suicide Squad?

What's her name again?

Margot Robbie.

She's almost as tight as you.

You have a good one, all right?

And you heard it here first.

Uh, this is Nelson Rose reporting on NECS.

Look at the camera and kind of, you know,

get-get mad at the camera.

Like the camera is PTSD
and you're gonna give it

that "fuck you" look, you know?

"I don't need you, PTSD."

Yes, cut!

Whoo! We got it. Great work.

Thanks for the job opportunity.

Oh, no, thank you.

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
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What? Twenty-eight bucks?

Man, I took a shower for you guys.

Motherfucker.

I do love sushi.

Bridgette, please.

Fuck.

I know you're home. I just texted you.

Please open the door.
I need the rent.

You know I have keys. I
can open the door myself.

- You can't do that!
- See? Bridgette?

You can't do that.

Why are you going to lie to me?

Please, I just...

You have to pay the rent, please.

I would let you in, but
Larry just fell asleep.

That's okay. I don't have to come in.

I need the rent.

George...

It's important, I know.

You wanna get high?

Yes, very much.

- Come on.
- Okay.

- Come on.
- Thank you.

- I can't thank you enough.
- No, it's okay.

I keep it around just for guests.

Things have been very
different at my house.

My-my father has been very angry,

and this morning, I was asleep,

and he beat me awake.

What do you mean?

- I mean I was sleeping...
- Yeah.

And then he come in and...

he beat me until my eyes open.

- Man...
- I cannot.

That's such bad news.

Well, it was so good to
hang out with you. Um...

- Bridgette.
- What?

Listen to me, my father is not

going to let you live here

if you don't pay him rent.

George, but we're smoking buddies.

You can't kick out your smoking buddy.

- It's not because I need it.
- Yeah.

My dad is downstairs.

Your dad is downstairs?

He drove me here, and
he's waiting in the car.

George, why didn't you tell me that?

Because... what do you want me to do? I...

Wait.

- Okay. Bye.
- What'd he say?

He said... I have to go, okay?

Tomorrow, all the rent, please.

- Please.
- Fine.

- I'm taking the weed.
- What? No.

No, then take it off the rent.

You gotta take it off the rent.

Oh!

I'll just do that again.

Um, actually, you know what?

I must've forgot to
add money on this month.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Excuse me.

Can I... you just... Can
I, just this one time?

I just paid my rent.

Come on.

I'm a single mom.

I am too.

You are? How old's your kid?

- Bye.
- Oh, bye? Okay, cool.

Thanks a lot. Um...

safe driving out there.

Hope you don't, uh, get in any accidents.

Thanks.

Okay, bye.

Thank you.

Fuck.

I found it.

Yeah, good.

Doc's got me doing these Sudoku things

to keep my brain sharp.

Fuck if I could do it
before I had the stroke.

I damn sure can't do it now.

Sorry, Joe.

Yeah, Ma keeps that cellar a fucking mess.

Where is she?

She's with, uh, Hildie, who's a wreck.

Why?

She caught Paul trying to sell himself

as a sugar daddy on Craigslist.

Paul is trying to pay girls

to hang out with him?

I don't know.

He has no money.

Maybe he's paying 'em with sugar

or candy or... I don't know.

Oh!

It is in here.

- Look.
- What is it?

It's a signed USA Dream Team

jersey by Jennifer Azzi.

Oh, my God, I used to
write herthese letters

like, asking her how to become
a professional basketball player.

So what are you gonna do with it?

I have to sell it.

No, don't do that.

Hey, well, there's that temp agency, uh,

Career Man, up the street.

I can't work full-time, you know?

'Cause of Larry.

Oh, right.

I could introduce you to Paul.

Paul can't afford me.

Hey, he can't afford me.

Yeah, you know, don't listen to me.

I-I shit in a bag. What do I know?

What exactly are you looking for?

Anything, really.

