1 00:00:11,218 --> 00:00:16,218 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull M_I_SForEver 2 00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:04,523 The high point of the weekend 3 00:01:04,724 --> 00:01:07,592 was when my St. Bernard fell through the attic ceiling 4 00:01:07,794 --> 00:01:09,929 and landed on my kitchen table. 5 00:01:14,767 --> 00:01:18,236 This is one of the top 10 things that's ever happened to me... 6 00:01:18,437 --> 00:01:20,840 ...he said, as he stared at me with those 7 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,710 cold, blue, sociopathic eyes. 8 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:26,879 The dog's okay. He followed me up to the attic... 9 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,580 ...the Kid added. 10 00:01:28,781 --> 00:01:33,485 The fact that he was doing cocaine up there he did not add. 11 00:01:37,990 --> 00:01:38,791 I first met The Kid 12 00:01:38,991 --> 00:01:40,893 when he infiltrated our small town newspaper 13 00:01:41,094 --> 00:01:42,594 right after my wife died. 14 00:01:42,795 --> 00:01:45,363 I say "infiltrated" because I believe 15 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:48,768 it was a deliberate action designed to meet me. 16 00:01:49,102 --> 00:01:50,402 Not that the women on the newspaper 17 00:01:50,602 --> 00:01:51,838 aren't worth meeting. 18 00:01:52,038 --> 00:01:53,005 They are. 19 00:01:53,206 --> 00:01:54,874 But they're also old. 20 00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:56,943 In some cases, very old. 21 00:01:57,143 --> 00:02:00,278 So unless The Kid always wanted to sleep with his mother, 22 00:02:00,479 --> 00:02:02,547 or in this particular case, his grandmother, 23 00:02:02,749 --> 00:02:03,983 then I was it. 24 00:02:04,183 --> 00:02:05,985 This is what I wanted to point out to you... 25 00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:07,519 As an only child, 26 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,856 I am used to being around older people. 27 00:02:10,056 --> 00:02:12,491 I am also used to entertaining myself. 28 00:02:12,692 --> 00:02:15,527 These older people are very entertaining. 29 00:02:15,728 --> 00:02:17,362 They would argue about the relationship between 30 00:02:17,562 --> 00:02:19,397 commas, semicolons and periods 31 00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:20,532 of the last newspaper issue 32 00:02:20,733 --> 00:02:21,834 before starting to work on the next one. 33 00:02:22,034 --> 00:02:24,436 It should have been a semicolon, not a period... 34 00:02:24,637 --> 00:02:25,738 That's all there is to it. 35 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,439 It's no wonder their husbands are dead. 36 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:28,941 They never had a chance. 37 00:02:29,142 --> 00:02:31,244 Here I am in the middle of all this, 38 00:02:31,476 --> 00:02:32,879 thinking that my life is nothing more than 39 00:02:33,079 --> 00:02:35,347 one long, run-on sentence... 40 00:02:35,547 --> 00:02:37,984 - I was an editor... - Assistant editor. 41 00:02:39,652 --> 00:02:41,586 ...when he appears. 42 00:02:43,890 --> 00:02:45,792 I knew your husband was cheating on you. 43 00:02:46,025 --> 00:02:48,795 Everyone knew my husband was cheating on me. 44 00:02:48,995 --> 00:02:49,962 Except you. 45 00:02:50,163 --> 00:02:51,664 Including me! 46 00:02:52,064 --> 00:02:54,767 I don't know what I'd do if my husband cheated on me. 47 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:56,035 Oh yeah? 48 00:02:56,401 --> 00:02:58,470 Stick around and find out. 49 00:02:58,704 --> 00:02:59,138 Now! 50 00:02:59,739 --> 00:03:02,541 I see we're a little short on obituaries. 51 00:03:02,742 --> 00:03:04,010 Anyone have any ideas? 52 00:03:04,342 --> 00:03:06,511 I haven't seen my neighbor in a while. 53 00:03:06,712 --> 00:03:07,814 Can you go over and check? 54 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:12,450 I have seen a car parked outside late at night that I don't know. 55 00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:13,186 Woah... 56 00:03:13,853 --> 00:03:17,023 Sounds like he's either dead or has a new girlfriend. 57 00:03:17,223 --> 00:03:18,691 Hah! 58 00:03:18,724 --> 00:03:20,960 I know the guy you're talking about. 59 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,328 He couldn't afford to move so he's living 60 00:03:23,528 --> 00:03:26,032 with his girlfriend on the second floor. 61 00:03:26,232 --> 00:03:28,835 - That's her car. - That's her car? 62 00:03:29,035 --> 00:03:30,569 Where's the wife living? 63 00:03:30,770 --> 00:03:32,337 On the first floor. 64 00:03:35,875 --> 00:03:37,109 He's alive. 65 00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:37,777 Next! 66 00:03:38,476 --> 00:03:41,379 Ladies, I'm sorry to interrupt but we have a guest. 67 00:03:41,580 --> 00:03:43,783 Oh, yes, everyone... 68 00:03:43,983 --> 00:03:46,819 This is our new neighbor, who wants to join the newspaper. 69 00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:48,120 Show of hands? 70 00:03:50,990 --> 00:03:52,892 Congratulations, young man. 71 00:03:53,726 --> 00:03:54,994 You're in. 72 00:04:04,937 --> 00:04:06,973 - Is it always like that? - Like what? 73 00:04:07,173 --> 00:04:07,940 That intense. 74 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,010 You think old ladies bickering about semicolons is intense? 75 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,477 You must be from New Jersey. 76 00:04:12,678 --> 00:04:13,511 I am, actually. 77 00:04:13,713 --> 00:04:14,647 And you just moved to New York? 78 00:04:14,847 --> 00:04:17,382 It's not that far really. It's only a few miles. 79 00:04:17,582 --> 00:04:19,384 It's a different world. 80 00:04:21,087 --> 00:04:23,555 - Oop, sorry. - That's okay. 81 00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:25,725 I like the way you smoke. 82 00:04:25,925 --> 00:04:27,592 Ah, it's a bad habit. 83 00:04:27,793 --> 00:04:29,394 Not on you though. It makes you look confident. 84 00:04:29,594 --> 00:04:30,863 I don't need to smoke to look confident. 85 00:04:31,063 --> 00:04:32,497 I am confident. 86 00:04:33,132 --> 00:04:34,867 - You never smoked? - Once... 87 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,568 When I was 19. 88 00:04:36,769 --> 00:04:38,137 I failed miserably at it. 89 00:04:38,337 --> 00:04:40,438 Yeah, my wife doesn't smoke either. 90 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:41,406 You married? 91 00:04:41,606 --> 00:04:44,176 Yeah, seven years. We met in high school 92 00:04:44,476 --> 00:04:46,746 - How old are you? - 31. And you? 93 00:04:46,946 --> 00:04:48,080 Mmm... 94 00:04:48,648 --> 00:04:49,649 Not 31. 95 00:04:52,852 --> 00:04:55,420 Oh look, mushrooms. 96 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,160 Ha-hah... 97 00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:08,433 Ahhh... 98 00:05:09,669 --> 00:05:11,704 Such an unusual species, too. 99 00:05:12,305 --> 00:05:14,539 Yeah, there's all kinds of strange species around here. 100 00:05:14,740 --> 00:05:16,909 The Mycological Society will really like this. 101 00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:19,812 It'll help fellow mushroom hunters identify their finds. 102 00:05:20,012 --> 00:05:21,579 So that's what you do? 103 00:05:21,781 --> 00:05:22,982 Mmm... 104 00:05:23,015 --> 00:05:24,750 Smell my smoke and you help people find the right mushroom? 105 00:05:24,951 --> 00:05:27,519 I also raise ducks. It can be very intimidating, you know. 106 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,454 - You're intimidated by ducks? - Well... 107 00:05:29,655 --> 00:05:30,656 Is your wife intimidated too? 108 00:05:30,856 --> 00:05:31,691 Well, yes! 109 00:05:32,058 --> 00:05:33,125 I'm beginning to see the attraction. 110 00:05:33,326 --> 00:05:34,293 It's not the ducks exactly. 111 00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:37,495 It's the satisfaction of having one need in our lives isolated 112 00:05:37,697 --> 00:05:39,065 from the rest of the world that we find intimidating. 113 00:05:39,265 --> 00:05:40,967 Most people call that one need "children." 114 00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:43,102 Yes, but could a child lay 600 eggs in a year? 115 00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:44,536 Maybe if you had one. 116 00:05:44,737 --> 00:05:45,705 I'm too restless to have children. 117 00:05:45,905 --> 00:05:47,106 - Is your wife restless too? - No... 118 00:05:47,306 --> 00:05:48,074 But she likes the ducks for now. 119 00:05:48,374 --> 00:05:50,776 - What about later? - Later she might move on. 120 00:05:50,977 --> 00:05:52,011 - To a baby? - To a bee. 121 00:05:52,211 --> 00:05:53,112 She also likes beekeeping. 122 00:05:53,446 --> 00:05:55,513 What happens if you decide you want to stay with the ducks? 123 00:05:55,715 --> 00:05:56,816 Then we're gonna have a problem. 124 00:05:57,016 --> 00:05:57,549 You ever had them before? 125 00:05:57,750 --> 00:05:58,851 - Before the ducks? - Yeah. 126 00:05:59,051 --> 00:05:59,484 - And the mushrooms? - Yeah. 127 00:05:59,785 --> 00:06:01,687 - And the cheating? - Woah! 128 00:06:02,688 --> 00:06:03,555 No. 129 00:06:04,757 --> 00:06:07,159 That's far enough back. What happened? 130 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,494 I left her for an older woman, but it didn't work out. 131 00:06:09,695 --> 00:06:10,229 And? 132 00:06:10,963 --> 00:06:12,698 And she took me back. We got married very soon after that. 133 00:06:12,898 --> 00:06:13,799 She took you back? 134 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:14,800 She's very understanding. 135 00:06:15,301 --> 00:06:17,069 I could disappear for two days and she'd just send me a text 136 00:06:17,269 --> 00:06:18,503 asking if I was all right. 137 00:06:18,704 --> 00:06:19,705 - Have you ever done that? - Done what? 138 00:06:19,905 --> 00:06:20,673 Disappear. 139 00:06:20,706 --> 00:06:21,707 Once when I went hunting for tail. 140 00:06:21,907 --> 00:06:22,675 Thought we already covered that? 141 00:06:22,875 --> 00:06:23,442 - No... - No? 142 00:06:23,709 --> 00:06:24,910 - Un-huh. - Were you disappointed? 143 00:06:25,111 --> 00:06:25,911 Yes. 144 00:06:26,445 --> 00:06:28,047 Well, you're honest, I'll give you that. 145 00:06:28,247 --> 00:06:30,515 An Eagle Scout has to be honest. 146 00:06:30,783 --> 00:06:32,852 - You were an Eagle Scout. - Weren't you? 147 00:06:33,052 --> 00:06:34,987 I would have been if I'd earned all my badges. 148 00:06:35,187 --> 00:06:36,822 - You didn't earn them? - No, I bought them.. 149 00:06:37,023 --> 00:06:37,857 That must have upset your parents. 150 00:06:38,124 --> 00:06:40,960 - They gave me the money. - I could never do that. 151 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,095 No, of course not, you were too busy cheating on your wife. 152 00:06:43,295 --> 00:06:44,864 I wasn't cheating on my wife. 153 00:06:45,064 --> 00:06:46,866 You just told me you went hunting for tail. 154 00:06:47,066 --> 00:06:50,069 Yes, I did. I went hunting for bear and moose. 155 00:06:51,103 --> 00:06:52,537 Wait... 156 00:06:55,041 --> 00:06:56,042 So... 157 00:06:56,242 --> 00:06:59,078 You pick mushrooms, you raise ducks, 158 00:06:59,445 --> 00:07:01,647 but you hunt for bear and moose? 159 00:07:01,847 --> 00:07:03,149 My father likes to go. 160 00:07:03,349 --> 00:07:05,084 You or your father? 161 00:07:06,185 --> 00:07:08,287 Do you like it or do you have to go? 162 00:07:08,487 --> 00:07:09,889 I have to go. 163 00:07:10,089 --> 00:07:12,725 - Then just don't go. - I have no choice. 164 00:07:12,925 --> 00:07:14,093 Why? Because your father says so? 165 00:07:14,293 --> 00:07:15,928 No, because my wife says so. 166 00:07:16,128 --> 00:07:17,229 So you go hunting with your wife? 167 00:07:17,430 --> 00:07:19,331 No, I go shopping with my wife. 168 00:07:19,832 --> 00:07:23,669 That's why I have to go now. Besides, you're home anyway. 169 00:07:30,009 --> 00:07:31,343 He even knew where I lived. 170 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:37,183 I thought that was it but it wasn't it. 171 00:07:41,220 --> 00:07:42,620 Ohh! 172 00:07:48,828 --> 00:07:49,795 Hah! 173 00:07:52,865 --> 00:07:55,734 As a screenwriter, I just couldn't pass this up. 174 00:07:56,035 --> 00:07:58,137 So that weekend, I decided to invite him and his wife 175 00:07:58,337 --> 00:07:59,939 up to my beach house. 176 00:08:00,139 --> 00:08:02,708 I wasn't surprised when he came alone. 177 00:08:03,242 --> 00:08:05,144 But I was surprised that after that, 178 00:08:05,344 --> 00:08:07,780 every time I went someplace, he was there. 