All language subtitles for 9JKL - 01x01 - Pilot.LOL.English.C.orig

Would you look at this gorgeous baby?

Ah, I just want to eat
him and squeeze him

and chew on his squishy, little tushy.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, pretend we're not here.
We just want to watch.

Okay. We've been waiting 12 years

for you to leave L.A.
and move back to New York.

Did you see what we put up on the wall?

Yes. Amazingly, I did
manage to catch that.

Detective Mike Cross.

You were the best thing on television.

- How was the flight?
- Are you hungry?

- Thirsty? Cold?
- Hot?

I'm good, I'm good.

Again, and I can't stress this enough,

I'm only staying here temporarily.

Ah, we'll see.

You're exactly where you should be.

Surrounded by your loving family

in the apartment we kept
because we knew one day

you'd get divorced from that cold woman

who didn't know a good thing.

Hey, look who fell off the poster!

- Hey!
- Hey!

"A prenup?

I don't need a prenup.

This marriage is gonna last forever."

Hello, Andrew.

Now she's got your house, your money,

and you're living next to your
parents like a ten-year-old.

You are also living next to our
parents like a ten-year-old.

Just until the renovations on
our sweet new duplex are done.

It's gonna be sick.

TVs and heated toilets
in every bathroom.

Do the toilets have that water
that shoots up?

You know, if you aim just right,
it gives your business a tszuj.

Oh, my God.

Yay! Welcome home, Uncle Josh.

- Hey, Eve!
- Say hi.

- What's up, Wyatt?
- Say hi.

Mwah. Mwah. Hi.

Eve, are you laying the baby
on his side?

I don't want him to have
one of those flat heads

like the boy in 8C.

His head is fine, Judy.

Did you ask a pediatrician?

Yes, me. I asked myself,

because, as you know,
I am a pediatrician.

Susan Stein told me you got a
4.8 out of 5 rating on Yelp.

What happened to the point two?

Do pediatricians know
anything about baby toes?

Because mine look strange.

Oh, God.

What, does his toe look bad?

I don't know. His balls were in the way.

Okay, if you guys don't leave,
you're all gonna see mine.

Everybody out. I need to get dressed.

- Nice.
- Good-bye.

Good-bye.

- Baby.
- Oh, there's Grandpa.

So, tell me.

You, too, Ma.

Oh, please. I gave birth to you.

Those little balls have been inside me.

It's good to be home.

Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~

There he is.

Welcome back, Josh.

Hey, Nick, what's going on?

Question. Uh, you know
Pattie DeFina in 8K?

Yeah, she and her husband
are just below me.

Yeah, well, last week,
she was just below me.

Okay, Nick, you know
how sometimes people

assume a familiarity
they haven't yet earned?

Aw, man, tell me about it.

My cousin has a stomach thing,
and every time I see him,

he's like, "Hey, yo, Nick,
I got the runs again."

Yup, you got it. You get what I mean.

Oh, uh, Josh, this is my man Ian in 5A.

- Oh, hey, Ian.
- Ian, you now live in the same building

as a real, live TV star.

- Well, you know...
- I don't watch TV. I prefer film.

Got any movies coming out?

Uh, not at the moment, no.

My plan is to get back
into theater, you know?

That's kind of why
I moved back to New York.

Oh, I heard it was because
you lost all your money

in the divorce and you're staying
with your parents for free.

You live with your parents?

- Not with, next to.
- Same thing.

No, it's not. It's not
the same thing at all.

All right, guy, cool.

You live next to your parents.

And don't you forget it.

Hi, Joshy.

I got your favorite
black and white cookies.

Want to come in for a visit?

Ah, I don't know, Ma.
I have to unpack and...

I've been waiting 12 years.

All right, yeah, just for a little.

Oh, and then I ran into Lynn Howard.

David's company went public,

but you were always in the
higher math group, so you win.

Yay.

Judy, what did you do with
the number for the podiatrist?

I hid it in the freezer
just to torture you.

I have no idea.

Oh, and Helen's daughter
Marci is single.

Ma.

What? You picked the first one.

Now it's my turn.

And I'm out. Good-bye.

Josh, I need a favor.

I had an idea to promote the
firm's estate planning business.

We're gonna make a viral video.

Dad, you can't make a viral video.

It just kind of goes viral
or it doesn't.

Well, this one does.

No, you don't... oh, okay.

And-and it would be terrific
if you starred in it.

Aw, Dad, I-I'd love to,
but I'm really busy.

What are you so busy with?

Well, I have scripts to read.
I'm meeting with theater agents.

No problem. Forget I asked.

I'll do it.

You're not doing it.

