Original subtitles

>> PRINCIPAL VAGINA HERE

DON'T LET THE NAME FOOL YOU.

I'M VERY MUCH IN CHARGE

REMINDING YOU THAT TONIGHT IS

OUR ANNUAL FLU SEASON DANCE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I

HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT IF YOU

HAVE THE FLU, STAY HOME.

>> HEY.

>> THE FLU SEASON DANCE IS ABOUT

AWARENESS, NOT CELEBRATION.

>> Morty: [ SIGHS ]

>> YOU DON'T BRING DEAD BABIES

TO PASSOVER.

>> Morty: OKAY. HERE WE GO.

H-HEY, JESSICA.

UH...

>> WHAT'S UP, MORTY?

[ SNEEZES ]

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Morty: UM...

>> WAIT, WAIT.

WERE YOU ABOUT TO TALK...TO HER?

>> Morty: WELL...I MEAN, I WAS

THINKING ABOUT IT.

>> DUDE, STAY IN YOUR LEAGUE.

LOOK AT HOW HOT SHE IS.

YOU DON'T SEE ME GOING TO A

BIGGER SCHOOL IN A WEALTHIER

DISTRICT AND HITTING ON THEIR

PRETTIEST GIRL.

>> GEE, THANKS, BRAD.

>> I THROW BALLS FAR.

YOU WANT GOOD WORDS?

DATE A LANGUAGER.

>> Jerry: TRY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT

IT, MORTY.

YOU'RE A GOOD KID, AND THERE'S

NOT A PREMIUM ON THAT RIGHT NOW,

BUT YOU'LL BE GETTING GIRLS

SOMETIME AFTER BRAD'S OUT OF

SHAPE.

>> Morty: [ Sighing ] YOU'RE

MISSING THE POINT, DAD.

I DON'T WANT GIRLS.

I WANT JESSICA.

>> Jerry: AH, WELL, I REMEMBER

FEELING THAT WAY ABOUT A YOUNG

LADY NAMED "YOUR MOM," AND

THAT'S NOT AN URBAN DISS.

YOUR MOM WAS MY JESSICA.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I SAW

HER.

I THOUGHT

>> Rick: "I SHOULD GET HER

PREGNANT, AND THEN SHE'LL HAVE

TO MARRY ME."

>> Jerry: I BEG YOUR PARDON,

RICK INAPPROPRIATE.

>> Rick: SORRY, PLEASE PROCEED

WITH YOUR STORY ABOUT BANGING MY

DAUGHTER IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I'M NOT SURE YOU WANT TO TAKE

ROMANTIC ADVICE FROM THIS GUY,

MORTY.

HIS MARRIAGE IS HANGING FROM A

THREAD.

>> Jerry: MY MARRIAGE IS FINE,

THANK YOU.

>> Rick: JERRY, IT'S YOUR

HOUSE WHATEVER YOU SAY IT IS

IS HOW IT IS BUT I THINK A

BLIND MAN COULD SEE THAT BETH IS

LOOKING FOR THE DOOR.

I BARELY HAVE A REASON TO CARE,

AND EVEN INOTICED.

>> Morty: COME ON, RICK!

DON'T TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS LIKE

THAT.

>> Rick: LISTEN, MORTY, I HATE

TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT WHAT

PEOPLE CALL "LOVE" IS JUST A

CHEMICAL REACTION THAT COMPELS

ANIMALS TO BREED.

IT HITS HARD, MORTY, THEN IT

SLOWLY FADES, LEAVING YOU

STRANDED IN A FAILING MARRIAGE.

I DID IT.

YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA DO IT.

BREAK THE CYCLE, MORTY.

RISE ABOVE. FOCUS ON SCIENCE.

[ SLURPS ]

>> Morty: ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M

GONNA GO GET DRESSED FOR THE

DANCE.

>> Jerry: YEAH, I'M JUST GOING

TO...CHECK ON YOUR MOM.

>> Rick: MORTY, HAND ME THAT

SCREWDRIVER, HUH?

I'M ALMOST FINISHED MAKING MY

IONIC DEFIBULIZER, MORTY.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

>> Morty: HEY, LISTEN, RICK.