179 00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:09,148 And no matter where he turned up, 180 00:08:09,348 --> 00:08:10,916 he would always say the same thing: 181 00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:13,152 We're on the same wavelength! 182 00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:17,723 A sushi restaurant, there... 183 00:08:17,923 --> 00:08:19,992 We're on the same wavelength. 184 00:08:22,061 --> 00:08:24,130 A local gym, there... 185 00:08:24,697 --> 00:08:26,398 We're on the same wavelength. 186 00:08:26,599 --> 00:08:28,167 I didn't even cry when my wife died, 187 00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:31,003 but this kid was making me laugh until I cried. 188 00:08:31,237 --> 00:08:33,305 We're on the same wavelength. 189 00:08:33,739 --> 00:08:35,741 We're on the same wavelength! 190 00:08:35,941 --> 00:08:38,410 And for that, I was grateful to feel anything, 191 00:08:38,611 --> 00:08:40,779 and I wanted to feel some more. 192 00:08:42,148 --> 00:08:47,419 S-O-C-I-O... 193 00:08:48,053 --> 00:08:49,288 Okay. 194 00:08:51,857 --> 00:08:53,025 P-A... 195 00:08:53,225 --> 00:08:55,895 Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyes. 196 00:08:56,095 --> 00:08:56,996 Great. 197 00:08:57,329 --> 00:09:00,366 But I think there might be something wrong with your mind. 198 00:09:02,268 --> 00:09:03,235 Why? 199 00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:05,905 Because that word isn't on the chart. 200 00:09:07,873 --> 00:09:09,175 Can you give me a prescription? 201 00:09:09,375 --> 00:09:13,245 I can give you an address. 202 00:09:13,445 --> 00:09:16,248 My brother is a psychiatrist. 203 00:09:16,448 --> 00:09:18,984 Oh no, I don't need him. I need you. 204 00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:21,921 I can only give you a pair of frames. 205 00:09:22,121 --> 00:09:23,055 Right... 206 00:09:23,255 --> 00:09:24,857 Do you have anything intimidating? 207 00:09:25,057 --> 00:09:26,325 Intimidating frames? 208 00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:27,493 Yes. 209 00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:31,230 Something thick and black, with dark lenses. 210 00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:32,798 Why dark? 211 00:09:32,998 --> 00:09:34,934 Makes it harder to see me. 212 00:09:35,134 --> 00:09:36,468 That's not going to solve your problem. 213 00:09:36,670 --> 00:09:39,038 No, I know but I'm having dinner with The Kid tonight and 214 00:09:39,238 --> 00:09:40,973 I think it might just slow it down. 215 00:09:41,173 --> 00:09:42,741 Are you looking to save money? 216 00:09:43,042 --> 00:09:43,742 Of course. 217 00:09:43,943 --> 00:09:46,378 Then don't see him... 218 00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:50,115 And then you won't need new glasses. 219 00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:52,785 Thank you. 220 00:09:54,153 --> 00:09:55,955 But I'm a writer... 221 00:09:56,488 --> 00:09:59,959 And I'm still trying to read between the lines. 222 00:10:15,441 --> 00:10:16,475 Oh! 223 00:10:25,284 --> 00:10:26,986 What is this guy doing? 224 00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:32,791 What's the matter with this guy? 225 00:10:39,098 --> 00:10:41,267 What? What? What does that mean? 226 00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:45,204 Why don't you...? 227 00:10:45,404 --> 00:10:46,939 Let me pass! 228 00:10:52,278 --> 00:10:54,213 What's the matter with you, huh? 229 00:10:54,413 --> 00:10:55,814 What? Are you psycho? 230 00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,550 What does that mean? 231 00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:06,492 Oh, no! C'mon! 232 00:11:23,575 --> 00:11:25,411 - Excuse me... - Not now. 233 00:11:26,078 --> 00:11:27,513 Library humor. 234 00:11:28,247 --> 00:11:28,981 How can I help? 235 00:11:29,348 --> 00:11:32,384 I'm wondering if you have any information on... 236 00:11:39,591 --> 00:11:40,559 What? 237 00:11:42,094 --> 00:11:45,030 If you have any information on... 238 00:11:45,397 --> 00:11:46,965 Sociopaths. 239 00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:49,468 - I still can't hear you. - Un-huh... 240 00:12:00,379 --> 00:12:01,480 Oh... 241 00:12:01,681 --> 00:12:03,082 My brother-in-law's one. 242 00:12:03,315 --> 00:12:04,483 Follow me. 243 00:12:26,605 --> 00:12:27,873 Here we are. 244 00:12:32,978 --> 00:12:34,480 It's a small section. 245 00:12:34,748 --> 00:12:37,650 Yeah, most of them live in the city. 246 00:12:38,016 --> 00:12:40,919 There are just a few stragglers up here. 247 00:12:41,186 --> 00:12:43,422 Now, which shelf? 248 00:12:44,490 --> 00:12:46,225 I don't understand. 249 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,961 There are different types of sociopaths. 250 00:12:49,161 --> 00:12:51,397 They each get their own shelves. 251 00:12:51,798 --> 00:12:54,166 What type is your brother-in-law? 252 00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:56,602 Second shelf. 253 00:12:57,403 --> 00:12:59,639 - That's where I'll start. - Okay. 254 00:13:19,158 --> 00:13:22,060 As he talks, he stares at you and holds his gaze 255 00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:24,463 a beat longer than he should. 256 00:13:26,498 --> 00:13:27,700 Why the beat? 257 00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:31,403 Is it to make what he's saying seem more important? 258 00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607 Is it to convince himself that what he's saying 259 00:13:35,809 --> 00:13:39,044 is more important than what he actually is saying? 260 00:13:39,813 --> 00:13:43,949 Or is it to convince me that he is as important as me? 261 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,155 Not that I think I'm important. 262 00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:55,327 But if at least one other person at the table thinks I am, 263 00:13:56,128 --> 00:14:00,700 it puts me in a better mood and I order an expensive appetizer. 264 00:14:05,571 --> 00:14:07,439 The carpaccio please. 265 00:14:08,340 --> 00:14:10,175 I was thinking of ordering the duck but... 266 00:14:10,375 --> 00:14:12,478 - Why do you stare? - Because... 267 00:14:13,312 --> 00:14:14,213 Why do I what? 268 00:14:14,413 --> 00:14:14,881 Stare. 269 00:14:15,547 --> 00:14:17,416 You look at me a bit longer than you should. Why? 270 00:14:18,083 --> 00:14:21,286 - That's the way I communicate. - No, that's the way you stare. 271 00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:23,088 The way you talk is different. 272 00:14:23,288 --> 00:14:23,790 How do I talk? 273 00:14:24,256 --> 00:14:25,524 Like someone who shouldn't be married. 274 00:14:25,725 --> 00:14:27,059 But I am married. 275 00:14:27,326 --> 00:14:29,495 Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. 276 00:14:29,696 --> 00:14:30,996 You talk more than you listen. 277 00:14:31,196 --> 00:14:33,432 I have to talk, I'm The Narrator. 278 00:14:33,633 --> 00:14:36,301 Now it's been my experience, 279 00:14:36,636 --> 00:14:38,170 with women, at least, 280 00:14:38,370 --> 00:14:40,707 that if she orders white wine she's classy. 281 00:14:40,907 --> 00:14:43,041 If she orders red wine, she has class, 282 00:14:43,242 --> 00:14:44,443 but can get a little wild. 283 00:14:44,644 --> 00:14:47,714 And if she orders rosé, she's a slut. 284 00:14:47,947 --> 00:14:49,481 I'll have the rosé. 285 00:14:51,450 --> 00:14:52,719 Tap water for me, please. 286 00:14:57,556 --> 00:14:58,624 Does your wife order rosé? 287 00:14:58,825 --> 00:15:00,693 - No, she orders white. - Hmm. 288 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,630 Who are you smiling at? 289 00:15:03,997 --> 00:15:06,431 This older woman over there who keeps looking at us. 290 00:15:06,633 --> 00:15:08,166 You like older women, right? 291 00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:08,835 I did. 292 00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:10,637 Ever been to a cougar club? 293 00:15:10,837 --> 00:15:12,271 - A what? - A cougar club. 294 00:15:12,471 --> 00:15:15,240 A place where younger guys go to meet older women. 295 00:15:15,507 --> 00:15:16,375 I have. 296 00:15:16,575 --> 00:15:17,777 Oh, what happened? 297 00:15:20,112 --> 00:15:20,579 Not much. 298 00:15:21,313 --> 00:15:23,048 Your last three responses have been two-word answers, 299 00:15:23,248 --> 00:15:26,184 which tells me that something very much did happen. 300 00:15:26,686 --> 00:15:27,787 I went in, 301 00:15:27,987 --> 00:15:29,321 I met somebody. 302 00:15:29,521 --> 00:15:31,223 I bought her a drink. 303 00:15:32,524 --> 00:15:33,726 She sat on my lap. 304 00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:36,796 I left. 305 00:15:36,996 --> 00:15:38,564 - Alone? - I left. 306 00:15:38,765 --> 00:15:40,700 - Back to two words. - I left alone. 307 00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,367 Three words. That's better. 308 00:15:42,568 --> 00:15:44,236 - Was this recent? - Recent enough. 309 00:15:44,436 --> 00:15:46,471 "Recent enough." 310 00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:49,642 Do you think that's fair to your wife? 311 00:15:49,842 --> 00:15:50,442 Nothing happened. 312 00:15:50,877 --> 00:15:52,277 But the thought that something could happen, 313 00:15:52,477 --> 00:15:54,580 - that was enough for you? - For now. 314 00:15:54,781 --> 00:15:57,215 I'm trying to get you from now to later a little faster. 315 00:15:57,416 --> 00:15:58,216 Why? 316 00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:27,479 Have you ever read "The Sociopath Next Door?" 317 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,381 I don't live next door. 318 00:16:30,049 --> 00:16:31,718 Nevertheless, have you read it? 319 00:16:33,352 --> 00:16:34,020 No. 320 00:16:34,053 --> 00:16:36,355 Do you know what a sociopath is? 321 00:16:37,556 --> 00:16:38,357 No. 322 00:16:38,390 --> 00:16:40,592 You'd say no even if you did know. 323 00:16:41,027 --> 00:16:43,830 Lack of conscience is the biggest trait. 324 00:16:44,529 --> 00:16:46,264 One in 25 people is a sociopath. 325 00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:47,466 What are you saying? 326 00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:48,668 I'm saying I just did a head count 327 00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:50,870 and it doesn't look good for you. 328 00:16:52,571 --> 00:16:53,138 I have a conscience. 329 00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:54,741 Did you develop this before or after 330 00:16:54,941 --> 00:16:56,341 you let my dog fall through the ceiling? 331 00:16:56,541 --> 00:16:57,142 That wasn't my fault. 332 00:16:57,542 --> 00:16:58,811 What were you doing up in the attic anyway? 333 00:16:59,012 --> 00:16:59,611 I was doing blow. 334 00:17:00,013 --> 00:17:00,780 Why didn't you just do it downstairs? 335 00:17:01,346 --> 00:17:03,181 'Cause there's lots of dog hair downstairs and I'm allergic. 336 00:17:03,382 --> 00:17:05,550 Be allergic to shellfish. Not to my dog. 337 00:17:05,752 --> 00:17:08,553 - Clams on the half shell? - Me. 338 00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:26,706 Tell me about your wife. 339 00:17:26,906 --> 00:17:27,807 Not much to tell really. 340 00:17:28,041 --> 00:17:29,942 Oh god, I hate people who start stories that way. 341 00:17:30,143 --> 00:17:31,911 I'm only 31, so it's gonna be a short story. 342 00:17:32,111 --> 00:17:33,913 - I prefer novels. - That's because you're older. 343 00:17:34,113 --> 00:17:34,947 Is that a crack about my age? 344 00:17:35,347 --> 00:17:37,482 The photo on your driver's license wasn't recent. 345 00:17:37,684 --> 00:17:38,517 And you saw my driver's license when? 346 00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:39,752 When I was looking for something to cut the coke with. 347 00:17:40,053 --> 00:17:42,220 - You went into my wallet? - You left it lying around. 348 00:17:42,421 --> 00:17:43,856 I most certainly did not leave it lying around, 349 00:17:44,057 --> 00:17:45,758 certainly not when you're around. 350 00:17:45,958 --> 00:17:47,526 Are you saying you don't trust me? 351 00:17:47,727 --> 00:17:49,829 You let my dog fall through the kitchen ceiling! 352 00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:51,798 You didn't apologize or offer me any money to fix it! 353 00:17:51,998 --> 00:17:52,899 Of course I don't trust you... 354 00:17:53,099 --> 00:17:54,466 Well, it was your fault. 355 00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:55,534 How was it my fault? I was in the bathroom. 356 00:17:55,835 --> 00:17:57,937 Exactly. It was your fault you were in the bathroom. 357 00:17:58,137 --> 00:17:59,237 If you'd come up to the attic with me, 358 00:17:59,438 --> 00:18:00,173 then nothing would have happened. 359 00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:02,274 I think you wanted something to happen. 