All language subtitles for Alex, Inc. 1x02

Testing, testing.

Testing complete.

It's 4:00 a.m.,
and I am too excited to sleep.

Tomorrow is my first
official day as the boss

of my new podcast company,

and this right here
is our very first podcast.

You might wonder why someone
with a good job,

a wife, two kids, and a dancer's body

would do something so risky.

It's because I believe
there's a place where I can tell

the kind of stories I want to tell.

Where I can work with the kind
of people I want to work with.

And most of all, where no one...

and I mean no one...
can tell me what to do.

Will you please shut up?

Oh. Sorry, honey.

That's the person
who was snoring earlier.

Ow.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

And now I'm pouring my coffee.

Why are you wearing a purse?

Oh. It's not a purse, sweetie.

It's a stylish satchel that
houses my recording device.

Then why is there a LUNA bar in there?

They're not just for women.
They're for anybody on the go.

Now, guys, this podcast about our lives

only works if you ignore the microphone

and just act like you'd normally act.

Hello, guv'nor. I'm a British person.

Or do that.

Dad, I'm gonna need
some help with my costume

for my wax museum project.

What wax museum project?

Well, everybody dresses up
like an historical figure,

and then when someone
pushes your button,

you say something your person
famously said.

That sounds boring.
You'll be great at it.

Not having Popsicles for breakfast.

- You're mean.
- Yeah, I'm a monster.

Listen, everybody needs to be ready

to walk out that door in five.

Wait, you're taking us?

Dad, I don't love it when Mom drives.

She's not great at things
like making lefts.

Oh, stop it. Your mom's a great driver.

And luckily for you, the drive
to school is all rights.

Look, kids, I know you're used to Dad

doing a lot more of these things
because at his old job,

he had more flexible hours

and... made good money
and had great benefits

and still decided to quit
and thrust us into chaos...

Come on back, baby.

...which I am totally supportive of.

But now that he's busier,

I'm gonna be doing morning drop-off.

And today, you're gonna do
pickup, too, you said.

And... pickup today, too.

You know what... I'm actually excited

to be a little more involved.

Wait, Dad. Does that mean you're
going to miss my wax museum show?

- No! Of course!
- Are you still gonna read to me at night?

You guys, this may be
a new chapter in my career,

but nothing is going to change, okay?

As the great Lee Iacocca once said

in one of my many management books,

"You don't turn your back on family."

Or maybe that was Vin Diesel
in "Fast & The Furious 6."

Irrelevant. The point is, I got this.

Yeah. Hands in.

Whoo! Team Schuman!

- Team Schuman!
- I love you all.

I love you.

Forgot my purse.

Good morning, all.
It's just the two of us, Al.

That's my second cousin Eddie,
always giving me the business.

- Say something, Ed.
- I'm a British guy.

Why does everybody
make themselves British?

Can I just say I love
your first-day-of-work outfit.

Thank you, Deirdre Riordan,
producer, cheerleader.

I would take a bullet for Alex.

Okay, let's hope it
doesn't come to that.

Now, I have a packed agenda for today,

which begins
with an inspirational speech.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

And go.

As we venture out
on this journey together,

I want us all
to be prepared for obstacles,

both from the outside

and also from in here... in this place.

- Your nipple?
- He's pointing to his heart...

his love muscle.

Nobody's got a bigger
love muscle than Alex.

Wow. You really don't hear it, do you?

Continue, Alex.
I'm on the edge of my seat.

That's just 'cause that chair
naturally tips forward.

Yeah, why do I get the tippy chair?

Because I found the Incubator.

Al had the idea for the company.

So far, you just bounce around here

like a tiny bird on methamphetamines.

You get the good chair when you score.

- You know, you are a real piece of work.
- Guys, come on.

You know, when I practiced
this speech at home,

I held for applause, not fighting.

Now my rhythm's all off.
I'm just gonna jump to the end.

Uh, and in conclusion,

at my old job,
it was like a dictatorship.

This is going to be a democracy.

