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(MEN STRUGGLING)

MAN: Look out!

(GUNSHOTS)

(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)

(ROARS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(WHIMPERING)

Hey! Trying to work here!

Perhaps you could work a little faster.

Perhaps if you hadn't tripped the damn alarm.

Pamela, we are out of time.

The police will be here soon.

Or worse...

Batman, I know, I know!

But it's like trying to find

a needle in a... Haystack.

Come on, come on...

(GROANS)

Bingo.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(DISTANT SIRENS)

WOMAN: Nothing was physically stolen.

Obviously.

There was no effort to minimize collateral.

This was about information.

There's no way Poison Ivy

could've accessed S.T.A.R. Labs' secure data.

Got it.

Here's the file they copied.

Looks like this is the only thing they cared about.

Oh, no.

Holland.

"Holland."

Why does that sound so familiar?

Be my guest.

BATMAN: Alec Holland was working on a bio-restorative formula

to turn deserts into forests.

(TYPING)

Until a saboteur's bomb destroyed that dream.

His body engulfed in the burning experimental compound,

Holland tried to douse the flames.

The chemicals reacted with the surrounding bayou.

His entire physiognomy changed.

Holland was transformed into...

- Swamp Thing. - That's it!

That's what attacked me.

Not quite.

BATMAN: This is Jason Woodrue,

aka the Floronic Man.

Terrific.

Poison Ivy teaming up with Jason Woodrue.

We're in for a ride.

I see two immediate objectives.

If you'll excuse us.

A, figure out what Ivy and Woodrue were up to...

And B, find out where the green team is hiding out.

I'll take A. I have a hunch I need to look into.

You take B.

Check previous addresses,

known associates.

Oh, crap.

Right.

We need Harley Quinn.

Last I heard, Harley went off the grid

after she got out on parole.

No one's heard a thing since.

Rumor is she's gone straight,

but also, just plain gone.

No one disappears without a trace.

Someone knows something.

Someone always does.

BATMAN: It's just a matter of shaking the right tree.

Hey, thanks again for helping us out

with that League of Assassins thing

in Nanda Parbat.

Oof. That Lady Shiva.

Wouldn't say no to a slice of that pie,

you know what I mean?

So, what can I do for you, Batman?

A lot going on today,

but I can spare a few minutes.

A man was abducted from his home two days ago.

Harold Goldblum.

Stupid hand.

Henderson!

How do you even know about that?

We've got a total media lockdown.

Let's just say I've got eyes and ears everywhere, Sarge.

Hacking the A.R.G.U.S. computer

is a federal crime, Batman.

Goldblum is a former professor of chemistry

at Metropolis University.

Spent 15 years

heading up GothCorp Chemicals' R&D division.

Most recently, he's been working for the NSA,

specializing in biological warfare.

He was their top mind in biology,

botany and toxicology.

I need to know what he was working on.

That'll be all, Henderson.

Right, Sarge.

Big fan.

I'm sorry, Batman, that's classified.

My hands are tied.

Strange that you would put it just that way.

Why?

A fringe hacker group recently accessed information

about key A.R.G.U.S. employees.

Some of them seem to be engaged in, shall we say...

Questionable nocturnal activities.

Are you blackmailing me?

I'm explaining that I can help stop a crime

in exchange for some information.

Fine.

But for the record, what Mistress Ilsa does for me

is considered therapy...

In some countries.

SARGE: It's an odd case.

No ransom demands, political requests, nothing.

He just vanished.

Whoever took the guy, they either killed him,

or they're keeping him alive

for reason or reasons unknown.

Any leads?

Nothing viable.

The investigation is at a dead end.

Goldblum's field of expertise

is man-made, pandemic terrorist attacks.

Anthrax, Ebola, flesh-eating bacteria, you know?

Yes, I do.

In fact, he's the world's leading expert on the subject.

Jesus, the stuff that guy knows.

I don't mean to be callous,

but a part of me hopes they just kill them.

No, sorry.

Uh-uh.

Nah, man.

Mmm, no.

Haven't seen her.

I would've liked to. (CHUCKLES)

Dame owes me three weeks' back rent!

If you find her, you tell her she can eat my...

She had...

The cutest smile.

Morty, that was your niece, Irene!

Always saying she looks like this Harley Quinn,

but I don't see it.

And an adorable tuchus.

Morty!

Hasn't been around.

Afraid not, my son.

Lo siento.

Can I have that picture?

It was at that deli

on 3rd Street.

Morty, that was two years ago...

In Miami!

