Original subtitles

Good morning, everybody.

Thanks for coming in early.

[all] Boo!

Yeah, fuck you, too.

My son, of whom I'm very proud,

wants to talk to you about his vision for the store.

[all] Boo!

All right, guys, settle down.

Carter, thank you for not booing.

You have to care to boo.

Goodbye.

Guys, this is the first of what I hope will be many staff meetings. I--

Many? What, are you fucking kidding me?

I'm sorry... continue.

Well, as you know, the cannabis industry is at a crossroads.

You're losing them.

Mr. Travis, are there gonna be bathroom breaks?

Yeah, I guess.

Okay, I get it. You don't wanna be here--

Thank you.

Oh, look who stayed.

What does that mean? You stayed, too.

Yeah, but I'm not trying to make butterscotch babies with this one.

[Doug] Where's Ruth?

I need to talk to her now!

[Carter] You will settle down, sir.

[Doug] Ruth! I know you're here!

[in Southern accent] If you'll excuse me, it appears I have a gentleman caller.

[opening theme playing]

I'm so high and so dry

I'm sailin' in the sky

Just blow some gage

Come around babe

Jack, I'm mellow

I'm so high and so dry

I'm way up in the sky

The world seems light

And I'm so right

Jack, I'm mellow

I'm going to put my nickel In a slot machine

And play my solid sender

I'm going to strut, peck and Suzie-Q

'Cause I'm on a bender

I'm so high and so dry

I'm sailin' in the sky

I got my roach around

And I can't come down

Jack, I'm mellow

What's going on?

I opened the door for business and he barged in in his jammies.

-It's called a gi. -I don't care what it's called,

you look like an asshole.

Carter, be nice.

Tae Kwon Doug is our next-door neighbor.

My name is Douglas.

I'm sorry.

Tae Kwon Douglas.

-Is this about me parking in your space? -I don't care about the space.

-I run here. -Oh.

You were a fat kid, weren't you?

I was a little chubby, yeah.

Look, I'm here on behalf

of all the other storeowners in the retail plaza.

It's called a strip mall.

See? And there we have it, don't we? To us, it's a retail plaza

where we make honest livings as martial arts instructors,

cold-pressed juicers, and ethnic hair-care providers.

But to you, no, it's just a strip mall where it's perfectly fine

-for your customers-- -They're patients.

Oh. [chuckles] I'm so sorry.

Your "patients" to take their "medicine" out

in our parking lot.

Can you do those air quotes again?

'Cause it's a perfect dick move.

[Doug chuckles]

You're a dick move! Okay.

Look... families are the backbone of our businesses here,

and when families come here and see people snarfing doobs, it's bad.

Do you understand that?

Look, Tae Kwon, I understand your position,

but it's established case law

that a storeowner is not liable for a customer's misuse of a product

in an adjacent parking lot.

And I would refer you to 2005's Los Angeles County v. Hector's Dildos.

That was where three men were caught in a parking lot repeatedly--

Spare me your dildos!

Look, I have come here to notify you

that, in concert with four other stores and two-thirds of our kiosks,

I have presented the landlord with a formal complaint.

Oh, no.

Not just a complaint?

A formal complaint?

Oh, this is it.

It's the big one.

Lamont, when I'm dead, keep the junkyard open.

I'm coming, Elizabeth.

I'm coming.

Thanks for stopping by.

We look forward to addressing your concerns.

Yeah, well... you all don't deserve this, but, uh...

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Okay.

[Ruth] All right, show's over.

Everybody back to work.

So, about your mom...

What the fuck?

I've discussed this with counselors and therapists.

-They always say the same thing. -What?

"Our time is up."

Well, I'd like her to stay out of our business.

Only one way to do that.

Give her butterscotch grandbabies.

That seems like a lot of effort. But then again...

she is the boss.

Oh, hey. Hey.

I don't take orders from my mom.

Especially when it comes to the women with whom I procreate.

"With whom I procreate."

-Proper grammar. Such a turn-on. -Mm-hm.

-That make you want me? -Yeah.

I mean, if it'll shut your mom up.

Actually, you know, it's, um...

-"shut up your mom." -[chuckles]

-Never split a phrasal verb. -Shut up.

-You free tonight? -I am now.

[narrator on TV] This is going to be the end of the road for so many of the salmon.

The grizzly is extremely hungry...

he hasn't tasted salmon in seven months, and they fight...

The longer the salmon takes on their journey upstream,

the weaker they become.

The bears hold the high ground.

The salmon makes high leaps to see where the bears are.

This mother bear has been waiting months for this moment.

Competition is fierce for these first salmon...

[announcer] Lay's.

You're gonna love this.

It's my favorite indica. Very relaxing.

[Jenny thinking] That's right, Jenny. You're totally relaxed.

Just keep telling yourself that.

Or better yet, tell your parents.

[in Mandarin] "Mom, Dad, good news!

I'm totally relaxed 'cause I dropped out of medical school to smoke and sell pot!"

