Original subtitles

♪

Oh, excuse me.

- Excuse me. - Oh, sorry.

♪

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Katy.

Hi, Katy.

You're not...

who I think you are, are you?

Who do you think I am?

You know.

Yeah, it's me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- Yeah. Hey. - Colleen, that's him.

Oh, my God. I knew it.

Hey. How are you?

- Hi. - Nice to meet you.

- How are you? - I'm such a fan.

We loved you in Wedding Crashers.

I saw it, like, 100 times when I was a kid.

You were so funny.

David, this is Christopher Walken.

I knew it.

What's Owen Wilson like? Is he nice?

Guys, Christopher Walken's,

like, 70 years old, okay?

Do I look 70 to you?

♪ Sex and drugs and rock and roll ♪

♪ All right

♪ All right

♪ 'Cause I don't want to die

♪ Anonymous

♪ No, no

♪ No, no

♪ No, no

Sync by Alice www.addic7ed.com

- Okay. - Hey.

- Okay. Hey. - What's up?

Check this out.

We are officially big in Belgium.

- What? - Who? Me?

No, no, The Heathens.

The advance sales on Sex & Drugs

were massive there back in the day.

So apparently some hip DJ in Brussels

became a huge fan,

so after the death hoax...

The whole Belgian rock scene

went ape-shit for us all over again.

You're kidding. Because–what?

'Cause they thought I was dead, right?

No, because they thought

you died back in '94.

Oh, let's face it.

Creatively, Johnny, you kind of did.

The fact the band broke up

the day the album came out

made you Belgian cult heroes–

very devoted fans.

So when Johnny OD'd on blow two years later...

Which I warned you about.

The "I don't want to die anonymous" verse

of Sex & Drugs

became the fan base's mission statement.

They didn't want you to die anonymous.

Who does, right?

I want to say one thing, about Belgium, all right?

They have been on the cutting edge

of pharmaceutical drugs for over 50 years.

You know what else, baby doll? Waffles.

Pills and waffles– that's what drives my band.

That's what's up, baby.

Look, they're calling the news

that Johnny is still alive "the second coming."

But, you guys, watch this. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Check this out.

- Oh, my God. - You guys look great.

- Oh, you guys look young. - What?

- I know. - Mm!

Look at my hair! Look at my hair!

Oh, you have hair.

I'm what happens when Davie Bowie

meets Joe motherfucking Strummer.

_

_

_

_

_

_

- How crazy is that? - Really cool.

You know what the chicks speak

in Belgium, right?

Yeah, Belch.

No, asshole. Flemish.

Flem–

It's not even a language.

Promoters are saying they can sell out

the 8,000-seat Vorst National arena

for what they're calling

The Johnny Rock Resurrection Tour.

You know what would be really cool?

Stigmata–you know, like an open wound

on each hand when I come out on the stage.

We need a special effects guy.

That ain't gonna happen.

Maybe you didn't die,

but The Heathens are dead and gone.

We're The Assassins now.

There's our lead singer.

Thanks, babe.

- "Babe"? - Aww.

Listen, we can have our cake and eat it too.

Make Gigi the opening act, you guys the headliners.

I'm not an opening act.

You guys open up, do an hour and a half,

bring Gigi in for two numbers at the end.

Three numbers.

Three. Who's in?

- I'm in. - I'm in.

- I am so in. - I'm in!

- I'm out. - Aw, come on!

- Flash! - No.

- Honey. - "Honey"?

Johnny Rock is over.

This photo shoot's for who? The Heathens?

No. The Assassins. Why?

Because we kicked ass at Glasslands last week,

and the heat came down on Gigi.

See these outfits and this gear

and these lenses?

They're all pointed towards the future.

Not the past.

We're never doing another gig

with you as our lead singer.

They're offering us 175 grand.

Doing one more gig with you as our lead singer.

All right, let's get some new shots of Johnny

for the posters.

Let's go.

♪

Don't squint.

- It makes your eyes... - What?

Make more space on the side of your eyes.

Look strong, like you're looking into the wind,

but you're not scared.

Good.

Yeah. Uh...

We're gonna have to de-age these.

What?

♪ Oh, going to Europe

♪ And Paris, France

♪ To the Eiffel Tower

♪ And gonna eat some brie there ♪

♪ Hey, yow

What you writin', baby?

Well, I'm working on

the set list for Belgium, hon.

- Mm. - See, Gige,

when you headline, it's way different

than when you just do, like, a showcase

with a few songs.

Yeah?

Yep, when you headline,

when, you know, you're like a star,

you got to take the audience

on a two-hour roller coaster ride.

Okay, so show me how.

- Yeah? - Yep.

Okay, so basically, what you want to do is,

you want to come out;

you want to grab their attention.

