1 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,758 Britain enters lockdown. 2 00:00:56,791 --> 00:00:59,092 Now people can only leave their homes 3 00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:00,360 for very limited reasons. 4 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,529 The UK wakes up 5 00:01:01,563 --> 00:01:03,463 to the toughest restrictions on daily life 6 00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,833 in living memory to tackle coronavirus. 7 00:01:05,867 --> 00:01:07,301 This has been the sort of scene 8 00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:09,403 imagined by science fiction writers 9 00:01:09,436 --> 00:01:11,606 after an apocalyptic disaster. 10 00:01:46,608 --> 00:01:49,276 Don't you carry anything, wee man, okay? 11 00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,548 Here, carry this. 12 00:02:01,856 --> 00:02:04,525 - Ugh. - Not in the living room! 13 00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:10,364 I mean, my God. 14 00:02:10,397 --> 00:02:12,700 The only thing keeping us together is our child. 15 00:02:12,734 --> 00:02:14,334 - Arthur. - Little Artie. 16 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:15,235 His name is Arthur. 17 00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:16,714 Yeah, and if it wasn't for little Artie, 18 00:02:16,738 --> 00:02:18,238 we would have split up years ago. 19 00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:19,850 The truth is, we just can't stand each other. 20 00:02:19,874 --> 00:02:21,274 Don't like each other. 21 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,342 So, this lockdown, 22 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,277 being in the same house together, me and him... 23 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:25,689 The only thing that makes living with her 24 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,280 even remotely bearable 25 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,383 is knowing that I get to leave this house every day. 26 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:30,852 I feel exactly the same. 27 00:02:30,885 --> 00:02:32,486 Oh, my God, saying goodbye to you, 28 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,689 it is without doubt the best part of my day. 29 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,524 Just being in the same room as him... 30 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,793 Coming back and having to see her again, I mean, fuck... 31 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,895 it's like a sadness and a soul-stink 32 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,295 both mixed together. 33 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:43,765 I hate your face. 34 00:02:43,798 --> 00:02:45,633 - My face? - I hate your face. 35 00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:46,701 Oh, you hate my face? 36 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:47,878 It's just your face. I hate it. 37 00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:50,203 Oh. What, so you're saying I'm unattractive then or... 38 00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:51,949 No, no, you're attrac... I mean, she's very attractive. 39 00:02:51,973 --> 00:02:53,608 It's just your face, I totally hate it. 40 00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:54,818 I actually think of him as a cancer. 41 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,887 I hate looking at it. It's maybe your eyes or something. 42 00:02:56,911 --> 00:02:58,345 And... not skin or testicle, 43 00:02:58,378 --> 00:02:59,881 but one of the really bad ones, 44 00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:01,883 you know, like liver, pancreatic. 45 00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:03,359 Is it your cheeks? I mean, I can't even 46 00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:05,252 - put my finger on it. - It's colorectal... 47 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,421 When I think about you, I get exactly the same feeling 48 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,590 as when I think about my dead dad's cancer. 49 00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,458 - Exactly the same. - It's your lips. 50 00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:13,360 - It's her lips. - I've got great lips. 51 00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:14,705 Aye, no, you do, you've got great lips. 52 00:03:14,729 --> 00:03:16,831 They're fantastic. I just totally hate them. 53 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:17,941 We should never have got together 54 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:18,933 - in the first place. - Madness. 55 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:21,368 I mean, we're just so different, poles apart. 56 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:24,605 But at the time, you think, "Oh, opposites attract." 57 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:25,783 You're caught up in all the... 58 00:03:25,807 --> 00:03:26,984 Do you know what else attracts? 59 00:03:27,008 --> 00:03:28,284 Hormones and pheromones and... 60 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,209 Serial killers to victims. 61 00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:30,978 Intoxication and the heart-racing sex. 62 00:03:31,012 --> 00:03:32,547 Oh, Jesus. Oh, God, 63 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,347 just the thought of... 64 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,316 actually having sex with you is... 65 00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:37,752 I know. I know. 66 00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:39,921 And politically as well, we're totally different. 67 00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,522 Aye. I believe in hard work. 68 00:03:41,556 --> 00:03:44,025 Everyone believes in hard work! 69 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,560 Aye, whereas she, right, 70 00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:48,830 is a good old-fashioned, unreconstructed socialist. 71 00:03:48,863 --> 00:03:50,732 That's my mother you're describing. 72 00:03:50,765 --> 00:03:52,533 You're actually talking about my mother. 73 00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,301 You've never understood my politics. 74 00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:55,503 I'm actually quite moderate. 75 00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:56,738 I just happen to believe 76 00:03:56,771 --> 00:03:59,607 in not exploiting the workers of this country. 77 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,510 The workers. Listen to this. 78 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,887 What do you know about the workers? 79 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,713 I'm actually from the workers, right? 80 00:04:05,747 --> 00:04:06,614 I was brought up by the workers 81 00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,025 and the workers aren't what you think. 82 00:04:08,049 --> 00:04:10,283 It's not all fish suppers and roll-ups 83 00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:12,319 and sing songs round the old Joanna. 84 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:13,821 The workers are fucking horrible. 85 00:04:13,855 --> 00:04:15,322 You just hate people. 86 00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:16,423 I just hate lazy. 87 00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:17,457 Meanwhile, those of us 88 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,392 who were brought up in the chattering classes. 89 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,730 - Oh, my God, listen to this. - The literati elite. 90 00:04:22,764 --> 00:04:24,766 My dad was a dentist! 91 00:04:24,799 --> 00:04:26,701 You pull yourself up by the bootstraps, right? 92 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:27,702 That's what I did. 93 00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,670 Got myself on top, worked hard and I got out. 94 00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:32,006 Jesus Christ, dial it back. 95 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:35,076 Yeah, you're from fucking Kilmarnock, not Compton. 96 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:36,644 We were poor! 97 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:37,979 I got on top, I got out. 98 00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:39,580 At the time I thought, you know, 99 00:04:39,614 --> 00:04:42,016 "Oh, that's cute, he's a Tory." 100 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,785 I am not a Tory. 101 00:04:43,818 --> 00:04:46,854 You've voted Conservative in every election since we met. 102 00:04:46,888 --> 00:04:48,890 I voted for Tony Blair. 103 00:04:48,923 --> 00:04:51,993 Oh, fuck, can we just not talk about politics, please? 104 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,864 We're worried about my mum. 105 00:04:56,898 --> 00:04:57,941 We should've just brought her here. 106 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,934 Well, there's no point in rehashing it, is there? 107 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,736 I mean, we made a decision... 108 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:04,005 I'm not "rehashing," all right? 109 00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:04,906 It's not what I'm doing. 110 00:05:04,939 --> 00:05:06,674 I know we made a decision, I know that. 111 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,843 It's just, she's on her own, right? 112 00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,878 - And little Artie... - Arthur. 113 00:05:10,912 --> 00:05:12,022 He's only got one grandparent 114 00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:14,682 and I'd love him to be able to keep her. And besides, 115 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:15,993 it's not like there's that many people 116 00:05:16,017 --> 00:05:18,853 that, you know, get him. 117 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,063 She's got carers that come in. 118 00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,488 They're awful. 119 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:24,357 They are not awful, they're overworked. 120 00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:25,693 They come in, right, 121 00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,728 for 45 minutes, three times a day. 122 00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,597 They chuck on some microwave pasta, 123 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:30,565 change her colostomy bag 124 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,009 and then they're straight on to their phones. 125 00:05:32,033 --> 00:05:35,402 That was one, that... that was one girl. 126 00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,972 And some of them are amazing, you know. 127 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,373 And they... they're paid shit, by the way. 128 00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:41,718 They work from 7:00 in the morning 129 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:42,610 until 10:00 at night. 130 00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:44,812 And they travel from client to client. 131 00:05:44,846 --> 00:05:46,781 And if there's waiting in between clients, 132 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,415 they don't get paid for that, you know. 133 00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:50,084 It works out less than minimum wage. 134 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,819 I'm not having a go at them, all right? 135 00:05:51,853 --> 00:05:52,996 I know some of them are amazing. 136 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,387 But some of them are not amazing, 137 00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:55,857 and they're not even family. 138 00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:57,859 And that is another thing, they're traveling. 139 00:05:57,892 --> 00:05:59,627 Is that... Is that okay? 140 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:00,695 I don't know. 141 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:01,905 I mean, are they wearing masks 142 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,798 when they're on the bus or whatever? 143 00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:05,142 I've seen people out there, people out there 144 00:06:05,166 --> 00:06:06,133 - are wearing masks. - Yeah. Yeah. 145 00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:08,468 Well, they're advising against wearing masks. 146 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,080 What happens when they're on public transport, 147 00:06:10,104 --> 00:06:11,906 do they become a vehicle or a vector? 148 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,050 And other countries are wearing masks. 149 00:06:13,074 --> 00:06:13,908 Should we be wearing masks? 150 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,743 - I don't know! - That's what I'm saying! 151 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,912 Nobody seems to know anything! 152 00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:21,649 Anything at all. 153 00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:22,884 Fuck's sake. 154 00:06:22,917 --> 00:06:25,485 We've been trying to get her into a home, me and my sister. 155 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,663 It's a beautiful place. Beautiful. 156 00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:27,922 I mean, it's got all the gear. 157 00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,456 We're not trying to get rid of her. 158 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,959 You know, line dancing in the morning, 159 00:06:31,993 --> 00:06:34,095 kidney dialysis in the evening. 160 00:06:34,128 --> 00:06:35,172 And she knows you're not trying 161 00:06:35,196 --> 00:06:36,063 to get rid of her, by the way. 162 00:06:36,097 --> 00:06:37,765 Well, when we went there last, she said, 163 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,438 "You bitches are trying to get rid of me." 164 00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:40,968 She's a colorful character. 165 00:06:41,002 --> 00:06:42,012 We just want her looked after. 166 00:06:42,036 --> 00:06:44,906 Yeah. And both my parents are dead so, you know... 167 00:06:44,939 --> 00:06:46,807 thank God. 168 00:06:48,142 --> 00:06:49,944 Look, I'm... 169 00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:52,013 I'm really sorry. 170 00:06:52,046 --> 00:06:54,882 Okay, we need to get on, I totally know that. 171 00:06:54,916 --> 00:06:56,593 And God knows how long this thing is gonna last. 172 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:59,520 It's just, this whole thing, it is so confusing. 173 00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:02,156 It's just, nobody seems to know what is going on. 174 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:03,991 The ship is steering itself 175 00:07:04,025 --> 00:07:06,527 and all the grown-ups have been fucking beamed up. 176 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:11,198 And the people out there, unbelievable. Unbelievable. 177 00:07:11,232 --> 00:07:13,567 What about the people out there? 178 00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,803 Well, go on. 179 00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,014 Don't worry about it, you'll get all... 180 00:07:17,038 --> 00:07:18,649 - No, come on. Look... - No, it's all right. 181 00:07:18,673 --> 00:07:20,017 If we're gonna get through this, then we're gonna 182 00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:21,976 - have to, you know... - What? 183 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,811 - Well, talk. - Us? 184 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,813 Yeah. I think so. Don't you? 185 00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,181 You want me to talk? 186 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:29,917 Well, I suppose so. I mean, don't we have to? 187 00:07:29,951 --> 00:07:30,991 - All right. - Like, a bit? 188 00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:32,820 Yeah, all right, all right. 189 00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,097 Well, look, this was yesterday, right, 190 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,090 just before they announced the lockdown, 191 00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,490 and I'm down at the Tesco local. 192 00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:38,568 You know, the one on the corner? 193 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,703 Yeah, the one on the corner... 194 00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:41,862 Yeah, I'm at the Tesco local, the one in the corner, 195 00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:45,566 and I'm in there, right, and it has been picked clean. 196 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,802 I mean, locusts, right? 197 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,646 And I'm in there 'cause I wanna get aubergines, 198 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,748 - I'm gonna do this katsu... - Katsu curry aubergine. Yeah. 199 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:52,849 I'm gonna do my katsu curry aubergine. 200 00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,873 I mean, it's the only fucking thing Artie will eat. 201 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,579 And so, there's not a sign of an aubergine, right, 202 00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:02,750 not a courgette, not a tomato, not a carrot. 203 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,852 And so I see this woman that works there, 204 00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,887 I recognized her, I've seen her before. 