1 00:00:01,966 --> 00:00:05,566 BLACKADDER "The Cavalier Years" 2 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,556 - Baldrick! - Yes, sir? 3 00:00:36,287 --> 00:00:38,881 Get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing. 4 00:00:39,047 --> 00:00:40,196 How's the King, sir? 5 00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:43,086 About as comfortable as can be expected... 6 00:00:43,247 --> 00:00:46,523 ...for a man who's spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush. 7 00:00:48,127 --> 00:00:49,958 Do you think the Roundheads will find him? 8 00:00:50,127 --> 00:00:53,244 Certainly not. I've assured him that he's as likely to be caught... 9 00:00:53,407 --> 00:00:58,037 ...as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises. 10 00:00:59,247 --> 00:01:00,566 Is that true? 11 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,046 Yes, of course it's true. 12 00:01:02,207 --> 00:01:03,640 Have you ever known me to lie to the King? 13 00:01:03,807 --> 00:01:04,796 Yes. 14 00:01:06,647 --> 00:01:08,365 - No. - Exactly. 15 00:01:09,287 --> 00:01:13,246 He's absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut. 16 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,681 You can trust me, sir. 17 00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:19,675 Right, Baldrick, I'm off to answer the call of nature. 18 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:24,125 If, by any freak chance, Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk... 19 00:01:24,287 --> 00:01:26,721 ...in the next 90 seconds, remember: 20 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:30,880 - "The King is not hiding here." - Yes, sir. 21 00:01:33,047 --> 00:01:34,605 22 00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:37,718 Good evening, citizen. 23 00:01:38,607 --> 00:01:40,404 I am Oliver Cromwell. 24 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:45,357 My men have surrounded your house, and I'm looking for royalist scum. 25 00:01:45,927 --> 00:01:47,883 Is the King hiding here? 26 00:01:59,647 --> 00:02:00,762 No. 27 00:02:02,127 --> 00:02:06,757 On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure? 28 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:08,646 Yes, I am. 29 00:02:10,207 --> 00:02:11,606 I see. 30 00:02:11,887 --> 00:02:15,596 Well then, my proud beauty, 31 00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:20,202 you won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you? 32 00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:23,161 Men, come in from the cold, will you? 33 00:02:24,287 --> 00:02:27,279 Now, we'll all have a cup of milk by your fireside. 34 00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:29,961 All right, but don't touch the purple cup. 35 00:02:30,247 --> 00:02:32,283 - Why not? - That's the King's. 36 00:02:40,087 --> 00:02:43,841 Thank you, citizen. You may leave me alone with King Charles. 37 00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:46,800 Mr. Cromwell, how delightful to see you again. 38 00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:50,923 Don't get up. Don't get up. Tell me, have you come far? 39 00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,884 I have, sir. 40 00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,766 From country squire to Lord Protector of England. 41 00:02:56,287 --> 00:02:58,721 Fascinating, absolutely fascinating. 42 00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:03,042 Tell me, what exactly does a lord protector do? 43 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,883 He spells your doom, sir. 44 00:03:06,047 --> 00:03:09,198 He spells my doom? Wonderful! That's particularly exciting... 45 00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:12,086 ...because so many people these days can't spell at all. 46 00:03:12,807 --> 00:03:15,958 Particularly in the inner cities, which is my area of interest. 47 00:03:16,127 --> 00:03:21,042 Speak, sir. But all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold. 48 00:03:21,487 --> 00:03:23,842 Jolly good! Fascinating! Carry on. 49 00:03:24,407 --> 00:03:28,195 A priest, sir. To help you make your peace with God before you die. 50 00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:33,643 - Oh, hello. - Your Majesty, 51 00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:37,197 I've arranged for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape. 52 00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,801 Blackadder! You're dressed as a priest! 53 00:03:39,967 --> 00:03:41,639 How dangerous and stupid... 54 00:03:41,807 --> 00:03:44,367 ...and perverted! It's just like school. 55 00:03:45,127 --> 00:03:47,595 Sire, this is a matter of life and death. 56 00:03:47,807 --> 00:03:50,799 Nonsense, Blackadder. I don't think any jury in England... 57 00:03:50,967 --> 00:03:53,276 ...would bring in a verdict of guilty against me. 58 00:03:53,447 --> 00:03:56,245 Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury. 59 00:03:56,407 --> 00:03:59,797 So, what does it say? Guilty or not guilty? 60 00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,799 I'll give you two guesses. 61 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:04,476 Not guilty. 62 00:04:05,247 --> 00:04:06,521 One more guess. 63 00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:12,685 Oh, damn! 64 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:17,323 One measly civil war in the entire history of England, 65 00:04:17,487 --> 00:04:20,001 and I'm on the wrong bloody side! 66 00:04:21,607 --> 00:04:23,040 Something wrong, sir? 67 00:04:23,207 --> 00:04:27,803 Yes, Baldrick. If the King dies, we royalists are doomed. 68 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,522 We will enter a hideous age of Puritanism. 69 00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:32,359 They'll close all the theatres. 70 00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:35,606 Lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal. 71 00:04:36,407 --> 00:04:38,841 And I won't be able to find a friendly face to sit on... 72 00:04:39,007 --> 00:04:40,406 ...this side of Boulogne. 73 00:04:42,447 --> 00:04:44,563 If they so much as suspect our loyalties, 74 00:04:44,727 --> 00:04:47,446 our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the chop. 75 00:04:47,727 --> 00:04:49,080 Oh, I love chops. 76 00:04:51,487 --> 00:04:54,320 Baldrick, your brain... 77 00:04:54,487 --> 00:04:59,481 ...is like the four-headed man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen. 78 00:05:00,647 --> 00:05:03,445 - In what way? - It doesn't exist. 79 00:05:04,807 --> 00:05:08,880 - Oh, God. What will we do? - Don't despair, something'll pop up. 80 00:05:09,207 --> 00:05:11,562 Not under Puritanism it won't. 81 00:05:12,807 --> 00:05:14,206 We must do something. 82 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:19,646 We must do something, otherwise the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant. 83 00:05:19,927 --> 00:05:20,916 What ant? 84 00:05:23,527 --> 00:05:24,801 That one. 85 00:05:25,527 --> 00:05:29,406 So this is the day of the execution of Charles I. 86 00:05:30,007 --> 00:05:33,920 Absolutely not, Your Majesty. Those Roundhead traitors... 87 00:05:34,087 --> 00:05:37,159 ...have one final hurdle that they will never straddle. 88 00:05:37,527 --> 00:05:39,597 Fascinating. What is that exactly? 89 00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:41,962 They will never find a man to behead you. 90 00:05:42,127 --> 00:05:45,836 They'd have hundreds of volunteers to execute Cromwell, he's so ugly. 91 00:05:46,047 --> 00:05:47,924 He's got so many warts on his face... 92 00:05:48,087 --> 00:05:51,796 ...it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is his nose. 93 00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:55,323 But they'll never find a man to execute you. 94 00:05:55,487 --> 00:05:58,160 Well, I find that absolutely tragic. 95 00:05:58,327 --> 00:06:02,718 There are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this. 96 00:06:03,927 --> 00:06:06,600 All they need is the initiative, somehow. 97 00:06:06,807 --> 00:06:10,356 I suppose, in a sense, that's what my award scheme is all about. 98 00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:11,756 - Really? - Yes. 99 00:06:11,927 --> 00:06:14,919 On the other hand, of course, I don't want my head cut off. 100 00:06:15,327 --> 00:06:19,445 - It's a question of balance, like... - Shut up! With respect Your Majesty. 101 00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:22,642 They'll never find an executioner. And if they do, 102 00:06:22,807 --> 00:06:26,322 may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket. 103 00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,005 A message for the King. 104 00:06:41,847 --> 00:06:44,156 105 00:06:44,327 --> 00:06:46,716 For God's sake, stop that Baldrick! 106 00:06:48,327 --> 00:06:51,319 It's bad enough having one's life in ruins, without being serenaded... 107 00:06:51,487 --> 00:06:55,799 ...by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster. 108 00:06:57,127 --> 00:06:59,083 I'm sorry, sir. I can't help it. 109 00:06:59,247 --> 00:07:01,363 You see, I've just had a little windfall. 110 00:07:01,607 --> 00:07:04,963 Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, go into the garden. 111 00:07:06,087 --> 00:07:08,362 No, I mean I've come into some money. 112 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,798 Really? Family inheritance? 113 00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:13,162 No, I ate that ages ago. 114 00:07:14,007 --> 00:07:17,443 Yes, of course. Your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip. 115 00:07:18,767 --> 00:07:21,361 No, it was 50 pounds actually, it was delicious. 116 00:07:21,527 --> 00:07:24,360 But this is just a little something that fell in my lap. 117 00:07:24,647 --> 00:07:28,560 Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap. 118 00:07:28,727 --> 00:07:33,562 - No, but this one is a job. - Really? I just don't understand it. 119 00:07:33,727 --> 00:07:37,686 Where on earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, 120 00:07:37,847 --> 00:07:41,078 so low and degraded as to accept the job... 121 00:07:41,247 --> 00:07:44,045 ...of beheading the King of England? 