So, boom, hit 'em with a rocker.

And right when they're thinking about that, boom,

hit 'em with another one– boom, boom, two more.

Now you start to work your way to the mid-tempo stuff.

Maybe throw another rocker in there

somewhere in the middle.

Then you start working your way towards the ballads.

You start seducing them.

And once you have them all sucked in, boom.

Hit 'em with another rocker,

and then get off stage

'cause you always want

to leave them wanting more.

That's the key.

Yeah, and don't puke on them either.

Honey, that happened one time

when I had that cheap cognac and the bad blow.

Mm, another no-no.

- I don't get it. - What?

No, I just–

I thought we were on the same page

with me, you know?

My career with you in the background,

and that no matter what happened,

it was gonna be the three of us.

It was gonna be you, me, and Ava,

you know, starting this new life together.

- Yes. Right. - That's what we talked about.

No, we did. We talked about that.

And that–that's totally– you know, that's the plan.

And that's totally what we're doing,

but this is bigger than us, honey.

This–Belgium? I mean, this comes out of the blue.

This has got to be some kind of a, you know, like a sign.

I think that's called karma.

Yes, that's what it is, honey.

It's like the Muses want me to

give you a master class in how to be a rock star.

We're gonna go to Belgium.

We're gonna get onstage.

Johnny's gonna totally screw things up,

and Gigi's gonna come in to save the day.

Become a big worldwide star.

Yeah.

Did I say that out loud?

Yeah.

What I meant to say was,

Paris!

Whoo!

- Hey. - Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

You know how I get when I get tipsy.

I know. I know.

You get honest.

I get realistic.

Okay, but, you know, it's just that,

you know, you've always been my biggest supporter.

Yes, and I'm still your biggest supporter,

so let's prove me wrong, okay?

Let's not self-sabotage.

Let's not cycle ahead of where we're supposed to be.

I'm not cycling ahead.

- You got to focus, okay? - I'm focused.

- Focus, baby. - I'm totally focused.

And then we're gonna go to Belgium.

We're gonna kill it...

That's what I'm talking about.

One last time

and then turn the band over to Gigi.

Honey...

I've waited 20 years for you to make it–

both of us wondering why it wasn't happening

and you pointing fingers at Dulli and Grohl and all these–

Dulli stole my vibe.

Dulli did not steal your vibe.

Oh, my God. You're gonna deny that now?

Oh, what are you talking about?

You've got two pictures of the man on your wall.

That's photographic evidence that he–

I–I just–

Dulli did not steal your vibe, baby.

You hijacked your own vibe out of bitterness and resentment

because the world wasn't working

the way you thought it was going to.

Maybe it wasn't happening because of Gigi.

She is bringing us everything that we ever wanted...

I know.

A family and a future.

Yes, but you don't think

I could carve out a second career in Europe?

If I do this right, every summer,

we could go over and do, like, six or seven gigs.

We'd be going to Paris, London, Italy.

Mm... Italy?

Venice, Positano– how cool would that be?

And get paid while we're over there.

What?

You think you can do this?

I know we can do this.

Okay, then let's do it.

Your voice, my ass.

Let's take Europe by storm.

How do I know you're not lying?

Why would I lie about this?

Because you're sober.

Well, actually I'm still a little hung over.

That's completely true.

I mean, watching your dad onstage, that is a master class.

That guy's got all the tools it takes to be a big star,

except the most important one: priorities.

'Cause old Johnny's always been focused

on the trappings of fame, you know,

sex and drugs, limos, ladies.

Yeah, I don't care about any of that.

You know, the only thing I'm interested is–

is getting known for, you know,

what I'm good at– my voice, my songs.

I want to be famous, you know,

but famous for being good, you know?

And that's exactly what's gonna happen, baby.

I'm in this band because I believe in you.

You and me–we can write great songs together.

- No, we can't. I can't write. - Gigi, yes, we can.

- Think about it. - Okay.

I write most of the riffs that your dad uses.

Even when he comes up with his own melody lines,

I'm the one who makes them rock.

We sit down, start jamming every day,

we're gonna come up with something.

I bet you got a million great ideas

in that gorgeous head of yours.

You know, I do have a few good ideas.

That song we played the other night,

you know, that just came from my dad and I vocalizing,

and I came up with the whole "New York, New York" thing.

See? He's holding you back.

Why are we depending on Johnny?

Listen, I know you love him.

Hey, I love the guy too.

He's like a brother to me.

But you watch.

He's gonna screw this gig up,

'cause he can't get out of his own way,

and I am tired of his problems being our problems.

I'm not in this for the bullshit rock star stuff.

I ain't in it for the limos.

I'm in it to make music, great music with you.

Let's cut him loose.

We'll give him one more chance.

Oh, those eyes could convince me of anything.

Would you or your dad like some more coffee?

Would you like some more coffee, Dad?

I dig it, cool.

Song order's dope.

Where you want my solos?

Every song that has an asterisk,

and then you do an extended jam on Animal.

Where is my drum solo?

What?

8,000 people, yo,

I toured with the Pogues.

8,000 people want two things:

beer and drum solos.

Gaga–18,000 people: buckets of beer,

not one drum solo.

He gets a drum solo; I want a bass solo.

What is this?

Nobody's getting solos on anything, okay?

Jesus Christ, guys. Hey!

Hey!

Show sold out in seven hours.

- Oh! - Are you kidding me?

- No! - Seven hours!

- Are you kidding me? - Wow.

I got you guys a one-of-a-kind tour bus,

fully rigged out as a nightclub.

- Whoo! - Dude!

Okay? First-class flights, okay?

- Yes. - Awesome.

Our own floor in a five-star hotel.

Wow.

Afghan Whigs only got regular rooms

when they did Brussels.

This is awesome, man.

Okay, couple last-minute things.

The rider–what do you guys want backstage?

I want the same thing I got with Gaga:

two room-temperature FIJI Waters;

seedless grapes, white; and a little brie.

What the hell, dude?

You getting ready to play a rock gig or the fucking cello?

Yeah, man, we just sold out a goddamn arena.

We got to have a rider that reflects

our newfound rock star status.

I want four bottles of

Asande Grande Elite Vodka by Christophe Cheveux.

What is that?

$3,000 a bottle, baby. That's what that is.

Each bottle is individually adorned

with diamonds chosen by the famed French jeweler himself.

Okay, very elegant, very tasteful.

I'm also gonna need a Batman bong.

I want 12 filet mignons,

in a box, like meat doughnuts.

No, it's been done, Bam.

Meat Loaf had that on his rider.

I think that's how he got his name.

Everything on our rider

has to blow away other bands' riders,

so when they hear about it, it really blows their minds.

I want 27 peaches.

- Why? - Why not?

Okay, I want a masseuse that looks like Johnny Depp.

That's a great idea.

Lookalike masseuses for everybody.

I want one that looks like Lana Del Rey.

I want Melissa McCarthy–

the actual Melissa McCarthy, the big one.

Okay, I want these new pills they have in Belgium

that the FDA hasn't yet approved:

Achievium, Accelevate,

and something called Takenderal.

What do they do?

I have no idea.

That's part of the fun.

I also want an iguana.

Why?

Because I can.

If he's getting an iguana, I want a snake.

No, dude, snakes eat iguanas.

Yeah, circle of life, dude.

Hey, listen, if you're getting a snake,

you got to get a 16-foot-long snake at least,

because the backstage rider record for a backstage snake

is 15 feet that Nikki Sixx had on his rider.

- That's right. - This guy is a savant.

You guys, this is ridiculous.

Flash and I talked about this this morning–

priorities, Dad, okay?

We are being handed a huge, huge opportunity here.

Instead of focusing on the music,

all you care about

is the rock star bullshit side of things.

I mean, really, you want a snake?

And what do you want, an iguana?

What's next? A goddamn owl?

It's stupid.

Do you know what I want backstage?

I want some lemon tea with honey. Why?

Because I plan on singing my best, okay?

Giving the audience what they paid to come and see–

a great and unforgettable live show

that leaves them wanting more.

That's what my father told me was the most important thing.

She's absolutely right, guys.

Yeah, she is.

I want an owl.

I want the biggest owl in Belgium backstage, okay?

They have a Belgian Owl brand of whisky there.

- It's 92 proof. - Oh, we got to get that.

I want four bottles of that.

That's a great idea.

♪

Yo, babe,

take it easy with that Belgian Blue.

That's, like, the strongest weed in Europe.

You guys think a crown of thorns is too much?

How's everybody doing?

Did you measure the snake?

- Yeah, it's 16 1/2 feet. - Oh, cool.

So Sven, the teleprompter guy,

he wants to know how large you want your lyrics to be.

He says Neil Young used the biggest size

when he was here.

Neil Young's, like, 90.

I don't need a teleprompter, okay?

Dad, you never know.

Honey, I know. I know.

Listen, guys,

I want to tell you guys something.

And I don't remember what exactly–hang on.

- Jesus Christ. - All right, all right.

No more booze or bong hits.

We got a two-hour show to do here.

Re, any of those pills provide a little pick-me-up,

make your brain focus?

Oh, yeah, I took one of each of 'em.

Right now, you are coming in in 3-D, baby.

Okay, wait a minute.

I totally remember what I was gonna say.

Okay.

I want to say, guys,

you know, we're getting a second chance here,

and it's not something

that happens to a lot of people, you know?