205 00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:11,225 She's, erm, like 50s and quite short, and... 206 00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,170 and like I don't mean this to be rude or anything like that, 207 00:08:13,194 --> 00:08:14,237 but she's quite recognizable 208 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,572 'cause she's got quite a big nose. 209 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:16,873 - Yeah, I know her. - You know the one? 210 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,065 Yeah, she's lovely. 211 00:08:18,099 --> 00:08:19,233 She comes out from behind 212 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,669 one of those plastic flappy curtains that they've got, 213 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,704 and when she does, I can see in there 214 00:08:23,738 --> 00:08:24,781 and I can see a whole crate, 215 00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:28,209 whole stack of aubergines, right, masses of them. 216 00:08:28,242 --> 00:08:30,253 So I'm like, "Brilliant." I go up to her and I'm like, 217 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,913 "Excuse me. Excuse me, have you got any aubergines?" 218 00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:35,716 And she's like, "No." And I'm like, "What?" 219 00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:37,151 She's like, "No, we're out," 220 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:39,086 just like that, not even particularly polite. 221 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,288 Which is unusual for her because she is lovely. 222 00:08:41,322 --> 00:08:43,057 Anyway. So I go back up and I'm like, 223 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,992 "Erm, excuse me. Excuse me." 224 00:08:45,026 --> 00:08:47,561 "I happened to glance behind the plastic flappy curtains" 225 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,563 "and I noticed a whole crate of aubergines." 226 00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:52,867 And she's like, "Oh, fuck, oh, no," like, flustered 227 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,244 because suddenly she thinks there's gonna be 228 00:08:54,268 --> 00:08:56,837 a "situation" or something like that, right. 229 00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:59,006 And she goes, "I can't give you those aubergines." 230 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,307 And I'm like, "Why not?" 231 00:09:00,341 --> 00:09:02,309 And she goes, "'Cause my manager says" 232 00:09:02,343 --> 00:09:03,887 "we're not to put those aubergines out yet." 233 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,012 And I'm like, "Ah, right", 234 00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:06,847 "no, I get it, I get it," you know. 235 00:09:06,881 --> 00:09:08,949 I say, "Listen, here's the thing", 236 00:09:08,983 --> 00:09:10,885 "my little boy, he's a lovely little boy, 237 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,120 "but he's a bit weird about things. 238 00:09:13,154 --> 00:09:15,332 "And right now, aubergines are the only thing he'll eat. 239 00:09:15,356 --> 00:09:17,691 "So I'm not asking you to go in there 240 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:18,802 "and put all the aubergines out, 241 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,837 "I'm just asking you to go in there and get me three 242 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,964 "so that I can do katsu curry tonight." And she goes... 243 00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:28,069 like, voice all wobbling, she's like, "Sir..." 244 00:09:28,102 --> 00:09:29,312 "I can't give you those aubergines 245 00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,539 "because we now believe" 246 00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:33,774 "that one of our drivers has fallen prey to the coronavirus" 247 00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:34,775 "and we're trying to figure out" 248 00:09:34,809 --> 00:09:37,044 "if he's the one that touched that produce." 249 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,724 And she thinks that's the end of it, right. 250 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,192 But I'm like, "I'll give you a tenner." 251 00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:43,651 And she goes, "No." 252 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,152 So I goes, "I'll give you 20 quid." 253 00:09:45,186 --> 00:09:46,329 And she's like, "Sir, I can't." 254 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,955 I'm like, "50 quid for three aubergines." 255 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:49,199 She's like, "Please, sir, don't." 256 00:09:49,223 --> 00:09:51,158 "£200, right here, right now." 257 00:09:51,192 --> 00:09:53,627 She's like, "Really, sir, I can't." "A grand." 258 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:55,362 "What?" 259 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,100 "I'll give you a grand, £1,000, 260 00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:01,168 "right here, right now. I'm good for it. 261 00:10:01,202 --> 00:10:02,069 "I've got my own business 262 00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:03,213 "and I've done really well for myself. 263 00:10:03,237 --> 00:10:05,048 "I'll head to the cashpoint, use three credit cards." 264 00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,107 "I'll come back here," 265 00:10:06,140 --> 00:10:08,309 "I'll put a grand in your hand if you go in there" 266 00:10:08,342 --> 00:10:10,945 "and you get me three aubergines." 267 00:10:12,246 --> 00:10:13,286 And she's thinking, right, 268 00:10:13,314 --> 00:10:15,182 'cause, I mean, she needs this. 269 00:10:15,216 --> 00:10:17,318 What is she on? Minimum wage, a little bit above? 270 00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:18,929 She needs this. She's living hand to mouth, 271 00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,222 so she's thinking, right. 272 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,758 She goes like this... 273 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,394 all around her to see if anybody's listening. 274 00:10:27,428 --> 00:10:29,029 Then she goes, "Sir..." 275 00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,865 Voice all wobbling, God love her... 276 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,968 "I would love £1,000, I really would. 277 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,112 "It would make such a difference 278 00:10:35,136 --> 00:10:37,371 "to me and my family, but... 279 00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,840 "I can't, in all good conscience," 280 00:10:39,874 --> 00:10:40,975 "give you those aubergines" 281 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:44,879 "because if you, or your son, or anybody else died," 282 00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,947 "then what kind of person would I be?" 283 00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,153 And I look at her, standing there, 284 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,388 and I say, 285 00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,024 "You big-nosed prick. 286 00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,426 "You fucking loser." 287 00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:02,696 "Do you not understand, you fucking big-nosed prick loser?" 288 00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:05,166 "This is the reason why you're stuck in this shitty job" 289 00:11:05,199 --> 00:11:08,135 "and I've got an E-Class Benz waiting for me outside!" 290 00:11:08,169 --> 00:11:09,312 And I just dropped my shopping 291 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,205 all over the floor and I walked out. 292 00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,907 - Oh, my God. - Mm. 293 00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:15,809 - Oh, God. - What? 294 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,345 Oh, God. Oh, God! 295 00:11:18,379 --> 00:11:19,890 It's the only fucking thing he'll eat right now! 296 00:11:19,914 --> 00:11:21,115 You are awful. 297 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,192 I wanted to do the katsu curry... 298 00:11:22,216 --> 00:11:23,360 You are the worst human alive! 299 00:11:23,384 --> 00:11:24,285 You said talk. 300 00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:25,328 It's the only thing he'll eat right now! 301 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,821 - What kind of awful person... - You said talk! 302 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,032 Yeah, I didn't know what was gonna come out 303 00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:29,890 - of your fucking mouth! - Thank you. 304 00:11:29,924 --> 00:11:32,226 I feel awful now. Thank you very much! 305 00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,894 - You feel awful now? - Aye, I do. 306 00:11:33,928 --> 00:11:34,762 Do you know what blows my mind? 307 00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:37,131 Do you know what actually wakes me up 308 00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:39,033 in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, 309 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,268 is the fact that I used to love him. 310 00:11:41,302 --> 00:11:43,103 I did. I really did. 311 00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:44,147 I mean, how is that even possible? 312 00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,006 Believe me, our former feelings for each other 313 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,008 are as inexplicable to me as they are to you. 314 00:11:48,042 --> 00:11:50,477 But she's right, we were in love. 315 00:11:50,512 --> 00:11:52,446 I thought she was incredible. 316 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,848 - I thought he was charming. - Now I think you're repugnant. 317 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:57,051 Now I think you've got the same level of charm 318 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,053 as diarrhea in a pint glass. 319 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:00,120 Right. 320 00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,488 Lockdown is gonna be hard then. 321 00:12:01,523 --> 00:12:03,724 It's gonna be really, really hard. 322 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,292 Really hard. 323 00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,544 Breaking news coming in to us 324 00:12:22,577 --> 00:12:24,778 within the past few seconds. 325 00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:28,115 The Prime Minister has been admitted into intensive care 326 00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:31,218 with those persistent symptoms of coronavirus. 327 00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:32,820 Now as cities 328 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,522 in lockdown fall almost silent, 329 00:12:34,556 --> 00:12:37,391 the largest, brightest super moon of 2020 330 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,993 has risen in the night sky. 331 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,127 The spread of this virus 332 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,997 is not accelerating and that is good news. 333 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,865 Don't give me any more. 334 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,867 Oh, you've given me some. 335 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,903 You're a rotter. 336 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,539 - Mushrooms? - Huh? Oh! 337 00:12:51,573 --> 00:12:54,408 Oh, Christ, yes. Tell them about the mushrooms. Go on. 338 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,410 Basically, mushrooms are to blame for everything. 339 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,045 She tells it better than I do. 340 00:12:58,078 --> 00:12:59,557 Everything is the fault of the mushrooms! 341 00:12:59,581 --> 00:13:01,315 If it wasn't for the mushrooms, right, 342 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:02,493 we wouldn't still be together. 343 00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:04,461 You tell it so much better than I do. Go on, tell them. 344 00:13:04,485 --> 00:13:06,020 So, this is year three. 345 00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:08,289 We've had the warm, cuddly first year. 346 00:13:08,322 --> 00:13:10,157 Bliss, love, harmony. 347 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,293 And made it through the slightly spiky second year. 348 00:13:12,326 --> 00:13:15,095 That gentle descent into snarkiness and bickering. 349 00:13:15,129 --> 00:13:16,473 And now we're well into year three. 350 00:13:16,497 --> 00:13:18,899 The terrifying plunge into the icy, Arctic tundra. 351 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:19,900 Am I actually telling it? 352 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,969 And by this point, right, we hate each other. 353 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,138 And we don't wanna admit it, but we both know, 354 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,440 and we're both independently 355 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,375 making plans to get the hell out of dodge. 356 00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:31,979 I vividly remember being at dinner with him 357 00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,581 and watching him eat and just thinking 358 00:13:33,615 --> 00:13:35,916 it's the worst thing I've ever experienced. 359 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,852 What? I'm not a... I'm not a bad eater. 360 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:40,622 No, it's not that you're a bad eater, 361 00:13:40,655 --> 00:13:43,023 it's just, like, the fact of you eating. 362 00:13:43,057 --> 00:13:45,092 Like, watching you eat 363 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:48,162 makes all the various different processes involved 364 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,997 more apparent. 365 00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:53,601 You know, like, mastication and rending of flesh, 366 00:13:53,635 --> 00:13:55,637 grinding of matter, 367 00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:59,106 just mixing with saliva and sucking it down 368 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:03,077 into your big old meat-bowl of acid, to break it down 369 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:07,081 until it's no more than a brown sausage of turd 370 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,183 to be squeezed out via your anus. 371 00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,485 Wow, you get all that from eating? 372 00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:13,354 Er, no, just you eating. 373 00:14:13,387 --> 00:14:16,390 So, safe to say we're not... we're not gonna carry on. 374 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,526 And we had this massive blow-up 375 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,594 just before my birthday. 376 00:14:19,627 --> 00:14:21,596 Like, massive. Final straw. 377 00:14:21,629 --> 00:14:24,898 But I'd stupidly booked a surprise birthday weekend. 378 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,367 Mushroom picking, of all things, 379 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,468 in the New Forest. 380 00:14:27,502 --> 00:14:28,570 The New fucking Forest. 381 00:14:28,603 --> 00:14:31,372 And it was a non-refundable deposit, so, you know... 382 00:14:31,405 --> 00:14:33,974 So they take you out to the New fucking Forest 383 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,276 at some godawful time of the morning 384 00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:38,078 and they force you to pick mushrooms. 385 00:14:38,112 --> 00:14:39,947 They show you which ones are good, 386 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,559 how they should be picked, how they should be cooked. 387 00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:42,950 It was really interesting actually. 388 00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,552 It was so boring. 389 00:14:44,586 --> 00:14:46,296 Come on, had we been in a living relationship, 390 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,155 we could've actually made some friends. 391 00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,090 The people were awful. 392 00:14:50,124 --> 00:14:52,292 I thought one or two of them were okay. 393 00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:56,096 What about your man who was like... 394 00:14:56,130 --> 00:14:57,599 Oh, yeah. He should've been executed. 395 00:14:57,632 --> 00:15:00,033 So, they teach you how to pick mushrooms 396 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,036 and they also teach you which mushrooms not to pick. 397 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,339 And there's this one particular mushroom 398 00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:06,240 and the guy's like, 399 00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:09,042 "If you eat that, it's not gonna kill you, 400 00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,944 "but it will be really bad. 401 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:14,516 "If you eat that mushroom, there will be stomach cramps," 402 00:15:14,549 --> 00:15:16,283 "there will be projectile vomiting," 403 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:19,386 "there will be extraordinary diarrhea" 404 00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,188 "and you'll piss yourself." 405 00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,157 And we were both thinking the same thing, 406 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:26,293 "I would love to shove that into the other one's fricassee 407 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,262 - "and watch them squirm." - Wild, right? 408 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:31,131 Like, I would love to pick that mushroom 409 00:15:31,165 --> 00:15:34,502 and watch that stupid bastard lying on the floor, 410 00:15:34,536 --> 00:15:37,938 shitting his pants, thinking he's gonna die. 411 00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,576 I mean, not really, you know. 412 00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:42,720 You don't really want that to happen. 