1 00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:08,574 [Earl Narrating] Living at the motel, we've had our share of annoying neighbors. 2 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,041 Hello there, neighbor folks. Working hard or hardly working? 3 00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:13,772 Like this guy, most of them drove me crazy and wouldn't shut up. 4 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:17,976 Say, did I ever tell you guys about the time my dog ate a whole bag of Halloween candy? 5 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:22,043 Whoo-hoo! Well, I come home from work one day, I walk in the door- 6 00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:26,182 Least I think I was at work. But as it occurs to me, it was a Sunday in October... 7 00:00:26,292 --> 00:00:29,750 and I do not work on the Lord's day- during football season! 8 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,798 "The Lord's day." You should write that down. That's a good one. 9 00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:34,867 Wait. It wasn't October. 10 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:39,598 It was February, and it was a box of chocolates I purchased for my sweetheart Gertie. 11 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:43,437 L-l- I gotta pee. Cappy, talk real loud so I don't miss anything, okay? 12 00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:47,309 So, anyways, Gertie was from Bismarck- 13 00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:49,314 [Earl Narrating] So I was stuck. 14 00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:52,783 But fortunately, whenever I had a neighbor I didn't like... 15 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:57,084 - Catalina would always find a way to move 'em. - So, I says to myself, "Cappy"- 16 00:00:57,190 --> 00:01:00,626 Excuse me, sir. We just discovered toxic mold in your room. 17 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:04,891 Oh, bummer. We had toxic moles in our old room. 18 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:08,729 They burrow in, and they have turf wars with the rats. 19 00:01:08,835 --> 00:01:11,827 I'll be moving you to a great room in the east wing. 20 00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:14,168 When it's windy, you can get HBO. 21 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:17,573 Keep in touch. Or not. 22 00:01:17,677 --> 00:01:20,077 My name is Earl. 23 00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:26,944 You wanna tell me why I just saw Cappy in the east wing? 24 00:01:27,053 --> 00:01:30,284 I don't know, Randy. Something about toxic moles. 25 00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,358 It wasn't toxic moles. 26 00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:35,292 You got rid of him, like you do with all the cool neighbors- 27 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,363 even that guy with the illegal penguin. 28 00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,364 That penguin was a jerk. 29 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:42,094 All day long- [Imitating Footsteps] 30 00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:45,638 Plus, I knew he kept him in the ice machine at night, 'cause I could taste it. 31 00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:48,298 Well, I miss Cappy. 32 00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:51,172 Trust me, Randy, we're better off without him. 33 00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:56,214 Hello? 34 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,550 Can I help you? 35 00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:09,221 What are you doin' in my room? 36 00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,729 Oh, you must be in the room next door. 37 00:02:11,831 --> 00:02:13,856 But my key opened this door. 38 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:17,630 Oh, that's 'cause the manager bought all the locks in bulk at a swap meet. 39 00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:19,864 They can also be opened with a potato peeler... 40 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,771 and those things that you use to hold corn on the cob. 41 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,242 Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm Earl. 42 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:37,885 Way to go, Earl. I bet that guy's got the least funny stories in the universe. 43 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,983 I don't want stories in a neighbor, Randy. I want quiet in a neighbor. 44 00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:45,656 Well, let's see how you like quiet in a brother. 45 00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:48,063 [TV: Chattering, Gunshots] 46 00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:51,737 So, how do you like it? 47 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,329 Give me a few hours to find out. 48 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,340 [Grinding] 49 00:02:57,777 --> 00:02:59,608 [Banging] 50 00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:06,217 You know who didn't make noise at night? Cappy. 51 00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:10,050 I'm sure the new guy just doesn't realize how loud that is. 52 00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:12,124 I'll go talk to him. 53 00:03:14,894 --> 00:03:19,024 [Machinery Winds Down, Stops] 54 00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:26,672 Hey. It's, uh- It's 3:00 in the morning. 55 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:29,298 Just wondering if you could keep it down. 56 00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:36,138 Just, uh, I heard some noise in there. 57 00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:39,150 Just maybe you could not... 58 00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:41,812 work... so late? 59 00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:44,481 I don't know what you're talking about. L- I was sleeping. 60 00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:48,617 Okeydokey. 