I could go for a Reuben myself about now.

With extra kraut.

Hang on...

(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING)

Okay, we got one Power Girl jumbo combo,

one Black Canary

leg and thigh, with coleslaw.

HARLEY: Gonna lose that hand, pudding.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Anything else for you today, boys?

- Uh, no. - I'm good.

- Yeah, me, too. Totally good. - (MAN GROANING)

Crazy broad broke my freaking arm.

Hey Chet, this crazy broad

broke my freaking arm!

Got to be her...

(YAWNS)

Come on out. I know you're there.

I got good ears.

Your hearing gets mighty sharp in Arkham.

Things go bump in the night.

Hi, Harley.

Long time no see.

I'd like to keep it that way.

You're a hard girl to find.

Pretty clever, hiding in plain sight like that.

I have a few questions.

For example,

where can I find your BFF Poison Ivy?

We need your help.

- Ivy is... - Save it, honey.

I don't mix it up with the costume crowd anymore.

I turned over a new leaf, as it were.

Listen,

Ivy's fallen in with the wrong crowd.

She and Jason Woodrue are up to something,

and we have to stop them.

They're a lethal combo, Harley.

Lots of people could get hurt or killed.

Ivy could get hurt or killed.

Nuh-uh.

I am done with capes and tights and masks.

Just trying like hell to lead a normal life.

Really? Funny that you're not, say

using your psychiatric training

to make a decent living,

instead of dressing up in skimpy red and black

for a minimum wage, plus tips.

Pretty weird way to kick a habit.

You've got to be just itching to get back in the game.

Nice try, but you're on your own, Nightwig.

You haven't reported to your parole officer in months.

I should just drag your crazy ass

back to jail right now.

Oh, yeah?

- (GRUNTS) - Just freaking try,

you butt-wipe!

(GRUNTING)

(CLANGS)

Sorry, kiddo, but you're getting the payback

for every pinch, goose and butt-slap

I've gotten for the last three months.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Give up?

Just when things are getting interesting?

Fat chance!

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROANS)

(GASPS) Whip.

(EXCLAIMS)

Ready to call it a night, Harley?

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny, Chuckles?

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Some girls like Mace.

I prefer a little low-grain Joker venom.

Only useful thing I ever got from that ass-hat.

(NIGHTWING LAUGHING WILDLY)

Nighty-night, jerk.

(EXCLAIMS)

Don't know what you expect to find.

My best people have been over this place a dozen times.

No offense to your best people,

but they're not me.

What is it?

Oh, yay, a leaf.

Kind of like all of these.

No,

not like those.

It's a completely different phylum

from every other leaf in here.

Great, you're the world's greatest florist, too.

Look closely.

Have you ever seen a leaf like this?

Can't say that I have.

That's because it isn't from our planet.

Not even from our dimension.

Wait, you mean

Jason Woodrue?

That freak was here?

This is bad.

Your forensic people are bad.

This...

Is catastrophic.

Nightwing, this is Batman. Come in.

Nightwing?

Everything okay?

He should've reported in by now.

You want me to send out a search team?

They're the best that...

Well, they're pretty good.

Like I said,

eyes and ears everywhere.

Besides...

Nightwing can handle himself.

- (GROANS) - HARLEY: I know, I know, freaking stupid.

Bringing him back to my place.

But what was I supposed to do?

I couldn't just let him go.

He knows the secret location of my hidey-hole.

He'd blab to Batman for sure.

Could've just killed him, dumbass.

HARLEY: Nah, I'm not a criminal anymore.

Plus, he's kind of too cute to kill.

And anyway,

maybe I should help out.

Sounds like Ivy could be in some serious trouble...

Don't bother yelling for help.

This dump is condemned.

Nobody in the whole building but us, Nightwig.

"Wing."

Eh?

It's Nightwing.

Really?

Guess I was thinking of that goofy mullet

you used to have.

Yeesh. That was like a whole decade of bad-hair days.

Sticks and stones, lady.

I've taken trash talk from bigger criminals than you.

"Criminals"?

If you hadn't noticed, I went straight.

I'm a freaking waitress already.

Oh, golly, that's right, I stand corrected.

Check this out, smart guy.

My pile of rejection letters.

Evidently, the Mayo Clinic's got some dumb policy

of not hiring former costume super-villains.

Just like every other hospital in the world.

There are other jobs.

Oh, sure. I got a ton of offers.

"We got a very special role for you

"in Bad Girls After Dark."

And you got to love this one.

"A tasteful pictorial to be shot in Thailand

"for legal reasons."