413 00:15:42,744 --> 00:15:45,145 You're just enjoying the fact that it could happen. 414 00:15:45,747 --> 00:15:48,081 Yeah. And then... 415 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,519 - It did happen. - Yeah. 416 00:15:51,553 --> 00:15:54,054 - I got poisoned. - He did. He did get poisoned. 417 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,390 Oh, my God. One of us picked the wrong mushrooms. 418 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,425 I mean, they look stupidly like the good ones. 419 00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:00,662 They ended up in this fricassee, which I alone ate. 420 00:16:00,695 --> 00:16:02,429 Yeah, because you went on ahead. 421 00:16:02,463 --> 00:16:03,997 Because you were too busy dawdling 422 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,399 buying New fucking Forest fudge. 423 00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,334 Yeah, for your weird friend, Nathan, 424 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,136 who specifically asked you to buy it 425 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,673 and yet you get angry at me for trying to 426 00:16:11,706 --> 00:16:13,508 and then you just, like, sulk on ahead 427 00:16:13,541 --> 00:16:15,677 and cook them up yourself to make a point. 428 00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:16,711 Aye. Look... 429 00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,413 I thought I was gonna die, okay? 430 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,281 Yeah. He did. He really thought that. 431 00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:22,449 The pain was extraordinary. 432 00:16:22,483 --> 00:16:23,627 He did think he was gonna die. 433 00:16:23,651 --> 00:16:25,061 That feeling that something in your body 434 00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,153 that wants you dead... 435 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,254 He was fine, though. 436 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,188 I was at death's door! 437 00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:30,558 You were... Yeah, you were at the door. 438 00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:31,526 You weren't on the premises. 439 00:16:31,559 --> 00:16:33,661 The guy specifically said they're not fatal. 440 00:16:33,695 --> 00:16:37,397 It took the ambulance 1 hour and 30 minutes to get there. 441 00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:40,033 No, it did. It did take that long. 442 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,468 - That was a bit scary. - Mm-hmm. 443 00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:44,137 I held his hand the whole time. 444 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,674 Yeah, you did. She held my hand. 445 00:16:46,708 --> 00:16:47,642 See, thing is, 446 00:16:47,675 --> 00:16:49,544 that when you go through something like that, 447 00:16:49,577 --> 00:16:51,546 you feel this terrifying panic, right, 448 00:16:51,579 --> 00:16:54,381 this absolute certainty that you're going to die today. 449 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:55,449 Just to reiterate... 450 00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:56,594 And that the person you're with 451 00:16:56,618 --> 00:17:00,822 is the last person you're ever gonna see, it bonds you. 452 00:17:00,855 --> 00:17:02,322 Yeah, I mean, when you go through 453 00:17:02,356 --> 00:17:04,057 something like that, it does bond you. 454 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,227 So we decided to try again. 455 00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:08,606 Which was the biggest fucking mistake 456 00:17:08,630 --> 00:17:10,665 in the history of mistakes! 457 00:17:10,698 --> 00:17:12,834 Because in that brief respite, right, 458 00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:16,671 on the sunny uplands of stupidity, 459 00:17:16,704 --> 00:17:20,575 we decided that what we really needed was a child, huh? 460 00:17:20,608 --> 00:17:23,578 Never make decisions after a near-death experience. 461 00:17:23,611 --> 00:17:26,079 Or even a death-adjacent experience. 462 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,716 That fetus, right, was no bigger 463 00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:31,519 than a fucking bullet to the head before we remembered 464 00:17:31,553 --> 00:17:33,621 that we could not stand the sight of each other. 465 00:17:33,655 --> 00:17:36,691 And the rest, as they say, is shit-story. 466 00:17:36,724 --> 00:17:38,392 And that's the mushroom story. 467 00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:39,661 Artie, here. 468 00:17:41,863 --> 00:17:43,631 It's not been that bad, though, lockdown. 469 00:17:43,665 --> 00:17:44,699 No! 470 00:17:44,732 --> 00:17:46,133 We're two weeks done 471 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,511 and, you know, we're getting through it. 472 00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:48,603 Yeah, we are. 473 00:17:48,636 --> 00:17:49,847 Don't get me wrong. It's not been pleasant though. 474 00:17:49,871 --> 00:17:51,104 God, no. 475 00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,574 We still have to see each other, 476 00:17:52,607 --> 00:17:54,809 pass each other on the stairs, ugh... 477 00:17:54,842 --> 00:17:57,645 Just with everyone being so happy-clappy fucking cheerful. 478 00:17:57,679 --> 00:17:59,479 Oh, which is inappropriate, by the way. 479 00:17:59,514 --> 00:18:02,249 Have you seen WhatsApp? It's intolerable. 480 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,720 Twitter, Instagram. You can't even, you know... 481 00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,556 "We're all in this together, guys." "We'll get through it." 482 00:18:08,590 --> 00:18:11,124 Oh, my God. "I'm learning how to play the banjo." 483 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,126 "Look at me, I made a macrame scarf 484 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,296 "out of fucking pasta twirls." Just pack it in. 485 00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:17,665 So there's been a lot going on 486 00:18:17,699 --> 00:18:20,535 and it's helped us not to have to, 487 00:18:20,568 --> 00:18:23,671 you know, focus on, or talk to, 488 00:18:23,705 --> 00:18:24,806 or even notice each other. 489 00:18:24,839 --> 00:18:26,483 Yeah, I mean, we could pretend that the other one... 490 00:18:26,507 --> 00:18:28,241 - Didn't exist. - Was in a coma or... 491 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,878 Look, my business for one thing, right, 492 00:18:30,912 --> 00:18:33,280 it's taking a lot of sorting out. 493 00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,315 - Tell them what you do. - Don't start. 494 00:18:35,349 --> 00:18:37,552 - No, no. Go on. - Don't start with that. 495 00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:38,762 No one understands what he does. 496 00:18:38,786 --> 00:18:39,821 Yes, they do. 497 00:18:39,854 --> 00:18:41,823 I don't understand what you do. 498 00:18:41,856 --> 00:18:43,223 That is absolutely not true. 499 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,467 People do understand what I do. 500 00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,360 - Go on. Tell them. - Okay. 501 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,395 I've got a boutique consultancy. 502 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,263 We specialize in data analytics 503 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,175 and finding technological multimedia solutions... 504 00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,266 I mean, what? 505 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:56,537 For linear online broadcast marketing providers, 506 00:18:56,571 --> 00:18:58,539 who specialize in cost-efficiency savings. 507 00:18:58,573 --> 00:18:59,507 What's complicated about that? 508 00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:02,209 Mm-hmm. When we were first going out together 509 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:05,345 and people would ask him what he did and he'd say all that, 510 00:19:05,379 --> 00:19:07,180 I would just lean forward and go, 511 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,550 "He means computers." 512 00:19:10,885 --> 00:19:13,453 Which was really funny, a million years ago. 513 00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:15,823 But there's been a lot of wrapping-up. 514 00:19:15,857 --> 00:19:17,391 So thank God for Rishi. 515 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,860 - Comrade Rishi. - Eh? 516 00:19:18,893 --> 00:19:20,494 I'm just saying, the state stepped in. 517 00:19:20,528 --> 00:19:23,230 - Oh, it's a pandemic. - Borrowing to invest in jobs. 518 00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,265 - It's a pandemic. - I mean... 519 00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:28,435 I mean, isn't this exactly the manifesto 520 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,338 that Jeremy Corbyn fought the last election on? 521 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,975 Yes, it is. Yes, you were fighting the last election 522 00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:35,442 in order to introduce measures, 523 00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:36,844 which have been absolutely perfect 524 00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:38,445 for shutting the economy down. 525 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,481 It wasn't a pandemic in 2008 when the banks... 526 00:19:41,516 --> 00:19:44,652 Don't. I never agreed with 2008. Fuck 2008. 527 00:19:44,686 --> 00:19:46,954 There is no such thing as too big to fail. 528 00:19:46,988 --> 00:19:50,725 That would be socialism. Nah, let the weak perish. 529 00:19:50,758 --> 00:19:52,694 Yeah, don't mind handout now, though, do you? 530 00:19:52,727 --> 00:19:55,328 They're loans! They're loans, woman! They're loans! 531 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,431 Look, my company's not weak, okay? Never been weak. 532 00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,767 Yeah, no, just incomprehensible. 533 00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:02,235 Anyway, there was so much to sort out. 534 00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:03,203 There was all the loans, 535 00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,506 there was the refund in statutory sick pay, 536 00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:07,875 the VAT deferral, then furlough. 537 00:20:07,909 --> 00:20:09,787 I mean, that was actually really important to me 538 00:20:09,811 --> 00:20:11,344 because I've got 12 employees. 539 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,890 - Yeah, who you sacked. - Who I did not sack. 540 00:20:12,914 --> 00:20:14,882 You already sent out the emails firing them. 541 00:20:14,916 --> 00:20:17,685 Which I immediately rescinded when the furlough came in. 542 00:20:17,719 --> 00:20:20,253 Yeah, when the government was paying their wages. 543 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,732 They're really good people. I took them all back. 544 00:20:21,756 --> 00:20:23,490 Yeah, at 80% of their salary. 545 00:20:23,524 --> 00:20:25,026 Which is what the furlough is. 546 00:20:25,059 --> 00:20:27,962 - You can top it up, though. - If you're a mug! 547 00:20:30,765 --> 00:20:34,769 Look, meanwhile... she's still getting to work. 548 00:20:34,802 --> 00:20:38,438 Yeah. I work for a charity called PFN. 549 00:20:38,472 --> 00:20:42,275 We're like the Taliban version of Medecins Sans Frontieres. 550 00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:43,343 Oh, aye, 551 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,445 - saving the world, this one. - Mm. 552 00:20:45,479 --> 00:20:46,881 I work with refugees. 553 00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:47,958 It's good what she does, actually. 554 00:20:47,982 --> 00:20:49,117 I am actually proud of that. 555 00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:52,553 - I'm a bit proud of that. - I'm just a coordinator, so... 556 00:20:52,587 --> 00:20:54,756 Aye, for Europe. For the whole of Europe. 557 00:20:54,789 --> 00:20:56,691 Working her fingers to the bone, so she is. 558 00:20:56,724 --> 00:20:58,860 I mean, I don't agree with most refugees on principle, 559 00:20:58,893 --> 00:21:00,695 but some of the ones she helps... Phew. 560 00:21:00,728 --> 00:21:02,063 The ones I help are no different. 561 00:21:02,096 --> 00:21:03,865 Some of the stories of these ones... 562 00:21:03,898 --> 00:21:04,975 These ones are no different. 563 00:21:04,999 --> 00:21:06,009 I mean, your heart goes out to them. 564 00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,811 It's heart-rending, the stories of these ones. 565 00:21:07,835 --> 00:21:09,871 Which ones? Which ones? 566 00:21:09,904 --> 00:21:12,507 Which ones are these ones? These ones are no different! 567 00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:14,441 You know, I'm not even gonna get into it. 568 00:21:15,877 --> 00:21:17,344 There's been a lot going on. 569 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,547 And, you know, with homeschooling, 570 00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:21,620 which, in fairness, he has taken the lion's share of 571 00:21:21,649 --> 00:21:22,583 and he's good at it. 572 00:21:22,617 --> 00:21:24,952 Aye, the Portuguese colonization of Macau 573 00:21:24,986 --> 00:21:26,486 and the melting point of lead 574 00:21:26,521 --> 00:21:27,831 were just two little memory nuggets 575 00:21:27,855 --> 00:21:29,489 I was particularly proud of. 576 00:21:29,524 --> 00:21:31,068 He has been good at it, I'll give him that. 577 00:21:31,092 --> 00:21:33,326 It actually suits little Artie better, as well. 578 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,005 I mean, he's not very good with other kids. 579 00:21:35,029 --> 00:21:36,898 Yeah, but he's lovely. 580 00:21:36,931 --> 00:21:39,634 - Is he there? - Aye, no, he's lovely. 581 00:21:39,667 --> 00:21:41,936 Yes, he is. He's a lovely wee boy. He is indeed. 582 00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:44,572 He's a lovely, lovely wee fella. 583 00:21:44,605 --> 00:21:46,406 Now, fair's fair, you gave me a great son. 584 00:21:46,439 --> 00:21:48,408 I didn't give him to you, you fuck! 585 00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:50,477 And then there's Mum. Obviously I was worried. 586 00:21:50,511 --> 00:21:51,813 We both were. 587 00:21:51,846 --> 00:21:53,557 You know, whatever's going on between her and I, 588 00:21:53,581 --> 00:21:55,348 - I like the old girl. - Ha! 589 00:21:55,382 --> 00:21:56,250 She hates you. 590 00:21:56,284 --> 00:21:58,586 - She loves me. - She hates your politics. 591 00:21:58,619 --> 00:21:59,520 She loves my politics. 592 00:21:59,554 --> 00:22:00,597 It gives her something to argue against. 593 00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:03,090 My mum's a flat-out, dyed-in-the-wool communist. 594 00:22:03,124 --> 00:22:05,793 Yeah, proper old-school, CCCP-loving commie. 595 00:22:05,827 --> 00:22:07,504 Never got over the fall of the Berlin Wall. 596 00:22:07,528 --> 00:22:08,639 See, back in the '70s, right, 597 00:22:08,663 --> 00:22:10,131 she had links to the Angry Brigade. 598 00:22:10,164 --> 00:22:11,398 She didn't have links. 599 00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:13,577 Remember the people who tried to blow up the Telecom Tower? 600 00:22:13,601 --> 00:22:16,403 She's the reason the revolving restaurant no longer revolves. 601 00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:19,540 She may have hid two people 602 00:22:19,574 --> 00:22:21,576 who may or may not have been involved 603 00:22:21,609 --> 00:22:22,877 for a number of hours, yeah. 604 00:22:22,910 --> 00:22:25,088 See, I once caught her, right, trying to read Das Kapital 605 00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:26,681 to little Artie in his crib. 606 00:22:26,714 --> 00:22:28,149 I mean, I love her. 607 00:22:28,182 --> 00:22:30,417 - She is fiercely independent. - Mm. 608 00:22:30,450 --> 00:22:32,753 It took us ages to get her to accept the carers coming in. 609 00:22:32,787 --> 00:22:34,021 She's just scared, ain't she? 610 00:22:34,055 --> 00:22:35,823 Her legs, they're not what they once were. 611 00:22:35,857 --> 00:22:37,792 They get scared when their legs start to go. 612 00:22:37,825 --> 00:22:39,169 Mind you, it's all started to go now. 613 00:22:39,193 --> 00:22:40,728 I'm forcing her to Zoom every day. 614 00:22:40,761 --> 00:22:43,463 Her kidneys and her eyes. Her neck went this one time. 615 00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:44,575 I don't mean, like, her throat. 616 00:22:44,599 --> 00:22:46,701 I mean, like, her neck muscles holding up her head. 617 00:22:46,734 --> 00:22:47,768 She was like that. 618 00:22:47,802 --> 00:22:48,879 I'm like, "You all right, darling?" 619 00:22:48,903 --> 00:22:50,504 She went... 620 00:22:50,538 --> 00:22:52,807 Giving her her lunch, she's like... 621 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,876 I'm like, "Fuck me, man. It's terrifying." 622 00:22:54,909 --> 00:22:57,044 Anyway, so the afternoon, the carer comes in. 623 00:22:57,078 --> 00:22:59,180 - This is with Miriam, right? - Maryama. 624 00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:00,982 Somali girl. I call her Miriam. She loves it. 625 00:23:01,015 --> 00:23:03,026 - Uh, she really doesn't! - Anyway, she's the good one. 626 00:23:03,050 --> 00:23:04,451 She's one of the good ones. 627 00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:05,662 Anyway, you're on Zoom and you see her. 628 00:23:05,686 --> 00:23:08,689 Yeah, I see her. And she's wearing this home-made visor, 629 00:23:08,723 --> 00:23:11,726 made out of plastic, like, see-through... 630 00:23:11,759 --> 00:23:13,594 You know, like a plastic pocket kind of thing 631 00:23:13,628 --> 00:23:14,729 held on with rubber bands. 632 00:23:14,762 --> 00:23:18,498 I mean, she's fucking Miriam, the good one. 633 00:23:18,532 --> 00:23:21,068 Yeah, and I ask her about PPE and she's like, 634 00:23:21,102 --> 00:23:23,004 they haven't given her any extra at all. 635 00:23:23,037 --> 00:23:24,005 No, nothing. 