All language subtitles for SNL S01E19 Madeline Kahn.DVDRip.HI.RLP.cc.en.UNVSL

[MID-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

OH, HI.

I'M RONALD REAGAN.

OH, SURE, I PLAY THE ORGAN, TOO.

DID YOU THINK I WAS JUST A

POLITICIAN OR AN ACTOR?

NAH.

TAKE IT, BOY.

YOU KNOW, I'M DOING THIS TO KIND
OF PROVE A POINT.
I WANT TO SHOW THE PEOPLE OF

OF PROVE A POINT.
I WANT TO SHOW THE PEOPLE OF
THIS GREAT NATION OF OURS THAT A

I WANT TO SHOW THE PEOPLE OF
THIS GREAT NATION OF OURS THAT A
CONSERVATIVE LIKE ME CAN, WELL,

THIS GREAT NATION OF OURS THAT A
CONSERVATIVE LIKE ME CAN, WELL,
ALSO GET WITH THE HEP, POP,

CONSERVATIVE LIKE ME CAN, WELL,
ALSO GET WITH THE HEP, POP,
YOUNG MUSIC GENERATION.

ALSO GET WITH THE HEP, POP,
YOUNG MUSIC GENERATION.
TAKE IT, BOY.

AND THAT'S NOT ALL.
I LIKE TO GET DOWN WITH THE
COLORED PEOPLE... THE PEOPLE

I LIKE TO GET DOWN WITH THE
COLORED PEOPLE... THE PEOPLE
WITH THE REAL SOUL, THAT NATURAL

COLORED PEOPLE... THE PEOPLE
WITH THE REAL SOUL, THAT NATURAL
RHYTHMIC SENSE THAT, WELL, THAT

WITH THE REAL SOUL, THAT NATURAL
RHYTHMIC SENSE THAT, WELL, THAT
BROUGHT THEM OUT TO THE POLLS IN

RHYTHMIC SENSE THAT, WELL, THAT
BROUGHT THEM OUT TO THE POLLS IN
NORTH CAROLINA AND TEXAS TO VOTE

BROUGHT THEM OUT TO THE POLLS IN
NORTH CAROLINA AND TEXAS TO VOTE
FOR ME.

NORTH CAROLINA AND TEXAS TO VOTE
FOR ME.
TAKE IT, BOY.

THAT'S RIGHT.
SEE, I'M AN EX-GOVERNOR, AN
EX-ACTOR, AND A KEYBOARD PLAYER.

SEE, I'M AN EX-GOVERNOR, AN
EX-ACTOR, AND A KEYBOARD PLAYER.
THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE BETTER

EX-ACTOR, AND A KEYBOARD PLAYER.
THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE BETTER
THAN TO GIG WITH THE

THERE'S NOTHING I LIKE BETTER
THAN TO GIG WITH THE
UNDERPRIVILEGED.

THAN TO GIG WITH THE
UNDERPRIVILEGED.
TAKE IT, BOY.

TAKE IT, BOY.
HEY!
[MUSIC STOPS]

HEY!
[MUSIC STOPS]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

[MUSIC STOPS]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's...

STARRING...

WITH SPECIAL GUEST ARTIST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MADELINE KAHN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, OH, OH.
OH, MY, MY, MY, MY.
HELLO AND THANK YOU.

OH, MY, MY, MY, MY.
HELLO AND THANK YOU.
AND TO GET RIGHT TO THE POINT,

HELLO AND THANK YOU.
AND TO GET RIGHT TO THE POINT,
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

AND TO GET RIGHT TO THE POINT,
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
IT'S MOTHER'S DAY VERY SOON.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
IT'S MOTHER'S DAY VERY SOON.
IN A HALF-HOUR OR SO IT'LL BE

IT'S MOTHER'S DAY VERY SOON.
IN A HALF-HOUR OR SO IT'LL BE
MOTHER'S DAY, AND WHAT CAN WE

IN A HALF-HOUR OR SO IT'LL BE
MOTHER'S DAY, AND WHAT CAN WE
DO?

MOTHER'S DAY, AND WHAT CAN WE
DO?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THERE JUST

DO?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THERE JUST
DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY WAY TO

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THERE JUST
DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY WAY TO
REPAY WHAT A PERSON'S MOTHER

DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY WAY TO
REPAY WHAT A PERSON'S MOTHER
GIVES.

REPAY WHAT A PERSON'S MOTHER
GIVES.
I MEAN, MY MOTHER GAVE ME BIRTH.

GIVES.
I MEAN, MY MOTHER GAVE ME BIRTH.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOURS.

I MEAN, MY MOTHER GAVE ME BIRTH.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOURS.
AND THEN, YOU KNOW, AND I GAVE

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOURS.
AND THEN, YOU KNOW, AND I GAVE
HER A SCARF.

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, AND I GAVE
HER A SCARF.
AND SOMETIMES SHE GIVES ME

HER A SCARF.
AND SOMETIMES SHE GIVES ME
STRENGTH, AND I GIVE HER

AND SOMETIMES SHE GIVES ME
STRENGTH, AND I GIVE HER
NOTHING.

STRENGTH, AND I GIVE HER
NOTHING.
AND IT'S JUST VERY UPSETTING.

NOTHING.
AND IT'S JUST VERY UPSETTING.
AND I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THIS

AND IT'S JUST VERY UPSETTING.
AND I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THIS
TIME 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SO BUSY.

AND I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THIS
TIME 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SO BUSY.
SO I DO HAVE THIS WONDERFUL

TIME 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SO BUSY.
SO I DO HAVE THIS WONDERFUL
OPPORTUNITY, AND PERHAPS I COULD

SO I DO HAVE THIS WONDERFUL
OPPORTUNITY, AND PERHAPS I COULD
SPEAK FOR ALL OF YOU IN SINGING

OPPORTUNITY, AND PERHAPS I COULD
SPEAK FOR ALL OF YOU IN SINGING
A LITTLE SOMETHING TO MOTHER.

SPEAK FOR ALL OF YOU IN SINGING
A LITTLE SOMETHING TO MOTHER.
AND HERE IT IS.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO MOTHER.
AND HERE IT IS.
♪ "M" IS FOR THE MANY THINGS

AND HERE IT IS.
♪ "M" IS FOR THE MANY THINGS
SHE GAVE ME ♪

♪ "M" IS FOR THE MANY THINGS
SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "O" IS FOR THE OTHER THINGS

SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "O" IS FOR THE OTHER THINGS
SHE GAVE ME ♪

♪ "O" IS FOR THE OTHER THINGS
SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "T" IS FOR THE THOUSAND

SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "T" IS FOR THE THOUSAND
THINGS SHE GAVE ME ♪

♪ "T" IS FOR THE THOUSAND
THINGS SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "H" IS FOR THE HUNDRED THINGS

THINGS SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "H" IS FOR THE HUNDRED THINGS
SHE GAVE ME ♪

♪ "H" IS FOR THE HUNDRED THINGS
SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "E" IS FOR EVERYTHING

SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "E" IS FOR EVERYTHING
SHE GAVE ME ♪

♪ "E" IS FOR EVERYTHING
SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "R" IS FOR THE REST OF THE

SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "R" IS FOR THE REST OF THE
THINGS SHE GAVE ME ♪

♪ "R" IS FOR THE REST OF THE
THINGS SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "P" IS FOR THE PRESENTS THAT

THINGS SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ "P" IS FOR THE PRESENTS THAT
SHE GAVE ME ♪

♪ "P" IS FOR THE PRESENTS THAT
SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER,

SHE GAVE ME ♪
♪ PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER,
THEY SPELL "MOTHERP" ♪

♪ PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER,
THEY SPELL "MOTHERP" ♪
♪ THE ONE WHO MEANS THE WORLD

THEY SPELL "MOTHERP" ♪
♪ THE ONE WHO MEANS THE WORLD
TO ME ♪

♪ THE ONE WHO MEANS THE WORLD
TO ME ♪
[APPLAUSE]

TO ME ♪
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

Announcer: AN ENTERTAINER
TURNS HIS BACK ON CIVILIZATION
TO FIND NATURE'S AUDIENCE.

TURNS HIS BACK ON CIVILIZATION
TO FIND NATURE'S AUDIENCE.
HE MADE THE ANIMALS LAUGH.

TO FIND NATURE'S AUDIENCE.
HE MADE THE ANIMALS LAUGH.
"WILDERNESS COMEDIAN."

HE MADE THE ANIMALS LAUGH.
"WILDERNESS COMEDIAN."
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

"WILDERNESS COMEDIAN."
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
ONE MOUNTAIN GOAT GOES UP TO

THANK YOU.
ONE MOUNTAIN GOAT GOES UP TO
ANOTHER MOUNTAIN GOAT AND SAYS,

ONE MOUNTAIN GOAT GOES UP TO
ANOTHER MOUNTAIN GOAT AND SAYS,
"WHO WAS THAT LADY I SAW YOU

ANOTHER MOUNTAIN GOAT AND SAYS,
"WHO WAS THAT LADY I SAW YOU
WITH LAST NIGHT?"

"WHO WAS THAT LADY I SAW YOU
WITH LAST NIGHT?"
THE GOAT SAYS, "THAT WAS NO

WITH LAST NIGHT?"
THE GOAT SAYS, "THAT WAS NO
LADY... THAT WAS MY KID!"

THE GOAT SAYS, "THAT WAS NO
LADY... THAT WAS MY KID!"
[ANIMALS LAUGH]

LADY... THAT WAS MY KID!"
[ANIMALS LAUGH]
THANK YOU.

[ANIMALS LAUGH]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS COAT,

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS COAT,
HUH?

HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS COAT,
HUH?
HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS COAT, HUH?

HUH?
HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS COAT, HUH?
I GOT IT REAL CHEAP.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS COAT, HUH?
I GOT IT REAL CHEAP.
I BOUGHT IT OFF A DEER FOR A

I GOT IT REAL CHEAP.
I BOUGHT IT OFF A DEER FOR A
BUCK.

I BOUGHT IT OFF A DEER FOR A
BUCK.
IT'S A BUCKSKIN!

BUCK.
IT'S A BUCKSKIN!
THANK YOU.

IT'S A BUCKSKIN!
THANK YOU.
[ANIMALS LAUGH]

THANK YOU.
[ANIMALS LAUGH]
Announcer: YES, "WILDERNESS

[ANIMALS LAUGH]
Announcer: YES, "WILDERNESS
COMEDIAN," STARRING SHECKY ADAMS

Announcer: YES, "WILDERNESS
COMEDIAN," STARRING SHECKY ADAMS
IN THE STORY OF A SUCCESSFUL

COMEDIAN," STARRING SHECKY ADAMS
IN THE STORY OF A SUCCESSFUL
NIGHTCLUB COMIC WHO GAVE UP THE

IN THE STORY OF A SUCCESSFUL
NIGHTCLUB COMIC WHO GAVE UP THE
WILD LIFE OF LAS VEGAS FOR THE

NIGHTCLUB COMIC WHO GAVE UP THE
WILD LIFE OF LAS VEGAS FOR THE
WILDLIFE OF THE NORTH AMERICAN

WILD LIFE OF LAS VEGAS FOR THE
WILDLIFE OF THE NORTH AMERICAN
WILDERNESS.

WILDLIFE OF THE NORTH AMERICAN
WILDERNESS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WILDERNESS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BUT SERIOUSLY, BIRDS AND BEES,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BUT SERIOUSLY, BIRDS AND BEES,
IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO BE HERE

BUT SERIOUSLY, BIRDS AND BEES,
IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO BE HERE
TONIGHT.

IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO BE HERE
TONIGHT.
THE WILDERNESS IS A CRAZY PLACE.

TONIGHT.
THE WILDERNESS IS A CRAZY PLACE.
IT'S REALLY A NUTTY PLACE.

THE WILDERNESS IS A CRAZY PLACE.
IT'S REALLY A NUTTY PLACE.
IT JUST GOES ON HERE ALL THE

IT'S REALLY A NUTTY PLACE.
IT JUST GOES ON HERE ALL THE
TIME.

IT JUST GOES ON HERE ALL THE
TIME.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY INSANE.

TIME.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY INSANE.
THE OTHER DAY, THERE'S THIS BEAR

IT'S ABSOLUTELY INSANE.
THE OTHER DAY, THERE'S THIS BEAR
STANDING NEXT TO A CREEK TRYING

THE OTHER DAY, THERE'S THIS BEAR
STANDING NEXT TO A CREEK TRYING
TO CATCH A SALMON, RIGHT?

STANDING NEXT TO A CREEK TRYING
TO CATCH A SALMON, RIGHT?
AND THIS MOOSE WALKS BY AND

TO CATCH A SALMON, RIGHT?
AND THIS MOOSE WALKS BY AND
SAYS, "HOW YOU DOING?"

AND THIS MOOSE WALKS BY AND
SAYS, "HOW YOU DOING?"
THE BEAR SAYS, "NOT SO GOOD.

SAYS, "HOW YOU DOING?"
THE BEAR SAYS, "NOT SO GOOD.
HAVEN'T CAUGHT A SALMON ALL

THE BEAR SAYS, "NOT SO GOOD.
HAVEN'T CAUGHT A SALMON ALL
DAY."

HAVEN'T CAUGHT A SALMON ALL
DAY."
THE MOOSE SAYS, "NO WONDER."

DAY."
THE MOOSE SAYS, "NO WONDER."
HE SAYS, "NO WONDER.

THE MOOSE SAYS, "NO WONDER."
HE SAYS, "NO WONDER.
YOU'RE FACING THE WRONG WAY.

HE SAYS, "NO WONDER.
YOU'RE FACING THE WRONG WAY.
SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM."

YOU'RE FACING THE WRONG WAY.
SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM."
"SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM!"

SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM."
"SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM!"
HEY, WHAT IS THIS, AN AUDUBON

"SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM!"
HEY, WHAT IS THIS, AN AUDUBON
PAINTING?

HEY, WHAT IS THIS, AN AUDUBON
PAINTING?
[ANIMALS LAUGH]

PAINTING?
[ANIMALS LAUGH]
THANK YOU.

[ANIMALS LAUGH]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
Announcer: YOUR WHOLE FAMILY

THANK YOU.
Announcer: YOUR WHOLE FAMILY
WILL THRILL TO SCENES OF HIGH

Announcer: YOUR WHOLE FAMILY
WILL THRILL TO SCENES OF HIGH
ADVENTURE.

WILL THRILL TO SCENES OF HIGH
ADVENTURE.
IMAGINE GRAPPLING WITH A

ADVENTURE.
IMAGINE GRAPPLING WITH A
400-POUND WILDERNESS HECKLER.

IMAGINE GRAPPLING WITH A
400-POUND WILDERNESS HECKLER.
OPENING FOR JERRY VALE WAS NEVER

400-POUND WILDERNESS HECKLER.
OPENING FOR JERRY VALE WAS NEVER
LIKE THIS.

OPENING FOR JERRY VALE WAS NEVER
LIKE THIS.
OKAY, BEAR, YOU CAN SIT DOWN.

LIKE THIS.
OKAY, BEAR, YOU CAN SIT DOWN.
WE'VE ALL SEEN THE COAT BEFORE.

OKAY, BEAR, YOU CAN SIT DOWN.
WE'VE ALL SEEN THE COAT BEFORE.
FINE. REAL GOOD.

WE'VE ALL SEEN THE COAT BEFORE.
FINE. REAL GOOD.
OKAY! ALL RIGHT.

FINE. REAL GOOD.
OKAY! ALL RIGHT.
HEY, LOOK, I KID BEARS.

OKAY! ALL RIGHT.
HEY, LOOK, I KID BEARS.
I KNOW.

HEY, LOOK, I KID BEARS.
I KNOW.
BUT I KID ALL THE SPECIES, YOU

I KNOW.
BUT I KID ALL THE SPECIES, YOU
KNOW?

BUT I KID ALL THE SPECIES, YOU
KNOW?
WHY? BECAUSE WE'RE ALL ANIMALS,

KNOW?
WHY? BECAUSE WE'RE ALL ANIMALS,
RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

WHY? BECAUSE WE'RE ALL ANIMALS,
RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
AND I LOVE THEM.

RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
AND I LOVE THEM.
I DON'T CARE WHETHER THEY'RE

AND I LOVE THEM.
I DON'T CARE WHETHER THEY'RE
HOOVED, THEY'RE FURRIED, OR

I DON'T CARE WHETHER THEY'RE
HOOVED, THEY'RE FURRIED, OR
THEY'RE FEATHERED.

HOOVED, THEY'RE FURRIED, OR
THEY'RE FEATHERED.
I DON'T CARE.

THEY'RE FEATHERED.
I DON'T CARE.
AFTER ALL, WE'RE ALL ANIMALS

I DON'T CARE.
AFTER ALL, WE'RE ALL ANIMALS
EXCEPT THE YOUNG ONES TODAY, THE

AFTER ALL, WE'RE ALL ANIMALS
EXCEPT THE YOUNG ONES TODAY, THE
YOUNG ANIMALS TODAY.

EXCEPT THE YOUNG ONES TODAY, THE
YOUNG ANIMALS TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW.

YOUNG ANIMALS TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE CRAZY.

I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE CRAZY.
THEY ALL LET THEIR HAIR GROW

THEY'RE CRAZY.
THEY ALL LET THEIR HAIR GROW
LONG, YOU KNOW?

THEY ALL LET THEIR HAIR GROW
LONG, YOU KNOW?
I KNOW A TEENAGE... I KNOW A

LONG, YOU KNOW?
I KNOW A TEENAGE... I KNOW A
TEENAGE WATER BUFFALO.

I KNOW A TEENAGE... I KNOW A
TEENAGE WATER BUFFALO.
HE'S 6'2".

TEENAGE WATER BUFFALO.
HE'S 6'2".
HE GOT A HAIRCUT.

HE'S 6'2".
HE GOT A HAIRCUT.
HE'S 5'4".

HE GOT A HAIRCUT.
HE'S 5'4".
[ANIMALS LAUGH]

HE'S 5'4".
[ANIMALS LAUGH]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Announcer: IT'S "WILDERNESS

COMEDIAN," OPENING SOON AT A

JERRY LEWIS THEATER NEAR YOU ON

A DOUBLE BILL WITH "WILDERNESS

GOLF PRO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[As Barbara Walters] GOOD
EVENING, AND WELCOME TO "NOT FOR
WADIES ONLY."

EVENING, AND WELCOME TO "NOT FOR
WADIES ONLY."
I'M BARBARA WAWA.

WADIES ONLY."
I'M BARBARA WAWA.
AND TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING TO

I'M BARBARA WAWA.
AND TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING TO
AN ACTUAL WIVING WEGEND, THE

AND TONIGHT WE'LL BE TALKING TO
AN ACTUAL WIVING WEGEND, THE
INCWEDIBLE MARWENE DEUTCHWAND.

AN ACTUAL WIVING WEGEND, THE
INCWEDIBLE MARWENE DEUTCHWAND.
[As Marlene Dietrich]

INCWEDIBLE MARWENE DEUTCHWAND.
[As Marlene Dietrich]
THANK YOU.

[As Marlene Dietrich]
THANK YOU.
IT IS GWEAT TO BE HEWE.

THANK YOU.
IT IS GWEAT TO BE HEWE.
MARWENE, WHAT IT IS WIKE TO

IT IS GWEAT TO BE HEWE.
MARWENE, WHAT IT IS WIKE TO
BE A WIVING WEGEND?

MARWENE, WHAT IT IS WIKE TO
BE A WIVING WEGEND?
IT HAS BEEN A WEALLY WICH

BE A WIVING WEGEND?
IT HAS BEEN A WEALLY WICH
EXPEWIENCE.

IT HAS BEEN A WEALLY WICH
EXPEWIENCE.
I'M SO IMPWESSED.

EXPEWIENCE.
I'M SO IMPWESSED.
YOU'RE SO WITHE AND SWENDER.

I'M SO IMPWESSED.
YOU'RE SO WITHE AND SWENDER.
HOW DO YOU STAY SO SWIM?

YOU'RE SO WITHE AND SWENDER.
HOW DO YOU STAY SO SWIM?
WELL, SWIMMING KEEPS ME SWIM.

HOW DO YOU STAY SO SWIM?
WELL, SWIMMING KEEPS ME SWIM.
MY DAIWY WEGIMEN INCWUDES

WELL, SWIMMING KEEPS ME SWIM.
MY DAIWY WEGIMEN INCWUDES
SWIMMING 12 WAPS IN MY POOL.

MY DAIWY WEGIMEN INCWUDES
SWIMMING 12 WAPS IN MY POOL.
IT IS WONDERFUL FOR MY WEGS.

SWIMMING 12 WAPS IN MY POOL.
IT IS WONDERFUL FOR MY WEGS.
MARWENE, TELL US YOUR SECWET

IT IS WONDERFUL FOR MY WEGS.
MARWENE, TELL US YOUR SECWET
OF PERPETUAL YOUTH.

MARWENE, TELL US YOUR SECWET
OF PERPETUAL YOUTH.
UH, I GET MASSAGED REGUWARWY,

OF PERPETUAL YOUTH.
UH, I GET MASSAGED REGUWARWY,
AND I'VE HAD EVEWYTHING WIFTED.

UH, I GET MASSAGED REGUWARWY,
AND I'VE HAD EVEWYTHING WIFTED.
YOU MEAN, YOU'VE HAD YOUR

AND I'VE HAD EVEWYTHING WIFTED.
YOU MEAN, YOU'VE HAD YOUR
WEGS WIFTED?

YOU MEAN, YOU'VE HAD YOUR
WEGS WIFTED?
EVEWYTHING, EVEN MY WEAW.

WEGS WIFTED?
EVEWYTHING, EVEN MY WEAW.
WHAT?

EVEWYTHING, EVEN MY WEAW.
WHAT?
MY WEAW.

