1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000 _ 2 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,776 Welcome to this very special rush evening 3 00:00:10,843 --> 00:00:13,345 of the new and improved Kappa Kappa Tau. 4 00:00:13,412 --> 00:00:14,880 I'm Zayday Williams, president, 5 00:00:14,947 --> 00:00:18,016 and this is my vice president, Grace Gardner. 6 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:19,718 We would also like to thank Dean Munsch 7 00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:21,920 for allowing us to have a winter semester rush this year. 8 00:00:21,988 --> 00:00:24,756 Well, now that the unfortunate events 9 00:00:24,824 --> 00:00:26,925 of the fall semester are behind us 10 00:00:26,993 --> 00:00:30,095 and the school is back open and extremely safe, 11 00:00:30,163 --> 00:00:31,897 I thought, why not? 12 00:00:31,964 --> 00:00:35,567 Especially since the new Kappa seems to be aligned so clearly 13 00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:37,769 with mine and the rest of the student body's 14 00:00:37,837 --> 00:00:41,173 almost militant commitment to political correctness 15 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,109 and acceptance of different and unusual points of view. 16 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:46,411 As long as they're always left-leaning. 17 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:48,213 Now, if you'll excuse me, 18 00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:52,984 I'm gonna go disinvite Jerry Seinfeld from speaking at commencement. 19 00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:55,053 He told a joke about a woman once. 20 00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:56,054 Allegedly. 21 00:00:58,357 --> 00:01:00,892 We would also like to introduce you to our treasurer, 22 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,360 Hester Ulrich. 23 00:01:04,163 --> 00:01:07,532 Excuse me. Is it still true that you guys take anyone who wants to pledge? 24 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,201 It's actually now written in the Kappa bylaws. 25 00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:12,404 So today is going to be filled with us... 26 00:01:12,471 --> 00:01:14,406 Hi. It's me, Hester. 27 00:01:14,473 --> 00:01:16,842 You may have noticed my eye patch. It's temporary. 28 00:01:16,909 --> 00:01:18,510 The advantage of stabbing yourself in the eye 29 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,445 with a stiletto heel is that you know 30 00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:23,048 just where to jab it in order to miss the important organs, 31 00:01:23,115 --> 00:01:24,983 like your optic nerve or your brain. 32 00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:27,285 You might have noticed that I'm the only Chanel left. 33 00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:29,454 That's because I got away with it. 34 00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:31,289 It was a plan 20 years in the making, 35 00:01:31,357 --> 00:01:33,058 and it worked. 36 00:01:33,082 --> 00:01:36,054 - sync and corrections by Caio - - www.addic7ed.com - 37 00:01:36,128 --> 00:01:38,063 You probably think that growing up 38 00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:39,664 in a mental institution would be fun. 39 00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:42,167 Plenty of cigarettes and Monopoly. 40 00:01:45,705 --> 00:01:47,305 But it was hard at first. 41 00:01:48,507 --> 00:01:50,008 Gigi was pretty bummed out 42 00:01:50,076 --> 00:01:51,977 about her sister killing herself with laxatives, 43 00:01:52,044 --> 00:01:53,979 - _ - and she cried a lot. 44 00:01:56,148 --> 00:01:58,116 For three years. 45 00:01:59,552 --> 00:02:02,787 But with the help of good doctors and nurses at the asylum, 46 00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:03,339 _ 47 00:02:03,364 --> 00:02:04,814 Gigi was able to turn her sadness into anger, 48 00:02:04,857 --> 00:02:07,125 and we started planning our revenge. 49 00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:12,597 - _ - Now, this is a hammer. 50 00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:16,101 Hammers are good for bashing people in the skull 51 00:02:16,168 --> 00:02:18,303 and watching them bleed to death, okay? 52 00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:20,305 Now, how about this? 53 00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:22,507 - Knife! - Okay. 54 00:02:22,575 --> 00:02:24,142 How about this one? 55 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,644 - Chain saw. - Great! 56 00:02:25,711 --> 00:02:27,612 Now, what are the advantages of using this? 57 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,948 Easily cuts through muscle and bone, 58 00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:31,516 and has the added advantage of making sure 59 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:33,518 your victim's final emotion is terror. 60 00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:34,552 Suck ass! 61 00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:36,554 That's great, Hester. 62 00:02:36,622 --> 00:02:38,056 Now, let's maybe let Boone answer the next one. 63 00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:40,025 - But he's a moron. - I know. 64 00:02:40,092 --> 00:02:41,960 I know. 65 00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:43,395 Ow! 66 00:02:47,199 --> 00:02:49,134 We grew. Time passed. 67 00:02:49,201 --> 00:02:50,535 It did get a little lonely there. 68 00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,671 Sometimes I made friends, 69 00:02:52,738 --> 00:02:54,172 but then the next thing you know, 70 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,007 they're getting a full frontal lobotomy. 71 00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:04,049 Gigi said that we would be headed to Wallace 72 00:03:04,116 --> 00:03:05,850 to finally put our plan into action, 73 00:03:05,918 --> 00:03:08,386 so I needed a persona to hide behind 74 00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:09,524 while we murdered people and stuff. 75 00:03:09,730 --> 00:03:11,500 Boone decided that his would be to pretend to be gay, 76 00:03:11,501 --> 00:03:13,948 which made, like, no sense, since all that would do is 77 00:03:13,949 --> 00:03:15,618 make him stand out amongst those frat dudes. 78 00:03:16,495 --> 00:03:18,396 But Boone was never one for really being smart. 79 00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:19,965 As for me, what I've noticed is that 80 00:03:20,032 --> 00:03:21,700 the more weird and gross you are, 81 00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:24,002 the less people want to know about you. 82 00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:25,670 No one asks the kid with terrible acne 83 00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:28,373 what their favorite movie is or where they were born. 84 00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:30,008 Even though I only ate asylum food 85 00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,576 and never really exercised, I was blessed 86 00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,178 with a super tight bod. 87 00:03:33,245 --> 00:03:35,080 My butt could launch a thousand ships, 88 00:03:35,147 --> 00:03:37,115 and my boobs were remarkably perky and even. 89 00:03:37,183 --> 00:03:39,017 Couple that with my BJ lips, 90 00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:41,119 and I was gonna need something pretty spectacular 91 00:03:41,187 --> 00:03:43,688 to keep everyone from wanting to get all up in this. 92 00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:48,560 Once I saw her, I knew I found my cloak of social invisibility. 93 00:04:02,975 --> 00:04:04,709 We needed a cool costume. 94 00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:06,044 All killers have a cool costume... 95 00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:07,846 Jason with his hockey mask, 96 00:04:07,913 --> 00:04:09,647 Freddy Krueger's sweater and hat, 97 00:04:09,715 --> 00:04:12,884 Cujo's totally realistic dog costume. 98 00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:17,389 Hey, everyone! 99 00:04:17,456 --> 00:04:19,724 Come down to Jesse Helms Stadium tonight 100 00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:23,028 to cheer on our very own Wallace University 101 00:04:23,095 --> 00:04:25,463 Red Devils! 102 00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:28,366 Kickoff at 7:00 p.m.! 103 00:04:38,644 --> 00:04:40,111 Kind of ironic that our first victim 104 00:04:40,179 --> 00:04:41,780 was actually the Red Devil, 105 00:04:41,847 --> 00:04:43,014 but when you want to make an omelet, right? 106 00:04:47,853 --> 00:04:49,621 But the devil outfit was perfect. 107 00:04:49,688 --> 00:04:51,489 Unisex, kind of satanic 108 00:04:51,557 --> 00:04:53,091 but not, like, a giant goat head satanic. 109 00:04:53,159 --> 00:04:55,326 Red and black so it wouldn't stain 110 00:04:55,394 --> 00:04:56,761 when it was covered in blood. 