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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:04,439 I'd just like to say thank you all for being here for our first year, 2 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:08,079 all of our lovely residents, all looking so smart, 3 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:13,660 and for choosing us here at Lark Hall, and for having a bit of faith in us. 4 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,719 And Merry Christmas! 5 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,820 Merry Christmas! 6 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,180 Merry Christmas. 7 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,799 Cheers. 8 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,580 And a Happy New Year. 9 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,039 When a man grows old 10 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,159 and his balls grow cold, 11 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,940 and the tip of his prick turns blue... 12 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:55,599 when it bends in the middle like a one-stringed fiddle, 13 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,860 he can tell us a tale or two. 14 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,839 What did Father Christmas bring? 15 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,340 I don't believe in him. 16 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,740 I shan't see another Christmas. 17 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:15,759 Mind you, if I was like her, I'd shove my head in the gas oven. 18 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,620 Uhhh... 19 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,100 Mummy! 20 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,119 Mum! 21 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,740 What? I'm busy! 22 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,199 Eugh! 23 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:53,100 Arnold's dead. 24 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,940 Try and be careful! 25 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,999 Can I have my room back now Arnold's dead? 26 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:12,159 No. But you can get in this sleeping bag when he's finished with it. 27 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,020 Can we have a bit of respect, please? 28 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,900 Don't go in that room, Eddie! 29 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,359 No, you bloody lift him, you idle monkey! 30 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:44,239 - I'm not Daley shitting Thompson! - All right, Father, keep your hair on! 31 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,100 Set? 32 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,919 I read it in The Daily Express. 33 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:02,119 90% of small businesses go down the tubes, apparently, in the first year. 34 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,599 I should stop you reading that paper. 35 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,799 Bloke in Scarborough hung himself in his sporting goods shop. 36 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,879 Yeah, but people don't need sporting goods. 37 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,079 They're always going to get old, aren't they? 38 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,060 It's just teething troubles, Steve. 39 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,660 Kiss-kiss. 40 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,999 What do you think you're playing at? 41 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,359 I could have killed you! 42 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,180 Oi! Come here! 43 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:15,919 And on Boxing Day, we went to the top of Skidby Windmill and I got badge. 44 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,460 No, you got "a" badge. 45 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,260 Edward? 46 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:32,119 On Christmas Day, Arnold Doughty, 90, went blue and died. 47 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:35,980 So far, there has been no communication from him. 48 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,519 I think I've made a mistake, all right? 49 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,159 - Just give it a day. Please. - No, I'm fine, thank you. 50 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,559 But we've just moved all that in. 51 00:05:56,560 --> 00:06:01,119 I'm moving it back out again. All right? It's my things, isn't it? 52 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,159 Who is he? 53 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:07,820 Some gaga old fart Social Services have sent. Lost his wife. 54 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,839 Lives in a camper van. Like Popeye. 55 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:15,959 Clarence! We can get your stuff just how you like. Take as long as you want. 56 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,239 - That's not a word. - Yes, it is. 57 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,999 - "Taxi". - You're not playing properly. 58 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,559 Remember your first day at school? It's a bit like that. 59 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:29,119 - It is a bit like that. - The first night's the worst. 60 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,239 - Oh! - I went as mad as her, first few nights. 61 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:36,239 Be quiet! Otherwise the war will start again. 62 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:40,919 A lot of jabbering simpletons rushing about, wetting themselves. 63 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,119 People you don't know telling you what to do. 64 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,180 - I'm off. - Hey! 65 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,660 Just give it a go. 66 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,740 This is temporary. 67 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,140 This is only temporary. 68 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,999 OK. 69 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,879 Why doesn't she let him go if he wants to go? 70 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,599 She should do. Then I can move back into my old room. 71 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:18,300 You can move back if you can pay us 50 quid a week. 72 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,439 Tonight, haunted houses, ghost-hunting 73 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,119 and the search for life after death. 74 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,319 The most famous ghost-hunters and their most famous cases. 75 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,319 Lilian! 76 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:42,799 - Your daughter is on the phone. - Mavis? Really? 77 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,999 Mavis, oh! 78 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,079 Did a ghost leave these chilling messages asking for prayers. 79 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,839 What do you think of their chances? Who's going to win? 80 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,860 I wouldn't like to predict that, Phil. 81 00:07:56,440 --> 00:08:02,020 What do you want ringing wastefully from Canada? A stamp costs hardly nothing! 82 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:06,639 Mum! I want to watch "Arthur C. Clarke"! Mum! 83 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,039 What do you want doing with those? 84 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,799 Clarence wants to watch "One Man And His Dog". He's paying. 85 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,719 - You're a naughty girl. - It's about ghosts! 86 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,879 We're all naughty girls. 87 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,239 Oh, ball-bearings! 88 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:24,679 Wouldn't mind being alone with that one in a long, dark railway tunnel. 89 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,919 - Can I get my wages, Kath? - Sorry, yeah. 90 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,279 It's very important. It's about recording ghosts! 91 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:35,119 He's saying what he does when he wants to hunt them. 92 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,919 Steve, come here! 93 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:42,279 You want to say, "Would you mind coming here if you're not too busy?" 94 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,079 That's what I said. Watch the TV upstairs. 95 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:49,079 - You ordered me to come in there. - The TV upstairs is haunted! 96 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,279 Why don't you do it then? Please, darling! 97 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,359 Because I came in there last time, dearest. 98 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,159 - You didn't come over here last time. - I did. 99 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,799 Why don't you listen? 100 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:05,279 Sorry, love. Will you sort out the TV for him? 101 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,559 Ena, you've pinched the knives and forks again! 