1 00:00:00,399 --> 00:00:04,929 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 2 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,400 Hello and welcome to the sweat box... 3 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,440 that is Cambodia. 4 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:52,280 Now, there are many ways we could get across this fascinating country. 5 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,320 We could use horses or tuk-tuks or tractors. 6 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:59,480 But Mr Wilman decided we should meet at this very spot 7 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,320 with three boats. 8 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,040 And that hasn't gone down very well with my colleagues. 9 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,680 - No. - There we go. 10 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,360 Because I hate... I'm from Birmingham, I've explained. 11 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,200 Which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK... 12 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,558 - Full of canals! - We don't do boats. 13 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,560 People from Birmingham are always saying, 14 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,400 "It's the Venice of the North," 15 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,080 like Venetians always say, "We live in the Birmingham of the South." 16 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,918 Canals are just for moving coal around. 17 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,520 I don't want to do that either. 18 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,800 I'm from Birmingham, I don't ski and I don't do boats. End of. 19 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,520 - I signed up for a car show. - Yes. 20 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,000 Not cookery, not restoring frescoes and not boats. 21 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,160 - I don't like boats. You can't trust a boat. - That's exactly the right word. 22 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,600 You can't trust any vehicle that isn't necessarily where it was when you last parked it. 23 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,080 Problem No.1. They can sink. Cars can't do that. 24 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,880 - What are the viewers gonna think? - What? 25 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,880 What if you turned on Jamie Oliver, 26 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,200 you thought, "I love that cooking show... 27 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,600 Oh, he's doing some watercolor painting." 28 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,760 - We did it in lorries... - Lorries are vehicles. They go on the road. 29 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,680 - We've been on horses. - Oh, that went well! 30 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,600 Anyway, listen, let's not get bogged down with your prejudices. 31 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:02,560 Because the challenge is actually quite simple. 32 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,080 We are here, yes, near Siem Reap in the north of Cambodia. 33 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,400 And we've got to use all these waterways, well, not all of them... 34 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,440 we've got to find a path through them, 35 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,040 to Vung Tau, which is at the bottom of the Mekong Delta, 36 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,080 in Vietnam. 37 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,720 There is, however, one small problem. 38 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,800 As I've said, I'm no expert on boats and boating. 39 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:33,400 - But... there's no water. - No, there isn't. 40 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,560 Is that pontoon thing there, is that where Mr Wilman thought we should meet? 41 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,240 - Yes, in a field. - He's a half-wit, isn't he? 42 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,240 Anyway, the problem is... 43 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,878 there isn't enough water in there to drown a witch. 44 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,160 No. 45 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,800 So, why don't we get some wheels 46 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,158 and go and find some water 47 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,320 and then we'll launch our boats there? 48 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:50,640 Right. 49 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,280 Having found some wheels, 50 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:54,880 we began our search. 51 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,320 Oh, how the mighty are fallen. 52 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,880 We are in tune with the times, though. 53 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,920 Exactly right. Exactly right. 54 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,440 There is global warming, there is climate change. 55 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,760 And if you hosted a car show now, 56 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,920 I think you'd feel foolish. 57 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960 Bloody car, you maniac! 58 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000 What's up with you, you lunatic? 59 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,480 - You selfish maniac! - Hit him! Hit the car! 60 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:22,960 Mad man! 61 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,440 Several exhausting miles later, 62 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,720 the river was still depressingly empty. 63 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,160 The problem we've got is it's June 64 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,440 and it's supposed to be raining here, really raining, 65 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,760 pouring down constantly. 66 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,800 And it isn't. And it hasn't for months. 67 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,680 And when we reached a fishing village, 68 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:49,280 the scale of the issue became clear. 69 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,400 These houses, as you can see, are on stilts 70 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,800 because that's where the river should be. 71 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,680 Just stop here. Look. 72 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,440 That's where the water level is. 73 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,480 That's incredibly gone, isn't it? 74 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,240 And it's not just climate change that's to blame, 75 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,520 because there's another problem. 76 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,400 China. They've dammed the river 77 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:15,880 that feeds all the water systems round here. 78 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,920 How much sense does that make, sitting here, 79 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,480 in your house on stilts with no water around it, 80 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,720 to learn that the Chinese have nicked all your water? 81 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,760 A funny world, isn't it? 82 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,798 The really funny thing is, 83 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,480 China builds a coal-fired power station every 20 minutes or something 84 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,160 and everyone shouts at them, saying, 85 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,920 "Oh, you're killing the planet." 86 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,238 When they build a clean, green, hydro-electric dam, 87 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,680 everyone shouts at them, saying, "Now, look, you're killing the planet!" 88 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,640 Well, it'd be nice if they could do it without nicking somebody else's water. 89 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,360 Eventually, though, we found a lake. 90 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,360 - Oh, look at that! - Hello. 91 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:53,200 But as we launched our boats and headed for a nearby pontoon... 92 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,720 ...the rainy season arrived... 93 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,600 with a vengeance. 94 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,720 God above! 95 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,920 Erm... I don't know how to park a boat. 96 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,560 I'm not gonna lie. 97 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,600 Trying to park. 98 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,720 Ooh! How do I stop it? 99 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,238 Having another attempt. 100 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,200 Wait a minute, my engines are... 101 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:27,640 Oh, no, that one. 102 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,918 Yeah. 103 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,600 I think that went well. 104 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,160 Right. 105 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,200 Stop moving around! 106 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,080 I've parked you! 107 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,240 Well, I was gonna leap from my boat and say, 108 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,800 "And fresh from Miami Vice... 109 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,640 a boat." 110 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,840 It's pointy, which means it's a fast boat. 111 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,640 Oh, I've got my leg caught. 112 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,680 At this point, Jeremy emerged from the gloom. 113 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,040 And as he's the only qualified boat driver on the team, 114 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,760 I was expecting a smoother arrival. 115 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,480 Here we go. 116 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,040 Parking a PBR. 117 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,760 - Argh! - No, no, no! 118 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,960 Oh, brilliant! 119 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,520 It's really windy! I'm backing in. 120 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,960 Oh, no, that's... 121 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,000 Totally uncontrollable. 122 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,360 This is better, this angle. 123 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,200 Argh! 124 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,000 - OK. - Could you help and get that rope? 125 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,400 Can you pull me along? 126 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,440 Please pull me along! 127 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,680 This is no time for cocking about! 128 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,720 This is dangerous work we're doing! 129 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,560 I'm glad you got here cos I think it looks like rain. 130 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,120 me! 131 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,480 - Erm... - What? 132 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,680 Isn't that like the boat out of Apocalypse Now? 133 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,400 Exactly what it is, PBR - Patrol Boat, River. 134 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,160 - Mark II. - Yeah. 135 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,040 Is that entirely tactful? We're going to Vietnam. 136 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,360 - You can't drive that around! - You can! Because... 137 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,640 You probably don't know this, but... Vietnam won. 138 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,400 So driving that through Vietnam 139 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,320 is like walking through Old Trafford, which is where Manchester United play, 140 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,160 in a Charlton Athletic shirt. 141 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,200 It doesn't matter, cos you're a loser. 142 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:23,560 They don't mind. 143 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,400 You believe that? 144 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,080 Is that... Is that a Scarab? 145 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,640 Yeah. 146 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,480 Hammond, you have accidentally chosen 147 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,280 - quite a good boat... - Have I? 148 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,440 ...if you were on the inter-coastal waterway in Miami. 149 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,880 You see, that's cool. 150 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,920 I've got two V8s in that. 151 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,400 - I've got two V8s in there. - How many horsepower? 152 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:47,080 850 in total, 425 per engine. 153 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,120 - It's too much. - What have you got? 154 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,000 350 a side. I've got 700 in total. 155 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,480 - 850. - Yeah, but that's better. 156 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,880 It's not. 157 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,400 What do you think May will have? 158 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,640 - Some. - Probably, with a bit of luck. 159 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,240 Soon, his late arrival was explained. 160 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,880 He'd come from the 18th century. 161 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,520 Look at that! 162 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,360 That's the world's least appropriate thing! 163 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,400 What was he thinking of? 164 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,240 How old is that thing? 165 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,080 James? About 60. 166 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,280 You ready with this rope? 167 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,840 Hang on, it's going backwards. 168 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,880 Why's it doing that? 169 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,960 He is absolutely hopeless. 170 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,960 He's got one knob and one wheel. 171 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,920 Oh, here he comes. 172 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960 He's trying a new technique here. 173 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,878 He's broken his flagpole. 174 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,720 - James? - Yes? 175 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,480 That's the most inappropriate thing I've ever seen. 176 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:48,880 What do you mean? 177 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,360 Well, it's entirely not designed for where we are. 178 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,840 It's a river boat. 179 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,640 - We're on a lake. - It's a pleasure craft. 180 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,200 But we're gonna be on rivers. 181 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,758 And it's only a gentle lake. It's not stormy or anything. 182 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,160 Really? 183 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,600 - Have you got a big V8? - No, of course I haven't. 184 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,880 - What is it? - It's a four-cylinder diesel. 