So bring on your ideas.
There are no bad ones.

Yes, Deirdre? And you don't need
to raise your hand.

I thought it would be
cool for the podcast

to weave in interviews with
successful start-up founders

whose stories might relate to yours.

Eddie, I said there were no bad ideas,

and, actually, that's a really good one.

Yeah, well,
good luck finding a major CEO

who's gonna wanna talk to us.

We just started today.

I haven't even unpacked my sauces.

Would you consider Jack Miller,

the founder of Hoardr,
a billion-dollar start-up

on the cover of this month's
Wired magazine a major CEO?

Because he's coming in
this Wednesday at 3:00.

Really?! That's amazing!

Oh, my God! A hug! I don't want that!

I need it.

Wait, did you say this Wednesday?

I have to to Ben's wax museum show.

- Can Miller re-schedule?
- I can ask,

but he is only in town for the day.

You know what... maybe it's
a blessing in disguise,

'cause Rooni been saying
she wants to get more involved.

Now she can be.

Let's do it.

Yay! Okay.

I did just a little bit of research.

Wow. I guess we're working late tonight.

And I'll be taking the good chair now.

They traded chairs
four more times that day.

And when I finally got home,
Soraya had fallen asleep

in our bedroom.

"I forgive you. This time."

I missed her.

Ohhh! She tried to stay up.

We just... we didn't think
you'd be so late.

Neither did I. My first day was crazy.

I think my employees
already hate each other.

Mm. Well, it was no picnic
around here, either.

I got to admit,
I'm a little rusty flying solo

with the whole nighttime routine.

- Mm.
- The kids get really smelly.

Yeah. Occasionally,
I give them a light Febreze.

- Oh.
- It won't always be like this, though.

Except for Wednesday.

I can't come to that wax museum thing.

- Really?
- Excuse me? You can't come?

I'm sorry, buddy,
but what are you wearing?

This is Mom's masterpiece.

What is the matter with Lincoln?

That's Lincoln? Like, Abraham Lincoln?

- Yes!
- Since when do four brown socks

stapled together look like a beard?

They're not even matching socks.
One of them's argyle.

This is why I need you, Dad.

This isn't really Mom's thing.

This whole costume
is one giant left turn.

- Okay.
- You know what,

since I can't come Wednesday,
I'll pick you up from school tomorrow,

and I'll take you to
an awesome costume shop, okay?

Sweet.

Is this really that bad?

You look like a tiny rabbi
who got stuck in the dryer.

Trying to run my business
like a democracy

still wasn't working.

Eddie and Deirdre were
arguing about everything...

...which is why I've been laying down

these hot tracks in the kitchen.

Excuse me. Hi.

Uh, there's no podcasting
in the kitchen.

Read the sign.

Oh. Sorry.

Okay, well, you're not in trouble.

I call her The Tattler.

- Al, I got to talk to you.
- Can it wait, buddy?

- I have to go buy Ben a costume.
- No, this is pressing.

Okay, so, I've been researching
these "podcasts."

You don't have to use air
quotes. They're a real thing.

Yeah, it's pretty incredible.
They got one for everything.

I learned how to knit last night.

Is that a potholder?

Well, it's gonna be a scarf,
but for now,

- it's a pocket square.
- Hmm.

Anyway, through my research,
I discovered

this outfit called Squarespace.

Yeah, they're, like, the biggest
advertisers out there.

Well, turns out, I know a guy
from the neighborhood

whose daughter works there.

Long story short, bippity boppity boop,

we got a meeting with Squarespace.

- That's incredible, Eddie!
- Yeah, yeah.

Problem is, they want to meet
tomorrow afternoon at 3:00...

same time as Deirdre's thingamajig.

- No!
- Yeah, tough break for the kid.

Not sure what you want to tell her.

Tell who what?

Okay, Deirdre, deep breath.

Eddie got a meeting
with a big advertiser,

and they can only meet
at the exact same time

as your Hoardr guy.

Looks like somebody's
back in the tippy chair.

You are so petty! You're a petty man!

