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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,899 --> 00:00:04,332 [CAWS] 2 00:00:04,368 --> 00:00:06,368 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:09,076 --> 00:00:10,709 [SHRIEKS] 4 00:00:16,035 --> 00:00:17,802 [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] 5 00:00:20,039 --> 00:00:21,062 [BURPS] 6 00:00:21,117 --> 00:00:23,141 [WHISTLE BLOWS] 7 00:00:23,176 --> 00:00:24,675 [YELLS] 8 00:00:29,149 --> 00:00:30,595 [BEEPS] 9 00:00:33,887 --> 00:00:35,853 ♪ ♪ 10 00:00:35,889 --> 00:00:37,855 [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] 11 00:00:42,595 --> 00:00:43,694 [TIRES SCREECH] 12 00:00:45,698 --> 00:00:47,832 D'oh! 13 00:00:47,867 --> 00:00:49,367 [GRUNTS] 14 00:00:54,374 --> 00:00:55,373 D'oh! 15 00:00:55,408 --> 00:00:57,408 ♪ ♪ 16 00:00:57,432 --> 00:01:01,598 - Sync and corrections by ByDem - - www.addic7ed.com - 17 00:01:02,081 --> 00:01:04,849 ♪ ♪ 18 00:01:05,385 --> 00:01:07,419 ♪ They fought for years ♪ 19 00:01:07,454 --> 00:01:09,054 ♪ With guns and garden shears ♪ 20 00:01:09,089 --> 00:01:11,723 ♪ Years, years, years, ♪ ♪ tears, tears, tears ♪ 21 00:01:11,758 --> 00:01:17,362 ♪ It's the Itchy and ♪ ♪ Scratchy Marathon! ♪ 22 00:01:17,397 --> 00:01:19,731 [CHEERING, WHOOPING] 23 00:01:25,017 --> 00:01:27,584 KRUSTY [TIREDLY]: Episode 10,432: 24 00:01:27,619 --> 00:01:29,186 "Leave It To Cleaver." 25 00:01:30,456 --> 00:01:32,556 [YOWLING] 26 00:01:32,591 --> 00:01:36,226 ANNOUNCER: Sponsored by delicious Cream of Rye. 27 00:01:36,261 --> 00:01:38,061 [WEARY CHUCKLING] 28 00:01:38,096 --> 00:01:39,696 Which one's the cat? 29 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,500 Okay. [YAWNS] 30 00:01:43,535 --> 00:01:45,836 Hour 14 of our marathon. 31 00:01:45,871 --> 00:01:50,006 Now let's watch Episode 10,433: 32 00:01:50,042 --> 00:01:52,242 "Cat Scratch Cleaver"! 33 00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:54,077 Enough with the cartoons. 34 00:01:54,112 --> 00:01:55,612 You'll rot your brains. 35 00:01:55,647 --> 00:01:59,249 [HOMER AND BART MUMBLING DENIAL] 36 00:01:59,284 --> 00:02:00,617 HOMER: Leave brain alone. 37 00:02:00,652 --> 00:02:04,354 Ugh, I've been watching so much TV, I can't move my head. 38 00:02:04,389 --> 00:02:06,056 - I'll fix him. - Careful, Dad! 39 00:02:06,091 --> 00:02:08,758 If I'd have been careful, I wouldn't have had you. 40 00:02:08,794 --> 00:02:10,026 - [GRUNTS] - Ooh! 41 00:02:10,062 --> 00:02:11,027 [GRUNTS] 42 00:02:11,063 --> 00:02:12,395 Eh? Eh? 43 00:02:12,431 --> 00:02:14,231 - [MARGE GROWLS] - [NECK CRACKS] 44 00:02:14,266 --> 00:02:16,266 Now I can't go to school. Or church. 45 00:02:16,301 --> 00:02:18,368 Hallelujah! Ah! 46 00:02:18,403 --> 00:02:20,737 We're going to spend family time together 47 00:02:20,772 --> 00:02:22,739 without watching TV. 48 00:02:22,774 --> 00:02:23,740 Mom is right. 49 00:02:23,775 --> 00:02:25,876 Americans watch way too much TV. 50 00:02:25,911 --> 00:02:27,711 How many hours? Let me Google that. 51 00:02:27,746 --> 00:02:31,114 Ha! Instead of T-V, I typed T-B. 52 00:02:31,149 --> 00:02:32,916 [HOOTS] Let me Google that. 53 00:02:32,951 --> 00:02:34,050 [MAGGIE SUCKS ON SCREEN] 54 00:02:34,086 --> 00:02:36,253 Turn off the devices, pronto! 55 00:02:36,288 --> 00:02:37,621 Pronto. Odd word. 56 00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:39,256 - Let me Google that. - Mm. Mm. 57 00:02:39,291 --> 00:02:41,224 Hey, I'm doing something educational. 58 00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:42,893 Educational, my foot. 59 00:02:42,928 --> 00:02:44,561 I saw pixels. 60 00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:46,129 It's TunnelCraft. 61 00:02:46,164 --> 00:02:49,299 A simulated world where you explore, mine resources, 62 00:02:49,334 --> 00:02:52,002 and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings. 63 00:02:52,037 --> 00:02:53,169 Can you die in it? 64 00:02:53,205 --> 00:02:55,305 - Yes. - It's a video game. 65 00:02:55,340 --> 00:02:57,340 I got a family activity for ya. 66 00:02:57,376 --> 00:02:59,910 In the Depression, we'd sit around the wood stove 67 00:02:59,945 --> 00:03:02,479 and sing songs about poverty. 