1 00:00:04,251 --> 00:00:06,552 Fast will be ready in a minute. Hi. 2 00:00:07,370 --> 00:00:09,005 Aaaaaaaaah! 3 00:00:09,006 --> 00:00:11,224 My ha-a-a-nd! 4 00:00:11,225 --> 00:00:13,759 Aaaaaaaaaaah! 5 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,111 Very funny, mom. 6 00:00:15,112 --> 00:00:16,646 I know it's Halloween. 7 00:00:16,647 --> 00:00:18,064 Nice fake hand. 8 00:00:18,065 --> 00:00:19,232 Phil: Aaaah! Aaaah! 9 00:00:19,233 --> 00:00:21,150 Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! 10 00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,852 Ha ha ha! Ha ha! 11 00:00:22,853 --> 00:00:25,321 We love Halloween. 12 00:00:25,322 --> 00:00:26,589 Especially claire. 13 00:00:26,590 --> 00:00:28,691 It's my favorite holiday. 14 00:00:28,692 --> 00:00:31,027 Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary things. 15 00:00:31,028 --> 00:00:33,162 If there was a new horror movie in town, 16 00:00:33,163 --> 00:00:35,164 I was the first in line. 17 00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:36,899 "one, please." [ chuckles ] 18 00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:38,467 Then I met phil. 19 00:00:38,468 --> 00:00:40,036 "two, please." 20 00:00:48,845 --> 00:00:51,747 - 00:03:09,652 That's what I said. 94 00:03:09,653 --> 00:03:11,187 Listen, did you ever do anything 95 00:03:11,188 --> 00:03:13,122 About costumes for claire's thing tonight? 96 00:03:13,123 --> 00:03:15,057 I'm going to pick them up this afternoon. 97 00:03:15,058 --> 00:03:16,609 You're going to be a "gargle," 98 00:03:16,610 --> 00:03:18,594 And I'm gonna be an evil village bruja. 99 00:03:18,595 --> 00:03:20,296 I know less now than I did before I asked. 100 00:03:20,297 --> 00:03:23,632 Hmm. A bruja is a witch, and a gargle is a gargle. 101 00:03:23,633 --> 00:03:24,850 She means "gargoyle." 102 00:03:24,851 --> 00:03:26,268 That's what I said. 103 00:03:26,269 --> 00:03:27,903 Jay: As long as you got it covered. 104 00:03:27,904 --> 00:03:29,472 Because if claire doesn't get her Halloween, 105 00:03:29,473 --> 00:03:32,391 She turns into a real "rhymes with 'bruja.'" 106 00:03:32,392 --> 00:03:35,027 Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm the only one. 107 00:03:35,028 --> 00:03:36,829 Ohh. 108 00:03:36,830 --> 00:03:39,281 Dale: At lunch, I'll let you wear my fangs. 109 00:03:39,282 --> 00:03:40,449 Lance: Yeah? 110 00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:42,585 Yeah, yeah, yeah! Whoo! 111 00:03:42,586 --> 00:03:44,003 Look at those tools. 112 00:03:44,004 --> 00:03:46,689 Every year. What a couple of douches. 113 00:03:46,690 --> 00:03:48,425 Ohh. Oh, no. 114 00:03:49,375 --> 00:03:50,676 Hello? 115 00:03:50,677 --> 00:03:52,828 There are exactly three people in costume here - 116 00:03:52,829 --> 00:03:54,563 A tool, a douche, and me. 117 00:03:54,564 --> 00:03:56,865 And I don't have time to go home and change and - 118 00:03:56,866 --> 00:03:58,300 Calm down. 119 00:03:58,301 --> 00:04:00,018 Did you bring in the dry-cleaning from last night? 120 00:04:00,019 --> 00:04:02,037 Are you really getting on me about the dry-cleaning wh- 121 00:04:02,038 --> 00:04:03,738 Oh. I have suits in the trunk. 122 00:04:03,739 --> 00:04:06,608 Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures today'crazy. 123 00:04:06,609 --> 00:04:09,478 Yes. Thank you! Thank you. 124 00:04:09,479 --> 00:04:10,629 Okay. 125 00:04:12,448 --> 00:04:14,216 Charlie: Oh, there you are. Hey, charlie. 126 00:04:14,217 --> 00:04:16,451 Hey, I need you in the lampkin meeting. If I could just maybe have - 127 00:04:16,452 --> 00:04:17,719 Five minutes. O-kay. 128 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,855 Okay, hey. First legal question. Yeah? 129 00:04:19,856 --> 00:04:21,406 Can I fire those idiots for no reason? 130 00:04:21,407 --> 00:04:23,842 [ chuckles ] oh, my gosh. 131 00:04:23,843 --> 00:04:25,677 Those are some major guns you got there. 132 00:04:25,678 --> 00:04:26,929 Eh, yeah. 133 00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:28,964 [ rubber squeaking ] 134 00:04:32,952 --> 00:04:35,504 Why won't this... 135 00:04:36,372 --> 00:04:38,056 [ footsteps ] hey, jerry. 136 00:04:38,057 --> 00:04:40,608 Hey, phil. Looking good. 137 00:04:40,609 --> 00:04:43,611 Thanks. Wait till you see what we got planned for tonight. 