122 00:07:49,407 --> 00:07:52,046 - Baldrick? - Yes. 123 00:07:52,207 --> 00:07:55,756 - That little job that fell into your lap... - Yes. 124 00:07:56,087 --> 00:07:59,238 It wasn't by any chance something to do with an axe, a basket, 125 00:07:59,407 --> 00:08:01,716 a little black mask and the King of England? 126 00:08:01,887 --> 00:08:03,878 - No. - Go on. 127 00:08:04,047 --> 00:08:05,878 I couldn't find a basket. 128 00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:09,403 You very small total bastard! 129 00:08:09,567 --> 00:08:13,355 Please, sir, don't kill me. I have a cunning plan to save the King. 130 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,677 Forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. 131 00:08:15,847 --> 00:08:18,645 Your family's record in cunning planning... 132 00:08:18,807 --> 00:08:22,402 ...is about as impressive as "Stumpy" Oleg McNolegs'... 133 00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:25,718 ...personal best in the Market Harborough marathon. 134 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,156 All right, what's the plan? 135 00:08:32,647 --> 00:08:36,196 A pumpkin... is going to save the king. 136 00:08:37,687 --> 00:08:41,885 But over here, I have one that I prepared earlier. 137 00:08:44,847 --> 00:08:48,044 I'll balance it on the King's head, like this. 138 00:08:48,247 --> 00:08:51,444 Then I'll cover his real head with a cloak... 139 00:08:51,887 --> 00:08:55,641 ...and then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, 140 00:08:55,807 --> 00:08:59,959 I'll cut off the pumpkin and the King survives! 141 00:09:01,047 --> 00:09:04,960 - I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick. - Why not? 142 00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:08,597 Because once you've cut it off you have to hold it up and say, 143 00:09:08,767 --> 00:09:12,123 "This is the head of a traitor." At which point, they'll shout back, 144 00:09:12,287 --> 00:09:16,280 "No, it's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it." 145 00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:19,601 I suppose it's not 100% convincing. 146 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:24,045 It's not 1% convincing. However, I am a busy man... 147 00:09:24,207 --> 00:09:26,641 ...and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment, 148 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,845 Here's my fist, kindly run towards it as fast as you can. 149 00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:38,599 I just don't understand it. What possessed you to take the job? 150 00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:42,885 I'm sorry, sir. It was just a wild silly foolish plan. 151 00:09:43,047 --> 00:09:46,403 I thought with the money I got from executing the King, 152 00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:49,957 I could sneak out and buy a new king when no one was looking... 153 00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:53,005 ...and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing. 154 00:09:53,487 --> 00:09:56,638 Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants. 155 00:09:58,527 --> 00:10:01,200 You'd do anything for 30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you? 156 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:04,837 It was a thousand pounds actually sir, plus tip. 157 00:10:07,287 --> 00:10:09,642 Well I suppose somebody's got to do it, haven't they? 158 00:10:09,927 --> 00:10:12,589 And when it's gonna be done, it's got to be done in single stroke, 159 00:10:12,590 --> 00:10:14,364 by someone who actually owns an axe. 160 00:10:14,527 --> 00:10:16,950 We don't want you hacking away at it all afternoon... 161 00:10:16,951 --> 00:10:18,566 ...with your cheap penknife of yours. 162 00:10:18,727 --> 00:10:20,558 It would be so embarrassing to have King Charles... 163 00:10:20,727 --> 00:10:22,338 ...staggering around Hampton Court tomorrow morning... 164 00:10:22,339 --> 00:10:25,562 ...with his neck flapping like fish's gills. 165 00:10:26,127 --> 00:10:28,925 - Sir, you don't mean? - Yep, I'm doing it. 166 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:31,840 Lend me your costume, then go immediately to the King, 167 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:35,602 and inform him that Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow. 168 00:10:36,047 --> 00:10:40,165 And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse. 169 00:10:40,887 --> 00:10:43,720 So that's why he can't be here. Sorry. 170 00:10:43,887 --> 00:10:46,924 I see. I quite understand, yes. 171 00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:52,880 Sir, the moment has arrived. Are you ready to meet your maker? 172 00:10:53,327 --> 00:10:57,206 I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life... 173 00:10:57,367 --> 00:11:00,803 ...but yes, particularly manufacturing industry. 