I think that went pretty well.

Hey, you.

I didn't quit my job

to be the third wheel
on the Cousin Show.

You are not a third wheel, okay?

And you know what, even if you were,

you'd be the third wheel on a tricycle.

You know what happens when you lose

the third wheel of a tricycle?

You become a bicycle,
and you can go much faster.

You know what, forget that analogy.

I just feel like advertisers invest

in a good product, Alex.

Our first priority
should be to make one.

You're right. You're right.

I'll go talk to him.

I got to pick up my kids.

Hey, you.

I'm kind of thinking we should
reschedule Squarespace.

Oh ho. This is how it's gonna be, huh?

You two used to work together,
so now it's you against me.

No.

Al, I have real-world
business expertise.

You really gonna trust
some bookworm nerd

who wouldn't know a smart business move

if it took her to dinner?

Which it never would,
because she gets an F in boobs.

I'll have you know
that they are A's, sir. A's.

I'm sorry, Alex, but I cannot
work with him. I quit.

Yeah, well, good luck, Tinker Bell.

We're gonna miss your spunk.

No, she is not quitting.

Okay, then I guess I'm outta here.

No, guys! Come on,
are you serious right now?

I'm storming out this way.
You storm out that way.

Deirdre!

Dad, you ready to go get my costume?

Oh, hey, buddy. I'm having a
little bit of a work emergency.

Dad, don't do this to me.

You know what, come to think of it,

that Lincoln costume was pretty badass.

'Sup, Schuman?

Did you see that?

- Was that Daniel Day-Lewis?
- I'm screwed.

Please don't be mad at me, babe.

I'm dealing with a crisis.
I owe you one.

It's fine.

A kid who got his law degree
last Wednesday

is covering my case,
but I'm sure him asking,

"When do I get a turn with
the gavel?" isn't a bad sign.

I know this isn't your thing,
but look on the bright side.

Maybe you'll have fun.

Mom, there's a warlock aisle!

- There's a warlock aisle?
- I got to go.

Ben, honey,
you just got to pick something.

We still have five more errands to run!

Stop rushing me!

Why is he taking so long?

He's an old man
trapped in a child's body.

God! I wish Dad were here.

Yeah... you and me both.

This is a place for joy and laughter.

I know. I know it is.

I'm a great mom, okay?

I'm just... I'm supposed to be in court.

Me too.

Shhhhh.

Ben, sweetheart.
You take all the time you need.

We are gonna find you
the perfect costume.

- Gracias, se�ora.
- De nada.

Guys, neither of you can quit, okay?

Is this really about the tippy chair?

'Cause I'll take
the stupid tippy chair, okay?

And P.S.... it's not even broken.

All you got to do is pull
on this little lever thingy...

Gaah!

Okay, that chair is broken.

Look, Al, with all due respect
to Little Miss Sunshine,

if I give up on this,
she'll think she can

always just whine her way to victory.

- Oh, I haven't even begun to whine.
- I told you both...

I want this to be the kind of place

where we talk things through
and decide together.

I don't want to be some
tyrannical leader like...

- Napoleon!
- Napoleon! Nailed it. I'll go pay.

Mom! Dad would be debating
the pros and cons

of each costume with me.

Okay.

Uh...

Pros... you look so handsome.

You've tried on 67 other costumes,

and, uh, Napoleon was a very
interesting historical figure.

Con... Napoleon was a
megalomaniacal dictator

who reintroduced slavery to Haiti.

Thanks a lot, Donna.

- No worries.
- Ugh! Ben!

I can't do this, okay?

I'm no good at it.

I mean, what would your dad
be doing right now?

He'd probably be telling me
who his heroes are.

- Who are your heroes?
- Well...

Okay, so, the trust falls were a bust.

Let's try another round of
"When you, I feel."

I'll go first.

When you two fight, I feel sad.

Eddie?

When you talk,
I feel like you're an idiot.

When you breathe,
I wish that you wouldn't.

- She didn't say "feel." I win.
- He is not doing this right!