111 00:04:56,829 --> 00:04:58,630 And since it was the school mascot, 112 00:04:58,697 --> 00:05:00,899 we could walk around campus in it without being noticed. 113 00:05:00,966 --> 00:05:02,600 I think he's dead. 114 00:05:02,668 --> 00:05:04,002 It was time to begin. 115 00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:06,538 We broke into Kappa and we got busy. 116 00:05:09,041 --> 00:05:10,608 I don't understand why 117 00:05:10,676 --> 00:05:12,243 we don't just stab this Dorkus girl. 118 00:05:12,311 --> 00:05:13,945 Because this is more dramatic. 119 00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:16,147 I don't know. Stabbing can be pretty dramatic. 120 00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:20,318 No, this is more poetic. It hits these girls right in their vanity. 121 00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:21,986 Wait, we're spraying acid on the furniture? 122 00:05:22,054 --> 00:05:23,354 How's that gonna hurt them? 123 00:05:23,422 --> 00:05:26,024 Just pour the acid in! 124 00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:28,026 Obvi, I was the brains of the operation. 125 00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:33,098 Boone was the muscle, and Gigi was the weird and psycho beating black heart. 126 00:05:33,165 --> 00:05:36,067 We did have to get into college before we could execute our plan. 127 00:05:36,135 --> 00:05:37,469 Hard, since we never went to high school. 128 00:05:37,536 --> 00:05:39,604 Boone went undercover year before I did. 129 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,606 never actually rolled in school. 130 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:43,608 Since none of those frat guys ever went to class, 131 00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:45,243 it was easy to just show up there, 132 00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:47,045 say he was a student, and blend right in. 133 00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:48,046 But I wanted to do it right. 134 00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,872 Well, Hester, 135 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,883 your high school transcripts are clearly faked. 136 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,854 And I'm guessing you made up your SAT scores, 137 00:05:55,921 --> 00:05:58,022 'cause it's not possible to get one million percent on them. 138 00:05:58,090 --> 00:05:59,591 Now, that being said, 139 00:05:59,658 --> 00:06:01,860 we do have a new mandate here at Wallace University 140 00:06:01,927 --> 00:06:03,795 for special needs diversity. 141 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:07,632 And seeing as we have no students with severe spinal deformities, 142 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:11,870 I... am gonna take a chance on you. 143 00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:16,007 Welcome to Wallace. 144 00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:18,209 Thank you, Dean. You won't regret it. 145 00:06:23,215 --> 00:06:23,982 Hi. 146 00:06:25,117 --> 00:06:26,050 Ooh, cool neck brace. 147 00:06:26,118 --> 00:06:26,918 You ever think about decorating it? 148 00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:29,354 I've got a Bedazzler back in my room. 149 00:06:29,421 --> 00:06:31,089 What do you say we spice it up a bit? 150 00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:34,092 Um, no. But that sounds like a lot of fun. 151 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,027 I hope you guys aren't freaked out by my appearance 152 00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:37,529 or lack of social skills and money. 153 00:06:37,596 --> 00:06:40,064 Hardly. We're part of a new wave of Kappa Kappa Tau, 154 00:06:40,132 --> 00:06:42,433 one filled with true sisterhood and acceptance. 155 00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:44,936 Zayday here is gonna be president of this place someday. 156 00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:46,504 Come on. Let's go mingle, babies. 157 00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,106 I'll catch up. 158 00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:50,341 By the way, you guys seem really nice. 159 00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:53,044 I've always said that being nice is a really good quality. 160 00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,913 It could save your life one day. 161 00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:56,247 Hmm. 162 00:06:56,315 --> 00:06:57,715 Great. 163 00:06:57,783 --> 00:06:59,884 And so it came to be 164 00:06:59,952 --> 00:07:02,887 that Hester Ulrich, daughter of Sophia Doyle, 165 00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:05,690 returned to Kappa House to get her revenge. 166 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,692 And that was the night it all started. 167 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,727 And tonight, it all ends. 168 00:07:09,795 --> 00:07:11,729 Order is restored, as they say. 169 00:07:11,797 --> 00:07:13,531 More than restored... reborn. 170 00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:16,601 Now I have some true sisters, some real family. 171 00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:18,937 The only dad I ever had was the asylum. 172 00:07:19,004 --> 00:07:21,172 My only family were those nutburgers Gigi and Boone. 173 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,374 But now I know who my real dad is 174 00:07:23,442 --> 00:07:25,710 and my real half-sister, even if they don't. 175 00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:27,212 And the best part is 176 00:07:27,279 --> 00:07:28,646 that that isn't even the best part. 177 00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:30,582 Well, that isn't the best part either. 178 00:07:30,649 --> 00:07:33,117 The best part is who isn't up here with us. 179 00:07:33,185 --> 00:07:35,119 Yep. No Chanels. 180 00:07:35,187 --> 00:07:37,422 I mean, someone had to take all the blame. 181 00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:38,923 Right? 182 00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:42,930 _ 183 00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:46,769 You're probably thinking, what kind of person 184 00:07:46,837 --> 00:07:48,904 could drive a six-inch stiletto into her own eye socket? 185 00:07:48,972 --> 00:07:50,072 Hester, it's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay. 186 00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:51,774 Can we save the shoe? 187 00:07:51,842 --> 00:07:53,876 A person who did her homework, that's who! 188 00:07:55,946 --> 00:07:59,114 First, I had to get an X-ray of my own skull. 189 00:07:59,182 --> 00:08:02,218 Then, I had to calculate the proper length of the heel, 190 00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:03,752 the angle of the insertion, 191 00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:05,588 with just the right amount of force 192 00:08:05,655 --> 00:08:08,657 to slip behind the eyeball without damaging the socket. 193 00:08:08,725 --> 00:08:10,659 Also, it helps to be completely frickin' insane. 194 00:08:14,264 --> 00:08:15,931 Because for a plan like this to work, 195 00:08:15,999 --> 00:08:19,835 you have to be willing to totally commit. 196 00:08:21,571 --> 00:08:23,672 I mean, desperate times call for desperate measures. 197 00:08:23,740 --> 00:08:25,574 This was the price I had to pay if I wanted 198 00:08:25,642 --> 00:08:28,410 to get away with murder and pin it all on someone else. 199 00:08:32,849 --> 00:08:33,749 The Red Devil! 200 00:08:36,219 --> 00:08:39,755 Because some people don't deserve to just get murdered. 201 00:08:39,823 --> 00:08:41,757 They need to be truly punished. 202 00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:42,958 I didn't do it, I swear! 203 00:08:43,026 --> 00:08:45,060 Oh, please, we all know the guy from Nickelback 204 00:08:45,128 --> 00:08:47,229 did not, in fact, swipe right on your profile. 205 00:08:47,297 --> 00:08:50,833 Uh, yes, he did, okay? Nickelback is in town playing some kid's bat mitzvah. 206 00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:52,935 Please! It was clearly a ruse 207 00:08:53,003 --> 00:08:55,804 so you could sneak back into the house and kill Number Six! 208 00:08:55,872 --> 00:08:57,606 I would never, Chanel! 209 00:08:57,674 --> 00:08:58,674 I'm one of the good guys! 210 00:08:58,742 --> 00:09:00,075 Look, I-I know, 211 00:09:00,143 --> 00:09:01,877 I know that I can be socially awkward 212 00:09:01,945 --> 00:09:04,079 and-and a little bit off-putting 213 00:09:04,147 --> 00:09:06,882 and that most people find it very difficult to be around me, 214 00:09:06,950 --> 00:09:08,217 but you know me, Chanel. 215 00:09:08,285 --> 00:09:10,119 I'm not the killer. 216 00:09:10,186 --> 00:09:12,087 Um, excuse me? 217 00:09:12,155 --> 00:09:13,789 I think you're a serial killer 218 00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,324 because I know you, Number Five! 219 00:09:15,392 --> 00:09:16,425 You bite your own toenails. 