All language subtitles for Splitting Up Together 1x03 - Street Meat

Previously on "Splitting
Up Together"...

We're pulling the plug. The on-duty
parent will live in the main house.

The off-duty parent will
be living in the garage.

You want to blame everything
on Lena when, in fact,

you didn't dance with
your wife at your wedding.

I didn't dance with
her at our wedding.

- That's what you think our problem was?
- Kind of.

Now, remember. The
most important rule

about dancing has nothing
to do with dancing.

If you don't keep me in
your gaze, I might get lost.

You just explained
why my marriage failed.

I want to be with
someone who's into me.

I'm someone's mother.

Motherhood and
sexuality can't coexist?

Crazy part is, I've
seen you wipe things.

I've witnessed it
happening. Didn't take.

- There's always this filmy residue.
- O-kay.

That's me. I'm the residue guy.

And you always will be

till you learn how to wipe
harder, like you mean it.

I mean it!

- I mean, I meant it when I wiped it.
- No, you didn't.

Watch. Learn.

- Ooh.
- Oh. wow.

- Did you see that follow-through?
- Ooh!

Man, I don't think
I've ever wiped anything

with that much commitment.

But I promise that I will
wipe harder next time.

That's all I ask.

So, it's kind of fun

that we're both single
at the same time, right?

Yeah.

Maybe we could do some fun...

- single sister things together.
- _

_

- "Wok of Shame."
- Single men,

imitation Crab Rangoon.

- You in?
- I don't know, Maya.

Both those things sound kinda...

- sad?
- Oh, they are.

Well, what happened to
that guy you met on Tinder?

Rudy?

Maya! Maya!

Ah. Ah.

Forgot your phone charger.

I could've just
gotten it next time.

Y-Yeah. Um, about that...

Are you (BLEEP) kidding me, Rudy?

And it's not just Rudy.

I mean, every guy,
really, is the worst.

So will you please come
with me to this thing

so then maybe we could
meet some more of them?

The thing is, Maya, that I...

I kind of already
met someone I like.

You already met someone you like?

There's two guys on here.

Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Not the doctor.

The hot young guy, Wes.

Oh. I know what this is.

Uh, Lena...

sometimes really ugly people

use photos of really
not-ugly people

to just try to lure you in.

That's actually how I met Rudy.

- Are you talking about...
- You're being catfished.

- I'm not being catfished.
- Said everyone on the show "Catfish."

I'm not on the show "Catfish,"

and I didn't meet either of
those guys on an app or online.

- I met them in person.
- You mean in... real life?

Yeah. And the doctor is nice.

I just... I feel like I have

more sexual chemistry
with the young guy.

- Oh, sexual chemistry.
- Yeah. And it's like he...

definitely takes me
outside of my comfort zone.

Oh.

So, you've been single
for like 14 seconds,

and you've already been
outside of your comfort zone?

Well, not all the way
outside of my comfort zone.

That's kind of what I was
hoping to do next weekend.

Oh. Of course. Right.

? Keep giving me hope
for a better day ?

? Keep giving me
love to find a way ?

? Through this heaviness
I feel, I just need ?

- ? Someone to say everything's okay ?
- Sync/Corrections PetaG - addic7ed.com -

- ? Everything's okay ?
- That kid is such a poser.

- Who? McManus?
- He thinks he's so great

just 'cause he's got syphilis.

Did you say "syphilis"?

- Syphilis.
- Syphilis.

Syphilis. It's an STD.

Thank you, Jules. I
know that it's an STD.

Um, I just didn't know
that anyone still got it

except for
17th-century courtesans.

Why would anyone think they're
so great for having syphilis?

Well, because the girl
he says he got it from

- is Brooke Benaroche.
- Brooke Benaroche?

Brooke Benaroche is the
hottest girl in school.

She has a tattoo of
Ganesh on her pelvis.

Ganesh is an elephant. Kind
of like Babar, but Hindu.

Thank you, Jules.
Thank you so much.

You're welcome, Ms.
Wagner. And may I say

you are wearing the hell
out of those sweatpants.

Okay. Do you see that? That's
why half of you have syphilis.

Mom, relax. None
of us have syphilis.