WHAT?
MY WEAW.
YOUR WEAW?

MY WEAW.
YOUR WEAW?
WHAT?

YOUR WEAW?
WHAT?
UH, DWOP IT.

WHAT?
UH, DWOP IT.
LET'S DWOP IT.

UH, DWOP IT.
LET'S DWOP IT.
WELL, YOU BWOUGHT IT UP.

LET'S DWOP IT.
WELL, YOU BWOUGHT IT UP.
OF COURSE, WOOKING GWAMOROUS ON

WELL, YOU BWOUGHT IT UP.
OF COURSE, WOOKING GWAMOROUS ON
FILM ISN'T ALL BEAUTY SECWETS.

OF COURSE, WOOKING GWAMOROUS ON
FILM ISN'T ALL BEAUTY SECWETS.
A WOT OF IT IS WIGHTING.

FILM ISN'T ALL BEAUTY SECWETS.
A WOT OF IT IS WIGHTING.
I DO ALL MY OWN WIGHTING.

A WOT OF IT IS WIGHTING.
I DO ALL MY OWN WIGHTING.
REAWWY? UH...

I DO ALL MY OWN WIGHTING.
REAWWY? UH...
I DIDN'T WEAWIZE YOU WOTE.

REAWWY? UH...
I DIDN'T WEAWIZE YOU WOTE.
I DON'T.

I DIDN'T WEAWIZE YOU WOTE.
I DON'T.
I WIGHT.

I DON'T.
I WIGHT.
YOU'RE WEFERRING TO TYPEWITER

I WIGHT.
YOU'RE WEFERRING TO TYPEWITER
WIGHTING, WIGHT?

YOU'RE WEFERRING TO TYPEWITER
WIGHTING, WIGHT?
WONG.

WIGHTING, WIGHT?
WONG.
I AM WEFEWWING TO EWECTWIC

WONG.
I AM WEFEWWING TO EWECTWIC
WIGHTING.

I AM WEFEWWING TO EWECTWIC
WIGHTING.
YOU SEE, IN PICTURES, BWIGHT

WIGHTING.
YOU SEE, IN PICTURES, BWIGHT
WIGHTING CAN BE WEWY

YOU SEE, IN PICTURES, BWIGHT
WIGHTING CAN BE WEWY
UNFWATTERING.

WIGHTING CAN BE WEWY
UNFWATTERING.
PARTICUWAWY IF IT MAKES MY WEGS

UNFWATTERING.
PARTICUWAWY IF IT MAKES MY WEGS
LOOK WHITE.

PARTICUWAWY IF IT MAKES MY WEGS
LOOK WHITE.
BARBARA, AM I WONG TO WANT TO

LOOK WHITE.
BARBARA, AM I WONG TO WANT TO
APPEAW ATTWACTIVE?

BARBARA, AM I WONG TO WANT TO
APPEAW ATTWACTIVE?
NO, I THINK YOU'RE BEING VERY

APPEAW ATTWACTIVE?
NO, I THINK YOU'RE BEING VERY
WEASONABLE.

NO, I THINK YOU'RE BEING VERY
WEASONABLE.
HARRY WEASONER.

WEASONABLE.
HARRY WEASONER.
HARRY WEASONER.

HARRY WEASONER.
HARRY WEASONER.
$5 MILLION... I'M WICH.

HARRY WEASONER.
$5 MILLION... I'M WICH.
I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT IN

$5 MILLION... I'M WICH.
I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT IN
TEWEVISION.

I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT IN
TEWEVISION.
EXCUSE ME.

TEWEVISION.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU INTEWWUPTED ME.

EXCUSE ME.
YOU INTEWWUPTED ME.
WHERE WAS I?

YOU INTEWWUPTED ME.
WHERE WAS I?
YOU WERE SAYING THAT,

WHERE WAS I?
YOU WERE SAYING THAT,
CINEMATICWY, BWIGHT WIGHT CAN BE

YOU WERE SAYING THAT,
CINEMATICWY, BWIGHT WIGHT CAN BE
VEWY UNFWATTERING, PARTICUWAWY

CINEMATICWY, BWIGHT WIGHT CAN BE
VEWY UNFWATTERING, PARTICUWAWY
IF IT MAKES YOUR WEGS WOOK

VEWY UNFWATTERING, PARTICUWAWY
IF IT MAKES YOUR WEGS WOOK
WHITE.

IF IT MAKES YOUR WEGS WOOK
WHITE.
WIGHT.

WHITE.
WIGHT.
BEFORE WE GO, I JUST WANTED

WIGHT.
BEFORE WE GO, I JUST WANTED
TO MENTION WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FUR

BEFORE WE GO, I JUST WANTED
TO MENTION WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FUR
YOU HAVE ON.

TO MENTION WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FUR
YOU HAVE ON.
IS IT MINK?

YOU HAVE ON.
IS IT MINK?
THANK YOU.

IS IT MINK?
THANK YOU.
NO, IT IS JUST A SIWWY WABBIT.

THANK YOU.
NO, IT IS JUST A SIWWY WABBIT.
MARWENE, THANK YOU.

NO, IT IS JUST A SIWWY WABBIT.
MARWENE, THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN A PWEASURE TALKING TO

MARWENE, THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN A PWEASURE TALKING TO
YOU.

IT'S BEEN A PWEASURE TALKING TO
YOU.
BE SURE TO DWOP BY NEXT WEEK

YOU.
BE SURE TO DWOP BY NEXT WEEK
WHEN OUR SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE

BE SURE TO DWOP BY NEXT WEEK
WHEN OUR SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE
ELMEW FUDD.

WHEN OUR SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE
ELMEW FUDD.
GOOD NIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, THEN, THE MAN GETS BARE
NAKED IN BED WITH YOU, AND YOU
BOTH GO TO SLEEP, WHICH IS WHY

NAKED IN BED WITH YOU, AND YOU
BOTH GO TO SLEEP, WHICH IS WHY
THEY CALL IT "SLEEPING

BOTH GO TO SLEEP, WHICH IS WHY
THEY CALL IT "SLEEPING
TOGETHER."

THEY CALL IT "SLEEPING
TOGETHER."
THEN, YOU BOTH WAKE UP, AND THE

TOGETHER."
THEN, YOU BOTH WAKE UP, AND THE
MAN SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU SLIP

THEN, YOU BOTH WAKE UP, AND THE
MAN SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU SLIP
INTO SOMETHING MORE

MAN SAYS, "WHY DON'T YOU SLIP
INTO SOMETHING MORE
COMFORTABLE?"

INTO SOMETHING MORE
COMFORTABLE?"
NO, WAIT A SECOND.

COMFORTABLE?"
NO, WAIT A SECOND.
UM, NO, I THINK THAT COMES

NO, WAIT A SECOND.
UM, NO, I THINK THAT COMES
BEFORE.

UM, NO, I THINK THAT COMES
BEFORE.
ANYWAY, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

BEFORE.
ANYWAY, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

ANYWAY, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
ANYWAY, THEN, UH, THE MAN

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
ANYWAY, THEN, UH, THE MAN
SAYS...

ANYWAY, THEN, UH, THE MAN
SAYS...
GILDA, IT'S 5:00 A.M.

SAYS...
GILDA, IT'S 5:00 A.M.
WHEN DOES THE NOISE STOP?

GILDA, IT'S 5:00 A.M.
WHEN DOES THE NOISE STOP?
WE'RE... WE'RE GOING TO

WHEN DOES THE NOISE STOP?
WE'RE... WE'RE GOING TO
SLEEP NOW, MOM!

WE'RE... WE'RE GOING TO
SLEEP NOW, MOM!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AT

SLEEP NOW, MOM!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AT
THIS HOUR?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AT
THIS HOUR?
SCHOOL!

THIS HOUR?
SCHOOL!
WELL, SAVE IT FOR THE

SCHOOL!
WELL, SAVE IT FOR THE
MORNING.

WELL, SAVE IT FOR THE
MORNING.
AND THEN THE MAN...

MORNING.
AND THEN THE MAN...
ANYWAY...

AND THEN THE MAN...
ANYWAY...
[CLEARS THROAT]

ANYWAY...
[CLEARS THROAT]
THEN, THE MAN...

[CLEARS THROAT]
THEN, THE MAN...
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

THEN, THE MAN...
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
EWWW!

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
EWWW!
EWWW!

EWWW!
EWWW!
YE-E-E-CCH!

EWWW!
YE-E-E-CCH!
THAT'S DISGUSTING!

YE-E-E-CCH!
THAT'S DISGUSTING!
AND THEN YOU SCREAM, AND THEN

THAT'S DISGUSTING!
AND THEN YOU SCREAM, AND THEN
HE SCREAMS, AND THEN IT'S OVER.

AND THEN YOU SCREAM, AND THEN
HE SCREAMS, AND THEN IT'S OVER.
OHH! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

HE SCREAMS, AND THEN IT'S OVER.
OHH! THAT'S DISGUSTING!
YOU LIE, MADELINE!

OHH! THAT'S DISGUSTING!
YOU LIE, MADELINE!
CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO

YOU LIE, MADELINE!
CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO
DIE.

CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO
DIE.
MY BROTHER TOLD ME ABOUT IT IN

DIE.
MY BROTHER TOLD ME ABOUT IT IN
MY DRIVEWAY.

MY BROTHER TOLD ME ABOUT IT IN
MY DRIVEWAY.
YEAH, BUT YOUR BROTHER LIES,

MY DRIVEWAY.
YEAH, BUT YOUR BROTHER LIES,
MADELINE!

YEAH, BUT YOUR BROTHER LIES,
MADELINE!
NO, SI-I-R!

MADELINE!
NO, SI-I-R!
ISN'T... ISN'T HE THE ONE

NO, SI-I-R!
ISN'T... ISN'T HE THE ONE
THAT SAID IF YOU CHEW YOUR NAILS

ISN'T... ISN'T HE THE ONE
THAT SAID IF YOU CHEW YOUR NAILS
AND THEN SWALLOW THEM, A HAND

THAT SAID IF YOU CHEW YOUR NAILS
AND THEN SWALLOW THEM, A HAND
WILL GROW IN YOUR STOMACH?

AND THEN SWALLOW THEM, A HAND
WILL GROW IN YOUR STOMACH?
WELL, IT IS ALSO TRUE BECAUSE

WILL GROW IN YOUR STOMACH?
WELL, IT IS ALSO TRUE BECAUSE
I HAPPEN TO HAVE READ IT IN THIS

WELL, IT IS ALSO TRUE BECAUSE
I HAPPEN TO HAVE READ IT IN THIS
BOOK.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE READ IT IN THIS
BOOK.
WHAT DID IT SA-A-Y?

BOOK.
WHAT DID IT SA-A-Y?
IT SA-A-ID THE FIRST STEP IN

WHAT DID IT SA-A-Y?
IT SA-A-ID THE FIRST STEP IN
HUMAN REPRODUCTION IS THE MAN...

IT SA-A-ID THE FIRST STEP IN
HUMAN REPRODUCTION IS THE MAN...
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

HUMAN REPRODUCTION IS THE MAN...
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
EWWW!

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
EWWW!
AAAAGH!

EWWW!
AAAAGH!
EWW! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

AAAAGH!
EWW! THAT'S DISGUSTING!
AAAGGGHH!

EWW! THAT'S DISGUSTING!
AAAGGGHH!
IT'S TRUE!

AAAGGGHH!
IT'S TRUE!
WELL, I JUST KNOW IT CAN'T BE

IT'S TRUE!
WELL, I JUST KNOW IT CAN'T BE
TRUE BECAUSE NOTHING THAT

WELL, I JUST KNOW IT CAN'T BE
TRUE BECAUSE NOTHING THAT
SICKENING IS TRUE.

TRUE BECAUSE NOTHING THAT
SICKENING IS TRUE.
BOOGERS ARE TRUE.

SICKENING IS TRUE.
BOOGERS ARE TRUE.
WELL, I MAINLY DON'T BELIEVE

BOOGERS ARE TRUE.
WELL, I MAINLY DON'T BELIEVE
IT BECAUSE MY SISTER TOLD ME SHE

WELL, I MAINLY DON'T BELIEVE
IT BECAUSE MY SISTER TOLD ME SHE
HEARD THAT THERE'S THIS GIRL

IT BECAUSE MY SISTER TOLD ME SHE
HEARD THAT THERE'S THIS GIRL
THAT THIS GUY JUMPED OUT OF THE

HEARD THAT THERE'S THIS GIRL
THAT THIS GUY JUMPED OUT OF THE
BUSHES AND FORCED HER TO HAVE A

THAT THIS GUY JUMPED OUT OF THE
BUSHES AND FORCED HER TO HAVE A
BABY.

BUSHES AND FORCED HER TO HAVE A
BABY.
HOW?

BABY.
HOW?
I DON'T KNOW.

HOW?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE... HE JUST SAID, "HAVE A BABY

I DON'T KNOW.
HE... HE JUST SAID, "HAVE A BABY
RIGHT NOW!"

HE... HE JUST SAID, "HAVE A BABY
RIGHT NOW!"
SURE, SURE.

RIGHT NOW!"
SURE, SURE.
SURE, GILDA.

SURE, SURE.
SURE, GILDA.
AND YOU THINK THAT THAT WOULD

SURE, GILDA.
AND YOU THINK THAT THAT WOULD
WORK IF I DID IT TO YOU, THEN?

AND YOU THINK THAT THAT WOULD
WORK IF I DID IT TO YOU, THEN?
DON'T, OKAY?

WORK IF I DID IT TO YOU, THEN?
DON'T, OKAY?
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

DON'T, OKAY?
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT 'CAUSE I

WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT 'CAUSE I
WON'T.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT 'CAUSE I
WON'T.
ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T... IT

WON'T.
ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T... IT
WOULDN'T EVEN WORK BECAUSE THAT

ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T... IT
WOULDN'T EVEN WORK BECAUSE THAT
IS NOT THE WAY IT IS DONE.

WOULDN'T EVEN WORK BECAUSE THAT
IS NOT THE WAY IT IS DONE.
HOW IT IS DONE IS, THE MAN...

IS NOT THE WAY IT IS DONE.
HOW IT IS DONE IS, THE MAN...
OH, DON'T SAY IT AGAIN, OKAY?

HOW IT IS DONE IS, THE MAN...
OH, DON'T SAY IT AGAIN, OKAY?
I JUST ATE HALF A PIZZA, OKAY?

OH, DON'T SAY IT AGAIN, OKAY?
I JUST ATE HALF A PIZZA, OKAY?
SO THAT'S WHY PEOPLE ARE BORN

I JUST ATE HALF A PIZZA, OKAY?
SO THAT'S WHY PEOPLE ARE BORN
NAKED?

SO THAT'S WHY PEOPLE ARE BORN
NAKED?
YEAH!

NAKED?
YEAH!
GOD, BUT HOW COULD YOU FACE

YEAH!
GOD, BUT HOW COULD YOU FACE
THE GUY AFTERWARDS?

GOD, BUT HOW COULD YOU FACE
THE GUY AFTERWARDS?
I MEAN, WOULDN'T YOU BE SO

THE GUY AFTERWARDS?
I MEAN, WOULDN'T YOU BE SO
EMBARRASSED?

EMBARRASSED?
I'D HAVE TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT

I'D HAVE TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT
AFTER.

AFTER.
I MEAN, I GET EMBARRASSED WHEN I

I MEAN, I GET EMBARRASSED WHEN I
KNOW WHEN SOMEONE'S SITTING NEXT

KNOW WHEN SOMEONE'S SITTING NEXT
TO ME THEY COULD SEE INSIDE MY

TO ME THEY COULD SEE INSIDE MY
EAR.
THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD ONLY

EAR.
THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD ONLY
DO IT AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED,

THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD ONLY
DO IT AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED,
BECAUSE THEN YOU WON'T BE SO

DO IT AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED,
BECAUSE THEN YOU WON'T BE SO
EMBARRASSED IN FRONT OF YOUR

BECAUSE THEN YOU WON'T BE SO
EMBARRASSED IN FRONT OF YOUR
HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU WILL BE IN

EMBARRASSED IN FRONT OF YOUR
HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU WILL BE IN
THE SAME FAMILY.

HUSBAND BECAUSE YOU WILL BE IN
THE SAME FAMILY.
OH, YEAH, NOW I REALLY WANT

THE SAME FAMILY.
OH, YEAH, NOW I REALLY WANT
TO GET MARRIED... NOT!

OH, YEAH, NOW I REALLY WANT
TO GET MARRIED... NOT!
BUT!

TO GET MARRIED... NOT!
BUT!
BUT THE WORST THING IS...

BUT!
BUT THE WORST THING IS...
OUR PARENTS DO IT.

BUT THE WORST THING IS...
OUR PARENTS DO IT.
COME ON!

OUR PARENTS DO IT.
COME ON!
YES.

COME ON!
YES.
THINK ABOUT IT.

YES.
THINK ABOUT IT.
JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

THINK ABOUT IT.
JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, NONE OF US WOULD BE HERE

JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, NONE OF US WOULD BE HERE
UNLESS OUR PARENTS DID IT AT

I MEAN, NONE OF US WOULD BE HERE
UNLESS OUR PARENTS DID IT AT
LEAST ONCE.

UNLESS OUR PARENTS DID IT AT
LEAST ONCE.
MY PARENTS DID IT AT LEAST

LEAST ONCE.
MY PARENTS DID IT AT LEAST
TWICE.

MY PARENTS DID IT AT LEAST
TWICE.
I HAVE A SISTER.

TWICE.
I HAVE A SISTER.
MY PARENTS DID IT AT LEAST

I HAVE A SISTER.
MY PARENTS DID IT AT LEAST
THREE TIMES.

MY PARENTS DID IT AT LEAST
THREE TIMES.
I HAVE A SISTER AND A BROTHER.

THREE TIMES.
I HAVE A SISTER AND A BROTHER.
BUT I-I KNOW THEY DIDN'T DO IT

I HAVE A SISTER AND A BROTHER.
BUT I-I KNOW THEY DIDN'T DO IT
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO.

BUT I-I KNOW THEY DIDN'T DO IT
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO.
THEY DID IT BECAUSE THEY HAD TO,

BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO.
THEY DID IT BECAUSE THEY HAD TO,
TO HAVE CHILDREN.

THEY DID IT BECAUSE THEY HAD TO,
TO HAVE CHILDREN.
THEY COULD HAVE ADOPTED.

TO HAVE CHILDREN.
THEY COULD HAVE ADOPTED.
YEAH, BUT ADOPTED CHILDREN

THEY COULD HAVE ADOPTED.
YEAH, BUT ADOPTED CHILDREN
ARE SUCH A PAIN.

YEAH, BUT ADOPTED CHILDREN
ARE SUCH A PAIN.
YOU HAVE TO TEACH THEM TO LOOK

ARE SUCH A PAIN.
YOU HAVE TO TEACH THEM TO LOOK
LIKE YOU.

YOU HAVE TO TEACH THEM TO LOOK
LIKE YOU.
WELL, MY FATHER WOULD NEVER

LIKE YOU.
WELL, MY FATHER WOULD NEVER
DO ANYTHING SO DISGUSTING LIKE

WELL, MY FATHER WOULD NEVER
DO ANYTHING SO DISGUSTING LIKE
THAT TO MY MOM.

DO ANYTHING SO DISGUSTING LIKE
THAT TO MY MOM.
HE'S TOO POLITE.

THAT TO MY MOM.
HE'S TOO POLITE.
MY FATHER IS POLITE.

HE'S TOO POLITE.
MY FATHER IS POLITE.
AND WE HAVE SIX KIDS.

MY FATHER IS POLITE.
AND WE HAVE SIX KIDS.
MAYBE HE'S NOT AS POLITE AS

AND WE HAVE SIX KIDS.
MAYBE HE'S NOT AS POLITE AS
YOU THINK HE IS.

MAYBE HE'S NOT AS POLITE AS
YOU THINK HE IS.
I WONDER WHOSE IDEA THIS WAS.

YOU THINK HE IS.
I WONDER WHOSE IDEA THIS WAS.
GOD'S.

I WONDER WHOSE IDEA THIS WAS.
GOD'S.
OH, COME ON!

GOD'S.
OH, COME ON!
GOD DOESN'T GO AROUND THINKING

OH, COME ON!
GOD DOESN'T GO AROUND THINKING
UP SICKENING THINGS FOR PEOPLE

GOD DOESN'T GO AROUND THINKING
UP SICKENING THINGS FOR PEOPLE
TO DO.

UP SICKENING THINGS FOR PEOPLE
TO DO.
MAYBE GOD MAKES US DO IT SO

TO DO.
MAYBE GOD MAKES US DO IT SO
WE CAN APPRECIATE HOW GOOD THE

MAYBE GOD MAKES US DO IT SO
WE CAN APPRECIATE HOW GOOD THE
REST OF OUR LIFE IS.

WE CAN APPRECIATE HOW GOOD THE
REST OF OUR LIFE IS.
YEAH, MAYBE!

REST OF OUR LIFE IS.
YEAH, MAYBE!
SO... SO, LIKE, HOW LONG DOES

YEAH, MAYBE!
SO... SO, LIKE, HOW LONG DOES
IT TAKE?

SO... SO, LIKE, HOW LONG DOES
IT TAKE?
STUPID!

IT TAKE?
STUPID!
DEPENDS ON HOW BIG THE GIRL'S

STUPID!
DEPENDS ON HOW BIG THE GIRL'S
STOMACH IS AND HOW FAST SHE CAN

DEPENDS ON HOW BIG THE GIRL'S
STOMACH IS AND HOW FAST SHE CAN
DIGEST.

STOMACH IS AND HOW FAST SHE CAN
DIGEST.
OH.

DIGEST.
OH.
CAN YOU TALK DURING IT?

OH.
CAN YOU TALK DURING IT?
GOD!

