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1
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My name is Chip. Life's been
knocking me on my butt lately.
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My best friend died out of nowhere.
3
00:00:06,689 --> 00:00:08,578
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
4
00:00:08,603 --> 00:00:10,829
- And my wife, well...
- Your girl's pregnant.
5
00:00:11,156 --> 00:00:13,118
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years,
6
00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,577
but it's helped so many,
and I needed help.
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I've decided to live my life
8
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100% by the Bible.
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To the letter.
10
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I get that reaction a lot.
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But with the help of my God Squad,
12
00:00:24,375 --> 00:00:25,854
I'm becoming a better man,
13
00:00:25,958 --> 00:00:27,237
one verse at a time.
14
00:00:27,598 --> 00:00:29,773
I am living biblically.
15
00:00:34,607 --> 00:00:37,767
Guys, guess who's
becoming a better person?
16
00:00:38,395 --> 00:00:41,928
I don't know, Chip. Is it the guy
aggressively bragging in my face?
17
00:00:41,977 --> 00:00:43,816
You got it.
18
00:00:45,881 --> 00:00:47,834
You know the Bible says
to be humble, right?
19
00:00:48,017 --> 00:00:51,092
Mm. So does multiplatinum
recording artist Kendrick Lamar.
20
00:00:53,131 --> 00:00:54,190
Well, this is true.
21
00:00:54,215 --> 00:00:57,300
And, uh, I am living 100% by the Bible,
22
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,102
so no more bragging, okay?
23
00:00:59,531 --> 00:01:00,868
Gonna be tricky, though,
'cause it's pretty much
24
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all awesome all the time over here.
25
00:01:03,752 --> 00:01:05,118
Wish I could say the same.
26
00:01:05,621 --> 00:01:08,752
Last night, my dog ate my weed gummies.
27
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Neither of us had the
night we'd hoped for.
28
00:01:20,590 --> 00:01:22,208
So, Chip, uh... Mm?
29
00:01:22,571 --> 00:01:25,505
...my barbershop quartet
is playing here next week.
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00:01:25,616 --> 00:01:27,268
- Mm-hmm?
- I sent you an Evite,
31
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and, uh, you didn't get back
to ? Me-me-me-me-me... ?
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A barbershop quartet invite?
No, I-I didn't get it.
33
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Well, I got a notification
that you opened it.
34
00:01:41,740 --> 00:01:42,939
Huh.
35
00:01:43,198 --> 00:01:45,031
Well, now, I was hacked recently.
36
00:01:46,156 --> 00:01:47,259
Russians, you think, maybe?
37
00:01:47,284 --> 00:01:49,094
Yeah, yeah. Probably the Russians.
38
00:01:50,023 --> 00:01:51,931
Well, now you know about it.
You gonna be there?
39
00:01:52,506 --> 00:01:54,564
I don't know, man. You know, I...
40
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:57,947
I mean, I'm-a have to deal with
this whole hacking situation.
41
00:01:58,437 --> 00:02:00,752
And, um, oh! Plus,
42
00:02:01,012 --> 00:02:03,779
you know what? I have a dentist
appointment at that same time.
43
00:02:04,555 --> 00:02:06,725
You-you have a 9:00 p.m.
dental appointment?
44
00:02:07,403 --> 00:02:08,795
Yep. Mm-hmm.
45
00:02:08,821 --> 00:02:10,547
- It's a night dentist.
- Oh.
46
00:02:10,572 --> 00:02:11,905
- Really?
- Yeah.
47
00:02:12,036 --> 00:02:13,044
What's his name?
48
00:02:13,326 --> 00:02:14,794
Uh, her name?
49
00:02:16,497 --> 00:02:17,863
Interesting that you just assume
50
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only men could be night dentists.
51
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:21,506
Can you believe this guy, Gil?
52
00:02:21,531 --> 00:02:23,100
What's the name, Chip?
53
00:02:25,715 --> 00:02:27,662
It's, uh, uh, you know...
54
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,781
Rebecca Cavity, DDS.
55
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Come on, Chip.
For a guy who was just bragging
56
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,695
about living 100% by the Bible,
57
00:02:35,038 --> 00:02:37,572
you forgot
"thou shalt not bear false witness."
58
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Hmm. Is that what
"don't bear false witness" means?
59
00:02:39,891 --> 00:02:41,123
No lying?
60
00:02:42,032 --> 00:02:43,471
I did not know that.
61
00:02:43,908 --> 00:02:45,341
Yeah, you did, Chip.
62
00:02:50,118 --> 00:02:51,458
You know, I have to say,
63
00:02:52,001 --> 00:02:54,628
I've always thought of myself
as a pretty honest guy, but...