You say I'm a criminal,

they say I'm a whore.

Well, I'm sick of other people telling me what I am!

Whatever.

Got to say,

you gave me a heck of a workout.

Got me all sweat-stinky.

(SNIFFS) Phew!

Definitely could use a shower.

I think better when I don't reek.

Still got to figure out what to do

about Nightwig over there.

Hmm, what to wear,

what to wear?

Sucker-punch Harley.

Arctic Harley.

Street-luge Harley.

Roller-babe Harley.

Steampunk Harley.

Goth-Lolita Harley.

Hey, Nightwig,

is it true you used to be Robin?

Hmph.

Ain't that a kick in the pants.

Little boy-wonder all grown up.

Okay, now...

Don't be getting any funny ideas.

Too late.

It's funny.

I always kind of thought you and Batman didn't like girls.

- Wait, what? - You know, that book

with the headlights and the eyeball-gouging,

I had to write a paper on it back in college.

Got a B-minus.

Look, Harley, I...

Pretty lonely these last few months,

if you know what I mean.

You don't meet a lot of likely prospects

at Superbabes.

I'm kind of choosy.

I'm not saying I don't want to,

'cause that could be nice.

All sorts of wrong, but nice.

Right now, I just really need to find Poison...

(SHUSHES)

Face it, sugar.

I got something you want,

and you sure as shooting got something I want.

So, be a good boy,

and maybe, maybe...

Mama will give you a cookie.

The things I do for Gotham.

I'm taking that as a yes.

(MOANS)

JASON: It's disgusting.

It's an abomination.

You think I like swapping spit

with this geezer every six hours?

If you've got a better way to keep him under our control,

I am all ears.

There's always torture.

I don't torture.

The seven-billion meat bags who infest this world

would probably consider our plans for them torture.

Or at least cruel and inhumane.

Our plans are for the improvement

of every organism on Earth.

The very definition of humane.

(SCOFFS) "Humane."

What an ironic word coined by a species

completely devoid of compassion

for any other life forms,

or each other, for that matter.

They all talk about climate change,

but have they actually changed anything?

Indeed, they have.

JASON: They've doubled their output of greenhouse gases,

increased the rate of deforestation,

ravaged the planet.

You said it yourself, Pamela,

and I quote,

"Humans simply will not give a crap

"unless we force them to."

Well,

once our virus is activated,

every single person on this planet

will have a vested interest...

In going green.

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(HARLEY LAUGHING)

NIGHTWING: Oh, God, no. Stop, stop!

HARLEY: You stop it! You're gonna make me pee!

(NIGHTWING CHUCKLING)

Hey, hey, hey.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT)

(BATMAN CLEARS THROAT)

Harley Quinn reporting for duty, sir.

I was...

I was just about to call you.

Meet you at the car.

(HUMMING)

Did you get what you needed?

Well, yeah...

Ivy's whereabouts, of course,

that's what you meant.

No, not yet.

Like you never made out with a super-villain.

So, here's how it's gonna work, dynamic duo.

Nobody knows Ivy like I know Ivy.

Now, I can help you find her,

but you're gonna let me talk some sense into her

before you come in, swinging.

And then, when this whole thing is over,

you're gonna put in a good word

for me with the parole board.

Tell them what a fine, upstanding citizen I am,

et cetera, et cetera.

Hmm...

No.

What the what? But, I mean...

Aren't you gonna... Don't you need...

I don't make deals with psychopaths.

Sociopath!

So-ci-o-path!

Jeez, why does everybody always get that wrong?

If you aren't willing to agree to my terms,

why should I help you?

You'll help us, or the rest of the world

will cease to exist.

As insane as you are,

you enjoy living.

How about just a little something

to sweeten the deal?

Spa day? Autographed picture for my little cousin?

He's real sick.

Okay, fine, whatever, you're the boss.

Wait, she's coming with us?

Is that really a good idea?

It's not my first choice.

But we can't afford to let her out of our sight.

She might tip off Ivy that we're on to her.

Yeah, dangerous loony over here.

Never know what she's gonna do.

Here, there's a little trick to it.

Hey! Watch the hands, Buster Brown.

Sorry, I was just...

Jeez, 20 minutes of naughty fun time

and they think they own you.

I wasn't, I was just trying to...

Look, maybe I'll call you sometime, okay?

Like when I'm out of batteries or something.

(ENGINE REVVING)

BATMAN: Based on Goldblum's area of expertise,

Woodrue and Ivy's ideological profiles

and the S.T.A.R. Labs break-in,

there's only one conclusion.