CAN YOU TALK DURING IT?
GOD!
YOU HAVE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH, OR

GOD!
YOU HAVE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH, OR
ELSE IT DOESN'T WORK.

ELSE IT DOESN'T WORK.
WELL, I'M JUST TELLING MY

WELL, I'M JUST TELLING MY
HUSBAND I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.

HUSBAND I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
TOUGH BEANSIES, GOD!

TOUGH BEANSIES, GOD!
WHAT IF HE SAYS HE WILL GET

WHAT IF HE SAYS HE WILL GET
DIVORCED FROM YOU IF YOU DON'T

DIVORCED FROM YOU IF YOU DON'T
DO IT?

DO IT?
I'D NEVER MARRY ANYBODY LIKE

I'D NEVER MARRY ANYBODY LIKE
THAT.

THAT.
WELL, WHAT IF YOU DID BY

WELL, WHAT IF YOU DID BY
ACCIDENT?

ACCIDENT?
I MEAN, WHAT IF YOU MET HIM IN A

I MEAN, WHAT IF YOU MET HIM IN A
WAR, AND YOU MARRIED HIM REAL

WAR, AND YOU MARRIED HIM REAL
FAST BECAUSE YOU FELT SORRY FOR

FAST BECAUSE YOU FELT SORRY FOR
HIM BECAUSE HE WOULD PROBABLY

HIM BECAUSE HE WOULD PROBABLY
GET KILLED?

GET KILLED?
ONLY HE DIDN'T GET KILLED, AND

ONLY HE DIDN'T GET KILLED, AND
THEN YOU WOULD BE STUCK WITH

THEN YOU WOULD BE STUCK WITH
HIM.
WAIT A MINUTE.

HIM.
WAIT A MINUTE.
LET'S MAKE THIS PACT RIGHT NOW

WAIT A MINUTE.
LET'S MAKE THIS PACT RIGHT NOW
THAT IF WE EVER GET MARRIED, AND

LET'S MAKE THIS PACT RIGHT NOW
THAT IF WE EVER GET MARRIED, AND
OUR HUSBANDS MAKE US DO IT,

THAT IF WE EVER GET MARRIED, AND
OUR HUSBANDS MAKE US DO IT,
WE'LL CALL EACH OTHER UP ON THE

OUR HUSBANDS MAKE US DO IT,
WE'LL CALL EACH OTHER UP ON THE
PHONE EVERY DAY AND TALK A LOT

WE'LL CALL EACH OTHER UP ON THE
PHONE EVERY DAY AND TALK A LOT
TO KEEP OUR MINDS OFF OF IT,

PHONE EVERY DAY AND TALK A LOT
TO KEEP OUR MINDS OFF OF IT,
JUST LIKE OUR MOTHERS DO.

TO KEEP OUR MINDS OFF OF IT,
JUST LIKE OUR MOTHERS DO.
RIGHT!

JUST LIKE OUR MOTHERS DO.
RIGHT!
RIGHT.

RIGHT!
RIGHT.
RIGHT, BECAUSE IT'S

RIGHT.
RIGHT, BECAUSE IT'S
DISGUSTING!

RIGHT, BECAUSE IT'S
DISGUSTING!
OOAAGGHH!

DISGUSTING!
OOAAGGHH!
WELL, DON'T WORRY.

OOAAGGHH!
WELL, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO KEEP THIS

WELL, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO KEEP THIS
PACT BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL NEVER

WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO KEEP THIS
PACT BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL NEVER
DO IT.

PACT BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL NEVER
DO IT.
ME NEITHER.

DO IT.
ME NEITHER.
ME NEITHER.

ME NEITHER.
ME NEITHER.
I MIGHT.

ME NEITHER.
I MIGHT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO.
I'M MARK MBUTU FROM THE NEWLY
EMERGING AFRICAN NATION OF

I'M MARK MBUTU FROM THE NEWLY
EMERGING AFRICAN NATION OF
NAMIBIA, A FORMER GERMAN COLONY

EMERGING AFRICAN NATION OF
NAMIBIA, A FORMER GERMAN COLONY
LOCATED IN SOUTHWEST AFRICA.

NAMIBIA, A FORMER GERMAN COLONY
LOCATED IN SOUTHWEST AFRICA.
NAMIBIA IS AN UNDEVELOPED

LOCATED IN SOUTHWEST AFRICA.
NAMIBIA IS AN UNDEVELOPED
NATION, AND WE ARE APPEALING TO

NAMIBIA IS AN UNDEVELOPED
NATION, AND WE ARE APPEALING TO
YOU AS WORLD CITIZENS.

NATION, AND WE ARE APPEALING TO
YOU AS WORLD CITIZENS.
WE NEED YOUR FONDUE SETS.

YOU AS WORLD CITIZENS.
WE NEED YOUR FONDUE SETS.
MANY PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES

WE NEED YOUR FONDUE SETS.
MANY PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES
RECEIVED THESE FONDUE SETS AS

MANY PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES
RECEIVED THESE FONDUE SETS AS
GIFTS FOR ANNIVERSARIES,

RECEIVED THESE FONDUE SETS AS
GIFTS FOR ANNIVERSARIES,
BIRTHDAYS, AND HOUSEWARMINGS AND

GIFTS FOR ANNIVERSARIES,
BIRTHDAYS, AND HOUSEWARMINGS AND
OFTEN PUT THEM UP ON A SHELF AND

BIRTHDAYS, AND HOUSEWARMINGS AND
OFTEN PUT THEM UP ON A SHELF AND
FORGET ABOUT THEM.

OFTEN PUT THEM UP ON A SHELF AND
FORGET ABOUT THEM.
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF NAMIBIAN

FORGET ABOUT THEM.
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF NAMIBIAN
HOUSEWIVES WHO COULD CHEER UP AN

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF NAMIBIAN
HOUSEWIVES WHO COULD CHEER UP AN
OTHERWISE DULL DINNER PARTY WITH

HOUSEWIVES WHO COULD CHEER UP AN
OTHERWISE DULL DINNER PARTY WITH
ONE OF THESE SETS.

OTHERWISE DULL DINNER PARTY WITH
ONE OF THESE SETS.
OH, PLEASE THINK. PLEASE GIVE.

ONE OF THESE SETS.
OH, PLEASE THINK. PLEASE GIVE.
PLEASE SEND.

OH, PLEASE THINK. PLEASE GIVE.
PLEASE SEND.
WE ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH OF THE

PLEASE SEND.
WE ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH OF THE
LITTLE STERNO CANS FOR

WE ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH OF THE
LITTLE STERNO CANS FOR
UNDERNEATH THESE SETS FROM WHEN

LITTLE STERNO CANS FOR
UNDERNEATH THESE SETS FROM WHEN
THE GERMANS WERE HERE, SO ONLY

UNDERNEATH THESE SETS FROM WHEN
THE GERMANS WERE HERE, SO ONLY
SEND THE FONDUE POTS THEMSELVES,

THE GERMANS WERE HERE, SO ONLY
SEND THE FONDUE POTS THEMSELVES,
AND THE LONG FORKS IF YOU HAVE

SEND THE FONDUE POTS THEMSELVES,
AND THE LONG FORKS IF YOU HAVE
THEM.

AND THE LONG FORKS IF YOU HAVE
THEM.
OUR ADDRESS IS...

AH, AND WE WISH TO THANK
MR. AND MRS. NORMAN PRAGER FOR
SENDING US THE WATERPIK AND THE

MR. AND MRS. NORMAN PRAGER FOR
SENDING US THE WATERPIK AND THE
DELUXE TOASTER OVEN.

SENDING US THE WATERPIK AND THE
DELUXE TOASTER OVEN.
THANK YOU!

I DON'T THINK THESE LOOK
GIRLISH.
LOOK GOOD TO ME.

GIRLISH.
LOOK GOOD TO ME.
CHEVY?

LOOK GOOD TO ME.
CHEVY?
CHEVY CHASE, IS THAT YOU?

CHEVY?
CHEVY CHASE, IS THAT YOU?
IT'S ME, SCRED. REMEMBER?

CHEVY CHASE, IS THAT YOU?
IT'S ME, SCRED. REMEMBER?
SCRED?

IT'S ME, SCRED. REMEMBER?
SCRED?
YEAH.

SCRED?
YEAH.
HEY, SCRED, NICE TO SEE YOU.

YEAH.
HEY, SCRED, NICE TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, REMEMBER?

HEY, SCRED, NICE TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, REMEMBER?
I USED TO HAVE THAT DRESSING

YEAH, REMEMBER?
I USED TO HAVE THAT DRESSING
ROOM OVER THERE UNDER THE SINK?

I USED TO HAVE THAT DRESSING
ROOM OVER THERE UNDER THE SINK?
OH, YEAH.

ROOM OVER THERE UNDER THE SINK?
OH, YEAH.
HEY, LISTEN.

OH, YEAH.
HEY, LISTEN.
YOU KNOW, WE WERE ALL PRETTY

HEY, LISTEN.
YOU KNOW, WE WERE ALL PRETTY
SORRY TO HEAR YOU GUYS GOT

YOU KNOW, WE WERE ALL PRETTY
SORRY TO HEAR YOU GUYS GOT
CANCELED, SCRED, BUT, YOU KNOW,

SORRY TO HEAR YOU GUYS GOT
CANCELED, SCRED, BUT, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS.

CANCELED, SCRED, BUT, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS.
I MEAN, ONE DAY, YOU'RE ON TOP

THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS.
I MEAN, ONE DAY, YOU'RE ON TOP
OF THE WORLD.

I MEAN, ONE DAY, YOU'RE ON TOP
OF THE WORLD.
THE NEXT DAY, YOU'RE INSIDE A

OF THE WORLD.
THE NEXT DAY, YOU'RE INSIDE A
TRUNK.

THE NEXT DAY, YOU'RE INSIDE A
TRUNK.
I GUESS THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

TRUNK.
I GUESS THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
YEAH, LET ME GET OUT OF HERE.

I GUESS THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
YEAH, LET ME GET OUT OF HERE.
HEY.

YEAH, LET ME GET OUT OF HERE.
HEY.
HEY, LISTEN.

HEY.
HEY, LISTEN.
LISTEN, CHEVY.

HEY, LISTEN.
LISTEN, CHEVY.
YEAH.

LISTEN, CHEVY.
YEAH.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD

YEAH.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD
TALK TO THE PRODUCER,

DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD
TALK TO THE PRODUCER,
LORNE MICHAELS, AND ASK HIM TO

TALK TO THE PRODUCER,
LORNE MICHAELS, AND ASK HIM TO
LET US BACK ON THE SHOW, HUH?

LORNE MICHAELS, AND ASK HIM TO
LET US BACK ON THE SHOW, HUH?
DON'T YOU THINK SO, HUH, HUH?

LET US BACK ON THE SHOW, HUH?
DON'T YOU THINK SO, HUH, HUH?
DON'T YOU THINK?

DON'T YOU THINK SO, HUH, HUH?
DON'T YOU THINK?
WELL, SCRED, I DON'T KNOW.

DON'T YOU THINK?
WELL, SCRED, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, NOW THE SHOW'S A HIT,

WELL, SCRED, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, NOW THE SHOW'S A HIT,
AND IT'S A PRETTY BIG SUCCESS,

I MEAN, NOW THE SHOW'S A HIT,
AND IT'S A PRETTY BIG SUCCESS,
AND I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE KIND

AND IT'S A PRETTY BIG SUCCESS,
AND I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE KIND
OF GONE TO LORNE'S HEAD, YOU

AND I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE KIND
OF GONE TO LORNE'S HEAD, YOU
KNOW?

OF GONE TO LORNE'S HEAD, YOU
KNOW?
I MEAN, RIGHT NOW HE'S NOT EVEN

KNOW?
I MEAN, RIGHT NOW HE'S NOT EVEN
HERE.

I MEAN, RIGHT NOW HE'S NOT EVEN
HERE.
I THINK HE'S OUT HAVING DINNER

HERE.
I THINK HE'S OUT HAVING DINNER
WITH LEE RADZIWILL OR SOMETHING.

I THINK HE'S OUT HAVING DINNER
WITH LEE RADZIWILL OR SOMETHING.
SO...

WITH LEE RADZIWILL OR SOMETHING.
SO...
NO WONDER HE'S NOT INTERESTED

SO...
NO WONDER HE'S NOT INTERESTED
IN US ANYMORE.

NO WONDER HE'S NOT INTERESTED
IN US ANYMORE.
YEAH.

IN US ANYMORE.
YEAH.
I THINK THE MAN'S GOTTEN A

YEAH.
I THINK THE MAN'S GOTTEN A
LITTLE TOO BIG TO WORK WITH

I THINK THE MAN'S GOTTEN A
LITTLE TOO BIG TO WORK WITH
FELT ANYMORE, SCRED.

LITTLE TOO BIG TO WORK WITH
FELT ANYMORE, SCRED.
[GROANS]

FELT ANYMORE, SCRED.
[GROANS]
I'M SORRY.

[GROANS]
I'M SORRY.
HEY, CHEVY?

I'M SORRY.
HEY, CHEVY?
[CLEARS THROAT]

HEY, CHEVY?
[CLEARS THROAT]
LISTEN.

[CLEARS THROAT]
LISTEN.
I HEAR THAT LORNE'S TRYING TO

LISTEN.
I HEAR THAT LORNE'S TRYING TO
GET THE BEATLES FOR THE SHOW,

I HEAR THAT LORNE'S TRYING TO
GET THE BEATLES FOR THE SHOW,
HUH?

GET THE BEATLES FOR THE SHOW,
HUH?
HE'S HAD LUNCH FOUR TIMES

HUH?
HE'S HAD LUNCH FOUR TIMES
WITH PETER BEST.

HE'S HAD LUNCH FOUR TIMES
WITH PETER BEST.
SCRED, COULD YOU USE A MOUTHWASH

WITH PETER BEST.
SCRED, COULD YOU USE A MOUTHWASH
OR SOMETHING?

SCRED, COULD YOU USE A MOUTHWASH
OR SOMETHING?
SORRY.

OR SOMETHING?
SORRY.
BUT LISTEN.

SORRY.
BUT LISTEN.
[CLEARS THROAT]

BUT LISTEN.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO HAPPENS TO

[CLEARS THROAT]
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO HAPPENS TO
KNOW THE BEATLES PERSONALLY.

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO HAPPENS TO
KNOW THE BEATLES PERSONALLY.
REALLY? WHO?

KNOW THE BEATLES PERSONALLY.
REALLY? WHO?
♪ SHE LOVES YOU,

REALLY? WHO?
♪ SHE LOVES YOU,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ SHE LOVES YOU,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
TELL MICHAELS HE TAKES BACK

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
TELL MICHAELS HE TAKES BACK
THE MUPPETS... I THROW IN

TELL MICHAELS HE TAKES BACK
THE MUPPETS... I THROW IN
THE BEATLES FOR NOTHING.

THE MUPPETS... I THROW IN
THE BEATLES FOR NOTHING.
FAVOG, YOU SURE WE'RE TALKING

THE BEATLES FOR NOTHING.
FAVOG, YOU SURE WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT THE SAME BEATLES?

FAVOG, YOU SURE WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT THE SAME BEATLES?
THE, UH...

ABOUT THE SAME BEATLES?
THE, UH...
♪ OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA,

THE, UH...
♪ OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA,
LIFE GOES ON, RAAAH ♪

♪ OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA,
LIFE GOES ON, RAAAH ♪
BEATLES?

LIFE GOES ON, RAAAH ♪
BEATLES?
THOSE THE ONES?

BEATLES?
THOSE THE ONES?
THOSE ARE THE ONES.

THOSE THE ONES?
THOSE ARE THE ONES.
YEAH.

THOSE ARE THE ONES.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW THEM, HUH?

YEAH.
YOU KNOW THEM, HUH?
ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU KNOW THEM, HUH?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I AM THE WALRUS.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
I AM THE WALRUS.
IS THAT TRUE? REALLY?

I AM THE WALRUS.
IS THAT TRUE? REALLY?
HMM, I THOUGHT YOU WAS

IS THAT TRUE? REALLY?
HMM, I THOUGHT YOU WAS
THE EGGMAN.

HMM, I THOUGHT YOU WAS
THE EGGMAN.
SCRED, TELL HIM.

THE EGGMAN.
SCRED, TELL HIM.
OH, YEAH.

SCRED, TELL HIM.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, REMEMBER WHEN THE BEATLES

OH, YEAH.
HEY, REMEMBER WHEN THE BEATLES
WENT TO INDIA?

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN THE BEATLES
WENT TO INDIA?
YEAH, TO SEE THE MAHARISHI,

WENT TO INDIA?
YEAH, TO SEE THE MAHARISHI,
RIGHT?

YEAH, TO SEE THE MAHARISHI,
RIGHT?
UNH-UNH.

RIGHT?
UNH-UNH.
UNH-UNH.

UNH-UNH.
UNH-UNH.
OM.

UNH-UNH.
OM.
MANI PADME HUM, YEAH, YEAH.

OM.
MANI PADME HUM, YEAH, YEAH.
AND TELL HIM ABOUT THE TIME YOU

MANI PADME HUM, YEAH, YEAH.
AND TELL HIM ABOUT THE TIME YOU
TOLD...

AND TELL HIM ABOUT THE TIME YOU
TOLD...
UH, SCRED, SCRED.

TOLD...
UH, SCRED, SCRED.
I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT.

UH, SCRED, SCRED.
I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT.
WELL, LISTEN, FELLAS.

I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT.
WELL, LISTEN, FELLAS.
I'LL CERTAINLY TELL LORNE ABOUT

WELL, LISTEN, FELLAS.
I'LL CERTAINLY TELL LORNE ABOUT
THIS.

I'LL CERTAINLY TELL LORNE ABOUT
THIS.
HEY, TELL HIM.

THIS.
HEY, TELL HIM.
TELL HIM HE TAKES THE MUPPETS,

HEY, TELL HIM.
TELL HIM HE TAKES THE MUPPETS,
THE BEATLES ARE GRAVY.

TELL HIM HE TAKES THE MUPPETS,
THE BEATLES ARE GRAVY.
GOT IT?

THE BEATLES ARE GRAVY.
GOT IT?
GREAT, OKAY.

GOT IT?
GREAT, OKAY.
I'LL TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.

GREAT, OKAY.
I'LL TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.
SCRED, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I'LL TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.
SCRED, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OKAY, SO LONG.

SCRED, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OKAY, SO LONG.
OKAY.

OKAY, SO LONG.
OKAY.
OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, YOU'VE DONE

OKAY.
OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, YOU'VE DONE
IT AGAIN.

OH, MIGHTY FAVOG, YOU'VE DONE
IT AGAIN.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

IT AGAIN.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE A NEW MUPPET.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE A NEW MUPPET.
AND IN THE END, THE LOVE YOU

I FEEL LIKE A NEW MUPPET.
AND IN THE END, THE LOVE YOU
THINK IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU

AND IN THE END, THE LOVE YOU
THINK IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU
MAKE.

THINK IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU
MAKE.
♪ STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER ♪

MAKE.
♪ STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
[LIGHTNING CRASHES]
VINCE!

[LIGHTNING CRASHES]
VINCE!
THE STORM... IT'S PASSING OVER

VINCE!
THE STORM... IT'S PASSING OVER
THE MOUNTAIN.

THE STORM... IT'S PASSING OVER
THE MOUNTAIN.
SEND UP THE KITES!

THE MOUNTAIN.
SEND UP THE KITES!
SEND UP THE KITES.

SEND UP THE KITES!
SEND UP THE KITES.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

SEND UP THE KITES.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
SEND UP THE KITES!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
SEND UP THE KITES!
[LIGHTNING CRASHES]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

IT LIVES!