220 00:09:16,493 --> 00:09:18,127 Okay, I am flexible. 221 00:09:18,194 --> 00:09:20,796 Why would I waste my money buying toenail clippers 222 00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:23,065 when God already blessed me with toenail clippers 223 00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:25,434 in the form of teeth in my mouth?! 224 00:09:25,502 --> 00:09:27,803 It's awfully convenient that you're the one who noticed 225 00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:28,904 Number Two's body went missing. 226 00:09:28,972 --> 00:09:30,472 Maybe you knew it was gone 227 00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:32,441 'cause you'd already taken it to the house on Shady Lane. 228 00:09:32,509 --> 00:09:34,810 Look, we should all just stay up 229 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,279 and wait until Number Five gets tired and passes out. 230 00:09:37,347 --> 00:09:39,548 She confesses all sorts of crazy stuff in her sleep. 231 00:09:39,616 --> 00:09:42,017 She and I were roommates the first year we lived in the house. 232 00:09:42,085 --> 00:09:43,819 I unlocked the brakes on Grandma's wheelchair 233 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,721 so that she would slide down the driveway into the traffic. 234 00:09:45,789 --> 00:09:46,956 Shut up! 235 00:09:47,023 --> 00:09:48,724 Go to sleep! 236 00:09:48,792 --> 00:09:51,694 When I fart, I cup it in my hand and smell it. 237 00:09:51,761 --> 00:09:54,363 Dear God, shut up! 238 00:09:54,431 --> 00:09:56,799 Wait a minute. Everybody, shut up! 239 00:09:56,866 --> 00:09:58,167 I know what happened. 240 00:09:58,234 --> 00:09:59,568 You killed Number Two 241 00:09:59,636 --> 00:10:01,537 and confessed it in your sleep to Roger and Dodger 242 00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:04,340 after a hot night of letting them Eiffel Tower you. 243 00:10:04,407 --> 00:10:06,742 And once you knew that they both knew, 244 00:10:06,810 --> 00:10:08,243 you realized you'd have to kill them! 245 00:10:08,311 --> 00:10:09,712 Oh. 246 00:10:09,779 --> 00:10:11,880 Oh, I see where this is going. 247 00:10:11,948 --> 00:10:13,782 You're gonna try and pin all of these murders on me 248 00:10:13,850 --> 00:10:15,351 so I spend the rest of my life in prison. 249 00:10:15,418 --> 00:10:17,586 Oh, no, my friend. 250 00:10:17,654 --> 00:10:20,189 You... are going to the electric chair. 251 00:10:20,256 --> 00:10:22,758 No! 252 00:10:22,826 --> 00:10:24,927 Do they still use those? 253 00:10:24,995 --> 00:10:26,562 Uh-huh. 254 00:10:26,630 --> 00:10:27,596 Okay. 255 00:10:27,664 --> 00:10:30,599 Well, thank you for letting me know. 256 00:10:30,667 --> 00:10:32,368 Well, well, well. 257 00:10:32,435 --> 00:10:34,136 This just in. 258 00:10:34,204 --> 00:10:37,373 Police Chief Denise Hemphill just got a call. 259 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,109 A decomposing male body was found 260 00:10:40,176 --> 00:10:43,879 with rippling abs and a possible gay face 261 00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:48,784 that appears to be a match for one Boone Clemens. 262 00:10:48,852 --> 00:10:52,187 That's right, y'all! Hot damn, shazam! 263 00:10:52,255 --> 00:10:54,189 Boone is dead. 264 00:10:54,257 --> 00:10:56,759 Excuse me for a second while I drop the mic. 265 00:10:56,826 --> 00:11:00,129 We already knew Boone was dead. Pete admitted to killing him. 266 00:11:00,196 --> 00:11:02,031 Okay, well, excuse me 267 00:11:02,098 --> 00:11:04,233 for trying to reiterate the facts 268 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,101 and get us all on the same page. 269 00:11:06,169 --> 00:11:09,938 I mean, after all, I am just the chief of the whole damn police department. 270 00:11:10,006 --> 00:11:11,940 Okay, look, this is all so insane. 271 00:11:12,008 --> 00:11:15,210 Look, we can all freely admit that Number Five is fairly odd, 272 00:11:15,278 --> 00:11:16,612 but she is not the killer. 273 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:17,780 The killer is Hester. 274 00:11:17,847 --> 00:11:19,948 Yes, and the proof is in her files. 275 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,789 The only proof you need is this hole in my head. 276 00:11:28,024 --> 00:11:29,358 Good news. 277 00:11:29,426 --> 00:11:33,429 Chanel enough to pierce my orbital socket. 278 00:11:33,496 --> 00:11:34,863 The doctors were able to save my eyeball, 279 00:11:34,931 --> 00:11:36,832 and they said that I'm gonna make a full recovery. 280 00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:39,034 No, that can't be true. You're the killer! 281 00:11:39,102 --> 00:11:41,937 Your entire life story is totally fabricated. 282 00:11:42,005 --> 00:11:45,874 Just look at her insane, obviously made-up, high school transcript. 283 00:11:45,942 --> 00:11:47,676 I'm very embarrassed about that. 284 00:11:47,744 --> 00:11:50,679 Yes, it's true, I falsified my high school transcripts, 285 00:11:50,747 --> 00:11:53,515 but only to cover up the fact that I was homeschooled. 286 00:11:53,583 --> 00:11:54,883 Mm. 287 00:11:54,951 --> 00:11:56,318 I-I was afraid that if people found out, 288 00:11:56,386 --> 00:11:57,820 they wouldn't ask me to join a sorority. 289 00:11:57,887 --> 00:12:00,289 Liar! You are the baby in the bathtub. 290 00:12:00,356 --> 00:12:01,924 You look just like Boone. 291 00:12:01,991 --> 00:12:05,461 And Pete told us that your DNA matched Boone and my dad. 292 00:12:05,528 --> 00:12:08,864 Are you talking about the same Pete who admitted to being one of the killers? 293 00:12:08,932 --> 00:12:10,365 He's just making that all up 294 00:12:10,433 --> 00:12:13,669 to cover for his real partner in crime, Chanel 295 00:12:13,737 --> 00:12:14,703 No. 296 00:12:14,771 --> 00:12:16,705 Well, then how do you explain the fact 297 00:12:16,773 --> 00:12:20,109 that there's absolutely no records on your parents anywhere? 298 00:12:20,176 --> 00:12:21,310 Ugh! 299 00:12:21,377 --> 00:12:23,679 I think the answer to that is at the door. 300 00:12:27,617 --> 00:12:28,550 What? 301 00:12:30,220 --> 00:12:32,054 - Sweetheart. - Hester? 302 00:12:32,122 --> 00:12:33,822 Oh, sweetheart, are you okay? 303 00:12:33,890 --> 00:12:35,090 Stepfather. 304 00:12:35,158 --> 00:12:36,558 We came as soon as we heard. 305 00:12:36,626 --> 00:12:38,894 Oh, Mother. Cuddlebear. 306 00:12:38,962 --> 00:12:42,097 Everyone, these are my parents, Clark and Delight. 307 00:12:42,165 --> 00:12:46,201 Hester is our biological daughter. She definitely was not adopted. 308 00:12:46,269 --> 00:12:48,103 I have the stretch marks to prove it. 309 00:12:48,171 --> 00:12:50,539 That's right, we're prepared to corroborate 310 00:12:50,607 --> 00:12:53,108 everything my stepdaughter, Hester, has just said. 311 00:12:53,176 --> 00:12:54,710 Do I know you? 312 00:12:54,778 --> 00:12:58,447 Wait, hold on, there's no record of Hester's parents anywhere. 313 00:12:58,515 --> 00:13:02,184 That's because, until recently, my husband and I worked for the CIA. 314 00:13:02,252 --> 00:13:04,186 We were forced to remain deep undercover 315 00:13:04,254 --> 00:13:07,823 to protect Hester and Cuddlebear and the people who love them. 316 00:13:07,891 --> 00:13:09,391 Wait, I do know! I know where I know you from. 317 00:13:09,459 --> 00:13:10,993 You're from that prostate commercial. 318 00:13:11,060 --> 00:13:12,928 Can you say that line I love so much? 319 00:13:12,996 --> 00:13:14,696 Uh... 320 00:13:14,764 --> 00:13:17,199 "Thanks, MaxFlow, my stream's never been stronger." 321 00:13:17,267 --> 00:13:18,734 "Never been stronger," yes! I love that line! 322 00:13:18,802 --> 00:13:21,737 Well, in order to not blow their super-secret CIA covers, 323 00:13:21,805 --> 00:13:24,173 my parents sometimes work as actors in commercials. 324 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,307 Oh, yeah, yeah. 325 00:13:25,375 --> 00:13:26,775 Well, I want to talk to my parents, 326 00:13:26,843 --> 00:13:29,378 so they can explain to you how I am not a serial killer, 327 00:13:29,445 --> 00:13:30,846 nor am I the baby in the bathtub. 328 00:13:30,914 --> 00:13:33,615 Don't worry, I already called your parents. 329 00:13:34,884 --> 00:13:36,752 Ugh! 330 00:13:37,854 --> 00:13:39,488 Wha...? 331 00:13:40,623 --> 00:13:42,891 Mom and Dad! 332 00:13:42,959 --> 00:13:45,394 Hi! 333 00:13:45,461 --> 00:13:48,964 Can you please tell everybody how I wasn't adopted, 334 00:13:49,032 --> 00:13:51,133 nor am I a serial killer? 335 00:13:51,201 --> 00:13:54,603 So, we're not Chanel 336 00:13:54,671 --> 00:13:56,438 A woman named Gigi gave her to us 337 00:13:56,506 --> 00:13:58,607 after a sizable stint in a mental institution. 338 00:13:58,675 --> 00:13:59,541 What?! 339 00:13:59,609 --> 00:14:01,844 We took her in out of the kindness of our hearts. 340 00:14:01,911 --> 00:14:03,245 And also for the tax deduction. 341 00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:05,914 That's not true! 342 00:14:05,982 --> 00:14:07,916 All Gigi asked was that when the time came 343 00:14:07,984 --> 00:14:10,219 that we enroll our daughter at Wallace University 344 00:14:10,286 --> 00:14:12,221 and encourage her to pledge Kappa Kappa Tau. 345 00:14:12,288 --> 00:14:14,223 We tried to love her like our own, 346 00:14:14,290 --> 00:14:17,326 but, I mean... she's not great. 