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Come on, Cass.

Cassandra.

Cassandra.

Come on, Cass.
Don't be afraid.

Cassandra.

You're gonna be all right.

All right, that's good pumpkin.

That's good.

Now, just roll the ball.

Episode 37, bowling.

Sport of the people.

Over 100 million people in fact,

in over 90 countries
across the globe.

My dad was bowler.

He was bowler my whole life.

All the other girls
wanted to marry Zack Morris.

But I loved Pete weber.

Pete accomplished
more by the time he was 30

than 99% of all athletes

in any other sport ever will.

Dad idolized Pete.

Maybe in a few too many ways.

Oh, if you're wondering
why I'm using the past tense.

Well, my dad...

He died.

Sure, he wasn't perfect.

But I think maybe
he was just lonely.

He always had me though,
his little girl.

He'd get back
from the lanes just so frustrated

or happy or whatever

and just want to spend time
with me.

No more pins,
no more score sheets.

No more expectations.

Just me and him and the movies.

We had the usual
back then of course.

"Airplane," "caddyshack,"
"blazing saddles."

But as the years went
on a clear favorite emerged,

"the big Lebowski."

So in just under a month,
just like every year,

I'll break away
from my snoozefest

network ad sales job

and cover Louisville's own,
Lebowski fest.

So, if you think about it,

maybe make a special point
to come say hi this year.

It is after all the first time
after 30 years

that my best friend won't be
right there by my side.

Because now, he's gone.
And I'm just lonely too.

Pete Weber...

This is really all his fault.

My third decade of existence
is rapidly coming to a close

and what do I have
to show for it?

- Well, look, girl...
- I read something earlier.

Oh, no, Cass, please, don't.

It said the average age
of marriage

for a female professional
college graduate

in the Southern region
of the United States is 26.

- You told me.
- Yeah. Two-six.

- I mean, between 26 and 30.
- That's why I don't read.

Well, you're seeing
that one guy.

What's his name?
Mister perfect game. Danny.

Oh, Donnie?

Yeah, you said he was
pretty dreamy, right?

Forget marriage.
Aim low.

- Low. -Easy. Boyfriend status.
Okay?

We'll go from there.

Baby steps, best friend.
Baby steps.

- Uh-huh. -Plus, you
said he's gorgeous.

And he bowled a what?
A high bowl... score.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm.

You're so pretty.

Of course.

- Barrels all around, sir.
- All right then, here we go.

Crunch time, boys. Less than
a month to montage it up.

We gotta show that son of a...

Practice practice nonstop

till we're outbowling
these jerks in our sleep.

Man, you're taking
this awfully personal.

He's the Lando to my Han,
shuttle boy.

You're damn right
I'm taking it personal.

- Now let's bowl.
- You guys bowl in your sleep.

Look, Cassie, the last thing
you wanna do is get married.

I've done it
like, twice now, trust me.

So, just forget about it, and
let's concentrate on getting you

- a date with Donnie again.
- You're right, you're right,

you're right, you're right.
It's perfect.

I'll just get Donnie to marry me

in the next 29 days
before I turn 30.

- Wait, I'm not sure...
- Mm-hmm.

- Wow. -Says the girl
showing some initiative.

- Give her some credit.
- Thanks.

I mean, come on, you two.

The timing's perfect, okay?

And the universe
is clearly speaking to me.

It's fate
because in the next 29 days

I will not only be way past 26,

I'm gonna be out
of my frickin' 20s completely.

So, that's it,
that's how much time I have

to find a suitable lifemate.

Maybe it's Donnie,
Maybe it's not.

But it's a pretty good start.

So now, I need to fall
in love with him,

convince him that he has
fallen in love with me

then there's the plot
and give some elaborate...

- Oh, my god.
- Who the hell is that?

Oh, my god, oh, my god,
I can't believe it. It's fate.

I told you. It's him.

You are talking about
the attractive one, right?

- Oh, my god, is that...
- Pete Weber?

- No. Julie, that's him.
That's Donnie. -Huh?

Oh... oh, yeah.

With the guys
from the movies store.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's weird.

Hey, is that...
Is that the chick from TV?

Yeah, I think.

That... that's her.

Oh, wow, yeah.

Come on,
pick up your jaw, lover boy.

- It's your turn. -All right,
come on, go for it then.

- Okay.
- Wait, wait. Hold the phone.

Wait.
You're on board with this?

- Oh, hell yeah. -This is...
this is the first set

- of goofy guys...
- Jules, she's right.

I mean...

Today, all this,

I just feel sort of numb, okay?

So, let's do something fun.

I need it, right?

I don't know.
Let's get me hitched.

Okay. All right.
Yeah, fine. Yeah.

- Yeah? Great
- yeah, sure.

Come on, tits up, ass out.

- Oh, god! -I told you, man,
I'm no good at this, dude.

Yeah, well, you better get good.

- You're stressing me out.
- I love you, man,

but dude,
this is a little too much.

What the hell is he doing?

And what's the deal
with anybody says "calm down"

you freak out.

You know how important
it is that we just...

You know that...

That we win this thing.

So just, don't tell me
to calm down, right?

Or chill out.
Or take it easy.

So, all right, who wants a beer?

- What?
- Yeah, dude.

How are we still beerless?

Go on, or do you want me

to give that pony
a little test ride first?

Oh, uh.

- No.
- Okay.

Four, Mike.

I'm sorry.
Um...

Well, this might very well
come off the wrong way...

Yeah, I'm on television.

Oh, no, I was
actually, I think...

Don't...
Haven't I seen you?

Me? Oh.

You work
at the video store, right?

Oh, right, yeah.

It's just so funny

seeing people outside the store.

Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.

So, you like beer, huh?

Yeah. Yeah,
these barrels especially.

Barrels?

- Oh, the beer, it's made
in bourbon... -yeah.

So, they used to do in the...

- you know what, never mind, it's dumb.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.

So, you guys getting
some frames in tonight?

Oh, no, no, no.
Just boozing it up.

Ladies' night, you know?

Bad beer, bad service.

Don't people know
not to come in here?

- Hey, I heard that.
- Oh, no man. No, not you.

It's from "desperado."
She was just...

- Quoting.
- Thank you.

"Sorrya."

It was either
"sorry" or "see ya"

- and then finish.
- Could you be any more lame?

I know.

I am the most awkward
human being alive.

What are you, starstruck?

Yep, totally her.

- Who's up?
- Oh. You, dick face.

Ah.

Look at her.
She's emotionally wrecked.

Who knows what's
going on upstairs.

I say we ride this out.

I think we need
to encourage her.

Look it's gonna be fun,
and I bet it'll even end up

being just a little bit
good for her.

Maybe even for us too.

- Yes.
- I bet you $100

he can go from now
through the tournament

speaking in just movie quotes.

- Are you serious?
- Think about it. $100.

Can't make it from now
till the tournament.

I'd almost feel dirty
taking your money, okay?

- Almost.
- Don't do it.

"You don't beat the person,
you beat the pins."

"Dreamer," '79.

- Man down... i mean, woman down.
- Oh, that's gonna hurt.

- Christ on a cracker.
- Oh, man, are you okay?

- Jesus, what happened? Hey.
- Son of a biscuit.

- Are you all right?
- Oh.

What are you doing?

- Brandy.
- Oh. Watch where you're going.

Hey, Donnie.
Can I bum a smoke?

What the hell is she doing here?

- Shouldn't she be in bed?
- Well, friend, it looks like

that is exactly
what she's working on.

I have some
and you can have them.

Leave.
Miss you.

Sorry.

That was my bad all the way.

I spilled my beer there earlier.

No, no, no.
It's fine.

Gravity hates me.

So I fall down a lot and um...

- Anyway, my name is Sheldon.
- Hi.

- This is Chris.
- Hello.

Oh, what was your name?
I didn't catch it before.

Uh...
Well...

I'm Batman.

Oliver. I'm sorry,
his name is Oliver.

Oh. Cassie.

So, do you guys come here often?

We practically live here lately.

Used to. Me anyway.

Donald.
It's fancy seeing you here.

Huh. Hi.

Ah. Seems like you two
already know each other.

Well, that's great, you
guys have all already met.

So, if you'll excuse us

we do have some serious business

- to get back to, so.
- Oh, right.

Sure, of course.

- Right, boys?
- Gotta bowl it up.

- So...
- We're around. All right.

That's what you do

when you're
at the bowling alley.

Bowling.

- It's good to see you.
- Thank you.

I like your eyebrows.

He's like a child that wanders

in the middle of a movie night.

Donnie!

Hey.

Hey, baby.
How's my girl?

Sweetie, what's the matter?

What's the matter?
Ah, dad's funeral was today.

Now, come on,
now that you're finally home

let's go out
and cheer up a bit, huh?

What do you say?

No.

Did you go out
to that bowling alley?

Maybe.

- What'd I tell you?
- Whatever.

And you're 50 years old.
You're not going out.

Mama did tell you not to go
to that bowling alley.

It's not my fault
you're all extra sad now.

They released a study, mama.

Mm, I read the same paper
you do, pumpkin, remember?

I saw it.

I've been waiting on you
for years to get married

and all of a sudden
it's in print

it's worthy of your attention.

I know.

Anyway, that range went
all the way up to 30.

I never married.

Look what it got me.
All this.

This is my apartment.

Exactly, sweetie.

I miss him, mama.

Welcome to Heine brothers',
where you can now try

one of our delicious
pumpkin mocha lattes

for just $2.99.

This is Sheldon,
how may I help you?

You all got any beer in there?

It's 7:00 in the...

Got them...
Got them bottles in there...

Sir, you have to come in
for the beer, okay?

It's drive... we can't... i can't
give you a beer in your car.

To go. Get it to go, please.

Super size.

Drive around, chunky.

Look, you play redneck
far too well.

I'm a man of many talents.

What are you two guys
doing up so early?

Inventory day.
How 'bout you?

Still beats unemployment, okay?

Hey, and besides,
Marcel Marceau there

has a few crap jobs.

Does he catch this much hell?
I think not.

Yeah, I don't know.
Señor Marceau over here

wants to know your thoughts

on our new friend
from last night.

Oh, well, you know,
I've always been

more of a Mary Ann
over ginger kind of guy.

No, dude, the other one.

- Clumsy. -She was hot, I
guess, for a white girl.

I mean...
And she seemed cool, too.

You know, I mean hot
as in good looking, cool...

Figure it out.

Well, I'm not sure
but I'm thinking maybe

our buddy Ollie here
might be sweet on her too.

- Ah.
- Bonus oddity,

seems like
she's in the store a lot,

and yet somehow
I've never met her before.

Hmm. Doesn't seem
so strange to me, you know,

because all you do
is sit in the back room

and play with yourself.

I'm a manager, I'm managing.

Well, thank you once again
for your impeccable service...

I can't hear you.
Not sure what you're saying.

Please extend
my compliments to the chef.

It's delicious chocolate drink.

Good day, sir.

So, don't forget
our retro pick of the week

airing on Wdrb
this Friday night,

it's "captain Ron."

That's Martin short,
the Caribbean,

and Kurt Russell's
best comedic work

this side of "overboard."

So, until next time,
everyone remember,

don't ever say pass
until you hear from Cass.

You're clear.

Can we go now?

Julie, has she heard
the big news?

- Oh.
- What big news?

Right. Cass,
brace up, okay?

So that guy,
you always talk about,

- big bowling guy.
- Yeah.

Apparently he's coming to town.

Your boy, Pete "weeber"
is gonna be in

the Lebowski fest tournament.

- Wait, Pete Weber?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh! Why?
- I just got word from the PBA.

Your little crappy
local tournament

- is gonna be the home for their
brand-new... -oh, my god.

Amateur world series
of bowling event.

There's gonna be
a lot of really important

- bowling people there.
- And... and...

- Is that real? That's real?
- And cherry on top.

- Cherry. -While there
aren't as many people

watching bowling
as there used to be.

It's still a metric butt ton

more than we tend to get
for that time slot

so we're gonna shoot
the tourney live

- oh, my god!
- For the PBA.

What? Get out!

I'm... I got really excited,
I love you.

- I know.
- Okay, let's hold hands.

Hi, I'd like to buy a movie...

Can you help me?

Okay, so it has
that guy from that movie

with that girl
and they were in love.

And they were in love and...

"no, you can't help me"
or you don't have the movie?

"Unfortunately
it is out of print."

So, can you maybe like,
order it for me?

Oh, my god!

"Out of print"
means out of effing print!

It is no longer produced
for retail sale.

You get nothing.
You lose!

Good day, sir!

What? I said, "effing."

Oh, hey. Hey.
How's it going?

Hi, not much.
Just got off of work.

Oh, down at the station?

Yes. I'm in ad sales.

Oh, oh, creepy.
Right.

Yeah, no, we listen
to the podcast all the time.

- Big, big fans.
- Oh.

You're the only critic
we'll actually cite.

Anyway, you talk about
where you work a lot

and we just put
two and two together

after seeing you out
with action news,

Julie Simms, last night.

Yeah. She's a character.

So... well, thanks.
But I prefer, anti-critic.

It's silly but I try
to play up the good ones

the real critics gave a bad rap.

It's our spin anyway.

Hey, do you guys have
video games?

You were saying.

Yeah, I just passed
a little girl

bawling her eyes out.

Did you make her cry?

- You?
- We only torment the ignorant.

We're simply trying to maintain

a respectful client base.

I mean, I know you understand.

You started
buying Blu-rays

- how many years ago?
- A while.

Yeah. Plus I've had
to work my ass off

ever since that guy clammed up.

Look, just 'cause you pour syrup
on it, don't make it pancakes.

- What is that? That's not even...
- Wait.

This whole thing

is really starting to backfire.

Is that from, um...

- "Juice." Yeah.
- Yes!

- Yeah, one of those hood
movies from the '90s. -Uh-huh.

- Lesser known, but definitely
one of the finer. -Definitely.

Anyway,
the "dork knight" over here

is speaking solely
in movie quotes now.

Just a little bet
between friends.

He's been impressive so far

but also much,
much more annoying

than initially anticipated.

Yeah, we gave him yes and no,

but anything else,
he's gotta be ready

with a title and character name

- if questioned.
- What we got here

is a failure to communicate.

- Challenge. - "Cool hand
Luke." The captain.

- There it is.
- Okay.

Neat. Oh.

I came in for new releases,
but you don't have any.

Yeah, yeah, no there are some,

but none worth putting
on the board.

Oh.

Only goes anymore
are the old reissues anyway.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Really weird,
potentially creepy question

- from me now.
- Yes, please.

Okay, would y'all wanna get
interviewed sometime for the...

Oh, for the Lebowski fest
podcast coming up.

Well, no promises,
but average Joes movies.

- I don't know yet, but.
- You know what,

I'm actually, I'm really glad

that you asked.

- Speaking of creepy town,
population us. -Uh-huh.

What are you doing
later tonight?

Oh, I don't know.
Why, what's going on?

Oh, just our weekly
board game night!

- Oh.
- Super cool, I know.

But it's actually
a pretty laid back good time.

Ollie's mom is actually
on house arrest again

so we're short
a person this week.

I don't know, yeah.

It actually sounds really fun.

So, let me know and I'll see
if I can pencil you in.

Great, yeah, why don't I,

I'll just write down directions

- for you, just in case.
- Cool.

Hmm, why do you got that handy?

You know what,
why don't you just...

You wanna just text it to me?

Well, well, well,

look at little miss fancy pants.

- With the business card here.
- So fancy.

Got your name on it
and everything.

- I do, yeah.
- That's nice.