They're going to synthesize the formula

that created Swamp Thing,

convert it into a fast-spreading virus

and "save the world..."

By turning humanity into animal-plant hybrids.

What? Ew.

Look, don't get me wrong.

I ain't no racist.

I mean, some of my best friends are plant people.

Well, on the bright side,

at least they aren't actually killing anyone.

BATMAN: Perhaps not intentionally.

Here we go.

It's bad enough if they succeed

and we all live as plant people.

But that's not even the worst-case scenario.

If any part of their plan is off,

even a slight bit,

within weeks, days maybe...

We could be looking at the extinction of all life on the planet.

Jeebus.

But wait a minute.

Why do they need the Holland formula?

Why not just make the virus from themselves?

It's a shortcut.

Reverse engineering their own DNA could take years,

maybe decades.

Neither of them was ever fully human to begin with.

She's a natural mutation.

And he's an exile Dryad

from another dimension.

"Exile Dryad from..." You shitting me!

We've seen weirder things.

Harley, we just need you to help us find Ivy.

That's all. We'll handle the rest.

No problem. I know this guy.

One of Ivy's top henchmen,

probably still tight with him.

And he is... Oh my God!

Stop the car!

- No. - But it's him!

- Who? - That guy!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey you! Bobby Leibowitz!

Oh crap!

Harley. Wait!

(GRUNTING)

(HONKS)

(CARS HONKING)

- (HONKING) - (CRASH)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

(DISTANT HONKING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Lousy,

stinking,

stand me up for senior

- prom! - (GROANS)

BATMAN: That's enough.

Dumps me for that chick

with the big...

Sorry, she's off her meds. Won't happen again.

(MUFFLED PROTESTS)

But seriously dude,

sounds like you kind of had it coming.

...made my mother cry!

HARLEY: Was she worth it, douchebag?

Waited ten years to get that...

I was just...

But...

- He... - (TIRES SCREECH)

Pull a stupid stunt like that again,

and I'm dumping you off at the nearest police station.

Oh, big whoop.

"You're living under my roof.

"You play by my rules."

Is that it?

Newsflash, gruesome.

You ain't my dad!

This isn't a game, Harley.

I need you to stay focused on the job at hand.

Focus-schmocus.

You know, I'm starting to rethink this whole deal.

Here I am, helping you guys out,

pro bono, I might add,

and you got to go and get all mega control-freaky on me.

"Do this. Don't do that!

"Sit up straight. Brush after every meal.

"Don't bite your toenails.

"Keep your knees together when you're wearing a dress."

Harley! There are lives at stake.

Oh my God!

Yeah, yeah, the whole world's gonna plotz.

I get it. I get it.

You think I'm just

some dizzy airhead that don't know nothing.

Do you know what I am?

My punishment for dropping out of med school.

(IMITATES BUZZER) Wrong.

I'm the answer to all your prayers, pally.

Take the Donnenfeld Expressway to Bludhaven.

Come on. Trust me this time.

Okay, you really wanna stop the car this time.

Those Hawkgirl spicy wings I had at Superbabes

are doing a tango in my tummy.

Seriously. I'm dying back here.

Fine.

(FARTS)

Ugh!

- Holy... - It's not so bad.

Smells like discipline.

(FARTS)

Oh man!

Batman, I'm begging you.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(HARLEY HUMMING)

I'll give you ten bucks

if you floor it and don't look back.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I know. It looks like a total dump.

But trust me... It is a total dump.

Howsomever, all the cool hench-people hang out here.

Bet you dollars to donuts, Shrubbie's inside.

Guy just loves to dance.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I have nightmares like this.

Not sure just how welcome we are here.

Oh relax. You'll fit right in.

Try to look a little less stick-up-your-assy.

Don't pull your love out on me, baby

If you do, then I think that maybe I'll just lay me down

Cry for a hundred years

Don't pull your love out on me, honey

Take my heart, my soul, my money

But don't leave me here drowning in my tears

You say you're gonna leave

Gonna take that big white bird

Gonna fly right out of here

Without a single word

But you know you'll break my heart

When I watch you close that door

'Cause I know I won't see you anymore

But don't pull your love out on me, baby...

Oh look! I was right!

There's Shrubbie.

Hey, Shrubbie!

Be right back.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Long time, no see, Shrubbie.

Haven't I been good to you?

What about that brand new ring?

Doesn't that mean love to you?

Doesn't that mean anything?