[INTRO TO "I FEEL PRETTY"
PLAYS]

♪ I FEEL PRETTY ♪
♪ OH, SO PRETTY ♪
♪ I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY

♪ OH, SO PRETTY ♪
♪ I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY
AND BRIGHT ♪

♪ I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY
AND BRIGHT ♪
♪ AND I PITY

AND BRIGHT ♪
♪ AND I PITY
ANY GIRL WHO ISN'T ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ AND I PITY
ANY GIRL WHO ISN'T ME TONIGHT ♪
♪ I FEEL STUNNING ♪

ANY GIRL WHO ISN'T ME TONIGHT ♪
♪ I FEEL STUNNING ♪
♪ OH, SO CHARMING ♪

♪ I FEEL STUNNING ♪
♪ OH, SO CHARMING ♪
♪ IT'S ALARMING

♪ OH, SO CHARMING ♪
♪ IT'S ALARMING
HOW CHARMING I FEEL ♪

♪ IT'S ALARMING
HOW CHARMING I FEEL ♪
♪ AND SO PRETTY

HOW CHARMING I FEEL ♪
♪ AND SO PRETTY
THAT I HARDLY CAN BELIEVE

♪ AND SO PRETTY
THAT I HARDLY CAN BELIEVE
I'M REAL ♪

THAT I HARDLY CAN BELIEVE
I'M REAL ♪
♪ SEE THE PRETTY GIRL

I'M REAL ♪
♪ SEE THE PRETTY GIRL
IN THAT MIRROR THERE? ♪

♪ SEE THE PRETTY GIRL
IN THAT MIRROR THERE? ♪
♪ WHO CAN THAT ATTRACTIVE GIRL

IN THAT MIRROR THERE? ♪
♪ WHO CAN THAT ATTRACTIVE GIRL
BE? ♪

♪ WHO CAN THAT ATTRACTIVE GIRL
BE? ♪
♪ SUCH A PRETTY FACE,

BE? ♪
♪ SUCH A PRETTY FACE,
SUCH A PRETTY DRESS,

♪ SUCH A PRETTY FACE,
SUCH A PRETTY DRESS,
SUCH A PRETTY SMILE,

SUCH A PRETTY DRESS,
SUCH A PRETTY SMILE,
SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪

SUCH A PRETTY SMILE,
SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪
♪ I FEEL STUNNING

SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪
♪ I FEEL STUNNING
AND ENTRANCING ♪

♪ I FEEL STUNNING
AND ENTRANCING ♪
♪ FEEL LIKE RUNNING AND DANCING

AND ENTRANCING ♪
♪ FEEL LIKE RUNNING AND DANCING
FOR JOY ♪

♪ FEEL LIKE RUNNING AND DANCING
FOR JOY ♪
♪ FOR I'M LOVED

FOR JOY ♪
♪ FOR I'M LOVED
BY A PRETTY WONDERFUL BOY ♪

♪ FOR I'M LOVED
BY A PRETTY WONDERFUL BOY ♪
[SHRIEKS]

BY A PRETTY WONDERFUL BOY ♪
[SHRIEKS]
♪ HAVE YOU MET MY GOOD FRIEND

[SHRIEKS]
♪ HAVE YOU MET MY GOOD FRIEND
MARIA? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU MET MY GOOD FRIEND
MARIA? ♪
♪ THE CRAZIEST GIRL

MARIA? ♪
♪ THE CRAZIEST GIRL
ON THE BLOCK ♪

♪ THE CRAZIEST GIRL
ON THE BLOCK ♪
♪ YOU'LL KNOW HER

ON THE BLOCK ♪
♪ YOU'LL KNOW HER
THE MINUTE YOU SEE HER ♪

♪ YOU'LL KNOW HER
THE MINUTE YOU SEE HER ♪
♪ SHE'S THE ONE WHO IS IN

THE MINUTE YOU SEE HER ♪
♪ SHE'S THE ONE WHO IS IN
AN ADVANCED STATE OF SHOCK ♪

♪ SHE'S THE ONE WHO IS IN
AN ADVANCED STATE OF SHOCK ♪
♪ SHE THINKS SHE'S IN LOVE ♪

AN ADVANCED STATE OF SHOCK ♪
♪ SHE THINKS SHE'S IN LOVE ♪
♪ SHE THINKS SHE'S IN SPAIN ♪

♪ SHE THINKS SHE'S IN LOVE ♪
♪ SHE THINKS SHE'S IN SPAIN ♪
♪ SHE ISN'T IN LOVE ♪

♪ SHE THINKS SHE'S IN SPAIN ♪
♪ SHE ISN'T IN LOVE ♪
♪ SHE'S MERELY INSANE ♪

♪ SHE ISN'T IN LOVE ♪
♪ SHE'S MERELY INSANE ♪
♪ IT MUST BE THE HEAT

♪ SHE'S MERELY INSANE ♪
♪ IT MUST BE THE HEAT
OR SOME RARE DISEASE ♪

♪ IT MUST BE THE HEAT
OR SOME RARE DISEASE ♪
♪ OR TOO MUCH TO EAT ♪

OR SOME RARE DISEASE ♪
♪ OR TOO MUCH TO EAT ♪
♪ OR MAYBE IT'S FLEAS ♪

♪ OR TOO MUCH TO EAT ♪
♪ OR MAYBE IT'S FLEAS ♪
♪ KEEP AWAY FROM HER ♪

♪ OR MAYBE IT'S FLEAS ♪
♪ KEEP AWAY FROM HER ♪
♪ SEND FOR CHINO ♪

♪ KEEP AWAY FROM HER ♪
♪ SEND FOR CHINO ♪
♪ THIS IS NOT THE MARIA

♪ SEND FOR CHINO ♪
♪ THIS IS NOT THE MARIA
WE KNOW ♪

♪ THIS IS NOT THE MARIA
WE KNOW ♪
♪ MODEST AND PURE,

WE KNOW ♪
♪ MODEST AND PURE,
POLITE AND REFINED,

♪ MODEST AND PURE,
POLITE AND REFINED,
WELL-BRED AND MATURE ♪

POLITE AND REFINED,
WELL-BRED AND MATURE ♪
♪ AND OUT OF HER MIND ♪

WELL-BRED AND MATURE ♪
♪ AND OUT OF HER MIND ♪
HA HA!

♪ AND OUT OF HER MIND ♪
HA HA!
AAHHH!

HA HA!
AAHHH!
MISS AMERICA, SPEAK!

AAHHH!
MISS AMERICA, SPEAK!
MISS AMERICA, SPEAK.

MISS AMERICA, SPEAK!
MISS AMERICA, SPEAK.
♪ I FEEL PRETTY,

MISS AMERICA, SPEAK.
♪ I FEEL PRETTY,
OH, SO PRETTY

♪ I FEEL PRETTY,
OH, SO PRETTY
THAT THE CITY

OH, SO PRETTY
THAT THE CITY
SHOULD GIVE ME ITS KEY ♪

THAT THE CITY
SHOULD GIVE ME ITS KEY ♪
♪ A COMMITTEE SHOULD BE

SHOULD GIVE ME ITS KEY ♪
♪ A COMMITTEE SHOULD BE
ORGANIZED TO HONOR ME ♪

♪ A COMMITTEE SHOULD BE
ORGANIZED TO HONOR ME ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA

ORGANIZED TO HONOR ME ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA-LA LA-LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA-LA LA-LA ♪
♪ I FEEL DIZZY,

LA-LA LA-LA ♪
♪ I FEEL DIZZY,
I FEEL SUNNY ♪

♪ I FEEL DIZZY,
I FEEL SUNNY ♪
♪ I FEEL FIZZY AND FUNNY

I FEEL SUNNY ♪
♪ I FEEL FIZZY AND FUNNY
AND FINE ♪

♪ I FEEL FIZZY AND FUNNY
AND FINE ♪
♪ AND SO PRETTY,

AND FINE ♪
♪ AND SO PRETTY,
MISS AMERICA CAN JUST RESIGN ♪

♪ AND SO PRETTY,
MISS AMERICA CAN JUST RESIGN ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA

MISS AMERICA CAN JUST RESIGN ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪
♪ SEE THE PRETTY GIRL

LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪
♪ SEE THE PRETTY GIRL
IN THAT MIRROR THERE? ♪

♪ SEE THE PRETTY GIRL
IN THAT MIRROR THERE? ♪
♪ WHAT MIRROR WHERE? ♪

IN THAT MIRROR THERE? ♪
♪ WHAT MIRROR WHERE? ♪
♪ WHO CAN THAT

♪ WHAT MIRROR WHERE? ♪
♪ WHO CAN THAT
ATTRACTIVE GIRL BE? ♪

♪ WHO CAN THAT
ATTRACTIVE GIRL BE? ♪
♪ WHICH? WHAT? WHERE? WHOM? ♪

ATTRACTIVE GIRL BE? ♪
♪ WHICH? WHAT? WHERE? WHOM? ♪
♪ SUCH A PRETTY FACE,

♪ WHICH? WHAT? WHERE? WHOM? ♪
♪ SUCH A PRETTY FACE,
SUCH A PRETTY DRESS,

♪ SUCH A PRETTY FACE,
SUCH A PRETTY DRESS,
SUCH A PRETTY SMILE,

SUCH A PRETTY DRESS,
SUCH A PRETTY SMILE,
SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪

SUCH A PRETTY SMILE,
SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪
♪ SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪

SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪
♪ SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪
♪ I FEEL STUNNING

♪ SUCH A PRETTY ME ♪
♪ I FEEL STUNNING
AND ENTRANCING ♪

♪ I FEEL STUNNING
AND ENTRANCING ♪
♪ FEEL LIKE RUNNING AND DANCING

AND ENTRANCING ♪
♪ FEEL LIKE RUNNING AND DANCING
FOR JOY ♪

♪ FEEL LIKE RUNNING AND DANCING
FOR JOY ♪
♪ FOR I'M LOVED

FOR JOY ♪
♪ FOR I'M LOVED
BY A PRETTY WONDERFUL BOY ♪

♪ FOR I'M LOVED
BY A PRETTY WONDERFUL BOY ♪
[SHRIEKS]

BY A PRETTY WONDERFUL BOY ♪
[SHRIEKS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.
YEAH, WELL, I-I KNOW IT

UPDATE" WITH CHEVY CHASE.
YEAH, WELL, I-I KNOW IT
SOUNDS SILLY, BUT YOU BETTER

YEAH, WELL, I-I KNOW IT
SOUNDS SILLY, BUT YOU BETTER
CALL TIM OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS

SOUNDS SILLY, BUT YOU BETTER
CALL TIM OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS
AND HAVE HIM CALL BARBARA...

CALL TIM OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS
AND HAVE HIM CALL BARBARA...
WHATEVER HER NAME IS... AND HAVE

AND HAVE HIM CALL BARBARA...
WHATEVER HER NAME IS... AND HAVE
HER CALL...

WHATEVER HER NAME IS... AND HAVE
HER CALL...
I GOT TO GO.

HER CALL...
I GOT TO GO.
GOOD EVENING.

I GOT TO GO.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE

GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE
TOUCHING YOURSELF.

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE
TOUCHING YOURSELF.
[LAUGHTER]

TOUCHING YOURSELF.
[LAUGHTER]
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

[LAUGHTER]
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
IN A SURPRISE MOVE, THE STATE OF

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
IN A SURPRISE MOVE, THE STATE OF
TEXAS HAS SECEDED FROM THE

IN A SURPRISE MOVE, THE STATE OF
TEXAS HAS SECEDED FROM THE
UNION, WILL ANNEX ITSELF INTO

TEXAS HAS SECEDED FROM THE
UNION, WILL ANNEX ITSELF INTO
THE SOVEREIGN REPUBLIC OF

UNION, WILL ANNEX ITSELF INTO
THE SOVEREIGN REPUBLIC OF
PANAMA, MOVE THE ALAMO INTO THE

THE SOVEREIGN REPUBLIC OF
PANAMA, MOVE THE ALAMO INTO THE
CANAL ZONE, AND NAME

PANAMA, MOVE THE ALAMO INTO THE
CANAL ZONE, AND NAME
RONALD REAGAN AS ACTING KING.

CANAL ZONE, AND NAME
RONALD REAGAN AS ACTING KING.
REAGAN SAYS HE'S HAPPY TO BE

RONALD REAGAN AS ACTING KING.
REAGAN SAYS HE'S HAPPY TO BE
KING BUT NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THE

REAGAN SAYS HE'S HAPPY TO BE
KING BUT NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THE
ACTING.

KING BUT NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THE
ACTING.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

ACTING.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
WELL, ACCORDING TO FRONT-RUNNER

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
WELL, ACCORDING TO FRONT-RUNNER
HUBERT HUMPHREY, JERRY BROWN

WELL, ACCORDING TO FRONT-RUNNER
HUBERT HUMPHREY, JERRY BROWN
LOOKS LIKE A STRONG CANDIDATE IN

HUBERT HUMPHREY, JERRY BROWN
LOOKS LIKE A STRONG CANDIDATE IN
THE UPCOMING MARYLAND PRIMARY.

LOOKS LIKE A STRONG CANDIDATE IN
THE UPCOMING MARYLAND PRIMARY.
BROWN FEELS THAT IF HE CAN

THE UPCOMING MARYLAND PRIMARY.
BROWN FEELS THAT IF HE CAN
FINISH FIRST IN THAT STATE, HE

BROWN FEELS THAT IF HE CAN
FINISH FIRST IN THAT STATE, HE
STANDS A GOOD CHANCE OF

FINISH FIRST IN THAT STATE, HE
STANDS A GOOD CHANCE OF
DEFEATING HUGH O'BRIAN IN HIS

STANDS A GOOD CHANCE OF
DEFEATING HUGH O'BRIAN IN HIS
HOME STATE.

DEFEATING HUGH O'BRIAN IN HIS
HOME STATE.
THE CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR STRESSES

HOME STATE.
THE CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR STRESSES
AUSTERITY IN HIS PRIVATE LIFE AS

THE CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR STRESSES
AUSTERITY IN HIS PRIVATE LIFE AS
WELL AS BIG GOVERNMENT.

AUSTERITY IN HIS PRIVATE LIFE AS
WELL AS BIG GOVERNMENT.
HE IS SEEN HERE DODGING THE

WELL AS BIG GOVERNMENT.
HE IS SEEN HERE DODGING THE
PROTECTION OF AN UMBRELLA DURING

HE IS SEEN HERE DODGING THE
PROTECTION OF AN UMBRELLA DURING
A THUNDERSHOWER SO THAT HIS SUIT

PROTECTION OF AN UMBRELLA DURING
A THUNDERSHOWER SO THAT HIS SUIT
WILL LOOK WET AND WRINKLED.

A THUNDERSHOWER SO THAT HIS SUIT
WILL LOOK WET AND WRINKLED.
SHAKEN BY HIS LOSING STREAK IN

WILL LOOK WET AND WRINKLED.
SHAKEN BY HIS LOSING STREAK IN
THE PRIMARIES, PRESIDENT FORD

SHAKEN BY HIS LOSING STREAK IN
THE PRIMARIES, PRESIDENT FORD
MET WITH CAMPAIGN STRATEGISTS

THE PRIMARIES, PRESIDENT FORD
MET WITH CAMPAIGN STRATEGISTS
AND ANNOUNCED A NEW PLAN.

MET WITH CAMPAIGN STRATEGISTS
AND ANNOUNCED A NEW PLAN.
"FROM NOW ON," SAID THE ALSO-RAN

AND ANNOUNCED A NEW PLAN.
"FROM NOW ON," SAID THE ALSO-RAN
CHIEF EXECUTIVE, "I WILL

"FROM NOW ON," SAID THE ALSO-RAN
CHIEF EXECUTIVE, "I WILL
CAMPAIGN TO WIN INSTEAD OF TO

CHIEF EXECUTIVE, "I WILL
CAMPAIGN TO WIN INSTEAD OF TO
LOSE."

CAMPAIGN TO WIN INSTEAD OF TO
LOSE."
[LAUGHTER]

LOSE."
[LAUGHTER]
HERE, THE PRESIDENT IS SEEN

[LAUGHTER]
HERE, THE PRESIDENT IS SEEN
BEING LED AWAY IN HANDCUFFS

HERE, THE PRESIDENT IS SEEN
BEING LED AWAY IN HANDCUFFS
AFTER HIS LOSS IN TEXAS.

BEING LED AWAY IN HANDCUFFS
AFTER HIS LOSS IN TEXAS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AFTER HIS LOSS IN TEXAS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THE PRESIDENT DESCRIBED

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THE PRESIDENT DESCRIBED
RONALD REAGAN AS BEING

THE PRESIDENT DESCRIBED
RONALD REAGAN AS BEING
"SIMPLISTIC, GLIB, SUPERFICIAL,

RONALD REAGAN AS BEING
"SIMPLISTIC, GLIB, SUPERFICIAL,
AND IRRESPONSIBLE," BUT SAID HE

"SIMPLISTIC, GLIB, SUPERFICIAL,
AND IRRESPONSIBLE," BUT SAID HE
DID NOT MEAN TO SUGGEST THAT

AND IRRESPONSIBLE," BUT SAID HE
DID NOT MEAN TO SUGGEST THAT
REAGAN WAS UNFIT FOR HIGH

DID NOT MEAN TO SUGGEST THAT
REAGAN WAS UNFIT FOR HIGH
OFFICE.

REAGAN WAS UNFIT FOR HIGH
OFFICE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OFFICE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
MORRIS UDALL HAS COME UP WITH A

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
MORRIS UDALL HAS COME UP WITH A
CAMPAIGN STRATEGY WHEREBY HE IS

MORRIS UDALL HAS COME UP WITH A
CAMPAIGN STRATEGY WHEREBY HE IS
ABLE TO SPEAK WITH VOTERS IN

CAMPAIGN STRATEGY WHEREBY HE IS
ABLE TO SPEAK WITH VOTERS IN
PERSON AND ON THE TELEPHONE AT

ABLE TO SPEAK WITH VOTERS IN
PERSON AND ON THE TELEPHONE AT
THE SAME TIME IN AN EFFORT TO

PERSON AND ON THE TELEPHONE AT
THE SAME TIME IN AN EFFORT TO
SAVE INCREASINGLY DIMINISHING

THE SAME TIME IN AN EFFORT TO
SAVE INCREASINGLY DIMINISHING
CAMPAIGN FUNDS.

SAVE INCREASINGLY DIMINISHING
CAMPAIGN FUNDS.
HERE HE IS SEEN TESTING A NEW

CAMPAIGN FUNDS.
HERE HE IS SEEN TESTING A NEW
SPEAKING DEVICE, WHICH IS

HERE HE IS SEEN TESTING A NEW
SPEAKING DEVICE, WHICH IS
CONNECTED DIRECTLY TO THE LARYNX

SPEAKING DEVICE, WHICH IS
CONNECTED DIRECTLY TO THE LARYNX
OF THE VOTER.

CONNECTED DIRECTLY TO THE LARYNX
OF THE VOTER.
[LAUGHTER]

OF THE VOTER.
[LAUGHTER]
LAST WEEK, VICE PRESIDENT

[LAUGHTER]
LAST WEEK, VICE PRESIDENT
ROCKEFELLER FORMALLY APOLOGIZED

LAST WEEK, VICE PRESIDENT
ROCKEFELLER FORMALLY APOLOGIZED
TO THE SENATE AND TO

ROCKEFELLER FORMALLY APOLOGIZED
TO THE SENATE AND TO
HENRY JACKSON AND TO HIS CLASS

TO THE SENATE AND TO
HENRY JACKSON AND TO HIS CLASS
FOR SPECULATING THAT JACKSON

HENRY JACKSON AND TO HIS CLASS
FOR SPECULATING THAT JACKSON
STAFF MEMBERS HAD COMMUNIST

FOR SPECULATING THAT JACKSON
STAFF MEMBERS HAD COMMUNIST
TIES.

STAFF MEMBERS HAD COMMUNIST
TIES.
THE APOLOGY WAS ACCEPTED AND THE

TIES.
THE APOLOGY WAS ACCEPTED AND THE
MATTER CLOSED.

THE APOLOGY WAS ACCEPTED AND THE
MATTER CLOSED.
BUT THE ACTION SET OFF A FLURRY

MATTER CLOSED.
BUT THE ACTION SET OFF A FLURRY
OF NEW HIGH-LEVEL APOLOGIES.

BUT THE ACTION SET OFF A FLURRY
OF NEW HIGH-LEVEL APOLOGIES.
THE MOST TOUCHING TURNED OUT TO

OF NEW HIGH-LEVEL APOLOGIES.
THE MOST TOUCHING TURNED OUT TO
BE RICHARD NIXON'S, WHO

THE MOST TOUCHING TURNED OUT TO
BE RICHARD NIXON'S, WHO
APOLOGIZED TO THE MAFIA FOR NOT

BE RICHARD NIXON'S, WHO
APOLOGIZED TO THE MAFIA FOR NOT
BEING A CROOK.

APOLOGIZED TO THE MAFIA FOR NOT
BEING A CROOK.
[LAUGHTER]

BEING A CROOK.
[LAUGHTER]
A MORE SERIOUS NOTE... A SEVERE

[LAUGHTER]
A MORE SERIOUS NOTE... A SEVERE
EARTHQUAKE STRUCK NORTHEASTERN

A MORE SERIOUS NOTE... A SEVERE
EARTHQUAKE STRUCK NORTHEASTERN
ITALY THURSDAY NIGHT, COLLAPSING

EARTHQUAKE STRUCK NORTHEASTERN
ITALY THURSDAY NIGHT, COLLAPSING
ENTIRE SECTIONS OF TOWNS NEAR

ITALY THURSDAY NIGHT, COLLAPSING
ENTIRE SECTIONS OF TOWNS NEAR
VENICE AND THE YUGOSLAVIAN

ENTIRE SECTIONS OF TOWNS NEAR
VENICE AND THE YUGOSLAVIAN
BORDER, KILLING AND INJURING

VENICE AND THE YUGOSLAVIAN
BORDER, KILLING AND INJURING
MANY.

BORDER, KILLING AND INJURING
MANY.
FOR A DIRECT, LIVE TELEPHONE

MANY.
FOR A DIRECT, LIVE TELEPHONE
REPORT, LET'S GO NOW TO OUR

FOR A DIRECT, LIVE TELEPHONE
REPORT, LET'S GO NOW TO OUR
CORRESPONDENT IN VENICE,

REPORT, LET'S GO NOW TO OUR
CORRESPONDENT IN VENICE,
OLLIE PETERSON.

YES, OPERATOR?
I'D LIKE ITALY.
OLLIE PETERSON, PLEASE.

I'D LIKE ITALY.
OLLIE PETERSON, PLEASE.
HELLO, OLLIE?

OLLIE PETERSON, PLEASE.
HELLO, OLLIE?
HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO, OLLIE?
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD, GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD, GOOD.
HOW'S VICKY AND THE KIDS?

GOOD, GOOD.
HOW'S VICKY AND THE KIDS?
GOOD.

HOW'S VICKY AND THE KIDS?
GOOD.
OH, SHE'S FINE, YEP.

GOOD.
OH, SHE'S FINE, YEP.
SENDS HER LOVE.

OH, SHE'S FINE, YEP.
SENDS HER LOVE.
NO, WE'LL BE TAKING A VACATION

SENDS HER LOVE.
NO, WE'LL BE TAKING A VACATION
SOME TIME IN JUNE, I THINK.

NO, WE'LL BE TAKING A VACATION
SOME TIME IN JUNE, I THINK.
LET ME JUST CHECK.

SOME TIME IN JUNE, I THINK.
LET ME JUST CHECK.
I THINK I HAVE IT IN MY... I

LET ME JUST CHECK.
I THINK I HAVE IT IN MY... I
HAVE MY SCHEDULE BOOK WITH ME.