You know, it's time for me to get serious,

so hopefully this temp thing
will turn into full-time.

That sounds great. I have an opening

at ACM Collections in Hingham.

In Hingham?

Ooh, that's, like, 16 buses away.

That's okay.

Hours are ten to five,

just making calls, really.

$11 an hour.

Oh, um, okay.

Can I bring my son?

Uh, no.

Yeah.

Absolutely not.

Uh, moving on, do you have

any special skills?

Yes.

Basketball.

Or, um, I also, uh, can
do homework for rich kids.

You know, I think I might
actually have an opening in...

yep, prostitution.

As in, um, prostitution?

It's actually perfect for
you. You make your own hours.

Pay is great. It's recession-proof.

Hmm.

I don't know, do you have, like, uh,

something, like, prostitution adjacent?

You get to call the
shots, be your own woman

and all that good stuff.

There's a risk factor,

but some people find that thrilling,

and with your history of
sexual abuse and food issues,

I mean, you really do
make the perfect candidate.

I have never told anyone this.

But, Dan, I trust you.

I do have this fantasy

of people lining up to worship my pussy.

You, you're next.

Thank you.

Okay, come on.

So here's that contact number

for the collections agency.

Oh, uh, okay, great.

Uh, thank you. I will think about this.

It was my pleasure.

I actually have someone

coming in right after you.

Okay.

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- See you next time.
- All right.

Bend it like that.

Yeah, like half of a heart.

And then this hand.

I love you.

Can I just say, I'm so proud of us.

One big modern family.

You're the glue, babe.

And look, I'm just the roommate,

but you guys make me feel
like I'm Larry's sister,

so thank you for including me.

That would make you my daughter.

Sure, okay, yeah, role play.

Man, thanks for buying
all this food, Nelson.

Of course.

Money be tight, yo.

How long have you guys been roommates?

Couple of months.

Things got a bit tight,

so I had to Airbnb my place.

You Airbnb-ed your place?

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, we should do that.

You can't couch surf with Larry.

Well, it wouldn't be couch surfing

if I moved in here with my new mates.

Just kidding.

No one would want my shitty place anyway.

You have a really nice house, Nelson.

It is amazing, right?

Well, maybe when Rafi

gets better, he can move in.

You can't really get better from addiction.

Well, not with that attitude, you can't.

It's just... it's not
really the way it works.

Bridge, don't be a bitch.

But he's got so much going on.

I mean, he's got his nut beer.

Yeah, B, and when that blows up,

I'm buying you and Larry your own house.

You're such an entrepreneur, baby.

Sometimes I feel like I'm dating Jay-Z,

which is kind of insane

because Beyoncé's all
over my vision board.

- Mm-hmm.
- Your vision board?

- You need one.
- Mm-hmm.

Everything amazing in my life

I manifested through visualization.

- Really?
- Yeah,

she's pretty much a life-size
vision board now, so...

- Yeah.
- Mm.

Seriously, before I became a
part of the creative process,

my life was just...

- Bleh.
- It was awful.

I find that hard to believe.

Well, uh, believe it.

She was, uh, stuck in Sydney
taking tours at the zoo

wearing cargo pants and a turtleneck.

It was awful. I ballooned up to 100 pounds.

But seriously, nothing
in my life was amazing.

I was so miserable.

I had zero dollars in my account, I mean...

- Oh, wait, show her the, um...
- Oh, my God, yes.

- You know, the... yes.
- Oh, my God.

- Here, do you have it?
- Okay, so this...

I mean, they got my name wrong,

but I got so many
Instagram followers from it.

And you think that's from visualization?

Look, I was turning
a negative into a positive.

If you believe there's money,

it will come to you.

Really?

- Just try it.
- Just try it.

I mean, it's not gonna kill you.

- No.
- Or will it?

No, it definitely won't.

- No, it won't.
- But really, I mean,

you won't have to, you
know, depend on Rafi so much.