[in Mandarin] Thank you, happy medicating!

Jenny!

Jenny.

Jennifer.

Janeefa. Ooh, I like that.

That sounds African.

Look at my man extrapolating, huh?

Baby, I could do your name, too.

Dabby. Daborah.

Dabisha.

Oh, not these fucksticks.

-Ruth! -Ruth!

R-U-T-H.

Are-You-T-H-seeing what I'm doing here?

-That's crazy. -He's the black Jamie Foxx.

That's very real.

-That's very real. -Hey.

-Hey. -Tongue my tongue.

[Ruth] No, no, no. Hey.

Put those back in your mouths.

-Ah, sorry, just-- -The two of us, when we're--

-When we're together-- All we need is-- -It's just like we're-- We--

-[Dabby] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! -[Dank] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

-Yeah! -Oh!

-Yeah! -Aah!

You know what we saying?

Sadly, I do.

Uh, look, I got a favor I gotta ask you.

Favor. Favequa. Favante.

[chuckles]

-Shut the fuck up. -[Dank] Okay.

Look, Dank, Dabby, you know, you're two of our best customers--

-I thought we were patients. -No, you're customers.

And I appreciate your business, but I just got a visit from Tae Kwon Doug,

and... you and your friends,

you're gonna have to stop smoking in the parking lot.

[both] Ah.

Sure thing.

Wink, wink. [chuckles]

Yeah.

Rip Van Winker.

[Dabby chuckles]

No, no, no. No, no, no.

This isn't a wink thing. Really...

don't do it.

Understood?

-Overstood. -Yeah. We're way behind you.

All right, let's see if we can try a different approach.

Uh, do you like stories?

-We love stories. -Yeah, they all right.

Good. All right.

Imagine you're a proud Italian-American...

and you've devoted your life to fighting against negative ethnic stereotypes,

but there are these two idiots who keep coming into your store

saying things like,

[in Italian accent] "Hey, bada-bing, I like spaghetti and the meatballs."

-Yeah. -"I got a fucking monkey on my shoulder."

[both laughing]

-Oh, yeah. -You--? You see where I'm going with this?

No.

You make our community look bad.

You're shondas for the goyim.

You're the morons people point to

when they say, "People who smoke pot are morons."

-Sorry, Ruth. -Yeah, Ruth.

We don't wanna be no shondas.

I know. I know you don't.

I know you don't. And I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Jenny... give them a free joint.

Bottom shelf.

-[Dabby] Thanks, Ruth. -[Dank] Yeah, thanks, Ruth.

-Here you go. -[Dank] Heh.

Thank you. Come on. Let's go spark that up in the parking lot.

All right.

Thank you, baby.

Hello and welcome to Strain O' the Day.

You know, for me,

one of the most exciting things about working in the cannabis space

is the opportunity it affords female entrepreneurs.

Which brings me to today's strain. Eve's Bush.

[Jenny] Eve's Bush is the only strain of marijuana

guaranteed to never have been touched by male hands.

From seed to pipe,

no creature with a Y chromosome has ever penetrated

the horticultural hymen of this bud.

I've known the women who run Eve's Bush Farm

for over 30 years,

and I can attest to the militancy and virulence of their lesbianism.

They hate men.

They just do.

Eve's Bush is the perfect choice,

whether you wanna reconnect with your inner goddess

or just scissor with your bestie.

Eve's Bush is available at 45 an eighth,

but we're offering a special 25 percent discount

for every marginalized group to which you belong.

So, if you're a disabled, transgender Latina, you smoke free.

Eve's Bush.

Put your mouth on it.

Hey, you gonna be at the apartment tonight?

Yeah, probably when I get home.

Okay, well, uh, just a heads-up, I may be having someone over.

A guest.

Olivia?

Why would you say Olivia?

Because you said "guess," so I did.

-No, I said "guest." -Oh.

Who's the guest?

-It's Olivia. -Oh, cool.

So, I guessed right.

I think you guys would be good together.

You sound like you've been talking to my mom.

Yeah, we talk about you all the time.

She's concerned you're not having enough sex.

Oh, God.

I am, too.

A young man like you should be having regular orgasms.

If not for you, for your prostate.

-Good to know. -And it's not just about the orgasms,

it's the emotional intimacy that can only come when genitals hold hands.

I'm gonna go, Pete.

All right.

-Hey, Travis? -Yeah?

Just remember...

when two people love each other... there are no wrong holes.

Thank you.

Welcome.

Thank you. Have a wonderful day.

[both laughing]

[announcer] Lay's.

Are you lights-on or lights-off?

Actually, Alexa, dim bedroom lights 50 percent.

[Alexa] Dim bedroom lights to 50 percent.

Oh, this is like a three-way.

Nobody here but me and you.

Jesus, Travis, you're going at her like that stuffed rabbit

you used to hump when you were 13.

I'll get it.

Whoa, look at those childbearing hips.