I THINK I HAVE IT IN MY... I
HAVE MY SCHEDULE BOOK WITH ME.
SO, SOME QUAKE, HUH?

HAVE MY SCHEDULE BOOK WITH ME.
SO, SOME QUAKE, HUH?
YEAH.

SO, SOME QUAKE, HUH?
YEAH.
OKAY, SO LONG.

YEAH.
OKAY, SO LONG.
NICE TALKING TO YOU.

OKAY, SO LONG.
NICE TALKING TO YOU.
BYE-BYE.

NICE TALKING TO YOU.
BYE-BYE.
AS YOU CAN SEE, EVEN IN THE

BYE-BYE.
AS YOU CAN SEE, EVEN IN THE
MIDST OF TRAGEDY, LIFE GOES ON

AS YOU CAN SEE, EVEN IN THE
MIDST OF TRAGEDY, LIFE GOES ON
IN THE STRONG NATION OF ITALY.

MIDST OF TRAGEDY, LIFE GOES ON
IN THE STRONG NATION OF ITALY.
CADET EARL PARSHAM IS APPEALING

IN THE STRONG NATION OF ITALY.
CADET EARL PARSHAM IS APPEALING
THE AIR FORCE'S DECISION TO

CADET EARL PARSHAM IS APPEALING
THE AIR FORCE'S DECISION TO
DISCHARGE HIM FOR PURPORTEDLY

THE AIR FORCE'S DECISION TO
DISCHARGE HIM FOR PURPORTEDLY
BEING A HOMOSEXUAL.

DISCHARGE HIM FOR PURPORTEDLY
BEING A HOMOSEXUAL.
HE IS SHOWN HERE STANDING WITH

BEING A HOMOSEXUAL.
HE IS SHOWN HERE STANDING WITH
HIS UNIT FOR DRESS INSPECTION.

HE IS SHOWN HERE STANDING WITH
HIS UNIT FOR DRESS INSPECTION.
WELL, THERE'S BEEN A TURNABOUT

HIS UNIT FOR DRESS INSPECTION.
WELL, THERE'S BEEN A TURNABOUT
IN THE CONTINUING CONTROVERSY IN

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A TURNABOUT
IN THE CONTINUING CONTROVERSY IN
THE MEDICAL WORLD OVER THE

IN THE CONTINUING CONTROVERSY IN
THE MEDICAL WORLD OVER THE
EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA ON THE

THE MEDICAL WORLD OVER THE
EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA ON THE
SENSORY NERVOUS SYSTEM OVER A

EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA ON THE
SENSORY NERVOUS SYSTEM OVER A
CONTINUOUS PERIOD OF USE.

SENSORY NERVOUS SYSTEM OVER A
CONTINUOUS PERIOD OF USE.
DOCTORS ARE NOW REPORTING THAT

CONTINUOUS PERIOD OF USE.
DOCTORS ARE NOW REPORTING THAT
THE ABUSE OF THE DRUG MAY CAUSE

DOCTORS ARE NOW REPORTING THAT
THE ABUSE OF THE DRUG MAY CAUSE
SOME DAMAGE TO THE MEMORY OF THE

THE ABUSE OF THE DRUG MAY CAUSE
SOME DAMAGE TO THE MEMORY OF THE
SMOKER.

SOME DAMAGE TO THE MEMORY OF THE
SMOKER.
WELL, THERE'S BEEN A TURNABOUT

SMOKER.
WELL, THERE'S BEEN A TURNABOUT
IN THE CONTINUING CONTROVERSY IN

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A TURNABOUT
IN THE CONTINUING CONTROVERSY IN
THE MEDICAL WORLD OVER THE

IN THE CONTINUING CONTROVERSY IN
THE MEDICAL WORLD OVER THE
EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA ON THE

THE MEDICAL WORLD OVER THE
EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA ON THE
SENSORY NERVOUS SYSTEM FOR A

EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA ON THE
SENSORY NERVOUS SYSTEM FOR A
CONTINUED PERIOD OF USE.

SENSORY NERVOUS SYSTEM FOR A
CONTINUED PERIOD OF USE.
DOCTORS ARE NOW REPORTING THAT

CONTINUED PERIOD OF USE.
DOCTORS ARE NOW REPORTING THAT
ABUSE OF THE DRUG MAY CAUSE SOME

DOCTORS ARE NOW REPORTING THAT
ABUSE OF THE DRUG MAY CAUSE SOME
DAMAGE TO THE MEMORY OF THE

ABUSE OF THE DRUG MAY CAUSE SOME
DAMAGE TO THE MEMORY OF THE
SMOKER.

DAMAGE TO THE MEMORY OF THE
SMOKER.
INCIDENTALLY, "WEEKEND UPDATE"

SMOKER.
INCIDENTALLY, "WEEKEND UPDATE"
RESEARCHERS ARE STILL AWAITING

INCIDENTALLY, "WEEKEND UPDATE"
RESEARCHERS ARE STILL AWAITING
YOUR SAMPLES OF ANY SUSPICIOUS

RESEARCHERS ARE STILL AWAITING
YOUR SAMPLES OF ANY SUSPICIOUS
CANNABIS SO THAT IT MAY BE

YOUR SAMPLES OF ANY SUSPICIOUS
CANNABIS SO THAT IT MAY BE
TESTED FOR POSSIBLE HARMFUL SIDE

CANNABIS SO THAT IT MAY BE
TESTED FOR POSSIBLE HARMFUL SIDE
EFFECTS.

TESTED FOR POSSIBLE HARMFUL SIDE
EFFECTS.
THIS WEEK, WE WILL ONLY BE

EFFECTS.
THIS WEEK, WE WILL ONLY BE
TESTING THE BUDS OF COLOMBIAN

THIS WEEK, WE WILL ONLY BE
TESTING THE BUDS OF COLOMBIAN
RED.

TESTING THE BUDS OF COLOMBIAN
RED.
REMEMBER, ONLY BUDS, PLEASE.

RED.
REMEMBER, ONLY BUDS, PLEASE.
ONCE AGAIN, THE ADDRESS TO SEND

REMEMBER, ONLY BUDS, PLEASE.
ONCE AGAIN, THE ADDRESS TO SEND
SAMPLES TO IS RESEARCH,

ONCE AGAIN, THE ADDRESS TO SEND
SAMPLES TO IS RESEARCH,
C/O CHEVY CHASE,

SAMPLES TO IS RESEARCH,
C/O CHEVY CHASE,
857 WEST... 852 EAST...

C/O CHEVY CHASE,
857 WEST... 852 EAST...
I DON'T REMEMBER.

857 WEST... 852 EAST...
I DON'T REMEMBER.
WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER.

I DON'T REMEMBER.
WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER.
STILL TO COME, JIMMY CARTER

WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER.
STILL TO COME, JIMMY CARTER
SECRETLY TOUCHES NEGROES, AFTER

STILL TO COME, JIMMY CARTER
SECRETLY TOUCHES NEGROES, AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.

HI, ROSIE.
JUST DROPPED BY TO SEE YOU IN
YOUR NEW SHOP.

JUST DROPPED BY TO SEE YOU IN
YOUR NEW SHOP.
OH, HONEY, YOUR PANTYHOSE ARE

YOUR NEW SHOP.
OH, HONEY, YOUR PANTYHOSE ARE
SWEATING JUST LIKE A QUARTER

OH, HONEY, YOUR PANTYHOSE ARE
SWEATING JUST LIKE A QUARTER
HORSE.

SWEATING JUST LIKE A QUARTER
HORSE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?

HORSE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?
FEEL HOW DAMP THEY ARE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?
FEEL HOW DAMP THEY ARE.
ROSIE WAS RIGHT.

FEEL HOW DAMP THEY ARE.
ROSIE WAS RIGHT.
MY LEGS WERE SOAKING WET, AND

ROSIE WAS RIGHT.
MY LEGS WERE SOAKING WET, AND
WAS I EMBARRASSED.

MY LEGS WERE SOAKING WET, AND
WAS I EMBARRASSED.
HONEY, THE WET LEG IS DEAD.

WAS I EMBARRASSED.
HONEY, THE WET LEG IS DEAD.
LOOK.

HONEY, THE WET LEG IS DEAD.
LOOK.
LET'S TAKE THIS SIMPLE TEST TO

LOOK.
LET'S TAKE THIS SIMPLE TEST TO
DEMONSTRATE THE WET STRENGTH OF

LET'S TAKE THIS SIMPLE TEST TO
DEMONSTRATE THE WET STRENGTH OF
NEW SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY HOSE.

NEW SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY HOSE.
HERE, TAKE THAT PITCHER OF MILK

HERE, TAKE THAT PITCHER OF MILK
AND POUR IT OVER THE KNEE AREA

AND POUR IT OVER THE KNEE AREA
OF YOUR PREFERRED BRAND.

OF YOUR PREFERRED BRAND.
JUST A LITTLE... THAT'S IT.

JUST A LITTLE... THAT'S IT.
NOW PLACE THAT CUP AND SAUCER ON

NOW PLACE THAT CUP AND SAUCER ON
TOP.

TOP.
CUP AND SAUCER FELL RIGHT

CUP AND SAUCER FELL RIGHT
THROUGH.

THROUGH.
AMAZING.

AMAZING.
NOW WE'LL TRY THE SAME TEST

NOW WE'LL TRY THE SAME TEST
WITH NEW SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY

WITH NEW SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY
HOSE.

HOSE.
YEAH.

YEAH.
SAME TEST.

SAME TEST.
SAME TEST.

SAME TEST.
OVER THE KNEE...

OVER THE KNEE...
CUP AND SAUCER.

CUP AND SAUCER.
SEE?

SEE?
CUP AND SAUCER STAYED RIGHT

CUP AND SAUCER STAYED RIGHT
WHERE YOU PUT THEM.

WHERE YOU PUT THEM.
STILL NOT CONVINCED?
HERE.

STILL NOT CONVINCED?
HERE.
TRY THESE ON.

HERE.
TRY THESE ON.
NEW SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY HOSE

TRY THESE ON.
NEW SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY HOSE
SOAK UP EXCESSIVE LEG MOISTURE

NEW SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY HOSE
SOAK UP EXCESSIVE LEG MOISTURE
AND PREVENT CHAPPED HIPS.

SOAK UP EXCESSIVE LEG MOISTURE
AND PREVENT CHAPPED HIPS.
MY LEGS HAVEN'T FELT THIS DRY

AND PREVENT CHAPPED HIPS.
MY LEGS HAVEN'T FELT THIS DRY
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL!

MY LEGS HAVEN'T FELT THIS DRY
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

SINCE HIGH SCHOOL!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM HERE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM HERE.
WE'LL JUST WIPE IT RIGHT UP.

NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM HERE.
WE'LL JUST WIPE IT RIGHT UP.
HEY, NO PROBLEM...

WE'LL JUST WIPE IT RIGHT UP.
HEY, NO PROBLEM...
NOT ANY LONGER.

HEY, NO PROBLEM...
NOT ANY LONGER.
NOT WITH SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY

NOT ANY LONGER.
NOT WITH SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY
HOSE... THE QUICKER

NOT WITH SUPER-ABSORBENT DRY
HOSE... THE QUICKER
PICKER-UPPER.

HOSE... THE QUICKER
PICKER-UPPER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THE SPANISH DICTATOR HAS NOW

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THE SPANISH DICTATOR HAS NOW
HELD HIS BREATH SINCE NOVEMBER

THE SPANISH DICTATOR HAS NOW
HELD HIS BREATH SINCE NOVEMBER
1975.

HELD HIS BREATH SINCE NOVEMBER
1975.
BUT HE STILL HAS A LONG WAY TO

1975.
BUT HE STILL HAS A LONG WAY TO
GO TO BEAT THE EXISTING WORLD'S

BUT HE STILL HAS A LONG WAY TO
GO TO BEAT THE EXISTING WORLD'S
RECORD, HELD BY HIS PREDECESSOR,

GO TO BEAT THE EXISTING WORLD'S
RECORD, HELD BY HIS PREDECESSOR,
TOMáS DE TORQUEMADA, WHO HAS

RECORD, HELD BY HIS PREDECESSOR,
TOMáS DE TORQUEMADA, WHO HAS
BEEN HOLDING HIS BREATH SINCE

TOMáS DE TORQUEMADA, WHO HAS
BEEN HOLDING HIS BREATH SINCE
1498.

BEEN HOLDING HIS BREATH SINCE
1498.
IS THERE SOMETHING HANGING FROM

1498.
IS THERE SOMETHING HANGING FROM
MY NOSE?

IS THERE SOMETHING HANGING FROM
MY NOSE?
WORLD CHAMPION MUHAMMAD ALI

MY NOSE?
WORLD CHAMPION MUHAMMAD ALI
BARELY EKED OUT A 15-ROUND

WORLD CHAMPION MUHAMMAD ALI
BARELY EKED OUT A 15-ROUND
UNANIMOUS DECISION AGAINST

BARELY EKED OUT A 15-ROUND
UNANIMOUS DECISION AGAINST
HEAVYWEIGHT CONTENDER

UNANIMOUS DECISION AGAINST
HEAVYWEIGHT CONTENDER
JIMMY YOUNG IN LANDOVER,

HEAVYWEIGHT CONTENDER
JIMMY YOUNG IN LANDOVER,
MARYLAND, AMIDST THE JEERING AND

JIMMY YOUNG IN LANDOVER,
MARYLAND, AMIDST THE JEERING AND
BOOING OF THOUSANDS WHO THOUGHT

MARYLAND, AMIDST THE JEERING AND
BOOING OF THOUSANDS WHO THOUGHT
THAT YOUNG WAS THE WINNER.

BOOING OF THOUSANDS WHO THOUGHT
THAT YOUNG WAS THE WINNER.
ALI ADMITTED THAT HE WAS OUT OF

THAT YOUNG WAS THE WINNER.
ALI ADMITTED THAT HE WAS OUT OF
SHAPE AND SAID HE WILL HE TRAIN

ALI ADMITTED THAT HE WAS OUT OF
SHAPE AND SAID HE WILL HE TRAIN
MUCH HARDER FOR HIS NEXT

SHAPE AND SAID HE WILL HE TRAIN
MUCH HARDER FOR HIS NEXT
$3 MILLION FIGHT, AGAINST A

MUCH HARDER FOR HIS NEXT
$3 MILLION FIGHT, AGAINST A
7-YEAR-OLD BLIND GIRL AT THE

$3 MILLION FIGHT, AGAINST A
7-YEAR-OLD BLIND GIRL AT THE
GARDEN.

7-YEAR-OLD BLIND GIRL AT THE
GARDEN.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GARDEN.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES ITS

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES ITS
OBLIGATION TO PRESENT

"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES ITS
OBLIGATION TO PRESENT
RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS

OBLIGATION TO PRESENT
RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS
TO OUR EDITORIALS.

RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS
TO OUR EDITORIALS.
HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS

TO OUR EDITORIALS.
HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS
MISS EMILY LITELLA.

HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS
MISS EMILY LITELLA.
WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP

MISS EMILY LITELLA.
WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP
HEARING ABOUT VIOLINS ON

WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP
HEARING ABOUT VIOLINS ON
TELEVISION?

NOW, WHY DON'T PARENTS WANT

THEIR CHILDREN TO SEE VIOLINS ON

TELEVISION?

WHY, I THOUGHT THE
LEONARD BERNSTEIN CONCERTS WERE
JUST LOVELY.

LEONARD BERNSTEIN CONCERTS WERE
JUST LOVELY.
NOW, IF THEY ONLY SHOW VIOLINS

JUST LOVELY.
NOW, IF THEY ONLY SHOW VIOLINS
AFTER 10:00 AT NIGHT, THE LITTLE

NOW, IF THEY ONLY SHOW VIOLINS
AFTER 10:00 AT NIGHT, THE LITTLE
BABIES WILL ALL BE ASLEEP, AND

AFTER 10:00 AT NIGHT, THE LITTLE
BABIES WILL ALL BE ASLEEP, AND
THEY WON'T LEARN ANY MUSIC

BABIES WILL ALL BE ASLEEP, AND
THEY WON'T LEARN ANY MUSIC
APPRECIATION.

THEY WON'T LEARN ANY MUSIC
APPRECIATION.
WHY, THEY'LL END UP WANTING TO

APPRECIATION.
WHY, THEY'LL END UP WANTING TO
PLAY GUITAR AND BONGO DRUMS AND

WHY, THEY'LL END UP WANTING TO
PLAY GUITAR AND BONGO DRUMS AND
GO TO AFRICA AND JOIN THESE

PLAY GUITAR AND BONGO DRUMS AND
GO TO AFRICA AND JOIN THESE
ROCK 'N' ROLL OUTFITS.

GO TO AFRICA AND JOIN THESE
ROCK 'N' ROLL OUTFITS.
AND THEY WON'T DRINK MILK!

ROCK 'N' ROLL OUTFITS.
AND THEY WON'T DRINK MILK!
I SAY THERE SHOULD BE MORE

AND THEY WON'T DRINK MILK!
I SAY THERE SHOULD BE MORE
VIOLINS ON TELEVISION AND LESS

I SAY THERE SHOULD BE MORE
VIOLINS ON TELEVISION AND LESS
GAME SHOWS!

VIOLINS ON TELEVISION AND LESS
GAME SHOWS!
IT'S TERRIBLE THE WAY...

GAME SHOWS!
IT'S TERRIBLE THE WAY...
MISS LITELLA, THAT WAS

IT'S TERRIBLE THE WAY...
MISS LITELLA, THAT WAS
VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION.

MISS LITELLA, THAT WAS
VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION.
NOT VIOLINS, VIOLENCE.

VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION.
NOT VIOLINS, VIOLENCE.
OH, WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.

NOT VIOLINS, VIOLENCE.
OH, WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
YES.

OH, WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
YES.
NEVER MIND.

YES.
NEVER MIND.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEVER MIND.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND NOW FOR THOSE OF OUR

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND NOW FOR THOSE OF OUR
VIEWERS WHO MAY BE HOLSTEINS OR

AND NOW FOR THOSE OF OUR
VIEWERS WHO MAY BE HOLSTEINS OR
HEREFORDS, I'LL REPEAT THE TOP

VIEWERS WHO MAY BE HOLSTEINS OR
HEREFORDS, I'LL REPEAT THE TOP
STORY OF THE DAY AIDED BY MY

HEREFORDS, I'LL REPEAT THE TOP
STORY OF THE DAY AIDED BY MY
ASSISTANT, CLOVER.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

[MOOING]

WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S TIME FOR OUR SPECIAL
GUEST ARTIST, CARLY SIMON.
AND HERE ARE TWO OF THE MANY

GUEST ARTIST, CARLY SIMON.
AND HERE ARE TWO OF THE MANY
REASONS SHE'S SPECIAL.

AND HERE ARE TWO OF THE MANY
REASONS SHE'S SPECIAL.
ONE, THIS IS HER FIRST TV

REASONS SHE'S SPECIAL.
ONE, THIS IS HER FIRST TV
APPEARANCE IN A LONG TIME, AND

ONE, THIS IS HER FIRST TV
APPEARANCE IN A LONG TIME, AND
TWO, HER PERFORMANCE IS

APPEARANCE IN A LONG TIME, AND
TWO, HER PERFORMANCE IS
PRERECORDED.

TWO, HER PERFORMANCE IS
PRERECORDED.
THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO

PRERECORDED.
THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO
WATCH HERSELF LIVE.

THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO
WATCH HERSELF LIVE.
WELL... GREAT.

WATCH HERSELF LIVE.
WELL... GREAT.
HERE'S CARLY.