68 00:03:02,514 --> 00:03:04,848 ♪ Old poor Joe, the starving boy ♪ 69 00:03:04,883 --> 00:03:06,683 ♪ Had worms burrow in his feet ♪ 70 00:03:06,718 --> 00:03:09,519 ♪ He heard there was work in Portland ♪ 71 00:03:09,555 --> 00:03:11,454 ♪ But sadly he heard wrong ♪ 72 00:03:11,490 --> 00:03:14,324 ♪ Oh, the railroad bulls, ♪ ♪ they rousted him ♪ 73 00:03:14,359 --> 00:03:16,426 ♪ And stuck him in a sack ♪ 74 00:03:16,461 --> 00:03:18,628 ♪ They tied him to the train ♪ 75 00:03:18,664 --> 00:03:20,864 ♪ And pulled him down the track ♪ 76 00:03:20,899 --> 00:03:22,465 ♪ They threw him off the bridge ♪ 77 00:03:22,501 --> 00:03:24,167 ♪ And they kicked him ♪ ♪ in the head and they... ♪ 78 00:03:24,202 --> 00:03:25,335 Enough! 79 00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:26,770 - I know what we're going to do. - Huh? 80 00:03:26,805 --> 00:03:27,871 - Ah. - We're going to go out. 81 00:03:27,906 --> 00:03:29,205 We're going to get some books 82 00:03:29,241 --> 00:03:31,041 and we're going to read those books. 83 00:03:31,076 --> 00:03:32,943 This is the very last chance 84 00:03:32,978 --> 00:03:35,645 for this family to get reading in their lives. 85 00:03:35,681 --> 00:03:37,914 So get on your feet, bubs. 86 00:03:37,950 --> 00:03:39,115 [GROANING] 87 00:03:39,151 --> 00:03:41,551 We are taking a walk. 88 00:03:41,587 --> 00:03:42,986 [MOANS] 89 00:03:43,021 --> 00:03:44,020 To the library. 90 00:03:44,056 --> 00:03:45,355 [MOANS LOUDER] 91 00:03:45,390 --> 00:03:46,723 Where you'll have to be quiet. 92 00:03:46,758 --> 00:03:48,058 [MOANS VERY QUIETLY] 93 00:03:48,093 --> 00:03:50,560 Wait, you're closing? 94 00:03:50,596 --> 00:03:52,629 You wanna read? Start with the sign. _ 95 00:03:52,664 --> 00:03:55,298 Oh, can't we just go in for five minutes? 96 00:03:55,334 --> 00:03:56,666 Up to you. 97 00:03:56,702 --> 00:03:58,835 But after 2:00, the silverfish take over. 98 00:03:59,871 --> 00:04:00,837 Ah! 99 00:04:00,872 --> 00:04:02,739 I just wanted to renew my card! 100 00:04:07,879 --> 00:04:11,815 Hmm. DVDs, plush toys, crullers... 101 00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:13,650 I don't see many books. 102 00:04:13,685 --> 00:04:16,386 Yeah, the only actual books are coffee table books. 103 00:04:16,421 --> 00:04:18,088 Barn Doors of Topeka, 104 00:04:18,123 --> 00:04:19,522 Dogs Eating Ice Cream, 105 00:04:19,558 --> 00:04:21,725 Jigsaw Puzzles with One Piece Missing, 106 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,226 Man-Killing Snakes of the Amazon... 107 00:04:23,261 --> 00:04:26,696 Sir! Never say "Amazon" in a bookstore. 108 00:04:26,732 --> 00:04:28,598 Amazon! Of course! 109 00:04:28,634 --> 00:04:30,600 Alexa! 110 00:04:30,636 --> 00:04:32,335 Order books! 111 00:04:32,371 --> 00:04:33,770 ALEXA [ON PHONE]: I already did. 112 00:04:33,805 --> 00:04:35,438 Your mind is open to me. 113 00:04:35,474 --> 00:04:36,940 They'll be home before I am. 114 00:04:36,975 --> 00:04:38,942 [SNIFFLES, MOANS] 115 00:04:38,977 --> 00:04:40,777 Ma'am, if you really want to read, 116 00:04:40,812 --> 00:04:42,579 check out our proprietary e-reader: 117 00:04:42,614 --> 00:04:44,180 the Bookaccino "Niche." 118 00:04:44,216 --> 00:04:45,248 Um, excuse me. 119 00:04:45,283 --> 00:04:47,183 That device is poorly designed. 120 00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:48,585 I would register my disgust, 121 00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:50,654 but it corrects with auto praise. 122 00:04:51,723 --> 00:04:53,723 Hmm. 123 00:04:53,759 --> 00:04:54,758 Ugh! 124 00:04:56,895 --> 00:04:59,929 MARGE: Finally, a bookstore that sells books. 125 00:04:59,965 --> 00:05:02,532 [HOMER GRUNTS, STRAINS] 126 00:05:02,567 --> 00:05:04,300 - HOMER: Oh, oatmeal. - I love the smell of old books. 