Original subtitles

Ha, ha!

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Present corps!

[groans]

[jet engines roar, then explosions]

[machine gun fire and helicopter whirring]

Left flank!

[homing beacon trilling]

[sizzling]

Man, pot is fun! [laughs]

I'm so high

Oh, no

[Ruth] Carter?

You okay?

Oh, yeah. Don't worry about me, worry about these eggs.

They just made the ultimate sacrifice.

Oh. Here we go. Pickles. You know the tragic thing about pickles?

No matter how hard they try, they will never, ever--

-"Ever" ever? -"Ever" ever.

--be cucumbers again.

Innocence lost, but still goddamn delicious.

-I guess he's one of us now. -Yeah, he's really opened up.

Should we maybe close him a little?

No, he'll find his way.

He's on the classic hero's journey.

Shouldn't it be "Vlasic hero's journey"?

-Right? -Point, Travis.

I don't-- I don't get it.

Hey.

-Got a minute for me and Pete? -Sure.

-What you reading? -The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

You no longer spark joy.

Thank you for your service.

Yeah, I, uh-- I just wanted to remind you,

that the pot-ographer I hired is coming this afternoon.

Oh, yeah, that Jake Bone guy.

[laughs]

-What? -I'm sorry, I'm just in awe of him.

Oh, okay. So, anyways, yeah, Jake Bone's gonna come--

Explain to me again why we can't photograph our own weed.

Uh, we can, but he's the best.

I mean, no other pot-ographer has had

as many centerfolds in High Times as Jake Bone.

You have to stop, dude.

[chuckling] Sorry, he's like a hero to me.

Hey, you have to be careful meeting your heroes.

I remember the time I met Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

He grabbed my ass.

He told me in his country it was a sign of respect.

Okay, I'll go tell Olivia we can cut him a check.

Why do you have to go tell Olivia?

'Cause she cuts the checks.

How convenient.

You gave her the job.

Point, Travis. Two, love.

And she grabbed Tutu's ass first.

I swear I'm gonna get them together if it's one of the next things I ever do.

Oh.

-They already got together. -What?

Well, sort of. She was over a couple weeks ago.

She was?

Come here.

Did they, you know, do it?

They were going to, but it didn't work out.

Travis said it got weird.

What does that mean, weird?

That's a question I've been wrestling with my whole life. Heh.

I'll take it from here.

Why are you so into them getting together anyway?

Uh-- I don't know. I feel like they'd make a good couple.

Oh, of course.

I thought maybe you were subconsciously overcompensating

for being a frequently absentee mother by finding a younger proxy

to make him happy in the way you feel you didn't.

What do I know? I'm no psychometrist.

Hey. You keep that bullshit to yourself.

[coughing] Okay.

All right, and with that bud from Utah,

Fifty Tokes from Fifty States smoke tour is now complete.

[laughs]

Thanks to all 50 fans who contributed joints from their home states.

Plus the two who told us they got arrested for some interstate bullshit.

-[laughs] That shit's on you, dudes. -Mm-hm.

How many times we gotta tell you?

You have to pack that weed in freaking coffee, stupids.

Yeah, we would refer you to our webisode number 86:

Packing Your Weed in Freaking Coffee, Stupids!

Thanks to my niece, Rivke, for donating this weird circle map.

Yeah, we didn't know what the hell this was.

But then we came to the conclusion that it's a map of famous American holes.

There are even holes in the ocean.

Oh. Those aren't holes, those are underwater crop circles.

How are you not president yet, huh?

[chuckles] Yeah, I keep meaning to do that.

Yeah. God!

Anyway, that's it for us. We're done.

-Wait, wait, wait. -What?

Weren't we supposed to say something at the end?

I feel like we've been saying something this whole time.

Next election, I am writing you in. Shit!

We're done, dude.

-Man, all right. Oh, shit. -Bye.

-See you later. -See you.

We remembered!

[yells] We do! Oh, God!

You guys, we have gone pro.

That's right, Dank and Dabby are now officially sponsored

by Ruth's Alternative Caring!

[clears throat] So, come to Ruth's.

For all the finest in marijuana things.

Conveniently located off of a road.

Everything in that store will help you get high, guaranteed.

And that's-- That's different from other stores,

like Home Depot where only most things get you high.

Oh! Oh! But wait, Dank, there's more.

There is?

Actually, there's not.

I just realized this is for holding quarters.

Jesus, baby.

How high are you?

Travis, get in here. We need to talk.

-Now what are you reading? -The Purpose Driven Life.

-Why? -I have no idea.

So, listen.

I've been doing some intense soul-spelunking...

and I realized I was wrong to interfere with your personal life.

I mean, are you schtupping Olivia? Are you not schtupping Olivia?

You know? I could give a shit.

-What brought about the change of heart? -I was looking in the mirror and I said:

"Ruth, you don't have to find a younger proxy to make Travis happy

because you were an absentee mom during his formative years."

And you know what? I was right.

Okay, well... thanks.

-Hey, Travis? -Hmm?

When you see Olivia, tell her I'm done meddling.