WELL... GREAT.
HERE'S CARLY.
[APPLAUSE]

HERE'S CARLY.
[APPLAUSE]
♪ YOU SAID WE'D LIGHT

[APPLAUSE]
♪ YOU SAID WE'D LIGHT
THE FIRMAMENT ♪

♪ YOU SAID WE'D LIGHT
THE FIRMAMENT ♪
♪ YOU SWORE OUR LOVE

THE FIRMAMENT ♪
♪ YOU SWORE OUR LOVE
WAS PERMANENT ♪

♪ YOU SWORE OUR LOVE
WAS PERMANENT ♪
♪ YOU SAID WE'D STICK

WAS PERMANENT ♪
♪ YOU SAID WE'D STICK
THROUGH THICK AND THIN ♪

♪ YOU SAID WE'D STICK
THROUGH THICK AND THIN ♪
♪ THROUGH UP AND DOWN,

THROUGH THICK AND THIN ♪
♪ THROUGH UP AND DOWN,
THROUGH LOSE AND WIN ♪

♪ THROUGH UP AND DOWN,
THROUGH LOSE AND WIN ♪
♪ BUT COMES THE FIRST SIGN

THROUGH LOSE AND WIN ♪
♪ BUT COMES THE FIRST SIGN
OF STORMY WEATHER ♪

♪ BUT COMES THE FIRST SIGN
OF STORMY WEATHER ♪
♪ YOU'RE PACKING YOUR BAGS

OF STORMY WEATHER ♪
♪ YOU'RE PACKING YOUR BAGS
IN A TRANCE ♪

♪ YOU'RE PACKING YOUR BAGS
IN A TRANCE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GOT TO GIVE

IN A TRANCE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU GOT TO GIVE
HALF A CHANCE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU GOT TO GIVE
HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ OH, BABY ♪

HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ OH, BABY ♪
♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,

♪ OH, BABY ♪
♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,
NOW, DARLING ♪

♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,
NOW, DARLING ♪
♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,

NOW, DARLING ♪
♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,
OH, BABE ♪

♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,
OH, BABE ♪
♪ TO OUR ROMANCE ♪

OH, BABE ♪
♪ TO OUR ROMANCE ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T PRETEND

♪ TO OUR ROMANCE ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T PRETEND
IT'S CAMELOT ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T PRETEND
IT'S CAMELOT ♪
♪ THEN START TO RUN

IT'S CAMELOT ♪
♪ THEN START TO RUN
WHEN THINGS GET HOT ♪

♪ THEN START TO RUN
WHEN THINGS GET HOT ♪
♪ WHEN LOVE EXPLODES,

WHEN THINGS GET HOT ♪
♪ WHEN LOVE EXPLODES,
THERE'S ALWAYS HEAT ♪

♪ WHEN LOVE EXPLODES,
THERE'S ALWAYS HEAT ♪
♪ THERE'S ALWAYS BITTER

THERE'S ALWAYS HEAT ♪
♪ THERE'S ALWAYS BITTER
WITH THE SWEET ♪

♪ THERE'S ALWAYS BITTER
WITH THE SWEET ♪
♪ THERE'S ALWAYS TIMES

WITH THE SWEET ♪
♪ THERE'S ALWAYS TIMES
WHEN YOUR LEGS FEEL BROKEN ♪

♪ THERE'S ALWAYS TIMES
WHEN YOUR LEGS FEEL BROKEN ♪
♪ BUT YOU STILL DON'T DROP OUT

WHEN YOUR LEGS FEEL BROKEN ♪
♪ BUT YOU STILL DON'T DROP OUT
OF THE DANCE ♪

♪ BUT YOU STILL DON'T DROP OUT
OF THE DANCE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO GIVE

OF THE DANCE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO GIVE
HALF A CHANCE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO GIVE
HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ OH, BABE ♪

HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ OH, BABE ♪
♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,

♪ OH, BABE ♪
♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,
NOW, DARLING ♪

♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,
NOW, DARLING ♪
♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,

NOW, DARLING ♪
♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,
OH, BABE ♪

♪ GIVE HALF A CHANCE,
OH, BABE ♪
♪ TO OUR ROMANCE ♪

♪ THERE'S ALWAYS TIMES
WHEN YOUR LEGS FEEL BROKEN ♪
♪ BUT YOU STILL DON'T DROP

WHEN YOUR LEGS FEEL BROKEN ♪
♪ BUT YOU STILL DON'T DROP
OUT OF THE DANCE ♪

♪ BUT YOU STILL DON'T DROP
OUT OF THE DANCE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO GIVE

OUT OF THE DANCE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO GIVE
HALF A CHANCE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO GIVE
HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪

HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE,

♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE,
NOW, DARLING ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE,
NOW, DARLING ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

NOW, DARLING ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE

♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE
TO OUR ROMANCE ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE
TO OUR ROMANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

TO OUR ROMANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE,

♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE,
OH, DARLING ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE,
OH, DARLING ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

OH, DARLING ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE

♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE
TO OUR ROMANCE ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE
TO OUR ROMANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

TO OUR ROMANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE, OH-OH ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE

♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE
TO OUR ROMANCE ♪

♪ HALF A CHANCE
TO OUR ROMANCE ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

TO OUR ROMANCE ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ HALF A CHANCE ♪
[APPLAUSE]

[INTRODUCTION TO
"YOU'RE SO VAIN" PLAYS]

♪ YOU WALKED INTO THE PARTY
LIKE YOU WERE WALKING
ONTO A YACHT ♪

LIKE YOU WERE WALKING
ONTO A YACHT ♪
♪ YOUR HAT STRATEGICALLY DIPPED

ONTO A YACHT ♪
♪ YOUR HAT STRATEGICALLY DIPPED
BELOW ONE EYE ♪

♪ YOUR HAT STRATEGICALLY DIPPED
BELOW ONE EYE ♪
♪ YOUR SCARF, IT WAS APRICOT ♪

BELOW ONE EYE ♪
♪ YOUR SCARF, IT WAS APRICOT ♪
♪ YOU HAD ONE EYE IN THE MIRROR

♪ YOUR SCARF, IT WAS APRICOT ♪
♪ YOU HAD ONE EYE IN THE MIRROR
AS...

♪ YOU HAD ONE EYE IN THE MIRROR
AS...
YOU WATCHED YOURSELF GAVOTTE ♪

AS...
YOU WATCHED YOURSELF GAVOTTE ♪
♪ AND ALL THE GIRLS DREAMED

YOU WATCHED YOURSELF GAVOTTE ♪
♪ AND ALL THE GIRLS DREAMED
THAT THEY'D BE YOUR PARTNER ♪

♪ AND ALL THE GIRLS DREAMED
THAT THEY'D BE YOUR PARTNER ♪
♪ THEY'D BE YOUR PARTNER ♪

THAT THEY'D BE YOUR PARTNER ♪
♪ THEY'D BE YOUR PARTNER ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,

♪ THEY'D BE YOUR PARTNER ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,

♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU? ♪

THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ DON'T YOU? ♪

DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ YOU HAD ME SEVERAL YEARS AGO

♪ DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ YOU HAD ME SEVERAL YEARS AGO
WHEN I WAS STILL QUITE NAIVE ♪

♪ YOU HAD ME SEVERAL YEARS AGO
WHEN I WAS STILL QUITE NAIVE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU SAID THAT WE MADE

WHEN I WAS STILL QUITE NAIVE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU SAID THAT WE MADE
SUCH A PRETTY PAIR ♪

♪ WELL, YOU SAID THAT WE MADE
SUCH A PRETTY PAIR ♪
♪ AND THAT YOU WOULD NEVER

SUCH A PRETTY PAIR ♪
♪ AND THAT YOU WOULD NEVER
LEAVE ♪

♪ AND THAT YOU WOULD NEVER
LEAVE ♪
♪ BUT YOU GAVE AWAY

LEAVE ♪
♪ BUT YOU GAVE AWAY
THE THINGS YOU LOVED,

♪ BUT YOU GAVE AWAY
THE THINGS YOU LOVED,
AND ONE OF THEM WAS ME ♪

THE THINGS YOU LOVED,
AND ONE OF THEM WAS ME ♪
♪ I HAD SOME DREAMS ♪

AND ONE OF THEM WAS ME ♪
♪ I HAD SOME DREAMS ♪
♪ THEY WERE CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE,

♪ I HAD SOME DREAMS ♪
♪ THEY WERE CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE,
CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE ♪

♪ THEY WERE CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE,
CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,

CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,

♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU? ♪

THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ DON'T YOU?
DON'T YOU? ♪

♪ I HAD SOME DREAMS ♪
♪ THEY WERE CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE,
CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE ♪

♪ THEY WERE CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE,
CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN

CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,

♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU? ♪

THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ DON'T YOU? ♪

DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ WELL, I HEAR

♪ DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ WELL, I HEAR
YOU WENT UP TO SARATOGA,

♪ WELL, I HEAR
YOU WENT UP TO SARATOGA,
AND YOUR HORSE NATURALLY WON ♪

YOU WENT UP TO SARATOGA,
AND YOUR HORSE NATURALLY WON ♪
♪ THEN YOU FLEW YOUR LEARJET

AND YOUR HORSE NATURALLY WON ♪
♪ THEN YOU FLEW YOUR LEARJET
UP TO NOVA SCOTIA

♪ THEN YOU FLEW YOUR LEARJET
UP TO NOVA SCOTIA
TO SEE THE TOTAL ECLIPSE

UP TO NOVA SCOTIA
TO SEE THE TOTAL ECLIPSE
OF THE SUN ♪

TO SEE THE TOTAL ECLIPSE
OF THE SUN ♪
♪ WELL, YOU'RE WHERE YOU

OF THE SUN ♪
♪ WELL, YOU'RE WHERE YOU
SHOULD BE ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ WELL, YOU'RE WHERE YOU
SHOULD BE ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE NOT,

SHOULD BE ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE NOT,
YOU'RE WITH SOME UNDERWORLD SPY

♪ AND WHEN YOU'RE NOT,
YOU'RE WITH SOME UNDERWORLD SPY
OR THE WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND,

YOU'RE WITH SOME UNDERWORLD SPY
OR THE WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND,
WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND ♪

OR THE WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND,
WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,

WIFE OF A CLOSE FRIEND ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ AND YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪
♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,

♪ I'LL BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU? ♪

THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU,
DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU? ♪
♪ DON'T YOU?
DON'T YOU, NOW? ♪

♪ DON'T YOU?
DON'T YOU, NOW? ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

DON'T YOU, NOW? ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,

[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,
I BET YOU THINK THIS SONG

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,
I BET YOU THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

I BET YOU THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN, OH-OH-OH,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,

IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG

♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN,
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪

YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG
IS ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO VAIN ♪

MRS. NIXON, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GO ON UPSTAIRS TO BED NOW.
NO, THANK YOU, RON.

GO ON UPSTAIRS TO BED NOW.
NO, THANK YOU, RON.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

NO, THANK YOU, RON.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, MRS. NIXON.

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, MRS. NIXON.
GOOD NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, MRS. NIXON.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
[Drunkenly] "DEAR DIARY...

GOOD NIGHT.
[Drunkenly] "DEAR DIARY...
WELL, IT'S 12:00.

[Drunkenly] "DEAR DIARY...
WELL, IT'S 12:00.
ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF ALONE.

WELL, IT'S 12:00.
ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF ALONE.
DICK'S LEG SWELLED UP TODAY.

ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF ALONE.
DICK'S LEG SWELLED UP TODAY.
HE WAS IN INTENSE PAIN.

DICK'S LEG SWELLED UP TODAY.
HE WAS IN INTENSE PAIN.
GOOD!"

HE WAS IN INTENSE PAIN.
GOOD!"
[INHALES]

GOOD!"
[INHALES]
"THE OCEAN IS CALM HERE AT

[INHALES]
"THE OCEAN IS CALM HERE AT
SAN CLEMENTE... QUITE A CONTRAST

"THE OCEAN IS CALM HERE AT
SAN CLEMENTE... QUITE A CONTRAST
TO THE STORMY FINAL DAYS AT THE

SAN CLEMENTE... QUITE A CONTRAST
TO THE STORMY FINAL DAYS AT THE
WHITE HOUSE."

TO THE STORMY FINAL DAYS AT THE
WHITE HOUSE."
[SNIFFLES]

WHITE HOUSE."
[SNIFFLES]
"NOW, I WILL NEVER FORGET THE

[SNIFFLES]
"NOW, I WILL NEVER FORGET THE
NIGHT OF AUGUST 7th.

"NOW, I WILL NEVER FORGET THE
NIGHT OF AUGUST 7th.
I HAD JUST GONE DOWN TO THE

NIGHT OF AUGUST 7th.
I HAD JUST GONE DOWN TO THE
PANTRY FOR SOME... REFRESHMENT

I HAD JUST GONE DOWN TO THE
PANTRY FOR SOME... REFRESHMENT
WHEN I HEARD DICK'S VOICE.

PANTRY FOR SOME... REFRESHMENT
WHEN I HEARD DICK'S VOICE.
AS USUAL, HE WASN'T SPEAKING TO

WHEN I HEARD DICK'S VOICE.
AS USUAL, HE WASN'T SPEAKING TO
ME.

AS USUAL, HE WASN'T SPEAKING TO
ME.
HE WAS TALKING TO ABE LINCOLN."

ME.
HE WAS TALKING TO ABE LINCOLN."
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]

HE WAS TALKING TO ABE LINCOLN."
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]
WELL, ABE, YOU WERE LUCKY.

[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]
WELL, ABE, YOU WERE LUCKY.
THEY SHOT YOU.

WELL, ABE, YOU WERE LUCKY.
THEY SHOT YOU.
COME ON, CLOT!

THEY SHOT YOU.
COME ON, CLOT!
MOVE UP MY LEG.

COME ON, CLOT!
MOVE UP MY LEG.
JUST MOVE UP TO MY HEART AND

MOVE UP MY LEG.
JUST MOVE UP TO MY HEART AND
KILL ME!

JUST MOVE UP TO MY HEART AND
KILL ME!
KILL ME!

KILL ME!
KILL ME!
GO AHEAD, OFF ME.

KILL ME!
GO AHEAD, OFF ME.
UH, MR. PRESIDENT?

GO AHEAD, OFF ME.
UH, MR. PRESIDENT?
[CHUCKLES]

UH, MR. PRESIDENT?
[CHUCKLES]
JULIE AND I WERE THINKING MAYBE

[CHUCKLES]
JULIE AND I WERE THINKING MAYBE
YOU SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS AND GET

JULIE AND I WERE THINKING MAYBE
YOU SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS AND GET
SOME REST, AND MAYBE THINGS WILL

YOU SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS AND GET
SOME REST, AND MAYBE THINGS WILL
LOOK BRIGHTER IN THE MORNING.

SOME REST, AND MAYBE THINGS WILL
LOOK BRIGHTER IN THE MORNING.
[CHUCKLES]

LOOK BRIGHTER IN THE MORNING.
[CHUCKLES]
OH!

[CHUCKLES]
OH!
HE DOES LOOK LIKE HOWDY DOODY!

OH!
HE DOES LOOK LIKE HOWDY DOODY!
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RESIGN,

HE DOES LOOK LIKE HOWDY DOODY!
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RESIGN,
ARE YOU, DADDY?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RESIGN,
ARE YOU, DADDY?
NO, NO, PRINCESS.

ARE YOU, DADDY?
NO, NO, PRINCESS.
ONLY A PESSIMIST WOULD RESIGN.

NO, NO, PRINCESS.
ONLY A PESSIMIST WOULD RESIGN.
IT'S THE PESSIMISTS THAT WANT

ONLY A PESSIMIST WOULD RESIGN.
IT'S THE PESSIMISTS THAT WANT
YOU TO RESIGN, ISN'T IT, DADDY?

IT'S THE PESSIMISTS THAT WANT
YOU TO RESIGN, ISN'T IT, DADDY?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU TO RESIGN, ISN'T IT, DADDY?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M AN OPTIMIST.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M AN OPTIMIST.
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS VISITING

I'M AN OPTIMIST.
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS VISITING
THAT ARMY HOSPITAL IN VIETNAM?

REMEMBER WHEN I WAS VISITING
THAT ARMY HOSPITAL IN VIETNAM?
THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN THERE,

THAT ARMY HOSPITAL IN VIETNAM?
THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN THERE,
A YOUNG ENLISTED MAN FROM

THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN THERE,
A YOUNG ENLISTED MAN FROM
DES MOINES, IOWA.

A YOUNG ENLISTED MAN FROM
DES MOINES, IOWA.
HE HAD BEEN HIT IN THE EYE WITH

DES MOINES, IOWA.
HE HAD BEEN HIT IN THE EYE WITH
A SURFACE-TO-AIR MISSILE.

HE HAD BEEN HIT IN THE EYE WITH
A SURFACE-TO-AIR MISSILE.
THIS BOY ONLY HAD FOUR PINTS OF

A SURFACE-TO-AIR MISSILE.
THIS BOY ONLY HAD FOUR PINTS OF
BLOOD LEFT IN HIS BODY.

THIS BOY ONLY HAD FOUR PINTS OF
BLOOD LEFT IN HIS BODY.
NOW, AS YOU KNOW, A MAN NORMALLY

BLOOD LEFT IN HIS BODY.
NOW, AS YOU KNOW, A MAN NORMALLY
HAS EIGHT PINTS IN HIS BODY.

NOW, AS YOU KNOW, A MAN NORMALLY
HAS EIGHT PINTS IN HIS BODY.
NOW, THE PESSIMISTS IN THIS

HAS EIGHT PINTS IN HIS BODY.
NOW, THE PESSIMISTS IN THIS
COUNTRY WOULD SAY THAT THAT BOY

NOW, THE PESSIMISTS IN THIS
COUNTRY WOULD SAY THAT THAT BOY
WAS HALF-EMPTY, WHILE I LIKE TO

COUNTRY WOULD SAY THAT THAT BOY
WAS HALF-EMPTY, WHILE I LIKE TO
THINK THAT HE WAS HALF-FULL!

WAS HALF-EMPTY, WHILE I LIKE TO
THINK THAT HE WAS HALF-FULL!
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.

THINK THAT HE WAS HALF-FULL!
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.
I WAS TALKING TO TWO REPORTERS

THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.
I WAS TALKING TO TWO REPORTERS
FROM THE WASHINGTON POST THIS

I WAS TALKING TO TWO REPORTERS
FROM THE WASHINGTON POST THIS
MORNING, AND THEY SAID THEY

FROM THE WASHINGTON POST THIS
MORNING, AND THEY SAID THEY
[CHUCKLES] THOUGHT YOU WERE

MORNING, AND THEY SAID THEY
[CHUCKLES] THOUGHT YOU WERE
HALF-CRAZY, BUT I TOLD THEM I

[CHUCKLES] THOUGHT YOU WERE
HALF-CRAZY, BUT I TOLD THEM I
LIKE TO THINK OF YOU AS

HALF-CRAZY, BUT I TOLD THEM I
LIKE TO THINK OF YOU AS
HALF-SANE.

LIKE TO THINK OF YOU AS
HALF-SANE.
WELL, THANKS A LOT.

HALF-SANE.
WELL, THANKS A LOT.
JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

WELL, THANKS A LOT.
JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M IN A MEETING RIGHT NOW, AND

JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M IN A MEETING RIGHT NOW, AND
I'D JUST LIKE TO TALK.

I'M IN A MEETING RIGHT NOW, AND
I'D JUST LIKE TO TALK.
A MEETING?

I'D JUST LIKE TO TALK.
A MEETING?
IF YOU THINK IT'S BEST,

A MEETING?
IF YOU THINK IT'S BEST,
DADDY.

IF YOU THINK IT'S BEST,
DADDY.
MEETING?

DADDY.
MEETING?
MEETING, NOW.

MEETING?
MEETING, NOW.
BYE-BYE, DADDY.

MEETING, NOW.
BYE-BYE, DADDY.
BYE, DAD.

BYE-BYE, DADDY.
BYE, DAD.
YOU!

BYE, DAD.
YOU!
YOU... KENNEDY.

YOU!
YOU... KENNEDY.
YOU ALWAYS LOOKED SO GOOD.

YOU... KENNEDY.
YOU ALWAYS LOOKED SO GOOD.
THEY'RE GONNA FIND OUT ABOUT

YOU ALWAYS LOOKED SO GOOD.
THEY'RE GONNA FIND OUT ABOUT
YOU SOMEDAY, THOUGH.

THEY'RE GONNA FIND OUT ABOUT
YOU SOMEDAY, THOUGH.
OH, YES.

YOU SOMEDAY, THOUGH.
OH, YES.
YES.

OH, YES.
YES.
HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN... THE

YES.
HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN... THE
PRESIDENT! WITHIN THESE VERY

HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN... THE
PRESIDENT! WITHIN THESE VERY
WALLS.

PRESIDENT! WITHIN THESE VERY
WALLS.
THAT NEVER HAPPENED WHEN

WALLS.
THAT NEVER HAPPENED WHEN
DICK NIXON WAS IN THE

THAT NEVER HAPPENED WHEN
DICK NIXON WAS IN THE
WHITE HOUSE!

DICK NIXON WAS IN THE
WHITE HOUSE!
NEVER! NEVER!

WHITE HOUSE!
NEVER! NEVER!
NEVER! NEVER!

NEVER! NEVER!
NEVER! NEVER!
"'NEVER. NEVER.

NEVER! NEVER!
"'NEVER. NEVER.
NEVER. NEVER.

"'NEVER. NEVER.
NEVER. NEVER.
NEVER. NEVER.'

NEVER. NEVER.
NEVER. NEVER.'
I THINK HENRY KISSINGER WAS THE

NEVER. NEVER.'
I THINK HENRY KISSINGER WAS THE
FIRST ONE TO SUGGEST THAT

I THINK HENRY KISSINGER WAS THE
FIRST ONE TO SUGGEST THAT
RESIGNATION WAS INEVITABLE.

FIRST ONE TO SUGGEST THAT
RESIGNATION WAS INEVITABLE.
NOW, HE TOLD DICK NOT TO THINK

RESIGNATION WAS INEVITABLE.
NOW, HE TOLD DICK NOT TO THINK
OF IT AS A RESIGNATION BUT AS

NOW, HE TOLD DICK NOT TO THINK
OF IT AS A RESIGNATION BUT AS
'HUMILIATION WITH HONOR.'

OF IT AS A RESIGNATION BUT AS
'HUMILIATION WITH HONOR.'
I THINK THE LAST TIME THAT THEY

'HUMILIATION WITH HONOR.'
I THINK THE LAST TIME THAT THEY
SPOKE TO ONE OTHER WAS ON THAT

I THINK THE LAST TIME THAT THEY
SPOKE TO ONE OTHER WAS ON THAT
SAME NIGHT."

SPOKE TO ONE OTHER WAS ON THAT
SAME NIGHT."
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]

SAME NIGHT."
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]
NEVER! NEVER!

[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]
NEVER! NEVER!
NEVER HAPPENED.

NEVER! NEVER!
NEVER HAPPENED.
[German accent] UH,

NEVER HAPPENED.
[German accent] UH,
MR. PRESIDENT...

[German accent] UH,
MR. PRESIDENT...
MR. PRESIDENT...

MR. PRESIDENT...
MR. PRESIDENT...
MR. PRESIDENT, UM, UH...

MR. PRESIDENT...
MR. PRESIDENT, UM, UH...
MR. PRESIDENT, I JUST SPOKE WITH

MR. PRESIDENT, UM, UH...
MR. PRESIDENT, I JUST SPOKE WITH
YOUR LOVELY DAUGHTER AND YOUR

MR. PRESIDENT, I JUST SPOKE WITH
YOUR LOVELY DAUGHTER AND YOUR
CHARMING SON-IN-LAW, AND THEY

YOUR LOVELY DAUGHTER AND YOUR
CHARMING SON-IN-LAW, AND THEY
EXPRESSED A DEEP CONCERN FOR

CHARMING SON-IN-LAW, AND THEY
EXPRESSED A DEEP CONCERN FOR
YOUR WELL-BEING, WHICH I, OF

EXPRESSED A DEEP CONCERN FOR
YOUR WELL-BEING, WHICH I, OF
COURSE, SHARE.