64
00:02:54,944 --> 00:02:58,347
Gene and Gil made me realize that I
have just been lying all the time.
65
00:02:58,489 --> 00:02:59,555
How'd they do that?
66
00:02:59,682 --> 00:03:02,511
Well, I lied to them, and they noticed,
and then they called me a liar.
67
00:03:02,873 --> 00:03:04,439
But I'm done.
68
00:03:04,534 --> 00:03:06,563
No more lies of any kind for me.
69
00:03:06,917 --> 00:03:08,763
Huh. Wow. No more lying?
70
00:03:09,193 --> 00:03:10,576
Well, I can't be mad at that.
71
00:03:11,093 --> 00:03:12,549
I assume I will at some point, but...
72
00:03:14,006 --> 00:03:15,873
Aw. Did you make me eggs?
73
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Yup.
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Oops. That was a lie.
75
00:03:21,405 --> 00:03:23,598
I made them for me,
but here, I don't want them.
76
00:03:23,623 --> 00:03:25,968
Ugh. That was also a lie.
77
00:03:25,993 --> 00:03:28,694
I want them very much,
but only one of us is pregnant,
78
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so here, have them.
79
00:03:30,748 --> 00:03:32,490
This is gonna be hard for you.
80
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But so much fun for me.
81
00:03:33,749 --> 00:03:34,914
Mm-hmm.
82
00:03:34,939 --> 00:03:37,700
Now I can ask you anything I've
always wanted to know the truth about.
83
00:03:37,725 --> 00:03:39,481
Ha-ha. Okay. Great.
84
00:03:39,997 --> 00:03:42,420
From now on, I am an open book.
85
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Stop staring at my eggs.
86
00:03:47,248 --> 00:03:48,254
Okay.
87
00:03:48,783 --> 00:03:52,469
When I text you a joke,
and you text me back "LOL"...
88
00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:54,660
- Mm-hmm.
- ...are you really laughing out loud?
89
00:03:54,983 --> 00:03:56,161
I smile sometimes.
90
00:03:57,380 --> 00:03:59,388
Uh-huh. Do you really not
know how to do laundry,
91
00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:00,746
or do you just not want to do it?
92
00:04:00,956 --> 00:04:03,551
No, I truly have no
idea how to do laundry.
93
00:04:05,098 --> 00:04:07,008
Did you really shave
your chest last year
94
00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:09,033
because it made clothes
more comfortable?
95
00:04:09,316 --> 00:04:11,110
No. I just wanted to
see what it looked like,
96
00:04:11,135 --> 00:04:12,734
and I loved what it looked like.
97
00:04:14,548 --> 00:04:16,513
Here's some truth for you: I did not.
98
00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:20,802
See? This is liberating. I love this.
Next question.
99
00:04:20,982 --> 00:04:22,607
Do you find my sister attractive?
100
00:04:26,039 --> 00:04:28,287
You're going straight from
manscaping to your hot sister?
101
00:04:28,312 --> 00:04:29,365
I didn't say "hot."
102
00:04:30,151 --> 00:04:31,917
And I think that's enough questions.
103
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I am loving this.
104
00:04:34,223 --> 00:04:36,088
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, look, I'm late for work.
105
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Don't forget we got that date with Vince
106
00:04:37,571 --> 00:04:38,818
and his new girlfriend tonight.
107
00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:41,485
That's tonight? I was supposed to
have dinner with Linda from work.
108
00:04:41,510 --> 00:04:42,766
Oh, yeah? Big Linda?
109
00:04:42,791 --> 00:04:43,990
No. I wish.
110
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:46,425
- Weird Linda.
- Oh.
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00:04:46,528 --> 00:04:48,629
The one who sounds like
a chipmunk on helium.
112
00:04:49,761 --> 00:04:52,310
Why did you make dinner plans
with somebody you don't like?
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00:04:52,539 --> 00:04:54,305
Because she does all the
scheduling at work.
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And if I don't act like I like her,
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I'll be working every night,
weekend and holiday.
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00:04:58,207 --> 00:05:00,188
I'd rather hang out
with you tonight, babe.
117
00:05:00,527 --> 00:05:02,235
I mean, I'll just make something up.
118
00:05:02,431 --> 00:05:05,287
I see. So, you got yourself
into this because of a lie,
119
00:05:05,312 --> 00:05:07,443
and now you're gonna use
another lie to get out of it?
120
00:05:07,537 --> 00:05:09,292
After that great honesty
breakthrough we just had,
121
00:05:09,317 --> 00:05:10,995
while you were pigging out on my eggs?
122
00:05:11,723 --> 00:05:13,588
That's right. I just need
to think of an excuse
123
00:05:13,613 --> 00:05:15,057
I haven't used on her before.