- It is not a competition, you two!
- Put her out of her misery.

Hey! Hi!

There's no arguing in the common areas.

Read the sign!

W-We're sorry. We're sorry.

You know what, she's right.

Sometimes when my kids
are arguing, I just walk away,

and they mysteriously work it out.

So I'm gonna go home and read to Soraya

while you two figure out who's
gonna cancel their meeting.

I'll be ready for either one
in the morning. Okay?

"If you're reading this,
you can tell I'm asleep.

What you can't tell is, I'm mad!"

I'm so sorry, baby.

I'm so sorry. I'm a bad daddy.

I'm so sorry.

I missed her... again.

Well, it's only two days.

You'll have plenty of chances
to read to her.

Not if I can't get Eddie
and Deirdre to work together.

I thought this was gonna be a democracy,

where we make big decisions together

and eat lunch together
and steal Hulu together.

By the way, who walks away
from a trust fall?

I trusted them.

Does it make it better or worse

to hear that my day went really well?

Oh, the costume shop.
I forgot to ask. How'd it go?

- Did you find something great?
- I think so.

Just, please promise me
that you'll keep an open mind.

Of course.

Ben, honey, come on out.

Whoa.

Are you going as Grandma Esther?

- He's Eleanor Roosevelt!
- Ohhhh.

Press my button, Dad.

Okay.

A woman is like a tea bag.

You can't tell how strong she is

until you put her in hot water.

What do you think?

I'm having so many thoughts.

I just... I need...
I do need a quick second

to focus in on one of them.

Oh, darn it!
I got to go change my stockings.

Can you believe
these already have a run?

Do you know what the other kids
are gonna do to him?

He's dressed like a woman
with a quote about tea bags.

Oh, come on! He'll be fine.

Right?

Good morning, guys.

- Did you agree on something?
- We did.

We agreed that one of the two meetings

was much more important than the other.

I knew you two could work it out.

So, which one did you decide
was more important?

See, that, we did not agree on.

- Wait, what?
- I couldn't do it, Alex.

This meeting means
too much to the company.

I refuse to let you down.

I also refuse to let you down,
but more so.

So, wait. They're both on their
way at the exact same time?

What am I supposed to do,

bounce back and forth
from meeting to meeting?

Well, if you had a good enough excuse

to step out for a second or two.

I was being sarcastic. This is insanity.

I think it could work.

I'll make up a list of excuses
for you to slip out.

No, no, no, no, no!

I'm not gonna memorize something.

I can't believe you two.

You know, at Northwestern,
I dabbled a bit with the improv.

I guess I'll just go with the flow

and see where I get...

...flowed to.

Wow, amazing improv, boss.

Yeah, it's pretty intuitive
once you learn the techniques.

I just say the first thing
that comes to my mind.

The first thing that comes to my mind.

Table, chair, lamp.

Uh, papers, phone.

And we're projecting 100,000 listeners

across all platforms,

so that's something we're
really, really excited about,

and we hope you'll want to be involved.

Oh. Could you excuse me
just for one second?

My... My wife is having
a little bit of an issue.

Oh. Sure.

I'll be right back.

He's a little antsy
about having to wait,

so turn on the charm.
I don't want him to bail.

Charm set to "Stun."

Mr. Miller. Sorry about that.

I'm dealing with a little bit
of a childcare dilemma.

Yikes. Childcare.

- You know my first start-up tip?
- Mm.

I think it's selfish to build
a business when you have kids.

I think family makes you
worse at your job.

That's why I don't have any.

- Well, I...
- Neither does Alex.

I thought you said you were
having a childcare dilemma.

- I... I am, but...
- They're not his children.

Deirdre, I can handle
the talking, so thank you.

Whose children are they?

They're not mine. Mnh-mnh.

The... The children were left...

on my desk...

...next to my papers.

Uh, excuse me while I deal
with my orphans.

What are you doing? You're
supposed to wait in the room.

She's trying to leave.
I ran out of small talk.