If I threw away my pride

And I got down on my knees

Would you make me beg you pretty please?

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Still got the moves, Shrubbie.

Milk for the gentleman.

(LAUGHING)

There's so much I wanna do

I've got love enough for two

But I'll never use it girl if I don't have you

Don't pull your love out on me, baby

If you do, then I think that maybe I'll just lay me down

Cry for a hundred years

Don't pull your love out on me, honey

Take my heart, my soul, my money

But don't leave me to drown...

I got to do something for Shrubbie

or there's no deal.

(APPLAUSE)

(CLICKS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm in the phone booth, it's the one across the hall

If you don't answer, I'll just ring it off the wall

I know he's there, but I just had to call

Don't leave me

Hanging on the telephone

Don't leave me

Hanging on the telephone

I heard your mother now she's going out the door

Did she go to work or just go to the store

All those things she said, I told you to ignore

Hey buddy, watch this.

Oh why can't we talk again

Oh man. Don't do it.

Oh why can't we talk again

Oh why can't we talk again

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

It's good to hear your voice,

You know it's been so long

If I don't get your calls

Then everything goes wrong

I want to tell you something

You've known all along

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

(CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLS)

Wait.

I had to interrupt and stop this conversation

Your voice across the line gives me a strange sensation

I'd like to talk when I can show you my affection

Oh I can't control myself

Oh I can't control myself

Oh I can't control myself

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

Hang up and run to me

Whoa! Hang up and run to me

Whoa! Hang up and run to me

Whoa! Hang up and run to me

Whoa oh oh oh

Run to me

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Happy?

Thanks a heap, Shrub.

I got it. Let's go.

You put a lot of bodies in the slammer, Bat fink.

Only way you getting out of here

is in a black plastic bag with a zipper up the front.

- A body bag. - He knows what it is!

Okay, boys.

Let's dance!

- (CRASHING) - (EXCLAIMING)

See? That was fun, right?

(DEVICE RINGING)

Go ahead, Watch Tower.

Hey Bat, this is Booster.

Got your emergency alert.

Hey the thing is, most of our heavy hitters

are out near Rigel

trying to stop a rogue comet or black hole or something.

And a bunch of them are at

that christening at Aquaman's place

and you know the reception down there kind of sucks.

I only got a handful of guys here on standby.

I could send...

Uh, let's see.

Black Condor.

The Elongated Man.

Triumph.

Bloodwind.

Or I could just come down

myself, give you guys a hand.

Not much going on up here and

the Foosball table is still busted.

That's all right, Booster.

Thanks anyway. We'll make do.

You sure? 'Cause it's no problem.

One of these can totally cover for me.

Sorry, Booster.

Going under some high-tension wires.

That sounds like paper.

(SIGHS) Over and out.

That was too close.

HARLEY: We got any of them fries left?

(SQUEAKING)

You're just going to feel a bit of

pressure here, little fellow.

Everything's going to be just fine.

JASON: It's working.

He's stable!

(GASPS) Oh!

Look how beautiful you are!

Come to Momma, cutie pie.

It works.

It works!

This is no ordinary leafy mouse,

but a harbinger of the new age.

The dead grinding factories of man

will be replaced by cathedrals of mighty redwoods.

A verdant green life-covered Earth

- will burst for... - (GASPS)

Eww!

Subject response, negative.

Why isn't it working?

He's faking. He's not even trying!

Your persuasion kiss has worn off!

He's still under my control.

Harold, tell us what went wrong.

This is an incredibly complex azeotrope.

The virus conversion of the formula works

perfectly on paper.

There are literally millions of variables

that could be corrupting the process.

Take a guess, meat bag!

Well, guessing is hardly scientific

but I suspect it may have something

to do with the fact that we've been using

plain old swamp water from

nearby Slaughter Swamp for our experiments.

No, what we need

is the precise bio-nutrients and chemicals

from the water at the exact place

where the Swamp Thing was created.

The Ween Right Swamp in Louisiana.

Oh for God's sake. What a pain in the ass!

No Pamela, no.

It's perfect! Don't you see?

The lagoon feeds directly into the Gulf of Mexico.

Where the Gulf's stream currents will

carry the virus into the greater Atlantic.

And then, the world!

Mother Earth's salvation.

Ground zero!

- (GLASS SHATTERS) - (GASPS)

I said it last time. Your turn.

It's over, Ivy.

Harley?

Hiya Red.

You're with them?

Oh, Harl!

Come on, Pammy, what are you doing?

You're really gonna change us all into plants?

You know I don't look good in green.