124
00:05:15,291 --> 00:05:17,658
Well, look, if you want to keep lying,
that's your decision.
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00:05:17,738 --> 00:05:19,088
I am sticking with the truth.
126
00:05:19,437 --> 00:05:21,637
Which reminds me, I
have another question.
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00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:23,479
On your bachelor party
trip to Thailand...
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Okeydoke.
129
00:05:37,417 --> 00:05:38,465
Hey.
130
00:05:39,688 --> 00:05:41,239
Geez, Chip. You so late,
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you might want to take a pregnancy test.
132
00:05:44,232 --> 00:05:45,765
You and Leslie psyched about tonight?
133
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You're gonna love Emily.
134
00:05:47,395 --> 00:05:49,254
She's smart, she's funny.
135
00:05:49,577 --> 00:05:50,754
I'm really serious about her.
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I'm cleaning my apartment twice a week.
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I bought a lamp.
138
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What? IKEA?
139
00:05:55,845 --> 00:05:56,853
Pier 1.
140
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:59,178
Wow. Yeah.
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00:05:59,477 --> 00:06:00,973
Well, we can't wait to meet her, man.
142
00:06:00,998 --> 00:06:02,164
And, uh, that's the truth,
143
00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:04,633
because as per the Bible,
I am no longer lying.
144
00:06:04,763 --> 00:06:06,329
- Sounds like a great idea.
- Uh-huh.
145
00:06:06,416 --> 00:06:07,649
I am lying.
146
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:10,503
You just getting in, Chip?
147
00:06:10,528 --> 00:06:12,644
Is there a good reason why
you're 40 minutes late?
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00:06:13,514 --> 00:06:15,029
A good reason?
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00:06:16,130 --> 00:06:17,802
- No.
- Huh?
150
00:06:19,169 --> 00:06:20,247
What?
151
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,146
So then, why are you late?
152
00:06:23,141 --> 00:06:25,330
Well, the truth is,
my sheets were super snuggly,
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00:06:25,355 --> 00:06:26,814
and I didn't want to get out of bed.
154
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,852
I don't know what you're
doing, but stop it.
155
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Because you are throwing me off.
156
00:06:31,886 --> 00:06:33,774
I don't even know why
I came down here now.
157
00:06:34,509 --> 00:06:36,665
I have stopped lying, Ms. Meadows.
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00:06:36,978 --> 00:06:39,032
You see, in the Ten Commandments,
they state that...
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I command you to shut the hell up, Chip.
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00:06:43,088 --> 00:06:44,554
Folks!
161
00:06:44,798 --> 00:06:47,360
The staff is going through some changes.
162
00:06:47,629 --> 00:06:50,726
As you know, Cheryl's
cat got tail cancer.
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00:06:51,435 --> 00:06:54,687
So she's taking some time off to give it
"Che-meow-therapy."
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00:06:56,351 --> 00:06:59,452
We have somebody new coming in
to check out the office today.
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00:06:59,719 --> 00:07:01,252
Doug Rakhe.
166
00:07:01,590 --> 00:07:03,214
Now, he is fielding
167
00:07:03,291 --> 00:07:07,748
quite a few offers, but I want
him to be our new sports writer.
168
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,342
Maybe you've heard about
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00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:11,714
his insanely popular sports column,
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00:07:11,786 --> 00:07:12,988
"Doug's Balls"?
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00:07:13,056 --> 00:07:14,689
- I love "Doug's Balls."
- Oh, me, too.
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00:07:14,848 --> 00:07:16,256
Every guy loves "Doug's Balls."
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00:07:17,218 --> 00:07:18,467
Women do, too, Chip.
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00:07:19,159 --> 00:07:20,792
Oh! Here he is now.
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Everybody, meet Doug.
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'Sup, y'all?
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Welcome.
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00:07:25,596 --> 00:07:27,663
I'd just like you to
get to know everybody.
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And make him feel at home,
folks. Okay?
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00:07:30,379 --> 00:07:32,145
When I open up our newspaper,
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00:07:32,311 --> 00:07:34,945
I want to see "Doug's Balls" in my face.
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00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:38,186
Hey, we love your column.
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00:07:38,211 --> 00:07:39,789
Yeah. You're really killing it, man.
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00:07:39,814 --> 00:07:42,081
Ah, killing it? I don't know.
You tell me.
185
00:07:42,106 --> 00:07:43,972
I arrived in an UberXL.
186
00:07:45,458 --> 00:07:47,354
I was a contestant on Jeopardy! once.
187
00:07:47,416 --> 00:07:49,260
What is "came in second"?
