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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour

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PHONE RINGS

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Happy Christmas, sis.
You going, then? Am I going where?

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It's Christmas Day!
You bloody well know where.

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To Dad's. The boot, Nigel!

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Wake up.
Well, are you?

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No, I've told you I'm not.
We're going to Nigel's folk

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and the parasite is really
kicking off.

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Dad, she called me parasite again!

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Well, you are a bloody parasite.

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You've ruined my body.

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Ruined it.

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You have to go, Wicky, end of.

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I've got plans.

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The White Horse are
doing a full Christmas dinner.

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Microwave turkey is dangerous,
Wicky.

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Have you not learnt from last time?

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It's not just the dinner -
Weasel's going a raffle

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during the King's Speech.

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You can win a horse.
Like, an actual horse.

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It's Christmas, Wicky.

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You should be able to put
aside your differences at Christmas.

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YOU put aside my differences
at Christmas.

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Take him to Nigel's parents
with you.

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Well, I can't,
because of Pablo.

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Nigel's mum's allergic.

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Her throat puffs up like a toad.

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Who the hell's Pablo?

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Dad's new dog.

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I love Pablo!

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Yes.
We all know you love Pablo.

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My God,
they repeat themselves at this age.

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He's bought a dog?!
Yes. It's really cute.

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Have you any idea how many times
I asked him for a dog

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when we were kids?
It's all I ever wanted.

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And he used to say,
"Oh, no, they're..."

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BOTH: "..rats that bark and shit."

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Right, well, that's it.
I'm definitely not going.

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He deserves to be on his own
and you know it.

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And you're going to end
up just like him.

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Think about going round to Dad's,
Wicky. He's an old man.

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It's Christmas.

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Nigel!

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Will you open this bloody boot?!

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Right, then.

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Let's dance.

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Moderate-to-severe blood pooling,
limited staining on porous surfaces,

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but mostly fake marble and Formica.

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Two hours 30, tops.

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And then Turkey, pint, new horse.

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Let's have it, Santa.

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the tree for me

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toni...

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Hey!

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Get out of it.

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Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.

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The parlour's closed.
The parlour's...

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Good afternoon.
My name is Robert...

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What are you doing here, kid?

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It's Sunday. And...? Every Sunday,

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I get a peach melba ice cream
in Alberto's.

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It's Christmas Day.

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It is also Sunday.
Right.

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OK. Listen, Robert...
Robert Kendrick. Yes, listen,

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Robert Kendrick,
the parlour is closed.

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Most shops are closed.

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It's Christmas Day.

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Alberto opens EVERY Sunday.

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He is an Italian-Jewish person,
so he does not celebrate Christmas.

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Now, could you please inform
Alberto that

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I've arrived for my peach melba?

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OK. You probably shouldn't hear
this on the news. Come in.

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I'm sorry to have to break
this to you, Robert,

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but Alberto's passed.

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On. He's passed on.

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He's...

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He's gone over to the other side.

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He's left this earthly plane.

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He's a...he's a cloud gardener.

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He dances with the angels, Robert.

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He is...

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He's got two goose arms.

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You're trying to tell me
Alberto is dead.

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I'm afraid so.

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Oh...

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Then I shall need to know the
cause of death.

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For my journal.

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Oh, OK.

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He was killed. How?

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A bad man hit him with a plank.

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A plank is not a suitable weapon.

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It might have been a plank. But you
said it was a plank just now.

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Yeah, I know, but...
Was it a plank or not?

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It might have been a bat.

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Cricket bat or a baseball bat?

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Cricket?

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Alberto was battered to death.

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Cricket bat. ..bat.

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I didn't do it.

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I'll be sure to tell the police
they can rule you out.

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You better go home.

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Alberto said he'd take me
home at 5:42pm.

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That's the time my bus usually goes
home. As there are no buses

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on Christmas Day, Alberto said he'd
take me home at the same time.

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5:42pm. I'm a valued customer.

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Alberto can't drive because
of the whole dead thing.

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I'm afraid the parlour is closed,
even to valued customers.

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So...

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But you're here and you're just
a cleaner. Be that as it may,

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clean I must.
So, if you'll forgive me, Robert...