We got to improv hard. Come in hot.

I'm coming in hot.

We are so sorry.

- His wife's in the hospital.
- What?

No. No, she's not.

Yes, she is. You can tell them.

Oh, God!

It's just a tiny... bone thing.

- She broke a bone?
- Well, not a major bone.

I'd say both legs are pretty major.

Eddie, what are you...

Aah! Aah!

Sorry. I'm so... That is...
That's my assistant with...

Probably with an update on those legs.

What?

Why are you in the window?
I just sat down in there.

He's about to walk. We are at DEFCON 10!

There is no DEFCON 10!

Okay, everything's okay with my wife.

Your wife? I thought you said

you were taking care
of some stranger's kids.

I, uh...

- Table! Chair! Lamp!
- What?

This is not working.

Mr. Miller,
I have to be honest with you.

Aah!

Oh, God.

Wait, you're telling me
your plan was to do

the thing from "Mrs. Doubtfire"?

- That didn't even work in the movie.
- I know.

I should never have left those
two alone to figure it out.

I was trying to make it home
to read to Soraya.

Maybe that guy Jack Miller is right.

Maybe this is why
you shouldn't start a company

when you're a 37-year-old dad.

Hey, we're all doing stuff
we're not used to doing.

You know, I was sort of
resentful these past few days

because you put all
this new stuff on my plate,

but I realized I was
just feeling insecure.

Eddie and Deirdre
are just like you and me.

We're all scared we're not
gonna be able to handle this,

but guess what.

I think we are.

Check this out.

Wait, he won?!

Yeah, I won! With Mom's idea!

Congrats, buddy.

Show me some of the other kids.
You know... the losers.

Okay. Hold on.

The only real valuable thing

is intuition.

You get a car!

You get a car! You get a car!

Aren't these costumes amazing?

Wait, wait. Press Ben's button.

Oh, yeah. Hold on one second.

I can't tell you how to succeed,

but I can tell you how to fail.

Try to please everybody.

Thanks, Eleanor. I got to go.

- You can book all the CEOs you want.
- Okay, this is ridiculous.

- If we don't have an advertiser, we're not...
- Hey, did they leave yet?

Yeah, but I think
they're still downstairs.

Okay, go get them all and put
them in the conference room.

I'm gonna do both meetings together.

- Al, I think that ship has sailed.
- He's not gonna want to be a show pony.

That's my decision!

- Damn.
- Alex.

Guys, sit down for a second, please.

I know you think you don't have
anything in common, okay?

But here's something
you do have in common.

You both want this company to succeed.

I want your passion. I-I do.

I-I want you to care so much

that you refuse to change your meeting.

But in the end,
someone is gonna have to decide

which direction we're heading.

And from here on out,
that someone is gonna be me.

Now, go get all those people

and put them in the conference room now.

And that was how,

with the help of a little boy
in kitten heels,

I figured out that all I really
had to do was lead.

Once Eddie and Deirdre understood

that this wasn't quite
a democracy, they relaxed

and started working together.

The three of us were able
to show the advertisers

and Jack Miller that this was
exactly what our show would be.

By the end, we'd sold everyone.

But you know what?

That wasn't even
the best part of my day.

"If you're reading this,

that means you're about to be tickled!"

I gotcha! I gotcha!

And even now, lying here,
I can't stop thinking

about what Jack Miller said...

about how having a family
makes you worse at your job.

I wish I could tell him he's wrong.

I wish I could walk up to him
and say, "Hey, Jack,

you're missing out.

Because today, I succeeded
not in spite of my family,

but because of them."

Shh!

Sorry, honey.

Gotta go. Bye.

Knit one, purl one.

Knit one, purl two.

Knit one, purl one.

Knit one... you guessed it... purl two.

Wouldn't this be easier
to learn from YouTube?!

What's YouTube?

You guys! Look how amazing
this new chair is.

It rolls so fast.

Guys, watch. I'll get a running start.

Next, we should make a onesie.

For an adult or a baby?!

Adult.

I'm in!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com