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Subtitles by explosiveskull

Barry, do you hear that?

Superhero: The Musical.

I'm telling you I know what I'm talking about.

Get on the phone. Call the heads of all the studios.

This is going to be huge.

Chris!

No!

I don't know what's worse: a half-naked, oiled-up David Hasselhoff

or this bullet in my chest.

Probably asking yourself how I got into this situation.

Let's go back a few days.

Tommy's house, where it all started.

- Boom. - He's a reality TV producer.

Anyway, we're all there for Tommy's annual Celebrity Death Pool party.

That's me, Chris.

I own a nightclub called Habitat that's barely making ends meet.

My pick in the pool every year is David Hasselhoff.

I almost won last year as The Hoff nearly plunged to his death

skydiving blind on his reality show.

As usual, my luck didn't pan out while Hasselhoff's did.

I mean, as far as death pool's go,

I figured that was like drafting LeBron right out of high school.

What started out as an innocent game with my boys,

ended up being one of the worse weeks of my life.

Six years ago today,

18 men, all of whom are here,

chose one celebrity, put $500 into a bank account.

We then made a gentleman's agreement that whoever's celebrity died first,

that man would walk away with $9,000.

And what's the total now, Tommy?

A staggering, a shocking,

may I say life-altering amount:

$567,000!

You could buy a lot of weed with that.

So you want Hasselhoff to die, but you also booked his after-party.

- Isn't that a conflict of interest? - I like to hedge my bets.

I'm just curious. Would you rather have the money or a lifetime of awful karma?

Come on, so you want to have the wedding at Chuck E. Cheese?

They have a house band there. It's all animatronic robots.

I mean, if it's cool with you, it's cool with me.

Oh, it's definitely cool with me.

Sounds like the best wedding ever.

You don't even have to buy gifts.

You could win them with tickets.

It's amazing. Why is no one doing this?

Time to re-ante it. Let me hear it people. Come on.

With these contracts, so begins the Celebrity Death Pool 2016.

Yes!

Whoo!

I remember a friend of mine once saying to me, "A joint checking account with Chris?

Chris Kim?" And, of course, I objected.

Ann, your trust will soon be rewarded.

This is gonna be our year. This man is definitely going to die.

I can feel it in my motherfucking bones.

- Huh? - You're pathetic.

Thank you. I just want you to know,

I'm doing this god-awful, terrible thing for us.

Love you.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It's a little sad that we bet on celebrities to die,

but hey, what can I say... I don't have many hobbies.

Think maybe he's dead?

Fish, did you kill yourself?

Because if you didn't kill yourself, answer the door.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Six years and you've never missed a re-ante. - Where were you, buddy?

Well, where shall I start?

Oh, I know. My girlfriend's being probed on a regular basis

by some Antonio Banderas-looking motherfucker with a massive dick.

- So there's that. - What are you talking about?

Yesterday, I accidentally hacked into Jenn's Facebook account, like I normally do,

and I'm reading her in-box, two messages in,

boom, there it is... a big description of some bastard with a huge cock.

What?

Here it is.

- Sebastian Hollingbone. - Damn.

I know, right? It's like he's born to be on the cover of a romance novel.

He is the Latin Fabio. Oh, my God, he is beautiful.

- Just chiseled and... - All right, calm down, Tommy, thank you.

- You're not fucking helping. - Sorry. It's not natural.

What exactly makes you think Jenn is banging this roided out meathead anyway?

Ah, this?

And I shall recite.

"I long to stroke on your foot-long cock,

to lick it all over from the base to the top.

Once it is hard, I'd like it inside me

to poke and to prod and to lead me to ecstasy."

Fuck! I've got to stop reading it!

- Damn, that is graphic. - I mean, what the fuck?

Almost three years,

and she's writing this guy dick poetry.

Okay, yeah, that is a cock poem.

But on the bright side, it is a terrible cock poem.

Yeah. The meter's abysmal. The rhymes are forced.

She'll never get it published.

- So that's what you're telling me? - Yeah.

That it's not going to get published?

You fucking dickheads! That's not the point!

The point is why is she doing it?

Jenn's barely even touched my tiny knob recently...

let alone use iambic pentameter to describe it.

And now I know why. Because of Sebastian.

Every fucking picture of him is shirtless.

It's like he's allergic to shirts.

- I wear shirts. - Yeah, you do.

- You got shirts, yeah? - Wearing a shirt right now.

Yeah, because you're fucking normal.

Mm.

Okay, dude, dude, come on. Come on, man, fuck this guy. Fuck Jenn.

Yeah, who the hell does she think she's cheating on? You're Paul "The Fish" Fishman.

Thanks, Tommy.

But I've got to be honest.

I don't have a very big dick.

Okay, you know, neither do I.

More of a Korean genetic thing, but that's fine.

That's why we own a Hollywood club.

We overcompensate. That's what we do.

Once we renovate, you'll be knee-deep in all the pussy

a 25 percent investor with a mediocre member can handle, huh?

How do you like that?

I think obviously that... that sounds good, you know.

But I think I'm losing it.

You know, everywhere I look I see Sebastian.

Everywhere.

He's behind you, by the way, mocking my tiny penis.

Hey, gotta remain positive. Where's the old optimistic Fish? Come on.

I don't know.

I think he's been defeated by Sebastian's Hollingbone.

Dude, I need you to be strong for me. I really need you right now.

- Ahh! - Okay, I'm sorry, okay?

- I just... - Shaking me all the time.

- I'm sorry. - You know?

Breakups suck, I get it.

You have nothing to worry about, okay?

Look, blue skies ahead, buddy.

You gotta buck the fuck up.

David Hasselhoff's throwing an after-party at your nightclub this Saturday.

- The Hoff? - The Hoff.

- Is he gonna sing? - Yes.

- Oh. - No!

- No? - No.

Okay, good.

I'll try and make it.

If I'm still of sound body and mind.

Wait, wait.

That... That feels weird.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Don't cry.

So yeah, I had Hasselhoff in the death pool

and was also hosting his after-party.

I mean, just because I want Hasselhoff to die

doesn't mean that I'm not going to try to make a couple of bucks off him

while he's still alive... It's a win-win.

There he is. Here's my guy. Come on.

Not you, hey. Hey. Hello. How are you?

- Oh. - Hi, Tommy.

- Hey, you must be real proud of this guy. - Yeah, I am.

Refill?

- Yes, please. - Zoink.

So, Ann, where's Susan?

Tommy, I'm sorry,

but my roommate's never gonna sleep with you.

- She's engaged. - I forgot that she's engaged.

Why does she have to be engaged, because engaged people can't have sex with other people.

But wait, they can.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex with her,

and you can't actually stop me from having sex with her

because I'm already having sex with her in my head right now.