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Robert Kendrick. Yes.

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PHONE RINGS

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HE SIGHS

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I'm not going.

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We've just popped in there.

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Listen, he's really sorry.

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He says he thinks
about you all the time.

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He actually thinks a lot
of his past behaviour was caused

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by his lactose intolerance.

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Oh, for God's sake,
will you listen to yourself?

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He's going to write you a letter.

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He's going to write a letter?
What, on a betting slip?

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He says he's changed.
He wants you to meet the dog, Wicky.

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I love Pablo!

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Yes, we know.

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First you wreck my tits
and now you drive me crazy.

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If I could turn back time.

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I'd like a peach melba,
please.

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Am I missing something here, mate?

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The parlour is closed.

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You have forgotten my name
and used mate as a replacement.

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I should have formally
introduced myself.

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I haven't forgotten your name.

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The parlour is closed.

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My name is Robert Kendrick.
I am 22 years old.

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At least we're getting some
new information through now.

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I live in Norford, a 23-minute
bus journey from here.

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Hand me a pen,
I'll ghost-write your memoirs.

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And I'm autistic.

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Yes, well, that's...

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..fantastic!

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Is it...because of the...

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..welcoming...

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We want to include, welcome.

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We're all welcome here, aren't we?

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It's the pizza of life.

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What do we want?
Do we want just cheese? NO.

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We want to put some pickles on
it if we want.

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I think, and I think everyone thinks
this, everyone is a little bit

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autistic, aren't they?

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No.
No.

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Who said that?
I did. Am I autistic?

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No, I'm not autistic.

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You're autistic.

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And that...is...good.

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Alan Turing was autistic.

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The mathematician who helped
to crack the Enigma code

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during World War II and saved
hundreds of thousands of lives.

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Do you know what the authorities
did to him?

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Well, I'm hoping they gave him
a lovely medal.

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They castrated him
because he was a homosexual. Mm.

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Chemically. His testicles
became redundant.

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Well, I know that feeling.

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You do? Are you a homosexual?
No.

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I'm disgusted by my own
genitals, Roberto.

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I don't want to get another man's
involved, but good luck

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to those lads.
Could be that your testosterone

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levels have naturally lowered
because of your age.

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Have you found you're
developing breasts?

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Peach melba.

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Coming right up.

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And then we can all go
for Christmas, can't we?

183
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Who gave you permission
to go behind the red line?

184
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Erm...

185
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..the police gave me permission. Hm.

186
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The red line authority went
from Alberto to the police.

187
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Alberto always told me I would never
be able to cross the red line

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for health and safety reasons.

189
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The police have vetted me
for health and safety reasons,

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and they have confirmed
that I am safe and...

191
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..health.

192
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How do you make a melba?

193
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One scoop of chocolate ice cream.

194
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One scoop of vanilla ice cream.

195
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One scoop of peach ice cream.

196
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Then cream on top of the ice cream.

197
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Then white chocolate flakes
on top of the cream.

198
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And then on top of the white
chocolate flakes

199
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is raspberry sauce. Right.

200
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And then a chocolate stick.

201
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Except I get two chocolate sticks
because I'm a valued customer.

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LOUD CLANGING

203
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So...

204
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Vanilla. But the... What's next?

205
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,520
But the... What's next?

206
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Peach. It's a peach melba. Right.

207
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,640
But that's not vanilla.

208
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,880
That is banana. There is no banana.

209
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:01,160
OK.

210
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,800
Now there is banana residue
on my glass.

211
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,600
Not a problem.

212
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,960
And...vanilla.

213
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,440
Yes, but... Ah-ah. Peach.

214
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,200
It's a peach melba, after all.

215
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,720
And then...cream.

216
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:26,120
And - I haven't forgotten -

217
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,120
white chocolate flakes.

218
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,360
Thank you.

219
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,480
And next... Now raspberry sauce
in an arcing motion.

220
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,640
In a...? Arcing motion.

221
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:39,280
Or the sauce will pull.
If I don't arc, the sauce will pull.

222
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:43,080
Finally...a chocolate stick.