188
00:07:51,068 --> 00:07:52,769
Yeah, I started my own line of vodka
189
00:07:52,794 --> 00:07:54,927
with The Rock... 's assistant.
190
00:07:54,952 --> 00:07:57,205
Ah. The Rock's assistant.
191
00:07:57,230 --> 00:07:59,115
What's his name, "The Pebble"?
You know, 'cause of the...
192
00:07:59,140 --> 00:08:01,007
We don't joke about The Rock.
193
00:08:03,909 --> 00:08:05,610
Well, hey. How you doing?
194
00:08:05,931 --> 00:08:07,063
Chip. Huh?
195
00:08:07,183 --> 00:08:09,399
You may have heard of my column.
"Living Biblically"?
196
00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:14,933
And this is Vince. He's, uh,
the best crime reporter in the city.
197
00:08:15,392 --> 00:08:16,525
Well, that's not true.
198
00:08:16,559 --> 00:08:18,225
He's the best crime reporter here.
199
00:08:18,305 --> 00:08:19,759
Well, actually, Becky's pretty good.
200
00:08:19,784 --> 00:08:21,217
Just say I'm the crime reporter.
201
00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:24,031
Hey, Ms. Meadows made
me a pretty dope offer,
202
00:08:24,056 --> 00:08:26,690
so I guess things are
popping off around here.
203
00:08:26,948 --> 00:08:28,202
They are, right?
204
00:08:28,236 --> 00:08:30,007
Wait, does "popping
off" mean good or bad?
205
00:08:30,149 --> 00:08:32,215
Good. Oh, well, then, no,
we're doing real bad.
206
00:08:32,959 --> 00:08:35,488
I mean, we have to share our
bathroom with a falafel restaurant.
207
00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:37,926
The good news is the falafels
are really delicious, though.
208
00:08:38,042 --> 00:08:40,028
Oh, that's a lie; they
taste like fried sand.
209
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,262
Vince, help me out here?
210
00:08:41,309 --> 00:08:43,543
Why don't you ask Becky,
since you love her so much?
211
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,126
Is there anything good about this place?
212
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,329
I'm pretty great.
213
00:08:47,430 --> 00:08:49,029
Well, honestly, I can be a bit much.
214
00:08:53,969 --> 00:08:56,587
You know, telling the truth
is a lot like skinny-dipping.
215
00:08:56,653 --> 00:08:58,446
At first, it's a little uncomfortable,
216
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,235
but then after you get
used to it, it's like,
217
00:09:00,260 --> 00:09:01,627
"Why isn't everybody doing this?"
218
00:09:02,336 --> 00:09:04,211
Do you know anything about
Vince's girlfriend?
219
00:09:04,236 --> 00:09:05,252
Mm-mm.
220
00:09:05,277 --> 00:09:07,138
- I hope she's better than the last one.
- Ugh.
221
00:09:07,163 --> 00:09:09,052
Well, he doesn't have the
greatest track record.
222
00:09:09,077 --> 00:09:10,210
I mean, remember Liana?
223
00:09:10,382 --> 00:09:11,938
And every time something bad happened,
224
00:09:11,963 --> 00:09:14,344
she'd always go, "Aw, sad panda."
225
00:09:16,113 --> 00:09:19,309
Yeah. I was feeling real "sad panda"
by the end of that night.
226
00:09:21,671 --> 00:09:23,552
But I'll tell you,
this does sound different.
227
00:09:23,745 --> 00:09:26,029
He-he seems pretty serious.
He went out and bought a lamp.
228
00:09:26,054 --> 00:09:27,123
- IKEA?
- Pier 1.
229
00:09:27,617 --> 00:09:29,017
Wow.
230
00:09:29,121 --> 00:09:30,131
Hey, guys.
231
00:09:30,156 --> 00:09:31,186
- Hey.
- Hi.
232
00:09:31,211 --> 00:09:32,877
This is Emily.
233
00:09:33,592 --> 00:09:35,907
This... is the woman I'm dating.
234
00:09:37,470 --> 00:09:39,662
Hi, Emily. I'm Chip.
So nice to meet you.
235
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:40,926
Hi, new friend.
236
00:09:41,030 --> 00:09:42,596
Are you on Instagram?
237
00:09:43,596 --> 00:09:45,039
Would you mind giving me a follow?
238
00:09:45,064 --> 00:09:48,132
Unless you already do,
in which case, blessings.
239
00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:52,152
She has 90,000 followers.
240
00:09:52,326 --> 00:09:56,055
That means 89,999 people want to be me.
241
00:09:58,059 --> 00:09:59,180
Oh, uh... uh, babe,
242
00:09:59,205 --> 00:10:01,539
it's called a selfie, not an "us-ie."
243
00:10:01,678 --> 00:10:03,277
You get it.