185 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960 - Power? - Yes? 186 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,120 99 horsepower. 187 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,120 - When was your boat built? - 1939. 188 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:19,000 - Sorry... it's 80 years old? - Yes. 189 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,280 - It's 80? - It's older than the Battle of Britain. 190 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,760 So it's an antique. 191 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,280 It is an antique, yes. 192 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,480 - You're sailing in a sideboard. - Pretty much. 193 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,880 - How much was it? - £16,000, inc... 194 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,000 What? You paid 16 for that? 195 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,600 That's chea... That's a Ford Focus. And it's got a new engine in it. 196 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,360 Is that vulgar-looking thing that I don't even want to look at yours? 197 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,880 - Yeah. - How much was that? 198 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,758 Er, 23. 199 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,200 - Really? - That's reasonable. 200 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,840 That's how much boats cost. 201 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,760 - £23,000? - Yes. 202 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,840 - How much was that? - What, the PBR? 203 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,760 Mine, how much was it? 204 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,840 - It's, er... - What? 205 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,520 How much? 206 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,280 100,000. 207 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:58,640 - $100,000? - 100,000 what? 208 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,720 - No, pounds. - £100,000? 209 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,840 - Yes, it was. - You spent 100 grand on that? 210 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,280 Mm-hm. 211 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,880 But it's... 212 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,638 Is that because of its provenance? 213 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,200 No, I had to build it. 214 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,758 - What, it's not real? - No. 215 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,720 Hold on, hold on. 216 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,280 It's incredibly complicated. 217 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,960 They had to find the original designs of the original hull, 218 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,040 work out where the engines went, why it's mid-engined... 219 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,320 It was an immensely complicated thing to do and I've done it. 220 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,480 And I bought a little bit of history, at great expense, 221 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,120 back to Southeast Asia. 222 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,520 It's a fake, though. That's essentially a kit car. 223 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,518 Is it based on the chassis of a Beetle or a Triumph Herald? 224 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,960 - It's a purpose-made chassis. - A two-litre Pinto engine. - Yes, exactly. 225 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,000 It's a purpose-made chassis. 226 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,600 And a brand-new engine. 227 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,520 100 grand on a... 228 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,000 What we've got here... Can we do some car stuff? 229 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:46,840 What we've got is a Corvette, definitely. 230 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,600 That is a Corvette. Nothing wrong with them. 231 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:49,960 Big engine, inexpensive. 232 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,440 Yes, plastic and inexpensive. 233 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:55,160 A Mercedes G Wagon, which it is... and a Rover 90. 234 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,360 Yeah, I'll actually go with that. 235 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,518 I've just thought of something. 236 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,280 I haven't christened my boat. 237 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:06,360 So I quickly organised an official ceremony. 238 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,800 May God bless this ship and all who sail in her. 239 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,280 That's what it's like when the Queen does it. 240 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,920 I've now got a bottle of wine on my boat, 241 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,480 which is called Du Ma, by the way. 242 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,640 - Is it? - Yeah, means "boat machine". 243 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,000 With the christening ceremony complete 244 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,920 and the rainy season over, 245 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:35,560 it was time to begin our epic 500-mile voyage. 246 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,120 - Thank you. - Oh, sorry. 247 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,040 We are underway. 248 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,080 The Du Ma is mobile. 249 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,120 I've just noticed Hammond's boat's called Razzle Dazzle. 250 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,400 That's sophisticated, isn't it? 251 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,640 The first leg of our aquatic road trip 252 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,760 involved a sprint across the Tonlé Sap Lake. 253 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:01,680 And I'd been looking forward to unleashing some speed and power. 254 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,840 Sadly, though, that wasn't possible. 255 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,280 OK, the problem is - and it is a big one - 256 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,320 despite that massive rainstorm, 257 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,240 this lake is 80 miles across. 258 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:16,160 And at this time of year, it should be five times more than that. 259 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,680 This is not the best camerawork you've ever seen and I apologise. 260 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,720 But I think it makes the point. 261 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,120 This road here, 262 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,840 this is the road that goes round the lake. 263 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,000 But the lake at the moment is only that big. 264 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,040 It just isn't big enough. 265 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,880 Which means it isn't deep enough. 266 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,640 And don't worry, the irony is not lost on me. 267 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,840 The man who hosted a car programme for 30 years, 268 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,880 limited to seven miles an hour by global warming. 269 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,160 Is your boat... How can I put this? 270 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,200 ...having a dump? 271 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,240 Is that mud? 272 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,600 Yes, that's mud. You're grounding out. 273 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,840 I'm basically using a boat in a field. 274 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,880 This did not happen in Miami Vice. 275 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,680 Shallowness wasn't the only problem. 276 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,120 We also had to deal with an underwater labyrinth of hidden fishing nets. 277 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,680 It doesn't feel good. 278 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,640 Doesn't sound good. 279 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,200 Turning round. 280 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,320 Oh, he's done... What's he done, 100 yards? 281 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,600 - What the hell have you done? - I don't know. 282 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,160 Oh, you just... 283 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,680 Hammond? 284 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,080 What? Everybody stop crashing into me! 285 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,480 Are you stuck? 286 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,560 No, I just thought I'd stop here! 287 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,200 I've caught a net. 288 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,200 Why don't you just go and cut it off? 289 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,000 Why isn't this happening to you? 290 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,440 - What? - Why aren't you catching your props in nets? 291 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,680 I haven't got any props. It's a PBR! 292 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,720 It's a jet boat. I've got two jets. 293 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,360 Really? 294 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,920 Right. 295 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,120 Leaving Hammond to clear his props... 296 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,760 There! That is the problem. 297 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,680 ...I sailed onwards with Rear Admiral Slow. 298 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,240 James May's boat is the sort of thing 299 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,400 I can imagine they gave to Prince Charles when he was a boy 300 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,440 to play with in the bath. 301 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:28,280 My boat, on the other hand, was designed for fighting. 302 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,720 See, when the American military realised in the mid-'60s 303 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,880 that they needed some kind of fast patrol boat 304 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,200 for the shallow rivers of Southeast Asia, 305 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,040 they went to Hatteras, 306 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,240 which was a very respectable boat builder in America and said, 307 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,280 "You know that pleasure craft you make, 308 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:46,480 the 31-footer, plastic hull, Mum and Dad boat? 309 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,840 Could you convert that, move the engines further forward, 310 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,880 fit it with jets instead of propellers, 311 00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:00,320 give it a range of 250 miles and a cruising speed of 25 knots?" 312 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,360 Massive job, really massive. 313 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,120 And Hatteras had it ready in six days! 314 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,160 Six days! 315 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,800 What they created was epic. 316 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,280 But even so, I had to have this made because today, 317 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:20,320 there are no working PBRs left. 318 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,840 And I find that extraordinary. 319 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,280 They've saved all the other memorabilia from the Vietnam War - 320 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:28,040 Hueys and guns and fighter planes and so on, 321 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,880 but nobody thought to say, "Let's save a PBR." 322 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,880 It's a brilliant bit of design, it really genuinely is. 323 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,520 Original PBRs had two Detroit diesel engines, 324 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,560 no electrics, better with water. 325 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,080 And jets made by... 326 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,720 Jacuzzi. 327 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,320 I kid you not, they were Jacuzzi jets. 328 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:58,720 Yes, the jets make it very difficult to steer at slow speed. 329 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:03,560 But apart from that, I was able to cross Cambodia's giant paddling pool 330 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,600 without any issues. 331 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,600 Oh, that's not good. 332 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,640 Things, however, were rather different for my colleagues. 333 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,280 James had snagged a net too. 334 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,280 Yeah! 335 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,320 Take that, you bastard. 336 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:27,520 And as Aquaman struggled to get back on board... 337 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,840 Bollocks! 338 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,680 ...the cooling system on Hammond's pointy Scarab filled with mud. 339 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,400 This is a lot worse than... 340 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,440 nets round the props. 341 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,880 And just after James had dried off... 342 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,360 he was back under his boat again, 343 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,480 because his intakes had also filled up with sludge. 344 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,800 This meant I had to go back and become a tow truck. 345 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,040 Ready for the dead stop? You'll like this. 346 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,280 Shit. 347 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,800 Sorry. 348 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,160 Clarkson! 349 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,080 Right, I've got you. 350 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,640 James insisted on taking charge of tying the boats together. 351 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,000 Which meant I was free to film some scenery. 352 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,558 But eventually we were tethered, 353 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,560 and set off in search of Hammond. 354 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,080 - There he is! - Yep. 355 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,160 Hammond ahoy! 356 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,640 I hate boats! 357 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,920 Turning on the horn. 358 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,000 International Crap Rescue is coming. 359 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:47,240 I wonder how many low-grade pornographical movies 360 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,400 have been made on Hammond's boat. 361 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,280 Hey, you wanna come out rootin' and tootin'? 362 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,880 Hammond, how much semen have you found on that boat? 363 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:01,200 Please, I've tried to block the thought from my mind. Every... 364 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,318 Honestly, going below is like climbing into a teenager's sock. 365 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:11,800 With both broken boats hitched up to Thunderbird 2, 366 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:16,760 we trundled on, until eventually we were swamped by the night. 