223
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,400
Except I get two.
Except you get

224
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two chocolate sticks, because you
are valued customer Robert...

225
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,400
..Kendrick.

226
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,040
There is no scoop of chocolate.
You never mentioned chocolate.

227
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,800
I mentioned chocolate. Pretty sure
you didn't mention chocolate.

228
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,880
Would it be helpful if I wrote
it all down for you?

229
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,480
No, it wouldn't be helpful
if you wrote it all down for me.

230
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:04,920
Do you find me irritating?

231
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,800
Oh, well...
You seem to find irritating.

232
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,360
I don't find you irritating.

233
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:11,800
Perfectly OK if you do find me
irritating. I know I can be.

234
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Not...to...me.

235
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The chocolate goes under
the vanilla.

236
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,960
Are you joking?
How can that be a joke?

237
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,200
It's just a fact.

238
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,720
Alberto calls the chocolate
the soil the house is built on.

239
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,880
Silly me for not knowing
the melba protocol.

240
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,320
I'd better go back to university!

241
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ROBERT WHIMPERS

242
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,520
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, hey,
hey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry.

243
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,840
My fault. It was my fault.

244
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,480
I'm in trouble, aren't I?
No, no, no, no, no.

245
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:43,880
I'll clean it up.

246
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,160
That's my job.

247
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:49,800
And then I'll make another peach
melba, in Alberto's, on a Sunday.

248
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,600
Who killed Alberto?

249
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He was nice.

250
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,880
Why would anyone want to kill him?

251
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,520
Do you know what playing away means?
Alberto was too obese to be

252
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,160
involved with organised sports
so I presume you mean that he was

253
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,480
having sexual intercourse with
another man's wife?

254
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,200
You do know what it means.
Of course.

255
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,840
Mr Ferguson, the deputy manager
at Runcorn House, was repeatedly

256
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,920
being unfaithful to his partner...

257
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,160
..until he developed scrotal
lesions. Back on testicles again,

258
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,840
Robert. If the man's wife was having
sex with Alberto,

259
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,960
then maybe that just means Alberto
was better at sex than the man.

260
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:33,960
Yeah.

261
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,480
Maybe Alberto
was good with his hands.

262
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,920
What's Runcorn House?

263
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,640
It's a placement.

264
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,800
A home?
I don't like calling it that.

265
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,600
It's not the right word.

266
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:45,880
Listen, I've got to go.

267
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,920
I'll give you a lift back
to Runcorn. I leave at 5:42.

268
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,920
Look, I've got to go, mate.
You can't stay here.

269
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,680
I leave at 5:42 every Sunday.

270
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,640
Are you not going to miss your
Christmas dinner?

271
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,000
The only thing I really like is
the Christmas crackers.

272
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,880
I really like the jokes!

273
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,200
What's the wettest animal
in the world?

274
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,320
A RAIN-deer!

275
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,040
Would you get me cross Santa
with a duck?

276
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,640
Christmas QUACK-ers.
CHUCKLES

277
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:14,720
Oh. It's not nice to ruin a joke,
you know. My father always laughed

278
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,920
at my jokes,
even if he'd heard them.

279
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,400
Was it your dad that brought
you here? Yes.

280
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,240
And when was that?
When I was 14.

281
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,680
You've been coming to Alberto's
all that time?

282
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:28,120
Yes. Every Sunday until the day
he broke my arm.

283
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,600
He what?

284
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,640
I was being stupid and not
understanding things,

285
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,120
so he pushed me off my chair.

286
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,040
And quite rightly too.

287
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,600
And in the hospital,
I said I fell from a ladder.

288
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,240
But that's...that's not true,
Robert.

289
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,720
I know you're not supposed to tell
lies, but my father told me

290
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,360
this was an emergency lie.

291
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,640
Otherwise, the police would come
and take me and put me

292
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,200
in a treatment unit.

293
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,320
We carried on having peach melbas
on a Sunday for a while.

294
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,640
Until one day my dad came
and told me

295
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,960
that I had to go into a placement.

296
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,480
Oh. The place with the guy
with the bad balls.

297
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,640
No? No.

