Original subtitles

JESS: I have to go.

SCHMIDT: For once in your life, don't be afraid.

(sighs)

JESS: Can anyone help me get in the building?

Jess!

♪ But I hear sounds ♪

- Come on. Come on, come on. - ♪ In my mind... ♪

Jess, where'd you go?

- Stay right there! - Stay right there!

♪ Brand new sounds... ♪

- Hey, Miller. - Hey.

♪ In my mind... ♪

(elevator bell dings)

♪ That green light, I want it ♪

- (elevator bell dings) - (song distorts, fades) _

Ti amo, Jessica.

I love you, too, Ghee.

(Jess giggles)

(indistinct announcement over P.A.)

- (speaking indistinctly) - (laughs)

MERLE: Hey. Bathroom buds.

Get lost?

Look at those horny, horny hippos.

I'm gay for you like that.

MERLE: Hey, man. Hell of a book tour.

I mean, Pepperwood's European sales are already spiking.

- Hey, have a good weekend. - See you tomorrow.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

And that's why we're capping off six months of European romance

with the most romantic destination of all.

- A three-year-old's birthday party. - (both chuckle)

Wait till everyone sees what Mama's got on her finger.

- I still can't believe it. - Me, neither.

"My name is Ruth Bader Parikh-Schmidt,

and I am three today."

Can you say that?

Daddy's butt!

Close enough. Okay, but where is Daddy's butt?

I got to get to the office.

Daddy's butt has been bleaching all outdoor playing surfaces.

You could prepare a chicken on that slide.

Oh, great. Well, I got to go help one of my models.

Ooh, don't forget the cooler.

I won't forget the cooler.

Mommy is so good at her job,

that she has to work on Saturdays.

Now Daddy is gonna do his job,

because these braids are straight-up dock ropes.

- Daddy, do the special braids. - I-I know.

They're all... honey, they're all special.

(panting): Ooh. I need a break.

Ah! I cannot believe I let you talk me into this again.

But we got to finish, 'cause Schmidt

is gonna wonder where I am.

ALY: Winston!

You rotated the mattress without me?

Again? That is my job.

Uh, baby? Listen, you really shouldn't be carrying that.

He's right. You should listen to your husband. I'll... oh.

Don't eve... Just don't.

I am seven months pregnant,

and I will rotate as many mattresses as I want.

Aly would prefer that the world treat her

like she isn't pregnant.

Oh, which reminds me.

BellyShots e-mailed me.

- Mm-mm. - Our pregnancy glamour photos are ready,

- and we got to pick one. (laughs) - (sighs)

So I'm mad at that.

I mean, how'd they...

how'd they get my e-mail?

(doorbell ringing "La Cucaracha")

- Hey! - Wait! Before hugs,

we have something we want you to see.

- Uh-huh? - It's a big deal.

We got in a Vespa accident!

- Oh... - (Jess laughs)

Look how much of my shin is missing!

It's disgusting.

Where'd your shin go, man?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Feminist icons... very sophisticated theme.

At my third birthday party, the theme was hamburgers.

Well, Ruth asked for Wonder Woman, so I ran with it,

because this party has got to be perfect.

You remember her first birthday.

Which led to a downtick in attendance

at her second birthday.

His greatest trick

was making us remember.

So this year, I invited every three-year-old

in a ten-mile radius.

And now you can relax and enjoy your daughter's birthday party?

(laughs) Yeah. Uh, sure.

"Relax and enjoy."

- You keep me young, Cece. - Mm.

Thanks. Ten years in marketing, three years in fatherhood

and six months of planning this party, I feel like

my entire life has been leading up to this very moment.

- I'm gonna go set up the booze. - Oh, no, no, no.

Booze is a last resort.

It is shocking how much

parents drink at these things.

Last week, I saw a drunk mommy take a...

take a boom boom in the bounce house.

- It was horrifying. - Ugh.

If you'll excuse me, I see a little boy over there

who doesn't understand the meaning of "upscale casual."

Okay.

He made that Pocahummus from scratch?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, he's never going back to work.

- Can I tell you something? - Mm.

I really thought you were gonna come back

- from Europe engaged. - Yeah.

It would've been nice if he'd proposed,

but you know what happens

when we start talking about the future...

we start freaking out.