636 00:23:24,038 --> 00:23:25,878 They're making their own gowns out of bin bags. 637 00:23:25,907 --> 00:23:27,440 I mean, what the fuck is going on? 638 00:23:27,474 --> 00:23:30,645 Yeah, so Maryama's not happy about this at all. 639 00:23:30,678 --> 00:23:31,788 You know, 'cause she's scared. 640 00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:33,824 She's scared for herself, she's scared for her family, 641 00:23:33,848 --> 00:23:35,759 - she's scared for her clients. - Tell them how many buses 642 00:23:35,783 --> 00:23:36,617 - she has to get. - Three. 643 00:23:36,651 --> 00:23:38,786 - How many clients that day? - Eight. 644 00:23:38,819 --> 00:23:39,921 What the fucking what? 645 00:23:39,954 --> 00:23:41,555 Yeah, so I go into a tailspin. 646 00:23:41,589 --> 00:23:43,925 I'm calling, like, the council, the doctor. 647 00:23:43,958 --> 00:23:45,235 You know, I'm calling helplines, 648 00:23:45,259 --> 00:23:46,627 but can't get any answer 649 00:23:46,661 --> 00:23:48,071 'cause of everything that's fucking going on. 650 00:23:48,095 --> 00:23:50,007 So I'm just gonna go and get her and bring her here. 651 00:23:50,031 --> 00:23:51,599 But then am I exposing her? 652 00:23:51,632 --> 00:23:53,076 Yeah, I mean, does one of us go and stay? 653 00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:54,635 - But who's looking after him? - Yeah. 654 00:23:54,669 --> 00:23:57,071 So, I mean, we're just, like, beside ourselves. 655 00:23:57,104 --> 00:23:59,807 And, you know, there's this killer virus out there 656 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,711 and you're sitting pretty while your mother, your mum... 657 00:24:03,744 --> 00:24:05,088 And I'm thinking, "Is this it?" you know. 658 00:24:05,112 --> 00:24:06,914 "Is my mum gonna die?" 659 00:24:06,948 --> 00:24:10,584 "Is my mother gonna die now?" We're fucking terrified. 660 00:24:10,618 --> 00:24:12,586 But then her sister just swoops in, 661 00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:13,955 sorts it all out, out of the blue. 662 00:24:13,988 --> 00:24:16,090 - She was amazing. - Out of the blue. 663 00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:18,826 Yeah, which is... you know, 'cause she's not normally... 664 00:24:18,859 --> 00:24:19,903 I mean, normally she's a bit... 665 00:24:19,927 --> 00:24:21,662 - Selfish? - Not selfish. 666 00:24:21,696 --> 00:24:23,931 - Trying to be a comedian. - Yeah. It's not a comedian. 667 00:24:23,965 --> 00:24:25,075 It's more performative than that. 668 00:24:25,099 --> 00:24:27,802 Try telling a fucking joke. That might raise a laugh. 669 00:24:27,835 --> 00:24:29,670 Look, fair's fair, she saved the day. 670 00:24:29,704 --> 00:24:32,073 Yeah. She got her to go to that home. 671 00:24:32,106 --> 00:24:33,116 That care home, you remember? 672 00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:35,543 Yeah. She persuaded her to go to that care home. 673 00:24:35,576 --> 00:24:37,211 Lovely place. I mean, absolutely amazing. 674 00:24:37,244 --> 00:24:38,889 God knows how she managed it, but somehow... 675 00:24:38,913 --> 00:24:41,515 Yeah, she persuaded her to go to the lovely, lovely home 676 00:24:41,549 --> 00:24:42,416 and they took her in. 677 00:24:42,450 --> 00:24:44,819 - What a relief. - Yeah, it was amazing. 678 00:24:44,852 --> 00:24:46,253 I know. Overnight. 679 00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:48,622 No messing. Right in, overnight. 680 00:24:48,656 --> 00:24:51,025 Yeah. I mean, she'll be safe there, right? 681 00:24:51,058 --> 00:24:53,961 In there? Aye, aye. She'll be safe in there. 682 00:25:36,370 --> 00:25:40,141 This evening, I harvested asparagus. 683 00:25:42,710 --> 00:25:45,780 I've never done that before. 684 00:25:45,813 --> 00:25:47,982 Actually, I shouldn't have done it now 685 00:25:48,015 --> 00:25:49,726 because I only planted them a few months ago. 686 00:25:49,750 --> 00:25:52,153 And with asparagus, right, 687 00:25:52,186 --> 00:25:54,688 you're supposed to leave them for three years 688 00:25:54,722 --> 00:25:57,992 to let the crown bed in, otherwise it dies. 689 00:25:59,060 --> 00:26:01,929 Apparently that's what Google says. 690 00:26:01,962 --> 00:26:04,632 But, er, I just could not resist it. 691 00:26:04,665 --> 00:26:08,803 You know, I've grown it with my own hands and soil. 692 00:26:10,104 --> 00:26:11,005 Look, I'm not saying 693 00:26:11,038 --> 00:26:14,375 I'm some green fingered vegetable person. 694 00:26:14,408 --> 00:26:17,611 That is not what this is, you know, 695 00:26:17,645 --> 00:26:19,713 it's just this year with everything that's going on. 696 00:26:20,781 --> 00:26:22,850 I ordered them... 697 00:26:22,883 --> 00:26:24,819 back in early February. 698 00:26:25,886 --> 00:26:27,288 Dunno why. 699 00:26:28,022 --> 00:26:29,857 Just did, you know. 700 00:26:29,890 --> 00:26:31,168 This was just when we were getting 701 00:26:31,192 --> 00:26:32,893 the first sniff of this thing 702 00:26:32,927 --> 00:26:35,629 happening off in far-flung China, 703 00:26:35,663 --> 00:26:39,400 this little place that nobody had ever heard of. 704 00:26:39,433 --> 00:26:40,968 And these health things, 705 00:26:41,001 --> 00:26:42,870 they do happen every now and again, don't they? 706 00:26:42,903 --> 00:26:45,739 I mean, like bird flu, Ebola, SARS. 707 00:26:46,407 --> 00:26:47,975 And, don't get me wrong, 708 00:26:48,008 --> 00:26:51,412 I am not saying that I knew this was all gonna happen. 709 00:26:51,445 --> 00:26:54,381 I'm not saying that I was thinking I had to be some. 710 00:26:54,415 --> 00:26:57,785 "Grizzly Adams nuclear fallout shelter" kind of guy. 711 00:26:57,818 --> 00:27:01,088 I'm just talking about planting a few veggies. 712 00:27:01,122 --> 00:27:02,823 I actually think about doing it every year, 713 00:27:02,857 --> 00:27:03,900 just never get round to it. 714 00:27:03,924 --> 00:27:06,994 I suppose it's like learning the names of trees, 715 00:27:07,027 --> 00:27:09,063 or reading Charles Dickens. 716 00:27:09,096 --> 00:27:11,198 You know it's gonna make you a better person. 717 00:27:11,232 --> 00:27:13,000 Just nobody fucking does it. 718 00:27:13,033 --> 00:27:15,669 But this year, with everything that's happening... 719 00:27:18,939 --> 00:27:21,175 I actually find myself doing it. 720 00:27:21,208 --> 00:27:23,878 And I'm planting vegetables, you know. 721 00:27:23,911 --> 00:27:24,988 I've got everything in there. 722 00:27:25,012 --> 00:27:30,351 I've got carrots, courgettes, tomatoes, cucumbers. 723 00:27:30,384 --> 00:27:31,852 I've got radishes, 724 00:27:31,886 --> 00:27:33,363 got this wee thing that I got from Venezuela, 725 00:27:33,387 --> 00:27:34,922 I'm not quite sure what it is. 726 00:27:34,955 --> 00:27:38,159 And, er, asparagus, right. 727 00:27:38,192 --> 00:27:40,361 So, tonight... 728 00:27:43,797 --> 00:27:45,032 we get a call 729 00:27:45,065 --> 00:27:46,800 just probably after they've announced 730 00:27:46,834 --> 00:27:48,769 the official end of lockdown 731 00:27:48,802 --> 00:27:50,337 from Jonathan, right. 732 00:27:50,371 --> 00:27:53,974 Jonathan's the ICU nurse, over there at the hospital. 733 00:27:54,008 --> 00:27:58,312 Amazing guy, Jonathan, like, he's lovely. 734 00:27:58,345 --> 00:28:01,882 I cannot speak highly enough about Jonathan. 735 00:28:01,916 --> 00:28:06,120 And he's the main nurse, over there in intensive care 736 00:28:06,153 --> 00:28:07,488 looking after the old girl, 737 00:28:07,522 --> 00:28:09,290 because Covid, you know, it just... 738 00:28:10,758 --> 00:28:11,992 just swept through that place. 739 00:28:12,026 --> 00:28:15,763 It just rampaged right through the care home. 740 00:28:16,830 --> 00:28:19,433 Loads dead, loads in hospital. 741 00:28:19,466 --> 00:28:21,869 Like the old girl, you know, taken in, 742 00:28:21,902 --> 00:28:25,940 intubated, on a ventilator, stuck in a coma. 743 00:28:25,973 --> 00:28:28,475 And Jonathan, he's... 744 00:28:28,510 --> 00:28:31,212 he's on the phone to us every day, 745 00:28:31,245 --> 00:28:33,480 telling us everything. Everything. 746 00:28:33,515 --> 00:28:35,849 Temperature, heart rate, 747 00:28:35,883 --> 00:28:38,185 fucking which consultant is seeing her, 748 00:28:38,219 --> 00:28:39,887 when they're flipping her on to her front 749 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,122 so that she can get her breathing going. 750 00:28:42,156 --> 00:28:43,757 And, when he's got a minute, right, 751 00:28:43,791 --> 00:28:46,860 which isn't very often, I can tell you that, 752 00:28:46,894 --> 00:28:48,896 he talks to her, 753 00:28:48,929 --> 00:28:51,298 or he'll stick the phone up to her ear so that we can. 754 00:28:51,332 --> 00:28:54,134 He's fucking just an amazing guy, Jonathan. 755 00:28:54,168 --> 00:28:56,003 Lovely, you know. 756 00:28:56,036 --> 00:28:57,814 I just cannot fault him. Cannot fault Jonathan. 757 00:28:57,838 --> 00:29:00,975 Anyway, when we get the call from him tonight, 758 00:29:01,576 --> 00:29:03,310 it's the one 759 00:29:03,344 --> 00:29:05,946 that we've been dreading, right. 760 00:29:05,980 --> 00:29:07,414 "One of you..." 761 00:29:10,552 --> 00:29:13,487 "Can come in for 15 minutes to say goodbye." 762 00:29:16,824 --> 00:29:18,225 She's the one that takes the call. 763 00:29:18,259 --> 00:29:20,294 This is about 6:30. 764 00:29:20,327 --> 00:29:22,263 And I'm watching her and she's on the phone, 765 00:29:22,296 --> 00:29:25,299 "Mm, mm," she's nodding away. 766 00:29:25,332 --> 00:29:28,435 Jonathan's on the other end, being smashing. 767 00:29:28,469 --> 00:29:32,039 And she hangs up and she tells me, 768 00:29:32,072 --> 00:29:33,274 just real matter of fact, 769 00:29:33,941 --> 00:29:35,442 "It's happening." 770 00:29:35,476 --> 00:29:37,512 Jonathan says one of you can come in 771 00:29:37,545 --> 00:29:40,881 for 15 minutes to say goodbye 772 00:29:40,914 --> 00:29:43,784 and that we're lucky because... 773 00:29:45,152 --> 00:29:47,921 most other places aren't even letting you do that. 774 00:29:49,423 --> 00:29:51,925 She's gotta be there at 8:45. 775 00:29:53,994 --> 00:29:57,264 She just says it like that, you know, just cold as ice. 776 00:29:58,098 --> 00:30:01,335 But inside I can see 777 00:30:01,368 --> 00:30:03,304 her heart's just, like... 778 00:30:04,204 --> 00:30:05,205 gone... 779 00:30:06,574 --> 00:30:08,375 you know, like that. 780 00:30:14,315 --> 00:30:15,583 Like that. 781 00:30:23,023 --> 00:30:24,858 So, at 8:45, right, I'm thinking, 782 00:30:24,892 --> 00:30:26,994 phew, "That's a bit of time..." 783 00:30:27,027 --> 00:30:29,463 "I'm gonna harvest that asparagus." 784 00:30:29,496 --> 00:30:32,299 So I did. I clipped it and steamed it, 785 00:30:32,333 --> 00:30:35,102 bit of salt and pepper, made fresh hollandaise. 786 00:30:35,135 --> 00:30:37,280 It's not easy to do that but it's really tasty when you do. 787 00:30:37,304 --> 00:30:40,542 And we sat down together 788 00:30:41,975 --> 00:30:44,244 and we ate the asparagus. 789 00:30:44,278 --> 00:30:46,146 And she said it was lovely. 790 00:30:47,014 --> 00:30:48,482 I think it helped... 791 00:30:49,584 --> 00:30:51,385 take her mind off... 792 00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:55,022 Anyway, here's the thing, right, 793 00:30:55,055 --> 00:30:57,067 the thing that's been going over and over in my mind 794 00:30:57,091 --> 00:30:58,959 as I'm sitting here waiting... 795 00:31:04,599 --> 00:31:07,034 if there was enough of an inkling, 796 00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:09,103 back in early February, 797 00:31:09,136 --> 00:31:13,273 for me to get myself online and order asparagus crowns, 798 00:31:13,307 --> 00:31:15,075 and, I mean, who the fuck am I? 799 00:31:15,109 --> 00:31:17,945 But if there was enough of a sniff 800 00:31:17,978 --> 00:31:20,582 at this thing happening back then, 801 00:31:20,615 --> 00:31:23,350 then how come the people that run this country... 802 00:31:24,451 --> 00:31:25,520 Like, how come the people 803 00:31:25,553 --> 00:31:28,122 who actually run this country... 804 00:31:29,490 --> 00:31:31,358 How is it possible that the people 805 00:31:31,392 --> 00:31:33,528 who actually run this country... 806 00:31:56,618 --> 00:31:57,951 What you doing? 807 00:31:57,985 --> 00:31:59,721 I'm just... I'm just putting 808 00:31:59,754 --> 00:32:01,388 her temperature in the spreadsheet. 809 00:32:02,222 --> 00:32:04,425 Why? I mean, is that... 810 00:32:07,461 --> 00:32:09,329 Does that matter anymore? 811 00:32:12,567 --> 00:32:14,501 Er, no, I suppose not. 812 00:32:16,370 --> 00:32:18,272 What are you doing? Don't. Don't. 813 00:32:18,305 --> 00:32:20,474 Well, I thought, like, a hug, or... 814 00:32:20,508 --> 00:32:23,076 No, no, 'cause I have to self-isolate. 815 00:32:23,110 --> 00:32:25,379 - What, in here? - Yeah. 816 00:32:25,412 --> 00:32:27,014 - Yeah, don't you think? - Uh... 817 00:32:28,048 --> 00:32:29,316 I don't know. 818 00:32:35,456 --> 00:32:36,624 So how was it? 819 00:32:39,293 --> 00:32:40,394 Er... 820 00:32:43,330 --> 00:32:45,265 Well, she was unconscious. 821 00:32:48,168 --> 00:32:51,739 And the hospital was weird. It was just really empty 822 00:32:51,773 --> 00:32:54,274 in the places that are normally busy and... 823 00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:56,210 But, you know, you could tell, 824 00:32:56,243 --> 00:32:58,078 behind the scenes, everyone's just... 825 00:32:59,279 --> 00:33:00,414 um... 826 00:33:01,516 --> 00:33:04,786 - Jonathan was amazing. - Yeah, Jonathan is amazing. 827 00:33:04,819 --> 00:33:06,386 Yeah. 828 00:33:06,420 --> 00:33:09,323 He just told me everything that was gonna happen. 829 00:33:09,356 --> 00:33:11,358 And he said the consultant had been in 830 00:33:11,391 --> 00:33:13,591 and she reckoned it was gonna happen in the early hours. 831 00:33:15,730 --> 00:33:17,331 But he said, "Don't worry" 832 00:33:17,364 --> 00:33:19,634 because he was doing an all-nighter 833 00:33:19,667 --> 00:33:21,736 and, you know, he'd make sure 834 00:33:21,769 --> 00:33:23,771 he was there when the time came. 835 00:33:23,805 --> 00:33:27,274 He said that's what the nurses try and do, they... 836 00:33:27,307 --> 00:33:30,043 they just try and make sure that people don't die alone. 837 00:33:32,346 --> 00:33:33,347 Yeah. 838 00:33:34,414 --> 00:33:35,415 Erm... 839 00:33:37,184 --> 00:33:38,151 And then he showed me 840 00:33:38,185 --> 00:33:40,287 how to put on all the protective gear and... 841 00:33:42,790 --> 00:33:45,560 And for it to still be comfortable, you know. 842 00:33:45,593 --> 00:33:48,228 And, er, then he took me in. 843 00:33:49,463 --> 00:33:51,666 And I had 15 minutes. 844 00:33:58,238 --> 00:34:00,608 I spent the first 10 845 00:34:00,642 --> 00:34:01,882 just talking about the traffic. 846 00:34:02,476 --> 00:34:03,578 Why? 847 00:34:03,611 --> 00:34:05,613 Because the roads were so clear. 848 00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,388 Yeah. And then, er, 849 00:34:14,421 --> 00:34:17,324 after 10 minutes, he leaned in and he said, you know, 850 00:34:17,357 --> 00:34:18,760 "Tell her you love her, and..." 851 00:34:20,662 --> 00:34:23,798 And I did, I did, I just, er... 852 00:34:25,365 --> 00:34:27,535 All this stuff just, er... 853 00:34:27,569 --> 00:34:29,369 just poured out of me, all this stuff. 854 00:34:31,171 --> 00:34:32,439 What stuff? 855 00:34:33,808 --> 00:34:35,810 Just that I loved her, you know, 856 00:34:37,210 --> 00:34:39,212 and that I was proud of her and... 857 00:34:42,249 --> 00:34:43,585 that I was really grateful 858 00:34:43,618 --> 00:34:45,553 for the person she was 859 00:34:45,587 --> 00:34:48,756 and everything she'd done for me. And I was... 860 00:34:48,790 --> 00:34:51,224 I was just so, so sorry that I'd never said any of that 861 00:34:51,258 --> 00:34:53,193 when she could hear me, you know. 862 00:34:54,862 --> 00:34:56,864 And that I loved her so much that... 863 00:34:58,498 --> 00:35:00,868 my life was already hurting without her in it 864 00:35:00,902 --> 00:35:03,437 and I was worried that the hurt would never go away. 865 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,709 No, no, no. 866 00:35:07,742 --> 00:35:09,611 Do you not think, like... 867 00:35:14,916 --> 00:35:16,116 Right. 868 00:35:17,685 --> 00:35:18,653 And then I told her 869 00:35:18,686 --> 00:35:21,355 that, er, Jonathan had told me not to worry. 870 00:35:24,726 --> 00:35:27,629 I told her that I'd spoken to him 871 00:35:27,662 --> 00:35:31,666 and he promised me that when the time came, he'd be there. 872 00:35:31,699 --> 00:35:33,367 I told her that, erm, 873 00:35:34,401 --> 00:35:36,203 he promised me he'd hold her hand... 874 00:35:37,739 --> 00:35:39,373 when she went. That's what I told her. 875 00:35:46,313 --> 00:35:49,684 I feel like I do wanna put her temperature in this... 876 00:35:49,717 --> 00:35:51,619 Go for it. Yeah. 877 00:35:52,553 --> 00:35:53,554 Just... 878 00:35:53,588 --> 00:35:56,490 But, erm, there isn't really a point, is there? 879 00:35:57,324 --> 00:35:58,325 No. 880 00:36:01,929 --> 00:36:03,965 Look, there was never a point, 881 00:36:03,998 --> 00:36:05,365 so if it makes you feel better... 882 00:36:06,433 --> 00:36:08,235 Well, if there's no point, it's just... 883 00:36:16,443 --> 00:36:18,513 You said amazing things to her. 884 00:36:19,479 --> 00:36:21,214 - Did I? - Aye. 885 00:36:24,952 --> 00:36:27,522 - Because I don't think I did. - You totally did. 886 00:36:28,488 --> 00:36:29,489 Okay. 887 00:36:29,924 --> 00:36:30,925 Good. 888 00:36:33,928 --> 00:36:35,897 Because then, um, I was driving home 889 00:36:35,930 --> 00:36:38,533 and Jonathan called and he said it was happening now. 890 00:36:38,566 --> 00:36:40,001 No... Wait. No. 891 00:36:40,034 --> 00:36:41,736 - Yeah. - No. 892 00:36:41,769 --> 00:36:43,013 But I thought it was the early hours? 893 00:36:43,037 --> 00:36:45,573 Yeah, but she'd taken a turn for the worse, 894 00:36:45,606 --> 00:36:46,784 so it was happening right then. 895 00:36:46,808 --> 00:36:48,710 - Jesus. - I know. 896 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,315 And she was alone. 897 00:36:55,348 --> 00:36:56,918 Yeah. Well, no, she had Jonathan, right? 898 00:36:56,951 --> 00:36:59,721 - She didn't. - I thought he was gonna... 899 00:36:59,754 --> 00:37:02,690 She didn't have Jonathan. 900 00:37:02,724 --> 00:37:06,761 Because he had another patient who was dying at the same time 901 00:37:06,794 --> 00:37:08,996 and that person had no one, so... 902 00:37:10,932 --> 00:37:14,869 He said at least my mum had me to FaceTime with her. 903 00:37:14,902 --> 00:37:17,270 Oh, my God. 904 00:37:17,304 --> 00:37:19,640 And I really begged him not... 905 00:37:19,674 --> 00:37:21,008 Really begged him not to leave. 