298
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,840
Listen,

299
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,480
I'm sorry he left you.

300
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,120
Why?

301
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,560
He'd just started a new job,
so he would be very busy

302
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,720
and be moving around a lot.

303
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:17,240
As soon as he settles,
he's coming to get me.

304
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,280
Right.

305
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,120
Every Sunday, my father knows

306
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,760
I'll be in Alberto's eating
peach melba ice cream.

307
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,160
He might even come today.

308
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,400
He knows I'll be here until 5:42.

309
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,040
Robert?

310
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,080
Do you think maybe
you should forget him?

311
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,600
Why would anyone want to forget
their father?

312
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,720
Maybe some fathers deserve
to be forgotten.

313
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:45,200
Do you not like your father? Why?

314
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,680
I suppose because once
you're a father,

315
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,960
you're not supposed to be selfish.

316
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,400
You know? Once you're a dad,
that comes before everything.

317
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,320
Hmm.

318
00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,600
And because I always wanted a dog,
and now he's bought himself one.

319
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:24,720
ALARM BEEPS

320
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,320
Oh, come on!

321
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,880
No-one told me about this.

322
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,560
No, I'm not doing this.

323
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,520
No.

324
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,640
DOOR LOCKS

325
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,840
HE GROANS

326
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,080
HE KNOCKS

327
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,000
Robert?

328
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,960
Robert! Robert?

329
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,840
Robert, the door's stuck!

330
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,520
Robert? Robert!

331
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,440
PHONE RINGS

332
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.

333
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,880
Robert, thank goodness
you're still there. It's me, Wicky.

334
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,240
Who is this?

335
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,880
It's me. Wicky. The guy who just
made you the peach melba.

336
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,920
Wicky? That's a strange name.

337
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,760
It's a nickname, so... Whatever.

338
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,840
Robert, my real name's Paul. OK?
Paul Wickstead. Right?

339
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:05,800
Now, listen, I'm stuck
in the freezer downstairs.

340
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,640
Is this another Christmas joke?

341
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,200
No, I'm stuck in the freezer, kid.

342
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,560
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't.

343
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,680
Robert, listen, I need you
to come downstairs

344
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,840
and open the freezer door
for me, all right?

345
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,920
But I don't have permission
to cross the red line.

346
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,640
OK, Robert, listen,
you have my permission.

347
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,720
But I need Alberto's permission.

348
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,520
But he's dead. Do you remember?

349
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,440
So I need the police's permission,
like you got.

350
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,840
Alberto always told me,
"Robert, no cross the..."

351
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:34,720
Robert?

352
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,200
Robert?

353
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,000
Are you still there?

354
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,120
I'm sorry.

355
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,920
Alberto was my friend.

356
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:50,160
Alberto always told me
not to cross the red line.

357
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,640
So I must respect his wish
now that he has gone.

358
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,600
RIP, Alberto.

359
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,560
No, no, no, no, no, no. Robert?

360
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,880
Robert? Robert?

361
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:02,960
Robert!

362
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,760
Robert! Robert!

363
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,960
PHONE RINGS

364
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,840
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

365
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:35,640
Good afternoon.

366
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,680
Hey, Robert. You're still there.
It's me again.

367
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,760
I don't like shouting,
so I've made you quieter now.

368
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,760
Yeah, yeah, OK.
I'm sorry about that.

369
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,000
Listen, I am going to need
your help to get out of this freezer

370
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,280
because it really is starting
to live up to its reputation now.

371
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,200
But I don't have permission to cross
the red line, and that is that.

372
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,920
Robert, I'm in trouble here, mate!

373
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,720
Sorry. Robert? Robbie? Roberto?

374
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,320
Robert, please. Yeah. Sorry.

375
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,760
Robert, do you have your own phone?

376
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,320
Yes, I do, but
I don't use it very often.

377
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,200
The phone company keep ringing me
to ask if I want more data,

378
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,320
but I keep telling them
I've quite sufficient data,

379
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:12,720
thank you very much. Robert...

380
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,240
Did you know people in Finland have
unlimited access to data?

381
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,560
I couldn't give a shit.