360 00:18:02,474 --> 00:18:04,209 - Between me and the dog? - Between me and you. 361 00:18:05,111 --> 00:18:06,445 I don't know what you're talking about. 362 00:18:06,646 --> 00:18:07,780 Really? I think that you do. 363 00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:08,881 What kind of a person comes over 364 00:18:09,581 --> 00:18:11,516 to somebody's house for the weekend with just the clothes on his back? 365 00:18:11,718 --> 00:18:12,819 I left from work. I didn't have time to pack. 366 00:18:13,019 --> 00:18:14,954 Goes up into a hot attic with a candle 367 00:18:15,154 --> 00:18:17,322 and proceeds to do 12 lines of coke. 368 00:18:17,522 --> 00:18:18,356 The candle was your idea. 369 00:18:18,557 --> 00:18:20,693 And doesn't offer to pay for it. 370 00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,762 - The candle? - The coke! 371 00:18:22,995 --> 00:18:24,362 You counted the lines? 372 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,331 I bought the cocaine! 373 00:18:26,531 --> 00:18:27,867 I count the things I pay for! 374 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,534 Lower your voice. 375 00:18:30,169 --> 00:18:31,738 People are beginning to stare. 376 00:18:32,972 --> 00:18:34,239 Oh, yeah? 377 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:35,708 How do you like it? 378 00:18:36,274 --> 00:18:38,543 I'd like it better if we were at a strip club. 379 00:18:38,745 --> 00:18:39,377 What are you talking...? 380 00:18:39,679 --> 00:18:42,247 You know what? Never mind. Why is that? 381 00:18:42,447 --> 00:18:43,683 Because I like staring a stripper down 382 00:18:43,883 --> 00:18:44,884 when she's on stage. 383 00:18:45,118 --> 00:18:48,620 I can usually intimidate her into doing anything I want. 384 00:18:48,821 --> 00:18:50,690 Too bad she isn't a duck. 385 00:18:50,890 --> 00:18:52,859 Does your wife know you go to strip clubs? 386 00:18:53,059 --> 00:18:54,426 I don't tell her everything. 387 00:18:54,627 --> 00:18:55,762 Is that where you picked up your little habit? 388 00:18:55,962 --> 00:18:57,496 - What habit? - Your attic habit. 389 00:18:57,697 --> 00:18:58,296 I'm not an addict. 390 00:18:58,530 --> 00:18:59,932 You said "addict." I said "attic." 391 00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:01,433 I'd really like to go upstairs again. 392 00:19:01,634 --> 00:19:02,668 I don't want an addict in my attic! 393 00:19:02,869 --> 00:19:03,502 I'll stay downstairs. 394 00:19:03,903 --> 00:19:05,337 I wouldn't let you back in my house without 395 00:19:05,537 --> 00:19:06,806 a security deposit. 396 00:19:07,106 --> 00:19:08,540 Remember the next morning when I asked you if 397 00:19:08,741 --> 00:19:10,342 you wanted something to eat or some coffee? 398 00:19:10,542 --> 00:19:11,010 I remember. 399 00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:11,978 Do you remember what you said? 400 00:19:12,477 --> 00:19:14,579 I said "I don't have anything when I first get up." 401 00:19:14,781 --> 00:19:15,982 That's right. 402 00:19:16,015 --> 00:19:17,917 Then 10 minutes later when we drove to my neighbor's house 403 00:19:18,117 --> 00:19:20,820 to go clamming and she offered you coffee, you said... 404 00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:22,487 Oh, yes please. 405 00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:25,457 Don't give me the eyes! 406 00:19:25,658 --> 00:19:26,926 I said, 407 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,696 "Not when I first get up." 408 00:19:32,397 --> 00:19:33,733 I didn't say it like that. 409 00:19:33,933 --> 00:19:35,433 That's exactly how you said it. 410 00:19:35,735 --> 00:19:36,636 I didn't mean anything by it. 411 00:19:36,869 --> 00:19:39,639 That's exactly what you say when you get caught. 412 00:19:39,839 --> 00:19:40,907 Remember the first thing you said to me 413 00:19:41,107 --> 00:19:42,474 after the dog fell through the ceiling? 414 00:19:42,675 --> 00:19:43,743 I don't remember. 415 00:19:43,943 --> 00:19:45,678 You said, "This is one of the top 10 things 416 00:19:45,878 --> 00:19:47,579 "that has ever happened to me." 417 00:19:48,981 --> 00:19:49,682 It was. 418 00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:51,583 Do you want to hear the other 9? 419 00:19:52,018 --> 00:19:54,854 No, I'm 41 years old and that's not the point. 420 00:19:55,054 --> 00:19:56,521 What is the point? 421 00:19:56,722 --> 00:19:58,090 The point is you weren't concerned 422 00:19:58,291 --> 00:20:00,559 about anything but yourself. 423 00:20:04,396 --> 00:20:05,698 That's the way I've always been. 424 00:20:05,965 --> 00:20:07,633 Is your wife as unconcerned? 425 00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:10,502 - She's very concerned. - She should be. 426 00:20:11,037 --> 00:20:12,839 I don't know how she puts up with you, kid. 427 00:20:13,039 --> 00:20:14,140 Don't call me kid. I have a name. 428 00:20:14,372 --> 00:20:18,410 I know you have a name, I just can't bring myself to say it. 429 00:20:20,780 --> 00:20:21,379 Why not? 430 00:20:21,613 --> 00:20:22,815 It implies a sense of familiarity 431 00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:23,683 between the two of us 432 00:20:23,983 --> 00:20:24,616 that I'm not at all comfortable with. 433 00:20:24,851 --> 00:20:27,987 No, you and I are on a strictly... 434 00:20:28,888 --> 00:20:30,522 pronoun name basis. 435 00:20:30,890 --> 00:20:32,557 Can I call you by your name? 436 00:20:32,758 --> 00:20:34,894 No, I'd be equally uncomfortable with that. 437 00:20:35,094 --> 00:20:36,428 Okay... 438 00:20:36,729 --> 00:20:37,395 Kid. 439 00:20:37,897 --> 00:20:40,933 See? You can't even come up with anything original. 440 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:42,802 Okay... 441 00:20:43,336 --> 00:20:45,037 - Friend. - Friend? 442 00:20:45,238 --> 00:20:46,504 You're a neighbor. 443 00:20:46,706 --> 00:20:47,572 Pal? 444 00:20:47,773 --> 00:20:48,975 Don't tell me what to call you. 445 00:20:49,175 --> 00:20:50,575 Well, somebody has to make a decision. 446 00:20:50,776 --> 00:20:53,012 - Have we decided? - Yes, we have. 447 00:20:57,016 --> 00:20:59,517 I'll have the prime rib and the sociopath here 448 00:20:59,719 --> 00:21:02,520 will have the pasta from the children's menu. 449 00:21:05,658 --> 00:21:06,859 Very good, sir. 450 00:21:09,494 --> 00:21:11,030 Oh, I like those glasses. 451 00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:12,564 But I can hardly see you though. 452 00:21:12,765 --> 00:21:13,465 That's the point. 453 00:21:13,666 --> 00:21:14,166 I wear contacts. 454 00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:17,103 And that's how I can see right through you. 455 00:21:20,139 --> 00:21:22,041 You don't have to order for me. I'm not a child. 456 00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:22,875 Do you remember what you said 457 00:21:23,276 --> 00:21:24,844 the first time I gave you a ride in my truck? 458 00:21:25,044 --> 00:21:27,146 I said, "Where are you taking me?" 459 00:21:27,512 --> 00:21:28,381 That's right. 460 00:21:28,781 --> 00:21:30,983 Don't you think you should have said, "Where are we going?" 461 00:21:31,183 --> 00:21:33,085 - I did. - No, you didn't. 462 00:21:33,286 --> 00:21:34,887 You said, "Where are you taking me." 463 00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:36,588 - It's the same thing. - No, it isn't. 464 00:21:36,789 --> 00:21:37,790 "Where are we going?" is two friends 465 00:21:37,990 --> 00:21:38,958 going out for a night on the town. 466 00:21:39,292 --> 00:21:42,995 "Where are you taking me?" is two friends going home to bed. 467 00:21:43,195 --> 00:21:44,562 What are you saying? 468 00:21:44,764 --> 00:21:46,065 I'm saying that this is turning into 469 00:21:46,265 --> 00:21:48,533 a gay relationship without the sex. 470 00:21:49,068 --> 00:21:50,435 Eeehh... 471 00:21:55,041 --> 00:21:57,843 - What was that? - An allergy. 472 00:22:00,112 --> 00:22:01,948 Are you saying I'm gay? 473 00:22:02,148 --> 00:22:03,783 I'm saying that you 474 00:22:03,983 --> 00:22:05,685 are about as straight as this corkscrew. 475 00:22:05,885 --> 00:22:07,053 Now what do you want? 476 00:22:07,253 --> 00:22:08,788 What do you want? 477 00:22:14,961 --> 00:22:17,630 Excuse me, fellas. 478 00:22:17,830 --> 00:22:21,167 But have either of you read, The Sociopath Next Door because 479 00:22:21,367 --> 00:22:22,969 - Shut up! - Shut up! 480 00:22:26,839 --> 00:22:29,607 - Why are you mirroring me? - It's you that's mirroring me. 481 00:22:29,809 --> 00:22:31,911 Oh my God, you're even mirroring my mirrors. 482 00:22:32,111 --> 00:22:33,611 If you would have asked me first what I wanted, 483 00:22:33,813 --> 00:22:35,114 it would've been easier for me to say "your wife." 484 00:22:35,314 --> 00:22:36,548 But since you asked me after I asked you, 485 00:22:36,749 --> 00:22:37,482 it's much more difficult to answer. 486 00:22:37,783 --> 00:22:40,720 Regardless of who asked the question first... 487 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,888 you just answered it. 488 00:22:50,963 --> 00:22:52,564 You tricked me into answering. 489 00:22:52,765 --> 00:22:53,899 I didn't trick you. 490 00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:57,069 You got me so frustrated that I blew. 491 00:22:57,269 --> 00:22:58,603 Somebody had to make a decision. 492 00:22:58,804 --> 00:22:59,271 Wow. 493 00:22:59,537 --> 00:23:01,841 Spoken like a true sociopath. 494 00:23:02,375 --> 00:23:03,776 You make me think that I'm in control 495 00:23:03,976 --> 00:23:05,644 and all the while, you're actually in control. 496 00:23:05,878 --> 00:23:06,912 I'm sure I don't know what you mean. 497 00:23:07,179 --> 00:23:09,982 I'm sure that you do and now you're gonna gaslight me. 498 00:23:10,983 --> 00:23:12,118 "Gaslight?" 499 00:23:12,318 --> 00:23:13,719 Yeah, it's named after an old movie 500 00:23:13,919 --> 00:23:15,087 where a husband drives his wife insane 501 00:23:15,287 --> 00:23:17,056 by making her doubt herself. 502 00:23:17,256 --> 00:23:19,058 You make me doubt myself. 503 00:23:19,392 --> 00:23:22,594 - You're mimicking me. - You're mimicking me. 504 00:23:28,134 --> 00:23:30,202 Maybe we're both sociopaths. 505 00:23:31,270 --> 00:23:32,838 That's impossible. 506 00:23:33,039 --> 00:23:34,173 There's not enough people in the room 507 00:23:34,373 --> 00:23:36,142 for there to be two of us. 508 00:23:37,176 --> 00:23:38,778 Did you count the bar? 509 00:23:42,314 --> 00:23:43,949 No, I did not. 510 00:23:44,750 --> 00:23:46,719 I did not count the bar. 511 00:23:57,863 --> 00:23:59,765 We need another 25. 512 00:23:59,965 --> 00:24:02,201 - Does the bartender count? - The bartender counts. 513 00:24:02,401 --> 00:24:04,637 Did you get the guy talking to himself in the corner? 514 00:24:04,837 --> 00:24:05,905 Yeah, I counted him. 515 00:24:06,105 --> 00:24:07,773 - He could be the one. - Too obvious. 516 00:24:07,973 --> 00:24:09,875 They usually blend in. 517 00:24:11,210 --> 00:24:12,344 Hold on. 518 00:24:20,386 --> 00:24:21,720 Nah, it's okay. You can go. 519 00:24:25,191 --> 00:24:26,659 I count 17. 520 00:24:26,859 --> 00:24:28,894 Yeah, I got the same count. 521 00:24:29,095 --> 00:24:30,162 Not enough. 522 00:24:30,796 --> 00:24:32,865 Well, one of us is off the hook. 523 00:24:33,065 --> 00:24:35,901 Not so fast. We gotta check the bathrooms. 524 00:24:36,202 --> 00:24:37,970 I'm gonna go look in the men's room. 525 00:24:38,170 --> 00:24:39,939 Why can't I take the men's room? 526 00:24:40,139 --> 00:24:42,208 Because you're gonna go talk to that woman over there. 527 00:24:42,408 --> 00:24:44,009 She's gonna go check the ladies room. 528 00:24:44,210 --> 00:24:45,678 That's why. 529 00:25:04,363 --> 00:25:06,132 Can I buy you a drink? 530 00:25:06,332 --> 00:25:08,701 - What are you, 12? - I'm 31. 531 00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:11,103 Is that guy your father over there? 532 00:25:11,303 --> 00:25:12,738 No, he's my friend... 533 00:25:12,938 --> 00:25:14,874 Ah, pal, ah... 534 00:25:15,074 --> 00:25:17,943 Neighbor... God! I don't know who he is. 535 00:25:18,144 --> 00:25:20,079 Well, this is off to a good start. 536 00:25:23,015 --> 00:25:24,783 Can I see some ID? 537 00:25:26,051 --> 00:25:28,354 I was just having dinner over there. 538 00:25:28,554 --> 00:25:31,757 That was over there, this is over here. 539 00:25:31,957 --> 00:25:33,259 ID? 540 00:25:42,234 --> 00:25:43,802 I'll have a rosé... 541 00:25:44,003 --> 00:25:46,705 I mean, I'll have a white wine. 542 00:25:46,939 --> 00:25:48,040 That's too bad. 543 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,709 - I'm having red. - I'll have red. 544 00:25:50,910 --> 00:25:52,978 Any particular kind? 545 00:25:53,746 --> 00:25:55,414 I'm having the kind that bears my name. 546 00:25:55,614 --> 00:25:58,184 I'll have her. I mean I'll have that. 547 00:25:59,318 --> 00:26:02,988 There were two more in the men's room. That's 19. 