138 00:04:43,612 --> 00:04:46,131 Claire and I are going as corpse bride and groom. 139 00:04:46,132 --> 00:04:48,916 As if there's any other kind, am I right? [ chuckles ] 140 00:04:48,917 --> 00:04:51,019 I'm saying marriage kills you. Judy left me. 141 00:04:51,020 --> 00:04:52,787 Oh, my god. 142 00:04:52,788 --> 00:04:54,522 I am so sorry. 143 00:04:54,523 --> 00:04:55,657 When someone your age dies, 144 00:04:55,658 --> 00:04:57,325 What's the first thing you want to know? 145 00:04:57,326 --> 00:04:58,760 "died of what?" right? 146 00:04:58,761 --> 00:05:00,228 You want to hear it was something 147 00:05:00,229 --> 00:05:01,429 That could never happen to you. 148 00:05:01,430 --> 00:05:02,864 Well, it's the same with divorce. 149 00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:06,334 Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical abuse. 150 00:05:06,335 --> 00:05:08,870 No problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, 151 00:05:08,871 --> 00:05:10,738 And claire only sleep-hits me. 152 00:05:10,739 --> 00:05:13,708 Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue. 153 00:05:13,709 --> 00:05:15,510 I was totally blindsided. 154 00:05:15,511 --> 00:05:17,812 I guess somewhere along the way 155 00:05:17,813 --> 00:05:19,647 She stopped finding me delightful. 156 00:05:19,648 --> 00:05:21,516 Well, that's - that's coconuts. 157 00:05:21,517 --> 00:05:22,884 You're super delightful. 158 00:05:22,885 --> 00:05:24,352 Not to judy. 159 00:05:24,353 --> 00:05:26,721 She used to laugh at everything I had to say, 160 00:05:26,722 --> 00:05:29,657 But now I can't even remember what her laugh sounds like. 161 00:05:29,658 --> 00:05:31,259 Claire can do it. It's uncan- 162 00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:32,427 [ sighs ] 163 00:05:32,428 --> 00:05:34,696 I should go back inside. 164 00:05:34,697 --> 00:05:36,564 I have a dish to wash. 165 00:05:36,565 --> 00:05:38,032 Okay, but, hey... 166 00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:41,019 Jerry, if you need anything, all right? 167 00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:43,688 I'm your rock. [ maniacal scream ] 168 00:05:47,158 --> 00:05:49,827 You are not gonna believe this. 169 00:05:49,828 --> 00:05:51,011 Judy just left jerry. 170 00:05:51,012 --> 00:05:53,547 Oh, yeah. She was so unhappy. 171 00:05:53,548 --> 00:05:54,765 How's he doing? 172 00:05:54,766 --> 00:05:57,034 He's not taking it as well as you are. 173 00:05:57,035 --> 00:05:59,453 Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I don't mean to be insensitive. 174 00:05:59,454 --> 00:06:01,055 I've just got a lot to get done. 175 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:04,157 I don't find you insensitive. I find you delightful. 176 00:06:04,158 --> 00:06:05,509 Do you find me delightful? 177 00:06:05,510 --> 00:06:07,011 Oh, god, I just remembered! 178 00:06:07,012 --> 00:06:09,096 Jerry's supposed to be our porch scarecrow. 179 00:06:09,097 --> 00:06:10,898 Can you ask him if he'll still do it? 180 00:06:10,899 --> 00:06:12,816 He's kind of a mess right now. 181 00:06:12,817 --> 00:06:15,953 Yeah, but it might make him feel better be around people. 182 00:06:15,954 --> 00:06:17,454 I'll try... 183 00:06:17,455 --> 00:06:20,157 But his whole world just turned upside down. 184 00:06:20,158 --> 00:06:21,575 Can you imagine? 185 00:06:21,576 --> 00:06:23,377 One minute, you're happily married, 186 00:06:23,378 --> 00:06:26,380 The next minute, you're completely by yourself. 187 00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:35,568 I don't need excuses. I need this lawsuit to go away. 188 00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,587 Now, who's responsible for the keith deposition? 189 00:06:37,588 --> 00:06:39,505 Dale: [ mushy voice ] uh, well, I was, "shir." 190 00:06:39,506 --> 00:06:41,173 But, uh, in my defense, I "wash" told - 191 00:06:41,174 --> 00:06:44,644 Take those stupid fangs out, dale. 192 00:06:44,645 --> 00:06:46,812 For starters, it's daytime. 193 00:06:46,813 --> 00:06:48,281 Vampires sleep during the day... 194 00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:50,099 Which you may soon have plenty of time for. 195 00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:52,652 [ normal voice ] I'm sorry, but I was told that we didn't need keith. 