61 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:53,265 - How'd it go? - Pretty good. 62 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:56,301 He's actually a pretty nice guy once you get to know him. 63 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:59,929 [Grinding, Banging Resume] 64 00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,941 I'm sure he'll be done real soon. 65 00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:07,570 - You miss Cappy, don't you? - Yeah, I miss Cappy! 66 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,773 What the hell is he doin' in there anyway? 67 00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:11,440 Why don't you go look through the bullet hole? 68 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,075 Why don't you look through the bullet hole? 69 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,950 Why should I? This is your fault. If it had been up to me... 70 00:04:16,055 --> 00:04:19,252 - we'd still have Cappy and not some weirdo- - Not it! 71 00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:21,657 Damn it. Why do I always forget "not it"? 72 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,424 [Machinery Winds Down, Stops] 73 00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:28,432 [Whispers] Go look. 74 00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:39,033 What do you see? 75 00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:42,512 It's sort of a big almond-shaped white thing... 76 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:47,314 with sort of a round blue-greenish thing in the middle. 77 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,320 It blinked. 78 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,449 [Whispering] It's an eye! 79 00:04:52,558 --> 00:04:54,753 It's an eye! He's lookin' at us! 80 00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:57,690 His name is Lloyd. And no, I am not moving that guy. 81 00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:01,130 I saw him this morning, and he said if I ever step foot in his room... 82 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,395 something bad will happen to my pretty little face. 83 00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:06,370 You should have him thrown out of the motel for acting psycho. 84 00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:10,033 Are you kidding? If I can't go in his room, I can't clean his room. 85 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:13,078 Plus, he thinks I'm pretty. I hope he never checks out. 86 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,544 Well, I guess if he's not moving, we have to. 87 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:20,483 Well, then somebody's gotta go pack our stuff, and I think it should be you. 88 00:05:20,586 --> 00:05:23,054 Number one, because this is all your fault. Number two, you're- 89 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:26,023 - Not it. - Damn it! 90 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:31,319 - Hey, Joy. - Hey, dummkopf. 91 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:35,060 That's German for "dummy." Heard Colonel Klink say it to Hogan. 92 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,365 - What are you doin' here? - Catchin' a fish for Dodge's science project. 93 00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:40,871 [Earl Narrating] Turned out there was a reason Joy was excited... 94 00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:42,873 about this particular science fair. 95 00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:44,943 Normally, Joy didn't believe in science... 96 00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:48,673 but she did believe in the $500 cash prize and what it would buy her. 97 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,908 [Woman] ...universal symbol of hope and love. 98 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,918 Because if your heart is open, love will always find its way in. 99 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,545 It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 100 00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,624 [Earl Narrating] Those diamonds got a hold ofJoy... 101 00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:01,660 and she couldn't stop thinking about how to get her hands on that necklace. 102 00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:05,595 - [Gasps] Jane Seymour? - Hello, Joy. 103 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:09,395 - How'd you know my name? - Oh, I've been reading your prescription bottles. 104 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,766 I have something for you. 105 00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:18,106 - What the hell? - Oh, I'm sorry. 106 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,146 You'll have to win the science fair if you want to get the necklace. 107 00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:26,412 But how, Jane Seymour? I never understood science or chemistry or biology. 108 00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:28,919 You wanna hear something funny? 109 00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:32,252 First time I ever used birth control pills, I put 'em inside me. 110 00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:37,591 Well, we all change, Joy. I started as a dancer, and I evolved into an actress. 111 00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:40,666 And then I evolved into an artist. 112 00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,735 It's all about evolution. 113 00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:46,066 Evolution. 114 00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,470 Jane Seymour wants me to disprove evolution. 115 00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:51,099 - Darnell! - It's not porn if it's on regular TV. 116 00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:54,873 Jane Seymour came to me in a dream and told me how to win the science fair. 117 00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:58,109 I'm gonna prove that evolution's a bunch of bullcrap. 118 00:06:58,217 --> 00:07:00,515 How are you going to do that? 119 00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:03,214 I'm gonna fill this up with water and put a fish in it... 120 00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:05,290 but his food's gonna be up on this rock. 121 00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:08,952 When the fish gets hungry, he's gonna have to grow legs and walk up here to eat. 122 00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:11,757 If he doesn't, that proves there's no evolution. 