I'm sorry, Harley, but there's no other way.

Humankind have had their chance.

And you've had yours!

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(SIZZLING)

Oh, gross!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(CRASH)

(GRUNTS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(GROANS)

(FLAMES ROARING)

(SCREAMS)

Jason, the work!

Whoa, what's happening?

He's waking up. I need to keep him hypnotized.

Hmm... No.

(EXCLAIMS)

Occam's Razor.

Red!

You can leave me here, Pammy.

You know my skin. I burn easy.

That idiot meat skate betrayed you, Pamela.

She's your worst enemy.

Leave her to her fate!

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS)

(FLAMES CRACKLING)

(CRASH)

(EXPLOSION)

Nightwing?

Nightwing?

NIGHTWING: (GRUNTS) Over here!

(STRAINING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You okay?

My ears are gonna be ringing for a week.

But no broken bones.

Ow!

I think.

Where's Harley?

(SIGHS)

- (SHUSHING) - (WHIMPERING)

It's okay. You're gonna be okay.

Just hang in there, Doc.

Look, here's Batman.

He'll fix you right up. Sure he will.

Don't pull it out.

Lift his head up.

(GURGLING)

(WEAKLY) Louisiana!

Don't try to talk.

- It's okay. - No.

(COUGHS)

Must...

They need swamp water.

Complete...

(COUGHING)

...process.

We're losing him.

(SIGHS)

It's okay, Doc.

You did good. You did real good.

HARLEY: We'll take it from here.

Hey Doc.

When you get to heaven,

you should look up my bubbe.

Fran Quinzel.

She's super nice.

I think you two would really hit it off.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

(CARS HONKING)

It was wrong.

We shouldn't have left them there, not in the flames.

- What if she... - Died?

Good.

She's on the wrong side of this, Ivy.

Don't tell me you are getting cold feet.

No, I just...

Never mind.

Safe to say we are thoroughly screwed.

They're bound to have all the airports and train stations

covered by now.

And I can maybe disguise myself

and squeak through the cordon,

but you? (SCOFFS)

Well, it was a nice dream while it last...

Is that a yam?

A very special yam, yes.

With certain unique properties.

I removed half a dozen of these tubers

from Swamp Thing's corpse a few years ago

while he was temporarily deceased.

This is my last one.

I've been saving it for just such an occasion.

Not hungry.

Eat.

It's frozen.

Eat!

(CRUNCHING)

More!

Ugh!

It tastes awful.

Whoa!

Take my hand.

What the...

Relax.

(ECHOING) Concentrate on our destination.

Become one with the green.

With the green!

Silly me, I almost forgot.

(DISTANT SIRENS)

Oh, man, I'm beat.

How are you doing, Nightwig?

(SIGHS)

Oh, right, Nightwing, sorry.

It's like that thing when you can't remember

if it's suppose to be "their"

with E-I-R, or "they're" with Y-apostrophe-R-E?

You know, you got a 50-50 chance to getting it right

but somehow you always pick the wrong...

Anyhow... Sorry.

Forget it.

Yeah?

So, we're good?

Sure.

The police are setting up roadblocks.

Covering the airports, bus terminals, train stations.

Sarge Steel is calling in the FBI and the National Guard.

- What about us? - We're headed to Louisiana...

Fast.

(TURBINES WHIRRING)

The GPS coordinates for the Holland lab are locked in.

Saddle up.

Thanks for your help.

Hey! Now wait just a goddamn minute.

That's it? You got what you wanted

and now you just gonna dump me?

Like Nightwing over here?

Captain Kirk'ing me for info and then...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) "See you later, toots"?

Hey, you were the one who...

And I never...

You need me, Batman!

Uh-huh. That's right.

You need me!

You saw how tough Plant Guy is.

Tossing you guys around like raggedy dolls.

If he kicked your butts again, then what?

You think you're gonna be able to sweet-talk Ivy

into giving up her diabolical plan?

Huh, Mr. Smoothie? Because I got to tell you,

your line ain't that great.

- And beside... - Enough!

I can't trust you.

But I thought...

I mean, we...

You are the walking definition of "loose cannon", Harley.

For all I know, you might decide

at the last minute that Ivy's plan

doesn't sound so cockeyed after all,

because the wind changed direction.

Or because it's Thursday.

- But... - I can't risk it.

The stakes are way too high.

- But... - But what?

But I'll never survive the veggie apocalypse!

Once I begged my mom for a cat,

but I left the back door open

one day and it ran away.

And then I begged her for a hamster

and I forgot to feed it

for like a month.