Y-Y-YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAID THAT,

YOU KNOW, LOVE IS A CHEMICAL AND

ALL THAT STUFF FROM EARLIER?

WELL, I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,

W-W COULD YOU MAKE SOME SORT

OF CHEMICAL THING HAPPEN INSIDE

OF JESSICA'S MIND, YOU KNOW, SO

WHERE SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH ME

AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING?

YOU KNOW, LIKE, MAYBE MAKE SOME

SORT OF LOVE POTION OR

SOMETHING?

>> Rick: MORTY, THAT'S SUCH A

POOR USE OF MY TIME.

IT'S BENEATH ME.

HAND ME THE SCREWDRIVER.

>> Morty: YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO, RICK!

I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU THE

SCREWDRIVER.

I-I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU

ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, RICK!

I'M ALWAYS HELPING YOU WITH THIS

AND THAT AND THE OTHER THING.

W-W-W-W-W-WHAT ABOUT ME, RICK?

W-W-W-W-WHY CAN'T YOU JUST HELP

ME OUT ONCE ONCE FOR ONCE?

>> Rick: [ GROANS ]

YOU'RE GROWING UP FAST, MORTY.

YOU'RE GROWING INTO A REAL BIG

THORN STRAIGHT UP INTO MY ASS.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

LISTEN, THIS IS CALLED OXYTOCIN.

I EXTRACTED IT FROM A VOLE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A VOLE IS,

MORTY?

YOU KNOW WHAT A VOLE IS?

IT'S A IT'S A RODENT THAT

MATES FOR LIFE, MORTY.

THIS IS THE CHEMICAL RELEASED IN

A MAMMAL'S BRAIN, YOU KNOW, THAT

MAKES IT FALL IN LOVE.

ALL RIGHT, MORTY, I JUST GOT TO

[BURPS] COMBINE IT WITH SOME OF

YOUR DNA.

>> Morty: OH, WELL, OKAY.

[ ZIPPER OPENS ]

>> Rick: A HAIR, MORTY.

I NEED ONE OF YOUR HAIRS.

THIS ISN'T "GAME OF THRONES."

>> Morty: OW!

>> Rick: ALL RIGHT, MORTY.

WHOEVER YOU SMEAR THIS STUFF ON

WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU, AND

ONLY YOU, FOREVER.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, MORTY?

>> Morty: HECK, YEAH!

THANK YOU, GRANDPA RICK.

HEY, THERE'S NO...DANGERS OR

ANYTHING, OR SIDE EFFECTS,

RIGHT?

>> Rick: W-W-W-WHAT AM I, A

HACK?

GO NUTS, MORTY. IT'S FOOLPROOF.

EH, UNLESS SHE HAS THE FLU.

>> Jerry: BETH, DO Y-YOU STILL

LOVE ME?

>> Beth: UGH, WHAT KIND OF

QUESTION IS THAT?

>> Jerry: THE "YES OR NO" KIND?

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

>> Beth: JERRY, DO YOU WANT

HOMELESS PEOPLE TO HAVE HOMES?

>> Jerry: YES.

>> Beth: ARE YOU GONNA BUILD

THEM?

>> Jerry: NO.

>> Beth: THEN WHAT GOOD WAS THE

"YES"?

>> Jerry: WAIT, I-IS LOVING ME

THE HOUSE OR THE HOMELESS

PEOPLE?

>> Beth: LOVING YOU IS WORK,

JERRY HARD WORK, LIKE

BUILDING A HOMELESS SHELTER

NOBODY WANTS TO SAY NO TO DOING

IT, BUT SOME PEOPLE PUT THE WORK

IN.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

DO YOU SEE ME WORKING HERE?

DOES THIS CONVERSATION SEEM

TEDIOUS TO ME?

>> Jerry: SORT OF.

>> Beth: THEN I OBVIOUSLY SORT

OFLOVE YOU, DON'T I?

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

SO STOP ASKING, AND MAYBE I'LL

LOVE YOU MORE.

CRAP, THEY NEED ME AT THE HORSE

HOSPITAL.

>> Jerry: PUH! THIS LATE?