123 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:17,669 Tampon, condom, pacifier- 124 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,533 Fish! 125 00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:24,940 Kind of small, don't you think? 126 00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,137 Maybe for eatin', but not for science. 127 00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:33,978 Oh, man. Y'all got homeless comin' through here now? 128 00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:36,987 That's why I tell Darnell, "Break your bottles 'fore you throw 'em away." 129 00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:39,717 Word gets out, they'll stop pawin' through your trash. 130 00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,726 [Vehicle Passes, Horn Honks] 131 00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:44,991 - Hold the phone! - [Blowing] 132 00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:46,860 I know that guy. 133 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,957 [Earl Narrating] I was surprised thatJoy knew Lloyd. 134 00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:53,732 But I was even more surprised to find out that, in a way, I knew him too. 135 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,740 Shortly after me and Joy got married... 136 00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:58,208 - I realized I couldn'tjust rely on stealing... - 137 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:01,075 - to support a new wife and someone else's unborn baby. - 138 00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:03,580 - - So I tried my hand in the auto industry. 139 00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:07,210 - - For 50 bucks I'd haul away your oldjunker. 140 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,481 to give you a hand 141 00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:12,217 the promised land 142 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,953 - - Then I took the 50... 143 00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:17,825 and gave it a hillbilly tune-up to get it runnin'. 144 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:19,864 and sit here by my side 145 00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:24,994 I stapled the seat belts back together, painted over the "check engine" light... 146 00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:27,732 and I wrote "air bag" on the steering wheel in Sharpie. 147 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,741 That should raise the price. 148 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:34,802 As soon as we found a nice house that was vacant during the day, the car was ready to sell. 149 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:38,179 - So, why you selling it? - We're buying a minivan. 150 00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:42,846 I know, barf. Next thing you know, I'm gonna be playing soccer like all the other moms. 151 00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:47,415 I'm goin' on a cross-country trip, and, uh, I've never bought a car before. 152 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,518 [Laughs] I don't even know what questions to ask. 153 00:08:49,629 --> 00:08:53,065 I hear ya. Lord knows, I'm no car salesman. 154 00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:56,066 Tell you what. Why don't you just give me the 900 bucks. 155 00:08:56,168 --> 00:09:00,036 Drive it around for a couple of days. If you don't like it, come get your money back. 156 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,869 I mean, you know where we live. It's not like we're goin' anywhere. 157 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:05,978 That sounds fair. 158 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,541 Yeah, let's do it. 159 00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:13,141 - I'm buyin' a car! - You're buyin' a car. 160 00:09:14,253 --> 00:09:16,483 161 00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:19,057 He looked so nice and sweet when we ripped him off. 162 00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:21,558 Now he looks like that guy who used to collect roadkill... 163 00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:24,061 to make those creepy Nativity scenes. 164 00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:27,621 Anyway, I'd stay away from him if I were you. 165 00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:31,396 I can't now. He's on my list. 166 00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:34,405 [Earl Narrating] I had a lot of experience telling psychos I screwed 'em over... 167 00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,407 but this guy was the psycho-est. 168 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:39,569 - Hey there, buddy. - I'm not your buddy. 169 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,341 Fair enough. 170 00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:45,474 Uh, listen, I just heard the craziest story. 171 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,043 It's not the one about that dog eating the candies, is it? 172 00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:52,249 'Cause I already walked away from that story once. 173 00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:57,091 No, l-listen. It's, uh- It's about the lemon car I sold you. 174 00:09:57,196 --> 00:10:02,532 I told him I was the one who sold him that lemon car, and all about my list and karma. 175 00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:05,126 Then I waited for the crazy to come out. 176 00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:07,137 But it didn't. 177 00:10:07,239 --> 00:10:09,537 You don't owe me anything. 178 00:10:09,642 --> 00:10:12,304 You showed me the way of the world. 179 00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,312 That's when Lloyd told me the rest of what happened. 