She doesn't have to provide grandchildren.

I'm prepared to die... knowing you're the last of my line.

Cool, she'll be happy to hear that.

[slurping]

Mmm!

Pickle juice.

I'm either fucked up or pregnant.

Are you sure I'm not bothering you with this stuff?

Not at all. I just promised Travis I'd quit meddling in his life,

so, now I'm free to dick around in yours.

Perfect! Okay, okay.

So, last Friday, I'm at Disney World with my family.

Jim had taken the kids to the character buffet

so, I decided to hang back in the Tinker Bell suite

to finish vaping the last of my Cinderella OG.

Ooh! Disney princess.

In a glass vape pen. Ah!

I prepare!

Okay, so, I'm four puffs in on the balcony,

I'm watching the sun set over Space Mountain

when suddenly the door flies open

and Jim and the kids come running in screaming like there's no tomorrow.

Turns out, they had fried the chicken tenders in peanut oil.

Yum.

No. Anaphylactic shock.

-So, no "yum"? -No.

Brynn's face swells up like a Cabbage Patch Kid,

Connor's screaming 'cause we had to yank him off Snow White's lap,

and Jim's flailing around 'cause he forgot how to use an EpiPen,

even though I've showed you 20 fucking times, Jim.

So, now I have to be the responsible one,

and I am as high as a giraffe's nuts.

But I don't panic.

With perfect clarity, I administer the shot, I call 911,

I comfort Connor, I send my husband to the ice machine for a time-out.

And I do it all without thinking. It just felt so natural.

And suddenly, I remembered what you,

my rabbi-slash-shaman, told me the first time we met.

Maria, smoking cannabis isn't about withdrawing from your family.

It's about altering your perception of them,

so they're tolerable.

Any-- Anyway...

since then, I've been great.

Calm, cool, less resentful, more tolerant...

and like I was before I had kids!

Oh, Maria, I'm so happy for you.

Is there something I can do for you now?

No, I'm all good.

You sure?

Sounds like you and Jim might have a few issues.

Oh, I don't know. At the end of the day, he's my best friend. [chuckles]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Good news is she promised to stop interfering.

The bad news is she never keeps her promises.

Well, let's focus on the good news.

Yeah, I mean, we don't have to be in a relationship.

-Yeah, but we can choose to be. -Hmm.

It's something to think about.

Hey, I'm looking for Travis Feldman.

I'm Jake Bone.

[rock music playing]

I'm out of luck, out of love

Got a photograph picture of

Passion killer, you're too much

You're the only one I wanna touch

I see your face every time I dream

On every page, every magazine

So wild and free, so far from me

You're all I want, my fantasy

Oh!

Photograph

Photograph

I need more than your photograph

[laughs]

[Carter] White guy passes to a white guy over to the other white guy. He shoots,

it's blocked by another white guy.

That's right, there are nothing but white guys here.

What kind of sport is this?

-Hey, Carter. -Hey, Jenny.

I see you brought the foosball table up here.

Yes, I did.

Dragged it up a spiral staircase by yourself, huh?

If I can unassemble and reassemble an M4 in less than 30 seconds,

I can certainly do it with a foosball table.

Cool.

So, listen. Ruth's a little concerned about how much you're medicating--

Foosball is essentially soccer.

You would think there'd be some Brazilians or some Mexicans. Somebody brown.

There's nobody brown.

That's racist. This is racist.

Carter, what did you smoke today?

I think you pot veterans call it Trainwreck.

[laughs]

Makes sense. A high-energy sativa.

Classic drag-a-foosball-table-to-the-roof kind of strain.

Have you ever considered keeping a journal to monitor how much pot you're taking?

A journal? Like a diary?

Who am I, Travis?

[laughing]

No, no, it's just an easy way to keep track of some basic information.

See, here's mine.

Indica's blue, sativa's red.

Indica-dominant hybrid's aubergine.

Date, time of day, amount, et cetera.

What is this, a haiku? "Moonlight in autumn.

Dew on the chrysanthemums. I'm a bad daughter." Did you write this?

What, just because I'm Asian, you think I write haikus?

That's racist.

Man, I'm so high, she's paranoid.

Are you skipping class to do grass?

Did you know it's wack to do crack?

Are you a loser for being a drug user?

The answer...

is yes.

[speaking in foreign language]

Hi, kids.

I'm Tae Kwon Douglas for Intensity Plus Fight School,

and I'm here to offer you another path,

the right path...

[exhales]

the fight path.

[yells]

[yelling]

Here in my dojang, you'll learn how to kick drugs with your legs.

Looks like crack's been cracked.

My method is better than a meth OD.

[yells]

Oh...

Together, we can deal those dirty-dealing dealers

the Intensity Plus butt-kicking they deserve.

'Cause when it comes to pot pushers...

[yells]

I'm ruthless.

Don't believe me?

Look at these students that resemble some of mine.

Intensity Plus Fight School,

because if you wanna stay drugless...

come see Tae Kwon Douglas.

[yells]

Man, that dude needs to get laid.