If the bird's stomach's full of bread,

don't give him cheese crackers.

Can't not say it: love the nose ring.

Yeah, it was a big mistake.

- Huge. - But not as huge as the neck tattoo.

- The what now? - Yeah, neck tattoo.

I've been telling people

it stands for "Justice Shall Eventually..."

son of a bitch!

Is that who I think it is?

You invited Russell?

- My Russell? - Mm-hmm.

My former Russell, my Fancyman?

Yeah, his son's in Ruth's tumbling class.

Russell has a three-year-old?

That polecat doesn't stop.

How many kids is that?

50. From a hundred different women.

- Figure that one out. - Russell.

Hey, Jess. You look great.

Babe, there is a helium tank.

Why are you doing balloons by mouth?

Eh, I should've said that differently.

Because I can.

Listen, Snail Eyes, I love that I'm bringing a child

- into this world with you. - That is the sweetest thing...

That is the only thing I love about being pregnant.

Everything else, I hate.

My butt is sore, my back is sore.

I spend most of my day holding in farts.

So you're gonna have to pick a pregnancy photo

all by yourself, Winston.

I would rather look at Nick's shin X-rays again.

I'll go to the car and get them.

Oh, hey, Nick. Listen, um...

I need your help picking a pregnancy photo.

They're all so beautiful.

- I can't decide. - You came to the right man.

Look... skip through those. (chuckles softly)

NICK: Well, there's your winner, right there.

It's pretty obvious.

SCHMIDT: But I will, okay?

Very disappointing that you didn't bring a real monkey.

What the hell is that? You let him grow a mustache?

- Relax. It's just a mustache. - That's not just a mustache.

That's a porn star relief pitcher.

I gotta say something.

- I got to say something. - Hey, Nick.

Hey. You're gonna tell him you hate it

- on his daughter's birthday? - What do you

want me to do? You know he's gonna ask about it.

Be cool. Okay?

We'll practice.

(imitating Schmidt): Neck!

Do you favor my moose-tache?

- I hate it. - (regular voice): You'll be fine.

Okay. Okay.

- Hey, welcome back. - Yeah. Thanks.

- Good to see you. - Yep.

So?

- So? - (Winston chuckles)

See anything new?

No.

- On me? On my face? - Oh!

Y-You mean the mustache.

Any thoughts?

(quietly): I hate it.

(scoffs)

You don't... you don't mean that. (chuckles)

You've had a long journey, you need to rest.

Let's talk again when you've had some rest.

All right. Welcome back.

(chuckles) All right, man.

Because of a pending Justice Department investigation,

I can't tell you why I left Banyon Canyon.

But I can tell you European Jess is a lot more fun

than State's Witness Jess.

It sounds to me like you need a job.

You should come work for me.

I don't actually know what it is you do.

God, I was a terrible girlfriend.

Anyway, Nick and I leave

for the South American leg

of his book tour soon.

In Peru, they call Pepperwood

El Gumbo Federalé.

Wait, Nick? You're still together?

I've been married and divorced twice since I last saw you.

Yeah, well, you know, we haven't been together the whole time.

We've had ups and downs, and twists and turns,

but about three years ago, we figured it out

and we've been together ever since.

Sometimes it just takes dating your cousin

for things to really fall into place.

Wow. And you're not engaged?

Well, we just take things day by day.

You know, don't want to rush it.

That's right. You've always had that problem.

I'm sorry, what do you mean?

Well, you and Nick.

You were always terrified of moving forward.

Oh, my God.

Did you ask me before, like, when we were talking,

if we were engaged?

'Cause yes, the answer is yes. We are engaged.

There was a ring and everything,

and-and thank God, because it was the only thing

holding my finger to my hand for the entire

18-hour ambulance ride to the hospital in Warsaw.

So suck on that. Right, Billie Jean King?

- This party is a disaster. - I know.

Our guests have no questions for the panel.

Wait, no, wait, look.

- This is for anyone. - Mm-hmm.

Daddy's butt?

(children laugh)

(Schmidt groans)

It's just, this is the first birthday party

that our daughter is actually going to remember.

If it's anything less than perfect,

I'm going to hire a professional samurai

- to chop me in half. - That seems proportional.