Okay, so yeah, just let me know

and you know like, um...

Well, like...

Maybe I'll see you later, okay?

Right, that's what happens.

Check you later.

- Ow.
- Dork.

Cass, seriously, they
live above the bowling alley?

What?
This the address he sent me.

Are you even sure
Donnie's gonna be here?

- I hope so.
- No more cancellations...

- Hey, what's going on?
- Hey.

Tough practice commute, huh?

Ah, yep. Temporary.

Come on in.
Make yourselves at home.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Chris should be back
with Ollie any minute.

Can I get your coats?

- Yes, thanks.
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Thanks. Okay.

- Okay.
- Yes.

Nice...
It's a nice place.

- It's a fixer-upper.
- Right.

- Thank you.
- Sure. Nice.

- So, can I get you anything?
- I was...

- Can I use the restroom?
- Absolutely.

Right through that door.

Okay.

My name's Sheldon by the way.

I'm Julie by the way.

Nobody put baby in a corner.

Hey, hey...
Oh, hey.

- Hi. -Guess I did
that right after all, huh?

- What, text? Oh, yes, you did.
- Huh?

Well done.

Guys, this is my friend, Julie.

Brought along for the ride,
hope that's okay.

- Hi.
- Oh, yeah. Random gathering

with some dudes you barely know,

- of course you did. -No!
That's not why I brought her.

What did I tell you,
worst rape trap ever.

- Nice. He's kidding.
- Okay.

Seems like
everyone's here, right?

- Oh. Wait, wait. Sorry.
- So, shall we?

- This is everybody? -Yeah,
why, were you expecting...

Hit me again...

Oh, right, you probably thought

little Donnie would be here.

- Oh, no, i... I mean... maybe.
- Hand job.

Hand job?

- Hand job?
- So, um...

Chris, Ollie, ladies,

this week, yeah...

It's dominoes.

Two. Two...

Cheers.

So wobbly.

- Thank you. -Cass, I'm gonna
take a tour of the house.

- You're serious?
- Yeah, Chris, I'm gonna go over to the...

- Right. Take your time.
- I love you.

I will, brother.

Miss you.

I...

- So... -I guess
they are done playing.

You know, I think I am too.

You guys wanna watch a movie
or something?

It's like you're in my head.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, were we supposed to like,

do some sort of interview or...

- Movie first? Great.
- Sure.

Let's find one.

Oh, it's a tiny
little baby collection.

Yeah... shel's not much
of a movie buff.

I keep mine back in the vault.

Hey, let's go, boys.
Time is honey.

Oh, I love that movie.

- Oh, I got it. The criterion.
- Oh.

- Brb.
- Great.

I always say that...

"Can't hardly wait"...

Hands down...

One of the greatest...

Comedies...

Ah...

Ever...

What's the trouble bubble?

Oh...

So, your friend is cool.
She's all right.

- Hmm?
- I mean, your friend's okay.

Like she's all right.
I'm gonna get some shots.

You know,
she wasn't feeling well.

She, well, she had something
on her face.

And so I helped her.

She just wasn't...
You know,

I did...
Being a gentleman...

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

To new friends.

I'll be back.

I can't feel my legs.

- Ooh, yeah.
- Are you okay?

I'm great.
I feel really good about it.

- Okay.
- Hey, look at your rug.

He's fine.

She's acting weird, man.

Yeah.
Hey, Cassie.

Hey, sweetie.

- Hey, you okay?
- We own a highlighter.

It rattles.
You have a baby rattle?

- Hey, yeah?
- I'm just so awake.

Can you hear it sing?

Yo, Chris,

what did I tell you about
leaving these things?

- Doggies so smiley.
- Oh, my g.

Oh, my god.
Uh, Cassie?

Cassie, hey, hey, Cassie.

Hey, look listen.

You might have accidently taken

some experimental hallucinogens,

okay?

Do you remember around what time

you might have taken
the dissolving?

Your eyes are so weird.

- You just took one, right?
- Look, we gotta get her home.

What else could possibly happen?

Everything's so pretty.

- What's wrong with you?
- Aha, no way, come on.

Ricky.
"Boyz n the hood."

Dude, what is with you
and hood movies?

You know you're white, right?

- I was born a poor black child.
- Shut up.

And what do you mean,
"what's wrong?"

I mean, look at her.

Man, look, it's just been

a bad past few days, all right?

Remember that little rendezvous

I had the other day?

Turns out that was just
the humble beginnings

of an altogether crapsicle
of a week.

You mean you want someone
to screw on the first date?

- Okay, that is... - "Animal
house." Her name was Katy.

No, man look, okay,

sex or no,
it just turned out to be

a complete disaster, all right.

Suitorette,
this guy's a homophobe.

Homophobe? No.

Dude. I just hate
closeted poster boy

with a lisp.

I mean, regular ordinary gay
is just fine

you know, what am I,
self-hating now?

Anyway, just that, this,

he who shall not be named

coming into our pro shop
the other day.

Ollie, I swear to god

if we don't win this tournament.

- I'm really thirsty.
- Milk.

- Huh? -Drink nothing but milk
for like the next ten hours.

Okay, trust me.
It's a base,

it'll balance your system,
I promise.

What?
I travel a lot.

Hmm.

Hey, why are we even still doing

the whole movie line thing
anyway?

You should just be helping me
decide how to spend my $100.

I knew you wouldn't make it
through the tournament.

Ex-squeeze me,
baking powder?

Dude, you totally
boned the bet and you know it.

That whole alcoholic etymology
speech

- back there.
- No, night chef.

- Say that again.
- Yeah, "night shift."

Batman, the fonz,
pimp hookers from the morgue.

- Ron Howard?
- I rule.

You might be the only suitor
I will have ever met

for sleeping beauty back there

and that useless
random knowledge contest.

- Thank you.
- Phone home.

Okay, here we are.
Now look.

A few things you have
to remember.

Sleep.
Do not go to sleep

until you are like really
unbearably tired.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Drink lots of milk,
nothing but milk.

And don't handle
any sharp objects or anything.

- Hmm.
- You sure you're gonna be okay?

Mm-hmm.

- Is that highlighter?
- Yeah.

- It's moving.
- I'm just...

I'm just gonna walk you in.

Oh.

Hmm.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Mm.

- Good night, pretty lady.
- Mm-hmm.

See ya.

Hey, baby.

- What are you doing?
- I'm heading to the club.

- 2:00 in the morning.
- So? I'm really early.

What do you say, huh?
Come with?

- Yeah.
- Yeah! All right.

Okay, let's go.
Woo!

These lights are loud.

- It's pretty tame, huh?
- S... white taint? Gross.

- What do you want to drink?
- Oh, um,

I want a milk.

Yeah, baby, it's a bar.

- Yeah.
- No, seriously.

- Hey! Mama D's here.
- Hi!

- Hi. -After all, I do
have a rep to uphold.

I'm supposed to do...
Oh, hi, friend.

What is... mm.
That smells like juice.

I wanna drink juice instead.

- Oh. Whatever pumpkin.
- Let's have fun.

- One OJ coming up.
- Okay.

OJ.

Tastes like oranges.

Sounds like oranges.

Woo.

What up, stud?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Fancy meeting you here.
- Yeah, right.

Oh...

Oh, are you, um,
I mean with the business?

- What? No. No.
- No?

- No. -But you're
wearing a bracelet.

It's just crazy hard

to get straight guys
to go out to clubs.

I just, all of a sudden realized

that's maybe why
we only went on one date.

Well, you know what?
Let's fix that.

- I'll fix it.
- How 'bout this Saturday?

- At 8:00.
- Mm-hmm.

- Really? Sure.
- Yeah. Call me.

I have a new number though.

- Mm-hmm?
- Yeah. It's 5-5-5...

D-o-n-e.

- Like me. Donnie.
- Oh. Okay.

I finally got it.
I'm so psyched.

- That's cool.
- Okay.