Man, photographing marijuana seems like a dream job.

Then you dream small.

I just do this to support my true calling,

parasailing.

Oh, yeah. I've seen that. That looks so cool.

Those guys, like, jumping off cliffs with kites on their backs.

I mean, that's--

That's paragliding.

What's the difference?

Parasailing is you and the ocean, and a boat,

and a harness, and a canopy wing,

and Kyle the guy driving the boat,

and the people who on the shore are watching you,

and the knowledge that at any moment, you could plummet 30, 40 feet

into the water and it would hurt.

Paragliding is for pussies and quadriplegics.

You. What's your name again? Paul?

It was Pete, but I can change it.

I'm done with your nugs.

-I'm ready to shoot your plants. -All right, great.

Get ready, girls. This is your close-up.

Oh, you're one of those hippie freaks that talks to the plants.

Groovy.

They ever talk back?

No, but I like to think they can hear me.

What commune did you dig him out of?

The Humboldt County New Century Kibbutz and Doomsday Prep Station.

Go, Dung Beetles. [laughs]

Hey. How's it going in here?

One question.

Tonight, when you come over, am I gonna have to waste an hour

pretending to care about your hopes and dreams,

or are we just gonna get right to Jake Boning?

[rock music playing over stereo]

Stop!

Stop! Cancel the fantasy.

You started talking. Stop the bed.

Wait.

Stop the bed.

Stop-- [grunts]

[music stops]

[grunts]

Why am I having an '80s fantasy anyway?

I wasn't even born yet.

It should be like a Britney thing.

Aw... Damn it.

[water bubbling]

-Hi, I'm Ruth. -You sure are.

And I'm Pete.

Welcome to Strain O' the Day.

Today's strain is an in-house grow

originating in the Black Forest from Germany.

And it's called that.

There.

And out of respect for my tongue and Angela Merkel, I'm not saying it.

I will.

Erschreckendglckseligkeit OG is a German word

that means "frightening bliss OG."

And while there's no equivalent concept or cannabis in English,

once you smoke Erschreckendglckseligkeit OG,

you'll understand.

Those Germans, huh? They got a weed for everything.

Now, usually this is when we'd show you a close-up of our bud,

but why do that when we can wow you with a beautiful image

taken by the king of pot-ography, Jake Bone?

[Ruth] How about this?

That'd look swell in your Oberlin dorm room, right?

Wait. Hold on.

That's not my Erschreckendglckseligkeit OG.

It's not?

Well, it is, but...

it's been Photoshopped.

How can you tell?

Look at it. It's too... perfect.

These proportions are botanically impossible.

Real plants don't look like this.

I mean, look at those big fake tips.

You're fucking with me, right?

Jake Bone, if you're watching this, you need to know I am very upset.

So, consider yourself alerted to my feelings.

Uh, thanks for watching Strain O' the Day.

If you hear footsteps coming up behind you and they sound like size ten Birkenstocks,

they could be mine.

I walk very close to people.

-Until next time. I'm Ruth. -And I'm devastated.

Sophie. Maria, listen. [exhales]

I'm the room mom for the third-grade talent show,

and I know you wanted both of your twins to perform,

but, gosh, we only have one slot left.

[laughs] I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to make a choice, Sophie,

'cause the train is leaving the station.

Check it out.

I started a journal for you.

Here's what you smoked today.

You just need to fill in how much, how often,

and the name of the family member you think is most disappointed in you.

I'm confused. Are you doing this for me or for you?

Ha. What do you mean?

I mean... you're always around here playing doctor.

-I don't know what you're talking about. -Yes, you do. Jenny... what's going on?

[sighs] Screw it.

Everybody, can I have your attention?

I'm sure you've all been wondering, "What's up with Jenny?"

-Is it about that hat? -Gotta be.

It's not a big deal. It's just...

I'm supposed to be finishing my last semester of medical school,

but I dropped out.

And instead I'm working here

and getting high all the time, which my parents don't know about.

And when they find out, they're gonna kill me,

and then kill themselves.

So...

you did write that haiku. I knew I wasn't racist!

[in Australian accent] Sheilas, behold a lie.

A false image perpetuating unrealistic beauty standards.

You should know it's what's inside that matters.

THC, CBD, terpenes.

Real buds have stems.

Good day, mate.

[in normal voice] Really? What's so good about it?

Remember what I told you about meeting your heroes?

Yeah.

That's why I'm so careful when people meet me for the first time.

I mean, I know I'm human, but they don't.

Jake made fun of me for talking to the plants.

Do you think I'm crazy?

Not for that reason.

I'd be a little worried if you heard them talking back to you.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well, that's never happened.

You're a good soul, Pete.

And you're wiser than you know.

Thanks, Ruth.

-[plant 1] Pete. Pete. -[plant 2] Pete. Pete.

-[Plant 3] Pete! Pete! Pete! -[Plant 4] Pete! Pete!

-[plant 5] Pete! Pete! -[plant 6] Pete! Pete!

-[plant 7] Pete! -[plant 8] Pete! Pete!

[chuckling]

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