102 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,500 Yes, sir. 103 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,039 Arnold's ghost must have got into it when he died. 104 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:19,479 Arnold's ghost has better things to do than hanging around in a telly. 105 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,999 There, ghosts! Are you happy? 106 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:26,239 Thermometers to detect sudden fluctuations in temperature. 107 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,439 And strange as it might seem, 108 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,319 one might consider bringing a dog or a cat 109 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:35,759 as animals seem to react to supernatural activity. 110 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:39,119 Animals also provide much-needed company. 111 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,519 Price's methods were thorough and no nonsense. 112 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:47,719 Like many scientists of his generation, he believed it was a matter of time. 113 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:51,180 What do you think happens when you die, Dad? 114 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,559 Can't imagine it's all that different. 115 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,599 A dog or cat allowed to roam freely. 116 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:05,279 But most of all, it's imperative that the entire building be cleared of inhabitants 117 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,479 to allow the ghost-hunter to work 118 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,959 in controlled conditions without interruptions. 119 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,700 Bastards. 120 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,460 Hello, pigeon. 121 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,780 Are you a magician? 122 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:38,959 No. 123 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,660 I'm a retired flasher. 124 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,479 This used to be my room until Arnold came. 125 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,759 Who's he when he's at home? 126 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:52,900 He's not anybody now. He's dead. He died in that bed. 127 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:59,759 If you see anything supernatural, do you think you can inform me? 128 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,980 Do you think you can bugger off? 129 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:15,660 Quack-quack! 130 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,940 Ah, ah! 131 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,519 Wuh. Wuh-wuh-wuh... 132 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,919 - What? - One out! 133 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:39,020 Give me my ball back! 134 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,820 Wuh-wuh-wuh... 135 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,660 Come here! 136 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,759 Come here while I kick you! 137 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,399 You think they sent me here to be abused? 138 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:06,140 Get stuffed! 139 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,380 This is my house! 140 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:48,780 Big hand's at six, little hand's at eight, Eddie! 141 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,580 Get out! Clear off! 142 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,599 Come here, you lot! 143 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:19,140 Come here, come on! Never mind making a bid for freedom! 144 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,159 It's all clear. False alarm. 145 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:45,199 They are real people, not toys! They were little boys and girls as well once! 146 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:50,660 I don't want to live here! I want things to be like they were. I want my room back! 147 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:57,199 Mark my words! By the time he's 13, he'll be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag! 148 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,599 Thanks, Lilian. 149 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:04,020 What did you want to say, Edward? What do you want to say? 150 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:26,020 Oh, where are you off to with a grump on? Go on, get yourself off to school. 151 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,660 Tell Mr Kelly you had to go to the dentist. 152 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,239 Idiots! 153 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,180 Cow! 154 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,959 Wankerer! 155 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,799 Mummy! 156 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,020 Dad! 157 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,860 Easy way out. Coward's way out. 158 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:23,820 Just, you know, a cry for help. That's all. Classic. 159 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,119 - A what? - Never mind, big ears. 160 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:32,039 Don't say, "That's all," Steve. How could we let him get to that? Poor fella. 161 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:36,300 We're going to have to cheer this place up a bit. 162 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,180 I'm very sorry for smacking you. 163 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,820 Are you all right? 164 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,980 Come here. 165 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,900 You're very fortunate, you know. 166 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,780 I never met my grandparents. 167 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:38,620 And my mummy and daddy - too far away for us to see them much. 168 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:44,940 You've got all these old people around with all these amazing stories. 169 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,300 It's a privilege. 170 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,319 At least I think it is. 171 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,940 Do you...? 172 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,100 Don't be scared of death, love. 173 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,140 It's all right to be sad. 174 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,799 There's no point being scared. 175 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:07,100 I'm not scared. I just want to know what happens. 176 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:28,260 - Nurse! - I thought you might want your stuff. 177 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:32,260 Draw that curtain round. 178 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,820 And give me my left shoe. 179 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,239 - Did you want one? - No... 180 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,220 Ta. 181 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:56,639 Sorry for setting the fire bell off. 182 00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,079 Sorry I put a lot of talcum on your floor and that. 183 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,359 Sorry for not saying sorry when you ran me over. 184 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:06,580 And that time I chucked dirt on your head. 185 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:11,460 That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for at such a young age. 186 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,340 Sorry. 187 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,260 Are you a magician? 188 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,180 - I gave it up. - Why don't you start again? 189 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,540 Do me a favour. 190 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,740 When you... 191 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,180 Did... 192 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,719 Did you see any kind of bright white light? 193 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:45,100 Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end? 194 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,039 As a matter of fact, I did. 195 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:52,820 This cross-eyed little herbert turned up and yanked me back out. 196 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,780 That's what you should be saying sorry for. 197 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:01,639 � That certain night 198 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,879 � The night we met 199 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:10,319 � There was magic abroad 200 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:13,479 � In the air 201 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:21,199 � There were angels dining at the Ritz 202 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:29,800 � And a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square. � 203 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:50,799 Can someone inform me what the hell you think you're playing at? 204 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:55,620 I'm stuck up here on my own with nothing to keep my trousers up with! 205 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,780 Welcome home. 206 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,820 You know, if I want to top myself... 