367 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,920 Have you got, like, a military searchlight on your boat? 368 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960 Yes, I have. 369 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,040 Oh-hoo-hoo! 370 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,480 Hello! 371 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,680 Many hours later, having covered only ten miles, 372 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,720 we were feeling a bit unhappy. 373 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,400 But then... 374 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,720 James, are they lights? 375 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,200 Oh, yeah. 376 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,520 I think that is the town of Pursat. 377 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,960 It's not completely the bottom of the lake, 378 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,480 but we should be able to find a hotel there. 379 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,880 Having parked up... 380 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,480 Shit! 381 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,320 ...we checked into the town's only guesthouse 382 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,760 and then, absolutely famished, sat down for dinner. 383 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,200 Sadly, though, there wasn't much on the menu for Hammond. 384 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,960 So this is... Well, these are dragonflies. 385 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,960 Don't eat dragonflies. 386 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,000 - You've never tried one? - Nobody eats dragonflies. 387 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,680 This is... crickets. 388 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,720 These are water beetles. 389 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,160 - I don't eat water beetles. - They're tarantulas. 390 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,200 I especially don't eat tarantulas. 391 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,520 Or big spiders, anyway. 392 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,480 The thing is... during the time of Pol Pot, 393 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,078 they were starving and they had to. 394 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,160 And they actually discovered that they're lovely. 395 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,280 Do you know what Pol Pot means? 396 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,440 - Everyone thinks it's his name. - Bad menu? 397 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,000 It stands for Political Potential. 398 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,080 Same as Jeremy Corbyn. Same policies. 399 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,640 You're eating a taran... 400 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,680 No, it's a dragonfly. 401 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,800 - What do they taste like? - Dragonflies. 402 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,798 - Oh! - I knew you'd have a problem. 403 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,720 So I got you some hard-boiled eggs, Hammond. 404 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,000 Is this a... 405 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,920 This is a cricket, look. 406 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,760 Can you see that? 407 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,680 Do you eat it or do you disembowel it and then eat the flesh? 408 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,200 Oh, my God! 409 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,240 It's got a bird in it! 410 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,280 What? 411 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,760 That may be beyond my line... 412 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,798 I'm just looking at it, thinking, "Really?" 413 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,558 That is pretty revolting. 414 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:24,080 It is, I know, but if you've got a socialist running, 415 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,558 you know, like Britain when we've got Corbyn... 416 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,320 this is what we're going to be eating. 417 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,558 After our feast, it was time for bed. 418 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,798 And we were shown to the best rooms in the house. 419 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,760 Hang on, is that... That generator goes all the time? 420 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,078 The noise - da, da, da, da... 421 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,080 Can you make it, like, off? No? 422 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,680 Off? Da, da, da, da... 423 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:57,798 No? 424 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,200 OK. 425 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,080 It's impossible to think how this could be worse. 426 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,080 And there it is. 427 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,280 This... 428 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,240 What's this? Why... Why? 429 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,078 Why are they... 430 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,440 What's that, in a grown man's bedroom? 431 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,040 Dawn was magnificent. 432 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,680 And there was no need to wake the cameramen to film it. 433 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:58,480 Because they, like us, hadn't had a wink of sleep. 434 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:14,000 That. That... 4:26. 435 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,680 - Yeah. - 4:26. 436 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,720 At midnight... 437 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,640 2am, music stops. 438 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,840 - And the dog-barking competition starts. - Yeah. 439 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,240 - Till 4:26, cockerel starts. - Yeah. 440 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,600 Till five. Fishing boats go out. 441 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,600 Why don't they invent the silencer? 442 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,800 They haven't got silencers for those or generators. 443 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,800 It simply hasn't reached this bit of the world for some reason. 444 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,440 Why do we do this? 445 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,480 This is a boating holiday. 446 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,280 - Yeah. Brilliant. - Life afloat. The glamour. 447 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,120 To cheer ourselves up, 448 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,200 we decided to shop for provisions. 449 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,640 And we were in for a bit of a surprise, 450 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,400 because this town was the Venice of the East. 451 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,280 There were floating houses with satellite TV, 452 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,280 floating workshops, 453 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,840 floating supermarkets, 454 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,880 a hospital 455 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,920 and even a church. 456 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,800 Look at this! It's a high street. 457 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,920 So they've moved the town to where... 458 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,080 Well, wherever the lake is, the town is always at the edge of it. 459 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,440 Well, it moves itself. 460 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,160 So what do we need? 461 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,120 We need earplugs, we need sleeping pills, 462 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,800 something to wash the sleeping pills down, I'm thinking strong beer... 463 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,000 Yeah. 464 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,080 Maybe so strong it's called whisky. 465 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,720 Yeah, that beer. If nobody minds, 466 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,960 I'd like to buy some cleaning products. 467 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,280 Oh, because of the pornography that's gone on on your boat? 468 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:48,680 Eugh! What's gone on down there does not bear thinking about. 469 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,280 Unfortunately, trying to navigate 470 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,360 through the busy streets 471 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,720 exposed the PBR's Achilles heel: 472 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,760 its mind-of-its-own steering at slow speeds. 473 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,200 Oh, God! 474 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,240 Look at it. Full left lock. 475 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,360 Just concentrate on... 476 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,600 Don't do that! 477 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,640 This one is now going... This one's back. 478 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,520 And that one's forwards. 479 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,880 - No, that hasn't worked. - Backwards, backwards. 480 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,040 Anything you want to buy from this shop? Cos we're arriving at it. 481 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,840 Oh, oh! 482 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,320 Having finally crashed into the correct shop... 483 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,880 we set about loading up with supplies. 484 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,400 - Got mops. - That says beer. 485 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,440 Do you have, erm... 486 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,480 tablet for... 487 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,440 Yeah, but for... 488 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,880 for sleeping... ..elephant. 489 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,800 So, big. 490 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:46,640 But not for... Well, it could kill him. 491 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,360 - That's what I mean. - Oh, right, OK. 492 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,840 With the shopping done, 493 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,040 we resumed our journey 494 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,360 across the shallow, net-infested lake. 495 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,600 I am under my own power for now. 496 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,000 Ts and Ps looking good. 497 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,200 Hammond too had mended his engines. 498 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,360 But he daren't fire them up 499 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,760 for fear of destroying them in the mud. 500 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,200 So he was still being towed. 501 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,840 I found a very kind and generous local fisherman 502 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,880 to pull me along behind his little boat, 503 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,640 that doesn't have a silencer on it. 504 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,480 That boat wasn't powerful enough, 505 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:27,920 so he found a mate and then another mate, 506 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,280 and they've tied all their boats together. 507 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,520 None of their engines have silencers. 508 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:39,800 And we are now travelling at a speed too slow to register on any device. 509 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,920 Bo-o-o-ored! 510 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,440 Unlike my colleagues, 511 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,560 I wasn't struggling with a Dickensian propulsion system. 512 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,160 Thank you. 513 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,840 But even so, I had run into a problem. 514 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,680 Right, this is the end of the lake. 515 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,200 I've made it. 516 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,240 And there's the river, I think, over there. 517 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:11,680 However, between me and it... 518 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,200 there is a small obstacle. 519 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:24,160 The mouth of the river was absolutely jammed with densely packed weed. 520 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,840 So, to get through it, I decided to ditch Slow and Careful, 521 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,240 and call on my old friends Speed and Power. 522 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:41,960 Come on! 523 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,240 Rise! 524 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,320 Ye-e-e-eees! 525 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,360 No! No! No! It's all gone wrong! 526 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,360 Yeah, we're stuck. 527 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,840 I think I filled my intakes up with leaves. 528 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,320 Aarg! 529 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,960 Meanwhile, back on the lake... 530 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,200 ...my life was getting even worse. 531 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,680 Right, situation update. I've run aground. 532 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,360 I can't even turn my boat into wind cos it's stuck. 533 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,640 And there's a storm coming. 534 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,840 And it wasn't like my camera boat could help 535 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,200 because that was beached as well. 536 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,720 Oh, look at those poor sods. 537 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,680 And then, to rub salt in the wounds... 538 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,480 Are you stuck? I thought you were waiting for me. 539 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,440 No, I'm stuck. But my boat's not powerful enough to tow... 540 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,960 Nothing I can do. I thought you were waiting for me. I didn't know you were stuck. 541 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,000 I'm really sorry. 542 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,280 Oh, hell. 543 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,320 Oh, God. 544 00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,760 Back in the lettuce field, I'd enlisted the help 545 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,640 of the few remaining locals not being employed by James and Richard. 546 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,960 It is actually moving. 547 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,000 Yes! Yes! 548 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:17,840 Yes! 549 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:21,800 The mighty PBR has been freed by the local chaps. 550 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,120 Soon, I was also being towed. 551 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,240 So I had time to reflect on the awfulness of our boating holiday. 552 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:33,760 I mean, it's farcical. 553 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,280 We've got half of Cambodia in the water 554 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,440 freeing us from fishing nets and ropes, 555 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,520 and trying to pull out the camera crew boats. They're all stuck. 