- No, I want to do it.
- I don't want you to do it.

Please, Dad, let me be
in this viral video for you.

Okay. If it means that much to you.

Thank you so much.

The word is "no." Say it with me. No.

Okay, I am perfectly capable
of saying no to them.

No way, it's the blind cop.

Hey, man, how you doing?

"I got 'em, Chief, I got 'em!"

That show sucked.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. Josh.

Ugh, what is with you people?

Blind Cop sucked. We all know it suck...

No, no, no, Andrew,
this is Christina Jones.

- We went to Michigan together. Hi.
- Hi.

This is crazy. I didn't
know you were in the city.

Yeah.

I, uh, I'm gonna let you guys catch up.

I got to head back to the hospital.

Surgeon.

How have you been, Josh?

Uh, well, I got divorced
and my show got canceled.

Two things which sound really bad but
could maybe be good. How about you?

Uh, well, I just went
through a breakup myself.

Yes.

Yes, that must've been hard.

Yes. Well, it was for the best.

His parents were a nightmare.

So overbearing.

Huh. I cannot relate to that at all.

What up, fellas?

Things are looking up for the kid.

Why? Did you get an audition?

No, I did not, but I did get
a date with Christina Jones.

- Hey.
- That's not gonna pay the bills.

Ha. Got him.

My friend, Billy's father,

is producing Paul Feig's
follow-up to Bridesmaids.

It's called Groomies.

Has some problems in the second
act, but they'll find it.

You should ask your agent
about the role of doctor.

Get that Blind Cop stink off you.

Thank you, Ian,

but I don't need career advice
from a 12-year-old.

It's called Groomies.
The role of the doctor.

Yeah, Danny, I know it'd be
a great job for me to get.

That's why I'm calling you,
my agent, to tell you about it.

Okay. Thank you.

Hi, Joshy.

How? How do you always know?

We used to be one body.

Yeah, so, any word
on the Paul Feig audition?

They don't believe
I could play a doctor?

I look like every doctor
I've ever been to.

All right, well, thanks for checking.

Josh.

Sure. Why wouldn't you be here?

Costco closet.

Ah. It just so happens

my classmate from law
school, Eddie Aberman,

represented Paul Feig's cousin,

- Barry, in his IRS audit.
- Ah.

Should I ask Eddie to fix up
a meeting for you and Paul?

Dad, one of the biggest
comedy directors in Hollywood

is not gonna meet with me

because of his cousin's
connection to Eddie Aberman.

Do we have ketchup?

Do we have ketchup?

Oh.

Yeah. Mm.

You look nice.

Well, that's because he's costarring

in my firm's video.

He practically begged me to be in it.

I forgot about that stupid video.

I'm dressed up
because I have a date tonight.

Ooh, that girl from the park
who was checking me out?

Don't tell Mom and Dad; they'll
want to meet her and feed her

and ask her about her ability
to have children.

Obviously. Wait,
so let me get this straight.

First date in eight years
or Dad's sad video.

Oh, boy, that's a tough one.

I can do both.

How long can the video take?

Viral video, take 42.

- Okay, okay, I got it this time.
- Good, good, good, good.

My father's death was so sudden,
and I'm overwhelmed

by all the decisions I have to make.

Well, luckily, your father was ready

for just this moment and hired...

Singer Sterling
to prepare the documents.

Nailed it! Perfect!

No notes. Can't beat it!

- Yeah, felt good.
- It was good!

Got to go, Dad!

Acting's not hard.

- Hello?
- Josh, this is Molly,

Andrew and Eve's babysitter.
You need to come home.

Oh, my God, did something
happen to the baby?

I don't know. It's in the other room.

But I'm having a crisis.

My boyfriend just hooked up
with my best friend.

And Andrew and Eve
aren't answering their phones.

Well, I'm barely gonna make
my date as it is.

Go get my mother.
But don't mention the date.

Your mother's not home.
You have ten minutes.

No, I'm sorry, but no,
this is not my problem!

Hey. Sorry I'm a little late.

- You look incredible.
- Thanks.

You have a baby.

Oh. He's for you. Flowers are so cliché.

This is my nephew, Wyatt.
Babysitting snafu.

My brother and sister-in-law
should be here any second.

He's cute.

Good thing, too, because
he is very self-absorbed.

- Really?
- Me, me, me, me, me.

Hey. Sorry.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Sorry. Thank you, Josh.
- Yeah.

You're our hero.

Actually, I'm the hero.
I crushed that escape room.

Yeah, we got all the clues.
The other couples got none.

Chiropractors are so stupid. Right?

Why'd you bring a baby on a date?

It's, like, the opposite of foreplay.