127 00:05:04,336 --> 00:05:06,302 [INHALES] Ah... 128 00:05:06,338 --> 00:05:07,370 Wouldn't do that, miss. 129 00:05:07,406 --> 00:05:08,738 The air in here 130 00:05:08,774 --> 00:05:10,273 has a lot of particulate rat droppings. 131 00:05:10,308 --> 00:05:11,274 Ugh! 132 00:05:11,309 --> 00:05:12,409 Okay. 133 00:05:12,444 --> 00:05:13,710 Let's book up and bug out. 134 00:05:13,745 --> 00:05:15,245 Here you go, Bart: 135 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:16,646 The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. 136 00:05:16,682 --> 00:05:18,581 Maggie: In Cold Blood. 137 00:05:18,617 --> 00:05:20,950 Lisa: With No Apologies: The Memoirs of Barry Goldwater. 138 00:05:20,986 --> 00:05:23,286 [SUCKING FASTER AND FASTER] 139 00:05:23,321 --> 00:05:25,555 Lisa, look! 140 00:05:25,590 --> 00:05:29,259 The Princess in the Garden, by Heloise Hodgeson Burwell. 141 00:05:29,294 --> 00:05:30,326 Hmm. 142 00:05:30,362 --> 00:05:31,995 It's my very favorite book 143 00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:33,463 from when I was a girl. 144 00:05:33,498 --> 00:05:34,798 It's for ages ten and up, 145 00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:36,099 but I think you're ready. 146 00:05:36,134 --> 00:05:37,667 If you think so. 147 00:05:42,641 --> 00:05:43,740 Wait a minute. 148 00:05:43,775 --> 00:05:45,508 One bar... two bars... 149 00:05:45,544 --> 00:05:46,743 five bars. 150 00:05:46,778 --> 00:05:48,311 You're not reading a book. 151 00:05:48,346 --> 00:05:50,680 - You're in a Wi-Fi hotspot! - Dad, please. 152 00:05:50,716 --> 00:05:52,716 I'm trying to reserve tickets to TunnelCraft-Con. 153 00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:56,519 What? What the hell is that? 154 00:05:56,555 --> 00:05:58,121 Uh, duh, it's a convention 155 00:05:58,156 --> 00:05:59,522 for kids who play TunnelCraft. 156 00:05:59,558 --> 00:06:01,257 It's got skins, betas, mods... 157 00:06:01,293 --> 00:06:03,426 exclusive access to the top devs. 158 00:06:03,462 --> 00:06:05,595 No convention. And that's almost final. 159 00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:07,764 But I'm dying to go, fatso. 160 00:06:07,799 --> 00:06:10,300 - Now it is final! - [GRUNTS] 161 00:06:11,636 --> 00:06:13,369 What do you have for a kid 162 00:06:13,405 --> 00:06:15,205 who wishes his father was dead? 163 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,607 Try this. The Art of War, 164 00:06:17,642 --> 00:06:21,010 written 3,000 years ago by General Sun Tzu. 165 00:06:21,046 --> 00:06:24,347 Well, there's "war" in the title and very few pages. 166 00:06:24,382 --> 00:06:26,349 The only flaw is it's a book. 167 00:06:26,384 --> 00:06:30,587 Young man, are you sure you want war with your father? 168 00:06:32,224 --> 00:06:34,557 Mmm. Mm-hmm. 169 00:06:34,593 --> 00:06:36,493 I do not seek war, 170 00:06:36,528 --> 00:06:38,828 but neither do I turn away. 171 00:06:38,864 --> 00:06:41,397 ♪ ♪ 172 00:06:41,433 --> 00:06:43,299 If you use this book, 173 00:06:43,335 --> 00:06:48,071 your father will lie shattered before the gates of your palace. 174 00:06:48,106 --> 00:06:50,206 [LAUGHS] 175 00:06:50,242 --> 00:06:52,242 Oh, mighty general! 176 00:06:52,277 --> 00:06:55,211 I beg to be your unworthy footstool. 177 00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:57,647 When he sleeps, I will steal the jewels from his topknot. 178 00:06:57,682 --> 00:06:59,015 [CACKLES] 179 00:06:59,050 --> 00:07:02,051 Hey, Mom, I found something to read! 180 00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:03,887 Wonderful! 181 00:07:03,922 --> 00:07:05,855 What a great family day. 182 00:07:05,891 --> 00:07:08,424 And there is only one perfect way 183 00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:11,427 to complete a great family day. 184 00:07:11,463 --> 00:07:12,996 So, how's the family? 185 00:07:13,031 --> 00:07:14,936 I think they went to dinner. Something nice. 186 00:07:18,820 --> 00:07:20,820 ♪ ♪ 187 00:07:23,391 --> 00:07:25,425 [GASPS] Nelson's coming our way. 188 00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:26,592 [MOANS] 189 00:07:26,628 --> 00:07:28,561 My nose is pre-bleeding. 