347 00:14:17,393 --> 00:14:19,561 And now that the truth is out that she's probably a murderer, 348 00:14:19,629 --> 00:14:21,129 we don't want to have anything to do with her. 349 00:14:21,197 --> 00:14:22,731 No! 350 00:14:22,799 --> 00:14:24,900 How could you do this to me?! 351 00:14:24,924 --> 00:14:26,769 _ 352 00:14:26,803 --> 00:14:28,804 I have to be honest, we've actually discussed doing 353 00:14:28,872 --> 00:14:30,772 exactly what you're proposing. 354 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,075 As soon as she learned to talk, I wanted to disown her. 355 00:14:33,142 --> 00:14:36,745 I mean, maybe she's the killer on campus, maybe she's not, 356 00:14:36,813 --> 00:14:38,814 - but she probably is, right? - Yeah. 357 00:14:38,882 --> 00:14:39,815 Yeah. I mean, she just sucks. 358 00:14:39,883 --> 00:14:40,849 Our daughter sucks. 359 00:14:41,951 --> 00:14:43,886 I can't believe what I'm hearing! 360 00:14:43,953 --> 00:14:45,320 Please tell them the truth. 361 00:14:45,388 --> 00:14:47,289 It is the truth, you frumpy monster. 362 00:14:48,124 --> 00:14:50,492 The psychologists said you probably wouldn't remember the asylum 363 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:51,894 on account of it being so traumatic. 364 00:14:51,961 --> 00:14:54,897 Your mind filled in the gaps with imagined memories 365 00:14:54,964 --> 00:14:57,799 - of growing up in our house. - But, sweetie, you're toxic, 366 00:14:57,867 --> 00:14:59,668 and you're bumming us out, so it's time for you to go. 367 00:14:59,736 --> 00:15:02,304 Okay, okay, I have heard enough. 368 00:15:02,372 --> 00:15:06,108 Now, I still believe that Zayday Williams is the killer. 369 00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:07,809 Okay. 370 00:15:07,877 --> 00:15:10,245 But this, this is real suspicious. 371 00:15:11,381 --> 00:15:16,151 So, Chanel 372 00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:17,452 What?! 373 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:18,854 You can't arrest me... don't you need, 374 00:15:18,922 --> 00:15:20,355 like, a warrant or something from a judge? 375 00:15:20,423 --> 00:15:21,790 What?! 376 00:15:21,858 --> 00:15:25,861 I'm the chief of the police department, and I can arrest whoever I want. 377 00:15:25,929 --> 00:15:27,362 And, little girl, you, 378 00:15:27,430 --> 00:15:30,132 you got the right to remain silent. 379 00:15:30,199 --> 00:15:32,834 And you got some other rights that come after that, 380 00:15:32,902 --> 00:15:34,036 and I don't know what they are, 381 00:15:34,103 --> 00:15:36,338 'cause I don't remember what I'm supposed to say 382 00:15:36,406 --> 00:15:38,707 after "You got the right to remain silent," but come on! 383 00:15:38,775 --> 00:15:39,841 Wait, I'm not finished. 384 00:15:40,877 --> 00:15:42,811 She's not the only killer. 385 00:15:42,879 --> 00:15:46,748 You also need to arrest... Chanel 386 00:15:49,829 --> 00:15:51,624 Wait, you think I'm the killer? 387 00:15:51,624 --> 00:15:54,225 I know for a fact that you're working hand-in-hand 388 00:15:54,293 --> 00:15:56,461 with Chanel killing brother Boone, 389 00:15:56,886 --> 00:15:58,887 and that your first victim was Deaf Taylor Swift. 390 00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,459 What? That's impossible. 391 00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,628 When the pledges were buried up to their necks in the backyard, 392 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,264 I was sipping banana daiquiris at the White Stallion. 393 00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:08,433 Well, yeah, you came to the White Stallion with us, 394 00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:10,168 but then you disappeared as soon as we got there. 395 00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:11,603 Care to elaborate, Number Three? 396 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,004 I can explain. 397 00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:16,708 When I got to the bar, I realized my stomach was really bothering me. 398 00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:18,142 I thought maybe someone had put something in my drink 399 00:16:18,210 --> 00:16:21,412 because I was tting mad cramps, and I knew it was gonna be trouble. 400 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,414 I was past needing to go number two. 401 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,483 I needed to go number three. 402 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,588 But the bathrooms at the White Stallion are freakin' disgusting. 403 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,657 There was no way I was gonna lay down some pipe in there. 404 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:35,927 So I went back to Kappa House and I destroyed the bathroom upstairs. 405 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:36,861 But I didn't kill anyone. 406 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,263 Hmm, so let me get this straight. 407 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,265 You're accusing someone here in Kappa House 408 00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:43,268 of putting laxatives in your cocktail? 409 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:44,435 Messing with somebody's regularity? 410 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:46,604 That's downright criminal. 411 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,606 I just don't understand how deep the hole's supposed to be. 412 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:51,609 Whore deep! What kind of a question is that?! 413 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,545 Useless. 414 00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:56,047 Hmm, but let's say 415 00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:57,682 you aren't lying and that you didn't 416 00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,417 mow Deaf Taylor Swift's head off. 417 00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:03,321 I know for a fact that you killed Predatory Lez. 418 00:17:03,389 --> 00:17:03,964 No, I didn't. 419 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,715 You know, when you sent her down there to die 420 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:08,426 because you were too ashamed of your feelings for her, 421 00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:10,094 I went down there to check on her, 422 00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:12,697 when I caught a glimpse of someone running up the stairs, 423 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,899 and they were wearing earmuffs! 424 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,768 - You're lying! - That's just what I saw. 425 00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:18,670 Well, just saying you saw something isn't evidence. 426 00:17:18,737 --> 00:17:21,272 No, you right, it's not evidence. 427 00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:22,907 But it is suspicious. 428 00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:24,309 You know why? 429 00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,311 'Cause you the only one in here wearing earmuffs! 430 00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,046 Yeah, I know. 431 00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:32,317 Let's not forget the most suspicious fact of all. 432 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:33,618 You're Charles Manson's daughter. 433 00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,219 Uh, say what, now?! 434 00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:37,922 And you have a shoebox full of letters from him 435 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:41,292 giving you advice on how to kill your friends. 436 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:42,794 Wait, Number Three, is that true? 437 00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:44,295 I can explain. 438 00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:47,598 Yes, I've become pen pals with my biological father, Charles Manson. 439 00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:49,500 I wanted my real dad to help me 440 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,502 with some growing-up stuff, like how to French-kiss a boy 441 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,439 or how to know when I've met Mr. or Miss Right. 442 00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:56,474 But when he writes back, his advice is always, 443 00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:58,309 "Maybe you should murder some of your sorority sisters." 