YOUR WELL-BEING, WHICH I, OF
COURSE, SHARE.
AND THEY SUGGESTED I COME DOWN

COURSE, SHARE.
AND THEY SUGGESTED I COME DOWN
HERE TO CHEER YOU UP.

AND THEY SUGGESTED I COME DOWN
HERE TO CHEER YOU UP.
[INHALES]

HERE TO CHEER YOU UP.
[INHALES]
YOU KNOW I'M NOT A CROOK, HENRY.

[INHALES]
YOU KNOW I'M NOT A CROOK, HENRY.
YOU KNOW THAT I'M INNOCENT!

YOU KNOW I'M NOT A CROOK, HENRY.
YOU KNOW THAT I'M INNOCENT!
WELL, UH...

YOU KNOW THAT I'M INNOCENT!
WELL, UH...
I AM, HENRY.

WELL, UH...
I AM, HENRY.
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE

I AM, HENRY.
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
BUGGING OF WATERGATE!

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
BUGGING OF WATERGATE!
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE

BUGGING OF WATERGATE!
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
COVER-UP, NOTHING TO DO WITH THE

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
COVER-UP, NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
BREAK-IN OF DANIEL ELLSBERG'S

COVER-UP, NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
BREAK-IN OF DANIEL ELLSBERG'S
PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, NOTHING

BREAK-IN OF DANIEL ELLSBERG'S
PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, NOTHING
TO DO WITH THE GUY WHO WAS

PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE, NOTHING
TO DO WITH THE GUY WHO WAS
KILLED IN FLORIDA!

TO DO WITH THE GUY WHO WAS
KILLED IN FLORIDA!
WHAT GUY WAS KILLED IN

KILLED IN FLORIDA!
WHAT GUY WAS KILLED IN
FLORIDA, MR. PRESIDENT?

WHAT GUY WAS KILLED IN
FLORIDA, MR. PRESIDENT?
YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW

FLORIDA, MR. PRESIDENT?
YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THE YOUNG CUBAN WHO WAS

YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THE YOUNG CUBAN WHO WAS
RUN OVER BY THE... NEVER MIND.

ABOUT THE YOUNG CUBAN WHO WAS
RUN OVER BY THE... NEVER MIND.
HENRY, GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES

RUN OVER BY THE... NEVER MIND.
HENRY, GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
AND PRAY WITH ME.

HENRY, GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
AND PRAY WITH ME.
PRAY WITH ME, HENRY.

AND PRAY WITH ME.
PRAY WITH ME, HENRY.
MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE.

PRAY WITH ME, HENRY.
MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE.
WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW,

MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE.
WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW,
SO WHY DON'T WE JUST GET INTO

WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW,
SO WHY DON'T WE JUST GET INTO
OUR JAMMIES AND GO SLEEPY TIME,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST GET INTO
OUR JAMMIES AND GO SLEEPY TIME,
HUH, MR. PRESIDENT?

OUR JAMMIES AND GO SLEEPY TIME,
HUH, MR. PRESIDENT?
YOU DON'T WANT TO PRAY...

HUH, MR. PRESIDENT?
YOU DON'T WANT TO PRAY...
JEWBOY?!

YOU DON'T WANT TO PRAY...
JEWBOY?!
OH, COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.

JEWBOY?!
OH, COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.
MR. PRESIDENT, I DON'T WANT TO

OH, COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.
MR. PRESIDENT, I DON'T WANT TO
GET INTO THAT AGAIN, OKAY?

MR. PRESIDENT, I DON'T WANT TO
GET INTO THAT AGAIN, OKAY?
PLEASE?

GET INTO THAT AGAIN, OKAY?
PLEASE?
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

PLEASE?
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.
I'VE GOT TO GO WARN THE

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.
I'VE GOT TO GO WARN THE
STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND TO DISOBEY

I'VE GOT TO GO WARN THE
STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND TO DISOBEY
ALL PRESIDENTIAL ORDERS.

STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND TO DISOBEY
ALL PRESIDENTIAL ORDERS.
RIGHT, RIGHT.

ALL PRESIDENTIAL ORDERS.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
THANKS.

RIGHT, RIGHT.
THANKS.
JEWBOY!

THANKS.
JEWBOY!
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]

JEWBOY!
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]
"DICK WASN'T ANTI-SEMITIC.

[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]
"DICK WASN'T ANTI-SEMITIC.
HE HATED ALL MINORITIES.

"DICK WASN'T ANTI-SEMITIC.
HE HATED ALL MINORITIES.
I REMEMBER ONCE AN AIDE REFERRED

HE HATED ALL MINORITIES.
I REMEMBER ONCE AN AIDE REFERRED
TO THE VIETNAMESE AS 'GOOKS' AND

I REMEMBER ONCE AN AIDE REFERRED
TO THE VIETNAMESE AS 'GOOKS' AND
'CHINKS.'

TO THE VIETNAMESE AS 'GOOKS' AND
'CHINKS.'
DICK SAID THAT THAT WAS WRONG.

'CHINKS.'
DICK SAID THAT THAT WAS WRONG.
HE SAID THE CHINK IS SOMEONE

DICK SAID THAT THAT WAS WRONG.
HE SAID THE CHINK IS SOMEONE
FROM CHINA, AND A GOOK IS ANYONE

HE SAID THE CHINK IS SOMEONE
FROM CHINA, AND A GOOK IS ANYONE
OF THE ORIENTAL PERSUASION.

FROM CHINA, AND A GOOK IS ANYONE
OF THE ORIENTAL PERSUASION.
A CHINK IS ALWAYS A GOOK, BUT A

OF THE ORIENTAL PERSUASION.
A CHINK IS ALWAYS A GOOK, BUT A
GOOK ISN'T ALWAYS A CHINK.

A CHINK IS ALWAYS A GOOK, BUT A
GOOK ISN'T ALWAYS A CHINK.
BUT DICK'S PREJUDICE DIDN'T

GOOK ISN'T ALWAYS A CHINK.
BUT DICK'S PREJUDICE DIDN'T
PREVENT MINORITY ADMIRERS FROM

BUT DICK'S PREJUDICE DIDN'T
PREVENT MINORITY ADMIRERS FROM
SUPPORTING HIM.

PREVENT MINORITY ADMIRERS FROM
SUPPORTING HIM.
IT WAS THAT WAY ON THAT SAME

SUPPORTING HIM.
IT WAS THAT WAY ON THAT SAME
NIGHT IN AUGUST."

IT WAS THAT WAY ON THAT SAME
NIGHT IN AUGUST."
YOU! YOU!

NIGHT IN AUGUST."
YOU! YOU!
YOU!

YOU! YOU!
YOU!
FRANKLIN DELANO "ROOSENFELT."

YOU!
FRANKLIN DELANO "ROOSENFELT."
YOU WERE A JEW, TOO, WEREN'T

FRANKLIN DELANO "ROOSENFELT."
YOU WERE A JEW, TOO, WEREN'T
YOU?

YOU WERE A JEW, TOO, WEREN'T
YOU?
WEREN'T YOU?

YOU?
WEREN'T YOU?
GUESS WHO, MAN.

WEREN'T YOU?
GUESS WHO, MAN.
ED BROOKE?

GUESS WHO, MAN.
ED BROOKE?
OH, WOW, MAN.

ED BROOKE?
OH, WOW, MAN.
GUESS AGAIN, MAN.

OH, WOW, MAN.
GUESS AGAIN, MAN.
PEARL BAILEY.

GUESS AGAIN, MAN.
PEARL BAILEY.
OH, MY MAN DOESN'T RECOGNIZE

PEARL BAILEY.
OH, MY MAN DOESN'T RECOGNIZE
ME?

OH, MY MAN DOESN'T RECOGNIZE
ME?
HA!

ME?
HA!
SAMMY.

HA!
SAMMY.
[LAUGHS]

SAMMY.
[LAUGHS]
[COUGHING]

[LAUGHS]
[COUGHING]
SAMMY, HOW DID YOU GET IN

[COUGHING]
SAMMY, HOW DID YOU GET IN
HERE?

SAMMY, HOW DID YOU GET IN
HERE?
OH, LIKE, MAN, I CAME THROUGH

HERE?
OH, LIKE, MAN, I CAME THROUGH
THE SERVICE ENTRANCE, MAN.

OH, LIKE, MAN, I CAME THROUGH
THE SERVICE ENTRANCE, MAN.
LOOK, I HEARD THAT YOU WERE

THE SERVICE ENTRANCE, MAN.
LOOK, I HEARD THAT YOU WERE
FEELING BLUE, AND I WANTED TO

LOOK, I HEARD THAT YOU WERE
FEELING BLUE, AND I WANTED TO
INSPIRE YOU WITH SOME OF MY

FEELING BLUE, AND I WANTED TO
INSPIRE YOU WITH SOME OF MY
FUNKY ENERGY...

INSPIRE YOU WITH SOME OF MY
FUNKY ENERGY...
AND A LITTLE SONG!

FUNKY ENERGY...
AND A LITTLE SONG!
CONKA-CHONK.

AND A LITTLE SONG!
CONKA-CHONK.
CONK CONKA-CHONK.

CONKA-CHONK.
CONK CONKA-CHONK.
CONKA CHI-KINK CONK.

CONK CONKA-CHONK.
CONKA CHI-KINK CONK.
♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT ♪

CONKA CHI-KINK CONK.
♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT ♪
♪ OR WHETHER I'M WRONG ♪

♪ WHETHER I'M RIGHT ♪
♪ OR WHETHER I'M WRONG ♪
♪ WHETHER I FIND A PLACE IN THIS

♪ OR WHETHER I'M WRONG ♪
♪ WHETHER I FIND A PLACE IN THIS
WORLD OR NEVER BELONG ♪

♪ WHETHER I FIND A PLACE IN THIS
WORLD OR NEVER BELONG ♪
♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪

WORLD OR NEVER BELONG ♪
♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪
♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪

♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪
♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪
♪ WHAT ELSE CAN I BE ♪

♪ I'VE GOTTA BE ME ♪
♪ WHAT ELSE CAN I BE ♪
FINE, ENOUGH, RIGHT.

♪ WHAT ELSE CAN I BE ♪
FINE, ENOUGH, RIGHT.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FINE, ENOUGH, RIGHT.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS A LOT, SAMMY.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS A LOT, SAMMY.
I HAVE ENOUGH TAPES OF YOU AS IT

THANKS A LOT, SAMMY.
I HAVE ENOUGH TAPES OF YOU AS IT
IS.

I HAVE ENOUGH TAPES OF YOU AS IT
IS.
I WAS JUST HAVING AN INTIMATE

IS.
I WAS JUST HAVING AN INTIMATE
CONVERSATION WITH MY FRIEND ABE

I WAS JUST HAVING AN INTIMATE
CONVERSATION WITH MY FRIEND ABE
HERE.

CONVERSATION WITH MY FRIEND ABE
HERE.
OH, LIKE, LIKE, WOW, MAN,

HERE.
OH, LIKE, LIKE, WOW, MAN,
YEAH.

OH, LIKE, LIKE, WOW, MAN,
YEAH.
I CAN DIG IT, MAN.

YEAH.
I CAN DIG IT, MAN.
BUT, UH, I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU

I CAN DIG IT, MAN.
BUT, UH, I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU
A FIVE AGAIN, MAN, YOU KNOW.

BUT, UH, I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU
A FIVE AGAIN, MAN, YOU KNOW.
SAMMY!

A FIVE AGAIN, MAN, YOU KNOW.
SAMMY!
[LAUGHS]

SAMMY!
[LAUGHS]
GROOVY!

[LAUGHS]
GROOVY!
FAR OUT! FAR OUT!

GROOVY!
FAR OUT! FAR OUT!
FAR OUT! GROOVY!

FAR OUT! FAR OUT!
FAR OUT! GROOVY!
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

FAR OUT! GROOVY!
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
MAYBE I SHOULD MAKE THE SPEECH

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
MAYBE I SHOULD MAKE THE SPEECH
OF MY LIFE.

MAYBE I SHOULD MAKE THE SPEECH
OF MY LIFE.
ABE! ABE!

OF MY LIFE.
ABE! ABE!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

ABE! ABE!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHY ME, ABE, OF ALL PEOPLE?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHY ME, ABE, OF ALL PEOPLE?
WHY ME?

WHY ME, ABE, OF ALL PEOPLE?
WHY ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A DIP!

WHY ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A DIP!
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]

BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A DIP!
[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]
"'BECAUSE... YOU'RE... SUCH...A

[HARP MUSIC PLAYS]
"'BECAUSE... YOU'RE... SUCH... A
DIP.'"

"'BECAUSE... YOU'RE... SUCH... A
DIP.'"
PAT, WHERE ARE YOU?

DIP.'"
PAT, WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M... I'M COLD, PAT.

PAT, WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M... I'M COLD, PAT.
"WELL, DEAR DIARY, I MUST

I'M... I'M COLD, PAT.
"WELL, DEAR DIARY, I MUST
CLOSE NOW."

"WELL, DEAR DIARY, I MUST
CLOSE NOW."
PAT, IT'S CHILLY IN HERE.

CLOSE NOW."
PAT, IT'S CHILLY IN HERE.
OH, THROW ANOTHER TAPE ON THE

PAT, IT'S CHILLY IN HERE.
OH, THROW ANOTHER TAPE ON THE
FIRE!

OH, THROW ANOTHER TAPE ON THE
FIRE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI, I'M GARY WEIS.
TONIGHT, MY FILM IS ABOUT
NEW YORK AND SOME OF NEW YORK'S

TONIGHT, MY FILM IS ABOUT
NEW YORK AND SOME OF NEW YORK'S
FANS.

NEW YORK AND SOME OF NEW YORK'S
FANS.
♪ LISTEN, ALL YOU

FANS.
♪ LISTEN, ALL YOU
NEW YORKERS ♪

♪ LISTEN, ALL YOU
NEW YORKERS ♪
♪ THERE'S A RUMOR GOIN' AROUND

NEW YORKERS ♪
♪ THERE'S A RUMOR GOIN' AROUND
THAT SOME OF YOU GOOD PEOPLE

♪ THERE'S A RUMOR GOIN' AROUND
THAT SOME OF YOU GOOD PEOPLE
WANT TO LEAVE THIS TOWN ♪

THAT SOME OF YOU GOOD PEOPLE
WANT TO LEAVE THIS TOWN ♪
♪ BUT YOU BETTER CONSULT WITH ME

WANT TO LEAVE THIS TOWN ♪
♪ BUT YOU BETTER CONSULT WITH ME
BEFORE YOU GO ♪

♪ BUT YOU BETTER CONSULT WITH ME
BEFORE YOU GO ♪
WHY?

BEFORE YOU GO ♪
WHY?
♪ 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN

WHY?
♪ 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN
ALL THESE PLACES, AND I KNOW ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN
ALL THESE PLACES, AND I KNOW ♪
♪ CHICAGO'S ALL RIGHT ♪

ALL THESE PLACES, AND I KNOW ♪
♪ CHICAGO'S ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ IT'S GOT WRIGLEY FIELD

♪ CHICAGO'S ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ IT'S GOT WRIGLEY FIELD
AND SOLDIER'S FIELD

♪ IT'S GOT WRIGLEY FIELD
AND SOLDIER'S FIELD
AND MARSHALL FIELD,

AND SOLDIER'S FIELD
AND MARSHALL FIELD,
AND IT'S ON A NICE LAKE ♪

AND MARSHALL FIELD,
AND IT'S ON A NICE LAKE ♪
♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪

AND IT'S ON A NICE LAKE ♪
♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪
OHH!

♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪
OHH!
♪ ...IN THE PARK ♪

OHH!
♪ ...IN THE PARK ♪
♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪

♪ ...IN THE PARK ♪
♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪
OHH!

♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪
OHH!
♪ ...AFTER DARK ♪

OHH!
♪ ...AFTER DARK ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S

♪ ...AFTER DARK ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S
MY HOME ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S
MY HOME ♪
DARN IT! OH!

MY HOME ♪
DARN IT! OH!
♪ NEW YORK'S

DARN IT! OH!
♪ NEW YORK'S
MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪

♪ NEW YORK'S
MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪
♪ HOLLYWOOD'S GOT MOVIE STARS

MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪
♪ HOLLYWOOD'S GOT MOVIE STARS
AND MOVIE CZARS AND SHINY CARS

♪ HOLLYWOOD'S GOT MOVIE STARS
AND MOVIE CZARS AND SHINY CARS
AND A... ♪

AND MOVIE CZARS AND SHINY CARS
AND A... ♪
BEAUTIFUL!

AND A... ♪
BEAUTIFUL!
♪ ...CLIMATE, THEY SAY ♪

BEAUTIFUL!
♪ ...CLIMATE, THEY SAY ♪
♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THAT... ♪

♪ ...CLIMATE, THEY SAY ♪
♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THAT... ♪
CHECK HIM!

♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THAT... ♪
CHECK HIM!
♪ ...SUBWAY TRAIN ♪

CHECK HIM!
♪ ...SUBWAY TRAIN ♪
♪ IT'S NEVER FINER... ♪

♪ ...SUBWAY TRAIN ♪
♪ IT'S NEVER FINER... ♪
OFF BASE!

♪ IT'S NEVER FINER... ♪
OFF BASE!
OH!

OFF BASE!
OH!
♪ ...WHEN IT RAINS ♪

OH!
♪ ...WHEN IT RAINS ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S

♪ ...WHEN IT RAINS ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S
MY HOME ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S
MY HOME ♪
KEEP IT IN. KEEP IT IN.

MY HOME ♪
KEEP IT IN. KEEP IT IN.
♪ KEEP YOUR CALIFORNIA ♪

KEEP IT IN. KEEP IT IN.
♪ KEEP YOUR CALIFORNIA ♪
♪ NEW YORK'S

♪ KEEP YOUR CALIFORNIA ♪
♪ NEW YORK'S
MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪

♪ NEW YORK'S
MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪
♪ LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE

MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪
♪ LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE
ST. LOUIS ♪

♪ LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE
ST. LOUIS ♪
♪ IT'S GOT LOTS OF SHOES

ST. LOUIS ♪
♪ IT'S GOT LOTS OF SHOES
AND THE ST. LOUIS BLUES

♪ IT'S GOT LOTS OF SHOES
AND THE ST. LOUIS BLUES
AND ONE OF OUR LARGE RIVERS

AND THE ST. LOUIS BLUES
AND ONE OF OUR LARGE RIVERS
RUNS BY ♪

AND ONE OF OUR LARGE RIVERS
RUNS BY ♪
♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪

RUNS BY ♪
♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪
COME ON, ACE.

♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪
COME ON, ACE.
♪ ...IN THE MET ♪

COME ON, ACE.
♪ ...IN THE MET ♪
♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪

♪ ...IN THE MET ♪
♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪
COME ON!

♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪
COME ON!
♪ ...STRING QUARTET ♪

COME ON!
♪ ...STRING QUARTET ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S

♪ ...STRING QUARTET ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S
MY HOME ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK'S
MY HOME ♪
SHOOT IT!

MY HOME ♪
SHOOT IT!
♪ NOT A PLACE TO VISIT ♪

SHOOT IT!
♪ NOT A PLACE TO VISIT ♪
♪ NEW YORK'S

♪ NOT A PLACE TO VISIT ♪
♪ NEW YORK'S
MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪

♪ NEW YORK'S
MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪
♪ SAN FRANCISCO'S

MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪
♪ SAN FRANCISCO'S
A LOVELY PLACE ♪

♪ SAN FRANCISCO'S
A LOVELY PLACE ♪
♪ IT'S GOT LOTS OF HILLS

A LOVELY PLACE ♪
♪ IT'S GOT LOTS OF HILLS
AND LOTS OF THRILLS,

♪ IT'S GOT LOTS OF HILLS
AND LOTS OF THRILLS,
AND IT'S ON AN OCEAN

AND LOTS OF THRILLS,
AND IT'S ON AN OCEAN
OF SOME SIZE ♪

AND IT'S ON AN OCEAN
OF SOME SIZE ♪
♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪

OF SOME SIZE ♪
♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪
WATCH IT!

♪ BUT IT HASN'T GOT THE... ♪
WATCH IT!
♪ ...OUTER BRONX ♪

WATCH IT!
♪ ...OUTER BRONX ♪
♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪

♪ ...OUTER BRONX ♪
♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪
OH!

♪ IT HASN'T GOT A... ♪
OH!
♪ ...HONKY-TONK ♪

OH!
♪ ...HONKY-TONK ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK I LOVE ♪

♪ ...HONKY-TONK ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK I LOVE ♪
♪ IT'S MY FAVORITE CITY ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY NEW YORK I LOVE ♪
♪ IT'S MY FAVORITE CITY ♪
♪ NEW YORK'S

♪ IT'S MY FAVORITE CITY ♪
♪ NEW YORK'S
MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪

♪ NEW YORK'S
MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪
♪ SO SAVE YOUR TIME

MY HOME SWEET HOME ♪
♪ SO SAVE YOUR TIME
AND TROUBLE ♪

♪ SO SAVE YOUR TIME
AND TROUBLE ♪
♪ I SAID SAVE YOUR...

AND TROUBLE ♪
♪ I SAID SAVE YOUR...
SAVE YOUR TIME ♪

♪ I SAID SAVE YOUR...
SAVE YOUR TIME ♪
OH!

SAVE YOUR TIME ♪
OH!
GO!

OH!
GO!
YEAH!