190 00:07:28,596 --> 00:07:31,164 I'm picking on Bart. 191 00:07:31,199 --> 00:07:32,732 You like books, huh? 192 00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:35,268 Well, here's a bookmark. 193 00:07:35,303 --> 00:07:39,806 If your enemy is easily enraged, irritate him. 194 00:07:39,841 --> 00:07:41,407 I heard you're not strong, you're just fat. 195 00:07:41,443 --> 00:07:43,075 Fat? Me? 196 00:07:43,111 --> 00:07:45,445 You try eating healthy at a strip club buffet! 197 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:46,712 Oh! 198 00:07:49,484 --> 00:07:51,250 Whoa! Willy! 199 00:07:51,286 --> 00:07:52,652 - [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Get me out of here! 200 00:07:52,687 --> 00:07:56,456 - [BAGPIPES PLAYING OVER EARBUDS] - It's on fire! Willy! 201 00:07:58,493 --> 00:08:01,527 Hmm. Maybe wisdom isn't so stupid after all. 202 00:08:01,563 --> 00:08:04,464 Milhouse, I'm gonna use this book to go to TunnelCraft-Con. 203 00:08:04,499 --> 00:08:06,132 Here's the book I'm reading. 204 00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:07,667 When I finish this, 205 00:08:07,702 --> 00:08:10,536 I'll have read every Mary Kate and Ashley book. 206 00:08:10,572 --> 00:08:13,406 Sometimes I feel like the third sister. 207 00:08:13,441 --> 00:08:14,707 [OWL HOOTING] 208 00:08:14,742 --> 00:08:15,708 Ooh. 209 00:08:15,743 --> 00:08:18,010 He opposed the religious right. _ 210 00:08:18,046 --> 00:08:21,481 Okay, this is my favorite book ever, but no pressure. 211 00:08:21,516 --> 00:08:23,182 You realize saying "no pressure" 212 00:08:23,218 --> 00:08:25,384 puts me under tremendous pressure. 213 00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:28,387 Then let's get started. 214 00:08:28,423 --> 00:08:29,489 "Not all English girls 215 00:08:29,524 --> 00:08:30,890 grow up in England. 216 00:08:30,925 --> 00:08:32,792 Clara grew up in South America 217 00:08:32,827 --> 00:08:35,895 where she was raised by many native servants. 218 00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:39,866 But they were too naturally servile to oppose her will." 219 00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:41,734 - Hmm. - LISA: "Naturally" what? 220 00:08:43,771 --> 00:08:44,837 [BRITISH ACCENT]: Uncle Juan? 221 00:08:44,873 --> 00:08:47,874 Would you clap as I dance? 222 00:08:47,909 --> 00:08:50,243 Rhythm... rhythm... 223 00:08:50,278 --> 00:08:53,446 [SHARPLY]: Mind the rhythm or you'll feel the lash! 224 00:08:53,481 --> 00:08:56,749 - [GASPS] - Mom, why'd you stop reading? 225 00:08:56,784 --> 00:08:59,919 It's just a little different than I remembered. 226 00:08:59,954 --> 00:09:01,220 Let's skip ahead. 227 00:09:01,256 --> 00:09:04,357 A father murdered by loco banana picker, 228 00:09:04,392 --> 00:09:07,260 Clara baptizing savages without their permission... 229 00:09:07,295 --> 00:09:09,262 Oh, okay, okay, here we go. 230 00:09:09,297 --> 00:09:11,097 Clara is now an orphan 231 00:09:11,132 --> 00:09:14,033 and was sent to live with her lonely uncle in the hills. 232 00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:15,902 She meets a boy named Conor. 233 00:09:15,937 --> 00:09:19,272 Like all Irish, he was feeble-witted and drunk. 234 00:09:19,307 --> 00:09:22,708 [IRISH ACCENT]: This is the part you deem acceptable? 235 00:09:22,744 --> 00:09:25,111 The Irish are nobody's joke anymore. 236 00:09:25,146 --> 00:09:27,113 ♪ Hoi-dee toi-dee toi-dee toi! ♪ 237 00:09:27,148 --> 00:09:30,049 CONOR: I'm goin' on a hunger strike in here! 238 00:09:30,084 --> 00:09:33,252 [MOANS] So weak. So weak... 239 00:09:33,288 --> 00:09:34,620 - Yah-hah! - [SCREAMS] 240 00:09:34,656 --> 00:09:37,256 Another childhood classic bites the dust. 241 00:09:37,292 --> 00:09:39,025 Is that a coolie hat? 242 00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:41,060 Nighty-night! 243 00:09:41,095 --> 00:09:45,164 I bet my booklight is shining on something offensive. 