>> Beth: THE RACETRACK HAD A

STARLIGHT DERBY.

THERE WAS A SEVEN-HORSE

COLLISION, AND DAVIN'S THERE

ALONE.

>> Jerry: [ Thinking ] DAVIN.

DAVIN.

DAVIN! DAVIN.

DAVIN! DAVIN!

DAVIN! DAVIN!

>> [ Rapping ] ♪ ♪ FLU, YO ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ YOU GOT TO BE AWARE ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ AWARE OF ALL THE FLU ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ UP IN THE AIR ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I'M-A GET ME A SHOT ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ AND MAKE THE FLU GO AWAY ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ FLU-HATING RAPPER ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ JUST RAPPING AWAY ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ YO, YO, FLU-HATING RAPPER ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ IT'S A FLU-HATING RAPPER ♪ ♪

>> Morty: HEY, THERE, JESSICA.

WHOA! OH, WHOOPSIE!

>> OH, MY GOD.

MORTY.

YOU LOOK REALLY NICE TONIGHT.

>> Morty: WOW, THANKS.

>> I LOVE YOU, MORTY!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT BURNS!

>> Morty: OH, MAN!

I-I LOVE YOU TOO, JESSICA!

>> [ SPITS ]

IS THIS PUNK BOTHERING YOU,

JESSICA?

>> LEAVE HIM ALONE, JERK!

I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM!

HE IS MORE MAN THAN YOU WILL

EVER BE!

[ SNEEZES ]

>> [ Rapping ] ♪ ♪ THIS IS ABOUT

FLU AWARENESS ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ GOT TO BE AWARE OF THE FLU IN

THE AIR-NESS ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ YO, I'M A FLU-HATING RAPPER ♪ ♪

>> OH, MAN, MORTY.

[ SIGHS ]

I'M REALLY SORRY.

>> Morty: OH, WELL, N-NO

PROBLEM, BRAD.

>> THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL

ABOUT YOU, MORTY SO SPECIAL.

MMM, YEAH.

>> Morty: WHOA, TAKE IT EASY!

>> GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!

>> BACK OFF!

I'M TRYING TO BE WITH MY MAN!

>> THAT'S ENOUGH, BRADLEY!

WE DON'T WANT YOU INJURING YOUR

BALL-THROWING ARM.

>> OH, COME ON,

PRINCIPAL VAGINA.

I JUST...

>> NEVER LEAVE ME, MORTY.

NEVER!

>> Morty: UH, SURE.

I MEAN, O-OF COURSE NOT.

W-WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT WAS ALL

ABOUT?

>> WHO CARES? JUST HOLD ME.

>> LET ME GO! I LOVE YOU, MORTY!

[ SNEEZES ]

LET GO OF ME!

[ SNEEZES ]

MORTY!

>> Jerry: SHE'S GONNA BE ALONE

WITH THAT GUY ALL NIGHT.

>> Summer: YEAH, DAD, DIGGING

AROUND THE INSIDES OF HORSES.

IT'S NOT A VERY ROMANTIC

SETTING.

>> Rick: WELL, SUMMER, THERE'S

ALWAYS THE POSSIBILITY THAT SHE

MADE THE WHOLE WORK THING UP.

MAYBE DAVIN'S DIGGING AROUND IN

HERINSIDES.

>> Summer: GRANDPA, SO GROSS!

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MY MOM.

>> Rick: WELL, SHE'S MY

DAUGHTER, SUMMER.

I OUTRANK YOU.

OR FAMILY MEANS NOTHING, IN

WHICH CASE DON'T PLAY THAT CARD.

>> Jerry: SHE'S NOT RESPONDING

TO MY TEXTS!

>> Summer: CAREFUL, DAD.

JEALOUSY TURNS WOMEN OFF.

>> Jerry: WELL, ISN'T THAT

CONVENIENT?

>> Rick: NOT FOR THE MEN THEY

CHEAT ON, NO.

>> Jerry: OKAY, I'M...GOING TO

GO OUT...FOR SOME ICE CREAM.

AND MAYBE STOP BY THE

HOSPITAL...TO SUPPORT MY WIFE...