548 00:26:03,522 --> 00:26:04,790 Ma'am. 549 00:26:10,162 --> 00:26:11,697 19? 550 00:26:11,964 --> 00:26:14,900 Ah, yes, my 19th birthday, it was great. 551 00:26:15,100 --> 00:26:17,303 We were talking about that before. 552 00:26:17,503 --> 00:26:18,938 Before what? 553 00:26:20,806 --> 00:26:23,142 Before... the before. 554 00:26:23,976 --> 00:26:26,145 Well, that's clear. 555 00:26:26,345 --> 00:26:27,846 - You married? - Basically, yes. 556 00:26:28,047 --> 00:26:29,181 - You understand? - No... 557 00:26:29,381 --> 00:26:30,983 But it's consistent. 558 00:26:38,057 --> 00:26:39,758 Can I ask you a question? 559 00:26:39,959 --> 00:26:42,228 Married, three times, one kid. 560 00:26:42,428 --> 00:26:45,965 Wow, that's not what I was gonna ask. 561 00:26:46,165 --> 00:26:47,900 Impossible. They what they all ask. 562 00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:49,935 It wouldn't even occur to me to ask that. 563 00:26:50,135 --> 00:26:52,238 So you're saying you're different? 564 00:26:52,438 --> 00:26:53,505 No, you're saying I'm different. 565 00:26:53,707 --> 00:26:54,873 So what are you saying? 566 00:26:55,074 --> 00:26:56,041 I'm saying hello. 567 00:26:56,242 --> 00:26:57,076 Hello! 568 00:26:57,977 --> 00:26:58,911 Yep... 569 00:26:59,545 --> 00:27:01,313 - You are different. - A little. 570 00:27:01,513 --> 00:27:04,083 - How little? - Largely... little. 571 00:27:05,084 --> 00:27:08,254 Does your "basically married" wife talk the same way you do? 572 00:27:08,454 --> 00:27:10,055 She doesn't talk that much. 573 00:27:10,256 --> 00:27:12,925 Maybe 'cause she doesn't know what to say. 574 00:27:13,125 --> 00:27:15,194 I'd say you're very attractive. 575 00:27:15,394 --> 00:27:16,562 I'd say you're not wearing a wedding ring. 576 00:27:16,762 --> 00:27:20,332 I'd say I'm not wearing a ring because you're very attractive. 577 00:27:20,532 --> 00:27:21,767 Mmm... 578 00:27:21,967 --> 00:27:23,135 See? 579 00:27:23,335 --> 00:27:24,937 You're not that different. 580 00:27:25,137 --> 00:27:26,438 I guess not... 581 00:27:27,873 --> 00:27:29,508 Except for one little thing. 582 00:27:29,709 --> 00:27:31,377 Oh yeah, what's that? 583 00:27:31,977 --> 00:27:34,413 I have a thing for bathrooms. 584 00:27:38,284 --> 00:27:39,551 Men's? 585 00:27:42,121 --> 00:27:43,222 No. 586 00:27:47,326 --> 00:27:49,361 Oh God, I was watching you all through dinner, you know. 587 00:27:49,561 --> 00:27:50,796 I heard. 588 00:27:50,829 --> 00:27:53,465 When you took that bread stick and shoved it in the guy's face, 589 00:27:53,667 --> 00:27:55,134 my God, it really did something to me. 590 00:27:55,334 --> 00:27:58,103 - No, I hope you're okay. - I will be. 591 00:28:01,907 --> 00:28:04,009 God, I love a man in red pants. 592 00:28:04,209 --> 00:28:05,477 - I hope you're privileged. - I am... 593 00:28:05,679 --> 00:28:06,612 My family has money. 594 00:28:06,979 --> 00:28:09,815 Oh, that's not the kind of privilege I was talking about. 595 00:28:10,015 --> 00:28:11,483 Were your husbands privileged? 596 00:28:11,685 --> 00:28:13,852 Underprivileged. That's why we got divorced. 597 00:28:14,053 --> 00:28:15,020 I'm happily married. 598 00:28:15,220 --> 00:28:16,588 Yeah, in a woman's bathroom? 599 00:28:16,790 --> 00:28:19,058 If I told you why I'm here, you wouldn't believe it. 600 00:28:19,258 --> 00:28:20,225 I believe almost anything. 601 00:28:25,531 --> 00:28:26,332 Excuse me. 602 00:28:26,532 --> 00:28:28,200 - Are you alone? - Yes! 603 00:28:29,968 --> 00:28:32,304 My boyfriend left me this morning. 604 00:28:33,572 --> 00:28:35,941 It's a horrible situation. 605 00:28:37,376 --> 00:28:38,610 Horrible. 606 00:28:40,245 --> 00:28:42,848 And it doesn't look good. 607 00:28:46,653 --> 00:28:49,154 No. I meant, "Are you working alone?" 608 00:28:50,322 --> 00:28:52,091 Oh, yeah... 609 00:28:53,492 --> 00:28:55,361 Another tap water? 610 00:29:01,100 --> 00:29:02,368 Why do they call it Happy Hour? 611 00:29:02,568 --> 00:29:03,636 I don't know. 612 00:29:04,570 --> 00:29:07,206 You think people are really happy during that hour? 613 00:29:07,406 --> 00:29:09,241 I told you I don't know. 614 00:29:09,642 --> 00:29:11,944 The sign was here when I bought the place. 615 00:29:12,511 --> 00:29:14,580 An hour is a long time, 616 00:29:14,781 --> 00:29:16,582 especially to be happy. 617 00:29:17,717 --> 00:29:19,485 I'd rather be sad. 618 00:29:19,686 --> 00:29:21,053 Why? 619 00:29:22,621 --> 00:29:24,556 There's no time limit. 620 00:29:29,696 --> 00:29:32,665 I'm trying to find out if I'm a sociopath. 621 00:29:32,866 --> 00:29:35,100 A sociopath, really? 622 00:29:35,769 --> 00:29:38,270 I doubt it because there's not enough of us in here. 623 00:29:38,470 --> 00:29:40,038 How do you know about sociopaths? 624 00:29:40,239 --> 00:29:41,240 Who doesn't know about sociopaths? 625 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:43,008 - I didn't. - Well, you wouldn't... 626 00:29:43,208 --> 00:29:44,042 if you are one. 627 00:29:44,243 --> 00:29:45,678 I've heard that before. 628 00:29:47,079 --> 00:29:48,447 Ahh, all clear. 629 00:29:48,815 --> 00:29:51,550 - Are we good to go? - We stand at 19. 630 00:29:51,751 --> 00:29:54,520 Okay, we're still on the nineteen thing. 631 00:29:55,722 --> 00:29:58,056 Happy Birthday... 632 00:30:18,477 --> 00:30:21,180 There was nobody else in the bathroom. 633 00:30:21,380 --> 00:30:23,582 But five more were in the kitchen. 634 00:30:23,783 --> 00:30:25,117 One short. 635 00:30:26,018 --> 00:30:27,152 24... 636 00:30:27,352 --> 00:30:28,520 Too bad for you. 637 00:30:35,227 --> 00:30:37,029 25... 638 00:30:38,497 --> 00:30:40,199 Too bad for you. 639 00:30:44,536 --> 00:30:48,607 - You like older vehicles, too? - I don't like to depreciate. 640 00:30:48,942 --> 00:30:51,143 Who in the world does? 641 00:30:53,145 --> 00:30:54,446 What did you say you do again? 642 00:30:54,647 --> 00:30:55,648 I didn't. 643 00:30:55,849 --> 00:30:58,050 Oh-oh, back to the two-word answers. 644 00:30:58,250 --> 00:30:58,952 After what you just put me through, 645 00:30:59,251 --> 00:31:00,018 you're lucky I'm talking to you at all. 646 00:31:00,586 --> 00:31:02,755 - After what I put YOU through? - I'm not the one after my wife. 647 00:31:02,956 --> 00:31:05,023 Don't you have your own wife? 648 00:31:05,424 --> 00:31:07,092 I did. She died. 649 00:31:08,060 --> 00:31:09,228 I'm sorry. 650 00:31:09,461 --> 00:31:11,463 I assume she drank white wine? 651 00:31:11,664 --> 00:31:12,699 All the time. 652 00:31:13,766 --> 00:31:16,034 Too much of the time, actually. 653 00:31:16,435 --> 00:31:18,003 Were you happy? 654 00:31:18,370 --> 00:31:19,772 An old car is like an old marriage. 655 00:31:19,973 --> 00:31:20,439 After a while, 656 00:31:21,173 --> 00:31:23,342 you don't even realize it's not working properly. 657 00:31:23,542 --> 00:31:24,543 I see. 658 00:31:24,744 --> 00:31:26,345 How do you see? You're 31. 659 00:31:26,545 --> 00:31:27,346 You're only 41. 660 00:31:27,647 --> 00:31:29,615 - But I've seen more. - So I've seen less? 661 00:31:29,816 --> 00:31:31,283 A lot less. Surprisingly less. 662 00:31:31,483 --> 00:31:32,719 - I like surprises. - Yeah? 663 00:31:32,919 --> 00:31:35,487 When your wife leaves you, don't be surprised. 664 00:31:36,255 --> 00:31:38,524 This guy behind me is in for a surprise. 665 00:31:38,725 --> 00:31:41,460 - He's following me too close. - Careful... 666 00:31:41,661 --> 00:31:44,096 Remember, sociopaths are prone to sudden outbursts. 667 00:31:44,296 --> 00:31:45,163 Yeah? 668 00:31:46,565 --> 00:31:48,500 Watch this outburst. 669 00:31:59,913 --> 00:32:03,415 Too bad psychiatrists don't issue gift certificates. 670 00:32:11,925 --> 00:32:12,892 Do you have the money to tailgate me? 671 00:32:13,091 --> 00:32:15,795 What are you crazy? You could have caused an accident. 672 00:32:15,995 --> 00:32:17,062 Careful! 673 00:32:17,262 --> 00:32:18,698 He's a sociopath! 674 00:32:18,898 --> 00:32:21,500 I have a sister-in-law who's one of those. 675 00:32:21,701 --> 00:32:24,369 I really really don't like her. 676 00:32:24,938 --> 00:32:27,239 I don't care about your wife's sister! I care about my truck! 677 00:32:27,439 --> 00:32:30,576 So let me ask you again, do you have the money to tailgate me? 678 00:32:30,777 --> 00:32:33,211 None of your business how much money I have. 679 00:32:33,412 --> 00:32:34,279 That means you don't. 680 00:32:34,479 --> 00:32:35,815 It also means you don't have the money to pay 681 00:32:36,015 --> 00:32:38,183 - for my chiropractor. - What chiropractor? 682 00:32:38,383 --> 00:32:40,787 The chiropractor I'd call if you hit me from this direction 683 00:32:40,987 --> 00:32:43,088 causing my neck to go in that direction! 684 00:32:43,288 --> 00:32:45,390 - But I didn't hit you! - But you could have! 685 00:32:45,591 --> 00:32:46,793 Much the same way you could have had 686 00:32:46,993 --> 00:32:48,393 a happy marriage. 687 00:32:51,864 --> 00:32:54,366 How do you know my marriage isn't happy? 688 00:32:54,566 --> 00:32:56,468 You're all hunched over and too close to the wheel. 689 00:32:56,669 --> 00:32:58,337 You're not getting laid. 690 00:33:01,306 --> 00:33:02,675 I drive this way all the time. 691 00:33:02,875 --> 00:33:04,343 So you haven't been getting laid for a while? 692 00:33:04,543 --> 00:33:05,611 None of your business! 693 00:33:05,878 --> 00:33:08,681 I'm sure your shortsightedness isn't helping the situation. 694 00:33:08,881 --> 00:33:10,549 How do you know I'm short-sighted? 695 00:33:10,750 --> 00:33:12,150 Because when you passed the merge before, 696 00:33:12,351 --> 00:33:13,853 you waited too long to put your signal on. 697 00:33:14,053 --> 00:33:14,620 If you had the ability to look ahead, 698 00:33:15,220 --> 00:33:17,155 you would have seen the obstacle before you got to it, 699 00:33:17,356 --> 00:33:18,323 which would have put you in the car in front of me 700 00:33:18,523 --> 00:33:19,726 instead of the car behind me, 701 00:33:19,926 --> 00:33:21,894 which is why we're at this point. 702 00:33:22,461 --> 00:33:24,764 You figured out all this from the way I drive? 703 00:33:24,964 --> 00:33:26,231 I told you! 704 00:33:26,431 --> 00:33:27,566 He's crazy. 705 00:33:27,934 --> 00:33:30,302 Yeah, well, how do you drive? 706 00:33:30,903 --> 00:33:31,904 Not close. 707 00:33:32,772 --> 00:33:34,339 I don't like automatics. 708 00:33:34,539 --> 00:33:37,442 I wanted to buy a stick, my wife wouldn't... 709 00:33:40,445 --> 00:33:41,914 So I was right. 710 00:33:42,347 --> 00:33:44,416 It hasn't been going well... 711 00:33:44,616 --> 00:33:45,885 - Lately. - Lately? 712 00:33:46,218 --> 00:33:49,454 Well, it hasn't been going well for a while. 713 00:33:51,623 --> 00:33:53,191 I'm sorry to hear that. 714 00:33:53,392 --> 00:33:55,260 It wasn't always like this! 715 00:33:55,460 --> 00:33:57,897 Two years ago, I would have seen that merge coming. 716 00:33:58,097 --> 00:34:00,399 Don't be so hard on yourself. It was a heavy merge. 717 00:34:00,599 --> 00:34:03,168 Don't make excuses. A merge is a merge. 718 00:34:03,368 --> 00:34:04,403 If that's the way you feel about it. 719 00:34:04,603 --> 00:34:06,538 That is the way I feel about it! 720 00:34:06,739 --> 00:34:08,875 See, there are a lot of indecisive guys out there 721 00:34:09,075 --> 00:34:10,877 in indecisive marriages. 722 00:34:11,110 --> 00:34:14,814 That is why they put the right turn signal on 723 00:34:15,014 --> 00:34:16,281 before making a left, 724 00:34:16,481 --> 00:34:18,885 and the left one on before making a right. 725 00:34:19,085 --> 00:34:20,853 I can tell you've put a lot of thought into it. 726 00:34:21,054 --> 00:34:24,256 Maybe I was supposed to end up behind you tonight 727 00:34:24,456 --> 00:34:26,625 so you could set me straight. 728 00:34:30,630 --> 00:34:32,732 Do you want to hit me? 729 00:34:33,700 --> 00:34:35,367 I'm not a violent person. 730 00:34:35,567 --> 00:34:38,470 Hey, you could hit my truck? 731 00:34:42,474 --> 00:34:44,911 I mean it might make you feel better. 732 00:34:46,578 --> 00:34:47,412 Hunh? 733 00:34:47,780 --> 00:34:48,881 Careful. 734 00:34:49,082 --> 00:34:50,282 It's a trick. 735 00:34:51,249 --> 00:34:53,920 What do you usually do to work out your aggression? 736 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:55,955 I usually go to the library. 737 00:34:56,221 --> 00:34:57,957 Library's closed. 738 00:34:58,725 --> 00:34:59,926 Hit me! 739 00:35:02,461 --> 00:35:04,463 Ooo, start slow. 740 00:35:04,797 --> 00:35:05,530 Is this good? 741 00:35:05,932 --> 00:35:06,966 Don't talk to me. I'm not supposed to be here. 742 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,434 I'm supposed to be there, unaware you're gonna hit me. 743 00:35:09,635 --> 00:35:10,903 I'd rather you be here. 744 00:35:11,104 --> 00:35:12,805 He can't be. That's why it's called an accident. 