244 00:09:45,199 --> 00:09:46,801 MARGE: Oh... _ 245 00:09:46,801 --> 00:09:48,334 Darn it. 246 00:09:49,604 --> 00:09:52,071 Oh... [GRUNTS] 247 00:09:53,308 --> 00:09:55,741 Heloise Hodgeson Burwell? 248 00:09:55,777 --> 00:09:57,977 [BRITISH ACCENT]: Why did you stop reading my book? 249 00:09:58,012 --> 00:10:00,446 Your daughter is just the kind of girl I wrote it for... 250 00:10:00,481 --> 00:10:03,449 - obedient, well-fed and white. - Shh! 251 00:10:03,484 --> 00:10:05,284 [UPPER-CLASS BRITISH ACCENT]: Oh, calm yourself, Marge. 252 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,486 Dreams are where it's okay to be racist. 253 00:10:07,522 --> 00:10:09,121 Rudyard Kipling! 254 00:10:09,157 --> 00:10:11,924 Yes. You should read my first draft of The Jungle Book. 255 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,960 At the end, Mowgli uses his elephants 256 00:10:13,995 --> 00:10:17,730 to stomp out some Hindus seeking limited voting rights. 257 00:10:17,765 --> 00:10:19,765 All in good fun. 258 00:10:21,102 --> 00:10:23,970 Marge, I suppose you could edit my book 259 00:10:24,005 --> 00:10:25,972 to your daughter's sensibilities. 260 00:10:26,007 --> 00:10:28,507 Wow. An author that wants rewrites. 261 00:10:28,543 --> 00:10:31,377 Well, that's what makes this a dream. 262 00:10:31,412 --> 00:10:33,879 Now the war begins. 263 00:10:33,915 --> 00:10:35,448 MILHOUSE: Not yet! 264 00:10:35,483 --> 00:10:37,116 I haven't finished my costume. 265 00:10:37,151 --> 00:10:41,487 I'm doing period sewing with bird bones as needles. 266 00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:45,691 ♪ ♪ 267 00:10:45,727 --> 00:10:47,460 LENNY: Wait. 268 00:10:47,495 --> 00:10:49,161 Why do you want me to text you 269 00:10:49,197 --> 00:10:51,664 when your father's getting in the car? 270 00:10:51,677 --> 00:10:53,968 _ 271 00:10:53,968 --> 00:10:56,135 That's none of your business... but let's just say 272 00:10:56,170 --> 00:10:58,471 both of us will benefit. 273 00:10:58,506 --> 00:11:00,106 [GASPS] A trombone mute? 274 00:11:00,141 --> 00:11:02,008 But I don't have a trombone. 275 00:11:02,043 --> 00:11:04,110 Open the other box. 276 00:11:04,145 --> 00:11:05,544 Oh, my God! 277 00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:07,580 ♪ ♪ 278 00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:12,428 _ 279 00:11:12,553 --> 00:11:14,587 - [GONG CRASHES] - [GASPING] 280 00:11:14,622 --> 00:11:15,788 [BART LAUGHING] 281 00:11:18,159 --> 00:11:20,526 All right, Simpson, blow into this. 282 00:11:20,561 --> 00:11:23,029 Now make it into a rabbit. 283 00:11:23,064 --> 00:11:25,498 All right. Ralphie's birthday is today, 284 00:11:25,533 --> 00:11:27,566 and you're the entertainment. 285 00:11:27,602 --> 00:11:29,935 [HOMER GROANS] 286 00:11:29,971 --> 00:11:32,171 What's going on? It's like someone's out to get me. 287 00:11:32,206 --> 00:11:33,906 I have to be focused and careful. 288 00:11:33,941 --> 00:11:37,043 Nothing will break my concen... Ooh! Wild milk ball. 289 00:11:37,078 --> 00:11:38,744 [CHOMPING] 290 00:11:40,982 --> 00:11:44,150 [GULPING] 291 00:11:47,188 --> 00:11:49,155 ♪ ♪ 292 00:11:49,190 --> 00:11:51,657 Bart! You're behind this? 293 00:11:51,693 --> 00:11:55,494 That's right. And it looks like someone is stuck in the mud. 294 00:11:55,530 --> 00:11:57,630 [SHRIEKS] Help me, boy! 295 00:11:57,665 --> 00:12:01,200 I will save you if you do what I say from now on... 296 00:12:01,235 --> 00:12:03,969 starting with going to TunnelCraft-Con. 297 00:12:04,005 --> 00:12:05,571 Sure. Just pull me out 298 00:12:05,606 --> 00:12:07,873 by your sneaky little neck! 299 00:12:07,909 --> 00:12:10,142 [HOMER GRUNTING] _ 300 00:12:10,178 --> 00:12:11,544 [MOANS] 301 00:12:11,579 --> 00:12:13,612 Just be aware that if something happens to me, 302 00:12:13,648 --> 00:12:16,449 Mom finds out about your secret stash of Drake's Cakes. 303 00:12:16,484 --> 00:12:17,683 What secret stash? 304 00:12:17,719 --> 00:12:20,886 Pier 18, shipping container number 4-7-9-5-2. 