WITH MY CONFIDENCE.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> Summer: GOD, GRANDPA, YOU'RE

SUCH A DICK.

>> Rick: I'M SORRY, SUMMER.

YOUR OPINION MEANS VERY LITTLE

TO ME.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT AT THIS

STUPID DANCE EVERYONE LOVES SO

MUCH?

>> Summer: SCREW THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO GET SICK.

IT'S FLU SEASON.

>> Rick: IT IS?

>> Summer: YEAH.

>> Rick: UH-OH.

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Morty: PLEASE JUST LET THIS

WORK OUT.

>> [ MOANS ]

DO IT, MORTY. DO IT.

RIP MY CLOTHES OFF AND MATE WITH

ME FOR LIFE!

[ GROWLS ]

>> Morty: UM...

CAN WE MAYBE GO SOMEWHERE MORE

PRIVATE?

>> JESSICA, GET A HOLD OF

YOURSELF!

[ GRUNTS ]

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO CARRY

MORTY'S GENES.

>> [ Rapping ] ♪ ♪ I LOVE MORTY ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ AND I HOPE MORTY LOVES ME ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I'D LIKE TO WRAP MY ARMS

AROUND HIM ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ AND FEEL HIM INSIDE ME ♪ ♪

>> Morty: OH, CRAP.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> MORTY!

>> Rick: MORTY, COME ON!

WE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS

BECAUSE IT USUALLY NEVER

HAPPENS, BUT I MADE A MISTAKE.

[ BOTH PANTING ]

COME ON, MORTY.

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

COME ON.

>> MORTY!

>> Morty: [ WAILS ]

>> ARE YOU OKAY?

>> Morty: I'M FINE!

>> OH, GOOD.

IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO

YOU, I WOULD KILL MYSELF.

I LOVE YOU BAD, MO-MO!

[ ALL PANTING ]

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> MORTY, THE PRINCIPAL AND I

HAVE DISCUSSED IT, A-A-AND WE'RE

BOTH INSECURE ENOUGH TO AGREE TO

A THREE-WAY!

>> Rick: I DIDN'T REALIZE WHEN I

GAVE YOU THAT SERUM THAT JESSICA

HAD THE FLU YOU KNOW,

T-T-T-T-T-T-T-THAT MIGHT HAVE

BEEN VALUABLE INFORMATION FOR

ME, MORTY.

>> Morty: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING

ON, RICK?

>> Rick: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

T-T-T-THE SERUM IS PIGGYBACKING

ON THE VIRUS.

IT'S GONE AIRBORNE, MORTY.

>> Morty: OH, CRAP.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, RICK?

>> Rick: IT'S GONNA BE FINE,

MORTY, RELAX.

I WHIPPED UP AND ANTIDOTE.

IT'S BASED ON PRAYING-MANTIS

DNA.

YOU KNOW, PRAYING MANTISES ARE

THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF VOLES,

MORTY.

I MEAN, THEY THEY MATE ONCE,

AND THEN THEY, YOU KNOW,

DECAPITATE THE PARTNER.

I MEAN, IT'S A WHOLE RITUAL.

IT'S REALLY GRUESOME AND TOTALLY

OPPOSITE.

THERE'S NO LOVE AT ALL.

I-I-I BASICALLY MIXED THIS WITH

A MORE CONTAGIOUS FLU VIRUS.

IT SHOULD NEUTRALIZE THE WHOLE

THING, MORTY.

IT'LL ALL BE OVER VERY SHORTLY.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

UH, BY THE WAY, MORTY, I KNOW

YOU DIDN'T ASK OR ANYTHING, BUT

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING SEX

WITH YOU.

THESE SERUMS, THEY DON'T WORK ON

ANYBODY RELATED TO YOU

GENETICALLY.

>> MORTY!

[ ALL GROANING ]

>> Rick: OKAY, WELL, SOMETIMES,

SCIENCE IS MORE ART THAN

SCIENCE, MORTY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T GET THAT.

>> Jerry: [ GASPS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

COME ON. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HELLO!

>> MORTY!

>> YOU'RE NOT MORTY!

BRING US MORTY!

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> Jerry: NOBODY'S KILLING ME

UNTIL AFTER I CATCH MY WIFE WITH

ANOTHER MAN.