Yeah, I mean, Mason hasn't
even frenched a girl,

so y-you really got
nothing to worry about.

- Ohh!
- Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, okay. All right. Yuk it up.

But, uh, homey's
onto something here,

because the only way to avoid
a nasty STD like syphilis

is by being abstinent.

- Like my killer here, Mason.
- Okay, oh, Mom, you're not helping.

Okay. Come on, guys. Let's go.

All right, well, if you do
smash, wrap it up, gents.

Wrap it up. All right?

And limit your number of...

sexual partners!

? Can't keep my hands to myself ?

? Think I'll dust 'em off,
put 'em back up on the shelf ?

? In case my little
baby girl is in need ?

? Am I coming out of left field? ?

? Ooh, ooh, I'm a rebel
just for kicks, now ?

? I've been feelin'
it since 1966, now ?

? Might be over now,
but I feel it still ?

? Ooh, ooh, I'm a rebel
just for kicks, now ?

? Let me kick it
like it's 1986, now ?

? Might be over now,
but I feel it still ?

? Might've had your fill,
but I feel it still ?

You, sir, are a dancer.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You're really good.

Well, damn.

We did it. Here.

You know, it's funny.

When we first started
lessons, you know, I thought...

You had some kind of disability?

Yeah, I know. I
thought the same thing.

No.

No, I-I actually...

I actually thought
something different.

When we first started,

you know, I thought I
was just doing this to...

I don't know... prove
something to myself, you know?

But then after spending these
past few weeks with you...

I realize that, uh...

I'm not doing this for me.

- No?
- No.

I'm doing it for her.

For her. Right.

I mean, what if I had done
this before we got married?

What if I had danced
with her at our wedding?

Maybe it would have changed the
entire course of our marriage.

So, what, you think one
dance with your ex-wife

is gonna erase all
of your problems?

Well, you said I
was a good dancer.

I said you were a dancer.

You said I was a great dancer.

- I said a dancer.
- Mm-hmm.

Why do we have to wear
these matching hats?

- They're anti-aging.
- I feel like we're in "The Handmaid's Tale."

So, wait. Martin
has a girlfriend?!

It would appear that way.

Same girl sneaking
into the garage again.

Oh, my God. How are
you guys talking?

- This is practically vertical.
- I'm gonna kill him.

It's okay. Whatever.
I'm dating, too.

No, I'm talking about Arthur.
Martin has a girlfriend,

- and that little (BLEEP) didn't tell me?
- You know what I realized?

Tomorrow was gonna be
our 16-year anniversary.

He's already in a relationship!

Okay. Meanwhile, I'm gonna
die here on these steps

childless and alone.

Ugh! Maya!

If you want to have children, why
don't you stop whining about it

and just have some?

It's 2018. There
are ways, you know?

- Artificial insemination.
- Adoption.

Amazon Prime.

No. Watch, you
guys. It will happen.

I don't know if I could
have a kid all by myself.

I can't even make
it up these steps.

Well, I think you'd be
a kick-ass single mom.

You can practice on
my kids if you want.

Now, that is a good idea.

You babysit her kids.

Martin is dating,
so you're dating.

Okay. Screw it. Maya, are you in?

- I'm texting Wes.
- I'm in.

But promise me that you're gonna
have sex and not just dinner.

I mean, it depends on
what we have for dinner.

I mean, if it's like,
something with Alfredo...

No! No Alfredo!

She needs a UTI by first light.

Okay. It's been a very long time

since I've been with
anyone other than Martin.

You know, though, as I recall,

you haven't been with Martin
in a long time, either.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

I mean, what will I wear?
What will we even talk about?

Don't talk about your kids.

Oh, my God. I'm not
gonna talk about my kids.

He doesn't want to hear
about kids. He is a kid.

Ohh. He's so young
and cool and edgy.

Like The Fonz.

- Oh, my God. The Fonz is like 100.
- Oh.

You okay?

Who, me? I'm great!

But if my battery dies,

I'll definitely have to call an
Uber, 'cause this is a long run.

A real long run!

Hey. Hop off that thing. I-I
want to show you something.

Something gross?

What? No.

No. No. I-I...

I got a gift for Lena, and I-I
want to know what you think.

Come on. Get off the hover board.

Come here.