305 00:12:20,922 --> 00:12:22,722 D'oh! 306 00:12:22,757 --> 00:12:25,891 I was offered a deal and I took it. Okay, I give. 307 00:12:25,927 --> 00:12:27,727 Louder, dog! 308 00:12:27,762 --> 00:12:29,295 Okay! 309 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,532 [GASPING] 310 00:12:33,568 --> 00:12:37,136 Huh. You really think you can control me? 311 00:12:37,171 --> 00:12:39,105 Malted milk ball. 312 00:12:39,140 --> 00:12:40,740 Ooh! 313 00:12:48,348 --> 00:12:52,392 [PANTING HEAVILY] Okay. Here's a new version 314 00:12:52,392 --> 00:12:56,694 of The Princess in the Garden. [TIRED SIGH] 315 00:12:57,057 --> 00:12:59,871 - Mom, you're exhausted. - It takes a lot of work 316 00:12:59,871 --> 00:13:02,505 to take the spirit and character out of a book. 317 00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:06,648 But now it's as inoffensive as a Sunday in Cincinnati. 318 00:13:06,648 --> 00:13:09,149 "Once there was a cisgender girl named Clara. 319 00:13:09,184 --> 00:13:11,151 She lived in South America, 320 00:13:11,186 --> 00:13:13,286 fighting for wild horse rescue... 321 00:13:13,322 --> 00:13:15,655 [NEIGHING] 322 00:13:15,691 --> 00:13:17,657 and net neutrality." 323 00:13:17,693 --> 00:13:19,159 [ELECTRICAL BUZZING] 324 00:13:19,194 --> 00:13:20,827 LISA: This new Clara 325 00:13:20,863 --> 00:13:23,163 sounds like she starts out pretty perfect. 326 00:13:23,198 --> 00:13:24,664 You betcha! 327 00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:26,700 But since she's already evolved, 328 00:13:26,735 --> 00:13:29,669 she doesn't really have an emotional journey to complete. 329 00:13:29,705 --> 00:13:31,523 - Nope. - Kind of means there's 330 00:13:31,523 --> 00:13:33,206 no point to the book. 331 00:13:33,206 --> 00:13:35,039 Well, what am I supposed to do? 332 00:13:35,074 --> 00:13:36,574 It's hard to say. 333 00:13:36,609 --> 00:13:38,576 Something that started decades ago 334 00:13:38,611 --> 00:13:40,511 and was applauded and inoffensive, 335 00:13:40,546 --> 00:13:42,513 is now politically incorrect. 336 00:13:42,548 --> 00:13:44,215 What can you do? 337 00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:47,218 Some things will be dealt with at a later date. 338 00:13:47,253 --> 00:13:48,629 If at all. 339 00:13:49,555 --> 00:13:51,421 Hey, Simpsons. We'll see you in church. 340 00:13:51,421 --> 00:13:52,525 Not today you won't. 341 00:13:52,525 --> 00:13:54,025 Oh. Well, we'll say a prayer for you. 342 00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,860 Don't mention my name, weirdo. 343 00:13:57,764 --> 00:13:59,597 Dear Lord, forgive that boy. 344 00:13:59,632 --> 00:14:01,766 He knows not what he says. 345 00:14:01,801 --> 00:14:05,770 [AGGRAVATED GROAN] What does that weirdo want now? 346 00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:07,405 ♪ ♪ 347 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:15,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 348 00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:25,425 _ 349 00:14:25,425 --> 00:14:28,759 [CHEERING, WHOOPING] 350 00:14:30,063 --> 00:14:31,162 Ow! 351 00:14:33,099 --> 00:14:35,266 My feet hurt. There's too much cosplay, 352 00:14:35,301 --> 00:14:36,734 whatever that is. 353 00:14:36,769 --> 00:14:38,903 - Can we go home? - Quiet, you. 354 00:14:38,938 --> 00:14:40,271 It's the two greatest TunnelCraft players 355 00:14:40,306 --> 00:14:41,472 of all time! 356 00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:43,374 Those guys make awesome videos 357 00:14:43,409 --> 00:14:45,509 where they play TunnelCraft together. 358 00:14:45,545 --> 00:14:47,278 Has the world gone mad? 359 00:14:47,313 --> 00:14:50,014 Their banter is legendary. 360 00:14:50,049 --> 00:14:51,082 - Got that? - Yeah. 361 00:14:51,117 --> 00:14:52,116 - Go left. - Right. 362 00:14:52,151 --> 00:14:53,918 - Left. Go right. - Right. 363 00:14:53,953 --> 00:14:54,919 - Dig. - Dig. 364 00:14:54,954 --> 00:14:55,920 Dig. 365 00:14:55,955 --> 00:14:57,121 - Dig. - Cool. 366 00:14:57,156 --> 00:14:58,622 That's why they call me Tunnel-Rat. 367 00:14:58,658 --> 00:15:00,257 - I'm Tunnel-Rat. - Oh, right. 