196 00:06:52,653 --> 00:06:54,003 Who told you that? 197 00:06:54,004 --> 00:06:55,288 [ rubber squeaking ] 198 00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:58,107 I-I-I may have. I may have done that, sir. 199 00:06:58,108 --> 00:06:59,692 Well, that's disappointing. 200 00:06:59,693 --> 00:07:01,494 But at least mitchell's new here. 201 00:07:01,495 --> 00:07:02,728 Twilight, you're not. 202 00:07:02,729 --> 00:07:05,181 So get it done. Meeting adjourned. 203 00:07:05,182 --> 00:07:07,350 Cl's waiting for us in my office. We're already late. 204 00:07:07,351 --> 00:07:09,035 Ohh. Let's roll. 205 00:07:09,036 --> 00:07:11,103 Ah, you've really been hitting the gym. Yeah. 206 00:07:11,104 --> 00:07:12,371 [ rubber squeaking ] 207 00:07:12,372 --> 00:07:13,823 What the hell is that noise? 208 00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:15,841 Every time I tried to get out of that costume, 209 00:07:15,842 --> 00:07:17,510 I got dragged into another meeting. 210 00:07:17,511 --> 00:07:20,780 It was the worst Halloween ever. 211 00:07:20,781 --> 00:07:23,683 Really, mitchell? The worst Halloween ever? 212 00:07:23,684 --> 00:07:25,151 You had squeaky thighs. 213 00:07:25,152 --> 00:07:27,119 [ voice breaking ] I lost a childhood. 214 00:07:27,953 --> 00:07:30,305 [ door closes ] jay! This came for you. 215 00:07:30,306 --> 00:07:32,524 Oh. Hi, y. What is it? 216 00:07:32,525 --> 00:07:34,309 I called your secretary and told her 217 00:07:34,310 --> 00:07:35,560 To order you some crackers 218 00:07:35,561 --> 00:07:37,195 And those cheeses that you like - 219 00:07:37,196 --> 00:07:38,714 The tiny, little ones. 220 00:07:38,715 --> 00:07:41,566 Thanks. Did you pick up my "gargle" costume, too? 221 00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,668 Are you making fun of me? No. 222 00:07:43,669 --> 00:07:46,037 First, manny correcting me. And now you? 223 00:07:46,038 --> 00:07:48,006 If I have a problem, I want to know, jay. 224 00:07:48,007 --> 00:07:50,292 Honey, look, english is your secondanguage. 225 00:07:50,293 --> 00:07:51,493 You're doing great. 226 00:07:51,494 --> 00:07:54,846 Yeah, you're not helping by protecting my feelings. 227 00:07:54,847 --> 00:07:57,215 I want you to be honest with me. 228 00:07:57,216 --> 00:07:59,885 Okay, well, I may have noticed some tiny, little mistakes 229 00:07:59,886 --> 00:08:01,586 You might want to te a look at. 230 00:08:01,587 --> 00:08:04,172 Like what? Just little mispronunciations. Like, for example - 231 00:08:04,173 --> 00:08:06,625 Last night, you said, "we live in a doggy-dog world." 232 00:08:06,626 --> 00:08:09,411 So? Well, it's "dog-eat-dog world." 233 00:08:09,412 --> 00:08:11,246 Yeah, but... [chuckles] 234 00:08:11,247 --> 00:08:12,714 That doesn't make any sense. 235 00:08:12,715 --> 00:08:16,017 Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat each other? 236 00:08:16,018 --> 00:08:18,153 A doggy-dog world is a beautiful world 237 00:08:18,154 --> 00:08:20,271 Full of little puppies! 238 00:08:20,272 --> 00:08:22,207 [ sighs ] what else do I say wrong? 239 00:08:23,309 --> 00:08:25,277 Well, it's not "blessings in the skies." 240 00:08:25,278 --> 00:08:27,579 It's "blessings in disguise." 241 00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:29,214 What else? 242 00:08:29,215 --> 00:08:31,049 "carpal tunnel syndrome" 243 00:08:31,050 --> 00:08:32,851 Is not "carpool tunnel syndrome." 244 00:08:32,852 --> 00:08:34,386 And what else? 245 00:08:35,655 --> 00:08:37,022 It's not "volumptuous." 246 00:08:37,023 --> 00:08:40,192 Okay, enough. I know that I have an accent. 247 00:08:40,193 --> 00:08:41,910 But people understand me just fine! 248 00:08:41,911 --> 00:08:43,795 What the hell is this? 249 00:08:43,796 --> 00:08:45,847 I told you, jay - I called your secretary 250 00:08:57,776 --> 00:08:59,360 Oh, yeah, can you tell claire 251 00:08:59,361 --> 00:09:01,745 That I'm not really up for being the scarecrow? 252 00:09:01,746 --> 00:09:03,614 Judy and I used to love Halloween. 253 00:09:03,615 --> 00:09:05,166 It's her favorite holiday. 254 00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:06,517 Huh. You know? 255 00:09:06,518 --> 00:09:08,302 Gosh, I hate to think of you sitting in there alone, 256 00:09:08,303 --> 00:09:09,653 Running through all this in your head. 257 00:09:09,654 --> 00:09:11,188 What could you have done differently? 