906 00:37:21,042 --> 00:37:24,545 I said, "Please don't let my mum die on her own." 907 00:37:24,579 --> 00:37:25,913 And he said, "Sorry." 908 00:37:27,314 --> 00:37:29,316 And I said... 909 00:37:30,350 --> 00:37:31,318 I said, "Please." 910 00:37:31,351 --> 00:37:34,354 And he said he's sorry that he had to choose. 911 00:37:36,758 --> 00:37:39,459 And he did. He did have to choose. 912 00:37:40,795 --> 00:37:42,830 He did. 913 00:37:42,864 --> 00:37:47,602 So he just, he put his phone on the arm of the bed. 914 00:37:51,072 --> 00:37:54,374 And I sat in a lay-by on the ring road. 915 00:37:55,375 --> 00:37:56,911 FaceTiming in. 916 00:37:58,780 --> 00:38:03,316 I just sat there and I watched my mum die, 917 00:38:03,350 --> 00:38:06,319 listening to Jonathan on the other side of the curtain 918 00:38:07,420 --> 00:38:09,690 telling a man he didn't even know 919 00:38:09,724 --> 00:38:12,894 that he was there and he wasn't gonna leave him. 920 00:38:17,497 --> 00:38:19,700 So, yeah, Mum died on her own. 921 00:39:38,713 --> 00:39:44,518 ♪ In the bleak midwinter 922 00:39:44,552 --> 00:39:49,590 ♪ Frosty wind made moan 923 00:39:50,658 --> 00:39:56,831 ♪ Earth stood hard as iron 924 00:39:56,864 --> 00:40:02,103 ♪ Water like a stone 925 00:40:02,136 --> 00:40:05,506 ♪ Snow had fallen 926 00:40:05,539 --> 00:40:08,175 ♪ Snow on snow 927 00:40:08,209 --> 00:40:14,615 ♪ Snow on snow 928 00:40:14,649 --> 00:40:20,221 ♪ In the bleak midwinter 929 00:40:20,254 --> 00:40:25,826 ♪ Long ago 930 00:40:25,860 --> 00:40:32,533 ♪ Our God, Heaven cannot hold Him 931 00:40:32,566 --> 00:40:37,038 ♪ Nor Earth sustain 932 00:40:38,506 --> 00:40:39,907 Okay. So... 933 00:40:39,941 --> 00:40:43,210 we have been having sex. 934 00:40:43,244 --> 00:40:44,979 - Yeah, we have. - Which is... 935 00:40:45,012 --> 00:40:47,515 Yeah. I mean, it's as big a surprise 936 00:40:47,548 --> 00:40:48,859 to us as it is to you, to be honest. 937 00:40:48,883 --> 00:40:50,193 I mean, we did not see that coming. 938 00:40:50,217 --> 00:40:51,118 - Not at all. - Not in a million. 939 00:40:51,152 --> 00:40:52,162 No, I never thought I'd go there again. 940 00:40:52,186 --> 00:40:55,656 Jesus, last man on Earth? Give me celibacy now. 941 00:40:55,690 --> 00:40:57,024 - Yeah, but... - We have... 942 00:40:57,058 --> 00:40:59,927 Yeah, we have been having sex, and... 943 00:40:59,961 --> 00:41:03,898 - Yeah, it's been quite... - Yeah, it has been... 944 00:41:03,931 --> 00:41:05,633 - What's it been? - Uh... 945 00:41:06,267 --> 00:41:08,035 It's been good. 946 00:41:08,069 --> 00:41:09,103 Yeah, it has been good. 947 00:41:09,136 --> 00:41:11,138 Been really good, in fact, if totally unexpected. 948 00:41:11,172 --> 00:41:14,809 Yeah, but it was always good, like, historically speaking. 949 00:41:14,842 --> 00:41:17,511 - Historically, yeah. - Not that we were ever all... 950 00:41:17,545 --> 00:41:21,682 No, no, no, not some, like, super special fucking... 951 00:41:21,716 --> 00:41:24,251 No, we're not that kind of super special showy, 952 00:41:24,285 --> 00:41:25,519 like, Olympic types... 953 00:41:25,553 --> 00:41:26,754 No, who's got time for that? 954 00:41:26,787 --> 00:41:28,789 No, but, I mean. We had our quirks... 955 00:41:28,823 --> 00:41:30,267 Yes. Yes, I'm not saying that we were... 956 00:41:30,291 --> 00:41:31,225 back in the day. 957 00:41:31,258 --> 00:41:34,161 Yes, there was fun, there was "ooh la la." 958 00:41:34,195 --> 00:41:36,797 I mean, we were both of us just fairly compatible. 959 00:41:36,831 --> 00:41:39,066 You know, I mean, we're both very... 960 00:41:39,900 --> 00:41:41,102 we're very... I suppose 961 00:41:41,135 --> 00:41:42,703 - we're both very solid. - Quick. 962 00:41:43,671 --> 00:41:45,606 - Yeah, quick. Yeah, yeah. - Aye? 963 00:41:45,639 --> 00:41:47,775 Both parties pretty quick at sex. 964 00:41:47,808 --> 00:41:50,244 - Not bad quick. - No, I wasn't say... No. 965 00:41:50,277 --> 00:41:52,246 No, no, no, just, like, we know where we're going, 966 00:41:52,279 --> 00:41:53,247 we don't hang about. 967 00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:55,983 Yeah, we're not into the whole bump and grind. 968 00:41:57,084 --> 00:41:59,153 Aye, none of that fucking tantric, 969 00:41:59,186 --> 00:42:01,022 Paul Weller, fucking... 970 00:42:01,055 --> 00:42:02,023 - Do you know what I mean? - Yeah. 971 00:42:02,056 --> 00:42:04,825 But at the same time, it's not all "wham bam." 972 00:42:04,859 --> 00:42:05,993 No. No, no, no. 973 00:42:06,027 --> 00:42:08,996 No. Premature, that's not the... 974 00:42:09,030 --> 00:42:10,931 - Is it? - No. No, no, no. 975 00:42:10,965 --> 00:42:12,666 Both of us happen to be able 976 00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:13,844 to get where we're going with... 977 00:42:13,868 --> 00:42:15,736 - Time to spare. - Alacrity. Yeah. 978 00:42:15,770 --> 00:42:18,639 Needless to say, right, it's totally side-swiped 979 00:42:18,672 --> 00:42:20,250 the pair of us. I mean, a bolt from the blue. 980 00:42:20,274 --> 00:42:22,710 Yeah. I mean, we think we've figured out 981 00:42:22,743 --> 00:42:23,644 why it's happening, 982 00:42:23,677 --> 00:42:25,155 but it still doesn't make sense, does it? 983 00:42:25,179 --> 00:42:26,580 - No. - Not really. But, 984 00:42:26,614 --> 00:42:27,948 you know, we tell you, 985 00:42:27,982 --> 00:42:29,693 you're not gonna understand it either, but here goes. 986 00:42:29,717 --> 00:42:30,961 All right, so, it all started right back 987 00:42:30,985 --> 00:42:32,229 at the end of the first lockdown. 988 00:42:32,253 --> 00:42:34,822 Well, it was the night of Mum's funeral. 989 00:42:34,855 --> 00:42:37,358 It was a weird day, to be fair, wasn't it? 990 00:42:37,391 --> 00:42:39,326 I mean, funerals, right, 991 00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:40,961 I've buried both my parents, 992 00:42:40,995 --> 00:42:43,197 and there's this whole bunch of stuff 993 00:42:43,230 --> 00:42:44,408 that you have to organize, you know. 994 00:42:44,432 --> 00:42:47,935 The strangers coming to your door to pay their respects, 995 00:42:47,968 --> 00:42:51,072 flowers, hymns, catering, 996 00:42:51,105 --> 00:42:52,940 picking a coffin, picking coffin ornaments. 997 00:42:52,973 --> 00:42:55,943 And, look, all this stuff, it can seem really irritating, 998 00:42:55,976 --> 00:42:57,711 but it's actually kind of amazing 999 00:42:57,745 --> 00:42:59,389 because what's it doing is it's distracting you 1000 00:42:59,413 --> 00:43:00,581 from what you've lost. 1001 00:43:00,614 --> 00:43:04,285 And, oh, God, I remember at my dad's funeral, 1002 00:43:04,318 --> 00:43:08,622 there was this big, six foot, tobaccoey lead smelter, right. 1003 00:43:08,656 --> 00:43:10,891 And he comes up to me and he goes... 1004 00:43:10,925 --> 00:43:14,061 He grabs my hand in his big fists and he goes, 1005 00:43:14,095 --> 00:43:15,796 "He was the last of the great 1006 00:43:15,830 --> 00:43:18,299 "characters, that man," right. 1007 00:43:18,332 --> 00:43:21,368 "When he left, the fun went out of that place." 1008 00:43:21,402 --> 00:43:23,370 "I loved that man." 1009 00:43:23,404 --> 00:43:25,172 And I guess 1010 00:43:25,206 --> 00:43:26,316 it's stuff like that, it just... 1011 00:43:26,340 --> 00:43:29,043 It teaches you things you never knew about the person 1012 00:43:29,076 --> 00:43:31,178 you thought you knew everything about, 1013 00:43:31,212 --> 00:43:32,313 and it distracts you. 1014 00:43:32,346 --> 00:43:35,149 Anyway, you don't get any of that at a Covid funeral. 1015 00:43:35,182 --> 00:43:38,652 It's five people at our Covid funeral. Five. 1016 00:43:38,686 --> 00:43:40,230 Don't organize catering for five people. 1017 00:43:40,254 --> 00:43:42,356 You gotta choose your coffin online, 1018 00:43:42,389 --> 00:43:45,025 so you're like, "Oh, that one, those handles." 1019 00:43:45,059 --> 00:43:47,304 Yeah, no strangers coming to your door at a Covid funeral. 1020 00:43:47,328 --> 00:43:49,272 Nobody sending flowers. I mean, what you gonna do, 1021 00:43:49,296 --> 00:43:50,965 you gonna wash them before they come in? 1022 00:43:50,998 --> 00:43:54,034 There's no singing at a Covid funeral, no hymns... 1023 00:43:54,068 --> 00:43:55,870 No strangers grabbing you by the fist, 1024 00:43:55,903 --> 00:43:57,147 looking you in the eye and telling you 1025 00:43:57,171 --> 00:43:58,348 that your father's actually... 1026 00:43:58,372 --> 00:43:59,874 Hold on, hold on, listen... 1027 00:44:02,109 --> 00:44:03,244 - Can I say something? - Aye. 1028 00:44:03,277 --> 00:44:05,779 Just... And you're not gonna look at me all weird or... 1029 00:44:05,813 --> 00:44:06,847 I don't know. 1030 00:44:06,881 --> 00:44:09,183 I mean, I don't know what you're gonna say, do I? 1031 00:44:16,123 --> 00:44:18,792 I loved that funeral. 1032 00:44:18,826 --> 00:44:21,428 And I know I shouldn't say that because, 1033 00:44:21,462 --> 00:44:22,963 other people, you know, 1034 00:44:22,997 --> 00:44:24,899 Jesus, it's so painful for them... 1035 00:44:25,900 --> 00:44:27,234 So agonizing not to be able 1036 00:44:27,268 --> 00:44:29,270 to have the funeral you need, but, like... 1037 00:44:29,303 --> 00:44:31,272 I mean, for me... 1038 00:44:31,305 --> 00:44:32,940 Like, for me, it was... 1039 00:44:34,308 --> 00:44:36,477 just the best. 1040 00:44:36,511 --> 00:44:38,879 Like, there's no... there's no... 1041 00:44:38,913 --> 00:44:41,115 there's no catering to worry about, 1042 00:44:41,148 --> 00:44:43,217 there's no flowers, 1043 00:44:43,250 --> 00:44:45,819 you know, no one's knocking at your door, 1044 00:44:45,853 --> 00:44:46,921 poking their nose in, 1045 00:44:46,954 --> 00:44:49,456 you're not obsessing about what the coffin is saying 1046 00:44:49,490 --> 00:44:51,392 about your love for the person you're burying, 1047 00:44:51,425 --> 00:44:53,093 there's no fucking hymns. 1048 00:44:53,794 --> 00:44:55,396 It's just you 1049 00:44:55,429 --> 00:44:57,464 and the person you're putting in the ground. And... 1050 00:44:59,466 --> 00:45:01,735 You know, there's nothing to distract you from the pain 1051 00:45:01,769 --> 00:45:04,405 of what you're losing and I loved that. 1052 00:45:04,438 --> 00:45:06,407 I fucking loved that funeral. 1053 00:45:06,907 --> 00:45:07,908 I... 1054 00:45:11,378 --> 00:45:13,147 I fucking loved that funeral, too. 1055 00:45:14,114 --> 00:45:15,449 - You did? - I did. 1056 00:45:16,450 --> 00:45:19,053 Well, then why were you all... 1057 00:45:19,086 --> 00:45:21,488 Well, 'cause you were like... 1058 00:45:21,523 --> 00:45:22,890 Yeah, but... 1059 00:45:22,923 --> 00:45:24,358 I was loving it. 1060 00:45:24,391 --> 00:45:25,426 I mean, not loving it. 1061 00:45:25,459 --> 00:45:26,994 You know, my mum is dead, but... 1062 00:45:27,027 --> 00:45:28,067 Yeah. Obviously. I mean... 1063 00:45:28,095 --> 00:45:29,063 Let me tell you, 1064 00:45:29,096 --> 00:45:31,865 that big six foot, chain-smoking lead smelter 1065 00:45:31,899 --> 00:45:34,077 that came up to me and told me all that shite about my dad, 1066 00:45:34,101 --> 00:45:36,103 that ruined my year. 1067 00:45:36,136 --> 00:45:37,471 I mean, do not need to find out 1068 00:45:37,505 --> 00:45:39,940 that the guy that's been an arsehole to me for decades 1069 00:45:39,974 --> 00:45:41,774 is actually Michael bloody McIntyre, you know. 1070 00:45:43,410 --> 00:45:45,779 Well, I couldn't say anything because... 1071 00:45:45,813 --> 00:45:46,847 Well, you know, it's... 1072 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:48,148 - No, you can't, can you? - No. 1073 00:45:48,182 --> 00:45:49,326 You're not supposed to be happy 1074 00:45:49,350 --> 00:45:51,051 about a Covid funeral, are you? 1075 00:45:51,085 --> 00:45:53,387 No. And I suppose when we got home, 1076 00:45:53,420 --> 00:45:55,557 we just got caught up talking about Artie, and... 1077 00:45:55,590 --> 00:45:57,858 Fuck, Artie was... He was... 1078 00:45:57,891 --> 00:45:58,727 Oh, he was upset. 1079 00:45:58,759 --> 00:46:00,461 Yeah, 'cause he wanted to see the body. 1080 00:46:00,494 --> 00:46:01,929 Yeah, 'cause he loved his gran. 1081 00:46:01,962 --> 00:46:03,964 And he wanted to touch it. 1082 00:46:03,998 --> 00:46:07,968 So what? I wanted to touch it, that's normal. 1083 00:46:08,002 --> 00:46:09,103 He wanted to taste it. 1084 00:46:09,136 --> 00:46:11,405 Not like... Don't say it like he's a cannibal or... 1085 00:46:11,438 --> 00:46:12,940 He didn't wanna saute it. 1086 00:46:12,973 --> 00:46:14,975 He wanted to see if a dead body... 1087 00:46:16,076 --> 00:46:17,420 - What? - Tastes like a live body. 1088 00:46:17,444 --> 00:46:19,113 Which is normal, right? 1089 00:46:19,146 --> 00:46:20,247 Absolutely normal. 1090 00:46:20,281 --> 00:46:22,316 Fucking curious, curious child. 1091 00:46:22,349 --> 00:46:23,183 Anyway, we... 1092 00:46:23,217 --> 00:46:26,153 So we had the funeral, we came home, 1093 00:46:26,186 --> 00:46:29,957 we talked about Arthur, we made some tea, 1094 00:46:29,990 --> 00:46:32,126 we had a bit of cheese 1095 00:46:32,159 --> 00:46:34,361 and then the next thing you know, we had a... 1096 00:46:35,296 --> 00:46:36,930 sexual contact. 1097 00:46:36,964 --> 00:46:38,932 Should we tell them what it was? 1098 00:46:38,966 --> 00:46:40,578 - No, we don't need to... - No, no, no. All right. 1099 00:46:40,602 --> 00:46:45,039 Look, suffice it to say, okay, one of us had an orgasm. 1100 00:46:45,072 --> 00:46:46,950 - We don't need to. Why? - I just thought they needed... 1101 00:46:46,974 --> 00:46:48,084 Why do you need to say that? 1102 00:46:48,108 --> 00:46:49,319 I thought it's important for them to know the details. 1103 00:46:49,343 --> 00:46:50,978 That was it, a one off. 1104 00:46:51,011 --> 00:46:54,481 You know, we put it down to the day, to the situation. 1105 00:46:54,516 --> 00:46:55,482 We're not doing that again. 1106 00:46:55,517 --> 00:46:58,052 Oh, God, no. Done, bang, over. What's on telly? 1107 00:46:58,085 --> 00:47:00,354 Yeah, and then post-lockdown life settles in 1108 00:47:00,387 --> 00:47:02,524 and we just completely forget about it. 1109 00:47:02,557 --> 00:47:03,792 Things start to change, 1110 00:47:03,824 --> 00:47:05,969 you know, you can see people, you can go to restaurants... 1111 00:47:05,993 --> 00:47:07,638 They encouraged you to go to restaurants, bizarrely. 1112 00:47:07,662 --> 00:47:10,197 Yeah. Through all of that, we did not have sex. 1113 00:47:10,230 --> 00:47:11,432 - No. No. - Even once. 1114 00:47:11,465 --> 00:47:13,434 And little Artie, right, he's back at school. 1115 00:47:13,467 --> 00:47:14,512 Then he was out of school again 1116 00:47:14,536 --> 00:47:15,576 'cause some kid got Covid. 1117 00:47:15,603 --> 00:47:17,605 And then he was in, then he was out, 1118 00:47:17,639 --> 00:47:18,707 and then he was in again, 1119 00:47:18,740 --> 00:47:20,317 it was like a bloody yo-yo, to be honest with you. 1120 00:47:20,341 --> 00:47:22,076 But, point is, that there was space 1121 00:47:22,109 --> 00:47:25,212 to ourselves to do it in, had we so desired. 1122 00:47:25,245 --> 00:47:26,480 And we didn't at all, did we? 1123 00:47:26,514 --> 00:47:28,215 No. I mean, I was working, I was busy. 1124 00:47:28,248 --> 00:47:30,652 Yeah, and summer comes, then autumn. 1125 00:47:30,685 --> 00:47:33,087 And then it was like people seemed to forget that 1126 00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:34,931 we were living in a country that was being held together 1127 00:47:34,955 --> 00:47:36,357 by shoestring and Sellotape, 1128 00:47:36,390 --> 00:47:38,536 and people that don't have the option to work from home, 1129 00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:40,961 people that have got shit jobs and shit pay, 1130 00:47:40,994 --> 00:47:42,439 but have to look after shits like us... 1131 00:47:42,463 --> 00:47:44,231 Ah. Careful, comrade! 1132 00:47:44,264 --> 00:47:45,199 Fuck off. The world 1133 00:47:45,232 --> 00:47:47,034 is still dog-eat-dog, I'm not saying that. 1134 00:47:47,067 --> 00:47:48,311 Have an idea, for Christ's sake, 1135 00:47:48,335 --> 00:47:50,104 don't just eat chicken fucking nuggets. 1136 00:47:50,137 --> 00:47:51,573 Oh, there he is. 1137 00:47:51,606 --> 00:47:54,208 The point is, at no point during any of this 1138 00:47:54,241 --> 00:47:56,076 do we even consider having sex. 1139 00:47:56,110 --> 00:47:57,010 Not even just there, 1140 00:47:57,044 --> 00:47:59,346 when the lockdown to save Christmas starts. 1141 00:47:59,380 --> 00:48:01,048 We're still not doing it, are we? 1142 00:48:01,081 --> 00:48:02,593 No. God, no. I mean, not in a million years. 1143 00:48:02,617 --> 00:48:03,551 No. And then, right, 1144 00:48:03,585 --> 00:48:06,420 they announce a vaccine's been discovered. 1145 00:48:06,453 --> 00:48:10,658 And we just start fucking ploughing like teenagers. 1146 00:48:10,692 --> 00:48:14,194 Honestly, no idea why. Like... 1147 00:48:14,228 --> 00:48:16,330 Did the announcement trigger it? You know. 1148 00:48:16,363 --> 00:48:17,665 Is it a lockdown phenomenon? 1149 00:48:17,699 --> 00:48:19,400 Are other people experiencing this? 1150 00:48:19,433 --> 00:48:22,336 Maybe because the vaccine's gonna make things better? 1151 00:48:22,369 --> 00:48:24,171 - Yeah, for you, maybe. - How do you mean? 1152 00:48:24,204 --> 00:48:26,206 Well, I mean, they're not gonna be 1153 00:48:26,240 --> 00:48:28,510 vaccinating people in refugee camps any time soon. 1154 00:48:28,543 --> 00:48:31,178 Here we go, let the virtue signaling begin. 1155 00:48:31,211 --> 00:48:34,148 No, rich countries will be snapping it up. 1156 00:48:34,181 --> 00:48:36,316 Hey, look, everybody, a good person is here! 1157 00:48:36,350 --> 00:48:39,186 Fuck off! Life and death shouldn't be about profit. 1158 00:48:39,219 --> 00:48:40,296 Everything is about profit. 1159 00:48:40,320 --> 00:48:42,389 And don't say "profit" like it's a bad thing, okay. 1160 00:48:42,423 --> 00:48:44,568 How do you think they made the vaccine? They used money. 1161 00:48:44,592 --> 00:48:45,560 Oh. Well, all I know 1162 00:48:45,593 --> 00:48:47,394 is that you are gonna be getting the vaccine 1163 00:48:47,428 --> 00:48:49,597 long before any front-line worker in Sierra Leone, 1164 00:48:49,631 --> 00:48:51,198 and what the fuck do you do? 1165 00:48:51,231 --> 00:48:53,042 I would run out there tomorrow and get it if I could. 1166 00:48:53,066 --> 00:48:54,301 Yeah. No, I know you would. 