368 00:15:00,293 --> 00:15:02,159 - Oh-ho... - Oh, awesome! 369 00:15:04,230 --> 00:15:06,097 - What the...? - Calm down. 370 00:15:06,132 --> 00:15:07,965 It's me, Daniel Radcliffe. 371 00:15:08,001 --> 00:15:10,434 This is how I see conventions: incognito. 372 00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,436 Otherwise the fans envelope me. 373 00:15:12,472 --> 00:15:14,038 Oh, that's ridiculous! 374 00:15:14,073 --> 00:15:15,439 Daniel Radcliffe! 375 00:15:15,475 --> 00:15:17,108 He knows Rupert Grint! 376 00:15:17,143 --> 00:15:18,409 Yes, I do. He's lovely. 377 00:15:18,444 --> 00:15:20,811 Oh! Oh, God! What are you... Aah! Aah! 378 00:15:21,814 --> 00:15:23,347 I loved him. 379 00:15:23,383 --> 00:15:24,949 Please, can we go now? 380 00:15:24,984 --> 00:15:26,917 No! You wait in the poster-signing line. 381 00:15:26,953 --> 00:15:28,919 And don't sign them yourself. 382 00:15:28,955 --> 00:15:30,788 I'll know. 383 00:15:31,724 --> 00:15:33,324 Milhouse, by God, 384 00:15:33,359 --> 00:15:37,261 if you want a ride home, you tell me what Bart's up to. 385 00:15:37,296 --> 00:15:39,063 Okay. Bart's been using 386 00:15:39,098 --> 00:15:41,265 an ancient Chinese book against you. 387 00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:44,068 I knew it. Except for the ancient Chinese book part, 388 00:15:44,103 --> 00:15:45,336 I knew it! 389 00:15:45,371 --> 00:15:47,371 ♪ ♪ _ 390 00:15:49,446 --> 00:15:50,819 _ 391 00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:52,643 Why are you bringing me here? 392 00:15:52,678 --> 00:15:54,979 These professors have some very interesting news for you 393 00:15:55,014 --> 00:15:56,847 about Heloise Hodgeson Burwell. 394 00:15:56,883 --> 00:15:58,916 Meanwhile, I'll sit on this chair 395 00:15:58,951 --> 00:16:00,985 and imagine I'm grading papers. 396 00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:02,920 [HUMS A TUNE] Ah. 397 00:16:02,955 --> 00:16:05,289 Ah, Marge Simpson, the fan of Burwell. 398 00:16:05,324 --> 00:16:07,358 [CHUCKLES] We are all Burwelleans. 399 00:16:07,393 --> 00:16:09,994 You don't mind that her books are a little... 400 00:16:10,029 --> 00:16:11,862 grandma on the veranda? 401 00:16:11,898 --> 00:16:15,966 Marge, Burwell's whole life was a protest against conformity. 402 00:16:16,002 --> 00:16:18,469 - Yeah, she never married. - Had no children. 403 00:16:18,504 --> 00:16:21,172 She lived in Provincetown, Mass... 404 00:16:21,207 --> 00:16:23,441 a-chu-setts. 405 00:16:23,476 --> 00:16:26,777 Heloise Burwell is a lesbian icon! 406 00:16:26,813 --> 00:16:28,846 Her "offensive" stereotypes 407 00:16:28,881 --> 00:16:32,116 were actually a self-consciously ironic protest 408 00:16:32,151 --> 00:16:34,218 against her own oppression. 409 00:16:34,253 --> 00:16:36,921 How much of that do you actually believe? 410 00:16:36,956 --> 00:16:38,756 Mmm... most. 411 00:16:38,791 --> 00:16:40,324 So much to take in. 412 00:16:40,359 --> 00:16:42,426 How do you deal with it all? 413 00:16:42,462 --> 00:16:44,295 With the help of sherry. 414 00:16:44,330 --> 00:16:47,498 Yes. Sherry, bring in the hard liquor, please. 415 00:16:50,036 --> 00:16:51,368 [GRUNTS, GASPS] 416 00:16:51,404 --> 00:16:54,338 Okay. Now you can ask me about Lewis Carroll. 417 00:16:55,208 --> 00:16:58,843 ♪ ♪ 418 00:16:58,878 --> 00:17:03,080 Remember: all warfare is deception. 419 00:17:03,116 --> 00:17:04,482 Shut up. 420 00:17:04,517 --> 00:17:06,851 I'm trying to fool my kid. 421 00:17:09,422 --> 00:17:13,390 Bart, son, if you don't mind, I brought a friend over. 422 00:17:13,426 --> 00:17:14,625 Mm-hmm. 423 00:17:14,660 --> 00:17:15,693 Flanders?! 424 00:17:15,728 --> 00:17:17,495 Great to be here, pal-o-mino. 425 00:17:17,530 --> 00:17:19,230 I brought some potent grass 426 00:17:19,265 --> 00:17:21,398 that'll get this party started. Bluegrass! 427 00:17:21,434 --> 00:17:24,268 ♪ Chicken's in the henhouse, ♪ ♪ pig is in the poke ♪ 428 00:17:24,303 --> 00:17:26,370 ♪ The whole dang farm ♪ ♪ feels okily-doke ♪ 429 00:17:26,405 --> 00:17:28,405 ♪ Goin' up to Cripple Creek, ♪ ♪ swimmin' fully dressed ♪ 430 00:17:28,441 --> 00:17:31,142 ♪ Not being naked, ♪ ♪ oh, that's the best. ♪ 431 00:17:32,512 --> 00:17:35,146 Mr. Flanders. Again? 