>> I HAD SEX WITH BILLY.

>> BUT YOU WERE ALREADY

PREGNANT!

>> YEAH, SO WHAT'S THE WORST

THAT COULD HAPPEN?

>> WE INTERRUPT "PREGNANT BABY"

WITH BREAKING NEWS.

>> Summer: [ GROANS ] COME ON.

>> THIS JUST IN MORTY SMITH'S

WHEREABOUTS ARE STILL UNKNOWN.

>> Summer: WHAT THE HELL?

>> THE ONLY THING THAT IS KNOWN

IS...HOW CUTE HE IS.

>> I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I WANT TO

MAKE LOVE TO HIM AND THEN EAT

HIS HEAD.

>> I LOVE HIM MORE THAN YOU DO,

HAROLD!

>> YOU WISH, YOU STUPID BITCH!

>> MORTY'S MINE!

>> MORTY'S MINE!

>> MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!

>> [ SPEAKING ARABIC]

MORTY!

[ SPEAKING ARABIC]

[ BANGING ON DOOR ]

>> WHERE IS MORTY?

>> Summer: [ SCREAMS ]

[ CONVERSING IN NATIVE

LANGUAGE]

>> Morty: OH, MY GOD, RICK.

THE WHOLE WORLD IS INFECTED!

>> Rick: YEAH, IT'S PRETTY WILD

HOW FAST THAT SPREAD.

I'VE REALLY OUTDONE MYSELF.

>> Morty: OUTDONE YOURSELF?!

W-W A-ARE ARE YOU KIDDING

ME, RICK?

THIS IS NOT OKAY!

NOT ONLY DO THEY ALL WANT TO

HAVE SEX WITH ME, BUT, YOU KNOW,

NOW THEY WANT TO EAT ME

AFTERWARDS!

>> Rick: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

I WAS THINKING.

MANTISES ARE THEY OPPOSITE OF

VOLES?

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, DNA's A

LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED THAN

THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH, MORTY?

THIS RIGHT HERE'S GONNA DO THE

TRICK, BABY.

IT'S KOALA MIXED WITH

RATTLESNAKE, CHIMPANZEE, CACTUS,

SHARK, GOLDEN RETRIEVER, AND

JUST A SMIDGE OF DINOSAUR.

SHOULD ADD UP TO NORMAL

HUMANITY.

>> Morty: I DON'T THAT

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, RICK.

HOW DOES THAT ADD UP TO NORMAL

HUMANITY?

>> Morty: WHAT, MORTY, YOU WANT

ME TO SHOW YOU MY MATH?

I'M SORRY A-ARE YOU THE

SCIENTIST OR ARE YOU THE KID

THAT WANTED TO GET LAID?

>> [ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

WELL, I'M GLAD WE SAVED ALL

THOSE HORSES, BUT I'M ALMOST

SORRY WE'RE FINISHED.

>> Beth: YES, IT'S SATISFYING

WORK.

>> UNH-UNH-UNH, IT'S, UH

IT'S MORE THAN THE WORK.

I LOVE BEING IN THAT STERILIZED

ROOM, SEALED OFF FROM THE WORLD.

IT'S THE ONLY TIME I CAN REALLY

THINK...AND FEEL.

[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Beth: HMM, UH, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

>> I'M PLAYING AFRICAN DREAM

POP.

WHAT DO YOUDO AFTER A LONG

NIGHT?

[ CLICK ]

>> Beth: OH, HA, UM, HEY, I B

I'D BETTER GET GOING.

UM, JERRY'S BEEN TEXTING SOME

PRETTY HIGH-MAINTENANCE STUFF.

>> BETH...

>> Beth: WHAT IS IT, DAVIN?

>> JUST ONCE, I'D LIKE TO

KNOW

[ SNEEZES ]

...W-W-WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO GIVE

YOUR SON A BATH.

>> Beth: WHAT?!

>> WHAT DOES MORTY'S SKIN SMELL

LIKE?

HOW SOFT...

[ GRUNTS ]

HOW SOFT ARE HIS PRIVATES?