745 00:35:13,005 --> 00:35:15,875 Ignore him. Just go slow like you're on a first date. 746 00:35:16,075 --> 00:35:17,677 - How's this? - Good! 747 00:35:17,877 --> 00:35:19,511 Now speed up like you're on the honeymoon. 748 00:35:19,712 --> 00:35:21,613 Boy, this is getting exciting! 749 00:35:21,814 --> 00:35:23,448 Has your life ever flashed before your eyes? 750 00:35:23,649 --> 00:35:25,383 Once, and I didn't like what I saw. 751 00:35:25,584 --> 00:35:26,953 Have you ever had a near-death experience? 752 00:35:27,153 --> 00:35:28,755 I hope I'm about to have one now. 753 00:35:28,955 --> 00:35:31,389 By the way, why are you doing this for me? 754 00:35:31,590 --> 00:35:33,291 Because I like to help people. 755 00:35:33,492 --> 00:35:35,460 And it's also not my truck! 756 00:35:35,661 --> 00:35:40,398 - Ahhhh! - AHHHHHH! 757 00:36:02,621 --> 00:36:05,457 - Doctor, am I going to die? - Yes! 758 00:36:06,025 --> 00:36:08,728 It's a horrible situation. Horrible. 759 00:36:08,995 --> 00:36:11,530 And it doesn't look good. 760 00:36:12,198 --> 00:36:15,001 Well, at least I'll be with my wife. 761 00:36:15,201 --> 00:36:17,536 We'll be putting you under now. 762 00:36:17,737 --> 00:36:19,337 I'm ready. 763 00:36:24,110 --> 00:36:26,679 You're an anesthesiologist? 764 00:36:26,979 --> 00:36:28,748 That's what you do? 765 00:36:28,948 --> 00:36:32,450 See you on the other side. 766 00:36:54,841 --> 00:36:56,976 This is one of the top 10 things that's ever happened to me. 767 00:36:57,176 --> 00:36:58,845 Did you say something? 768 00:36:59,145 --> 00:37:00,378 No. 769 00:37:00,713 --> 00:37:03,015 Mmmm, I like Febreze... 770 00:37:04,449 --> 00:37:06,018 You want some Febreze? 771 00:37:07,519 --> 00:37:09,621 - I'm good. - You sure? 772 00:37:09,822 --> 00:37:11,523 I said no. 773 00:37:11,991 --> 00:37:13,993 My wife likes Febreze. 774 00:37:17,096 --> 00:37:19,065 Alright, I'll try it. 775 00:37:19,464 --> 00:37:21,366 That's one of their best ones. 776 00:37:21,566 --> 00:37:24,402 It reminds me of when my wife and I went on our honeymoon. 777 00:37:24,603 --> 00:37:26,772 You want to know where we went? 778 00:37:31,344 --> 00:37:34,412 - Not especially, no. - Sicily. 779 00:37:34,714 --> 00:37:37,850 I'm Italian, you know. Ahh, it was amazing. 780 00:37:38,184 --> 00:37:39,986 So romantic. Can you imagine? 781 00:37:40,186 --> 00:37:41,553 Linen and Sky. 782 00:37:41,754 --> 00:37:44,123 Hot sun, beautiful beaches. 783 00:37:44,323 --> 00:37:45,992 Skinny dipping at night... 784 00:37:46,192 --> 00:37:48,694 I don't have a great imagination. 785 00:37:48,895 --> 00:37:51,563 - Keep it. - I really don't want to. 786 00:37:52,298 --> 00:37:54,466 Why? I have a lot more scents where that came from. 787 00:37:54,667 --> 00:37:55,801 I would prefer no scents. 788 00:37:56,002 --> 00:37:57,770 I'd rather have some scents than no scents. 789 00:37:57,970 --> 00:37:59,705 If you had any sense, you wouldn't have gotten married. 790 00:37:59,906 --> 00:38:01,140 But I love her. 791 00:38:01,573 --> 00:38:03,075 You left her! 792 00:38:03,508 --> 00:38:04,944 But I came back. 793 00:38:05,410 --> 00:38:08,381 She took you back, which is nonsense. 794 00:38:08,613 --> 00:38:10,149 - She's very understanding. - She's too understanding. 795 00:38:10,349 --> 00:38:12,550 I don't understand. 796 00:38:12,752 --> 00:38:15,087 You're a kid who wears red pants 797 00:38:15,288 --> 00:38:17,555 and belongs to a mushroom society. 798 00:38:17,757 --> 00:38:20,625 - Who would take you seriously? - Apparently she does. 799 00:38:20,826 --> 00:38:22,460 Does she apparently know you stole a truck? 800 00:38:22,695 --> 00:38:24,964 I didn't steal a truck. I borrowed it from a friend. 801 00:38:25,164 --> 00:38:29,135 Who would have you as a friend? 802 00:38:29,335 --> 00:38:30,903 Another mushroom picker? 803 00:38:31,103 --> 00:38:33,505 I was hoping we could be friends. 804 00:38:33,706 --> 00:38:35,775 Real friends, not just acquaintances. 805 00:38:36,642 --> 00:38:38,811 I had my heart set on acquaintances. 806 00:38:39,211 --> 00:38:40,713 The guy that drove the car was my friend. 807 00:38:40,913 --> 00:38:42,181 The guy who was driving the car got divorced. 808 00:38:42,381 --> 00:38:44,549 - He was unhappy. - I'm unhappy. 809 00:38:47,119 --> 00:38:49,621 Your wife would make me less unhappy. 810 00:38:49,822 --> 00:38:50,990 Would "Meadows and Rain" make you happy? 811 00:38:51,190 --> 00:38:52,892 Would you please stop talking about Febreze! 812 00:38:53,092 --> 00:38:54,193 I'm talking about real life. 813 00:38:54,393 --> 00:38:56,461 What's the difference? 814 00:39:04,036 --> 00:39:06,005 Ahhh, hello. 815 00:39:07,073 --> 00:39:08,007 Mmm... 816 00:39:10,176 --> 00:39:12,044 My wife's on her way up. 817 00:39:13,079 --> 00:39:14,612 What? 818 00:39:15,881 --> 00:39:17,183 Ohh... 819 00:39:18,184 --> 00:39:21,619 - I gotta get out of here. - Why? There's no time. 820 00:39:21,887 --> 00:39:23,856 Because if she starts feeling romantic, 821 00:39:24,056 --> 00:39:25,557 I'm not gonna be able to take it. 822 00:39:25,758 --> 00:39:27,159 Turn up the radio. 823 00:39:27,860 --> 00:39:31,998 Hey, switch places with me so I can be closer to the exit? 824 00:39:32,765 --> 00:39:34,233 We could... 825 00:39:34,834 --> 00:39:37,103 but then you'd have a lot more scents. 826 00:39:37,303 --> 00:39:38,104 Hmmm... 827 00:39:38,304 --> 00:39:40,773 I hadn't thought of that. 828 00:40:11,871 --> 00:40:14,006 Hiiii... 829 00:40:14,273 --> 00:40:16,776 Oh, thank you. 830 00:40:18,778 --> 00:40:21,814 No, no, don't worry, I'm okay. 831 00:40:22,014 --> 00:40:23,883 It's the last time I trust the neighbor. 832 00:40:24,083 --> 00:40:27,186 There we were. He wants me to take a ride in his truck. 833 00:40:27,386 --> 00:40:29,922 No, I don't think he's gay. 834 00:40:30,256 --> 00:40:33,225 He said he was married, but his wife died. 835 00:40:33,625 --> 00:40:35,928 At least that's what he said. 836 00:40:36,128 --> 00:40:38,596 We were having this perfectly nice dinner... 837 00:40:38,798 --> 00:40:39,632 Umpff. 838 00:40:39,665 --> 00:40:41,566 I don't think he should throw it. 839 00:40:42,134 --> 00:40:42,835 Why? 840 00:40:43,035 --> 00:40:43,836 He's angry. 841 00:40:44,136 --> 00:40:46,672 Because if he throws it, we'll have to see her, 842 00:40:46,872 --> 00:40:49,574 and I think it's important that we don't see her. 843 00:40:49,775 --> 00:40:50,810 Why? 844 00:40:51,877 --> 00:40:54,013 Because she's not funny. 845 00:40:54,947 --> 00:40:56,348 We could make her funny. 846 00:40:56,549 --> 00:40:58,217 No, I've met her. We can't. 847 00:40:58,451 --> 00:41:00,653 It could be a great scene. 848 00:41:00,853 --> 00:41:02,221 Great scenes aren't always funny. 849 00:41:02,421 --> 00:41:04,256 I hope this one is. 850 00:41:04,457 --> 00:41:05,758 Do you think it's too abrupt? 851 00:41:05,958 --> 00:41:08,027 No! Audiences want something different. 852 00:41:08,828 --> 00:41:11,596 Like us? Even though we're never seen again? 853 00:41:11,797 --> 00:41:15,267 Who wants to see us? We're only the writer and director. 854 00:41:15,501 --> 00:41:16,769 Do you think he's submissive? 855 00:41:16,969 --> 00:41:17,736 Who? 856 00:41:17,770 --> 00:41:19,038 The Kid in the picture. 857 00:41:19,238 --> 00:41:21,807 I don't think so. He's more sick. 858 00:41:22,041 --> 00:41:22,741 That's important. 859 00:41:23,175 --> 00:41:25,377 Otherwise, nobody would believe that he's married. 860 00:41:25,711 --> 00:41:26,312 I'd believe it. 861 00:41:26,745 --> 00:41:28,681 Of course you'd believe it. You wrote it. 862 00:41:28,881 --> 00:41:30,116 Even if I didn't write it, I'd believe it. 863 00:41:30,316 --> 00:41:32,284 They've known each other since high school. 864 00:41:32,485 --> 00:41:34,353 - Did you write that? - No, that's why I believe it. 865 00:41:34,553 --> 00:41:37,089 When you know somebody that long 866 00:41:37,289 --> 00:41:39,024 you really know them. 867 00:41:39,225 --> 00:41:40,759 Why does he stay with her? 868 00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:42,628 Because she's nonthreatening. 869 00:41:42,828 --> 00:41:44,230 Why does she stay with him? 870 00:41:44,430 --> 00:41:46,699 Because she doesn't know any better way to be treated. 871 00:41:46,899 --> 00:41:48,234 The Narrator would treat her better. 872 00:41:48,434 --> 00:41:52,371 The Kid knows that which is why he knows he can't lose her. 873 00:41:52,805 --> 00:41:54,940 Why? He already lost her once. 874 00:41:55,141 --> 00:41:56,876 But she'll never come back twice. 875 00:41:57,109 --> 00:42:00,312 My wife came back twice and I was trying to lose her once. 876 00:42:00,813 --> 00:42:03,716 The Narrator's wife is not coming back. 877 00:42:04,116 --> 00:42:07,253 Don't you think you should mention how she died? 878 00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:10,322 Death isn't funny and it bogs me down. 879 00:42:10,523 --> 00:42:12,858 DON'T BOG ME DOWN! 880 00:42:13,292 --> 00:42:16,128 Alright, but it would be helpful. 881 00:42:17,863 --> 00:42:19,131 Brain aneurism. 882 00:42:23,035 --> 00:42:25,404 The doorman found her and she was gone in 24 hours. 883 00:42:25,604 --> 00:42:26,739 Is that helpful? 884 00:42:27,206 --> 00:42:28,440 Considerably. 885 00:42:31,310 --> 00:42:34,680 I want to give The Narrator another love interest. 886 00:42:35,047 --> 00:42:36,782 Like who? 887 00:42:37,216 --> 00:42:39,084 One of the women on the newspaper staff? 888 00:42:39,285 --> 00:42:40,786 Which one? 889 00:42:40,986 --> 00:42:42,454 The youngest one. 890 00:42:46,091 --> 00:42:49,762 Do you think if I wore an ascot, I'd be a better writer? 891 00:42:51,263 --> 00:42:52,431 Yes. 892 00:42:57,770 --> 00:42:58,904 Aaah. 893 00:42:59,538 --> 00:43:01,006 Thank you. 894 00:43:02,341 --> 00:43:05,211 My cleaning lady usually does that for me. 895 00:43:05,411 --> 00:43:08,113 The last time I saw her, I threatened to have me deported. 896 00:43:08,314 --> 00:43:09,982 Aren't you okay? 897 00:43:11,984 --> 00:43:13,953 - Where did you get that? - What? 898 00:43:14,153 --> 00:43:15,120 That. 899 00:43:15,321 --> 00:43:16,855 This? Downstairs. 900 00:43:18,224 --> 00:43:19,725 What is wrong with you? 901 00:43:19,925 --> 00:43:21,093 I'm sorry, I'm just... 902 00:43:21,293 --> 00:43:22,494 I'm under a lot of pressure. 903 00:43:22,696 --> 00:43:25,764 So is this can, but it's not gonna explode. 904 00:43:26,432 --> 00:43:28,801 Can we just stop talking about the can. 905 00:43:29,001 --> 00:43:31,070 I think you should really get married again. 906 00:43:31,270 --> 00:43:32,805 Ohhhh...! 907 00:43:33,839 --> 00:43:37,943 Wouldn't it be easier just to get another cleaning lady? 908 00:43:39,011 --> 00:43:40,379 I'm not talking about right now. 909 00:43:40,579 --> 00:43:41,280 Good. 910 00:43:41,313 --> 00:43:43,349 I'm talking about the future. 911 00:43:43,549 --> 00:43:44,483 Because right now, 912 00:43:44,850 --> 00:43:49,788 I'm burying myself in my work in order to avoid my personal life. 913 00:43:51,156 --> 00:43:52,791 What kind of work? 914 00:43:53,693 --> 00:43:58,197 Well, it's a new screenplay based on a neighbor. 915 00:43:58,864 --> 00:44:02,201 Is it about a woman who's been married three times? 916 00:44:02,401 --> 00:44:05,271 Because if it is, all I ask is that you spell my name right. 917 00:44:05,471 --> 00:44:07,873 I would if it was, but it isn't. 918 00:44:08,207 --> 00:44:10,075 Then who is it about? 919 00:44:13,112 --> 00:44:15,114 I'd really rather not say. 920 00:44:15,381 --> 00:44:17,216 Then what's it about? 921 00:44:17,483 --> 00:44:20,119 I'd really rather not say that, either. 922 00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:23,989 You are so similar to my middle husband. 923 00:44:24,189 --> 00:44:26,458 - Was he a writer? - He was a liar. 924 00:44:26,859 --> 00:44:28,227 A good writer can be both. 925 00:44:28,427 --> 00:44:30,029 A good husband can't be. 926 00:44:30,229 --> 00:44:31,964 What did he lie about? 927 00:44:32,164 --> 00:44:33,999 I'd rather not say. 928 00:44:34,233 --> 00:44:35,901 Unless I say so first, right? 929 00:44:36,135 --> 00:44:38,304 He was a good negotiator as well. 930 00:44:38,504 --> 00:44:42,841 Alight, it's about the new guy at the newspaper. 931 00:44:43,542 --> 00:44:45,911 Who? The Kid? 932 00:44:46,512 --> 00:44:48,113 How many other guys do we have? 933 00:44:48,314 --> 00:44:49,882 Sadly, not enough. 934 00:44:50,082 --> 00:44:50,983 What? 935 00:44:51,183 --> 00:44:52,451 I'm not enough? 936 00:44:52,686 --> 00:44:53,419 You are. 937 00:44:53,720 --> 00:44:56,555 But I like you too much to have sex with you, 938 00:44:56,756 --> 00:44:58,824 although we have great banter. 