382
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,400
Sorry. Sorry, Robert. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

383
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,640
Robert...

384
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,000
I don't really care about
tariffs for phones in Finland,

385
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,440
but if you want to talk about it,

386
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,040
we'll talk about it as
much as you like

387
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,640
as soon as I'm out of the freezer.

388
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,800
So, listen, I know
you can't cross the red line

389
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,920
and I don't want you to,
but can you do something for me?

390
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,720
Would you phone 999?

391
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,800
But that is the emergency services.

392
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,640
Yeah, because here's the thing,

393
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,680
the fat man freezing to death
is kind of an emergency.

394
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,520
I need you to call the police.

395
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:46,800
Has a law been broken?

396
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,120
It will be if
I ever get out of here, kid.

397
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,600
Sorry. Sorry.

398
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,440
Call the police.

399
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,320
But they will ask questions.

400
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,520
I'm not allowed to
answer police questions.

401
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,160
Remember? I promised my father.

402
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,640
I am your father!

403
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,120
What? I don't know.

404
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,440
I'm not thinking straight.
Call the police.

405
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,280
But if my father finds out,
he might not come back.

406
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,760
Your father is wrong, OK?

407
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,040
The police are
the right people to ring.

408
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,400
They'll know what to do.

409
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,640
Call the police. My father told me
exactly what would happen.

410
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,280
I would become a fugitive
from justice and have to descend

411
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,240
into the criminal underbelly
in order to procure false papers

412
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,000
but the police would corner me
in a warehouse... What? ..and there

413
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,200
would be a helicopter with
a spotlight, with a man with a

414
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,760
megaphone wearing a blue jacket...
Robert... ..with "police"

415
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,760
on the back. He would tell me I must
remain calm and that I'm surrounded

416
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,720
but there would be a sniper perched
on the roof

417
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,520
of an apartment building... Robert!

418
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,200
Yes?

419
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:45,280
Has it ever occurred to you that
your father might not be come...

420
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,320
Hey, Robert?

421
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,000
Is my phone up there?

422
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,960
PHONE RINGS

423
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,240
Sis. Sis!

424
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,080
Shithead. Have you been round?

425
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,320
No, no, listen.
I've got a real situation here.

426
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:02,920
You've got a situation?

427
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,440
The kid's throwing up
all over Nigel's mum's rug

428
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,720
and its dad is sitting in the car
listening to true crime podcasts

429
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,040
and drinking Babycham.

430
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,560
Listen. I need you.
I'm not asking for much, Wicky.

431
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,320
I just want you to
swallow your pride this year.

432
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,760
Who prioritises a horse raffle
over their own family?

433
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,040
It's got nothing to do
with a horse raffle. Listen...

434
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,520
Oh, God, the bloody kid's
throwing up Haribos again.

435
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,280
Step away from the bloody rug!

436
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,480
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.

437
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,680
Sis! I sometimes think
that you got it right, you know,

438
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,160
never marrying. Sis! Go and see Dad.

439
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,800
If you don't want to do that,
write him a letter or something.

440
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,640
Sis! Put him out of his misery.
You owe him that at least.

441
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,200
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.

442
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,080
DISCONNECT TONE
Sis!

443
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,280
Thank you.

444
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,040
PHONE RINGS

445
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,800
Robert Kendrick?

446
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,880
I thought it might be you.

447
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,040
That's what it says
on the front of this letter.

448
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,280
Robert Kendrick.

449
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,960
I don't understand.

450
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:41,600
I found a letter.

451
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,480
On the front, it says, "To Robert
Kendrick, from his father."

452
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,600
A letter from my father? But how?

453
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:54,360
I don't know. I guess maybe
he gave it to Alberto to look after

454
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,280
and during the fight maybe it fell
out of his pocket or something.

455
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,680
Something like that.

456
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,520
What does the letter say?

457
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,280
I don't have permission to open it.

458
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,960
Opening other people's mail is...
It's a criminal offence.

459
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,800
And I don't have permission, Robert.

460
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,640
You have my permission.

461
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,320
Hmm. That's not good enough, I'm
afraid. I need written permission

462
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:13,920
or the judge would throw
the book at me.