180 00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:18,315 Lloyd packed his bags and headed off on a cross-country trip. 181 00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:22,148 [Singing With Car Stereo] 182 00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:28,022 - - [Car Backfires, Rattles] 183 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,960 [Sputters, Backfires] 184 00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:34,863 But the car we sold him wasn't even up for a cross-Camden trip. 185 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,231 186 00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:41,067 187 00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:44,006 Lloyd was happyJoy gave him that money-back guarantee... 188 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:47,671 until he found out the house really belonged to the Yangs. 189 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,977 Damn. Damn, damn, damn! 190 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:56,915 He gave that car a hillbilly tune-up ofhis own and passed it on the next sucker. 191 00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:58,991 Why is it shaking? 192 00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,059 That's not the car. That's you. 193 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,424 Oh. 194 00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:07,932 But why-why is smoke coming out from under the hood? 195 00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:11,162 Oh, that's the steam feature. Keeps the engine clean. 196 00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:15,104 Fancy. I'll take it! 197 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:20,235 Finally, I'll have one nice thing before I die. 198 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:24,578 I feel terrible. L-I'd really like to make up for what I did. 199 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,676 Why? You opened my eyes. 200 00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:29,914 You taught me that people are scum. 201 00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:33,617 But I won't have to worry about the scum of the earth much longer. 202 00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:36,854 That's kind of a weird thing to say. 203 00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:39,988 - N-No offense. - Oh, no, that's okay. 204 00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:43,364 'Cause soon, I'm gonna have all my materials... 205 00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:46,063 and I won't have to worry about people offending me. 206 00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:52,132 See, th-there you go again. 207 00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,875 You're the one from the eyehole. 208 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,543 Stay tuned. 209 00:12:04,590 --> 00:12:06,956 I think I created a terrorist. 210 00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:17,167 Randy, I really think this guy's gonna blow somethin' up. What do we do? 211 00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:20,432 You're asking me? Oh, God. This is really bad, isn't it? 212 00:12:20,539 --> 00:12:23,167 - I don't know. Maybe call the cops? - No, that won't help. 213 00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:26,767 They'll lock him up for a few months, then let him back out even more angry at the world. 214 00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:29,245 We could chop his hands off, so at least he can't light fuses. 215 00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:31,248 - Randy- - [Groans] 216 00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:33,818 You put me in charge, and now you shoot down all my ideas? 217 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,910 Randy, we're not choppin' off Lloyd's hands! 218 00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:37,989 - My hands? - Aah! - Aah! 219 00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:41,259 Uh, a-a different Lloyd. 220 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:44,420 Uh, I got a cousin named Lloyd... 221 00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:47,465 who has, uh, hand cancer. 222 00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:50,034 Listen, Lloyd. 223 00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:53,663 I feel responsible for you thinking everybody is scum. 224 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,970 - And I believe I already thanked you. - I don't want to be thanked. 225 00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,807 L-l- I just wanna make it up to you so that you're not so... 226 00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:02,813 negative? 227 00:13:02,915 --> 00:13:05,645 Show me somebody who isn't negative. 228 00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:08,276 - Katie Couric. - Randy. 229 00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:12,949 Look. Not everybody's scum. 230 00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:15,026 No, think about it. 231 00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,652 People are only good till they get screwed over. 232 00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:19,890 You screwed me, I screwed the next person... 233 00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:22,160 and I'm sure they screwed somebody else... 234 00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:26,329 and it just kept goin' down the line. 235 00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:29,574 But-But what if it didn't? 236 00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:34,237 Wh-What if somebody, uh, broke the chain, and-and was honest about the car? 237 00:13:34,346 --> 00:13:37,543 - Impossible. - You don't know that. 238 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:41,245 - How much you wanna bet? - I'll bet you $500. 239 00:13:41,353 --> 00:13:44,789 Well, I'm kinda on a fixed income right now... 240 00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:47,120 and, uh, it's all going to my project. 241 00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:49,194 Look, how about this. 242 00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:54,289 If one of those people was honest and- and didn't screw somebody else... 243 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,493 will you give your fellow man another chance? 244 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:05,132 [Earl Narrating] The next dayJoy saw something that undid years of Sunday school. 245 00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:10,079 - SweetJesus! The fish grew feet. - What does that mean, Mommy? 