939 00:44:59,024 --> 00:45:00,225 And you were married 3 times? 940 00:45:00,426 --> 00:45:02,027 And I didn't like any of them, 941 00:45:02,227 --> 00:45:03,996 which is why I thought it would work out. 942 00:45:04,196 --> 00:45:05,297 You were surprised when it didn't? 943 00:45:05,497 --> 00:45:06,498 Yes. 944 00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,201 I guess I just didn't dislike them enough, 945 00:45:09,401 --> 00:45:12,338 which is strange because I hated the third one. 946 00:45:12,538 --> 00:45:15,607 I think you could really grow to dislike this Kid. 947 00:45:15,809 --> 00:45:17,443 I certainly did. 948 00:45:18,377 --> 00:45:21,447 - Then maybe it would work out. - He's married also. 949 00:45:21,648 --> 00:45:23,515 Ah, then forget it. 950 00:45:23,717 --> 00:45:25,951 I wouldn't do to her what someone did to me. 951 00:45:26,185 --> 00:45:27,119 Ohh... 952 00:45:27,453 --> 00:45:30,255 - Your husband cheated? - One of them. 953 00:45:30,589 --> 00:45:32,858 But not with a woman. 954 00:45:37,262 --> 00:45:38,897 Which one? 955 00:45:39,098 --> 00:45:40,999 Which husband or which man? 956 00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:42,234 Either. 957 00:45:42,635 --> 00:45:44,470 There was the first one with someone from 958 00:45:44,671 --> 00:45:46,338 the Second Avenue Deli. 959 00:45:46,538 --> 00:45:48,440 I don't think The Kid works at a deli. 960 00:45:48,641 --> 00:45:50,109 He always seems to be around. 961 00:45:50,309 --> 00:45:51,410 What does he do? 962 00:45:51,610 --> 00:45:52,645 I don't know, 963 00:45:52,846 --> 00:45:54,613 but he has money. 964 00:45:54,814 --> 00:45:57,516 - Where's his family from? - Sicily. 965 00:45:57,817 --> 00:45:59,451 Do you think he's in the mob? 966 00:45:59,652 --> 00:46:01,487 They'd have him serving espressos in the back room 967 00:46:01,688 --> 00:46:03,122 if he was. 968 00:46:04,623 --> 00:46:06,558 What is his wife like? 969 00:46:10,028 --> 00:46:11,363 Attractive. 970 00:46:13,065 --> 00:46:14,566 - Really? - Uh-huh. 971 00:46:14,900 --> 00:46:16,435 When did you see her? 972 00:46:16,636 --> 00:46:18,337 I saw her at the... 973 00:46:19,405 --> 00:46:20,038 hospital. 974 00:46:20,506 --> 00:46:22,908 I got a look at her through the privacy curtain. 975 00:46:23,108 --> 00:46:26,111 Did he ever apologize for that car accident? 976 00:46:26,311 --> 00:46:29,649 God, he never apologized for the attic accident. 977 00:46:30,115 --> 00:46:31,917 Which reminds me, how's your dog? 978 00:46:32,117 --> 00:46:33,118 Hmmm... 979 00:46:33,585 --> 00:46:35,387 He's still recuperating. 980 00:46:35,587 --> 00:46:39,191 He just stares at the ceiling and shakes his head. 981 00:46:41,661 --> 00:46:44,029 Poor thing. He'll get over it. 982 00:46:53,005 --> 00:46:54,273 I'm still not over it. 983 00:46:54,473 --> 00:46:57,176 - Then get over it! - Uhhh... 984 00:46:58,243 --> 00:46:59,411 Are you okay? 985 00:46:59,611 --> 00:47:02,214 Yeah, I think the neck brace is a little tight. 986 00:47:02,414 --> 00:47:04,082 You need to see that Kid again. 987 00:47:04,283 --> 00:47:06,151 Oh no, I just spent a week with him at the hospital 988 00:47:06,351 --> 00:47:07,586 I can't take anymore. 989 00:47:07,787 --> 00:47:10,389 But you're a writer and he's your subject. 990 00:47:10,622 --> 00:47:12,558 If you're going to go up to the bell, then ring it. 991 00:47:12,759 --> 00:47:14,526 I've rung the bell. It's hollow! 992 00:47:14,727 --> 00:47:16,195 HOLLOW! 993 00:47:16,395 --> 00:47:17,697 Then keep ringing it. 994 00:47:17,897 --> 00:47:18,964 Why? 995 00:47:19,164 --> 00:47:20,432 There's no one home. 996 00:47:22,100 --> 00:47:24,603 Maybe if you keep ringing it then maybe someday 997 00:47:24,804 --> 00:47:27,105 someone will come to the door. 998 00:47:31,043 --> 00:47:33,011 I hope it's his wife. 999 00:48:16,789 --> 00:48:18,357 Paula... 1000 00:48:18,624 --> 00:48:22,060 You remember our first days. You remember Italy. 1001 00:48:22,261 --> 00:48:23,328 There've been times when 1002 00:48:23,529 --> 00:48:25,632 I thought I only dreamed those days. 1003 00:48:25,832 --> 00:48:27,599 Come closer, Paula. 1004 00:48:29,802 --> 00:48:31,236 Closer. 1005 00:48:36,341 --> 00:48:38,076 Look into my eyes. 1006 00:48:38,443 --> 00:48:42,180 If I ever meant anything to you and I believe I did... 1007 00:48:42,481 --> 00:48:44,449 Then help me Paula. 1008 00:48:57,697 --> 00:49:00,065 Don't tell me you're dealing with another palimony suit? 1009 00:49:00,265 --> 00:49:03,268 Yes, but worse. This time, I'm the defendant. 1010 00:49:03,468 --> 00:49:04,136 Again? 1011 00:49:04,469 --> 00:49:06,739 - You should just get a cat. - I hate cats. 1012 00:49:06,940 --> 00:49:09,074 They close their eyes when they eat, it's just... 1013 00:49:09,274 --> 00:49:10,009 So? 1014 00:49:10,275 --> 00:49:12,144 So I want them to know who's feeding them 1015 00:49:12,344 --> 00:49:14,146 and who's paying for everything. 1016 00:49:14,346 --> 00:49:16,783 You wouldn't get sued so much if you weren't such a tough guy. 1017 00:49:16,983 --> 00:49:20,319 I'm not a tough guy. I just know how to hurt people 1018 00:49:21,420 --> 00:49:22,055 So what are you having? 1019 00:49:22,321 --> 00:49:23,056 Litigation if you're not careful. 1020 00:49:23,455 --> 00:49:25,725 As your lawyer, I'm telling you to drop the case. 1021 00:49:25,925 --> 00:49:27,426 It's not a case. He's a kid. 1022 00:49:27,626 --> 00:49:29,394 He's a basket-case kid. Just drop him. 1023 00:49:29,595 --> 00:49:30,863 Not that simple. 1024 00:49:31,631 --> 00:49:34,232 He endangered your life, put you in the hospital. 1025 00:49:34,433 --> 00:49:35,334 It's very simple. 1026 00:49:35,534 --> 00:49:37,804 - I can't do it to him. - He'd do it to you. 1027 00:49:38,004 --> 00:49:40,238 No, he wouldn't unless I do it to him first. 1028 00:49:40,439 --> 00:49:42,140 A counter suit. Even better. 1029 00:49:42,341 --> 00:49:43,676 Better for you not for me. 1030 00:49:44,077 --> 00:49:45,577 What are you talking about? 1031 00:49:45,778 --> 00:49:47,880 I see liability everywhere. Just look at this menu. 1032 00:49:48,081 --> 00:49:49,882 I don't see specials. 1033 00:49:50,083 --> 00:49:51,684 I see misspellings. 1034 00:49:51,951 --> 00:49:54,353 "Spicy Tina." What is that? C'mon! 1035 00:49:54,553 --> 00:49:57,724 - They mean tuna roll. - That's raw, somebody... 1036 00:49:57,924 --> 00:50:00,860 - Turn it off for a second! - No, I can't, no, I can't. 1037 00:50:01,060 --> 00:50:03,796 I suspect everyone, especially if they're frameable. 1038 00:50:03,997 --> 00:50:06,131 It doesn't even matter if they're guilty, not guilty... 1039 00:50:06,331 --> 00:50:08,400 - You suspect The Kid? - I suspect The Kid... 1040 00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:11,336 his wife and definitely the ducks. 1041 00:50:11,536 --> 00:50:13,873 If he was my client, I'd plea bargain. 1042 00:50:14,073 --> 00:50:15,675 Not everything is a negotiation. 1043 00:50:15,875 --> 00:50:16,541 Oh, yeah? 1044 00:50:16,743 --> 00:50:17,677 Hey, excuse me. 1045 00:50:18,210 --> 00:50:21,346 Yeah, I get $350 an hour, we're already $150 into it. 1046 00:50:21,546 --> 00:50:23,315 Where's my edamame? 1047 00:50:24,917 --> 00:50:26,151 Oh! 1048 00:50:27,720 --> 00:50:29,656 I'm a Republican too. 1049 00:50:31,658 --> 00:50:33,492 - You see? - Yeah, I see. 1050 00:50:33,693 --> 00:50:34,694 You're charging me by the hour. 1051 00:50:34,894 --> 00:50:35,895 If you didn't get sued so much, 1052 00:50:36,095 --> 00:50:37,429 you wouldn't have to charge so much. 1053 00:50:37,630 --> 00:50:38,363 I'll pick up the lunch. 1054 00:50:38,597 --> 00:50:39,899 Which means I'm picking up the lunch. 1055 00:50:40,099 --> 00:50:41,433 Since there's not going to be any suit, 1056 00:50:41,634 --> 00:50:42,702 there's not going to be any settlement. 1057 00:50:42,902 --> 00:50:44,603 What would I settle for? 1058 00:50:45,872 --> 00:50:47,305 His wife. 1059 00:50:50,609 --> 00:50:51,778 I'll think about it. 1060 00:50:51,978 --> 00:50:52,745 Don't think too long. 1061 00:50:52,945 --> 00:50:53,545 I'm not gonna have to. 1062 00:50:54,013 --> 00:50:55,648 I'm seeing The Kid tomorrow night for dinner. 1063 00:50:55,848 --> 00:50:58,583 - Will she be there? - I'll settle for that. 1064 00:50:59,085 --> 00:51:01,754 Do you have shrimp cocktail with the sauce, no rice? 1065 00:51:01,954 --> 00:51:03,422 Red sauce, no rice. 1066 00:51:03,622 --> 00:51:05,290 Spicy, spicy... 1067 00:51:07,359 --> 00:51:10,730 Now the fact is I couldn't settle for that. 1068 00:51:15,835 --> 00:51:17,904 I had gotten to the point in my script where 1069 00:51:18,104 --> 00:51:19,772 I started to wonder. 1070 00:51:22,041 --> 00:51:24,811 Was it The Kid's motives I was questioning? 1071 00:51:27,814 --> 00:51:29,214 - Oh my God! - Hi! 1072 00:51:29,414 --> 00:51:30,415 Or mine? 1073 00:51:30,615 --> 00:51:32,551 - You're not her. - Miss me? 1074 00:51:47,900 --> 00:51:49,936 What do you think? 1075 00:51:53,072 --> 00:51:53,940 My grandmother used to say, 1076 00:51:54,207 --> 00:51:57,844 "The cleaner the house, the more they're hiding." 1077 00:52:02,314 --> 00:52:03,482 Oh... 1078 00:52:04,483 --> 00:52:06,351 I'm so sorry. 1079 00:52:08,755 --> 00:52:10,890 What is this? Popcorn? 1080 00:52:12,324 --> 00:52:14,626 I don't know what you think I'm hiding. 1081 00:52:15,194 --> 00:52:16,763 Other than your wife? 1082 00:52:16,963 --> 00:52:18,563 She's at the lake house. I told you. 1083 00:52:18,765 --> 00:52:20,365 No, you didn't. I didn't even know you had a lake house. 1084 00:52:20,565 --> 00:52:21,067 I don't. 1085 00:52:21,533 --> 00:52:23,401 But if I did, that's where she'd be. 1086 00:52:23,602 --> 00:52:26,438 As it is, she's at her photography class. 1087 00:52:28,340 --> 00:52:30,009 - This you? - Yes. 1088 00:52:30,375 --> 00:52:32,879 - Is that her? - Who else would it be? 1089 00:52:33,079 --> 00:52:34,579 What do you think? 1090 00:52:34,781 --> 00:52:36,414 I don't know... 1091 00:52:36,615 --> 00:52:39,484 Looks like you're running away from something. 1092 00:52:41,620 --> 00:52:43,421 Is this hers too? 1093 00:52:43,656 --> 00:52:45,624 - She's good. - They are good, aren't they? 1094 00:52:45,825 --> 00:52:46,793 Real good. 1095 00:52:48,027 --> 00:52:50,362 Ooh, look at that composition. 1096 00:52:55,500 --> 00:52:57,335 They're not hers. 1097 00:53:02,541 --> 00:53:03,608 What is hers? 1098 00:53:03,843 --> 00:53:06,979 The baked ziti. Would you like some salad? 1099 00:53:07,312 --> 00:53:10,549 - She can cook, too? - She can do a lot of things. 1100 00:53:12,652 --> 00:53:13,920 What can you do? 1101 00:53:14,120 --> 00:53:15,353 You asked me that before. 1102 00:53:15,554 --> 00:53:16,856 I'm asking again. 1103 00:53:19,058 --> 00:53:21,027 I'm a mechanical engineer. 1104 00:53:21,227 --> 00:53:21,994 Oh, yeah? 1105 00:53:22,195 --> 00:53:23,696 Can you fix a clogged drain? 1106 00:53:23,930 --> 00:53:24,931 Ah, yeah. 1107 00:53:26,065 --> 00:53:27,332 Then you're a plumber. 1108 00:53:27,532 --> 00:53:28,600 You're very quick. 1109 00:53:29,001 --> 00:53:30,002 Not really. 1110 00:53:31,871 --> 00:53:33,605 Mmm... Pass the salad. 1111 00:53:37,009 --> 00:53:38,543 You're not good when I give you compliments. 1112 00:53:38,744 --> 00:53:39,344 Have you ever given me one? 1113 00:53:39,779 --> 00:53:41,379 See what I mean? I just said you were very quick 1114 00:53:41,580 --> 00:53:42,815 and you replied with a quip. 1115 00:53:43,015 --> 00:53:44,616 What do you want me to say? 1116 00:53:44,817 --> 00:53:46,484 I want you to say, 1117 00:53:46,953 --> 00:53:48,054 "Thank you." 1118 00:53:48,353 --> 00:53:50,022 Don't tell me what to say. 1119 00:53:50,223 --> 00:53:51,590 If you don't say what I want then I'm going to stop 1120 00:53:51,791 --> 00:53:52,992 giving you compliments. 1121 00:53:53,192 --> 00:53:54,961 I don't want you to give me compliments. 1122 00:53:55,161 --> 00:53:56,662 I'd rather you criticize my criticisms. 1123 00:53:56,929 --> 00:53:57,763 That's not as powerful. 1124 00:53:57,964 --> 00:54:00,365 Oh? Is that what this is about? 1125 00:54:00,565 --> 00:54:01,167 Power? 1126 00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:03,069 Are these the mind games you play on your wife? 1127 00:54:03,269 --> 00:54:04,569 None of your business. 1128 00:54:04,770 --> 00:54:06,038 I think it is my business. 1129 00:54:06,239 --> 00:54:08,908 I think at a party when a husband only introduces himself 1130 00:54:09,108 --> 00:54:10,643 and the woman he's with has to say, 1131 00:54:10,843 --> 00:54:13,545 "And I'm his wife," that's my business. 1132 00:54:13,746 --> 00:54:15,114 I think when a husband gets so drunk 1133 00:54:15,314 --> 00:54:16,782 that he jumps in his neighbor's car 1134 00:54:16,983 --> 00:54:18,117 and asks that neighbor to drive him home, 1135 00:54:18,317 --> 00:54:19,852 leaving his wife standing on the street... 