>> Beth: LET GO OF ME, DAVIN!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

>> [ ROARS ]

TAKE ME TO MORTY.

>> Jerry: [ GRUNTS ]

>> YOU'RE NOT MORTY.

>> Jerry: NO.

I'M MR. CROWBAR, AND THIS IS

MY FRIEND, WHO IS ALSO A

CROWBAR.

>> THAT'S...STUPID.

>> Jerry: [ GRUNTING ]

YEAH?

WELL, LOOK WHERE BEING SMART GOT

YOU.

>> Beth: JERRY! THANK GOD!

>> Jerry: GOD?

GOD'S TURNING PEOPLE INTO INSECT

MONSTERS, BETH.

I'M THE ONE BEATING THEM TO

DEATH.

THANK ME.

>> Beth: THANK YOU, JERRY.

THANK YOU.

>> Rick: TAKE A GOOD LOOK DOWN

THERE, MORTY, AND SOAK IT IN,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, ONCE I PULL

THIS LEVER, IT'S ALL BACK TO

NORMAL.

>> Morty: JUST DO IT ALREADY.

>> Rick: WELL, TECHNICALLY,

MORTY, THERE'S NO RUSH.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, O-ONCE IT'S

FIXED, IT'S DONE.

IT'S FIXED.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD WE COULD

JUST ENJOY IT FOR A LITTLE BIT.

I MEAN, L-L-L-LOOK AT HOW CRAZY

IT IS.

I MEAN, MORTY, W-W-WHEN'S THE

NEXT TIME YOU'RE GONNA SEE

SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

I MEAN, SOAK IT IN, YOU KNOW?

IT'S IT'S PRETTY NEAT.

IT'S PRETTY INTERESTING.

>> Morty: THAT'S IT, RICK!

I'M PULLING THE LEVER.

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Rick: W-WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE,

MORTY?

LOOKS LIKE I WAS RIGHT AND YOU

WERE WRONG, HUH?

I-I-I-I-I-I-I BET YOU FEEL

PRETTY STUPID RIGHT ABOUT NOW,

HUH?

I-I-I BET YOU FEEL LIKE THE

WORLD'S SMALLEST MAN THAT YOU

WERE DOUBTING ME ABOUT THIS

WHOLE THING, MORTY.

>> Morty: OH, RICK, SOMETHING'S

NOT RIGHT.

>> Rick: [ SIGHS ]

YEAH, YOU.

YOU'RE NOT RIGHT EVER.

>> Morty: NO, NO!

LOOK, YOU IDIOT!

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

[ ALL SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

[ ALL GROANING ]

[ ALL ULULATING ]

>> Rick: BET YOU'RE LOVING THIS,

MORTY.

THIS MUST BE THE BEST DAY OF

YOUR LIFE.

YOU GET TO BE THE MAYOR OF

I TOLD YOU TOWN.

[ SLURPS ]

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[ SLURPS ]

>> Jerry: HOLD ON.

>> Beth: [ WHIMPERS ]

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL ]

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> Jerry: I WISH THAT SHOTGUN

WAS MY PENIS.

>> Beth: IF IT WERE, YOU COULD

CALL ME ERNEST HEMINGWAY.

>> Jerry: I DON'T GET IT, AND I

DON'T NEED TO.

[ BOTH MOANING ]

>> Summer: MOM! DAD!

>> Both: SUMMER!

>> Beth: [ SIGHS ]

>> Jerry: WHERE'S MORTY?

>> Summer: I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU THINK GRANDPA RICK HAD

SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS?

>> Jerry: IT'S NOT FAIR TO

ASSUME THAT, SUMMER.

>> Beth: OH, NOT FAIR?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

HE IS A SELFISH, IRRESPONSIBLE

ASS, AND HE LEFT MY MOTHER.

A REAL MAN STANDS BY HIS WOMAN.

[ BOTH MOANING ]

>> Summer: Tchoo.

Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo.

>> Rick: BOY, MORTY, I REALLY

CRONENBERGED THE WORLD UP,

DIDN'T I?

WE GOT A WHOLE PLANET OF

CRONENBERGS WALKING AROUND DOWN

THERE, MORTY.

A-AT LEAST THEY'RE NOT IN LOVE

WITH YOU ANYMORE, THOUGH.

THAT'S A HUGE STEP IN THE RIGHT

DIRECTION.

>> Morty: OH, MY GOD!

IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE!

HOW COULD YOU BE SO

IRRESPONSIBLE, RICK?

>> Rick: ME IRRESPONSIBLE?!

YOU ALL I WANTED YOU TO DO

WAS HAND ME A SCREWDRIVER,

MORTY!

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO

BE WANTED ME TO BUCKLE DOWN

AND MAKE YOU UP A...ROOFIE-JUICE

SERUM SO YOU COULD ROOFIE THAT

POOR GIRL AT YOUR SCHOOL.

I MEAN, G W-W-W-W-W W

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MORTY?

YOU'RE GONNA TRY TO TAKE THE

HIGH ROAD ON THIS ONE?

Y-Y-Y-Y-YOU'RE A LITTLE CREEP,

MORTY.

Y-YOU'RE A YOU'RE

YOU'RE YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE

CREEPY...CREEP PERSON.

>> Morty: ALL RIGHT, FINE.

I SHOULD HAVE JUST LISTENED TO

YOU WHEN YOU REFUSED TO MAKE THE

SERUM.

I'M WILLING TO ACCEPT MY PART OF

THE BLAME FOR THIS, RICK.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GOT TO ACCEPT YOUR PART OF

THE BLAME!

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO FOULED UP

THE SERUM!

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WHO

WHO WHO HAPHAZARDLY, YOU

KNOW, MIXED A BUNCH OF NONSENSE

TOGETHER AND CREATED A BUNCH OF

CRONENBERGS!

YOU GOT TO FIX THIS, RICK!

>> Morty: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

MORTY.

YOU KNOW, W-W-W-WE ARE IN A

PRETTY DEEP HOLE, HERE, BUT I DO

HAVE ONE EMERGENCY SOLUTION THAT

I CAN USE THAT'LL KIND OF PUT

EVERYTHING BACK TO NORMAL,

RELATIVELY SPEAKING.

HERE, MORTY, PUT THIS ON WHILE I

DO A LITTLE BIT OF SCOUTING.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

>> Morty: WOW, RICK, I GOT TO

SAY YOU REALLY PULLED A

RABBIT OUT OF YOUR HAT THIS

TIME.

I MEAN, I-I REALLY THOUGHT THAT

THE WHOLE PLACE WAS GONNA BE

MESSED UP FOR GOOD, BUT HERE,

YOU DID IT Y-Y-YOU YOU

YOU FIGURED OUT THAT CRAZY

SOLUTION, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

WHOO!

THAT'S SOME GREAT LUCK.

>> Rick: COME ON, MORTY.

LUCK HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I'M GREAT.

THAT'S THE REAL REASON.

NOW, MORTY, WHAT DO YOU SAY,

BUDDY?

WILL YOU HAND ME A SCREWDRIVER

SO I CAN FINISH MY IONIC DIS

DEFIBULIZER?

>> Morty: SURE THING, RICK.

HERE'S A SCREWDRIVER.

>> Rick: ALL RIGHT, MORTY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WE GOT ONE SCREW TURN...AND TWO

SCREW TURNS...AND...

ALL RIGHT, MORTY, HERE WE ARE.

>> Morty: OH, MY GOD, RICK!

IS THAT US?!

W-W-W-WE'RE DEAD!

WHAT IS GOING ON, RICK?

I'M FREAKING OUT!

>> Rick: CALM DOWN, MORTY!

LOOK AT ME! CALM DOWN, MORTY!

>> Morty: NO, I CAN'T DEAL WITH

THIS!

>> Rick: CALM YOURSELF, MORTY.

>> Morty: I CAN'T DEAL WITH

THIS, RICK!

>> Rick: CALM DOWN, MORTY.

>> Morty: THIS CAN'T BE REAL!

>> Rick: YOU GOT TO CALM DOWN,

MORTY.

>> Morty: W-W-W-W-WE'RE RIPPED

APART!

>> Rick: SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO

ME!

IT'S FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

THERE'S AN INFINITE NUMBER OF

REALITIES, MORTY, AND IN A FEW

DOZEN OF THOSE, I GOT LUCKY AND

TURNED EVERYTHING BACK TO

NORMAL.

I JUST HAD TO FIND ONE OF THOSE

REALITIES IN WHICH WE ALSO

HAPPEN TO BOTH DIE AROUND THIS

TIME.

NOW WE CAN JUST SLIP INTO THE

PLACE OF OUR DEAD SELVES IN THIS

REALITY AND EVERYTHING WILL BE

FINE.

WE'RE NOT SKIPPING A BEAT,

MORTY.

NOW, HELP ME WITH THESE BODIES.

>> Morty: THIS IS INSANE.

>> Rick: LOOK, MORTY, I'LL GRAB

MYSELF, YOU GRAB YOURSELF, OKAY?

I MEAN, T-T-T-THAT SEEMS FAIR TO

ME I MEAN, THAT SEEMS LIKE A

FAIR WAY TO DIVVY IT UP.

>> Morty: RICK, WHAT ABOUT THE

REALITY WE LEFT BEHIND?

>> Rick: WHAT ABOUT THE REALITY

WHERE HITLER CURED CANCER,

MORTY?

THE ANSWER IS DON'T THINK ABOUT

IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN DO THIS

EVERY WEEK, ANYWAYS.

WE GET THREE OR FOUR MORE OF

THESE, TOPS.

NOW, PICK UP YOUR DEAD SELF AND

COME ON.

HASTE MAKES WASTE.

I-I-I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE

CONSIDERED THIS DETAIL, BUT

OBVIOUSLY, IF I HADN'T SCREWED

UP AS MUCH AS I DID, WE'D BE

THESE GUYS RIGHT NOW, SO, AGAIN,

YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> ♪ ♪ LOOK ON DOWN FROM THE

BRIDGE ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ THERE'S STILL FOUNTAINS DOWN

THERE ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ LOOK ON DOWN FROM THE BRIDGE ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ IT'S STILL RAINING UP HERE ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ EVERYBODY SEEMS SO FAR AWAY

FROM ME ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ EVERYBODY JUST WANTS TO BE

FREE ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ LOOK AWAY FROM THE SKY ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ IT'S NO DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE

LEAVING HOME ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I CAN'T BE THE SAME THING TO

YOU NOW ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I'M JUST GONE ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ JUST GONE ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ HOW COULD I SAY GOODBYE? ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ HOW COULD I SAY GOODBYE? ♪ ♪

>> Summer: YOU KNOW, THE THING

ABOUT A SHARK...

HE'S GOT LIFELESS EYES...

BLACK EYES, LIKE A DOLL'S EYES.

WHEN HE COMES AT YA, HE DOESN'T

SEEM TO BE LIVING UNTIL HE BITES

YA, AND THEN THE THE BLOOD,

AND THE RED, AND THE WATER...

>> Jerry: [ SIGHS ]

YOU EVER WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO

RICK AND MORTY?

>> Beth: SOMETIMES.

BUT, I'M ASHAMED TO ADMIT, NOW

THAT THEY'RE GONE, I'M FINALLY

HAPPY.

>> Rick: HERE WE ARE,

CRONENBERG MORTY A REALITY

WHERE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD GOT

GENETICALLY CRONENBERGED.

WE'LL FIT RIGHT IN,

CRONENBERG MORTY.

IT'LL BE LIKE WE NEVER EVEN LEFT

CRONENBERG WORLD.

>> Morty: YEAH, CRONENBERG RICK,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA MISS

CRONENBERG WORLD, BECAUSE

EVERYONE WAS CRONENBERGED ALL

ALONG LIKE US FROM THE

BEGINNING, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I-I WISH WE HADN'T

GENETICALLY RUINED CRONENBERG

WORLD BEYOND REPAIR LIKE WE DID,

YOU KNOW, AND TURNED EVERYONE

INTO REGULAR, NORMAL PEOPLE JUST

WALKING AROUND.

>> Rick: DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT

THAT SORT OF THING,

CRONENBERG MORTY.

LET'S GO MAKE OURSELVES AT HOME,

HUH?

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