246 00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:13,345 I think it means we don't gotta go to church no more. 247 00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,455 Baby, that's a tadpole. 248 00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:20,081 All you proved is that tadpoles turn into frogs. 249 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:23,059 - Do people already know that? - Yes, Joy. 250 00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:25,460 That would actually fall under the heading "common knowledge." 251 00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:30,024 Damn! Now I'm not gonna get my hand-designed Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace. 252 00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:32,933 - Stupid fish-frog! - [Dog Barking In Distance] 253 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,098 Hello. My name's Darnell. 254 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:39,200 I'm gonna call you Mr. Frog. 255 00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:43,240 [Earl Narrating] I didn't want Lloyd to blow anything up... 256 00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:46,546 so I made him take me to the little old lady he sold the car to. 257 00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:49,212 Of course I remember that shaky car. 258 00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:53,280 I wasted a thousand dollars getting tested for Parkinson's. 259 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:55,622 L-I don't suppose you still have the car, do you? 260 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,891 [Earl Narrating] She didn't. She told me how she spruced it up with a racing stripe... 261 00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:00,966 and sold it to a guy who was new to town. 262 00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:04,160 That sneaky little bitch ripped me off... 263 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:07,364 with her face like a wrinkled yam and her lies. 264 00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:10,636 What she did was wrong- evil and wrong! 265 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,201 - What'd you do with the car? - I sold it to the next sucker. 266 00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:16,941 Hey, welcome to America! [Chuckles] 267 00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:19,643 [Earl Narrating] Nescobar gave the car something he called a Nairobi tune-up... 268 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,777 and sold it to a hillbilly. 269 00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:26,290 I wrote "Turbo" on the side and sold it to a black feller named PookieJohnson. 270 00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:28,587 I remember, 'cause my mom's name is Pookie. 271 00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:33,461 Hey, is that a three-position switch with a built-in timer? Can I buy it? 272 00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:36,432 Don't do it. Don't do it. I think he's buildin' a bomb. 273 00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:40,938 I think we've already established that scruples are not a big part of my nature. 274 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,600 [Earl Narrating] I wasn't gettin'closer to finding an honest man... 275 00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:46,303 but Lloyd seemed to be getting closer to finishing his bomb. 276 00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:48,380 So I had to get creative. 277 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:52,780 [Nasal Voice] Yeah, it conked out in the Chubby Burger drive-through line. 278 00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,978 That's when I said to myself... 279 00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:58,488 "PookieJames Johnson, you have been hoodwinked." 280 00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:00,820 What'd you do then, PookieJames? 281 00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:04,293 I melted it down and made a jungle gym for orphans. 282 00:16:04,396 --> 00:16:08,890 Only wish I could have melted something down to make those kids some moms and dads. 283 00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:13,404 - Well, we do what we can. - Wow, you really did that? 284 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:16,298 Orphans? 285 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,910 That's impressive. 286 00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:22,845 [Earl Narrating] I knew I wasn't exactly honest with Lloyd... 287 00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:27,351 but it seems like it's okay to bend the rules when it comes to dealing with terrorists. 288 00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:29,421 So I figured karma wouldn't mind. 289 00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:31,489 Apparently, I figured wrong. 290 00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:33,490 [Vehicle Backfires] 291 00:16:33,592 --> 00:16:35,082 [Brakes Screech] 292 00:16:37,363 --> 00:16:39,797 People are scum! 293 00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:44,392 And you're scum for lying to me, and I'm not putting up with it anymore! 294 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,597 - Lloyd, wait! You're not even on my insurance! - [Car Door Closes, Engine Revs] 295 00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:50,607 [Tires Squealing] 296 00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:53,303 297 00:16:53,412 --> 00:16:56,006 - - [Backfires, Sputters] 298 00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:58,413 - - Really? 299 00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:01,782 - You had to drive by right now? - 300 00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:04,378 [Earl Narrating] I hadn't done much running since I gave up stealing... 301 00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,583 so I was a little out of shape. 302 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:10,628 But it's amazing how fast you can move when the fate ofhalf the county is in your hands. 303 00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:13,391 Lloyd! Stop! 304 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,399 Lloyd, look, I know there's some bad people out there... 