444 00:17:58,377 --> 00:17:59,644 Why don't you go ahead and read us one? 445 00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:00,978 Mm-hmm. 446 00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:02,380 "Precious daughter, 447 00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:04,916 "I'm sorry I don't know anything about yeast infections, 448 00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:06,417 "but I did see an incredible story on the news 449 00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:08,553 about, uh, a pizza guy who had a bomb strapped to him." 450 00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:09,721 What? 451 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:11,289 "I'm totes sad that I can't order 452 00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:13,324 "a pizza to the penitentiary and strap a bomb to the pizza guy, 453 00:18:13,392 --> 00:18:15,593 but that doesn't mean y-you can't." 454 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:19,964 Oh, man. That's real suspicious. 455 00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:21,399 I-I'm telling you, I didn't kill anybody. 456 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:22,767 Well, maybe you didn't, 457 00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,335 but your split personality did. 458 00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:26,938 I have a signed letter here from your psychiatrist. 459 00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:28,339 I've never been to a psychiatrist. 460 00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:30,108 Well, your split personality has. 461 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:31,309 It says right here. 462 00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:32,710 "Dear Hester, 463 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:37,148 "yes, I treated Chanel split personality disorder 464 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,317 "over the course of about eight months. 465 00:18:39,385 --> 00:18:41,953 "She showed up at my office in a leather jacket, 466 00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:44,455 "claiming her name was Dirty Helen 467 00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,124 "and that she was the leader 468 00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:48,526 "of a notorious West Coast biker gang. 469 00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:50,695 "Dirty Helen made threats against my family, 470 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:54,932 "and I was forced to move my practice out of the country. 471 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,435 Signed, Dr. Adam Berkel, MD." 472 00:18:57,503 --> 00:18:59,237 Oh, my God, so you're saying 473 00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,439 that Dirty Helen could have killed Sam and Deaf Taylor Swift 474 00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:04,275 and I would have no memory of killing them or receiving treatment? 475 00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:05,843 That's exactly how a split personality works. 476 00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:08,846 Chanel she was the baby in the bathtub, 477 00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:12,383 and then she convinced your split personality to join her on a killing spree. 478 00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,386 So, Dirty Helen, I'm the other baby in the bathtub, 479 00:19:15,454 --> 00:19:17,522 and I want you to join my killing spree. 480 00:19:17,589 --> 00:19:20,391 Okay, cool. But let's not tell Chanel 481 00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:22,493 This conversation never took place! 482 00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:24,729 Yeah, but if it did, I wouldn't remember 483 00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:27,465 'cause you were talking to my evil split personality, Dirty Helen. 484 00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:30,668 Okay, Chanel 485 00:19:31,603 --> 00:19:32,804 Sam, wherever you are, 486 00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:35,706 I'm so sorry my split personality murdered you! 487 00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:37,041 Wait! 488 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,410 There's someone else you need to arrest, too. 489 00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:41,379 Chanel Oberlin! 490 00:19:45,613 --> 00:19:47,687 - What? - Excuse me. 491 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,656 Uh, if you're gonna just continue to accuse everyone, 492 00:19:50,724 --> 00:19:51,857 could we at least sit down? 493 00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:54,093 Liam, we're gonna lose our reservation. 494 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,095 Uh, it's all really interesting though. 495 00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:58,097 I have proof that you, Chanel Oberlin, 496 00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,499 entered a home improvement store two months ago 497 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,501 and purchased the following items... 498 00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:04,903 A garden shear, a riding mower, three chain saws, 499 00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:08,507 a pneumatic nail gun, two axes, and a crossbow. 500 00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,509 Okay, first of all, 501 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,511 I was the one who was shot with the crossbow! 502 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:15,347 And also they don't sell crossbows at home improvement centers! 503 00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:18,717 Oh, Chanel, the security footage begs to differ. 504 00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,624 It's also stated right here, 505 00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:29,128 in your Diners Club monthly statement. 506 00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,496 I'll take that, too. 507 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:31,830 What?! 508 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,565 I don't have a Diners Club card! 509 00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:35,868 Is Diners Club still even a thing? 510 00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,871 - I still keep one in my wallet for backup. - Mm. 511 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:41,907 I don't know why I'm the one who always has to bring this up, 512 00:20:41,975 --> 00:20:45,677 but we did all watch Chanel burn Ms. Bean's face off. 513 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,915 For the last time, 514 00:20:49,983 --> 00:20:52,050 that was a Hell Week prank gone wrong! 515 00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,786 I didn't know the oil was boiling! 516 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,053 Someone turned on that deep fryer! 517 00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:02,694 - I don't know. - And I did just 518 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:04,163 watch you try to murder Melanie Dorkus 519 00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:05,531 with a pair of scissors earlier this afternoon. 520 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:09,501 I only did that because I thought she was the killer! 521 00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:11,537 I mean, I'm telling you, I'm not the Red Devil! 522 00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:16,408 You bitch. What is your game here? 523 00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:18,710 I mean, I'm all for Number Five being the killer. 524 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:23,415 She's a weird psychopath who would look like Boone's homely, bloated sister 525 00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:25,717 if she let her horrible black roots grow out. 526 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,553 She probably is the baby in the bathtub. 527 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:31,623 And I am 100% not surprised that Chanel 528 00:21:31,691 --> 00:21:33,091 is also a psycho with a split personality, 529 00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:36,361 who is helping Number Five murder everybody! 530 00:21:36,429 --> 00:21:39,464 But why me?! I mean, I am a pillar of this community. 531 00:21:39,532 --> 00:21:41,733 I'm also already hot and rich. 532 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,569 What would I have to gain by hatching a plan 533 00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:45,704 to knock off a bunch of nameless dumb whores? 534 00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:47,739 I don't think that you did hatch the plan, Chanel. 535 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,108 But I think that once the murders started happening, 536 00:21:50,176 --> 00:21:52,511 you saw it as the perfect opportunity to knock off 537 00:21:52,579 --> 00:21:54,947 the pledges that you thought would ruin Kappa Kappa Tau. 538 00:21:55,014 --> 00:21:58,050 With each murdered pledge, this sorority house 539 00:21:58,117 --> 00:22:02,354 got closer to being the Kappa Tau that you always intended it to be! 540 00:22:02,422 --> 00:22:03,589 Oh, yeah? 541 00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:06,925 Well, then why didn't I kill the two pledges I actually hate... 542 00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:08,727 dumb-ass Grace and stupid Zayday? 543 00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:10,863 Plausible deniability! You knew by keeping 544 00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:13,599 these two alive that it would keep everyone off your scent. 545 00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:14,700 No! 546 00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:16,568 Come on, Cyclops. 547 00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:20,272 In the sleuthing business, that's what we call ice-cold logic. 548 00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:23,709 It's obvious when you look at it, Chanel, 549 00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:26,178 that everything that's happened on this campus so far 550 00:22:26,246 --> 00:22:29,581 is just the logical next step for sororities everywhere. 551 00:22:29,649 --> 00:22:33,085 Because what's murder if not the most perfect, ultimate form of hazing? 552 00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:36,822 What better way for you to knock off everyone that you hate, 553 00:22:36,890 --> 00:22:38,957 because they're different from you or not as popular 554 00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:42,160 or not as pretty, than to murder them one by one?! 555 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,034 Congratulations, Chanel. 556 00:22:50,337 --> 00:22:53,605 You almost got the Kappa House that you always dreamed of. 557 00:22:53,673 --> 00:22:58,477 This is what I like to call first-class entertainment. 558 00:22:58,544 --> 00:22:59,811 And I'd love nothing more 559 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,914 than to stand around here watching you all 560 00:23:01,981 --> 00:23:06,184 descend into a nightmare of accusation and recrimination. 561 00:23:06,252 --> 00:23:09,821 But I am here to represent the law. 562 00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:13,458 And unfortunately for you, Chanel Oberlin... 563 00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:17,429 aka one of the murderers... you are under arrest. 564 00:23:17,497 --> 00:23:18,797 You'll never take me alive! 565 00:23:19,866 --> 00:23:24,002 Time to call in the po-po. The chief of police is requesting backup. 566 00:23:39,819 --> 00:23:43,689 - Are these strippers? - They used to be strippers, okay? 567 00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:49,261 But, uh, super-sleuthing Chief of Police Denise Hemphill had 'em deputized. 568 00:23:49,329 --> 00:23:50,896 Get 'em, boys! 569 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,716 You rich, dumb hos are going downtown! 570 00:24:10,783 --> 00:24:12,150 Get 'em out of here! 571 00:24:12,218 --> 00:24:14,720 You can't! Wait, no! 572 00:24:16,155 --> 00:24:18,090 You can't! Wait, no, no! 573 00:24:20,259 --> 00:24:23,395 I still gots my eye on you, Zayday Williams! 574 00:24:32,415 --> 00:24:34,235 _ 575 00:24:34,746 --> 00:24:37,115 What a difference five months can make. 576 00:24:37,261 --> 00:24:39,195 Order on campus was restored. 577 00:24:39,594 --> 00:24:41,595 And when the Chanels were denied bail 578 00:24:41,663 --> 00:24:44,197 and sent to jail awaiting trial... 579 00:24:45,667 --> 00:24:48,602 I am holding you in contempt of court. 580 00:24:48,670 --> 00:24:50,303 Bail is revoked! 581 00:24:50,371 --> 00:24:52,439 ...justice had been served. 582 00:24:52,507 --> 00:24:54,641 Chad Radwell and Denise Hemphill 583 00:24:54,709 --> 00:24:56,943 continued their torrid love affair. 584 00:24:57,011 --> 00:24:59,212 It ceased to be just a booty call. 585 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,182 When they broke up, he was devastated. 586 00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:03,383 I'm sorry! 587 00:25:03,451 --> 00:25:05,185 I just don't understand how you just end it. 588 00:25:05,253 --> 00:25:07,487 Because we're chasing waterfalls! 589 00:25:07,555 --> 00:25:10,924 We got to stick to the rivers and the lakes that we used to! 590 00:25:10,992 --> 00:25:13,427 I thought we were in the marriage zone. 591 00:25:13,494 --> 00:25:16,063 I don't have a choice is what I'm telling you. 592 00:25:16,130 --> 00:25:18,198 I got to be in Quantico tomorrow. 593 00:25:18,266 --> 00:25:21,168 I know you need me. You need all of this. 594 00:25:21,235 --> 00:25:24,204 - But the FBI needs me more. - The FBI is not gonna have that. 595 00:25:24,272 --> 00:25:25,405 That's mine! 596 00:25:26,340 --> 00:25:28,408 - Denise, you hurt me real bad. - Don't do that. 597 00:25:28,476 --> 00:25:31,411 Wait, wait! No, no! Baby, please! 598 00:25:31,479 --> 00:25:32,879 Don't let it end like this. 599 00:25:34,248 --> 00:25:35,348 Don't do that to us. 600 00:25:35,416 --> 00:25:38,418 Come on. Come on, baby. 601 00:25:44,392 --> 00:25:46,560 Damn it, Denise. 602 00:25:46,627 --> 00:25:48,495 It was never gonna work out between us. 603 00:25:48,563 --> 00:25:51,264 We got too close to the sun, baby. 604 00:25:51,332 --> 00:25:53,433 We shined too bright. 605 00:25:53,501 --> 00:25:56,369 I promise I will never bang anyone the way I banged you. 606 00:25:56,437 --> 00:25:58,004 Boy, you gonna make me cry! 607 00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:07,614 Go. 608 00:26:07,682 --> 00:26:09,015 Just go! 609 00:26:09,083 --> 00:26:11,451 You don't want to look back at it? 610 00:26:11,519 --> 00:26:13,086 One more time? 611 00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:19,092 Go! 612 00:26:21,562 --> 00:26:24,097 Press outlets of the world, 613 00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:25,999 on behalf of all the Dickie Dollar Scholars 614 00:26:26,067 --> 00:26:28,468 who are no longer with us... 615 00:26:28,536 --> 00:26:32,005 I would like to announce the formation of... 616 00:26:32,073 --> 00:26:33,440 The Dickie Dollar Earl Grey 617 00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:35,609 Roger Dodger Caulfield Charitable Foundation, 618 00:26:35,676 --> 00:26:39,246 or the DDEGRDCCF. 619 00:26:40,414 --> 00:26:42,249 From henceforth, all proceeds 620 00:26:42,316 --> 00:26:43,884 from every Dollar Scholar kegger, 621 00:26:43,951 --> 00:26:47,387 wet T-shirt contest, coed mud wrestling tournament 622 00:26:47,455 --> 00:26:48,989 and Jell-O shot gavage 623 00:26:49,056 --> 00:26:51,391 will go... that's right... 624 00:26:51,459 --> 00:26:53,226 to charity. 625 00:26:54,395 --> 00:26:56,163 What's up? 626 00:26:56,230 --> 00:26:59,332 What charity will the Dollar Scholars be pledging to support? 627 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,403 What do you mean, "what charity"? Just charity. 628 00:27:03,471 --> 00:27:04,938 All proceeds will go to charity. 629 00:27:05,006 --> 00:27:07,440 Yes, uh, but which charity? 630 00:27:07,508 --> 00:27:11,244 Uh... I-I don't know. 631 00:27:11,312 --> 00:27:13,446 All of them? 632 00:27:13,514 --> 00:27:15,682 Okay, you know, I'm not a big fan of gotcha questions, dude! 633 00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:17,684 My friends are dead! I have nothing left! 634 00:27:17,752 --> 00:27:19,486 Nothing! 635 00:27:19,554 --> 00:27:20,954 Next question. 636 00:27:21,022 --> 00:27:25,992 As for me, I wrote up a quick book and became a media sensation. 637 00:27:26,060 --> 00:27:28,495 I was on the cover of Time, Newsweek 638 00:27:28,563 --> 00:27:30,530 and Men's Health. 639 00:27:30,598 --> 00:27:32,299 Well, I didn't write it. 640 00:27:32,366 --> 00:27:33,967 I had a ghostwriter do it. 641 00:27:34,035 --> 00:27:35,335 Okay, well, there you go. 642 00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:39,139 Dean Munsch, your book is an absolute revelation. 643 00:27:39,207 --> 00:27:41,408 Is there any way you could sum up your philosophy 644 00:27:41,475 --> 00:27:44,544 on new new feminism in just a few words? 645 00:27:44,612 --> 00:27:46,513 Um... 646 00:27:46,581 --> 00:27:50,517 if feminism was about demanding equal treatment for women, 647 00:27:50,585 --> 00:27:52,953 and new feminism was saying 648 00:27:53,020 --> 00:27:56,623 that men and women are integral complements to one another, 649 00:27:56,691 --> 00:28:00,527 then I guess we could sum up, uh, new new feminism 650 00:28:00,595 --> 00:28:03,663 really in three simple words... 651 00:28:03,731 --> 00:28:06,032 Women are better. 652 00:28:07,101 --> 00:28:09,970 I mean, the proof... it's right in front of us. 653 00:28:10,037 --> 00:28:12,405 If you think about all of human history, 654 00:28:12,473 --> 00:28:15,542 add up the wars and the genocide, 655 00:28:15,610 --> 00:28:18,078 all the oppression, the violence, the exploitation, 656 00:28:18,145 --> 00:28:22,415 the degradation of the human spirit, 657 00:28:22,483 --> 00:28:24,885 what do all those things have in common? 658 00:28:26,454 --> 00:28:27,854 Dudes. 659 00:28:27,922 --> 00:28:29,856 They have dudes in common, right? 660 00:28:29,924 --> 00:28:30,957 Yeah. 661 00:28:31,025 --> 00:28:36,096 So maybe, just maybe, it's not just places like Wallace University 662 00:28:36,163 --> 00:28:38,365 that are better off with a woman in charge. 