1136 00:54:20,052 --> 00:54:21,553 That's my business. 1137 00:54:22,554 --> 00:54:25,691 - Who are you talking about? - I'm talking about you, Kid. 1138 00:54:26,125 --> 00:54:28,794 The first time I saw you wasn't at that newspaper meeting. 1139 00:54:28,995 --> 00:54:31,063 It was at a party back in December. 1140 00:54:31,731 --> 00:54:34,166 - I don't remember meeting you. - You didn't. 1141 00:54:34,367 --> 00:54:36,769 But I met your wife. I spoke to her. 1142 00:54:36,969 --> 00:54:37,770 When? 1143 00:54:38,971 --> 00:54:39,972 Right after you got so drunk, 1144 00:54:40,172 --> 00:54:41,406 she had to tell you to calm down. 1145 00:54:41,606 --> 00:54:42,975 What did you say? 1146 00:54:43,175 --> 00:54:44,911 I told her she could do better. 1147 00:54:45,111 --> 00:54:46,544 - What did she say? - Nothing. 1148 00:54:46,746 --> 00:54:48,848 She just looked at me with this vacant stare. 1149 00:54:49,048 --> 00:54:49,682 That's because she's shy. 1150 00:54:49,882 --> 00:54:51,817 No, that's because she's vacant. 1151 00:54:52,018 --> 00:54:55,121 - What's the difference? - Being married to you. 1152 00:54:55,688 --> 00:54:57,189 I vaguely remember that party. 1153 00:54:57,390 --> 00:54:58,423 I clearly remember it. 1154 00:54:58,623 --> 00:54:59,457 Why? 1155 00:54:59,759 --> 00:55:03,062 Because you were wearing those same stupid red pants. 1156 00:55:05,597 --> 00:55:06,866 What's wrong with these pants anyway? 1157 00:55:07,066 --> 00:55:07,833 Nothing... 1158 00:55:08,034 --> 00:55:08,701 If you were 20 years old and 1159 00:55:09,201 --> 00:55:11,203 mimicking your personality from Abercrombie and Fitch. 1160 00:55:11,404 --> 00:55:14,173 - I'm not mimicking anybody. - Then say something original. 1161 00:55:15,775 --> 00:55:16,776 You say it first. 1162 00:55:17,009 --> 00:55:18,576 It'd be much more interesting if you did. 1163 00:55:19,078 --> 00:55:20,578 Are you saying I'm not interesting? 1164 00:55:20,780 --> 00:55:21,981 No... 1165 00:55:22,181 --> 00:55:24,951 I'm saying the most interesting thing about you... 1166 00:55:25,151 --> 00:55:26,085 is me. 1167 00:55:28,821 --> 00:55:30,022 What was that? 1168 00:55:30,222 --> 00:55:31,691 I had an itch. 1169 00:55:32,590 --> 00:55:33,826 An itch? 1170 00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:36,228 I mean, look at this house. 1171 00:55:36,696 --> 00:55:40,598 What could anyone possibly know about the people that live here? 1172 00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:42,567 That they're neat and clean? 1173 00:55:42,902 --> 00:55:43,836 Is that a bad thing? 1174 00:55:44,036 --> 00:55:44,770 Not really. 1175 00:55:45,137 --> 00:55:47,907 But when I walk into a room, I act like I own it. 1176 00:55:48,107 --> 00:55:50,542 When you walk into a room, you act like you're renting it. 1177 00:55:50,743 --> 00:55:51,177 Where's the clutter? 1178 00:55:51,476 --> 00:55:53,179 - The what? - The clutter. 1179 00:55:53,511 --> 00:55:56,649 The stuff that makes up a relationship, a real life. 1180 00:55:58,150 --> 00:55:59,251 I have clutter. 1181 00:56:00,086 --> 00:56:01,053 Where is it? 1182 00:56:01,654 --> 00:56:03,022 Upstairs. 1183 00:57:03,749 --> 00:57:04,850 That's it? 1184 00:57:05,251 --> 00:57:06,252 Isn't that clutter? 1185 00:57:06,452 --> 00:57:08,921 That's organized clutter. 1186 00:57:09,121 --> 00:57:11,023 Yeah, it took me hours to get it to look that way. 1187 00:57:11,223 --> 00:57:12,291 It should have taken you years. 1188 00:57:12,491 --> 00:57:13,659 I don't have that kind of time. 1189 00:57:13,859 --> 00:57:15,627 - Then make it. - How? 1190 00:57:15,828 --> 00:57:17,630 By getting a bigger cabinet, 1191 00:57:17,830 --> 00:57:20,099 in another house, in a different town. 1192 00:57:20,299 --> 00:57:21,667 Well, I'm not moving. 1193 00:57:21,867 --> 00:57:23,302 I think you should consider it. 1194 00:57:23,502 --> 00:57:25,905 I think you're out of your element. 1195 00:57:26,172 --> 00:57:26,872 I like my element. 1196 00:57:27,373 --> 00:57:30,209 Do you even know what your element is because I don't. 1197 00:57:30,409 --> 00:57:32,311 You have no emotion, no inflections, no opinions. 1198 00:57:32,511 --> 00:57:34,146 In short, you have no empathy. 1199 00:57:34,346 --> 00:57:36,182 - I don't understand. - Exactly. 1200 00:57:36,482 --> 00:57:38,684 When was the last time you cried? 1201 00:57:38,918 --> 00:57:40,319 In about ten minutes. 1202 00:57:40,618 --> 00:57:43,355 There's like a chunk of you that's missing. 1203 00:57:43,588 --> 00:57:44,957 Maybe it's in the clutter. 1204 00:57:45,157 --> 00:57:47,193 - I bet you don't even vote. - I don't, do you? 1205 00:57:47,393 --> 00:57:48,961 - I'm not telling you. - I'm not telling you either. 1206 00:57:49,161 --> 00:57:50,329 - You just did. - You tricked me. 1207 00:57:50,529 --> 00:57:52,164 You tricked yourself. 1208 00:57:52,531 --> 00:57:53,666 Does your wife vote? 1209 00:57:53,866 --> 00:57:55,334 She hasn't voted since high school. 1210 00:57:55,534 --> 00:57:58,971 This is not high school. This is life school, 1211 00:57:59,171 --> 00:58:00,605 and you have to participate. 1212 00:58:00,806 --> 00:58:01,974 What if I don't want to participate? 1213 00:58:02,174 --> 00:58:03,608 Then you get marked as absent 1214 00:58:03,809 --> 00:58:06,946 and you don't get any presents at Christmas time. 1215 00:58:08,114 --> 00:58:10,649 - I like presents. - Oh? 1216 00:58:23,929 --> 00:58:24,897 What's that? 1217 00:58:25,097 --> 00:58:26,765 That is a house-warming present. 1218 00:58:26,966 --> 00:58:29,168 There's more where that came from if you join us. 1219 00:58:29,368 --> 00:58:30,669 Where do I join up? 1220 00:58:31,103 --> 00:58:32,304 Any place there's an opinion. 1221 00:58:32,505 --> 00:58:34,006 The kitchen table is a good place to start. 1222 00:58:34,206 --> 00:58:35,975 I don't have a kitchen table. 1223 00:58:36,175 --> 00:58:37,209 That's probably why you don't vote. 1224 00:58:37,409 --> 00:58:38,377 I have a dining room table. 1225 00:58:38,577 --> 00:58:39,278 Not the same. 1226 00:58:39,311 --> 00:58:40,379 But I can make a kitchen table. 1227 00:58:40,579 --> 00:58:41,013 Building is good. 1228 00:58:41,413 --> 00:58:43,048 I built everything in this house. 1229 00:58:43,249 --> 00:58:44,049 Rebuilding is better. 1230 00:58:44,450 --> 00:58:46,986 - What's wrong with this house? - It's monotonous. 1231 00:58:47,186 --> 00:58:49,121 It's why you speak in a monotone. 1232 00:58:49,321 --> 00:58:49,822 Oh yeah? 1233 00:58:50,089 --> 00:58:52,825 At least my house isn't messy. 1234 00:59:02,001 --> 00:59:04,837 How do you know that my house is messy? 1235 00:59:06,071 --> 00:59:08,707 Were you in there when I wasn't home? 1236 00:59:14,146 --> 00:59:16,115 - Were you? - You left the back door open. 1237 00:59:16,382 --> 00:59:18,284 The back door is for the dog, not for you. 1238 00:59:18,484 --> 00:59:19,151 How is the dog? 1239 00:59:19,418 --> 00:59:21,187 He's fine. Don't change the subject. 1240 00:59:21,387 --> 00:59:22,188 Well... 1241 00:59:23,422 --> 00:59:25,457 - Your desk is nice. - Thank you. 1242 00:59:27,860 --> 00:59:30,296 Did you see anything interesting on my nice desk? 1243 00:59:30,496 --> 00:59:33,265 - Your desk light is nice too. - I know. 1244 00:59:33,699 --> 00:59:36,001 Did you read anything interesting on my nice desk 1245 00:59:36,202 --> 00:59:37,703 with my nice desk light? 1246 00:59:38,003 --> 00:59:40,239 Not really. Just a script. 1247 00:59:40,606 --> 00:59:42,141 But your handwriting is very hard to read. 1248 00:59:42,341 --> 00:59:43,876 I'm sorry, I'll work on that. 1249 00:59:44,076 --> 00:59:46,078 And what did you think of my script? 1250 00:59:46,278 --> 00:59:48,814 I think if you thought that was an expensive bottle of wine 1251 00:59:49,014 --> 00:59:50,216 that I ordered at the restaurant, 1252 00:59:50,416 --> 00:59:52,051 then you'd be wrong. 1253 00:59:53,552 --> 00:59:55,487 And that's all you have to say? 1254 00:59:55,955 --> 00:59:59,959 Other than that? I thought it was a very well-written scene. 1255 01:00:06,165 --> 01:00:08,000 Am I missing something? 1256 01:00:10,102 --> 01:00:11,971 Everything! 1257 01:00:12,338 --> 01:00:14,306 You know I'm making you much more interesting 1258 01:00:14,506 --> 01:00:16,275 than you actually are. 1259 01:00:19,311 --> 01:00:22,414 You really should clean up that house of yours. 1260 01:00:22,615 --> 01:00:24,350 - Oh, no... - I could do it. 1261 01:00:24,617 --> 01:00:27,219 - No, no, no... - It wouldn't take any time. 1262 01:00:27,419 --> 01:00:28,187 It's messy. 1263 01:00:28,587 --> 01:00:32,091 It's messy because there's a real, actual life 1264 01:00:32,291 --> 01:00:34,193 going on in there! 1265 01:00:34,661 --> 01:00:36,395 Plus I have a dog. 1266 01:00:36,595 --> 01:00:37,763 I had ducks. 1267 01:00:37,963 --> 01:00:39,431 You had...? 1268 01:00:39,633 --> 01:00:40,866 I ate them. 1269 01:00:41,533 --> 01:00:42,868 You seem upset. 1270 01:00:44,336 --> 01:00:46,105 I am upset. 1271 01:00:52,945 --> 01:00:54,980 I had the wrong shelf. 1272 01:00:55,247 --> 01:00:56,782 What? 1273 01:00:57,883 --> 01:00:59,151 Nothing. 1274 01:01:00,586 --> 01:01:02,955 How can you live like this? 1275 01:01:03,355 --> 01:01:05,424 Knock those pencils over. 1276 01:01:06,959 --> 01:01:08,294 - I can't. - Try. 1277 01:01:08,460 --> 01:01:09,094 I cannot. 1278 01:01:09,428 --> 01:01:11,063 I order you to knock those pencils over! 1279 01:01:11,263 --> 01:01:12,064 You knock them over for me. 1280 01:01:12,331 --> 01:01:14,900 No, you're going to do something first, first! 1281 01:01:15,100 --> 01:01:16,535 I'll pay you to do it. 1282 01:01:19,405 --> 01:01:21,073 How much do I owe you? 1283 01:01:21,407 --> 01:01:22,841 I insist. 1284 01:01:33,986 --> 01:01:35,421 Now, we're even! 1285 01:01:39,425 --> 01:01:40,859 Your wife paints? 1286 01:01:41,060 --> 01:01:41,593 She did. 1287 01:01:43,663 --> 01:01:45,264 So did mine. 1288 01:01:45,597 --> 01:01:47,366 Was she any good? 1289 01:01:49,234 --> 01:01:50,936 The truth is she turned to the brush 1290 01:01:51,136 --> 01:01:52,604 instead of the bottle. 1291 01:01:52,871 --> 01:01:55,174 She should have turned to the bottle. 1292 01:01:55,374 --> 01:01:56,875 But instead all I said was, 1293 01:01:57,076 --> 01:01:58,010 Yes... 1294 01:01:58,210 --> 01:01:59,445 She was very good. 1295 01:01:59,646 --> 01:02:01,180 Mine was, too. 1296 01:02:02,181 --> 01:02:03,349 What a surprise. 1297 01:02:03,549 --> 01:02:04,183 I'm not mirroring you. 1298 01:02:04,550 --> 01:02:06,552 You can't be, it's a one-way mirror. 1299 01:02:06,753 --> 01:02:08,587 I can see you, you can't see me. 1300 01:02:08,788 --> 01:02:10,356 Oh yeah? Why is that? 1301 01:02:10,556 --> 01:02:12,324 Because when one side of the mirror is brightly lit 1302 01:02:12,524 --> 01:02:14,059 and the other side is darkened, 1303 01:02:14,259 --> 01:02:16,462 you can only see from the darkened side. 1304 01:02:16,663 --> 01:02:18,230 Why do I have to be the one that's brightly lit? 1305 01:02:18,430 --> 01:02:20,366 Because you're the one wearing the red pants. 1306 01:02:20,599 --> 01:02:22,601 And I'm the one all in black. 1307 01:02:22,802 --> 01:02:25,070 - You're an imp. - Thank you. 1308 01:02:25,270 --> 01:02:27,005 I hate imps. 1309 01:02:27,439 --> 01:02:29,608 No one talks to them at parties, 1310 01:02:29,809 --> 01:02:32,611 and somehow they still find me. How do they always find me? 1311 01:02:32,812 --> 01:02:34,480 It was you who found me. 1312 01:02:34,681 --> 01:02:36,915 You came up to me that day after the newspaper meeting. 1313 01:02:37,116 --> 01:02:39,351 You came up to me, I did not come up to you, imp. 1314 01:02:39,551 --> 01:02:40,653 Then why didn't you walk away? 1315 01:02:40,854 --> 01:02:42,588 I really don't know. 1316 01:02:44,590 --> 01:02:47,192 I think morbid curiosity. 1317 01:02:48,160 --> 01:02:52,598 You were so odd, so strange, that I was intrigued. 1318 01:02:53,232 --> 01:02:54,299 Is that it? 1319 01:02:54,500 --> 01:02:55,635 No, that's just the beginning. 1320 01:02:55,835 --> 01:02:58,270 Then I found myself being defensive. 1321 01:02:58,470 --> 01:03:00,072 Why are you so sensitive? 1322 01:03:00,272 --> 01:03:02,541 Because of you, because you're so manipulative. 1323 01:03:02,742 --> 01:03:05,611 You want me to explain why you think I'm sensitive. 1324 01:03:05,812 --> 01:03:06,679 And I won't. 1325 01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:08,947 - Are you done? - I will be... 1326 01:03:10,082 --> 01:03:11,885 Once I get over my depression. 1327 01:03:12,117 --> 01:03:13,385 You're depressed? 1328 01:03:13,585 --> 01:03:14,920 Not as much as you. 1329 01:03:15,120 --> 01:03:17,423 I'm always happy. Like a Bollywood movie. 