207 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,940 I can jump out the window! 208 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,559 There must be some way we can. 209 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:02,479 - They say love will find a way. Always. - I don't deserve love from you. 210 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:08,199 What I deserve is these crippled legs. And reflect on what I've done. 211 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,820 Forget it. 212 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,239 How much did that cost? 213 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,559 You can't put a price on looking good, chucklebum. 214 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,340 How much is looking stupid? 215 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,460 Nice hairdo, Stevie. 216 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,460 You want to watch where you're going. 217 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,239 Is this your grand passion? 218 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,540 Yeah. But I'm not supposed to. 219 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,279 They're all pictures of ghosts. 220 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,799 When they took that, there was no one there. 221 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:25,340 Apart from that bloke. 222 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,220 - Please, please! - What? 223 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,639 - What's his problem? - Who? 224 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,100 Flash Gordon. 225 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,740 He was in a war. 226 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,599 What about the others? 227 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:52,199 Lilian's miserable. She trumps a lot. Reg gets drunk. 228 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,679 Elsie was a dancing teacher, but now has a plastic leg. 229 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,879 Prudence tears up toilet paper. 230 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:02,599 Ena thinks she's still the King's housemaid and can't stop stealing stuff. 231 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:06,039 Clive's had a stroke, so all he can say is, "One out". 232 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,980 "Rage... 233 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:11,660 "Rage against the dying of the light". 234 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:17,119 � The wheels on the bus go round and round 235 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:20,079 � Round and round, round and round 236 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:23,519 � The wheels on the bus go round and round 237 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,839 � All day long. � 238 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:29,999 They do go round and round, don't they? Sometimes. 239 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,439 � The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof 240 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,079 � Woof, woof, woof Woof, woof, woof 241 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,799 � The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof. � 242 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,839 Jesus Christ Almighty! 243 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,239 � All day long All day long 244 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,639 � The babies on the bus go waa-waa-waa 245 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,439 � Waa-waa-waa Waa-waa-waa. � 246 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,780 I can't put the two things together. 247 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,479 Lived on my own. 248 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,559 Well, myself and the missus. 249 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:05,119 You live on your own all your life, then they think it's a great idea 250 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:08,399 to shove you together with a load of strangers. 251 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,599 And what do the mummies on the bus say? Anyone? 252 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,879 "Screw this," if they've got any sense. 253 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,039 - Everybody all right? - Yes, thank you. 254 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,199 Nice to see you, Clarence. 255 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:24,319 � The mummies on the bus say hush-hush-hush, hush-hush-hush. � 256 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,279 Oh, God. 257 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,660 I know something that would cheer you up. 258 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,279 You've got to be bleeding kidding! 259 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:35,839 Have one of your beers. I want to show you something. 260 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,719 - Are you interested in ghosts? - No, not in the slightest. 261 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,759 - I am. - So I gathered. 262 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:43,999 I'm trying to catch them on tape. 263 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,239 Where are you going? There's nothing in it. It's all bollocks. 264 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,820 - No, it's not. - It is. 265 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:55,239 "Samuel Peet - not dead, only sleeping". 266 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,540 He's gonna be pissed off when he wakes up. 267 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,359 This is going to bring my piles down. 268 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:05,780 I need a coin. 269 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:18,319 Now you have to dance around it a hundred times. 270 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,940 Their hand comes out and you can ask it questions. Come on. 271 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,780 One. 272 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:29,940 Two. 273 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:35,020 98... 274 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,159 - What's happening? - Nothing much. 275 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,380 99... 276 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,100 100. 277 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:59,279 There's lots of different ways to contact them. S�ances and Ouija boards. 278 00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,559 You can stand in front of a mirror 279 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:06,119 and say someone's name again and again and again, then they'll appear. 280 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:10,140 - Does this apply to anyone? - No, you have to be dead. 281 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:24,500 Is that your wife? 282 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,860 She looks like Dame Edna. 283 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:31,780 Shut up. 284 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:34,359 Now it's good night from me. 285 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:37,860 And it's good night from him. Good night. 286 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:42,359 Good. night! 287 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:44,780 Good night, sweet ladies. 288 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:50,500 Thanks for the mystery tour. I'm not that bothered in the future. 289 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,300 My name's Edward. 290 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:57,620 Mine's Clarence. 291 00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:04,799 � Simply because you're near me 292 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:09,359 � Honey, but when you're near me 293 00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:13,679 � I'm in the mood for love 294 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:17,799 � Heaven is in your eyes 295 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,999 � Bright as the stars we're under 296 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:26,159 � Oh, is it any wonder 297 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:30,519 � I'm in the mood for love? 298 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:34,799 � Why stop to think of whether 299 00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:39,119 � This little dream might fade? 300 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:43,199 � We've put our hearts together 301 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,599 � Now we are one 302 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:47,999 � I'm not afraid 303 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,839 � If there's a cloud above 304 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:57,100 � If it should rain, we'll let it But for--� 305 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:14,700 Annie... 306 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:17,900 Annie... 307 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,060 Annie? 308 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,700 Annie... 309 00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,860 Annie! 310 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,500 Annie... 