663 00:28:38,432 --> 00:28:42,202 Maybe we'd be better off if a woman was charge... 664 00:28:42,270 --> 00:28:43,270 Everywhere! 665 00:28:43,337 --> 00:28:44,971 Exactly! 666 00:28:47,441 --> 00:28:50,877 Thank you. Thank you. 667 00:28:50,945 --> 00:28:55,849 The culture at this university has been changed for the better. 668 00:28:55,917 --> 00:28:58,184 It's true, a lot of people had to die 669 00:28:58,252 --> 00:29:01,855 to make that happen, but I often catch myself thinking, 670 00:29:01,923 --> 00:29:05,058 "You know what? Maybe it was worth it." 671 00:29:05,082 --> 00:29:10,934 _ 672 00:29:11,499 --> 00:29:14,234 Girls, I am thrilled 673 00:29:14,302 --> 00:29:15,635 that you've taken the initiative 674 00:29:15,703 --> 00:29:18,305 to do the upkeep for our new memorial. 675 00:29:18,372 --> 00:29:20,807 Well, we decided it was the least Kappa could do. 676 00:29:20,875 --> 00:29:23,443 Considering Kappa is kind of the reason they're all dead. 677 00:29:23,511 --> 00:29:24,811 Isn't it so beautiful? 678 00:29:24,879 --> 00:29:26,313 And so nice of the Radwells 679 00:29:26,380 --> 00:29:28,448 to donate the money to commission it 680 00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:29,983 and have it built so quickly? 681 00:29:30,051 --> 00:29:34,788 Yeah, I'm-I'm not sure I'm fully committed to the design. 682 00:29:34,855 --> 00:29:38,325 Oh, and I should've never let Chad write the inscription. 683 00:29:38,392 --> 00:29:41,328 But I suppose money still talks. 684 00:29:41,395 --> 00:29:43,697 Yeah, well, we've got to get going 685 00:29:43,764 --> 00:29:46,099 because I am planning a "get your yummies in 686 00:29:46,167 --> 00:29:47,600 and your feelings out" baking party at the house tonight. 687 00:29:47,668 --> 00:29:49,302 We're gonna make cookies and brownies, 688 00:29:49,370 --> 00:29:51,604 and eat them while we talk about our feelings. 689 00:29:51,672 --> 00:29:54,474 Hester, you think you can finish up the rest of this? 690 00:29:54,542 --> 00:29:55,875 Make sure my boy Earl gets some extra love. 691 00:29:55,943 --> 00:29:57,944 Yeah. 692 00:29:59,046 --> 00:30:02,549 - Well, that just sounds awful. - I don't know. 693 00:30:02,616 --> 00:30:04,351 I for one prefer the saccharine banality of life 694 00:30:04,418 --> 00:30:06,519 under Grace and Zayday to the toxic sludge 695 00:30:06,587 --> 00:30:09,990 the Chanels force-fed us every day like we were pâtéd geese. 696 00:30:10,057 --> 00:30:11,925 Yeah, I suppose I agree. 697 00:30:11,993 --> 00:30:15,729 But what happened here to those poor kids and the others was... 698 00:30:15,796 --> 00:30:17,731 was truly awful. 699 00:30:17,798 --> 00:30:19,432 I mean, it was an American tragedy. 700 00:30:20,835 --> 00:30:23,770 At least some good came out of all of that evil. 701 00:30:23,838 --> 00:30:25,405 Oh, more than some, Dean. 702 00:30:25,473 --> 00:30:28,541 I-I read your best-selling New York Times book three times. 703 00:30:28,609 --> 00:30:31,544 Th-These kids were martyrs for a much bigger cause. 704 00:30:36,050 --> 00:30:39,619 I know it was you, Hester. 705 00:30:39,687 --> 00:30:41,388 I remember that little girl's face 706 00:30:41,455 --> 00:30:43,056 in the bathroom that night. 707 00:30:45,459 --> 00:30:47,394 Burned into my memory, 708 00:30:47,461 --> 00:30:50,563 like Joe Theismann's injury and Two Girls One Cup. 709 00:30:50,631 --> 00:30:55,268 I remember every detail of her little face. 710 00:30:55,336 --> 00:30:58,938 And I certainly would know what she would look like all grown up. 711 00:31:01,475 --> 00:31:04,677 It's not my fault that all of that happened to me. 712 00:31:04,745 --> 00:31:06,679 You see how awesome Wes is. 713 00:31:08,298 --> 00:31:09,281 He would've been my dad. 714 00:31:10,484 --> 00:31:11,918 I would've had a good life. 715 00:31:11,986 --> 00:31:13,453 Maybe if I would've had a real dad, 716 00:31:13,521 --> 00:31:15,321 my brother wouldn't have turned into such a douche. 717 00:31:15,389 --> 00:31:18,558 Maybe family trips to ski in Innsbruck or to Williamstown to see 718 00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:20,760 Tim Daly in Death of a Salesman would've turned me 719 00:31:20,828 --> 00:31:23,396 into a much more sane young woman. 720 00:31:23,464 --> 00:31:24,898 But that didn't happen. 721 00:31:24,965 --> 00:31:26,399 And I can't be blamed 722 00:31:26,467 --> 00:31:28,568 for the painful circumstances of my upbringing. 723 00:31:28,636 --> 00:31:30,904 No, but those kids died. 724 00:31:30,971 --> 00:31:34,307 They're dead. And that is your fault. 725 00:31:34,375 --> 00:31:36,009 I didn't kill any of these kids. 726 00:31:36,077 --> 00:31:38,278 Except for Pete, but he's a killer, so that's allowed. 727 00:31:38,345 --> 00:31:39,913 By the state, Hester. 728 00:31:40,743 --> 00:31:43,550 After a trial and lengthy appeals 729 00:31:43,617 --> 00:31:45,819 and using drugs that are mostly painless. 730 00:31:45,886 --> 00:31:47,787 It all worked out, Dean. 731 00:31:47,855 --> 00:31:49,322 And I'm never gonna kill again. 732 00:31:49,390 --> 00:31:50,824 As long as I'm not texting and driving. 733 00:31:51,527 --> 00:31:54,160 Everyone got what they wanted. 734 00:31:54,603 --> 00:31:57,430 And even if the Chanels didn't actually kill any of these people, 735 00:31:57,498 --> 00:31:59,666 they perpetuated the system that created me 736 00:31:59,733 --> 00:32:02,669 and my brother, Pete and Gigi. 737 00:32:02,736 --> 00:32:05,905 So if anyone should pay for this, it should be them. 738 00:32:05,973 --> 00:32:08,408 I also have a conscience, 739 00:32:08,476 --> 00:32:12,345 and a responsibility to all those dead kids, 740 00:32:12,413 --> 00:32:16,282 that their killer be brought to justice. 741 00:32:16,350 --> 00:32:19,986 So I am gonna turn you in, Hester. 742 00:32:22,123 --> 00:32:24,357 Then I'm gonna turn you in, 743 00:32:24,425 --> 00:32:27,360 for covering up the murder of my mother 744 00:32:27,428 --> 00:32:29,729 and killing your ex-husband. 745 00:32:31,866 --> 00:32:34,734 Or we could just say we're good... 746 00:32:34,802 --> 00:32:35,969 and move on. 747 00:32:37,638 --> 00:32:41,741 To our very happy and successful 748 00:32:41,809 --> 00:32:43,877 best-selling lives. 749 00:32:49,519 --> 00:32:51,145 - Okay. - Okay, great. 750 00:32:52,076 --> 00:32:54,621 - Take care. - You, too. See ya. 751 00:33:03,521 --> 00:33:05,288 This is the "Sophia Doyle 752 00:33:05,356 --> 00:33:08,124 I Just Had a Baby and Don't Know What to Do" hotline center. 753 00:33:08,192 --> 00:33:11,127 Now, any girl in the situation that Sophia found herself in 754 00:33:11,195 --> 00:33:13,329 in that bathtub 20 years ago has a lifeline. 755 00:33:13,397 --> 00:33:14,798 Someone she can call for help. 756 00:33:14,865 --> 00:33:17,467 I mean, of course, the girls who find her can also call as well. 757 00:33:17,535 --> 00:33:18,902 We just want to make sure 758 00:33:18,969 --> 00:33:21,604 that nothing like this ever happens on campus again. 759 00:33:21,672 --> 00:33:22,906 Yeah. 760 00:33:22,973 --> 00:33:25,709 Well, it certainly is specific. 761 00:33:25,776 --> 00:33:26,710 Yeah. 762 00:33:26,777 --> 00:33:28,278 How's it going so far? 763 00:33:28,345 --> 00:33:29,612 Um... 764 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:31,581 not a lot of activity yet. 765 00:33:31,649 --> 00:33:34,384 - Right. - Yeah. 766 00:33:34,452 --> 00:33:36,119 Well, you know, with all the changes 767 00:33:36,187 --> 00:33:38,288 that you guys have facilitated all over the campus, 768 00:33:38,355 --> 00:33:42,592 maybe the next girl who has surprise twins at a party won't have to call for help. 769 00:33:42,660 --> 00:33:45,528 Her friends will just now know not to let her bleed to death, 770 00:33:45,596 --> 00:33:47,397 because it's the right thing to do. 771 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,134 Hey. 772 00:33:51,202 --> 00:33:53,236 Um, I'm really proud of you, Gracie. 773 00:33:55,272 --> 00:33:56,606 I-I want to give you a present. 774 00:33:56,674 --> 00:33:58,074 Something to acknowledge, you know, 775 00:33:58,142 --> 00:33:59,542 all the hard work that you've done this year. 776 00:33:59,610 --> 00:34:01,611 Wait, Dad. 777 00:34:01,679 --> 00:34:03,546 Are you getting me a car? 778 00:34:03,614 --> 00:34:05,515 What? No. 779 00:34:05,583 --> 00:34:06,616 No. 780 00:34:06,684 --> 00:34:07,617 No, what-what... 781 00:34:07,685 --> 00:34:08,785 are you out of your mind? 782 00:34:08,853 --> 00:34:10,453 No. No. Trust. 783 00:34:10,521 --> 00:34:12,856 Trust, Gracie. I-I'm giving you my trust. 784 00:34:12,923 --> 00:34:13,957 Oh. 785 00:34:14,024 --> 00:34:16,426 Oh, well, that's cool, too. 786 00:34:16,494 --> 00:34:17,527 Yeah. 787 00:34:17,595 --> 00:34:19,863 You know, I-I just, I-I never... 788 00:34:19,930 --> 00:34:22,599 I never actually gave you the chance to matriculate here. 789 00:34:22,666 --> 00:34:24,801 I mean, as a student, sure, but not as a woman. 790 00:34:24,869 --> 00:34:27,270 I mean, I was stalking you outside of the sorority house, 791 00:34:27,338 --> 00:34:30,607 I got a job in the department so I could keep my eye on you. 792 00:34:30,674 --> 00:34:34,077 And I never really trusted you to take care of yourself. 