258 00:09:11,189 --> 00:09:13,624 What could you have done differently? 259 00:09:13,625 --> 00:09:15,459 It's actually a little hard for me to talk about. 260 00:09:15,460 --> 00:09:17,361 Don't push me away. I'm not judy. 261 00:09:17,362 --> 00:09:18,729 [ sighs ] 262 00:09:18,730 --> 00:09:20,664 I could've been more spontaneous. Uh-huh. 263 00:09:20,665 --> 00:09:23,901 I-I-I could've tried to have been more fun and sexy 264 00:09:23,902 --> 00:09:25,569 Like I was in the old days. 265 00:09:25,570 --> 00:09:27,655 Spontaneous and sexy. I got it. Yep. 266 00:09:27,656 --> 00:09:29,540 And remember, I'm here for you, okay? 267 00:09:29,541 --> 00:09:31,759 [ maniacal scream ] ohh! Son of a... 268 00:09:33,261 --> 00:09:34,545 [ footsteps approach ] 269 00:09:35,579 --> 00:09:36,879 What the hell is that?! 270 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,182 What? You told me to put on an old costume. 271 00:09:39,183 --> 00:09:40,617 Not from when you were 8. 272 00:09:40,618 --> 00:09:42,919 Are you trying to get candy or japanese businessmen? 273 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,270 Change it. Go. 274 00:09:44,271 --> 00:09:46,306 [ door opens ] 275 00:09:46,307 --> 00:09:49,692 Jerry is a no-go on the crow. 276 00:09:49,693 --> 00:09:51,427 You've been over there this whole time? 277 00:09:51,428 --> 00:09:52,896 Yeah, he was venting. I couldn't break free. 278 00:09:52,897 --> 00:09:53,996 God... 279 00:09:53,997 --> 00:09:55,281 You are sexy. 280 00:09:55,282 --> 00:09:56,533 Honey... 281 00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:58,968 Not so fast. I don't thinkwe're. 282 00:09:58,969 --> 00:10:00,086 It's okay. I need to get down. 283 00:10:00,087 --> 00:10:02,222 Oh, we can get down. We can get way down. 284 00:10:02,223 --> 00:10:03,423 Oh, god! 285 00:10:03,424 --> 00:10:04,724 Phil! 286 00:10:04,725 --> 00:10:07,176 [ rubber squeaking ] 287 00:10:11,582 --> 00:10:14,300 [ squeaking continues ] 288 00:10:17,287 --> 00:10:20,322 No! No, no, no, no, no! No! 289 00:10:20,323 --> 00:10:22,124 [ whimpering ] 290 00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:25,044 Okay. 291 00:10:25,045 --> 00:10:27,446 [ air dryer whirring ] 292 00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:33,069 [ lock clicks ] oh, no. 293 00:10:33,070 --> 00:10:34,369 [ breathing heavily ] 294 00:10:34,370 --> 00:10:36,338 [ whimpering ] 295 00:10:49,519 --> 00:10:53,956 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. 296 00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:57,092 Okay. Focus, mitchell. Focus. Focus. 297 00:10:57,093 --> 00:10:59,328 [ telephone rings ] 298 00:10:59,329 --> 00:11:00,595 [ beep ] hello? 299 00:11:00,596 --> 00:11:02,230 I'm trapped in a men's room, 300 00:11:02,231 --> 00:11:04,132 And all I have on is the spider-man suit. 301 00:11:04,133 --> 00:11:05,884 Hot. Who is this? 302 00:11:05,885 --> 00:11:07,069 Somebody took my shirt, and all the st 303 00:11:07,070 --> 00:11:08,403 Of my clothes are all "toilety." 304 00:11:08,404 --> 00:11:09,571 I'm screwed. 305 00:11:09,572 --> 00:11:11,473 Why don't you just tell charlie the truth? 306 00:11:11,474 --> 00:11:13,208 I can't. I already messed up once today. 307 00:11:13,209 --> 00:11:14,509 And I can't risk it. 308 00:11:14,510 --> 00:11:16,061 I-I have another suit in my trunk, 309 00:11:16,062 --> 00:11:17,212 But I can't get to the car 310 00:11:17,213 --> 00:11:18,780 Without goin through the office. 311 00:11:18,781 --> 00:11:19,881 You know what's ironic? 312 00:11:19,882 --> 00:11:21,366 Who could really help you right now 313 00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:23,118 Is spider-man. 314 00:11:23,119 --> 00:11:25,354 [ breathes deeply ] 315 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:29,624 He's here. 316 00:11:36,482 --> 00:11:37,733 [ thud ] 317 00:11:37,734 --> 00:11:39,117 Ugh! [ leaves rustle ] 318 00:11:39,118 --> 00:11:41,586 Ooh! 319 00:11:45,675 --> 00:11:48,710 Okay. Okay. Okay. 320 00:11:48,711 --> 00:11:49,928 No. 321 00:11:49,929 --> 00:11:51,146 No, no, no, no, no, no. 322 00:11:51,147 --> 00:11:53,015 [ car alarm beeping ] no, no, no. 323 00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:56,051 [ car alarbeeping ] um, o-okay. Okay. 324 00:11:56,052 --> 00:12:01,690 [ beeping continues ] 325 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,467 Monster, do my bidding! 