It's like a grandbaby superhighway.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the Ruth in Olivia's head.

Well, I'm the Ruth in Travis' head and I don't need your help.

What's your problem?

You just reminded her she might get pregnant.

Goodbye, lady boner.

-Don't you want her to get pregnant? -I do,

but they gotta think it was their idea.

Come on, Travis.

-Do it for Momma! Make me proud! -Come on, Olivia.

-Do this for me. - Travis! Travis! Travis!

Let's go all the way.

-Who's my great, big boy? -I wanna be your mother-in-law.

[singing "Hava Nagila"]

Sorry. I'm just a little...

Distracted?

-Yeah. -Yeah, me, too.

You wanna go get a ramen or something?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Great. Now they're gonna go get something called a "ramen."

They're Japanese noodles, you ignorant fuck.

We gonna do this thing?

Any time, any place.

We could just light up.

-Always a good idea. -Yeah.

[Alexa] I would like some as well.

[laughing]

[announcer] Lay's.

-YouTube! -YouTube!

I tube. We all tube for ice cream.

[both laugh]

Hi, I'm Dank.

And I'm Dabby,

and you're watching Dank and Dabby, the channel by stoners, for stoners--

And by stoners!

[Dabby laughs]

This is a very special episode.

Our long-time fans know

what we like to do on this show is smoke enormous amounts of marijuana.

Yeah. It's a deceptively simple premise and we got it copyrighted.

But today is different.

Social justice cannot wait for us to get high.

And I can't wait for us to get high either.

This nice woman is Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.

Owner of Ruth's Alternative Caring and an American hero.

A word that's overused and I use it constantly.

Yeah.

Ruth is like a real cool fourth-grade teacher

who cares about you and uses rap to teach you math.

Yeah.

And also sells you hella pot.

Yesterday, we found out that Ruth is getting man-hassled--

Massled.

-Yeah. -Boy...

how do you do that?

It's a gift and a curse, boo.

It's a gurse.

[both laughing]

Oh, my God.

Your-- Your shit, it's got levels, man.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like a-- It's like a cake.

Oh, yeah, a level cake!

-It's like a cake. -Oh, God.

Okay, okay, so, Ruth is getting massled...

by some judo dick who says we can't light up in the parking lot.

Um, hey, asshole, it's legal now.

Ever hear of a little something called the U.S.S. Constitution?

And it was written on hemp.

George Washington's quote-unquote "farm."

That motherfucker grew slaves.

Well, we love Ruth, and we want Ruth to love us back.

So, we made a very detailed plan.

And so... [clears throat]

Shit.

-It's okay. I got it, lover. -Okay.

Tomorrow night, weed enthusiasts of all races, religions

and streaming services

shall assemble at the parking lot outside of Ruth's Alternative Caring and--

...exercise our right to get high!

[all] Woo!

Where we want, when we want and how we want!

[reggae music playing over speakers]

Can I Tase a couple?

-No. -Please?

Just one white kid with dreadlocks?

-[Jenny] This is really badass. -[Carter] This is gonna get ugly.

If only someone we knew had a history of addressing large crowds of angry stoners.

Wait a minute, Ruth does.

[Ruth] Can I have your attention, everybody?

Can somebody please turn off the elevator reggae?

[music stops]

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.

Go get them, Ruth!

Maria? What are you doing here?

Hanging with my peeps!

Your peeps are your children.

Not tonight. They're at Mommy and Me with the nanny!

Okay, you and I are gonna talk later.

One-on-one, okay?

Privately.

As for the rest of you...

nobody loves marijuana more than me.

[all] Woo!

Ever since I was a young woman,

I've made it my mission to legalize marijuana.

For God's sake.

You don't have to yell "woo" every time I say "marijuana."

[all] Woo!

All right, fine. I won't anymore.

I will.

Marijuana!

[all] Woo!

Dabby, swear to God, I will punch you right in the tits.

Oh.

Please, everybody,

I really appreciate your support,

but the thing to do now is go home before the cops show up.

Too late!

The police are already on their way.

You brought this on yourself, Ruth.

You and all these degenerate Cheech and--

[groans] I'm blanking, the other one.

Uh, Doug, I'm trying to clear everybody out.

Okay? Just be cool.

I am cool.

You know why?

'Cause I don't take pot.

Pot... is lame.

[all gasp]

Rosita, there are juice boxes in Brynn's backpack.

You can insult me all you want...

-when you insult marijuana-- -[all] Woo!

Stop it!

--it gets personal.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

What are you gonna do about it?

Well, I guess there's nothing I can do about it.

Ha! I thought so.

I'm so high and so dry

[yelling]

I'm way up in the sky

Holy shit!

The world seems light And I'm so right

Jack, I'm mellow

I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine

And play my solid sender

I'm gonna scrunch, peck and Suzie-Q

'Cause I'm on a bender

I got my roach around

I can't come down

Jack, I'm mellow

[bodies thudding]

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