244
00:10:03,552 --> 00:10:06,221
I'm gonna go see if the lighting's
any better in the bathroom, boo.
245
00:10:08,672 --> 00:10:10,972
So, what do you think?
246
00:10:10,997 --> 00:10:12,199
She's pretty great, huh?
247
00:10:12,497 --> 00:10:14,131
- Truthfully...
- I'm gonna see why those drinks
248
00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,417
are taking so long.
249
00:10:15,442 --> 00:10:16,972
Wait a minute. We didn't order drinks.
250
00:10:16,997 --> 00:10:18,363
That's the problem.
251
00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:20,107
What's wrong with her?
252
00:10:20,132 --> 00:10:21,598
Oh, she left because she thinks
253
00:10:21,623 --> 00:10:23,027
this is about to get super awkward.
254
00:10:23,052 --> 00:10:24,886
Why would she think it's
gonna get super awkward?
255
00:10:24,978 --> 00:10:26,477
Because she knows
256
00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:28,361
I have to be honest
with you about Emily.
257
00:10:28,806 --> 00:10:29,877
And why is that a problem?
258
00:10:32,559 --> 00:10:34,259
She kind of sucks, Vince.
259
00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:37,361
Any questions about the menu, guys?
260
00:10:37,451 --> 00:10:38,790
Oh, it's not really a great time.
261
00:10:38,815 --> 00:10:40,727
- Is everything okay?
- Not really.
262
00:10:41,101 --> 00:10:43,002
My best friend just told
me my girlfriend sucks.
263
00:10:43,027 --> 00:10:45,430
I had to because of the Bible.
264
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:47,960
Well, this is gonna be a fun table.
265
00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:51,140
Wait, I don't get it, man.
266
00:10:51,220 --> 00:10:52,953
Emily is way better
than my last girlfriend
267
00:10:53,197 --> 00:10:54,629
and you said you loved her.
268
00:10:54,686 --> 00:10:56,731
Right, because that's
back when I could lie.
269
00:10:57,072 --> 00:10:58,793
- You didn't love Liana?
- No.
270
00:10:59,297 --> 00:11:01,200
- Did you love any of my girlfriends?
- No.
271
00:11:01,365 --> 00:11:03,398
- You don't have to think about it?
- No.
272
00:11:04,073 --> 00:11:05,992
Look, I-I-I'm sorry, Vince.
273
00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:08,006
I'm not trying to be mean here,
but the truth is
274
00:11:08,031 --> 00:11:09,597
I just really think
you're dating this woman
275
00:11:09,622 --> 00:11:12,156
because of the way she makes
you look and, come on, man.
276
00:11:12,181 --> 00:11:13,714
I think you can do better.
277
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:19,089
Oh, my God. My bathroom selfie
was just liked by David Spade.
278
00:11:20,005 --> 00:11:22,432
You see that? David Spade likes Emily.
279
00:11:23,828 --> 00:11:25,244
Let's go. Say good-bye to Chip.
280
00:11:25,281 --> 00:11:26,361
- Ah...
- Who's Chip?
281
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:27,997
And wasn't there a
girl over here before?
282
00:11:28,185 --> 00:11:29,668
Come on. Vince!
283
00:11:29,693 --> 00:11:31,356
Chip, we have a huge problem.
284
00:11:31,381 --> 00:11:33,347
Yes, I know. Vince is super pissed.
285
00:11:33,372 --> 00:11:36,574
- No. Linda is here, from work.
- Oh, Big Linda?
286
00:11:36,656 --> 00:11:38,298
Would I be panicked if
Big Linda was here?
287
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:40,242
I love Big Linda. Weird Linda is here.
288
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,921
- Oh.
- And I told her I had to cancel tonight
289
00:11:41,946 --> 00:11:43,257
because you had food poisoning.
290
00:11:43,282 --> 00:11:45,770
- I don't have food poisoning.
- I know! Let's get out of here.
291
00:11:45,999 --> 00:11:48,442
Uh... Leslie?
292
00:11:48,710 --> 00:11:51,477
Hi. Hi, Linda.
293
00:11:52,048 --> 00:11:53,541
And Chip?
294
00:11:55,212 --> 00:11:57,779
Don't you have food poisoning?
295
00:12:02,914 --> 00:12:05,140
I... do...
296
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:08,410
not have food poisoning.
297
00:12:08,435 --> 00:12:10,001
Ugh. Sad panda.
298
00:12:17,307 --> 00:12:21,000
I-I just never realized
how much I needed to lie.
299
00:12:21,717 --> 00:12:24,529
Now my wife's in trouble at work
and my best friend hates me.
300
00:12:25,388 --> 00:12:26,709
I still love you, baby.