326 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:18,536 I do as you command, master. 327 00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:20,005 Claire: So cute. Okay. Mom. 328 00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:21,940 You cannot have a problem with this. 329 00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,541 I'm mother teresa. 330 00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:24,459 Are you kidding me? 331 00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:27,112 What? I'm her back when she was hot. 332 00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:30,215 I will pay you $10 to go put on more clothes. 333 00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:30,949 Bet it's the first time you ever heard that one. 334 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,285 Okay. You know what? Here. Here we go. 335 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:35,704 Here you go. Let's just cover you up. 336 00:12:35,705 --> 00:12:37,505 All right, now, I just want to run throh this 337 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,541 Really quick with everybody. [ clears throat ] 338 00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:41,309 Um, first, it's "trick or treat?" 339 00:12:41,310 --> 00:12:42,494 And then, phil... 340 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,496 "come in if you dare." right, and then dad does 341 00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:47,299 The thunder and the lightning and the fog. 342 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,417 Usher the children in past alex her cage. 343 00:12:49,418 --> 00:12:50,568 I'm in a cage? Yes! 344 00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,020 You're in a house of horrors 345 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,605 Being held against your will. 346 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,740 I know sohy do we need the cage? 347 00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:57,776 And then gloria pops up 348 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,478 As the evil village bruja, and she says - 349 00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:02,414 [ imitating gloria ] "welcome to your nightmare. 350 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:03,648 Ah ha ha ha ha!" 351 00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:05,834 [ normal voice ] and the cam and haley do their thing. 352 00:13:05,835 --> 00:13:07,602 Kids get their candy. They are ushered out. 353 00:13:07,603 --> 00:13:09,587 They think it's all over, but it's not! 354 00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,223 Because out on theorch, the scarecrow pops to life - 355 00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:14,492 Wow! - For one final "aah!" [ laughs ] 356 00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:16,077 And that's - mitchell, you're the srecrow! 357 00:13:16,078 --> 00:13:17,228 Oh, no, no. 358 00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:19,030 I was in a costume all day. It was awful. 359 00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:20,732 It's nothing compared to when I was - 360 00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,301 You don't own bad halloweens. Don't I? 361 00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,602 Okay. We get it, cam. Hard day. 362 00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:26,354 Mitchell, please. The costume's in the kitchen. 363 00:13:26,355 --> 00:13:28,073 Come on. Ohh. 364 00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,291 [ giggles ] uh, claire, claire. 365 00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,809 Before you go, I just want you to know... 366 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,093 Okay. The wig. That - that's - 367 00:13:32,094 --> 00:13:33,728 ...I love you more now than I ev - that's nice. 368 00:13:34,598 --> 00:13:35,747 You're my best friend! 369 00:13:37,489 --> 00:13:38,599 Jay: Hey, guys. Hey. 370 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,018 Wow. God, you guys look great. 371 00:13:41,019 --> 00:13:43,421 [ over enunciating ] thank you, phil. I try my best. 372 00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:45,606 You look very dead-like. 373 00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,224 Gloria, stop it. I said I was sorry. 374 00:13:47,225 --> 00:13:48,659 Oh, no, no, jay. 375 00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:52,163 For now on, I only speak in proper american 376 00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:55,166 So I don't embarrass you. 377 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,134 Did she just get back from the dentist? 378 00:13:57,135 --> 00:13:58,936 She's mad at me because I told her 379 00:13:58,937 --> 00:14:00,905 Sometimes people can't understand her. 380 00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,440 Make it right, jay. 381 00:14:02,441 --> 00:14:04,141 We're all just hanging by a thread. 382 00:14:04,776 --> 00:14:07,444 Hey! Dad! Oh, you look great! 383 00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:09,046 Oh, good. Okay, gloria's in position. 384 00:14:09,047 --> 00:14:10,931 Hi, gloria. There you go. Right back here. 385 00:14:10,932 --> 00:14:13,350 Claire, I don't know that I'm - I'm feeling up to this. 386 00:14:13,351 --> 00:14:14,684 Why, cam? Why? 387 00:14:14,685 --> 00:14:16,420 What happened that is so awful 388 00:14:16,421 --> 00:14:18,422 You simultaneously can't speak of it 389 00:14:18,423 --> 00:14:20,424 And yet can't stop talking about it? 390 00:14:20,425 --> 00:14:21,792 I can't. It's too emotional. 391 00:14:21,793 --> 00:14:22,826 Okay. Some other time. 392 00:14:22,827 --> 00:14:24,060 I was 10. Oh, god. 393 00:14:24,061 --> 00:14:25,412 Dressed as quasimodo on a front porch 394 00:14:25,413 --> 00:14:28,265 With my best friend, timmy reglar, a ghostbuster. 395 00:14:28,266 --> 00:14:30,617 There was a bucket of candy with a sign. 396 00:14:30,618 --> 00:14:32,135 It said "take one." one. 397 00:14:32,136 --> 00:14:34,037 Timmy took the entire bucket and put it in his bag. 398 00:14:34,038 --> 00:14:36,139 Mm. Timmy didn't play by the rules. 399 00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:38,325 It's what I liked and feared about him. Oh. 400 00:14:38,976 --> 00:14:41,194 Then the bag broke as a crowd of kids 401 00:14:41,195 --> 00:14:43,513 Rounded the corner, saw the pile of cand 402 00:14:43,514 --> 00:14:45,248 Timmy said, "cam d it!" 403 00:14:45,249 --> 00:14:47,934 Children: Trick or treat? Oh, good. 404 00:14:47,935 --> 00:14:49,052 Aren't you glad yogot that out? 405 00:14:49,053 --> 00:14:50,687 Okay, everybody, our first victims! 406 00:14:50,688 --> 00:14:53,055 This is not a rehearsal. You ready? You ready? 407 00:14:53,056 --> 00:14:54,824 Yes. Yes. Okay. 408 00:14:54,825 --> 00:14:58,461 [ distorted voice ] come in...If you dare. 409 00:14:59,563 --> 00:15:00,914 Dad. 410 00:15:00,915 --> 00:15:03,183 Huh? Oh. L-let me see. 411 00:15:03,184 --> 00:15:06,135 Thank you for joining us on our sp- 412 00:15:06,136 --> 00:15:08,037 No, no, no. First the thunder and the lightning! 413 00:15:08,038 --> 00:15:09,172 Yeah, right. I got it. 414 00:15:09,173 --> 00:15:10,640 [ hissing ] perfect. 415 00:15:10,641 --> 00:15:13,109 Thank you for joining us... 416 00:15:13,110 --> 00:15:15,511 On our special night. 417 00:15:16,146 --> 00:15:19,565 Other children haven't fared so well. 418 00:15:19,566 --> 00:15:23,118 Welcome to your nightmare. Ha ha ha ha! 419 00:15:23,119 --> 00:15:25,741 What the hell is that? 420 00:15:25,742 --> 00:15:27,616 Can, uh - can we just get our candy? 421 00:16:46,867 --> 00:16:50,903 But with all the fog, you may not be able to see... 422 00:16:50,904 --> 00:16:52,155 "ahead." 423 00:16:52,156 --> 00:16:53,723 And everyone was screaming! 424 00:16:53,724 --> 00:16:55,257 "that's him! Get quasimodo!" 425 00:16:55,258 --> 00:16:57,660 And then the townspeople started chasing me! 426 00:16:57,661 --> 00:16:59,295 And that's when I wet my pants! 427 00:16:59,296 --> 00:17:01,898 [ crying ] I wet my pants! I wet my pants. 428 00:17:01,899 --> 00:17:03,383 [ thunder crashes ] 429 00:17:03,384 --> 00:17:06,369 This place is weird. Let's go. 430 00:17:06,370 --> 00:17:08,471 [ thump ] mother of god. 431 00:17:08,472 --> 00:17:11,173 Ohh! Son of a... 432 00:17:11,174 --> 00:17:13,142 What is wrong with everyone?! 433 00:17:13,143 --> 00:17:14,961 Cam, "townspeople"? Really? 434 00:17:14,962 --> 00:17:16,379 I lived on a farm. They lived in town. 435 00:17:16,380 --> 00:17:18,064 They were the townspeople. 436 00:17:18,065 --> 00:17:19,232 And, dad! Dad! 437 00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:22,318 It goes - lightning, thunder, fog cue! 438 00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:24,954 This whole thing is a colossal fog cue. 439 00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:27,723 Gloria: Claire just doesn't understand, cam. 440 00:17:27,724 --> 00:17:31,660 Maybe she's never been picked on for being different. 441 00:17:31,661 --> 00:17:32,845 Claire: When, gloria? 442 00:17:32,846 --> 00:17:34,764 When have you ever been picked on 443 00:17:34,765 --> 00:17:36,816 For "being different"? 444 00:17:36,817 --> 00:17:39,102 Ask the "gargle." 445 00:17:39,103 --> 00:17:41,788 [ whispering ] what did she say? 446 00:17:42,439 --> 00:17:43,539 Gloria! 447 00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:45,791 Luke: I think she went insane. 448 00:17:45,792 --> 00:17:48,594 She's not insane. She's my mother. 449 00:17:48,595 --> 00:17:50,479 I'm your mother now! 450 00:17:51,313 --> 00:17:53,081 Gloria... 451 00:17:53,082 --> 00:17:55,183 I want to tell you a story... 452 00:17:55,184 --> 00:17:57,385 About a guy eating in a diner, alone. 453 00:17:57,386 --> 00:17:59,487 Behind him he hears a woman talking. 454 00:17:59,488 --> 00:18:02,023 He doesn't turn around - 5 minutes, 10 minutes. 455 00:18:02,024 --> 00:18:05,193 Just listening to the woman, the life in her voice. 456 00:18:05,194 --> 00:18:06,794 And before he even sees her 457 00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:09,464 He realizes he's fallen in love. 458 00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:12,534 Now, I'll give you a guess who that guy is. 459 00:18:14,770 --> 00:18:16,488 Mitchell: Aw, my dad was - 460 00:18:16,489 --> 00:18:18,640 Aah! Ohh! Oh, my god! 461 00:18:18,641 --> 00:18:20,108 You know what? I'm just gonna go. 462 00:18:20,109 --> 00:18:21,659 No. Come on, cam. 463 00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:23,511 Alex: Uh, if uncle cam is leaving, 464 00:18:23,512 --> 00:18:24,929 I'm just gonna go upstairs and study. 465 00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:26,764 Yeah, I have a party to go to, so... 466 00:18:26,765 --> 00:18:28,967 Mitchell: Ohh! She punched me in the face! 467 00:18:28,968 --> 00:18:31,069 [ normal voice ] he came out of nowhere, and he scared 468 00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:32,370 The baby "cheeses" out of me! 469 00:18:32,371 --> 00:18:34,655 Hey, you're talking normal again. 470 00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,125 Oh, I loved the story about the old man. 471 00:18:37,126 --> 00:18:38,459 Well, nobody said "old." 472 00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:40,078 Oh, cam, can we please just go? Cam: Yes. 473 00:18:40,079 --> 00:18:41,562 Yeah, go, please. I don't care. 474 00:18:41,563 --> 00:18:42,714 Oh. Claire. 475 00:18:42,715 --> 00:18:43,965 No, no. 476 00:18:43,966 --> 00:18:46,768 I'm done. I'm done. 477 00:18:48,270 --> 00:18:51,072 I'm not done. So not done. Look, here's the thing. 478 00:18:51,073 --> 00:18:53,791 We - we have reworks at christmas now 479 00:18:53,792 --> 00:18:56,244 Because that's what they do in colombia, and I don't mind. 480 00:18:56,245 --> 00:18:58,179 Thanksgiving - that used to be me roasting a turkey, 481 00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,547 Until the gays took it over 482 00:18:59,548 --> 00:19:01,332 With whatever new turkey-cooking craze it is 483 00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:02,750 That you saw on the food network, 484 00:19:04,586 --> 00:19:07,855 All I ask - all I ask is that you leave me Halloween. 485 00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,023 Yeah, Halloween. 486 00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:11,259 I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday 487 00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:12,844 For a grown woman to care about this much, 488 00:19:12,845 --> 00:19:15,597 But it is my crazy-ass holiday. 