It's pronounced "thank you."
And what are you doing?

Oh, sorry. Eve, sit.

No. Don't sit, don't sit. Leave.

Okay. You know,

you guys make a cute couple.
I hope it works out.

Aw, thank you so much.

- You got to go. You got to.
- Okay.

Nice meeting you.

Sorry about that.

Yeah.

I love you so much.

If college me knew I was on
a date with Christina Jones...

I mean, oh, my God,
I had the biggest crush on you.

I had the biggest crush on you.

- You did?
- I did.

Well, that is information
I wish college me had had.

Mm.

- So...
- So?

Should we maybe... get out of here?

We should definitely get out of here.

- Mm-hmm.
- Where do you live?

My ex got our place, so
I'm on a friend's sofa.

Should we go to your place?

Ah. My place.

Uh, yeah, we could go to my place.

Unless... would your ex
let us use his place?

No? Okay, yeah,
my place is great. Great.

- After you.
- Thank you.

Oh, my damn. Uh...

Welcome to East End Place.

I'm the captain of this
fair establishment,

so if you need anything,

I mean anything at all, just holla.

'Kay. Thanks, Nick, but I don't think

she's having
a package delivered tonight.

Believe in yourself, man.

Easy, Nick.

Yes, Mrs. Roberts?
Yeah, he's on his way up.

Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah!

- What are you doing?
- Telling your mother you're home.

Why?

'Cause of the money she gives me
to tell her when you're home.

My mother pays you to tell her
every time I come home?

- Well, yeah...
- Everything okay?

Yeah. Totally. Um, so that is when

the building people
should come up to fix the thing

by the thing.

And away we go!

So, I just have to run in

and say a quick hello
to my elderly neighbor.

Why don't you meet me in 9K.

There is wine in the fridge.

Babies, old people...
you're such a good guy.

Well, you know, I do what I can.

Oh! Let's do this.

I got some of your favorite...

- Cheese? Yum!
- Uh-huh.

So, who'd you run into today?

Harriet? Sarah? Susan? Emily?

Uh, yes, Emily Brown.

Her son Jonathan is the youngest
circuit court judge...

Court judge ever... but I beat him

in that mock trial
in eighth grade, so I win!

Mmm! Delicious. Love that cheese.

All right, well, great visit.
I'm exhausted. Going to bed.

Hi. So sorry about that.

Is there a lot of crime
in this building?

Yes.

Mostly stolen moments.

- So...
- So...

Josh!

That's just my elderly neighbor.

Probably lost her teeth again.

She'll find 'em.

You know what? If we stay
quiet, maybe she'll go away.

Joshua... Oh!

What?

What's going on?!

You know, perhaps
I don't quite understand

your relationship with your neighbor.

- Yeah. Um...
- Joshua?

Why don't you go check out
the terrace...

- Joshua?
- ...while I get rid of her.

Beautiful view, especially at night.

- We had our moment.
- Oh! Thank God you're okay!

Of course I'm okay. I was in
your apartment ten seconds ago.

First, I don't like your tone.

And second, I forgot to give you this.

That actor you always go up against

got a terrible review in his new play.

Okay, thank you so much.
Really appreciate it.

- Good night.
- You know my friend Mindy?

- Good night, good night, good night!
- She...

Good night!

Oh!

It's really beautiful out here.

Yeah, it really is.

Can you hear me now?

Hello, children.

I'll call you back.
I will call you back.

And that's the terrace. Come back in.

Hello. I'm Harold, Josh's...

Neighbor!

Hey, neighbor Harold. Have a good one.

Young lady,

have you ever had a gorgeous piece

of honeydew melon?

I-I've had melon that looked good.

Don't know if
I would say "gorgeous," but...

Well, this is a gorgeous piece

of honeydew melon.

Harold, no! Why?!

Oh!

I am so sorry.

Um, maybe you could make us

some stronger drinks?

There is a jar of 2,000 olives
in the closet.

What are you doing?

You never come out on the terrace.

Why are you on the terrace?

I'm trying to get reception.

How was I supposed to know
that you were out here

giving some girl a wowee?

Mommy said you went to sleep.

Okay, can you not call her "Mommy"?

And what if she didn't like melon?

Then she's not the girl for you.

What are you morons screaming about?

You're gonna wake the baby.
How's the date going?

- Not great.
- Relax. You're just nervous

'cause you haven't gotten
laid in ten months.

It's been ten months
since you've had intercourse?

Thank you.

I mean, Mommy and I
aren't like we used to be,

but we still do it on Valentine's Day.

- And on both your birthdays.
- Don't, please!