463
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,640
Then I'd get into a shoot-out
with the police, Robert, you know?

464
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,760
What book would the judge throw?

465
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,600
The Bible.

466
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,800
MUSIC: Carol of the Bells

467
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,400
Please. Please. Please.

468
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,840
One...

469
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,200
..two...

470
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,720
..three...

471
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,400
..four...

472
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,400
..five...

473
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:47,720
..six...

474
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,200
Hello, Robert Kendrick.

475
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:06,720
You lied to me.

476
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:09,640
There's no letter.

477
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,760
Oh, no! What did I do
with that letter?

478
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:15,360
You're a liar.

479
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:19,400
No. I just must have
dropped it down there.

480
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:20,600
I'll get it.

481
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,320
There.

482
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,640
Uh... I thought I might
read it for you, if you...

483
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,760
"Dear Robert, this is your father."

484
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,160
Oh, it is him.

485
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,480
"I wanted to write this letter
to tell you how proud I am of you.

486
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,280
"I'll bet that you've come
for ice cream every single Sunday

487
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,360
"since we said goodbye."

488
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,560
He remembers.

489
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:06,600
"You're reliable, Robert.
And that will always help you.

490
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:11,360
"I hope you understand that
sometimes it's hard being a parent.

491
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:14,520
"I know I promised
I would come back, but sometimes

492
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:18,480
"life gets in the way, and
it breaks your promises for you.

493
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:22,800
"I want you to know that
life is full of possibilities.

494
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,560
"Go off and enjoy yours

495
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,040
"and know that, even
though my work has kept us apart,

496
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:29,800
"I am always thinking about you.

497
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,560
"By the way, I found out
that I'm lactose intolerant,

498
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,640
"which is another reason why
I can never return to Alberto's.

499
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,400
"Ice cream brings me out in a rash.

500
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,240
"Maybe that's why I was
so angry in the past." Ah.

501
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:49,640
"Take care, with love, your father."

502
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,840
Well, that was lovely.

503
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:55,440
That last bit seemed a bit rushed
but it's, it's lovely.

504
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,440
Yes, I liked it.

505
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:01,560
May I see it? Hmm?

506
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,560
The letter? May I see it?

507
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,280
If you want to.

508
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:09,000
I do. It's your letter. If you
want to see it, you can see it.

509
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,120
I think when you're emotional,
it can affect your handwriting.

510
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:29,920
It's a nice letter.

511
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,280
It is a nice letter.

512
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:39,920
Thank you, Wicky.

513
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,400
But he's not coming back, is he?

514
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:47,160
I don't think so, Robert.

515
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,240
So, what are your Christmas plans?

516
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,160
Between now and 5:42, I mean.

517
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,360
KNOCKING

518
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:09,800
Son.

519
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,560
Dad.

520
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:14,440
I've, um... I brought a new friend.

521
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,680
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.

522
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,200
Hello, Robert.

523
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,320
I've got a new friend as well.

524
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,200
I can't believe you bought a dog.

525
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,640
You always wanted one, didn't you?

526
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,280
You remembered.

527
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:37,560
CHRISTMAS MUSIC SWELLS

528
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:43,080
No. Your sister's only
just told me.

529
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,720
Better watch him,
he's a piss machine.

530
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,360
Where are you going?

531
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:51,640
Lock-in at the pub.

532
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,560
There's a horse up for grabs
in Weasel's raffle.

533
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,440
You should have got a ticket.

534
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,280
Bring the dog back Boxing Day.

535
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:04,400
Wicky, maybe you should forget him.

536
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,840
There we are. Thanks.

537
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,480
Cracker? Yeah.

538
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,520
Hey! Hey, I win!

539
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:12,920
Nail clipper. A nail clipper.

540
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,560
What's the joke? What's the joke?

541
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,600
What do reindeers hang
on their Christmas trees?

542
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:17,920
Dunno.

543
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,480
ROBERT LAUGHS

544
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,040
I don't know, Robert!

545
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:24,720
Robert, what's the punchline?

546
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,840
ROBERT CARRIES ON LAUGHING