556 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,400 It's rubbish! 557 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,320 Are you stuck? 558 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:47,720 Yeah? 559 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,760 Is he stuck? 560 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,200 Right. 561 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,240 They're all stuck. 562 00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:58,360 Eventually, though, Hammond and I found deeper water, 563 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,360 and were able to proceed under own own steam. 564 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:08,880 I have two engines! 565 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:13,600 It's Clarkson. 566 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,360 Calling Commander Clarkson. 567 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,080 Right, chaps? Er... welcome, 568 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,720 first of all. Nice to have you here. 569 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,560 No time for pleasantries, though. 570 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:26,320 The problem we have is that is a very significant chunk of weeds, 571 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:31,640 and this can do everything except go through them. 572 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:34,960 The issue was that my giant V8s would suck the leaves 573 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,000 into the jets and clog them up. 574 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:43,240 So Hammond and May decided to slice a path through the veg patch 575 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:45,280 using their old-fashioned props. 576 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,240 Here we go into the reeds. 577 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:52,520 Hand on throttle. 578 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,960 I was then towed through by a local. 579 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,200 Here I am going through the salad, 580 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:05,640 pre-minced by Hammond and May with their 19th-century propellers. 581 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,280 Ooh, it's not liking this at all. 582 00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:11,960 Watching my temperatures. They're climbing already. 583 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:20,280 Bit snaggy. 584 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:22,320 Oh, come on. 585 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,760 Come on, boat. 586 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:29,360 Nevertheless, our salad mincers kept chopping away. 587 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,360 Hammond, it opens up down there. 588 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,080 Can you see? About 200 yards. 589 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,320 Yes, clear water. Oh, yes. 590 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:39,600 Yes! 591 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,040 I'm weed free! 592 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,560 What a victory for the antique, eh? 593 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,600 We then sailed down a narrow channel 594 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:50,400 created by the fishermen. 595 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,680 Do you know what's the most amazing thing about these reeds, 596 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,640 apart from that they look like giant flat-leaf parsley? 597 00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:00,240 It's that, according to a local, if I understood him correctly, 598 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,440 they weren't even here ten days ago. 599 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,280 And now there are miles of them. 600 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:07,160 Ten days! 601 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,360 Imagine if you could grow vegetables that quickly. 602 00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:15,640 Joyfully, though, the river eventually opened up. 603 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:19,280 And, finally, after two days of frustration, 604 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,240 all of us were able to open the taps. 605 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:29,760 For me especially, this was great 606 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:33,080 because it meant I finally had some steering. 607 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,800 Oh, yes! Look at this! The speed! 608 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,000 The speed! 609 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,240 Oh-ho-ho! 610 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,280 Oh, my word! 611 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,000 Come on, boat machine! 612 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:56,440 Du Ma! 613 00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:01,480 Mind you, when I say all of us had opened the taps... 614 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:07,320 Fuel and temperature's good. 615 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,800 Oil pressure is excellent. 616 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:12,800 I believe I am boating. 617 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:17,120 We were now on the Tonlé Sap, 618 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,560 the only river in the world where the flow 619 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,080 changes direction according to the season. 620 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:23,800 And straightaway, 621 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,960 Hammond and I had important work to do. 622 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,960 Do you wanna see who's got the quicker boat? 623 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,120 Oh, this is so inevitable! 624 00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,560 Right, what we're gonna have now is a drag race. 625 00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:39,440 And that's when he will see the vast superiority of the jet, 626 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,600 the instant torque and acceleration of jet power. 627 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,840 With a far-off bridge chosen as the finish point, 628 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:48,880 we lined up for a run. 629 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:52,840 Three... two... one... Go. 630 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,800 Oh, no! 631 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,480 There you go, there's the difference. Trimming my jets. 632 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,440 And that's goodbye, Mr Hammond. 633 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:13,360 I'm up on the plane now. 634 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:16,760 Ha-ha! 635 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,120 Oh, no, he... Look at him. 636 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:22,360 And here he's coming back at me. 637 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:24,880 Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! 638 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,120 No! Come on, boat machine, you can do this! 639 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:34,320 No! No! I won't have this! 640 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,000 I'm gonna do it! Come on! 641 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:38,840 Here's the finish line! 642 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:40,440 Yea-aaah! 643 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,160 No! No! 644 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,960 Ghastly little Brummie in his HMS Pornography. 645 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,080 Having lost the ridiculous drag race, 646 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:54,400 I proposed a high-speed brake test. 647 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:57,560 Ready? We're in full forward thrust with my jets. 648 00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:03,400 And I'm about to go into full reverse thrust. 649 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,320 Instantly. Just lowers some buckets down 650 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,640 and the water shoots forwards instead of back. 651 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:11,880 What Hammond didn't know is that this is a PBR party piece. 652 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,000 Three... two... one... Go. 653 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:29,920 Jesus Christ! 654 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,638 No, I-I will give you that! You won that! 655 00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:39,638 That was quite a soaking. 656 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:42,560 Famously, these PBRs can stop from top speed to a dead stop 657 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:44,600 in their own length, 31 feet. 658 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:48,360 There's water still dribbling down that camera, look, from that wave! 659 00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,120 I think I just proved... that story's true. 660 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,640 Meanwhile, several miles back, 661 00:34:56,680 --> 00:35:00,160 I'd pinned my engine to try and catch up with the other two. 662 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,158 Oh, cock! 663 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,160 My cushion's in the water. 664 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,480 Bollocks! 665 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,600 So, if I go full-right steering... 666 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:38,960 Stop. 667 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,000 What the bloody hell is...? 668 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:47,520 Hammond, you've gotta try a bit of wave jumping, it's hilarious. 669 00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:54,920 Oh, I like that game! 670 00:35:57,680 --> 00:35:59,638 There's Richard Hammond playing in the waves. 671 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:01,400 What could possibly go wrong? 672 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,480 Unlikely to be a fire for once. 673 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,440 Damn it, I'm enjoying it! Must not enjoy boating. 674 00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:14,960 Ya-ha-ha-hay! 675 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,480 While May entertained the locals, 676 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:31,960 Hammond and I were nearing Cambodia's capital city. 677 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,680 Yes! Phnom Penh. 678 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:39,760 There's Phnom Penh dead ahead. 679 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:50,400 I am in slight wonderment. 680 00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:53,158 Nobody told me when I failed my A Levels 681 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,600 that one day I'd be driving a PBR 682 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,158 down the Tonlé Sap River into Phnom Penh. 683 00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:01,920 Mainly because back then Cambodia was... 684 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,440 ...entirely impossible to get into 685 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:10,158 because it was run by the biggest lunatic the world's ever seen, 686 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,040 Pol Pot. 687 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:17,800 The man killed 25 per cent of the Cambodian population. 688 00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:19,840 25 per cent. 689 00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:23,880 He just said that anybody who could speak a foreign language, 690 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:27,638 or who had soft hands, or wore glasses... 691 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:31,638 Anyone remotely intelligent had to be killed. 692 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,840 If you haven't seen the movie The Killing Fields, 693 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,640 please watch it, please. 694 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,160 You'll get an idea from that of the horror. 695 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,840 Having parked up, we decided to wait for James at the FCC. 696 00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:52,040 I reckon this is one of the coolest bars 697 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:54,440 anywhere in the world. 698 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:58,040 Back in the day when Cambodia was, let's say, a troubled nation, 699 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:01,200 this is where all the foreign correspondents for all of the world's media outlets 700 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:02,840 used to meet for a drink, 701 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:05,000 hence FCC, Foreign Correspondents' Club. 702 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,200 It's when there was some romance in journalism. 703 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:08,960 Oh, and expense accounts. 704 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,200 And drinking. They drank a lot. 705 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:13,640 - You can feel it in the room. - You can. 706 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,400 You can sense ruined cirrhosis. 707 00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,680 Some intelligent, hammered minds. 708 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:21,880 They used to come in here with guns they'd found, 709 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:24,158 get absolutely slaughtered, 710 00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:27,040 and then just shoot guns from the balconies. 711 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:31,160 You could do clay beer-bottle shoots but with AKs! 712 00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,200 "I've drunk 17 beers." 713 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:35,840 "And we're going to have a considerable fight." 714 00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,760 "And then I'm going to write my copy with a broken nose." 715 00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:45,000 After we'd raised a glass or ten to the ghosts of the past, 716 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,040 James finally arrived. 717 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,520 And we decided to buy some things 718 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,320 to make our lives on board more comfortable. 719 00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:04,600 Oooh, missed 'em. 720 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:10,600 Why don't we go to the market first of all? 721 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,400 A real local market for local people? 722 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:13,920 - Yes. - Yeah, let's go there. 723 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,158 - Come on! - Yeah! 724 00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,000 That's using internal combustion. 725 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,040 What about global warming? 726 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,920 Eventually, we found the local market. 727 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:31,920 And immediately we were distracted by all the pretty watches. 728 00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,080 That's a Breitling. 729 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:40,640 I thought Breitling would take better care of their display than this. 730 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,520 Look at the Hublot. That's a tasteful watch. 731 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,920 And so light for such exquisite quality. 732 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:51,960 And all these diamonds. 733 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,158 - Omega. - Omega? 734 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,000 See, that is my Omega. 735 00:39:56,040 --> 00:40:00,280 And this one is orange but in every other way, identical. 736 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:02,520 Jezza? 