311 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:39,380 Annie... 312 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,140 Annie? 313 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,780 Annie... 314 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:05,599 - Right, I'm knocking off. - That's a good idea. 315 00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:07,599 I'm off down The Ship. 316 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:11,180 - Do you mind if I get changed in here? - In...? 317 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,879 Did you see "Top of the Pops" last night? 318 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:30,479 No, I don't watch it. 319 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:32,900 Who was on? 320 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,260 - No, I...I don't watch it neither. - No. 321 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,959 Are you still with Mike or...? 322 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,660 No, I packed him in. 323 00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:47,999 - We're both going away soon, so... - University? 324 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,279 - That's it. - I wish I'd gone sometimes. 325 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:56,719 I failed my Geography "A" level. There was another question on the back of the page. 326 00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:02,660 I finished half an hour before everybody else. I'm thinking, "They're bloody slow!" 327 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,380 Do you want a lift? 328 00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:09,999 Yeah, if you like. 329 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,100 Great. I'll just get me jacket on. 330 00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:46,799 You smell like a tart's window box, Steve! What have you got on? 331 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:51,060 Just something I were bought for Christmas, you know. 332 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:02,879 This is what I've got to look forward to, is it? 333 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:07,319 Can't you find something more constructive to do? Learn a skill? 334 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:10,100 I only want to know what happens. 335 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:16,159 What happens is...iis you think the last thought you're ever gonna think 336 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:20,940 and then whatever it was that used to be you...just goes. 337 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:26,100 Christ, it'd be lovely! I've got lots of things I'd like to say. 338 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:29,999 But the curtain's come down, unfortunately. 339 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:31,959 That's horrible! 340 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:37,100 It can't just be black! Don't take the piss! It can't just be black! 341 00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:01,159 Are you waiting for someone? 342 00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,399 Yes, a little lad. 343 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:08,919 Your grandson, is he? 344 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:10,599 No. 345 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:12,879 Just a little lad. 346 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,460 Gaylord! 347 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:36,399 You don't have to come and get me. 348 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:39,599 Don't you want a game? Nice weather for one. 349 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,980 I don't like football. 350 00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:48,860 I was wondering if you might accompany me on an expedition? 351 00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:59,820 Two fat ladies, 88. 352 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:03,839 The bulb's broken. 353 00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:07,100 Doesn't matter. The darker, the better. 354 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,900 Now, for those of you... 355 00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:21,439 who have never before sat at a s�ance, 356 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:25,839 there is absolutely nothing to be fearful of. 357 00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:28,439 Ghosts are very friendly sorts. 358 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:30,919 They like a nice little chinwag. 359 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:34,839 But they're very scared of loud noises 360 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,159 and sudden movements 361 00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:41,119 which is the reason why they're very rarely to be sighted 362 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:44,279 in discos and wrestling matches, for example. 363 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:47,919 You shouldn't joke. It'll make 'em vengeful. 364 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:52,460 Spirits, please accept my mortal apologies. 365 00:35:56,120 --> 00:36:01,500 Now, who are we hoping to contact tonight? 366 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:05,940 - Anyone. - OK, we'll try for anyone. 367 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:13,280 Is there anybody there? 368 00:36:13,281 --> 00:36:16,999 Is there anybody there? 369 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:20,279 Is someone in here? 370 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:25,719 - Who is it? - Arnold? 371 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:30,479 Someone else? 372 00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:34,599 Who? 373 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:38,100 It's "yes or no" questions only, I think. 374 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:40,719 Is there life after death? 375 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,300 - What's it like? - Is it nice? 376 00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:48,879 Are there any ghosts in this house? 377 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:50,719 Oh! 378 00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:55,599 Are there any nice ghosts in this house that don't want to scare anyone 379 00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,220 or cause any bother or nothing? 380 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:04,660 Yeah. 381 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:21,799 � Happy birthday to you 382 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:26,959 � Happy birthday, dear Edward 383 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:31,719 � Happy birthday to you! � 384 00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:34,999 - Eddie, good morning! - Good morning. 385 00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:39,220 - Do you like it? - Yeah. 386 00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:49,660 Thanks. 387 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,420 I'm going to have a shave. 388 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:59,380 Can I have a kiss, please...? Thank you. 389 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:06,740 It's a special and glorious day today. 390 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,399 - Yeah. - Canada is a country. 391 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:16,540 And my big God-bothering girl Mavis is coming from there to see me today! 392 00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:20,479 With her husband who's got a plate in his head. 393 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:24,879 Of course, she's not a girl now, little man. She's 66 years old. 394 00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:26,879 I'm 11! 395 00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:30,799 Well, she's six times better than you are, isn't she? 396 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:43,759 Steve! 397 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,460 - What? - Come here! 398 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,079 Oh, fantastic 399 00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:08,460 Someone answer the door! 400 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:14,319 Who do you think you are? Lord and Lady Aggleshite? 401 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,359 Tradesman's entrance! 402 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,639 Well, shake a leg! 403 00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:20,399 - Oh! - Got her. 404 00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,959 - Mum! - Happy birthday, mate. 405 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,919 - Back to your room! Quick sharp! - Is she dead? 406 00:39:25,920 --> 00:39:28,239 No, she's fine, she's fine. 407 00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:35,439 What's all the fuss about? 408 00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:37,879 She's had it. She's only just died! 409 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:40,940 Now stop that. Stop what you're doing! 410 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,220 She's just in her room with her things. 411 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,700 It's hard to know what to say. 412 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:22,679 Eddie, I'm worried this is how the Yorkshire Ripper started. 413 00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:25,679 He won't end up like the Yorkshire Ripper! 414 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:27,959 Why are you so bloody morbid? 