Ohh. Ahh.

Okay, yeah, that's very nice, Susan.

Oh, don't make Ann watch. That's... Whoa.

- Stop. - Copy that.

Dolores.

Fishman, you okay?

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'm...

- No. Yep. - Good lad.

- I... - All right, everyone,

let's give a warm welcome to our founder and CEO,

Mr. Richard Mayweather.

All right, let's get down to business.

Now, company profits have stalled in the third quarter.

I've been thinking long and hard about how to turn things around,

and here's some thoughts.

I want you to consider the difference between steel and pudding.

They're both made out of molecules.

Oh, God! Sebastian!

It seems, my lady, that my manhood has sprung to attention.

My dew-soaked ladydom awaits your staff!

- Ohh! - I wish to ravish you on this table!

Sebastian! Yes, please!

- No! - Ravish away, Sebastian.

- My previous lover never gave me... - No, don't... don't do that!

That's right, Fishman.

We can no longer stay passive.

My desire must be sated in the most forbidden of places.

Now dispose of your skirt and prepare to receive many sweet reams.

- Oh, yes! - No!

You mother...

I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!

I'll rip your love muscle right off! Do you hear me?

I'll kill you!

I got that feeling And it's so appealing

And what I'm feeling Is thrilling

It's that sexual healing

This is gonna be a big money night!

It fucking better be.

Chris, you worry too much about money. Now look at me.

I have two pairs of pants, two pairs of shirts, no underwear and I'm happy.

Yeah, 'cause you're always high.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

You even have weed in your hair.

Just a big...

I've been looking all over for you.

I better go smoke this.

Now if I'm not back in 20 minutes, it means I forgot to come back.

- Now what was I doing again? - Good luck, Rob.

Every time he walks away, I feel like it's the last time I'll ever see him.

Amazing tonight, everybody.

Simply amazing.

"Has he still got it?" Hell, you never lost it.

Whoo-hoo! Habitat, here we come.

Barry?

Let's go to Orchid.

Orchid it is.

I get that feeling And it's so appealing

And what I'm feeling

Hey, Barry, everything is all set for Mr. Hasselhoff's arrival.

So what's the ETA?

Chris, unfortunately we're not going to be able to make it tonight.

Mr. Hasselhoff has changed his mind.

One of his many talents.

What the hell are you talking about?

Well, we need someplace a little fancier, you know?

Are you fucking kidding me? We had a deal!

You are mistaken if you think that cussing and the yelling

is gonna make us magically appear at your shitty little club.

Let me speak to David Hasselhoff directly please.

Bye, cocksucker. Good-bye.

Hello?

Fuck! He's not coming.

Maybe I should go home.

Boss, we got us a little problem.

- Who's in the VIP suite? - Gina D'Andrea.

- And that's a problem why? - She's only 16.

- What? - And it shows that you signed off on her,

which is weird as hell 'cause the girl's on a kid's TV show.

Say no Gotta learn, learn

Gotta learn how to say no

You gotta learn How to say no

Gotta learn, learn

Gotta learn how to say no

You gotta learn How to say no

Gotta learn, learn

Gotta learn how to say no

Everybody just say no

Gotta learn, learn

Gotta learn how to say no

- Oh, shit. - You Ricky's dude with the "X"?

No, I'm the owner.

Well, your name ain't on the guest list, partner.

What? The owner ain't gots to be on the guest list, homie!

Hey, let him in, he's cute. I've always wanted to have sex with a tiny Asian man.

It's on my fuck-it list.

- Hi, I need to talk... - Don't talk, eat this.

- What was that? - It's a lude, man.

Lude? What the fuck are you? A Vietnam vet?

Shh. No negativity here.

Positive vibes only.

You need to grow.

- Speaking of grow... - Ohh! No, no! No!

Mom!

Oh.

It's always so good to see my little girl making new fuck buddies.

- You're her mom? - Yeah.

We're just trying to ditch that kiddy star rap and stir up some controversy.

No, no, okay, well, this time is over.

What the fuck is going on in my VIP suite?

Oh, my...

And the mom? You disgust me.

I will not stand by and have you turn this

Judeo-Christian friendly, Hollywood nightclub

into a fucking whorehouse, huh?

So, Grace Jones, stop making out with White Grace Jones.

Girl from the ring, Flacco and Chalupa, pack up your dildos,

batten down your anal beads and take this orgy to the streets where you belong.

Because this party is over.

This party ain't over until I say it's over, bitch.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

My eyes! My eyes!

Insanity outside a Hollywood nightclub last night,

a huge star being smuggled out undercover

after claims of being sexually abused by the nightclub owner.

So who is this woman? It's child star Gina D'Andrea,

claiming that Chris Kim, owner of Hollywood club Habitat, sexually assaulted her.

She says that he put his face in her crotch.

- Annie, listen... - I don't want to hear it, Chris.

I mean, seriously,

I feel like this is a bad dream.

Me too! It's a fucking nightmare!

I just... I know you're furious,

but can you at least hear me out?

How long have you been doing stuff like this?

Do what? I haven't done anything they said I did.

Really? So you weren't doing coke and groping an underage girl?

I saw it, Chris. The whole world saw it.

My mom called me crying last night.

Fuck. Your mom saw it.

Everybody's mom saw it!

This is a ridiculous misunderstanding. You gotta believe me.

You know I'm a teacher, Chris. My students watch her show.

Just imagine what I'm going to deal with at work tomorrow.

Annie.

Will you just go?

Please. Just go.

Annie...

I'm broke, lost my fiance...

and The Hoff just won't die.

Can we change the sad music, please?

God, I'm pathetic.

- You wearing a wire? - Why would I wear a wire?

You know what? That's exactly what people say when they are wearing a wire.

Now it's time to spread 'em.

Fine. Go ahead.

Sorry. Just doing my job, guy.

Hey, is your job supposed to be checking for a tiny listening device strapped to my taint?

- In a sense, that's exactly what it is. - Fantastic.

Your mother must be very proud.

Yeah, she is, actually. I'm her favorite.

Where do you fall in your family's pecking order?

I'm guessing somewhere near the bottom.

- I saw you on TV this morning. - I didn't do it.

- Not any of it. - Yeah, the old "I didn't do it."

Popular phrase in this town. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work.

Mm.

- Okay. - Oh.

- No. - Oh, okay.

Mr. Kim, so today is payday.

Mr. Wasserstein, um, I'm actually asking for an extension.

An extension? That's, uh... That's a ballsy request.

No, um, I just need a little more time. Just-Just anything...

Mr. Kim, if you'll indulge me a brief story. I call it, "The Parable of the Loaves."

Jesus Christ.