Okay, fine. You know what? You're right.

- Let's break out the booze. - Thank you.

Put some toilet tissue in the bounce house.

Vodka Soda-Mayor. Right here.

Here you go, sir. A Rosé the Riveter.

A Ruth Bader Gin-sberg. I did that one.

You two have a good time. Have a good time.

All right.

(cell phone rings)

Oh...

BOB (on cell phone): Hey, bub. What's the holdup?

It's been six months

since I gave you my blessing.

When am I gonna hear my daughter cry?

Huh? I think I deserve to hear my daughter cry.

Bob, I'm proposing tonight.

I've been planning on doing it all along

- when we got back home to the loft. - The loft?

You visit every possible

romantic proposal spot on the planet,

and you pick that dump?

Because it's where we met, Bob.

Look, I've got a whole plan. I haven't told anybody.

So I mailed the ring from Europe.

So when we're looking at the mail, I'll say, like,

"Check this one out. This one's from Turkey.

You should open it, Jess."

You mailed my grandmother's ring from Turkey?

I hired an Au pair. He was going there, anyhow.

- A male Au pair? - Yes, a boy Au pair.

Look, look, I better get a phone call tonight

with the news that my daughter

- has a fiancé. - Bob...

I don't even care if it's not you. Okay?

- So you told Russell you're engaged. - (sighs)

Well, that's simple. I'll just tell him that I'm engaged,

so what was once interesting

will now become commonplace.

(groans) I'm so mad at myself.

But he was hectoring me. I felt completely hectored.

Forgot about "hector." That's a good word, real good word.

Which reminds me, um,

may I hector you to pick a favorite?

Hmm. Aw. Easy.

- This one. - Oh, nice.

- (scoffs) I have to fix this. - Okay.

If Nick finds out

that I told Russell we're engaged,

he's gonna spin out, and he'll tell me he's fine,

then I'll get a call a week later with him on a bus,

crying somewhere, and he's gonna ask me to marry him.

And then I'll never know if he wanted to marry me

or if he just asked me 'cause I lied to my ex

at a children's birthday party.

- That was a lot. - You know what?

I just need to march right up to Russell

and I need to tell him the truth.

- Yeah. - I can do that.

- I've been to Europe. - (whoops)

I can do anything.

- Hey, Mr. Europe. - Hey, man.

You know, I thought you were gonna propose for sure.

- I was waiting for it. - Yeah.

Uh? Look who it is.

It's Mr. Sun.

I tell you, I was sure

(in slow-mo): that you were gonna pop the question.

Instead, you just sent me a bunch of Instagram pictures.

Pasta, bread,

cheese, sorts of nonsense really.

- I mean, I get it, you're in Europe. - You have to know that's disgusting.

Relax. It'll soak in.

No, not the sunscreen. The mustache.

Your mustache is disgusting.

- Stop touching it. - I'm rubbing it in.

You're just doing the mustache. Just...

If you hate my mustache, sir, then you hate me.

That's not true. I just don't like the mustache.

It never would've happened if I was here!

It never would've happened!

Don't make this about the mustache!

(giggling, whooping)

CECE: Schmidt.

Thank you. Yep. Mm-hmm. Uh, so,

Timmy's mom just started climbing a tree

with some very high heels

and musical chairs is turning

into an adult drinking game.

- Darn it. - Yeah.

Well, at least Ruth's having fun with Maya Angelou.

Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish.

Okay, you know what, maybe you're right.

Let's get rid of the booze before everybody goes

from children's-birthday-party drunk

- to Winston-and-Aly's-wedding drunk. - -Mm.

♪ Groove on, before you go ♪

- (music stops) - Go! Go! Go!

Oh! Oh, come on, man.

You see, this is why we need a referee.

Give me my chair!

- Russell, I need to come clean. - NICK: Hey, you two.

- Hey. - Oh, hey, Nick.

- Nick, congratulations. - Hey.

NICK: Thank you, thank you. Yeah, MagaTween Magazine is calling it

"This year's longest Pepperwood."

No, I meant about the proposal.

Ah, you are such a sweetheart.

Nobody ever talks about my book proposals.

So, thank you. Some of my best work.

No, Nick, I just wanted to congratulate you

on your engagement.

The Rio de Janeiro Civic Center next month.

That sounds cool. Can I come?

- I'm in and out of Rio all the time. - It's sold out.

- It's all full? - RUSSELL: Mm, maybe next time. Look,

Nick, I just wanted to tell you how happy I am

that you're finally getting married.

Aw, screw it. Nick, I'm sorry, I told Russell we're engaged.

- That's not cool, man! - No, you're...

Settle down! Settle down

or I'm gonna turn off the music!

Try playing musical chairs with no music!

It's just chairs.

(Winston yells)

What are you doing?

Hey!

- (guests gasp) - GUEST: Oh, she's pregnant.

Stop treating me special!

Ooh... whoo!

- Nick, I can explain. - RUSSELL: Look out.

(Jess yells)

(guests gasp)

I'm sorry, Jess, she came out of nowhere.

- Hey, are you okay? - Yeah, no, I'm okay.

I'm so sorry about what I did. I just, I feel so stupid.

I was just defensive and we're happy the way we are.

I don't want you to get in your head and think we're not happy.

No, I don't, I'm great.

Jess, you do not have to worry about ol' Nicky Blue Eyes.

I'm good.

You told Russell we're engaged, that's hilarious.

- Friggin' hilarious. - Really? You're not in your head?

Because you kind of seem like you are.

I'm good. We cool. Are you cool?

- Yeah. - Table for two at the We Cool café.

(laughs) This is hilarious.

- If you say so. - (scoffs) I say so.

Cool. I'm gonna go lie on Ruth's bed and pretend I'm a giant.

(laughing): Like a friggin' giant.

Wow, this got away from us fast.

Oh, excuse me. Where is Schmidt?

What could possibly be more important?

I know why you hate my mustache.

You look at me and see a stay-at-home father.

Just like I look at you and see a globe-trotting author

who has thrice appeared on Book TV's

- Watchu Readin' with PP Jilbi. - Yeah.

Have our lives changed? Yeah, sure they have.

- But, like my mustache... - There's no deeper level.

I don't like your mustache

because I think it looks ugly on your face.

There's always a deeper level, Nick.

- There's no deeper level. - There's always a deeper level, Nick!

That's what I'm saying, there's no deeper level!

There's always a deeper level, Nick!

(door closes)

Fine, Schmidt.

I hate your mustache

because I miss your upper lip. Okay?

You happy now?

- (door shuts) - No, Nick, not happy now.

Happy forever.

Ugh. I can't wait to lie down.

What? Are you crazy?

We got all this mail to open. Let's open it, I'll lay it out.

But it's, like, 4:00 a.m. for us.

And a grown woman just fell on me.

Well, let's just open one to get the mailman off our backs.

- Okay. - I mean, not that one.

That's not the one to pick.

Pick one that looks really cool and interesting, right?

That one? Not that one. I'm gonna open this one.

You want to open an appointment reminder from my gynecologist?

Yes, of course I do.

I like to keep track of you and what's going on with your thing.

So just... pick one that... You know what,

I'm gonna pick one. Do you mind if I pick one for you?

Is that weird? I'll just pick one.

H-How about this one?

Oh, this one's from Turkey. How mysterious.

You want to open that one?

- Sure. - (chuckles)

(knock at door)

I'm gonna get that. Will you wait? 'Cause I'm-I'm...

Just please wait. Thanks.

Russell, what are you doing here?

Well, I would've called, but my ex-wife

deleted all the female numbers from my phone.

Might've been nice to say good-bye

to my aunt before she passed.

Anyway, Jess. Uh, can we, uh... can we talk?

Uh, we're a little bit busy. We're opening mail right now.

It's only gonna take a minute, Nick.

Sure. We'll be opening mail

- before you know it. - But don't open that one.

It might have a bomb in it.

So...

Okay.

- Okay. Thanks. - Come on in.

How'd you even know we still lived here?

- I just knew. - Ooh. Russy.

This used to be Nick's room, but now it's his home office.

Listen, about earlier today, when I lied about me and Nick...

Jess, I don't think I can spend another second of my day

and possibly my life talking about you and Nick.

Oh. Most people find us adorable, but okay.

Come to work for me.

I was being serious earlier.

I've spent a year looking for the right person,

and I think you'd be perfect.

I know you're planning a trip, so hear me out.

- I'd... - Wait.

I don't know what you do, still. (chuckles)

Yes. I was going to cover that in the "hear me out" portion.

I think at our kid's party, we go cash bar.

Cash bar would solve a lot of problems.

Yeah. Coach, listen, I'm still waiting for your vote for those pictures

that I sent you, so...

Winston, just pick your favorite.

Baby, they're all my favorite. Why can't you see

that you being pregnant has made you

more beautiful than ever?

You know what? Fine. I'll pick one, okay?

Oh, my God, I am beautiful.

Mother Earth. Creator. Giver of life.

Give that life.

I'm a walking miracle with magic inside.

Well, I mean, it happens to a lot of people,

so it's not really a miracle, but I get it.

Look at that body. And there's a human inside of it?

- Yeah. - Why have you been so casual about that?

This is crazy, babe.

W-What are you doing just sitting there?

Get a chair. Help me get off my feet.

I've got the beginning of our family in here.

- (sighs) - Baby, can I get you anything?

- Anything at all? - Yes!

Like what?

- Everything. - Coming right up.

JESS: Bye, Russell.

NICK: Hey. Did he like my home office?

Yes. He said it reminded him of his home office.

Well, that's because I copied his home office exactly.

- Uh, now onto the mail. - Oh, wait.

He offered me a job. He's starting

an education-based nonprofit and wants me to run it.

But I wouldn't be able to go

- with you to South America. - Who cares?

You should take that job. It's a big opportunity.

Do you want to open the mail? Let's just see what's inside.

- Just open it. - Okay.

I'm wondering if you'll get excited.

Oh, come on.

Sorry, we have to do the cake at your house.

Someone stole all our knives.

- Hi, Uncle Nick. - And a nightstand.

Uh, I'm sorry, you guys can't be here.

We're opening mail right now.

Nick's really into mail all of a sudden.

You never know what Europe's gonna do to a guy.

Yeah, so... Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

You guys will never believe what's happening right now.

Okay, fine, I'll tell you.

Aly is taking a nap.

I was watching her, and then I left, and...

(laughs)

That's one big-ass cake.

I guess we're gonna open mail in front of everybody.

NICK: Great. Uh...

Jess, you want to go ahead?

Yeah.

I just want to say we really missed you guys.

And Nick, I don't need to be married to know who we are.

- Really? - Really.

I love you, and I love our life together,

and I don't want anything to change.

And the moment that someone suggested

that we weren't where we should be, I went crazy.

Because we're great.

And why risk messing that up?

We don't need to get married,

and that's okay with us. Right, Nick?

Yeah, right. (chuckles)

So, let's see what Turkey wants.

Ah, enough of that. Give me that.

Who cares what Turkey wants?

Cake beats mail. We got a hungry birthday girl

right here, I don't want to bore her

- with foreign mail. - I like mail.

Oh, you don't know what you like. You're three years old.

(chuckles) Excuse me.

I got to go wash my hands. I've been in Europe.

SCHMIDT: Is he suggesting

that he hasn't washed his hands since Europe?

Bob, I can't do it tonight.

(groans)

I'm sorry, but this thing

has been ten years in the making,

and everything about the proposal has to be perfect.

- And I'll know when the time is right. - You know what?

I'm rescinding my blessing.

You want to marry my daughter? You got to resubmit

for a new blessing.

And it better be as good as the first time you asked.

(sighs) Okay.

Bob, I am in love with your daughter,

and I will be for the rest of my life.

I want to ask her to marry me,

but only with your blessing.

All right, all right. Yeah, y-you got it.

But this time there's a time limit on it.

One month. You hear me?

- One month! - One month.

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Dear Ruth ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(all cheer)

- (laughs) - Good job, baby.

- Hey, hey. - Good job.

♪ Never lived for nobody ♪

♪ But I live for you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Babe, lost in love ♪

♪ Is what I feel ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ Maybe it's the way you touch me ♪

♪ With the warmth of a sun ♪

♪ Maybe it's the way you smile ♪

♪ I come all undone ♪

♪ Ooh, baby... ♪

It's so great having everyone back in the loft.

I hope this never ends.

♪ Feel ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com