305 00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:20,699 but there's some good people too... 306 00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:23,001 and neither one deserves to be blown up! 307 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,011 Lloyd, open up! 308 00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:30,872 Please don't set off the bomb! 309 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,747 - What bomb? - That bomb right there! 310 00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:36,150 It's not a bomb. 311 00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:38,280 It's my rocket ship. 312 00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:42,753 - What made you think I was building a bomb? - I don't know- 313 00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:47,264 uh, all the talk about how you wouldn't have to put up with the scum of the earth anymore. 314 00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:53,066 Yeah, 'cause I'm launching myself into outer space in my man-made rocket ship. 315 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,663 Bomb? 316 00:17:55,774 --> 00:17:59,972 - What do you think, I'm crazy? - L-I don't know how to answer that. 317 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,944 Wait a minute. 318 00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:08,084 You actually thought I was gonna set off a bomb. 319 00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:10,849 And you ran toward the danger. 320 00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:13,857 Yeah, I wondered about that myself a few times while I was runnin'. 321 00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:16,427 I mean, you could have run to safety. 322 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,331 But instead you risked your own life to- 323 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:24,197 to save other people? 324 00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:27,602 Hey, you build rockets. I run towards bombs. 325 00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:30,607 Let-Let's just agree we're both a little crazy, okay? 326 00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,738 That was completely unselfish. 327 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:38,183 You are a good person. 328 00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,353 I guess that means everybody isn't scum. 329 00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:49,593 Congratulations. 330 00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:53,490 Think you won your bet. 331 00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,099 [Earl Narrating] It wasn't how I planned on doing it... 332 00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:01,730 but I helped Lloyd regain his faith that people can be good. 333 00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:07,573 We'll marry our fortunes together 334 00:19:07,679 --> 00:19:11,342 Years ago, Lloyd thought I had opened his eyes to all the bad in the world. 335 00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:13,577 But really, I did something worse. 336 00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:15,915 I made him close his eyes to all of the good. 337 00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:19,548 Both are all around. You just have to decide which one to focus on. 338 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:24,561 Andjust like Lloyd, I realized I was only seeing the bad in the people around me... 339 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,188 when I needed to be like Randy and see the good. 340 00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:31,395 Hey, Randy. What are you guys talking about? 341 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,937 Cappy's telling us about going to bingo night. 342 00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:37,531 He almost had all the I's, and then he almost had all the corners. 343 00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:42,205 But then someone else called bingo. So on the next game he started out with B-3. 344 00:19:42,314 --> 00:19:44,282 - Eh, B- B-7. - B-7, I meant. 345 00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,374 Hold on. I wanna come down and hear all about it. 346 00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:50,751 like a dream to me now 347 00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:53,617 [Earl Narrating] Now that Lloyd could see the good in the world... 348 00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,523 he finally took that cross-country trip to see more of it. 349 00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:59,096 350 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,725 351 00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:06,292 And it turns out, all the work he did on his rocket didn't go to waste. 352 00:20:06,405 --> 00:20:08,873 That's right! My son's a scientifical genius. 353 00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:11,465 That's why he won- 354 00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:14,842 - The hell is this? - A savings bond, Joy, in Dodge's name. 355 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,814 I was gonna tell you, but then I figured you wouldn't go through with it... 356 00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:20,043 and Dodge wouldn't get to have this unearned feeling of success. 357 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:24,213 - What about my feelings? - I thought about that too. 358 00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:26,052 [Gasps] 359 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,058 Oh, my God. 360 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,459 It's a KayJewelers Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace! 361 00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,963 [Gasps, Kisses] 362 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,500 Do you know how those diamonds were formed? 363 00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,797 Millions of years ago, there were dinosaurs who died... 364 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,270 and the carbon in their bodies was compressed- 365 00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,433 Darnell, don't be a turd in the sandbox.