Years ago, there was a 10-year-old boy living in Brooklyn.

His mother was crazy, his father a drunk.

So naturally, he had to fend for himself most of the time,

and in that he was hungry, he took to stealing scraps of bread from a local baker.

They knew, and it was no big deal.

But soon enough, the boy got cocky.

He started stealing more and more.

Now, the baker had a son around the same age as this little boy.

And one day, the baker's son witnessed the boy

stuffing an entire loaf of bread down into his drawstring pantaloons.

Now stealing scraps, that's one thing.

But I'm sure you would agree an entire loaf, well, that's another matter entirely.

So for three months, the baker's son beat the boy bloody

until it was certain that he had learned his lesson.

Um, that boy who stole the bread... that was you?

What? No, fuck, no. No, I was the boy who beat the shit out of that boy.

I was the baker's son. The point is this, Mr. Kim.

You owe me $400,000,

and I really enjoy beating the shit out of people who steal from me.

I just need a little breathing room.

Mr. Kim, I believe that you should consider your breathing room

as the fact that you are now currently still breathing.

Oh.

Now you gave me your word that you would give me the 400K

on a date that we both agreed upon, Mr. Kim.

If one man cannot take another man's word, all order is lost.

And still, Mr. Kim, I'm rooting for you.

Nick however, not so much.

You have 72 hours beginning now, Mr. Kim.

Okay. Thank you, sir.

You know, you really could have supported me just a little bit more with the bread story.

Well, you and your hyperbole. Now it's a whole loaf?

Now I'm being... I'm being hyperbolic?

Yes, it's a whole loaf that he's stuffing into a pair of drawstring?

That's the whole point of the story.

It starts nice with a little scrap. I mean, look at...

He's looking at me like then what, then what?

You said pantaloons. You said pantaloons.

- That's exactly what he was wearing. - Whatever. Okay.

- He had the pantaloons. That's what I had. - Maybe you're right.

He had pantaloons. I had dungarees. He had pantaloons.

- And I watched him stuffing it. It might have been a bun. - Maybe you're right.

Ah, go fuck yourself.

Let's go down the list.

I'm accused of dealing drugs, serving alcohol to a minor,

sexual assault on that minor,

so Ann kicked me out, plus I owe 400 grand to a goddamn psychopath

and my last hope investor lost his fucking mind.

- Uh, Fish. - Yeah, Fish.

His brain melted.

A 5150 in some 72-hour psychiatric hold.

This is some heavy shit.

Damn it, Chris, why'd you go to Wasserstein?

It was because I'm desperate, Tommy.

I will help you with anything you need.

So you'll lend me the money?

I would love to give you the money, but I don't have the money, okay?

Work's not going great. The last two shows failed.

Look, if Redneck Atheist works out, then we're good.

- But I gotta tell you this thing's being real hard to cast. - No, no. Uh, no.

- Thanks. It's my shit storm, so I'll take care of it. - I tell you what I can do.

I could talk to Ann. She trusts me.

I'll go over there and explain that you don't touch kids... anymore.

Come on!

Come on!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck you! Fuck!

Piece of shit!

Oh, come on. Fresh garbage, buddy.

David Hasselhoff?

Yeah! This will fetch so many deutsche marks on the market.

Even the hobo loves The Hoff.

Let me guess. German.

Why does everybody keep saying that about me? It's so strange.

But enough about me. What's wrong with you? You look so sad.

You're like a sad, sad man.

Speak to me, sad man, of your sadness.

I feel like the whole world is taking a gigantic piss on my head.

I can relate to this so hard. Just this morning, a little schnauzer pissed on my face.

But it's okay, it's karma. You know why?

Because two days ago, I was urinating on his face. What?

When life shits on you, you shit right back.

Yes.

That actually makes a lot of sense right now.

Oh, I know, right?

It's why I fling feces at people I don't like.

Not you though. You're very, very nice.

You're like a Mr. Miyagi with a toupee minus 20 years and 20 pounds.

You're like waxing on and off all day long. I love you.

Also, can I give you a hand job for a dollar?

- No? - How about a beer?

Okay.

- You like to drink, probably? - Yes, I'm a raging alcoholic.

Okay.

Shit.

Hey, the hand job's on me.

You eyeing me now?

You want a go?

You judge me all you want.

It ain't my fault Mama's Family was canceled in 1986.

And like the Dark Knight said, it is always darkest before the dawn.

I am a good person, and I am stronger than you know,

and I will persevere with my dignity!

Ahh!

Annie? I'm not breaking in.

I really need to talk to you.

Shit's gotten really bad.

I'm so sorry about what happened the other night.

I said a lot of things that I regret.

Annie?

Oh, no, no, no. Chris, hey, hey.

Jesus Christ, really?

You chose to come out of the shower right now?

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What...

So you said you were going to talk to Ann, huh?

- I did talk to... - Huh, pal!

- I-I did talk to her! - Chris!

Chris!

Where's Susan?

- I don't know. - Oh.

It's a sebaceous cyst. It's not a big deal.

Fuck! Fuck!

God!

When life shits on you...

you shit right back.

Hi, Fish.

Hey.

I don't know how to play this game.

- Is that mustache real? - Of course it's real.

I'm sorry. You're... You're looking good.

Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich?

No, I'm fine.

- You sure? - Yeah.

I had the nurse make it. It's Colby.

I'm actually in the middle of a very exciting experiment.

Every day, I get a different sandwich with the same cheese in it.

Which cheese is winning?

Well, it's the same cheese every time. It's a Colby.

If you're not going to eat that...

it's gonna go to waste.

Because I'm telling you now, Sebastian will not touch it.

He's over there, look.

Lifting weights. Look at him.

So "muscley."

Don't stare at him. That's what he wants you to do.

He likes it when you look.

God, I'm so sorry. You really lost your mind.

I don't think I've lost it.

I think it's been misplaced.

- Yeah. Yeah. - That's why I'm here.

- You know I'm looking for it. Searching around, you know? - Mm-hmm.

While we're on the subject of losing minds,

I feel like I've... I've misplaced mine.

I heard that you molested some kids.

No.

- No. - What the fuck you doing that for?

No.

I'm only going off what I heard.

I just found out that Ann is fucking Tommy.

What the fuck?

Ann is actually Tommy?

No, no, no.

- No. - That makes sense.

You can see it.

They're never in the same room at the same time.

No, they are. They are, a lot.

They're in the same room a lot. That-That makes no sense.

No, my best friend is fucking Ann.

I am not! You know what, you get out!

Security!

Oh, g'day, mate.

Just a, uh, another grilled cheese sandwich.

Yep. Two eyes. One pointer.

Not you.

Tommy.

- Right. - Yeah.

I see.

I'm not your best friend.

I meant to say...

Tommy's my second best friend.

- Good. Okay. - Yeah.

That's more like it.

In fact, that's classic second best friend behavior.

- I feel for you. - Yeah.

My life is in shambles, man.

And the only way I can deal with it is,

I have to kill Hasselhoff.

Yeah.

It's the only way to turn my life around.

To win the death pool money.

- He's had a pretty good life. - Yes. Yeah.

Exactly. And I'm not a murderer. I don't want to do this.

I'm not like Dexter or anything.

- Fuck, no. You're not Dexter. - No.

- You kidding me? - Yeah.

- He plans things out. He's meticulous. - Thank you.

Shh, shh, shh. Just keep things on the down.

Before Sebastian and I became buddies, I actually wrote a list

in my journal of the many ways I wanted to kill Sebastian.

Now, it's pretty much endless.

Well, it's three pages, but check it out. Look.

- Gun, okay? - Mm-hmm.

- Rope. Candlestick. - Mm.

I was playing a board game at the time when I came up with those ones.

Horse accident.

Is he into horses? No.

I don't think so.

A monkey attack.

Scarf caught in sidecar.

- You got a sidecar? No. - No.

Mortal Kombat?

- That... That's a game. - Yeah.

- Bullfight. - Mm-hmm.

Difficult.

Funny berries? Just sort of give it, get him to come over,

"Hey, look at these funny berries I found in your garden.

I've had a couple. They're fine."

Sinkhole? You hear about those big holes that suddenly appear? Was on the news.

Half a town's been swallowed up? Get him into one of those towns.

Anyway, it's all in there. You take it, all right? It's out of my hands now, see?

Now don't show that to Sebastian on your way out, will you?

I know what you're thinking.

I've mended my bridges. This is for you to burn yours.

- Thank you so much. - Okay.

- Thank you, Fish. Get well. - All right, good.

Wait!

Check it out.

David Hasselhoff has a shellfish allergy.

- That's my phone. - Yeah, sorry about that. I just...

I've done learned a bit of light-finger while I'm in here.

Anyway, that could help you out. Shellfish allergy.

- Okay. - Okay? All right. Go.

Oh, wait.

Here.

Thirty "Lorazepaz," all right?

It says on the label there do not mix with grapefruit juice. Could cause fatal reaction.

Might help you on your job.

- Okay, thank you. - Okay. Good.

- Thank you. - You know what I mean?

- Yeah. Absolutely. - Wait!

Take that as well.

Quick, before they see the switch.

I'm fine.

All right, time to kill Hasselhoff.

To be clear, this isn't about me.

I'm doing society a favor.

Okay, maybe it is about me, but I had to gather some intel first.

Cover your gray chest hair.

David Hasselhoff

I come bearing wonderful gifts.

Is your manager like the penguin or something?

Eight fantastic scripts.

Not interested.

What, didn't you get my e-mail last night?

- Uh, yeah, I got it. Are you drinking again? - No.

No.

No.

So you were thinking clearly

when you sent me that e-mail that said two words...

superhero musical?

- Superhero musical? - Let's go down the list.

First of all, I have the voice of an angel.

I look phenomenal in tights.

I'm stronger than most men, even though I don't have superhuman strength per se, I...

Whoa! All right! Let's just not forget something.

You're David Hasselhoff. You're not Christian Bale.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me finish.

- Christian Bale wishes he was David Hasselhoff. - Thank you.

Come on, I'm super famous all over the world.

I mean, hell, in half of Europe I am a goddamn superhero.

Barry, I know what your problem is.

When you look at me, you see this perfectly chiseled, tanned exterior.

What you don't see underneath is this complicated human heart I have.

I want to show the world the real me.

I want to go full Hoff.

Just read one script! I'm begging you!

- Please! - Look,

if it's a rights issue, we could create our own superhero,

like, um, Electric Man.

He could shoot lightning bolts out of his dick.

It isn't a rights issue.

- Well, what? - Do you remember what we talked about last week?

Attainable goals.

Attainable.

Barry, I have driven a talking car.

I have saved people's lives from mutant electric eels.

- On TV! - And in real life.

Uh...

You have an autograph signing in two hours. Let's just focus on that.

Because that is real.

And I am a goddamn certified, modern-day superhero.

And I am going to prove it to you.

Love you.

Mean it.

Hoo-ah!

Great. I got to kill a man who shoots lightning out of his dick.

Sit down.

- Sit. - May I?

Please, relax.

I realize this is probably a highly unpleasant situation for you,

so let's first do some deep breathing so as to better center ourselves.

What do you say?

All right.

There, all better.

I want you to tell me where I can find Chris Kim.

- I don't know where he is. - Bullshit.

Start talking, lady.

It's-It's the truth.

I swear. He thinks I slept with his best friend

- and I haven't been able to get in touch with him. - Who gives a fuck?

Chris tells me that you two share a joint bank account? I would like to see that.

It's basically empty. Chris is terrible with money. He's in way over his head.

Yes, he is.

Please don't hurt him.

Little lady,

please don't be confused by my tranquillity.

You're sitting with a man who does bad things to good people.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

You can check. There's nothing.

My checkbook is in there. You can...

You expect me to believe he has nothing?

No investments? No 401K?

IRA? Nothing at all?

He doesn't have any investments. He's...

I mean, unless David Hasselhoff drops dead, he's basically destitute.

Wait, whoa, excuse me. What was that?

- He doesn't have any money. - Honey, not that part.

The talking car guy? What are you talking about?

Hasselhoff.

Chris is in some stupid celebrity death pool with his friends.

If David Hasselhoff dies, he wins something like a half a million dollars.

A half mil if Hoff kicks the bucket?

Fuck me, I want a piece of that.

Yeah, you know what? I do too.

All right, thank you very much for your time. We'll see ourselves out.

Nick, what's the name of that place we passed on the way in?

- Cattleman's? - Cattleman's. Yeah. I could use a steak.

Sounds good. Maybe a blooming' onion.

Should I leave this closed or open?

I'll just leave it open.

I'll be damned if this jacket doesn't fit just like a glove.

- David, you look great. - Like a second skin, Barry.

You know, I hate to sound egotistical, but if I was a woman, I would...

You'd do yourself. Yes, I know. You said that inside already.

And honestly, buddy, there's no way to say that without sounding egotistical.

So you just might want to pump the brakes on that one.

Okay, let's get going. We're running late.

KITT, calculate time to destination.

Calculating, Michael.

Time to destination... 12 minutes, 14.63 seconds.

Oh, no, no, I missed a spot. Oh.

- Thanks, buddy. - Seriously?

How much is he paying you?

Nothing. He...

He's hooking me up with a part in his superhero musical, man.

- But there is no superhero mu... - But there will be.

There will be.

KITT, engage super pursuit mode.

Super pursuit mode engaged, Michael.

If you've never been,

let me assure you that Venice Beach is batshit crazy.

So if ever there was a town where I could blend in

and inconspicuously kill the star of Knight Rider, this was it.

Whoa! Spend a lot of time in the tanning bed, huh?

Just kidding.

Hi, excuse me? Can I have one large pizza?

- Here you go. Keep the change. Thank you, sir. - Welcome.

Thank you very much.

Jessica and Rose.

Wow, you look good in that bathing suit.

You'll never drown.

There you go, Rose. Have a lovely day, and, uh, call me later.

I loved you as Nick Fury.

You look just like me.

Barry, get his number.

If I ever want to fuck myself, I'll give you a call.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Special delivery coming through. Excuse me.

Barry, feeling a little dry.

Next.

Sorry about that. Sorry. Excuse me.

So sorry about that. I'm sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hell no! Are you trying to cut?

I'm not trying to cut and get an autograph.

I'm here to make a special delivery to your overlord.

Each of us aspires to receive sage wisdom from The Hoff.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

What is with you guys? Are you guys like a gang?

- We're just fans, bro. - Fans.

- Hoff army! - Hoff army!

Yeah!

Dude. And, like, that's normal?

I'm sorry. Am I not normal?

Oh, you're very normal, Professor Clump.

And by the way, the Fat Albert callbacks are down the street.

- Fat Albert? Fuck you! - Hey, dickhead!

What about me? Am I normal?

More or less, Midget John Stamos.

- I'm a dwarf, you son of a bitch! - Hey! Hey!

- Hey, man, fuck you! - Hey, let me go.

- No! - Come on, man!

- Go, go, go! - Okay! Okay!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey.

Ow!

Get him, Billy!

Ladies and gentlemen, The Hoff will take a ten-minute break,

- and we'll be right back to sign your autographs. - But don't worry.

There's a huge after-party at my house.

Um, um, excuse me. Um, could we wrap up this beating please?

I have other things to do today.

- No! - No!

Yeah, that worked out well.

Obviously, I suck at murdering.

And now my life is about to get a whole lot more complicated.

You Nick?

So Redix, huh?

What's that? First name, last name, nickname?

One word. Redix.

- Like Madonna. - Oh.

Cher. Jewel.

Redix.

Oh.

Chocolate cake. Okay.

So, Redix, are you, uh... you up to speed on what Wasserstein needs you to do?

Oh, yeah, baby.

It is a shame though. I'm a fan of David Hasselhoff.

- Yeah. - He a beautiful man.

Tall, wonderful hair, sexy motherfucker.

Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean, man. Wait...

Got, like, that Tom Selleck thing going on, you know what I'm saying?

Except without the Selleck 'stache.

Could you imagine Hasselhoff with a Selleck 'stache?

Oh.

Damn.

I'm getting hard just thinking about that.

What, are you gay?

Yeah, you got a problem with that?

No! I just...

I mean, I would never... I mean, look at... Yeah, I get it.

You're fucking with me. That's good. You almost got me.

Man, didn't your mom ever tell you not to judge a book by its cover?

- Yeah, but... - But, but, but... but nothing.

Let's get one thing straight.

I'm a gigantic, rage-filled mocha-skinned badass,

and I kill people for a living.

So, yeah. My cover's hard as fuck.

But inside, it's a gay-ass book, baby.

Now who's a motherfucker gotta blow to get some milk around here?

Here, take my milk.

I ain't drinking your milk.

- Why not? - That's gross.

You took my cake.

A cake's one thing, milk's another.

A man needs his own cup of milk.

You put dicks in your mouth, and you won't drink my milk?

You pour some milk inside a dick, I'll drink that shit.

But I ain't drinking it out of your nasty-ass cup.

You people confuse the hell outta me.

- Who, black people? - No, gay people!

Okay. Okay.

I'm fine with that. That's confusing to some people. I get it.

After having the shit kicked out of me by those Hoff-loving carnies,

it was time for plan B.

For real

It's real

I'll be throwing up The W

Bow down And give me the crown, nigga

Give me the mike Y'all ain't rockin' it right

Just-Just Bow down And give me the crown, nigga

I'm 'bout to hurt somebody's Feelings with this

You could either-either Bow down And give me the crown, nigga

Hey, man, you Korean?

Nah, Chinese, dude.

Close enough.

Gena Lee Nolin. You still look hot.

- I mean, 20 years, and you still look hot. - Thank you.

- You look the same as you did on Baywatch. - Thank you.

You got my money, funny boy?

Winslow! Holy mother of God, you scared the shit out of me.

Grapefruit juice.

I haven't... I haven't slept in days, player.

You know... You know what's up.

Life in the service industry. You know what I'm saying, player?

La-la-la Zoink!

Gotta take care of, uh, Mr. Jack Hoff over there.

Jack Hoff.

'Cause he's a jack-off.

Do you know how many orgies this guy ruined with his weird sound effects?

- I mean, goddamn. - Your favorite?

Oh, please.

Oh, God.

Mr. Hasselhoff, I know you don't indulge...

Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you. Everybody, listen up!

A toast!

They say in life, there are no second acts.

And what do I say to them?

Fuck Hoff!

Sometimes there's five acts and the finale

and then an encore!

To the encore!

Robot needs juice.

Do you ever stop?

Is there anyone at this party I actually like?

Me?

How about a three-way?

Rick Fox.

The most attractive man in the NBA.

David Hasselhoff. The most attractive man in Hollywood.

Hoff and the Fox.

Yeah. Fox and The Hoff.

Well, see you around.

- All right. Let's do this again sometime. - Okay.

Rick, over here.

Caitlyn Jenner.

You haven't changed a bit.

Come here, you old motherfucker.

I need everybody's attention!

Uh...

No, no, no, no!

Oh, my God!

Save him!

Weren't you a lifeguard?

No. No, I just played one on TV.

Better save him, David. It's a huge liability.

Oh! Ah!

Shit.

Why is he running in slow motion?

All right. Okay. All right.

Oh. Okay. All right.

One, two, three, four, five, breathe.

He's not breathing. I need some help.

Little man, come here and help me. When I say breathe, you breathe.

One, two, three, four, five, breathe!

One, two, three, four, five. Breathe, little man.

One, two, three, four, five. Come on, Michael, come on.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, whoa. He's choking.

Hang on. I got you, I got you.

Oh!

Huh!

Huh!

All right. Little man, you okay?

Barry?

Where the hell have you been, huh?

I just saved two people's lives. You're in there getting a hand-job.

You are fired for the next five minutes, until I calm down.

Hoff! Hoff! Hoff!

I think the Black Keys got their name from this toy keyboard.

Which is odd. The White Keys, you never hear about them.

That'd be a bigger group. They must have come here at some point.

Focus.

Foc... I'm in the focus group.

No, no, no. What's going on?

I'm focusing.

N-Now. Now, what's going on?

Yesterday we had soup, but it was off.

Although they said it was seafood chowder. I think it was just off.

Tonight it's Scrabble night. I'm the only one playing. Chris is gonna kill Hasselhoff.

And always line up your slippers at the foot of your bed.

- Go back. - Line up your slippers?

Chris is gonna kill Hasselhoff. I gotta go find Hoff's house.

No, he's gonna kill Hassel... I tried to stop him!

But I may have given him some murder ideas.

Sebastian, they weren't meant for you.

They were not meant for you.

They were meant for you, but we changed.

We're a mended bridge.

Do you like the Black Keys?

Barry!

Hi, David.

Hey, you really gotta read this script.

It's about the guy that found Toys for Tits.

Tots!

Toys for Tots.

Toys for Tits. That's a better title.

Now, that's a script I'd read.

Okay, so nothing I tried was working to off The Hoff.

This guy just won't die.

So I had to resort to more drastic measures.

Excuse me, little girl, do you know of any Glocks in the area?

Hi. Hi, excuse me?

Hi. Hi.

'Sup, bro? Can I help you, man?

Uh, yeah, I would, um...

I'd...

I don't know how to phrase this.

Phrase what, amigo?

Um...

Uh, uh... Spit it out, bro.

A-A gun. I-I need a gun.

- A gun? - Oh!

You're asking me for a gun!

You assume because I'm Latino and I'm walking down the street, that what?

I just know where you can get a gun, bro?

Okay, when you put it that way, I understand...

You're in my heart, bro.

I like to think that in this day and age, with the color of my skin,

it doesn't dictate whether or not I know where you can buy a gun.

No, it's not about the color of your...

An empanada recipe? Let me guess.

Please don't stab me in the neck, I'm a bleeder.

Got you!

Homie, I'm just messing with you, bro.

I'm work-shopping my Latino accent.

Check it, check it, check it, check it.

- I'm an actor. - Oh!

Yeah, Big Time Rush, you ever see that?

No. No.

No? Fuck it.

Look, um, I am now selling guns as my day-job.

- Oh, how wonderful. - Yeah.

I love it when actors get work.

Yeah, man, do you have $300?

Sorry. I have $200.

$200. Look, uh, I'll make it work.

Meet me around the corner, all right?

S.

Bye, vato.

David. Do I have to even ask?

My superhero is a master of swords.

Swordsmith.

Is that a word?

Swordsmith?

There is no superhero musical.

Maybe not now, but there will be. Pull!

Pull!

Oh!

There is no superhero musical.

Okay, I'm running out of options and time.

I need to get close to Hoff again.

Gotta love social media.

Nice photo, you well-coiffed prick.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Can I help you?

Yeah, is this Mr. Hasselhoff?

Depends on who the fuck you are.

Um, I'm-I'm Chris.

From Bird Oasis.

I know you normally come into the office,

but we had some issues with this employee who worked on your two cockatoos last.

You know, I don't mean to cause any alarm, but...

This employee wasn't doing anything sexual, was he?

What? No, no.

That's a really weird conclusion to draw.

No, there's just been some issues with the medications.

We just decided to do some house-calls on our very important...

All right. Come on in.

Thank you.

That means "how are you" in German.

You say "gut."

Gut.

That means "good." Come on in.

Gorgeous. Who is she?

- Oh, that's me. - Gut.

- Okay. - Ahh!

- Beautiful room. - Oh, thanks.

I had it custom-built for my babies here, Dolce and Gabbana.

You look familiar.

Yeah, I'm Chris from Bird Oasis.

No, no.

It's the mouth.

I'm, uh...

I-I do some mouth modeling.

- Crest Whitestrips commercial. - Okay.

Damn, I'm good.

You were good in that commercial too. Great mouth.

Anyway, make yourself at home and take care of my babies. Call me if you need me.

Hoff stuff, baby Want some Hoff stuff

Free at last!

Kill The Hoff, kill The Hoff, kill The Hoff,

kill The Hoff, kill The Hoff... huh?

Nothing?

I'm glad we had this talk, Dolce.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, I gotta kill your boss.

Let's do this shit. I'm gonna do this.

What the fuck am I doing?

I can't...

Put down the gun, Chris.

Jesus Christ!

Did you hear that?

David, I think I heard a gunshot.

Barry, it's just the TV.

Relax, bro.

Read your scripts.

- What are you doing here? - Trying to stop you from shooting that thing.

You're making a huge mistake.

You fucking Ann was a huge mistake.

I told you I didn't have sex with her. It was Susan, her roommate.

I told you I wanted to fuck her like 45 times.

Ahh! She's engaged. Yes, I know.

And you know what? I don't care.

I saw Annie half-naked in her apartment with you!

Unfortunate, yes, that she was coming out of the shower at that time,

but you of all fucking people should understand a crazy mishap.

- Do you need proof? - I don't need fucking proof.

Well, look at the... Whoa.

Whoa, wow. That is a lot of piercings for one vagina.

Look.

Happy? Happy?

Now, it's this way.

Ann's angry...

Angry. Yeah.

What the fuck am I thinking, dude?

Gotta get the fuck out of here.

Oh, shit.

Fuck! Large guy with a Glock.

- Was that part of your plan? - This is my first murder, dude.

I'm just making shit up as I go along, man.

I really fucked up.

Man, I just... I fucked up.

We're all gonna fucking die. We're all gonna fucking die.

Don't be a fatalistic little bitch.

We'll get you the money somehow.

Ann still loves you, asshole, okay?

So screw your debt, screw the club.

She loves you. That's all that matters.

Let's get out of here.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Shit!

- Oh! - Oh, okay.

Don't shoot. Nobody shoot.

Says the fool with the Ginsu.

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are we?

Hey, Chris.

We've come to help you off The Hoff.

And we're gonna take all that cash money.

I can't wait to kill some people up in here.

Hey, you can't kill me because if you do,

I can't collect the money to pay Wasserstein.

I bet you could still collect the money missing some of your fingers.

But then the money would have blood all over and who wants to have bloody money?

Shut the fuck up. You got jokes?

No. No, no.

Please, don't make me pull the trigger.

- You just call me nigga? - What? No!

- Because it sounded like you said nigga. - No, no, no!

I said don't make me pull the nigga!

- Ah, trigger! - Nigga?

I heard it that time for sure.

I'll shoot the first white motherfucker...