This is a little weird. And
yet, I've never felt safer.

? One, two, three,
one, two, three ?

- Did you learn to dance?! Okay.
- Get closer.

You did! You learned to dance!

- Stop fighting me so much!
- Okay, I'm sorry.

Hey! We're dancing!

- Dude, when did this happen?
- A while ago.

And then seeing her the
other night all dressed up,

you know, getting excited to
go out with some other dude,

- it... it just got me...
- Shook?

- Shook. Yeah, I got shook.
- Yeah.

Hey. Listen to me.
You promise me...

Promise me that you're not gonna
say anything about this to Camille.

- What? Why?
- Dude.

She doesn't let me keep
secrets. Those are the rules.

One dessert, no secrets.

If you tell Camille, she will
tell Lena and... and then ruin it.

She will ruin it.

Tomorrow would've been our
16-year wedding anniversary,

and I have made a decision.

I want to fix things with Lena.

Oh, hey, guys.

What's up, cherry-boy?
Still living in Palmdale?

Don't listen to them,
cherry-boy. Those kids are jerks.

Oh. Hi, Hazel.

It's like, "God, math.
Why don't you just grow up

and solve your own
problems?" Am I right?

Pick me up tonight in an
Uber, and I'll french you.

- What?!
- If it's an uberX, just frenching.

If it's a BLACK car,
you might get to second.

And if it's an
uberPOOL, deal's off.

W-what if it's
during surge pricing?!

What if your baby
refuses the breast?

I... offer a bottle.

What if your baby
doesn't want the bottle?

Yeah. What if your baby
only wants a Snapple?

- Call a pediatrician?
- Or...?

Give the baby the Snapple?

That's what I'd do.

What's the matter, Mace?

You don't want to play
"What if Your Baby"?

Fine.

What if your baby

was the only baby who had
never hooked up with anyone,

and all of your baby's
friends always tease your baby

and called your
baby "cherry-boy"?

So your baby made plans to
make out with a girl named Hazel

from math class in a sex Uber,

and now your baby
very much regrets it?!

Whoa. Your baby's awesome!

Hey! My baby doesn't need
to prove anything to anyone.

Yes, your baby does!

Milo. Go get a snack.

_

Sex Uber?

Mason, no.

First of all,
we're a Lyft family.

I think I'm just gonna no-show.

Okay, uh, I know why
you're saying that. But...

listen. You just gotta...

you gotta think about how
that girl is gonna feel.

Great. My driver, Amir,
4.8 stars, is now arriving.

Okay. Listen.

If you don't like this girl,

you don't have to do
anything you don't want to do.

But you can't stand her
up. Just let her down easy.

Wow. Great job, Aunt Maya.

See? Maybe I-I can do
the kid thing on my own.

Yeah.

You just sent a 14-year-old out
for a sexcapade on a school night.

And I'm not supposed
to be drinking this.

I like your beanie.

- I'm taking it off.
- Don't.

Did you wear it for me?

No, I did not.

- It feels like you wore it for me.
- Nope.

Wrong. I wear this
beanie all the time.

Right.

- Did you borrow it from your son?
- Stop it!

Oh, so I guess we don't
have to worry about

finding a table,
because there aren't any.

No need for a table. You'll
be done eating in 30 seconds

- after he hands it to you.
- It's funny that you think I'm eating this.

Oh, you are
absolutely eating this.

I know we're just kind of
getting to know each other,

- Uh-huh.
- but you should be made aware...

meat that comes
from one of those...

slathered in sauce
from one of those,

served in one of these is
never going inside of this.

Oh, first of all,
that is not just meat.

That is Al pastor.

Okay, it's meat that has
had his fingers in it.

Oh, you want those
fingers in there.

I mean, those fingers are
responsible for half the taste.

If I could lick each and every
one of those fingers, I would.

- �Qu� van a ordenar?
- Dos Al pastor.

Y dedos extras, por favor.

That's "extra
fingers" in Spanish.

Got it. Okay.

Gracias.

How do you say
"gloves" in Spanish?

Okay. Don't be mad.
I'm so sorry. I just...

I-I-I-I am not a "street
meat" kind of girl.

Well, maybe you are a
"street meat" kind of girl

and you just don't know it yet.