So then, then she said that maybe I could have a plant

so she got me this itty-bitty fern

in this cute little yellow pot

and I forgot to...

(SOBBING)

Water it!

Well, what if I forget

to water myself?

(HARLEY SOBBING)

Oh, please, Mr. "Kind of scary

"but actually really nice" Batman.

Please let me come with you.

I can make Ivy change her mind

and give up her diabolical plan with Tree Guy.

I know I can!

We're pals.

Yeah, good pals like Jack and Jill.

Or pork and beans.

Oh please. Please!

(HARLEY SOBBING)

You know, you're always saying,

"Have a contingency plan."

So, your plan B

is Harley Quinn.

God, help us.

HARLEY: Probably should have mentioned...

I sometimes get a little airsick.

(VOMITING)

(FLIES BUZZING)

Eh! Eating me alive out here.

Thank God. Can I have some of that?

It's concentrated sulfuric acid.

A super dehydrating agent.

All of the crazy crap you got stuffed into that belt

and you didn't think to bring bug spray?

To a freaking swamp?

Um...

What are you good for? Huh?

You're probably just low on Vitamin B.

Never mind!

Some Boy Scout you turned out to be.

Ow!

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I can't see how they could have gotten here ahead of us.

With the airports and train stations locked down?

Probably not.

But super-villains do tend to be very resourceful.

All I know is,

if they are here already

you could bet your tushie Ivy's turned some of these

bushes and trees into monster watchdogs.

Like Little Shop of Horrors on steroids.

No fooling.

One time, she turned my stick and lollipops stick

into a three-headed snake twig thingy...

While it was still in my mouth!

HARLEY: I haven't had a lollipop since.

(CHUCKLES)

What?

What you said before.

I keep thinking about Plant Guy riding on the subway

in a trench coat and hat.

Like some kind of seven-foot-tall flasher.

All made out of celery.

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)

(MAN SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(BELCHES)

Guess they're definitely here then.

(HISSING)

They're coming.

I can feel it.

Would you please stop fidgeting?

I really need to concentrate.

Just hurry.

Almost done.

One last step.

(TAPPING FINGERS)

(SIGHS)

Look out! Ivy trap.

Come on, this way.

Harley!

(GRUNTING)

(ROARS)

What are you doing?

Just what you expected me to do.

Sucker.

Because it's Thursday.

Harley.

Hiya, sweetie.

Look, sorry about before.

I had to make these jerks think I was on their side

so I could bring them here and wrap them up for you,

so you can get on with your plan.

Nice, huh?

Pammy honey, you got to give up this crazy plan.

It's really, really nutzoid.

Please don't turn us all into veggie-people.

There's got to be another way. You're tampering with things

man was never meant to know.

I'm sure I could put in a good word for you at your trial.

Because after all, your heart's in the right place

even if you did kill all those people.

But please give your plan, Pammy sweetie honey baby.

Please, please, please. Please, give up your plan.

What? No, Harley, the Earth is dying.

I am not destroying the world.

I'm saving it.

IVY: Saving it from the takers and the users.

We've been surrounded by

men like that all our lives.

But we can change them,

trim them, shape them like a good gardener.

I don't wanna do it,

I have to do it.

Well, you can't blame a girl for trying.

(SCREAMS)

Concentrated weed killer.

I always keep them on hand

since the lollipop incident.

I thought we were friends!

Red, friends don't let friends

kill seven billion people.

- (GROWLS) - Uh-oh!

- (GRUNTING) - (EXCLAIMS)

(YELLING)

You really are an idiot, Harley.

We could have changed the world,

but you're too dumb to see that!

Oh yeah?

Smart enough to take away your spanking stick.

Pretty cool, huh?

(EXCLAIMS)

No, that is cool.

You suck.

(BATMAN GRUNTING)

(ROARS)

(EXPLOSION)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GUNFIRE)

(STRAINING)

(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIM)

Seriously, Pammy,

your plan is totally bat-shit bonkers.

They're killing our world.

What else can I do?

I don't know! Vote Democrat. Give money to Greenpeace.

That's for saving whales, moron.

Whatever!

Anything is better than turning us all into walking brussel sprouts.

(GUNFIRE)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(SQUEALS)

(SCREAMS)

I can do this all night.

I don't have that kind of time.

(SCREAMS)

No fair!

(GROANING)

That's it?

The virus?

The solution...

To all the world's problems.

One way or another.

What's that's supposed to mean?

My God, Pammy.

You haven't even tested yet, have you?