The gods of rock and roll are smiling on us,

and now we have a chance

to be what we could have been,

what we should have been, you know,

and what we're gonna be,

which is the greatest rock and roll band

on the face of the planet.

And I just want to tell you guys, you know,

it's not just Gigi, you know?

I really consider you guys, like, my family, you know?

Been having this...

Who ate one of my peaches? God damn it.

Should have gave me the drum solo.

- You mother– - No!

- Hey, hey, hey! - We were having a nice moment!

Everybody, everybody, this is it! This is it!

Got all kinds of food you could have eaten.

- They love drum solos! - Everybody, come on!

- Calm down! - We were having a nice moment!

- Asshole. - This is it!

- Let's go. - Let's go. Let's go.

And welcome...

The Heathens!

♪

♪ Uh

♪

♪ Let go of my soul

That's why I love this guy.

♪ Let me up so I can breathe ♪

Born to be a rock star.

♪

♪ Got to find some kind of cover ♪

♪ From this hold you have on me ♪

♪

♪ I'm gonna get right over you ♪

♪ Or I'm gonna die trying

♪

♪ Uh

♪

_

_

Snake!

Snake!

♪

Who let the animals out of the cages?

- What? - The animals are downstairs.

- They are? - Yes. Are you okay?

- No. - You got to go back out there.

No, I can't go back out there.

You're fine. You're fine. You're fine.

No, no, no. No, I can't do it.

Honey, you– you got to go out there.

♪

♪

♪ I'm gonna drink all night ♪

♪ Until you fade away

♪ Yes, I am

♪

♪ You walk and you talk

♪ And my pain will all be erased ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Everything you ever said

- Whoo! - Go, driver, go!

Gigi, what a show! Gigi!

Hey, what's your problem, Johnny?

Bam Bam, man, with your stupid goddamn drum solo,

that's what really threw me off.

They loved the drum solo, asshole.

Chick in the front row

showed me her tits at the end of it.

Yeah, while you were onstage

doing your stupid little invisible snake dance...

That's because the pills

that Rehab gave me made me hallucinate.

I know.

Okay, no more unapproved pills or blue weed.

That's what did it.

That's right. That's what did it.

- That's what did it, yeah. - I know. It is, baby.

- Yep, yep. - Bullshit.

We know what it was. Huh?

Don't go indulging this guy's goddamn victim complex.

Get real.

I told you he was out to get me.

It's unbelievable.

Hey, this was the last gig

for The Heathens, okay?

So I hope you enjoyed

your final onstage meltdown.

Heathens' last gig forever.

First gig for The Assassins!

You're gone,

and you are off Team Assassin, my friend.

You're not taking us down with you.

What?

We've been making new plans for the band.

What should have happened in 1992,

what could have happened in '94

and '96 or 2003–

would have been the same result,

Johnny taking us to the edge of success

and then hitting the self-destruct button.

Team Assassin can't afford that anymore.

Hold on.

Gigi,

do you want your father off...

Team Assassin?

I just got a text from our promoters.

They want The Assassins back for another show this fall.

Two shows this fall.

He loved you, Gigi.

All right, they want to know what color T-shirts we want.

They think they can really move a lot of Assassins merchandise.

Go high, bro.

Gi, tell him he's gone.

Tell him what we talked about.

What did you talk about? Honey?

Dad, you're off Team Assassin...

because you've just been promoted to Team Gigi.

You're all on Team Gigi.

Dad stays on. You guys keep cowriting.

I work closer with the two of you.

I learn more about the craft and about songwriting,

and, Dad, I'm taking you to see a shrink.

No, no, honey, I–I'm not– I don't have to–

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We need to solve my dad's psychological problems

so he stops screwing us up.

And you all are coming into the sessions.

- Oh, oh! - I'm not going to a shrink.

Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

This band is so freakin' dysfunctional,

it makes Metallica look like the goddamn Jonas Brothers.

Ira, you can tell the promoter we'll be taking the gigs.

Gi, let's go talk about this–

All T-shirts, Ira, and promotional materials

including the marquee will read

"Gigi and The Assassins."

Okay, now, the next time we come back here,

I'm gonna need a couple things.

- You writing this down? - Yep.

Four bottles of

Krug Clos d'Ambonnay champagne

in the black gift boxes,

six dozen white roses,

and a pair of white bone pearl teardrop earrings

from Chopard.

See, honey, it really was karma.

Yeah, I guess it was.

Oh, my Twitter feed is blowing up.

(man) ♪ I don't want to get caught

♪ I don't want to get involved ♪

♪ I don't want to keep running to another scene ♪

♪ Had it coming

♪ Had it coming

♪ I had it coming

♪ I had it...

Sync by Alice www.addic7ed.com