1330 01:03:17,623 --> 01:03:18,957 That's what's depressing. 1331 01:03:19,158 --> 01:03:20,526 Bollywood movies aren't depressing. 1332 01:03:20,727 --> 01:03:23,429 You base your emotional life on Indian musicals. 1333 01:03:23,630 --> 01:03:25,397 - Yes. - Why? 1334 01:03:25,597 --> 01:03:27,032 Because even after the sad parts, 1335 01:03:27,232 --> 01:03:29,067 they still sing and dance. 1336 01:03:32,337 --> 01:03:35,507 Reality just isn't good enough for you, is it? 1337 01:03:35,775 --> 01:03:37,976 Is this the sad part? 1338 01:03:38,177 --> 01:03:40,312 This is the sad part. 1339 01:03:40,713 --> 01:03:42,414 I thought so. 1340 01:03:45,284 --> 01:03:47,453 Do you think your wife is happy? 1341 01:03:48,788 --> 01:03:50,522 I've never thought about it. 1342 01:03:53,025 --> 01:03:54,393 Think about it. 1343 01:04:04,336 --> 01:04:05,270 Yes. 1344 01:04:08,407 --> 01:04:10,375 I think she's tired. 1345 01:04:10,910 --> 01:04:12,679 And I think you're out of control. 1346 01:04:12,879 --> 01:04:14,613 And you're in control? 1347 01:04:16,315 --> 01:04:18,116 At least I don't have to wrap my personality 1348 01:04:18,317 --> 01:04:20,152 around someone else's in order to have one. 1349 01:04:20,352 --> 01:04:22,387 - Is that a compliment? - That is an observation. 1350 01:04:22,588 --> 01:04:24,122 You have other observations? I'd love to hear them. 1351 01:04:24,323 --> 01:04:25,491 - No, you wouldn't. - Why? 1352 01:04:25,692 --> 01:04:27,526 Because you're loveless. 1353 01:04:28,293 --> 01:04:31,396 You have no passion for anyone or anything. 1354 01:04:31,664 --> 01:04:34,299 And I don't know why. I don't even think you know why. 1355 01:04:34,500 --> 01:04:36,368 Or maybe you do and this is all just an act, 1356 01:04:36,568 --> 01:04:37,236 but I doubt it. 1357 01:04:37,704 --> 01:04:40,707 What I do know is that no one can give it to you. 1358 01:04:40,907 --> 01:04:44,142 You have to go and get it all on your own. 1359 01:04:51,550 --> 01:04:52,417 You're blocking the door? 1360 01:04:52,685 --> 01:04:55,521 No, I'm just leaning against it rather harshly. 1361 01:04:55,822 --> 01:04:59,124 - Why do you say I'm loveless? - Because I am! 1362 01:04:59,759 --> 01:05:02,194 And if someone as loveless as you can find a girl 1363 01:05:02,394 --> 01:05:04,329 who loves him like that, 1364 01:05:04,831 --> 01:05:06,331 then that is the girl for me. 1365 01:05:06,532 --> 01:05:07,599 Is that why you're leaving? Because of her? 1366 01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:09,301 No, I'm leaving because of you. 1367 01:05:09,501 --> 01:05:11,603 Because you're more loveless than I am, 1368 01:05:11,804 --> 01:05:14,807 which means you'll need her far more than I ever will. 1369 01:05:15,040 --> 01:05:16,308 But I thought we were friends? 1370 01:05:16,508 --> 01:05:17,644 We are not and never were. 1371 01:05:17,844 --> 01:05:19,779 - I thought after all this time. - What time? 1372 01:05:19,979 --> 01:05:21,146 I've only known you for 6 months. 1373 01:05:21,346 --> 01:05:22,281 But mushrooms grow fast. 1374 01:05:22,481 --> 01:05:24,383 I am not a mushroom! 1375 01:05:26,585 --> 01:05:29,154 People take longer to cultivate. 1376 01:05:29,756 --> 01:05:31,156 How much time do you need? 1377 01:05:31,356 --> 01:05:33,125 I don't know. We're out of time. 1378 01:05:33,325 --> 01:05:34,293 But I'm still working at it. 1379 01:05:34,493 --> 01:05:35,193 You can't be 1380 01:05:35,762 --> 01:05:38,230 because I'd have to be working on it first, and I'm not. 1381 01:05:38,430 --> 01:05:39,531 Then I want to work on something else. 1382 01:05:39,732 --> 01:05:41,133 Like what? 1383 01:05:41,868 --> 01:05:43,268 My backhand. 1384 01:05:43,803 --> 01:05:45,504 You play tennis, don't you? 1385 01:05:45,772 --> 01:05:48,173 Yes, my wife taught me how. Why're you changing the subject? 1386 01:05:48,373 --> 01:05:51,343 Because I'm losing the argument and mine taught me, too! 1387 01:05:59,518 --> 01:06:02,789 Your wife has a lot of free time between her painting, 1388 01:06:02,989 --> 01:06:05,123 photography, and the lake house she doesn't have. 1389 01:06:05,324 --> 01:06:08,327 - Yeah, she works for me. - Oh, she holds tools, too? 1390 01:06:08,527 --> 01:06:09,829 She's my accountant. 1391 01:06:10,029 --> 01:06:11,831 - You pay her to be your wife? - I pay her to account. 1392 01:06:12,031 --> 01:06:13,265 - To who? - To me. 1393 01:06:13,465 --> 01:06:15,267 I don't have to account to you. 1394 01:06:15,467 --> 01:06:15,902 And I'm leaving. 1395 01:06:16,669 --> 01:06:18,236 You have to account for yourself. And you're playing. 1396 01:06:18,437 --> 01:06:19,404 - Right now? - Yes, now. 1397 01:06:19,605 --> 01:06:20,305 It's nighttime. 1398 01:06:20,505 --> 01:06:21,708 And it's on the other side of town. 1399 01:06:21,908 --> 01:06:24,711 I know. And it's time I crossed over. 1400 01:06:35,688 --> 01:06:37,623 That was you on the Vespa. 1401 01:06:40,258 --> 01:06:41,493 Get on! 1402 01:06:41,961 --> 01:06:44,463 Are you kidding me? I'm not getting on that thing. 1403 01:06:44,664 --> 01:06:45,364 Big bikes scare me. 1404 01:06:45,798 --> 01:06:48,333 You wanted me to do something first, first, so I am. 1405 01:06:48,533 --> 01:06:49,736 So get on. 1406 01:06:57,542 --> 01:06:59,478 I don't have to hold on to you, do I? 1407 01:07:08,955 --> 01:07:11,189 I can see why you steal cars! 1408 01:07:11,858 --> 01:07:14,426 You can borrow it anytime you want! 1409 01:07:14,927 --> 01:07:16,528 Did you ever crash? 1410 01:07:16,729 --> 01:07:17,664 What? 1411 01:07:17,897 --> 01:07:18,798 CRASH! 1412 01:07:18,998 --> 01:07:21,266 Once. I hit a tree. 1413 01:07:21,734 --> 01:07:23,335 What happened? 1414 01:07:23,703 --> 01:07:25,872 I woke up after a few hours. 1415 01:07:26,171 --> 01:07:28,206 You went to the hospital? 1416 01:07:28,607 --> 01:07:30,475 No, I went home. 1417 01:07:30,843 --> 01:07:33,178 That explains a lot. 1418 01:07:33,746 --> 01:07:35,948 Watch the road! 1419 01:07:57,436 --> 01:07:59,972 - Am I using your wife's racket? - No. 1420 01:08:00,740 --> 01:08:03,275 You're using mine. I'm using hers. 1421 01:08:03,475 --> 01:08:05,477 That explains why you're winning. 1422 01:08:11,516 --> 01:08:13,318 - Fault! - Yours. 1423 01:08:13,518 --> 01:08:14,754 - I know it's my fault. - Good... 1424 01:08:14,954 --> 01:08:16,989 I'm glad you finally admitted it. 1425 01:08:21,593 --> 01:08:22,161 Double fault! 1426 01:08:22,627 --> 01:08:23,896 I'm glad you're finally admitting it, too. 1427 01:08:24,097 --> 01:08:24,931 - That was out. - That was in. 1428 01:08:25,131 --> 01:08:25,698 I'm telling you that was out. 1429 01:08:26,065 --> 01:08:26,933 You're telling me about boundaries? 1430 01:08:27,432 --> 01:08:29,601 You take other people's cars! You take other people's coke! 1431 01:08:29,802 --> 01:08:30,535 You go into my attic, 1432 01:08:31,170 --> 01:08:32,839 you go into my wallet, you go into my house when I'm not home! 1433 01:08:33,039 --> 01:08:35,273 You don't know anything about boundaries! 1434 01:08:38,044 --> 01:08:39,277 Okay. 1435 01:08:39,478 --> 01:08:40,579 Okay, what? 1436 01:08:40,880 --> 01:08:42,380 Okay, it was in. 1437 01:08:42,815 --> 01:08:43,816 Good... 1438 01:08:44,616 --> 01:08:45,752 I'll serve. 1439 01:08:50,990 --> 01:08:53,358 I really enjoyed the clams on the half shell the other night. 1440 01:08:53,558 --> 01:08:55,327 They helped me shoot straight in bed. 1441 01:08:55,527 --> 01:08:57,362 I find that subtly upsetting. 1442 01:08:57,797 --> 01:09:01,333 - My wife also enjoyed them. - I find that very upsetting. 1443 01:09:03,368 --> 01:09:04,904 Why are you saying this to me? 1444 01:09:05,104 --> 01:09:07,006 - That was in. - Yeah, I know it was in. 1445 01:09:07,206 --> 01:09:08,975 Good. My serve. 1446 01:09:13,345 --> 01:09:14,680 Do you shoot straight in bed? 1447 01:09:14,881 --> 01:09:16,749 None of your business how I shoot. 1448 01:09:16,949 --> 01:09:18,785 If you ordered the clams instead of the carpaccio, 1449 01:09:18,985 --> 01:09:20,285 you would see the difference. 1450 01:09:20,485 --> 01:09:23,288 I don't need an appetizer to be stimulated. 1451 01:09:23,488 --> 01:09:24,891 We all need stimulation. 1452 01:09:25,091 --> 01:09:26,959 You're too submissive to be stimulating. 1453 01:09:27,160 --> 01:09:28,593 - Girls love that. - Women don't. 1454 01:09:28,795 --> 01:09:29,461 Yours? 1455 01:09:29,662 --> 01:09:31,030 No, you don't talk about my wife. 1456 01:09:31,230 --> 01:09:32,932 Why? You talk about mine. 1457 01:09:33,365 --> 01:09:35,635 I saw you peering at her through the privacy curtain. 1458 01:09:35,835 --> 01:09:36,636 I wasn't prying. 1459 01:09:36,936 --> 01:09:38,871 I said you were peering. You said you were prying. 1460 01:09:39,071 --> 01:09:39,906 I didn't mean anything by it. 1461 01:09:40,206 --> 01:09:42,642 That's what you always say when you get caught. 1462 01:09:42,842 --> 01:09:43,976 I don't remember what I said. 1463 01:09:44,177 --> 01:09:45,678 I remember everything you said. 1464 01:09:45,878 --> 01:09:46,979 That's the problem. 1465 01:09:54,419 --> 01:09:56,088 I lost track of the score. 1466 01:09:56,354 --> 01:09:58,390 I'd say I'm winning. 1467 01:09:58,825 --> 01:09:59,759 Your serve. 1468 01:10:15,507 --> 01:10:16,742 You ready? 1469 01:10:48,674 --> 01:10:49,842 Ready. 1470 01:10:51,711 --> 01:10:53,511 - Fifteen-Love. - Less. 1471 01:10:54,280 --> 01:10:57,582 What did you just say? I didn't, I didn't say anything. 1472 01:11:02,520 --> 01:11:04,056 Okay. Here we go again. 1473 01:11:05,958 --> 01:11:06,959 - Fifteen-Love. - Less. 1474 01:11:07,159 --> 01:11:08,828 I heard you that time. 1475 01:11:11,030 --> 01:11:13,699 How does one become loveless anyway? 1476 01:11:16,468 --> 01:11:18,137 One's wife has to die. 1477 01:11:18,570 --> 01:11:21,573 - Mine didn't. - Yeah, well, mine did! 1478 01:11:22,074 --> 01:11:23,142 Okay? 1479 01:11:23,743 --> 01:11:25,011 Mine did! 1480 01:11:40,126 --> 01:11:43,461 Wouldn't that make you less loveless than me? 1481 01:11:43,996 --> 01:11:45,530 And not more? 1482 01:11:45,731 --> 01:11:47,099 No, more... 1483 01:11:50,903 --> 01:11:53,471 Because your wife is still alive. 1484 01:11:54,840 --> 01:11:57,944 And if she was dead, then we would be even. 1485 01:12:00,179 --> 01:12:01,647 Don't even think about it. 1486 01:12:01,847 --> 01:12:03,883 I'm not thinking about that. 1487 01:12:04,817 --> 01:12:06,152 What are you thinking about? 1488 01:12:06,352 --> 01:12:09,689 That a plumber can spot a clogged drain when he sees one. 1489 01:12:10,723 --> 01:12:12,524 You're calling me a clogged drain? 1490 01:12:13,960 --> 01:12:16,696 You were talking about yourself before, weren't you? 1491 01:12:20,866 --> 01:12:22,735 Don't stare at me. Were you or weren't you? 1492 01:12:23,703 --> 01:12:24,804 Yeah, I guess I was. 1493 01:12:26,973 --> 01:12:27,773 I knew it. 1494 01:12:28,441 --> 01:12:31,110 - I can't believe it. - Believe what? 1495 01:12:32,610 --> 01:12:35,114 You actually said something original. 1496 01:12:35,448 --> 01:12:38,017 Something that wasn't mirrored, or mimicked or mimed. 1497 01:12:38,217 --> 01:12:41,087 It actually came from deep down inside of you. 1498 01:12:42,788 --> 01:12:46,624 How did you ever come up with such an astute observation? 1499 01:12:47,226 --> 01:12:48,928 It was work-related. 1500 01:12:50,796 --> 01:12:52,031 I believe you. 1501 01:12:52,564 --> 01:12:54,166 Is that an observation? 1502 01:12:54,499 --> 01:12:55,868 It's a compliment. 1503 01:12:56,068 --> 01:12:57,703 Oh, my first one! 1504 01:12:59,138 --> 01:13:00,538 Will there be others? 1505 01:13:01,007 --> 01:13:02,574 We'll see. 1506 01:13:03,608 --> 01:13:04,744 Thank you, Tony. 1507 01:13:06,345 --> 01:13:08,881 Is it okay if I call you Tony? 1508 01:13:09,749 --> 01:13:10,515 Yeah. 1509 01:13:10,950 --> 01:13:13,019 You see, I called you Tony before you called me Peter, 1510 01:13:13,219 --> 01:13:15,087 so it's not really a one-way mirror, is it? 1511 01:13:19,225 --> 01:13:20,826 Maybe not, Peter. 1512 01:13:21,794 --> 01:13:22,762 Maybe not. 1513 01:13:26,365 --> 01:13:29,168 Then maybe you should be the one wearing the red pants, not me. 1514 01:13:29,435 --> 01:13:32,004 I don't know about that but... 1515 01:13:35,241 --> 01:13:38,610 All black certainly is depressing after a while. 1516 01:13:42,715 --> 01:13:44,750 You gonna hold on to me this time? 1517 01:13:44,950 --> 01:13:46,652 I'll let you know. 1518 01:13:47,520 --> 01:13:51,323 You know, my wife has an identical twin sister. 1519 01:13:51,657 --> 01:13:53,292 - Yeah? - Yeah. 1520 01:13:53,492 --> 01:13:56,095 So I've been to her house and she has a lot of it. 1521 01:13:56,295 --> 01:13:57,329 A lot of what? 1522 01:13:58,230 --> 01:13:59,999 A lot of clutter. 1523 01:14:10,313 --> 01:14:15,313 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull