Original subtitles

(PEACEFUL, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC)

(CHEERING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(THEME MUSIC)

Hey, everybody. I'm James Duthie.

Yes, he is, and I'm Chad Bailey,

the sexy roguish new face of our parent company's effort

to rebrand Sports Desk for a new generation.

Sports Desk - it's not delivery.

It's Sports Desk.

OK. Uh...

We go live to Reading, Pennsylvania.

With the Big League officially shut down

thanks to the lockout,

all eyes are on the EMHL tonight

as the Reading Wolfdogs get set to take on the Halifax...

MAN : Highlanders, this season, the big show made it to us.

This lockout means there's gonna be a whole bunch of big dicks

swinging their way down to our league.

Play's gonna get faster, the hits are gonna get harder,

crowd's gonna get crowdier.

You fucking boys are the Light Brigade

and you're gonna need someone at the tip of the spear.

- You need a captain. - Yeah.

He's bled blue and orange for this team a long time.

That's right.

He's got that shit that keeps him going

long after he has any reason to.

Let's open that up.

- Dougie. - (APPLAUSE)

Time for you to put this fucker on.

Come on!

PLAYER : It looks good on you! Alright.

PLAYER : A C! Whoo!

(SIGHS) Thank you guys so much.

I've never been a captain before.

One time, I had a dream

that I was the captain of a monkey ship.

There was all these monkeys playing around,

laughing, having fun, singing,

wearing little monkey sailor hats...

...fighting over life jackets.

Pierce Brosnan was screaming.

I hope one day I can be the captain of your dreams.

Best wishes, Doug Glatt.

OK, yeah. Alright, good. Well, we, uh...

Doug, we didn't make you captain for your speeches.

We made you captain because...

Because you leave it all out there on the fucking ice.

Ah, this sport is everything to you, right?

You make me proud to own this team.

I want you all to watch Doug out there tonight.

Watch him do whatever the fuck it takes

to get us a W.

That said...

Come on! Let's get after it, boys!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

- Congrats, bud. - Thank you, buddy.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

JAMES : Joining us for tonight's game,

our own Red McCauley.

RED : Reading City Council

spent a bunch of money on a new jumbotron,

and right now, it's making everything red.

Go, boys! Go! Let's go!

I love this fucking game.

Halifax and Reading.

Here's LaFlamme dancing with the puck.

LaFlamme spins. He shoots.

He hit the post!

Now it's LaFlamme again! He's all over the ice.

Murphy steps into him.

Oh! Glatt absolutely levels Michael Murphy.

Sorry, Mikey. (GRUNTS)

Glatt's escorted aside by a couple of Reading Wolfdogs.

LaFlamme. Xavi was flattened. That angers Glatt.

Glatt fires a left. He fires a right.

- Sorry, Mikey! - (GRUNTS)

They're falling. The Wolfdogs are down.

- Sorry, Mikey? - Shut the fuck up, Doug.

And that is what friends are for,

especially when your friends are huge Jewish guys

named Doug Glatt.

LaFlamme takes the puck. He moves up the left wing.

LaFlamme trying to go to the outside

as the penalties expire.

Both sides at full strength.

LaFlamme in behind the goal, takes it into the corner.

He circles, looks in front.

Awaiting there is Glatt, but LaFlamme holds on.

- Jams it. He scores! - (CHEERING)

LaFlamme makes it 1-0 for the Halifax Highlanders.

- Alright. - Reunited and it feels so good.

It's a new dawn for the Halifax Highlanders.

- You're like Captain America! - Captain America.

New owner and GM Hyrum Cain's plan

to win a championship in his first season

starts off with a bang

as the Highlanders open the scoring.

(THEME MUSIC)

JAMES : Highlanders draw first blood at the buzzer,

but the real story here is the physical play.

Doug Glatt,

like a huge Jewish freight train, doing what he does best.

His tilt with Ross Rhea still number one

on the hockeyfights.com All-Time Best List.

He's already proving to be a difference maker

for Halifax GM and Highlanders Hall-of-Famer Hyrum Cain.

The other story to follow is Hyrum's son, Anders Cain,

who's coming off that career-high season last year -

80 points.

Anders now finds himself up against his own father's team

in the very first game of the season.

Anders is the prototypical modern-era tough guy,

able to drop the gloves and put up the points as well.

Anders and Xavier LaFlamme are perfect examples

of the kind of top-quality talent

this lockout is already providing the league.

What a great lockout.

No-one ever says that.

I just did, and I'm Chad Bailey. Sports Desk.

It's sports at a desk, you lunatics.

Look at this motherfucking desk.

I wanted to thank my big sis, Eva,

for organising the fuck out of this.

(WOMEN CHEER)

If you're gonna get shittered,

might as well get shittered at my place of work.

- Place of work! - (WOMEN CHEER)

Place of work! Place of work!

DOUG ON TV:..just add some cheese in there.

Oh, shit! There he is! Dougie!

When it gets to a certain length,

I just go to the barber

and he cuts it to the length that I want him to cut it to.

- Thank you. - MARY : Attaboy, Dougie!

But just to summarise, that's a yes on mandatory neck guards?

Yes. That's correct. Thank you.

OK, now, while we have you here,

is there anyone back home you'd like to give a shout-out to?

Yes, thank you.

I want to say hi to my one teammate, Eva,

who couldn't be here tonight.

She's my teammate that can't be here right now.

- My wife, Eva. - Doug with that big dick!

That's not appropriate.

I'll do whatever my team needs me to do.

MARY : Yeah, you do!

- Whatever you need. - (RETCHES)

(LAUGHS)

My beer's back.

(RETCHES, COUGHS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(SIGHS)

(BABY COOS)

Oh, f...

RONNIE : Fuck's sake!

Jesus Christ. Goddamn it!

No-one wants to skate anymore, is that it?

Do you want to sit here and breathe hard?

Dougie, you're on.

I want you to rough up a few of these Reading cunts right now.

The boys need some inspiration and you can provide that.

Let's go. Come on! Come on!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Here it comes.

(SPECTATORS EXCLAIM)

You wanna go?

- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Come on. Come on.

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Yes.

(SQUELCHING)

RED : Jesus Christ!

Anders Cain with the opening salvo.

- Come on, come on. - Doug Glatt is rocked!

Cain just keeps pouncing.

(BLOWS THUD)

- (JERSEY RIPS) - (GRUNTS)

(BLOWS CRUNCH)

- (GRUNTS) - 'The Thug's in trouble, folks.

(GRUNTS)

- (GROANS) - (BLOW SQUELCHES)

(GRUNTS)

- (BONES CRUNCH) - (GROANS)

What has happened to Doug Glatt,

the champion in so many eyes?

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

- You fuck! - You popped your whole arm out.

Fuck me.

Did I lose?

(HARD ROCK MUSIC)

(CHEERING)

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

Our boy's moving on to greener pastures,

but remember, once a Highlander...

- MEN : Always a Highlander! - MAN : Fuckin' A!

GORD : This one's for you, Dougie.

(BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION)

(SINGS) ♪ Oh, Dougie boy

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪

Jesus Christ, he's drunk already.

Fuckin' right, man. Potato fuckin' salad.

- (BEER MAT SMACKS) - Ow!

You will never eat a meal in peace.

Animals don't eat in peace.

Animals eat pieces of dog shit.

I'm not a fuckin' animal, man. I'm a real person!

- I got real fuckin' emotions! - Fuck you.

(GRUNTS)

Ow, you fuckin' Neanderthals!

I'm so fucking tired, Doug. I'm not as fast as I used to be.

I'm not as tough as I used to be.

MAN : Dougie! This is all for you!

(LAUGHTER)

How about you? How much recovery time?

The doctor said that I should never play hockey again.

Tabarnak.

Yeah, that's exactly what I said.

And we have a baby coming.

Eva's cousin, he's got a job opportunity

at an insurance company.

- I mean... - MAN : Sing Dougie boy!

...I got beaten.

He beat me.

I have to make responsible decisions.

(CROWD APPLAUDS, CHEERS)

I got you. I got you.

Stevesy, I think I'm gonna piss myself.

('MON PAYS NOIR' BY ROBERT COGOI)

Hey! There's my guy. Stay there. I'll come to you.

- Ooh. Yeah. - Just stand here?

- Just, uh... - (BOTH STAMMER)

- I told you I'm coming to you. - I'm Doug Glatt.

I said I was coming to you. I can do this.

Prostate. It's like a fuckin' melon.

There we go. See? Flat, I'm fine. It's the stairs.

- I'm Doug Glatt. - Yeah. Bob Forbes.

- Ow, my arm. - Oh, yeah. Hell of an arm.

How excited are you right now, huh?

Yes. Thank you so much.

- The windows here are great. - Yeah.

I'll tell you what, you deserve 'em,

'cause the sky is the limit here at Cornwallis Insurance.

- Hmm. - You seen the commercials?

- No. - Oh, you should.

They're real good. It says...

(SINGS) "Go ahead and call us. We're..."

You want me to call you?

No, I want you to finish the song.

- (SINGS) "Cornwallis." - Oh.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. There he is. He's going up, this guy.

Get in there.

It used to be a jail. Prisoners killed themselves.

Doug Glatt, storage room. That's you.

How's that feel?

You know, you mentioned you play hockey.

I used to watch a lot of hockey

till it got too exciting for the old ticker.

I had a massive heart attack.

Yep, I am a sick man.

Anyway, I'm lying on my death bed

and that's when I got bit by the selling insurance bug.

Yeah, she laid eggs right inside of me

and now you're here.

- (MOANING) - I'm allergic to eggs.

You're an idiot. Nobody's allergic to eggs.

- (MOANING CONTINUES) - Oh, Christ, this guy.

Come on. Come on. Come on! Come on!

Get outta there! Quit! Quit that!

It's like he's showing off, huh? Nice thick stream.

- Yeah. - God.

They got a whole alley to do that in

and then they choose this window to piss on.

- God, it's like crack to them. - It's crazy.

They also sell crack at that window.

- Oh. OK. - Yeah. But don't worry.

It's safe as long as you get out by sundown.

That's when the hand jobs start.

What the...?

('YOU'RE A STRANGE ANIMAL' BY GOWAN PLAYS IN DISTANCE)

There's a lot of cars in our driveway.

- Aah! Surprise! - Thank fuck!

I was gonna be in town anyway, so I thought to myself,

wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to organise

a little something for the two of you?

Oh, I am so proud of you, Dougie.

You found something secure and steady.

You see? Everything has a time and a place.

- (CHUCKLES) - Thanks, Mom.

(SIGHS) A new house, a baby.

I can't believe I'm gonna be a grandmother.

If I'm being honest,

there was a while where I never thought it was gonna happen,

what with Ira being the way he is and all.

- Jesus, Mom. - Wow.

If it makes you feel better, I go all kinds of ways.

- (GULPS) - What kind of ways?

Well, if you get me drunk enough,

I'll munch a box, piss on an animal.

- I got all kinds of tricks. - (PAINED GROANING)

Feels like my ass blew up!

Hey! There he is!

Nah, nah, come on. Give me the good stuff.

Give me the... No, no...

- (BLUBBERS LOUDLY) - Oh!

(BLUBBERS LOUDLY)

(SINGSONGS) Fuckin' mazel tov. Mazel tov. In your ass.

Oh, excuse me!

- I didn't... - Oh, fuck.

Sorry, I was just pretending to butt-fuck my friend.

I don't think we've been properly introduced.

I'm Patrick Hoolihan.

We've met, you idiot.

You wouldn't stop hitting on me at Doug and Eva's wedding.

Then you fell asleep and pissed yourself.

- Nice. Represent. - MARY : Yeah.

- Pat, why do you have a boner? - You JUST noticed that?

- Wait, what? I have a what? - MARY : It's nasty. Come on.

- Clean it up. - Yep, I know.

- (SCREAMS) - No! Stop!

I'm just trying to get rid of it.

- Pat always gets boners. - PAT : Aargh! Damn! Hi-yah!

(CAR HORN TOOTS)

So, how was your first day?

Work? Oh. It... Oh, it was so fun.

Yeah, I mean, there was so many documents

and phone calls to make and receive

and you sit a lot.

Like, pretty much the whole day.

You know, so it's safe. You know, it's really safe.

Plus, there's a Harvey's close by, which is good.

Hey. I'm proud of you.

Of us.

We're doing this.

It's... it's a fuckin' lot and...

(CHUCKLES)..it's crazy, but we're doing it together.

- A team. - Yeah, we're a team.

Got each other's backs.

I know it's hard for you.

I mean, I know you miss it

and I miss it too.

I love watching you play,

but I love you

and the family we're gonna have more.

- (TOILET FLUSHES) - Ah! Christ. Droppin' loads.

Droppin' fuckin' hot meatball loads from my asshole.

Hey, Pat.

Just... I was just...

I'm having... I'm having some stomach issues today.

ANNOUNCER : Ladies and germs, welcome to

the Bruised and Battered Hockey Fighting Competition,

proudly banned in 11 states,

six provinces and one territory.

The hockey tournament for retired fourth-liners

with only one rule -

no hockey.

You know, I'll tell you,

'Hot Ice' would've been all over this shit.

Fuckin' kids these days

with their fuckin' YouTube

and fuckin' ISIS.

(SIGHS) I'll tell you what, I'm into new shit now,

but lately, Dougie, my new thing,

I'm all about going fuckin' door-to-door

selling fuckin' china dogs.

Look at this fuckin' thing, right?

You know, you fuckin'...

You put it some place, you put it another place,

people fuckin' look at it.

It does every... it does everything it needs to do.

Dope, right?

Dougie?

I keep going over it and over it in my head.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

He was unlike anybody I've ever fought before.

He was faster, meaner...

Thank God Eva wasn't watching when he beat me.

ANNOUNCER : And now, the main event of the evening,

fighting for the $400 grand prize

is reigning champ Ross 'The Boss'...

- Rhea. - ..Rhea!

(LAUGHS) Yep. You kicked the shit out of him.

He looks like 265 pounds of dog shit

stuffed into fuckin' ice skates,

but I'll tell you what, motherfucker can still bang.

(NECK CRACKS)

- Hey, Barnsie. - Boss man.

- How's the shoulder? - Fucked as usual.

Thanks for asking, though.

Alright, I'll make it quick for you.

- (BELL DINGS) - Fuck you.

- (CHUCKLES) - (SPECTATORS CHEER, WHISTLE)

MAN : Let's go, Barnsie!

- (PUNCH SMACKS) - Oh!

(BOTH GRUNT)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS)

- (BLOWS THUD) - SPECTATORS : Oh!

- You alright, Barnes? - Urgh! Go fuck yourself.

Jesus fucking Christ, it's a fucking crime scene.

(SPECTATORS APPLAUD)

WOMAN : I love you!

The Bruised and Battered competition

would like to thank you for your continued support,

but we are especially thankful...

...to the Dartmouth Wig Outlet.

You won't wig out at their prices.

MAN : Your fuckin' sister wears a wig!

(SPECTATOR JEERS INDISTINCTLY)

Alright,

I got some people I wanna thank too.

You fuckin' people.

- (SPECTATORS CHEER, WHISTLE) - Yeah.

That's right. I used to think I was done.

Maybe there... there is a time for everybody,

but when I step out on this ice,

and I see all you cheering me on,

I know my time ain't done yet.

Thank you very much.

MAN : You're the fuckin' man, Ross!

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Ross! Ross! Ross! Ross! Ross!

Ross! Ross! Ross! Ross! Ross! Ross!

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

- (THEME MUSIC) - I'm James Duthie.

And I'm Chad Bailey. You're watching Sports Desk.

Sports Desk - we're all pink on the inside.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Anyway, Halifax's woeful losing streak

extends to 12 straight losses

to start the year.

They've been in a rut

since their disastrous season-opening loss to Reading

which saw then-captain Doug Glatt hospitalised

following what would be a career-ending tilt

with Anders Cain.

Can the Highlanders find a way to turn things around?

HYRUM : I bought this team 'cause I win.

RONNIE : I know.

This lockout should be the best thing that ever happened,

but we're blowing it.

We are going after the biggest names

on this side of the Atlantic,

players you can build a team around,

starting with Anders.

- Wait. Your son? - Yeah.

He's been a fuckin' beast for Reading,

not to mention he almost single-handedly eviscerated us.

Why are you taking so much joy?

He pretty much ended Dougie's fucking hockey career.

I think Glatt's career was ending all by itself.

Well, we're never gonna know that now, are we?

No offence, Hyrum, OK,

but you and your son are not exactly Walter and Wayne.

That shit is behind us. You can believe he won't fuck this up.

He knows what's at stake.

We go all in for Anders, you're gonna make him captain,

and I'm gonna... I'm gonna keep his ass in line.

Hyrum, please. Captain? Let's talk about this.

- Ronnie. - Let's think about the A...

- Ronnie. - ..before we get to the C.

Ronnie, you're gonna coach my kid.

You're gonna build a team around him.

You're gonna make him captain

or I'm gonna find some other fuckin' guy who will.

- Fine. - Good.

Fine. Better than being on the dole.

('STRENGTH OF STRINGS' BY GENE CLARK)

- Hey. - Hey.

- Thanks for coming. - Thanks for inviting me.

- Welcome. What do you think? - I think it's...

I think it's all... you.

- As it should be, right? - As it should be.

- Great room. - Great room.

Can I get you a soda pop or...?

- Uh... - Sunflower seeds?

- Uh... Uh, yeah. Seeds are good. - Help yourself. Uh, sit down.

Sunflower seeds are for winners.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

- Son... - Sorry. (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

You're carrying the torch now.

- Yes, sir. - You're the one. (CLICKS TONGUE)

- Over to you. - Holding the torch.

Our name's on your back. Our family.

Our family, and, actually, um, Mom was asking if...

Our name is a currency in this town.

Absolutely.

I don't want you to fuck this up. Not this time.

This season's everything. The world is watching.

Maybe not the world.

I mean, Canada, probably, but...

And, like, three or four states.

Stand up.

- I'm giving you the C. - Yeah.

- You're gonna prove me right. - Yes, sir.

- You're gonna win. - Gonna win.

- Stay the fuck out of trouble. - Therapy worked this time.

- I don't wanna hear about that. - I won't talk about it.

- That's for your mom. - Yes, sir.

- That's shit for your mom. - Yes, sir.

Don't bring shit up like that.

MAN ON TV : You don't know nothing about good times.

Let me tell you about fuckin' good times.

I remember that summer like it was yesterday.

Good music, nice heat, great friends,

and one night me and my friends -

my great friends - went for hamburgers downtown.

That summer, we ruled the world.

We thought we was the kings.

Turns out we was the jokers.

MAN (2) ON TV : Look what the fucking cat dragged in!

Love this fuckin' guy.

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(EDGY ROCK MUSIC)

He has hair like a lion.

RONNIE : Bring it in! Bring it in!

OK, boys,

we kind of fucked up the start of this thing, eh?

So now, we got a few lads

who earn their wages up at the big show

down here with us wearing our jerseys.

- Jean Pierre Finch. - Yo.

We got, uh, Pet... Petr 'Petri Dish' Petrov.

- A lot of Ps. - (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

- What's he doing? - He's handing out candy.

- Candy? - (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

It's a Slovak tradition, maybe?

Better be.

Oh, my God.

- (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - OK. And Anders Cain.

OK. Super-duper.

OK, now that Dougie's retired, we need a new captain,

and I cannot think of a better leadership tandem

than Xavier LaFlamme with the A,

Anders Cain as captain.

- There you go. Alright. - (HOCKEY STICKS CLACK)

Alright.

This ice is shit. Fix it.

Perhaps the new captain

would like to say a few words to his team.

- You'll be alright, son. - Right. Right.

(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

Nothing else fucking matters if we don't win.

If they brought me here to win, my dad brought me here to win,

that's what we're gonna fuckin' do.

Anybody here like fuckin' sunflower seeds?

Well, this bar and sunflower seeds are fuckin' winners.

- Hey, hey... - Fuck, yeah!

- Great. That's good. Yeah. - Fucking right, Dad.

- Right? - Right.

I know many of you are veterans.

Many of you are old friends.

Many of you have never worn another sweater.

I'm here to tell you all of that gets you nothing.

(GRUNTS)

Produce, you will be rewarded. Don't, you'll be sent packing.

It's a buyers' market out there, so for most of you,

that's your fucking career gone.

('WEAPON' BY MATTHEW GOOD)

(PLAYERS CHEER)

You fucked up the first part of this season.

Find a way to be relevant!

Make yourself fucking relevant

- because from this point on... - Fuck!

...from where I'm fucking standing...

Ah, fuck!

...it's Darwin.

RONNIE : Come on, guys! I'm paying my rent here!

Real hockey, guys!

Hey! You! Look alive, man! Who the fuck is Darwin?

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC)

(CAT YOWLS, SCREECHES IN DISTANCE)

(LOUD CLATTERING NEARBY)

(MAN MOANS, LIQUID GUSHES)

REPORTER ON VIDEO : Anders, new team, new city.

Any message to the fans?

They brought me here to win.

REPORTER : Care to confirm or deny

the rumours of your captaincy?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

It's my team now.

REPORTER : Xavier LaFlamme declined to comment.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)

- (BONES CRUNCH) - Argh! (SIGHS)

- (BELL CHIMES) - Whoa.

- What's the bag for? - These are just documents.

This is a huge bag full of documents.

I'm going to the insurance festival.

Huh?

Well, I gotta go, Eva. It's real late. 'Bye.

What... the fuck?

(HINGES SQUEAK)

(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)

Hello, sir.

Holy shit on Mary's tits.

The fuck are you doing here?

I came here to see you.

I got injured. My right arm.

Yeah, I saw that.

Hard lad, is Anders Cain.

So, what are you doing with the hockey bag?

- I wanna be a Highlander again. - Oh, Jesus, kid.

- Will you train me? - Train you to what?

- Teach me to fight with my left. - (LAUGHS)

Teach me to skate better.

What the fuck do I know about skating, Doug?

You see what I do in there.

We can train another time if you're not able to right now.

There's a restaurant nearby that sells hot dogs.

We could just eat those instead.

Hot dogs?

Yeah, it's like a sausage sandwich.

I know what a fuckin' hot dog is.

It looks like a penis.

Jesus Christ.

Alright.

20 minutes. We go in there, get it out of your system.

- Then you go right home, eh? - Thank you, sir.

Oh, goddamn it. Not again!

- They better not have fuckin'... - (DOOR RATTLES)

- (LIGHTS POWER DOWN) - Aw, shit!

I left my fuckin' bus pass in there.

I need my fuckin' bus pass!

- What time is it? - 11:37.

Wait.

11:38.

- Did you just get home? - Yeah.

The insurance carnival was long.

Mm.

I was meeting all these people who do insurance.

It's really safe.

It's a real thing.

It doesn't sound like a real thing.

- Uh... It... - Mmm. You smell like hot dogs.

Thank you.

('DARE' BY VINCE DICOLA AND SCOTT SHELLY)

(CLOCK TICKS RAPIDLY)

(BELL TOLLS)

- (GRUNTS) - ROSS : That's it. Rotate.

Rotate. Alright, now give me that left across.

SONG : ♪ Sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered

♪ There's nowhere to turn

♪ You wonder how you'll keep going... ♪

RED : Halifax Highlanders and the Hamilton Steelers.

Now LaFlamme's just hammered in the corner.

He's run into and checked.

- Sorry. Take a second. - Tagged ya.

- Tagged ya again. - Sorry, bud.

Stop fuckin' saying sorry. I'm kickin' your ass, boy.

Now Dupere digs the puck out of the corner.

Moves into the back! He scores!

(SPECTATORS BOO AND JEER)

Whatever, man. I could have stopped that with your dick.

And it is a 3-0 lead

for Hamilton over Halifax.

- (COUGHS) - Uppercut.

♪ Dare

♪ Dare to keep all your dreams alive... ♪

(SIGHS)

♪ It's time to take a stand... ♪

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

The newest Highlander, Anders Cain, scores!

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

Brilliant individual effort

by Anders Cain.

Uh... uh... Keep it down, Dougie.

For fuck's sake, how many times do I have to tell you?

Just the left!

(BLOWS THUD)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Put some heat on it, boy.

There you go! That's the one I'm lookin' for.

Here's Anders Cain. He scores!

Anders Cain and... Uh-oh!

Just like that, down goes Davinsky!

Ah, Christ!

And he'll head straight to the penalty box.

Fuck you!

And now the... (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

- Score! - Fuck!

Ah. Damn it.

JAMES : Well past the midpoint of the season,

Cain and the Highlanders are their own worst enemies

as they remain in the play-off bubble.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

♪ Dare... ♪

Yeah! You're workin' your ass off, kid.

There's a ceiling on your skating,

and that left hand's never gonna be as strong as your right,

but trust me, it'll fuck somebody up.

Listen, Dougie, there's something you might wanna know.

The shitshow's movin'.

Next Bruised and Battered's gonna be at the MetroCentre.

You want to be a Highlander, that's your ticket.

There's your audition, boy.

Hyrum's gonna be watchin'.

You can show him and everyone else you're still fucking here.

What do you say?

JAMES : While they keep finding ways to win,

the Highlanders keep finding ways to lose too.

Many are blaming the hot-and-cold play

of Anders Cain,

who sits 31st in scoring

but leads the league in penalty minutes.

We've dropped 8 of the last 10.

We take penalties away, other teams change lines.

- I'm trying. - What do I say?

Don't fucking try. Fucking win.

Wake them the fuck up, alright?

Wake 'em the fuck up. Yes, sir.

Good.

Lead these guys.

That tie is too short, Chad.

Or I know exactly what the fuck I'm doing, James!

Sports Desk -

we know exactly what the fuck we're doing, James.

EVA : Oh, my gosh. Thank God.

It feels so good to be out of the house,

and I am so excited about this restaurant.

Me and the baby are gonna eat the shit out of some pad thai.

Oh, why are we taking the long way? It's not...

(MEN LAUGH)

Doug, do you want to go in and say a quick hello?

Well, I'll be honest, I already ate and I'm already drunk,

so the bar seems to make sense.

For fuck's sake!

Man, it feels like it was fuckin' yesterday

that I was working here,

bartender, boyfriend who played hockey.

Yep.

Now I'm pregnant and married to a guy who says we're a team,

but he's always gone and feels he has to hide the fact

that he eats hot dogs.

What the fuck happened? Are we these people now?

This is... this is who we are?

Oh, yeah, that's us. You and me, baby.

- No, me and... me and Doug are... - (SIGHS) I gotta take a piss.

- OK. - I still got my jacket on.

- (LAUGHS) - (CHUCKLES)

- Get me another beer. - Yep.

So, Dougie, how's that new job going?

Oh, it... it's so... fun.

Yeah, there's... there's all these documents, you know?

I get to bring a thermos to work,

which keeps my food hot and cold.

Sometimes I put hamburgers in there.

It's up to me.

The way we're playing, we're all gonna need a new job soon.

I suppose I could go back to Pentecostal summer camp

with my cousin's boyfriend.

I'm gonna have to move back with Mum.

And don't get me wrong, I love her to bits,

but that bedpan fills up fuckin' fast.

I don't want to work at my uncle's eel farm.

Mm-mm.

I don't know how to do anything else.

(SIGHS)

Ah, you know, it's just a slump, boys.

It shall pass.

Come on, get 'em in ya!

- (GLASSES CLINK) - Mmm.

All the drinks in this country taste like piss.

It taste like a Cossack shit in my mouth.

(SLURPS) Oh, that tastes like burps.

(CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC)

- Welcome home, kid. - Thanks.

Big night, eh? Everybody watchin'.

Don't worry. You'll be fine.

What poor bastard they got you matched up with tonight?

Didn't they tell you? Format's been changed.

Changed to what?

ANNOUNCER : Ladies and gentlemen,

the Bruised and Battered competition

is proud to bring you tonight's special event -

10 fighters, one rink, one fight

in our first-ever battle royale!

- Fuck him up! - Are you ready?

(SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

- Are you ready? - Really bad idea.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

- (EXHALES SHARPLY) - (YELLS)

- (YELLS) - (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez! Oh, jeez!

- Aarrgh! - Jesus Christ on a bike.

- (BOTH GRUNT) - Fuck you, Glatt.

(BLOWS SQUELCH)

- What are we doing here? - I don't know.

- I went to fuckin' Princeton. - (BLOWS THUD)

You look like Super Mario.

Hey, Andrew. (GRUNTS)

My fuck, can he still bang.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, big guy.

What are you, like, fuckin' 15 years old?

(GRUNTS)

(YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Ross! Ross! Ross! Ross! Ross!

Let him go. Let me go. Let me go. I'm the ref.

Let me go!

Fuck it.

- (BLOW SQUELCHES) - (GRUNTS)

- (PANTS) - (HIGH-PITCHED WHINE ECHOES)

(SPITS)

MAN : You're one tough motherfucker, Dougie!

(SPECTATORS CHEER, APPLAUD)

- Hey, kid. - Hi, sir.

- You alright? - (LAUGHS)

Yeah. I've been better.

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

ROSS : Ah, fuck.

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Let's not reinvent the wheel here, eh?

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

Hey, wait. I got you, buddy.

- (GRUNTS) - Maybe we should leave.

- (SPECTATORS BOO AND JEER) - I got you.

(SPECTATORS BOO AND JEER)

(SOLEMN MUSIC)

Well, that was a fuckin' shitshow, eh?

Not exactly playing hockey, is it?

Thanks, kid. You had my back out there.

I owe you.

(COUGHS, SPITS)

Maybe I should take you to the doctor.

What for?

So he can tell me I got post-concussion syndrome?

One more bad hit and you're done?

It's not fuckin' soccer, Dougie.

I've been hearing that shit for a decade now.

That doesn't sound very good.

You looked mean out there, kiddo.

Young Anders better watch his ass.

(CHUCKLES)

Lead these guys! Lead these guys!

What would a leader do? What would a fuckin' leader do?

Alright! Alright! Listen up!

Captain speaking! Captain time!

Off your fuckin' phone, LaFlamme.

- Get off! - (WHISPERS) Turn it off.

You turn the puck over in the neutral zone one more time

and I'll teach you a fucking lesson you'll never forget.

- Got it? - What the fuck you just say?

And you KHL garbage bullshit,

Ukrainian fuck Hockey League Chernobyl disaster fucks!

You turn that fuckin' puck over one more time

and I'll fuckin' kill both of you!

- And you! - Yeah?

Fuck, I don't even know. Fuck you! Fuck you!

Hey!

Be nice.

What?

Be nice.

- (GRUNTS) - (WHIMPERS)

Whoo! Whoo! Fuck, yeah!

That's what I'm talking about! Sports!

You miss fucking Doug Glatt?

You think he gives two fuckin' shits about you guys?

I care! I fucking care! We're gonna do this together!

Highlanders on three! One, two, three! Highlanders!

- My line starts! - (LAUGHS)

See? He gets it! He fuckin' gets it!

He smiles, he fuckin' gets it.

Fuck! No! No more fucking candy!

- (KISSES) - What the fuck?!

- Holy shit! - (LAUGHS)

(ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC)

- RED : Highlanders lead Newark... - Come on!

...1-0, thanks to a goal by Anders Cain.

Anders Cain wants it badly. Shoves his own teammate aside.

Now the captain awaits.

Cain takes a good look up the ice.

- Down the other end... - Oh, no, he's not...

...is LaFlamme hovering in the neutral zone.

Cain now works it up. LaFlamme well ahead.

- BOTH : No! - (GRUNTS)

A suicide pass! LaFlamme is decked by Balacco.

- Fuck! - Fuckin' cunt.

Down on the ice is LaFlamme. He's spitting blood.

Here's Cain and Stevenson going at the goal.

- (PLAYERS GRUNT) - Anders Cain...

What are you doing?!

...levels both the Newark goalie and Stevenson.

- Fuck me. - (GRUNTS)

Now Cain draws a crowd.

Cain decks one, decks two,

and Cain stood up to the world.

Your kid finally got suspended, OK?

- He's destroying this team. - What's that?

- You heard me, you little shit. - Tread lightly, Ron.

Hyrum, did you not see the same fuckin' hockey game

that I saw last night?

- Did you see that game? - Yeah. I did. I saw compete.

It was misdirected, but I saw compete.

The dressing room's in the shitter.

It's tighter than a nun's cunt in there. There's no chatter.

The boys feel like they're on the chopping block.

They need someone to pull them together,

and time after time after time,

he's proven he's not the fuckin' guy.

Oh, what, so it's my fault the fucking amateur hour...

Anders.

What about Doug?

- Doug. Doug? - Maybe I was wrong about him.

I saw him at the shitshow the other night.

- He looked mean. - What, really?

- Yeah. - We thought he was done.

Yeah, 'cause I fuckin' made him done.

Alright, alright,

well, then maybe we bring him back to practice, eh?

- GORD : Give him a shot. - See if he's got what it takes.

But we saw what he did to him,

so what's that dressing room gonna look like

with him and Glatt in it?

- I think we should find out. - Fuck me!

Fuck you then, 'cause we're doing it.

('MINSTREL GYPSY' BY KIM BERLY)

♪ Baby, it's nice to have you here right now

♪ Baby, it's nice to feel you near... ♪

Oh, my lordy! It's Doug!

Jesus, Stevie, you fell in the garbage!

- I'm OK. (CHUCKLES) - Welcome back, Dougie!

- Welcome home, Dougie! - Welcome home, Doug.

Thanks, bud.

- MAN : Now we're talking! - MAN 2 : Fuckin' right.

OK, boys...

...this is a big day.

First off, we're gonna welcome back Dougie.

We're gonna see if he's fit enough to play, alright?

(PLAYERS CHEER)

Thank you, guys.

I'm so happy to be back here and have a chance to...

...be back here?

That's good.

OK, I'm so fuckin' excited to tell you this.

Favourite part of the practice for me.

- Puke time. Suicides. - Let's give her!

- Lace 'em up! Lace 'em up! - Man of iron.

- Jew of iron. - Sorry I smell like garbage.

- See you out there. - So glad to see you, man.

I totally thought you were transitioning.

You're not home.

Your fuckin' jersey, you idiot. You're not home.

You shouldn't have come back, Doug.

You shouldn't have come back.

They gave you my C.

I think you gave me your C, bud.

Captain doesn't cheap shot, doesn't try to end careers.

You think you're a hockey player.

That's fuckin' funny. (CHUCKLES)

(MENACING MUSIC)

See, Doug, I just do whatever my team needs me to do.

- See you out there, bud. - (GRUNTS SOFTLY)

You look good. Your face looks better.

OK, lads, some of youse have a little rust.

We're gonna work some of that rust off right fuckin' now, OK?

We're gonna play some shutdown hockey.

Let's keep it clean, fellas.

You're all on the same team here.

- OK? - (DOOR OPENS)

(ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC)

- Jesus fuckin' Christ. - Don't mind me.

- We won't. Let's go! - (PLAYERS SPEAK INDISTINCTLY)

(GRUNTS)

Move your feet, boy! Move your feet!

- (RONNIE SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) - Move it!

Keep your head up! Keep your head up!

- Oh! - Goddamn it! Fucking shit...

- Come on! - Eh?

- (GRUNTS) - Nice, Dougie.

- Good job! - Come on! Help me out!

- Yeah! - (PLAYERS CHEER)

- Yeah! - The old boys are lookin' good.

Fuck!

- Nice, Dougie! - Whoo!

- Fuck! - Next goal wins.

Fuck 'next goal wins'. What is this, street hockey?

- Car! - Let's get 'em, Anders! Hustle!

Let's go! Let's go!

- (GRUNTS) - Anders, work!

- They're making you look bad! - Game on!

Mum's got hot chocolate at our place after.

Loser brings an orange ball from Canadian Tire!

'Next goal wins' is a thing.

That's... that's not just road hockey.

That's... that's... That is a thing.

Whoo!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Come on. You gonna fucking turtle on me?

- Hey! - Come on, Dougie. Round two.

Puck's at your feet! Play to the whistle!

- Come on, Dougie. Come on. - Dougie, here!

- Move the puck! - What the fuck?

- Yes! - (PLAYERS CHEER)

There you go! Next goal wins it, right?

- Fuck! - Jesus Christ, man.

Hey, Hyrum, what kind of marshmallows do you like?

- Go fuck yourself. - Boys, bring it in.

Better. Good hustle, eh?

Good hustle. Heart. That's what it takes to win.

You guys are getting first shift tonight.

Belchy, you nut, don't wander.

- You're startin'. - Fuckin' right, coach.

- It's Canadian fuckin' hockey. - OK.

Dougie, welcome back, son.

- (HOCKEY STICKS CLACK) - Welcome back.

- Come on. - Good stuff, boys!

(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.)

Doug, where were you?

- They called our names to go in. - I'm sorry, Eva.

I'll explain when I'm less sweaty.

Hey, Triceratops! That's my favourite dinosaur.

Remember how I keep saying that work is fun

and there's all these documents?

Well, that's, like, only half true,

because it's not fun at all.

I just don't think that the insurance bug

has truly laid its eggs inside of me.

OK.

So, I mean, who said you had to sell insurance?

I never told you that.

And I only got you those bloody business cards

because I was trying to be cute or some shit.

The Highlanders still need me.

But we're supposed to be doing this together, like a team.

Neither of us are just making decisions for ourselves anymore.

A lot of shit affects both of us.

(OBSTETRICIAN CLEARS THROAT)

(FOETAL HEARTBEAT GURGLES)

Look at her. Look at what we did.

Yeah.

She looks like a beautiful tiny mushroom person.

She's so cool.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Just...

It was different watching you beat the piss out of guys

before I actually knew you.

I mean, I fuckin' loved it, obviously.

Part of what made me dig you in the first place.

But the fucking very moment I fell in love with you,

it got scary.

Now you're my husband and we've got...

- This is big shit, Doug. - I know it is.

I love you, and if you want to do something,

then I'm with you...

...but I can't be scared shitless every time you go out there.

So, what I mean is,

if you want to be a Highlander again,

then go and be a Highlander again.

I'll support you,

but you have to do one thing for me.

I would do anything for you, Eva.

Don't fight.

What?

I've seen you make hits and kill penalties

and block shots with your face.

I'm trying, but you gotta meet me halfway and...

...and not fight.

You're more than that.

- OK. - Thank you, Doug.

Thank you, Eva.

(SIGHS) Come on, you can't quit on me now.

What about all our adventures?

Remember that one time I thought you had a watch?

God, you're just gonna throw that away?

I'm sorry, Bob Forbes.

I don't know anything about documents.

What, do you think I do?

God, somebody gives me a document

and I go, "Mmm, err," give it to another guy.

That's how insurance works!

Goddamn it!

(SIGHS)

Well, can't say I'm not sad to see you go,

but if you change your mind, just know you always got a spot

here in the storage shed, Dennis.

He's... he's staying? No, he's going. Shit.

Argh!

Always driving away the ones you love.

Yeah, that ought to hold.

Jesus Christ.

(GRUNTS)

('HEY HEY GUY' BY KEN LASZLO)

(MESSAGE ALERT CHIMES)

- Hey. How's your arm? - Good, thank you.

How's your arm?

Listen, um, everybody's rusty their first game.

It's OK, OK?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

What the fuck? Belchy.

Belchy!

We are very much happy you are playing again.

This is our gift to you.

Sandwich.

This is you upon receipt of sandwich.

- Smiley? - Mm-hmm.

Happy cartoon, huh?

Fuckin' A, man. That feels fuckin' right.

We needed this, man.

You two fuckin' buffoons

are standing there with your giant dicks.

I mean, that's a fuckin' sturgeon, man.

- Jesus Christ! - (GASPS)

I always think you're gonna fuckin' prank me or whatever,

or you're gonna say your shit about my fuckin' mom, which...

No, no, no, no, no. We respect your mother now.

She's becoming very open-minded.

Yeah, man. Alright. She's been working on that.

Big cream pie, pearl fucking necklace...

Golden showers, double penetration.

- Uh-huh! - Double penetration.

No butt, just vagina.

- Two penis, one hole. - Yes.

Warm, worm kisses deep inside your mother.

- Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! - (BOTH GRUNT)

The fuck is that? Warm worm? Fuck you two, man!

You understand, we are brothers.

We power-fuck your mother.

You know, I'm an idiot for fucking even trusting you

for a second, you Ruskie fuckin' pricks!

The best revenge is living well.

I'm not stooping to your fuckin' level.

- The mayonnaise is semen. - (SPITS) What?

- Semen. - You know, ejaculate.

JAMES : Doug Glatt is a Highlander once more.

With just a quarter of the season left,

Hyrum Cain seems to be trying a hail Mary move

by bringing back a man known for his fists

and, frankly, not much else.

No.

Considering this will be Glatt's first hockey game

since being knocked out by his now teammate,

the currently suspended Anders Cain,

this should make for an interesting locker room dynamic

and even more awkward Cain family Boxing Day.

I mean, that household is a fucking disaster.

- Just read the prompter, man. - No.

I say what I want, James, because I got a pair of balls,

not two pieces of pussy.

How long is this gonna happen for?

For as long as it takes.

Sports Desk - we'll take as long as it takes.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

Sports Desk - fuck, yeah.

- Alright. OK. - Ha!

- Fuck it. - Off the belly. In the ear!

- EVA : Alright, no. - RED : Doug 'The Thug' Glatt.

Doug with that big dick.

- Too much? - It's not...

...the Halifax faithful hoping 'The Thug' can do his part

to get them back to the play-offs.

So, the St John's Shamrocks.

The Shamrocks breaking out of their own zone.

- Here's the pass up the wing. - (IMPACT THUDS)

Oh, baby!

Doug Glatt's return

continues to electrify his crowd and his team.

St John's still with a man advantage.

LaFlamme getting up, getting ready to go,

Anders Cain, no help tonight as he has been suspended.

Five seconds to go on the St John's power play,

and somehow Halifax has been able

to keep this game tied at zero.

Now LaFlamme steps out on the ice.

Halifax with the heat on.

Carlson looking back,

takes the puck at the blue line.

Now Carlson, he's got a cannon! He winds it up.

(PUCK WHOOSHES)

Oh, everyone, check your asses for monkeys.

Xavier LaFlamme blocking a shot?

Now we go to Stevenson.

Stevenson moves down deep into the corner.

Oh, growing out a moustache, you little bitch, huh? Huh?

I'm so exhausted! Gatorade!

And now Glatt decides, "Well, I'm a little thirsty."

Sorry. Pardon. I'm super thirsty.

Meanwhile, Stevenson comes out of the corner.

- He scores! - (SPECTATORS CHEER)

- He took my fuckin' bottle... - Yeah!

Well, I suppose there's no rule

about drinking the opposing team's Gatorade,

but perhaps after tonight, there should be.

(LAUGHS) You stole his Gatorade, man!

He's so mad!

Highlanders win thanks to the unquenchable thirst

of a man they call 'The Thug'.

Good for you, kid.

Good for you.

Boys,

got a little heat going now, right?

So we're all gonna take that heat into Reading

and we're gonna burn their fuckin' flesh off

like fuckin' flamethrowers!

- Sir? - Yes?

OK, for the last time,

I'm gonna have to ask you to lower your voice, OK? Just...

Sweetie, take that for me, would you?

Uh, no, not in first class, so I don't take your... anything.

- Alrighty. Sit down? - Just have a seat there.

Yes, sir. That would be wonderful.

Thank you very much. And if you could just remain seated.

- (GROANING) - Oh for fuck's sake!

- (LIQUID TRICKLES) - (GRUNTS) Hey, Belchy!

Come see! This toilet looks just like your mother.

(GRUNTS) Only markedly less toilet-like.

(BOTH GROAN)

Oh, my God, you guys are... Get the fuck out of here, man.

- (BOTH LAUGH) - WOMAN : Disgusting.

(WHISPERS) Hey. I'm not done.

- What... - No.

(WHISPERS) She said no.

We're gonna skate in there

and we're gonna show those translucent Rust Belt weirdos

how we play hock...

I swear.

(WHISPERS) ..north of the border.

- (MUTED CHEERS) - (WHISPERS) Highlanders.

(SNAPS) Highlanders.

(ALL WHISPER) Highlanders. Highlanders.

OK, but that is still making us uncomfortable.

(ALL WHISPER) Highlanders. Highlanders. Highlanders.

- Highlanders. Highlanders. - Wow, it smells like dick.

(WHISPERS) Highlanders. Highlanders. Highlanders.

Stay in school.

(WHISPERS) Highlanders.

RED : Three minutes left in the third

and the Highlanders' hot streak is in danger of ending,

as they trail the Wolfdogs 3 to 2.

A win tonight would see them

just one spot outside play-offs contention.

All my uncles are dead!

Anders Cain looks in front, turns...

Oh, Waxman's... (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Cain scores! And it's tied 3-3.

Great goal by Anders Cain to keep the dream alive.

They're gonna be throwing everything at us now

but the kitchen sink.

LaFlamme, do what you did last game.

Stevesy, take his lead.

Yeah, yeah. Dougie, listen to me.

You watch their backs, keep your head in the fuckin' game.

Handle big man. You see him? Send him a message.

Wake him up, Doug. Go, go, go.

Don't go starting shit you can't finish.

Coach Ronnie Hortense had a few words for Doug Glatt

who hasn't fought since he came back two weeks ago,

and he goes straight toward Totan.

- You are bumping me. - Mount Totan.

- You're so enormous. - (SNARLS)

Oy vey!

Off the faceoff, the puck goes back into the Wolfdog zone.

Now it's sent off to centre ice, turned over by LaFlamme.

LaFlamme looks across, finds Stevenson.

Stevenson dumps it deep into the Wolfdog territory.

The puck goes around now to Totan.

MAN : Here we go!

Here comes Glatt right at Totan!

- (IMPACT SMACKS) - Oh, and he misses completely!

Fuck. Shit.

It looks like he's in pain on his right side.

(GRUNTS)

Starting the other way, the Reading Wolfdogs

with an opportunity for the go-ahead goal.

The puck is brought in across the blue line.

- He scores! - Fuck!

- Reading win! - Fuck!

And with just 10 games left in the season,

the Highlanders seem to have found a way

to rescue defeat from the jaws of victory.

Way to go, Dougie!

Come on, Doug.

BELCHIOR : I don't wanna hear it. Let's go. Let's fuckin' go.

Beth! Beth, get in the car.

You better not have drank milk today, you fuckin' lactose...

BELCHIOR : Come on!

- Did you watch the game? - Yeah.

(SIGHS)

You said it could be scary watching me out there.

Was it scary?

I mean, I don't like watching you get hurt,

so, yeah, a little.

- Ah! - Oh, God! Jesus!

- Are you OK? - Yeah.

M-Maybe you shouldn't watch the next one.

Yeah. Alright.

MATTHEW GOOD : ♪ Insane I wake up

♪ The oars I take up... ♪

(ENGINE STARTS)

RED : Halfway through the third,

the Highlanders are fighting for their post-season lives

on fan appreciation night.

- A shot blocked by LaFlamme. - Attaboy, Flammer!

What a contribution he's made.

Now LaFlamme sees Walters coming.

And Walters sucker-punched him, but he gets up.

- He appears to be alright. - Lift your fuckin' arm, ref!

McBain player Walters is sent to the penalty box.

And he is none too impressed.

- Fuck! - You OK?

Yeah, I'm alright. Thanks.

OK, now we're gonna take this fuckin' power play,

and we're gonna shove it up their fuckin' sphincters!

No K-Y.

And when we're done with that,

and that ugly piece of shit gets out of that fuckin' box,

we'll give 'em a piece of our mind, OK?

I can do that, sir. I can give 'em a piece of all our minds.

No, he fuckin' can't. His arm's all fucked up.

I'm fine. I can do this.

You can't fuckin' fight anybody.

Jesus Christ, boys. What... what's going on?

- (GRUNTS) - Not now, kiddo. Not now.

Anders Cain is coming right across...

- Yeah? You wanna go? - Yeah, come on.

Yeah, anytime, tough guy!

I'll fuckin' go right on

and knock your fuckin' teeth down your throat.

- Come on! - Yeah, bring it on!

I'll tear your fuckin' head off like a cured meat stick!

- RONNIE : Stevesy, you're up. - You're a fuckin' meat stick!

And now there's action over at the Highlander bench.

- And here comes Doug Glatt. - Glatt!

- Hortense calls him back. - Glatt!

- Get back here! - Uh-oh!

We may finally see 'The Thug' drop his gloves after all.

Anytime. Oh, you too?

What the fuck are you doing here?

- What are you doing here? - I'm here to...

And now both Glatt and Cain push and shove.

What the fuck do you mean, you're here?

- I'll fuck both you guys up! - It's mine!

Whoa! Fuck!

And down goes Cain with Glatt on top!

- What am I lookin' at? - Fuck!

- What the fuck is this?! - I don't know. I don't know.

I don't even wanna fight anymore. You killed the mood.

Dougie, why are you dry-humping Anders?

- Get off me! - I'm trying! I don't want this!

You're on the same fucking team, man!

Fuck, this is horrible! This is fucking horrible!

- It is! - Fuck!

It is.

I would like to remind fans that, should they still desire,

they can meet the Highlanders in person tonight

at the Corktown Pub for fan appreciation night.

(CROWD CHEERS AND CHANTS) Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

MAN : Anders, you fuckin' suck! We fuckin' hate you!

Anders, you piece of fuckin' shit!

(WHISPERS) I know it. I fucking know it.

What the fuck is wrong with you now?

You know it too.

- I beat the shit... - Take it easy.

- ...out of Doug Glatt. - Take it easy.

You fucking take it easy! I fucking destroyed him!

- Calm down. - Get your fucking hands off me!

- Hey! - HYRUM : Anders...

I beat you.

Don't look at them, you dumb fuck.

- Look at me. - Anders!

I am here now. Me. Right fucking in front of you!

- (GRUNTS) - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Attaboy, Doug. - Doug...

- (ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER) - That's enough!

- That's it. Come on. - (PANTS)

- I'm fine. I'm fucking fine! - Good. Chill out, man.

- OK? Just breathe. - (GLASS SHATTERS)

(ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER)

- That's enough! - Come on, Doug!

- God! - Anders, it's over. It's over.

Get out. Walk him out.

(SINISTER MUSIC)

JAMES : Early reports coming in of a bar brawl tonight

at a popular Halifax Highlanders hang-out,

allegedly involving the Highlanders themselves

in what could be just another example

of violence dogging the team.

This coming just weeks after

controversial hockey fighting competition

Bruised and Battered held its most recent event

at the Highlanders' home barn, the Halifax MetroCentre.

With two must-win games left to play

and Cain and Glatt each serving suspensions,

one can't help but wonder

if GM Hyrum Cain has any more tricks up his sleeve.

EVA : You broke your promise.

I'm scared.

I never felt that before.

He's wearing my C.

Are you fucking kidding me? That's the best you can do?

I gave up stuff I like doing too.

It's different. You've never had a team.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe... maybe I never did.

I can still do what I'm supposed to do. I can still fight.

EVA : I guess that's the fucking problem.

Eva...

And yet the worst part is

you're making me into this fuckin' naggy housewife.

Do you think I wanna be fucking worrying about you?

You think I want to be giving you shit?

I don't. This isn't who I am.

Eva, please. Where are you going?

I'm not going anywhere.

I eat this soup.

Yes, I know. That's why I...

(SIGHS)

I just need some time, Doug.

(SIGHS)

ANDERS : Dad, I'm fuckin' sorry, OK?

I'm sorry. I fuck... I-I fucked up.

Fuck.

I wanna win. I wanna...

HYRUM : Your contract's been terminated.

Uh... I'm sorry. What?

You're on a flight at 10:00pm tonight.

No?

(SNIFFS)

What are you doing?

Get the fuck out of my face.

- You wanna swing at me? - You wanna swing at me?

(HAND SLAPS)

You're a fucking pussy.

(SNORTS, SPITS)

('LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT' BY LUSH)

I-I'm just saying,

you're pissed at Doug because he's a hockey player

and he wants to play hockey.

He was fucking bare-knuckle prize-fighting too. Jesus!

- Whose side are you on? - (SNIFFS)

We both agreed to do this and we both gave shit up.

That's what growing up is.

I-I had shit that I liked doing too.

(SNORTS) Jägerbombs?

Look, I know you sacrificed things.

I mean, you have a fucking baby growing in your belly. I get it.

I just... I think that Doug's team is more than just hockey,

you know?

More than a team, even.

JAMES : Highlanders GM Hyrum Cain

confirming that Anders Cain

has been released from his contract.

Let this be a lesson to everyone out there.

Your father will break your heart,

and then he'll shove it down your fuckin' throat,

pull it out your ass, put it right back in your chest.

JAMES : No word on whether Hyrum Cain plans to replace Anders

as the Highlanders round out their season with must-win games

at home against the Lovell Kings

and Anders' old team, the Reading Wolfdogs.

('FLY AT NIGHT' BY CHILLIWACK)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Stevesy, Legs, Geno, you know what you need to do.

Eat up minutes. Grind the shit out of them.

Make them fuck up.

Tonight, we need to play fucking hard.

- Right, boys? - Yeah.

- Alright, boys?! - Yeah!

Let's fucking do this.

ROSS : So, you pussies playing hockey or what?

Wow.

(BELL TOLLS)

I messed up, Pat.

You know, I really like living with you in the motel,

but I just kind of wanna go home now.

Yeah, no, I-I get that. It's, uh... (SNIFFS)

It's definitely not the Ritz,

but so long as Sherilynn owns it, it's a bed and it's free,

thanks to that deal I cut with her.

What kind of deal?

Fucking the shit out of her constantly.

Your cousin Sherilynn?

I don't think I'm the only dude she's fuckin',

but then she's not the only dude I'm fuckin'.

(PHONE RINGS)

Eva? Hello?

EVA ON PHONE : Uh, hey. Doug, um...

Eva, hello! It's me, Doug Glatt.

Uh, Doug, where are you?

DOUG ON PHONE: I'm sorry I broke my promise.

I shouldn't have done that, because we're a team.

I'm so in love with you.

We're gonna have a family, and I swear...

Uh, Doug, my water broke.

It's OK. I can just buy you another one at the gas station.

No, no! My water broke!

The baby, uh... The baby's coming.

What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? Now? Wait. What? What?

Mary's at the store... at the store, so I'm all alone.

No, you're not. Like the baby, I'm also coming now.

OK. OK.

- (TYRES SCREECH) - Holy fucking cunt balls!

- It's happening! - Keep your eyes on the road.

Oh, yeah. So sorry. So sorry. So sorry.

But, Eva, I just gotta tell you,

you, my dear, are gonna look fucking radiant

during childbirth.

I am so sorry.

From now on, whatever we do, we do as a team, OK?

You know, there's just this natural beauty

that comes from such a violent act -

the blood and the fucking pussy ripping open.

Yeah, I'm gonna be the best husband

and the best father I can be.

I'll just say it - to me, no woman,

no fuckin' woman is more beautiful

than when she's giving birth.

Could we, uh... Guys, that's great.

Could we have no talking for a bit?

Yeah. Of course. Whatever you need.

- Hey! Goddamn it! - (HORN TOOTS)

What the fuck? What, is everyone in this city Chinese?

RED : Oh, no! Down goes Stevenson!

Jesus Christ!

Come on! This is not how we kill a fucking penalty!

Come on, Stevesy! You're good, you're good.

LaFlamme, come on. Come on. Good, get out.

- Watch the point! - Sit down.

Rest that fuckin' ass. Where the fuck is he?

Hortense keeps looking over toward the dressing room.

DOUG : Breathe, Eva, breathe.

- OK? - EVA : OK.

Deep, slow breaths. Breathe, Eva. Breathe.

(PUNCHES THUD)

(ROSS GRUNTS, ROARS)

RED : Lovell and Halifax,

now LaFlamme goes after the puck in the corner.

He takes it in behind the... Here it comes!

Oh! It's... Oh! And down goes LaFlamme.

Now Owens is bumped by... Ross Rhea?

- Nice hit, eh? - Better late than never.

Ross Rhea is back!

(EVA PANTS, GASPS)

DOCTOR : One last big push. Can you do that for me, Eva?

RED : He's back as a Highlander!

You know, son, generally, it's polite to ask.

Go watch some curling and get a fucking dye job, you old man.

- Fuck you. - (GRUNTS)

- Come on, Eva. - DOCTOR : That's it. OK, Eva.

- DOCTOR : Home stretch. - (SCREAMS)

RED : Ross Rhea fires that patented right...

(GROANS)

(BABY CRIES)

(GRUNTS)

- RED : We thought he was done! - Old man, eh?

And he's back in style.

('CAN'T SLEEP' BY THE ADAM BROWN)

♪ I can't sleep tonight I can't sleep tonight. ♪

(BABIES CRY IN DISTANCE)

- (PAT PASSES WIND) - Pat...

- Hey, hey, hey! - (GASPS)

Yeah!

(PLAYERS MURMUR)

Nice shot, man.

Let me know if you're not gonna keep it, OK?

- Yeah, we're gonna keep it. - Let me know.

Fuckin' weirdo.

Everyone OK in there?

Everybody's great.

Welcome to the Highlanders.

Looks like I'm not done after all, eh?

Mazel tov, kiddo.

Hey!

A dick explodes, a baby is made and a father is born.

I love you.

All these kisses.

- I will love your baby. - Thank you so much.

That's so nice.

I'm a great babysitter, so I... Not that you...

Oh, OK. (CHUCKLES)

You have my back.

You have since we met,

and you need to know I'll always have yours.

Something for the baby.

It's official. It's official.

- MAN : Go, Dougie. - MAN 2 : You go, Dougie.

- (MEN CHEER) - I love you, buddy.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

- Way to go, Dougie! - Good boy!

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

...Doug.

- (KISSES) - Thank you.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

(WHISPERS) I don't know who he is.

I love you, Eva.

Mm. I love you too, Doug.

Mm. (GIGGLES)

Damn!

I'm high as fuckin' balls.

Just big ol' balls.

PS, fuckin' pushing a baby out your vagina blows hard.

I know.

But you were here.

I needed you and you were here.

It's the same shit, Doug.

It's the same shit that brought you here

is the shit that needs you to be out there.

They need you too.

Highlanders need you.

Doug, you need to be out there.

JAMES : This is it. The last game of the season.

The Highlanders need one more win

after their gutsy 2-1 victory over Lovell.

CHAD : And now, tonight,

their entire season hangs on this one last game,

which should be a doozy

as it marks Cain's return to the Halifax MetroCentre

in his first game back since re-signing with the Wolfdogs.

REPORTER : Any message for your former teammates?

Watch your back.

- Cain's gonna be out there. - PARK : Fuck Cain.

The shape your shoulder's in, you tweak it,

you throw one heavy punch with that right,

that's your career fucked for good.

I need to protect my team.

We're having a very busy night here.

Xavier, you've been whatever this team has needed you to be.

You've worked, you've bled.

(CLEARS THROAT) I, uh...

I unstitched it from Cain's jersey.

It's yours now. You've earned it.

(PLAYERS CHEER, APPLAUD)

RONNIE : Flammer, Flammer, come on.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

I learned the difference between a moment and a career

is evolution.

Evolution.

You will slow down.

You will get old.

Your body will fail you.

So you evolve.

You change your game.

You do what you need to do with the time you got.

If not, you go extinct.

Evolve or go extinct.

- Are you ready to go extinct? - No, I am not.

- No fuckin' way. - Are you fucking extinct?

- No! - No, absolutely not.

Well, I'm still here.

I'm not ready to go fucking extinct.

- The Highlanders are still here! - Yeah, we are.

The fucking Highlanders are here!

(PLAYERS CHEER)

(ALL CHANT) Highlanders! Highlanders!

Highlanders! Highlanders!

- Highlanders! Highlanders! - (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Highlanders! Highlanders! Highlanders!

- Alright, boys? - (CHANTING CONTINUES)

Let's do this! Come on!

RED : This is it, folks.

It's do or die for the Highlanders tonight.

Their entire season comes down to this one game.

It's that simple.

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

- Fuck 'em up! - Come on!

Which one do you want? I got the big one.

Ah, fuck it. I want both of 'em.

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

It's open season on all your fucking boys tonight, Doug.

- I don't have to fight you. - Yeah, you do.

RED : So it's a must-win for the Halifax Highlanders.

There's no tomorrow if they don't.

Guys, listen, I got some changes here.

Flammer, Dougie, Rhea, off the hop,

Legs and Geno on the back end.

OK, boys, let's go. Game faces, focus.

They're gonna try and taunt us. Don't look for shit.

Now Doug Glatt comes out to take the opening faceoff

alongside Ross Rhea, former combatants.

Hey, big fella. You like Kim Mitchell?

That's what I thought.

- Alright. We're fuckin' going. - (WHISTLE TOOTS)

- Alright, here we go. - What the fuck did I just say?

Coach said don't look for shit. That's shit.

I bet you don't like Rush either, you fuckin' big Litvak.

He's looking for shit. Goddamn it, laid 'em right out.

Jesus Christ, what are they feeding ya?

A lot of fuckin' pierogis, eh?

Easy, big fella. Alright. Here we go.

- (SPECTATORS CHEER) - (BOTH GRUNT)

- (BLOW SQUELCHES) - (GRUNTS)

RED : Well, folks, big girls may not cry...

How about that, eh?

...but big men from Eastern Europe apparently bleed a lot.

Fuckin' right! I can do this all night, boys.

You're gonna leave this building in an ambulance.

Sorry, Point Break. You say something?

- Rosser, Rosser, nah, nah. - Come on, boy.

- You can come play. - It's over. Go to the box.

No? Alright. You sure?

Oh! No. He doesn't wanna fucking play.

- Let's go. - (GRUNTS)

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

RED : So at the faceoff, the puck is dropped.

It goes back to Anders Cain.

The former captain of the Halifax Highlanders

bounces off a check, moves up the right wing

moves right in on goal, trying to bang it by Belchior.

Runs into Ahmed. They count the goal. Should it count?

- Where's the fucking whistle?! - Where the fuck's the whistle?

Cheap fucking goal.

So, the Highlanders down 1-0 in the second period,

a game they have to win.

And here comes LaFlamme, dancing up the centre ice.

LaFlamme makes a move,

dipsy-doodle, heads toward the front of the net.

Flips it back. Yakovlena. He scores!

- (SPECTATORS CHEER) - Yes!

- (SOFTLY) Yes. Yes. Yes. - Evgeni Yakovlena...

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

ANNOUNCER :..scored by number 6, Evgeni Yakovlena.

RED : So it's 1-1 in the second period.

Here once again is LaFlamme... (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Oh! Was he hammered!

- GORD : Horseshit! - RONNIE : Fucking bullshit!

- Put me in right fucking now. - You've done enough for tonight.

- Fucking asshole. - We'll get him.

- That's fucking bullshit. - He's a fucking lunatic!