737 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:04,000 They haven't realised it, 738 00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:05,520 but there's a gold Rolex there 739 00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:07,640 and there's a Planet Ocean Omega there. 740 00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:09,680 I just asked how much a Seamaster is. 741 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,360 These are about £3,000 in the UK, yes? 742 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,400 - Yes. - Guess how much they are here. 743 00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:15,880 I don't know, 2,000. 744 00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:19,400 - £50. - £50? 745 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:23,360 I mean, I know their overheads are low, but that's extraordinary. 746 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:27,040 - That must mean the mark-up on those watches is enormous. - Exactly. 747 00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,400 Oh, hello. Hello! 748 00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:32,560 Is that a real Jaguar belt? 749 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,680 I've got a Ja-a-ag. 750 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,200 How much is this? 751 00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:38,920 22 Dollars. 752 00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,320 25. And here, because you're a nice chap... 753 00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:44,160 - Yeah? - Erm... keep it. Thank you. 754 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:46,760 Nothing on God's green earth annoys me more 755 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:50,440 than European people haggling in places like this. 756 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,760 Cos they're haggling over a dollar... 757 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,440 It doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter, 758 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,280 and it matters a lot to them. 759 00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:58,880 Just pay the price. 760 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:00,920 - How much? - 75. 761 00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:04,440 Ow! I was thinking 25. 762 00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,680 Having stocked up on luxury goods, 763 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:09,560 we went in search of some more practical items. 764 00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:11,560 Oh, hello! Cooking, cooking. 765 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:13,280 Yes. 766 00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:15,040 Something for getting rid of flies. 767 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:16,160 Here. 768 00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:18,158 Flies, zz. 769 00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:20,400 - Taser. - Taser? 770 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,120 Oh, gee. 771 00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:29,640 Thank you. You're a life saver. It's very hot. 772 00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,920 What's that woman with the gold outfit? 773 00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,960 That looks Hindu. 774 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,000 - Is it very old? - Yes. 775 00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:55,800 It is? Oh. 776 00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,840 - Are these old as well? - Yes. 777 00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:15,360 Can I have another one for the other armpit? 778 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:21,040 Having bought all we needed to make a night afloat more comfortable, 779 00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,480 we immediately checked into a five-star hotel... 780 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,280 - Good evening. - Good evening. 781 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:29,320 Oh, of course, that's very kind. Thank you. 782 00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:31,800 ...and then went to the rooftop bar. 783 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,360 So, that is the government building down there. 784 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:39,120 Which I... Look at the lighting on that. 785 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,040 It's one of the cleverest... Cos it looks like curtains. 786 00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:44,040 It looks like theatre curtains closing or opening. 787 00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:46,080 Is that where the Prime Minister hangs out? 788 00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:49,040 - No, no, don't, don't, don't. - He's not there? 789 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:50,800 No, don't call him Prime Minister. 790 00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:52,200 Well, what is he, then? 791 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,040 Well, weirdly, I was reading the Financial Times. 792 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,000 And I've saved it. Hang on. 793 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:59,638 Mr Hun Sen, a ruler of 31 years, 794 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,640 who insists on being referred to as: 795 00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:06,560 "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander." 796 00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,760 So, if you are referring to him, you must say, 797 00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:13,320 "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander." 798 00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,480 His wife, Bun Rany, she is officially known as: 799 00:43:16,520 --> 00:43:21,200 "Most glorious and upright person of genius." 800 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,160 I want to be called... In fact, I want... 801 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,080 Most glorious and upright person of genius. 802 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,120 I want you two to start calling me that. 803 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,360 After a bit more conversation, we went to bed. 804 00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:36,360 Well, one of us did. 805 00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,440 I've got paint, paint brushes, 806 00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:42,280 and then I've got spray paint. 807 00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,800 Where's the bicycles? 808 00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:45,520 Oh, they're here. Thank you. 809 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,760 Thank you so much. Thank you very much. 810 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,040 I love to follow you. 811 00:43:56,240 --> 00:44:01,880 The next morning, I fitted my new lavatory seat and air-conditioning unit. 812 00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:04,520 James installed his drinks fridge. 813 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:07,520 And after Hammond had slipped into his new shirt... 814 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,120 we set off. 815 00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:20,960 And immediately, it was hard to keep a straight face. 816 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:23,040 We have played jokes on one another before, 817 00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:26,840 but I'm not sure we've ever pulled one as good as this. 818 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:28,640 From where Richard Hammond is standing, 819 00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:31,800 he has no idea what James and I have done. 820 00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:43,880 Hey, guys? 821 00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:48,080 This is the first time we've run under our own steam as a three. 822 00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,160 Yeah, it feels good. 823 00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,600 I'm not sure it feels that good, though, does it? 824 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:54,640 Do you know what might feel better? 825 00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:07,560 Thank you. 826 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:10,800 Very funny. 827 00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:21,600 We were now 150 miles into our journey 828 00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,240 and leaving the Tonlé Sap 829 00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:26,000 to join the world's most iconic river - 830 00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:29,000 the mighty Mekong. 831 00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:30,960 ♪ Hold on ♪ 832 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,000 ♪ I'm coming ♪ 833 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:35,040 ♪ I'm goin' my way... ♪ 834 00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:39,760 And I was going down it at full chat in a jet boat. 835 00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:46,280 These jets, they're New Zealand jets, and they are epic. 836 00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:48,600 ♪ Hold on ♪ 837 00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,120 ♪ I'm coming ♪ 838 00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:53,040 The jet skis you rent on holiday, 839 00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:54,760 they have one impeller in a tube, 840 00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:57,160 suck water in, shoot it out the back and go along. 841 00:45:57,200 --> 00:45:59,760 The jets in this are a bit different. 842 00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,240 They're two-stage impellers. 843 00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:03,880 One sucks the water in and gets it spinning, 844 00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:07,840 fires it into the second one that properly hammers it out the back. 845 00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:12,480 Instant acceleration, and a lot of it. 846 00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:18,560 Speed boating. 847 00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:27,680 There really was one of these in Miami Vice. 848 00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:31,760 Don Johnson drove around in it with his sleeves rolled up, looking cool. 849 00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:35,320 And, in fact, this is a Scarab Thunder, 850 00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:38,520 and it was built specially for a television series 851 00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:40,560 called Thunder starring Hulk Hogan. 852 00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:42,600 It lasted one season. 853 00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,400 It was crap. 854 00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:46,200 But the boat exists. 855 00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:54,120 Another funny thing about boats. 856 00:46:54,160 --> 00:47:00,960 When you have a car, you never, ever run it at max revs all day. 857 00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:02,800 But with boats, that's what you do. 858 00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,000 Have you ever driven a car where you've just... 859 00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:09,000 maxed it from the moment you start in the morning 860 00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:11,040 and left it maxed all day? 861 00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:14,600 Yeah, I had a company Renault Clio for a while 862 00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,480 and that's how I drove it. 863 00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,400 Meanwhile, a long way further back, 864 00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:27,040 I was contemplating the enormity of this incredible river. 865 00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,320 Here's a stat for you. 866 00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:33,480 The volume of fish caught in the Mekong 867 00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:36,960 is 13 times greater than the volume of fish 868 00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:41,280 caught in all of America's inland waterways combined. 869 00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:46,040 60 million people depend on the Mekong for food or their livelihood. 870 00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:48,080 60 million people. 871 00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:52,680 So messing this up with things like damming 872 00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:55,800 could be as bad as nuclear war. 873 00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:03,240 Up ahead, Jeremy and I were trying to create 874 00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:07,120 a professional impression at the Vietnamese border checkpoint. 875 00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:11,040 Oh, that hasn't worked. 876 00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:13,440 Oh. 877 00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:15,760 Yeah. 878 00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:17,800 - Hi. - Thank you. 879 00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:20,840 We're experienced travellers passing through. 880 00:48:20,880 --> 00:48:22,680 Yeah, we were born in boats, really. 881 00:48:26,720 --> 00:48:28,680 Hammond, I'm really sorry, 882 00:48:28,720 --> 00:48:30,720 but the customs man's dog has died. 883 00:48:32,720 --> 00:48:35,240 Oh, no. Oh, what a terrible time to arrive. 884 00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:37,320 I'm not sure he's gonna be very happy. 885 00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:40,440 Hello. 886 00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:43,000 I'm beginning to suspect there may be man-made fibres 887 00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:45,480 involved in this shirt of mine. 888 00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:47,520 It's uncomfortable. 889 00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:51,840 With the paperwork done, 890 00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:54,640 I observed nautical courtesy with the flags, 891 00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:58,080 donned a PBR-crew black beret... 892 00:48:58,120 --> 00:48:59,200 Right. 893 00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,480 ...and roared into the Nam. 894 00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:06,800 ♪ Some folks are born, made to wave the flag ♪ 895 00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:08,840 ♪ Ooh, they're red, white and blue ♪ 896 00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:13,680 ♪ And when the band plays Hail To The Chief ♪ 897 00:49:13,720 --> 00:49:15,440 ♪ Ooh, they point the cannon at you... ♪ 898 00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:18,600 Suddenly, the PBR is feeling alive and sprightly. 899 00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:21,520 ♪ It ain't me ♪ 900 00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:24,120 ♪ I ain't no senator's son, son ♪ 901 00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:27,520 This is what it was built to do, 902 00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:31,800 hammer down the Mekong River in Vietnam. 903 00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:35,320 ♪ Some folks are born, silver spoon in hand ♪ 904 00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:39,120 ♪ Lord, don't they help themselves, oh ♪ 905 00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:43,080 ♪ But when the taxman comes to the door ♪ 906 00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:46,760 ♪ Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale, yeah ♪ 907 00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:49,520 Cambodia, Mekong River virtually empty. 908 00:49:49,560 --> 00:49:53,840 In Vietnam now, Mekong River very full of commerce. 909 00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,560 ♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪ 910 00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:59,600 ♪ I'm no fortunate one, no ♪ 911 00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:03,760 I, too, was in Vietnam at this point, 912 00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:07,240 and something was dawning on me. 913 00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:10,640 Strikes me I'm being a bit of a mug because I'm thrashing this boat, 914 00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:15,480 but it only does 23 km/h, about 11.5 knots, 915 00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:18,720 and I'm trying to catch up with people I don't even want to be with anyway. 916 00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:23,240 So, I decided to ease off and break out my new fishing rod. 917 00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:34,200 That is working a treat. I should really have a spinner on 918 00:50:34,240 --> 00:50:36,080 or something like that, but... 919 00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:39,320 Yeah, that's fishing. 920 00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:41,840 In the most densely fish-populated 921 00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:43,320 fishing place in the world. 922 00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:54,520 After a few miles, I turned off the Mekong 923 00:50:54,560 --> 00:50:58,160 and asked Hammond to follow me to the town of Chau Doc. 924 00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:05,680 And this time, when we arrived under the watchful gaze of yet more officials, 925 00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,640 we were determined to park well. 926 00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:16,320 Jeremy? You've now got my boat and I'm not on it! 927 00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,160 What? 928 00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,280 I'm not on it and it's no longer tied on! 929 00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:22,480 - It's not tied on on that end? - No, it's come off! 930 00:51:22,520 --> 00:51:24,920 - Why didn't you tie it on? - I thought I had! 931 00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:28,520 Oh, for God's sake. Your boat's got free, Hammond. 932 00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:32,960 I quickly picked up Richard so he could re-acquire his boat. 933 00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:34,960 OK, that's that test concluded, 934 00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:37,120 "Where would it go?" test. It went to there. 935 00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:38,960 Yeah, exactly. So we now know... 936 00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:42,160 That's the drift, we've established the drift, it goes that way. 937 00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,720 Everything we need to know. 938 00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:47,720 Finally, we managed to tie ourselves to some land. 939 00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:51,000 And that is how we do that. 940 00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:53,440 And it was at this point Hammond got the joke. 941 00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:58,560 - I've just seen it! - What? 942 00:51:58,600 --> 00:52:00,960 What you've done to my boat. 943 00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,520 - Have I been... - Yes, all day. 944 00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:06,000 - How have I not seen that? - You haven't seen it all day. 945 00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:10,080 You've been through Cambodian customs, Vietnamese immigration, 946 00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:11,720 - Vietnamese customs. - Oh, my God! 947 00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:14,800 You've driven probably 100 miles down the Mekong. 948 00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:17,640 - I waved at people. "Hi!" - The thing is, Hammond, 949 00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:19,960 it's very bad luck to change the name of a boat. 950 00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:21,160 Oh, God. 951 00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:23,360 Anyway, I'll leave you to ponder that. 952 00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:25,120 The reason why... 953 00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:29,160 we've parked here in this quite tight spot 954 00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:31,520 and come to this town is because 955 00:52:33,240 --> 00:52:35,000 I want to tell you a little story. 956 00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:40,240 On January 31st, 1968 957 00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:43,920 the town of Chau Doc was overrun... 958 00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:47,080 as part of the Tet Offensive. 959 00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:02,800 A flotilla of PBRs set about rescuing Americans 960 00:53:02,840 --> 00:53:07,360 whilst others covered the evacuation with a stream of heavy machine-gun fire. 961 00:53:13,240 --> 00:53:15,960 It then turned out that in a house near the hospital, 962 00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:20,480 a 24-year-old American nurse called Maggie Frankot was stranded. 963 00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:22,760 Her Jeep was shot to pieces. 964 00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:24,600 The fighting was everywhere. 965 00:53:24,640 --> 00:53:26,800 There were Viet Cong soldiers all around her house. 966 00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:29,720 Some of them were even in it. 967 00:53:31,080 --> 00:53:33,960 Special Forces soldiers brought in by the PBRs 968 00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:36,440 eventually reached Maggie's location. 969 00:53:38,680 --> 00:53:40,400 And after a massive battle, 970 00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:43,400 she was dragged from the house with an injured knee 971 00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:45,440 and carried to one of the waiting boats. 972 00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:52,680 Afterwards, the Special Forces soldier responsible for these heroics, 973 00:53:52,720 --> 00:53:57,400 Sergeant Drew Dix, was honoured with a Presidential Citation. 974 00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:04,440 But the captain of the PBR 975 00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:07,760 that sped her away from the town and to safety, 976 00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:11,320 a man called Lieutenant William H Buddy O'Brien, 977 00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:14,360 did even better because, a year later... 978 00:54:15,640 --> 00:54:17,000 she married him. 979 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:24,840 I should call this thing The Love Boat. 980 00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:32,200 As it was getting late, I decided to pull over 981 00:54:32,240 --> 00:54:34,080 and use my improvised kitchen 982 00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:38,560 to produce something I'd learned on a recent holiday. 983 00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:40,600 - I came to Vietnam, as you know... - Yes. 984 00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:42,480 And in the mornings, I learnt Vietnamese, 985 00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:44,800 and then in the afternoons, I did a cookery course 986 00:54:44,840 --> 00:54:46,240 on how to make Pho. 987 00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:50,240 I mean, a lot of people think I'm just this big, 988 00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:52,280 blundering idiot that can't wire a plug. 989 00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:54,840 - That's the fella I'm thinking about. - Absolutely right, I am. 990 00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:57,760 - Do you like onions? - Yeah. 991 00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:00,960 Now, this is good-quality beef. 992 00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:03,280 I'm tempted to cook it a bit on the ladle. 993 00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:08,560 In Pho, there are 124 different herbs and spices. 994 00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:11,480 Erm... the... the car element 995 00:55:11,520 --> 00:55:15,920 of our car show is less prominent at the moment. 996 00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:18,720 Because we're on a boat talking about cooking. 997 00:55:18,760 --> 00:55:20,600 - But in a minute... - Yes? 998 00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:23,360 ...or a second, they'll cut back to James 999 00:55:23,400 --> 00:55:25,480 who will be talking about some mechanical thing. 1000 00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:26,920 You're right. 1001 00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:29,960 Oh, listen to that interesting beat. 1002 00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:35,240 My engine goes in and out of phase with the engine on the camera boat. 1003 00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:36,840 Can you hear it? 1004 00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:39,040 If I change the revs by a tiny amount... 1005 00:55:42,920 --> 00:55:44,600 Whir, whir, whir... 1006 00:55:46,240 --> 00:55:48,240 - Right, we are good to go. - Thank you. 1007 00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:52,640 Oh, I say! 1008 00:55:52,680 --> 00:55:54,160 This is not half bad. 1009 00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:56,080 Seriously? Or are you just being nice to me? 1010 00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:57,880 No, it is... It is genuinely very good. 1011 00:55:59,720 --> 00:56:02,680 Look at that view. 1012 00:56:02,720 --> 00:56:05,480 Mm. 1013 00:56:05,520 --> 00:56:07,120 After we'd had our fill, 1014 00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:08,960 it was time to clear up. 1015 00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:11,440 - That's really hot! - Yeah, it is hot. 1016 00:56:11,480 --> 00:56:12,880 - Yeah. - Let go. 1017 00:56:12,920 --> 00:56:15,320 Observe the genius that I am. 1018 00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,200 We're not polluting the river, by the way. 1019 00:56:19,240 --> 00:56:20,800 That all adds to the nutrients, doesn't it? 1020 00:56:20,840 --> 00:56:22,600 - That's biodegradable. - That is not polluting the river. 1021 00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:24,520 Anyone who writes in and says you're polluting the river, 1022 00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:27,160 - I shall write back and go, "No, we're just not." - "You're an arse!" 1023 00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:30,200 There they are, I think. 1024 00:56:31,480 --> 00:56:33,000 Yes. 1025 00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:35,440 May, is that you coming out of the gloom? 1026 00:56:35,480 --> 00:56:37,800 Yes, it is. Ahoy. 1027 00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:39,640 Perfect timing, mate, we're leaving. 1028 00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:41,360 We've gotta go find the Mekong. 1029 00:56:41,400 --> 00:56:43,560 Hang on, I thought we were having a Pho? 1030 00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:45,600 We did have one. It was brilliant. 1031 00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:47,960 Yeah, sorry, I tried to save you some 1032 00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:50,000 but Richard threw it in the river, 1033 00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:52,920 literally threw your portion in the river. 1034 00:56:52,960 --> 00:56:55,880 Well, thanks very much after my very arduous day. 1035 00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:01,360 Sadly, his day was about to get even more arduous 1036 00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:04,280 because we had to re-find the Mekong, 1037 00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:07,400 and I was the only one equipped for night running. 1038 00:57:11,240 --> 00:57:12,880 My situation update. 1039 00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:15,080 I am steering by my head torch 1040 00:57:15,120 --> 00:57:17,440 strapped to the flagpole thing on the front. 1041 00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:22,160 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 1042 00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:26,440 Why do I always end up with no headlights? 1043 00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:29,080 Every bloody trip. 1044 00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:31,600 And to make things worse... 1045 00:57:31,640 --> 00:57:33,640 Gentlemen, I have a poorly engine. 1046 00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:35,680 It's overheating badly. 1047 00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:37,720 It's starting to backfire and cough. 1048 00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:39,600 The reason you're having all these problems 1049 00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:41,800 is because you've changed the name of your boat. 1050 00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:46,080 Yes, well, I didn't change it, did I? 1051 00:57:46,120 --> 00:57:49,480 As I was the only one with sat nav and a proper light, 1052 00:57:49,520 --> 00:57:51,520 it was up to me to navigate. 1053 00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:56,640 And I just saw a little passageway. Hang on. 1054 00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:00,200 There is, there is a passageway. 1055 00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:02,440 Follow me. 1056 00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:04,080 I know this looks dodgy 1057 00:58:04,120 --> 00:58:05,840 but this is the way back to the Mekong. 1058 00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:07,360 Ooh. 1059 00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:09,800 However, as soon as I made the turn, 1060 00:58:09,840 --> 00:58:12,200 I realised I had a problem. 1061 00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:17,240 Not more weeds. Please God, no. 1062 00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:23,800 Any minute now, I'm under the boat, 1063 00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:26,680 picking bits of lettuce out of my jets. 1064 00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:32,560 And, sure enough, 100 yards later... 1065 00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:43,200 That's me dead. I have no drive. 1066 00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:49,440 I solved this by paying a local to clear the intakes. 1067 00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:55,400 And then I soldiered on with him and our translator for company. 1068 00:58:55,440 --> 00:58:58,840 This was useful because it meant I could clear up something 1069 00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:01,040 that had been puzzling me. 1070 00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:03,080 Could you answer this for me? 1071 00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:05,120 - My boat is called... - Du Ma. 1072 00:59:07,200 --> 00:59:10,120 And everybody laughs when I go, "Du Ma." 1073 00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:13,560 Everybody laughs for a reason. 1074 00:59:13,600 --> 00:59:15,600 But it means "Boat Machine." 1075 00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:18,720 Boat Machine? 1076 00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:20,760 Du: boat. Ma: machine. 1077 00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:24,880 So, why is that funny? 1078 00:59:24,920 --> 00:59:27,320 It's a similar pronunciation to 1079 00:59:27,360 --> 00:59:29,840 "f*** your mother" in Vietnamese. 1080 00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:32,240 - What? - Mmm. 1081 00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:34,240 - Yes. - You're joking? 1082 00:59:34,280 --> 00:59:35,880 Oh, right. 1083 00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,640 I'm losing drive. I'm losing drive. 1084 00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,640 Oh, shit. 1085 00:59:40,680 --> 00:59:42,680 I'm in a tree. Big problem. 1086 00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:47,320 As it was late and Hammond's boat was poorly, 1087 00:59:47,360 --> 00:59:50,840 and I was in a tree, we decided to make camp. 1088 00:59:54,760 --> 00:59:57,720 And we woke the next morning in a blanket of drizzle 1089 00:59:57,760 --> 01:00:00,200 with no idea where we were. 1090 01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:04,840 It's all gone a bit English-boating-holiday, hasn't it? 1091 01:00:04,880 --> 01:00:06,160 Yeah. 1092 01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:08,480 Why did he turn off the Mekong, anyway? 1093 01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:13,240 He wanted to stop off and make a history programme or something. 1094 01:00:13,280 --> 01:00:16,320 No, listen, he did a cooking show last night as well. You missed that. 1095 01:00:16,360 --> 01:00:19,360 My pho was so light and beautiful... 1096 01:00:19,400 --> 01:00:21,440 Oh, this man's going to see me! 1097 01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:24,040 They're gonna be scarred for life. 1098 01:00:25,080 --> 01:00:26,960 Morning. 1099 01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:31,080 If he falls in and follows his own turd... 1100 01:00:31,120 --> 01:00:34,520 - Trousers. - ..into the lavatory bowl... 1101 01:00:34,560 --> 01:00:36,720 and emerges with it stuck to his head... 1102 01:00:36,760 --> 01:00:40,760 Someone would say, "There's a particularly massive turd in the river this morning." 1103 01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:44,000 With the morning ablutions complete, 1104 01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:45,840 it was time to move on. 1105 01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:51,080 And, since it was Jeremy who'd got us lost, 1106 01:00:51,120 --> 01:00:54,960 we decided it was up to him to get us un-lost. 1107 01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:57,160 You're in charge of charts. Lead the way. 1108 01:00:57,200 --> 01:00:59,840 We shall reacquire the Mekong very soon. 1109 01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:02,960 Yeah, I hope so. For your sake, really. 1110 01:01:05,520 --> 01:01:08,120 I admit we are entirely lost 1111 01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:11,160 and none of these canals are marked on the map. 1112 01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:15,600 Ooh. 1113 01:01:17,520 --> 01:01:20,960 A few miles later, while still not on the Mekong, 1114 01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:23,320 we came across a floating market... 1115 01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:28,800 ...and decided to buy some breakfast. 1116 01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,880 It's not really a supermarket, is it? 1117 01:01:32,920 --> 01:01:34,680 Where do I... What do I do? 1118 01:01:34,720 --> 01:01:37,160 You drive in there, pull up alongside a boat 1119 01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:40,360 where you like the look of the produce, and then buy it. 1120 01:01:41,880 --> 01:01:44,840 For Richard and James, this turned out to be easy. 1121 01:01:44,880 --> 01:01:46,840 - Thank you. - Thank you. 1122 01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:50,880 But for me, in the unruly PBR... 1123 01:01:50,920 --> 01:01:52,320 Oh, my God! 1124 01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:54,280 hell! 1125 01:01:54,320 --> 01:01:56,640 I can't steer it. 1126 01:01:56,680 --> 01:01:58,560 Oh, my giddy aunt. 1127 01:01:58,600 --> 01:02:01,040 Sorry. Sorry. 1128 01:02:01,080 --> 01:02:03,800 I'm just... I'm gonna have... Oh, no, no, no, no. 1129 01:02:03,840 --> 01:02:06,920 Hammond, I've smashed your window. 1130 01:02:06,960 --> 01:02:08,800 Yeah, I can see that. 1131 01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,280 Yeah. 1132 01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:12,400 - Stop beeping! - Hello, hello. 1133 01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:14,280 Hello. What's that? 1134 01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:17,440 - Yes. - 50 cents. OK. 1135 01:02:17,480 --> 01:02:21,600 - OK. OK. - I've bought... What are they? 1136 01:02:21,640 --> 01:02:23,960 Move the...! 1137 01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:25,480 Ooh. Sorry. 1138 01:02:25,520 --> 01:02:27,640 I'll go over here. I meant... 1139 01:02:27,680 --> 01:02:29,400 Don't... 1140 01:02:29,440 --> 01:02:31,600 Don't spin around again. Oh, no! 1141 01:02:31,640 --> 01:02:33,520 Sorry. 1142 01:02:33,560 --> 01:02:36,200 Tomatoes. Excellent. And an onion. 1143 01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:39,240 Thank you. No idea what that is. 1144 01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:41,800 Wait a minute. This is looking good. 1145 01:02:41,840 --> 01:02:44,360 I think, for once... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 1146 01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:45,880 It's gone wrong. 1147 01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:48,080 Oh, God. Sorry. I'm gonna break his rudder. 1148 01:02:48,120 --> 01:02:51,320 Oh... Yeah. 1149 01:02:51,360 --> 01:02:53,400 I eventually left empty-handed. 1150 01:02:53,440 --> 01:02:56,280 But, as James prepared his breakfast... 1151 01:02:56,320 --> 01:02:58,040 Ahh! 1152 01:02:59,080 --> 01:03:01,360 ...we found the Mekong. 1153 01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:04,440 Sadly, however, it didn't end our problems. 1154 01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:08,320 If we followed this particular bit of the Mekong, or this one, 1155 01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:09,840 or any of the others, 1156 01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:11,520 we'd end up in the sea, 1157 01:03:11,560 --> 01:03:13,280 and avoiding any form of sea 1158 01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:15,760 in our riverboats was critical. 1159 01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:20,240 So, we had to find another path through the delta. 1160 01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:22,440 This meant turning off the Mekong again 1161 01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:26,480 and onto another canal, which made Hammond very angry. 1162 01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:28,440 Oh, this looks weird! 1163 01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:30,280 We're on another bloody canal! 1164 01:03:31,320 --> 01:03:33,320 Oh, for God's sake. 1165 01:03:33,360 --> 01:03:36,240 Hammond, if I still had 50 cals on the front of this, 1166 01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:39,080 I promise I would open up on you right now. 1167 01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:41,080 Yes, well, you haven't. And there's a reason for that. 1168 01:03:41,120 --> 01:03:43,960 Because you'd probably lose them the same way you lost the massive river. 1169 01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:45,920 You'd lose your massive machine gun. 1170 01:03:47,000 --> 01:03:50,040 It cannot be this way. 1171 01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:57,480 I was convinced we were going in the right direction 1172 01:03:57,520 --> 01:03:59,880 and for the right reasons. 1173 01:03:59,920 --> 01:04:04,560 But, still, none of these canals appeared on my sat-nav system. 1174 01:04:14,040 --> 01:04:18,640 OK. So, we're going south. We're going the wrong way. 1175 01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:20,840 If I do a left and a right... 1176 01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:22,720 we'll wiggle about and I'll be fine. 1177 01:04:31,440 --> 01:04:33,080 I think there's a left turn here. 1178 01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:36,960 If we take this, I think that'll help us find the correct Mekong. 1179 01:04:37,000 --> 01:04:39,800 Or just get us more lost. 1180 01:04:39,840 --> 01:04:43,680 Jeremy Clarkson, would you like to rethink this? This is your chance. 1181 01:04:44,920 --> 01:04:47,120 Calm. 1182 01:04:48,360 --> 01:04:52,080 Eventually, we came to an aquatic T-junction. 1183 01:04:59,600 --> 01:05:02,160 So, which way is it? 1184 01:05:04,720 --> 01:05:06,880 Right, chaps, we're gonna go... 1185 01:05:06,920 --> 01:05:09,440 Take a right, James. 1186 01:05:10,560 --> 01:05:12,320 I followed James, 1187 01:05:12,360 --> 01:05:16,200 which meant Jeremy was directing us from the back. 1188 01:05:16,240 --> 01:05:19,600 So this right turn that you announced with absolute confidence 1189 01:05:19,640 --> 01:05:21,200 is based on what? 1190 01:05:21,240 --> 01:05:23,320 Hope. 1191 01:05:25,160 --> 01:05:26,680 Hammond, when you get through that, 1192 01:05:26,720 --> 01:05:28,960 could you just look back and see if I can? 1193 01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:31,160 - What? - Hammond! Hammond! Hammond! 1194 01:05:31,200 --> 01:05:33,280 Oh, oh, oh, that's not gonna work! 1195 01:05:38,160 --> 01:05:39,640 Ah, that didn't fit. 1196 01:05:39,680 --> 01:05:42,000 - Thanks, Hammond! - Well, I was... I... I... 1197 01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:44,760 I was getting through before I could turn round. 1198 01:05:44,800 --> 01:05:48,120 Do you know what that means, Hammond? The nav's gone. 1199 01:05:48,160 --> 01:05:51,000 Oh, well, it's done us a lot of bloody good so far, hasn't it! 1200 01:05:51,040 --> 01:05:54,120 Oh, we've lost the thing that's got us lost! 1201 01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:58,880 As we continued, the problems started 1202 01:05:58,920 --> 01:06:02,320 to come not from above but from below. 1203 01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:09,760 I think I'm bumping the bottom here occasionally. 1204 01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:12,120 I think I did just now, as well. 1205 01:06:14,400 --> 01:06:16,680 Oh, I am hitting the bottom. 1206 01:06:22,080 --> 01:06:24,360 Oh, wait a minute. 1207 01:06:26,400 --> 01:06:30,120 Hammond, it's a dead end. It's a dead end, for God's sake. 1208 01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:39,560 Sod it, I'm beached. Completely beached. 1209 01:06:39,600 --> 01:06:44,680 - You what? - And I can't turn round. Save yourself. 1210 01:06:44,720 --> 01:06:46,960 But it was too late for that. 1211 01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:50,680 Oh, for God's sake. 1212 01:06:50,720 --> 01:06:53,600 I could have turned round, but... 1213 01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:57,040 I'm weeded up. I'm losing drive. 1214 01:06:57,080 --> 01:07:01,120 I'm losing drive. I'm losing drive. 1215 01:07:01,160 --> 01:07:04,920 And you're looking for what? Sympathy? 1216 01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:07,600 Now all three of us were beached. 1217 01:07:10,160 --> 01:07:12,960 Well, this is crap, isn't it! 1218 01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:15,960 OK, chaps, here is the situation. 1219 01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:18,560 Using my intellect and genius, 1220 01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:21,120 I've deduced this is tidal. 1221 01:07:21,160 --> 01:07:22,720 We can see where the tide was, 1222 01:07:22,760 --> 01:07:26,600 so we simply have to wait for it to come back up again. 1223 01:07:26,640 --> 01:07:29,880 - Yeah, but it's going down. - Yes, that's my worry. 1224 01:07:29,920 --> 01:07:34,640 Whatever happens, we are definitely stuck here for a little while. 1225 01:07:36,920 --> 01:07:40,280 It's actually a really nice spot, weirdly. 1226 01:07:40,320 --> 01:07:44,000 Apart from the slowly-exposed bucket of fetid mud. 1227 01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,480 - Do you want a tomato? - No. 1228 01:07:49,520 --> 01:07:51,000 - Do you want a potato? - No. 1229 01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:53,240 - Would you like an onion? - No. 1230 01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:59,840 Guys. I've got my iPad. I can watch a movie. 1231 01:07:59,880 --> 01:08:01,680 There's a show on Prime Video here, 1232 01:08:01,720 --> 01:08:03,320 it's called The Grand Tour. 1233 01:08:03,360 --> 01:08:05,440 - I don't like it. - It's rubbish. 1234 01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:09,000 There's this one bloke on it I can't stand. 1235 01:08:11,040 --> 01:08:15,440 What are the locals thinking right now about us? 1236 01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:19,240 "They're making a movie and they've it up completely." 1237 01:08:21,560 --> 01:08:25,560 Another hour passed, and with the water still draining away, 1238 01:08:25,600 --> 01:08:27,360 it went dark. 1239 01:08:33,120 --> 01:08:36,600 Having waited most of the night, in a cloud of mosquitos, 1240 01:08:36,640 --> 01:08:38,680 for the tide to refloat us, 1241 01:08:38,720 --> 01:08:42,800 we retraced our steps and suffered more damage in the process. 1242 01:08:44,200 --> 01:08:45,960 So, the bridge that 1243 01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:48,240 ruined the radar dome on the way in, 1244 01:08:48,280 --> 01:08:51,320 on the way out, knocked off my nav lights, 1245 01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:54,840 my spotlight, and bent my roof here. 1246 01:08:54,880 --> 01:08:57,560 Which means every time I walk past, I hit my head. 1247 01:08:57,600 --> 01:09:01,440 So... I'm gonna tie this on as a reminder 1248 01:09:01,520 --> 01:09:03,240 to not hit my head. 1249 01:09:04,800 --> 01:09:08,000 On the up-side, I had found the correct canal - 1250 01:09:08,040 --> 01:09:11,920 a route that would keep us away from the South China Sea. 1251 01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:15,800 Unfortunately, everyone else had found it too. 1252 01:09:29,160 --> 01:09:31,160 Holy cow! 1253 01:09:31,200 --> 01:09:35,720 This like a motorway for water lorries. 1254 01:09:35,760 --> 01:09:38,318 I have never seen the like. 1255 01:09:38,320 --> 01:09:41,760 And in order to have any steering in the PBR, 1256 01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:44,320 I had to go down the motorway... 1257 01:09:44,360 --> 01:09:46,360 as fast as possible. 1258 01:09:46,400 --> 01:09:49,040 Ride Of The Valkyries 1259 01:09:51,040 --> 01:09:52,920 Jinking to miss the cargo. 1260 01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:54,640 Oh, no, wait. I'm gonna go right. 1261 01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:56,600 Going right. Changed my mind. 1262 01:10:02,280 --> 01:10:05,200 This is a head-on. I'm heading for a head-on. 1263 01:10:08,680 --> 01:10:11,080 Look how loaded that barge is. 1264 01:10:11,120 --> 01:10:13,800 If you saw that anywhere else in the world, you'd say, 1265 01:10:13,840 --> 01:10:15,720 "Oh, my God! That's about to sink!" 1266 01:10:15,760 --> 01:10:18,320 But, no, it's just plodding along. 1267 01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:22,840 What the hell's happened here? 1268 01:10:22,880 --> 01:10:25,320 Holy cow. 1269 01:10:25,360 --> 01:10:28,960 I think what's happened is he's beached the back end of it 1270 01:10:29,000 --> 01:10:30,800 and now he's spun round... 1271 01:10:30,840 --> 01:10:33,318 Oh, this is just hilarious. 1272 01:10:33,320 --> 01:10:36,640 Oh, dear, oh, dear. That's really bad. 1273 01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:39,200 How did he do that? 1274 01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:42,880 Mind you, you'd say that looking at us lot last night. 1275 01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:46,520 Soon, however, this wasn't the only boat in trouble. 1276 01:10:49,840 --> 01:10:53,080 Oh, that smells terrible now and there's a lot of smoke. 1277 01:10:53,120 --> 01:10:56,120 Ohh... 1278 01:10:56,160 --> 01:10:59,200 My right-hand engine is overheating. 1279 01:10:59,240 --> 01:11:01,520 I think, actually, it might be on fire. 1280 01:11:01,560 --> 01:11:04,000 Still, at least it then rained, 1281 01:11:04,040 --> 01:11:07,318 so I didn't have to worry about the fire spreading. 1282 01:11:09,720 --> 01:11:12,440 Oh, God almighty! 1283 01:11:12,520 --> 01:11:14,120 Being a caring soul, 1284 01:11:14,160 --> 01:11:16,800 I decided to go back to see if I could help. 1285 01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:19,320 Switching to wet weather mode. 1286 01:11:19,360 --> 01:11:23,400 And I'll give James a fly-by. I know he enjoys them. 1287 01:11:23,440 --> 01:11:25,960 Here we go. 1288 01:11:27,800 --> 01:11:29,680 Clarkson! 1289 01:11:32,800 --> 01:11:34,280 What's the matter? 1290 01:11:34,320 --> 01:11:37,840 Uh, I've lost drive on both sides, pretty much. 1291 01:11:37,880 --> 01:11:40,560 Oh, actually, I know how to... 1292 01:11:40,600 --> 01:11:42,880 fix a slipping prop shaft. 1293 01:11:42,920 --> 01:11:45,920 - How? - Get the boat out of the water, 1294 01:11:45,960 --> 01:11:47,960 send for new parts from America, 1295 01:11:48,000 --> 01:11:50,640 and then ask a man to fit them. 1296 01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:54,000 With that advice dispensed, I was on my way back. 1297 01:12:00,120 --> 01:12:01,840 Oh, no. 1298 01:12:01,880 --> 01:12:05,000 We're hoping to reach the finish point today. 1299 01:12:05,040 --> 01:12:08,318 We're only 100 kilometres now from Vung Tau. 1300 01:12:08,320 --> 01:12:13,400 But, at this rate, I'm not sure that's gonna happen. 1301 01:12:13,440 --> 01:12:16,440 In order to hold us up as little as possible, 1302 01:12:16,520 --> 01:12:18,680 I attached myself to a camera boat, 1303 01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:21,640 so I could do repairs on the move. 1304 01:12:21,680 --> 01:12:25,080 This one is not firing on all cylinders. That one's not good either. 1305 01:12:25,120 --> 01:12:27,880 I'm gonna change all of the plugs, all of the leads. 1306 01:12:27,920 --> 01:12:29,880 The fuel is filthy around here, 1307 01:12:29,920 --> 01:12:32,920 so I'm gonna change the fuel filters. 1308 01:12:32,960 --> 01:12:35,080 I'm gonna clean the air filters. 1309 01:12:35,120 --> 01:12:37,280 There is a leak coming through the exhaust stack 1310 01:12:37,320 --> 01:12:38,960 at the back, with a blown hose. 1311 01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,280 I've got to change that or I'll sink. 1312 01:12:41,320 --> 01:12:42,440 To work! 1313 01:12:44,000 --> 01:12:45,600 Leaving Richard to try and mend 1314 01:12:45,640 --> 01:12:48,000 his burning colander... 1315 01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:53,520 I finally sailed clear of the rain. 1316 01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:55,440 Oh, no! 1317 01:12:57,320 --> 01:13:00,520 My expensive Bell and Ross is all fogged up. 1318 01:13:00,560 --> 01:13:02,400 That's going back. 1319 01:13:04,800 --> 01:13:07,520 Even further ahead, I'd left the canal 1320 01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:10,840 and was entering one of the delta's giant estuaries. 1321 01:13:16,080 --> 01:13:17,800 This one's a long way from home, 1322 01:13:17,840 --> 01:13:21,200 taking a lot of Vietnamese training shoes to Panama. 