I don't think so.

All right. Come on.

One tiny bite?

Don't be the girl who didn't try.

Hmm?

- Oh, my God!
- Exactly.

Oh, my God!

Are those his fingers
that I'm tasting?

All ten of them.

Mmm.

Told ya.

I bet when you left
the house tonight,

you never would have dreamed
you'd be eating street meat

and making out in a parking lot.

Yeah, well, we're not
exactly making out.

Hey. Come on in.

Quick, quick, quick,
quick, quick, quick.

Oh. You're... in your underwear.

Thank you, uh, for coming on
such short notice. I can pay you.

That's not necessary.
What's going on?

I'm nervous.

I'm, like, really,
really nervous.

I've completely blanked on
everything that we've worked on.

I mean, is it... is it left foot
forward? Is it left foot back?

Okay. So, you always lead,
okay? Don't overthink it.

- You're way beyond the basic waltz.
- Mm, okay.

? One, two, three,
one, two, three ?

Oh...

Your body will remember
it, even if you don't.

Thank you, Charlotte, for
the refresher. I just want

everything to be perfect
tonight for Lena, you know?

I'm sure it will be.

And, um, I-I don't think
that you need lessons anymore,

because you're really good.

So I'm gonna go.

Hey, hey. Wait.

You okay?

No, I'm not.

When you texted me,
I half-expected you to

come to your senses
and... and talk to me

about something other
than your ex-wife.

Oh. Ohh.

Oh.

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry. I'm just...

Just gonna try to
find a... a robe.

I'm sorry if I made
you uncomfortable.

No! I'm not.

Well, you're hiding behind
an iron and a place mat.

So... I'm gonna go.

I should probably let you...

go.

? And I was a boy from school ?

- ? Helplessly helping ?
- Cool Uber, huh?

- ? All the rules... ?
- Yeah.

Um...

Look, Hazel, I know you
were probably expecting

a really deep frenching tonight,

but, TBH, I'm just not ready.

I was just tired of being
the only kid at school

who hadn't hooked
up with someone.

You're not the only kid.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

And TB even more H,

I get made fun of all the
time for being "inexperienced."

I'm not even sure
what second base is.

I think I know, but I-I was...

I was gonna ask you to confirm.

Come on! I wasn't even born
in this country, and I know.

It's the stuff with the boobs.

Okay.

Wes, Wes, Wes.

What are we doing?

W-What do you mean?

I don't know.

Even with the beanie, I just...
I see you with someone cooler.

I just... I see you
with someone like

the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

I don't like the Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo.

I like the Girl with
the Pearl Earring.

Are you talking about
the painting or...?

You.

I'm talking about you.

Me? Are you sure?

If I get syphilis tonight,
it's totally worth it.

I don't have syphilis.

I just got chills
when you said that.

That's, like... that's,
like, hypochondriac porn.

Say it again.

I don't have syphilis.

What about meat guy's fingers?

- Totally sanitary.
- Mmm.

I am so turned on right now.

And if there was gonna be
gastrointestinal upset, we'd have it.

And I feel fine.

What am I gonna do with you?

? Hello, my old heart ?

? How have you been? ?

? Are you still there
inside my chest? ?

? I've been so worried ?

? You've been so still ?

? Barely beating at all ?

? Ohh ?

? Don't leave me here alone ?

? Don't tell me
that we've grown ?

? For having loved
a little while ?

? Ohh ?

? I don't want to be alone ?

? I want to find a home ?

? And I want to
share it with you ?

What if your baby goes MIA

and refuses to answer his phone?

Kill yourself is the
answer? Kill yourself?!

Ohh! Look! There
he is! There he is!

Oh! There's my baby.

What's up, cherry-boy?
Move out of Palmdale?

Shut up, Mae.

Hey, Aunt Maya,

I know I said I didn't
really like that girl,

but we actually had a great time.

I-I'm glad I went. So thanks.

Huh.

So, did I do great,

or did I put his
life in jeopardy?

I-I can't even tell.

Oh! Maybe that's just
what parenting is.

Okay, I'm just gonna call
this one a "win" then.

Hey. You guys want to
go stalk Rudy with me?

Sync & corrections by PetaG
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