415 00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:31,399 - Cos I live here! - We are doing our best! 416 00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:34,159 We used to go away for the day on my birthday. 417 00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:37,620 It doesn't entitle you to do what you like! 418 00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:47,140 Oh! 419 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,140 I heard Lilian's ghost. 420 00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:58,919 It went "uuuuhhhh". And I was too thick to turn the tape on. 421 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:04,399 That's the sound of the air passing over the vocal cords as it comes out the lungs. 422 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:07,020 No, it's not. 423 00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,439 Can we do another s�ance? 424 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:13,639 The proper reaction is to mourn and celebrate their achievements 425 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,159 as human beings, then try to move on, 426 00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:18,959 not stick a microphone up their nose! 427 00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:22,879 I used to have a room with Paddington Bear wallpaper. 428 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:27,159 Yeah, well, I used to have a beautiful wife and all my own teeth. 429 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:31,679 Your life changes, buster. And not always for the better. 430 00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:36,740 You accumulate regrets and they stick to you like old bruises. 431 00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:41,980 Sorry. 432 00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:53,980 Many happy returns of the day. 433 00:41:56,720 --> 00:41:59,140 I'll teach you a few tricks. 434 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:02,479 I'll do you a magic show. 435 00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:05,359 And you can rub out all of today. 436 00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:07,860 And you can ask your pals. 437 00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:10,799 I don't want a party. 438 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:15,300 Join hands and make contact with the living, son! 439 00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:19,159 You've got to keep it hidden, see? 440 00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:22,020 Keep it in the knuckles. Go on. 441 00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,599 You're lucky. You're still flexible. 442 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:28,820 Go on. 443 00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:31,700 Now make it disappear. 444 00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:35,140 Go on! 445 00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:39,599 Pick it up. 446 00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:41,980 Start again. 447 00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:45,740 It doesn't start until September, does it? 448 00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:48,340 Tanya! 449 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:52,700 God Almighty! Poor bunch of pricks! 450 00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:55,959 Go on, ask him. 451 00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:58,380 Ask him about your party. 452 00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:00,879 Good afternoon, Bob. 453 00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:04,999 I don't understand. It doesn't take five months to pack! 454 00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:07,980 Tragic, isn't it? 455 00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:14,060 What were her achievements, then? What was she like? 456 00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:19,100 She was a manipulative, passive aggressive... 457 00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:21,900 unkind old asshole. 458 00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:39,399 � Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye 459 00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:42,319 � Cheerio, here I go 460 00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:44,839 � On my way. � 461 00:43:44,840 --> 00:43:48,599 Tanya's resigned! Can you believe that? 462 00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:52,439 - She's what? - Can I have a party? I was a prick. 463 00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:56,719 - Where did you pick up that? - Did she give any details? 464 00:43:56,720 --> 00:43:59,039 - I want a magic show. - You were naughty. 465 00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:01,239 - Go on. - Details? 466 00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:03,479 - Mum! - Eddie, get off our backs! 467 00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:05,959 We've got this bloomin' wake. 468 00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:10,479 � 'Til we meet once again, you and I 469 00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:15,319 � Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye! � 470 00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:18,540 Maybe we should have a wee dance? 471 00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:22,599 The dancers have all gone under the hill, my dear. 472 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:28,079 � With a cheer, not a tear Make it gay. � 473 00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:33,359 Ohhh, go on, then. It'll do you good to have some other kids around. 474 00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:38,599 - She must have said why. - I don't know why you're so upset. 475 00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:41,399 It's me who'll cop for the extra work. 476 00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:44,159 Cos I do sod all around here, don't I? 477 00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:48,940 You know, sometimes I wish we did go bloody bankrupt! 478 00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:53,860 � 'Til we meet once again, you and I 479 00:44:55,600 --> 00:45:00,620 � Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye! � 480 00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:11,180 Find the Lady. 5 will get you 10, 10 will get you 20. Money in. 481 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,260 Where is it? 482 00:45:14,720 --> 00:45:17,599 No. There she is. 483 00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:20,279 - Not so bad here, is it? - No. 484 00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:22,959 And the vicar says, 485 00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:29,260 "Madam, this is a ladies bike. It doesn't have a crossbar". 486 00:45:33,240 --> 00:45:35,660 You see... 487 00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:41,780 she thought she was sitting on the crossbar all the way from Keighley. 488 00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:46,580 - But it was his stiffy. - Yep. 489 00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:51,660 - Everyone all right? - Yeah. 490 00:45:55,280 --> 00:45:57,700 Fucking Christians. 491 00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:03,919 You use two panes of very polished glass for Pepper's Ghost. 492 00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:06,159 At an angle like that. 493 00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:08,799 Annie lies there. Well, your assistant. 494 00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,559 - You've had this. - What? 495 00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:16,839 - You've already had this week's money. - I do not believe I have had this week's. 496 00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:19,940 - Don't you? - No, sunshine, I don't. 497 00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:25,300 - Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. - Bugger off! 498 00:46:29,400 --> 00:46:33,359 It can just be very small-scale. It could just be me and you. 499 00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:36,399 - What could? - My birthday party. 500 00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:41,279 I have been trying to draw you out of yourself, in case you hadn't twigged. 501 00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:44,079 God, what's the worst that could happen? 502 00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:46,119 Kids eat some cake 503 00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:51,980 and we lift the grim bloody pallor of mortality for a few glorious moments. 504 00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:55,340 OK, this one. 505 00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:59,319 Got. Got. Need. 506 00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:02,380 - Oi. - What? 507 00:47:03,240 --> 00:47:07,020 - Have we got PE? - Of course. Spastic. 508 00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:13,100 Hey. 509 00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:18,220 Shit! 510 00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:23,759 Wow! 511 00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:26,919 - Do it again. - The light is on! 512 00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:29,839 The light is on! 513 00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:34,599 You've got to flex it between your knuckles. Don't drop it. 514 00:47:34,600 --> 00:47:38,719 Flex it in your what-nots. Bleedin' hell. 515 00:47:38,720 --> 00:47:41,740 You've got to practise, you know. 516 00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:47,820 Have you been prac... Give us your whatsit's doo-dah there. 