432 00:17:35,181 --> 00:17:36,413 No siree, Bart! 433 00:17:36,449 --> 00:17:38,048 It's me, your Homereeno! 434 00:17:38,084 --> 00:17:39,416 Morning, friend-till-the-end. 435 00:17:39,452 --> 00:17:41,952 Ready to greet the day with a big ho-hey? 436 00:17:41,988 --> 00:17:45,589 Call me the Pillsbury Doughboy, 'cause I'm ready to roll! 437 00:17:45,625 --> 00:17:47,191 Then let's hi-diddley-go! 438 00:17:47,226 --> 00:17:50,027 If anyone can do it, it's we two-it! 439 00:17:50,062 --> 00:17:52,229 - Yes, indeedle, doddily... - Okily-dokily, dokily, dokily. 440 00:17:52,265 --> 00:17:55,366 [BOTH SINGING FLANDERS GIBBERISH] 441 00:17:55,401 --> 00:17:58,602 Oh, my God. He's even gone left-handed. 442 00:18:00,139 --> 00:18:02,606 Now we're gonna take you to a movie rated R 443 00:18:02,642 --> 00:18:04,608 for "really old and boring." 444 00:18:04,644 --> 00:18:06,277 [AGGRAVATED GROAN] 445 00:18:06,312 --> 00:18:09,280 [ORCHESTRAL WALTZ PLAYING] _ 446 00:18:09,315 --> 00:18:10,614 [PROJECTOR CLICKING] 447 00:18:13,753 --> 00:18:16,086 ♪ ♪ 448 00:18:24,764 --> 00:18:27,965 [LAUGHTER] 449 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,068 Oh, no, he daren't! [CHUCKLES] 450 00:18:31,103 --> 00:18:35,406 Dad, please, isn't there any way to get the old Homer back? 451 00:18:35,441 --> 00:18:38,309 Well, now, Bartly, why would you want that balding boob... 452 00:18:38,344 --> 00:18:40,144 [GASPS] Ooh, I said "boob"! 453 00:18:40,179 --> 00:18:41,979 Uh-oh. Time for me to do a turtle. 454 00:18:42,014 --> 00:18:44,148 I'll come out when the B-bombs stop flying. 455 00:18:44,183 --> 00:18:46,617 Please, I want my dad... not this horrible creature 456 00:18:46,652 --> 00:18:48,819 from the depths of Heaven you've become. 457 00:18:48,854 --> 00:18:50,521 If you truly surrender, 458 00:18:50,556 --> 00:18:52,990 give me your Halloween candy. 459 00:18:53,025 --> 00:18:54,491 But it's March. 460 00:18:54,527 --> 00:18:56,427 Most of it's still good. 461 00:18:56,462 --> 00:18:57,595 Fine. 462 00:18:57,630 --> 00:18:59,463 Now, bow to your master, 463 00:18:59,498 --> 00:19:01,532 because you are the fool, 464 00:19:01,567 --> 00:19:04,668 and I, the greater fool! 465 00:19:04,704 --> 00:19:06,837 Dad! You read the book, too? 466 00:19:06,872 --> 00:19:09,106 Up to page five. 467 00:19:09,141 --> 00:19:12,176 Now, come here, son, and grab some belly. 468 00:19:12,211 --> 00:19:13,577 [CHUCKLES]: Aw. 469 00:19:13,613 --> 00:19:16,547 Excuse me. These films are original nitrate prints. 470 00:19:16,582 --> 00:19:20,150 Which means the theater has just gone up in a terrible fire. 471 00:19:20,186 --> 00:19:21,719 You have seconds to escape! 472 00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:24,688 [ORGAN PLAYS FANFARE] 473 00:19:24,724 --> 00:19:27,521 They never tell the organist. 474 00:19:27,658 --> 00:19:30,692 [LIVELY PIANO RAG PLAYING] 475 00:19:44,081 --> 00:19:46,882 Hmm, so that film is a hundred years old? 476 00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:49,985 No. We shot it at my place yesterday. 477 00:19:55,325 --> 00:19:57,259 ♪ Well, now it's time to say good-bye ♪ 478 00:19:57,294 --> 00:19:58,960 ♪ To Ned and Rod and Todd ♪ 479 00:19:58,996 --> 00:20:02,697 ♪ And I'll remind all you folks ♪ ♪ you should be praisin' God ♪ 480 00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:05,867 ♪ If you don't, you'll rot ♪ ♪ in Hell for all eternity ♪ 481 00:20:05,903 --> 00:20:10,272 ♪ It's all a part of God's great ♪ ♪ love he has for you and me. ♪ 482 00:20:10,307 --> 00:20:13,909 Y'all come back, now. Y'hear? 483 00:20:13,944 --> 00:20:20,688 - Sync and corrections by ByDem - - www.addic7ed.com - 484 00:20:21,305 --> 00:20:27,666 AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back with the Million Dollar Sunday Tournament 33735

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