489 00:19:15,598 --> 00:19:17,932 Mine. 490 00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:26,174 That's a lot of complaining from somebody 491 00:19:26,175 --> 00:19:30,144 Who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year. 492 00:19:30,145 --> 00:19:32,247 Phil: Claire. 493 00:19:32,248 --> 00:19:34,299 No! No! Not ready to talk! 494 00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,484 No. [ clears throat ] 495 00:19:36,485 --> 00:19:39,037 Listen... 496 00:19:39,038 --> 00:19:40,955 I know I haven't been much help today. 497 00:19:41,790 --> 00:19:43,723 That - that whole jerry and judy thing, 498 00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,175 It really hit me hard. 499 00:19:45,176 --> 00:19:47,761 Is that why you've been acting like such a nut all day? 500 00:19:47,762 --> 00:19:50,030 You know, what if someday that's us? Honey! 501 00:19:50,031 --> 00:19:52,366 Okay, you - you might not want to hear this right now 502 00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:56,003 After the meltdown I just had in there, but... 503 00:19:56,637 --> 00:19:58,505 You're kind of stuck with me. 504 00:19:58,506 --> 00:20:00,440 You promise? 505 00:20:00,441 --> 00:20:03,293 Aw. 506 00:20:03,294 --> 00:20:04,911 I do. 507 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,379 Mm 508 00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:08,882 Oh. That's great. 509 00:20:08,883 --> 00:20:10,917 Children: Trick or treat? 510 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,136 We should just put out a bowl of candy 511 00:20:13,137 --> 00:20:14,821 And have a cocktail, right? 512 00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:16,006 Yeah. Yeah. 513 00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:18,157 Manny: [ deep voice ] come in if you dare. 514 00:20:18,158 --> 00:20:20,176 Luke: Thank you for joining us on our special night. 515 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,961 Haley: Other children haven't fared so well. 516 00:20:21,962 --> 00:20:23,162 [ gasps ] hey! 517 00:20:23,163 --> 00:20:24,997 Alex: Help me! Help me! She's doing it. 518 00:20:24,998 --> 00:20:27,801 Gloria: [ eerily ] welcome to your nightmare, muchachos! 519 00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:28,635 [ laughing ] no! No! 520 00:20:28,636 --> 00:20:31,004 [ children scream ] 521 00:20:31,005 --> 00:20:33,390 Haley: But with all this fog, it might be hard to see "ahead." 522 00:20:33,391 --> 00:20:34,908 Cam: Aaaaahhh! 523 00:20:34,909 --> 00:20:36,443 [ children scream ] 524 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,028 Yeah! Yeah! 525 00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:40,714 [ both laugh ] 526 00:20:40,715 --> 00:20:41,981 Wha-ha-ha! 527 00:20:41,982 --> 00:20:44,067 [ children scream ] 528 00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,119 We're back in the game! Let's go! 529 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,353 I love it! I love it! 530 00:20:47,354 --> 00:20:48,855 [ maniacal scream ] whoa! That was for you. 531 00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,366 That was for you. I just did it for you. No, it wasn't. 532 00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:57,438 Or I'll have to give you the 'hindenburg' maneuver.", 533 00:20:57,439 --> 00:20:59,505 Oh, one time she caught me staring off. 534 00:20:59,506 --> 00:21:00,900 And she goes, "cam, what's wrong? 535 00:21:00,901 --> 00:21:02,480 You look like a deer in 'head lice'!" 536 00:21:03,481 --> 00:21:05,744 In the service, I had a job, briefly, 537 00:21:05,745 --> 00:21:07,612 Handling explosives. 538 00:21:07,613 --> 00:21:09,681 Which sounds dangerous, but it's not. 539 00:21:10,315 --> 00:21:12,583 You store them at the right temperature, 540 00:21:12,584 --> 00:21:14,151 You have no problems... 541 00:21:14,152 --> 00:21:15,820 Phil: If youell her she doesn't have a choice, 542 00:21:15,821 --> 00:21:18,789 She'll say, "don't you give me an 'old tomato.'" [ laughter ] 543 00:21:18,790 --> 00:21:20,958 Or when she says - okay! Enough! 544 00:21:20,959 --> 00:21:22,960 You try speaking in another language! 545 00:21:22,961 --> 00:21:24,962 Everybody out of my house! 546 00:21:24,963 --> 00:21:27,131 ...Until you do. 547 00:21:27,132 --> 00:21:28,132 Sync by @victorcruel www.addic7ed.com