Ever since I had that varicose
vein removed from my testicle,

I produce a lot more semen.

- Make it stop!
- Oh, my... always about the testicle.

Well, it's very exciting that
intercourse is on the table.

You need me to make a condom run?

All I need is privacy.

And don't tell Mommy... Mom.

- We call her Mom.
- Okay.

Go. Have some nice sex, son.

Thank you.

Sorry about that.

So, um... where were we?

A girl?

My son lied to me?

- Son?
- Yes.

I, uh, I told her she
could call me her son

because, well...
you're gonna love this...

I am her son.

Ma, what are you screaming about?!

- Who is that?
- My brother.

He, Eve and the baby
live on the other side.

I'm sorry, it's just
I really like you a lot,

and my living situation
isn't exactly a turn-on.

Unless it is.

- It's not.
- No, it's not.

I know it's not. I know it's not.

But it's not a big deal.
So you live next to your family.

Yeah, right. No biggie.

You know what, let's just
pretend they're not there.

Judy, are you aware

that Josh hasn't
had intercourse in ten months?

Could you excuse me for
just, like, one second?

No, because I wasn't there...

What is wrong with you people?

This is my first date since the divorce,

and you're ruining it with your loudness

and your horrible babysitter
and your testicle!

It's doing fine,
God forbid anyone should ask.

I am a grown man. I need space.

We give you space.

You pay the doorman
to tell you every time

I come up in the elevator.

You pay the doorman
to tell you every time

Josh comes up in the elevator?

Insane, right?

Why don't you pay him to tell you
every time I come up in the elevator?

You don't like to visit with me.

Neither do I!

So, I'm gonna go.

I am so sorry. Can I call you tomorrow?

- Oh, that ship has sailed.
- She's not gonna call you back.

You got to read the room.

Boundaries! Boundaries!

Boundaries! Boundaries!

I require a modicum of respect!

Hello?

You always had such
a great vocabulary, Josh.

And I saved three lives this week.

Remember when you won the
fifth grade spelling bee?

Like, they were dead, and
then I made them not dead.

Okay, thanks.

That was Eddie Aberman.

He spoke to Barry Feig.

His cousin, the director
Paul Feig, will meet you

if you can get to his hotel
in SoHo within 20 minutes!

What? Are you serious?

That's amazing and horrible.

It's all the way downtown.
I'll never make it.

Oh, you'll make it. Judy, get my pants!

Absolutely.

Hi, Mr. Feig. I'm...

The blind cop.

- Oh, you've seen the show.
- Yeah.

Mr. Feig, I am such a huge fan.

I mean, Bridesmaids is,
like, a perfect comedy.

I know it's a long shot,
but if there's any way

I could read for the role of the doctor

- in your new movie...
- There's no way.

- No way.
- No way.

- No way? Got it.
- Zero way.

- Okay.
- I already gave the part to Steve Carell.

- Right, right.
- But you, Josh, I mean,

you were a great blind cop.

All right, well, uh, it was
an honor to meet you.

Um...

actually, there is the role
of the klutzy band leader.

It's not a lot of lines, but...

I'll take it. All right.

- Okay, great.
- I'm leading the band.

- You sure are.
- Yeah.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Mr. Feig.

All right. Oh...

My baby's in a Paul Feig movie!

Congratulations, buddy.

Don't forget to write Eddie Aberman

a nice thank you note.

Yes, I will.

And you know,
Morty, from the racquet club,

is married to Martin Scorsese's
niece's orthodontist.

Oh.

Would you like to be in a Scorsese film?

Yes. That'd be great, Dad.

So let's go home and celebrate.

Okay, sure. I-I just, uh...
I want to say something first.

This has been
the toughest year of my life,

with the divorce and
the show, and I just...

I'm very lucky.

You guys are always there for me.

And we always will be.

Always.

I know. Thank you.

Always.

Box seats, Knicks/Warriors, tonight.

For me? For real?

If... you stop telling
my mother when I'm coming up.

Done, son!

All right.

I'm home.

- There he is.
- Hi, Joshy.

Hi.

Why are you in here?

Costco run. Is that a
gorgeous barrel of cashews?

Helen's daughter Marci
is expecting your call.

I already dialed the first nine numbers.

Don't mind me, just came
to get my breast milk

from your fridge.

Why is your breast milk in my fridge?

And please tell me it's not the cream

in the little glass bottle that
I've been using in my coffee.

Okay.

Oh, look what I found in the Dumpster.

Dumpster? How did it get there?

I don't know, it must have
wandered off, being all blind.

Guys, guys, guys, if this is gonna work,

we must establish some ground rules.

I understand.

Good.

But no.

Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~