I mean, it'll be really liberating.

Honestly, I've got... ooh. I know.

You can use the back of this one.

This is from, uh, 2015.

It's actually very,
very powerful, this one.

Everything came true.

Obama?

Yeah, I envisioned Rafi
a little bit too early.

Rafi's Obama.

- We know.
- So I can use this?

You can totally use it.
Use the back, that's...

I mean, it's double sided for a reason.

I'm gonna need some magazines.

- Oh. We have abundance.
- Okay.

- And some tape.
- Oh, yeah, yep.

Probably scissors.

I'm gonna need a dream too.

Ugh.

Can you move over?

This is my side.

Come on.

I don't wanna stay at Gigi's, though.

Where should we stay?

In here.

That's what I think too.

Would it be okay if we stayed here

just for, like, a couple days

or a week or a couple weeks?

- Of course.
- Six months?

Yeah, of course, if you wanna

deal with Regina's crazy ass for that long.

I don't really have a choice, you know?

We're so broke.

It's broke?

Yeah, I gotta sell all
my prized possessions.

Why?

What possessions do you have?

Besides Larry?

A Jennifer Azzi jersey.

Oh, no, you're not selling that. Uh-uh.

- I don't have a choice.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I can loan it to you.

No, I'm not taking your money.

I have the money.

I can definitely loan it to you

or give it to you

'cause you can't pay me back.

Here.

Where'd you get all that?

No, we're not taking her money.

I started an online business.

What kind of shady shit are you up to?

It's not shady.

It's actually kind of
brilliant. I'm gonna show you.

This is why you've been acting so weird.

Do you wanna see it?

Ouch, ouch.

Mama's making money, honey.

- Whoa, you look beautiful.
- Thank you.

CreamedPants4U,

he wants me to get so fat

that I can't leave my room.

What are you doing?

I'm an eater.

No overhead. I am the product.

It's, like, the best business model.

I'm making, like, $600,
$700 in eight hours.

It's crazy, insane.

- You make that much money...
- Yes.

To have guys watch you eat?

Men pay to watch me eat.

And that's it?

Then they jerk off, yes.

- And there's no weird sex stuff?
- Hell, no.

I wanna do it. Can I do it?

Uh, well, we gotta find your audience.

People are not gonna
wanna pay to watch you eat.

There's plenty of other sexy shit

you could be doing to get guys to jerk off.

Like what?

Okay, so just bounce
but, like, bounce, rotate.

Make it sexy.

I'm trying to pop it. It won't pop.

I think something is
wrong with these balloons.

Just keep bouncing, and make it sexy.

- Okay.
- Don't be so aggressive.

- There you go, yeah.
- How's that?

Yeah, that's cute, yeah. That's gonna pop.

- It won't pop.
- So what? You look hot.

Yeah.

It's not popping.

It's not popping.

Wait, I pop it.

It's not popping.

I know, see? It's too hard.

I don't know.

Mom, it's not popping.

I think I gotta find something else to do.

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Oh, hey, Sasha!

I have the... I have your money.

Hi.

You weren't expecting a schlub, huh?

No, no, you look just like your picture.

Here's the money.

Okay. Thank you.

Hey, you're prettier than you know.

What?

And I'll give you $300
more to go get a soda.

Hot dog.

Oh, thanks. I actually don't eat meat.

Oh. There you go.

Thanks.

So, um, do you live, uh...

do you live nearby?

Uh, yeah, I live in Southie.

Mm.

You go to the Saint Paddy's Day parade?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I went there every
year, you know, since college

until-until I got married and
moved out to the burbs and...

Well, where do you live now?

- It's okay, you don't have to...
- We live in Canton.

Oh.

I went to high school near there.

Oh.

Yeah, I, um... I love it over there.

- Those blue hill trails.
- It's gorgeous.

I know, it's... You're lucky.

It's the best part of Boston.

Where'd you go to high school?