793 00:34:34,145 --> 00:34:38,615 Well, clearly, I was wrong about that. 794 00:34:38,682 --> 00:34:41,751 - So does this mean you're leaving? - Well, Dean Munsch, um... 795 00:34:43,087 --> 00:34:44,654 ...Cathy, uh... 796 00:34:44,722 --> 00:34:46,589 I can't stop calling her that, especially because 797 00:34:46,657 --> 00:34:48,691 she likes me to call her "Dean Munsch" in bed. 798 00:34:48,759 --> 00:34:52,061 Uh, anyway, Cathy and I, we're going to Napa for a couple of weeks. 799 00:34:52,129 --> 00:34:54,097 We're gonna, we're gonna suck down some deep cabs, 800 00:34:54,165 --> 00:34:57,100 eat some rich blues and... well, I don't know, 801 00:34:57,168 --> 00:34:59,469 pretend to make, uh, a lot of babies. 802 00:34:59,537 --> 00:35:01,104 Mm. 803 00:35:03,207 --> 00:35:05,909 I think you need your space. You've earned it. 804 00:35:05,976 --> 00:35:07,710 I love you, Dad. 805 00:35:10,714 --> 00:35:12,682 Should we do one of our counting good-byes? 806 00:35:12,750 --> 00:35:14,818 No, that's just for sad good-byes. 807 00:35:14,885 --> 00:35:16,519 Okay. 808 00:35:16,587 --> 00:35:17,687 One, two, three. 809 00:35:17,755 --> 00:35:20,023 - One, two, three. - Dad... 810 00:35:23,761 --> 00:35:25,461 All rise. 811 00:35:29,500 --> 00:35:30,667 Be seated. 812 00:35:31,769 --> 00:35:34,337 Has the jury reached a verdict? 813 00:35:34,405 --> 00:35:35,338 We have, Your Honor. 814 00:35:35,406 --> 00:35:38,908 We, the jury, find the defendants... 815 00:35:38,976 --> 00:35:40,844 Objection! 816 00:35:40,911 --> 00:35:42,712 There is no more objections. The trial is over. 817 00:35:42,780 --> 00:35:46,316 - What? When did that happen? - You were asleep. 818 00:35:46,383 --> 00:35:48,651 Judge Joe Brown, we, the Chanels, 819 00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:51,321 hereby declare this trial a farce. 820 00:35:51,388 --> 00:35:56,960 I was under the impression that I had the inalienable right to a jury of my peers. 821 00:35:57,027 --> 00:35:58,294 Look at these hippos. 822 00:35:58,362 --> 00:36:01,130 These are not my peers. 823 00:36:01,198 --> 00:36:03,666 I'm a hot, rich, skinny chick, which makes me 824 00:36:03,734 --> 00:36:06,469 entitled to a jury of hot, rich, skinny chicks 825 00:36:06,537 --> 00:36:07,737 to see how awesome I am 826 00:36:07,805 --> 00:36:12,008 and to see that the three of us are innocent! 827 00:36:12,076 --> 00:36:13,343 Your-Your Honor! 828 00:36:13,410 --> 00:36:15,011 We, the jury, 829 00:36:15,079 --> 00:36:20,383 find that the defendants are guilty on all 47 counts. 830 00:36:26,590 --> 00:36:27,590 Order in the court! 831 00:36:27,658 --> 00:36:28,691 - Deal with that. - Order. 832 00:36:28,759 --> 00:36:31,427 This is a travesty, Judge Mathis. 833 00:36:31,495 --> 00:36:33,596 This is a kangaroo court. 834 00:36:33,664 --> 00:36:36,599 And I am choosing to ignore this verdict. 835 00:36:36,667 --> 00:36:38,201 What? You can't ignore the verdict. 836 00:36:38,269 --> 00:36:39,469 What verdict? 837 00:36:39,536 --> 00:36:41,070 See, this is me ignoring the verdict. 838 00:36:41,138 --> 00:36:43,973 For, like, the millionth time, 839 00:36:44,041 --> 00:36:46,409 my dad is super gross rich. 840 00:36:46,477 --> 00:36:47,810 Like, disgusting rich. 841 00:36:47,878 --> 00:36:50,380 He'll have me out of prison in no time. 842 00:36:50,447 --> 00:36:51,981 Chanel, your parents abandoned you. 843 00:36:52,049 --> 00:36:54,584 They legally disowned you three weeks ago 844 00:36:54,652 --> 00:36:57,420 and filed an amicus brief with the prosecution, 845 00:36:57,488 --> 00:37:00,023 stating that they think that you are a serial killer. 846 00:37:00,090 --> 00:37:02,158 They also want to sue you for the time 847 00:37:02,226 --> 00:37:04,027 that you drove your Range Rover into their living room 848 00:37:04,094 --> 00:37:06,496 because you didn't want to walk all the way up the driveway. 849 00:37:06,563 --> 00:37:08,431 It is such a long driveway. 850 00:37:08,499 --> 00:37:11,868 Don't worry, Ms. Oberlin. You ladies are not going to prison. 851 00:37:11,936 --> 00:37:13,903 Thank you. 852 00:37:13,971 --> 00:37:16,105 You're going to an asylum. 853 00:37:16,173 --> 00:37:17,307 What?! 854 00:37:19,376 --> 00:37:22,712 You know, you three are the worst human beings 855 00:37:22,780 --> 00:37:24,647 that I have ever encountered. 856 00:37:24,715 --> 00:37:28,785 You have absolutely no regard for anyone but yourselves. 857 00:37:28,852 --> 00:37:30,453 You're rude, entitled, 858 00:37:30,521 --> 00:37:33,823 narcissistic, racist and insane. 859 00:37:33,891 --> 00:37:38,428 You elected to represent yourselves in a capital murder case, 860 00:37:38,495 --> 00:37:41,464 despite lacking even a basic understanding of the law. 861 00:37:41,532 --> 00:37:45,802 And then, you-you mostly slept through your own trial. 862 00:37:45,869 --> 00:37:46,703 That's crazy. 863 00:37:46,770 --> 00:37:50,440 Your entire defense consisted of you screaming at the jury 864 00:37:50,507 --> 00:37:51,808 that you didn't kill anybody 865 00:37:51,875 --> 00:37:53,443 and then threatening to kill them 866 00:37:53,510 --> 00:37:54,711 if they found you guilty. 867 00:37:54,778 --> 00:37:57,747 That is crazy behavior. 868 00:37:57,815 --> 00:37:59,749 Chanel, you're crazy! 869 00:37:59,817 --> 00:38:01,617 Ladies, please stand. 870 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:04,487 Stand up! 871 00:38:06,790 --> 00:38:09,125 Chanel Oberlin, Sadie Swenson, 872 00:38:09,193 --> 00:38:10,126 Libby Putney... 873 00:38:11,962 --> 00:38:14,664 I'm sorry, I keep forgetting your real name is Libby Putney. 874 00:38:14,732 --> 00:38:20,843 I sentence you to life in prison at the Palmer Asylum for the Insane! 875 00:38:24,241 --> 00:38:25,408 Court is adjourned. 876 00:38:25,476 --> 00:38:28,378 It was at the very moment I had an epiphany. 877 00:38:28,445 --> 00:38:30,113 Maybe he had a point. 878 00:38:30,180 --> 00:38:32,348 Maybe we were sociopaths. 879 00:38:32,416 --> 00:38:35,385 Maybe we never cared about anyone other than ourselves. 880 00:38:35,452 --> 00:38:37,253 Maybe we were crazy, 881 00:38:37,321 --> 00:38:38,788 but we didn't know it because we made Kappa House crazy, 882 00:38:38,856 --> 00:38:41,991 surrounding ourselves with girls who had also gone crazy. 883 00:39:01,612 --> 00:39:03,546 And now here we were, 884 00:39:03,614 --> 00:39:05,148 about to spend the rest of our lives 885 00:39:05,215 --> 00:39:07,450 trapped with a bunch of mentally unstable women 886 00:39:07,518 --> 00:39:09,452 totally divorced from any sense of reality 887 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:11,154 and therefore capable of anything. 888 00:39:11,221 --> 00:39:13,890 From the second we set foot in that asylum, 889 00:39:13,957 --> 00:39:16,492 I knew we were gonna feel right at home. 890 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,695 Asylum life suited us just fine. 891 00:39:19,763 --> 00:39:21,497 Number Three went full lez 892 00:39:21,565 --> 00:39:23,800 and fell in love with one of the lesbian nurses. 893 00:39:23,867 --> 00:39:26,769 I mean, in women's prison, everyone's sort of lesbian, 894 00:39:26,837 --> 00:39:29,172 but Number Three was really going for it. 895 00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:31,374 I think I'm ready to show you my ears. 896 00:39:33,110 --> 00:39:35,545 The psychiatrist put Number Five on these meds 897 00:39:35,612 --> 00:39:37,847 that made her actually tolerable. 898 00:39:37,915 --> 00:39:40,550 Believe me, no one was more shocked than I was 899 00:39:40,617 --> 00:39:43,419 when she became my best friend in the whole wide world. 900 00:39:43,487 --> 00:39:46,422 I told her all my deepest, darkest secrets. 901 00:39:46,490 --> 00:39:48,191 Do you want to know my biggest secret? 902 00:39:48,258 --> 00:39:50,560 I love it here! I never want to leave! 903 00:39:50,627 --> 00:39:52,128 I know! Me, too! 904 00:39:54,665 --> 00:39:57,066 I felt totally transformed, 905 00:39:57,134 --> 00:39:59,469 like this enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 906 00:39:59,536 --> 00:40:02,171 Inside this asylum, there was no more judgment, 907 00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:04,073 no more popularity contests, 908 00:40:04,141 --> 00:40:06,476 no social media pressure to be the hottest or the meanest. 909 00:40:06,543 --> 00:40:08,311 And best of all, 910 00:40:08,378 --> 00:40:10,480 there were no boys to stay skinny for. 911 00:40:24,561 --> 00:40:25,495 That's it. 912 00:40:25,562 --> 00:40:26,662 The votes are in. 913 00:40:26,730 --> 00:40:28,531 It's unanimous. 914 00:40:28,599 --> 00:40:30,533 Congratulations, Chanel. 915 00:40:30,601 --> 00:40:32,869 You've been voted house president. 916 00:40:34,972 --> 00:40:37,340 Thank you so much. 917 00:40:38,098 --> 00:40:42,812 Now, let's all raise a Dixie cup of delicious prune wine 918 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,581 that Number Five so lovingly brewed for us in the toilet. 919 00:40:47,651 --> 00:40:50,486 To... Chanel. 920 00:40:50,554 --> 00:40:52,488 To Chanel. 921 00:41:58,233 --> 00:42:00,080 - sync and corrections by Caio - - www.addic7ed.com -