1167 00:48:54,334 --> 00:48:56,514 You'd run out there with your big fat fucking purse, like... 1168 00:48:56,538 --> 00:48:58,640 100%, I'd get it like a shot. 1169 00:48:58,673 --> 00:49:02,209 I'd get it twice, three times, once for the weekend. 1170 00:49:02,242 --> 00:49:03,477 Why am I having sex with you? 1171 00:49:03,511 --> 00:49:06,380 I don't know, that's the point. 1172 00:49:06,413 --> 00:49:08,148 We did it in the kitchen this morning. 1173 00:49:08,182 --> 00:49:10,484 Over the dishwasher. I mean, that is unfathomable. 1174 00:49:10,518 --> 00:49:12,663 - Why would you go into... - What are you talking about? 1175 00:49:12,687 --> 00:49:15,155 We're over-sharing. 1176 00:49:15,189 --> 00:49:18,025 Oh, shit. Er... We are. I'm really sorry about that. 1177 00:49:18,058 --> 00:49:19,335 You don't need to go into all the info. 1178 00:49:19,359 --> 00:49:21,295 No. Yeah, all the ins and outs. 1179 00:49:22,396 --> 00:49:23,765 - Oh, come on. - Sorry. 1180 00:49:23,798 --> 00:49:25,432 How old are you? 1181 00:49:25,466 --> 00:49:27,468 - How old are you? - Fucking... 1182 00:49:27,501 --> 00:49:30,370 It doesn't mean we're all suddenly, you know... 1183 00:49:30,404 --> 00:49:33,040 - No! No. - Suddenly all lovey... 1184 00:49:33,073 --> 00:49:35,209 - No! Absolutely not. - Dovey and all that. 1185 00:49:35,242 --> 00:49:37,244 Fuck, no. No, no, no, no. 1186 00:49:37,277 --> 00:49:39,046 It's like, it's physical, isn't it? 1187 00:49:39,079 --> 00:49:40,782 Physical. Just purely contractual, eh? 1188 00:49:40,815 --> 00:49:44,218 - Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah. - Aye. Yes! Yes! 1189 00:49:44,251 --> 00:49:46,186 It's not like we're not suddenly in... 1190 00:49:46,220 --> 00:49:48,455 - Fuck, no! Jesus. - Love or... 1191 00:49:48,489 --> 00:49:50,457 - like through the tulips... - Don't. 1192 00:49:50,491 --> 00:49:52,192 Fucking holding hands, 1193 00:49:52,226 --> 00:49:54,228 braiding each other's bits, and fucking... 1194 00:49:54,261 --> 00:49:55,763 Still makes me sick. 1195 00:49:55,797 --> 00:49:57,097 Yeah, and the sight of her 1196 00:49:57,130 --> 00:49:58,576 still makes me wanna stab my own feet. 1197 00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:00,434 I mean, I definitely do not... 1198 00:50:00,835 --> 00:50:02,670 Do I? 1199 00:50:02,704 --> 00:50:06,406 I think maybe the... the truth is, is that... 1200 00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:08,710 I'm still struggling with my mum's death, you know, 1201 00:50:08,743 --> 00:50:11,078 and... and... and maybe the vaccine, 1202 00:50:11,111 --> 00:50:12,814 like, triggered something, you know. 1203 00:50:12,847 --> 00:50:15,182 I mean, just the thought 1204 00:50:15,215 --> 00:50:18,085 that if she'd had it, you know, she'd... 1205 00:50:19,119 --> 00:50:21,054 And just the unfairness of that, 1206 00:50:21,088 --> 00:50:23,156 like the nonsense of it, and... 1207 00:50:23,190 --> 00:50:26,126 This physical thing that's been happening between us, 1208 00:50:26,159 --> 00:50:27,562 I think maybe it's helped. 1209 00:50:27,595 --> 00:50:28,830 Yeah. 1210 00:50:28,863 --> 00:50:30,464 Yeah, for me, too. 1211 00:50:30,497 --> 00:50:32,700 - You too? - Yeah. I think so. 1212 00:50:32,734 --> 00:50:35,335 I think the sex has helped. 1213 00:50:35,369 --> 00:50:37,337 Well, yeah, the sex, but... 1214 00:50:37,371 --> 00:50:40,140 You know, it's not just the sex, it's the contact... 1215 00:50:40,173 --> 00:50:41,208 Yeah, no, it is. 1216 00:50:41,241 --> 00:50:44,746 It's the contact. It's the contact. 1217 00:50:44,779 --> 00:50:46,422 And it's the sex as well, if I'm being honest, 1218 00:50:46,446 --> 00:50:47,491 you know, for me, personally. 1219 00:50:47,515 --> 00:50:49,717 And it's not just the vaccine 1220 00:50:49,751 --> 00:50:51,385 that's been messing with my head. I... 1221 00:50:52,554 --> 00:50:56,423 I find this really hard to admit, 1222 00:50:56,456 --> 00:50:57,701 but I've got complicated feelings 1223 00:50:57,725 --> 00:50:58,560 towards my sister now. 1224 00:50:58,593 --> 00:51:00,562 I think it's chilled me out somewhat. 1225 00:51:00,595 --> 00:51:03,330 And she feels... she feels terrible, you know, 1226 00:51:03,363 --> 00:51:06,534 just awful, terrible. And I... 1227 00:51:06,568 --> 00:51:08,502 I should be feeling sympathetic towards her, 1228 00:51:08,536 --> 00:51:09,837 but I just feel really angry, 1229 00:51:09,871 --> 00:51:11,138 like I just have so much anger. 1230 00:51:11,171 --> 00:51:12,282 I think it's relaxed me a bit. 1231 00:51:12,306 --> 00:51:14,509 And I hate myself for feeling like this. 1232 00:51:14,542 --> 00:51:17,477 - But if I'm really honest... - Just emptying my bags. 1233 00:51:19,814 --> 00:51:22,115 - What? - What? 1234 00:51:22,149 --> 00:51:24,451 - What did you just say? - No, I was just... 1235 00:51:24,484 --> 00:51:25,820 - For God's sake! - Joking. 1236 00:51:25,853 --> 00:51:27,487 - I was joking. - "Emptying your bags"? 1237 00:51:27,522 --> 00:51:28,556 Don't joke! 1238 00:51:28,590 --> 00:51:29,833 - I'm really sorry. - Jesus... I mean, 1239 00:51:29,857 --> 00:51:31,301 - what is wrong with you? - I said I'm sorry. 1240 00:51:31,325 --> 00:51:32,225 - You always do this! - Honest to God, 1241 00:51:32,259 --> 00:51:33,904 - I'm really sorry. - No. Just when I begin 1242 00:51:33,928 --> 00:51:35,371 - to think, you always... - I don't always do anything. 1243 00:51:35,395 --> 00:51:36,439 Just when I begin to think... 1244 00:51:36,463 --> 00:51:37,783 Just when you begin to think what? 1245 00:51:42,904 --> 00:51:44,104 Just... 1246 00:51:44,706 --> 00:51:46,406 Don't walk away. 1247 00:51:46,440 --> 00:51:47,809 Don't walk away! 1248 00:51:54,414 --> 00:51:55,817 She's been hit by it. 1249 00:51:57,785 --> 00:51:59,721 I know she doesn't look it, but... 1250 00:52:01,455 --> 00:52:03,190 inside, you know... 1251 00:52:08,261 --> 00:52:09,329 grief. 1252 00:53:02,684 --> 00:53:04,719 I can't escape the feeling 1253 00:53:04,752 --> 00:53:07,622 that my mother didn't die, she was killed. 1254 00:53:08,823 --> 00:53:10,591 The problem is that people don't understand 1255 00:53:10,625 --> 00:53:12,392 the word "exponential." 1256 00:53:12,426 --> 00:53:15,963 They think it means "a lot" or "quite fastly." 1257 00:53:15,997 --> 00:53:21,301 You see it on TV, you know, or in bad sci-fi movies. 1258 00:53:22,870 --> 00:53:25,472 "Good God, this alien mass is growing exponentially," 1259 00:53:25,506 --> 00:53:27,374 and you think, "Oh, that's a lot." 1260 00:53:27,407 --> 00:53:28,408 But, erm, 1261 00:53:28,442 --> 00:53:31,746 it's worth taking the time to understand the... 1262 00:53:31,779 --> 00:53:34,982 the mathematics of exponential growth. 1263 00:53:36,050 --> 00:53:38,418 Right, so you, er... 1264 00:53:38,452 --> 00:53:40,822 So you start with one and you double it, 1265 00:53:40,855 --> 00:53:41,723 say, every three days. 1266 00:53:41,756 --> 00:53:44,625 So you're doubling it every three days. 1267 00:53:44,659 --> 00:53:48,529 So, by the end of a week, you've got four. 1268 00:53:48,563 --> 00:53:51,833 One has become four in a week. 1269 00:53:53,034 --> 00:53:55,570 And by the end of the second week, you have 16. 1270 00:53:55,603 --> 00:53:58,740 By the end of the third week, you have 128. 1271 00:53:58,773 --> 00:54:02,275 And as the month draws to a close, you have 512. 1272 00:54:03,010 --> 00:54:05,713 That's after just four weeks. 1273 00:54:05,747 --> 00:54:08,883 Okay. So, that's a lot more than one, but, you know, 1274 00:54:09,851 --> 00:54:11,418 not so much. 1275 00:54:12,754 --> 00:54:14,421 But if you carry on, 1276 00:54:16,023 --> 00:54:19,894 the fifth week gives you 2,048. 1277 00:54:19,927 --> 00:54:22,764 The sixth gives you 8,192. 1278 00:54:23,631 --> 00:54:25,800 The seventh... 1279 00:54:25,833 --> 00:54:31,304 The seventh gives you 65,536. 1280 00:54:31,338 --> 00:54:35,810 The eighth gives you 262,144. 1281 00:54:35,843 --> 00:54:37,979 And if you go one week more, 1282 00:54:38,012 --> 00:54:40,915 pretty much near as dammit to the... 1283 00:54:40,948 --> 00:54:43,718 to the... to the... to the two calendar months 1284 00:54:43,751 --> 00:54:45,028 from when this whole thing started, 1285 00:54:45,052 --> 00:54:50,925 you get 1,048,576. 1286 00:54:50,958 --> 00:54:52,870 So the difference between the start of the first week 1287 00:54:52,894 --> 00:54:54,529 and the end of the first week is four. 1288 00:54:56,097 --> 00:54:58,533 And the difference between the start of the ninth week 1289 00:54:58,566 --> 00:55:00,768 and the end of the ninth week 1290 00:55:01,669 --> 00:55:05,405 is 786,432. 1291 00:55:05,438 --> 00:55:06,874 So, same amount of days, 1292 00:55:08,075 --> 00:55:09,744 hugely different numbers. 1293 00:55:14,949 --> 00:55:20,988 This isn't an illustration of coronavirus, by the way. 1294 00:55:21,022 --> 00:55:23,356 This isn't what actually happened. 1295 00:55:23,390 --> 00:55:25,358 You know, we didn't quite go to nine weeks 1296 00:55:25,392 --> 00:55:27,538 before the first lockdown. There wasn't just one person 1297 00:55:27,562 --> 00:55:28,495 who brought it into the country. 1298 00:55:28,529 --> 00:55:32,800 It's probably as many as 1,300 patient zeros. 1299 00:55:32,834 --> 00:55:35,870 And this doesn't take into account, 1300 00:55:35,903 --> 00:55:38,806 you know, pre-lockdown efforts to battle the virus, 1301 00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:41,108 track and trace, people changing behavior. 1302 00:55:41,142 --> 00:55:42,844 What actually happened is, 1303 00:55:42,877 --> 00:55:45,847 it's far more complex than what I've just done. 1304 00:55:45,880 --> 00:55:48,481 What I've just done is... 1305 00:55:48,516 --> 00:55:50,084 illustrate the word "exponential." 1306 00:55:50,117 --> 00:55:53,721 And it doesn't mean "quite fastly." 1307 00:55:54,454 --> 00:55:55,890 What it means is... 1308 00:55:57,457 --> 00:56:01,062 What it means is that timing matters. 1309 00:56:03,831 --> 00:56:08,769 It's said that if we'd locked down one week earlier, 1310 00:56:08,803 --> 00:56:13,808 just one week, that we could have saved 20,000 lives. 1311 00:56:13,841 --> 00:56:16,010 So it seems to me that the word "exponential" 1312 00:56:16,043 --> 00:56:16,911 was not understood. 1313 00:56:16,944 --> 00:56:19,446 But I've just explained it to you in... 1314 00:56:19,479 --> 00:56:21,115 I've just explained it to you in... 1315 00:56:21,949 --> 00:56:25,820 1 minute, 34 seconds. And... 1316 00:56:26,821 --> 00:56:28,756 you get it, right? 1317 00:56:29,657 --> 00:56:31,391 It's not that hard, is it? 1318 00:56:35,563 --> 00:56:38,032 In January, 2020, 1319 00:56:38,065 --> 00:56:40,668 the Care Provider Alliance 1320 00:56:40,701 --> 00:56:44,105 contacted the Department of Health and Social Care 1321 00:56:44,138 --> 00:56:45,640 and said, 1322 00:56:45,673 --> 00:56:49,043 "What should we be doing about this new coronavirus?" 1323 00:56:49,076 --> 00:56:50,811 And they were told, 1324 00:56:50,845 --> 00:56:53,480 "Nothing. Don't do anything different." 1325 00:56:53,514 --> 00:56:54,982 And they contacted them a week later 1326 00:56:55,016 --> 00:56:57,718 and they said, "What should we be doing now? 1327 00:56:57,752 --> 00:56:59,620 "I mean, should we be, 1328 00:56:59,654 --> 00:57:01,522 "you know, should we be self-isolating? 1329 00:57:01,555 --> 00:57:04,091 "Should we be restricting visits" 1330 00:57:04,125 --> 00:57:06,961 "from family and friends?" 1331 00:57:06,994 --> 00:57:07,962 "Should we..." 1332 00:57:07,995 --> 00:57:09,740 "Should we be, like... Should we wear masks?" 1333 00:57:09,764 --> 00:57:12,499 And this time, they weren't told, 1334 00:57:12,533 --> 00:57:14,769 "Nothing." This time, they were told... 1335 00:57:16,837 --> 00:57:19,674 Well, this time, they weren't told anything. 1336 00:57:19,707 --> 00:57:22,176 This time, they weren't told anything at all. 1337 00:57:23,277 --> 00:57:27,181 And it wasn't until a month later 1338 00:57:27,214 --> 00:57:30,651 that they were given guidance. 1339 00:57:30,685 --> 00:57:34,922 This is the end of February now 1340 00:57:34,956 --> 00:57:37,558 and the guidance was that they, 1341 00:57:37,591 --> 00:57:41,494 "You do not need to wear masks" 1342 00:57:41,529 --> 00:57:44,865 "and it remains very unlikely that people receiving care" 1343 00:57:44,899 --> 00:57:47,568 "in care homes will become infected." 1344 00:57:47,601 --> 00:57:49,537 And I'm gonna repeat that. 1345 00:57:49,570 --> 00:57:51,238 I'm gonna repeat the advice 1346 00:57:51,272 --> 00:57:53,541 from the Department of Health and Social Care, 1347 00:57:53,574 --> 00:57:57,645 "It remains very unlikely that people receiving care" 1348 00:57:57,678 --> 00:58:01,248 "in care homes will become infected." 1349 00:58:01,282 --> 00:58:04,218 You can... You can look that up. It's... 1350 00:58:04,251 --> 00:58:06,253 There will still be links for it. 1351 00:58:07,221 --> 00:58:09,090 And this is one week 1352 00:58:09,123 --> 00:58:11,892 before our Prime Minister is walking around 1353 00:58:11,926 --> 00:58:14,962 just boasting about shaking hands 1354 00:58:14,996 --> 00:58:17,264 with coronavirus patients. 1355 00:58:17,298 --> 00:58:20,001 And then the Imperial College 1356 00:58:20,034 --> 00:58:23,170 points out that if left unchecked, 1357 00:58:23,204 --> 00:58:27,174 the virus could kill half a million people, 1358 00:58:27,208 --> 00:58:29,076 and the government are like, 1359 00:58:29,110 --> 00:58:30,911 "Oh... Oh, fuck, really?" 1360 00:58:32,079 --> 00:58:34,515 "Oh, shit. Fuck." 1361 00:58:35,983 --> 00:58:38,819 And then... then the panic kicks in. 1362 00:58:38,853 --> 00:58:40,988 The NHS is gonna be overwhelmed, 1363 00:58:41,022 --> 00:58:42,990 we're gonna be like Italy... 1364 00:58:43,024 --> 00:58:45,559 "Oh, please, God, don't let us be Italy." 1365 00:58:45,593 --> 00:58:50,898 And ministers order 15,000 hospital beds to be vacated, 1366 00:58:50,931 --> 00:58:53,034 and the guidance given to hospitals 1367 00:58:53,067 --> 00:58:57,071 is that it shouldn't take more than three hours. 1368 00:58:57,104 --> 00:59:00,107 So patients are taken out of hospitals 1369 00:59:00,141 --> 00:59:02,643 and they're dumped into care homes, 1370 00:59:02,676 --> 00:59:05,980 and they're not being tested because... 1371 00:59:06,013 --> 00:59:07,815 And again, I'm gonna quote here, 1372 00:59:07,848 --> 00:59:11,052 "that Covid sufferers can be" 1373 00:59:11,085 --> 00:59:13,954 "safely cared for in care homes." 1374 00:59:18,392 --> 00:59:20,194 So, while the... 1375 00:59:20,928 --> 00:59:23,764 While the NHS... 1376 00:59:23,798 --> 00:59:28,102 the burden on the NHS was being so hotly debated 1377 00:59:28,135 --> 00:59:32,706 and... and while, you know, the fact that there was no... 1378 00:59:32,740 --> 00:59:35,342 not enough PPE gear to go around, 1379 00:59:35,376 --> 00:59:37,311 while all that was being discussed, 1380 00:59:37,344 --> 00:59:39,980 the care homes were given next to nothing. 1381 00:59:40,014 --> 00:59:41,649 I mean, they were given dribs and drabs 1382 00:59:41,682 --> 00:59:43,217 while the prices shot up. 1383 00:59:43,250 --> 00:59:47,721 And some local authorities threatened to withhold money 1384 00:59:47,755 --> 00:59:49,990 from care homes if they didn't take in 1385 00:59:50,024 --> 00:59:53,928 confirmed coronavirus patients. 1386 00:59:56,063 --> 00:59:59,066 So they were sent in to these places 1387 00:59:59,100 --> 01:00:02,069 like biological warfare. 1388 01:00:02,103 --> 01:00:07,074 They were like... like blankets laced in smallpox. 1389 01:00:12,413 --> 01:00:17,651 In the first lockdown, it's said that 40% of the people 1390 01:00:17,685 --> 01:00:22,223 who died from coronavirus were from care homes. 40%. 1391 01:00:23,924 --> 01:00:26,427 So you see, I can't escape the feeling 1392 01:00:26,460 --> 01:00:27,995 that my mother was killed. 1393 01:00:28,028 --> 01:00:32,266 And not by a car, or a gun, or a knife, 1394 01:00:32,299 --> 01:00:35,236 or a cricket bat, or even by the virus. 1395 01:00:35,269 --> 01:00:39,173 She was... She was killed by stupidity. 1396 01:00:39,206 --> 01:00:43,244 She was killed by dumbfuckery. She was killed by... 1397 01:00:43,277 --> 01:00:45,846 by someone looking at something coming at them 1398 01:00:45,880 --> 01:00:47,781 at the speed of a freight train 1399 01:00:47,815 --> 01:00:49,326 and just being like, "Oh, let's just..." 1400 01:00:49,350 --> 01:00:51,952 "let's just carry on, shall we? Let's just..." 1401 01:00:55,022 --> 01:00:55,990 "You know, it's a bit..." 1402 01:00:56,023 --> 01:01:00,361 "It's a bit fucking Dunkirk spirit, you know," 1403 01:01:00,394 --> 01:01:04,331 "a bit stiff upper lip. Let's just carry on, old man." 1404 01:01:04,365 --> 01:01:05,966 And my mother... 1405 01:01:06,934 --> 01:01:08,435 My mum... 1406 01:01:11,005 --> 01:01:12,339 I think, erm... 1407 01:01:13,174 --> 01:01:14,742 I think that's it. 1408 01:01:16,410 --> 01:01:17,444 Do you... Do you... 1409 01:01:17,478 --> 01:01:20,748 Isn't it? Have you got that off... 1410 01:01:20,781 --> 01:01:22,283 Do you remember the... the... 1411 01:01:22,316 --> 01:01:24,018 when we were supposed to lockdown? 1412 01:01:24,051 --> 01:01:27,721 We were supposed to lockdown and... and then we didn't. 1413 01:01:27,755 --> 01:01:29,490 And they came out and they said, 1414 01:01:29,524 --> 01:01:32,927 you know, "Don't go to clubs or bars," 1415 01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:35,829 "or... or restaurants, you know," 1416 01:01:35,863 --> 01:01:40,000 "unless you just bloody well want to or something." 1417 01:01:40,034 --> 01:01:43,237 That was when, like, Spain and France 1418 01:01:43,270 --> 01:01:47,208 and Lithuania and Malaysia, they were all locking down. 1419 01:01:48,242 --> 01:01:49,243 Yeah. 1420 01:01:51,345 --> 01:01:52,346 Is that... 1421 01:01:54,014 --> 01:01:55,216 Is that it? 1422 01:01:58,953 --> 01:02:00,821 "Is that it"? 1423 01:02:00,854 --> 01:02:03,057 I don't mean, "Is that all you can muster?" 1424 01:02:03,090 --> 01:02:04,458 I mean it genuinely. 1425 01:02:04,491 --> 01:02:07,428 If you've got more, you've got the right to say. 1426 01:02:07,461 --> 01:02:09,163 Oh, yeah. Sorry, no. 1427 01:02:10,397 --> 01:02:12,132 No, that... Yeah, that's it. 1428 01:02:14,201 --> 01:02:15,803 Are you all right? 1429 01:02:17,338 --> 01:02:19,240 No, I don't think so, really. 1430 01:02:22,577 --> 01:02:23,777 Well... 1431 01:02:29,116 --> 01:02:32,052 I... I just feel like something's changing in me, 1432 01:02:32,086 --> 01:02:34,086 you know, I just feel like I'm going into a dark... 1433 01:02:35,022 --> 01:02:36,757 Just a bit of a dark place. 1434 01:02:40,494 --> 01:02:43,364 Oh, right. Fuck. Erm... 1435 01:02:43,397 --> 01:02:45,766 Why don't we think of something positive? 1436 01:02:47,401 --> 01:02:49,470 - Positive? - Yeah, like, why don't we 1437 01:02:49,503 --> 01:02:51,438 try and leave the room on a positive thing? 1438 01:02:53,907 --> 01:02:56,511 - What positive thing? - I don't know. Erm... 1439 01:02:56,544 --> 01:02:59,480 - Arthur. What about Arthur? - Okay. What about Arthur? 1440 01:03:01,516 --> 01:03:02,483 Actually, he said 1441 01:03:02,517 --> 01:03:04,885 this really interesting thing the other day. 1442 01:03:04,918 --> 01:03:06,887 He's really clever, he really is. 1443 01:03:06,920 --> 01:03:10,057 It's this whole evolutionary theory. Humans as prey. 1444 01:03:10,090 --> 01:03:12,293 Which I know sounds a bit whatever, 1445 01:03:12,326 --> 01:03:14,596 but bear with me, okay? 1446 01:03:14,629 --> 01:03:18,032 It's this whole evolutionary theory that states that, 1447 01:03:18,065 --> 01:03:20,267 far from this picture we've got of early hominids 1448 01:03:20,301 --> 01:03:21,969 being, like, the great hunter, 1449 01:03:22,002 --> 01:03:23,346 it's actually fact that we were prey 1450 01:03:23,370 --> 01:03:25,507 that helped propel our development. 1451 01:03:25,540 --> 01:03:28,142 And Arthur was saying that it still happens today. 1452 01:03:28,175 --> 01:03:30,978 He was saying that 50 people a year in Tanzania 1453 01:03:31,011 --> 01:03:32,246 get eaten by lions. 1454 01:03:32,279 --> 01:03:36,016 And that, in this one village, there's, like, 1455 01:03:36,050 --> 01:03:39,086 a leopard that stands up out of the tall grass, like that, 1456 01:03:39,119 --> 01:03:42,089 and then when the villagers come to chase it away, 1457 01:03:42,122 --> 01:03:43,324 it'll circle round the back 1458 01:03:43,357 --> 01:03:44,467 and it'll eat a couple of the babies 1459 01:03:44,491 --> 01:03:46,093 that have been left behind. 1460 01:03:47,629 --> 01:03:48,797 That's really grim. 1461 01:03:48,829 --> 01:03:51,865 I was thinking that as I was saying it. It's a bit grim. 1462 01:03:51,899 --> 01:03:54,201 - Maybe something else, then. - Yeah. 1463 01:03:54,234 --> 01:03:55,546 - Can you think of anything? - Me? 1464 01:03:55,570 --> 01:03:57,572 - Aye. - Oh. Uh... 1465 01:03:59,206 --> 01:04:01,643 Oh, Brexit, that happened, so... 1466 01:04:01,676 --> 01:04:04,345 Let's just... to the side of that, shall we? 1467 01:04:04,378 --> 01:04:05,879 Oh, I just... 1468 01:04:09,116 --> 01:04:10,050 Erm... 1469 01:04:10,084 --> 01:04:13,354 - Your company. Yeah. - My company collapsed. 1470 01:04:13,387 --> 01:04:15,222 Well, I mean, you were happy about it. 1471 01:04:15,255 --> 01:04:18,560 Don't say that in front of... I had to fire people. 1472 01:04:18,593 --> 01:04:20,461 Oh, no, I don't mean... I didn't mean... 1473 01:04:20,494 --> 01:04:22,429 I'm not happy about it. I've had to fire people, 1474 01:04:22,463 --> 01:04:24,575 and I've lost my job, and I've got no money coming in. 1475 01:04:24,599 --> 01:04:26,500 - I'm not happy about it. - Yeah. 1476 01:04:26,534 --> 01:04:28,402 I'm being sanguine. I'm sanguine about it. 1477 01:04:28,435 --> 01:04:30,304 Yeah, I meant... I meant sanguine. 1478 01:04:31,105 --> 01:04:32,507 I meant sanguine. 1479 01:04:35,142 --> 01:04:36,186 Maybe this is a bollocks idea... 1480 01:04:36,210 --> 01:04:37,354 No, it's not a bollocks idea! 1481 01:04:37,378 --> 01:04:38,646 - It might be. - No, it's good. 1482 01:04:38,680 --> 01:04:39,913 I like it. 1483 01:04:39,947 --> 01:04:41,915 - You do? - Yeah. Erm... 1484 01:04:42,249 --> 01:04:43,384 Yeah. 1485 01:04:45,252 --> 01:04:46,253 Uh... 1486 01:04:46,987 --> 01:04:49,156 Oh, Maryama. 1487 01:04:49,189 --> 01:04:53,661 Maryama, Mum's carer, she's still hanging in there. 1488 01:04:53,695 --> 01:04:55,563 - How is that positive? - Well, she hasn't... 1489 01:04:55,597 --> 01:04:56,807 The coronavirus hasn't killed her yet. 1490 01:04:56,831 --> 01:05:00,000 Don't think we even told them that she'd got coronavirus. 1491 01:05:00,033 --> 01:05:03,270 Oh, shit! Oh, yeah, she got it really bad. 1492 01:05:03,303 --> 01:05:04,405 Really bad, actually. 1493 01:05:04,438 --> 01:05:06,541 And yet, she hasn't died of it yet, 1494 01:05:06,574 --> 01:05:08,576 so that's the positive. What the fuck! 1495 01:05:08,610 --> 01:05:09,577 I'm trying to... 1496 01:05:09,611 --> 01:05:11,451 We're gonna need to try a lot harder than that. 1497 01:05:11,478 --> 01:05:12,723 It's your idea. Why don't you think of... 1498 01:05:12,747 --> 01:05:14,516 Why don't we get married, then? 1499 01:05:16,450 --> 01:05:18,553 - What? - You know, let's fucking... 1500 01:05:20,588 --> 01:05:22,055 fucking... 1501 01:05:23,190 --> 01:05:24,458 Let's fucking... 1502 01:05:25,660 --> 01:05:27,060 get married, then. 1503 01:05:31,533 --> 01:05:33,133 Are you proposing to me? 1504 01:05:33,635 --> 01:05:34,636 Yep. 1505 01:05:36,036 --> 01:05:38,305 - Yeah, actually I am. - Right. 1506 01:05:40,274 --> 01:05:42,009 And your proposal is, 1507 01:05:42,042 --> 01:05:44,178 "Let's fucking get... fucking... 1508 01:05:44,211 --> 01:05:45,580 "Let's fucking get married, then"? 1509 01:05:45,613 --> 01:05:48,315 It's not Keats, I'll give you that. 1510 01:05:48,348 --> 01:05:50,618 Are you asking me that to say something positive? 1511 01:05:50,652 --> 01:05:52,186 - Is that... - No. 1512 01:05:54,288 --> 01:05:55,989 No. 1513 01:05:56,023 --> 01:05:57,424 - Oh... - No. 1514 01:05:58,158 --> 01:06:00,394 Absolutely not. No. 1515 01:06:02,463 --> 01:06:04,498 Maybe a wee bit. I don't really know. 1516 01:06:04,532 --> 01:06:05,432 Look, here's the thing, 1517 01:06:05,466 --> 01:06:07,735 we've been through all this stuff, right. 1518 01:06:07,769 --> 01:06:09,671 And we are, you and I, 1519 01:06:10,705 --> 01:06:12,105 still here. 1520 01:06:15,743 --> 01:06:17,444 Wow. 1521 01:06:17,478 --> 01:06:18,613 That is... I mean, 1522 01:06:18,646 --> 01:06:21,348 that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me. 1523 01:06:21,381 --> 01:06:23,183 Did you hear that in a song or something? 1524 01:06:23,217 --> 01:06:25,653 Look, I've been thinking about it a lot. A lot. 1525 01:06:25,687 --> 01:06:27,454 And I think that... 1526 01:06:27,488 --> 01:06:30,324 I don't know how, right, but somehow, 1527 01:06:30,357 --> 01:06:32,359 - I probably love you. - You probably love me? 1528 01:06:32,392 --> 01:06:36,430 I love you. I fucking love you. 1529 01:06:36,463 --> 01:06:39,233 And I know that doesn't make much sense 'cause... 1530 01:06:39,266 --> 01:06:40,426 I kind of hate you as well... 1531 01:06:41,435 --> 01:06:43,036 or I've spent a lot of time hating you, 1532 01:06:43,070 --> 01:06:44,772 but I don't think I do anymore. 1533 01:06:46,373 --> 01:06:48,218 I think there's this chance that we've somehow ended up 1534 01:06:48,242 --> 01:06:52,145 in this place that is the love that exists beyond hate. 1535 01:06:53,781 --> 01:06:55,617 And the love that exists beyond hate, 1536 01:06:55,650 --> 01:06:58,051 not a lot of people get to go there. 1537 01:06:58,085 --> 01:07:00,420 It's a fucking peculiar place. 1538 01:07:02,757 --> 01:07:03,791 It's unique. 1539 01:07:06,260 --> 01:07:07,461 It's utterly rarefied 1540 01:07:08,696 --> 01:07:10,497 and it's extremely beautiful. 1541 01:07:11,866 --> 01:07:14,268 So, yeah, I think we should probably... 1542 01:07:15,402 --> 01:07:17,204 fucking marry. 1543 01:07:24,344 --> 01:07:26,313 I'm just thinking that... 1544 01:07:26,346 --> 01:07:28,148 Well, I'm just thinking about my mental state 1545 01:07:28,181 --> 01:07:29,216 right now, you know, 1546 01:07:29,249 --> 01:07:30,494 because I've got a lot of anger, 1547 01:07:30,518 --> 01:07:32,119 just a lot of hate and... 1548 01:07:32,152 --> 01:07:33,555 No, because it's a timing... 1549 01:07:33,588 --> 01:07:35,557 No, absolutely, I totally understand. 1550 01:07:35,590 --> 01:07:38,258 - But if we were to... - Don't worry about it. 1551 01:07:38,292 --> 01:07:40,227 If we were to forget that... 1552 01:07:40,795 --> 01:07:42,496 If we were to do it... 1553 01:07:45,332 --> 01:07:46,868 we would have to do it 1554 01:07:46,901 --> 01:07:49,303 under the banners of the auspices of... 1555 01:07:49,336 --> 01:07:51,271 of rigorous honesty. 1556 01:07:52,372 --> 01:07:53,741 Absolutely. 1557 01:07:53,775 --> 01:07:55,175 What does that mean? 1558 01:07:56,811 --> 01:07:58,111 Okay. 1559 01:07:59,212 --> 01:08:00,582 Right. 1560 01:08:03,150 --> 01:08:04,351 It was me. 1561 01:08:07,154 --> 01:08:08,288 The mushrooms. 1562 01:08:11,793 --> 01:08:14,461 I picked those mushrooms and I think... 1563 01:08:14,494 --> 01:08:16,396 I think I know I picked them. And... 1564 01:08:17,899 --> 01:08:20,768 I knew what I was doing, and I did it to hurt you. 1565 01:08:23,203 --> 01:08:25,640 And then I stayed with you because you were poisoned. 1566 01:08:27,174 --> 01:08:28,610 And then Arthur came along, and... 1567 01:08:29,677 --> 01:08:32,412 You know, then we were just stuck... 1568 01:08:33,815 --> 01:08:35,215 together. 1569 01:08:46,828 --> 01:08:48,295 I know. 1570 01:08:50,497 --> 01:08:51,498 What? 1571 01:08:54,769 --> 01:08:55,870 I know. 1572 01:08:58,673 --> 01:09:00,273 You know I picked the mushrooms? 1573 01:09:00,307 --> 01:09:01,676 No. 1574 01:09:01,709 --> 01:09:04,344 I know you think you picked the mushrooms, 1575 01:09:04,378 --> 01:09:06,714 but you didn't pick the mushrooms 1576 01:09:06,748 --> 01:09:08,716 because I picked the mushrooms. 1577 01:09:15,255 --> 01:09:18,458 You were being such a dick, 1578 01:09:18,492 --> 01:09:21,294 and I saw the mushrooms and I thought, 1579 01:09:21,328 --> 01:09:23,898 "Oh, I wonder what that would be like" 1580 01:09:23,931 --> 01:09:25,700 "to stick that in her fricassee" 1581 01:09:25,733 --> 01:09:28,335 "and watch her fucking..." 1582 01:09:28,368 --> 01:09:30,170 You know the rest, you've said it before. 1583 01:09:30,838 --> 01:09:32,540 But you ate them. 1584 01:09:33,808 --> 01:09:35,877 Yeah, I forgot that I picked them. 1585 01:09:37,779 --> 01:09:39,212 Okay. 1586 01:09:40,782 --> 01:09:43,450 - You were gonna poison me? - Yeah. 1587 01:09:44,886 --> 01:09:46,386 You were gonna poison me. 1588 01:09:46,420 --> 01:09:48,956 No, I was just fantasizing about poisoning you. 1589 01:09:48,990 --> 01:09:49,857 What's the difference? 1590 01:09:49,891 --> 01:09:52,492 The difference is the fucking poisoning! 1591 01:09:52,527 --> 01:09:54,562 It was me that got poisoned. 1592 01:09:54,595 --> 01:09:56,564 And let's stop calling it poisoning, okay? 1593 01:09:56,597 --> 01:09:57,675 I mean, it doesn't kill you, 1594 01:09:57,699 --> 01:10:01,268 it just hurts you badly, a bit. 1595 01:10:01,301 --> 01:10:04,839 So you wanted to hurt me? You wanted to hurt me badly? 1596 01:10:06,473 --> 01:10:07,642 Yeah. 1597 01:10:10,545 --> 01:10:11,546 Why? 1598 01:10:14,414 --> 01:10:15,883 Why do you think? 1599 01:10:18,986 --> 01:10:22,322 You walk around, giving it, "I'm such a good person." 1600 01:10:23,958 --> 01:10:24,926 "Look what a good person I am," 1601 01:10:24,959 --> 01:10:26,861 "look what I do for my fellow human being." 1602 01:10:26,894 --> 01:10:31,632 But you are horrible to me every day. 1603 01:10:33,333 --> 01:10:35,670 You are exactly the same to me. 1604 01:10:35,703 --> 01:10:38,438 But I never despise you. 1605 01:10:38,472 --> 01:10:41,909 I fucking hate you sometimes, but I never despise you. 1606 01:10:42,610 --> 01:10:44,377 That's not fair. 1607 01:10:44,411 --> 01:10:46,013 What's fair? 1608 01:10:46,047 --> 01:10:48,516 You said "honesty," you said that. 1609 01:10:49,717 --> 01:10:52,954 You look down your nose at me, you always have. 1610 01:10:54,021 --> 01:10:56,456 You are not a good person. 1611 01:10:56,490 --> 01:11:00,494 You just need to read as a good person. 1612 01:11:00,528 --> 01:11:01,863 See, the reason that you thought 1613 01:11:01,896 --> 01:11:04,364 that you had poisoned me for all those years 1614 01:11:04,397 --> 01:11:06,534 is because you are actually capable 1615 01:11:06,567 --> 01:11:09,503 of doing that to me and more. 1616 01:11:09,537 --> 01:11:12,339 At least I know when I'm being a piece of shit, but you, 1617 01:11:12,372 --> 01:11:14,041 you're just a fucking shitty person 1618 01:11:14,075 --> 01:11:15,877 that can't smell their own fucking stink! 1619 01:11:21,582 --> 01:11:23,985 Look, right... 1620 01:11:25,620 --> 01:11:26,830 I think I went a bit far there, 1621 01:11:26,854 --> 01:11:29,791 but the thing to hold on to is that... 1622 01:11:29,824 --> 01:11:32,425 that was actually a proposal of marriage. 1623 01:11:32,459 --> 01:11:33,861 Right? 1624 01:12:30,518 --> 01:12:31,986 Do you remember Nathan? 1625 01:12:33,120 --> 01:12:35,857 New Forest fudge weirdo Nathan? 1626 01:12:37,424 --> 01:12:40,828 Well, Nathan is really good at getting other people 1627 01:12:40,862 --> 01:12:43,731 to do things for him, hence the fudge. 1628 01:12:43,764 --> 01:12:45,867 And what he's doing now 1629 01:12:45,900 --> 01:12:48,603 is he's getting people vaccinated, right, 1630 01:12:48,636 --> 01:12:49,837 when it's not yet their turn. 1631 01:12:51,038 --> 01:12:53,574 What he'll do is he'll take you down there, 1632 01:12:53,608 --> 01:12:54,876 just before close, 1633 01:12:54,909 --> 01:12:56,110 and he'll ask that 1634 01:12:56,143 --> 01:12:57,945 when they've got a couple of vaccines left, 1635 01:12:57,979 --> 01:12:59,580 instead of throwing them in the bin, 1636 01:12:59,614 --> 01:13:01,616 would they give them to you instead, please. 1637 01:13:01,649 --> 01:13:04,819 He's invariably told "no" in very strong terms. 1638 01:13:04,852 --> 01:13:05,953 And, by the way, 1639 01:13:05,987 --> 01:13:08,421 he is not the only guy down there doing this, right, 1640 01:13:08,455 --> 01:13:10,067 there's a whole bunch of those guys down there 1641 01:13:10,091 --> 01:13:12,660 usually trying to get vaccinated before their go. 1642 01:13:12,693 --> 01:13:15,930 But, Nathan, right, Nathan's got a secret weapon. 1643 01:13:15,963 --> 01:13:20,167 See, he knows that like a minute before close 1644 01:13:20,201 --> 01:13:22,703 and they've got a couple of vaccines left... 1645 01:13:22,737 --> 01:13:24,171 I mean, what healthcare professional 1646 01:13:24,205 --> 01:13:25,373 wants to bin those. 1647 01:13:25,405 --> 01:13:28,509 They're gonna come out and they're gonna give them away, 1648 01:13:28,542 --> 01:13:30,511 but when they see, like, I don't know, 1649 01:13:30,544 --> 01:13:33,881 10 of you sitting there waiting for two vaccines, 1650 01:13:33,915 --> 01:13:35,225 they're probably gonna ask something 1651 01:13:35,249 --> 01:13:36,684 along the lines of, 1652 01:13:36,717 --> 01:13:39,820 "Do any of you work with the vulnerable?" 1653 01:13:39,854 --> 01:13:41,188 A second will go by 1654 01:13:41,222 --> 01:13:42,455 and nobody will say anything 1655 01:13:42,489 --> 01:13:43,533 because none of these arseholes 1656 01:13:43,557 --> 01:13:44,692 actually do, do they? 1657 01:13:44,725 --> 01:13:47,161 I mean, the real carers are all getting it elsewhere. 1658 01:13:47,194 --> 01:13:51,532 And another second goes by, and 10 minds start to race. 1659 01:13:51,565 --> 01:13:53,668 Then a third second goes by, 1660 01:13:53,701 --> 01:13:55,603 and the smarter and, admittedly, 1661 01:13:55,636 --> 01:13:56,847 more venally shitty amongst the group 1662 01:13:56,871 --> 01:13:59,774 start to realize that they're only one dastardly lie away 1663 01:13:59,807 --> 01:14:00,875 from getting vaccinated. 1664 01:14:00,908 --> 01:14:03,244 See, by the time the fourth second comes and goes, 1665 01:14:03,277 --> 01:14:05,188 there's all these hands jumping up in the air going, 1666 01:14:05,212 --> 01:14:07,181 "I'm shite-icus," "No, I'm shite-icus." 1667 01:14:07,214 --> 01:14:08,115 "No, I'm shite-icus." 1668 01:14:08,149 --> 01:14:11,052 Anyway, that's what Nathan does, right. 1669 01:14:11,085 --> 01:14:12,620 He tells you this. 1670 01:14:12,653 --> 01:14:14,255 He says, "Second they ask that question", 1671 01:14:14,288 --> 01:14:15,856 "you shoot your hand in the air," 1672 01:14:15,890 --> 01:14:17,490 "you tell your dastardly lie," 1673 01:14:17,525 --> 01:14:18,565 "you walk in the building" 1674 01:14:18,592 --> 01:14:20,493 "and you get what you came for." 1675 01:14:20,528 --> 01:14:22,462 It is not illegal, 1676 01:14:23,664 --> 01:14:26,901 but it's murky as fuck. And... 1677 01:14:26,934 --> 01:14:29,003 See, when I find out that she... 1678 01:14:30,604 --> 01:14:32,807 is talking to Nathan... 1679 01:14:36,577 --> 01:14:38,746 Things between us have been 1680 01:14:38,779 --> 01:14:41,649 not good since the mushroom admission. 1681 01:14:43,184 --> 01:14:45,686 Fuck me, this whole month she's... 1682 01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:48,589 So her job, right, her job... 1683 01:14:48,622 --> 01:14:50,691 She's always giving it the extra hours. 1684 01:14:50,725 --> 01:14:51,868 And I'm always saying to her, 1685 01:14:51,892 --> 01:14:55,529 "Oh, you need to get paid for that, it's not a charity." 1686 01:14:55,563 --> 01:14:57,565 Which is funny, because it is a charity. 1687 01:14:57,598 --> 01:15:00,234 And she's usually in there till like 1688 01:15:00,267 --> 01:15:03,070 seven, eight, nine o'clock at night, whenever. 1689 01:15:03,104 --> 01:15:05,706 But see now, five o'clock comes, 1690 01:15:05,740 --> 01:15:07,041 boom, she'll end the Zoom. 1691 01:15:07,074 --> 01:15:09,543 It could be middle of a meeting, 1692 01:15:09,577 --> 01:15:10,644 boom, ends the Zoom. 1693 01:15:10,678 --> 01:15:14,582 Middle of a sentence, boom, ends the Zoom, right. 1694 01:15:14,615 --> 01:15:16,650 She won't return her sister's calls. 1695 01:15:16,684 --> 01:15:18,285 See, when I asked her why, she goes, 1696 01:15:18,319 --> 01:15:20,254 "I have got no intention of wasting" 1697 01:15:20,287 --> 01:15:22,223 "any more of my life on other people." 1698 01:15:23,290 --> 01:15:25,259 She won't even fight with me. 1699 01:15:25,292 --> 01:15:27,561 She just fucking walks out the room. 1700 01:15:27,595 --> 01:15:30,031 I mean, the only person 1701 01:15:30,064 --> 01:15:31,832 she's got any time for is little Artie. 1702 01:15:31,866 --> 01:15:33,334 And even then, 1703 01:15:33,367 --> 01:15:35,970 I sometimes catch her looking at him 1704 01:15:36,003 --> 01:15:38,243 when she's playing with him, and I know she's thinking... 1705 01:15:39,240 --> 01:15:41,208 "All those years..." you know. 1706 01:15:44,078 --> 01:15:45,813 You going up the stairs, pal? 1707 01:15:48,716 --> 01:15:51,318 Doing funny things to me, all this, you know. 1708 01:15:51,352 --> 01:15:54,155 That and the collapse of my company. 