517 00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:51,540 You're not going to leave, are you? 518 00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:55,660 Why do you write so much on your arms? 519 00:47:56,640 --> 00:48:01,319 Shall we go and get some magical items for your party? 520 00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:06,559 � Don't jump off the roof, Dad You'll make a big hole in the yard 521 00:48:06,560 --> 00:48:10,159 � Mother's just planted petunias 522 00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:13,599 � The weeding and seeding was hard 523 00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:16,879 � If you must end it all, Dad 524 00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:19,919 � Why don't you give us a break? 525 00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:23,759 � Take a walk in the park, Dad 526 00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:27,439 � And there you can jump in the lake! � 527 00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:32,740 Oops-a-daisy! 528 00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:37,039 This is where we are, then. 529 00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:42,020 Find some items to make your party go with a swing. 530 00:48:49,080 --> 00:48:51,119 It's funny. 531 00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:53,679 You spend your life accumulating stuff 532 00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:57,700 and then you can't find anywhere to put it. 533 00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,420 Imagine that. 534 00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:05,900 Imagine all the money I've spent. 535 00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:09,300 All the bloody work I've done. 536 00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:24,399 There. 537 00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:26,959 I had a fine woman, you know. 538 00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:29,700 She was very artistic. 539 00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:32,460 Very gentle. 540 00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:35,999 We were very happy. 541 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,479 - What does this do? - Tells the time. 542 00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:43,319 - Is it magic? - No. It's a grandfather clock. 543 00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:47,919 You've got to give them the patter, otherwise they'll latch on to you. 544 00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:51,879 - What's patter? - She was very good at that as well. 545 00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:54,980 She helped me write my funny lines. 546 00:49:56,280 --> 00:49:59,180 I met her at Euston Station. 547 00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:01,999 Well, I saw her. 548 00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:04,820 She passed me by. 549 00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:07,279 I went after her. 550 00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:12,079 I had a ten-bob note in my pocket. You don't see them any more. 551 00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:14,039 They were red. 552 00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:17,999 So I took it out and I said, "Excuse my intrusion, Miss, 553 00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:20,679 "but I think you might have dropped this". 554 00:50:20,680 --> 00:50:25,340 And she said, "Oh, gosh! I did. Thank you". 555 00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:27,660 Yeah. 556 00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:31,100 So I took her to Lyons Corner House. 557 00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:35,460 We had a long bun, as it were. 558 00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:40,460 And that, as they say, was that. 559 00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:48,340 Oh, God. 560 00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:56,559 I haven't the faintest idea why they scrapped 'em. 561 00:50:56,560 --> 00:51:00,460 Tanners and florins and shillings. 562 00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:05,599 You don't know what change you're getting nowadays. And... 563 00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:07,820 And... 564 00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:12,180 Where is this? 565 00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:20,780 Clarence? 566 00:51:21,720 --> 00:51:23,719 - Patter. - What?! 567 00:51:23,720 --> 00:51:28,140 - Misdirection. - Clarence, you're...! Clarence! 568 00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,199 Sorry, I... 569 00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:47,879 � Don't jump off the roof, Dad 570 00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:52,020 � You'll make a hole in the yard. � 571 00:51:56,640 --> 00:51:59,420 You OK? 572 00:52:15,480 --> 00:52:17,839 When I was a nipper, 573 00:52:17,840 --> 00:52:19,919 I used to... 574 00:52:19,920 --> 00:52:24,279 I remember looking up, lying on my back, 575 00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:27,980 and looking up at the stars 576 00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:32,279 and thinking what a great, big university it is. 577 00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:34,159 Universe. 578 00:52:34,160 --> 00:52:40,100 And all them stars, well, you know, now they're very, very small. 579 00:52:41,720 --> 00:52:45,199 It's all...shut up shop 580 00:52:45,200 --> 00:52:48,759 and the stars, you know, they don't... 581 00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:51,060 what-not. 582 00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:56,820 And the whole...bloody thing 583 00:52:58,680 --> 00:53:00,879 has ended up... 584 00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:03,340 on little... 585 00:53:05,400 --> 00:53:07,820 me. 586 00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:13,460 You can take it to a garage. 587 00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:16,740 What? Oh! 588 00:53:25,240 --> 00:53:28,039 You see, when you die... 589 00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:31,220 then you come back to life. 590 00:53:31,680 --> 00:53:35,599 You know, actually, you're born again. 591 00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:38,039 Then you die again 592 00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:41,420 and, afterwards, you come back to life. 593 00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:47,340 Sounds exhausting. 594 00:53:49,680 --> 00:53:53,580 I want to come back as an animal. 595 00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:57,639 A rabbit or a badger. Or something. 596 00:53:57,640 --> 00:54:01,559 - I like badgers. - What's so good about badgers? 597 00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:06,319 I like badgers because they're bad-tempered and they look good. 598 00:54:06,320 --> 00:54:10,660 And... you can make sporrans out of badgers. 599 00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:16,079 But if you came back as a person, you get a chance to put it right again. 600 00:54:16,080 --> 00:54:18,319 Let me tell you a secret. 601 00:54:18,320 --> 00:54:21,359 Being a person is a pain in the arse. 602 00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:25,100 - No, it's not! - Yes, it is! 603 00:54:30,040 --> 00:54:32,820 - Clarence? - What? 604 00:54:33,280 --> 00:54:37,239 If you die, will you come back and see me? 605 00:54:37,240 --> 00:54:40,479 Jesus wept! Chuck that thing away! 606 00:54:40,480 --> 00:54:45,020 Chuck it away! Chuck my bloody tricks away! 607 00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:02,559 What did you do that for?! 608 00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:07,119 I'm pissing against the wind. I'm drenching my mackintosh. 609 00:55:07,120 --> 00:55:10,180 You don't come back, son! 610 00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:13,940 Once they've gone, you can't talk to them! 611 00:55:15,000 --> 00:55:19,919 If I could just say to her, "I'm sorry". If I could tell her I was bloody sorry, 612 00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:22,860 what a difference that would make. 613 00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:28,239 - She's dead, son! She divorced me. - Who? 614 00:55:28,240 --> 00:55:30,839 Annie. I wouldn't settle down. 615 00:55:30,840 --> 00:55:36,540 I couldn't keep it in my trousers. I was a good-looking fella. 616 00:55:38,560 --> 00:55:42,740 Then one day I came back home and she'd... 617 00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:51,980 Many years later, I got a letter saying that she'd... 618 00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:58,460 I was too late for her bloody funeral! 619 00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:03,820 I've never even seen her grave! 620 00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:07,039 It's hard... 621 00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:12,079 to get this far and realise there's absolutely bloody nothing! 622 00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:15,879 - You said you were happy. - Who's happy? 623 00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:20,719 - We could do another s�ance. - Don't be retarded. I made it up. 624 00:56:20,720 --> 00:56:24,039 - What? - Sod off! I want to be by myself. 625 00:56:24,040 --> 00:56:27,879 - Clear your own stuff up! - I will! 626 00:56:27,880 --> 00:56:30,700 Badgers are stupid! 627 00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:46,639 - Sorry, love! - Coo-ee! 628 00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:51,980 - You getting your rabbit in your hat? - No, I'm shoving it up your bum! 629 00:57:10,920 --> 00:57:13,559 Makes you think, doesn't it? 630 00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:15,119 No. 631 00:57:15,120 --> 00:57:19,279 I wasn't really thinking about anything very much. 632 00:57:19,280 --> 00:57:22,260 I was thinking about having my dinner. 