301
00:12:28,516 --> 00:12:30,037
Found my gummies.
302
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:34,705
Well, thanks, Gracie. I-I love you, too.
303
00:12:34,786 --> 00:12:36,620
Keep it in your pants, Chip.
304
00:12:39,143 --> 00:12:41,910
I mean, are any of the Bible rules fun?
305
00:12:42,810 --> 00:12:45,396
Isn't there, like, a...
water park section?
306
00:12:47,299 --> 00:12:48,810
There's some flooding.
307
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:54,186
I mean, how do you guys tell
the truth at all times?
308
00:12:54,211 --> 00:12:56,110
Oh, we don't. No.
309
00:12:57,534 --> 00:12:58,534
That'd be crazy.
310
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:00,511
I mean, we try to,
of course, but, you know...
311
00:13:00,536 --> 00:13:02,636
- We-we don't want everyone to hate us.
- Yeah.
312
00:13:03,376 --> 00:13:05,703
Which is what's happening
to you, so you get it.
313
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,920
Look, there are certain must-lie
situations in life, Chip.
314
00:13:10,018 --> 00:13:12,885
I told my wife the truth
about her haircut once,
315
00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:16,992
and, well, let's just say
I "fell" down the stairs.
316
00:13:19,620 --> 00:13:22,902
I mean, even-even priests
and rabbis understand
317
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,526
that you can't always tell the truth.
318
00:13:24,778 --> 00:13:26,411
Like the time we lied when you asked
319
00:13:26,436 --> 00:13:28,136
if you have a feminine sneeze.
320
00:13:29,502 --> 00:13:31,272
Would've hurt your
feelings if we told you
321
00:13:31,297 --> 00:13:33,108
that you sneeze like
a tiny, little girl.
322
00:13:34,961 --> 00:13:36,130
Oh, okay.
323
00:13:36,155 --> 00:13:38,317
What, like you guys sneeze so cool?
324
00:13:39,105 --> 00:13:40,666
See? It hurt your feelings.
325
00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:42,284
Just like when you lied to Gil
326
00:13:42,309 --> 00:13:44,174
about his barbershop quartet show.
327
00:13:44,325 --> 00:13:46,338
I mean, come on, nobody
wants to go to that thing.
328
00:13:50,757 --> 00:13:52,032
Except me.
329
00:13:53,373 --> 00:13:54,606
Well, you know what,
330
00:13:54,631 --> 00:13:56,764
the Bible doesn't say,
"Thou shalt tell the truth
331
00:13:56,789 --> 00:13:58,038
when it's convenient." Right?
332
00:13:58,332 --> 00:14:00,601
So, I am, I am gonna try my best
333
00:14:00,626 --> 00:14:02,960
to just stick with being
honest at all times.
334
00:14:03,145 --> 00:14:05,131
Fine. Commendable even.
335
00:14:05,753 --> 00:14:07,506
But if you don't have
anything nice to say,
336
00:14:07,588 --> 00:14:09,455
maybe shut your mouth.
337
00:14:10,111 --> 00:14:12,044
Yeah, but see, isn't
that a lie of omission?
338
00:14:12,069 --> 00:14:13,935
Shut your mouth, Chip.
339
00:14:16,849 --> 00:14:17,913
All right, well,
340
00:14:18,199 --> 00:14:20,966
thanks for the guidance
and I will shut my mouth
341
00:14:21,140 --> 00:14:23,453
as soon as I open it twice
more just to fix things
342
00:14:23,478 --> 00:14:24,877
with my wife and my best friend.
343
00:14:27,235 --> 00:14:28,534
Bless you, ma'am.
344
00:14:40,412 --> 00:14:42,237
- Can we talk?
- I'm not talking to you.
345
00:14:42,809 --> 00:14:44,746
Come on, man. Are you serious?
346
00:14:44,779 --> 00:14:47,325
Chip, I am more serious
than a comedy on Amazon.
347
00:14:51,505 --> 00:14:53,705
Look, there's got to be a reason
348
00:14:53,831 --> 00:14:55,838
that this lying commandment exists.
349
00:14:56,214 --> 00:14:59,915
And I really believe that
it's because in the long run,
350
00:15:00,027 --> 00:15:01,792
we're just better off with the truth.
351
00:15:02,088 --> 00:15:04,030
Is this gonna turn into
an apology anytime soon?
352
00:15:04,166 --> 00:15:07,734
Yes. I am sorry, Vince. Okay?
353
00:15:07,996 --> 00:15:09,862
Look, man, I just want you to be happy
354
00:15:09,887 --> 00:15:12,757
and I don't think you would be with
that Emily girl. You deserve better.
355
00:15:13,674 --> 00:15:15,054
I appreciate that.