That's what I'll do! I swear!

Everybody stop saying nigga!

Hey, what's going on?

- Oh! - Oh, what, wait.

Whoa, oh.

Oh, oh! Oh, I get it.

You're looking for Ted Nugent's house.

That's two doors down.

Happens all the time.

If you like, I'll walk you over.

Yeah, you're not in charge, Hoff.

Little Asian guy over there is in charge.

Specifically in charge of what happens to you.

Well, what's going to happen to me?

You know what? That's a pretty fair question.

Here's the thing, Hoff.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Listen, tough guy.

You want something to do with my client, you gotta go through me.

With pleasure.

Whoa!

Ohh!

Ah! He shot me in the foot!

- Oh! - Ooh, it's in there deep.

Run!

Oh! Oh, my God!

He's so much more handsome in person.

So tall.

Ooh, my foot hurts but my heart feels great.

Would you stop thinking with your dick and go after him? I'll get those two assholes.

My bad, my bad. You're right, you're right.

Ohh!

Ooh, you fuckers!

Where's your car?

- I Uber'd it. - Uber'd it?

Who Uber's to a murder?

Fuck! Shit! That was our only gun!

Jesus, motherfucker.

Drop it.

Oh, shit. I'm fucked.

What do you people want with me, anyway?

I've never done anything to anybody.

I got half a million reasons. And they all green, baby.

This is about money?

You put a hit out on The Hoff for money?

Wha... W-Wha...

Memorabilia, you know, it's quite a big thing.

I got... I got bathing suits from Baywatch.

I stole one from every one of the girls from the dressing rooms.

Yeah. Yeah, I-I got the Knight Rider car outside.

You know, KITT? You could sell KITT. Lot of money.

- Lot of money for KITT, yeah. - Hey, man, I like all that shit.

- I'm a fan. I am. - Good.

But I work for a greedy motherfucker that wants you dead.

So, yeah, I love Baywatch.

Knight Rider, that was my jam.

- Oh. - When I was 16 years old,

I taped three pieces of red licorice

on the dashboard of my Toyota Celica,

drove around like I was Michael Knight on adventures and shit.

I flew my ass to Gutenberg, Germany, to watch you perform two nights.

- Both nights you blew the roof off. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Amazing show! - Thank you.

- Every Frulein in that spot had her panties wet. - Yeah.

- I didn't want to leave Germany. - Okay.

I get it. Thank you.

But I got a job to do.

So turn that candy-ass around.

Wha...

Don't give me those baby blues.

Don't you do it.

Don't give me that winning smile.

Don't you dare.

Turn that ass around!

Yeah, real slow, like.

Oh, good God.

Look at that back.

So shiny.

Look like a planetarium.

I just want to fly my rocket ship through your space.

I'll tell you what.

Another time, another place,

I'd tear that ass up.

Oh, yeah, baby.

- That's what I'm talking about. - I wouldn't...

Just look out at the water, think about saving some buxom bitch.

W-Wha... What?

Can I ask you a question?

You ever thought about growing a Selleck 'stache?

Ha!

Days like this make life worth living.

I gotta be honest with you guys.

I've never killed anyone in a house this nice.

Hey, you want to be a reality TV star?

I can make that happen.

The-The... The The Real Hit Man of Los Angeles.

Just drop the gun. I'll set the whole thing up.

I hate reality shows. I'm more of a scripted guy.

One...

Fuck!

Dang, fucking teeth!

Chris!

You killed my best friend!

You piece of shit.

This ends right fucking now.

Yes, it does, cocksucker!

Don't rape me.

I mean, kill me first and then you can rape me, that's okay.

Fool! Do I look like a rapist to you?

I don't rape nobody.

I make love to my puppies.

Arf-arf.

Hey...

When you're backed into a corner...

when life pushes you in one direction...

and your heart tells you to go in another direction...

You gotta dig deep.

Yeah.

Find the courage to make the right choice.

Yeah. You do.

It may not be easy.

No.

But easy ain't always right.

It's episode 213 of Baywatch.

- "Crack Crack goes the Waves." - Yeah.

When Hobie bought all that crack and was smoking it with the kids at the beach.

Started hoein' out the other girls.

You had to yell at him. You gave him that speech.

I wrote that scene.

Oh, man, I'm so conflicted.

- I don't know what to do. - Okay.

Do I kill you or do I make sweet love to you?

Is there another choice?

Those are the only two choices we got, baby.

Either I murder you right here, or I murder that ass.

- No, I... - I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'll tell you what you're not going to do! Kill my best friend!

Oh, man!

Get the fuck out of here!

- Oh! - Ohh!

Damn it, Redix. You're letting your dick get in the way of your gun.

You need to kill this beautiful man.

Fuck this shit.

Yeah. Fuck... this... shit.

Didn't anybody ever tell you not to bring a knife to a gunfight?

Didn't anyone ever tell you

not to hassle The Hoff?

The dick! You shot me in the dick!

You okay?

You saved my life.

You okay?

Yeah. Bullet just grazed my head, I think.

- Let's get out of here. - Wait, wait, wait.

Not yet.

Fuck.

You pulled a ninja sword off the wall,

dared a black man with a gun to shoot you in the face,

then you deflected the bullet like a fly!

I ain't gonna lie.

That's the sexiest shit I've seen in my life.

Don't shoot him please!

Shoot him? I'm about to suck Michael Knight's dick!

Y'all should have seen the shit I just saw!

It was like MacGyver fucked Batman with Iron Man's dick!

I quit.

Barry, you hear that? Batman.

Superhero.

And this nigga can sing.

The musical, I'm telling you, I know what I'm talking about!

Get on the phone, call the heads of all the studios,

this is gonna be huge!

You disgust me.

No, no, don't shoot him. Don't shoot him!

Chris! No!

Chris!

Freeze!

Fish?

How did you get here?

I got a ride here with my new friend Sebastian.

If you even think about blinking...

Hoff didn't die, right?

Keep freezing.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

I'm sor...

Chris!

Chris!

Chris!

I'm still alive. I'm still alive.

- I'm still sorry. - I'm still alive.

- We're both sorry. - I was about to fall asleep.

Did you blink?

- Ow, man. - Be honest.

When I turned away, did you blink?

Y'all got a dick Band-Aid or some shit?

Ann?

My family wants to have me committed, but...

I have a little surprise for you.

What are you doing here?

I tried to kill you like... two times.

But you didn't.

You saved my life.

And in the process, man,

Jesus, you almost got yourself killed.

How you feeling?

Lucky.

Really, really lucky.

Oh, you didn't hear.

That Wasserstein guy. He's dead.

When the Hoff army found out he put a hit on me,

he didn't stand a chance.