633 00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:30,380 No, I mean about life being too short. All that balls. 634 00:57:32,440 --> 00:57:35,340 What's the matter, Stevie? 635 00:57:38,560 --> 00:57:42,319 Kath and I used to have an awful lot of fun. 636 00:57:42,320 --> 00:57:44,759 It just seems to escape you. 637 00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:46,919 Oh, Christ, Tanya. 638 00:57:46,920 --> 00:57:50,719 Don't go to university. Stay here. We could date. 639 00:57:50,720 --> 00:57:53,279 - What?! - Do you think I'm attractive? 640 00:57:53,280 --> 00:57:56,559 - Hold your horses! I'm 18. - It's fantastic. 641 00:57:56,560 --> 00:58:00,239 - What are you? Like 45? - No, I'm 39! 642 00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:03,180 Going on bloody geriatric! 643 00:58:05,560 --> 00:58:10,479 Kidder? I'm thinking of doing the Card-Finding Duck. 644 00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:12,399 Go away! 645 00:58:12,400 --> 00:58:16,159 - It takes two people. - Tough titty! 646 00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:19,180 I don't want any bloody magic! 647 00:58:26,680 --> 00:58:32,199 Ranjit, who in the previous book was called John, has got six marbles. 648 00:58:32,200 --> 00:58:35,719 Zulema, who used to be Samantha, has got 12. 649 00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:38,559 And Keith, thank goodness, 650 00:58:38,560 --> 00:58:40,599 has got four. 651 00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:45,420 What percentage of the bag does each one have? 652 00:58:46,160 --> 00:58:48,780 Five minutes. 653 00:58:49,480 --> 00:58:53,559 - I don't want to go! - Pack it in, the both of you! Manners! 654 00:58:53,560 --> 00:58:56,199 But it's an old folks' homo! 655 00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:59,079 Oh, God, what's that smell? 656 00:58:59,080 --> 00:59:03,940 - Eew! It's wee! - No wonder he's a complete weirdo. 657 00:59:05,160 --> 00:59:11,799 � Happy birthday to you 658 00:59:11,800 --> 00:59:16,719 � Happy birthday, dear Edward 659 00:59:16,720 --> 00:59:21,740 � Happy birthday to you! � 660 00:59:24,120 --> 00:59:29,260 - Go on, make a wish. - Quick, before that senile old bat! 661 00:59:37,560 --> 00:59:40,300 Did you make that smell? 662 00:59:41,440 --> 00:59:45,199 Carry on! Carry on! 663 00:59:45,200 --> 00:59:49,039 - Let me do it. - No. I am perfectly capable. 664 00:59:49,040 --> 00:59:54,399 - Him, he's out! He moved! - I've been moving since 1917! 665 00:59:54,400 --> 00:59:57,020 I can't do anything else. 666 01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:12,980 Get up, you. Reg the Hair. 667 01:00:13,600 --> 01:00:16,359 Get up. Get up! 668 01:00:16,360 --> 01:00:17,839 Oh! 669 01:00:17,840 --> 01:00:20,140 Now move. 670 01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:09,319 Can you do your magic show? 671 01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,540 What? 672 01:01:14,560 --> 01:01:17,460 You sure? 673 01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:39,460 Have you got any kids? 674 01:01:44,040 --> 01:01:48,559 Now then, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, 675 01:01:48,560 --> 01:01:53,820 please put your hands together for The Amazing Clarence! 676 01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:58,620 Thank you. 677 01:02:00,600 --> 01:02:05,879 I'm not the sort of magician who drags you through endless mysteries. 678 01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:08,740 I'm pretty straightforward. 679 01:02:12,000 --> 01:02:16,660 - And I don't do card tricks. - Awww! 680 01:02:20,760 --> 01:02:23,180 Well, maybe one or two. 681 01:02:24,600 --> 01:02:28,719 Would you take a card for me, please? Any card, any card. 682 01:02:28,720 --> 01:02:32,559 Thank you. Look at it. Don't tell me what it is. No, no. 683 01:02:32,560 --> 01:02:34,599 Don't tell me. 684 01:02:34,600 --> 01:02:38,199 Put it back. I have a friend who will do that for me. 685 01:02:38,200 --> 01:02:40,479 Ronald, the Card-Finding Duck. 686 01:02:40,480 --> 01:02:43,500 He is going to find your card for you. 687 01:02:44,280 --> 01:02:46,879 Oh! Oh! 688 01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:49,919 Quack, quack! 689 01:02:49,920 --> 01:02:54,239 Can I have another brave volunteer, please? 690 01:02:54,240 --> 01:02:57,039 You? Another volunteer? 691 01:02:57,040 --> 01:03:00,399 Come on, come on. Who? Who? 692 01:03:00,400 --> 01:03:04,919 - You, sir? - No, no, absolutely not! No, no, no. 693 01:03:04,920 --> 01:03:09,279 - They'd sit knitting and eating frogs. - Eugh! 694 01:03:09,280 --> 01:03:14,220 And watching people having their heads cut off. 695 01:03:23,920 --> 01:03:26,780 A carrot! 696 01:03:28,040 --> 01:03:31,799 Unfortunately, they found that the guillotine 697 01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:36,780 was susceptible to the power of raspberries. 698 01:03:37,840 --> 01:03:41,399 They found that if you got enough people... 699 01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:45,359 to blow raspberries, the blade would be diverted 700 01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,140 from its fatal course. 701 01:03:48,600 --> 01:03:52,879 Which is why I need your help. OK? 702 01:03:52,880 --> 01:03:56,140 Let's have a dry run. 703 01:04:13,360 --> 01:04:15,199 OK. 704 01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:17,439 I think we're ready. 705 01:04:17,440 --> 01:04:19,420 Blow! 706 01:04:22,320 --> 01:04:24,220 Aiiiee! 707 01:04:24,680 --> 01:04:27,380 Aaaargh! 708 01:04:42,120 --> 01:04:45,319 - I've wrapped it in a bag of peas. - Thank you. 709 01:04:45,320 --> 01:04:47,439 - No, no, son! - Let me go! 710 01:04:47,440 --> 01:04:52,140 - Any other medication? - Yes. I'm on pills for my... 711 01:04:54,360 --> 01:04:56,980 Well, I'll be buggered. 712 01:05:05,520 --> 01:05:08,660 Don't put your finger in it! 713 01:05:14,760 --> 01:05:17,700 One out. 714 01:05:38,920 --> 01:05:40,959 Did you have any? 715 01:05:40,960 --> 01:05:43,039 It's gone crusty. 716 01:05:43,040 --> 01:05:45,980 Go on. Why don't you have some, eh? 717 01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:50,399 - Let's get the candle lit. - I don't want any! 718 01:05:50,400 --> 01:05:52,740 Have some cake. 719 01:05:59,640 --> 01:06:03,599 - What's the matter? - I live in an old people's home! 720 01:06:03,600 --> 01:06:06,159 So do I! It's not easy for anybody! 721 01:06:06,160 --> 01:06:10,719 This'll be the place you send your elderly loved ones to have bits chopped off! 722 01:06:10,720 --> 01:06:15,119 - It was an accident! - He's not your grandad, Eddie! 723 01:06:15,120 --> 01:06:18,020 I wish he was my dad! 724 01:06:18,480 --> 01:06:22,959 Well, he's going senile. Haven't you noticed? 725 01:06:22,960 --> 01:06:27,759 So you'll just have to settle for Mr Knobhead here. 726 01:06:27,760 --> 01:06:30,719 - Why did you say that?! - He'll find out. 727 01:06:30,720 --> 01:06:36,559 Eddie, some people don't die just like that, you know, not like Lilian. 728 01:06:36,560 --> 01:06:40,079 Some people, they take a bit longer. They fade. 729 01:06:40,080 --> 01:06:43,279 - I know what senile is! - There's Daddy and me. 730 01:06:43,280 --> 01:06:47,599 - We are NOT going to fade away. - Yes, you are! You are! 731 01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:50,479 You shouldn't get so involved. 732 01:06:50,480 --> 01:06:53,180 What about you? Getting involved! 733 01:06:57,120 --> 01:07:02,399 Oh, Christ, Tanya. Don't go to university. We could date. 734 01:07:02,400 --> 01:07:06,919 - Do you think I'm attractive? - Hold your horses! I'm 18. 735 01:07:06,920 --> 01:07:09,879 - It's fantastic! - What are you? 45? 736 01:07:09,880 --> 01:07:13,919 No, I'm 39! Going on bloody geriatric! 737 01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:18,839 - Don't have an affair with me, Stevie. - I can't support my family. 738 01:07:18,840 --> 01:07:23,039 I'm a rotten bloody father, a terrible husband and nobody but you 739 01:07:23,040 --> 01:07:25,919 has a single bloody second for me. 740 01:07:25,920 --> 01:07:29,180 You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya. 741 01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:33,300 I think I love you. 742 01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:36,380 I do. 743 01:07:52,720 --> 01:07:57,199 Maybe if you paid me a bit of attention every now and again! 744 01:07:57,200 --> 01:08:01,159 What's the bloody problem with getting your head down? 745 01:08:01,160 --> 01:08:04,319 Can you not see beyond a pair of tits? 746 01:08:04,320 --> 01:08:07,599 I have never been unfaithful to you. Not in 15 years! 747 01:08:07,600 --> 01:08:10,159 You just undermine me, Steve. 748 01:08:10,160 --> 01:08:14,559 All the time, you never do anything other than complain! 749 01:08:14,560 --> 01:08:17,039 It's exhausting! 750 01:08:17,040 --> 01:08:20,239 - Why don't you just go? - Oh, come on! 751 01:08:20,240 --> 01:08:23,180 I'm sick of it! Go! 752 01:08:53,440 --> 01:08:56,079 - There. - Oh... 753 01:08:56,080 --> 01:09:01,039 - You look nice in that tie, Reggie. - Thank you. 754 01:09:01,040 --> 01:09:04,799 But you never have it quite straight, do you? 755 01:09:04,800 --> 01:09:05,999 No? 756 01:09:06,000 --> 01:09:09,799 We've got to straighten you out a bit in general. 757 01:09:09,800 --> 01:09:12,279 Oh, yes. I suppose so, yes. 758 01:09:12,280 --> 01:09:14,820 Come along. 759 01:09:20,320 --> 01:09:22,740 It's half eight, love. 760 01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:26,399 Come on, get up. 761 01:09:26,400 --> 01:09:28,820 I want a talk. 762 01:09:44,160 --> 01:09:46,380 Edward? 763 01:09:48,480 --> 01:09:50,700 Eddie? 764 01:09:57,080 --> 01:10:01,039 On Sunday, we went to Edward's birthday party. 765 01:10:01,040 --> 01:10:06,740 There was a wizard who cut an old man's finger off. It were extremely wicked. 766 01:10:13,800 --> 01:10:16,879 An old person and a young person, please. 767 01:10:16,880 --> 01:10:19,340 One eighty. 768 01:10:20,240 --> 01:10:23,759 - That's a lot of ready cash. - He's my grandad. 769 01:10:23,760 --> 01:10:28,900 - Are you? - Possibly. There have been many women. 770 01:10:32,320 --> 01:10:36,620 When are we going home, then? Come on. 771 01:10:37,560 --> 01:10:40,780 I wanna be where my stuff is. 772 01:10:45,400 --> 01:10:48,759 Come 'ere! Oi! 773 01:10:48,760 --> 01:10:53,340 Come 'ere! 774 01:10:54,440 --> 01:10:57,919 That was a cheap bloody trick! Pull the red thing. 775 01:10:57,920 --> 01:11:01,479 - Too late. We're going. - Pull the whatchamacallit! 776 01:11:01,480 --> 01:11:04,460 I will if you tell me what it's called. 777 01:11:05,360 --> 01:11:07,900 Well, I know it's red. 778 01:11:10,080 --> 01:11:12,719 What's a divorce like? 779 01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:14,919 - What? - A divorce. 780 01:11:14,920 --> 01:11:17,719 A bit tricky, I should think. 781 01:11:17,720 --> 01:11:19,759 Come on! 782 01:11:19,760 --> 01:11:22,759 - Is it still there? - What? 783 01:11:22,760 --> 01:11:26,319 - Is it? - What's the matter? 784 01:11:26,320 --> 01:11:29,879 Is the... Is the ground still there? 785 01:11:29,880 --> 01:11:33,220 Look - ground! Sky! Ground! 786 01:11:33,520 --> 01:11:35,079 Ow! 787 01:11:35,080 --> 01:11:38,220 - Oi! - Concentrate! 788 01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:45,220 Any danger of a cup of tea and a pork pie? 789 01:11:46,440 --> 01:11:49,260 Did I already ask that? 790 01:11:50,880 --> 01:11:54,260 - Thank you. - Stay here. 791 01:11:56,440 --> 01:12:00,580 My name... is Clarence Parkinson. 792 01:12:01,440 --> 01:12:04,540 And England is my nation. 793 01:12:05,640 --> 01:12:09,140 My teacher's name is...Mr Scott. 794 01:12:09,680 --> 01:12:13,079 And Christ is my... 795 01:12:13,080 --> 01:12:14,919 salvation. 796 01:12:14,920 --> 01:12:18,420 Clarence! Come here! 797 01:12:27,720 --> 01:12:32,180 - That's the same name as my missus. - I know. 798 01:12:38,880 --> 01:12:40,119 Oh. 799 01:12:40,120 --> 01:12:41,980 No... 800 01:12:44,240 --> 01:12:46,380 Oh. God. 801 01:12:50,000 --> 01:12:52,820 Sod off. 802 01:12:54,800 --> 01:13:01,500 Sod off! 803 01:13:01,501 --> 01:13:05,101 Sod off! 804 01:13:10,160 --> 01:13:14,639 - Sod off... - Put them down, then. Put them down. 805 01:13:14,640 --> 01:13:16,719 Get it off your...Don't! 806 01:13:16,720 --> 01:13:19,060 Don't. You... 807 01:13:19,480 --> 01:13:21,719 You've spoilt them. 808 01:13:21,720 --> 01:13:23,639 Yeah. 809 01:13:23,640 --> 01:13:27,879 I've spoilt... all these nice flowers, ain't I? 810 01:13:27,880 --> 01:13:30,420 It's all right. 811 01:13:39,480 --> 01:13:43,599 Know what they're gonna say on my gravestone? 812 01:13:43,600 --> 01:13:47,700 "Here lies Clarence B Parkinson. 813 01:13:48,160 --> 01:13:50,999 "He was born, he effed it up 814 01:13:51,000 --> 01:13:54,060 "and then he died." 815 01:13:54,880 --> 01:13:57,319 What's your name? 816 01:13:57,320 --> 01:13:59,919 - Eh? - Edward. 817 01:13:59,920 --> 01:14:02,220 Edward... 818 01:14:02,680 --> 01:14:05,559 Things aren't exactly 819 01:14:05,560 --> 01:14:08,340 as they ought to be. 820 01:14:10,240 --> 01:14:13,260 Have you any idea what it is? 821 01:14:15,080 --> 01:14:17,900 There's something the matter. 822 01:14:25,440 --> 01:14:31,060 The name on that gravestone is the same name as my wife. 823 01:14:38,840 --> 01:14:43,500 Leave it. I'm gonna go call my mum. 824 01:14:49,840 --> 01:14:54,239 Today's the first time we've spent more than half an hour with each other 825 01:14:54,240 --> 01:14:59,439 without a bloody fogey or shitty arse or liquidised bloody carrots in the way 826 01:14:59,440 --> 01:15:04,559 for a year. Because our kid's run off because he hates us so much 827 01:15:04,560 --> 01:15:06,959 because of what we do. 828 01:15:06,960 --> 01:15:10,500 That isn't why. What we do is good. 829 01:15:11,120 --> 01:15:14,079 We didn't go to university, Steve. 830 01:15:14,080 --> 01:15:18,039 You asked me to marry you. We had a baby. 831 01:15:18,040 --> 01:15:21,420 Do you remember how much... 832 01:15:22,640 --> 01:15:26,399 Do you remember how hard we tried for him? 833 01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:28,540 Yeah. 834 01:15:30,120 --> 01:15:32,919 That was the journey we decided to make. 835 01:15:32,920 --> 01:15:35,759 And there might be a few less "dates" 836 01:15:35,760 --> 01:15:39,679 and I might end up looking like my mother, but... 837 01:15:39,680 --> 01:15:41,980 Sorry. 838 01:15:47,560 --> 01:15:49,999 It's not that way, love. Just over here. 839 01:15:50,000 --> 01:15:54,220 - I thought it was outside. - You come with me. That's it. 840 01:15:57,000 --> 01:16:00,599 You argue with your mates sometimes, right? 841 01:16:00,600 --> 01:16:04,940 And obviously your mum and me... sometimes... 842 01:16:07,000 --> 01:16:09,620 I can be a grumpy bum. 843 01:16:11,600 --> 01:16:14,580 It's no fault of yours, love. It's just... 844 01:16:19,280 --> 01:16:22,660 Are you not going to live at home? 845 01:16:23,120 --> 01:16:25,900 I don't know. 846 01:16:27,560 --> 01:16:30,719 Hey, but you must never think, ever, 847 01:16:30,720 --> 01:16:35,279 that you're not absolutely the most important thing in the world 848 01:16:35,280 --> 01:16:37,660 to your mum and me. 849 01:16:40,000 --> 01:16:42,900 Do you understand? 850 01:16:49,320 --> 01:16:52,580 When's he going to die? 851 01:16:55,560 --> 01:17:00,660 We'll look after him. Just like we look after everybody. 852 01:17:02,560 --> 01:17:07,479 I'm a little bit bored with you men and your problems at the moment, Edward. 853 01:17:07,480 --> 01:17:11,759 Sometimes you just have to learn to let things go. 854 01:17:11,760 --> 01:17:14,060 I know. 855 01:17:18,120 --> 01:17:19,820 Eh? 856 01:17:22,080 --> 01:17:26,959 - There you are. Where have you been? - Go back to sleep. 857 01:17:26,960 --> 01:17:30,479 - I've been looking for you! - Oh, God help us. 858 01:17:30,480 --> 01:17:33,279 Another woolly one who can't cope. 859 01:17:33,280 --> 01:17:35,519 Annie... 860 01:17:35,520 --> 01:17:38,260 I'm sorry, pigeon. 861 01:17:40,440 --> 01:17:44,399 That's all I wanted to say. Just to tell you...that I'm sorry. 862 01:17:44,400 --> 01:17:48,799 I got distracted, love. If I had my time over again... 863 01:17:48,800 --> 01:17:51,199 If I had it again... 864 01:17:51,200 --> 01:17:53,279 Annie... 865 01:17:53,280 --> 01:18:00,220 I forgive you. 866 01:18:38,280 --> 01:18:40,919 Marty, I'll be very sad to see you go. 867 01:18:40,920 --> 01:18:44,559 You've really made a difference in my life. 868 01:18:44,560 --> 01:18:48,519 Just knowing I'm going to be around to see 1985, 869 01:18:48,520 --> 01:18:52,420 that I'm going to succeed in this and travel through time! 870 01:18:57,680 --> 01:19:02,399 It's going to be really hard to wait 30 years to talk to you about this. 871 01:19:02,400 --> 01:19:05,700 I'm really going to miss you, Marty. 872 01:19:06,040 --> 01:19:09,100 I'm really gonna miss you. 873 01:19:11,640 --> 01:19:14,439 Ace one, wasn't it? That one was magic. 874 01:19:14,440 --> 01:19:18,319 - Like the bit with the skateboard? - I was there, too. 875 01:19:18,320 --> 01:19:22,319 - Oh, no. You sure? - Yeah. You coming in? 876 01:19:22,320 --> 01:19:24,959 A couple of minutes can't hurt. 877 01:19:24,960 --> 01:19:29,319 - But you did like it, though? - It was good, Dad! 878 01:19:29,320 --> 01:19:33,740 - Can I have a word? - Most assuredly. 879 01:19:37,240 --> 01:19:40,060 With him. 880 01:20:50,960 --> 01:20:53,559 Getting to be spring again. 881 01:20:53,560 --> 01:20:56,239 It's October. 882 01:20:56,240 --> 01:21:00,119 The leaves are looking very nice on the, er... 883 01:21:00,120 --> 01:21:02,639 large plants you get in the garden. 884 01:21:02,640 --> 01:21:06,439 - Trees. - You're not doing that trick right. 885 01:21:06,440 --> 01:21:10,679 You've got to give it some patter. Words. Why don't you... 886 01:21:10,680 --> 01:21:14,479 What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? Russell. 887 01:21:14,480 --> 01:21:16,839 Or a licence plate on his head? Reg. 888 01:21:16,840 --> 01:21:19,820 - A man with a car on his head? - Seatbelt? 889 01:21:22,080 --> 01:21:24,039 Good lad! 890 01:21:24,040 --> 01:21:27,359 - Can I have my fiver now? - Your what? 891 01:21:27,360 --> 01:21:31,559 - You said you'd give me a fiver. - What a load of bollocks. 892 01:21:31,560 --> 01:21:34,580 Come in. 893 01:21:36,640 --> 01:21:38,879 - Ready for the off? - Where to? 894 01:21:38,880 --> 01:21:40,940 Pictures? 895 01:21:41,840 --> 01:21:44,980 Ta-ta for now. 896 01:22:18,720 --> 01:22:23,599 I was wondering whether you wanted to move back into your old room. 897 01:22:23,600 --> 01:22:26,220 I'm OK where I am. 898 01:22:27,920 --> 01:22:30,900 He was some magician, wasn't he? 899 01:22:32,160 --> 01:22:34,940 Oh, come here. 900 01:23:06,640 --> 01:23:10,180 Oh, yeah? He shoots, he scores! 901 01:23:12,360 --> 01:23:15,380 Come on, then! Pass it! 902 01:23:23,960 --> 01:23:26,220 One out! 903 01:23:38,960 --> 01:23:42,060 Go on, then. 904 01:23:42,560 --> 01:23:45,340 Nice one, old man 905 01:24:03,560 --> 01:24:06,039 Come on! 906 01:24:06,040 --> 01:24:08,340 One out! 907 01:24:21,240 --> 01:24:23,660 Oh, look! 908 01:24:24,240 --> 01:24:26,540 Abracadabra! 909 01:24:27,920 --> 01:24:30,140 Oh... 910 01:24:36,120 --> 01:24:39,140 Where are you going? 911 01:24:44,440 --> 01:24:46,079 Out. 912 01:24:46,080 --> 01:24:49,839 - That's all. - You never go out. 913 01:24:49,840 --> 01:24:53,799 Well, things are different now, aren't they? 914 01:24:53,800 --> 01:24:56,980 Why do you have to put make-up on? 915 01:24:57,440 --> 01:24:59,660 Because... 916 01:25:00,120 --> 01:25:04,860 Oh, I don't know. Makes you feel a bit more human. 917 01:25:06,680 --> 01:25:08,759 You look like a vampire. 918 01:25:13,040 --> 01:25:15,660 Cheers, big ears 919 01:25:24,560 --> 01:25:26,980 You look nice! 920 01:25:38,080 --> 01:25:39,679 Hi. 921 01:25:39,680 --> 01:25:42,700 - Are you ready? - Yeah. 68587

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