356
00:15:15,169 --> 00:15:16,501
And just so you know,
357
00:15:16,526 --> 00:15:18,040
I haven't loved all the
women you've dated, either.
358
00:15:18,065 --> 00:15:19,231
Like that Jenny girl.
359
00:15:19,256 --> 00:15:20,622
Oh, Jenny was cool.
360
00:15:20,647 --> 00:15:22,379
She got you into a pyramid scheme.
361
00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:24,779
Yeah, but I made a little money.
362
00:15:25,012 --> 00:15:27,313
Yeah, because I was underneath
you on the pyramid.
363
00:15:29,042 --> 00:15:31,167
But I was still nice enough
to lie to you about her.
364
00:15:31,370 --> 00:15:33,018
Well, I wish you hadn't.
365
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:34,553
Maybe if you were honest with me,
366
00:15:34,578 --> 00:15:36,014
I might have met Leslie sooner.
367
00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:37,928
And hey, that's all I
want for you, okay?
368
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:39,970
I just want you to meet your Leslie.
369
00:15:41,632 --> 00:15:42,854
Okay, I can't argue with that.
370
00:15:44,149 --> 00:15:45,961
But you could've let me
have sex with her for,
371
00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:47,516
I don't know, another ten years?
372
00:15:51,110 --> 00:15:52,215
Wait, you broke up?
373
00:15:52,305 --> 00:15:55,773
Yeah. Your whole honesty
thing got me being honest,
374
00:15:56,118 --> 00:15:58,091
and I told her that it
bothered me that she posted
375
00:15:58,116 --> 00:16:00,888
32 pictures last night and I
wasn't in a single one of them.
376
00:16:02,271 --> 00:16:04,849
Then she got honest and told
me I was bad for her brand.
377
00:16:06,028 --> 00:16:08,280
And then I'm pretty sure she
went to David Spade's place.
378
00:16:10,046 --> 00:16:11,397
Hi, Pinocchio.
379
00:16:12,228 --> 00:16:13,999
Hi. Uh, you know,
380
00:16:14,024 --> 00:16:16,284
that's not really an accurate
nickname, Ms. Meadows.
381
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,409
Pinocchio did lie.
382
00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:19,165
Otherwise, his nose
would've just, you know,
383
00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:20,522
stayed the same size.
384
00:16:21,119 --> 00:16:22,806
You want to die on this hill, Chip?
385
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:27,386
This is Doug's last day with us
386
00:16:27,411 --> 00:16:29,177
and he just told me that he got an offer
387
00:16:29,202 --> 00:16:31,569
from that gang of alcoholics
down at the Tribune.
388
00:16:32,494 --> 00:16:35,357
So just stop talking
about Italian puppets
389
00:16:35,382 --> 00:16:36,581
and fix this.
390
00:16:36,606 --> 00:16:37,872
Okay. Yes. I'm on it.
391
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:40,230
But just so you know,
Pinocchio was a marionette.
392
00:16:45,816 --> 00:16:47,449
Oh.
393
00:16:47,498 --> 00:16:49,226
Hey, man, can I talk
to you for a second?
394
00:16:49,785 --> 00:16:51,523
You already are, bro. Keep talking.
395
00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:55,068
Hey. Look, I-I know a lot of the truth
396
00:16:55,093 --> 00:16:57,201
I laid on you yesterday
might've been a little heavy.
397
00:16:57,758 --> 00:17:00,776
Humble brag, the truth
wasn't the only heavy thing
398
00:17:00,801 --> 00:17:02,924
that laid on me last night.
399
00:17:04,293 --> 00:17:08,757
Uh, oh, well, hey, good job, Doug.
400
00:17:09,644 --> 00:17:12,015
Um, but-but here's-here's the thing,
401
00:17:12,130 --> 00:17:14,530
this office has its problems, sure,
402
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,527
but there are great writers
here and great people, too.
403
00:17:17,707 --> 00:17:19,773
I mean, in fact, I met
my best friend here.
404
00:17:20,064 --> 00:17:22,910
I'm your best friend already? Weird.
405
00:17:23,113 --> 00:17:24,793
But I get it. Pound it, bro.
406
00:17:25,051 --> 00:17:27,318
- No, no, no, I-I didn't mean you.
- Damn it, Chip.
407
00:17:27,882 --> 00:17:29,189
Pound your best friend.
408
00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:36,294
You know what? I like you.
409
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:38,993
I love that you didn't
feed me a line of BS
410
00:17:39,018 --> 00:17:40,603
like all the other papers I've visited.
411
00:17:40,803 --> 00:17:43,192
I actually like that this
place isn't thriving.
412
00:17:43,285 --> 00:17:46,719
I'm way more important
here than my last job.
413
00:17:48,356 --> 00:17:51,463
You guys need me, desperately.
414
00:17:51,513 --> 00:17:52,517
Oh, w...
415
00:17:52,542 --> 00:17:56,235
So, "Doug's Balls" just landed
416
00:17:56,802 --> 00:17:57,970
in your hands.
417
00:18:05,389 --> 00:18:07,154
Don't drop them, Pinocchio.
418
00:18:12,505 --> 00:18:13,659
- Hi.
- Hey.
419
00:18:14,741 --> 00:18:17,152
Well, how'd it go with
Weird Linda today?
420
00:18:17,573 --> 00:18:19,879
Well, she scheduled me
to work Thanksgiving,
421
00:18:19,904 --> 00:18:21,804
Christmas, New Year's Eve.
422
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:23,892
And then she asked me
when my birthday was
423
00:18:23,917 --> 00:18:25,010
and scheduled me for that.
424
00:18:25,092 --> 00:18:27,463
Ugh. Oh, honey.
425
00:18:28,182 --> 00:18:31,140
I'm so sorry that my being
honest caused problems for you.
426
00:18:31,606 --> 00:18:34,070
It actually turned out okay once
I took a page from your book
427
00:18:34,095 --> 00:18:35,632
- and I just was honest with her.
- Oh.
428
00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:37,151
I explained that you're
living by the Bible
429
00:18:37,176 --> 00:18:38,323
and that you had to tell the truth.
430
00:18:38,348 --> 00:18:39,831
Hey, nice. And she respected it?
431
00:18:39,856 --> 00:18:40,985
No.
432
00:18:42,272 --> 00:18:43,872
We started making fun of you
433
00:18:43,897 --> 00:18:45,797
and it really brought
us closer together.
434
00:18:46,815 --> 00:18:48,046
She changed the schedule back.
435
00:18:48,071 --> 00:18:49,078
- Oh!
- Yeah.
436
00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:51,657
Also, you're now known as Weird Chip.
437
00:18:54,173 --> 00:18:55,639
So, um, now that you're on this
438
00:18:55,664 --> 00:18:57,986
total honesty thing,
I've got a few questions for you.
439
00:18:59,502 --> 00:19:00,877
Oh, boy.
440
00:19:02,914 --> 00:19:04,748
Do you really think I'm a good dancer?
441
00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:08,133
The worst. You ruin weddings.
442
00:19:10,805 --> 00:19:12,661
Do you really think
that my feet are cute?
443
00:19:13,635 --> 00:19:15,380
Yes, if you were a hobbit.
444
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:18,738
Hey. Okay, last question.
445
00:19:20,545 --> 00:19:22,609
Have you ever wanted to be
with anyone else but me?
446
00:19:23,422 --> 00:19:25,546
Not even for a second.
447
00:19:29,706 --> 00:19:31,175
And if it makes you feel any better,
448
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:32,733
your hot sister has ugly feet, too.
449
00:19:42,845 --> 00:19:45,912
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention, please?
450
00:19:46,125 --> 00:19:48,476
Put your hands together for the...
451
00:19:49,233 --> 00:19:51,117
"Gil-Ty Pleasures."
452
00:19:52,945 --> 00:19:54,160
Seriously?
453
00:19:55,216 --> 00:19:57,824
All right, now, I can't lie,
so you're gonna have to tell Gil
454
00:19:57,849 --> 00:19:59,669
- that we liked this once it's over.
- Mm-hmm.
455
00:20:01,622 --> 00:20:05,455
? Meet me up here. ?
456
00:20:06,075 --> 00:20:07,079
- Mm.
- Oh, yeah.
457
00:20:07,104 --> 00:20:08,687
I'm gonna have to lie hard on this one.
458
00:20:09,603 --> 00:20:11,870
? Buffalo gals, can't
you come out tonight? ?
459
00:20:11,903 --> 00:20:13,976
? Come out tonight, come out tonight ?
460
00:20:14,039 --> 00:20:16,030
? Buffalo gals,
can't you come out tonight ?
461
00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:19,738
? And... dance ?
462
00:20:19,763 --> 00:20:23,899
? By the light... of the moon ?
463
00:20:24,117 --> 00:20:30,763
? By the light of the moon. ?
464
00:20:31,143 --> 00:20:33,143
Hey.
465
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,527
Hey, that was awesome, man. Truly.
466
00:20:38,732 --> 00:20:41,292
I'm glad you liked it because
there are three more hours
467
00:20:41,317 --> 00:20:44,285
of pure barbershop heat still to come!
468
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,094
Just smash this over my head, please.
469
00:20:50,697 --> 00:20:55,697
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