Uh, Milton Hall.

Oh, my God.

What?

What?

That's where my daughter goes.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Cool. Hmm.

What year is she?

She's a sophomore.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

You have to tell her to take Mr. Hilgendorf

for U.S. History next year.

You have to tell her.

Okay.

It'll blow the fuck open her mind.

- Will do.
- Okay.

He does this thing where he makes you buy

a regular, like, public school textbook,

and then you take it to
the track, and you burn it.

That sounds a little dangerous.

No, it's amazing.

He monitors it. It's very safe.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, yeah, oh, my God.

And then he only teaches out
of A People's History.

Okay, wow.

Yeah.

- Howard Zinn?
- Howard Zinn.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Man, that book changed my life.

Amazing, Mr. Zeckendorf.

- Hilgendorf.
- Hilgendorf.

- Yeah.
- I'll tell her.

Yeah, my mom, she went to the headmaster

and complained that he
was teaching us to be

un-American.

She's crazy.

I think all of her friends
died in Vietnam or something.

Well, she sounds like a patriot.

I like it.

Really?

It's the land of the free.

You're rich, or you're stuck.

This is... the master of your own destiny.

It's America.

You sound like every teenage boy

I've ever written a college
application essay for.

- I do?
- Yeah.

Why?

Just, like, this romantic idea

of America that does not exist.

I mean, not for everyone.

Well, you have me there.

Why?

I wrote my thesis on "Thunder Road."

You did? See?

I wrote it myself.

Got you.

Yeah, you know, get into your Mustang

with a pretty enough girl

and ride off into the promised land.

It's a nice thought.

I'd like to believe that.

Or I'd like to believe in that.

But I don't know.

Yeah.

America's lost some of her
beauty, that's for sure.

We're just one giant strip mall.

Everybody's fat.

I've never answered an ad like this before.

I've never written an ad like this before.

I mean, I have, but only

to avoid dealing with my marriage.

I think a lot of people do this.

I have a good heart. I really do.

And hey, you were a little boy once.

A long time ago.

So you had to be good then.

It's not so bad, right?

I mean, just think... next
time, we could go to Walmart.

Why Bruce?

I don't know, he's just, like...

he's just, like, what a man's
supposed to be, you know?

Mm-hmm, he sure is.

Did you have any childhood...

music... heroes?

Mm, I don't know.

Britney Spears... no.

That's not who you want
teaching you to be a woman.

Hey, she has turned her shit around.

- Has she?
- Yes.

Okay.

No, I don't know.

My hero was, uh, probably

this woman named Jennifer Azzi.

Oh, my God, of course. That's amazing.

How do you know who Jennifer Azzi is?

Mm, '96 Women's Dream Team,

WNBA Hall of Fame,

she's the head coach for USF.

- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah.

That's so... how do you know that?

My daughter Mallory is obsessed with her.

She's a lesbian, which is a relief

'cause I don't have to deal
with all those creepy boys.

But she wants to play
professional basketball.

Oh, yeah?

I thought that too.

Yeah, and now she's even
more convinced it's possible

because of the expansion
team that we have coming.

Boston's getting an expansion team?

- You didn't know this?
- No.

- The Boston Spirit.
- We're called the Spirit?

- Yeah, the Boston Spirit.
- Do...

- It's an expansion team.
- Okay, there are only eight

- WNBA teams.
- Now there's gonna be nine.

And Boston is getting one?

Yeah, I'm taking Mallory
to see the open tryouts.

Anyone can try out?

Yeah. You didn't read this?

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

This has been my dream my entire life.

- Oh, my God.
- I don't think you understand.

I do understand.

You're working on a dream.

Oh, yeah, Nelson was right.

- That's amazing.
- That's amazing.

- You have to try out.
- I will. Thank you.

- You promise me?
- I promise. Thank you.

You're gonna make it.

Oh, my gosh!

Jesus.

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