174 00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:04,403 Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner, 175 00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:06,922 - and let's get on with it. - Right. 176 00:11:10,927 --> 00:11:14,158 Well, I'm sorry, my friend. I'm alone here today. 177 00:11:14,327 --> 00:11:19,117 I'd hoped that my loyal chum Sir Edmund Blackadder would be here, 178 00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:24,281 but unfortunately his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch. 179 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,357 So, naturally, he can't be with us. 180 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,644 All I can do is bid you do your duty well. 181 00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:36,123 Well, thank you, Your Majesty. 182 00:11:36,407 --> 00:11:39,604 May I say how much I mourn for your lot, 183 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:43,680 and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly. 184 00:11:43,847 --> 00:11:45,280 Thank you. I take great solace from that. 185 00:11:45,447 --> 00:11:48,723 Sir Thomas More, for instance. A great generous man to the last. 186 00:11:48,887 --> 00:11:52,721 He apparently tipped his executioner, handsomely. 187 00:11:52,887 --> 00:11:57,005 I'm so sorry, I thought service was included. 188 00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:58,600 Here you are. 189 00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:03,559 - And then there was the Earl of Essex. - Was there? 190 00:12:03,727 --> 00:12:05,080 A truly great man. 191 00:12:05,247 --> 00:12:09,320 They still sing his famous ballad in The Chepstow Arms. 192 00:12:09,487 --> 00:12:10,556 What ballad is that? 193 00:12:10,727 --> 00:12:14,845 sovereigns, hey nonny no 194 00:12:15,047 --> 00:12:19,837 to the man with the axe... oh. 195 00:12:20,647 --> 00:12:24,560 - A thousand sovereigns? - You can't take it with you, Majesty. 196 00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:27,764 Very true. There you are. Keep the change. 197 00:12:27,927 --> 00:12:30,236 Thank you, Your Majesty. Right, should we go? 198 00:12:30,407 --> 00:12:31,840 Just a moment! 199 00:12:32,007 --> 00:12:34,999 That voice has a strangely familiar ring. 200 00:12:35,247 --> 00:12:36,805 And so does that finger. 201 00:12:38,447 --> 00:12:39,641 Blackadder! 202 00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,803 Hello, Your Majesty! 203 00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:45,197 You cunning swine! 204 00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:46,966 Yes, well... 205 00:12:47,127 --> 00:12:48,560 Marvellous! Splendid! 206 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:52,925 You've duped Cromwell and you've concocted a cunning plan... 207 00:12:53,087 --> 00:12:56,124 ...to help me and my infant son escape to France. 208 00:12:56,487 --> 00:12:58,796 Yes, that's right. Yes. 209 00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:02,755 So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away. 210 00:13:03,287 --> 00:13:04,640 Yes, let's... 211 00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:10,722 - Well, you start the ball rolling. - No, no, after you. 212 00:13:11,247 --> 00:13:13,283 Right... yes... 213 00:13:14,287 --> 00:13:17,643 Oh, yes, right. And it's a very good plan. 214 00:13:17,807 --> 00:13:21,595 It's a staggering bowel-shatteringly good plan. 215 00:13:22,887 --> 00:13:27,165 - Is the King ready? - He is. Come, Your Majesty. 216 00:13:44,247 --> 00:13:46,807 This is the head of a traitor. 217 00:13:46,967 --> 00:13:50,562 No, it's not. It's a huge pumpkin... 218 00:13:50,727 --> 00:13:54,163 ...with a pathetic moustache drawn on it. 219 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:58,203 Oh yes, so it is. Sorry. I'll try again. 220 00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:09,765 Well sir, they can't say you didn't try. 221 00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:12,117 Now the future of the British monarchy... 222 00:14:12,287 --> 00:14:16,360 ...lies fast asleep in your arms, in the person of this infant prince. 223 00:14:16,527 --> 00:14:20,236 And with the money you've earned you and he can escape to France. 224 00:14:20,447 --> 00:14:21,800 Well, quite. 225 00:14:22,287 --> 00:14:25,757 On the other hand, you can stay here and as a known loyalist, 226 00:14:25,927 --> 00:14:27,883 the Roundheads will come and cut your head off. 227 00:14:28,047 --> 00:14:29,685 Exactly, Baldrick. 228 00:14:30,487 --> 00:14:32,318 - Oh, my God. - Surround the house, men. 229 00:14:32,487 --> 00:14:35,559 Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do? 230 00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:39,043 At times like this Baldrick, there's no choice for a man of honour. 231 00:14:39,207 --> 00:14:43,405 He must stand and fight and die in defence of his future sovereign. 232 00:14:45,407 --> 00:14:47,523 Unfortunately, I'm not a man of honour. 233 00:14:52,287 --> 00:14:55,677 Thank God you've come! Seize the royalist scum!