1323 01:13:26,520 --> 01:13:28,560 Power is good. Temperature's good. 1324 01:13:28,600 --> 01:13:34,320 Fuel is very... Ooh, Christ, fuel is very low. Oh, dear. 1325 01:13:34,360 --> 01:13:36,760 But, actually, that was OK 1326 01:13:36,800 --> 01:13:39,680 because in busy, industrious Vietnam 1327 01:13:39,720 --> 01:13:43,520 you can summon a Deliveroo-style refuelling boat. 1328 01:13:43,560 --> 01:13:46,040 I'm heading at 120 degrees. 1329 01:13:46,080 --> 01:13:48,280 OK, I'll keep my eye open. 1330 01:13:50,280 --> 01:13:53,318 And, sure enough, half an hour later... 1331 01:13:53,320 --> 01:13:56,240 Oh, here he is. 1332 01:13:56,280 --> 01:13:58,520 You see, this is service, 1333 01:13:58,560 --> 01:14:02,120 from this environmentally-friendly boat that's arrived. 1334 01:14:04,720 --> 01:14:07,840 I've been joined by the Rainbow Warrior. 1335 01:14:07,880 --> 01:14:11,000 Actually creating a lake of soot. 1336 01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:17,880 Once I'd refuelled, I sailed into what is - 1337 01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:19,920 for my boat at least... 1338 01:14:22,120 --> 01:14:24,120 home. 1339 01:14:26,760 --> 01:14:31,440 Today, this particular area is known as the National Biosphere. 1340 01:14:33,040 --> 01:14:35,800 This is one of the most fertile places on Earth. 1341 01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:37,640 Anything grows here. 1342 01:14:37,680 --> 01:14:39,240 You could plant Richard Hammond 1343 01:14:39,280 --> 01:14:41,680 and in the morning he'd be three feet taller. 1344 01:14:41,720 --> 01:14:44,800 But the Americans used to call it something different. 1345 01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:49,160 They called it The Forest of the Assassins. 1346 01:14:50,920 --> 01:14:53,400 And it was the job of the PBR boys 1347 01:14:53,440 --> 01:14:56,320 to root those assassins out. 1348 01:14:57,400 --> 01:14:59,040 That was no easy task 1349 01:14:59,080 --> 01:15:02,960 'cause we're talking about 500 square miles of forest, 1350 01:15:03,000 --> 01:15:07,560 criss-crossed by 3,000 miles of rivers and creeks. 1351 01:15:08,800 --> 01:15:10,360 It was the perfect place 1352 01:15:10,400 --> 01:15:13,440 for the Viet Cong to wage guerrilla warfare... 1353 01:15:16,640 --> 01:15:20,840 against America's little unarmoured war boats. 1354 01:15:20,880 --> 01:15:24,920 Initially, the crews were trained in America by the army, 1355 01:15:24,960 --> 01:15:27,760 and then they were trained by the navy, 1356 01:15:27,800 --> 01:15:31,880 and then they were told to just come out here and get on with it. 1357 01:15:34,760 --> 01:15:39,000 They literally put four teenagers, as often as not, 1358 01:15:39,040 --> 01:15:44,320 on an armed speedboat and sent them out here to do fighting. 1359 01:15:45,800 --> 01:15:47,520 Armaments? 1360 01:15:47,560 --> 01:15:51,000 Well, all of the boats had twin 50 cals upfront... 1361 01:15:52,800 --> 01:15:56,560 and a single 50 at the back. 1362 01:15:56,600 --> 01:16:00,160 But, beyond that, the captain could fit what he wanted. 1363 01:16:00,200 --> 01:16:03,400 Some went for 40-millimetre grenade launchers. 1364 01:16:03,440 --> 01:16:05,760 Some had 60-millimetre mortars. 1365 01:16:05,800 --> 01:16:08,000 Some had rocket launchers. 1366 01:16:08,040 --> 01:16:10,920 Some carried Claymore mines to leave on the banks. 1367 01:16:10,960 --> 01:16:16,200 And it was the same free-for-all when it came to air support. 1368 01:16:16,240 --> 01:16:21,400 Some PBR captains called in fast jets when they were attacked. 1369 01:16:21,440 --> 01:16:25,320 And some preferred to work in tandem with helicopter gunships. 1370 01:16:29,800 --> 01:16:33,440 Some guys, however, liked to handle the fight on their own. 1371 01:16:33,520 --> 01:16:35,920 There was one guy called James E Williams. 1372 01:16:35,960 --> 01:16:38,080 He came round a corner. His route was blocked 1373 01:16:38,120 --> 01:16:41,000 by eight enemy boats all firing at him. 1374 01:16:41,040 --> 01:16:44,600 So, he ordered his front machine-gunner to fire back, 1375 01:16:44,640 --> 01:16:46,720 and then engaged full speed 1376 01:16:46,760 --> 01:16:49,200 and rammed into the enemy boats. 1377 01:16:49,240 --> 01:16:52,880 Then he turned round, engaged full speed again, 1378 01:16:52,920 --> 01:16:56,960 and rammed into the ones that hadn't been turned into matchwood 1379 01:16:57,000 --> 01:16:59,080 on his first pass. 1380 01:16:59,120 --> 01:17:02,200 He got the Congressional Medal of Honor for that one. 1381 01:17:02,240 --> 01:17:05,318 And I'm not surprised. 1382 01:17:05,320 --> 01:17:07,920 Of course, you'd imagine that a plastic boat 1383 01:17:07,960 --> 01:17:12,680 would be easy pickings for a sniper hiding in the undergrowth. 1384 01:17:14,240 --> 01:17:18,440 But that's not so, as I shall now demonstrate. 1385 01:17:23,920 --> 01:17:27,600 PBR captains would always drive very fast, 1386 01:17:27,640 --> 01:17:31,760 so they had steering, and very close to the bank. 1387 01:17:31,800 --> 01:17:34,000 If it was the bank where the sniper was hiding... 1388 01:17:34,040 --> 01:17:38,640 I mean, if you're in there, you've got no chance. 1389 01:17:38,680 --> 01:17:43,280 All you have to do is keep the hammer down and keep close to a bank. 1390 01:17:44,680 --> 01:17:46,680 Then you're a sniper's nightmare. 1391 01:17:46,720 --> 01:17:49,040 Oh, shit. 1392 01:17:58,960 --> 01:18:03,080 Right, what I've just done is - there's no other word - I've crashed. 1393 01:18:11,640 --> 01:18:13,920 How have you done that? 1394 01:18:13,960 --> 01:18:17,318 OK, what happened was I came round this corner here, 1395 01:18:17,320 --> 01:18:19,840 there were some school children swimming, 1396 01:18:19,880 --> 01:18:22,600 and a shark was homing in for an attack. 1397 01:18:22,640 --> 01:18:26,680 So, I ran the shark down, and then got stuck in my own wake. 1398 01:18:26,720 --> 01:18:28,640 And it's just... Well, I've crashed now. 1399 01:18:28,680 --> 01:18:31,440 But the school children are all fine. 1400 01:18:32,800 --> 01:18:35,120 At first, a camera crew tried to pull me off, 1401 01:18:35,160 --> 01:18:38,320 but the PBR was too heavy. 1402 01:18:40,320 --> 01:18:42,600 Now what are you gonna do? 1403 01:18:42,640 --> 01:18:44,640 Well, that's a good question. 1404 01:18:44,680 --> 01:18:48,880 We were all stumped. 1405 01:18:48,920 --> 01:18:53,600 And that's because we hadn't reckoned on the ingenuity of the locals, 1406 01:18:53,640 --> 01:18:56,920 who decided to pull the boat from the front. 1407 01:19:01,240 --> 01:19:05,320 Right, um... Ooh, it's moving. Is it? 1408 01:19:07,720 --> 01:19:09,960 It's actually... Uh, we're moving. 1409 01:19:10,000 --> 01:19:12,560 I'm moving. I am moving. 1410 01:19:12,600 --> 01:19:15,400 I am absolutely staggered. 1411 01:19:16,880 --> 01:19:19,120 Look at this! This is a four-ton boat. 1412 01:19:22,840 --> 01:19:24,840 Yes! 1413 01:19:24,880 --> 01:19:27,040 You are a genius! 1414 01:19:27,080 --> 01:19:29,880 I must admit, that was a fantastic effort. 1415 01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:31,760 I didn't think that was gonna shift. 1416 01:19:31,800 --> 01:19:34,760 You know, people always say, "How did the Vietnamese beat 1417 01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:36,920 the French, the Chinese, and the Americans?" 1418 01:19:36,960 --> 01:19:39,840 I think we've just seen an example of it. 1419 01:19:41,320 --> 01:19:43,520 And, many miles back, on the porn set, 1420 01:19:43,560 --> 01:19:45,720 there was more good news. 1421 01:19:47,240 --> 01:19:49,680 There it is! I'm back in the running! 1422 01:19:49,720 --> 01:19:52,920 Both engines running on eight cylinders and running well. 1423 01:19:52,960 --> 01:19:56,640 Plus, I'm no longer on fire or sinking. 1424 01:19:59,080 --> 01:20:01,320 All of us were running well, in fact. 1425 01:20:01,360 --> 01:20:03,840 The finish line was in striking distance 1426 01:20:03,880 --> 01:20:06,520 and even though our weird collection of boats 1427 01:20:06,560 --> 01:20:11,280 had been captained by two terrible sailors and a hopeless navigator, 1428 01:20:11,320 --> 01:20:16,280 they had, nevertheless, survived this epic adventure. 1429 01:20:18,240 --> 01:20:20,240 Oh-oh! 1430 01:20:20,280 --> 01:20:22,400 It's really windy! 1431 01:20:22,440 --> 01:20:24,440 Ooh-ooh! 1432 01:20:32,080 --> 01:20:33,120 No? 1433 01:20:34,760 --> 01:20:36,800 Come on! Come on! Come on! 1434 01:20:36,840 --> 01:20:39,600 - No, I won't have this! - Yeah! 1435 01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:43,320 Oh, God. 1436 01:20:45,680 --> 01:20:47,800 Here we go into the reeds. 1437 01:20:50,280 --> 01:20:52,880 Sleeping... ...elephant. 1438 01:20:54,920 --> 01:20:56,800 Oh, my God. 1439 01:20:56,840 --> 01:20:58,000 Sorry. 1440 01:20:59,400 --> 01:21:00,920 Oh, cock. 1441 01:21:05,200 --> 01:21:06,560 Hammond! Hammond! Hammond! 1442 01:21:08,400 --> 01:21:09,840 Ah, that didn't fit. 1443 01:21:09,880 --> 01:21:12,160 Oh, we've lost the thing that's got us lost. 1444 01:21:14,520 --> 01:21:16,600 Well, this is crap, isn't it? 1445 01:21:27,160 --> 01:21:28,960 Oh, shit! 1446 01:21:39,880 --> 01:21:41,920 20 miles to go. 1447 01:21:43,240 --> 01:21:45,840 What can possibly go wrong? 1448 01:21:45,880 --> 01:21:49,320 As it turned out, just about everything. 1449 01:21:55,960 --> 01:21:59,160 This time, the rain was the heaviest we'd seen. 1450 01:22:00,760 --> 01:22:03,600 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 1451 01:22:03,640 --> 01:22:05,560 This is grim. 1452 01:22:07,280 --> 01:22:09,440 hell, I can't see a thing. 1453 01:22:13,320 --> 01:22:16,200 Soon, we were completely lost. 1454 01:22:22,120 --> 01:22:25,280 Have I overtaken you? Have you seen me go by? 1455 01:22:25,320 --> 01:22:28,560 I can't see a thing and I can't steer. 1456 01:22:31,280 --> 01:22:33,400 When the rain did eventually clear, 1457 01:22:33,440 --> 01:22:37,200 we realised we had emerged into the one thing 1458 01:22:37,240 --> 01:22:40,080 I'd been trying so desperately to avoid. 1459 01:22:41,640 --> 01:22:44,080 OK, well, now, what we've done... 1460 01:22:44,120 --> 01:22:46,160 what I'm doing here... 1461 01:22:47,320 --> 01:22:48,960 That's the sea. 1462 01:22:51,280 --> 01:22:54,840 30 miles of open ocean lay between us 1463 01:22:54,880 --> 01:22:57,320 and the finishing line at Vung Tau. 1464 01:23:01,720 --> 01:23:04,280 But, as the water didn't look too rough... 1465 01:23:06,560 --> 01:23:10,960 we decided to put on some life jackets and go for it. 1466 01:23:12,120 --> 01:23:13,960 I've been thinking. Jeremy? 1467 01:23:14,000 --> 01:23:16,360 The sea is in some ways a lawless place, 1468 01:23:16,400 --> 01:23:18,318 but in others there is a strict code, isn't there? 1469 01:23:18,320 --> 01:23:21,800 You stick together through thick and thin, face perils as one. 1470 01:23:21,840 --> 01:23:23,600 Yeah. Thing is, though, 1471 01:23:23,640 --> 01:23:25,880 to operate efficiently as a team, 1472 01:23:25,920 --> 01:23:29,320 each team member has to be at their optimum. 1473 01:23:29,360 --> 01:23:32,920 At this speed, I'm not at my best. I have no steering. 1474 01:23:32,960 --> 01:23:34,760 And so... 1475 01:23:34,800 --> 01:23:37,320 Three, two, one... Go. 1476 01:23:48,000 --> 01:23:49,080 Funny. 1477 01:23:50,440 --> 01:23:51,920 As it turned out, 1478 01:23:51,960 --> 01:23:54,680 that would be the last funny moment of the day. 1479 01:23:57,000 --> 01:23:58,800 Oh, my God! 1480 01:23:59,800 --> 01:24:02,400 Argh, fuck! 1481 01:24:02,440 --> 01:24:06,040 I'll try standing up, see if that helps. With bent knee. 1482 01:24:06,080 --> 01:24:09,240 Oh, no! Oh, God. 1483 01:24:13,960 --> 01:24:16,920 God above, this is just awful. 1484 01:24:18,160 --> 01:24:20,320 Oh! 1485 01:24:23,960 --> 01:24:25,600 I'm gonna throw up at this rate, 1486 01:24:25,640 --> 01:24:27,160 not because of sea sickness but because of 1487 01:24:27,200 --> 01:24:29,360 the amount of salt water in my mouth. 1488 01:24:36,000 --> 01:24:37,000 [BLEEP] 1489 01:24:42,120 --> 01:24:43,520 No! 1490 01:24:57,920 --> 01:25:01,320 This is a lot worse than I thought it was going to be. 1491 01:25:03,200 --> 01:25:05,120 It wasn't just the rough seas. 1492 01:25:07,600 --> 01:25:11,000 We also had to weave our way through the shipping lanes. 1493 01:25:12,080 --> 01:25:13,760 There's a large tanker dead ahead. 1494 01:25:13,800 --> 01:25:15,920 Trawler off to my right. 1495 01:25:17,000 --> 01:25:18,680 Sheez. 1496 01:25:18,720 --> 01:25:22,840 I've managed to miss that massive container ship. That's something. 1497 01:25:27,080 --> 01:25:30,000 $3.5 trillion worth of trade 1498 01:25:30,040 --> 01:25:32,360 comes through these waters every year. 1499 01:25:32,400 --> 01:25:35,160 God knows how it isn't all smashed to pieces 1500 01:25:35,200 --> 01:25:36,920 when it gets to its destination. 1501 01:25:42,120 --> 01:25:44,960 Jesus Christ. 1502 01:25:45,000 --> 01:25:48,360 If one big wave goes in there, I'm gonna get very nose-heavy. 1503 01:25:48,400 --> 01:25:51,680 And I cannot realistically get up there to put it back. 1504 01:25:54,120 --> 01:25:58,200 Meanwhile, I'd finally managed to put my roof up... 1505 01:25:58,240 --> 01:26:01,240 Oh, yes. There's a chance. There's a chance. 1506 01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:03,720 ...which was time well spent. 1507 01:26:05,760 --> 01:26:07,880 Holy shit! 1508 01:26:11,040 --> 01:26:13,240 Ohh, bollocks. 1509 01:26:19,720 --> 01:26:23,520 Stop... doing... that! 1510 01:26:23,560 --> 01:26:27,320 The good news is, Hammond, it can't be worse than this. 1511 01:26:32,320 --> 01:26:34,400 But it did get worse. 1512 01:26:44,160 --> 01:26:47,120 Ohh! Nora. 1513 01:26:50,440 --> 01:26:53,160 Sheez. This is stupid. 1514 01:26:54,840 --> 01:26:56,880 It's gonna snap. 1515 01:27:07,920 --> 01:27:10,680 I just pissed myself standing up where I was. 1516 01:27:10,720 --> 01:27:13,320 Anything else is not an option. 1517 01:27:14,600 --> 01:27:18,120 Oh! Freezing and wet. 1518 01:27:23,720 --> 01:27:26,600 This is getting sketchy. 1519 01:27:26,640 --> 01:27:30,400 I'm not sure we can do this. 1520 01:27:30,440 --> 01:27:33,840 Certainly, one of our camera boats was in very big trouble. 1521 01:27:35,400 --> 01:27:38,240 Bloody hell. We're taking in too much water. 1522 01:27:38,280 --> 01:27:39,920 I don't know if it's dangerous. 1523 01:27:39,960 --> 01:27:43,000 We'll never get there at this rate. 1524 01:27:43,040 --> 01:27:46,840 And James had completely lost control of his antique. 1525 01:27:46,880 --> 01:27:49,840 Oh! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! 1526 01:28:11,840 --> 01:28:13,800 Oh, sake! 1527 01:28:14,880 --> 01:28:16,280 No! 1528 01:28:17,560 --> 01:28:20,120 Argh. 1529 01:28:20,160 --> 01:28:23,960 After 15 miles, the sea started to calm a little 1530 01:28:24,000 --> 01:28:26,920 and I decided to increase speed. 1531 01:28:28,520 --> 01:28:31,360 Come on, you brave little soldier. 1532 01:28:31,400 --> 01:28:33,440 Come on, bite. Bite, bite, bite. 1533 01:28:33,480 --> 01:28:35,080 Bite. 1534 01:28:37,920 --> 01:28:40,400 I can't stand much more of this. 1535 01:28:40,440 --> 01:28:42,160 It's only a few miles! 1536 01:28:45,840 --> 01:28:48,640 Come on. I'm running in fast now. I want this over. 1537 01:28:50,800 --> 01:28:52,640 Argh! 1538 01:28:52,680 --> 01:28:56,200 The top three worst things I've ever done. 1539 01:28:56,240 --> 01:28:59,320 Mercifully, the finish line, Vung Tau harbour, 1540 01:28:59,360 --> 01:29:01,000 then hoved into view. 1541 01:29:07,080 --> 01:29:09,120 Come on. It can't be more than a mile. 1542 01:29:13,600 --> 01:29:15,080 Well, that's brilliant. 1543 01:29:15,120 --> 01:29:18,400 These last couple of hours have damn nearly killed me. 1544 01:29:18,440 --> 01:29:20,360 They probably have James and Richard. 1545 01:29:20,400 --> 01:29:21,960 I can't raise either of them on the radio. 1546 01:29:22,000 --> 01:29:23,760 I don't know where they are. 1547 01:29:25,080 --> 01:29:28,000 I reached the jetty very much alone. 1548 01:29:29,520 --> 01:29:31,320 Sorry, there's no film crews with me. 1549 01:29:31,360 --> 01:29:33,880 Um, I don't know where they are either. 1550 01:29:33,920 --> 01:29:37,120 But Richard Hammond is arriving. 1551 01:29:37,160 --> 01:29:38,880 He's made it. 1552 01:29:47,160 --> 01:29:49,200 Normally we'd celebrate the end of a journey, 1553 01:29:49,240 --> 01:29:52,080 but I'm not celebrating that. Beyond brutal. 1554 01:29:52,120 --> 01:29:54,680 Yeah, that was the hardest thing I've ever done. 1555 01:29:54,720 --> 01:29:58,520 Easily the hardest thing I've ever done. The most dangerous. 1556 01:29:58,560 --> 01:30:01,840 After a film crew arrived, we disembarked. 1557 01:30:03,640 --> 01:30:06,200 Have you really not heard from James at all? 1558 01:30:06,240 --> 01:30:08,320 No, nothing. 1559 01:30:10,440 --> 01:30:14,000 But then, the Rover 90 hoved into view. 1560 01:30:15,840 --> 01:30:19,320 It could be coming with nobody on it, like the Marie Celeste. 1561 01:30:19,360 --> 01:30:21,000 Well, I did wo... No, he is there. 1562 01:30:21,040 --> 01:30:23,240 Look, there's a very bedraggled dog at the helm. 1563 01:30:23,280 --> 01:30:24,640 Yeah. 1564 01:30:24,680 --> 01:30:26,160 Right. 1565 01:30:26,200 --> 01:30:28,320 We've been very worried about you. 1566 01:30:28,360 --> 01:30:31,120 Have you? I was very worried about me. But thank you. 1567 01:30:31,160 --> 01:30:33,360 Jeez. 1568 01:30:36,200 --> 01:30:39,320 I'm absolutely staggered it's still there. 1569 01:30:39,360 --> 01:30:41,560 - But we have survived. - Yeah. 1570 01:30:43,080 --> 01:30:45,720 And on that terrible disappointment... 1571 01:30:45,760 --> 01:30:49,120 for Top Gear... 1572 01:30:49,160 --> 01:30:51,720 ...it's time to say goodbye. We'll be back. 1573 01:30:51,760 --> 01:30:53,800 - See you very soon. - See you soon. 1574 01:30:54,162 --> 01:30:59,162 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org