Have you?

Batman said that if you get just one teensy weensy thing wrong

you could wind up killing everything on the planet.

Everything, Pammy.

Plants, people, animals.

Everything.

It doesn't matter.

Earth will die anyway if I don't act.

I'm sorry, Harley, but I have to roll these dice.

You're gonna make me do it, aren't you?

Well, when this is all over just remember,

I gave you a chance.

What are you...

- No. - That's right, sweetie.

The nuclear option.

You promised me, you'd never...

Harley, I'm warning you.

Don't you dare!

(SOBS)

(SOBBING) I hate you so much.

Works every time.

Phew!

(GRUNTING)

Holy crap!

Pamela, have you...

So...

This is where your true allegiance lies,

with that cancerous meat.

We can't do this, Jason.

If we've made one miscalculation

the whole Earth will die.

A small risk.

And one I'm more than willing to take.

Well, I'm not.

Pity.

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

Get him, Red!

(STRAINING)

The plant world belongs to me!

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

Red!

Okay, fugly!

You just bought yourself a first-class beating.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

At last,

humanity's lunatic reign is over.

JASON: No longer will this beautiful Earth be ravaged

by poison and ignorance.

No more will this be a world of screaming meat!

(RUMBLING)

(WIND WOOSHING)

Is... Is that...

Yes.

Swamp Thing.

Jason Woodrue,

the Earth has indeed suffered

at the hands of mankind.

However,

this is not the way to right the wrongs

done to Mother Gaia.

Though your cause is just,

your actions

have upset the balance

in the green.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- Yes. - Watch.

Bet you he's gonna turn Plant Guy into a stump or something.

But it is not

my place to judge.

Wait, what?

SWAMP THING: All will be

as it will be.

I return now to the Parliament of Trees,

to seek the hidden truths

at the center of eternity...

No, no, no. No, don't go!

...to know unknowable nature

in all its infinite splendors.

Screw unknowable nature!

Kick his butt!

Farewell.

Well, that was a big ass bucket of nothing.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING MANICALLY)

- Now what? - There must be a way.

- I got... - We've tried everything.

The sonic disruptor barely fazed him.

- What about... - And the bio-feedback Batarangs didn't do squat.

- Guys! - BOTH: What?

Look, you are pros here and all, but...

Well, he's all leafy and everything.

Anybody got a match?

(MATCH STRIKES)

Oh, shucks.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

WESLEY: After my wife ran off with the pizza delivery guy

my OCD started flaring up and got really bad.

I've been getting up six or seven times a night

making sure the windows and doors are locked.

My boss is on my case all the time

about my productivity

since I have a hard time peeing anywhere

but my home bathroom.

I lost my wife.

Now I may lose my job, my house, my cats,

my collection of vintage toasters and vacuum cleaners.

If I can't get this problem under control

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

It sounds to me like you're a little bit blue.

Oh, yeah?

And that part about you being wee-wee shy...

That's rough.

I had this cellmate at Arkham with the same problem.

I says to her, "Sugar, we got a glass wall

"and a toilet in the middle of the floor.

"You're in trouble."

(LAUGHING)

Can you help me?

Of course I can, silly.

I'm a regular Dr. Quinn Medicine Person, ain't I?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I'm legally required to remind you

that my doctorate is purely honorary

and I'm not a currently accredited mental-health professional.

Okay.

Well, Wesey. Okay if I call you Wesey?

- I don't really like it. - Well, Wesey...

- You could clearly benefit from therapy. - (INHALES)

I know I did.

But one thing I learned is that you never get the most out of stuff

when it's just handed to you.

You gotta earn it.

- Right, everybody? - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Now, as everybody knows,

the road to mental wellness is paved with pit bulls.

But all you got to do is make it to that finish line

way over there to win a full year of therapy

from a real, honest-to-goodness shrink.

- (WHIMPERS) - (AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Come on, don't be like that.

I've got faith in you, Wesey.

Time to turn your life around and start feeling good about yourself again!

On your mark, get set...

Get healthy!

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

You have to look through the rain to see the rainbow.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You'll find love when you stop looking.

(STRAINS)

Hang in there, baby.

(YELLS)

- (SPLASHES) - (AUDIENCE GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

(COUGHING)

Aw! Ain't that a shame?

Wendell is headed back to his crummy house

and all those cats without getting the help

he so desperately needs.

Oh well, that's it for today's show.

Till next time, folks.

Be good to yourself.

Because everyone else in the world

is probably out to get you.

Bye-bye.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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