You know, I am not surprised.

They are an especially aggressive bunch.

That midget, that red-headed man...

Chris, Tommy came to me and explained everything about the death pool.

I've decided to invest some money in the club and help you renovate it.

On one condition.

You stop playing the death pool.

You're right.

You're absolutely right. I am so sorry, David.

And I officially withdraw from the death pool.

That's my man.

You got a girl named Ann sitting right next to you

who loves you more than you deserve.

Don't let her regret it.

I won't.

And I love you.

I love you too.

Well.

Looks like my work here is done.

All's well that ends well, right?

Fish is now out of the mental ward, Tommy didn't have sex with Ann,

and I don't owe anyone any money.

And David Hasselhoff?

Let's be honest. That guy's gonna outlive all of us.

Kid Cudi.

Whoa, shit, David fucking Hasselhoff. How are you, man?

- You look awesome. - You do too.

- You just don't fucking age. - No, neither do you.

Ladies, listen. Everything I know about crushing pussy and solving crimes,

I learned from Michael Knight himself.

- And that's the truth. - Yes, yes.

- Hey. - Oh, wait.

- Oh, you still remember our secret handshake? - Oh, of course.

Boom! In the holster.

You still got it.

Like a disease.

Yeah. Ladies? Enjoy the night.

Cudi? Enjoy the ladies.

Can't believe this, dude.

It's so fucking crazy.

I don't deserve this.

Hey, you took a bullet to the chest.

You deserve this.

I think we're the luckiest people in the world.

I love you so much.

Come on, you guys, there's people watching.

Hey, Tommy.

Lot of top-shelf pussy here tonight.

You know, I could get used to running a club like this.

It's a lot of fun, you know?

There's no memorizing lines, no cars or chicks upstaging me.

I like it!

Hey, Chris, you gonna change your pick for the death pool?

Nope, I'm out.

No more death pool.

I got everything I need right here.

And I don't have anything against David.

I respect him.

You find somebody to take my spot?

Don't worry. We got a guy.

- Can I have Chris Kim to the stage? - I'm sorry. Showtime.

- Bye. - Chris Kim to the stage.

Who took Chris' spot in the pool?

Oh, well...

I did.

No way. Who did you pick?

I picked myself.

We all gotta die someday. Might as well make a few bucks on it, huh?

- Cheers! - Cheers!

Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to welcome everybody to the grand reopening of Habitat!

Huh? Give it up!

Okay.

I'm so excited. I want to introduce my new friend,

my new business partner,

and hell, he's my new fucking idol,

David Hasselhoff!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Give it up for Chris Kim!

I must admit...

I must admit I haven't known him very long,

and at first, uh, he actually wanted me dead.

But when it counted most, he had my very toned back.

So this goes out to all the lovers

and all the creamers and all the screamers.

To you and to Chris Kim.

Hit it, Joey.

Oh, come on now. We're gonna crush it.

You know I'm gonna crush you.

Here we go now. Come on.

You know I crush it Almost all the time

Not just a pretty face I got a brilliant mind

Of course I got haters But I don't got time

They don't matter to me Because the world is mine

I can't lose Because I don't quit

So get out of my face

Because you know that I'll be crushing it

You know I'm fucking crushing it

Damn, I'm fucking crushing it.

I crush it down I crush it down packed

Rolling in my '64 With the bitches in the back

If you try to step with me I'm going to have to attack

- Look out! - Now tell me

- What you going to do About that? - Oh!

I can't lose Because I don't quit

So get out of my way

Because you know that I'll be crushing it

Oh, I'm crushing it

Ooh

Oh, I'm crushing it

- Ooh - You know I'm fucking crushing it

Ooh

Damn I'm fucking crushing it

Everybody!

The Hoff is crushing it

Oh

The Hoff is crushing it

Oh, yeah!

You know The Hoff is crushing it

- Ooh - Goddamn, he's fucking crushing it.

Oh, baby, oh.

The Hoff is crushing it down

Yeah

The Hoff is crushing it down

- Oh! - Do it, little man.

Ooh

Ooh, crushing it down

He's crushing it down

Where to, David?

Wherever there's injustice.

Wherever there's someone in need of a hero.

Wherever there are women.

I could use a tune-up, David.

Whatever you like, pal.

The night is young, and I'm ready to roll.

Well, guess Hasselhoff is the man.

No, no, no.

Hasselhoff is the fucking man.

Turbo boost?

Turbo boost engaged.

Okay. You're good.

- You're good. - I'm fine.

Yeah. Look at you. Have you...

Have you... Have you gained weight?

- That's a good look on you. - Yeah.

- I love that. - I've been drinking.

That's why I'm here.

I'm looking for him. I'm searching around, you know.

- Let me try... - No!

Let's push it through the other side.

Oh, no! Don't push it through the other side!

I actually made a list

of the ways I want to kill him.

Leeches?

Or we could go to the Amazon?

Come for a quick trip there.

Don't-Don't wear your trousers.

Rack of wedding dresses.

What the fuck happened?

Get after him! Get after him.

I need a second to be alone.

Ah!

Ah, come on.

Come on.

Come on!

God! Oh, God. That's it.

Um, Freddie Mercury... Oh, no.

That should just say "mercury."

Or I kill you

or we have sex right on this cow-ass carpet right here.

I think, uh...

That's from Rawhide.

- And... - Oh, it's going to get raw hide.

- No, it's... - We 'bout to gets raw hide up in here.

That's a lot of money. No...

There's a lot of things in my house that are worth...

I want you to put a lot of things in my house.

When I say "house" I mean my asshole.

- Whoa, whoa. - Yeah.

Were you... Were you ever imprisoned?

Voluntarily.

Vol... Voluntarily!

The Hoff! We're going to kill The Hoff.

We're going to kill him, and maybe eat him.

No? Too much.

Ruptured appendix.

Not funny. He's going to die with that.

Just subtly rupture his appendix.

Um, put a tie on too tight.

Whoop! Got to go the wedding. I'll help you with that!

Fuck, he's dead.

Oh! God!

It fucking didn't work!

Fat man's hugs.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're just having fun at the end there.

What the fuck?

Those are the only two choices we got, baby.

- No, there's got to be another choice. - Nah, man.

Either I murder you right here,

or I murder that ass.

There's... There's got to...

- Let's think of a third choice together. - I ain't got one.

- Please. - Things come in twos.

No, I...

No, they don't. They do?

Only... Things come...

Bullfight. Okay, dress up as a bull.

Sink hole. You hear about those big holes that suddenly appear.

It was on the news. Half a town's been swallowed up.

Get him into one of those towns.

Oh, fuck you.

No, no, wait.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Ah, acting.

Somebody has to do it.

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