1709 01:15:54,188 --> 01:15:56,924 I used to think, you know, you lose your job, 1710 01:15:58,059 --> 01:15:59,794 you bounce back. 1711 01:15:59,827 --> 01:16:02,930 You fall down, you get back up again, you know. 1712 01:16:02,963 --> 01:16:09,170 But I can't seem to get up, you know what I mean? 1713 01:16:11,872 --> 01:16:14,041 I'm biting my fingernails. 1714 01:16:15,142 --> 01:16:17,211 I can't stop ordering fruit online. 1715 01:16:18,646 --> 01:16:20,848 I cried in the bath yesterday. 1716 01:16:22,183 --> 01:16:23,784 The bath. 1717 01:16:23,818 --> 01:16:26,854 I mean, I never cry, but the bath? 1718 01:16:26,887 --> 01:16:29,657 It's fucking pathetic. So... 1719 01:16:29,690 --> 01:16:31,959 it's safe to say, that I am... 1720 01:16:33,294 --> 01:16:36,030 bit of a mess over here right now, you know. 1721 01:16:37,865 --> 01:16:41,135 She's off getting the old, you know what, with Nathan 1722 01:16:41,168 --> 01:16:42,937 and I thought, 1723 01:16:42,970 --> 01:16:44,972 "I'll take my mind off it, I'll keep myself busy." 1724 01:16:45,005 --> 01:16:48,042 So I'm doing the katsu curry aubergine tonight. 1725 01:16:48,075 --> 01:16:49,643 I got all the ingredients. 1726 01:16:49,677 --> 01:16:52,880 Got them down the same Tesco local as before. 1727 01:16:52,913 --> 01:16:54,648 You know, I don't think I've been in there 1728 01:16:54,682 --> 01:16:56,984 since before the first lockdown. 1729 01:16:57,017 --> 01:16:59,153 It's so different in there now, though. 1730 01:16:59,186 --> 01:17:02,823 You know, all the hand sanitizer, face masks. 1731 01:17:02,857 --> 01:17:05,059 The last time I was in there, it was picked clean. 1732 01:17:05,092 --> 01:17:08,028 It was like a 7-Eleven in a disaster movie. 1733 01:17:08,062 --> 01:17:11,365 But now, it's just brimming with produce and... 1734 01:17:11,398 --> 01:17:14,235 Just like everything is just dandy. 1735 01:17:14,268 --> 01:17:17,671 And the punters are walking about 1736 01:17:17,705 --> 01:17:19,340 like they don't give a shit. 1737 01:17:19,373 --> 01:17:21,008 And there's this one guy, right, 1738 01:17:21,041 --> 01:17:23,144 my God, this fucking guy. 1739 01:17:24,111 --> 01:17:26,213 Late 20s, right, 1740 01:17:26,247 --> 01:17:29,383 jogging gear, earphones in, 1741 01:17:29,416 --> 01:17:33,254 shopping in a basket, no mask, like, at all. 1742 01:17:33,287 --> 01:17:36,824 And I'm looking around and nobody's stopping him. 1743 01:17:36,857 --> 01:17:38,926 I'm, like... This guy, he just, 1744 01:17:38,959 --> 01:17:42,263 he does not give a fuck, right. 1745 01:17:42,296 --> 01:17:44,932 So, anyway, he's in baked goods, 1746 01:17:44,965 --> 01:17:47,134 right, and he's standing 1747 01:17:47,168 --> 01:17:48,903 with all the bread in front of him, 1748 01:17:48,936 --> 01:17:50,905 and there's a woman below him, 1749 01:17:50,938 --> 01:17:52,106 she's got the uniform on 1750 01:17:52,139 --> 01:17:53,250 and she's stacking pita bread, 1751 01:17:53,274 --> 01:17:56,777 and he's over her like this, right, like, like that. 1752 01:17:56,810 --> 01:17:58,088 And I'm looking at him, I'm going, 1753 01:17:58,112 --> 01:17:59,980 "You are too close to her, pal." 1754 01:18:00,014 --> 01:18:01,191 "What the fuck is wrong with you?" 1755 01:18:01,215 --> 01:18:02,249 "Do you not get this?" 1756 01:18:02,283 --> 01:18:03,494 Because she's not got any choice, 1757 01:18:03,518 --> 01:18:04,752 but to be there, does she? 1758 01:18:04,785 --> 01:18:06,854 And this guy, he goes... 1759 01:18:06,887 --> 01:18:11,058 Like, he decides, "I am gonna have a walnut loaf bloomer." 1760 01:18:11,091 --> 01:18:12,469 I mean, he needs to get it, doesn't he? 1761 01:18:12,493 --> 01:18:15,296 He's probably gonna fucking die if he doesn't get it. 1762 01:18:15,329 --> 01:18:20,034 So he does this. He leans in. Like, he leans in, like... 1763 01:18:20,067 --> 01:18:21,835 Like that, like... 1764 01:18:21,869 --> 01:18:24,071 Fuck's sake. Like that, like, close to her 1765 01:18:24,104 --> 01:18:26,006 and she's, like, here, right, going, 1766 01:18:26,040 --> 01:18:28,175 "Oh, my God, what is this? What is this?" 1767 01:18:28,209 --> 01:18:30,044 She can feel it 1768 01:18:30,077 --> 01:18:33,147 because this is close for normal times, right, 1769 01:18:33,180 --> 01:18:35,049 I mean, like, borderline inappropriate, 1770 01:18:35,082 --> 01:18:38,485 but these days, with no mask, I mean... 1771 01:18:38,520 --> 01:18:40,487 Fuck me. So this guy, right, 1772 01:18:40,522 --> 01:18:42,756 he goes, "Hmm." He goes... 1773 01:18:42,790 --> 01:18:46,126 Reaches in... Face, like, there, right. 1774 01:18:46,160 --> 01:18:48,896 Pulls out his walnut loaf bloomer, 1775 01:18:48,929 --> 01:18:52,132 gives it a squeeze, actually. "No, not that one." 1776 01:18:52,166 --> 01:18:54,435 He puts it back, reaches in for another. 1777 01:18:54,468 --> 01:18:56,971 She's there, breathing. Brings it out... 1778 01:18:58,305 --> 01:18:59,773 "Oh, yes, lovely." 1779 01:18:59,807 --> 01:19:02,843 And he jogs on. And I am fucking, like... 1780 01:19:02,876 --> 01:19:07,114 I'm fucking fuming, right, I mean, I'm raging, boiling. 1781 01:19:07,147 --> 01:19:08,249 I'm so full of this stuff 1782 01:19:08,282 --> 01:19:10,417 that I find myself in front of this woman, right... 1783 01:19:10,451 --> 01:19:12,786 'Cause I've gotta say something to this woman. 1784 01:19:12,820 --> 01:19:14,421 And it's her. 1785 01:19:16,824 --> 01:19:20,894 The woman I shouted at. It's the woman I humiliated. 1786 01:19:20,928 --> 01:19:23,130 She's got her mask on, but I can tell it's her. 1787 01:19:23,163 --> 01:19:26,000 And she knows it's me, right. 1788 01:19:26,033 --> 01:19:28,902 And she just goes, "Can I help you, sir?" 1789 01:19:31,438 --> 01:19:33,107 And I've got nothing... 1790 01:19:38,078 --> 01:19:39,880 until finally... 1791 01:19:42,249 --> 01:19:43,518 "I'm sorry." 1792 01:19:45,019 --> 01:19:47,388 "I'm so sorry." 1793 01:19:47,421 --> 01:19:49,557 She goes, "What are you sorry for, sir?" 1794 01:19:51,025 --> 01:19:53,193 And I can't say 'cause... 1795 01:19:53,227 --> 01:19:55,563 'cause I just fucking can't, can I? 1796 01:19:55,597 --> 01:20:00,801 So instead I go, "Thank you for this." 1797 01:20:01,569 --> 01:20:03,304 "For everything." 1798 01:20:03,337 --> 01:20:05,573 "For all you do, for keeping us all going." 1799 01:20:07,041 --> 01:20:10,077 "For the risks you take, and for what you are." 1800 01:20:10,110 --> 01:20:11,378 She goes, "What am I, sir?" 1801 01:20:12,547 --> 01:20:14,882 And I go, 1802 01:20:14,915 --> 01:20:18,586 "You're a hero. You are a hero." 1803 01:20:18,620 --> 01:20:19,863 And she goes, "I'm just somebody" 1804 01:20:19,887 --> 01:20:21,922 "that needs a job, sir." 1805 01:20:21,955 --> 01:20:24,358 And by this point, I'm kind of crying, right, 1806 01:20:24,391 --> 01:20:28,329 I mean, not actually, but inside. 1807 01:20:28,362 --> 01:20:31,098 And I wanna give this woman something, so I say... 1808 01:20:32,933 --> 01:20:35,269 "It's gonna be different." 1809 01:20:35,302 --> 01:20:37,204 She goes, "What will be different?" 1810 01:20:37,237 --> 01:20:39,607 And I say, "The world." 1811 01:20:39,641 --> 01:20:43,110 "People like you, you're gonna be valued. 1812 01:20:43,143 --> 01:20:45,479 "We won't go back to the way it was," 1813 01:20:45,513 --> 01:20:46,980 "valuing the wrong things," 1814 01:20:47,014 --> 01:20:51,653 "like CEOs, or magazines, or brand influencers," 1815 01:20:51,686 --> 01:20:53,153 "people whose jobs aren't important." 1816 01:20:53,187 --> 01:20:55,456 She goes, "People like you, you mean?" 1817 01:20:58,392 --> 01:21:00,528 "Yeah. Yeah, people like me." 1818 01:21:03,097 --> 01:21:04,632 "It's gonna change." 1819 01:21:06,266 --> 01:21:08,302 "We'll remember." 1820 01:21:08,335 --> 01:21:11,639 She goes, "No, you won't. You'll forget." 1821 01:21:11,673 --> 01:21:13,073 "And the world isn't gonna change." 1822 01:21:15,677 --> 01:21:18,912 And I don't say anything because 1823 01:21:18,946 --> 01:21:20,314 I think she might be right. 1824 01:21:22,416 --> 01:21:24,218 I know she's right. 1825 01:21:26,253 --> 01:21:29,323 She goes, "Can I help you with anything else, sir?" 1826 01:21:31,158 --> 01:21:33,862 And I want to say something that matters. 1827 01:21:36,598 --> 01:21:39,534 I wanna say the one thing in my life that matters 1828 01:21:39,567 --> 01:21:42,936 and I wanna say it to her, right now, 1829 01:21:42,970 --> 01:21:45,439 but the only thing in my life that matters has gone. 1830 01:21:48,610 --> 01:21:50,678 So I just shake my head, you know what I mean. 1831 01:21:50,712 --> 01:21:53,147 And she goes back to stocking pita bread 1832 01:21:53,180 --> 01:21:54,948 and quietly saving all our lives 1833 01:21:54,982 --> 01:21:56,684 for just above minimum wage. 1834 01:21:56,718 --> 01:21:58,419 And... 1835 01:22:13,535 --> 01:22:14,636 I'm not a shitty person. 1836 01:22:16,136 --> 01:22:18,372 I know. I was just reacting 1837 01:22:18,405 --> 01:22:20,441 - when I said that. - All the time. 1838 01:22:20,474 --> 01:22:23,277 I'm not a shitty person all the time. 1839 01:22:25,012 --> 01:22:26,280 But I am sometimes. 1840 01:22:28,048 --> 01:22:30,618 And you are not a good person. 1841 01:22:32,052 --> 01:22:34,054 Well, most of the time, 1842 01:22:35,122 --> 01:22:37,625 very much, really, at all. 1843 01:22:37,659 --> 01:22:39,527 But you are sometimes. 1844 01:22:39,561 --> 01:22:41,629 Thank you, I suppose. 1845 01:22:53,140 --> 01:22:55,008 I... I need to make, erm... 1846 01:22:56,276 --> 01:22:57,488 I've been thinking about this a lot 1847 01:22:57,512 --> 01:22:59,213 and I need to make a... 1848 01:23:01,181 --> 01:23:03,718 People are... are like, "When we get back to normal," 1849 01:23:03,751 --> 01:23:05,061 "'When it all gets back to normal." 1850 01:23:05,085 --> 01:23:06,119 "It'll soon be normal." 1851 01:23:06,153 --> 01:23:09,122 I don't wanna go back to normal. I really don't. 1852 01:23:09,156 --> 01:23:12,192 I mean, what is so great about the way things were? 1853 01:23:12,226 --> 01:23:15,262 Just at each other's throats. We were just... 1854 01:23:15,295 --> 01:23:17,397 Everyone just at each other's throats 1855 01:23:17,431 --> 01:23:19,433 over the slightest thing, all the time. 1856 01:23:19,466 --> 01:23:22,436 And I need to make 1857 01:23:23,403 --> 01:23:25,673 a really drastic change. 1858 01:23:26,641 --> 01:23:28,108 Do you understand? 1859 01:23:28,843 --> 01:23:30,043 Yeah. 1860 01:23:31,345 --> 01:23:33,681 Yeah, I think I do. 1861 01:23:34,649 --> 01:23:37,217 I just want a new life. 1862 01:23:37,251 --> 01:23:40,588 You know, I can't go back to the old one, I really can't. 1863 01:23:40,622 --> 01:23:43,791 And to do that, I need to make a drastic... 1864 01:23:43,825 --> 01:23:46,226 No, no, no. Look, it's fine. It's absolutely fine. 1865 01:23:46,260 --> 01:23:48,295 I completely understand. 100%. 1866 01:23:49,764 --> 01:23:51,633 - Are you crying? - I'm not crying. 1867 01:23:51,666 --> 01:23:53,601 I'm not fucking crying, okay! 1868 01:23:53,635 --> 01:23:56,604 - That's crying. Why are you... - No, I'm not... 1869 01:23:56,638 --> 01:23:59,641 Why do you think? Right, I'm broken up! 1870 01:23:59,674 --> 01:24:01,609 'Course I'm gonna fucking cry. 1871 01:24:01,643 --> 01:24:03,310 This, what we're doing, 1872 01:24:03,343 --> 01:24:05,245 doesn't mean nothing to me, okay? 1873 01:24:05,279 --> 01:24:06,814 And I get it, I really do. I get it. 1874 01:24:06,848 --> 01:24:08,850 Maybe this is the smartest thing we've ever done 1875 01:24:08,883 --> 01:24:11,786 and we should have done it years ago, but I'm not some 1876 01:24:11,819 --> 01:24:13,186 frozen-hearted ice queen 1877 01:24:13,220 --> 01:24:14,364 with a heart of rotten granite, am I? 1878 01:24:14,388 --> 01:24:16,189 Why have you got Arthur's jacket on? 1879 01:24:16,223 --> 01:24:17,625 Fuck's sake! 1880 01:24:19,159 --> 01:24:21,461 Look, let's... 1881 01:24:21,495 --> 01:24:24,431 Let's split up. Okay, let's do it, 1882 01:24:24,464 --> 01:24:27,835 but it really hurts me. 1883 01:24:27,869 --> 01:24:29,704 And I'm gonna fucking cry 1884 01:24:30,638 --> 01:24:33,240 and you're gonna fucking watch. 1885 01:24:37,912 --> 01:24:39,212 We're not splitting up. 1886 01:24:40,682 --> 01:24:41,716 What? 1887 01:24:41,749 --> 01:24:43,250 We're not splitting up. 1888 01:24:43,283 --> 01:24:44,394 Why do you think we're splitting up? 1889 01:24:44,418 --> 01:24:45,461 You just said that we were... 1890 01:24:45,485 --> 01:24:47,487 I did not say we're splitting up. 1891 01:24:47,522 --> 01:24:48,623 What did you say, then? 1892 01:24:48,656 --> 01:24:52,125 I said, "Let's not get married." I... 1893 01:24:52,159 --> 01:24:54,729 - No, you didn't. - That's all I said. 1894 01:24:54,762 --> 01:24:57,532 I did say, "Let's not get married." 1895 01:24:57,565 --> 01:24:58,600 - I... - No, you didn't. 1896 01:24:58,633 --> 01:25:00,300 You never said the word "marriage." 1897 01:25:00,334 --> 01:25:02,254 The word "marriage" never came out of your mouth. 1898 01:25:04,304 --> 01:25:06,741 Didn't I? 1899 01:25:06,774 --> 01:25:08,843 - That's what I meant. - That's what you meant? 1900 01:25:08,876 --> 01:25:11,178 I meant let's not get... 1901 01:25:11,211 --> 01:25:13,648 I meant "let's not get married, let's not..." 1902 01:25:13,681 --> 01:25:15,883 I didn't mean, not, "let's not be together." 1903 01:25:17,250 --> 01:25:18,820 I meant "let's not get married." 1904 01:25:18,853 --> 01:25:21,288 I mean, what the fuck were you thinking anyway? 1905 01:25:21,321 --> 01:25:23,361 What's going through your head? Were you watching... 1906 01:25:24,491 --> 01:25:27,494 watching fucking Bridgerton or something? I just... 1907 01:25:27,528 --> 01:25:31,532 I'm saying... I am saying, "let's be together." 1908 01:25:32,432 --> 01:25:34,769 Okay? But just in a nice way! 1909 01:25:37,237 --> 01:25:39,172 If we possibly can. 1910 01:25:44,946 --> 01:25:49,416 Everyone's really angry at each other all the time, 1911 01:25:49,449 --> 01:25:51,451 but we're all the same. 1912 01:25:51,485 --> 01:25:53,286 We're all wearing the same clothes, 1913 01:25:53,320 --> 01:25:54,589 we're eating the same food, 1914 01:25:54,622 --> 01:25:56,456 we're listening to the same music, 1915 01:25:56,490 --> 01:25:58,693 we're drinking the same stupid drinks, 1916 01:25:58,726 --> 01:26:00,494 we're watching the same programs. 1917 01:26:00,528 --> 01:26:02,930 Just the entire human race 1918 01:26:02,964 --> 01:26:05,432 is, like, running towards each other 1919 01:26:05,465 --> 01:26:06,510 at the speed of light, shouting, 1920 01:26:06,534 --> 01:26:08,402 "Get the fuck away from me." And I... 1921 01:26:08,435 --> 01:26:10,370 I can't do that anymore. 1922 01:26:10,404 --> 01:26:12,573 I'm not, not after all this. 1923 01:26:12,607 --> 01:26:14,676 Hey, pal. How you doing? You all right? 1924 01:26:14,709 --> 01:26:16,978 Good wee boy. You gonna go play? You go play. 1925 01:26:17,011 --> 01:26:18,880 I'll get dinner ready. Ten minutes, all right? 1926 01:26:18,913 --> 01:26:20,724 Katsu curry aubergine, just the way you like it. 1927 01:26:20,748 --> 01:26:22,784 I actually found a wee marinade online. 1928 01:26:22,817 --> 01:26:24,384 I don't like aubergine. 1929 01:26:26,319 --> 01:26:27,755 - What? - What? 1930 01:26:27,789 --> 01:26:29,524 I don't like aubergine. 1931 01:26:31,926 --> 01:26:34,461 Fantastic. Fantastic. 1932 01:26:34,494 --> 01:26:36,664 I will just chuck that in the bin. 1933 01:26:37,732 --> 01:26:38,733 Aah! 1934 01:26:39,567 --> 01:26:40,601 Fuck's sake. 1935 01:26:41,703 --> 01:26:43,638 Goodbye, aubergine. 1936 01:26:43,671 --> 01:26:45,405 Hello, fish and chips. 1937 01:26:47,307 --> 01:26:49,376 There's a dead parakeet in the garden. 1938 01:26:49,409 --> 01:26:51,411 - There's a dead parakeet? - Yeah. 1939 01:26:51,445 --> 01:26:53,447 - In our garden? - Yeah. 1940 01:26:53,480 --> 01:26:55,683 Are you sure it's a parakeet? 1941 01:26:55,717 --> 01:26:57,885 I don't think you get parakeets round here. 1942 01:26:57,919 --> 01:27:00,955 - Can I bring it in? - No. No. No, pal. 1943 01:27:00,988 --> 01:27:04,324 Maybe just best to leave it outside, eh? 1944 01:27:04,357 --> 01:27:06,493 - I'll just watch it decompose. - Yes. 1945 01:27:06,527 --> 01:27:08,730 Or you can chuck it in the bushes, 1946 01:27:08,763 --> 01:27:11,032 let the foxes eat it. 1947 01:27:11,065 --> 01:27:12,934 - That's good, too. - Mm. 1948 01:27:18,472 --> 01:27:21,509 - Are you two all right? - Yes. 1949 01:27:21,542 --> 01:27:23,678 Yeah. Yeah, we're great. 1950 01:27:23,711 --> 01:27:25,479 - Yeah. - We're really great. 1951 01:27:27,347 --> 01:27:28,783 Hey. 1952 01:27:38,726 --> 01:27:40,828 Here, why don't you go and play outside, pal? 1953 01:27:40,862 --> 01:27:42,697 Only be two secs, okay? 1954 01:27:44,498 --> 01:27:46,433 I don't despise you. 1955 01:27:48,069 --> 01:27:50,638 That's a terrible thing to say. 1956 01:27:57,645 --> 01:27:58,980 I didn't get the vaccine. 1957 01:28:00,882 --> 01:28:02,917 - Wait, what? - No. 1958 01:28:02,950 --> 01:28:07,387 Well, how... Okay. Okay. 1959 01:28:07,420 --> 01:28:11,692 And it was because of your stupid, moping face. 1960 01:28:11,726 --> 01:28:14,896 You've been moping for weeks since you found out. I mean... 1961 01:28:15,863 --> 01:28:18,533 Who the fuck are you to judge me? 1962 01:28:18,566 --> 01:28:19,834 You! 1963 01:28:22,469 --> 01:28:26,607 I was there with Nathan, and I was ready and... 1964 01:28:28,009 --> 01:28:29,677 A bloke comes out and says, 1965 01:28:29,710 --> 01:28:32,412 "Is anyone here a carer for the vulnerable?" And... 1966 01:28:33,514 --> 01:28:35,382 your stupid, mopey face 1967 01:28:35,415 --> 01:28:38,052 just came into my head, and I walked away. 1968 01:28:40,688 --> 01:28:42,890 I walked away because I was worrying 1969 01:28:42,924 --> 01:28:45,325 about what you would think of me. 1970 01:28:46,828 --> 01:28:47,995 Because of me? 1971 01:28:49,597 --> 01:28:51,999 What I feel for you, it's... 1972 01:28:53,100 --> 01:28:55,903 It's so weird. 1973 01:28:55,937 --> 01:28:58,840 And it's infuriating and irritating 1974 01:28:58,873 --> 01:29:00,942 and really depressing sometimes, 1975 01:29:00,975 --> 01:29:02,009 but it is a sort of love. 1976 01:29:02,043 --> 01:29:06,479 Are you trying to say you love me? 1977 01:29:06,514 --> 01:29:10,017 No, I'm trying to say I sort of love you. 1978 01:29:12,653 --> 01:29:15,388 And I'm just asking you, is that enough? 1979 01:29:41,148 --> 01:29:43,751 Do you wanna go and see a dead parakeet with me? 1980 01:29:49,891 --> 01:29:51,058 Yeah. 1981 01:29:52,994 --> 01:29:55,395 Yeah, I think I do, actually.