- Till then.
- Yeah.

- Should i...
- Yep.

Okay.

- That was easy.
- Where the hell were you?

Cheers, baby.

Episode 42,

the GBF has a long and storied

cinematic tradition.

Rupert Everett
in "my best friend's wedding."

My boy, Ethan embry's Bobby ray

in "sweet home Alabama."

Damian from "mean girls."

I mean, come on, ducky.

Usually both wise and whacky,

the gay best friend
can often serve a vital role

in the romantic arcs
and escapades

of their lady companions.

Not that they never seem to get

their own fairy tale endings.

- Well, good morning sunshine.
- Oh, go to hell.

Wait, we're already here.
So, it's fine.

Oh, my god, have you slept
at all yet?

I mean, look at me.
Just take it in.

Oh, my god.
I'm seriously so sorry.

But hey, look, this is where
I start to make it up to you.

Right? What are you,
what are you drinking?

Oh, no. Sleepy.
Drink, bad.

Okeydokey, Mike.
Water for her, please.

And just root beer.

Jules. Shel. Bourbon.

- And then people fell down. -Yeah,
they got pretty close quick, huh?

Yeah, I'm never touching

a stupid dissolving ever again.

I can't believe
I just left her there.

Place blame
where it belongs, okay?

It was not the work
of any ordinary breath mint

substitute, all right.

It was completely my fault.

Besides, I think
that she made out just fine.

If you know what I mean.

- No pun intended.
- Last night...

As tired as I was,
guess who I saw out.

Yeah, I heard.
Are you excited?

- You heard? How?
- Social media.

- Wow.
- Look, I'm kinda in between

fairy princesses right now.

So, just so you're aware,
a position is open.

And you are being considered.

- So...
- Thank you.

But I'll be honest,
I'm sort of nervous.

I think that Donnie
is seeing someone else.

- Seeing someone?
- Yeah.

- Other than himself?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, last night one of
the guys said something,

he was out,
because he wasn't there.

So, he was...
He was getting...

Come on.

Someone said he was getting a...

I'm not following.

Is this how you do it?
I don't know.

- I'm sorry.
- He said that...

- Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, okay, no.
- Mm-hmm.

Look, Donnie... Donnie
is a hand model.

And he was on a job, a hand job.

I mean, are you kidding?

He's... I mean,
he's never mentioned

anything about being
a hand model.

- Yeah, amongst other things.
- Fascinating.

Yeah, he likes to think
that he's an actor.

Okay.

It's not as bad
as that I might make it sound.

He's actually
a pretty decent guy.

I mean, I guess I just assumed

he was on the tour,
but he's an actor?

- Hmm, great bowler.
- Yeah, go figure.

He's also one premium grade

- piece of man ass.
- Yeah, that's true.

- I mean, he's as dumb as a snowman.
- Mm-hmm.

But who needs brains
when your other columns

are that full.

Yeah, no, it's right
up my alley.

- Intended.
- Nice.

- How about this one?
- Mm-hmm.

Speaking of hard wood,

- mm-hmm.
- Let's hit it.

Well played.
Let's do this.

So, what's going on
with the interview.

Not sure yet, but...
Ooh, can you grab that?

Yeah. Of course.

We can talk to you guys
about movies, bowling,

stuff you don't really know about.

And then I'm gonna turn it
into, like...

Oh. Well, hey buddy.

Long time no see.

Practicing up
for the big tourney?

Hey, we're just shooting
the breeze here.

It's good to see you again.
Where're the guys at?

- Hey, Oliver.
- Get out...

Of this bowling alley.

Yeah, man.
We're on our way.

See you in a few weeks.

And best to Sheldon too.

May the best man...

Well, you know the rest.

No.

So, what's with pleats McGEE?

So, big night Saturday, huh?

- Just a make sure Donnie
doesn't bump into... -what?

Or fall off anything,

at least until after
the tournament.

Okay.

I can hear how ugly that is.

Hey, you found
your own place yet?

Yeah, mommy's looking, pumpkin.

Mm-hmm.

Ugh, yeah, yeah.
Cass pillar.

Just like that.

No kidding.
I hate you.

Oh, baby, look, I been...

Come on, sit down here minute,
I wanna talk to you.

Okay.

I loved your daddy.

More than I'll ever be able
to let on I think.

He gave me the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Of course, you two...

Oh, you two had something,
that's for sure.

You were everything to him.

He would stand by anything
you decided to do.

So if this

mission thing
is that important to you,

just go for it.

Okay?

But Cassie, please,
just don't get hurt.

That's my girl.

- Mom, answer that.
- You're insane, child.

I nearly got
this son of a bitch beat.

Hi, oh, crap.
I forgot my purse.

Oh, you have no idea.

I came this close to beating

that son of a bitch and...

Hello. Hi.

- Hello.
- I'm Cassie's mother, Diane.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- You play video games, huh?

- I do, yeah. You?
- Okay.

What ya got there?

Fungus thumb.
Other part.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- Uh-huh, and you.

Okay. Okay, great.
Come on, let's go.

- Okay.
- Y'all have fun now.

Bye.

So, you live with your mom, huh?

Nope. She lives with me.

So, what's the plan?

- I just love tacos so much.
- Yeah. I know.

- That must get annoying.
- Well, you get used to it.

- Yeah? -That's the thing
though too sometimes like,

I'll forget that it's on.

And people look at me
like I'm a real creep ball.

- You know, but yeah.
- Yeah.

Anyway, I only do it
when I got a gig coming up.

- I do have a big gig coming up.
- Wow.

- Big one. -Cool. That
sounds real interesting.

I don't know much
about hand modeling but...

Oh, cool, you got
the same shirt you wore

- the other night.
- Oh, no,

it's totally different.

- Why don't I get these.
- There's...

- And we'll head out.
- There's... are you...

- Do you want this?
- I don't wanna waste.

Yep. Um...

So, what did you think of next?

Something fun,
wild and crazy or...

- No, it's your turn.
- Or sort of fun...

I... I got the tacos.

- Oh, um...
- Victory!

Oh, okay.

We could go bowling.

You know, league's just ending

and they don't turn on the silly
black lights until at nine.

No.
- Really?

- Next.
- It's just that

you're such great bowler.

- I'm all right.
- All right?

You bowled perfect game
which is pretty amazing.

Just, I mean,

- talk about a cuticle
ripper, right? -Oh.

And I wouldn't even bowl period

if it wasn't
for my cousin, shel...

- Sheldon's my cousin.
- Oh.

- Long story.
- Didn't know that.

Yeah, I wouldn't be bowling
at all

if not... if I didn't owe him
so many favors.

- Yeah? -But the guys
are okay, I guess.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Yeah. It's just
not really my thing.

I must sound...

Ah.
Look, listen to me, I...

I can take it. I'll just
put it with the other one.

- Thanks.
- That sounds so bad.

I don't know.
It's just, like...

Bowling's fine, right?

Just not really my...
I don't love it.

Yeah. Okay. That's fine.

I'll just tell my friend
that we can't make it.

You got a friend
coming to meet us, huh?

- Yeah. My friend Joanie.
- Cool.

- It's Julie's sister.
- Joanie...

- Julie's sister.
- Uh-huh.

- Julie Simms?
- Yeah.

- Joanie Simms.
- Yeah.

ATL's casting director,
Joanie Simms.

- Yeah. -She was gonna
come meet us tonight?

- She loves to bowl, so yeah.
- Let's go... why don't we just go,

- I'll... we'll just go for a bit.
- You want to?

Yeah, I'll teach her some stuff.

- If she loves it. Come on.
- Okay.

♪ No bueno

- go ahead.
- Oh, no.

- I don't...
- What, are you serious?

Yeah, I guess
I should've mentioned that.

I don't.
Not anymore.

Used to.

I was pretty decent.

Then I broke my wrist
cheerleading.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

So, that was a thing.

My dad was a pro bowler.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- What position did he play?
- What?

Did he play quarterback
or wide receiver or...

Are you... are you...
Wait, really?

Or is that... what?

- Ah.
- You can have those.

- That's fine.
- Neat.

So, I gotta warn you,
I do snore a little bit.

Nice. Um...
Good night, Donnie.

Well, ah, wait.
Third time's a charm.

- Soon?
- You know, maybe.

Uh...

Ugh, bye.

Okay, well, um...

So, tell Joanie

that I say hello.

Hey, how'd it go, Cass?

Well, he took me
to the exact same taco joint.

And then I may have lied

and said that your sister from
actors theater was gonna meet us.

And then I told him
I was a cheerleader.

So, I think it went really well.

Okay, I am gonna go vomit now.

Yeah, i... I should've been
talked out of it.

- Because I panicked and I said...
- okay, no, listen.

Cass, Cass,
look at me, look at me.

We have been friends
for a long time

and i... you mean so...

If you... I mean,
you don't need

to feel like, um...

- Where's that BARISTA?
- Jules, it's your boyfriend.

Cass, for my latte.
Not for you.

And he's off tonight.

No, he's great, Donnie.

Really I mean,
he's not all that bad.

And... I mean,
he's obviously gorgeous.

He's definitely kind of fun
to hang out with

and he's a really good bowler
so I guess that's it.

You know, i...
He's the guy.

I just, I don't know.

I guess I thought
I would feel something...

Ugh, please, shut up.
I am so tired of this.

Look, there's no such thing
as the perfect man, okay?

Doesn't exist.

Who or whatever
created the female species

knew what they were doing
because they knew

what we were in for.

And like it or not,
we've longed for the gift

of feminine sexuality.

- But why?
- I don't, I don't know.

I don't...
Do you know?

They knew we could use it.

There are two things
that separate us from men.

No, not those.

The first obviously, the brain.

But come on, everyone knows

women are smarter
than men, right?

Where's that gotten us?
Nowhere.

- But sex...
- Wait, wait, butt sex?

No. Sex is the one thing
we have an endless supply of,

that men have
an endless appetite for.

- Yeah, that was touching.
- Shut up.

Come on, Cass, it's like
you're losing the war

and you're still ignoring
your best weapon.

Don't look at my boobs.

All right, don't
make her uncomfortable.

While I don't completely
agree with that,

you don't really
expect us to believe

that a girl who has seen
as many movies as you have

doesn't know from sexy.

I mean, Cass, look at you.

It's almost insulting
to the rest of us.

I mean, look see, no man is
gonna be the man of your dreams

without a little training.

You really are evil incarnate.

Tell my boyfriend that.

Which one?

Coming up on the
big tournament game,

bowling will surely be intense

and the trivia will be
trickier than ever.

But we all know
the real question,

what's everybody wearing?

Often overlooked,
even my cinephiles,

nothing can make or break
or grab someone's attention

- like a sexy costume.
- Hi, I'm looking for a movie.

I'm looking for a movie.

Looking for a movie?

Name, name,
what is the name of the movie

you're looking for, huh?

How are we supposed to know
what kind of movie you want?

You're in a store
filled with movies.

So like, could you maybe just be

a little bit more specific
with your request

for which movie you'd like
before you become irritated

with my good friend
and colleague here, hmm?

Well, how 'bout I talk
to your manager.

Oh, the manager?
Yeah, great idea.

Let me go get him.

Hi, I'm the manager.

Is there something

- we can help you with today?
- You're a little shit.

And a happy holidays
to you, sir!

Look man, I know
you're saving up for school

and everything,

you're way overdoing it

with this whole
multi-job thing.

I mean, you're overworked,
you're undersleeped.

It's really starting to show
on that ugly mug of yours.

Wait a minute.

Unless you really are
full-on twitterpated

with miss Cassie Caulfield,
aren't you?

No time for love,
Dr. Jones.

The tournament's
in like, two weeks, all right?

We need to get
your priorities straight,

you know.

You gotta want it.

That's your problem.

You just, you don't know
what you want.

Yeah, look,
you don't want to be in love.

You wanna be in love in a movie.

It's "sleepless in Seattle,"
I know.

Look, you just,
you have to understand,

okay, guys like us
never get the girl. Ever.

Think of it this way. Okay,
you're the Pullman, right?

Or the Kinnear more recently.

You're the guy in the movie

who has no outstanding flaws,
you are sweet,

and by all accounts
not in anyway unlikeable,

right?

The whole "ugly mug" thing,
obviously a joke

'cause you're
a pretty handsome cat.

Somehow, some way,

you're gonna get screwed over
in the end, man.

And I... I can't sit back
and watch you, you know,

sink into the bowels

of general cynicism, all right.

I'm there. Right now.
It sucks. Okay?

I... this is gonna sound
really gay,

truth is you're...

You're kind of
an inspiration, all right?

No, I mean it.

You're the nicest,

most caring guy I've ever met.

Yeah, you're not rocking
Swiss accounts,

but you know,
you're a solid guy.

Solidest guy I know.

Look, all those other girls
have no idea

what they have their hands on.

All right, I mean, like Emily...

Look, you know what I'm saying.

Hell, if you fish in my pond...

Look, you get me.
You're great, okay?

So, just be Ollie again.
For god's sake.

And one day you write something

where you do get the girl
in the end.

Just I don't know,
for right now,

that's all I got.

Just forget it.

You know, just let it flow.

You know, scream it out.

I am average!

I'm losing my hair
and I don't have a car.

I'm flawed.
I'm lonely.

God damn it, I'm human, right?

And I friggin' love it.

No, no, no, no.
So Donnie can have her, man.

All that Donnies can have
all the hers in the world.

Just remember, okay,
we'll always have the movies.

In there, a happy ending

is just...

A sign of another bad flick,
right?

Where's y'all's
Hank Williams tapes?

What's going on, fellas?

Oh, just a second.

Speak of the devil,
look who just invited us

to a little holiday shindig
at her place?

♪ Let's get loaded

♪ let's come party

♪ let's get loaded

♪ I've got mine
and you'll bring yours ♪

♪ let's get loaded

♪ we're going for it

♪ I'm so excited

How old is this tape, anyway?

This is dick Weber back in '61.

His first win
for bowler of the year.

Oh, you're so smart, babe.

And it's no tape,
it's actually on cable,

how cool is that?

Greatest of all time, I say.

Well, when did he die, '05?

Look at that form.

- Hey, hey, Donnie.
- Hmm?

Can I sit?
Thanks.

How's it going?
Are you having fun?

- Not really.
- Oh...

- Ooh, your hands are cold.
I like it. -

You ever think
about you know when,

- with the right girl, the sound...
- shh.

Blessed in this
respect he gets away with it

because he has very narrow hips.

What's happening?

It's a mint.

Yeah, a friend tells someone
when their...

- You know what you are a great friend.
- When their breath stinks.

- Yep.
- Thank you.

You hit me with a straight ball?

What? Are you serious?

I thought the big curve
was the money shot.

- Not so much, huh?
- Not back then.

- See back then, the ball was...
- Okay! That's it, Cassie.

I'll see you...

Ugh, in a couple days, I guess.

- Later in the week.
- Wait, you're leaving already?

Come on, man.
We're learning.

You guys learn.
I'm good.

Seriously, it's Christmas Eve.

Shel, mom's making her meatloaf.

You coming or not?

- Shel? Shel? Shel. Shel!
- I think he's good, don.

Next week, though.
9:00. Be there sharp.

Be there early.
All right? Or I'll end you.

Okay, whatever.

Cass, you wanna come
for meatloaf?

Oh, um...

What?

You know what,
thank you. No.

- I'm fine.
- Okay, whatever.

- See you, guys.
- Good night.

Oh, you just have to pull it.

- Hey, there.
- Hey. Hey...

Yeah, you know what, I don't
think that's a bad idea.

- I'm gonna head out too.
- Aw, really?

Hey, can we just watch
this last matchup,

then we can chipmunks something

- and frosty and...
- You guys have fun.

Look, it's Christmas Eve,

and I have got some presents
to deliver.

- Thanks for coming.
- All right.

- Bye, Jules, be safe.
- You too, okay?

Merry Christmas.

Okay, bye.

We're gonna take
a shot every time...

That bastard touches his nose.

Oh, this is way more fun
than watching

some dumb Christmas movie.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, you're back.

Hey, Julie, we need to talk.

But give me one
of those shots first.

Yeah, take a shot
every time that guy

right there touches his nose.

And there you go.

Oh, you're back.

Julie, you're back. Hey.

- What's that? -Take a shot every
time that guy touches his nose.

Ah, right now.

God, he's touching his nose,
did you see that?

Oh, that. Shot.

- How are you doing? -You think
working in a coffee shop is bad?

Like, you should try dealing
with all these stupid,

local fans all the time.

I mean, they have mullets
and they just follow me around

and I can't even go
to like, the mall.

Look, you people,
know nothing about work.

Thirty-seven different places
of employment for me.

I've been working
since I was 12.

I've served food,
I've mopped floors,

I've sold cars.

But the most memorable job
that I've ever had by far

was at the den.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have not fully lived
until you've been

the inventory captain
of an adult toy super store.

Imagine, if you will,

screaming across a room
the size of a football field.

"Hey there, Billy.
What was the last count

on those pocket rockets?

No, no, no, no.
Not that one.

The other one,
the one with the rotators.

For her pleasure?"

What is that from?

- Oh, holy crap, Ollie.
- I touched the time.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Time, dude.
He just called the time, dog.

- Oh, my god. Dude.
- Easy, mothersucka!

Hey, guys,
I think he passed out.

Wait, let me see,
let me see, let me see.

Oh, wow.
He lost a lot of weight.

He was a pretty big boy.

Now, he just keeps that in there

for inspiration.

Oh, my god,
there's a cab outside.

All right, I'm gonna get
the coats.

Hey, hey.

There's something we need
to tell our girl

about the dreamy guy

and his fondness
for slutty jailbait.

- Wait, are you serious?
- Yes.

Okay, he's playing his weight.

- 'Cause maybe it was nothing.
- It was something.

Attaboy, head in the game,
I like it.

- Bye, guys.
- My idea.

- Merry Christmas.
- Oh. Hey, hey.

Oh, baby.

Listen, thanks
for a wonderful evening.

No bueno.

Every waking second

between now and the tournament
is strictly practice.

So, we got a demon to defeat.

- I'm sure you understand.
- I'll call you.

She's such a smart girl.

This article has really
gotten to her.

Stop it, you and I both know

it's not just about that, okay?

I mean, look,

sometimes the smartest road
ain't always the best way

to get where
you're going, you know.

Sometimes it's the things
we learn along those...

Windy, scary, kinda crazy roads

that make for a good road trip.

Well, well.

Look who's kinda gotten
all wise in her old age.

- I will bite your feet off.
- I'm sorry.

Look, she's a big girl,
she can take care of herself.

Okay? So you just need
to stop worrying about it

and get some sleep.

Don't touch my knee.

Quit it.

♪ The snow I fear
it's falling down again ♪

♪ and it takes just once

♪ for it to offend
the spring ♪

♪ and drive it away

♪ for just
a little while ♪

Okay. Okay.

- Ah.
- Hey, so I was on my way to, um...

- Church and I think I may have left my...
- can you please leave?

- I just need to find my wallet.
- It's Christmas, go home.

Look, can I just come in
for a minute?

Okay. Just...
Quickly, please.

- Just grab it and go.
- Okay, I think i...

- I just didn't expect anyone to be here.
- It's okay, I left it over...

This place is a mess,
it's really early,

and my hair is crazy
and I feel disgusting.

- Look, just...
- Oliver, I'm sorry.

I'm just hungover and I'm
sweaty and I feel really gross

- and I don't know why you're here.
- Hey!

Cassie!

I don't know
what your problem is

but I can absolutely
without a doubt guarantee you

that you are nothing
but stunningly gorgeous

right now.

Just... just like
you have been

for every second of every day

since the first time
you came into our store.

When we met away from the store

the other night,

for the first time,
I... well...

I've been wanting
to say those words to you

for weeks now.

But I...

I couldn't find the right words.

Movie words.

You're just
the most truly beautiful sight

I've ever seen
and no stupid little quote

from a movie
could ever do you justice.

So, I think my...
I might have left...

Take me to bed
or lose me forever.

Just...

Just, take me.
Take me.

- No, this is on the couch.
- Here we go.

Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, good idea.

- Whoa, can't see.
- Ow.

Oh, was that a face?
I can't... help me.

- Yeah.
- Woo. Sorry.

Ah, sweaty.

Cassandra!

Well, kids, that was it.

Christmas.
Every year it's the same.

All that build up of joyful joy

just welling up inside
for one little day.

Sure, maybe you got that thing
you thought you wanted,

but the next morning you wake up

and it's all back
to business as usual.

You gotta refocus,
eye on the prize,

resolutions.

A brand-new year
is on its way.

- Hey. What are you doing here?
- Hey.

Oh, I was just
in the neighborhood

and thought I'd bring
your wallet.

Oh, about the other night.

The other night or morning?

- Morning. Christmas morning.
- Yeah?

- I was waiting to say something about that too.
- I just want to say I'm sorry.

- You're sorry? -Yeah, I'm
sorry, I shouldn't have...

You know what,
if I remember correctly,

I'm the one who ran off, so.

Yeah, it was kinda,
it got awkward.

I mean, come on,
it was a week ago.

- That's... it's fine. -Yeah,
it was still pretty awkward.

- Yeah, you left me there with her.
Alone. -Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm really...
I panicked, you know,

because I sort of forgot

that she gets up early
on Christmas.

- She was naked. Your mother.
- I know.

- I can't block it out.
- Nude.

- -I wish I could forget.
Just... it's in there.

I should probably check out
what that thing is.

- Anyways.
- So, about that...

- Maybe we could...
- I have... there's this thing.

You know what,
we can't be weird.

- Weird?
- Yeah.

- I really... I like you.
- Yeah, I like...

I just... I know how friends
can be weird sometimes

after one night... morning.
Whatever.

- And so let's not be weird.
- Okay.

- Plus Donnie and I are sort of...
- Donnie? Are you serious?

Oh, okay.
Yeah, all right.

No, I get it.
We can't be weird.

- You got it. -Great. Okay, I was
just sort of worried that maybe...

So, I should probably
get back to...

To work.

There's people
that want their coffee.

Is that a tumbleweed?

You know what,

I'm sorry I bothered you
at work.

See ya at the tournament
Saturday?

You know, we'll see.

Sure... but yeah.

Got it. Right.

Well, see you around then.

Hey, Oliver.

Sorry.

Yeah. Um...

"Sorrya."

♪ And I'll love you

♪ as long
as you want me to ♪

♪ And I'll love you

♪ as long
as you want me to ♪

Welcome
ladies and gentlemen to the PBA

world series of bowling
amateur event,

live from Lebowski fest
here in Louisville, Kentucky.

Such a wild
event that's been around for years,

built solely on the backs
of entertainers.

Fans of one
of the greatest films

of all time, and certainly the
greatest bowling movie of all time,

"the big Lebowski."

Can the defending
tournament champions,

Satan's pinions,

maintain the title
with their new lineup?

Only time will tell.

What? What if the idiot
doesn't show?

Jesus, would you just calm down,

he'll be here.

Shouldn't I be the one
freaking out?

- I am captain.
- Really? Calm down?

- Yeah. -Again you're
telling me to calm down.

Stop it, okay?
He'll be here.

Do you have any friggin' clue
how important today is?

- Just let me figure this out.
- Dude, I know...

Need I remind you two

of what that sock cucker
did to me, hmm?

- "Sock cucker?"
- Oliver...

Sweet Oliver,
I don't wanna hurt you.

- Mm-mm. -No. But you know
that I will, all right?

Do you know have any idea
what I had to do

to get us on these lanes, huh?

Do you have any idea
what I had to do

to get us on the other side
of the bracket

from that pile of crap, huh?

- So go ahead, tell me again
that he'll be here. -Hey, guys.

That he'll show.

You sure this looks all right?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay.
- Oh, seriously, baby.

It doesn't even start
until noon.

What? Nine!
Mom, what time is it?

- Wait, hold on now. I thought you said that you...
- you know what, never mind.

- Bye. I'm leaving.
- What about your birthday?

All right, so the way
I see it now,

looks like we got a cakewalk
through to the semis.

Right?
What's up with you?

Probably starting
to feel the heat, huh?

Stupid trivia contest.

I mean, who knows
the Ralph's card number.

Now, you're our captain, okay,

you wanna start acting like it?

Come on man, chill out.

Donnie, please, don't...

You are so lucky
that you're bowling

reasonably well.

Hey, chip. What's up?

Hey, it's busy.

Had to call in
reinforcements, huh?

- How long have they been rolling?
- About all day.

They ran out of Kahlua
a little while ago.

This day hasn't been pretty.

All he needs is a six
on the field ball

and that alcoholic
ass monkey knocks us

- out of the biggest tournament of our lives.
- Dude, serious?

Close one
here closing out our semi finals

as Santa's pinions
are one roll away

from facing off
against their former teammate

in the championship game.

This ragtag bunch of fellas

- has really been busting
- hey, you're on the wrong side.

- Their way through the bracket today.
- Hey, buddy!

Just this last frame between...

Oh, my goodness.

Look, we've got
a confused bowler

- out there, Mike.
- Yes sir,

looks like he's had himself

an adult beverage.

Jesus.

- I hope you feel better.
- All right, everything's okay now.

Let's see if he can
bring it home.

Shutting these pinions out
from a chance

at being our new champs.

- Today, junior.
- He steps up to the mark.

Here's his form.
The release.

They've done it. Santa's
pinions move on to the final.

Up next, an all pinions
championship match.

Are you ready, sports fans?

That son of a bitch is mine.

- I'll be right back.
- Here we go.

- Okay, wish me luck.
- Good luck.

Ready to call it a day, boys?

Forgot to wipe, rimjob.

And it's come to this.

Stan Jawolski
and the defending champion,

Satan's pinions.

Face off against Stan's
former teammates,

the underdog spinoff,
Santa's pinions.

This is
gonna be one for the ages.

Gotta keep 'em smooth, right?

Oliver better hurry his ass up.

This will end.

- This ends here. And now.
- Yeah. Okay.

And here we go, ten
frames to glory, Jason.

- Santa's boys up first.
- Yeah.

Nice shot there to start us off.

High flush pocket.

Here comes Satan himself,

the prince of darkness
toes the line.

A little left off target
it looks like it's going...

And the answer.

Looks like we could
have ourselves a game here

as Satan drives one home.

Wuss, what are you doing
on the floor again?

Hey, friend.

- Hi. You wanna come...
- Hey.

- Uh-huh. What are you doing?
- Hi.

I just...
I don't know.

- Yeah. -Listen the
guys are in finals.

- I know, I heard.
- Do you wanna come watch?

I'm nervous about it.

- Okay.
- I feel like this is safer.

- Oh.
- I know.

- I'll think about it.
- All right.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- You know, just... okay.
- Yeah, I'll... okay, good.

- Don't just...
- Okay, bye.

Chalk up another for
the man in the rubber gloves

and bowling sandals.

Incredible.

Keep strapped in, folks.

This ride's just getting going.

Oh, high flush.
Nice shot.

Right through the target line.

- Strike. -Splits the
eight-nine, I love it.

And the baby split converted.

Down the second arrow line.
It looks like it'll slide in.

Love tap on a dunk in.

Oh, seven stone style.

Nice spare with the
one, two, four, eight.

Yeah, all right.

And eight on the landing.
Ten on the hit.

Damn it.

And the famous split.
Spare conversion.

Interesting little
wheelchair celebration there, Mike.

And up high for five.
And down low at ten.

High flush pocket

with a beautiful carry
over ten pin.

Oh, you know it!

Ooh, really unlucky
here for the underdogs, Mike.

- -Don't you
start that shit now.

Down by eight
pins their final bowler,

in the final frame.

Looks like this could be

the end of the road
for Santa's pinions.

I want you to look over there.

Okay? I want you
to look at that...

That miserable little
pile of horse flop

because that my friend
is the face of evil, okay?

- I dropped everything to be with that man.
- Late game.

- Did you guys come to bowl?
- Because I loved him, right?

And I thought he loved me.

He's a liar.
He's a filthy... evil liar.

Oh, he's never even touched
a man in his life.

Right? Hmm.

And then suddenly
everything that we...

Everything...
Suddenly, I'm just,

I'm just some guy
that he bowled with.

This is what I need you
to do, Ollie,

I need you
to go out there, okay,

and I need you to knock down
nine of those pins.

All right?
Not just for me.

I need you to do it
for Santa's pinions, man.

The three original
effing pinions.

And we'll show
that worthless pile of pus...

Seriously, let's go, guys.

And everyone in here

that we never needed
his sorry ass

in the first place.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah.
Go get 'em, man.

Go get 'em.

- Come on!
- Come on, brother.

You can do it.

Hello, sorry.
Thanks, gentlemen.

Hello, ladies, kids.

Choo...

Hello!

- Bless you?
- No. Just...

Can I talk to you
for a second? Yeah?

Hey. There was
a little bit more

that I wanted to tell you
the other night.

I left the coffee shop

and sort of realized something.

You know, I've looked and looked

and looked.

And then it sort of hit me.

That no matter how hard I try

I may never find
what I'm looking for.

'Cause what I'm looking for
may have been

in front of me the whole time.

I suppose this
may not be the best place

or the best time
but you're the one, Oliver.

I may even like, like you.

You know, it just...

Wait, what's wrong?

- Oh, no.
- I'm just... all right.

Oh, no. Dude.

- What do we do now?
- Come on, guys, serious,

why don't one of us just bowl
in his place?

Should we call a doctor?

- Ow!
- Wait, wait, wait.

- What? -Donnie, okay, it's
against tourney rules

for any team member
to bowl more than one turn

in a frame, okay?

We either need Ollie back
or we need a sub, okay?

A sub.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, a sub.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

Her.
Hey, you!

Yeah, you, you got us
into this mess.

- No, no, no, no.
- Come here!

- Maybe not the best of options.
- Come on!

Okay, come on, man.

Just let us talk to her.

Hello, Cassie.

Hey, Pete Weber.

You know, your mom
called me up earlier.

- What? She did? Why?
- I know what it's like to live

most of your life
growing up in the shadow.

I'm second on
the all time money list,

what that means
to me is, well, a lot.

But compared to one thing,

it's like the bronze medal

in the lukewarm poop eating
contest.

You know, Cass,
it wasn't long ago

in this very bowling center
that I got to...

You passed your dad
in career titles.

Exactly.
It's my first time back since.

I'm not gonna lie,
it's not easy.

But you're a pretty
special lady, Cass.

And your dad,
he was a special man.

It's not about being better.

Or average, or above average
like I thought.

It's just I don't think

I ever really
made him happy, you know?

And that's all I want.

Just to make him proud.

Well, then, Cass,

here's your chance.

- Okay, shall we?
- We shall.

Is that Evel Knievel?

Well, why doesn't Pete
just bowl for us?

No, Sheldon, she has to do this.

Well, this is a rather
unusual finish here, Mike.

Due to sudden illness,
Santa's pinions have been

forced to call in
an unlikely substitute.

Belmo, it's Cassie
Caulfield, local podcaster,

and only daughter
of very recently deceased

PBA tour staple,
James Caulfield.

Cassie Caulfield
is hitting the wood.

She needs nine in
this frame to win it all.

And it's not
looking good, Mike j.

It's not a promising start, I'm afraid.

Indeed, a gutter ball
means that now it really does

come down to this
the last ball of the day,

can she do it?

Wait a minute,
here comes PBA legend

and hall of famer,
Pete Weber to the lanes.

If there's anyone that
knows this kind of pressure,

it's PDW.

A quick few words
of wisdom here I'm sure.

I'm a big fan.

Okay.

Here we go, for the game.
Tenth frame.

Just roll the ball.

Bowling.
Jesus, Diane.

It's just so average.

You are better.
You are special.

You will be above average.

Got it?

Don't you ever forget it.

All right now,
just roll the ball.

Just roll the ball.

- Here we go, for the game.
- Just roll the ball.

- Tenth frame.
- For the championship.

For everything.

Opted to take
the shoes off as well,

it's an interesting tactic.

Two hands? Back to basics.

It's actually got a chance.

It could be...
It might be...

It is!

No!

Incredible, the Santa
pinions have not lost.

Santa's pinions, holy upset.

I can't believe it.

I mean, I can believe it,
I'm watching it.

But I can't believe it,
they've won,

Mike, hey, quick, slap me.
Tell me this is real.

It's real, Jason, the
crowd is on their feet.

Satan's pinions,
they're... they can't believe it.

Everyone is just,
the craziest thing

I've ever seen in my entire life

just happened right now
in front of me.

Oh!

Mike, Mike, Mike,

she's not here anymore, is she?

Yeah, yeah.
She's inside. Come on.

- Am i... no way.
- Yeah, she's behind the bar.

Okay. Great.
I'll lock up.

- Yeah. She's got my keys.
- Thanks dude.

You're the best.
I'll see you next week.

Okay.
This is it.

Oh, I can do this.

Just, I've seen this movie
a million times.

People say what they need to say

when they have feelings
to someone else.

I just gotta say it,
just be real.

It's just me and her.

It's just me

and her.

Hey, Cassie.

I realized there's a lot
of things people say

to one another
when they need to say

how much they feel.

But I mean, as far as I know,

I'm not very good
at any of that.

I guess what I'm trying
to say is that,

well, I may not be the best
with things

that a man says,

when he needs to tell someone
how much he feels.

I can at least say this.

I love you, Cassie.

That's it.
I love you now.

I think I loved you
the first time we spoke

and odds are I'll just
keep on loving you.

I just can't seem to stop.

It's pretty weird, I know.

So, yeah. That's it.

I love you.

So, now if you don't mind,
I'm gonna go get sick again.

Stop.
That was beautiful.

What's it from?

Oh, well,
it's not from anything really.

Oh.

I wrote it for you.

I told you no stupid
little quote from a movie

could ever do you justice.

Wait a minute,
we're stuck inside

a Nora Ephron movie, aren't we?

No, this is way more
Cameron Crowe.

Do we have to get married, now?

No. Come on,
let's go over the bar.

I think a quote unquote

date is in order.

Hey, yeah.
That sounds good.

- But hang on, let me
help you get down. -Oh.

- Just... just watch your head.
- Hello.

- Okay.
- Are you all right?

Okay, here we go. Oh!

Okay. Oh.

Okay, yeah.
So... well, I thought,

why don't we... why don't
we start with some barrels?

- Yeah.
- And then, you know,

- maybe rent like, a movie or two.
- Okay.

And, um...

I don't know, why don't we...
Why don't we go bowling?

- Oh.
- What's your average?

We're talking beer
barrells, though, right?

Oh, yeah, of course.
I mean, oh, well...

I mean, that got its thing
'cause the old guys...

- What?
- And the old tiny cartoons

- nope. Oh. -And they wore
barrells around their waists.

- And the...
- Nope. I think you should stop.

- I'll stop.
- But you're cute.

Sometimes dear listeners,

I found that life
can be a lot like bowling.

You see the pins.

You have the ball.

And there's 60 feet
of shiny wood

heading straight ahead
toward what you want.

But despite the countless
invisible obstacles

standing between you
and knocking down

those ten bastard pins,

the hardest part can just be

taking a breath.

Putting one foot
in front of the other

and letting go.

♪ This unholy habit

♪ seems to feel like
butchered self ♪

♪ but that ain't right

♪ no, that ain't right

♪ right

♪ never let the lord in

♪ because we both keep
to ourselves ♪

♪ but you know
what I heard ♪

♪ everything
is something else ♪

♪ a rumor taking pride

♪ always singing
in my head ♪

♪ singing in my head

♪ that daddy did

♪ That daddy did that

♪ Oh, table get evicted

♪ and my songs live up
to an end ♪

♪ I finally knew that

♪ that these hands
were expanding ♪

What?
I said "good day, sir."

Where...

♪ I can reasonably
slip away ♪

♪ everyone around me

♪ seems to know
how to play a game ♪

♪ how to play a game

♪ it doesn't matter
to me ♪

♪ why can't I do or say?

♪ Trying to make
a record ♪

♪ of my thoughts
screaming through my head ♪

I think you're really funny.

- Thank you.
- And you have pretty eyes.

- Thank you. I like your...
- I...

- Cut.
- Toy.

You're gonna like
what I lay down.

You're not gonna lay it down.

I'll fold you like a taco.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

When I bowl,
it's gonna be so good,

you're gonna shower me
with gifts.

Heine brothers are paying,
by the way.

Yeah, you can try.

- Yeah. -I'm gonna
mail you the receipt.

- For reimbursement.
- Oh, okay.

When I bowl...

It'll feel like you're in Africa

while shooting these
in thundercat.

We're not in Africa.

Right now.

Yes!

♪ Oh, it appears

♪ there's an end

♪ to this story

hey, the door's broken.

Yeah, I think drew broke it.

- What position did he play?
- Um... what?

He's pro like a...
Like a bowler.

He's a pro bowl...
Like, a bowler.

With a bowl... bowling.

- Do you know...
- What we're doing now.

- Yes!
- Okay, I get it.

♪ That it is spoken

♪ from you

you're a little shit.

Your vest is tacky!

What? Are you serious?

- Yeah, I mean...
- Excuse me.

Do you have video games
like the brothers Mario?

Um...

Cut.

Other, same way.
Don't stop.

♪ I was searching
for some meaning ♪

♪ I can feel through it
with my bones ♪

♪ through my bones

♪ it was lost anew

♪ this song
has never known ♪

♪ I should probably
surrender ♪

♪ and accepted what I am

- ♪ what I am
- ♪ just not very cool

♪ but I'll make a cool,
nice shadow ♪

♪ just sit back, relax,

♪ have a drink of beer,
oh, boy ♪

♪ to the end
of the world ♪

♪ the end of the world

♪ till the end
of the world ♪

♪ girl

♪ it's gonna be around

♪ till we all
wake up again ♪

♪ 'cause every known
problem class ♪

♪ no vary of smoke

♪ will be sad

♪ Find a lonely shirt
and put it on ♪

♪ don't matter
if they're bitchin', ♪

♪ can't go wrong

♪ no one cares
if they told her no ♪

♪ everybody,
they will be like you ♪

♪ everybody,
we're going bowling ♪

♪ everybody
will have some fun ♪

♪ every bowler
going bowling ♪

♪ every bowler has a one

♪ we'll smoke cigars
and drink all of the beer ♪

♪ we'll slap our banjos
out of turn ♪

♪ everything that
we're so proud of doing ♪

♪ we put the b-o
in bowling ♪

♪ every bowler
going bowling ♪

♪ every bowler has a one

♪ friends of bowlers
going nowhere... ♪

Who do you think you are?

I am!

- Call my friend.
- Awesome.

I like it.

That was awesome.

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