(GRUNTS)

Now the puck finds its way to Glatt.

- They're normally strangers. - Dougie!

- (GRUNTS) - Holy cow!

- Jesus. - Thanks, X!

- Did you see that?! - That's Captain A.

It was LaFlamme who ran into and decked Cain!

Flammer's loaded for bear.

Here comes LaFlamme, makes a move around the defender,

moves right in on the goal.

Magic hands. Great save by Nicholai.

Watch Flammer's back. Do what you gotta do, but keep it clean.

Six minutes left in the third period.

Halifax and Reading still tied at a goal apiece.

- Take ice away! Come on! - Here's Anders Cain.

- Cain gets it over to Totan. - Get on the puck!

Totan looks back, returns it to Cain.

(SPECTATORS BOO AND JEER)

What is this you're doing? Make shoot!

Cain seems to be in the midst of

some sort of psycho-athletic fugue state.

Fuckin' make shoot!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

- (SPECTATORS EXCLAIM) - Mother of God!

- Holy snappin' arseholes. - What the fuck's he doing?

- Right off his rocker. - What's he fuckin' doing?

What the fuck?

Cain seems to have actually fired the puck

into his father's loge accommodations.

- (WHISTLE TOOTS) - You gonna call that or what?

Now Anders Cain takes a shot at LaFlamme.

- Come on! - LaFlamme punches back at Cain.

Ross Rhea steps in. Cain gives a right.

What the fuck was that?

ROSS : I'm gonna teach you some fuckin' manners, son.

He has gone absolutely bonkers in this game here tonight.

Now he goes to the penalty box. So does Ross Rhea.

WOMAN : Fuck you, Cain!

ANNOUNCER OVER P.A.: Halifax number three, Ross Rhea,

Reading number 13, Anders Cain.

- Getting tired? - Dude, I'm always tired.

'Cause you're an old piece of shit.

You got me there.

This old piece of shit's gonna take your fuckin' head off.

Rhea! Get your ass back to the bench!

RONNIE : We're gonna kill this thing.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Good luck, kid.

The two combatants step back out on the ice...

Where are you going? What are you doing?

...and immediately Rhea begins to chase Cain.

Rhea!

The puck is still in Reading territory.

Now it's knocked back to the blue line.

Here's a shot on goal. A save is made.

Puck goes into the corner. Rhea goes in after it.

- Anders, no. - And going after Rhea is Cain.

- (IMPACT THUDS) - No!

I told you you'd end up in a fucking ambulance.

- You fucking piece of shit! - Get the fuck out of here, Cain.

Rhea is down. He's bloodied.

He may well be unconscious.

- (PLAYERS YELL) - Motherfucker!

Let's get the board out. Let's get him on the stretcher.

They're bringing out the stretcher.

Rhea is down, folks. He's bleeding.

This doesn't look good.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Hm.

- Doug. - Shit.

OK, up, back down. OK.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Doug 'The Thug' Glatt is entering the fray.

He's making a beeline for Anders Cain.

This could only mean one thing.

I thought you didn't need to fight me, Doug.

ROSS : Lay him the fuck out, kid.

(SOFTLY) Doug...

This is for someone else.

(BLOW SQUELCHES)

(GRUNTS)

(BLOWS THUD)

(BOTH GRUNT)

Cain and Glatt going at each other one after the other.

- One, two, three. - (SCREAMS)

- Oh, he hammers Glatt. - (SPECTATORS GROAN)

- Fuck. - Blood spews.

- (GRUNTS) - Oh!

And these guys are being left to their own devices.

(BOTH GRUNT)

- Yes! - These men are wild.

They're crazy. There's blood everywhere.

Attaboy, Dougie.

I'm glad you came back, Doug! Come on!

(ROARS)

- (IMPACT CRUNCHES) - (SCREAMS)

- (BLOWS THUD) - (GRUNTS)

Oh, blood and gore all over the floor!

The linesmen are nowhere to be seen.

You can't blame them.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- (GRUNTS) - (SPECTATORS EXCLAIM)

(GASPS)

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

Do it. Do it, Doug.

Take his fucking head off!

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!

Do it.

- (GROANS WEAKLY) - No.

It's over.

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

It's never over.

We're gonna do this night after night...

...game after fucking game.

You hear me, Doug?

Game after fucking game!

- Look up there, Doug. - (HEARTBEAT REVERBERATES)

ANDERS : Look at 'em! This is it!

This is what they want us to do!

I do whatever my team needs me to do.

ANDERS : We're just gonna keep fucking bleeding out here...

Doug.

ANDERS :..over and over again

until they cart every fucking last one of us

off the fucking ice!

- Doug! - Dougie!

(BONES CRACK)

(DISTORTED GROANING)

- (BONES CRUNCH) - (GROANS)

(GROANS)

Jesus, Dougie. Are you OK?

Not really, but thanks for askin'.

Right there. Right there.

(HIGH-PITCHED WHINE ECHOES)

Anders, can you hear me? Hey, hey.

- (COUGHS, GASPS) - It's OK.

I fucking...

...hate this sport.

- (WHEEZES) - Oh, righto.

(LAUGHS)

One, two, three.

- (BONES CRACK) - (CRIES OUT)

- Don't hate me, here. - I don't hate you, Parky.

- I could never hate you. - (SPECTATORS CHEER)

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Highlanders! Highlanders! Highlanders!

RED : There's only seconds left and nothing is settled.

As LaFlamme moves through the neutral zone,

gets in across the line,

he's got Stevenson on his flank.

(HEROIC MUSIC)

(SPECTATORS CHANT) Highlanders! Highlanders!

Highlanders! Highlanders!

LaFlamme's now moving in toward Totan.

Five seconds left.

Stevenson is there...

- (DISTORTED GROAN) - LaFlamme moving in...

STEVENSON : Excalibur!

(WARPING LOW TONES)

(SPECTATORS CHEER)

Stevenson scores! They did it! The Highlanders win!

The Highlanders win!

For just the second time in 10 years,

the Halifax Highlanders are going to the play-offs!

('ACT 3, SCENE 2' FROM 'TURANDOT' BY PUCCINI)

(ALL CHEER)

'Bye, guys.

(TRIUMPHANT OPERATIC CRESCENDO)

('YOU HELD THE WORLD IN YOUR ARMS' BY IDLEWILD)

♪ Every face... ♪

(CLEARS THROAT) That's when the hand jobs start.

Oh, no, I was wrong.

They're starting early today. No lube or nothin'.

DOUG : Give it to him, Johnny! Masturbate that penis!

(ALL LAUGH)

This is the weirdest fucking job ever.

- (ALL GROAN) - Sorry about that.

- It had to happen once. - You good?

Wow, it smells like dick.

Oh, God, it smells so much like piss.

- (ALL LAUGH) - I had no response to that.

Well, if you give me enough booze,

I'll munch a box or two.

- I mean... - (ALL LAUGH)

- (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. - Only two?

A couple. (LAUGHS)

- Let's try that one more time. - What is the line?

Highlanders! Highlanders!

- Highland... - (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Alright, shut the fuck up.

(ALL LAUGH)

What did you do, man?

You had a jack-off selfie on my grandmother's grave,

you fuckin' inbred Slavic fuckin' potato vampire!

I'm telling you, man, knowing you and playing with you

is like being force-fed fucking junkie piss!

And you two!

You're like fucking Mother Russia's herpes, man!

The bitch shipped them to Canada

and fuckin' made me deal with 'em!

- Belchy! - (SLATE CLACKS)

He gets it! I love candy!

What? Yeah, I'll take a fucking candy! I love fucking candy!

He fucking gets it! Fuck! No! No more fucking candies!

Sports Desk - we've got slogans.

Sports Desk - our slogan IS a slogan.

You're watching Sports Desk.

Sports Desk - we're all pink on the inside.

(ALL LAUGH)

(BOTH SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER)

- Ow! Ugh! - Ow! Fuck! Ow!

I'm sorry, dude. That was really awkward.

(ALL LAUGH)

What the fuck are you wearing, dude?

It's supposed to make me look big.

Why do you shop in little girl section?

(ALL LAUGH)

You honestly look like you're on the fuckin' autobahn

straight to Gay Town, man.

On the blonde bus to Anal Town, hm?

You look like a little Nazi weightlifter.

(ALL LAUGH)

Power-lifting fucking dongs, man.

- Like... - (ALL LAUGH)

BOB : I guess they like him 'cause he's got smaller hands.

- Who wouldn't? - You know?

Feels like a female's hands,

but make no mistake, that is a man.

(ALL LAUGH)

I'm not stooping to your fuckin' level.

- The mayonnaise is semen. - (SPITS) What?

- Enjoy the cannoli. - This is so disrespectful, man.

And it better not have come out of that fuckin' sturgeon.

(ALL LAUGH)

Always driving away the ones you love.

(ALL LAUGH)

JAY : I love this movie!

(ORCHESTRAL ARRANGEMENT OF 'SCOTLAND THE BRAVE')

Hockey history is full of star players

and its backup enforcers.

- You know, you got Gretzky... - Mm.

...and McSorley.

Well, I don't know if I'm a Gretzky.

- Doug... - Thank you.

He took our fucking microphone.