GO!
YEAH!
♪ I SAY YOU BETTER SAVE

YEAH!
♪ I SAY YOU BETTER SAVE
YOUR TIME AND TROUBLE, BROTHER ♪

♪ I SAY YOU BETTER SAVE
YOUR TIME AND TROUBLE, BROTHER ♪
♪ YEAH, SAVE YOUR

YOUR TIME AND TROUBLE, BROTHER ♪
♪ YEAH, SAVE YOUR
RAILROAD FARE ♪

♪ YEAH, SAVE YOUR
RAILROAD FARE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WHEN YOU LEAVE

RAILROAD FARE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WHEN YOU LEAVE
NEW YORK... ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHEN YOU LEAVE
NEW YORK... ♪
YEAH! WHOO-HOO!

NEW YORK... ♪
YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
♪ ...YOU AIN'T GOIN'

YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
♪ ...YOU AIN'T GOIN'
NOWHERE ♪

♪ ...YOU AIN'T GOIN'
NOWHERE ♪
[FINALE PLAYS]

NOWHERE ♪
[FINALE PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[As Jack Nicholson] YEAH,
SO THIS GUY SAYS TO THE CHINESE
TAILOR, "USE THE WORD

SO THIS GUY SAYS TO THE CHINESE
TAILOR, "USE THE WORD
'MACHIAVELLI' IN A SENTENCE."

TAILOR, "USE THE WORD
'MACHIAVELLI' IN A SENTENCE."
AND THE TAILOR SAYS, "I

'MACHIAVELLI' IN A SENTENCE."
AND THE TAILOR SAYS, "I
'MAK YOU A VELLY' NICE SUIT FOR

AND THE TAILOR SAYS, "I
'MAK YOU A VELLY' NICE SUIT FOR
$10."

'MAK YOU A VELLY' NICE SUIT FOR
$10."
YOU GET IT?

$10."
YOU GET IT?
NO, THE CHINESE TAILOR SAYS...

YOU GET IT?
NO, THE CHINESE TAILOR SAYS...
THE CHINESE... LOOK.

NO, THE CHINESE TAILOR SAYS...
THE CHINESE... LOOK.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, JAKE,

THE CHINESE... LOOK.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, JAKE,
OKAY?

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, JAKE,
OKAY?
BYE-BYE.

OKAY?
BYE-BYE.
MR. GITTES?

BYE-BYE.
MR. GITTES?
OKAY, MRS. MULWRAY.

MR. GITTES?
OKAY, MRS. MULWRAY.
OKAY.

OKAY, MRS. MULWRAY.
OKAY.
I GOT YOUR LETTER.

OKAY.
I GOT YOUR LETTER.
LET'S SEE.

I GOT YOUR LETTER.
LET'S SEE.
A WHITE MALE, ABOUT 50 YEARS

LET'S SEE.
A WHITE MALE, ABOUT 50 YEARS
OLD, A DARK MUSTACHE, WALKS WITH

A WHITE MALE, ABOUT 50 YEARS
OLD, A DARK MUSTACHE, WALKS WITH
A SLIGHT LIMP, ALWAYS WEARS A

OLD, A DARK MUSTACHE, WALKS WITH
A SLIGHT LIMP, ALWAYS WEARS A
BLUE DAHLIA IN HIS LEFT LAPEL,

A SLIGHT LIMP, ALWAYS WEARS A
BLUE DAHLIA IN HIS LEFT LAPEL,
HANGS OUT AT A CLUB CALLED

BLUE DAHLIA IN HIS LEFT LAPEL,
HANGS OUT AT A CLUB CALLED
THE EL MOCAMBO, ORDERS A

HANGS OUT AT A CLUB CALLED
THE EL MOCAMBO, ORDERS A
SLOE-GIN FIZZ.

THE EL MOCAMBO, ORDERS A
SLOE-GIN FIZZ.
WELL, MRS. MULWRAY, WITH THAT

SLOE-GIN FIZZ.
WELL, MRS. MULWRAY, WITH THAT
INFORMATION, I DON'T THINK WE'LL

WELL, MRS. MULWRAY, WITH THAT
INFORMATION, I DON'T THINK WE'LL
HAVE ANY PROBLEM FINDING YOUR

INFORMATION, I DON'T THINK WE'LL
HAVE ANY PROBLEM FINDING YOUR
HUSBAND, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I

HAVE ANY PROBLEM FINDING YOUR
HUSBAND, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN.

HUSBAND, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN.
THEY SAY YOU'RE THE BEST

MEAN.
THEY SAY YOU'RE THE BEST
GUMSHOE IN LOS ANGELES.

THEY SAY YOU'RE THE BEST
GUMSHOE IN LOS ANGELES.
BUT BEFORE I WRITE YOUR TICKET,

GUMSHOE IN LOS ANGELES.
BUT BEFORE I WRITE YOUR TICKET,
I GOT TO LEARN YOUR TECHNIQUE.

BUT BEFORE I WRITE YOUR TICKET,
I GOT TO LEARN YOUR TECHNIQUE.
HOW WILL YOU FIND HIM?

I GOT TO LEARN YOUR TECHNIQUE.
HOW WILL YOU FIND HIM?
TRACE HIM THROUGH CONTACTS,

HOW WILL YOU FIND HIM?
TRACE HIM THROUGH CONTACTS,
UNDERWORLD NETWORK, POLICE

TRACE HIM THROUGH CONTACTS,
UNDERWORLD NETWORK, POLICE
FEELERS?

UNDERWORLD NETWORK, POLICE
FEELERS?
HOW?

FEELERS?
HOW?
WELL, I WILL FOLLOW HIM.

HOW?
WELL, I WILL FOLLOW HIM.
♪ FOLLOW HIM

WELL, I WILL FOLLOW HIM.
♪ FOLLOW HIM
WHEREVER HE MAY GO ♪

♪ FOLLOW HIM
WHEREVER HE MAY GO ♪
BUT, UH, WILL YOU BE

WHEREVER HE MAY GO ♪
BUT, UH, WILL YOU BE
THOROUGH?

BUT, UH, WILL YOU BE
THOROUGH?
♪ THERE ISN'T AN OCEAN

THOROUGH?
♪ THERE ISN'T AN OCEAN
TOO DEEP ♪

♪ THERE ISN'T AN OCEAN
TOO DEEP ♪
♪ A MOUNTAIN SO HIGH

TOO DEEP ♪
♪ A MOUNTAIN SO HIGH
IT CAN KEEP...

♪ A MOUNTAIN SO HIGH
IT CAN KEEP...
KEEP ME AWAY ♪

IT CAN KEEP...
KEEP ME AWAY ♪
♪ I WILL FOLLOW HIM ♪

KEEP ME AWAY ♪
♪ I WILL FOLLOW HIM ♪
WELL, I HOPE SO, BECAUSE...

♪ I WILL FOLLOW HIM ♪
WELL, I HOPE SO, BECAUSE...
♪ EVER SINCE HE TOUCHED MY HAND,

WELL, I HOPE SO, BECAUSE...
♪ EVER SINCE HE TOUCHED MY HAND,
I KNEW ♪

♪ EVER SINCE HE TOUCHED MY HAND,
I KNEW ♪
♪ THAT NEAR HIM I ALWAYS MUST

I KNEW ♪
♪ THAT NEAR HIM I ALWAYS MUST
BE ♪

♪ THAT NEAR HIM I ALWAYS MUST
BE ♪
♪ AND NOTHING CAN KEEP HIM

BE ♪
♪ AND NOTHING CAN KEEP HIM
FROM ME ♪

♪ AND NOTHING CAN KEEP HIM
FROM ME ♪
♪ HE IS MY DESTINY ♪

FROM ME ♪
♪ HE IS MY DESTINY ♪
BUT YOUR LETTER SAID THAT

♪ HE IS MY DESTINY ♪
BUT YOUR LETTER SAID THAT
HE'S BEEN GONE A YEAR NOW.

BUT YOUR LETTER SAID THAT
HE'S BEEN GONE A YEAR NOW.
WHY DO YOU KEEP, UH, CARRYING A

HE'S BEEN GONE A YEAR NOW.
WHY DO YOU KEEP, UH, CARRYING A
TORCH FOR A HEEL LIKE THAT?

WHY DO YOU KEEP, UH, CARRYING A
TORCH FOR A HEEL LIKE THAT?
♪ I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM,

TORCH FOR A HEEL LIKE THAT?
♪ I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM,
I LOVE HIM ♪

♪ I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM,
I LOVE HIM ♪
♪ AND WHERE HE GOES,

I LOVE HIM ♪
♪ AND WHERE HE GOES,
I'LL FOLLOW, I'LL FOLLOW,

♪ AND WHERE HE GOES,
I'LL FOLLOW, I'LL FOLLOW,
I'LL FOLLOW ♪

I'LL FOLLOW, I'LL FOLLOW,
I'LL FOLLOW ♪
♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE

I'LL FOLLOW ♪
♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE
MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE,

♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE
MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE,
MY TRUE LOVE ♪

MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE,
MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER,

MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER,
FOREVER, FOREVER ♪

♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER,
FOREVER, FOREVER ♪
BUT, UM, IF YOU CANNOT FIND HIM,

FOREVER, FOREVER ♪
BUT, UM, IF YOU CANNOT FIND HIM,
WHAT WILL YOU DO?

BUT, UM, IF YOU CANNOT FIND HIM,
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING

WHAT WILL YOU DO?
WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
I CAN DO.

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
I CAN DO.
♪ I WILL FOLLOW HIM ♪

I CAN DO.
♪ I WILL FOLLOW HIM ♪
♪ FOLLOW HIM, FOLLOW HIM ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW HIM ♪
♪ FOLLOW HIM, FOLLOW HIM ♪
♪ FOLLOW HIM

♪ FOLLOW HIM, FOLLOW HIM ♪
♪ FOLLOW HIM
WHEREVER HE MAY GO ♪

♪ FOLLOW HIM
WHEREVER HE MAY GO ♪
♪ THERE ISN'T AN OCEAN

WHEREVER HE MAY GO ♪
♪ THERE ISN'T AN OCEAN
TOO DEEP ♪

♪ THERE ISN'T AN OCEAN
TOO DEEP ♪
♪ A MOUNTAIN SO HIGH

TOO DEEP ♪
♪ A MOUNTAIN SO HIGH
IT CAN'T KEEP... KEEP ME AWAY ♪

♪ A MOUNTAIN SO HIGH
IT CAN'T KEEP... KEEP ME AWAY ♪
♪ AWAY FROM MY LOVE ♪

IT CAN'T KEEP... KEEP ME AWAY ♪
♪ AWAY FROM MY LOVE ♪
WELL...

♪ AWAY FROM MY LOVE ♪
WELL...
YOU'VE GOT THE JOB.

WELL...
YOU'VE GOT THE JOB.
LISTEN.

YOU'VE GOT THE JOB.
LISTEN.
I-I HOPE YOU FIND HIM SOON

LISTEN.
I-I HOPE YOU FIND HIM SOON
BECAUSE NEXT WEEK IS MY

I-I HOPE YOU FIND HIM SOON
BECAUSE NEXT WEEK IS MY
BIRTHDAY, AND THERE'S GOING TO

BECAUSE NEXT WEEK IS MY
BIRTHDAY, AND THERE'S GOING TO
BE A BIG CELEBRATION, AND I JUST

BIRTHDAY, AND THERE'S GOING TO
BE A BIG CELEBRATION, AND I JUST
KNOW IF HE'S NOT THERE, I'LL BE

BE A BIG CELEBRATION, AND I JUST
KNOW IF HE'S NOT THERE, I'LL BE
IN TEARS ALL NIGHT.

KNOW IF HE'S NOT THERE, I'LL BE
IN TEARS ALL NIGHT.
TEARS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?

IN TEARS ALL NIGHT.
TEARS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
WELL, THAT'S FOOLISH.

TEARS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
WELL, THAT'S FOOLISH.
2, 3, 4...

WELL, THAT'S FOOLISH.
2, 3, 4...
♪ IT'S MY PARTY,

2, 3, 4...
♪ IT'S MY PARTY,
AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO ♪

♪ IT'S MY PARTY,
AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO ♪
♪ CRY IF I WANT TO,

AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO ♪
♪ CRY IF I WANT TO,
DIE IF I WANT TO ♪

♪ CRY IF I WANT TO,
DIE IF I WANT TO ♪
♪ YOU WOULD CRY, TOO,

DIE IF I WANT TO ♪
♪ YOU WOULD CRY, TOO,
IF IT HAPPENED TO YOU ♪

♪ YOU WOULD CRY, TOO,
IF IT HAPPENED TO YOU ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW MADELINE AND I ARE GONNA
DO SOME STUFF THAT YOU'VE NEVER
SEEN ON TELEVISION BEFORE.

DO SOME STUFF THAT YOU'VE NEVER
SEEN ON TELEVISION BEFORE.
FIRST OF ALL, MADELINE IS GOING

SEEN ON TELEVISION BEFORE.
FIRST OF ALL, MADELINE IS GOING
TO DO A BABY EATING ICE CREAM

FIRST OF ALL, MADELINE IS GOING
TO DO A BABY EATING ICE CREAM
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU... SO MUCH.
HA HA.
THANK YOU.

HA HA.
THANK YOU.
[CLEARS THROAT]

THANK YOU.
[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL, WE ALL HAVE OUR

[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL, WE ALL HAVE OUR
IMPRESSIONS OF VARIOUS THINGS,

WELL, WE ALL HAVE OUR
IMPRESSIONS OF VARIOUS THINGS,
AND GILDA HAS ONE, TOO.

IMPRESSIONS OF VARIOUS THINGS,
AND GILDA HAS ONE, TOO.
THIS IS GILDA'S IMPRESSION OF A

AND GILDA HAS ONE, TOO.
THIS IS GILDA'S IMPRESSION OF A
PARAKEET LEARNING HIS FIRST

THIS IS GILDA'S IMPRESSION OF A
PARAKEET LEARNING HIS FIRST
WORDS.

PARAKEET LEARNING HIS FIRST
WORDS.
[CLICKING]

WORDS.
[CLICKING]
HELLO.

[CLICKING]
HELLO.
[CLICKING]

HELLO.
[CLICKING]
HELLO.

[CLICKING]
HELLO.
[CLICKING]

HELLO.
[CLICKING]
HELLO.

[CLICKING]
HELLO.
[CLICKING]

HELLO.
[CLICKING]
HELLO.

[CLICKING]
HELLO.
[CLICKING]

HELLO.
[CLICKING]
HELLO.

[CLICKING]
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
VERY GOOD.

HELLO.
VERY GOOD.
HELLO.

VERY GOOD.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
GOOD, GOOD.

HELLO.
GOOD, GOOD.
HELLO.

GOOD, GOOD.
HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.
[CLICKING]

HELLO, MADELINE.
[CLICKING]
HELLO, MADELINE.

[CLICKING]
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.
H-HELLO.

HELLO, MADELINE.
H-HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.

H-HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
VERY GOOD!

HELLO, MADELINE.
VERY GOOD!
HELLO, MADELINE.

VERY GOOD!
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
ALL RIGHT.

HELLO, MADELINE.
ALL RIGHT.
HELLO, MADELINE.

ALL RIGHT.
HELLO, MADELINE.
[APPLAUSE]

HELLO, MADELINE.
[APPLAUSE]
HELLO.

[APPLAUSE]
HELLO.
HELLO.

HELLO.
HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO?

HELLO, MADELINE.
HELLO?
HELLO?

HELLO?
HELLO?
HELLO?

HELLO?
HELLO?
MADELINE?!

HELLO?
MADELINE?!
WHAT?!

MADELINE?!
WHAT?!
HELLO, MADELINE.

WHAT?!
HELLO, MADELINE.
[APPLAUSE]

HELLO, MADELINE.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ BEFORE LORD GOD
MADE THE SEA AND THE LAND ♪
♪ HE HELD ALL THE STARS

MADE THE SEA AND THE LAND ♪
♪ HE HELD ALL THE STARS
IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND ♪

♪ HE HELD ALL THE STARS
IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND ♪
♪ AND THEY RAN

IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND ♪
♪ AND THEY RAN
THROUGH HIS FINGERS

♪ AND THEY RAN
THROUGH HIS FINGERS
LIKE GRAINS OF SAND ♪

THROUGH HIS FINGERS
LIKE GRAINS OF SAND ♪
♪ AND ONE LITTLE STAR

LIKE GRAINS OF SAND ♪
♪ AND ONE LITTLE STAR
FELL ALONE ♪

♪ AND ONE LITTLE STAR
FELL ALONE ♪
♪ THEN THE LORD GOD HUNTED

FELL ALONE ♪
♪ THEN THE LORD GOD HUNTED
THROUGH THE WIDE NIGHT AIR

♪ THEN THE LORD GOD HUNTED
THROUGH THE WIDE NIGHT AIR
FOR THE LITTLE DARK STAR

THROUGH THE WIDE NIGHT AIR
FOR THE LITTLE DARK STAR
ON THE WIND DOWN THERE ♪

FOR THE LITTLE DARK STAR
ON THE WIND DOWN THERE ♪
♪ AND HE STATED AND PROMISED

ON THE WIND DOWN THERE ♪
♪ AND HE STATED AND PROMISED
HE'D TAKE SPECIAL CARE

♪ AND HE STATED AND PROMISED
HE'D TAKE SPECIAL CARE
SO IT WOULDN'T GET LOST AGAIN ♪

HE'D TAKE SPECIAL CARE
SO IT WOULDN'T GET LOST AGAIN ♪
♪ NOW, A MAN DON'T MIND

SO IT WOULDN'T GET LOST AGAIN ♪
♪ NOW, A MAN DON'T MIND
IF THE STARS GROW DIM

♪ NOW, A MAN DON'T MIND
IF THE STARS GROW DIM
AND THE CLOUDS BLOW OVER

IF THE STARS GROW DIM
AND THE CLOUDS BLOW OVER
AND DARKEN HIM ♪

AND THE CLOUDS BLOW OVER
AND DARKEN HIM ♪
♪ AS LONG AS THE LORD GOD'S

AND DARKEN HIM ♪
♪ AS LONG AS THE LORD GOD'S
WATCHING OVER HIM,

♪ AS LONG AS THE LORD GOD'S
WATCHING OVER HIM,
KEEPING TRACK

WATCHING OVER HIM,
KEEPING TRACK
HOW IT ALL GOES ON ♪

KEEPING TRACK
HOW IT ALL GOES ON ♪
♪ BUT I'VE BEEN WALKING

HOW IT ALL GOES ON ♪
♪ BUT I'VE BEEN WALKING
THROUGH THE NIGHT AND THE DAY

♪ BUT I'VE BEEN WALKING
THROUGH THE NIGHT AND THE DAY
TILL MY EYES GET WEARY

THROUGH THE NIGHT AND THE DAY
TILL MY EYES GET WEARY
AND MY HEAD TURNS GRAY ♪

TILL MY EYES GET WEARY
AND MY HEAD TURNS GRAY ♪
♪ AND SOMETIMES I THINK

AND MY HEAD TURNS GRAY ♪
♪ AND SOMETIMES I THINK
MAYBE GOD'S GONE AWAY,

♪ AND SOMETIMES I THINK
MAYBE GOD'S GONE AWAY,
FORGETTING THE PROMISE

MAYBE GOD'S GONE AWAY,
FORGETTING THE PROMISE
THAT WE HEARD HIM SAY ♪

FORGETTING THE PROMISE
THAT WE HEARD HIM SAY ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE

THAT WE HEARD HIM SAY ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE
IN THE STARS ♪

♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE
IN THE STARS ♪
♪ LITTLE STARS, BIG STARS

IN THE STARS ♪
♪ LITTLE STARS, BIG STARS
BLOWING THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

♪ LITTLE STARS, BIG STARS
BLOWING THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE

BLOWING THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE
IN THE STARS ♪

♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE
IN THE STARS ♪
♪ LITTLE STARS, BIG STARS

IN THE STARS ♪
♪ LITTLE STARS, BIG STARS
BLOWING THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

♪ LITTLE STARS, BIG STARS
BLOWING THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST ♪

BLOWING THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE

♪ AND WE'RE LOST ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE
IN THE STARS ♪

♪ AND WE'RE LOST OUT HERE
IN THE STARS ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S BEEN LOVELY.
YOU'VE ALL BEEN LOVELY.

IT'S BEEN LOVELY.
YOU'VE ALL BEEN LOVELY.
AND I JUST WANT TO PERSONALLY

YOU'VE ALL BEEN LOVELY.
AND I JUST WANT TO PERSONALLY
THANK CARLY SIMON FOR SINGING ON

AND I JUST WANT TO PERSONALLY
THANK CARLY SIMON FOR SINGING ON
THE SHOW THAT I'M ON.

THANK CARLY SIMON FOR SINGING ON
THE SHOW THAT I'M ON.
I WAS REALLY HONORED TO HAVE HER

THE SHOW THAT I'M ON.
I WAS REALLY HONORED TO HAVE HER
HERE.

I WAS REALLY HONORED TO HAVE HER
HERE.
AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE AND

HERE.
AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE AND
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL YOU

AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE AND
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL YOU
MOTHERS.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL YOU
MOTHERS.
AND, UH, THANKS.

MOTHERS.
AND, UH, THANKS.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

AND, UH, THANKS.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
[BAND PLAYS]

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
[BAND PLAYS]
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: JIM HENSON'S

MUPPETS WERE FRANK OZ AND

JERRY NELSON.

NEXT WEEK, "SATURDAY NIGHT'S"

HOST WILL BE DYAN CANNON.

THIS IS DON PARDO, AND IF

LORNE MICHAELS IS LISTENING, I

DO A FANTASTIC IMPRESSION OF

THE BEATLES, AND I SURE CAN USE

THE MONEY.

♪ SHE LOVES ME,

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ SHE LOVES ME,

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪♪

♪ I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND ♪

I GUESS HE'S NOT LISTENING.

OH, WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